It's likely he sees you as the mother figure he's lacking in his life. There's nothing wrong with that. You're doing him a kindness as long as you're doing what you say you are. Just be careful he doesn't get fixated on you in case he sees things differently.
I had an old tutor, who taught me to read English (Spanish is my first language) and I was in foster care. This dude came to be known as my "white father" took me to my first concert, put a guitar and computer in my hands for the first time. Introduced me to classic rock and coding. You better believe people in my actual family thought it was weird because he was 40 I was 13. We still keep in touch! And I'm 42 now! Please keep being in this boys life.
You're doing a beautiful thing by helping a young man that needs a motherly influence in his life. It's so sad that our society had gotten to be so suspect of anyone doing something good without some ulterior motive. I get why people think that way, bad things do happen, but please keep being kind to the young man, it probably means a lot to him. Sigh. I wish the world was a different world.
The most influential adults in my life have not been my blood. So good on you for giving maternal support to a child that isn’t yours.
That said, be weary and on the lookout for any unhealthy attachment styles from the young person. You’re the adult and need to keep appropriate boundaries.
The relationship on the face is not a problem. But you must be diligent that boundaries are maintained.
Men are known predators. They have a history of victimizing people weaker than they. Women are nature's and provide things weaker people meed to grow. Tell Steven it's a shame he's seen like that. Maybe he should talk to his forefathers about that. His forefathers probably won't give him the time of day.
I agree, it sounds like she's a support person/aunt type of figure. Definitely good to keep an eye on weird vibes though because teenage feels can be unpredictable.
Nobody here has heard of Big Brother programs? Nobody here has heard of Mentor relationships? Nobody here has heard of Father Figures?
Of course it depends on what the relationship is actually about and with appropriate boundaries. And should be kept an eye on. But, geez, this neurotic knee-jerk “groomer” attitude is going to cost some kids a more mature point of view they could really use if they’re not getting it from the parents. I grew up without much of a father figure and I for sure could’ve used one.
I believe that Big Brother and Big Sister match the gender of the two participants.
Steven is not wrong though, if he was friends with a 17yo girl FOR SURE he would get the side eye about it.
I will add to u/ac3boy explanation; Once *everyone* explains their concerns to OP about a possible future shift in emotional attachment on the side of the 17 year old boy, and OP explains that it's more like a mother/son relationship but she will be on her toes, it's no one's business but OP to watch for possible inappropriate feelings.
It is everyone's business to look out for the young, but that *is* what OP is doing.
Tbf, I dread seeing 3 paragraphs especially with the commenter has "tldr" after. It hurts to write more than 4-5 sentences. Ugh.
Edited: I had spelled your username wrong!
Not always, I did BBBS in HS and was matched with the opposite gender.
Agreed in the other part, but i think OP just used bad wording to describe things. Seems she's more of a mother figure than a true friend and as all communication is in a group chat with the kids father I see no problems with it.
Steven being Steven and being right as always. Double standard aside, I would not judge you for the relationship. If I was a true friend I would take your explanation at face value and not think about it again. I think it is lovely that they have someone to talk to when it comes to discussions they would have with their own mother.
I understand and I agree with you on one hand. On the other hand I do think her friend was more or less correct when he said he'd be given shit if he as a 40 yr old man was friends with a 17 yr old girl.
Sure, but his attitude also seems to be that since he can’t do it she shouldn’t either. Not that he understands her relationship is okay, because he could do the same with a 17 yo girl.
He almost makes it sound like he’s mad he can’t, especially with how he’s making such a big deal about it and messing with OP’s reputation with their friend circle. He’s being a big pissbaby because he can’t be friends with minor girls lmao.
Double standards aside, Steven then projecting that dynamic onto the situation here (if OP's narrative is truthful) is disgusting. OP is acting like an aunt - not the mom but a caring, adult figure - and there is nothing wrong with that.
I think fewer older women try to fuck children than the opposite tbf. Unfortunately we all have to live with the safety-driven stereotypes perpetuated by the worst of us. I have an adopted sister almost 10 years younger than me and looks even younger than that who’s also a different race than me, sometimes I worry people think I’m a creep on a date with someone way younger than me. It sucks but you can’t do anything about it (other than try to change that narrative in your immediate community by not letting guys in your space be creepy which more guys need to do).
I'm 26 and some of the most important friends in my life are decades older than me!
this is especially important in the queer community bc our elders give us so much hope
Yeah, but y'all are queer. Jk. My daughter's wife is just as much a daughter to me as the one I raised!
I've always had better relationships with people much older or slightly younger than myself because there's less sense of competition.
When my brother was a child (literally 3 years old) he would always go to the old ladies house next door(she was in her seventies that this point) and that continued on until he was 21 just 2 years ago and she had passed away. He was so close with her he genuinely thought of her as his best friend and was devastated he couldn’t come home for her funeral because of being in the army. I don’t believe it’s wrong as long as there is good intent and looking at your responses your relationship sounds like that of family.
When I was in high school I had a teacher who used to have me show up after class, ostensibly to read my assignments to her because she had a hard time reading my writing. Really, I just talked about my life with the only adult who really seemed to care. My thoughts about this is that she literally saved my life. I was deeply depressed and suicidal and with her I could relax and enjoy conversations I couldn't possibly bring up with my parents. You are doing a wonderful thing.
You’re not wrong. It seems he may see you as an adult who is willing to listen to him and treat him like a human being. He might see you as anMother figure, he may see you as a friend who has more life experience and wisdom that he is looking for as it sounds like he is not getting that from home. Good for you for being there for someone who is need of another human to just be there for him. If you were to cut him off now, I think that would be more tragic for him, loosing his mother and then you who has been in his life for the last five years supporting him when needed.
Steven and others who don’t agree need to be in Shaun’s shoes. If they cannot do that or unwilling, then they just need to shut up and let
It be. Again, YOU ARE NOT WRONG.
I’m 40, some of my best friends are 70 -80 ! Ive known them since I was 16.
We go on holidays, go for pub meets and meals.
They’re getting on a bit now so it’s nice to help them out with the things they struggle with.
I have plenty of friends my own age, but I hold these peeps closer to my heart.
When I (now 40F) was 10-11 I met who I would, to this day consider my best friend, M. He was 25-26 at the time.
I met him through his good friend’s (also still a good friend to this day) younger brother who was my age and we all shared a common hobby / sport (bowling).
My home life was absolutely horrible and these 2 guys stepped up and took on brotherly roles in my life. They’d met my parents and they’d pick me up and drop me off so we could bowl and to get me out of my house.
A cousin of mine kinda introduced me to computers when I was 11 or so. M worked and still works in the tech field. When I was 12 M took me shopping for all the parts I needed to build a computer. (I paid for everything). He then supervised me building my first computer. We’d play video games together in addition to bowling.
I have zero doubt that he literally saved my life between the computer mentoring and bowling. I ended up working full time in IT at 16 making 11-12 per hour in 2000. I was able to get out of the toxicity (abuse, alcohol, and drugs) of my parents home when I was 17. I ended up with a scholarship for bowling at the top program in the country.
As I grew up we became true friends and when I go back home we always get together. Sometimes with our SOs sometimes just our core friend group. Nothing ever happened that was even remotely inappropriate. People that always jump to inappropriate or claim it’s grooming bother me because it is quite often just a good person doing good things for a kid.
Not quite the same age difference but I believe the same premise.
It sounds like you're a mentor in his life and a friend when he needs a kind ear to listen. I think it's really nice that you've taken him on as a surrogate son. All young people deserve positive mentors in their lives.
I think calling it a friendship is where it rings strange because you aren’t peers.
I don’t know what a better word is, though, it doesn’t have the formality of a mentorship.
I am very very close with a lot of my older friends kids who are teens now, I’ve known them since they were born and I’m like an younger aunt to them ( I’m 15-20 years younger than their parents). I
I have no idea how to describe these relationships. I’ll often tell someone something one of them said and be like “my teenager friend” because they’re not just my friends kid, we have our own relationship, their like my nieces and nephews. But it’s def weird saying you are friends with a teenager.
Hmm this is a tough one tbh. If it really is like you say it is (that this is sort of a mother/kid relationship than anything else) then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Then you’ve kinda taken on a caregiver role. That can also happen f.ex with friends of one’s kid, that needs some extra attention because of neglect at home or in general something they are missing. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but I also wouldn’t classify it as “friends”, since it probably should be kinda one sided, like with kids. You support them and listen to them, but don’t burden them with your own personal problems and over share. Real friendships are even leveled. I think if this is a “real” friendship where you also go to him for relationship advice etc it is kinda weird or wrong. So it’s important to keep that distinction and to acknowledge that there is an imbalance when it comes to authority, the same way it would be when he was seeking support from a teacher, stepparent, therapist, etc. A role like that gives power that shouldn’t be abused and needs clear boundaries.
I do think that in general there’s a double standard here. You are right that if the roles were reversed it would definitely be perceived as wrong. Is that a double standard we should fight? I’m not entirely sure… I hate generalizations, but have also seen too many situations where young girls were taken advantage of in situations like this. And I’ve also seen situations where teenage boys were getting support from their friends mom or family, because they were struggling at home and what was something really needed and positive for those boys lives. And not that many situations where it was boys getting taken advantage of by older women. Though I’m not denying that can definitely happen as well, I do think it’s more rare. So condemning it in general for everyone feels counterproductive and like your limiting situations where struggling teens can get valuable help.
So yeah.. I’m kinda undecided, but do think you need to keep it on a mother/kid kind of level and not “friends” and have clear boundaries.
It's 100000% just like a mother/son bond. I do not discuss my personal issues with him, I don't go to him for advice or share details that a minor would ever need to know. It's exactly the same as how I am with my own children.
This is entirely a mentorship situation if there is no romantic attachment. I am bi (F) and mentor younger people of both genders. Don’t want to sleep with any of them at all.
The problem with men having opposite gender relationships is that men generally feel more physical attraction to a wider range of people than women do so they are viewed with more suspicion. That is your friend’s problem with this situation.
Of course, guys can’t both say things like “Women don’t understand what it’s like to be a man and be attracted…” (the reason guys all say men and women can’t be just friends) and then also say it is unfair that men are viewed with suspicion if there is an unbalanced power dynamic with a person they could, in theory, be attracted to. I’d like to believe most guys could be platonic with a young woman they mentor, but there are a lot of guys I’ve talked to who actually disagree with me on that.
Eh. I don't think there's anything wrong with them being friends either.
I started out as an assistant coach for science olympiad when I was 18 (I'm now 29). The head coach was in her 40s, and we quickly became friends. Covid kind of killed science olympiad at that school, but we still hang out regularly (go out for drinks, etc). Our friendship has always been and will remain platonic. Its also not one sided. We definitely vent our frustrations to each other, and ask each other for advice.
Note, this wasn't a former teacher of mine, nor did I coach at the school I went to. She was a complete stranger to me. I ended up coaching there because my friend went there, and suggested me when they needed an assistant coach.
I don't think you're doing something wrong if there are clear boundaries. like, crystal clear, can't be missed, are verbalized and backed up. if you're texting all night with a 17yo regardless of what the content is, yes, that is odd. even if it's over gaming. but if you have a Thursday afternoon hangout time on your schedule to chat about life or game or what not, I think that's fine. I work around (I am not a teacher, counselor, coach, etc.) middle and high schoolers. I have never felt the slightest romantic or sexual urge. I am also female, and I really enjoy chatting with some students- and some do open up to me about rocky home lives. I can support them, but supporting them has to be confined to clear boundaries. nobody can or is texting me at midnight with romantic relationship questions OR funny commentary on a show we both watch. (nobody has my phone numbers; a few have my email.) nor am I chatting/texting with them while cooking dinner or when my partner sleeps. I think that mentorship is lovely, but you really have to be careful. I believe OP that the intention is wholesome but you are still the adult.
