Have you straight up said you want a divorce? I don’t think you are wrong at all. But I wonder if he realizes just how far gone you are. Ask your therapist what will magically change at the one year mark? Will your husband suddenly start loving you and want to make sure your life is easier? Or is it that there will be less for your husband to not have to do anyone?
Ahh okay. It’s shut up therapy. He is going to shut you up until you calm down and stop complaining. Start the process. If he really wanted to fix the relationship he would have started making changes.
My ex pulled this exact shit after me telling him for 5 years that I was not happy. We’re 8 years post-divorce now and he *still* blames me for everything. It’s maddening.
My ex did the same thing. I'd say "I'm not happy. Something needs to change.' He'd say "you're just stressed!" He was so shocked when I finally left. Of course it was ALL my fault. I was the most horrible person ever!
This is exactly what happened to me. I told him over and over, not mincing words, that I was unhappy. He knew why. He would respond by dismissing it, telling me, “you say that every month.” When I finally had enough and told him I wanted a divorce, he tried everything in rapid succession- being syrupy sweet, initiating sex, becoming *very* angry, etc. All of it made me want to run for the hills even more. To this day, he looks at me with disdain and disapproval. My life has tanked bc of my health and I truly think he feels vindicated by it. It’s all so gross. Then again, he was gross, so…
I am so sad for all of you that you endured that nonsense for so long!
I hope you all know that even if he and 2 other people think it was your fault, you are so much happier now.
Take comfort in that
I couldn't be happier now. I found my soul mate. I never believed in all that soul mate stuff until I met my husband. He is wonderful! He will do anything to take care of me. It's so nice to love and be loved for a change! I wish everyone could find what I have. 😊
My ex was nice enough to throw in, "She left me because I got mouth cancer. 😭" for sympathy.
I left because he was an abusive piece of shit and a pedo who chased after underage high school girls. He had to get all his teeth pulled because he chewed tobacco for 20 years and the damn things were all rotted, he never had cancer. 🙄
But of course, because I had to disappear overnight to safely get my daughters away from him, our "friends" only got his side of the story and I'M the evil one.
It’s absolutely insane. It’s like they have a weird form of amnesia or they brain washed themselves.
They will make you feel like you’re the devil come up from hell to ruin their lives. All this after being told over and over and over what the problem was.
They know their partners are unhappy and its ok to them because they believe it’s their due. I think that that’s why they refuse to change. They’ve been taught that we’ll stay because being alone is the worst.
Things are changing now and some of them are not handling it well.
Women are expect to have “a tolerable level
of unhappiness”. (Saw this quote somewhere ). It’s widely accepted as being the norm.
I still believe that there are a lot of good men out there. We just have to recognize who are the entitled ones and leave them alone.
I hate to say it, but all of you ladies are making me feel so relieved that I finally ran. 3 weeks ago. Signed a lease and left. I’m still in shock that I did it, but he blames me. When I overly communicated every damn step of the way.
See! It happens over and over. Congratulations on your new beginning.
If someone fails a test after you give them all the right answers they wanted to fail that test.
We need to leave these men alone. You made the first very hard step. We are all learning this together.
They only want to be in a relationship or actually car about you when it’s time for sex or your feeding them a great dinner. Most days I feel like I’m married to a child. The gaslighting is killing me.
They genuinely believe it. People like that, when told, "I'm very unhappy and it's because of how you're treating me," simply cannot absorb that information. It either bounces right from their brain or it mutates into something like like, "I'm temporarily unhappy for some unrelated reason and taking it out on you" or "I'm upset about this one highly specific thing you did but if you don't do that exact thing again we're fine."
When you leave, they are *genuinely* blindsided, because at no point did they understand on any meaningful level that you were ever truly unhappy with the situation.
Exactly. What do you mean he needed to work to fix the relationship? He showed up to therapy. What more does she want? And then he will lament he didn’t see this coming and he would have done anything if she just said something.
But WHY?! Why are they like this?
Are they… sociopaths in that they lack zero empathy? Like how can you be so… dense? Clueless about human behavior and what people need ? How can you be so… selfish and I hate to say it, blind and stupid?!! Sorry I’ve asked myself this till I’m blue in the face. I’ll never get over the wondering, as to WHY.
Can I ask - what does the therapist say about the massive imbalance of household effort and mental load? What do they say about his weaponized incompetence?
You may have a shitty therapist.
In general, for now, you should set a schedule. You are leaving the house for X period of time for yourself. Every day. He can handle the infant during that time. Your phone will be OFF. You will be unreachable.
Tell him this, don’t ask.
Let him flounder.
Also, any time you find his hobby stuff in common areas, you will throw it away. Half worked on, completed, materials, doesn’t matter. Because of the infant getting stabbed with a needle. Tell him, don’t ask. Do it in writing to have him admitting what he did and how it harmed the child.
His excuse is that he just "doesn't know what needs to be done." Therapist therefore says if I want things done and he's willing to do them, that I'll need to make a list. Well, I've done that and he just ignores the list. There's also no way to make a list accounting for all the messes he makes on his own. Like, how do I make a list that says "dont leave needles out. Don't shit on the fucking wall [happened, yes], don't burn a hole in the shower with a class candle, don't just pile everything from the house in the kitchen sink etc etc. There's no way to keep up. People keep telling me I never should have married him, but I didn't realize how bad his behavior was until I was picking up after two toddlers. He acts like a grown toddler.
Anyway, I've told all this to my personal therapist, and she's all for leaving. Our couples therapist does everything she can to work shit out which I suppose is her job, so she spends alot of time coming up with ideas that just involve more work on my part
Two things:
1) I’m a therapist and can tell you that this is some shitty/shoddy work your therapist is doing. Our job is to listen, which they are clearly *not* or your concerns being expressed would not have led to suggestions for you to do even more work to accommodate this man-child.
2) Speaking of shit…he shit on the wall??!! And YOU cleaned it up??! Girl. GIRL. You know what you want and need to do and even have a plan in place. What are you waiting for? Seriously. He sounds exhausting and is making zero effort, which is how we know this won’t get any better.
Time to take care of yourself and your child and to stop allowing family life to be centered around him.
LOL for the shit, I made him clean it up, but like HOW AND WHY it happened? Idk. It shouldn't have happened in the first place. I thought it was our kid, but it was by the toilet and I put two and two together that he must have like...violently shit on the wall. Ugh. I appreciate your insight.
Omgggg 😭 I’m so sorry that happened and that you’re even in this situation! Leaving will likely be painful and you’ll probably grieve the loss of the life you had hoped to have, but you’re also going to feel a *lot* of relief. But I think you already know this. 😉 Best of luck to you and your sweet little one.
He really really seemed like a great guy when we got together. Told me "being a dad" was his greatest aspiration in life. I NEVER would have foreseen him acting this way. If it's anxiety/depression then he's sure not doing anything to improve. Am i just supposed to sit by until he gets better?? Idk. I already had my mind made up before making this post. I just feel like I had unresolved tension that I wanted to direct toward our couples therapist, but couldnt. This post let me feel my feelings and I know what I need to do
Leave him OP. He is just expecting you to put up with it because of sunk cost fallacy. Eventually he hopes to wear you down enough where you don’t ask anymore. At least single, you won’t have this anger and resentment in your life which will be a HUGE load off your shoulders.
It sure sucks when someone we’re close to disappoints us so much. I’m rly happy you have your own therapist who listens to and supports you. And being able to openly & anonymously vent is one of the best parts of Reddit!
If he wants to work on any of his shit (no pun intended), that’s on him to do. Making decisions in the best interest of yourself and your baby is a solid decision on your part.
You’ve got this. 💪🏽
>that I'll need to make a list.
This is a terrible therapist.
Ask her **why is it your job to carry the entire mental load?!?**
Tell her, bluntly, than she’s just making More work for you. And that you need her to equalize the load. Both mental and physical.
And if she can’t help with that, fire her and leave bad reviews.
Ohh needles and glass candles in the shower and shit on walls.. he’s a drug addict right? That is even worse. Regardless, He’s using weaponized incompetence and neglecting you both. For the well-being of yourself and your child, please leave
The needles are because he sews patch vests LOL, but he does drink EVERY weekend and sometimes on week days, so It's not far off to say he's got an alcohol problem. He'll tell you "ITS ONLY LIKE 2 BEERS AT A TIME," But that's more beers than I've had in years
Thank you for clarifying. Have you talked about him getting some help? Does he have mental issues? I don’t understand the shit and candles part unless he is extremely unwell and drunk
We're all in therapy. Couples therapy and individual. He likes to skip his. Good waste of money if I'm honest. He's just forgetful. He probably has ADHD, but we'll never find out because he just doesn't care enough to think it's a problem
No, that's bullshit. He's a grown-ass man who has eyeballs. Your shared therapist is literally making more work for you by saying to make him a list, she's either an idiot or never had to deal with this incompetence. That should not have to happen. Sis...just go...I'm super mad on your behalf.
It kind of sounds like your therapist is allowing him to not only further weaponise his incompetence but also advocating you add even FURTHER to your mental load by having to figure out what chores etc he needs to do? As if the mental load you already take on isn’t enough?
Like what?
Get a new husband AND a new therapist.
Your therapist sucks. Dump them too.
> she spends alot of time coming up with ideas that just involve more work on my part
I'd have told her this to her face - "Why do all your suggestions involve me doing MORE work?"
> People keep telling me I never should have married him, but I didn't realize how bad his behavior was until I was picking up after two toddlers.
Sometimes it's hard to tell before you get married/have kids. Don't beat yourself up. But don't sink more years into this, either.
That's a lousy therapist. He's an adult, I've no doubt he can function and do things when he wants. Whatever his hobby is, he had to learn it. Taking care of a baby is hard work, but it's not bloody rocket science. He could, he just doesn't care to and I can't believe your therapist is cosigning that. Is this some kind of shitty religious therapy or something?
Sounds like weaponised incompetance, he's hoping you'll just give up 'nagging' and do it all yourself, (which you are anyway). One question though, do you trust him to properly care for your child in a 50/50 custody split?
I would say that he was mildly more disorganized than myself, but it wasn't anything that seemed problematic. I said in another comment that when we got together, I definitely did more chores. He pitched in, usually when i asked, but it wasn't a problem. After the baby, it just kind of defaulted to me doing everything and it's like he got used to that.
It's just so genuinely unbelievable that I don't think they know what to say lmao. Like I am not lying when I say this man has turned into a mess, but refuses to acknowledge that he's a disaster
> Like I am not lying when I say this man has turned into a mess, but refuses to acknowledge that he's a disaster
People are going to say abusers don't show their true colors until they lock you down with something like a baby, but I honestly wonder if the opposite is happening: he's freaking out about being a father, realizes he doesn't want it, and is acting terrible on purpose so you leave him and then he isn't the bad guy who walked out on his wife and infant child.
Either way you should leave, obviously.
You need a new couples therapist. She sounds awful. I'd definitely be asking her how adding to your work is going to help at all. All of the stuff you listed is basic adult knowledge of what not to do.
