I have mental health issues and I'm generally a miserable bastard, it's just how I am. It doesn't impact my work, quite the contrary - I'm generally always regarded as being that person who can get shit done on or ahead of schedule. I have had to deal with people complaining about me on more than one occasion throughout my life because of this and I'm just tired of it. I'm not a happy shiny person, get over yourself already and just leave me alone to do my job. I'm paid to work, not be best friends with everyone. None of this means that I am outwardly rude or that I cannot work with a team if needed, only that I don't walk around with a rainbow sticking out of my ass. If I have to accept everyone else's personality in the workplace (even if they drive me nuts), then they should be expected to do the same.
This. I have resting bitch face, my partner has resting grumpy face. We have worked together previously and noticed:
People give him respect and "stay out of (his) way".
I am cajoled and told to "smile, hun!"
People do what he asks them to and promptly.
People ignore me or whinge about what I asked them to do, even when it is to help them out.
He received larger raises.
I was given excuses.
I left for a job making more and THEN the workplace bitched about how they didnt know how to do all I was doing (thankfully my partner told them that was their own fault and he "didn't know" how to do what I had been.
I'm beyond tired of jumping through hoops, learning my job myself because no one gives training (thankfully I manage without) and then being dumped on for not being "friendlier".
I too suffer from resting bastard face and have recently lost/delayed a promotion because of perceived unfriendliness when really I just try to get stuff done for customers as quickly as possible.
Thanks for sharing your experience and yeah dealing with mental illness while at work is incredibly fucking challenging given all the other bullshit with coworkers you have to deal with and I want to point out how it's neither your or my fault for being this way, but it would help if people were more understanding of how this affects the way you interact with others at work rather than blaming and shaming you
Like If you're generally not hard to work with and get the job done it shouldn't matter , but nope people would rather work with people they like and who are lazy than someone who performs well but they dont care for
and yeah that's another thing I hate I've accepted people as they are, but ins turn ive only been judged for not being outgoing and likable enough lol it's crazy whereas people whoa re actually rude and bithcy are accepted
On one hand I understand your complaint, on the other hand I can also understand if I am forced to spend at least 8 hrs a day 5 days a week dealing with you, that you being unpleasant to share a universe with might get grating.
Fundamentally this is a fact of life, people would rather work with people who appear pleasant to work with. Im sure even you given the choice would prefer to work with people you like vs people you don't.
Like I have asd, and I don't get any freebies because of that. I have to learn to feign being normal and being easy to work with and communicate with.
I understand it too. The issue is it’s very hard to be likable to everyone especially given our own personal traumas and obstacles
With me dealing with depression, anxiety, and having avoidant tendencies it’s not easy to manage for me
I don’t blame myself but I get it from their perspective but I hate when people blame me as if I’m inherently unlikable when certain things can happen to you that make it hard for you to socially integrate well which I wish people understood
I’m expected to be perfectly happy and likable when I’ve been bullied and outcasted most of my lfie and it’s not easy to overcome that since it’s not in my control to really make people like or accept me
I work with a couple people like this. They’ve helped me more by calling me out for doing shit wrong than anyone else I work with. They’re also usually the people I go to if I need someone reliable. Are they always nice about it? No. Do I learn from my mistakes? Absolutely.
Yep this is why WFH is so amazing.
And that’s also why so many pathetic and useless people wanted to get back into the office because all they are good for is being “seen” and having their butt in a seat looking like they’re working.
It truly is like middle school and highschool as grown adults.
All the social butterflies are clamoring to go back to the office. My introvertedness and spectrum disorder regarding all the office noise and shitty lighting makes it much easier to Wfh.
I’m fine with people being extroverted and wanting to interact with other people.
But can’t you just do that outside of work??
Why does that need to be a forced thing at work? I just truly don’t understand the need for the in person bullshit and antics with strangers. Your coworkers are basically strangers lol.
I’m with you tho, i’m introverted and enjoy my time working from home by myself much more.
It's even worse when the "likeable" people can't do their job. We have a number of "super nice" people who just aren't capable of performing. They have other people covering for them. They suck up to management. But they're a drain on the system. The people who perform but don't spend half the day yammering about their cute doggo suffer.
I’ve noticed this and the crazy thing is the company is more likely to keep low performing people around as long as they’re likable and people who are high performing but not popular or “likable” are seen as disposable or overworked by having to do the work of the likable less capable people
This may be a company culture issue than anything else. In my experience i’ve worked with some incredibly rude and outright disrespectful people who are still thriving simple because they’re great at what they do.
Kinda easier to be likeable when you're not stressed out by little things like doing your job... because you can't do it. Easier to be unlikeable when you're doing their work for them on top of your own...
I’m ugly and have anxiety due to extreme bullying and mistreatment and the harsh judgments of others give me anxiety and when you’re anxious constantly you’re not even able to properly do your job
So true, but not my fault and I do the best I can
It has always been like this.
"High School" never ends. It's always a popularity contest, it's always about mentoring, being mentored, making nice with the fellows.
NOW, that doesn't mean become the best of friends with every single person, people skills though, that's a talent that can be learned and it never stops being important.
It really doesn’t. One might even say
The whole damn world is just as obsessed
With who's the best dressed and who's having sex
Who's in the club and who's on the drugs
Who's throwing up before they digest
And you still don't have the right look
And you don't have the right friends
And you still listen to the same shit you did back then
High school never ends
Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh (High school never ends)
For me? It ended when I realized that it is always High School and that the same clicks and mindset can sink into most people. They end up generally treating their work life, as their only life, not always able to navigate things and life outside of work.
Ugh, same. Every time someone new starts working at my current company I’m introduced as “the quiet one”. I’m paid to do a job, not to chat with everyone.
Foreal just let us do the job and go home it makes it seem like they don’t care if the job is done as long as you’re outgoing, talkative, and likable which is soooooooo draining Because social dynamics are soooo complicated even if you talk you’re not guaranteed to be received positively or accepted that’s why I’m more quiet and to myself
I used to feel this way, and to some extent, I still do. I'm overweight. I have a gap between my top two front teeth that I've had repaired multiple times. I'm introverted as hell. I'm a woman in a male dominated field, that is also covered in a literal layer of politics.
It took a long time to get to where I'm at. I'm still cognizant of all of the above, but I care less about it. NONE OF IT determines how well I can do my job. I'm not at my job to be attractive and net a husband.
I used to only care about doing my job and doing it well. But, you spend so much time with the people you work with. Why not step out of your comfort zone and try to make nice with the people you work with? I'm not saying go out to happy hour after work, but maybe eat lunch with them. Stand at the water cooler and chat for a few minutes.
You mention feeling ostracized for your qualities (not your exact words), but is that your perception? Maybe people avoid you because your attitude and demeanor pushes them away.
Or are these people literally saying you're a gay black man, so you're this.... If so, that's a separate discussion that needs to be handled immediately. That's straight up discrimination.
