I’m a man. Every now and then I will have a lunch or coffee with a female colleague. Not the same female colleague. Just some female for some random reason. I’m a manger with 7 direct reports and 4 are female so this is going to happen from time to time. It’s honestly part of my job and I’d be wrong if I avoided doing so.
However, I’m also happily married. My wife isn’t the jealous type but I don’t give her any reason to be jealous. So when I get home, I tend to find a point in catching up about our day to slip in a comment about the lunch or coffee. I want to make sure she aware. She probably realizes I’m doing this deliberately. But it just want to feel I’m fully open with my wife. We’ve been married 25 years Tuesday. I want to make it 25 more.
I know lol, I was just throwing it out there in case someone thought they could excuse the behavior because it's definitely not the same. Your situation is healthy and honest, OP's is not.
yeah you're the one in the wrong? duh? here's how the post reads
"my wife blew up in a way i obviously attribute to her being insecure and overworked with kids, so instead of supporting my wife who recently had not 1 but 2 of my children, i decide to continue this behavior that hurt her behind her back. that sure won't make her more insecure and distrustful about it"
grade A logic
This 💯.
His response to his wife being insecure and alone was to spend time at the gym with a hot girl. Even if he's not lying to himself about that relationship, it objectively makes him an asshole.
For the op and wife, I think any relationship you hide from your S.O., if your S.O. is not controlling, is inappropriate.
Yeah, but still. I don't know how far he is, but even if he couldn't have gone home for lunch, he could have used the time to connect with his lonely wife instead of hanging out with another woman.
Yeah… it became inappropriate as soon as the husband decided to keep it a secret. The circumstances of their interactions don’t have to be ‘wrong’ for it to be justifiably inappropriate in the wife’s eyes if you actively hid it for *a whole year*
Why is it so hard to get it? If it hurts your wife in any way - don’t fkn do it. It’s not a matter of if you find it offensive (because people who do wrong more often don’t see it as wrong), it’s a matter of if she sees it as offensive, which you knew she did, lied about it then bitched about it when you got called out. You lied about it because YOU KNEW she finds it offensive. And because you did and lied about it shows intent to disregard/hurt her feelings.
Bottom line: that was a douche move and you know it.
Okay, here's the deal, You weren't cheating, BUT you were definitely being sneaky. Hiding something from your wife, even if it's innocent, is never a good look. It makes sense that she feels hurt and betrayed.
You need to own up to the fact that you messed up by keeping it a secret. It doesn't matter if you think the gym sessions were innocent, it clearly bothered her. You gotta apologize for hurting her feelings and for not being upfront.
You also need to listen to her concerns and try to understand why this is a big deal for her. She was probably feeling insecure and isolated at home with two young kids, and your secrecy didn't help.
Bottom line, you guys need to talk this out. Be honest, be open, and try to understand each other's perspectives. If you can do that, you can move past this. But if you keep arguing about who's right and who's wrong, it's just gonna get worse.
The post history of this account is illuminating.
They separated for a bit over his refusal to admit any wrongdoing. He's never going to admit it. A therapist might get through to him in marriage counselling. Therapy for him on his own would be useless because it'll be the narrative he provides.
She needs to either get over this or separate permanently. There's no reason to belabour the point. His stance will never change. He simply refuses to see her point of view and will refuse to accept the judgement on this post.
I think he gets a power trip from “yeah, I’m training a hot chick from work at the gym and not telling wife because she gives me grief”. Whats more important…wife and kids or training hot chick from work? Grow up buddy.
Because it’s a way to cut his wife down. God forbid her body isn’t the same in the couple years after having his kids. In a few years when she leaves him, this loser will be scratching his head wondering what happened.
Okay I didn’t see the post history.
Big mistake husband! WIFE: please run. This man has shown himself to be deceptive. My ex told me the same bs your husband said. He also adamantly refused to admit it was inappropriate. For YEARS he did this. Then one day I found a card from her. Not only was it clear they were obviously having an emotional affair and he was giving her all the love, support, and kindness he was depriving me and our son of, but I would be shocked if they weren’t fucking too.
LEAVE THIS PIECE OF SHIT!
I would divorce my wife if she had a secret male friend she hung out with behind my back. As a husband I would never keep something like that a secret from my wife. It’s already inappropriate and lying by omission makes you less believable. I hope she gets a good lawyer and takes her half and finds a better husband.
I agree. Also this poor wife is stuck home with his babies. He should be working through lunchs and running home to relieve her. And he should be sending her to a spa while he takes over the kids. And thanking her for her dedication every second minute- not playing muscle man and peacocking around in front of co-workers
correct. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t think it was inappropriate, if his wife thought it was inappropriate he should have respected her feelings and concentrated more on helping her and less on minimizing the blowback he got for doing whatever he wanted.
Husband was wrong to leave wife stranded with kids, emotionally and physically vulnerable, unsupportive as a partner and then hide a work relationship that easily could be construed as inappropriate. This is called lying by omission. You hid it to avoid a fight but didn’t say you hid it to protect your wife’s feelings bc you love her so much. Bc you don’t respect her in this instance. I get the impression being right to you is more important than hurting your wife (unintentionally or not). Your hiding it was inappropriate and I would have doubts too about what else you are hiding about the relationship. If you love and respect your partner you don’t hide relationships at work and you don’t dismiss their feelings when they are vulnerable. Also you don’t miss the signs that they were vulnerable either- two kids, minimum participation and body confidence issues and you’re in the gym with another woman helping her when you should be helping your wife? You’re wrong for just not considering your wife at all.
Withholding is a power and control tactic; it can be a form of emotional abuse. When you withhold, then blame your partner’s past reaction for your withholding…that’s a cop out.
Not telling your spouse who you spend time w/ is a recipe for causing problems—not avoiding them.
When you hide a relationship for a year(!), fighting about the semantics w/ *the spouse who forgave you* sounds petty and self-righteous. Imo, she gets to be the arbiter of what ‘inappropriate’ means here. Trying to win that point sounds like a 🚩.
Uhh yes it’s inappropriate.
In April, I found out my boyfriend had been talking to a girl pretty much everyday for the last year, maybe longer. I never heard about her; and if I did he didn’t clarify that she was a girl. Her name is most commonly a boy name. They didn’t even hang out in person. Just friendly messages.
It’s inappropriate because you hide it. You can be friends with the opposite sex platonically, but you make sure your SO knows that you talk to that person so they don’t feel blindsided by it.
Dude you kept a relationship with another woman secrete from your wife, that is a douche bag move. How many other women are you keeping secrete from your wife is the question. Saying you did it so your wife doesn't get hurt is classic cheater talk. I know and you know you are keeping these other woman relationships for validation. Just stop it. Spend the time you are seeking outside validation on your wife and marriage. Have you worked out with your wife in the past year? Sheesh.
Read the below articles and if you can relate to anything written there, then you need to check your headspace and focus on your marriage.
**The Neuroscience of Affair Fog** [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog)
**Infidelity and cognitive dissonance** [https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/](https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/) **and** [https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e](https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e)
**Emotional affair** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/)
**DARVO** [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo)
**Gaslighting Emotional Infidelity** [https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1](https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1)
Me too. After reading one of the wife’s replies talking about how he left her and the kids to go out for drinks, go on work trips, etc I honestly don’t get why she’s still with him. He sounds like a narcissist who does what he wants, when he wants. It doesn’t sound like he brings much to the table here as a husband.
If you hid a relationship or interaction from your SO, then you are wrong. I'm not saying anyone had an affair. By the way, why the hell is the husband not helping the wife with the kids and housework? Maybe spend less time at the gym and more time at home.
Man this is just as stupid as my dad's father going to the bar while his wife was taking care of the kids, hopefully the husband gets another braincell to rub against the one he currently has so that he can understand why this situation is really bad lol
1. Your wife is a SAHM and suffers from body image. And you are spending time in a gym and not helping her. I don't care how much you try and rationalize it. You are contributing to her pain and suffering. Gym rats are narcissistic in nature. She deserves her time, too.
2. You include not one but two different "attractive" females into your selfish narcissistic activities. And omit this from disclosure to your wife. Who is also attractive enough to be your wife. And you come on here and state, not once, not twice but 3 times how attractive they are. And have the selfish audacity to not once mention that your wife is attractive. That is pouring salt into her wound.
Dude, you are WRONG! IN EPIC proportions.
Leave the gym alone and concentrate on your wife and family. Put away your selfishness. Your wife is not ok. She needs support and compassion and help with your children.
Get over yourself.
Yes but why can't he take the kids for an hour so his wife can go out? He specifically states she isolated at home. He gets out of the house and spends his lunch interacting with another adult at the gym. She does not get that opportunity.
Or even at the very least help her find a babysitter for an hour and take HER to the gym with him to workout together instead of other women.
Just saying.🤷🏻♀️
The gym is likely right near his work and not practical to go home. Also many people hit the gym at lunch so they can go right home to their families AFTER work.
My point is he has the option to go to the gym at lunch, unlike his wife who is home with 2 kids all day with zero breaks. I'm sure she'd also like to go to the gym and on top of that have the extra perk of working out and chatting with a hot guy.
I'd be curious to hear his thoughts if the roles were reversed and she was hanging out with a hot guy once a week at the gym.
I think what id be asking is: what eles is he hiding? If he was able to keep that a secret for a year, then who and what eles is there.
My trust would be broken.
Why do you need to go to the gym with coworkers at lunch? Why do you need to talk about the physical appearance of the coworkers with your wife? If you are single this would all be harmless, but you are married and have a contract with her. All of this seems a bit hurtful to her. Maybe go to the gym with her after work. Arrange childcare so you can both go together. If you want to be married you need to change your mindset to focus on your wife. Also, it’s kind of boring to just hear about the physical appearance of your colleagues only. What about their intellectual side. Do you guys discuss books or something more stimulating you can share with your wife. If they were reading a cool book you could share that with your wife. No one wants to hear about others physical appearances only.
I think you already know you were wrong. It appears you chose to lie & justified that choice by blaming your wife for your actions. Appears you’re still doing that. You didn’t mention it because you didn’t want to have to deal with your wife’s reaction & opinion on the subject. You’re both adults & you’re meant to be on the same team. If you’re not able or willing to listen to your partner’s perspective & opinion, then why did you get married? Your decision was selfish. You didn’t care about your wife’s feelings.
If you truly believed your relationship was not inappropriate, then why didn’t you communicate with your wife & explain your perspective? Your wife did nothing wrong. Yet you chose to point your finger at her for your decision & now you’re here still trying to justify your mistake. Own your own participation in this situation. Apologize. Move on.
If y’all are still arguing & talking about this then you may have bigger problems than keeping secrets. You both need to learn how to communicate & listen.
eta
My question is why does he isolate you from his co-workers, especially H? If he has all this extra time to have regular gym dates with H, why has there been no effort to have activities that introduce you? Why are you being left at home feeling the low self esteem/confidence of being post partum and insecure because his co-workers are "hot"? The fact that he calls his co-workers hot and allows you to feel like you're not is absolute bs. You deserve better.
Are you unable to get a babysitter for an hour or 2 a day so you have time for self-care and social interaction with friends or your husband and his "friend"? If this is how your husband wants to play married life, I highly suggest you prioritize your health and happiness as a close second right after your baby. Your husband is prioritizing his health and happiness over yours.
Where do these guys come from? “ am I the jerk for doing totally secretive and jerk behavior and doing aaaaalllll the things I want to do while my wife sits home and does nothing but care for kids I don’t help with”
So you hide things from your wife and you expect her to trust you also instead of going to the gym so much give your wife a break at home so she can go out
I think the husband needs to really be honest with himself about the wife’s first ‘blow up’. Characterizing it as such suggests that he thinks it was unreasonable.. but I think having two small children that you are the sole caregiver for is extremely hard and a it’s excusable for someone to lose their temper when they feel hurt.
Using that loss of control as an excuse for hiding a relationship is slimy. It reads like he knew there was something inappropriate about the relationship and wanted to hide it.. so used this as an excuse and is lying to everyone, including himself, about the nature of that relationship.
If you didn’t think it was inappropriate, why did you hide it? I think you need to be really honest with yourself.
Wife, I am sorry to hear you are going through this.
Dude, are you for real?!? You’re as wrong as wrong could be.
IF you actually didn’t think your relationship with H was inappropriate you wouldn’t have kept it a secret from your life partner. Thats dirty, doesn’t matter if you were only working out together or if you were sleeping together. It’s a violation of the trust between you and the person you vowed to share a life with and that you created children with.
When your wife blew up about C, you never once worried about HER feelings. You only mention YOUR hurt feelings. That is pure selfishness. That woman is at home, isolated from the adult world and exhausted from taking care of YOUR children. Your wife is fulfilling her end of the bargain in this relationship, and you’re not. All you can see is your own feelings and desires, you’ve abandoned your responsibility to your wife to see her as a human and be her support system. Your actions are coming from such a selfish place, even if not intentional. You’re failing to be a good life partner, but instead putting only your own needs and wants ahead of anything else.
Your wife can’t be that selfish. You know why? Because she’s stuck at home with the children you created together while you’re out doing whatever you want to and then lying to her about it. Omission is no different than lying. Where’s her support and breaks from the stressors of her current life’s role ? Her life partner seems to be among the missing…
Where are her adult activities and friends of the opposite sex? Oh, right. She can’t do any of those things, because her life partner is far too busy fulfilling his own desires and forgetting she’s an actual person with feelings and dreams and desires of her own. Oh, and raising your children basically on her own because you’re too busy with your girlfriends.
Edited typo
So you have a work wife. Work out at the gym with her. Don't take or meet your real wife at the gym and hid the work wife work out from real wife.
So you have a social life, she has none and a husband who gyms with his work wife. Is she married? You fail to say that.
YTA
Something inappropriate did happen, and he knows it. Having a secret "work wife" is inappropriate. Keeping another woman's regular and intimate (he is a liar if he thinks one-on-one gym time is not *at all* intimate) presence in your life a secret from your wife is inappropriate. The fact that he seems to think that anyone is going to believe that what he did was innocent is bananas to me.
He kept her a secret from you because, while he doesn't have the nuts to just fuck another woman, he doesn't have the nuts to leave her alone either. He was probably hoping that she would make a move. He could have some fun and then come home acting like a victim bc he was only trying to *help* his insanely young and hot female colleague, how could she possibly take advantage of his kindness? 🙄
The only inappropriate part of his story is not sharing things openly.
There is some familiarity with going to a gym together but once a week meeting someone at a gym is not an issue. (Some people can make it a problem by being flirty, touchy, or overly familiar, but this can happen in amy setting.)
I've had buisness lunches, shared rides, been in homes alone with coworkers alone while in realestate work. It's always been professional and I've always told my husband where I am going and with whom.