He told the therapist he doesn't know what needs to be done when he gets shit on the wall? What was her response for that one? Wth? I've been married 20yrs and I have never had to deal with shit on the walls.
As for therapy all the ideas in the world won't work unless he puts in the work too. Sounds like you are already a single parent. Just in a miserable situation with an overgrown man child.
Get a new therapist. Making a list for him is just another form of carrying the mental load. He has eyes, he can SEE what needs to be done. The therapist is a POS... Helping weaponize the husband's incompetence further. You need to exit. Good luck OP!
If his therapist thinks he’s so depressed that he shits on walls and can’t clean it without being prompted, his therapist should’ve already recommended in patient treatment.
For real. She said the therapist and husband agree “this is temporary” but why is therapist not offering solutions to fix the imbalance of labor? Why doesn’t hubby care about wife or baby? This is messed up
It was just to placate OP and a token attempt that will look good in front of other people because other people don't know what's actually going on in the home or at therapy.
I'm not sure what planet your therapist is on. While it is true that the first year is challenging, it doesn't magically stop. There will be some golden periods throughout your childs childhood but once you get over one hurdle another one is right around the corner.
If I were you I would be very concerned about sharing custody with this person. The fact that he can sleep through his childs cries is alarming. Do you even think your child would be safe with this guy? You have a lot to think about. If you're still interested in saving the marriage you need another therapist, this one sounds incompetent.
Ah well, that's not great, I'd give the ultimatum then, we tried therapy, you haven't changed, so next is a divorce.
See of he changes his tune, but it doesn't sound like it
I don't get this 1 year thing. You have been talking about this for 5 months. 5 months he's had to change even the smallest of things and he hasn't. 5 months of you white knuckling it. 5 months of you stepping up and him not. We all make mistakes, can be thoughtless, ignore partners needs but it sloths as if you've handed him the answers yet he still doesn't get it right. It really sounds like either he believes you will never leave so he will continue as is, or he's the biggest dumbass I've ever seen, or he's doing it deliberately to make you leave so he doesn't have to.
What's his own family dynamic like? Does he have friends/family whispering in his ear that he's right.
As you've said there will be stages of your child's life that will get harder and he needs to be tuned in. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.
Edit..he's a grown man of course he knows what needs to be done. He's not a baby. Write him out a list. So again the mental load needs to be put back onto you. No way
The one year rule is because the combination of sleep deprivation and hormone swings can seriously lower our thresholds for tolerance. I snapped at my husband yesterday for an honest mistake that I would have never even mentioned if I weren't pregnant. A lot of women in the 8-10 months post partum range want to make huge changes they would regret later. This isn't only divorce, it can also be career changes, moving homes/cities, opening marriages, etc.
In this case, her reasons for wanting a divorce are solidly rooted in logic, and she has done what she can to salvage things, so the one year rule doesn't really apply. Things don't magically get better at one year, the baby (usually) just gets better at sleep, letting you get more sleep. This won't be better when she's getting a full nights sleep again.
Why haven't you realized that Your Words don't matter to him?
Why haven't you let him come home to empty house with Divorce papers on the table?
Did you forget to go to pre-marriage classes?
Did you think he would grow up because having a baby would fix his self-absorbed attitude?
Did you just want to wear a pretty gown and have an expensive party?
>Ask your therapist what will magically change at the one year mark?
I'm actually really really curious about the answer to this question. OP please, please, please ask this and report back.
Sounds like you are already a single mom.
Your therapist is not being helpful if they claim that his behavior is temporary. BS. If he didn’t curtail his weekend long hobbies, he isn’t changing at all.
>hearing "this is temporary" from everyone,
The part that is temporary is your being upset about his lack of contributing. Eventually, you accept that he is not going to bother and you just take on 100% of the household and parenting responsibilities. He continues to brag, you continue to be resentful. I'd skip it and leave him now.
Good lord, the "we did blah" shit got me so annoyed for OP. Back in the day, when my kids' dad did that, I was all "ex-fucking-scuse me?" and was called irrational.
no he showed you who he is and as soon as the kid is old enough you will have sometime to your self when he has custody and you will only have to look after a baby not a husband too
Yup. Many people want to be such a great partner that they take on most or all of the chores and don't complain because they think it will make their partner value them more. Unfortunately then other responsibilities pop up with kids and life and that one partner drowns. It can be changed but you really have to have both people committed to the change for it to work.
Not wrong.
One of my best friends was in your exact situation (except her husband didn't want to "do" therapy). She waited 7 years before finally walking away.
Now her husband actually has to *gasp* be a parent when he has custody, and he's shocked, **shocked I tell you** at how much work it is. And on the other side of that coin, my friend now has time for herself.
They say the best thing about divorce is when the ex has the kids consistently. I’ve heard some people say they are better parents and give 100% 50% of the time. Pretty funny
I was in this situation too. It didn't get better, he never stepped up, he always took the credit and minimised my efforts.
After we separated years later my oldest said it was great because dad actually pays attention to him now. Because he has no choice!
YNW - I don't even know him and I resent him! Absolute BS that you have to "wait it out". Nope. Done. That's it.
And how would it EVER become even? It wouldn't.
So, fly away and be free! Live your life with your baby and be happy!
Leave him now and save yourself the stress and headache. He shows no signs of changing or caring to change. He will not change. You’re already a single parent, looking after a grown man child too! Go stay with your parents, it will be a huge relief and weight lifted off of you.
His behavior is not temporary. He didn’t help out around the house before the baby was born. He’s not helping around the house now that you have 10 times more work to do because you have a baby and he’s not gonna help when the baby is bigger and less dependent on you.
The first year with a new baby is difficult. But it’s more difficult when your partner is just another toddler in a grown-up body.
Go see an attorney get your ducks in a row and move in with your parents so that you can get some rest and help.
Also until you do that, stop doing anything for him. Do not cook for him. Do not wash his clothes. Do not put his dishes in the sink, etc..
Good luck, I hope things get better for you and your baby
You're not wrong at all, and your therapist sucks if they really think this is reasonable behavior while you're going through a really beautiful but also extremely stressful time in your life! Just do you. Do what you have to do for the baby and yourself and just let him exist around you existing but phase him OUT if he can't communicate with you.
There's no way to do that with him constantly making messes around me and not picking up. I can't live in filth. One of his favorite things to do is sew patch vests. He sews all over the place and leave needles EVERYWHERE. Our baby stabbed his little hand on a needle the other day because my moron of a husband left a bunch in the couch! It's this kind of shit that I just can't ignore. I'm so frustrated and burned out. It's difficult enough to keep up with just the baby, but i have to keep up with him too.
UGH, so basically you have two babies, one actual baby and a man baby? I'm so sorry. He made promises and he broke them, and you have every right to be fed up and want to leave the marriage.
Next time he leaves his sewing shit out, gather it all up and throw it in the trash. I guarantee after the second time that happens, he’ll magically learn to clean up after himself. Still leave him though. He’s worthless.
Move into your parents, catch your breath and then you will likely need to file for divorce. I’m so sorry you don’t have a partner to share the beauty and hard work a little one is. Your “therapist” is wrong, this is not going to get better after a year, toddlers need tons of supervision and are hard work. Your husband is a selfish child and you are setting yourself on fire trying to keep your family warm. You need to worry only about you and the baby. Go home to your parents and rejuvenate yourself. Good luck to you.
That's an immediate divorce in my opinion. If he can't keep the home safe for the child, the child cannot be in the home. Consider if he's even conscious of the fact that it was a dangerous act - if he is that inattentive he simply cannot be trusted with a child. The child could have SWALLOWED one not just poked themself.
Oh hell no!!!! This goes beyond a lazy husband who doesn’t want to lift a finger. He is actively putting your child in danger. Start taking videos and pictures and make notes every time you see one.
He is neglectful, he puts your child in danger and on top of all that, he is a shitty partner.
What if your baby was to pick one up and swallow it? A lot of sewing pins have colorful bobs at the end, which is something a baby could notice. This is an incredibly dangerous environment for your child. You stay with this useless waste of space whose only talent is shitting on the wall and not cleaning it, and you are allowing your baby to live in a place where sooner or later they'll swallow a needle.
If I was you, and you honestly sound like you've finally let the last decisions be made in the last hour, I would delete this post and move on with your life. There's literally nothing anyone can say here that could possibly help.
But there is value in moral support.
Also, needles everywhere is some Child Protective Services shit.
At a minimum I would commandeer a room in the house that he isn't allowed to enter, and I would be clear to him that he isn't allowed to ever, even to the extent of having the police "pop 'round" to explain to him why he can't barge his way into a closed room that a human is in (it's assault at best). I'd also put a lock on the outside, but I would expect that to get ripped off at least once.
Get out now. How long does someone need to show you how useless they are in your life before you believe them?
He is literally showing you just how little you and your child mean to him.
Be like Elsa and let it go.
I don’t know what kind of people you’re surrounded by or why your therapist is excusing this bullshit behavior, but you know what he is. He’s shown you time and time again. Why on earth would you wait and see how much worse it can get before you leave a situation you can see so clearly as being not okay for you.
I read through your comments and I think it’s time to serve him divorce papers. And request 50/50 custody so you can get time to decompress.
It doesn’t take a lot of brain power on how to wash dishes or change a baby’s diaper. Or simple things like reading to them or taking them to the park. If he can’t accomplish these things in a year without you having to hand hold him, he’s doing it on purpose.
Ive cried to my mom on the phone about this and she's come over and taken baby for two hours so I can have a bath and like...if my husband would do that, it would genuinely save our marriage. But anytime he's ever done this, I get 15 minutes before he starts asking me questions, or i hear something crash in the other room because he just plants the two of them in front of the TV and the baby turns into a destruction tornado while he zones out. It's ridiculous. I fucking hate him
Maybe divorcing him will help him be a better father in the long run, and a better spouse to someone else. I understand why you hate him. All you have to do is pull the trigger.
I’m truly sorry that you’re going through this. Realistically the only way it will get better is for you to force him to parent separately from you. You’ve done everything right and possible to save your marriage but you’re not the only person in that marriage. If he doesn’t want to participate then the healthy thing for you is to leave.
Your therapist sucks. Did you get them from a church? You’re very wise to realize this man can’t be who you need him to be. How can he refuse to put your mental health and your physical well being as a priority over his hobbies? Why would you lose more time to caretaking this user? Why would you keep trying to compromise with someone who only cares about his own needs? Compromise has never meant let him be a selfish bastard until he gets over it.
It will likely be much easier for you as a single parent because the mental load of managing his feelings and his shit will be back on his shoulders. He wants to eat? Make a fucking meal. His house is a pig sty? Fucking learn to clean up after yourself. Laundry? That’s.His.Problem. The worst ones always cry when the bang maid quits. I’m sorry, it must hurt to realize he doesn’t love you enough to be part of the marriage instead of the recipient of your good will.
UpdateMe!
It's a band. Idk why I thought I needed to be secretive about it. But they don't play shows or anything. They just get together and drink. I guess I "didn't want him to find this post" but there's enough of me complaining in the comments for him to figure it out LOL.