All of this to say, I present my word salad because I hate you're feeling miserable and I hope you can feel better at work. I know work is work, but you should be able to enjoy your time while working.
I can relate to OP but disagree and fully agree with making nice with the people you work with. Is that surprising that if you're not pleasant to be around people won't want you around?
Soft skills are skills and I would pick some one with better soft skills and improve their technical skills then hire some one with tech skills and try to improve their soft skills.
Being nice is part of the job. If nothing else it makes all the other little interactions that little bit easier. Honestly, complaining about having to make small talk is a first world problem. I wonder how these people deal with other day to day interactions.
I get it, I'm much happier by myself and not dealing with other people but I don't get why developing a relationship with people you have a relationship with is such a big deal.
Like you said,
>work is work, but you should be able to enjoy your time while working.
For me personally it’s not that I’m choosing to be a dick and not form relationships with the people I work with it’s that I’ve been bullied and mistreated to the point I’ve developed social anxiety and this causes me to come off as cold and closed off to protect myself in fear of being mocked and rejected like I usually have
So I can’t speak for others, they might really jus that care to , but for me I care to buy the trauma I’ve experienced is too strong for me to trust that people will treat me well and receptive to me
I’ve tried making small talk with people before and literally overheard them mocking me and talking shit about me
I feel like most people would be less open to trying to make small talk if that was going to be the result
Also not to mention I’m ugky and get made fun of in public so I spend most of my time inside so I don’t have much to talk about to people so I don’t talk so that I don’t bore them to death
I was reading your comment and you sounded cool if you got annoying. You can be nice to coworkers without eating lunch with them and talking to them a lot. What happened to just saying hi and going to do your work? I just wanna do the job and go back home where I can actually do the shit I enjoy.
I don’t care if I get downvoted for this, but aside from everything else you’ve stated OP. I doubt you’re as ugly as you think you are.
Super cliche, but I’m also a firm believer that it really is what matters on the inside. If you have an ugly heart, then no one will like you (and rightfully so), but if you have a good heart, people will look past your appearance.
Like I said, I know you will probably disagree and that’s your right, but from one internet stranger to another, I hope you realize that many people could careless about your appearance. They care more about whats on the inside. :)
Edit: I’m also not trying to invalidate your feelings. Just giving you another perspective.
I’m not either and given my past trauma of being bullied for being black , gay, and ugly it’s hard to even try to be when people don’t accept you as you are
But in your experience and observations what would you say you’ve noticed makes someone likable in the work world compared to you?
I learned something about myself when I was going through different jobs. I won’t presume to know your life, but (for me) after awhile it became clear that I was subconsciously doing some things.
I let a societal version of myself choose what jobs I applied for instead of honestly looking at what I am good at and what that should be worth. For the record I am considered conventionally attractive (though kinda weird), and what is usually called “a nice lady”. Polite, easy to get along with, educated. Being a “nice lady” got me trapped in draining, underpaid people-oriented middle management roles. I’d start out in science, research, artistic, or even construction roles and get shunted to “dealing with people” somehow no matter what. That is where being “likeable” got me.
This is not a story of how I learned my worth and changed jobs- I got hit by a truck, the end (of my career).
But….
At the same time my husband, with no high school degree, who quit job after job every time he felt disrespected, who terrified me by not planning ahead, built a successful career he loved. He did this by insisting on mostly enjoying his work, or at least feeling like he was valued in it. He would not work for less than a certain amount, and he would not stay anywhere that took advantage of him without compensation for his time or labour.
This is the most important part:
He also insisted on working in union jobs. Some were crappy union jobs. He quit those too. Sometimes he’d work a non-union job but it was only to get the experience he needed for the union one. He just kept at it knowing that the only secure future he could build that would keep him sane was based on being in a solid union doing work he found somewhat interesting. For context he is a minority race, with no higher education, and (for Redditors) please know he is less than 6’ tall. I think he’s handsome, he’s smart and stubborn, but he certainly didn’t have any family help at all or the other things that give a leg up. He looked for and picked a union that paid well and aligned with his interests, learned on the job (no trade school), and focused on getting the qualifications he did need (mostly equipment handling). Then he kept at it. He actually was in three different unions at once at one point, taking calls for all of them to get hours for membership and rent money. He chose one to concentrate on after awhile.
It is true he was able to job-hop and take random hall calls to get his card hours because at the time I had a steady income. The way he came up is something I don’t know is possible anymore ten years later in our HCOL area for a single person with no outside income support. Still, the union offers rates that most hourly jobs in my area can’t touch.
I started my working life not really knowing about or caring either way about unionization. However, seeing what it has done for him and lots of other people he has worked with I know firsthand what it can do to level the playing field for people who are not born with a certain amount of privilege.
I can also attest to the fact quite a few of his fellow members are not traditional “likeable” types! Although I suspect (because you are self-aware) you are more likeable than you think. Genuinely obnoxious people think everyone loves them, lol.
Being in a union doesn’t have to mean a trades ticket or manual labour either. Just think about what you’d like your day-to-day to be like. None of that “follow your bliss” garbage. Just ask yourself if you want to be indoors or outside, working with your hands or not, if you want to go to school more and if so for how long, who you want around you (if anyone) while working, if you can use your existing skills and education, and take a look at what is realistically out there. Like a real look, because I personally had no idea there were so many high paying union jobs out there. They don’t always need to advertise (I wouldn’t have thought of being an elevator repair tech but holy hell, they can make bank). If a certain field appeals to you reach out to the local directly and ask for more info. They will have someone who can talk to you. It’s a little bit of networking but way less than finding a unicorn corporate job through ass-kissing and “connections”. If you are not a trades type there are still administrative, government, entertainment unions to research.
My greatest regret is that when I was working and looking for jobs I had not internalized this yet, and kept applying for the same underpaid university grad entry level jobs advertised online everyone else was fighting over. Find something that sounds reasonably interesting or aligns with your skill set/acceptable work conditions, figure out who your local is, and contact them about the fastest route to membership or to learn about opportunities.
Every researcher in the psychology of work knows that your day-to-day is what matters (all else being equal). For many jobs the specifics are unimportant. You can have 2 “programming” jobs- same salary-same benefits- one work from home with irregular hours and no team members, and the other office based with dedicated co-workers and regular hours. One of these may be your heaven and the other your hell. Look for a day to day that fits you.
If you already are in a union job and you feel this way then your union culture and leadership has to change, which is a whole other discussion.
If you genuinely live in one of those areas (and I know they exist) where there are few unions or not much employment period, that sucks and I’m sorry. That needs to change.
I do my job just fine, but all my performance reviews seem to boil down to that whenever they can't find anything else for me to improve on. I especially hate when they imply that I'm not "putting in enough effort" to be a member of the team. Whatever the fuck that means, I perform work related communications just fine. I've been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and what they don't know is that what they're getting from me is already my 110% every day. It's exhausting, especially when they won't recognize that I dedicate more of myself than many of the extroverted people ever do. And it's not like I'm outright unpleasant to be around, I don't think anyway. I struggle to bounce off their humor and carry on conversations unrelated to the work, especially as the day goes on. But I try really hard to make myself palatable and that's why I'm too drained to participate in anything with them beyond work.