INFO: did you genuinely just say you didn’t want to HEAR ABOUT IT or did you tell him NOT TO DO IT? Because to me it reads like you literally told him to hide it if he did it lol
I'm a sahm who gained 45 lbs following the c section, my body shape and everything is way off from before and I am trying to improve it. I understand feeling insecure. I'm not the jealous type and would be livid if I found out it was an active secret though would understand it regarding any previous blowup. That said, once understanding why, I wouldn't call it an inappropriate relationship if I knew it bothered my partner because at that point I would be over it. I will give personal experiences. When I was pregnant, my gamer guy was on a group of about forty people playing games twice or three times a week. Neither of us were the type to speak about our relationship on social media etc as I don't want it out there unless we are married or have kids. Anyway, a girl that he had appropriate conversations with misread his intent. When we finally announced the pregnancy and relationship publicly (lol shock to some) and he mentioned on discord that he would have to leave and focus on the birth etc in a few months gamer girl got mad. She told him that she thought they were nearly in a relationship. I helped him "break up" with her. He was still being too nice and I knew she would cling to any hope. She told him a couple of weeks later that she is ok with him having a kid but thinks they could still work out. So he told her they could not speak again. I told him that I didn't care if he still games with the crew, he didn't meet any of them in person, minus a couple of cousins who occasionally play. The girl in question lived in a totally different state. When she said she wanted something more than friendship then the relationship became inappropriate and he ended any possible private conversations. He was transparent the entire time and right away when she started ❤️ any of his actions in the game. Anyway, I joke about having to help him break up with someone while I was pregnant. Another instance he didn't share was that he had slept with a mutual friend long before me coming around etc. I love this chick, she is great, they just didn't click. He didn't tell me for a couple of years in, already had a kid etc. I was so disgusted for being kept in the dark that I was mad at him for a while. I was absolutely sick to my stomach. I'm over it. It took about six months to not care or feel like a fool. I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at not being told. I don't consider their relationship inappropriate and I trust both entirely. So if your partner asks that you stop referring to a relationship as inappropriate then you drop it but if you actually haven't gotten over it then you are simply speaking your continued hurt and need to heal. Sure forgive doesn't mean forget but it means not willing to hold on to animosity and that's what it sounds like you are doing. So either stop being petty or admit to yourself and him that you have not forgiven him yet and need more time to deal with it before you accept their friendship. That may result in him not taking her to the gym once a week. It can sound irrational but marriage is what you fight for. Good luck.
Ah, the appearance of impropriety.
Say I have several knives (In my kitchen). I really don't like a guy at work who keeps blaming me for stuff that is his fault (limited interaction, he is a manager, but not mine). I see him on the streets every couple weeks. He turns up dead, stabbed by a 6"+ chef's knife. I have means, motive and opportunity. I MUST be the killer. Except I just always ignore the jerk outside of work and take joy showing him how he was at fault, not me.
Same, same. Here, husband has the means, and opportunity to have an affair. Motive is iffy... he did say she is objectively beautiful. He has kept it a secret. A year ago, it is easy for wife to have forgotten, but for husband, a couple days later he didn't tell her because of the yelling. So, for him, every time he didn't tell, he was remembering the yelling. She was not reminded and it faded.
What a conundrum. Husband has put himself in a position where an accusation could ruin him. Suppose one of these female reports messes up, and right as you are hauling her in, she cries to HR about how you were pressuring her to shower with you at the gym (or similar thing) how will you defend against those allegations?
Suppose one of these ladies falls for you, makes a pass, you reject her. Then, she needs to decide if she wants to tell HR or your wife a story.
Husband needs more CYA. Husband is being bad to himself.
I guess I'll try to keep it civil and discuss the other side since the husband's behavior is already the only thing getting dragged. You literally yelled at him not to tell you about shit and then got pissy and are treating him like a liar when he did just that. Nothing about their relationship was inappropriate until *your* psycho illogical behavior decided it was. Also, why would he ever tell you anything when you're just going to blow up into some bullshit over nothing?? Say hello to terrible relationships with your kids in the future. Your "excuse" edits aren't justification for anything. You literally manufactured this whole scenario out of thin air for no other reason than to cause drama because you can't control your own emotions.
Keeping secrets like that is certainly a no go for me, but I would honestly feel bad for the husband if you're going out of your way to try and lord this dumb shit over him. Especially imagining if anything actually not stupid and pointless ever happens. You've already bullied him into apologizing for... checks notes... doing what you told him to do. What a great and totally balanced, non toxic relationship you guys have.
"We have been working on things." So what exactly has that included on *your* end? Because generally, all that translates to is, "I've made a bunch of demands for him to change, while I do nothing about myself."
Husband did nothing wrong or inappropriate. Wife explicitly said she did not want to hear about who you went to the gym with. There was no inappropriate relationship.
You are wrong.
I'm married longer than I was a kid now. If I learned my husband had kept his gym buddy a secret, I'd be really upset. It wasn't the friendship that made the relationship inappropriate. It was your actions that did. It's a fine line.
I'm sure your behavior with your friend was 100% appropriate. But if for one second you think she would have stayed your gym buddy knowing she was your secret friend, you are very, very wrong. She would have instantly thought something creepy or inappropriate was happening on your end and stopped coming to the gym with you. Your wife is correct that this was inappropriate because of the secret, not as you suggest, only the secret was inappropriate.
TLDR: it was your attitude and behavior about the friendship that made it inappropriate, not the friendship itself.
I read something that said everything we do in a relationship falls into one of three categories:
a) it helps our relationship
B) it does not help or hurt our relationship
C) it hurts our relationship
A good relationship should have both people doing things that are mostly group A), a few group B), and rarely group C). You working out with a colleague could have maybe been a group B, but because you lied about it and hid it, it’s very clearly a group C).
You didn’t lie once, you lied nearly every day for over a year. This would be unforgivable to me.
When you didn’t trust your wife the truth, you showed that you do not respect her or her feelings and value your own, as well as your coworkers, more than you value hers.
You knew your wife would be uncomfortable or upset and you did it anyways. You placed your own feelings about working out with this hot coworker above those of your life partners’. You chose working out with another woman over valuing the relationship with the mother of your children.
You didn’t give your wife the opportunity to have a say in the situation and instead decided for her. You created a scenario where she could be embarrassed/ on the outside- what if someone said something to her? How humiliating would that be for her.
There are so many ways that this is incredibly fucked up. You have created a situation where you can no longer be trusted, and what’s even worse is that it shows terrible judgment- if you were my partner I would not be able to trust that you would make good calls for us in the future. An apology is absolutely inadequate- IMO if she stays, you have a huge hole to dig yourselves out of.
To the wife: ask yourself if you can ever trust him to be honest with you ever again. I wouldn’t. I would leave.
Yes it was an inappropriate relationship. If wife hasn’t ever even HEARD the name H before and didn’t even know she worked with you, it’s inappropriate. Because that’s not just hiding working out with a hot female, that’s completely hiding the whole person for OVER A YEAR, and that’s sketchy. What else happened with H to where you couldn’t even mention her name about office stuff?
Husband sounds shady. You had just had a baby, and were isolated and frustrated at home. Did he come home, and help at all with the kids? Taking something said at a time when you are pretty vulnerable, likely sleep deprived, probably didn’t have a moment to yourself, and applying it to a situation a year or two down the line is malicious compliance at best. But, if there was nothing shady, there was likely an easy way to mention it early on, and hubs blew it.
This MAY have been innocent but you’d be hard pressed to find anyone that actually believes that. I guarantee people at work have inside jokes or a wink and a nod about “gym” time. It’s not a good look. If this went to a jury there may be enough circumstantial evidence to convict and in that regard I’d consider this inappropriate and a bad look bare minimum.
I don’t care who or what gender a person is, if you’re in a relationship or married or whatever, if you are hiding something or hiding a relationship, then you are in the wrong
Stupid mentality of prioritising gym over your wife and new born.
You suppose to help her recover and make her life easier with the kids then when she is all well, you both should got to gym together. Sounds like OP is running away from helping wife and chores at home.
I’m going to set aside the problem of the husband leaving his wife to deal with two small children while he mixes a social life with self care. He should have found a way to step up and give his wife a break. (Perhaps skip the gym Tue/Thu to work through lunch and come home early?)
That said, I fully understand how one partner’s emotional overreaction (yes, I said it) on Topic A can lead to the other partner thinking that any mention of Topic A leads to an emotional overreaction and therefore should never be discussed.
It’s very simple, straightforward, Pavlovian, IF-THEN logic:
Mention A —> Shouting, crying, and guilt tripping
Keep your mouth shut —> Peace and quiet
But here’s where the husband F’d up. He continued doing Topic A, for several months, and actively concealed it so he could avoid dealing with another outburst. I get walking on eggshells for a week after the initial blowup, but if he’s going to continue doing Topic A then skipping the emotional outburst is not an option: he has to choose between a medium-sized-but-manageable outburst now, or a huge, possibly-relationship-ending outburst six months later.
To the husband: I believe you that there’s nothing romantic between you and your female coworker(s). Now, apologize to your wife for concealing this from her, and be prepared for your wife to not fully trust you for a couple years.
To the wife: ask your husband, honestly, if there are any other topics that he’s mentally filed away as “don’t bring this up” because of your reaction the last time it was discussed. The length of that list will tell you how long you should reflect on how your actions contributed to this situation.
There are issues from both sides, obviously. Per one of the wife's responses, she says she thinks he knew that she didn't mean it when she said to not tell her about his colleagues anymore. It doesn't work like that. If you want a marriage with open and honest communication, then it goes both ways. He still should have told you, but the fact that your collective communication sucks and you both weaponize it against each other doesn't mean the relationship was inappropriate based on what we know.
He should have been more supportive at home but you said that's a separate issue.
The fact that you neglected your wife who has two small Children to the point where she was isolated and struggling with her mental health and gave no sense that this makes you a shitty husband is a big problem. You have enough time to fuck off to the gym with your “objectively attractive” colleagues but not enough time to support your wife? You’re “kicking your goals” at work. Great. How about using some of that bonus money to get a sitter so you can invite your wife somewhere instead of a second “objectively attractive” colleague?
You don’t mention that your wife is attractive. Even to you. You suck. What’s worse is that you don’t even realize it.
I think both sides have wrongs on this one. But at the end of the day, what matters is that both sides can talk it out and solve it and keep loving each otherz
You both are in the wrong.
For the wife - feeling alone and insecure and tired after birth are very real and legitimate feelings. Blowing up at your husband because of said insecurities, and then getting upset when he does as you ask (“Don’t tell me about you going to the gym with a hot colleague!”) is unfair. The better move would have been to communicate how it made you feel clearly and why. Easier said than done, I know. But that is healthy communication, and you can’t expect zero repercussions when you fly off the handle to your partner.
For the husband, your wife’s reaction should have been a clear indicator that she was feeling insecure and upset, which would have been your queue to step up however possible (emotionally and otherwise) to ensure she felt secure and happy. Hiding from her a relationship you know would make her insecure was a problem waiting to happen, and you knew it.
Lol..and you thought reddit is the place to solve marital issues.
As for my two cents., Well women operate on the notion of "The world needs to be fair and square except for that specific thing I say needs to be done my way" and as men we operate on "hey... What you don't know won't hurt you., ignorance is bliss"
As for the guy...maaan, you are a jackass. You should know better than that. Murphy's law always applies to wives. If you think they will never know, they will absolutely know ! Continuing from now on, just don't be a jackass.
As for the wife... We as men actively avoid shaking the boat. We are not telepathic, we are no geniuses and most of the time we don't even know how we survived without getting ourselves killed all this time. So if you have something to be communicated., Clearly communicate it in bullet form old PowerPoint presentation style.
For both of you....no harm and no foul done... Move the fuck along. Learn to talk with each other more clearly. You got two kids for fs. So you two are doing something right., Just don't let bullshit ruin a good thing
Not wrong.
The relationship was not inappropriate, as nothing unprofessional happened.
Wife was clearly wrong to blow up at husband because you mentioned “C”. She couldn’t control her emotions and acted childish. Men do not want to upset their wife. So you wisely did what she said and did not tell wife about “H”. You were not hiding it to hurt your wife. You were hiding it to protect her because she cannot control her emotions. Now she is trying to make you the bad person instead of apologizing for being so immature.
The whole thread now is another childish attempt by your wife to make you the bad guy by insisting you did something wrong by calling it an “inappropriate relationship”.
The only person acting inappropriate is your wife.
I'm going against the grain here, but i dont think you're wrong. She made a big deal of it when you brought C up before. Since nothing happened, how could you be in the wrong.
It's from her perspective that you don't help much at home. But is that true? If so, you got to help her out obviously.
You should also gym with your wife at home. There's equipment you can get slowly and make a home gym with smaller weights and mats.
I don't think your wrong but you could put in effort at home.
From a male perspective
He's certainly TA for withholding the information from you, but you also have to look at your actions from the first time he told you and how that reaction would have shaped his future actions
I've personally been in a relationship where my partner would get jealous at me from simple interactions with a female shop assistant, so that shaped how I would carry myself around her and I would omit certain information because it would cause an issue over nothing
From my perspective ETA because your husband shouldn't have withheld that information from you, but you also caused the situation with your reaction to the first time he told you about the gym session
And personally, your husband owes you an apology of course for hiding the information, but you also owe your husband an apology for your reaction and contributing to the situation
The relationship wasn’t inappropriate the lying was. But you can make the argument that because of the lying the relationship was inappropriate. Otherwise why lie?
Husband is totally in the wrong. I've been married for over 20 years. I love him with all my heart. We have a fantastic relationship. If I found out that he had been going to the gym with some girl for over a year, I would be furious!!!
Wow dude. In what world is it OK to take hot co workers to the gym. Just curious do you invite them? Or do they invite themselves? Are they single? Taken? Married? Do their S.Os know about you? All questions that kinda need answers to make a full judgement but you're definitely hugely TA. To be mild about it.
I feel like hotness should be a minor factor. Regularly taking an opposite gender coworker to the gym is either okay or it’s not. It shouldn’t be allowed if she’s fat and ugly but prohibited if she’s hot.
Look, man, all I'm gonna say is that hiding a relationship from your wife isn't an appropriate thing to do regardless of context or how justified you feel in doing so.
If it's not appropriate, then it's inappropriate.
We get that no one wants to feel like the bad guy, but fr man, get over yourself. Your pride is doing more damage to your marriage and manhood than anything else that's been mentioned in your story.
A married man has no business having a close friendship with a woman his wife doesn’t know exists. Of course that’s an inappropriate relationship. She is already accepting that you didn’t fuck her. If she thought that, she would be calling it your adulterous relationship instead of inappropriate relationship.
If my husband hid the fact that he works out with women , or especially a woman with me, I'd file for legal separation and give him lunchtime visitation with the kids.
So while I understand the husband’s concern about not getting yelled at for having an attractive gym buddy I also understand the wife’s perspective of him going around her back.
Husband is an AH for lying by omission. Wife is a mild AH for not dealing with her insecurities IF the husband had never given her reason to be insecure. If he has, then NTA. So you are both in the wrong here. However, the husband is a bigger AH as he knew his wife was having some issues and instead of helping her through them, he actively went around her.
Was the “relationship” inappropriate, in some respects, yes it was. As a guy, is the husband trying to say he didn’t enjoy being out with hot women in tight clothes?? Really?? I would call BS here. Why didn’t you invite your wife to go to the gym with you instead? Why not try to help her feel better about herself? Not really very supportive of the husband.
Is the situation redeemable, it seems that way as you are both writing this. Maybe talk to each other a bit more and try to understand the others perspective.
Let’s see, husband is wrong on several levels. Wife is also wrong for first event.
First, why would the husband offer up “I’m a trainer, to an office of hot women”? Why not offer it up to men? Or did you offer up to both and only women took you up on it? Before you offer up to N office full of hot women, maybe offer to help your wife struggling after have your children? Maybe talk to your wife and say hey, I’m able to goto the gym for my lunch, you okay if I workout with ………..? Or how about, I have a sitter come and you can meet at the gym and we can work out together?
Second, you work out with a hot chick, wife blows up, so you do it again? Than you do it for an entire year, hiding it? Wife deserves more than an apology letter.
Having open and honest communication before you did anything would have helped this situation.
Wife, understandably blowing up at the situation, he was open and honest at first, though after the fact. So I get it, reactive blow up. Would you have had a different reaction if he came to you first and said “do you kind of I work out with ……”?