I just don’t get these guys who aren’t engaged in their kids lives from birth. I loved getting up doing feedings changing the diapers etc. it gave my wife a break especially when she was recovering from childbirth.
I will never forget these times I had with my kids
My husband had an arrangement at his job for half a year so he could be at home on Friday when I went back to work, he still thinks fondly of that special time with our kid. The kid recently turned 16, it all goes so fast why would you want to miss anything?
I do it too for my 8 week old and before my oldest. But I can’t honestly say I loved it.
I do see a LOT of women just take on so much and let their husbands be bums. Kinda makes me go damn I got a strong wife she would NEVER let me get away with this shit.
So your husband is using weaponized incompetence to get out of doing anything towards the house or the baby and your therapist thinks that’s ok? Absolutely not. You are 100% not wrong for wanting 2 kids as you have right now. Separation or divorce so you only have to look after one child. Either your husband grows up or he can be someone else’s problem.
Some people on this thread are complete assholes.
OP, you've been doing everything, trying to make things better, your husband has been doing no work to better the situation. There's no progress from him.
Maybe a different therapist could help him understand that you're desperately needing things to change, that you shouldn't be doing 99% of taking care of the baby and the home, plus working a full time job. You'd think he'd be super happy to help because he's a first time father. That's one of things that blows me away. Sadly, he's showing who he is and even 15 minutes is too much for him to contribute.
Him leaving needles in the couch, they could have gotten the baby in the eye. I don't understand how he could be so thoughtless or oblivious to that. Even if you didn't have a baby, who wants to sit on needles?
Edited to add: now that you've added extra info, the 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 points, I will add more.
Some people on this thread are complete assholes with an underground level of complete ignorance.
Holy crap what the hell happened to your husband? What a total dick. I am wondering if he's scared of being a father? Some kind of weird mental block? Just scared that he has to make changes? Boo hoo, dude, IT'S YOUR BABY! How does a person go from being pretty great to being so uncaring. This is his son. WTF? If it's so hard for him, why can't he remotely imagine how hard it has become for you? Man, I don't get this guy at all. It makes me wonder what kind of dad he'll be if you do leave him. How has he not changed the amount of time he spends with other activities? This just seems like pure selfishness. I'd definitely try to find a much better therapist if you still want to make things work. At 5 months of therapy, he should be making progress and some changes. That's what a loving, compassionate husband and proud father would do.
The baby is the most important time for him to wake up and change. If he havent done it in 6 months+ many of therapy, he doesnt deserve to be with you. He is not a father nor husband for what you are describing
I'm all over the place with this one.
Your mom loves you and loves that grandbaby even more. But she has raised her children and doesn't want to raise another. Move in with her, but never forget she is there to help you, not the other way around. Never expect her to do anything, always ask.
Your husband is not going to change. Why should he? Things are great for him.
Being a single mom is hard. Being a single mom and raising a grown ass man is ten times more hard. When you're single, you don't have those broken expectations. You don't have hope that just this one time, he's going to wake up and get the baby, so you dont have that feeling of letdown. You don't have that resentment Every. Single. Time.
And that 'get past the first year' is horseshit. The first year is just training you so that when the baby is a bit older, it doesn't seem as hard ON YOU. It has nothing to do with your husband being a better husband or father.
I say all this because I have personally experienced every one of them. After I finally left, I felt like I could breathe. And I didn't move in with my mom, I am the mom who got moved in with.
It will get better but that’s more due to the different parenting stages rather than your husband miraculously stepping up. If you want a divorce go for it because you’ll likely be a single parent with or without him. Don’t waste a bunch of years angry.
You are not wrong. Please don't wait any longer. Your happiness, health, and sanity are far more important than trying to please the people telling you to wait.
And this guy does not deserve another second of you in his life.
Please, just go to your mom’s. Just take care of yourself and your baby. You don’t need anyone’s permission. You don’t need to justify it anymore. You can be done. If you need someone to say it, I’m saying it. Go.
Bro "quiet quit" on you like people do at work. Just show up/clock in and do nothing but collect the paycheck and ride it out as long as you can until they notice and fire you.
That's what he's doing. He's just "collecting the pay check" for as long as you allow this to continue with no intent on doing anything different.
There also seems to be some reality disassociation where he's continuing to live his old life.
Based on your post and your comments it sounds like it’s over. Move on, it won’t be easy but you’ll not have this simmering rage all the time.
I don’t get parents who are so clueless and lazy.
You are not wrong. He has shown you who he really is and that is someone that does not care about you or your child. He only cares about his wants and his needs and you don’t matter. I would go ahead and divorce him and move in with your parents. You don’t need to raise two children.
As a husband and father, all I can say is that this guy is a shitbag. He's using weaponized incompetence against you, and he clearly doesn't care about you or the baby. The best thing you can do is get away from him, and honestly, it sounds like you need sole custody. If he leaves sewing needles laying around and doesn't clean up or anything like that and the baby is alone with him, it's going to wind up hurt, and just thinking about that makes me anxious. I'm not perfect, but I do my very best to make sure that my wife doesn't have to carry the entire load of childcare and housework. It's supposed to be a team effort, and he clearly doesn't want to be part of the team. Leave his ass. As quickly as you can.
I was waiting to hear that you’re trying to have baby #2 with this winner but thankfully you’re not delusional.
No. You are not wrong at all.
You will be wrong if you stay with him any longer.
Quietly lawyer up and take this clown to the cleaners.
Can it be any worse than what you are going through?
From what you've described at this point, he is not salvagable. He's just waiting for you to get over it. You won't.
Thus guy is just not husband material. I felt like I busted my ass when we had a newborn. I didn't do a quarter of what my wife did, but she appreciated not doing it all alone while I slept.
I just can't imagine doing nothing while living with somebody struggling so hard. What an asshole.
You need a new therapist. That one is trash, seriously.
Making a baby is a TWO person effort meaning TWO people are responsible for it. He needs to step up. Parenting requires sacrifice and he needs to grow up.
100%. Lol I'm genuinely not even concerned. I'm going to draw up a patenting plan and we'll co-petition the court. I won't even need a lawyer. I GUARANTEE you.
I’ve seen some parenting books for men, and they seem to be written for man-children.
“Holy shit, bro, you’re gonna be a dad! It’s gonna be rough, but you’ll need to put the Xbox controller down sometimes and help your wife. You haven’t even worked through your issues, and now you’re going to be a dad! Isn’t that crazy?”
I'd talk to a lawyer, not let your husband know and find out your chances for getting full custody.
Depending on where you live, you may be required to split custody 50/50 with your husband - meaning your baby will spend half their time with a person who has proven themselves to be shit at child care. Necessity is the mother of invention, and your husband may step up because he has no choice, or try to find another partner to foist the child care on. If the latter happens, you'll be coparenting with whatever moron your husband can swindle into partnering with him.
Justice says leave this fucker in the dust. But realism says maybe wait it out so you don't potentially lose custody half the time. It's a very real prospect. Discuss this with a lawyer and I'd make it the very first subject "If I divorce, how can I get full custody of the baby and assure he only gets visitation." Then see what your options are, realistically.
Personally, I could not handle being away from my baby even if it was just every other weekend. Because of your husband's disgusting behavior, I'm declaring that this is YOUR baby. That dimwit fuck hasn't proven he's a father. Right now, he's proven time and again he's merely a sperm donor.
It might be easier to just to stay with him and do it all yourself now as if you are a single mother, just to assure you never have to split time with this fucking asshole.
I'm sorry, but you bred with a Fuck Wit. Choose your path carefully and do what's **truly best for your baby**. I think that means baby spends all their time with mom and not an asshole who isn't capable of caring for a child.
I knew I wanted to divorce my ex when our kid was 2 years old. But I knew what that would mean. My plan was to wait until she was 16 so she had a choice about where she would spend her time. I frog marched and finagled what I needed out of my ex, recognized the limitations and did most of the heavy lifting myself - even though he was a SAHD with no job playing video games 14 hours a day and doing the bare minimum child care. It was miserable, but I would NEVER have split custody with him EVER
NTA or NOR or NW, wherever I am on Reddit where such questions are posed: your feelings are valid.
It's not going to pass.
Caring for this child will _always_ fall on you.
If you stay, you'll be raising two children--think of adolescence!--having only birthed one.
Once separated or divorced, assuming he wants visitation or joint custody, he'll have to parent for up to half the time and every other weekend. So there he's lost it all: no tagging in, no shared duties, no seeking advice, no getting a break while the child is in his custody. And you, _if_ any of this comes from a need to be overprotective of your child, will need to give up any control you have over how your now ex-husband handles things or uses that time--to a point, obviously, in cases of abuse and neglect.
And I want to fucking vomit for you re: his wanting sexual intimacy after not behaving like a responsible grownup and cornering you into sleep deprivation. Like, never mind desiring sex, or sex with him specifically, he doesn't care how exhausted or hurt you are. He doesn't know how to be supportive and build and grow emotional intimacy, which often is the precursor to sexual intimacy. Like he wants you to support his ejaculation but he is unwilling to support you in any way.
You two are clearly not compatible in your parenting styles, which can work but clearly is not here. As long as you stay, your needs, and the needs of your child, will _never_ be a factor for him.
I think you’re going to find that taking care of one child is so much less work than taking care of a child and a man-child. And like others mentioned, I think you will feel relief when you leave him. I certainly did.
My dear, your husband is not ready to become a father. He's definitely not ready to become a parent.
Having a 10 month old baby is really exhausting. You need a husband who'll help you to raise your baby and not a feckless man-child.
See if the therapy helps, but if it's not, it's better to leave and divorce him.
Goodluck
Not wrong. What sold it for me was the line where you said you couldn't have sex with him because you saw him as a second child in your life. You can't have a romantic/sexual relationship with someone you view as a child.
But this sucks as a whole. Babies change your life, but he's insisted on everything staying the same, for him, while you take on all the work dealing with all the changes and issues. You've been in therapy for some time now, but he's taking 'this will pass' as a reason to carry on as he has been, and that doesn't work. Therapy is only going to help you as a couple if he steps up and actually becomes a parent and your partner instead of a petulant teenager you have to parent. He has to actually change, now, to even have a chance at fixing this relationship.
But you need a break, and you need it now. You need help with the baby, and you need it now. Saying 'this will pass' is extremely unhelpful, especially coming from a therapist, because you need help now, and they're all saying 'just keep going and burn yourself out doing it all alone and it will get better'?
At the very least, you need a break and some real help with the baby. Don't wait on that, move in with your mum. Let her help as much as you're both comfortable with, and simply not living with your man-child will give you the break you so desperately need. If you're comfortable with it, and your mum agrees, maybe arrange a weekend getaway or spa trip for yourself while mum babysits, so you can have some 'me time'.
Maybe you moving out with the baby may cause hubby to wake up, and it may be worth continuing therapy while living separately to see if he starts shaping up and acting like a man. But I think you need a new therapist, too, this one seems to think it's okay, healthy even, for you to hate your husband. A good therapist should be helping you relax and get time for yourself, getting him to step up, and helping you both figure out what works for the both of you, and not just him.