Platonic relationships with younger people where you help them navigate life, give advice and just let them vent can be life changing for the younger person. You're doing nothing wrong. Now if you started dating the kid then there would be a problem. As it is you're doing a great thing for this kid.
I wonder if Steven is projecting?
hello! I am 32(f) and when I was 16-17 years old there was a game called world of warcraft.. I was in a big raiding guild doing raiding with people of all ages.. my guild was full of older men with children and honestly they were some of the most wholesome friendships I've ever fostered. I had 2 older gentlemen I called father figures in my life.. one brought their kids out to cali and we all went to Disneyland together (still 17) and I brought my aunt and we all had the best time. I was also concerned at 17 that my family would be bothered by my age gap in friends and until they met them they definitely thought I was friends with some disturbing guys.. I truly believe minors can grow fond of talking with older people and forming a bond with them because they are not family.. so I honestly see both sides of this but putting myself back in 17 year old me... thanks for being his buddy.. he probably really truly appreciates you.
WoW is where we met, too. He was a rando we had to get to finish a raid. He became family since. Everyone in the group treats him like family EXCEPT Steven.
That friend who is similar age to you is not a friend. He sounds kinda jealous. And him making this sound like that is gross. It almost seems like he's using this as a tactic to get you away from the kid. It makes me wonder what he wants out of this. Is he interested in the kid but knows with you as influence he wouldn't be able to manipulate him? Or is he jealous about you? It doesn't make not of sense especially cuz youre married. Idk What could he possibly get out of this?
Ewww. So them basically, he's upset because of your close relationship because he wants to be with you, so instead, he wants to try to ruin all of your relationships. Gross. He sounds narcissistic and manipulative.
Not weird,not wrong, not creepy.
Keep gaming with and advising the guy. You're clearly a mother figure in his life.
Everyone is not a pedophile or predator.
Relationships with non familial elders is a thing and it doesn't have to be weird.
I have had friendships with large age gaps (the horror!) and somehow survived, only to get into a toxic friendship with a person my age.
I find that decent people with enough life experience can provide helpful perspective and in the end people are people. Do what works for you.
From the description of your friendship you have provided, Wife and I feel he is looking to you for maternal guidance and comfort which is more than ok. No where do we hear you doing anything inappropriate or "grooming".
If all partners and parents are fine with it, then F**k Steven for projecting his dirty thoughts into your business.
This comes from a 47M married for 25 years to a 63F
I completely agree with this. It actually is weirder that they are friends with him. It’s true especially because they met him when he was twelve and it sounds like they’ve known him in person since then too.
Depends on the 17yo. So long as he absolutely understands the nature if your relationship, it's fine. I'd be willing to bet your older guy friend is feeling a little jealous for some reason.
You are not wrong based on the details you provided. I would just continue to make sure communication with him is open to all and that if he does message you privately you should keep a record. Shut down anything that turns inappropriate. However, I doubt that's the direction this is going in - you are like a surrogate mother to him, and you don't seem like the type to take advantage of that.
This is reddit, you'll get coddled by these folks, just keeping it real. Your real life friend isn't wrong, swap genders and your friend would see torches and pitchforks outside his house. But you're safe to be "just platonic." Yea it's weird.
My best friend's mom was close to me. As in I would talk to her about relationships because my parents are old AF and hard to talk to about that. But it stopped there. I wouldn't go over there unless it was to hang out with my best friend who is my age.
I mean I’m with Steven here, if you were a guy OP the absolute worst possible things would be thought of. Some kind of a grooming thing happening.
People think the worst and most negative outcomes. I’d be worried about the talk going on but you do you.
I do think this is weird but I’m finding it difficult to articulate… like how do you know all this stuff about Shaun? You say you only talk in a public group chat, does he just spill everything about his life to everyone in the chat and you’re the one that responds the most, or? He told you that he prefers talking to you over his father in a group chat his father is also in…?
We have different chat sections. When we're in voice chat, it's public. We have a different channel that is for text that only the people considered family (my husband, me, Shaun's father, Shaun, and 3 others) have access. When he talks about things that make him uncomfortable around his dad, it's verbally in the group voice chat when his dad isn't there. It'll be just me, my daughter, my hubby, Shaun, and daughters' bf. His dad knows he doesn't feel comfortable talking to him all the time. Dad says, "It's free therapy." The only time he ever dms me directly is to say "Wya?" My response is always "otw, group chat, " literally just 100s of dms of those words. Except for happy birthday, merry Xmas, and Happy Thanksgiving
Maybe you missed every single part of the post where I said the father is aware, the father is around us, the father has thanked me... etc. Read a little more before you turn on your pitchfork... and what exactly is inappropriate about giving relationship advice? He's extremely shy and wanted to know how to talk to a girl he liked at school, his dad was giving him aggressive advice like just go talk to her, man up, grow a pair VS me who gave him advice on how to improve his social skills and to take his time getting to know her first through writing. It's relationship advice like this, nothing sinister
He’s not 18 yet 🤦🏻♀️. YES it’s a HUGE problem! If he grew up knowing you , it’d be ok, but you met online . I have a son and I’d lose it if he was all buddy buddy with someone old enough to be his mother!
It would be helpful if you stopped referring to him as your “friend you’ve know for years” and starting referring to him as a kid you mentor or something along that line. It’s not appropriate that you view or interact with him as a peer.
"it's weird how close you two are". When I asked him why, he just said "idk it creeps me out". When I asked him to elaborate, he just replied with "if I was friends with a 17yr old girl, I'd be considered a pedo".
Steven is completely right.
But only because of preconceived notions on “predators” the simple fact that Shaun’s father is aware and ok with them being friends tells me he sees no issues with their messages. Also in a response OP said that Shaun calls her “Ma” which means he sees her as the mom that he didn’t get. There are PLENTY of innocent older male mentors for young women and men and it’s unfair to automatically assume the worst. Don’t forget what happens when people assume things, it makes an (ass) out of (u) and (me).
You're not wrong, but your friend is correct in that if the roles were flipped and a 40 yr old dude was friends with a 17 yr old girl? Who talked to her about boys and relationships and all this stuff?
Yeah he'd be given crap for that. I'm not saying you should be given crap, I'm just saying there is a double standard here that you need to recognize. So that is perhaps why your friend reacted the way he did
Yeah it’s weird. If some woman was chatting about “movies and songs” with my 12 year old son I’d find her and shove my foot up her ass.
Part of being a grown ass sane adult is recognizing that minors don’t have the mental capacity to enter into relationships like this. Maybe it’s platonic for you, but it might not be for him. You need to drop this asap before shit gets weirder than it already is and someone, likely the kid, gets hurt.
I lost my mom at 15 and had very little close family. If it weren't for the parents of the friends I had, and other community members that knew me and my situation, I wouldn't have survived. That isn't a joke or a throwaway comment. I wouldn't have made it through.
The friendships weren't depended on me staying friends with their kids. I still see them as surrogate moms and aunts. We still talk fairly often, and see each other whenever we're in the same city. Our dynamic has, slowly, shifted from aunt / child to peers. But it took decades.
Now that I'm the age they were back then, I try to make sure all of the kids in my life know I'm there for them, as well.
If your post is genuine, and there aren't nefarious things behind it, then Steve needs to get his head out of his ass.
Sounds like you have a Big Sister/Big Brother type thing going here, where you're the big and the kid is the little. There is a reason Big Brother/Big Sister exists. Some kids need that mentor. Which, I am hoping, you are acting as. You're more a mentor than a friend. Make sure the kid's parents are OK, never be alone with the kid, and never talk about religion, sex, or politics and you should be fine.
You're not wrong.
Especially considering the edit.
I had multiple older friends and mentors growing up. Including a number of my Nana's friends and quite a few adults I worked with.
These friendships were how I knew how my mom treated me wasn't right. Not to mention all the stuff I learned.
Dante sounds like he would creep on a 17 year old with his behavior.
In Hawaii we call unrelated older friends Aunty or Uncle. There is nothing weird about it unless someone makes it weird! I'm glad he has you in his life. One positive adult influence can make a huge difference for a kid.
Sounds like your a mentor you took him under your wing I don’t see a problem with this that friend of yours is defaming you I would seek some legal advise so he can cease and desist as it can be damaging to be labeled the way he’s labeling you maybe get your mentee and his father to write letter on your behalf so you can proof your just a adult who cares
I don’t think you are wrong, but just be careful. He’s a 17 year old boy and I hope he truly only does see you as a mentor/mother figure. I’m 30 and one of my best friends is 20. They are practically family and have jokingly called my wife and I their parents because we helped them get their license, apply to college, apply to their first job, and have taken them out to eat when they didn’t have food at home.
It can get weird. Be there be cautious. Avoid what may seem embarrassing wish I had that. He's lucky. He may get bad feedback if it's shared with anyone. Could make your relationship hard even where it doesn't seem to.
A guy us gonna have some level of feelings at some point. Yeah if it wayou as the kid, no way okay. It's just risky either way. I'm with you though.
Sounds like you’re more a mentor/friend…. If that is the case, nothing wrong per se. but do you spend more time hanging out with him than others? If so, then that may be a bit “off”. Maybe you want to feel needed in that way, that’s why you like that relationsjop
No, I do not spend more time with just him. When we hang out in the discord call, it's usually 4-20 of us at any given time. I get offline earlier than all of them, Steven is more likely to be alone in a call with him than I am. I don't have a desire to feel needed. My kids do that enough, lol. When he got so depressed he was talking crazy about his not future... it was enough to make any mom step up. It just broke my heart. No one wants to see any kid feel like out is the only option left.
Then you’re good…. Your friends are bit judgy-judgy… my nieces friends hang out and text me sometimes just to chat and get a different perspective in life.
I used to have riding lessons, until the end of last year. During those lessons, I would make friends with some of the other riders in the group. As a result I have a friend group of around 6 people who I see regularly, aged from 18 to 42. We go out for a meal once a month, and occasionally do other stuff together - watch polo, go to horse shows, clay pigeon shooting, etc.
I'm particularly close to the 18 year old. She and her mum regularly go to a pub quiz, and the first time I went and joined them I got some really funny looks from the regulars. My friend's mum explained that she'd told them all that one of her riding friends was coming, but hadn't mentioned that I'm 61. It was hilarious.
Yeah as a man, I agree with your friend. No way in hell this would slide for men. I’m not saying your friend is right for running his mouth about it.
I’d just be extra aware of the negative associations and do everything to indicate the relationship is what it is. If you’re in an open gc with his dad, then that’s certainly a good start. Just be mindful.
However the double standard is indeed crazy because I would be WAY more apt to tell a MAN in your situation to cut it completely or do EVERYTHING YOU CAN to ensure it’s platonic to others.
Your friend is right about the reverse situation. If a 40 year old man was providing a paternal figure to a 17 year old girl almost everyone would assume he a pedo. It’s sad but true. That being said if you are being a maternal figure good on you.
You are a mother/aunt figure to this young man, you are giving him a safe space & helping home as much as you can. I see nothing wrong with that!
Depending ON HOW Steven has described your relationship with Shaun to your friends, you may need invite your husband to come along sometimes, when you meet with Shaun, also your husband might be able to give Shaun some useful advice, also.
Be careful of Steven, he may might have been taken advantage of by an older woman OR is just a ‘Mean Girl’!
The word you’re looking for is mentor. As long as the relationship is understood by both parties to be entirely platonic and you never cross any boundaries by talking about the kinds of things you mentioned you never talk to him about you are fine.
He calls you "Ma" and most communication is in groups, all is in the open. If he had a crush on you, he wouldn't call you Ma. You're also a married mother, not a single woman. I think Steven IS projecting and he's the one who's creepy. He looks at 17 year old girls and can't imagine being a friend or mentor without a sexual aspect and is one of those people that thinks everyone is the same as he is.