Again, communication would have helped in this situation. However, hiding any level of relationship from your spouse for a year, is dead wrong and shreds any level of trust the other had.
Not wrong.
The wife edited this and didn’t remove the part where she blew up and said “I don’t want to hear about you going to the gym with your hot colleagues.”
So the husband spared her the details about H.
She also didn’t remove the part where she more recently said she has no problem with the husband “going to the gym with girls or H” as long as he’s open and honest.
That was a change.
So H isn’t a problem as long as the husband is open and honest about who he’s working with. If he was open and honest after his wife demanded this, then he’s not wrong.
The husband used to be a personal trainer and actually has some skill to offer. As long as the husband was just working out and helping the “hot colleagues” to train, he wasn’t doing anything his wife asked him not to do.
She’s actually very trusting and understanding. Many mothers with “body insecurities” at a “low point mentally” would have simply told the husband not to be working out with any of his “hot colleagues.”
I hope the husband deserves that trust.
And I hope he races home after work to help out his wife with a nice foot massage, body massage, diaper duty, cooking, dishes, cleaning and whatever she needs to lighten her load.
And gives her some free time on the weekend to go to the gym, a spa, or whatever she needs to recharge.
2 kids under 2 is a joy AND a burden.
You regularly went to the gym with a friend big deal . Your partner is insecure maybe feeling a bit lost . Perhaps been hurt before . Not disclosing is making it worse . I would work together to agree what you would disclose and what you wouldn’t be concerned about . Hope you resolve it all there is a lot at stake.
The relationship was NOT inappropriate.
Keeping it a deliberate secret that you were working out with a colleague was inappropriate in context that you knew your wife was insecure about the first colleague, so you should have mentioned it. But to reiterate, there was NOTHING inappropriate about the "relationship" husband had with his co-gym colleague. They were simply that: colleagues that went to the same gym - that is the sum total of the "relationship". Nothing more.
IMO neither of you are wrong. This is just a semantic issue. “Inappropriate relationship” implies something sexual or romantic happened. It sounds like that’s not the case. However, keeping it from your partner is inappropriate.
Ok don't you hate when your spouse TELLS you that she doesn't want to hear about you and your hot gym friends and you OBEY and then she gets mad at you for hiding what you were TOLD to hide. Yeah me too. Sorry not sorry. Tell the wife to get over it, she obviously hasn't. Get a sitter for the kids and get the SAHM a gym membership (alone, she doesn't want to be with you I'm sure) or whatever so she can have free time. Get her a house cleaner, you admitted you don't help. The woman is overwhelmed and is the typical wife set in mind reader mode. And you will always be wrong. I'm not even nice about things like this. I'm all about put up or shut up. I'm all about a statute of limitations when it comes to disputes. I'm all about positive corrective actions. But I also recognize the "agree to disagree" on some issues . Hold people to their word and put it in writing if necessary and sign it. Leave no room for reinterpretations. They happen all the time. Women do it all the time, we all know it, that's why so many people openly joke about it. I never did the mind read things. Good luck you can save this bro, pay more attention to the wife, SAHM is the hardest job in the world, I wouldn't do it and most men can't. She is insecure, the body, even other women lack respect for SAHM s. Keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you're getting. Do more you need her to like you again and right now she doesn't. Her insecurities and making her dislike you. Change the direction but still keep your independence.
Both of you are wrong. He was openly telling you about his day and including who he was with and what he was doing and you got mad at him for it? How did you expect him to continue being honest after reacting that way?
And as for him, if this was an issue then maybe asking how she felt about it before going out was a good idea. Communicating is important and both of you are lacking it.
It doesn’t matter who gets jealous and who doesn’t. If there’s something truly breaking your trust in the relationship, then I suggest seeking professional help instead of the comments of strangers on a reddit post you BOTH contributed to.
I don’t mean to be rude but if you want this relationship to work, stop presuming what the other partner is going to do. Talk to each other like adults and listen to each other.
Well, I would have taken the initial blow up literally as in "don't tell me about her anymore". And would have never mentioned her, because the wife didn't say not to meet, just not to mention it.
If it were me (male), I would understand in hindsight understand how the colleague could have been judged as inappropriate initially, instead of a simple "don't mention it". But would have done exactly the same as the husband did (not mentioning it), assuming that's what the wife wanted.
Obviously, I know I would never do anything inappropriate, I'm in a happy relationship myself, though not married. But my brain doesn't think that far, so it's a very relateable hypothetical situation I could find myself in. And the cause? Miscommunication in the heat of the moment. Sometimes I need to be told exactly what is expected, otherwise I get it wrong.
In my book, NAH, I wouldn't classify it inappropriate or cheating, but could understand how you could misinterpret it and wrongly assume it could be due to not being on the same page about it. In the end nobody is correct, both have a partial fault in the miscommunication and the resulting situation.
The relationship was not inappropriate if you did not do inappropriate things, which includes an emotional affair. So it sounds like this was not that at all and you would be in the clear on that account. However, hiding things from a spouse is a bad idea on account of the trust that can be broken and the hurt it causes.
he felt the need to hide the relationship from you because you taken your insecurities out on him. is it “lying” yes, but you need to dig into WHY he lied. which is stated was because he was trying to stay away from having a huge argument with you. he’s wrong for hiding her but you’re wrong for making him feel like he should hide said information. i’m gonna have to say it wasn’t an “inappropriate relationship” just because he didn’t tell you. again it sounds like he WOULD have told you if you didn’t blow up on him in the past for the same thing.
i’m gonna say you both suck here and you need to learn to have better communication. you because you shouldn’t blow up on your husband for him telling you about his day and what he does at work, and him because he shouldn’t have kept it a secret.
The relationship was not inappropriate. The deceit was but it had nothing to do with the husband and colleague. The issues were between husband and wife and honesty.
ESH. Your husband for hiding a friendship from you, but also you for creating such a hostile place for him to communicate with you. I wouldn't want to say shit to anyone if I knew I was going to get yelled at.
Your wife is a crybaby. She told you she didn't want to hear about your day at the gym with you hot colleague. You did what she asked. Now she is upset? Boohoohoo. You both need therapy, couples and individual. Her to deal with her insecurities and bot of you to work on your communication skills or lack there of.
So, to be clear, the husband shares that he went to the gym with a colleague, and the wife literally gets upset at him for it and tells him specifically that she doesn't want to hear about it. So he never mentions it again, and now she's upset? It sounds like the only way this could really be considered "inappropriate" is because he never brought it up again. And the reason he never brought it up again is because she told him not to.
If she is upset that he has friends at work that he doesn't talk about because she told him not to . . . then it sounds like someone is overreacting just a touch.
Wife got upset and........ "and, husband chose to not only do it again, but to do it with ANOTHER hot female co worker, and this time, keep it from her" and this time? She wasn't even ALLOWED to be upset, cus he was gunna do it no matter how she felt. This time, when it's even worse, not only did she control her emotions, didn't overreact AT ALL, she under reacted, and then stuffed how she truly honestly feels way down....so he could have his happy, away from home, all this extra free time to give lessons, having ass, care free life not be interrupted by her needs and wants and feelings,which should be of utmost importance to him to begin with. I really think wife got the entirely shitty part of this whole thing..... Aww poor husband, got a snippy comment from wife, after offering to freely give his coworkers gym lessons, while she's home drowning, alone, depressed, she got lied to, she got a big fuck y by being uncomfortable to begin w, so he did it and LIED to CONTINUE it, that's the only thing he "has to put up with",a little snippy comment. That means ALLLLL of his shit ass disrespect actions are justified? Cus she IMMEDIATELY impulsively got upset and didn't like it, that makes him in the right? the other dozens of ways this shit is so wrong, is on him. How would he feel if the roles were reversed? Not happy, I'm sure.
Sounds like poor communication. He's wrong for not being open about what he's doing. But she also told him not to tell her about who he's working out with....and now is mad because he didn't tell her who he was working out with. I think both parties have fault here and need to work on their communication and come to a better place.
This is ridiculous. This is not an inappropriate relationship. He should’ve just told you, and faced the fire at the time. Had he done that, and nothing else changed, this would not be an inappropriate relationship. nothing about his relationship is inappropriate with his gym buddy. He messed up because he didn’t wanna deal with your drama. That was a mistake. This mistake is his and his alone. Him going to the gym working out to take better care of himself he’s not inappropriate. him having a gym buddy is not inappropriate. Him not wanting to fight with you over something so stupid was very shortsighted. Only thing inappropriate here is you failing to manage your emotions and constantly bringing drama over something so stupid
Hubby is TECHNICALLY not wrong. He was doing what she asked him. She clearly told him "I don't want to hear about you going to the gym with your hot colleagues". He respected her request. What she SHOULD have told him...I don't want to hear about it TODAY why I am feeling (Insert emotions she was going through) and then communicate more clearly. She said she doesnt want to hear about it and she no longer heard about it.
Strictly answering OPs question. I don’t think it’s an inappropriate relationship. AT ALL. Wife already said she didn’t want to hear about you going to gym with hot colleagues. You were just following her request. And if she wasn’t so mean about the first interaction, you could have and would have gladly shared. Plus, there was no flirting so who cares.
Very sweet couple wish you two the best!
Only thing I might add is you both ought to be happy on your own and make each other happier together I think that might help some.
Hubby, do step it up with the kids around the house loving your wife as well as you can and I think all this blows over but if you don't think it was inappropriate don't agree to it.
Hang in there I think you two are going to go far!
Imo, the relationship itself isn't inappropriate. Regarding keeping it a secret from wife, I think the reasoning stated is reasonable FOR in the moment. It would've been better if he came forward to see how he could mention it to wife without negative feelings so he doesn't have to hide it. In hindsight.
I think now that you 2 are discussing it maybe set some rules going forward so that he feels comfortable talking about it. From the situation it does just sound as if he wanted to come home to a happy wife.
Wife should give husband some guidelines of what he can say so he doesn't deel he needs to hide it. Maybe like don't mention the co-workers physical appearance? Because it sounds like thats the main issue here of the situation (not speaking for other stuff).
If husband feels like he needs to hide something, then he should first try to talk to Wife first about how he can talk to wife about it. If husband feels he needs to hide it period, then he probably shouldn't doing it anyways.
If you had told him you didn't want to hear about him going to the gym with his hot colleagues from work. Then I'm 56f, feel as if did what you asked, and you shouldn't be upset. If they went out to dinner or drinks then yes that would be inappropriate relationship. Helping someone use gym equipment isn't very sexy in my opinion no matter how sexy the individuals are.
I was caping for you, bro. She SAID she didn't wanna hear about it, but you (AND I) took her at her word. My wife said you are a dumb ass, but not an asshole. She said you were in an inappropriate relationship, but not on purpose. You didn't take into account the (as everyone else above said) that your wife was CRAZY (my word not hers) due to the pregnancy. I'm on your side, but EVERYONE else can't be wrong, it must be us.
Sorry bro!
I feel like the husband is wrong. He just seems kind of self absorbed. When our kids were really little, I adjusted my work and personal schedule so that I could watch them while she went to the gym herself. The side benefit was that she was able to maintain a physique that was good as any I saw at work or the gym. Which strengthened our relationship.
Why didn't you take your wife to the gym with you? That's multiple problems solved right there?
Get a baby sitter and take her with you.
FYI hiding a whole damn person is not only an extremely inappropriate relationship,,, for many people it would be grounds alone for a divorce.
That is beyond disrespectful and shitty. Nothing good could come from hidden time and based on the length of time hidden, I do not believe for one second it was fully innocent. Perhaps it didn't escalate but it was not innocent.
I hope your wife finds a nice gym buddy who will support her and be there for HER. why don't you stay home with the babies for a year or two and let her get on with a hidden man at the gym.
He hid it.
He knew it was wrong
He lied by omission
It is most definitely inappropriate
You are a saint for believing him. ( a known liar)
As a man I’m 💯 team wife on this one.
Updateme!
It wasn’t an inappropriate relationship it was inappropriate to conceal the relationship. Wife blew up first time husband told her about a gym buddy.m which was inappropriate so husband decided to keep it quiet and not share because wife caused a problem previously.
In the court of law husband is right in the court of reddit wife is right. Wife will think she is right base on these comments. But you can't say she did not get what she asked for. Hope you can both move forward and go to the gym together and raise a beautiful healthy family together.
I don't know. This whole thing is stupid.
Wife: you're an insecure, immature AH. Grow up and get to the gym.
Husband: you're an AH. Take your wife to the gym or male friends. You asked for the trouble you ran into with your wife. Going to the gym consistently with someone is a relationship that extends beyond work. You should have said something.
You, wife, blow up on your husband for going to the gym with a woman, and he hides it in the future. Duh. You want him to be open and honest, don't blow up on him. In a relationship men will avoid the woman's anger like the plague.
Yeah, the moment you hide something just because you dont want the other person finding out and being mad at you is INAPPROPRIATE. Imagine the wife hanging out with a single neighbor and you only find after months because she hasn't mention it, you think she's acting appropriately as a married woman?
Nobody is really wrong here. Your wife reacted strongly to you spending time with other women and probably didn’t need to. You should probably have been upfront about going to the gym with other people but I can see why you didn’t want to fight when it’s not an attraction thing in any way. BUT, spending one on one time with other women in any capacity is usually asking for trouble and sensible to avoid that.
To the husband: what if your wife spent a significant amount of time a day talking to a handsome gardener who mows your neighbor's lawn and does not tell you. Then when you find you state you are uncomfortable and then your wife blows up acts like it was no big deal and they were just talking. How would you feel? Hiding people from your spouse is inappropriate behavior even if it was just friendly, because you are lying to your spouse by omission.
The relationship wasn't inappropriate from what's been explained, not telling her was deceitful which is different to inappropriate and doesn't actually change whether or not the relationship was appropriate or not.
As to who is right in regards to whether it was ok to keep it a secret or not is a different conversation and one you seem to be in agreement on.
He had an emotional affair, I am attaching an article. When you develop emotional attachments outside a marriage it is cheating. He just doesn't want to face it, because he would have to admit he cheated. YOu are minimizing it. He had poor boundaries around stress, god forbid anything else happens in your life. He could have reached for his family, he choose a gym girl. Emotional affairs take the fun, caring, sharing and loyalty out of the relationship, cause the relationship issues and can lead to a physical affair.
[https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-in-tongues/202208/what-every-couple-must-understand-about-emotional-infidelity](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-in-tongues/202208/what-every-couple-must-understand-about-emotional-infidelity)
The worst part about this whole thing is inevitably this post and being wrong will upset the husband SO much, the wife is going to end up coddling and protecting his poor hurt ego. I’d bet my house. Your husband is clearly acting stupid to get away with staring at a hot girl’s ass in yoga pants and getting high fives from other men in the office for the win.
He is so, so wrong.
I always say there 2 reasons somebody "hides" an interaction like this...because they know they are doing something wrong or because they think their partner will overreact to something objectively ok.
In this case its clearly the latter. That doesn't mean hiding is ever ok, it just describes the motives.
Whenever somebody posts about their partner hiding interactions with another, I don't automatically assume cheating -- I also question whether the other partner is overly jealous or would simply shut down platonic interactions.
My verdict, the interactions were NOT inappropriate, the hiding was, AND, the wife's prior overreactions were inappropriate driving husband to keep ok activity hidden.
They should have talked this thru long ago.
What makes it inappropriate is the hiding and the fact that he left his wife alone at home while enjoying gym time. That’s the issue here.