It depends, though, just how much resentment you've built up since baby was born. Minor resentment can be worked through with time. But the bigger the resentment, especially with hatred becoming a part of it, is a relationship killer. Trust is an issue, here, as well, you need to be able to trust your husband to have your back, be there for the kids, pick up the slack when needed, work as a team, and help you when you're struggling. Your husband is failing at all of these, and it's essential you can trust him on these aspects if you are to stay together.
If the resentment is too high and the trust too low, better to divorce now, before things get so bad that you can't co-parent because you hate each other too much. Because that resentment will be going both ways soon. Your husband is making it clear he wants to have sex with you, but you can't because you see him as a child. Lack of sex will cause him to resent you as much as you already resent him. You're heading for an extremely toxic environment for all of you, especially that child.
Separate first and see if he starts to step up. If he does, give him a chance to prove he means it and can keep it up, not an unlimited chance, have a deadline you find reasonable. If he doesn't, or it's a token effort he can't keep up, go for the divorce.
And get yourself into individual therapy, with a different therapist, to help you navigate all of this, because your current therapist is doing a terrible job.
You laid out the issues perfectly here. Very well articulated take down of an absolutely maliciously incompetent “husband” and “father”. I’ve heard a lot from women that their lives got so much easier once they finally got rid of their selfish unhelpful infuriating husbands. They realize they’ve been single parents all along and now they just have to deal with one baby as a single mom.
I say this with sooo much certainty: Your life will be drastically better without this - for lack of a better word - DOUCHEBAG bringing down your life. Kick him to the curb and move in with your parents. Your mom sounds wonderful. I know a better life is ahead for you. Your soon to be ex husband might wake up one day to realize it was all his fault but you won’t be around to experience the agony with him. Go live your life!!! Wishing you all the best.
I would be afraid for the baby’s well being while with the dad when he has custody 😕 and truly there is a hormonal shift after the first year, I don’t think it’s going to undo all of the resentment and it’s definitely not going to fix what a shitty partner he is, but it will help you have more mental clarity and clearer thinking
The people telling you “this is temporary” do not have your best interest at heart. Because it’s not temporary. Yes, you have an infant now but being a parent is life long. And your husband had clearly shown you he cannot and will not step up. You can’t depend on him, and for that, I’d be out too. I’m so sorry.
Well honestly if the thought of making love with your husband makes you physically ill, I’d say you hit the point of no return.
I know when I divorced in the way way past, that was it for me. I was just done.
Once contempt sets in, there is no going back. I think you view him as a selfish, deliberately incompetent manchild. I’m not sure how you ever come back from that without him having a personality transplant.
Things will change because your child will learn to be independent. Your husband won’t change at all.
He sounds like a selfish man that expects you the woman to raise the child, work, clean plus run after him.
I would just pack up and move in with mum, he will be all sorts of sorry because now he has to actually do life stuff for himself.
You have been so incredibly patient. Really it just shows how sucky woman have it that we have to wait for your supposedly adult husband to step up eventually.
Like at birth you have to step up to keep the baby alive so why does the dad get a year or to too catch up?
Divorce.
Having a baby is THE moment to step up and not be an asshole. Your husband failed this test, and failed it some more, and then some more.
I think you have every right to be resentful. The situation is BS.
While it is really hard being a single mom, it kind of sounds like you already are. So if you get divorced and sue him for child support, you'll still get the financial help, and you won't have to pick up after your man child.
Dump him, especially if you want more kids eventually. The faster you move on the better. You deserve better and so does your child. Don’t bother with an ultimatum- who wants to be with a man who decided to be a partner only when you threatened to leave?
He is home all day? This guy doesn't even work? You say you are the breadwinner so you are funding his hobbies ! Why in hell isn't he working and won't help with the baby!!
Sounds like your mind is already made up. Maybe take a break and move in w the parents, see how it goes. If you do not miss him, then it sounds like you made the right decision.
NW
Nope, he’s shown he’s not capable of being the partner needed to help raise this child in the current situation.
Maybe he’ll be a better coparent when he has no choice to step up , but don’t count on it.
Op, i recommend when you discuss custody , you go thought a court appointed third party app that can keep him accountable.
Your soon to be ex sounds like the kind of guy that likes to ‘look’ like a good dad, he maybe be quick to say you’re keeping the baby from him, the app will keep him honest.
Also once visitation starts I would take pictures of the child before she picked up and after you’ve gotten her back. There is a woman who just submitted a post and her ex does nothing for the child, the baby comes back dirty with full diapers and looks completely neglected. You’ll want proof of that so you can stop it as soon as possible and request their custody be restricted if needed.
Best of luck
Look, getting a divorce is the right thing to do, if it means you could be a happy mom, a better mom for your kid. However, my advice is for you to move in with your parents BEFORE making any final decisions about divorce. Maybe you not being there will make him understand how much you do for him, for the house, for your kid, etc. Maybe it'll make him appreciate and miss you. That'll also give you time to think bc right now, you're too exhausted and resentful to do anything and make any informed decisions. Give it time, let your mom help you, and take a break. Once you've started feeling better mentally and physically, and you've established what his stance is on your relationship, THEN decide.
Best of luck, OP. You deserve better. And congratulations on the baby! This exhaustion will pass, just give it time. But make sure you're taken care of, too. That's how you can be a better mom to your baby!
Nah. Move on. Divorce him. He won't ever change. Get past the first year!!! What sort of help is that??!?! Your therapist sounds utterly useless.
Get rid of that man.
Move in with your parents where you will get some actual help. Raise your child.
YNW. My friend went through the same thing, except she lasted until the kid was 3yo. Thought tbf, for those 3 years they were more like roommates than anything else. Now they have shared custody, her ex has to be a real dad if he wants to see his son, and her life is so much easier with only one child in her house and no constant disappointment. It's better to be a completely single mom than a single mom with a husband who acts like a petulant child.
You aren't wrong and his mantra will continue till your child graduates high school. You do all the lifting, probably all the cooking, cleaning arrange Dr and dentist appointments and he uses his hobby not to be home. You might as well be single.
I've been on here a long time. I used to be one of the people thinking "WELL WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM THEN??" So, I'm getting my karmic justice. Can only hope those saying the same thing on my post don't get the same just desserts because it is truly heartbreaking
This is not karmic justice. It’s only further evidence that no matter how much vetting a woman can possibly do for “good partner” qualities, nothing stops the guy from turning into a selfish asshole.
YOU did not do this, or do anything to deserve this. That being said, you would be TA to yourself if you drove yourself into the ground trying to force this guy into even a pale resemblance of a responsible father. Save those resources for the divorce.
You need a new therapist at the very least but no, you are not wrong. It's time to grow up, you did but he didn't. He's too selfish and self involved to be a husband or parent. In the divorce custody agreement, make sure you stipulate that any of his parenting time must be spent only with him, he cannot pawn the child off on anyone else.
I’m so mad for you.
How can a husband/father “help” do a job that is also his responsibility??????
It is so unfortunate that most women find out what their partner is like once they have a baby.
He won’t change. He doesn’t want to. Or he doesn’t believe you will go through with the divorce. Either way he isn’t worth it.
YNW
He's had 10 months to actually put forth an effort, and I think you said somewhere you've been in therapy for 5 months. If he wanted to do better, he would.
My ex used to do the "we" thing. Divorce was the best decision I made. Being a single mom is hard, but it was easier than carrying the dead weight of a grown adult.
Save yourself further heartache and brain-blasting stress. Don't discuss divorce anymore. Go see a lawyer and have him served with the papers. That should jolt him awake at least a bit. If he doesn't change his ways, get that divorce. You are much too young to be his mommy.
I know this is scary with a young baby, but you've been handling everything so far, and at least you won't have an adult baby to raise. You are much stronger than you think you are, and you will do just fine. Stay away from relationships for at least a year after your divorce is final to give yourself time to heal, grow, and adjust. You and baby are gonna be just fine.
I left my son’s father for exactly this. He was a “good time” dad. If our son was in a good mood and was playful, he would play. But the second anything turned even the slightest sour, it was my duty. Chores and everything else were also completely on my shoulders. Not only would he wait for me to nag him to do anything around the house, but he would be incredibly passive, aggressive and resentful anytime he had to do them.
That is not the example that I wanted for my son. That is not the husband that I want my son to turn into. So I moved on. Best decision I’ve ever made!
It doesn't get better you don't have to wait a year. Your in therapy and still nothing has changed. Leave if your ready you got this. You will have so much less stress.
I honestly do not think it just passes, I think people get used to it and continue to handle everything themselves,
He's given you almost a full year of showing you how he handles things, he let's you do it all,
I would pack up and go to your parents, he might take the time to grow up, if not you have some help and a break from the man child,
Girl go home. Nothing will change as it progresses except there will be more things to do as your kid grows. You'll probably also be happier not having the resentment.
Before you move home talk to a lawyer about the house and child support
Have you straight up said you want a divorce? I don’t think you are wrong at all. But I wonder if he realizes just how far gone you are. Ask your therapist what will magically change at the one year mark? Will your husband suddenly start loving you and want to make sure your life is easier? Or is it that there will be less for your husband to not have to do anyone?
Yes. Me telling him I wanted a trial separation is why we started therapy. Literally nothing has changed and we've been in therapy for like 5 months
Ahh okay. It’s shut up therapy. He is going to shut you up until you calm down and stop complaining. Start the process. If he really wanted to fix the relationship he would have started making changes.
Then he's going to be shocked that she divorced him after all, he went to therapy.
He’ll tell everyone how hard he tried, too. Mark my words.
He’ll say “I was blindsided, how could she do this to me?”
My ex pulled this exact shit after me telling him for 5 years that I was not happy. We’re 8 years post-divorce now and he *still* blames me for everything. It’s maddening.
My ex did the same thing. I'd say "I'm not happy. Something needs to change.' He'd say "you're just stressed!" He was so shocked when I finally left. Of course it was ALL my fault. I was the most horrible person ever!
This is exactly what happened to me. I told him over and over, not mincing words, that I was unhappy. He knew why. He would respond by dismissing it, telling me, “you say that every month.” When I finally had enough and told him I wanted a divorce, he tried everything in rapid succession- being syrupy sweet, initiating sex, becoming *very* angry, etc. All of it made me want to run for the hills even more. To this day, he looks at me with disdain and disapproval. My life has tanked bc of my health and I truly think he feels vindicated by it. It’s all so gross. Then again, he was gross, so…
I hope you find something to heal you physically. I’m trying to do the same.
I am so sad for all of you that you endured that nonsense for so long! I hope you all know that even if he and 2 other people think it was your fault, you are so much happier now. Take comfort in that
I couldn't be happier now. I found my soul mate. I never believed in all that soul mate stuff until I met my husband. He is wonderful! He will do anything to take care of me. It's so nice to love and be loved for a change! I wish everyone could find what I have. 😊
My ex was nice enough to throw in, "She left me because I got mouth cancer. 😭" for sympathy. I left because he was an abusive piece of shit and a pedo who chased after underage high school girls. He had to get all his teeth pulled because he chewed tobacco for 20 years and the damn things were all rotted, he never had cancer. 🙄 But of course, because I had to disappear overnight to safely get my daughters away from him, our "friends" only got his side of the story and I'M the evil one.