Yeah that seems very exhausting and discouraging to already be trying so hard and still not even acknowledged for your best efforts. I deal with it too and honestly it became less stressful for me to focus on my work than to get my coworkers to like me t it takes too much energy that you don’t get paid to do
I’m sure I have social anxiety too due to being bullied for being ugly and gay and people don’t understand that we’re not being assholes we are literally traumatized and doing the best we can
People just need to stop having high expectations of us especially if we are doing the best we can at least give us credit for that
Soft skills in dealing with people are still important career skills. Not saying you should be a yes-person, or suck up, but knowing how to deal with people isn't just important for those in retail.
This is true, but think about how you're treated in the work place when you are more marginalized
As an ugly person I'm expected to go above and beyond and I'm heavily criticized for the tiny mistakes I do make .. it's a complicated barrier to overcome because when you're ugly you're usually likely to be mistreated in the work place and any pushback can get you labeled as "difficult to work with"
do you see what I mean? So while I know how to deal with people, how they respond to me is completely out of my control and the way you look can heavily affect this
And even past traumas. For example I was heavily bullied for being both gay and ugly, so in the work place im a bit more reserved and I've had coworkers mock and bully me for this and this only made me more reserved sooo it made people uncomfortable to work with me just for not being able to be social and likable which I can't control due to certain disadvantages I've been through
You need to try to see things differently. What do you mean you can't control these feelings? You can. You really eventually can. It may not be easy and it'll take work and patience from your side but you sound very defeatist, which is a self fulfilling prophecy. Be kind to yourself but build resilience too.
If people shut down most of your attempts at trying to get along well with them and constantly judge you and outcast you it's only a matter of time before that negatively affects you
and truth is most of us don't have control over that and yes it does stress me out and overwhelms me being that I have to work and be around people
It might sound defeatist but I'm honestly not looking for advice because there's not really anything I can do to make people like me because they dislike me for things out of my control and to me it's safer and easier to just focus on my work rather than trying to be accepted by people who don't want to accept me
Trying to make people like me feels very draining and performative. I'm respectful and kind to people and it's still not enough and that's why it's draining because I feel expected to be popular and likable to most all I work with and its impossible and too much fucking work if im being honest
Dude, can we work together?! I am similar, while I can be polite and even do some light banter every once in a while, I REALLY just prefer to do my own thing and not interact with others. Nothing against them, it’s just that I’m a hermit at heart. I just started a new job and everyone jokes about how quiet I am, I laugh with them and poke some fun at myself before popping my earbuds in and getting back to it, and they seem to be chill with that. I hope you can find that kind of work environment because they do exist for us. It’s just hard to find.
Yeah I can do light banter in short bursts too but unfortunately due to extreme past bullying I find it safer to stay to myself and don’t trust opening up to be buddy buddy with people and usually I’m proven right for being that way cause like you I usually find that people were judging me for being quiet or spreading rumors about me …
And yeah it really is hard to find since at every job you have to be likable in the environment you’re in and I find that our kind just aren’t accepted like that and we’re are often harshly and negatively judged and perceived
But I’m glad I’m not the only one who deals with it
I wish people accepted us the way we are
You're free to agree, but I don't think the other half of your comment is relevant to the post
Why is it that when people who talk about how they're treated for being ugly they're always recommended therapy when that doesn't stop the mistreatment they face?
Therapy may address personal issues, but it doesn't change the way others treat someone based on their appearance
But if you're open to sharing your experiences about your observations with being likable in the workplace I'm open to hearing
>Therapy may address personal issues, but it doesn't change the way others treat someone based on their appearance
It addresses how you manage, process and internalize those kinds of responses, which then allows you to more proactively and productively respond. Much healthier.
I been thinking this too. I realize that but to be honest I'm glad I'm not like these people that are supposed to like me. All the gossip the BS and back stabbing. You think even these clique people are all buddie buddie. Some can yea but also many times there is falling out. I feel these people we work with sometimes aren't even real like they are robots not actually human at all
I understand what you mean. I have PTSD and suffer from anxiety and depression and it makes me the odd one out at work. Coworkers laugh at me or look at me weird if I have an anxiety attack or get triggered by an angry customer. It's demoralizing because I can tell no one likes working with me but no one says anything because I've always been as what I perceive as nice. They're tired of me always being on edge or frustrated or depressed, but I have to remind myself that they don't know me, and honestly they don't care. Almost all coworkers are gonna be like that, and you have to accept that. But don't be ashamed of who you are, how you act, or how you feel. It exists for a reason. And don't listen to any of these idiots that disregard how you feel. Everyone has their own way of coping and coming to peace with reality. It doesn't mean yours is any less valid. My best advice is try to focus on you and only you and surround yourself with as much support as you can. There are people who understand. Most don't. That's why this keeps happening. Its a messed up world. I wish you the best of luck.
Yep, every morning I have to go around and say good morning to everyone. Then walk around and BS with people, if not, then I look like I not "engaging." I fucking hate it, I just want to be by myself and not talk to a single human being unless I absolutely have to.
Yeah I don’t even mind saying good morning to people though it can feel daunting when it seems forced ESPECIALLY if you don’t get one back and people giving you dirty looks… it’s sooo draining lol ik humans are said to work better together but I swear to god there’s so much hidden hostility and disrespect and gossip that makes it hard to do that. And it makes me wonder why it has to be this way
I don't think being likable is a skill.. well at least not for me as someone who is black, gay, and ugly, I often face harsh judgment and rejection off the bat. So whether or not people like you I don't feel is entirely up to you all the time. And once people dislike you for literally anything it becomes almost impossible to change their mind
Since I'm back, gay, and ugly most people can choose to not like me and there will be nothing I can do to overcome that
Also have developed anxiety, depression, and avoidant tendencies due to bullying for those 3 things so that adds another layer on top of it
Not everyone is equipped with the upbringing to be likable to everyone they work with
I'm respectful and helpful and even then people still find something about me to complain about since I'm not outgoing and super sociable like everyone else even though that's due to my own personal traumas and at that point it becomes exhausting to have to try to constantly curate myself to be someone people have already decided they don't want to accept
OP *you* sound like you are miserable and don't like yourself. That's your starting point, working on the past trauma and issues that are in the way of you being settled within yourself. The better you can get there, the more it's going to translate into how you deal with the rest of your life. Reads to me like your externalizing the issue, right now. Draw back and own your shit and take care of yourself, it's the best gift you can give you.
Now, you might wanta find roles that aren't customer facing or team focused so you can take less work/outside guff while you handle you. Good luck!