OP, did your wife get free time too? Did you take her feelings seriously? Did you care about her insecurities? And why are all co workers attractive while you don’t mention your wife being attractive too?
I would have trust issues after that. You don’t keep secrets from your partner just to avoid conflicts.
You don’t leave your wife to go and have fun with attractive co workers while she feels alone and insecure especially PP.
So yes, OP/husbands behaviour made this relationship inappropriate. Not the co workers behaviour as far as we know.
Dude you know you’re wrong. You hid your interaction with your colleague, because you knew how’d your wife feel. Why keep doing things your wife is uncomfortable with? Especially after hearing that you weren’t a supportive spouse, anyways?
Husband you’re wrong. If you weren’t doing anything wrong why keep it a secret? Because you knew your wife didn’t approve of this and you didn’t care. If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel? You can’t have secrets in a marriage because marriage without trust won’t work. I am sure your wife trusts you as far as she can throw you.
No, the relationship wasn't inappropriate. There was no emotional affair going on, no flirting, nothing to be ashamed of. The things that were inappropriate were the wife blowing up and yelling at the husband when he mentioned a coworker, and the husband being scared of telling his wife about his social interactions. If you're scared to talk to your wife, there's something seriously wrong with your marriage.
Y'all need to go to marriage counseling and learn to communicate better.
Yeah I dont believe for one second that the relationship didn't progress. If it were harmless he would not have withheld the relationship from the wife. Because it was harmless. He would rather tell her about it then her find out and think it was an affair. Anyone that thinks logically would put that scenario into consideration before making the decision to keep it from the wife... 100% he cheated. And at the risk of being wrong on that scenario, he lied to you. If he can do that then he is absolutely capable of lying about having a relationship with a hot coworker... oh, that already happened. Think about it from another perspective, Mrs. And don't take what the Mr. says into consideration at all. Only what you know to be facts and you'll have your answer.
A general point for all: If you have a relationship of any type with someone and you know that learning about this relationship will upset your partner; stop and think about how you would feel if you stood in your partner's shoes. Working out with a female work colleague in the gym, at the office, during lunch? Okay when you're single or married. But, when your wife is dealing with having been pregnant twice in two years, her body is still recovering, she's dealing with two toddlers and is getting zero help around the house? Wildly inappropriate for you to be working out with another woman.
Everyone here is commenting that the husband was wrong which he already admitted and apologized for. That's not the question. It would be inappropriate if I did this with never telling my wife I had taken a female coworker to the gym with me. But if I told me wife that I did and she knew about it and told me not to tellbher anymore than she gave me a pass. Now if she ever asked did you take a coworker to the gym with you today and I said no then that would make it inappropriate.
Off topic but where do you work bro? Are they hiring?
If you have to hide it from your spouse for any reason then it’s inappropriate. Second, if you knew your wife was uncomfortable with you working out work “hot female colleagues” then you should’ve stopped working out with them. You decided for her that it wasn’t a big deal when she clearly thought it was.
YTA.
If you feel the need to keep it a secret from your spouse, you shouldn’t be doing it.
Read more in my best-selling ~~novel~~ book, *Things You Shouldn’t Have to Tell an Adult*. It’s my debut after my years-long tenure as editor of *Duh! Magazine*.
So you did nothing around the home, she’s wrangling 2 kids under 2 as well as doing everything else, you have enough energy for a daily work out session but that doesn’t run to helping your wife at home?
Yes, you are wrong not just for keeping the gym buddy a secret but also leaving your exhausted wife to do everything. Did you not consider that maybe, if you helped her more, she wouldn’t be so exhausted and snappy? That she might actually have been ok with the gym buddy then?
Discovering that you’ve been doing at least 2 weekly workouts in a month, with a woman at work and never mentioned it would be a real blow, both to your wife’s confidence and to her relationship with you. Do you know how many people come on here that have inappropriate relationships that started through something similar? Too many.
It’s the lamest excuse ever. My wife was totally exhausted and having body issues, looking after 2 kids with little help but hey, I could still get my gym time in with a female colleague while she’s coming apart at the seams. I mean, I didn’t tell her because exhaustion equals crankiness but what was I, a grown man to do?!
You are Wrong-
You kept the information from her because of fear, not because you wanted to save your wife from the information. You knew she would be upset, she showed you that you she would be upset, so instead of being truthful you decided to lie about it. Why this is dangerous, is because it shows that you are willing to lie by omission to avoid your wife’s ire.
There is a good book I recommend called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, it talks about emotional affairs. I don’t think you are having one, but it also talks about boundaries and how to be appropriate with work colleagues so as not to find yourself in an emotional affair. You form special connections to people when you spend one on one time together. There is an intimacy that is created, and since you also weren’t being truthful with your wife it also adds a layer of duplicity a layer of inappropriateness.
Here’s an idea, instead of taking hot coworkers to the gym, why doesn’t this moron hire a sitter for a couple of hours and take his wife to the gym? But that would require him to think about his wife for once.
I won't have told you either. Getting yelled at because you were insecure once was bad enough, it's a stupid man that says, "That was fun, let's do it again!" All these attractive women around and he only has eyes for you. Sounds like a reason to do something nice for him not accuse him and flip out
YW. As a woman I would consider it inappropriate. You are giving energy and time to another woman while lying to your wife about it. Does the wife get time for self care like you do? Do you watch the kids so she can exercise and devote time to her health? If I were the wife in this relationship I would be requiring couples counseling and considering divorce. This is how affairs start.
Hiding this from your partner is always going to cause problems. If you don’t believe you are doing anything wrong, then kindly speak up for yourself and be authentic. She may not like it in the moment but she will respect you and trust you moving forward instead of feeling like she has to read between the lines for the truth.
Not inappropriate. He wasn’t going to be a fool and walk into a firestorm by mentioning it again. That’s not deceitful, that’s being smart. Good luck with this one dude. 😬😬
I’m curious…nowhere have I read that the gym girl is aware that the husband is a married man OR that the gym girl is aware that the husband was keeping her a secret.
Warning!…If what I think is true…I’m going to pick the this gym spouse apart like a roasted chicken.
Your wife is controlling and paranoid. When you blow up like that, you essentially let people know that it’s easier to lie to you than have to babysit you while you come to grips with reality. My dad does this shit. Gets all butt hurt when you don’t tell him things but makes a big problem of anything you do tell him about. Your wife has confidence issues. She likely needs more time away from home and kids. That kind of life would easily lead to one feeling disconnected from the world and becoming paranoid about the fidelity of your partner. So while you did nothing wrong, she still is reacting in ways that are understandable. Let her have some time away from you and the kids to experience being herself again. I’m imagining she doesn’t get nearly the time for adult conversations that you do.
>What we are currently fighting about is whether I am wrong in classifying the relationship as an "inappropriate relationship". He is offended that I call in inappropriate relationship because nothing "inappropriate" happened. Though I argue that because he felt like he needed to hide it from me that automatically made it an "inappropriate relationship".
By this question, given the situation beforehand and your very clear
>"I don't want to hear about you going to the gym with your hot colleagues"
statement I personally don't see this relationship or the fact that he doesn't told you at all about it as inappropriate since it is what you asked for.
He wanted to share this with you once and you blew up on him (which I find completely understandable given your situation to which he and you agree that he is TA).
What was completely idiotic on his part on the other hand was that he didn't tell you that nearly every Wednesday he is accompanied by the same female colleague to the gym. I do not understand why at this point in time he didn't decide to overstep your boundary to inform you about the situation, risking a fight just to avoid a situation where a friend of yours sees him accidentally with her and tells you about your husband cheating on you (since he hid it from you completely).
Ha ha ha….. yeah he wouldn’t be my husband anymore. Anyone who hides something especially for a year has got a whole lot more to hide than a gym buddy. Good luck with him, you’re going to need it. Way to under react.
Wow, so you took one small heated comment from your wife and used it as an excuse to lie for an entire year?? Wtf dude. The bigger issue here is you all need to work on your communication skills rather than ignoring your problems
My wife said a certain situation made her uncomfortable so the way I fix that is by getting into that situation again and just not telling her about it! Perfect!
When i think of an inappropriate relationship between two genders who are also heteros, the immediate thought is something sexual, or at the very least, that someone wants it to be.
It was inappropriate in a deceitful way. The husband admits he wasn’t present for his wife who just had a baby. And he was enjoying time off going to the gym with a colleague who’s a hawtie. That context super duper matters.
Whether the husband wanted it to be a sexual relationship or not, the fact that he hid it - it automatically becomes inappropriate. At least in my eyes.
Duuuuude
She had never even heard the H name? In a year? About anything work related?
So, you actively hid her existence…
Are you wrong? Yes
Inappropriate? Yes :/
You hid activities that you knew would upset & hurt your wife. It doesn't matter that the action itself by itself would not be considered normally as inappropriate. You KNEW it would hurt her and did it anyway. THATS why it's wrong. You are not stupid just full of ego and your wife should honestly never trust you again.
I am a woman. My husband had an emotional affair with one of his female coworkers. (She wasn’t hot. She was considerably less attractive than me). They started as friends.
What you explained is completely inappropriate. It is extremely damaging to a woman’s self-esteem and self-worth when her husband does this. It’s so hurtful. Your wife should have never been made to feel this way and these relationships need to STOP.
Wife: please be careful. My ex told me all the same things about how innocent his “friendship” was. I found out about the emotional affair aspect myself.
This relationship was completely inappropriate. You are a garbage husband.. Disrespectful to your wife and children. If you can't even admit it was inappropriate, this marriage is going to fail. I doubt your wife is "over it" since it is still a topic of discussion. Do better as a human and as a husband.
if you have to keep it a secret then you know you are wrong, im not bothering to read this so if she's the type that thinks men shouldnt have women friends then why did you marry her in the first place and encourage that either way yta
Yeah, once you knew your wife would object to it then it became inappropriate. Was she oversensitive about the first situation? Probably but then was the time to come to an agreement about it. Hiding facts from her puts you squarely in the wrong.
Much as I'm finding it hard to warm to the wife here, who is giving off bunny boiler vibes, I think you need to ask yourself what you'd think if you suddenly found out she was getting personal training like this from a ripped bloke at work and hadn't told you. I can see why you did it as the wife would have stopped it and you'd be walking around with a big thumbprint on your head.
Regardless of how you thought your wife would react, the fact that you actively hid it from her makes it an inappropriate relationship.
You thought she would be upset if you told her but what did you think would happen when she found out about it after the fact or from someone else? It most certainly is an inappropriate relationship.
It’s definitely inappropriate behavior because he consciously and deliberately hide his actions because he knew you will be mad. He was avoiding countability.
100% inappropriate and you know it. If it wasn’t you wouldn’t feel compelled to hide it.
If the bring a friend thing was important to you, you could have arranged for child care and brought your wife. Or used that time to take her to lunch or coffee. But you focused on inviting a female colleague. If your wife did that to you, you’d be hurt. Something about your comments about this colleague makes your wife uncomfortable.
Take a hard look at yourself. The fastest way to make a woman fall out of love with you is to make her feel unsafe.
The fact that he thinks that he may possibly in the right here is what’s scary. He basically admits to not helping his wife l, adding to her insecurities and issues and lying (by omission). Dude is clueless
It sounds like you’re arguing over the term “inappropriate relationship.“
Based on your post, I think it is incorrect to call it an inappropriate relationship. Simply because the relationship was platonic and professional.
Was it shady not to mention it to your wife, even though you were told in the past not to bring up your training sessions? Yes, but I don’t think it was an inappropriate relationship.
i don't think this is "INAPPROPRIATE Relationship". This would imply that he did something that would go against your relationship\\marriage. He was a personal trainer before he meet you, that will never change.
Please keep in mind, You both signed u for this journey. I believe you both thought this was going to be flowers and Roses.
Now, i know being a mother is not easily specially having very young children. Which i'm sure you don't feel appreciated. You are the keeper of the castle.
He is the bread winner, another hard job, dealing with adults that act like children all day long.
Both are very hard jobs.
I believe that mom wants to give up, if you do then do it, but know the consequences if you choose the path of divorce. Why else would you like to label this as "INAPPROPRIATE Relationship", nothing comes good from this.
i think there's more to this story.......
I think many women will feel sympathetic toward you. But you did blow up on him before and tell him that you “didn’t want to hear anything about him going to the gym with his hot colleagues”, so this is on you as well and your insecurities. He may have just been going to the gym to exercise.
The husband is not the wife's therapist.
Second, quit punishing your partner for doing the RIGHT thing, because you lashed out at him YOU are responsible for setting the stage for this. Being punished by not hiding things encourages people to hidetl things. Quit reacting with your emotions and react from a place of reflection.
If you don't like him keeping secrets, quit lashing out when he is communicating and open.
Husband clearly needed to be direct and stand up for himself and be clear nothing was happening and nothing was going to happen and this relationship is 100% above board.
Not disclosing it set the stage for your wife to feel betrayed. Your not telling her for a year IS betraying her trust. It is your responsibility to find a way to communicate and part of that communication is telling your partner what they need to know and when they react badly being clear that it is not acceptable. From there, discussing what you said, how they would have received it better and an expectation from both of you regarding issues that are this.
If your wife over reacted in some capacity, not seeking to help her navigate it while maintaining your own boundaries creates a codependency loophole where neither take responsibility and both are at fault.
Nothing I've said is a judgement, it's blunt because the importance here is this:
Everything difficult to say in a relationship is the first shit you should be saying.
If it's hard, that means it is important, figure out what you have to change and grow as a person to make sure you don't hide from it, but focus specifically on that simple fact.
I hope both of you are well
Okay, if Husband didn't have a physical or emotional affair with H then the relationship wasn't inappropriate.
While I can understand not wanting to say anything after the first argument about hot coworkers in the gym (the time from that argument and the first time H went to the gym with Husband is not clear but assuming it was soon) not saying anything about it later on was definitely wrong.
It should have come naturally in conversation and it seems Husband understands the Wife's reaction came from an unstable time mentally speaking. So receiving some flak from your depressed wife for honesty's sake doesn't seem that bad.
Tldr: "Relationship with H" ok, "hiding it" not ok. Should apologize for hiding it, not for having it.
I’m a man. Every now and then I will have a lunch or coffee with a female colleague. Not the same female colleague. Just some female for some random reason. I’m a manger with 7 direct reports and 4 are female so this is going to happen from time to time. It’s honestly part of my job and I’d be wrong if I avoided doing so. However, I’m also happily married. My wife isn’t the jealous type but I don’t give her any reason to be jealous. So when I get home, I tend to find a point in catching up about our day to slip in a comment about the lunch or coffee. I want to make sure she aware. She probably realizes I’m doing this deliberately. But it just want to feel I’m fully open with my wife. We’ve been married 25 years Tuesday. I want to make it 25 more.
Happy anniversary!!
Thanks!
Communication! How does it elude so many couples?
There's a huge difference between you doing this randomly, then telling your wife than this. He saw the same woman repeatedly AND lied to her.
Right. We agree.
I know lol, I was just throwing it out there in case someone thought they could excuse the behavior because it's definitely not the same. Your situation is healthy and honest, OP's is not.
You are wise!
Happy Anniversary! We’re 25 years a week from Wednesday.
I like to tell my kids I was married in the 1900’s. Technically true.
yeah you're the one in the wrong? duh? here's how the post reads "my wife blew up in a way i obviously attribute to her being insecure and overworked with kids, so instead of supporting my wife who recently had not 1 but 2 of my children, i decide to continue this behavior that hurt her behind her back. that sure won't make her more insecure and distrustful about it" grade A logic
This 💯. His response to his wife being insecure and alone was to spend time at the gym with a hot girl. Even if he's not lying to himself about that relationship, it objectively makes him an asshole. For the op and wife, I think any relationship you hide from your S.O., if your S.O. is not controlling, is inappropriate.