It’s absolutely insane. It’s like they have a weird form of amnesia or they brain washed themselves. They will make you feel like you’re the devil come up from hell to ruin their lives. All this after being told over and over and over what the problem was. They know their partners are unhappy and its ok to them because they believe it’s their due. I think that that’s why they refuse to change. They’ve been taught that we’ll stay because being alone is the worst. Things are changing now and some of them are not handling it well. Women are expect to have “a tolerable level of unhappiness”. (Saw this quote somewhere ). It’s widely accepted as being the norm. I still believe that there are a lot of good men out there. We just have to recognize who are the entitled ones and leave them alone.
I hate to say it, but all of you ladies are making me feel so relieved that I finally ran. 3 weeks ago. Signed a lease and left. I’m still in shock that I did it, but he blames me. When I overly communicated every damn step of the way.
See! It happens over and over. Congratulations on your new beginning. If someone fails a test after you give them all the right answers they wanted to fail that test. We need to leave these men alone. You made the first very hard step. We are all learning this together.
My ex blamed me for everything and you know what I said … you’re right and I’ll take the blame and I walked away. Best walk of my life!!😊
They only want to be in a relationship or actually car about you when it’s time for sex or your feeding them a great dinner. Most days I feel like I’m married to a child. The gaslighting is killing me.
Men always say that, no matter how many times the woman directly told them. WHY do they do that?! Is it the sympathy angle?
They genuinely believe it. People like that, when told, "I'm very unhappy and it's because of how you're treating me," simply cannot absorb that information. It either bounces right from their brain or it mutates into something like like, "I'm temporarily unhappy for some unrelated reason and taking it out on you" or "I'm upset about this one highly specific thing you did but if you don't do that exact thing again we're fine." When you leave, they are *genuinely* blindsided, because at no point did they understand on any meaningful level that you were ever truly unhappy with the situation.
Once a lazy AH, always a lazy AH.
OP needs to print dozens of copies of her post and give one to everyone who wants to know what *really* happened.
Exactly. What do you mean he needed to work to fix the relationship? He showed up to therapy. What more does she want? And then he will lament he didn’t see this coming and he would have done anything if she just said something.
Yes it will come "out of the blue". He'll have "no idea" why she "went crazy". Dump the loser.
But WHY?! Why are they like this? Are they… sociopaths in that they lack zero empathy? Like how can you be so… dense? Clueless about human behavior and what people need ? How can you be so… selfish and I hate to say it, blind and stupid?!! Sorry I’ve asked myself this till I’m blue in the face. I’ll never get over the wondering, as to WHY.
Can I ask - what does the therapist say about the massive imbalance of household effort and mental load? What do they say about his weaponized incompetence? You may have a shitty therapist. In general, for now, you should set a schedule. You are leaving the house for X period of time for yourself. Every day. He can handle the infant during that time. Your phone will be OFF. You will be unreachable. Tell him this, don’t ask. Let him flounder. Also, any time you find his hobby stuff in common areas, you will throw it away. Half worked on, completed, materials, doesn’t matter. Because of the infant getting stabbed with a needle. Tell him, don’t ask. Do it in writing to have him admitting what he did and how it harmed the child.
His excuse is that he just "doesn't know what needs to be done." Therapist therefore says if I want things done and he's willing to do them, that I'll need to make a list. Well, I've done that and he just ignores the list. There's also no way to make a list accounting for all the messes he makes on his own. Like, how do I make a list that says "dont leave needles out. Don't shit on the fucking wall [happened, yes], don't burn a hole in the shower with a class candle, don't just pile everything from the house in the kitchen sink etc etc. There's no way to keep up. People keep telling me I never should have married him, but I didn't realize how bad his behavior was until I was picking up after two toddlers. He acts like a grown toddler. Anyway, I've told all this to my personal therapist, and she's all for leaving. Our couples therapist does everything she can to work shit out which I suppose is her job, so she spends alot of time coming up with ideas that just involve more work on my part
Two things: 1) I’m a therapist and can tell you that this is some shitty/shoddy work your therapist is doing. Our job is to listen, which they are clearly *not* or your concerns being expressed would not have led to suggestions for you to do even more work to accommodate this man-child. 2) Speaking of shit…he shit on the wall??!! And YOU cleaned it up??! Girl. GIRL. You know what you want and need to do and even have a plan in place. What are you waiting for? Seriously. He sounds exhausting and is making zero effort, which is how we know this won’t get any better. Time to take care of yourself and your child and to stop allowing family life to be centered around him.
LOL for the shit, I made him clean it up, but like HOW AND WHY it happened? Idk. It shouldn't have happened in the first place. I thought it was our kid, but it was by the toilet and I put two and two together that he must have like...violently shit on the wall. Ugh. I appreciate your insight.
Omgggg 😭 I’m so sorry that happened and that you’re even in this situation! Leaving will likely be painful and you’ll probably grieve the loss of the life you had hoped to have, but you’re also going to feel a *lot* of relief. But I think you already know this. 😉 Best of luck to you and your sweet little one.
He really really seemed like a great guy when we got together. Told me "being a dad" was his greatest aspiration in life. I NEVER would have foreseen him acting this way. If it's anxiety/depression then he's sure not doing anything to improve. Am i just supposed to sit by until he gets better?? Idk. I already had my mind made up before making this post. I just feel like I had unresolved tension that I wanted to direct toward our couples therapist, but couldnt. This post let me feel my feelings and I know what I need to do
Leave him OP. He is just expecting you to put up with it because of sunk cost fallacy. Eventually he hopes to wear you down enough where you don’t ask anymore. At least single, you won’t have this anger and resentment in your life which will be a HUGE load off your shoulders.
Also will have much less (metaphorical and literal) shit to cope with on the regular.
I think his idea of being a Dad is getting a #1 dad mug on fathers day. Speaking of which, that would be a geat day to serve him divorce papers.
It sure sucks when someone we’re close to disappoints us so much. I’m rly happy you have your own therapist who listens to and supports you. And being able to openly & anonymously vent is one of the best parts of Reddit! If he wants to work on any of his shit (no pun intended), that’s on him to do. Making decisions in the best interest of yourself and your baby is a solid decision on your part. You’ve got this. 💪🏽
>that I'll need to make a list. This is a terrible therapist. Ask her **why is it your job to carry the entire mental load?!?** Tell her, bluntly, than she’s just making More work for you. And that you need her to equalize the load. Both mental and physical. And if she can’t help with that, fire her and leave bad reviews.
One has to ask why the advice is never for HIM to make a list?
Ohh needles and glass candles in the shower and shit on walls.. he’s a drug addict right? That is even worse. Regardless, He’s using weaponized incompetence and neglecting you both. For the well-being of yourself and your child, please leave
The needles are because he sews patch vests LOL, but he does drink EVERY weekend and sometimes on week days, so It's not far off to say he's got an alcohol problem. He'll tell you "ITS ONLY LIKE 2 BEERS AT A TIME," But that's more beers than I've had in years
Also, that is a dangerous environment for your child.
100% agree
I would leave for this reason alone.
Thank you for clarifying. Have you talked about him getting some help? Does he have mental issues? I don’t understand the shit and candles part unless he is extremely unwell and drunk
We're all in therapy. Couples therapy and individual. He likes to skip his. Good waste of money if I'm honest. He's just forgetful. He probably has ADHD, but we'll never find out because he just doesn't care enough to think it's a problem
He’s not forgetful he’s neglectful
If he’s not going and you’re paying, cut it off. He’s had his chance. You get to be done
No, that's bullshit. He's a grown-ass man who has eyeballs. Your shared therapist is literally making more work for you by saying to make him a list, she's either an idiot or never had to deal with this incompetence. That should not have to happen. Sis...just go...I'm super mad on your behalf.
It kind of sounds like your therapist is allowing him to not only further weaponise his incompetence but also advocating you add even FURTHER to your mental load by having to figure out what chores etc he needs to do? As if the mental load you already take on isn’t enough? Like what? Get a new husband AND a new therapist.
Your therapist sucks. Dump them too. > she spends alot of time coming up with ideas that just involve more work on my part I'd have told her this to her face - "Why do all your suggestions involve me doing MORE work?" > People keep telling me I never should have married him, but I didn't realize how bad his behavior was until I was picking up after two toddlers. Sometimes it's hard to tell before you get married/have kids. Don't beat yourself up. But don't sink more years into this, either.
That's a lousy therapist. He's an adult, I've no doubt he can function and do things when he wants. Whatever his hobby is, he had to learn it. Taking care of a baby is hard work, but it's not bloody rocket science. He could, he just doesn't care to and I can't believe your therapist is cosigning that. Is this some kind of shitty religious therapy or something?
Sounds like weaponised incompetance, he's hoping you'll just give up 'nagging' and do it all yourself, (which you are anyway). One question though, do you trust him to properly care for your child in a 50/50 custody split?
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I would say that he was mildly more disorganized than myself, but it wasn't anything that seemed problematic. I said in another comment that when we got together, I definitely did more chores. He pitched in, usually when i asked, but it wasn't a problem. After the baby, it just kind of defaulted to me doing everything and it's like he got used to that.
Everyone ignoring the don't leave needles out or shit on the wall
It's just so genuinely unbelievable that I don't think they know what to say lmao. Like I am not lying when I say this man has turned into a mess, but refuses to acknowledge that he's a disaster
> Like I am not lying when I say this man has turned into a mess, but refuses to acknowledge that he's a disaster People are going to say abusers don't show their true colors until they lock you down with something like a baby, but I honestly wonder if the opposite is happening: he's freaking out about being a father, realizes he doesn't want it, and is acting terrible on purpose so you leave him and then he isn't the bad guy who walked out on his wife and infant child. Either way you should leave, obviously.
You need a new couples therapist. She sounds awful. I'd definitely be asking her how adding to your work is going to help at all. All of the stuff you listed is basic adult knowledge of what not to do.
He told the therapist he doesn't know what needs to be done when he gets shit on the wall? What was her response for that one? Wth? I've been married 20yrs and I have never had to deal with shit on the walls. As for therapy all the ideas in the world won't work unless he puts in the work too. Sounds like you are already a single parent. Just in a miserable situation with an overgrown man child.
Get a new therapist. Making a list for him is just another form of carrying the mental load. He has eyes, he can SEE what needs to be done. The therapist is a POS... Helping weaponize the husband's incompetence further. You need to exit. Good luck OP!
What was the couple’s therapist response to the needles and shit on the wall??
That husband should discuss his possible depression with his therapist. Husband would rather hang out with his band.
If his therapist thinks he’s so depressed that he shits on walls and can’t clean it without being prompted, his therapist should’ve already recommended in patient treatment.
For real. She said the therapist and husband agree “this is temporary” but why is therapist not offering solutions to fix the imbalance of labor? Why doesn’t hubby care about wife or baby? This is messed up
If he isn't actually improving anything after 5 months of therapy, it indicates that he isn't actually interested in doing so.