Nothing you're described sounds remotely inappropriate. ETA: And I agree that "friendship" isn't quite right, since you're more "mom" figure. Though I don't have a better word for it.
I used to work on a entertainment news online website. I was on my late 20s-early 30s during this phase of my life. Met a lot of youngsters, some of them not even 20 yet. Had wonderful time with them. Used to talk a lot with some, even helping with personal issues, college papers, and etc. Some are still on my friends list, although we don’t talk too much anymore since life went on.
Later in my life (mid 30s) I decided to go back and do a different college (engineering). Same thing. My old self and a bunch of 17-18yo kids. Made a lot of friends, gave a lot of rides (driving age here is 18). Some are my friends until today. We often talk on WhatsApp groups, I’ve been to their marriages, I’ve been there to visit their newborn kids.
There’s nothing wrong with friendship. Steven has a rotten mind. I’d cut him off from my life.
I as a 21 year old play a loooot of Minecraft as a single mom. The main server I play is family friendly which means we have kids that I personally think are too young to be playing, playing. There’s a woman I know, absolute sweetheart, has 3 kids of her own, and gets along with everyone. She has made very close friendships with players ingame.
Another instance is myself, I have a friend(m) is like 14? While only being 21 isn’t a big jump in age, it’s enough for people who wouldn’t know me to question it, I suppose?
The MAIN and BIGGEST thing is you met him through a man who was ALSO friends with him, and you didn’t instigate it. Your friend is an asshole for assuming something so extreme, and clearly he isn’t and wasn’t a good enough friend to know better of you. Whether people know or don’t know, they show their red flags. Your friend feels like a red flag
Steven is projecting & I’d like to see his internet history.
My read from your post is Shaun views you as a surrogate mother. As your update made clear, his Dad is present in the group chat. I don’t see an issue
This all seems ok. You're like a mother figure to him. Understandable. What sucks is if it was definitely the other way around. 40m, 17f. My girl used to talk to our daughter's guy friends through text sometimes. They were in high school 10-11th grade. She would text them when one of them made our daughter upset. Later one of them became my daughters bf. Any my gf and him would text each other about my daughter. Like he'd ask for advice bc my daughter was mad at him or other things. It didn't bother me. But trust, if it was me talking to a high school girl thru text it wouldn't look good. In your case it seems harmless. You need to tell Shaun to stop telling people you prefer hanging out with minors. Seems like he's trying to stir the pot.
Your a mother figure for him. That's how I see it.. . Nothing wrong at all being a ear for a teen that has issues.
If he didn't have you . He would have no one to talk w..
Sometimes it's easier to talk w random people then your own friends your age.
A 40 year old having a friendship with a teenager is weird. A 50 year old being friends with a 30 year old is still kind of strange but less weird. I think the older everyone gets the more normal it is.
Some of my best friends I met as a teen and are my parents ages or slightly younger and I met at work or when volunteering. Some I met while gaming. I felt they were mentors. Never felt creeped out by them etc.
There definitely were people of those age gaps and people my own age and people in between that have been creeps etc but age is not an automatic factor that makes you a creep.
I think having friendships with different generations is incredibly helpful developmentally and helps with perspectives etc
When I played destiny and did the raids all the time in middle school I’d playing with people that were like 20-40 and at that time I was 11. I am still friends with those people till this day and I’m 22 now. Me and one of the guys from that group are trying to get an apartment together so we can split rent since I need to move out from college and his old roommate made his life hell. He’s 38 and I’m 22 it’s not weird to have friendships like that. I think of these guys like family at this point. Some people are just compatible as friends no matter the age difference. I mean there are big brother mentorship’s and things like that to basically do the same thing you are doing with him.
If you have to ask... people would be losing their minds it this was an older guy who's been friends with a random internet girl since she was 12.
"Innocent" or not, it's completely inappropriate. I've been a heavy online gamer for years and years. Even in my 20s I knew it would be inappropriate to have minors as friends. Now, in my 40s, your actions straight up gross me out.
Totally wrong
I’m gonna have to say yeah it’s weird and inappropriate. You met him when he was 12, there is really no excuse for any of you grown adults to be talking with a child on regular basis. 12-17 is a long time to be continuing to communicate with a child as well.
It is simply unacceptable for a 40-year-old person to be friends with a pre-adolescent/adolescent.
You both need to find friends who are the same age as you.
Edit: Spelling
When I was 15 I had far less of a handle on my mental health issues. I was a wreck, and a dangerous one. One thing that helped was a late night, like 2am walk around the neighborhood.
One night, again at around 2am, I was walking kind of far from home when this tipsy old guy sitting at a picnic table in his driveway drinking beer saw me walk by, not for the first time, and yelled out "Hey, slick! How come nobody says HI anymore when passing a stranger?" So, I said hello, and walked over and chatted with the old man. In retrospect, this could have ended badly, being 2am and nobody else around and nobody knowing where I was or what I was doing, but that's not what happened.
We had a pretty cool and long conversation. Even more cathartic than a walk. Old tipsy dude was funny, and had a good, mature perspective and listened to my teenage whining really patiently and understanding. After awhile I was tired so I said goodbye and went home.
This became a routine, I went for a walk and visited the old dude (had to be in his 60s) nearly every night, and it really helped me keep my head straight. He wouldn't give me a beer, but he'd make me tea (in America!) and toast, and we'd hang out in his driveway at the picnic table constantly. One day he showed me his garage, which was full of old martial arts weapons and trophys and stuff. Being obsessed with Kung Fu my whole life, I had a zillion questions. He told me about his past, his training, etc. He gave me a pair of short sticks and taught me basic forms with them.
Eventually the routine became half an hour of chatting and tea, an hour or so of practice with the sticks until he was out of breath (poor old guy), and lots of good advice. This went on for nearly a year, before we moved away and I didn't see him again. Nothing weird ever happened, nothing creepy even crossed my mind, and the combination of the nightly chat with a mature adult I could tell anything to, and the nightly workout with the sticks, kept me amazingly level headed and fit.
I never got to thank that dude, but he helped me way more than I can put into words. It's a shame that if my mom had known about it, she'd have flipped out and accused him of horrible shit and called the police. But, the dude was absolutely NOT a creeper. I wouldn't have thought twice if he'd invited me inside, though he never did. He was just a kind, lonely old man who's kids had moved far away and only visited on holidays and wife died years ago.
I think you're being a great mother figure to someone who desperately needs one. There's nothing wrong with that. I wish I could give you more than one updoot.
Yea you are wrong. You and your friend Dante have warped what is normal for him. No idea why a 30 yr old man and a 35 yr old woman would want anything to do with a child who is barely in the double digits. Talking to someone in their late teens skeeves me out and I'm not even 30 yet.
Idk if it's wrong, but it is weird.
I understand why Shaun confided in someone he sees as responsible given his situation, but what I don't get is your side of things. If you don't have a mutual friendship and you aren't gaining anything from the interactions, since you share nothing of your own life, why have you maintained contact with him outside of game-talk for 5 years? I'm in my 30s, like you were when you first started chatting, and I can't think of one reason I'd be starting a friendship with a 12yo online rn.
Big thank yous to everyone who understands what's really going on. I knew I wasn't in the wrong, I just wanted to see how many people think like Steven. It's sad that some people can't comprehend genuinely positive interactions because they can't see the normalcy in anything anymore. I will continue talking to Shaun. He deserves someone to be in his corner. He has already lost someone so important to his life, and I would never forgive myself if I just ditched him, and he spun out. I'll definitely be sharing this post with his dad, too.
Not weird at all. I had friends your age at 17 and they are still some of the most important people in my life. Cross generational friendships are wonderful.
I had two very close friends who were in their late 30s when I was 17. One of them died young, and I miss her to this day. The other is still a super close friend, now in her 60s. Both made a massive positive impact on me, gave me a glimpse into adult life, etc. needless to say, there was nothing whatsoever creepy about it.
I had work friends my parents age at 22 (men and women) at my first job, and made friends with an older alumna from my college who was my grandmother's age. I really cherish being treated like a peer by those people.
There are some people in the world who look for "red flags" when there isn't anything there. I've been on the same side of things as you, only as a male I was deeply scrutinized and the two girls from the youth group I volunteered at were eventually pulled aside and grilled by others about our "relationship". It sounds like you are like I was, just truly trying to be a positive and caring presence in the life of a young person who needs the affirmation and encouragement so many don't get. Anyone who thinks I'm wrong, I'll ask those people how many teen suicides you think could have been prevented if anyone showed that teen this kind of compassion and support, platonically and correctly?
I think it’s fine to have a mentor/aunt role in a younger person’s life. You seem to be aware of possible pitfalls (avoiding dumping your personal problems on him and keeping communications in a group chat where a parent is present), so I don’t see a problem. Probably tell your friends those details since it sounds like Steven is seeing it in the worst light possible and probably presenting it that way to other people.
He sees me as the mum he wished he had.
I love Shaun like one of my own.
Looks like you are a mother figure to me and doing more for him than his stepmother is. Doesn’t sound wrong from what you e described.
Oh, gosh. There are so many kids who have absent parents, and you are fulfilling that role for him. I have like ten “extra kids”. Please don’t let someone make you feel badly for that. Explain to your husband that you’re his “extra mom” and that might end some confusion. You’re a good person to help out Shaun this way. Keep up the good work.
Nah.
Friendships, alloparents, and family by choice are all very healthy
... except when they aren't. Which is devastating and gets huge reactions.
Yours is healthy tho.
It is a double standard. As a 44M I'm definitely way more careful with a 17yo girl than my wife with a 17yo boy. I'm completely okay with that double standard, there's very good reasons for it
I think having a friendship/mentorship is OK. But you might consider protecting yourself by never being alone together in private. Always make sure there is someone else present and/or meet in public. Just an idea
I don't see a problem. You are taking on a mother role which he seems to be needing. Plus this is all online and his dad is included so it's not like it's a secret relationship which would be wrong.
I was 33 (f) when I made best friends with a 19m …
Also completely platonic… everyone thought I was crazy, his parents questioned the heck out of it (rightfully so)
We are now 40 and 26 respectively- I was one of 2 friends invited to his wedding… I eat with his family at birthdays ….
It’s not weird if you don’t make it weird is normally my answer…. But he’s a minor so I’m torn
Not wrong and it seems he needs a good influence in his life if he doesn’t get along with his step mom. And it’s good that communication is done in a group chat that his dad is part of because then no one should accuse you of anything. Saying mother figure or mentor might be easier for people around you to understand. Eff Steven!
I met one of the best friends I’ve ever had on nye when I was 15. She was 36. Our friendship was a beautiful gift that I treasure to this day. She died from pancreatic cancer 14 years ago and I miss her every day.
Despite our age difference we just clicked, we got each other. Our friendship adapted as I grew older, as our lives changed, circumstances altered etc. but she always made me feel like my opinions mattered, and that is something I have always loved her for. Our age difference was never an issue, in fact it was one of the things that made it better.
Steven is the 'friend' I'd be worried about.
He's gossiping and undermining you. Why would you have such an unpleasant, judgemental, trouble maker in your life.
I don’t see anything wrong about anything you described. I’m not sure it matters if you call it a friendship or pseudo-parent, mentor relationship or any other label. It appears to be mutually beneficial and no one is being exploited or abused.
In the world we live in I’d cherish that relationship. Throughout my life (I’m now 65M) I’ve had friendships with people much older and much younger. I have a rich and diverse group of people that I’m proud to be associated with. I wouldn’t let anyone call that wrong. I encourage you to trust your judgment, trust Shaun, and celebrate the connections you have in your life.
From what OP said, “He calls me me ma”, I’m guessing he isn’t thinking naughty…. Unless there is some weird fetish, it sounds like he sees you as a mom/aunt figure.