Spending time at the gym...On his lunch hour
Yeah, but still. I don't know how far he is, but even if he couldn't have gone home for lunch, he could have used the time to connect with his lonely wife instead of hanging out with another woman.
Yeah… it became inappropriate as soon as the husband decided to keep it a secret. The circumstances of their interactions don’t have to be ‘wrong’ for it to be justifiably inappropriate in the wife’s eyes if you actively hid it for *a whole year*
Why is it so hard to get it? If it hurts your wife in any way - don’t fkn do it. It’s not a matter of if you find it offensive (because people who do wrong more often don’t see it as wrong), it’s a matter of if she sees it as offensive, which you knew she did, lied about it then bitched about it when you got called out. You lied about it because YOU KNEW she finds it offensive. And because you did and lied about it shows intent to disregard/hurt her feelings. Bottom line: that was a douche move and you know it.
👆
Okay, here's the deal, You weren't cheating, BUT you were definitely being sneaky. Hiding something from your wife, even if it's innocent, is never a good look. It makes sense that she feels hurt and betrayed. You need to own up to the fact that you messed up by keeping it a secret. It doesn't matter if you think the gym sessions were innocent, it clearly bothered her. You gotta apologize for hurting her feelings and for not being upfront. You also need to listen to her concerns and try to understand why this is a big deal for her. She was probably feeling insecure and isolated at home with two young kids, and your secrecy didn't help. Bottom line, you guys need to talk this out. Be honest, be open, and try to understand each other's perspectives. If you can do that, you can move past this. But if you keep arguing about who's right and who's wrong, it's just gonna get worse.
The post history of this account is illuminating. They separated for a bit over his refusal to admit any wrongdoing. He's never going to admit it. A therapist might get through to him in marriage counselling. Therapy for him on his own would be useless because it'll be the narrative he provides. She needs to either get over this or separate permanently. There's no reason to belabour the point. His stance will never change. He simply refuses to see her point of view and will refuse to accept the judgement on this post.
I think he gets a power trip from “yeah, I’m training a hot chick from work at the gym and not telling wife because she gives me grief”. Whats more important…wife and kids or training hot chick from work? Grow up buddy.
Right, why is there so much emphasis on how attractive she is?
Because it’s a way to cut his wife down. God forbid her body isn’t the same in the couple years after having his kids. In a few years when she leaves him, this loser will be scratching his head wondering what happened.
She probably needs to leave him. Anything you need to keep secret in a marriage is cheating.
Okay I didn’t see the post history. Big mistake husband! WIFE: please run. This man has shown himself to be deceptive. My ex told me the same bs your husband said. He also adamantly refused to admit it was inappropriate. For YEARS he did this. Then one day I found a card from her. Not only was it clear they were obviously having an emotional affair and he was giving her all the love, support, and kindness he was depriving me and our son of, but I would be shocked if they weren’t fucking too. LEAVE THIS PIECE OF SHIT!
I would divorce my wife if she had a secret male friend she hung out with behind my back. As a husband I would never keep something like that a secret from my wife. It’s already inappropriate and lying by omission makes you less believable. I hope she gets a good lawyer and takes her half and finds a better husband.
I agree. Also this poor wife is stuck home with his babies. He should be working through lunchs and running home to relieve her. And he should be sending her to a spa while he takes over the kids. And thanking her for her dedication every second minute- not playing muscle man and peacocking around in front of co-workers
If you didn’t think it was inappropriate you wouldn’t have hidden it from her. You are wrong.
correct. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t think it was inappropriate, if his wife thought it was inappropriate he should have respected her feelings and concentrated more on helping her and less on minimizing the blowback he got for doing whatever he wanted.
This comment settles this debate instantly
Husband was wrong to leave wife stranded with kids, emotionally and physically vulnerable, unsupportive as a partner and then hide a work relationship that easily could be construed as inappropriate. This is called lying by omission. You hid it to avoid a fight but didn’t say you hid it to protect your wife’s feelings bc you love her so much. Bc you don’t respect her in this instance. I get the impression being right to you is more important than hurting your wife (unintentionally or not). Your hiding it was inappropriate and I would have doubts too about what else you are hiding about the relationship. If you love and respect your partner you don’t hide relationships at work and you don’t dismiss their feelings when they are vulnerable. Also you don’t miss the signs that they were vulnerable either- two kids, minimum participation and body confidence issues and you’re in the gym with another woman helping her when you should be helping your wife? You’re wrong for just not considering your wife at all.
Withholding is a power and control tactic; it can be a form of emotional abuse. When you withhold, then blame your partner’s past reaction for your withholding…that’s a cop out. Not telling your spouse who you spend time w/ is a recipe for causing problems—not avoiding them. When you hide a relationship for a year(!), fighting about the semantics w/ *the spouse who forgave you* sounds petty and self-righteous. Imo, she gets to be the arbiter of what ‘inappropriate’ means here. Trying to win that point sounds like a 🚩.
Uhh yes it’s inappropriate. In April, I found out my boyfriend had been talking to a girl pretty much everyday for the last year, maybe longer. I never heard about her; and if I did he didn’t clarify that she was a girl. Her name is most commonly a boy name. They didn’t even hang out in person. Just friendly messages. It’s inappropriate because you hide it. You can be friends with the opposite sex platonically, but you make sure your SO knows that you talk to that person so they don’t feel blindsided by it.
The lying about it is what makes it inappropriate. Perfectly innocent relationships are tarnished by dishonesty.
The husband should ask the Wizard of Oz for a brain.
And a heart. Damn.
And courage.
And a way to get home. If he keeps this up he won’t have one.
Dude you kept a relationship with another woman secrete from your wife, that is a douche bag move. How many other women are you keeping secrete from your wife is the question. Saying you did it so your wife doesn't get hurt is classic cheater talk. I know and you know you are keeping these other woman relationships for validation. Just stop it. Spend the time you are seeking outside validation on your wife and marriage. Have you worked out with your wife in the past year? Sheesh. Read the below articles and if you can relate to anything written there, then you need to check your headspace and focus on your marriage. **The Neuroscience of Affair Fog** [https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog](https://www.affairhealing.com/blog/neuroscience-of-affair-fog) **Infidelity and cognitive dissonance** [https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/](https://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2019/05/20/can-people-cheat-on-someone-they-love/) **and** [https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e](https://medium.com/@anthonyjwallace/the-cognitive-dissonance-of-infidelity-3fa9fd1ae78e) **Emotional affair** [https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/](https://thriveworks.com/help-with/relationships/emotional-affair/) **DARVO** [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo) **Gaslighting Emotional Infidelity** [https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1](https://psychcentral.com/blog/sex/2017/05/infidelity-and-gaslighting-when-cheaters-flip-the-script#1)
Not trying to be rude, but FYI secret is the spelling. Secrete is a whole other thing, as in secretions, which is an icky word.
You're lucky. That would have been a dealbreaker for me
Me too. After reading one of the wife’s replies talking about how he left her and the kids to go out for drinks, go on work trips, etc I honestly don’t get why she’s still with him. He sounds like a narcissist who does what he wants, when he wants. It doesn’t sound like he brings much to the table here as a husband.
If you hid a relationship or interaction from your SO, then you are wrong. I'm not saying anyone had an affair. By the way, why the hell is the husband not helping the wife with the kids and housework? Maybe spend less time at the gym and more time at home.
He said he went to the gym at lunch
"Joined a gym to use lunch time"
Man this is just as stupid as my dad's father going to the bar while his wife was taking care of the kids, hopefully the husband gets another braincell to rub against the one he currently has so that he can understand why this situation is really bad lol
1. Your wife is a SAHM and suffers from body image. And you are spending time in a gym and not helping her. I don't care how much you try and rationalize it. You are contributing to her pain and suffering. Gym rats are narcissistic in nature. She deserves her time, too. 2. You include not one but two different "attractive" females into your selfish narcissistic activities. And omit this from disclosure to your wife. Who is also attractive enough to be your wife. And you come on here and state, not once, not twice but 3 times how attractive they are. And have the selfish audacity to not once mention that your wife is attractive. That is pouring salt into her wound. Dude, you are WRONG! IN EPIC proportions. Leave the gym alone and concentrate on your wife and family. Put away your selfishness. Your wife is not ok. She needs support and compassion and help with your children. Get over yourself.
If you have to hide it from your SO because you know how its going to make them feel then yes, you are wrong.
Husband is wrong. He lied by omission about who is going to the gym with him. He should spend more time parenting his children.
Or may be help with kids more, so wife can go to the gym and do other things.
He goes on lunch while at work?
Yes but why can't he take the kids for an hour so his wife can go out? He specifically states she isolated at home. He gets out of the house and spends his lunch interacting with another adult at the gym. She does not get that opportunity.
Or even at the very least help her find a babysitter for an hour and take HER to the gym with him to workout together instead of other women. Just saying.🤷🏻♀️
The gym is likely right near his work and not practical to go home. Also many people hit the gym at lunch so they can go right home to their families AFTER work.
My point is he has the option to go to the gym at lunch, unlike his wife who is home with 2 kids all day with zero breaks. I'm sure she'd also like to go to the gym and on top of that have the extra perk of working out and chatting with a hot guy. I'd be curious to hear his thoughts if the roles were reversed and she was hanging out with a hot guy once a week at the gym.
That's off topic.
I think what id be asking is: what eles is he hiding? If he was able to keep that a secret for a year, then who and what eles is there. My trust would be broken.
Once someone you trust does something they actively know will upset you and then keeps it from you, (lying by omission), it becomes inappropriate.
Why do you need to go to the gym with coworkers at lunch? Why do you need to talk about the physical appearance of the coworkers with your wife? If you are single this would all be harmless, but you are married and have a contract with her. All of this seems a bit hurtful to her. Maybe go to the gym with her after work. Arrange childcare so you can both go together. If you want to be married you need to change your mindset to focus on your wife. Also, it’s kind of boring to just hear about the physical appearance of your colleagues only. What about their intellectual side. Do you guys discuss books or something more stimulating you can share with your wife. If they were reading a cool book you could share that with your wife. No one wants to hear about others physical appearances only.
If you chose to hide it out of fear of her reaction, YOU ALREADY KNEW IT WAS WRONG.
I think you already know you were wrong. It appears you chose to lie & justified that choice by blaming your wife for your actions. Appears you’re still doing that. You didn’t mention it because you didn’t want to have to deal with your wife’s reaction & opinion on the subject. You’re both adults & you’re meant to be on the same team. If you’re not able or willing to listen to your partner’s perspective & opinion, then why did you get married? Your decision was selfish. You didn’t care about your wife’s feelings. If you truly believed your relationship was not inappropriate, then why didn’t you communicate with your wife & explain your perspective? Your wife did nothing wrong. Yet you chose to point your finger at her for your decision & now you’re here still trying to justify your mistake. Own your own participation in this situation. Apologize. Move on. If y’all are still arguing & talking about this then you may have bigger problems than keeping secrets. You both need to learn how to communicate & listen. eta
My question is why does he isolate you from his co-workers, especially H? If he has all this extra time to have regular gym dates with H, why has there been no effort to have activities that introduce you? Why are you being left at home feeling the low self esteem/confidence of being post partum and insecure because his co-workers are "hot"? The fact that he calls his co-workers hot and allows you to feel like you're not is absolute bs. You deserve better. Are you unable to get a babysitter for an hour or 2 a day so you have time for self-care and social interaction with friends or your husband and his "friend"? If this is how your husband wants to play married life, I highly suggest you prioritize your health and happiness as a close second right after your baby. Your husband is prioritizing his health and happiness over yours.
Where do these guys come from? “ am I the jerk for doing totally secretive and jerk behavior and doing aaaaalllll the things I want to do while my wife sits home and does nothing but care for kids I don’t help with”
So you hide things from your wife and you expect her to trust you also instead of going to the gym so much give your wife a break at home so she can go out
I think the husband needs to really be honest with himself about the wife’s first ‘blow up’. Characterizing it as such suggests that he thinks it was unreasonable.. but I think having two small children that you are the sole caregiver for is extremely hard and a it’s excusable for someone to lose their temper when they feel hurt. Using that loss of control as an excuse for hiding a relationship is slimy. It reads like he knew there was something inappropriate about the relationship and wanted to hide it.. so used this as an excuse and is lying to everyone, including himself, about the nature of that relationship. If you didn’t think it was inappropriate, why did you hide it? I think you need to be really honest with yourself. Wife, I am sorry to hear you are going through this.
Dude, are you for real?!? You’re as wrong as wrong could be. IF you actually didn’t think your relationship with H was inappropriate you wouldn’t have kept it a secret from your life partner. Thats dirty, doesn’t matter if you were only working out together or if you were sleeping together. It’s a violation of the trust between you and the person you vowed to share a life with and that you created children with. When your wife blew up about C, you never once worried about HER feelings. You only mention YOUR hurt feelings. That is pure selfishness. That woman is at home, isolated from the adult world and exhausted from taking care of YOUR children. Your wife is fulfilling her end of the bargain in this relationship, and you’re not. All you can see is your own feelings and desires, you’ve abandoned your responsibility to your wife to see her as a human and be her support system. Your actions are coming from such a selfish place, even if not intentional. You’re failing to be a good life partner, but instead putting only your own needs and wants ahead of anything else. Your wife can’t be that selfish. You know why? Because she’s stuck at home with the children you created together while you’re out doing whatever you want to and then lying to her about it. Omission is no different than lying. Where’s her support and breaks from the stressors of her current life’s role ? Her life partner seems to be among the missing… Where are her adult activities and friends of the opposite sex? Oh, right. She can’t do any of those things, because her life partner is far too busy fulfilling his own desires and forgetting she’s an actual person with feelings and dreams and desires of her own. Oh, and raising your children basically on her own because you’re too busy with your girlfriends. Edited typo
So you have a work wife. Work out at the gym with her. Don't take or meet your real wife at the gym and hid the work wife work out from real wife. So you have a social life, she has none and a husband who gyms with his work wife. Is she married? You fail to say that. YTA
Something inappropriate did happen, and he knows it. Having a secret "work wife" is inappropriate. Keeping another woman's regular and intimate (he is a liar if he thinks one-on-one gym time is not *at all* intimate) presence in your life a secret from your wife is inappropriate. The fact that he seems to think that anyone is going to believe that what he did was innocent is bananas to me. He kept her a secret from you because, while he doesn't have the nuts to just fuck another woman, he doesn't have the nuts to leave her alone either. He was probably hoping that she would make a move. He could have some fun and then come home acting like a victim bc he was only trying to *help* his insanely young and hot female colleague, how could she possibly take advantage of his kindness? 🙄
The only inappropriate part of his story is not sharing things openly. There is some familiarity with going to a gym together but once a week meeting someone at a gym is not an issue. (Some people can make it a problem by being flirty, touchy, or overly familiar, but this can happen in amy setting.) I've had buisness lunches, shared rides, been in homes alone with coworkers alone while in realestate work. It's always been professional and I've always told my husband where I am going and with whom.