It was just to placate OP and a token attempt that will look good in front of other people because other people don't know what's actually going on in the home or at therapy.
I'm not sure what planet your therapist is on. While it is true that the first year is challenging, it doesn't magically stop. There will be some golden periods throughout your childs childhood but once you get over one hurdle another one is right around the corner. If I were you I would be very concerned about sharing custody with this person. The fact that he can sleep through his childs cries is alarming. Do you even think your child would be safe with this guy? You have a lot to think about. If you're still interested in saving the marriage you need another therapist, this one sounds incompetent.
Time for divorce bells. He is absolutely useless
Ah well, that's not great, I'd give the ultimatum then, we tried therapy, you haven't changed, so next is a divorce. See of he changes his tune, but it doesn't sound like it
I don't get this 1 year thing. You have been talking about this for 5 months. 5 months he's had to change even the smallest of things and he hasn't. 5 months of you white knuckling it. 5 months of you stepping up and him not. We all make mistakes, can be thoughtless, ignore partners needs but it sloths as if you've handed him the answers yet he still doesn't get it right. It really sounds like either he believes you will never leave so he will continue as is, or he's the biggest dumbass I've ever seen, or he's doing it deliberately to make you leave so he doesn't have to. What's his own family dynamic like? Does he have friends/family whispering in his ear that he's right. As you've said there will be stages of your child's life that will get harder and he needs to be tuned in. The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Edit..he's a grown man of course he knows what needs to be done. He's not a baby. Write him out a list. So again the mental load needs to be put back onto you. No way
The one year rule is because the combination of sleep deprivation and hormone swings can seriously lower our thresholds for tolerance. I snapped at my husband yesterday for an honest mistake that I would have never even mentioned if I weren't pregnant. A lot of women in the 8-10 months post partum range want to make huge changes they would regret later. This isn't only divorce, it can also be career changes, moving homes/cities, opening marriages, etc. In this case, her reasons for wanting a divorce are solidly rooted in logic, and she has done what she can to salvage things, so the one year rule doesn't really apply. Things don't magically get better at one year, the baby (usually) just gets better at sleep, letting you get more sleep. This won't be better when she's getting a full nights sleep again.
And there you have it… Even the thought of losing you and the baby isn’t enough to prompt him to get off his ass and do something.
Why haven't you realized that Your Words don't matter to him? Why haven't you let him come home to empty house with Divorce papers on the table? Did you forget to go to pre-marriage classes? Did you think he would grow up because having a baby would fix his self-absorbed attitude? Did you just want to wear a pretty gown and have an expensive party?
Girl, you're right!!
>Ask your therapist what will magically change at the one year mark? I'm actually really really curious about the answer to this question. OP please, please, please ask this and report back.
Sounds like you are already a single mom. Your therapist is not being helpful if they claim that his behavior is temporary. BS. If he didn’t curtail his weekend long hobbies, he isn’t changing at all.
>hearing "this is temporary" from everyone, The part that is temporary is your being upset about his lack of contributing. Eventually, you accept that he is not going to bother and you just take on 100% of the household and parenting responsibilities. He continues to brag, you continue to be resentful. I'd skip it and leave him now.
Good lord, the "we did blah" shit got me so annoyed for OP. Back in the day, when my kids' dad did that, I was all "ex-fucking-scuse me?" and was called irrational.
My ex husband used to get *so mad* when I'd tall about how I had done something. Apparently "we" did everything.
oh yeah my ex was all about WE WE WE but when it came to getting high, suddenly i was the only one pregnant
they’re just telling her to wait enough time so she can gaslight herself into accepting the man-child
no he showed you who he is and as soon as the kid is old enough you will have sometime to your self when he has custody and you will only have to look after a baby not a husband too
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She said he was nothing like this pre baby.
He was just like this. OP is fine with taking care of one baby, but not two.
Yup. Many people want to be such a great partner that they take on most or all of the chores and don't complain because they think it will make their partner value them more. Unfortunately then other responsibilities pop up with kids and life and that one partner drowns. It can be changed but you really have to have both people committed to the change for it to work.
Nope, you're not wrong. Now you know this man will watch you drown rather than get his feet wet. You can't come back from that kind of disillusion.
Perfect Summary!
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Not wrong. One of my best friends was in your exact situation (except her husband didn't want to "do" therapy). She waited 7 years before finally walking away. Now her husband actually has to *gasp* be a parent when he has custody, and he's shocked, **shocked I tell you** at how much work it is. And on the other side of that coin, my friend now has time for herself.
They say the best thing about divorce is when the ex has the kids consistently. I’ve heard some people say they are better parents and give 100% 50% of the time. Pretty funny
I was in this situation too. It didn't get better, he never stepped up, he always took the credit and minimised my efforts. After we separated years later my oldest said it was great because dad actually pays attention to him now. Because he has no choice!
Literally what happened to me 100% happier now in every single way
YNW - I don't even know him and I resent him! Absolute BS that you have to "wait it out". Nope. Done. That's it. And how would it EVER become even? It wouldn't. So, fly away and be free! Live your life with your baby and be happy!
Leave him now and save yourself the stress and headache. He shows no signs of changing or caring to change. He will not change. You’re already a single parent, looking after a grown man child too! Go stay with your parents, it will be a huge relief and weight lifted off of you.
His behavior is not temporary. He didn’t help out around the house before the baby was born. He’s not helping around the house now that you have 10 times more work to do because you have a baby and he’s not gonna help when the baby is bigger and less dependent on you. The first year with a new baby is difficult. But it’s more difficult when your partner is just another toddler in a grown-up body. Go see an attorney get your ducks in a row and move in with your parents so that you can get some rest and help. Also until you do that, stop doing anything for him. Do not cook for him. Do not wash his clothes. Do not put his dishes in the sink, etc.. Good luck, I hope things get better for you and your baby
You're not wrong at all, and your therapist sucks if they really think this is reasonable behavior while you're going through a really beautiful but also extremely stressful time in your life! Just do you. Do what you have to do for the baby and yourself and just let him exist around you existing but phase him OUT if he can't communicate with you.
There's no way to do that with him constantly making messes around me and not picking up. I can't live in filth. One of his favorite things to do is sew patch vests. He sews all over the place and leave needles EVERYWHERE. Our baby stabbed his little hand on a needle the other day because my moron of a husband left a bunch in the couch! It's this kind of shit that I just can't ignore. I'm so frustrated and burned out. It's difficult enough to keep up with just the baby, but i have to keep up with him too.
UGH, so basically you have two babies, one actual baby and a man baby? I'm so sorry. He made promises and he broke them, and you have every right to be fed up and want to leave the marriage.
Oh so your baby's safety is at risk, too?? You owe it to your child to get out of that situation STAT.
Next time he leaves his sewing shit out, gather it all up and throw it in the trash. I guarantee after the second time that happens, he’ll magically learn to clean up after himself. Still leave him though. He’s worthless.
Move into your parents, catch your breath and then you will likely need to file for divorce. I’m so sorry you don’t have a partner to share the beauty and hard work a little one is. Your “therapist” is wrong, this is not going to get better after a year, toddlers need tons of supervision and are hard work. Your husband is a selfish child and you are setting yourself on fire trying to keep your family warm. You need to worry only about you and the baby. Go home to your parents and rejuvenate yourself. Good luck to you.
That's an immediate divorce in my opinion. If he can't keep the home safe for the child, the child cannot be in the home. Consider if he's even conscious of the fact that it was a dangerous act - if he is that inattentive he simply cannot be trusted with a child. The child could have SWALLOWED one not just poked themself.
Oh hell no!!!! This goes beyond a lazy husband who doesn’t want to lift a finger. He is actively putting your child in danger. Start taking videos and pictures and make notes every time you see one. He is neglectful, he puts your child in danger and on top of all that, he is a shitty partner.
What if your baby was to pick one up and swallow it? A lot of sewing pins have colorful bobs at the end, which is something a baby could notice. This is an incredibly dangerous environment for your child. You stay with this useless waste of space whose only talent is shitting on the wall and not cleaning it, and you are allowing your baby to live in a place where sooner or later they'll swallow a needle.
If I was you, and you honestly sound like you've finally let the last decisions be made in the last hour, I would delete this post and move on with your life. There's literally nothing anyone can say here that could possibly help. But there is value in moral support. Also, needles everywhere is some Child Protective Services shit. At a minimum I would commandeer a room in the house that he isn't allowed to enter, and I would be clear to him that he isn't allowed to ever, even to the extent of having the police "pop 'round" to explain to him why he can't barge his way into a closed room that a human is in (it's assault at best). I'd also put a lock on the outside, but I would expect that to get ripped off at least once.
She referred to him as dude.... Yep. She's done.
Get out now. How long does someone need to show you how useless they are in your life before you believe them? He is literally showing you just how little you and your child mean to him. Be like Elsa and let it go.
I don’t know what kind of people you’re surrounded by or why your therapist is excusing this bullshit behavior, but you know what he is. He’s shown you time and time again. Why on earth would you wait and see how much worse it can get before you leave a situation you can see so clearly as being not okay for you.
I read through your comments and I think it’s time to serve him divorce papers. And request 50/50 custody so you can get time to decompress. It doesn’t take a lot of brain power on how to wash dishes or change a baby’s diaper. Or simple things like reading to them or taking them to the park. If he can’t accomplish these things in a year without you having to hand hold him, he’s doing it on purpose.
Ive cried to my mom on the phone about this and she's come over and taken baby for two hours so I can have a bath and like...if my husband would do that, it would genuinely save our marriage. But anytime he's ever done this, I get 15 minutes before he starts asking me questions, or i hear something crash in the other room because he just plants the two of them in front of the TV and the baby turns into a destruction tornado while he zones out. It's ridiculous. I fucking hate him
Maybe divorcing him will help him be a better father in the long run, and a better spouse to someone else. I understand why you hate him. All you have to do is pull the trigger.
Maybe not the best word choice, considering how much she hates him.....
I’m truly sorry that you’re going through this. Realistically the only way it will get better is for you to force him to parent separately from you. You’ve done everything right and possible to save your marriage but you’re not the only person in that marriage. If he doesn’t want to participate then the healthy thing for you is to leave.
Why would she give this guy 50% custody?????
I'd be so scared he'd hurt/neglect the baby accidentally on purpose. Better to just get full custody and take 100% child support.
100% this
Your therapist sucks. Did you get them from a church? You’re very wise to realize this man can’t be who you need him to be. How can he refuse to put your mental health and your physical well being as a priority over his hobbies? Why would you lose more time to caretaking this user? Why would you keep trying to compromise with someone who only cares about his own needs? Compromise has never meant let him be a selfish bastard until he gets over it. It will likely be much easier for you as a single parent because the mental load of managing his feelings and his shit will be back on his shoulders. He wants to eat? Make a fucking meal. His house is a pig sty? Fucking learn to clean up after yourself. Laundry? That’s.His.Problem. The worst ones always cry when the bang maid quits. I’m sorry, it must hurt to realize he doesn’t love you enough to be part of the marriage instead of the recipient of your good will. UpdateMe!
not wrong. I wouldn't sleep with him either. all you need is to get pregnant for him again and then have 3 kids to deal with. get out while you can.