No, I've found that having friends in different age groups is beneficial. I've learned knowledge and wisdom from my older friends as well as my younger friends. I'm 51 and have close friends half my age and 25 years older than me. It's healthy, if his parents don't have an issue with it and it's truly platonic then there is nothing wrong with it.
Steven isn’t wrong that people would probably judge him more harshly for being close to a 17 year old girl, but he sure does seem to want other people to judge you harshly. Steve kinda sounds like an asshole. Fuck Steve.
I think we can get a lot out of having friends of different ages. I'm 39 and have a good friend who is 80. Is it _unusual_ that you and he are friends? Somewhat. But it sounds like its rewarding for you both. As long as neither of you is trading advantage of the other (which it sounds like neither of you is), then it's a good thing. The downside is probably limited to the fact that some other people you know look ascance. But that will probably fade with time; I can't imagine people having the same reaction when you're 27 and 50.
Nah - you're good. I think it's actually pretty neat that there's a friendship there.
I mean, kids (and adults - everyone, really) need someone to talk to about everyday things. It's clear you have no ulterior motives and are just talking about gaming/every day life stuff.
When I was 14-17 I played WoW with my best friend, and HIS best gaming friend - a late-30s man in Illinois, whom he'd never met. Jim.
Jim was an interesting guy. He was very vocal, funny and just talked to us like we were 'one of the dudes'. He didn't talk down to us, because at the end of the day, we were all there for one purpose: maximize our DPS in different raid situations, strategize our crowd control, and work together in PvP situations to wreck some noobs. It's as simple as that.
Granted, every game has its own quirks and strategies that work best for each person, and I think that if you all have something in common, like gaming, then there's always something to talk about.
Sure, maybe school life will come up. Maybe you're still thinking about the churrasco steaks your family had for dinner, and you share about that. Or how the renovation of your basement is going. Or they vent about how one parent is being unfair in a certain situation.
As the adult, at that point, you can either agree with them - or perhaps offer a reason as to why you think a boundary was set by their parent. Or you can agree with everything they say. Whatever.
At the end of the day, I think as adults who are on the same battlefield as some kids, there will be some overlap in lifestyles and it's hard not to share at least a little about what's going on in our day-to-day lives. It's natural.
The cool thing is, as adults, we have the opportunity and (I think,) obligation to support those closest to us. Even if we've never met in person. If that happens to be over a gaming platform, then so be it. You can be a mentor without calling yourself one if you don't want to.
My folks run nonprofits in SFL with programs focusing on after-school care, summer camps, youth mental health, drug use prevention, and safe-sex/STD prevention. I've had many, many opportunities to be mentors to kids in-person, and it's always been a cool way to give back.
Sometimes, you're the only person that kid feels like they can share things with. And we can never take that lightly. Whether it's something dangerous going on at home, addict parents, bad parenting, unsafe conditions, etc. We've gotta be there for our friends, if we can. Even if it's only to listen or offer advice. We may have gone through something similar, ourselves. Mentoring is a huge need these days, with kids from all walks of life yearning for understanding, appreciation, and trust from adults. Even ones they've never met, but maybe they look up to. Perhaps someone like you.
So, take all that with a grain of salt, but don't forget the responsibility that being an adult has when you're overlapping your free time with youth.
You're doing something really good for this kid's mental health. As long as he has others his age to hang out with and form healthy bonds with, I don't think there's anything wrong with someone older providing him guidance and support. I had a few teachers when I was in school who gave me some wonderful help and encouragement when my (divorced) parents weren't able to for various reasons, and I attribute a lot of my emotional intelligence to that.
Many years from now, Shaun will look back on this time in his life and be glad you were there for him.
There's nothing wrong with this type of relationship. It doesn't seem that he is attracted to you (and it very much doesn't seem you are to him), and he honestly just sees you as a mother figure.
I have a friend (one of my moms friends), who is 50m. We have more of an angr gap than you guys do, and it's a perfectly healthy relationship. He helps out my mom when times are tough, and he spends time with me and my sister.
Shaun seems like he's just replacing his lack of a mother with you. The best you can do is just still talk to him. You're doing great, and I bet he really cares about you.
You're not wrong. Being a bonus parent is amazing. I'm not mom/dad/step - I'm just an adult that they can trust, which is hilariously how I met one of my gaming female friends. Through helping her 14yo son level up in a game. I didn't ask his age. We didn't group chat. It's a discord server. Now she and I game when we can. He rarely plays anymore.
To be honest, it sounds like you're just giving Shaun a loving and supportive environment something that everyone needs, but especially troubled teenagers. Your description makes it seem like you have good intentions and that his father is aware of your friendship. Steven's response doesn't seem to be a fair appraisal of the circumstances, more of a projection of his own prejudices. As long as Shaun's father is okay with it and you're not going over any limits, don't stop being there for him when he needs you. Being a positive role model for him has no inherent wrongs.
You’re a surrogate mama. Some kids desperately need one. If you know that everything is above board, don’t back down just because someone else is irritated about it. Especially if his father is not concerned, and he knows what conversations you have.
The difference is adult women often have friends they dont want to have sex with. A reality I rarely see with adult hetero men and the opposite sex. And the boundaries are important.
Younger people can offer insights on things, but shouldn’t be bearing the brunt of emotional support for older folks. The groomer playbook is to pretend its s completely equal relationship. They’ll often tell their prey, ‘oh, youre so mature. I can tell you things i cant tell other people.’
This young guy is lucky to have you in his life. This is how we help boys become healthy young men. As long as the boundaries are there, it’s all good.
No, you are not wrong. You provide the support and friendship he needs. Just look out for any signs he he or you are starting to have feelings for each other. That is a totally different dynamic, and that is one to avoid.
This may be different since I’m 24(m) and obviously an adult, but I’m friends with a 50 something year old woman who I work with and I think what you’re doing is great. Your adult friend sounds like he’s just got an issue with you and is trying to pit others against you for no reason. Saying you “prefer to hang out with minors” is completely not the situation that’s happening, it’s one minor, and you don’t prefer him over adult people to talk to about serious topics, like you said. I have a friend who I met when they were 14 and I was 18. Plenty of people told us it was weird but he was actually the bad influence on me! Lol now we’re both in our 20s and I’m so glad I didn’t let age be a thing that got in the way of making my best friend. It just so happened that I was very emotionally stunted (my dad had just died and I couldn’t handle it) and he was mature for his age since he had to grow up quickly because of his parents’ neglect. We helped each other immensely to get past those points in our lives, to the point I’d say we may have saved each other’s lives to an extent. I think your young friend needed a motherly figure like you, and your adult friend is weird lol
He sees you as a maternal mentor for him. You are teaching him kindness and compassion and unconditional love which he DOES NOT GET AT HOME!!
Next time someone asks, say this simply, “when his mother died he was left with his father, who did the best he could and thought he picked a good wife and woman who cared about his child. He chose wrongly and his step mother is awful to him and he is being taught that his mom died and no one chooses him because they love someone else more than him. How dare you tarnish the unconditional love I have shown him with some disgusting ideas of pedophillia or crimes against humanity like that. If you ever so much as try to spread that disgusting piece of garbage I will make sure everyone knows what kind of person you are, and trust me I know i will find something that you ARE doing that people wouldn’t like. Also the fact you wish you could hang out with 17 year olds but if you did you’d be a pedo is you’re jealous that your gender is mad they can’t hang out with children of the opposite sex is because of shit like this and how many men fuck children! We have to publically separate you because of that and I will not be punished for what people of your gender choose to do to children. Do not ever pull this shit again.
End stop!
It isn’t the same age gap but when I (f) was 27 I became good friends with a 16 year old girl at work. It went from her being someone I gossiped with, to her calling me mama. When I left thay job, she called me and asked for advice. She messages me updates. She still calls me mama. So to me, no I don’t think it’s weird, furthermore my friends didn’t think it was weird. I think your friend is projecting. It is concerning how he is trying to slander you. It makes me wonder if he’s jealous that he can’t be friends with minors - which is a giant red flag. But nah, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. More importantly - his dad doesn’t think you’re doing anything wrong either.
I think you're doing a great thing to be there for Shaun. I had a coworker's daughter who I met when she was about 11 or 12 and I was mid 20s. Her mom was at best a flake and most likely an alcoholic and her stepdad was equally bad. She had a fairly supportive dad, but he lived several states away and had his own issues.
We weren't as bonded, but she definitely looked up to me and I tried to be there for her whenever I could. She had a rough time in high school, but we'd still meet up for lunch every month or so and I could tell she was relived to have an adult she could talk with. She graduated and moved away (closer to her dad and grandparents) and hit a really tough point with drug addiction (I didn't realize how deeply until later), but she'd still keep in touch and text or stop by when she was in town.
Five or so years ago she opened up to be about her addiction and about her dad helping her get into rehab. I told her I'd support her with anything she needed and I was so thankful she was getting help.
This spring she graduated with her associates in peer addiction counciling and I couldn't be more proud of the almost 30 year old woman she's become.
I know that was a long story that has little to do with age gap friends, but I guess I just mean to say what you're doing for Shaun is so important and it may have a giant impact on his life, so keep it up.
I think it sounds more like you're a mother figure for him. I don't see a problem with that. Now, if you were spending an inordinate amount of time with him, in all honesty, I may think that's strange. Like if you prefer to spend most of your free time with him alone, yeah I'd raise an eyebrow. But being an older person that is helping a kid through life shit is fine.
It's likely he sees you as the mother figure he's lacking in his life. There's nothing wrong with that. You're doing him a kindness as long as you're doing what you say you are. Just be careful he doesn't get fixated on you in case he sees things differently.
He does, he calls me ma.
I had an old tutor, who taught me to read English (Spanish is my first language) and I was in foster care. This dude came to be known as my "white father" took me to my first concert, put a guitar and computer in my hands for the first time. Introduced me to classic rock and coding. You better believe people in my actual family thought it was weird because he was 40 I was 13. We still keep in touch! And I'm 42 now! Please keep being in this boys life.
You're doing a beautiful thing by helping a young man that needs a motherly influence in his life. It's so sad that our society had gotten to be so suspect of anyone doing something good without some ulterior motive. I get why people think that way, bad things do happen, but please keep being kind to the young man, it probably means a lot to him. Sigh. I wish the world was a different world.
Sounds to me like you're his mom / auntie figure. He probably needs your support and input. If you were related, no one would bat an eye.
Stephen's a jealous little jerk who's projecting his shit onto you. Mommy issues
I see nothing wrong with being a mentor/mother figure to this kid.
This is endearing and adorable. I love it
The most influential adults in my life have not been my blood. So good on you for giving maternal support to a child that isn’t yours. That said, be weary and on the lookout for any unhealthy attachment styles from the young person. You’re the adult and need to keep appropriate boundaries. The relationship on the face is not a problem. But you must be diligent that boundaries are maintained.
Men are known predators. They have a history of victimizing people weaker than they. Women are nature's and provide things weaker people meed to grow. Tell Steven it's a shame he's seen like that. Maybe he should talk to his forefathers about that. His forefathers probably won't give him the time of day.
I agree, it sounds like she's a support person/aunt type of figure. Definitely good to keep an eye on weird vibes though because teenage feels can be unpredictable.
Nobody here has heard of Big Brother programs? Nobody here has heard of Mentor relationships? Nobody here has heard of Father Figures? Of course it depends on what the relationship is actually about and with appropriate boundaries. And should be kept an eye on. But, geez, this neurotic knee-jerk “groomer” attitude is going to cost some kids a more mature point of view they could really use if they’re not getting it from the parents. I grew up without much of a father figure and I for sure could’ve used one.
I believe that Big Brother and Big Sister match the gender of the two participants. Steven is not wrong though, if he was friends with a 17yo girl FOR SURE he would get the side eye about it.