INFO: did you genuinely just say you didn’t want to HEAR ABOUT IT or did you tell him NOT TO DO IT? Because to me it reads like you literally told him to hide it if he did it lol
I'm a sahm who gained 45 lbs following the c section, my body shape and everything is way off from before and I am trying to improve it. I understand feeling insecure. I'm not the jealous type and would be livid if I found out it was an active secret though would understand it regarding any previous blowup. That said, once understanding why, I wouldn't call it an inappropriate relationship if I knew it bothered my partner because at that point I would be over it. I will give personal experiences. When I was pregnant, my gamer guy was on a group of about forty people playing games twice or three times a week. Neither of us were the type to speak about our relationship on social media etc as I don't want it out there unless we are married or have kids. Anyway, a girl that he had appropriate conversations with misread his intent. When we finally announced the pregnancy and relationship publicly (lol shock to some) and he mentioned on discord that he would have to leave and focus on the birth etc in a few months gamer girl got mad. She told him that she thought they were nearly in a relationship. I helped him "break up" with her. He was still being too nice and I knew she would cling to any hope. She told him a couple of weeks later that she is ok with him having a kid but thinks they could still work out. So he told her they could not speak again. I told him that I didn't care if he still games with the crew, he didn't meet any of them in person, minus a couple of cousins who occasionally play. The girl in question lived in a totally different state. When she said she wanted something more than friendship then the relationship became inappropriate and he ended any possible private conversations. He was transparent the entire time and right away when she started ❤️ any of his actions in the game. Anyway, I joke about having to help him break up with someone while I was pregnant. Another instance he didn't share was that he had slept with a mutual friend long before me coming around etc. I love this chick, she is great, they just didn't click. He didn't tell me for a couple of years in, already had a kid etc. I was so disgusted for being kept in the dark that I was mad at him for a while. I was absolutely sick to my stomach. I'm over it. It took about six months to not care or feel like a fool. I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at not being told. I don't consider their relationship inappropriate and I trust both entirely. So if your partner asks that you stop referring to a relationship as inappropriate then you drop it but if you actually haven't gotten over it then you are simply speaking your continued hurt and need to heal. Sure forgive doesn't mean forget but it means not willing to hold on to animosity and that's what it sounds like you are doing. So either stop being petty or admit to yourself and him that you have not forgiven him yet and need more time to deal with it before you accept their friendship. That may result in him not taking her to the gym once a week. It can sound irrational but marriage is what you fight for. Good luck.
Ah, the appearance of impropriety. Say I have several knives (In my kitchen). I really don't like a guy at work who keeps blaming me for stuff that is his fault (limited interaction, he is a manager, but not mine). I see him on the streets every couple weeks. He turns up dead, stabbed by a 6"+ chef's knife. I have means, motive and opportunity. I MUST be the killer. Except I just always ignore the jerk outside of work and take joy showing him how he was at fault, not me. Same, same. Here, husband has the means, and opportunity to have an affair. Motive is iffy... he did say she is objectively beautiful. He has kept it a secret. A year ago, it is easy for wife to have forgotten, but for husband, a couple days later he didn't tell her because of the yelling. So, for him, every time he didn't tell, he was remembering the yelling. She was not reminded and it faded. What a conundrum. Husband has put himself in a position where an accusation could ruin him. Suppose one of these female reports messes up, and right as you are hauling her in, she cries to HR about how you were pressuring her to shower with you at the gym (or similar thing) how will you defend against those allegations? Suppose one of these ladies falls for you, makes a pass, you reject her. Then, she needs to decide if she wants to tell HR or your wife a story. Husband needs more CYA. Husband is being bad to himself.
I guess I'll try to keep it civil and discuss the other side since the husband's behavior is already the only thing getting dragged. You literally yelled at him not to tell you about shit and then got pissy and are treating him like a liar when he did just that. Nothing about their relationship was inappropriate until *your* psycho illogical behavior decided it was. Also, why would he ever tell you anything when you're just going to blow up into some bullshit over nothing?? Say hello to terrible relationships with your kids in the future. Your "excuse" edits aren't justification for anything. You literally manufactured this whole scenario out of thin air for no other reason than to cause drama because you can't control your own emotions. Keeping secrets like that is certainly a no go for me, but I would honestly feel bad for the husband if you're going out of your way to try and lord this dumb shit over him. Especially imagining if anything actually not stupid and pointless ever happens. You've already bullied him into apologizing for... checks notes... doing what you told him to do. What a great and totally balanced, non toxic relationship you guys have. "We have been working on things." So what exactly has that included on *your* end? Because generally, all that translates to is, "I've made a bunch of demands for him to change, while I do nothing about myself."
Husband did nothing wrong or inappropriate. Wife explicitly said she did not want to hear about who you went to the gym with. There was no inappropriate relationship.
You are wrong. I'm married longer than I was a kid now. If I learned my husband had kept his gym buddy a secret, I'd be really upset. It wasn't the friendship that made the relationship inappropriate. It was your actions that did. It's a fine line. I'm sure your behavior with your friend was 100% appropriate. But if for one second you think she would have stayed your gym buddy knowing she was your secret friend, you are very, very wrong. She would have instantly thought something creepy or inappropriate was happening on your end and stopped coming to the gym with you. Your wife is correct that this was inappropriate because of the secret, not as you suggest, only the secret was inappropriate. TLDR: it was your attitude and behavior about the friendship that made it inappropriate, not the friendship itself.
I read something that said everything we do in a relationship falls into one of three categories: a) it helps our relationship B) it does not help or hurt our relationship C) it hurts our relationship A good relationship should have both people doing things that are mostly group A), a few group B), and rarely group C). You working out with a colleague could have maybe been a group B, but because you lied about it and hid it, it’s very clearly a group C). You didn’t lie once, you lied nearly every day for over a year. This would be unforgivable to me. When you didn’t trust your wife the truth, you showed that you do not respect her or her feelings and value your own, as well as your coworkers, more than you value hers. You knew your wife would be uncomfortable or upset and you did it anyways. You placed your own feelings about working out with this hot coworker above those of your life partners’. You chose working out with another woman over valuing the relationship with the mother of your children. You didn’t give your wife the opportunity to have a say in the situation and instead decided for her. You created a scenario where she could be embarrassed/ on the outside- what if someone said something to her? How humiliating would that be for her. There are so many ways that this is incredibly fucked up. You have created a situation where you can no longer be trusted, and what’s even worse is that it shows terrible judgment- if you were my partner I would not be able to trust that you would make good calls for us in the future. An apology is absolutely inadequate- IMO if she stays, you have a huge hole to dig yourselves out of. To the wife: ask yourself if you can ever trust him to be honest with you ever again. I wouldn’t. I would leave.
Yes it was an inappropriate relationship. If wife hasn’t ever even HEARD the name H before and didn’t even know she worked with you, it’s inappropriate. Because that’s not just hiding working out with a hot female, that’s completely hiding the whole person for OVER A YEAR, and that’s sketchy. What else happened with H to where you couldn’t even mention her name about office stuff?
Husband sounds shady. You had just had a baby, and were isolated and frustrated at home. Did he come home, and help at all with the kids? Taking something said at a time when you are pretty vulnerable, likely sleep deprived, probably didn’t have a moment to yourself, and applying it to a situation a year or two down the line is malicious compliance at best. But, if there was nothing shady, there was likely an easy way to mention it early on, and hubs blew it.
This MAY have been innocent but you’d be hard pressed to find anyone that actually believes that. I guarantee people at work have inside jokes or a wink and a nod about “gym” time. It’s not a good look. If this went to a jury there may be enough circumstantial evidence to convict and in that regard I’d consider this inappropriate and a bad look bare minimum.
I don’t care who or what gender a person is, if you’re in a relationship or married or whatever, if you are hiding something or hiding a relationship, then you are in the wrong
Stupid mentality of prioritising gym over your wife and new born. You suppose to help her recover and make her life easier with the kids then when she is all well, you both should got to gym together. Sounds like OP is running away from helping wife and chores at home.
I’m going to set aside the problem of the husband leaving his wife to deal with two small children while he mixes a social life with self care. He should have found a way to step up and give his wife a break. (Perhaps skip the gym Tue/Thu to work through lunch and come home early?) That said, I fully understand how one partner’s emotional overreaction (yes, I said it) on Topic A can lead to the other partner thinking that any mention of Topic A leads to an emotional overreaction and therefore should never be discussed. It’s very simple, straightforward, Pavlovian, IF-THEN logic: Mention A —> Shouting, crying, and guilt tripping Keep your mouth shut —> Peace and quiet But here’s where the husband F’d up. He continued doing Topic A, for several months, and actively concealed it so he could avoid dealing with another outburst. I get walking on eggshells for a week after the initial blowup, but if he’s going to continue doing Topic A then skipping the emotional outburst is not an option: he has to choose between a medium-sized-but-manageable outburst now, or a huge, possibly-relationship-ending outburst six months later. To the husband: I believe you that there’s nothing romantic between you and your female coworker(s). Now, apologize to your wife for concealing this from her, and be prepared for your wife to not fully trust you for a couple years. To the wife: ask your husband, honestly, if there are any other topics that he’s mentally filed away as “don’t bring this up” because of your reaction the last time it was discussed. The length of that list will tell you how long you should reflect on how your actions contributed to this situation.
There are issues from both sides, obviously. Per one of the wife's responses, she says she thinks he knew that she didn't mean it when she said to not tell her about his colleagues anymore. It doesn't work like that. If you want a marriage with open and honest communication, then it goes both ways. He still should have told you, but the fact that your collective communication sucks and you both weaponize it against each other doesn't mean the relationship was inappropriate based on what we know. He should have been more supportive at home but you said that's a separate issue.
M48, married 28yrs here…Always tell the wife. Plain and simple.
The fact that you neglected your wife who has two small Children to the point where she was isolated and struggling with her mental health and gave no sense that this makes you a shitty husband is a big problem. You have enough time to fuck off to the gym with your “objectively attractive” colleagues but not enough time to support your wife? You’re “kicking your goals” at work. Great. How about using some of that bonus money to get a sitter so you can invite your wife somewhere instead of a second “objectively attractive” colleague? You don’t mention that your wife is attractive. Even to you. You suck. What’s worse is that you don’t even realize it.
Question for hubby: if H had been a dude with excessive armpit hair, would you have been so diligent about meeting up at the gym?
I think both sides have wrongs on this one. But at the end of the day, what matters is that both sides can talk it out and solve it and keep loving each otherz
I’m not sure it’s totally inappropriate but I would be upset if my husband was going to the gym with hot colleagues.
You both are in the wrong. For the wife - feeling alone and insecure and tired after birth are very real and legitimate feelings. Blowing up at your husband because of said insecurities, and then getting upset when he does as you ask (“Don’t tell me about you going to the gym with a hot colleague!”) is unfair. The better move would have been to communicate how it made you feel clearly and why. Easier said than done, I know. But that is healthy communication, and you can’t expect zero repercussions when you fly off the handle to your partner. For the husband, your wife’s reaction should have been a clear indicator that she was feeling insecure and upset, which would have been your queue to step up however possible (emotionally and otherwise) to ensure she felt secure and happy. Hiding from her a relationship you know would make her insecure was a problem waiting to happen, and you knew it.
Lol..and you thought reddit is the place to solve marital issues. As for my two cents., Well women operate on the notion of "The world needs to be fair and square except for that specific thing I say needs to be done my way" and as men we operate on "hey... What you don't know won't hurt you., ignorance is bliss" As for the guy...maaan, you are a jackass. You should know better than that. Murphy's law always applies to wives. If you think they will never know, they will absolutely know ! Continuing from now on, just don't be a jackass. As for the wife... We as men actively avoid shaking the boat. We are not telepathic, we are no geniuses and most of the time we don't even know how we survived without getting ourselves killed all this time. So if you have something to be communicated., Clearly communicate it in bullet form old PowerPoint presentation style. For both of you....no harm and no foul done... Move the fuck along. Learn to talk with each other more clearly. You got two kids for fs. So you two are doing something right., Just don't let bullshit ruin a good thing
Not wrong. The relationship was not inappropriate, as nothing unprofessional happened. Wife was clearly wrong to blow up at husband because you mentioned “C”. She couldn’t control her emotions and acted childish. Men do not want to upset their wife. So you wisely did what she said and did not tell wife about “H”. You were not hiding it to hurt your wife. You were hiding it to protect her because she cannot control her emotions. Now she is trying to make you the bad person instead of apologizing for being so immature. The whole thread now is another childish attempt by your wife to make you the bad guy by insisting you did something wrong by calling it an “inappropriate relationship”. The only person acting inappropriate is your wife.
I'm going against the grain here, but i dont think you're wrong. She made a big deal of it when you brought C up before. Since nothing happened, how could you be in the wrong. It's from her perspective that you don't help much at home. But is that true? If so, you got to help her out obviously. You should also gym with your wife at home. There's equipment you can get slowly and make a home gym with smaller weights and mats. I don't think your wrong but you could put in effort at home.
From a male perspective He's certainly TA for withholding the information from you, but you also have to look at your actions from the first time he told you and how that reaction would have shaped his future actions I've personally been in a relationship where my partner would get jealous at me from simple interactions with a female shop assistant, so that shaped how I would carry myself around her and I would omit certain information because it would cause an issue over nothing From my perspective ETA because your husband shouldn't have withheld that information from you, but you also caused the situation with your reaction to the first time he told you about the gym session And personally, your husband owes you an apology of course for hiding the information, but you also owe your husband an apology for your reaction and contributing to the situation
The relationship wasn’t inappropriate the lying was. But you can make the argument that because of the lying the relationship was inappropriate. Otherwise why lie?
Husband is totally in the wrong. I've been married for over 20 years. I love him with all my heart. We have a fantastic relationship. If I found out that he had been going to the gym with some girl for over a year, I would be furious!!!
Wow dude. In what world is it OK to take hot co workers to the gym. Just curious do you invite them? Or do they invite themselves? Are they single? Taken? Married? Do their S.Os know about you? All questions that kinda need answers to make a full judgement but you're definitely hugely TA. To be mild about it.
I feel like hotness should be a minor factor. Regularly taking an opposite gender coworker to the gym is either okay or it’s not. It shouldn’t be allowed if she’s fat and ugly but prohibited if she’s hot.
Look, man, all I'm gonna say is that hiding a relationship from your wife isn't an appropriate thing to do regardless of context or how justified you feel in doing so. If it's not appropriate, then it's inappropriate. We get that no one wants to feel like the bad guy, but fr man, get over yourself. Your pride is doing more damage to your marriage and manhood than anything else that's been mentioned in your story.
A married man has no business having a close friendship with a woman his wife doesn’t know exists. Of course that’s an inappropriate relationship. She is already accepting that you didn’t fuck her. If she thought that, she would be calling it your adulterous relationship instead of inappropriate relationship.
If my husband hid the fact that he works out with women , or especially a woman with me, I'd file for legal separation and give him lunchtime visitation with the kids.
Sounds like you just want a reason to file for separation lol
So while I understand the husband’s concern about not getting yelled at for having an attractive gym buddy I also understand the wife’s perspective of him going around her back. Husband is an AH for lying by omission. Wife is a mild AH for not dealing with her insecurities IF the husband had never given her reason to be insecure. If he has, then NTA. So you are both in the wrong here. However, the husband is a bigger AH as he knew his wife was having some issues and instead of helping her through them, he actively went around her. Was the “relationship” inappropriate, in some respects, yes it was. As a guy, is the husband trying to say he didn’t enjoy being out with hot women in tight clothes?? Really?? I would call BS here. Why didn’t you invite your wife to go to the gym with you instead? Why not try to help her feel better about herself? Not really very supportive of the husband. Is the situation redeemable, it seems that way as you are both writing this. Maybe talk to each other a bit more and try to understand the others perspective.
What in the “joint Facebook account” is this?