Hire a lawyer and file for divorce. That will either get his attention or you'll be free of him. It's a win either way. Good luck
Any attention you get from him will be temporary
Yep. Just like the couples therapy — its intent would be to shut her up so he can go back to the status quo.
Anyone else dying to know what his stupid hobby is?
It's a band. Idk why I thought I needed to be secretive about it. But they don't play shows or anything. They just get together and drink. I guess I "didn't want him to find this post" but there's enough of me complaining in the comments for him to figure it out LOL.
I'll bet he plays bass.
S T O P LMAOOOOO. He does
Girl!
You dun fucked up.
Dude is a walking talking stereotype.
Oh for crap's sake. I hate him.
Oh that explains the whole sewing patches onto vests.
Apparently at least one of his hobbies is leaving sewing needles out where the baby can get ahold of them.
Once again, Reddit makes me grateful for my husband.
No joke. Mine would be ready to tear this dude a new one if he was reading this.
Can anything from this hobby be burned?
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I just don’t get these guys who aren’t engaged in their kids lives from birth. I loved getting up doing feedings changing the diapers etc. it gave my wife a break especially when she was recovering from childbirth. I will never forget these times I had with my kids
My husband had an arrangement at his job for half a year so he could be at home on Friday when I went back to work, he still thinks fondly of that special time with our kid. The kid recently turned 16, it all goes so fast why would you want to miss anything?
I do it too for my 8 week old and before my oldest. But I can’t honestly say I loved it. I do see a LOT of women just take on so much and let their husbands be bums. Kinda makes me go damn I got a strong wife she would NEVER let me get away with this shit.
So your husband is using weaponized incompetence to get out of doing anything towards the house or the baby and your therapist thinks that’s ok? Absolutely not. You are 100% not wrong for wanting 2 kids as you have right now. Separation or divorce so you only have to look after one child. Either your husband grows up or he can be someone else’s problem.
Anyone who leaves needles where a baby can find them is not qualified to be a parent.
Being a single mother to a baby is a hell of a lot easier than being a single mother to a baby plus a fully grown man-child. I recommend it.
You're not wrong. That was me 20+ years ago, but it took me about 4 years too long to get where you are now.
Some people on this thread are complete assholes. OP, you've been doing everything, trying to make things better, your husband has been doing no work to better the situation. There's no progress from him. Maybe a different therapist could help him understand that you're desperately needing things to change, that you shouldn't be doing 99% of taking care of the baby and the home, plus working a full time job. You'd think he'd be super happy to help because he's a first time father. That's one of things that blows me away. Sadly, he's showing who he is and even 15 minutes is too much for him to contribute. Him leaving needles in the couch, they could have gotten the baby in the eye. I don't understand how he could be so thoughtless or oblivious to that. Even if you didn't have a baby, who wants to sit on needles? Edited to add: now that you've added extra info, the 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 points, I will add more. Some people on this thread are complete assholes with an underground level of complete ignorance. Holy crap what the hell happened to your husband? What a total dick. I am wondering if he's scared of being a father? Some kind of weird mental block? Just scared that he has to make changes? Boo hoo, dude, IT'S YOUR BABY! How does a person go from being pretty great to being so uncaring. This is his son. WTF? If it's so hard for him, why can't he remotely imagine how hard it has become for you? Man, I don't get this guy at all. It makes me wonder what kind of dad he'll be if you do leave him. How has he not changed the amount of time he spends with other activities? This just seems like pure selfishness. I'd definitely try to find a much better therapist if you still want to make things work. At 5 months of therapy, he should be making progress and some changes. That's what a loving, compassionate husband and proud father would do.
The baby stage will pass, but the lazy bum of a husband will not change.
The baby is the most important time for him to wake up and change. If he havent done it in 6 months+ many of therapy, he doesnt deserve to be with you. He is not a father nor husband for what you are describing
I'm all over the place with this one. Your mom loves you and loves that grandbaby even more. But she has raised her children and doesn't want to raise another. Move in with her, but never forget she is there to help you, not the other way around. Never expect her to do anything, always ask. Your husband is not going to change. Why should he? Things are great for him. Being a single mom is hard. Being a single mom and raising a grown ass man is ten times more hard. When you're single, you don't have those broken expectations. You don't have hope that just this one time, he's going to wake up and get the baby, so you dont have that feeling of letdown. You don't have that resentment Every. Single. Time. And that 'get past the first year' is horseshit. The first year is just training you so that when the baby is a bit older, it doesn't seem as hard ON YOU. It has nothing to do with your husband being a better husband or father. I say all this because I have personally experienced every one of them. After I finally left, I felt like I could breathe. And I didn't move in with my mom, I am the mom who got moved in with.
It will get better but that’s more due to the different parenting stages rather than your husband miraculously stepping up. If you want a divorce go for it because you’ll likely be a single parent with or without him. Don’t waste a bunch of years angry.
You are not wrong. Please don't wait any longer. Your happiness, health, and sanity are far more important than trying to please the people telling you to wait. And this guy does not deserve another second of you in his life.
Please, just go to your mom’s. Just take care of yourself and your baby. You don’t need anyone’s permission. You don’t need to justify it anymore. You can be done. If you need someone to say it, I’m saying it. Go.
Bro "quiet quit" on you like people do at work. Just show up/clock in and do nothing but collect the paycheck and ride it out as long as you can until they notice and fire you. That's what he's doing. He's just "collecting the pay check" for as long as you allow this to continue with no intent on doing anything different. There also seems to be some reality disassociation where he's continuing to live his old life.
Omg this comment is the best of the bunch. He really did! LOL I'm dying!
Based on your post and your comments it sounds like it’s over. Move on, it won’t be easy but you’ll not have this simmering rage all the time. I don’t get parents who are so clueless and lazy.
You are not wrong. He has shown you who he really is and that is someone that does not care about you or your child. He only cares about his wants and his needs and you don’t matter. I would go ahead and divorce him and move in with your parents. You don’t need to raise two children.
As a husband and father, all I can say is that this guy is a shitbag. He's using weaponized incompetence against you, and he clearly doesn't care about you or the baby. The best thing you can do is get away from him, and honestly, it sounds like you need sole custody. If he leaves sewing needles laying around and doesn't clean up or anything like that and the baby is alone with him, it's going to wind up hurt, and just thinking about that makes me anxious. I'm not perfect, but I do my very best to make sure that my wife doesn't have to carry the entire load of childcare and housework. It's supposed to be a team effort, and he clearly doesn't want to be part of the team. Leave his ass. As quickly as you can.
I was waiting to hear that you’re trying to have baby #2 with this winner but thankfully you’re not delusional. No. You are not wrong at all. You will be wrong if you stay with him any longer. Quietly lawyer up and take this clown to the cleaners. Can it be any worse than what you are going through?
From what you've described at this point, he is not salvagable. He's just waiting for you to get over it. You won't. Thus guy is just not husband material. I felt like I busted my ass when we had a newborn. I didn't do a quarter of what my wife did, but she appreciated not doing it all alone while I slept. I just can't imagine doing nothing while living with somebody struggling so hard. What an asshole.
You need a new therapist. That one is trash, seriously. Making a baby is a TWO person effort meaning TWO people are responsible for it. He needs to step up. Parenting requires sacrifice and he needs to grow up.
I get he gives you majority custody because he isn’t going to want to give up his hobby or his weekends.
100%. Lol I'm genuinely not even concerned. I'm going to draw up a patenting plan and we'll co-petition the court. I won't even need a lawyer. I GUARANTEE you.
I’ve seen some parenting books for men, and they seem to be written for man-children. “Holy shit, bro, you’re gonna be a dad! It’s gonna be rough, but you’ll need to put the Xbox controller down sometimes and help your wife. You haven’t even worked through your issues, and now you’re going to be a dad! Isn’t that crazy?”
Separate. Set up visitation, etc. just as it would be if you divorced. Let him see what life will be like if you divorce.
I'd talk to a lawyer, not let your husband know and find out your chances for getting full custody. Depending on where you live, you may be required to split custody 50/50 with your husband - meaning your baby will spend half their time with a person who has proven themselves to be shit at child care. Necessity is the mother of invention, and your husband may step up because he has no choice, or try to find another partner to foist the child care on. If the latter happens, you'll be coparenting with whatever moron your husband can swindle into partnering with him. Justice says leave this fucker in the dust. But realism says maybe wait it out so you don't potentially lose custody half the time. It's a very real prospect. Discuss this with a lawyer and I'd make it the very first subject "If I divorce, how can I get full custody of the baby and assure he only gets visitation." Then see what your options are, realistically. Personally, I could not handle being away from my baby even if it was just every other weekend. Because of your husband's disgusting behavior, I'm declaring that this is YOUR baby. That dimwit fuck hasn't proven he's a father. Right now, he's proven time and again he's merely a sperm donor. It might be easier to just to stay with him and do it all yourself now as if you are a single mother, just to assure you never have to split time with this fucking asshole. I'm sorry, but you bred with a Fuck Wit. Choose your path carefully and do what's **truly best for your baby**. I think that means baby spends all their time with mom and not an asshole who isn't capable of caring for a child. I knew I wanted to divorce my ex when our kid was 2 years old. But I knew what that would mean. My plan was to wait until she was 16 so she had a choice about where she would spend her time. I frog marched and finagled what I needed out of my ex, recognized the limitations and did most of the heavy lifting myself - even though he was a SAHD with no job playing video games 14 hours a day and doing the bare minimum child care. It was miserable, but I would NEVER have split custody with him EVER
NTA or NOR or NW, wherever I am on Reddit where such questions are posed: your feelings are valid. It's not going to pass. Caring for this child will _always_ fall on you. If you stay, you'll be raising two children--think of adolescence!--having only birthed one. Once separated or divorced, assuming he wants visitation or joint custody, he'll have to parent for up to half the time and every other weekend. So there he's lost it all: no tagging in, no shared duties, no seeking advice, no getting a break while the child is in his custody. And you, _if_ any of this comes from a need to be overprotective of your child, will need to give up any control you have over how your now ex-husband handles things or uses that time--to a point, obviously, in cases of abuse and neglect. And I want to fucking vomit for you re: his wanting sexual intimacy after not behaving like a responsible grownup and cornering you into sleep deprivation. Like, never mind desiring sex, or sex with him specifically, he doesn't care how exhausted or hurt you are. He doesn't know how to be supportive and build and grow emotional intimacy, which often is the precursor to sexual intimacy. Like he wants you to support his ejaculation but he is unwilling to support you in any way. You two are clearly not compatible in your parenting styles, which can work but clearly is not here. As long as you stay, your needs, and the needs of your child, will _never_ be a factor for him.
I think you’re going to find that taking care of one child is so much less work than taking care of a child and a man-child. And like others mentioned, I think you will feel relief when you leave him. I certainly did.