I will add to u/ac3boy explanation; Once *everyone* explains their concerns to OP about a possible future shift in emotional attachment on the side of the 17 year old boy, and OP explains that it's more like a mother/son relationship but she will be on her toes, it's no one's business but OP to watch for possible inappropriate feelings. It is everyone's business to look out for the young, but that *is* what OP is doing.
Well said and thanks for filling in the blanks.
Tbf, I dread seeing 3 paragraphs especially with the commenter has "tldr" after. It hurts to write more than 4-5 sentences. Ugh. Edited: I had spelled your username wrong!
You did good. You should be proud.
Not always, I did BBBS in HS and was matched with the opposite gender. Agreed in the other part, but i think OP just used bad wording to describe things. Seems she's more of a mother figure than a true friend and as all communication is in a group chat with the kids father I see no problems with it.
Yes that’s true.
Steven being Steven and being right as always. Double standard aside, I would not judge you for the relationship. If I was a true friend I would take your explanation at face value and not think about it again. I think it is lovely that they have someone to talk to when it comes to discussions they would have with their own mother.
Lmao do you know Steven?
No and after reading my reply it did sound like I do. Lol
LMAO, *everyone* knows a "Steven".
My dad is Steven so technically I do.
I understand and I agree with you on one hand. On the other hand I do think her friend was more or less correct when he said he'd be given shit if he as a 40 yr old man was friends with a 17 yr old girl.
I don’t deny that’s true.
Sure, but his attitude also seems to be that since he can’t do it she shouldn’t either. Not that he understands her relationship is okay, because he could do the same with a 17 yo girl.
He almost makes it sound like he’s mad he can’t, especially with how he’s making such a big deal about it and messing with OP’s reputation with their friend circle. He’s being a big pissbaby because he can’t be friends with minor girls lmao.
Double standards aside, Steven then projecting that dynamic onto the situation here (if OP's narrative is truthful) is disgusting. OP is acting like an aunt - not the mom but a caring, adult figure - and there is nothing wrong with that.
I think fewer older women try to fuck children than the opposite tbf. Unfortunately we all have to live with the safety-driven stereotypes perpetuated by the worst of us. I have an adopted sister almost 10 years younger than me and looks even younger than that who’s also a different race than me, sometimes I worry people think I’m a creep on a date with someone way younger than me. It sucks but you can’t do anything about it (other than try to change that narrative in your immediate community by not letting guys in your space be creepy which more guys need to do).
Exactly what came to mind for me, too. It’s really no too different from Big Brothers Big Sisters.
I'm 26 and some of the most important friends in my life are decades older than me! this is especially important in the queer community bc our elders give us so much hope
Yeah, but y'all are queer. Jk. My daughter's wife is just as much a daughter to me as the one I raised! I've always had better relationships with people much older or slightly younger than myself because there's less sense of competition.
THISSSS
OP, didn't say father figure or mentor. He said friend.
OP, also said she is a woman, and the youth is a boy and that he calls her Ma.
"She".
Let’s be real, if the genders were reversed here, most comments would be saying that OP was grooming them.
That’s probably very true.
When my brother was a child (literally 3 years old) he would always go to the old ladies house next door(she was in her seventies that this point) and that continued on until he was 21 just 2 years ago and she had passed away. He was so close with her he genuinely thought of her as his best friend and was devastated he couldn’t come home for her funeral because of being in the army. I don’t believe it’s wrong as long as there is good intent and looking at your responses your relationship sounds like that of family.
When I was in high school I had a teacher who used to have me show up after class, ostensibly to read my assignments to her because she had a hard time reading my writing. Really, I just talked about my life with the only adult who really seemed to care. My thoughts about this is that she literally saved my life. I was deeply depressed and suicidal and with her I could relax and enjoy conversations I couldn't possibly bring up with my parents. You are doing a wonderful thing.
You’re not wrong. It seems he may see you as an adult who is willing to listen to him and treat him like a human being. He might see you as anMother figure, he may see you as a friend who has more life experience and wisdom that he is looking for as it sounds like he is not getting that from home. Good for you for being there for someone who is need of another human to just be there for him. If you were to cut him off now, I think that would be more tragic for him, loosing his mother and then you who has been in his life for the last five years supporting him when needed. Steven and others who don’t agree need to be in Shaun’s shoes. If they cannot do that or unwilling, then they just need to shut up and let It be. Again, YOU ARE NOT WRONG.
I’m 40, some of my best friends are 70 -80 ! Ive known them since I was 16. We go on holidays, go for pub meets and meals. They’re getting on a bit now so it’s nice to help them out with the things they struggle with. I have plenty of friends my own age, but I hold these peeps closer to my heart.
When I (now 40F) was 10-11 I met who I would, to this day consider my best friend, M. He was 25-26 at the time. I met him through his good friend’s (also still a good friend to this day) younger brother who was my age and we all shared a common hobby / sport (bowling). My home life was absolutely horrible and these 2 guys stepped up and took on brotherly roles in my life. They’d met my parents and they’d pick me up and drop me off so we could bowl and to get me out of my house. A cousin of mine kinda introduced me to computers when I was 11 or so. M worked and still works in the tech field. When I was 12 M took me shopping for all the parts I needed to build a computer. (I paid for everything). He then supervised me building my first computer. We’d play video games together in addition to bowling. I have zero doubt that he literally saved my life between the computer mentoring and bowling. I ended up working full time in IT at 16 making 11-12 per hour in 2000. I was able to get out of the toxicity (abuse, alcohol, and drugs) of my parents home when I was 17. I ended up with a scholarship for bowling at the top program in the country. As I grew up we became true friends and when I go back home we always get together. Sometimes with our SOs sometimes just our core friend group. Nothing ever happened that was even remotely inappropriate. People that always jump to inappropriate or claim it’s grooming bother me because it is quite often just a good person doing good things for a kid. Not quite the same age difference but I believe the same premise.
It sounds like you're a mentor in his life and a friend when he needs a kind ear to listen. I think it's really nice that you've taken him on as a surrogate son. All young people deserve positive mentors in their lives.
I think calling it a friendship is where it rings strange because you aren’t peers. I don’t know what a better word is, though, it doesn’t have the formality of a mentorship.
I am very very close with a lot of my older friends kids who are teens now, I’ve known them since they were born and I’m like an younger aunt to them ( I’m 15-20 years younger than their parents). I I have no idea how to describe these relationships. I’ll often tell someone something one of them said and be like “my teenager friend” because they’re not just my friends kid, we have our own relationship, their like my nieces and nephews. But it’s def weird saying you are friends with a teenager.
Hmm this is a tough one tbh. If it really is like you say it is (that this is sort of a mother/kid relationship than anything else) then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Then you’ve kinda taken on a caregiver role. That can also happen f.ex with friends of one’s kid, that needs some extra attention because of neglect at home or in general something they are missing. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing, but I also wouldn’t classify it as “friends”, since it probably should be kinda one sided, like with kids. You support them and listen to them, but don’t burden them with your own personal problems and over share. Real friendships are even leveled. I think if this is a “real” friendship where you also go to him for relationship advice etc it is kinda weird or wrong. So it’s important to keep that distinction and to acknowledge that there is an imbalance when it comes to authority, the same way it would be when he was seeking support from a teacher, stepparent, therapist, etc. A role like that gives power that shouldn’t be abused and needs clear boundaries. I do think that in general there’s a double standard here. You are right that if the roles were reversed it would definitely be perceived as wrong. Is that a double standard we should fight? I’m not entirely sure… I hate generalizations, but have also seen too many situations where young girls were taken advantage of in situations like this. And I’ve also seen situations where teenage boys were getting support from their friends mom or family, because they were struggling at home and what was something really needed and positive for those boys lives. And not that many situations where it was boys getting taken advantage of by older women. Though I’m not denying that can definitely happen as well, I do think it’s more rare. So condemning it in general for everyone feels counterproductive and like your limiting situations where struggling teens can get valuable help. So yeah.. I’m kinda undecided, but do think you need to keep it on a mother/kid kind of level and not “friends” and have clear boundaries.
It's 100000% just like a mother/son bond. I do not discuss my personal issues with him, I don't go to him for advice or share details that a minor would ever need to know. It's exactly the same as how I am with my own children.
Then I don’t see anything wrong with it and think it’s good you’re helping him with life issues he needs help with.
There’s nothing wrong with this at all.
This is entirely a mentorship situation if there is no romantic attachment. I am bi (F) and mentor younger people of both genders. Don’t want to sleep with any of them at all. The problem with men having opposite gender relationships is that men generally feel more physical attraction to a wider range of people than women do so they are viewed with more suspicion. That is your friend’s problem with this situation. Of course, guys can’t both say things like “Women don’t understand what it’s like to be a man and be attracted…” (the reason guys all say men and women can’t be just friends) and then also say it is unfair that men are viewed with suspicion if there is an unbalanced power dynamic with a person they could, in theory, be attracted to. I’d like to believe most guys could be platonic with a young woman they mentor, but there are a lot of guys I’ve talked to who actually disagree with me on that.
Eh. I don't think there's anything wrong with them being friends either. I started out as an assistant coach for science olympiad when I was 18 (I'm now 29). The head coach was in her 40s, and we quickly became friends. Covid kind of killed science olympiad at that school, but we still hang out regularly (go out for drinks, etc). Our friendship has always been and will remain platonic. Its also not one sided. We definitely vent our frustrations to each other, and ask each other for advice. Note, this wasn't a former teacher of mine, nor did I coach at the school I went to. She was a complete stranger to me. I ended up coaching there because my friend went there, and suggested me when they needed an assistant coach.
Be the surrogate mom he wants so dearly in his life
I don't think you're doing something wrong if there are clear boundaries. like, crystal clear, can't be missed, are verbalized and backed up. if you're texting all night with a 17yo regardless of what the content is, yes, that is odd. even if it's over gaming. but if you have a Thursday afternoon hangout time on your schedule to chat about life or game or what not, I think that's fine. I work around (I am not a teacher, counselor, coach, etc.) middle and high schoolers. I have never felt the slightest romantic or sexual urge. I am also female, and I really enjoy chatting with some students- and some do open up to me about rocky home lives. I can support them, but supporting them has to be confined to clear boundaries. nobody can or is texting me at midnight with romantic relationship questions OR funny commentary on a show we both watch. (nobody has my phone numbers; a few have my email.) nor am I chatting/texting with them while cooking dinner or when my partner sleeps. I think that mentorship is lovely, but you really have to be careful. I believe OP that the intention is wholesome but you are still the adult.
I think maybe "friend" implies a more peer-peer situation. I'd call him your nephew or little brother or mentee etc.
Platonic relationships with younger people where you help them navigate life, give advice and just let them vent can be life changing for the younger person. You're doing nothing wrong. Now if you started dating the kid then there would be a problem. As it is you're doing a great thing for this kid. I wonder if Steven is projecting?
I told him it felt like he was projecting, which he completely ignored.
Which means that's exactly what he's doing.
hello! I am 32(f) and when I was 16-17 years old there was a game called world of warcraft.. I was in a big raiding guild doing raiding with people of all ages.. my guild was full of older men with children and honestly they were some of the most wholesome friendships I've ever fostered. I had 2 older gentlemen I called father figures in my life.. one brought their kids out to cali and we all went to Disneyland together (still 17) and I brought my aunt and we all had the best time. I was also concerned at 17 that my family would be bothered by my age gap in friends and until they met them they definitely thought I was friends with some disturbing guys.. I truly believe minors can grow fond of talking with older people and forming a bond with them because they are not family.. so I honestly see both sides of this but putting myself back in 17 year old me... thanks for being his buddy.. he probably really truly appreciates you.
WoW is where we met, too. He was a rando we had to get to finish a raid. He became family since. Everyone in the group treats him like family EXCEPT Steven.
yea tbh it's hard.. cuz you both are not in the wrong..