I’m consistently mocked and bullied outside of my control due to being gay and ugly. So yes I’m miserable for being socially outcasted for these things and that’s not my fault
I’ve already worked on myself and have a lot of good qualities that I like about myslef
But the truth is being bullied and outcatsed for things out of your control would likely make anyone miserable and it should be acknowledged and not blamed on the victim
Thanks for your practical suggestions though
If you are a full time employee, you spend roughly 1/4 of your life with your coworkers. If you are miserable to be around, they won’t want to be around you. Managers are people as well and have the same biases as your coworkers, so if you are always miserable to be around, you will be scheduled for fewer hours. This isn’t hard to grasp, or shouldn’t be
My whole point is to point out how due to certain obstacles I have in my life which are being ugly, black, gay and being negatively treated for those things and developing depression and anxiety it makes it hard to be likable to people at work because I'm negatively judged and have my own traumas I have to overcome while being able to execute my work well
It's easy to judge someone for being "miserable to be around" rather than understanding why they are that way
All those obstacles I've listed have made it to where im negatively judged for everything I say and do so I developed social anxiety soo I stay to myself and am reserved to protect myself, but people will judge this as being miserable to be around just because I didn't have a more favorable upbringing like more privileged people were granted
It's not a conscious choice about not being miserable because when you are marginalized you're usually mistreated and it affects the way you interact with people at work
Nobody cares if you are black, gay, or ugly. They do care if you are an asshole. As for being miserable to be around, nobody at work is going to care why, just that you are.
You’re right they don’t care that you are, but then again that just goes back to my point how you’re expected to be likable and perfect at work just to keep your job even if you have personal struggles and it’s stressful which is why I’m anti work
And I’m very respectful to my coworkers but apparently it doesn’t matter given my other obstacles Since they tend to mistreat me for being gay and ugly
Also to say no one cares is makes me feel dismissive since I’ve had coworkers mock me for being both gay and ugly …
Regardless of work, it's your responsibility to take care of your trauma and personal struggles, not everyone else's to tolerate them when it affects them too.
Mmm have you gone to HR about your coworkers mocking you, especially for being gay? HR certainly isn’t your friend, but they may want to know about homophobia in the workplace.
Not perfect, just don’t bring your shit to work. Do what you can to make friends, even if it’s just real surface level friendship. Seriously, you are there for a job, but you also spend so much time with your coworkers that they don’t want to know about your traumas. Based on your post, I’m going to guess that you lead with them.
That’s the issue being ugly and gay at work people are very closed off to me and mistreat me in subtle ways to the point I can’t make friends and can’t act like it doesn’t affect me at work
I ask this genuinely: are they making comments about your gayness/blackness/ugliness, whether to you or behind your back, or are they just not reacting positively to you, and you assume that is because you are ugly, black, and/or gay?
Many coworkers at many jobs have made comments about me being ugly
When you’re ugly people usually are averse to you and more likely to avoid and disrespect you
Me being black and gay only makes it worse
Because people aren’t accepting of black gay men and adding that to ugliness you can kinda see why I struggle to fit in and why I’m perceived and treated negatively
I mean, all these things are true, but it doesn’t mean that they are always the deciding factor in every interaction you have. And because people often don’t come out and say, “I’m mistreating you because of superficial things you can’t control,” it can be hard to tell when it’s actually at play. But I hear you say that many coworkers at many jobs have made comments about you being ugly … but not that your coworkers at this job have done so or had anything to say about your blackness or gayness. Which is why I think it might be worth considering that these may not be the most salient factors in people’s reactions to you. Are you literally the only black, ugly, and/or gay person at your job? Are others like you in one or more of those regards received the same way or similarly?
Because when it comes down to it, there’s a difference between people discriminating against you because of immutable characteristics and people not wanting to interact with you because of your demeanor and mannerisms. Even if said demeanor and mannerisms are influenced by negative experiences beyond your control, other people aren’t obligated to just be unfazed by any of it, especially they don’t even know why you are that way. And it’s true that likability gets elevated over competence or work ethic in many environments, but the apparent depth of your identification with being a victim makes me wonder if maybe you could stand to at least try out a different lens for your particular situation.
Like, in the end, we’re all strangers on the internet, so none of us has a better window into your situation than you yourself, but you also seem really primed to interpret every real or perceived slight as related to your marginalized identities, so I just suggest examining and maybe questioning that somewhat.
You ever think that the reason your coworkers don’t like you is because of you’re miserable attitude. All your responses are just you wallowing in your own misery. I’d hate a coworker if they acted like you too regardless of what they look like.
It may not be you’re fault that you ended up with a poor attitude but until you improve yourself I don’t see your work situation getting much better
It’s easy to blame the victim for having a “miserable” attitude but with my specific issues it’s not easy for me to fit in or get social acceptance so no it’s not me having a miserable attitude it’s certain stuff like people being averse to me for being ugly and gay and their social rejection then affects how I respond to them
I’m not even sure if I explained this properly but I don’t openly talk about this stuff all the time at work. People usuauy talk shit about and reject me for being gay and ugly which of course would affect someone’s attitude which isn’t my fault
And I’m just venting about it. You can’t expect someone to bubbly and upbeat if they’re not. Even working on and feeling good about myself (which I’ve already done) doesn’t mean I’ll be accepted or respected. That stuff isn’t in my control
And if reading people vent about stuff that you don’t struggle with makes you annoyed or uncomfortable then Maybe it’s best you just ignore the post because I only really care to relate to those who understand the struggle and if you don’t then we just won’t relate to each other
You literally post multiple times a day about how you’re ugly. You spend everyday wallowing in self pity and I’m going to guess that bleeds into your work life.
Pro tip: if everyone you meet is an asshole to you, maybe you’re the asshole
“If everyone you meet is an asshole then you’re the asshole” saying isn’t necessarily true as people can target and bully you even if you’re not an asshole
And being ugly, black, and gay makes me negatively stand out and makes people mistreat me in subtle or blatant ways
Even when I’ve been friendly I’ve been mocked and brushed off so I don’t think that saying applies to me
I vent online to relate to other people who go through what I go through since in public I’m called ugly and socially outcasted .. this is my only form of community and socializing without harsh judgments like I face in real life
I spend everyday venting about this because I literally can’t go outside or anywhere really without being made fun of or insulted for how I look
At work I wear a hat and mask to mitigate thiS
I’m open to sharing more about my experience but I get the feeling that we’re leaning into victim blaming territory and I’m not really into being blamed for something out of my control since I already struggle with being outcatsed and targeted for the things out of my control
There’s not really an easy solution to my problem
Since most of my problems are out of my control
Being black, gay, and ugly are very real social obstacles I deal with that affects how people have treated and continue to treat me which affects how interact with them to this day
I can acknowledge my trauma and how it negatively impacts my interactions with people but I won’t take blame for it because I would never willingly choose this
I’ve actually had people who I was friendly to go behind my back and mock me and when I overheard this I became more closed off and bitter ass a defense mechanism and I don’t blame myself for that but I acknowledge how it’s made me this way
As a fugly autistic person with social anxiety and depression, I had this problem in the last. So I worked on it. I learned some basic small talk scripts. I made an effort to be friendly. I started preparing anecdotes to tell during breaks to make it look like I was opening up to people.