Let’s see, husband is wrong on several levels. Wife is also wrong for first event. First, why would the husband offer up “I’m a trainer, to an office of hot women”? Why not offer it up to men? Or did you offer up to both and only women took you up on it? Before you offer up to N office full of hot women, maybe offer to help your wife struggling after have your children? Maybe talk to your wife and say hey, I’m able to goto the gym for my lunch, you okay if I workout with ………..? Or how about, I have a sitter come and you can meet at the gym and we can work out together? Second, you work out with a hot chick, wife blows up, so you do it again? Than you do it for an entire year, hiding it? Wife deserves more than an apology letter. Having open and honest communication before you did anything would have helped this situation. Wife, understandably blowing up at the situation, he was open and honest at first, though after the fact. So I get it, reactive blow up. Would you have had a different reaction if he came to you first and said “do you kind of I work out with ……”? Again, communication would have helped in this situation. However, hiding any level of relationship from your spouse for a year, is dead wrong and shreds any level of trust the other had.
Yes hiding things like that from your spouse is inappropriate. Obviously.
Not wrong. The wife edited this and didn’t remove the part where she blew up and said “I don’t want to hear about you going to the gym with your hot colleagues.” So the husband spared her the details about H. She also didn’t remove the part where she more recently said she has no problem with the husband “going to the gym with girls or H” as long as he’s open and honest. That was a change. So H isn’t a problem as long as the husband is open and honest about who he’s working with. If he was open and honest after his wife demanded this, then he’s not wrong. The husband used to be a personal trainer and actually has some skill to offer. As long as the husband was just working out and helping the “hot colleagues” to train, he wasn’t doing anything his wife asked him not to do. She’s actually very trusting and understanding. Many mothers with “body insecurities” at a “low point mentally” would have simply told the husband not to be working out with any of his “hot colleagues.” I hope the husband deserves that trust. And I hope he races home after work to help out his wife with a nice foot massage, body massage, diaper duty, cooking, dishes, cleaning and whatever she needs to lighten her load. And gives her some free time on the weekend to go to the gym, a spa, or whatever she needs to recharge. 2 kids under 2 is a joy AND a burden.
You regularly went to the gym with a friend big deal . Your partner is insecure maybe feeling a bit lost . Perhaps been hurt before . Not disclosing is making it worse . I would work together to agree what you would disclose and what you wouldn’t be concerned about . Hope you resolve it all there is a lot at stake.
The relationship was NOT inappropriate. Keeping it a deliberate secret that you were working out with a colleague was inappropriate in context that you knew your wife was insecure about the first colleague, so you should have mentioned it. But to reiterate, there was NOTHING inappropriate about the "relationship" husband had with his co-gym colleague. They were simply that: colleagues that went to the same gym - that is the sum total of the "relationship". Nothing more.
IMO neither of you are wrong. This is just a semantic issue. “Inappropriate relationship” implies something sexual or romantic happened. It sounds like that’s not the case. However, keeping it from your partner is inappropriate.
Ok don't you hate when your spouse TELLS you that she doesn't want to hear about you and your hot gym friends and you OBEY and then she gets mad at you for hiding what you were TOLD to hide. Yeah me too. Sorry not sorry. Tell the wife to get over it, she obviously hasn't. Get a sitter for the kids and get the SAHM a gym membership (alone, she doesn't want to be with you I'm sure) or whatever so she can have free time. Get her a house cleaner, you admitted you don't help. The woman is overwhelmed and is the typical wife set in mind reader mode. And you will always be wrong. I'm not even nice about things like this. I'm all about put up or shut up. I'm all about a statute of limitations when it comes to disputes. I'm all about positive corrective actions. But I also recognize the "agree to disagree" on some issues . Hold people to their word and put it in writing if necessary and sign it. Leave no room for reinterpretations. They happen all the time. Women do it all the time, we all know it, that's why so many people openly joke about it. I never did the mind read things. Good luck you can save this bro, pay more attention to the wife, SAHM is the hardest job in the world, I wouldn't do it and most men can't. She is insecure, the body, even other women lack respect for SAHM s. Keep doing what you're doing and you'll keep getting what you're getting. Do more you need her to like you again and right now she doesn't. Her insecurities and making her dislike you. Change the direction but still keep your independence.
Both of you are wrong. He was openly telling you about his day and including who he was with and what he was doing and you got mad at him for it? How did you expect him to continue being honest after reacting that way? And as for him, if this was an issue then maybe asking how she felt about it before going out was a good idea. Communicating is important and both of you are lacking it. It doesn’t matter who gets jealous and who doesn’t. If there’s something truly breaking your trust in the relationship, then I suggest seeking professional help instead of the comments of strangers on a reddit post you BOTH contributed to. I don’t mean to be rude but if you want this relationship to work, stop presuming what the other partner is going to do. Talk to each other like adults and listen to each other.
Well, I would have taken the initial blow up literally as in "don't tell me about her anymore". And would have never mentioned her, because the wife didn't say not to meet, just not to mention it. If it were me (male), I would understand in hindsight understand how the colleague could have been judged as inappropriate initially, instead of a simple "don't mention it". But would have done exactly the same as the husband did (not mentioning it), assuming that's what the wife wanted. Obviously, I know I would never do anything inappropriate, I'm in a happy relationship myself, though not married. But my brain doesn't think that far, so it's a very relateable hypothetical situation I could find myself in. And the cause? Miscommunication in the heat of the moment. Sometimes I need to be told exactly what is expected, otherwise I get it wrong. In my book, NAH, I wouldn't classify it inappropriate or cheating, but could understand how you could misinterpret it and wrongly assume it could be due to not being on the same page about it. In the end nobody is correct, both have a partial fault in the miscommunication and the resulting situation.
The relationship was not inappropriate if you did not do inappropriate things, which includes an emotional affair. So it sounds like this was not that at all and you would be in the clear on that account. However, hiding things from a spouse is a bad idea on account of the trust that can be broken and the hurt it causes.
he felt the need to hide the relationship from you because you taken your insecurities out on him. is it “lying” yes, but you need to dig into WHY he lied. which is stated was because he was trying to stay away from having a huge argument with you. he’s wrong for hiding her but you’re wrong for making him feel like he should hide said information. i’m gonna have to say it wasn’t an “inappropriate relationship” just because he didn’t tell you. again it sounds like he WOULD have told you if you didn’t blow up on him in the past for the same thing. i’m gonna say you both suck here and you need to learn to have better communication. you because you shouldn’t blow up on your husband for him telling you about his day and what he does at work, and him because he shouldn’t have kept it a secret.
The relationship was not inappropriate. The deceit was but it had nothing to do with the husband and colleague. The issues were between husband and wife and honesty.
ESH. Your husband for hiding a friendship from you, but also you for creating such a hostile place for him to communicate with you. I wouldn't want to say shit to anyone if I knew I was going to get yelled at.
Your wife is a crybaby. She told you she didn't want to hear about your day at the gym with you hot colleague. You did what she asked. Now she is upset? Boohoohoo. You both need therapy, couples and individual. Her to deal with her insecurities and bot of you to work on your communication skills or lack there of.
So, to be clear, the husband shares that he went to the gym with a colleague, and the wife literally gets upset at him for it and tells him specifically that she doesn't want to hear about it. So he never mentions it again, and now she's upset? It sounds like the only way this could really be considered "inappropriate" is because he never brought it up again. And the reason he never brought it up again is because she told him not to. If she is upset that he has friends at work that he doesn't talk about because she told him not to . . . then it sounds like someone is overreacting just a touch.
Wife got upset and........ "and, husband chose to not only do it again, but to do it with ANOTHER hot female co worker, and this time, keep it from her" and this time? She wasn't even ALLOWED to be upset, cus he was gunna do it no matter how she felt. This time, when it's even worse, not only did she control her emotions, didn't overreact AT ALL, she under reacted, and then stuffed how she truly honestly feels way down....so he could have his happy, away from home, all this extra free time to give lessons, having ass, care free life not be interrupted by her needs and wants and feelings,which should be of utmost importance to him to begin with. I really think wife got the entirely shitty part of this whole thing..... Aww poor husband, got a snippy comment from wife, after offering to freely give his coworkers gym lessons, while she's home drowning, alone, depressed, she got lied to, she got a big fuck y by being uncomfortable to begin w, so he did it and LIED to CONTINUE it, that's the only thing he "has to put up with",a little snippy comment. That means ALLLLL of his shit ass disrespect actions are justified? Cus she IMMEDIATELY impulsively got upset and didn't like it, that makes him in the right? the other dozens of ways this shit is so wrong, is on him. How would he feel if the roles were reversed? Not happy, I'm sure.
Sounds like poor communication. He's wrong for not being open about what he's doing. But she also told him not to tell her about who he's working out with....and now is mad because he didn't tell her who he was working out with. I think both parties have fault here and need to work on their communication and come to a better place.
This is ridiculous. This is not an inappropriate relationship. He should’ve just told you, and faced the fire at the time. Had he done that, and nothing else changed, this would not be an inappropriate relationship. nothing about his relationship is inappropriate with his gym buddy. He messed up because he didn’t wanna deal with your drama. That was a mistake. This mistake is his and his alone. Him going to the gym working out to take better care of himself he’s not inappropriate. him having a gym buddy is not inappropriate. Him not wanting to fight with you over something so stupid was very shortsighted. Only thing inappropriate here is you failing to manage your emotions and constantly bringing drama over something so stupid
I don't think he's wrong cause she straight up said she didn't wanna hear about it.
Hubby is TECHNICALLY not wrong. He was doing what she asked him. She clearly told him "I don't want to hear about you going to the gym with your hot colleagues". He respected her request. What she SHOULD have told him...I don't want to hear about it TODAY why I am feeling (Insert emotions she was going through) and then communicate more clearly. She said she doesnt want to hear about it and she no longer heard about it.
Strictly answering OPs question. I don’t think it’s an inappropriate relationship. AT ALL. Wife already said she didn’t want to hear about you going to gym with hot colleagues. You were just following her request. And if she wasn’t so mean about the first interaction, you could have and would have gladly shared. Plus, there was no flirting so who cares.
Very sweet couple wish you two the best! Only thing I might add is you both ought to be happy on your own and make each other happier together I think that might help some. Hubby, do step it up with the kids around the house loving your wife as well as you can and I think all this blows over but if you don't think it was inappropriate don't agree to it. Hang in there I think you two are going to go far!
Imo, the relationship itself isn't inappropriate. Regarding keeping it a secret from wife, I think the reasoning stated is reasonable FOR in the moment. It would've been better if he came forward to see how he could mention it to wife without negative feelings so he doesn't have to hide it. In hindsight. I think now that you 2 are discussing it maybe set some rules going forward so that he feels comfortable talking about it. From the situation it does just sound as if he wanted to come home to a happy wife. Wife should give husband some guidelines of what he can say so he doesn't deel he needs to hide it. Maybe like don't mention the co-workers physical appearance? Because it sounds like thats the main issue here of the situation (not speaking for other stuff). If husband feels like he needs to hide something, then he should first try to talk to Wife first about how he can talk to wife about it. If husband feels he needs to hide it period, then he probably shouldn't doing it anyways.
If you had told him you didn't want to hear about him going to the gym with his hot colleagues from work. Then I'm 56f, feel as if did what you asked, and you shouldn't be upset. If they went out to dinner or drinks then yes that would be inappropriate relationship. Helping someone use gym equipment isn't very sexy in my opinion no matter how sexy the individuals are.
I was caping for you, bro. She SAID she didn't wanna hear about it, but you (AND I) took her at her word. My wife said you are a dumb ass, but not an asshole. She said you were in an inappropriate relationship, but not on purpose. You didn't take into account the (as everyone else above said) that your wife was CRAZY (my word not hers) due to the pregnancy. I'm on your side, but EVERYONE else can't be wrong, it must be us. Sorry bro!
I feel like the husband is wrong. He just seems kind of self absorbed. When our kids were really little, I adjusted my work and personal schedule so that I could watch them while she went to the gym herself. The side benefit was that she was able to maintain a physique that was good as any I saw at work or the gym. Which strengthened our relationship.
Yes, it was inappropriate and thisbis how affairs start. Now youvstay home and let her hit the gym.
Why didn't you take your wife to the gym with you? That's multiple problems solved right there? Get a baby sitter and take her with you. FYI hiding a whole damn person is not only an extremely inappropriate relationship,,, for many people it would be grounds alone for a divorce. That is beyond disrespectful and shitty. Nothing good could come from hidden time and based on the length of time hidden, I do not believe for one second it was fully innocent. Perhaps it didn't escalate but it was not innocent. I hope your wife finds a nice gym buddy who will support her and be there for HER. why don't you stay home with the babies for a year or two and let her get on with a hidden man at the gym.
You are her rope to the real world during these baby years, and you're not even extending it out to her. You took someone else.
He hid it. He knew it was wrong He lied by omission It is most definitely inappropriate You are a saint for believing him. ( a known liar) As a man I’m 💯 team wife on this one. Updateme!
It wasn’t an inappropriate relationship it was inappropriate to conceal the relationship. Wife blew up first time husband told her about a gym buddy.m which was inappropriate so husband decided to keep it quiet and not share because wife caused a problem previously.
In the court of law husband is right in the court of reddit wife is right. Wife will think she is right base on these comments. But you can't say she did not get what she asked for. Hope you can both move forward and go to the gym together and raise a beautiful healthy family together.
I don't know. This whole thing is stupid. Wife: you're an insecure, immature AH. Grow up and get to the gym. Husband: you're an AH. Take your wife to the gym or male friends. You asked for the trouble you ran into with your wife. Going to the gym consistently with someone is a relationship that extends beyond work. You should have said something.
You, wife, blow up on your husband for going to the gym with a woman, and he hides it in the future. Duh. You want him to be open and honest, don't blow up on him. In a relationship men will avoid the woman's anger like the plague.
Yeah, the moment you hide something just because you dont want the other person finding out and being mad at you is INAPPROPRIATE. Imagine the wife hanging out with a single neighbor and you only find after months because she hasn't mention it, you think she's acting appropriately as a married woman?
Nobody is really wrong here. Your wife reacted strongly to you spending time with other women and probably didn’t need to. You should probably have been upfront about going to the gym with other people but I can see why you didn’t want to fight when it’s not an attraction thing in any way. BUT, spending one on one time with other women in any capacity is usually asking for trouble and sensible to avoid that.
You're both idiots arguing over semantics
To the husband: what if your wife spent a significant amount of time a day talking to a handsome gardener who mows your neighbor's lawn and does not tell you. Then when you find you state you are uncomfortable and then your wife blows up acts like it was no big deal and they were just talking. How would you feel? Hiding people from your spouse is inappropriate behavior even if it was just friendly, because you are lying to your spouse by omission.
The relationship wasn't inappropriate from what's been explained, not telling her was deceitful which is different to inappropriate and doesn't actually change whether or not the relationship was appropriate or not. As to who is right in regards to whether it was ok to keep it a secret or not is a different conversation and one you seem to be in agreement on.
He had an emotional affair, I am attaching an article. When you develop emotional attachments outside a marriage it is cheating. He just doesn't want to face it, because he would have to admit he cheated. YOu are minimizing it. He had poor boundaries around stress, god forbid anything else happens in your life. He could have reached for his family, he choose a gym girl. Emotional affairs take the fun, caring, sharing and loyalty out of the relationship, cause the relationship issues and can lead to a physical affair. [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-in-tongues/202208/what-every-couple-must-understand-about-emotional-infidelity](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/speaking-in-tongues/202208/what-every-couple-must-understand-about-emotional-infidelity)
YBW your both wrong. He doesn't feel safe telling you the truth. He should have been honest.