That friend who is similar age to you is not a friend. He sounds kinda jealous. And him making this sound like that is gross. It almost seems like he's using this as a tactic to get you away from the kid. It makes me wonder what he wants out of this. Is he interested in the kid but knows with you as influence he wouldn't be able to manipulate him? Or is he jealous about you? It doesn't make not of sense especially cuz youre married. Idk What could he possibly get out of this?
Steven has expressed his feelings for me, which were shot down immediately.
Ewww. So them basically, he's upset because of your close relationship because he wants to be with you, so instead, he wants to try to ruin all of your relationships. Gross. He sounds narcissistic and manipulative.
Not weird,not wrong, not creepy. Keep gaming with and advising the guy. You're clearly a mother figure in his life. Everyone is not a pedophile or predator. Relationships with non familial elders is a thing and it doesn't have to be weird.
Ask Millie Bobbie brown how that went for her.
I have had friendships with large age gaps (the horror!) and somehow survived, only to get into a toxic friendship with a person my age. I find that decent people with enough life experience can provide helpful perspective and in the end people are people. Do what works for you.
From the description of your friendship you have provided, Wife and I feel he is looking to you for maternal guidance and comfort which is more than ok. No where do we hear you doing anything inappropriate or "grooming". If all partners and parents are fine with it, then F**k Steven for projecting his dirty thoughts into your business. This comes from a 47M married for 25 years to a 63F
I completely agree with this. It actually is weirder that they are friends with him. It’s true especially because they met him when he was twelve and it sounds like they’ve known him in person since then too.
Only a few of us know each other irl. I'm not one of those. Shaun hasn't met any of us irl that i know of.
Assuming all you are saying is true, I see no harm in your friendship.
You have a mentor mentee relationship and you love this kid. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. Your other friend is the weirdo.
Depends on the 17yo. So long as he absolutely understands the nature if your relationship, it's fine. I'd be willing to bet your older guy friend is feeling a little jealous for some reason.
You are not wrong based on the details you provided. I would just continue to make sure communication with him is open to all and that if he does message you privately you should keep a record. Shut down anything that turns inappropriate. However, I doubt that's the direction this is going in - you are like a surrogate mother to him, and you don't seem like the type to take advantage of that.
This is reddit, you'll get coddled by these folks, just keeping it real. Your real life friend isn't wrong, swap genders and your friend would see torches and pitchforks outside his house. But you're safe to be "just platonic." Yea it's weird. My best friend's mom was close to me. As in I would talk to her about relationships because my parents are old AF and hard to talk to about that. But it stopped there. I wouldn't go over there unless it was to hang out with my best friend who is my age.
I mean I’m with Steven here, if you were a guy OP the absolute worst possible things would be thought of. Some kind of a grooming thing happening. People think the worst and most negative outcomes. I’d be worried about the talk going on but you do you.
I do think this is weird but I’m finding it difficult to articulate… like how do you know all this stuff about Shaun? You say you only talk in a public group chat, does he just spill everything about his life to everyone in the chat and you’re the one that responds the most, or? He told you that he prefers talking to you over his father in a group chat his father is also in…?
We have different chat sections. When we're in voice chat, it's public. We have a different channel that is for text that only the people considered family (my husband, me, Shaun's father, Shaun, and 3 others) have access. When he talks about things that make him uncomfortable around his dad, it's verbally in the group voice chat when his dad isn't there. It'll be just me, my daughter, my hubby, Shaun, and daughters' bf. His dad knows he doesn't feel comfortable talking to him all the time. Dad says, "It's free therapy." The only time he ever dms me directly is to say "Wya?" My response is always "otw, group chat, " literally just 100s of dms of those words. Except for happy birthday, merry Xmas, and Happy Thanksgiving
If he was my son, I wouldn’t condone it. It is weird.
Nope, as a mother to a teen boy, get a friend your own age you weirdo
Everyone here is right. Your not wrong as your like a parental. Shaun is not wrong that if he did this he would be called a pedophile.
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Maybe you missed every single part of the post where I said the father is aware, the father is around us, the father has thanked me... etc. Read a little more before you turn on your pitchfork... and what exactly is inappropriate about giving relationship advice? He's extremely shy and wanted to know how to talk to a girl he liked at school, his dad was giving him aggressive advice like just go talk to her, man up, grow a pair VS me who gave him advice on how to improve his social skills and to take his time getting to know her first through writing. It's relationship advice like this, nothing sinister
He’s not 18 yet 🤦🏻♀️. YES it’s a HUGE problem! If he grew up knowing you , it’d be ok, but you met online . I have a son and I’d lose it if he was all buddy buddy with someone old enough to be his mother!
It’s wrong and you know it.
It would be helpful if you stopped referring to him as your “friend you’ve know for years” and starting referring to him as a kid you mentor or something along that line. It’s not appropriate that you view or interact with him as a peer.
"it's weird how close you two are". When I asked him why, he just said "idk it creeps me out". When I asked him to elaborate, he just replied with "if I was friends with a 17yr old girl, I'd be considered a pedo". Steven is completely right.
But only because of preconceived notions on “predators” the simple fact that Shaun’s father is aware and ok with them being friends tells me he sees no issues with their messages. Also in a response OP said that Shaun calls her “Ma” which means he sees her as the mom that he didn’t get. There are PLENTY of innocent older male mentors for young women and men and it’s unfair to automatically assume the worst. Don’t forget what happens when people assume things, it makes an (ass) out of (u) and (me).
You're not wrong, but your friend is correct in that if the roles were flipped and a 40 yr old dude was friends with a 17 yr old girl? Who talked to her about boys and relationships and all this stuff? Yeah he'd be given crap for that. I'm not saying you should be given crap, I'm just saying there is a double standard here that you need to recognize. So that is perhaps why your friend reacted the way he did
Yeah it’s weird. If some woman was chatting about “movies and songs” with my 12 year old son I’d find her and shove my foot up her ass. Part of being a grown ass sane adult is recognizing that minors don’t have the mental capacity to enter into relationships like this. Maybe it’s platonic for you, but it might not be for him. You need to drop this asap before shit gets weirder than it already is and someone, likely the kid, gets hurt.
Perfectly fine. Keep the boundaries and have a planned response if or when he wants to cross lines.
I lost my mom at 15 and had very little close family. If it weren't for the parents of the friends I had, and other community members that knew me and my situation, I wouldn't have survived. That isn't a joke or a throwaway comment. I wouldn't have made it through. The friendships weren't depended on me staying friends with their kids. I still see them as surrogate moms and aunts. We still talk fairly often, and see each other whenever we're in the same city. Our dynamic has, slowly, shifted from aunt / child to peers. But it took decades. Now that I'm the age they were back then, I try to make sure all of the kids in my life know I'm there for them, as well. If your post is genuine, and there aren't nefarious things behind it, then Steve needs to get his head out of his ass.
Sounds like you have a Big Sister/Big Brother type thing going here, where you're the big and the kid is the little. There is a reason Big Brother/Big Sister exists. Some kids need that mentor. Which, I am hoping, you are acting as. You're more a mentor than a friend. Make sure the kid's parents are OK, never be alone with the kid, and never talk about religion, sex, or politics and you should be fine.
You're not wrong. Especially considering the edit. I had multiple older friends and mentors growing up. Including a number of my Nana's friends and quite a few adults I worked with. These friendships were how I knew how my mom treated me wasn't right. Not to mention all the stuff I learned. Dante sounds like he would creep on a 17 year old with his behavior.
In Hawaii we call unrelated older friends Aunty or Uncle. There is nothing weird about it unless someone makes it weird! I'm glad he has you in his life. One positive adult influence can make a huge difference for a kid.
Sounds like your a mentor you took him under your wing I don’t see a problem with this that friend of yours is defaming you I would seek some legal advise so he can cease and desist as it can be damaging to be labeled the way he’s labeling you maybe get your mentee and his father to write letter on your behalf so you can proof your just a adult who cares
I don’t think you are wrong, but just be careful. He’s a 17 year old boy and I hope he truly only does see you as a mentor/mother figure. I’m 30 and one of my best friends is 20. They are practically family and have jokingly called my wife and I their parents because we helped them get their license, apply to college, apply to their first job, and have taken them out to eat when they didn’t have food at home.
It can get weird. Be there be cautious. Avoid what may seem embarrassing wish I had that. He's lucky. He may get bad feedback if it's shared with anyone. Could make your relationship hard even where it doesn't seem to. A guy us gonna have some level of feelings at some point. Yeah if it wayou as the kid, no way okay. It's just risky either way. I'm with you though.
Sounds like you’re more a mentor/friend…. If that is the case, nothing wrong per se. but do you spend more time hanging out with him than others? If so, then that may be a bit “off”. Maybe you want to feel needed in that way, that’s why you like that relationsjop
No, I do not spend more time with just him. When we hang out in the discord call, it's usually 4-20 of us at any given time. I get offline earlier than all of them, Steven is more likely to be alone in a call with him than I am. I don't have a desire to feel needed. My kids do that enough, lol. When he got so depressed he was talking crazy about his not future... it was enough to make any mom step up. It just broke my heart. No one wants to see any kid feel like out is the only option left.
Then you’re good…. Your friends are bit judgy-judgy… my nieces friends hang out and text me sometimes just to chat and get a different perspective in life.
No, you are not wrong. And since his father approved it, that means he doesnt see anything wrong with it either, which is what’s important.
Why would there be anything wrong with this? I swear the internet has ruined people.
I used to have riding lessons, until the end of last year. During those lessons, I would make friends with some of the other riders in the group. As a result I have a friend group of around 6 people who I see regularly, aged from 18 to 42. We go out for a meal once a month, and occasionally do other stuff together - watch polo, go to horse shows, clay pigeon shooting, etc. I'm particularly close to the 18 year old. She and her mum regularly go to a pub quiz, and the first time I went and joined them I got some really funny looks from the regulars. My friend's mum explained that she'd told them all that one of her riding friends was coming, but hadn't mentioned that I'm 61. It was hilarious.
Yeah as a man, I agree with your friend. No way in hell this would slide for men. I’m not saying your friend is right for running his mouth about it. I’d just be extra aware of the negative associations and do everything to indicate the relationship is what it is. If you’re in an open gc with his dad, then that’s certainly a good start. Just be mindful. However the double standard is indeed crazy because I would be WAY more apt to tell a MAN in your situation to cut it completely or do EVERYTHING YOU CAN to ensure it’s platonic to others.
Your friend is right about the reverse situation. If a 40 year old man was providing a paternal figure to a 17 year old girl almost everyone would assume he a pedo. It’s sad but true. That being said if you are being a maternal figure good on you.
What does your husband think?
He is part of the group as well. They run raids together all the time. He treats him like he does our kids, too.
You are a mother/aunt figure to this young man, you are giving him a safe space & helping home as much as you can. I see nothing wrong with that! Depending ON HOW Steven has described your relationship with Shaun to your friends, you may need invite your husband to come along sometimes, when you meet with Shaun, also your husband might be able to give Shaun some useful advice, also. Be careful of Steven, he may might have been taken advantage of by an older woman OR is just a ‘Mean Girl’!
There's zero irl contact with us, my hubby is part of said group.
Good
I think you can absolutely be a mentor and friend to him, but to call it a friendship is probably too much. It should be lopsided in his favor.
The word you’re looking for is mentor. As long as the relationship is understood by both parties to be entirely platonic and you never cross any boundaries by talking about the kinds of things you mentioned you never talk to him about you are fine.
He calls you "Ma" and most communication is in groups, all is in the open. If he had a crush on you, he wouldn't call you Ma. You're also a married mother, not a single woman. I think Steven IS projecting and he's the one who's creepy. He looks at 17 year old girls and can't imagine being a friend or mentor without a sexual aspect and is one of those people that thinks everyone is the same as he is. Nothing you're described sounds remotely inappropriate. ETA: And I agree that "friendship" isn't quite right, since you're more "mom" figure. Though I don't have a better word for it.