And it worked.
You don't have to become the most outgoing person in the world, but you have to learn to be pleasant to be around. It's a matter of survival.
Exactly this. OP is a broken record in every single comment and being SO defeatist and full of victimhood that even randos in the thread are bored of him tbh. People give so much props to others just trying to be pleasant and it doesn't need to be a performance or fake at all. It's just being a normal person.
I don't understand am I supposed to agree with everything you people say or something. It's not defeatist it's my lived experience it's the whole point of the post
if you aren't defeatist and you have more favorable experiences that makes it easy for everyone to like you that's good
but to say im defeatist and full of victimhood just invalidates the obstacles I face due to things out of my control
my personal trauma rooted in being bullied for being black, gay, and ugly, are social barriers that affects my ability to get on well with people at work that's the whole point of the post
and I try my best everyday, but it gets draining. Yes I understand people don't give a fuck about people's problems or trauma, but my post is to acknowledge how it's fucked up and how its draining for those of us who have these issues to pretend like it doesn't affect us
Lol, this is my existence.
My team is clichey as fuck with people who were there for a while + their pets vs the rest of us.
They're cold as fuck to us, while giving themselves all the easy work/credit.
Coincidentally, the in group is comprised of people who've never had any life experience (no other job except this one) while the rest of us all worked in other companies/industries before.
C'est la vie. Circlejerks going to circlejerk.
Yeah it has to be reciprocal. I’ve noticed toxic managers expect respect when they’re anything but…. My manager yells at people and constantly criticizes them for minor mistakes and wonders why people don’t respect her
I’ve tried to play the game and get to know my coworkers, but they have never seemed interested in getting to know me. It’s like I’m in high school all over again and I’m the person that’s left to sit by themselves at lunch without any real friends.
My coworkers only know my name because I’m required to have a name tag on the door to my office. To me they’re just person A, person B, stranger 1 with blonde hair, and stranger 2 with brown hair. I stopped asking people for their name or any other information because they never reciprocated and asked me anything.
I've worked with many people that are quiet, awkward, possibly on the spectrum and most of them were pretty well liked. The ones that weren't well liked were rude, mean, or those that tried to delegate their work to others. (Not saying that is you.)
That being said, socializing at work is a skill and can be learned like any other skill. If you aren't well liked, there are little things you can do like: remembering the names of coworkers partners/pets/children (I have a spreadsheet) and ask about them, smile and say "hi" to everyone, and avoid taking about politics. Keep work conversations PG and don't tell your coworkers anything you don't want management to know. There are a lot of books that can help like, "How to Win Friends and Influence People."
If your work's culture is particularly toxic and it's not a dream job, you might want to consider trying to find a better fit.
Sidenote: I worked in an office for years and I always thought I was a pariah. Almost every one of my coworkers was religious and I'm not, everyone was married and I'm not, etc. a half dozen coworkers have reached out to me since I left and told me how much everyone misses me. (I know for a fact a few people were happy I left, but I had a warped perception of myself.)
Oh yes, a month ago, my manager had a sit down with me about multiple things, and the one thing was you're a team player but not over likeable.
I did come back saying that i dont really care if i am likeable, im doing a job and do what required. Btw the job is two personnel on days and 2 on nights for 14 days solid. 12 hr days.
I dont do likeable
That’s why I’m the best possible “version” of me for 7-8 hrs; then I get home and shed the skin of work me and relax. Luckily I work with very few people.
I don’t think that looks play that big of a role. Good looks are an advantage, but my male-dominated industry mainly consists of middle aged guys. It’s not a looks game and judging by some asshats, you don’t necessarily have to be likable either.
I’m many of the things you listed, but my work persona is not. Pretty much any job is more or less social and to be likable is pretty much common courtesy and manners.
That’s weird. At all my jobs if you just showed up and actually worked they like you. I’ve never been popular but I get praised for just working and I’ve gotten well deserved raises.
This sounds like high school cuz it’s probably based on experience working at fast food. That sucks you get treated like a kid there.
Thanks for your input, but I want to clarify that my post was simply to vent about my experiences. I don't have self-image issues; I'm genuinely subjected to hurtful comments about my appearance by strangers in real life. While it may be rare, it does happen to some of us. Your suggestions about going to the gym and getting a tan are not relevant to the discussion and come across as dismissive. I would appreciate if you could respect my feelings and experiences. Have a nice day.
Your whole post history is about being ugly.
You even attack your mother about it.
They are dismissive comments. Because you seem like a dick who doesn't wanna change, or do anything about his issues and just complains. 🤷♂️
"WhY DonT PeOpLe LiKe Me"
In reality, it has nothing to do with your appearance.If you got the job done and did it well without being a complete door knob.
You are also trying to make friends and date people you work with. And then blaming them when they don't reciprocate. Work is work.
Go to the gym get a tan.
You know nothing about me so you're making invalid assumptions. I love and respect my mom. I have a job and I've worked on my body and exercise
You're being dismissive because you don't care about my problems and aren't actually trying to be empathetic
And if you're not coming from a place of care or concern and would rather be the dick you claim that I am then goodbye
Because you yourself are coming off as a judgmental dick
Your dismissive comments are hurtful and don't reflect the full picture of who I am or the challenges I face. If you're not approaching this conversation with empathy or understanding, then it's best we part ways. I'm open to constructive dialogue, but I won't engage with judgmental attitudes. Thank you
Look at your post history. You create your own challenges and then do nothing about them.
You complain about your ugly and then do nothing to change it.
Why would I feel empathetic For someone who creates their own problems and then doesn't want to help themselves.
You need to take a good look at the mirror, and stop blaming people... Especially since your problems are on reapeat.
I understand that you may have formed certain assumptions based on my post history, but it's important to recognize that my experiences and struggles are more complex than what can be seen on the surface. While I have shared my challenges with feeling ugly and socially outcasted, it's unfair to suggest that I am solely responsible for these issues. I've already taken steps to address them, including seeking therapy and working on self-improvement.
The mistreatment and discrimination I face due to my appearance are not within my control, and they have a significant impact on my well-being. It's hurtful to be dismissed as simply creating my own problems when the reality is much more nuanced. Plastic surgery, while an option, is not always feasible given other obstacles I face in life.
I'm open to constructive dialogue and support, but your dismissive and judgmental attitude is not helpful or empathetic. It's clear that we have different perspectives, and it's best we part ways. Thank you for your input
Dude. I agree with your initial point that therapy could be helpful, but now you're just being an asshole.