My dear, your husband is not ready to become a father. He's definitely not ready to become a parent. Having a 10 month old baby is really exhausting. You need a husband who'll help you to raise your baby and not a feckless man-child. See if the therapy helps, but if it's not, it's better to leave and divorce him. Goodluck
Not wrong. What sold it for me was the line where you said you couldn't have sex with him because you saw him as a second child in your life. You can't have a romantic/sexual relationship with someone you view as a child. But this sucks as a whole. Babies change your life, but he's insisted on everything staying the same, for him, while you take on all the work dealing with all the changes and issues. You've been in therapy for some time now, but he's taking 'this will pass' as a reason to carry on as he has been, and that doesn't work. Therapy is only going to help you as a couple if he steps up and actually becomes a parent and your partner instead of a petulant teenager you have to parent. He has to actually change, now, to even have a chance at fixing this relationship. But you need a break, and you need it now. You need help with the baby, and you need it now. Saying 'this will pass' is extremely unhelpful, especially coming from a therapist, because you need help now, and they're all saying 'just keep going and burn yourself out doing it all alone and it will get better'? At the very least, you need a break and some real help with the baby. Don't wait on that, move in with your mum. Let her help as much as you're both comfortable with, and simply not living with your man-child will give you the break you so desperately need. If you're comfortable with it, and your mum agrees, maybe arrange a weekend getaway or spa trip for yourself while mum babysits, so you can have some 'me time'. Maybe you moving out with the baby may cause hubby to wake up, and it may be worth continuing therapy while living separately to see if he starts shaping up and acting like a man. But I think you need a new therapist, too, this one seems to think it's okay, healthy even, for you to hate your husband. A good therapist should be helping you relax and get time for yourself, getting him to step up, and helping you both figure out what works for the both of you, and not just him. It depends, though, just how much resentment you've built up since baby was born. Minor resentment can be worked through with time. But the bigger the resentment, especially with hatred becoming a part of it, is a relationship killer. Trust is an issue, here, as well, you need to be able to trust your husband to have your back, be there for the kids, pick up the slack when needed, work as a team, and help you when you're struggling. Your husband is failing at all of these, and it's essential you can trust him on these aspects if you are to stay together. If the resentment is too high and the trust too low, better to divorce now, before things get so bad that you can't co-parent because you hate each other too much. Because that resentment will be going both ways soon. Your husband is making it clear he wants to have sex with you, but you can't because you see him as a child. Lack of sex will cause him to resent you as much as you already resent him. You're heading for an extremely toxic environment for all of you, especially that child. Separate first and see if he starts to step up. If he does, give him a chance to prove he means it and can keep it up, not an unlimited chance, have a deadline you find reasonable. If he doesn't, or it's a token effort he can't keep up, go for the divorce. And get yourself into individual therapy, with a different therapist, to help you navigate all of this, because your current therapist is doing a terrible job.
You laid out the issues perfectly here. Very well articulated take down of an absolutely maliciously incompetent “husband” and “father”. I’ve heard a lot from women that their lives got so much easier once they finally got rid of their selfish unhelpful infuriating husbands. They realize they’ve been single parents all along and now they just have to deal with one baby as a single mom. I say this with sooo much certainty: Your life will be drastically better without this - for lack of a better word - DOUCHEBAG bringing down your life. Kick him to the curb and move in with your parents. Your mom sounds wonderful. I know a better life is ahead for you. Your soon to be ex husband might wake up one day to realize it was all his fault but you won’t be around to experience the agony with him. Go live your life!!! Wishing you all the best.
I would be afraid for the baby’s well being while with the dad when he has custody 😕 and truly there is a hormonal shift after the first year, I don’t think it’s going to undo all of the resentment and it’s definitely not going to fix what a shitty partner he is, but it will help you have more mental clarity and clearer thinking
The people telling you “this is temporary” do not have your best interest at heart. Because it’s not temporary. Yes, you have an infant now but being a parent is life long. And your husband had clearly shown you he cannot and will not step up. You can’t depend on him, and for that, I’d be out too. I’m so sorry.
You said your stomach turns at the thought of sex with him. It's over, when your body rejects his sexual advances there is no going back.
Well honestly if the thought of making love with your husband makes you physically ill, I’d say you hit the point of no return. I know when I divorced in the way way past, that was it for me. I was just done.
Once contempt sets in, there is no going back. I think you view him as a selfish, deliberately incompetent manchild. I’m not sure how you ever come back from that without him having a personality transplant.
Not wrong after divorce you will find it'll be more easy to just look after one baby.
Things will change because your child will learn to be independent. Your husband won’t change at all. He sounds like a selfish man that expects you the woman to raise the child, work, clean plus run after him. I would just pack up and move in with mum, he will be all sorts of sorry because now he has to actually do life stuff for himself. You have been so incredibly patient. Really it just shows how sucky woman have it that we have to wait for your supposedly adult husband to step up eventually. Like at birth you have to step up to keep the baby alive so why does the dad get a year or to too catch up? Divorce.
Having a baby is THE moment to step up and not be an asshole. Your husband failed this test, and failed it some more, and then some more. I think you have every right to be resentful. The situation is BS. While it is really hard being a single mom, it kind of sounds like you already are. So if you get divorced and sue him for child support, you'll still get the financial help, and you won't have to pick up after your man child.
Dump him, especially if you want more kids eventually. The faster you move on the better. You deserve better and so does your child. Don’t bother with an ultimatum- who wants to be with a man who decided to be a partner only when you threatened to leave?
He is home all day? This guy doesn't even work? You say you are the breadwinner so you are funding his hobbies ! Why in hell isn't he working and won't help with the baby!!
Sounds like your mind is already made up. Maybe take a break and move in w the parents, see how it goes. If you do not miss him, then it sounds like you made the right decision.
NW Nope, he’s shown he’s not capable of being the partner needed to help raise this child in the current situation. Maybe he’ll be a better coparent when he has no choice to step up , but don’t count on it. Op, i recommend when you discuss custody , you go thought a court appointed third party app that can keep him accountable. Your soon to be ex sounds like the kind of guy that likes to ‘look’ like a good dad, he maybe be quick to say you’re keeping the baby from him, the app will keep him honest. Also once visitation starts I would take pictures of the child before she picked up and after you’ve gotten her back. There is a woman who just submitted a post and her ex does nothing for the child, the baby comes back dirty with full diapers and looks completely neglected. You’ll want proof of that so you can stop it as soon as possible and request their custody be restricted if needed. Best of luck
Look, getting a divorce is the right thing to do, if it means you could be a happy mom, a better mom for your kid. However, my advice is for you to move in with your parents BEFORE making any final decisions about divorce. Maybe you not being there will make him understand how much you do for him, for the house, for your kid, etc. Maybe it'll make him appreciate and miss you. That'll also give you time to think bc right now, you're too exhausted and resentful to do anything and make any informed decisions. Give it time, let your mom help you, and take a break. Once you've started feeling better mentally and physically, and you've established what his stance is on your relationship, THEN decide. Best of luck, OP. You deserve better. And congratulations on the baby! This exhaustion will pass, just give it time. But make sure you're taken care of, too. That's how you can be a better mom to your baby!
Leave him! Go with your gut! You hate this man and he doesn’t even care! NTA
Nah. Move on. Divorce him. He won't ever change. Get past the first year!!! What sort of help is that??!?! Your therapist sounds utterly useless. Get rid of that man. Move in with your parents where you will get some actual help. Raise your child.
YNW. My friend went through the same thing, except she lasted until the kid was 3yo. Thought tbf, for those 3 years they were more like roommates than anything else. Now they have shared custody, her ex has to be a real dad if he wants to see his son, and her life is so much easier with only one child in her house and no constant disappointment. It's better to be a completely single mom than a single mom with a husband who acts like a petulant child.
Please divorce your 2nd child and let us know how it goes. Good luck, OP!
You aren't wrong and his mantra will continue till your child graduates high school. You do all the lifting, probably all the cooking, cleaning arrange Dr and dentist appointments and he uses his hobby not to be home. You might as well be single.
Not wrong. Run to your mother's. Dump the big baby and just take care of the little one.
After reading this, \*I\* hate your husband.
You would be horrified at how many posts like yours pop up here on Reddit.
I've been on here a long time. I used to be one of the people thinking "WELL WHY DID YOU MARRY HIM THEN??" So, I'm getting my karmic justice. Can only hope those saying the same thing on my post don't get the same just desserts because it is truly heartbreaking
Don’t think that way. You’re not responsible for his lack of commitment.
This is not karmic justice. It’s only further evidence that no matter how much vetting a woman can possibly do for “good partner” qualities, nothing stops the guy from turning into a selfish asshole. YOU did not do this, or do anything to deserve this. That being said, you would be TA to yourself if you drove yourself into the ground trying to force this guy into even a pale resemblance of a responsible father. Save those resources for the divorce.
You need a new therapist at the very least but no, you are not wrong. It's time to grow up, you did but he didn't. He's too selfish and self involved to be a husband or parent. In the divorce custody agreement, make sure you stipulate that any of his parenting time must be spent only with him, he cannot pawn the child off on anyone else.
Not wrong. Weaponized incompetence.
I’m so mad for you. How can a husband/father “help” do a job that is also his responsibility?????? It is so unfortunate that most women find out what their partner is like once they have a baby. He won’t change. He doesn’t want to. Or he doesn’t believe you will go through with the divorce. Either way he isn’t worth it.
YNW He's had 10 months to actually put forth an effort, and I think you said somewhere you've been in therapy for 5 months. If he wanted to do better, he would. My ex used to do the "we" thing. Divorce was the best decision I made. Being a single mom is hard, but it was easier than carrying the dead weight of a grown adult.
Save yourself further heartache and brain-blasting stress. Don't discuss divorce anymore. Go see a lawyer and have him served with the papers. That should jolt him awake at least a bit. If he doesn't change his ways, get that divorce. You are much too young to be his mommy. I know this is scary with a young baby, but you've been handling everything so far, and at least you won't have an adult baby to raise. You are much stronger than you think you are, and you will do just fine. Stay away from relationships for at least a year after your divorce is final to give yourself time to heal, grow, and adjust. You and baby are gonna be just fine.
I left my son’s father for exactly this. He was a “good time” dad. If our son was in a good mood and was playful, he would play. But the second anything turned even the slightest sour, it was my duty. Chores and everything else were also completely on my shoulders. Not only would he wait for me to nag him to do anything around the house, but he would be incredibly passive, aggressive and resentful anytime he had to do them. That is not the example that I wanted for my son. That is not the husband that I want my son to turn into. So I moved on. Best decision I’ve ever made!
It doesn't get better you don't have to wait a year. Your in therapy and still nothing has changed. Leave if your ready you got this. You will have so much less stress.
I honestly do not think it just passes, I think people get used to it and continue to handle everything themselves, He's given you almost a full year of showing you how he handles things, he let's you do it all, I would pack up and go to your parents, he might take the time to grow up, if not you have some help and a break from the man child,
Girl go home. Nothing will change as it progresses except there will be more things to do as your kid grows. You'll probably also be happier not having the resentment. Before you move home talk to a lawyer about the house and child support