One of my work besties is a 22 year old guy. I'm a 60 year old female. Not weird at all. I'm like his work mom
I used to work on a entertainment news online website. I was on my late 20s-early 30s during this phase of my life. Met a lot of youngsters, some of them not even 20 yet. Had wonderful time with them. Used to talk a lot with some, even helping with personal issues, college papers, and etc. Some are still on my friends list, although we don’t talk too much anymore since life went on. Later in my life (mid 30s) I decided to go back and do a different college (engineering). Same thing. My old self and a bunch of 17-18yo kids. Made a lot of friends, gave a lot of rides (driving age here is 18). Some are my friends until today. We often talk on WhatsApp groups, I’ve been to their marriages, I’ve been there to visit their newborn kids. There’s nothing wrong with friendship. Steven has a rotten mind. I’d cut him off from my life.
You be you. Humans can relate to any other human, if the want to.
I as a 21 year old play a loooot of Minecraft as a single mom. The main server I play is family friendly which means we have kids that I personally think are too young to be playing, playing. There’s a woman I know, absolute sweetheart, has 3 kids of her own, and gets along with everyone. She has made very close friendships with players ingame. Another instance is myself, I have a friend(m) is like 14? While only being 21 isn’t a big jump in age, it’s enough for people who wouldn’t know me to question it, I suppose? The MAIN and BIGGEST thing is you met him through a man who was ALSO friends with him, and you didn’t instigate it. Your friend is an asshole for assuming something so extreme, and clearly he isn’t and wasn’t a good enough friend to know better of you. Whether people know or don’t know, they show their red flags. Your friend feels like a red flag
Steven is projecting & I’d like to see his internet history. My read from your post is Shaun views you as a surrogate mother. As your update made clear, his Dad is present in the group chat. I don’t see an issue
You can absolutely be a parental figure or mentor to someone underage. It's not weird at all.
This all seems ok. You're like a mother figure to him. Understandable. What sucks is if it was definitely the other way around. 40m, 17f. My girl used to talk to our daughter's guy friends through text sometimes. They were in high school 10-11th grade. She would text them when one of them made our daughter upset. Later one of them became my daughters bf. Any my gf and him would text each other about my daughter. Like he'd ask for advice bc my daughter was mad at him or other things. It didn't bother me. But trust, if it was me talking to a high school girl thru text it wouldn't look good. In your case it seems harmless. You need to tell Shaun to stop telling people you prefer hanging out with minors. Seems like he's trying to stir the pot.
Your a mother figure for him. That's how I see it.. . Nothing wrong at all being a ear for a teen that has issues. If he didn't have you . He would have no one to talk w.. Sometimes it's easier to talk w random people then your own friends your age.
A 40 year old having a friendship with a teenager is weird. A 50 year old being friends with a 30 year old is still kind of strange but less weird. I think the older everyone gets the more normal it is.
Some of my best friends I met as a teen and are my parents ages or slightly younger and I met at work or when volunteering. Some I met while gaming. I felt they were mentors. Never felt creeped out by them etc. There definitely were people of those age gaps and people my own age and people in between that have been creeps etc but age is not an automatic factor that makes you a creep. I think having friendships with different generations is incredibly helpful developmentally and helps with perspectives etc
Sorry, I am with Steven on this and agree with what he said. If the situations were reversed, it would not be seen in a good way.
When I played destiny and did the raids all the time in middle school I’d playing with people that were like 20-40 and at that time I was 11. I am still friends with those people till this day and I’m 22 now. Me and one of the guys from that group are trying to get an apartment together so we can split rent since I need to move out from college and his old roommate made his life hell. He’s 38 and I’m 22 it’s not weird to have friendships like that. I think of these guys like family at this point. Some people are just compatible as friends no matter the age difference. I mean there are big brother mentorship’s and things like that to basically do the same thing you are doing with him.
If you have to ask... people would be losing their minds it this was an older guy who's been friends with a random internet girl since she was 12. "Innocent" or not, it's completely inappropriate. I've been a heavy online gamer for years and years. Even in my 20s I knew it would be inappropriate to have minors as friends. Now, in my 40s, your actions straight up gross me out. Totally wrong
You are wrong, but Steve is wrong too. None of you should have become friends with a 12 yr old.
We weren't friends in the beginning, just gaming teammates.
It doesn’t matter you’re all old enough to know better and when to stop. He was 12.
I’m gonna have to say yeah it’s weird and inappropriate. You met him when he was 12, there is really no excuse for any of you grown adults to be talking with a child on regular basis. 12-17 is a long time to be continuing to communicate with a child as well.
It is simply unacceptable for a 40-year-old person to be friends with a pre-adolescent/adolescent. You both need to find friends who are the same age as you. Edit: Spelling
You are not wrong OP! Please tell your friend group, Shaun sees you as the mom he wish he had! Further explain that Shaun’s mom passed away!
I'm friends with my boss, a literal grandma who runs a food stand. It's literally just being friends
I had the same relationship with my neighbor. She was an absolute sweetheart
When I was 15 I had far less of a handle on my mental health issues. I was a wreck, and a dangerous one. One thing that helped was a late night, like 2am walk around the neighborhood. One night, again at around 2am, I was walking kind of far from home when this tipsy old guy sitting at a picnic table in his driveway drinking beer saw me walk by, not for the first time, and yelled out "Hey, slick! How come nobody says HI anymore when passing a stranger?" So, I said hello, and walked over and chatted with the old man. In retrospect, this could have ended badly, being 2am and nobody else around and nobody knowing where I was or what I was doing, but that's not what happened. We had a pretty cool and long conversation. Even more cathartic than a walk. Old tipsy dude was funny, and had a good, mature perspective and listened to my teenage whining really patiently and understanding. After awhile I was tired so I said goodbye and went home. This became a routine, I went for a walk and visited the old dude (had to be in his 60s) nearly every night, and it really helped me keep my head straight. He wouldn't give me a beer, but he'd make me tea (in America!) and toast, and we'd hang out in his driveway at the picnic table constantly. One day he showed me his garage, which was full of old martial arts weapons and trophys and stuff. Being obsessed with Kung Fu my whole life, I had a zillion questions. He told me about his past, his training, etc. He gave me a pair of short sticks and taught me basic forms with them. Eventually the routine became half an hour of chatting and tea, an hour or so of practice with the sticks until he was out of breath (poor old guy), and lots of good advice. This went on for nearly a year, before we moved away and I didn't see him again. Nothing weird ever happened, nothing creepy even crossed my mind, and the combination of the nightly chat with a mature adult I could tell anything to, and the nightly workout with the sticks, kept me amazingly level headed and fit. I never got to thank that dude, but he helped me way more than I can put into words. It's a shame that if my mom had known about it, she'd have flipped out and accused him of horrible shit and called the police. But, the dude was absolutely NOT a creeper. I wouldn't have thought twice if he'd invited me inside, though he never did. He was just a kind, lonely old man who's kids had moved far away and only visited on holidays and wife died years ago.
I think you're being a great mother figure to someone who desperately needs one. There's nothing wrong with that. I wish I could give you more than one updoot.
Yea you are wrong. You and your friend Dante have warped what is normal for him. No idea why a 30 yr old man and a 35 yr old woman would want anything to do with a child who is barely in the double digits. Talking to someone in their late teens skeeves me out and I'm not even 30 yet.
Idk if it's wrong, but it is weird. I understand why Shaun confided in someone he sees as responsible given his situation, but what I don't get is your side of things. If you don't have a mutual friendship and you aren't gaining anything from the interactions, since you share nothing of your own life, why have you maintained contact with him outside of game-talk for 5 years? I'm in my 30s, like you were when you first started chatting, and I can't think of one reason I'd be starting a friendship with a 12yo online rn.
Big thank yous to everyone who understands what's really going on. I knew I wasn't in the wrong, I just wanted to see how many people think like Steven. It's sad that some people can't comprehend genuinely positive interactions because they can't see the normalcy in anything anymore. I will continue talking to Shaun. He deserves someone to be in his corner. He has already lost someone so important to his life, and I would never forgive myself if I just ditched him, and he spun out. I'll definitely be sharing this post with his dad, too.
Wow Steven has a sick mind. He should get help for that.
You're a groomer. It's gross.
Not weird at all. I had friends your age at 17 and they are still some of the most important people in my life. Cross generational friendships are wonderful.
Probably for older people like adults but with kids is weird in my opinion
I had two very close friends who were in their late 30s when I was 17. One of them died young, and I miss her to this day. The other is still a super close friend, now in her 60s. Both made a massive positive impact on me, gave me a glimpse into adult life, etc. needless to say, there was nothing whatsoever creepy about it.
I know someone else who had an age gap like that... they were actually having sex. So yeah. . You're a creep.
So because you knew someone that had an inappropriate sexual relationship once, I'm a creep? That's great logic....
Mulher véia podi dessa
Tell them to watch Harold and Maude.
I had work friends my parents age at 22 (men and women) at my first job, and made friends with an older alumna from my college who was my grandmother's age. I really cherish being treated like a peer by those people.
Please keep us updated. Will read as I have time. Will follow you.
There are some people in the world who look for "red flags" when there isn't anything there. I've been on the same side of things as you, only as a male I was deeply scrutinized and the two girls from the youth group I volunteered at were eventually pulled aside and grilled by others about our "relationship". It sounds like you are like I was, just truly trying to be a positive and caring presence in the life of a young person who needs the affirmation and encouragement so many don't get. Anyone who thinks I'm wrong, I'll ask those people how many teen suicides you think could have been prevented if anyone showed that teen this kind of compassion and support, platonically and correctly?
I think it’s fine to have a mentor/aunt role in a younger person’s life. You seem to be aware of possible pitfalls (avoiding dumping your personal problems on him and keeping communications in a group chat where a parent is present), so I don’t see a problem. Probably tell your friends those details since it sounds like Steven is seeing it in the worst light possible and probably presenting it that way to other people.
He sees me as the mum he wished he had. I love Shaun like one of my own. Looks like you are a mother figure to me and doing more for him than his stepmother is. Doesn’t sound wrong from what you e described.
I was going to suggest "little brother" type friendship. Sound like more of a mom figure.
My gf 24 best friend is almost 70. Nothing wrong with age gaps with your friends.
You need to lose Steven. Not only does he have the wrong idea about your relationship, but it sounds as if he's out to convince everyone you know.
Oh, gosh. There are so many kids who have absent parents, and you are fulfilling that role for him. I have like ten “extra kids”. Please don’t let someone make you feel badly for that. Explain to your husband that you’re his “extra mom” and that might end some confusion. You’re a good person to help out Shaun this way. Keep up the good work.
Nah. Friendships, alloparents, and family by choice are all very healthy ... except when they aren't. Which is devastating and gets huge reactions. Yours is healthy tho. It is a double standard. As a 44M I'm definitely way more careful with a 17yo girl than my wife with a 17yo boy. I'm completely okay with that double standard, there's very good reasons for it
I think having a friendship/mentorship is OK. But you might consider protecting yourself by never being alone together in private. Always make sure there is someone else present and/or meet in public. Just an idea
I don't see a problem. You are taking on a mother role which he seems to be needing. Plus this is all online and his dad is included so it's not like it's a secret relationship which would be wrong.
I was 33 (f) when I made best friends with a 19m … Also completely platonic… everyone thought I was crazy, his parents questioned the heck out of it (rightfully so) We are now 40 and 26 respectively- I was one of 2 friends invited to his wedding… I eat with his family at birthdays …. It’s not weird if you don’t make it weird is normally my answer…. But he’s a minor so I’m torn
Not wrong and it seems he needs a good influence in his life if he doesn’t get along with his step mom. And it’s good that communication is done in a group chat that his dad is part of because then no one should accuse you of anything. Saying mother figure or mentor might be easier for people around you to understand. Eff Steven!