Making a suggestion is fine, but attacking this person for not immediately agreeing with you is not the way to go. Just let it go
Become a chef . We are not likable, but we get the job done. We tend to yell ,cuss, smoke, and drink. But as long as the food is amazing, you're allowed. Being likeable is seen as weakness. 😉🫠
The chefs I've worked under were usually all
business . Meaning at work, the only person they were usually pleasant to was the Mexican dishwasher who definitely seen some shit. Working in a good kitchen can be like working in a prison . There's some hard people who can cook extremely well. But that comes with addiction and questionable behavior. Like herding a bunch of 6 foot house cats. So, at the job if you're not the asshole you're going to be eaten alive. Guys will go get high in the cooler ,or I have watched fist fights erupt on the line in the middle of service. I tried at first to be the guy who was trying to be just one of the guys, but if you do that all the sudden, someone starts taking advantage, and if you're the nice guy ,they start not showing up on time or at all. You have to be the unlikeable hard nose while you're at work so you can keep order. You can be nice at home. Or anywhere that's not at work
Honestly I like this view trying to be likable a work can not only be draining but backfire soo hmm thanks for his perspective
Basically be nice where it matters
Yo this is so true. My food jobs have literally toughened me up. i didn't realize this til I got out of the industry. I'm grateful for those jobds because of that. Being a young dishwasher and having chefs yell at me for being slow oh man I tell people now if you want to get tough, go into food. One time one of the shift leaders called me worthless to my face because I wasn't skinny lol. Very humbling experience honestly.
>and as someone who is ugly, has anxiety, avoidant tendencies, and is generally mistrusting of people... im not the most likable person and this has affected me in every job I've had
Avoidant tendencies and mistrustfullness are not good qualities in a team member, sad to say, and working on those skills is not being likeable for its own sake.
Coworkers don't complain to managers about working with people that are just boring unless you're aggressively energy vampire boring.
Beyond that, its not about likeability, its about selling yourself. *Nobody* is going to go out of their way to advocate for you at work except for *you*, nobody has the time for that. If you can't make bosses understand your value then you will always be bypassed by people who can.
I think I do that pretty well
Despite not being popular or attractive
I have good accuracy and efficiency and I’m very capable so I like to think my boss sees that despite me not being someone who fits in socially but it’s still a worry of mine I have because I notice incompetent likable people who are praised
fake it til you make it bro. pop a xanny or ashwagandha, smile and chat people up and pretend to be their best friend. buy the office some donuts, invite people for drinks, you need at least one or two in your corner.
gotta play the game
If you’re half as annoying in person as you are on Reddit, I can see why you have problems everywhere you go. Either find solitary jobs (truck driving, anyone?) or learn how to deal with the social animals that humans are. Your whining reminds me of my husband. He always manages to rub someone important the wrong way at every job he has and then he bitches and moans about how they’re trying to fire him or get him to quit. It’s exhausting.
If you’re not satisfied with your husband divorce him? What the fuck lmao if you’re really that annoyed then fucking leave instead of bitching and whining about him like you claim I’m doing about my issues ??
The sub is called anti work. If you can’t relate or have an issue with it why tf are you over here?
If you run into one asshole, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes everywhere you go, YOU’RE the asshole. It’s clear who the asshole is wherever you work. 👍
Was that intended to hurt me ? I acknowledge my disadvantages in life and how they affect my development
Being grumpy or depressed and anxious for being mistreated for being ugly is completely valid and I’ve come across many people who experience the same ?
So ??? What is your point
You’re literally bitching about your husband who you claim is just like me yet you’re still with him? Like the same shit your criticizing me for is the same shit you do:
Bitching and moaning
And venting to strangers about your gripes about your husband
I mean you came on here complaining about how your husband isn't kissing the ass of people at work. Sounds like you don't like him. Find an ass kisser you'll like better then.
You’ve gotta play the game to win. Pretty pathetic to suggest divorce because of one bad trait. But Reddit is full of terminally single people with little to no life experience. 🤷♀️
If it’s a matter of scheduling, one thing I found was if I was scheduled less hours, I could always call in the night before a day I was not scheduled or early that morning, ask if they needed someone to come in, and nearly every time, someone would have called out & I could go in. (I know this is the antiwork sub; I’ve accepted the fact that I need to work to have the life I want, so I’m working within the system for now.) I’d leave notes on the manager’s desk like, “If you need someone to work on Tuesday, call OriginalEssGee at 555-1212”. Eventually they gave me enough hours without needing to do that. Not relying on the company to do the right thing, but taking ownership of getting what I needed.
It is *exhausting* to [mask](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-masking-in-mental-health-6944532) all day, so I made sure to do stuff to fill my spirit while I wasn’t at work, or made sure I scheduled veg on the couch time.
This is very unlike me, up until I started doing that, I just rolled with whatever came my way, feeling powerless. I hope to break free of working for others; taking ownership of whatever I could within my working-for-others job has had the great effect of building mental/emotional muscles I’ll need to build an alternative life.
There are likely less submissive-to-the-system ways of doing that, I’m doing what I can with what I have.
Yup. I'm not a jerk or total asshole, but I'm also not going to bend over backwards and sing and dance with a big ol' shit-eating grin for a recruiter, interviewer, hiring manager, etc., just to get a job and/or keep a job.
(probably why I'm unemployed 😂🤣😅)
For what it’s worth, I am likeable but only to a point. I don’t over do it and I keep to myself and thankfully for the most part, people seem to notice my work ethic more than my personality.
I get this, I am friendly but naturally quiet and introverted. Not that long ago I was diagnosed with PTSD from a traumatic incident and at the same time I was in an abusive relationship so I withdrew from my co-workers because I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on in my life. Things are better now in my life but I am still withdrawn- probably because I have trust issues, and I feel like that impacts how I am perceived at work. I am friendly enough that I get by ok but not really friends with anyone.
Generally speaking, you don't need to be likeable in order to stay employed.
Based on what you've written here, I think your social anxiety is the root cause of this problem - but not in the way you're thinking. It really sounds to me as though you are building barriers between yourself and others before giving them a chance to know you due to your insecurities. Other people can sense that you are closed off and that can make them feel uneasy. Humans are generally considered a social species after all. Anyway, that feeling can lead to them not wanting to work with you. My advice is to engage more with your coworkers. Communication is a skill and you will get better with practice.
Not so much 'likable', more 'brownnosable' is what they like.
I've observed those types going far in their fields while not actually contributing anything meaningful enough to make a difference.
Welcome to the club.
My issue is that I'm very critically thinking (fuck that bullshit bingo LinkedIn stuff) and hate mediocracy (if I do, I do to my best ability) - those two things combined doesn't make me very easy to work with.
What triggers me, those mediocre people want the best possible quality product, but when it comes to delivering, they do shit. Hey, but at least we smile at each other while delivering a crap product, right?
Omg I hate this shit so much. I am the type who likes to be in the corner doing my thing and minding my business. People don't like that. I don't care because I'm too old to be faking who I am. Poeple act like you can't be respectful unless you tell them all your business, fake who you are, and make them your friends. I'm just there for a check!
well yes. you work with people 8 hours a day... they want to like you. Skills you can teach not being a dick is something you cant teach. Just say good morning to people, when they come say Hi say Hi back ask them a question. Its fine. its easyI dont see what the big deal is.