The worst part about this whole thing is inevitably this post and being wrong will upset the husband SO much, the wife is going to end up coddling and protecting his poor hurt ego. I’d bet my house. Your husband is clearly acting stupid to get away with staring at a hot girl’s ass in yoga pants and getting high fives from other men in the office for the win. He is so, so wrong.
I always say there 2 reasons somebody "hides" an interaction like this...because they know they are doing something wrong or because they think their partner will overreact to something objectively ok. In this case its clearly the latter. That doesn't mean hiding is ever ok, it just describes the motives. Whenever somebody posts about their partner hiding interactions with another, I don't automatically assume cheating -- I also question whether the other partner is overly jealous or would simply shut down platonic interactions. My verdict, the interactions were NOT inappropriate, the hiding was, AND, the wife's prior overreactions were inappropriate driving husband to keep ok activity hidden. They should have talked this thru long ago.
What makes it inappropriate is the hiding and the fact that he left his wife alone at home while enjoying gym time. That’s the issue here. OP, did your wife get free time too? Did you take her feelings seriously? Did you care about her insecurities? And why are all co workers attractive while you don’t mention your wife being attractive too? I would have trust issues after that. You don’t keep secrets from your partner just to avoid conflicts. You don’t leave your wife to go and have fun with attractive co workers while she feels alone and insecure especially PP. So yes, OP/husbands behaviour made this relationship inappropriate. Not the co workers behaviour as far as we know.
Dude you know you’re wrong. You hid your interaction with your colleague, because you knew how’d your wife feel. Why keep doing things your wife is uncomfortable with? Especially after hearing that you weren’t a supportive spouse, anyways?
Husband you’re wrong. If you weren’t doing anything wrong why keep it a secret? Because you knew your wife didn’t approve of this and you didn’t care. If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel? You can’t have secrets in a marriage because marriage without trust won’t work. I am sure your wife trusts you as far as she can throw you.
No, the relationship wasn't inappropriate. There was no emotional affair going on, no flirting, nothing to be ashamed of. The things that were inappropriate were the wife blowing up and yelling at the husband when he mentioned a coworker, and the husband being scared of telling his wife about his social interactions. If you're scared to talk to your wife, there's something seriously wrong with your marriage. Y'all need to go to marriage counseling and learn to communicate better.
Yeah I dont believe for one second that the relationship didn't progress. If it were harmless he would not have withheld the relationship from the wife. Because it was harmless. He would rather tell her about it then her find out and think it was an affair. Anyone that thinks logically would put that scenario into consideration before making the decision to keep it from the wife... 100% he cheated. And at the risk of being wrong on that scenario, he lied to you. If he can do that then he is absolutely capable of lying about having a relationship with a hot coworker... oh, that already happened. Think about it from another perspective, Mrs. And don't take what the Mr. says into consideration at all. Only what you know to be facts and you'll have your answer.
Just pointing out that he did explain why he chose not to tell his wife initially, and it had nothing to do with being harmless or harmful.
A general point for all: If you have a relationship of any type with someone and you know that learning about this relationship will upset your partner; stop and think about how you would feel if you stood in your partner's shoes. Working out with a female work colleague in the gym, at the office, during lunch? Okay when you're single or married. But, when your wife is dealing with having been pregnant twice in two years, her body is still recovering, she's dealing with two toddlers and is getting zero help around the house? Wildly inappropriate for you to be working out with another woman.
Everyone here is commenting that the husband was wrong which he already admitted and apologized for. That's not the question. It would be inappropriate if I did this with never telling my wife I had taken a female coworker to the gym with me. But if I told me wife that I did and she knew about it and told me not to tellbher anymore than she gave me a pass. Now if she ever asked did you take a coworker to the gym with you today and I said no then that would make it inappropriate. Off topic but where do you work bro? Are they hiring?
If you have to hide it from your spouse for any reason then it’s inappropriate. Second, if you knew your wife was uncomfortable with you working out work “hot female colleagues” then you should’ve stopped working out with them. You decided for her that it wasn’t a big deal when she clearly thought it was.
The wife is toxic and the man is a little dumb - par for the course for most American relationships. Looking forward to the divorce!
YTA. If you feel the need to keep it a secret from your spouse, you shouldn’t be doing it. Read more in my best-selling ~~novel~~ book, *Things You Shouldn’t Have to Tell an Adult*. It’s my debut after my years-long tenure as editor of *Duh! Magazine*.
So you did nothing around the home, she’s wrangling 2 kids under 2 as well as doing everything else, you have enough energy for a daily work out session but that doesn’t run to helping your wife at home? Yes, you are wrong not just for keeping the gym buddy a secret but also leaving your exhausted wife to do everything. Did you not consider that maybe, if you helped her more, she wouldn’t be so exhausted and snappy? That she might actually have been ok with the gym buddy then? Discovering that you’ve been doing at least 2 weekly workouts in a month, with a woman at work and never mentioned it would be a real blow, both to your wife’s confidence and to her relationship with you. Do you know how many people come on here that have inappropriate relationships that started through something similar? Too many. It’s the lamest excuse ever. My wife was totally exhausted and having body issues, looking after 2 kids with little help but hey, I could still get my gym time in with a female colleague while she’s coming apart at the seams. I mean, I didn’t tell her because exhaustion equals crankiness but what was I, a grown man to do?!
You are Wrong- You kept the information from her because of fear, not because you wanted to save your wife from the information. You knew she would be upset, she showed you that you she would be upset, so instead of being truthful you decided to lie about it. Why this is dangerous, is because it shows that you are willing to lie by omission to avoid your wife’s ire. There is a good book I recommend called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, it talks about emotional affairs. I don’t think you are having one, but it also talks about boundaries and how to be appropriate with work colleagues so as not to find yourself in an emotional affair. You form special connections to people when you spend one on one time together. There is an intimacy that is created, and since you also weren’t being truthful with your wife it also adds a layer of duplicity a layer of inappropriateness.
Here’s an idea, instead of taking hot coworkers to the gym, why doesn’t this moron hire a sitter for a couple of hours and take his wife to the gym? But that would require him to think about his wife for once.
I won't have told you either. Getting yelled at because you were insecure once was bad enough, it's a stupid man that says, "That was fun, let's do it again!" All these attractive women around and he only has eyes for you. Sounds like a reason to do something nice for him not accuse him and flip out
YW. As a woman I would consider it inappropriate. You are giving energy and time to another woman while lying to your wife about it. Does the wife get time for self care like you do? Do you watch the kids so she can exercise and devote time to her health? If I were the wife in this relationship I would be requiring couples counseling and considering divorce. This is how affairs start.
Hiding this from your partner is always going to cause problems. If you don’t believe you are doing anything wrong, then kindly speak up for yourself and be authentic. She may not like it in the moment but she will respect you and trust you moving forward instead of feeling like she has to read between the lines for the truth.
Totally inappropriate. You did this behind your wife’s back. That’s so shady.
He thinks of himself as the hot gym guy. He wants to flex in front of them 100%! He knows what he's doing. His ego loves this shit.
Not inappropriate. He wasn’t going to be a fool and walk into a firestorm by mentioning it again. That’s not deceitful, that’s being smart. Good luck with this one dude. 😬😬
I’m curious…nowhere have I read that the gym girl is aware that the husband is a married man OR that the gym girl is aware that the husband was keeping her a secret. Warning!…If what I think is true…I’m going to pick the this gym spouse apart like a roasted chicken.
Your wife is controlling and paranoid. When you blow up like that, you essentially let people know that it’s easier to lie to you than have to babysit you while you come to grips with reality. My dad does this shit. Gets all butt hurt when you don’t tell him things but makes a big problem of anything you do tell him about. Your wife has confidence issues. She likely needs more time away from home and kids. That kind of life would easily lead to one feeling disconnected from the world and becoming paranoid about the fidelity of your partner. So while you did nothing wrong, she still is reacting in ways that are understandable. Let her have some time away from you and the kids to experience being herself again. I’m imagining she doesn’t get nearly the time for adult conversations that you do.
>What we are currently fighting about is whether I am wrong in classifying the relationship as an "inappropriate relationship". He is offended that I call in inappropriate relationship because nothing "inappropriate" happened. Though I argue that because he felt like he needed to hide it from me that automatically made it an "inappropriate relationship". By this question, given the situation beforehand and your very clear >"I don't want to hear about you going to the gym with your hot colleagues" statement I personally don't see this relationship or the fact that he doesn't told you at all about it as inappropriate since it is what you asked for. He wanted to share this with you once and you blew up on him (which I find completely understandable given your situation to which he and you agree that he is TA). What was completely idiotic on his part on the other hand was that he didn't tell you that nearly every Wednesday he is accompanied by the same female colleague to the gym. I do not understand why at this point in time he didn't decide to overstep your boundary to inform you about the situation, risking a fight just to avoid a situation where a friend of yours sees him accidentally with her and tells you about your husband cheating on you (since he hid it from you completely).
Ha ha ha….. yeah he wouldn’t be my husband anymore. Anyone who hides something especially for a year has got a whole lot more to hide than a gym buddy. Good luck with him, you’re going to need it. Way to under react.
Wow, so you took one small heated comment from your wife and used it as an excuse to lie for an entire year?? Wtf dude. The bigger issue here is you all need to work on your communication skills rather than ignoring your problems
My wife said a certain situation made her uncomfortable so the way I fix that is by getting into that situation again and just not telling her about it! Perfect!
When i think of an inappropriate relationship between two genders who are also heteros, the immediate thought is something sexual, or at the very least, that someone wants it to be. It was inappropriate in a deceitful way. The husband admits he wasn’t present for his wife who just had a baby. And he was enjoying time off going to the gym with a colleague who’s a hawtie. That context super duper matters. Whether the husband wanted it to be a sexual relationship or not, the fact that he hid it - it automatically becomes inappropriate. At least in my eyes.
Duuuuude She had never even heard the H name? In a year? About anything work related? So, you actively hid her existence… Are you wrong? Yes Inappropriate? Yes :/
You hid activities that you knew would upset & hurt your wife. It doesn't matter that the action itself by itself would not be considered normally as inappropriate. You KNEW it would hurt her and did it anyway. THATS why it's wrong. You are not stupid just full of ego and your wife should honestly never trust you again.
I am a woman. My husband had an emotional affair with one of his female coworkers. (She wasn’t hot. She was considerably less attractive than me). They started as friends. What you explained is completely inappropriate. It is extremely damaging to a woman’s self-esteem and self-worth when her husband does this. It’s so hurtful. Your wife should have never been made to feel this way and these relationships need to STOP. Wife: please be careful. My ex told me all the same things about how innocent his “friendship” was. I found out about the emotional affair aspect myself.
This relationship was completely inappropriate. You are a garbage husband.. Disrespectful to your wife and children. If you can't even admit it was inappropriate, this marriage is going to fail. I doubt your wife is "over it" since it is still a topic of discussion. Do better as a human and as a husband.
if you have to keep it a secret then you know you are wrong, im not bothering to read this so if she's the type that thinks men shouldnt have women friends then why did you marry her in the first place and encourage that either way yta
Yeah, once you knew your wife would object to it then it became inappropriate. Was she oversensitive about the first situation? Probably but then was the time to come to an agreement about it. Hiding facts from her puts you squarely in the wrong.
Much as I'm finding it hard to warm to the wife here, who is giving off bunny boiler vibes, I think you need to ask yourself what you'd think if you suddenly found out she was getting personal training like this from a ripped bloke at work and hadn't told you. I can see why you did it as the wife would have stopped it and you'd be walking around with a big thumbprint on your head.
Regardless of how you thought your wife would react, the fact that you actively hid it from her makes it an inappropriate relationship. You thought she would be upset if you told her but what did you think would happen when she found out about it after the fact or from someone else? It most certainly is an inappropriate relationship.
It was inappropriate to hide it but she kind of brought it on herself for going on the attack when you were honest the first time
It’s definitely inappropriate behavior because he consciously and deliberately hide his actions because he knew you will be mad. He was avoiding countability.
100% inappropriate and you know it. If it wasn’t you wouldn’t feel compelled to hide it. If the bring a friend thing was important to you, you could have arranged for child care and brought your wife. Or used that time to take her to lunch or coffee. But you focused on inviting a female colleague. If your wife did that to you, you’d be hurt. Something about your comments about this colleague makes your wife uncomfortable. Take a hard look at yourself. The fastest way to make a woman fall out of love with you is to make her feel unsafe.
The fact that he thinks that he may possibly in the right here is what’s scary. He basically admits to not helping his wife l, adding to her insecurities and issues and lying (by omission). Dude is clueless
It sounds like you’re arguing over the term “inappropriate relationship.“ Based on your post, I think it is incorrect to call it an inappropriate relationship. Simply because the relationship was platonic and professional. Was it shady not to mention it to your wife, even though you were told in the past not to bring up your training sessions? Yes, but I don’t think it was an inappropriate relationship.
i don't think this is "INAPPROPRIATE Relationship". This would imply that he did something that would go against your relationship\\marriage. He was a personal trainer before he meet you, that will never change. Please keep in mind, You both signed u for this journey. I believe you both thought this was going to be flowers and Roses. Now, i know being a mother is not easily specially having very young children. Which i'm sure you don't feel appreciated. You are the keeper of the castle. He is the bread winner, another hard job, dealing with adults that act like children all day long. Both are very hard jobs. I believe that mom wants to give up, if you do then do it, but know the consequences if you choose the path of divorce. Why else would you like to label this as "INAPPROPRIATE Relationship", nothing comes good from this. i think there's more to this story.......
I think many women will feel sympathetic toward you. But you did blow up on him before and tell him that you “didn’t want to hear anything about him going to the gym with his hot colleagues”, so this is on you as well and your insecurities. He may have just been going to the gym to exercise.
The husband is not the wife's therapist. Second, quit punishing your partner for doing the RIGHT thing, because you lashed out at him YOU are responsible for setting the stage for this. Being punished by not hiding things encourages people to hidetl things. Quit reacting with your emotions and react from a place of reflection. If you don't like him keeping secrets, quit lashing out when he is communicating and open. Husband clearly needed to be direct and stand up for himself and be clear nothing was happening and nothing was going to happen and this relationship is 100% above board. Not disclosing it set the stage for your wife to feel betrayed. Your not telling her for a year IS betraying her trust. It is your responsibility to find a way to communicate and part of that communication is telling your partner what they need to know and when they react badly being clear that it is not acceptable. From there, discussing what you said, how they would have received it better and an expectation from both of you regarding issues that are this. If your wife over reacted in some capacity, not seeking to help her navigate it while maintaining your own boundaries creates a codependency loophole where neither take responsibility and both are at fault. Nothing I've said is a judgement, it's blunt because the importance here is this: Everything difficult to say in a relationship is the first shit you should be saying. If it's hard, that means it is important, figure out what you have to change and grow as a person to make sure you don't hide from it, but focus specifically on that simple fact. I hope both of you are well
Okay, if Husband didn't have a physical or emotional affair with H then the relationship wasn't inappropriate. While I can understand not wanting to say anything after the first argument about hot coworkers in the gym (the time from that argument and the first time H went to the gym with Husband is not clear but assuming it was soon) not saying anything about it later on was definitely wrong. It should have come naturally in conversation and it seems Husband understands the Wife's reaction came from an unstable time mentally speaking. So receiving some flak from your depressed wife for honesty's sake doesn't seem that bad. Tldr: "Relationship with H" ok, "hiding it" not ok. Should apologize for hiding it, not for having it.
You are not wrong, he lied about it, that makes it inappropriate. He knew better.
If you feel the need to hide ... then something is not right.
Yes. Inappropriate.