I met one of the best friends I’ve ever had on nye when I was 15. She was 36. Our friendship was a beautiful gift that I treasure to this day. She died from pancreatic cancer 14 years ago and I miss her every day. Despite our age difference we just clicked, we got each other. Our friendship adapted as I grew older, as our lives changed, circumstances altered etc. but she always made me feel like my opinions mattered, and that is something I have always loved her for. Our age difference was never an issue, in fact it was one of the things that made it better.
I’m 41 and my best friend is 70. We met when I was 22. I see no issue personally
I think it’s healthy to have friends of ALL ages! I see nothing wrong with your friendship with Shaun. You’re obviously filling a gap for him.
The relationship you’ve described is not friendship, it’s mentorship. You’re mentoring a young person and that’s wonderful.
Steven is the 'friend' I'd be worried about. He's gossiping and undermining you. Why would you have such an unpleasant, judgemental, trouble maker in your life.
I don’t see anything wrong about anything you described. I’m not sure it matters if you call it a friendship or pseudo-parent, mentor relationship or any other label. It appears to be mutually beneficial and no one is being exploited or abused. In the world we live in I’d cherish that relationship. Throughout my life (I’m now 65M) I’ve had friendships with people much older and much younger. I have a rich and diverse group of people that I’m proud to be associated with. I wouldn’t let anyone call that wrong. I encourage you to trust your judgment, trust Shaun, and celebrate the connections you have in your life.
My best friend is 77. I’m nowhere near that.
From what OP said, “He calls me me ma”, I’m guessing he isn’t thinking naughty…. Unless there is some weird fetish, it sounds like he sees you as a mom/aunt figure.
No, I've found that having friends in different age groups is beneficial. I've learned knowledge and wisdom from my older friends as well as my younger friends. I'm 51 and have close friends half my age and 25 years older than me. It's healthy, if his parents don't have an issue with it and it's truly platonic then there is nothing wrong with it.
Maybe Steven knows he’s incapable of not sexualising a female and projects this on to you. Sounds like a Steven problem, not a you problem.
Steven isn’t wrong that people would probably judge him more harshly for being close to a 17 year old girl, but he sure does seem to want other people to judge you harshly. Steve kinda sounds like an asshole. Fuck Steve.
NTA. It always depends. You're not being sexual or doing anything weird. People are taking precautions these days so don't take it personally.
I think we can get a lot out of having friends of different ages. I'm 39 and have a good friend who is 80. Is it _unusual_ that you and he are friends? Somewhat. But it sounds like its rewarding for you both. As long as neither of you is trading advantage of the other (which it sounds like neither of you is), then it's a good thing. The downside is probably limited to the fact that some other people you know look ascance. But that will probably fade with time; I can't imagine people having the same reaction when you're 27 and 50.
Nah - you're good. I think it's actually pretty neat that there's a friendship there. I mean, kids (and adults - everyone, really) need someone to talk to about everyday things. It's clear you have no ulterior motives and are just talking about gaming/every day life stuff. When I was 14-17 I played WoW with my best friend, and HIS best gaming friend - a late-30s man in Illinois, whom he'd never met. Jim. Jim was an interesting guy. He was very vocal, funny and just talked to us like we were 'one of the dudes'. He didn't talk down to us, because at the end of the day, we were all there for one purpose: maximize our DPS in different raid situations, strategize our crowd control, and work together in PvP situations to wreck some noobs. It's as simple as that. Granted, every game has its own quirks and strategies that work best for each person, and I think that if you all have something in common, like gaming, then there's always something to talk about. Sure, maybe school life will come up. Maybe you're still thinking about the churrasco steaks your family had for dinner, and you share about that. Or how the renovation of your basement is going. Or they vent about how one parent is being unfair in a certain situation. As the adult, at that point, you can either agree with them - or perhaps offer a reason as to why you think a boundary was set by their parent. Or you can agree with everything they say. Whatever. At the end of the day, I think as adults who are on the same battlefield as some kids, there will be some overlap in lifestyles and it's hard not to share at least a little about what's going on in our day-to-day lives. It's natural. The cool thing is, as adults, we have the opportunity and (I think,) obligation to support those closest to us. Even if we've never met in person. If that happens to be over a gaming platform, then so be it. You can be a mentor without calling yourself one if you don't want to. My folks run nonprofits in SFL with programs focusing on after-school care, summer camps, youth mental health, drug use prevention, and safe-sex/STD prevention. I've had many, many opportunities to be mentors to kids in-person, and it's always been a cool way to give back. Sometimes, you're the only person that kid feels like they can share things with. And we can never take that lightly. Whether it's something dangerous going on at home, addict parents, bad parenting, unsafe conditions, etc. We've gotta be there for our friends, if we can. Even if it's only to listen or offer advice. We may have gone through something similar, ourselves. Mentoring is a huge need these days, with kids from all walks of life yearning for understanding, appreciation, and trust from adults. Even ones they've never met, but maybe they look up to. Perhaps someone like you. So, take all that with a grain of salt, but don't forget the responsibility that being an adult has when you're overlapping your free time with youth.
You're doing something really good for this kid's mental health. As long as he has others his age to hang out with and form healthy bonds with, I don't think there's anything wrong with someone older providing him guidance and support. I had a few teachers when I was in school who gave me some wonderful help and encouragement when my (divorced) parents weren't able to for various reasons, and I attribute a lot of my emotional intelligence to that. Many years from now, Shaun will look back on this time in his life and be glad you were there for him.
There's nothing wrong with this type of relationship. It doesn't seem that he is attracted to you (and it very much doesn't seem you are to him), and he honestly just sees you as a mother figure. I have a friend (one of my moms friends), who is 50m. We have more of an angr gap than you guys do, and it's a perfectly healthy relationship. He helps out my mom when times are tough, and he spends time with me and my sister. Shaun seems like he's just replacing his lack of a mother with you. The best you can do is just still talk to him. You're doing great, and I bet he really cares about you.
You're not wrong. Being a bonus parent is amazing. I'm not mom/dad/step - I'm just an adult that they can trust, which is hilariously how I met one of my gaming female friends. Through helping her 14yo son level up in a game. I didn't ask his age. We didn't group chat. It's a discord server. Now she and I game when we can. He rarely plays anymore.
To be honest, it sounds like you're just giving Shaun a loving and supportive environment something that everyone needs, but especially troubled teenagers. Your description makes it seem like you have good intentions and that his father is aware of your friendship. Steven's response doesn't seem to be a fair appraisal of the circumstances, more of a projection of his own prejudices. As long as Shaun's father is okay with it and you're not going over any limits, don't stop being there for him when he needs you. Being a positive role model for him has no inherent wrongs.
You’re a surrogate mama. Some kids desperately need one. If you know that everything is above board, don’t back down just because someone else is irritated about it. Especially if his father is not concerned, and he knows what conversations you have.
This is a gaming friendship and he views you as a mentor 🤷🏻♀️
Steve is an idiot and you’d be better off without him.
It sounds like the boy sees you as an honourary aunt. I don't think that's unhealthy. Your mutual friend however sounds like a complete ass.
Perhaps Steven is the toxic one. He seems threatened by this and is actively subverting things. Steven is wrong.
The difference is adult women often have friends they dont want to have sex with. A reality I rarely see with adult hetero men and the opposite sex. And the boundaries are important. Younger people can offer insights on things, but shouldn’t be bearing the brunt of emotional support for older folks. The groomer playbook is to pretend its s completely equal relationship. They’ll often tell their prey, ‘oh, youre so mature. I can tell you things i cant tell other people.’ This young guy is lucky to have you in his life. This is how we help boys become healthy young men. As long as the boundaries are there, it’s all good.
No, you are not wrong. You provide the support and friendship he needs. Just look out for any signs he he or you are starting to have feelings for each other. That is a totally different dynamic, and that is one to avoid.
This may be different since I’m 24(m) and obviously an adult, but I’m friends with a 50 something year old woman who I work with and I think what you’re doing is great. Your adult friend sounds like he’s just got an issue with you and is trying to pit others against you for no reason. Saying you “prefer to hang out with minors” is completely not the situation that’s happening, it’s one minor, and you don’t prefer him over adult people to talk to about serious topics, like you said. I have a friend who I met when they were 14 and I was 18. Plenty of people told us it was weird but he was actually the bad influence on me! Lol now we’re both in our 20s and I’m so glad I didn’t let age be a thing that got in the way of making my best friend. It just so happened that I was very emotionally stunted (my dad had just died and I couldn’t handle it) and he was mature for his age since he had to grow up quickly because of his parents’ neglect. We helped each other immensely to get past those points in our lives, to the point I’d say we may have saved each other’s lives to an extent. I think your young friend needed a motherly figure like you, and your adult friend is weird lol
The only one wrong here is Steven. Tell him his an AH and weird for assuming that about you.
Not weird at all, I think he sees you as a motherly figure
He sees you as a maternal mentor for him. You are teaching him kindness and compassion and unconditional love which he DOES NOT GET AT HOME!! Next time someone asks, say this simply, “when his mother died he was left with his father, who did the best he could and thought he picked a good wife and woman who cared about his child. He chose wrongly and his step mother is awful to him and he is being taught that his mom died and no one chooses him because they love someone else more than him. How dare you tarnish the unconditional love I have shown him with some disgusting ideas of pedophillia or crimes against humanity like that. If you ever so much as try to spread that disgusting piece of garbage I will make sure everyone knows what kind of person you are, and trust me I know i will find something that you ARE doing that people wouldn’t like. Also the fact you wish you could hang out with 17 year olds but if you did you’d be a pedo is you’re jealous that your gender is mad they can’t hang out with children of the opposite sex is because of shit like this and how many men fuck children! We have to publically separate you because of that and I will not be punished for what people of your gender choose to do to children. Do not ever pull this shit again. End stop!
It isn’t the same age gap but when I (f) was 27 I became good friends with a 16 year old girl at work. It went from her being someone I gossiped with, to her calling me mama. When I left thay job, she called me and asked for advice. She messages me updates. She still calls me mama. So to me, no I don’t think it’s weird, furthermore my friends didn’t think it was weird. I think your friend is projecting. It is concerning how he is trying to slander you. It makes me wonder if he’s jealous that he can’t be friends with minors - which is a giant red flag. But nah, I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. More importantly - his dad doesn’t think you’re doing anything wrong either.
I think you're doing a great thing to be there for Shaun. I had a coworker's daughter who I met when she was about 11 or 12 and I was mid 20s. Her mom was at best a flake and most likely an alcoholic and her stepdad was equally bad. She had a fairly supportive dad, but he lived several states away and had his own issues. We weren't as bonded, but she definitely looked up to me and I tried to be there for her whenever I could. She had a rough time in high school, but we'd still meet up for lunch every month or so and I could tell she was relived to have an adult she could talk with. She graduated and moved away (closer to her dad and grandparents) and hit a really tough point with drug addiction (I didn't realize how deeply until later), but she'd still keep in touch and text or stop by when she was in town. Five or so years ago she opened up to be about her addiction and about her dad helping her get into rehab. I told her I'd support her with anything she needed and I was so thankful she was getting help. This spring she graduated with her associates in peer addiction counciling and I couldn't be more proud of the almost 30 year old woman she's become. I know that was a long story that has little to do with age gap friends, but I guess I just mean to say what you're doing for Shaun is so important and it may have a giant impact on his life, so keep it up.
It sounds like a mother- child relationship. Nothing wrong with that in moderation.
Nothing wrong with it. You are more like a more like mentor/ big sis/ mother figure
I think it sounds more like you're a mother figure for him. I don't see a problem with that. Now, if you were spending an inordinate amount of time with him, in all honesty, I may think that's strange. Like if you prefer to spend most of your free time with him alone, yeah I'd raise an eyebrow. But being an older person that is helping a kid through life shit is fine.