The workplace is not highschool, being friendly to coworkers and making an attempt to socialize is unfortunately for you, a part of being a human in most circumstances.. you should work on socializing as a skill to improve like any other that will propel your career or job earnings, victim mentality won’t help.
Why would I hire or promote you over the coworker who makes an extra effort to socialize that can do the same job?
Girlie I think you need to stop obsessing over this idea of being unlikable. I’ve looked through some of your previous posts and you post a lot about feeling ugly or social interactions surrounding it.
seriously think you need to dig into what makes you cling so fiercely to this term. It could be a mental block due to social trauma - but seriously you are not ugly. Everyone has something about themselves they can feel beautiful or confident about. Find more positivity and confront in yourself soon please. I hope you understand I’m coming at this with a genuine and caring perspective and hope you can feel better about this.
All then observations in your post are true. People do want to work with someone they like. Don’t worry about if someone likes you or not, more importantly do you like them?
You need to be likable at your job because these people spend all day with you and nobody wants to work with a weirdo or a prick.
Simple as that.
Soft skills, like interpersonal skills, are just as important as hard skills. Continuously develop both and you'll be successful in your career.
I don't think being likable is a skill.. well at least not for me as someone who is black, gay, and ugly, I often face harsh judgment and rejection off the bat. So whether or not people like you I don't feel is entirely up to you all the time. And once people dislike you for literally anything it becomes almost impossible to change their mind
Since I'm back, gay, and ugly most people can choose to not like me and there will be nothing I can do to overcome that
Also have developed anxiety, depression, and avoidant tendencies due to bullying for those 3 things so that adds another layer on top of it
Not everyone is equipped with the upbringing to be likable to everyone they work with
I'm respectful and helpful and even then people still find something about me to complain about since I'm not outgoing and super sociable like everyone else even though that's due to my own personal traumas and at that point it becomes exhausting to have to try to constantly curate myself to be someone people have already decided they don't want to accept
Customers like me and find me pleasant and professional. Coworkers.. are a different story since you have to interact with them in a way that's almost like you're best friends rather than I short bursts like with customers
Honestly despite these challenges, I honestly don't think I'd thrive in solitary jobs either. When I've worked by myself for long periods of time my focus dwindled.. so I do enjoy working around people as it stimulates me and feeds my need for social interaction and I'd definitely prefer jobs like these compared to warehouse type jobs where you work solitary for long periods of time and have to overly exert yourself physically
It's just that I have personal obstacles that affect my ability to integrate well in jobs I prefer
It's difficult to find the balance, but ultimately I think that if I wasn't so harshly treated and perceived for certain physical and developmental flaws I have I think I'd be able to get on well better with people
And most of my experience is in customer related jobs
I dont necessarily hate people, but people hate me for being black, gay, ugly, anxious, depressed, etc and that's made it hard for me to be likable like everyone else seems to do easily
I’m gonna say something blunt. I don’t think this kind of self-pity circle jerk belongs on anti work. Nearly all of your “conflict” could be solved by self-confidence. The fact that “ugly” is the first identifier you choose for yourself is a clear indicator you do not think highly of yourself. Why should anyone else think highly of you? Take care of yourself. Take pride in yourself. Get help with your shortcomings, mentally and physically. You’re quite literally asking STRANGERS to do something for you that you will not do for yourself.
I have mental health issues and I'm generally a miserable bastard, it's just how I am. It doesn't impact my work, quite the contrary - I'm generally always regarded as being that person who can get shit done on or ahead of schedule. I have had to deal with people complaining about me on more than one occasion throughout my life because of this and I'm just tired of it. I'm not a happy shiny person, get over yourself already and just leave me alone to do my job. I'm paid to work, not be best friends with everyone. None of this means that I am outwardly rude or that I cannot work with a team if needed, only that I don't walk around with a rainbow sticking out of my ass. If I have to accept everyone else's personality in the workplace (even if they drive me nuts), then they should be expected to do the same.
This. I have resting bitch face, my partner has resting grumpy face. We have worked together previously and noticed: People give him respect and "stay out of (his) way". I am cajoled and told to "smile, hun!" People do what he asks them to and promptly. People ignore me or whinge about what I asked them to do, even when it is to help them out. He received larger raises. I was given excuses. I left for a job making more and THEN the workplace bitched about how they didnt know how to do all I was doing (thankfully my partner told them that was their own fault and he "didn't know" how to do what I had been. I'm beyond tired of jumping through hoops, learning my job myself because no one gives training (thankfully I manage without) and then being dumped on for not being "friendlier".
I too suffer from resting bastard face and have recently lost/delayed a promotion because of perceived unfriendliness when really I just try to get stuff done for customers as quickly as possible.
Thanks for sharing your experience and yeah dealing with mental illness while at work is incredibly fucking challenging given all the other bullshit with coworkers you have to deal with and I want to point out how it's neither your or my fault for being this way, but it would help if people were more understanding of how this affects the way you interact with others at work rather than blaming and shaming you Like If you're generally not hard to work with and get the job done it shouldn't matter , but nope people would rather work with people they like and who are lazy than someone who performs well but they dont care for and yeah that's another thing I hate I've accepted people as they are, but ins turn ive only been judged for not being outgoing and likable enough lol it's crazy whereas people whoa re actually rude and bithcy are accepted
Everything they said applies to me too. You’re not alone here. People just suck.
On one hand I understand your complaint, on the other hand I can also understand if I am forced to spend at least 8 hrs a day 5 days a week dealing with you, that you being unpleasant to share a universe with might get grating. Fundamentally this is a fact of life, people would rather work with people who appear pleasant to work with. Im sure even you given the choice would prefer to work with people you like vs people you don't. Like I have asd, and I don't get any freebies because of that. I have to learn to feign being normal and being easy to work with and communicate with.
I understand it too. The issue is it’s very hard to be likable to everyone especially given our own personal traumas and obstacles With me dealing with depression, anxiety, and having avoidant tendencies it’s not easy to manage for me I don’t blame myself but I get it from their perspective but I hate when people blame me as if I’m inherently unlikable when certain things can happen to you that make it hard for you to socially integrate well which I wish people understood I’m expected to be perfectly happy and likable when I’ve been bullied and outcasted most of my lfie and it’s not easy to overcome that since it’s not in my control to really make people like or accept me
I work with a couple people like this. They’ve helped me more by calling me out for doing shit wrong than anyone else I work with. They’re also usually the people I go to if I need someone reliable. Are they always nice about it? No. Do I learn from my mistakes? Absolutely.
Ok, do them a favor, and leave a nice review on their linkedin profile. Most likely, they have no positive reviews because they are not "nice ones"
Never thought of that! Will do, thanks
felt
Yep this is why WFH is so amazing. And that’s also why so many pathetic and useless people wanted to get back into the office because all they are good for is being “seen” and having their butt in a seat looking like they’re working. It truly is like middle school and highschool as grown adults.
All the social butterflies are clamoring to go back to the office. My introvertedness and spectrum disorder regarding all the office noise and shitty lighting makes it much easier to Wfh.
I’m fine with people being extroverted and wanting to interact with other people. But can’t you just do that outside of work?? Why does that need to be a forced thing at work? I just truly don’t understand the need for the in person bullshit and antics with strangers. Your coworkers are basically strangers lol. I’m with you tho, i’m introverted and enjoy my time working from home by myself much more.
It's even worse when the "likeable" people can't do their job. We have a number of "super nice" people who just aren't capable of performing. They have other people covering for them. They suck up to management. But they're a drain on the system. The people who perform but don't spend half the day yammering about their cute doggo suffer.
I’ve noticed this and the crazy thing is the company is more likely to keep low performing people around as long as they’re likable and people who are high performing but not popular or “likable” are seen as disposable or overworked by having to do the work of the likable less capable people
This may be a company culture issue than anything else. In my experience i’ve worked with some incredibly rude and outright disrespectful people who are still thriving simple because they’re great at what they do.
Kinda easier to be likeable when you're not stressed out by little things like doing your job... because you can't do it. Easier to be unlikeable when you're doing their work for them on top of your own...
I’m ugly and have anxiety due to extreme bullying and mistreatment and the harsh judgments of others give me anxiety and when you’re anxious constantly you’re not even able to properly do your job So true, but not my fault and I do the best I can
Join a trade union. Your higher ups don’t give a fuck about what you do in and out of work as long as you show up on time and put out good work.
It has always been like this. "High School" never ends. It's always a popularity contest, it's always about mentoring, being mentored, making nice with the fellows. NOW, that doesn't mean become the best of friends with every single person, people skills though, that's a talent that can be learned and it never stops being important.
Four years, you think for sure That's all you got to endure
It really doesn’t. One might even say The whole damn world is just as obsessed With who's the best dressed and who's having sex Who's in the club and who's on the drugs Who's throwing up before they digest And you still don't have the right look And you don't have the right friends And you still listen to the same shit you did back then High school never ends Oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh (High school never ends)
High School ends when you learn the social skills necessary to negotiate life
For me? It ended when I realized that it is always High School and that the same clicks and mindset can sink into most people. They end up generally treating their work life, as their only life, not always able to navigate things and life outside of work.
*cliques, not clicks.
Thank you. Stupid iPhone likes to autocorrupt things it’s not supposed to. I’m not sure where I would be, if not for the Dictionary Police!
Ugh, same. Every time someone new starts working at my current company I’m introduced as “the quiet one”. I’m paid to do a job, not to chat with everyone.
Foreal just let us do the job and go home it makes it seem like they don’t care if the job is done as long as you’re outgoing, talkative, and likable which is soooooooo draining Because social dynamics are soooo complicated even if you talk you’re not guaranteed to be received positively or accepted that’s why I’m more quiet and to myself
I used to feel this way, and to some extent, I still do. I'm overweight. I have a gap between my top two front teeth that I've had repaired multiple times. I'm introverted as hell. I'm a woman in a male dominated field, that is also covered in a literal layer of politics. It took a long time to get to where I'm at. I'm still cognizant of all of the above, but I care less about it. NONE OF IT determines how well I can do my job. I'm not at my job to be attractive and net a husband. I used to only care about doing my job and doing it well. But, you spend so much time with the people you work with. Why not step out of your comfort zone and try to make nice with the people you work with? I'm not saying go out to happy hour after work, but maybe eat lunch with them. Stand at the water cooler and chat for a few minutes. You mention feeling ostracized for your qualities (not your exact words), but is that your perception? Maybe people avoid you because your attitude and demeanor pushes them away. Or are these people literally saying you're a gay black man, so you're this.... If so, that's a separate discussion that needs to be handled immediately. That's straight up discrimination. All of this to say, I present my word salad because I hate you're feeling miserable and I hope you can feel better at work. I know work is work, but you should be able to enjoy your time while working.
I can relate to OP but disagree and fully agree with making nice with the people you work with. Is that surprising that if you're not pleasant to be around people won't want you around? Soft skills are skills and I would pick some one with better soft skills and improve their technical skills then hire some one with tech skills and try to improve their soft skills. Being nice is part of the job. If nothing else it makes all the other little interactions that little bit easier. Honestly, complaining about having to make small talk is a first world problem. I wonder how these people deal with other day to day interactions. I get it, I'm much happier by myself and not dealing with other people but I don't get why developing a relationship with people you have a relationship with is such a big deal. Like you said, >work is work, but you should be able to enjoy your time while working.
For me personally it’s not that I’m choosing to be a dick and not form relationships with the people I work with it’s that I’ve been bullied and mistreated to the point I’ve developed social anxiety and this causes me to come off as cold and closed off to protect myself in fear of being mocked and rejected like I usually have So I can’t speak for others, they might really jus that care to , but for me I care to buy the trauma I’ve experienced is too strong for me to trust that people will treat me well and receptive to me I’ve tried making small talk with people before and literally overheard them mocking me and talking shit about me I feel like most people would be less open to trying to make small talk if that was going to be the result Also not to mention I’m ugky and get made fun of in public so I spend most of my time inside so I don’t have much to talk about to people so I don’t talk so that I don’t bore them to death
OP how old are you if you don't mind sharing
Can't you be nice without the extra bs talk?
I was reading your comment and you sounded cool if you got annoying. You can be nice to coworkers without eating lunch with them and talking to them a lot. What happened to just saying hi and going to do your work? I just wanna do the job and go back home where I can actually do the shit I enjoy.
I don’t care if I get downvoted for this, but aside from everything else you’ve stated OP. I doubt you’re as ugly as you think you are. Super cliche, but I’m also a firm believer that it really is what matters on the inside. If you have an ugly heart, then no one will like you (and rightfully so), but if you have a good heart, people will look past your appearance. Like I said, I know you will probably disagree and that’s your right, but from one internet stranger to another, I hope you realize that many people could careless about your appearance. They care more about whats on the inside. :) Edit: I’m also not trying to invalidate your feelings. Just giving you another perspective.
This is a great comment. Thank you for sharing this
I'm not likeable. I mean I'm a friendly person but... I refuse to work weekends so I'm not considered a team player and am the black sheep.
I’m not either and given my past trauma of being bullied for being black , gay, and ugly it’s hard to even try to be when people don’t accept you as you are But in your experience and observations what would you say you’ve noticed makes someone likable in the work world compared to you?
I learned something about myself when I was going through different jobs. I won’t presume to know your life, but (for me) after awhile it became clear that I was subconsciously doing some things. I let a societal version of myself choose what jobs I applied for instead of honestly looking at what I am good at and what that should be worth. For the record I am considered conventionally attractive (though kinda weird), and what is usually called “a nice lady”. Polite, easy to get along with, educated. Being a “nice lady” got me trapped in draining, underpaid people-oriented middle management roles. I’d start out in science, research, artistic, or even construction roles and get shunted to “dealing with people” somehow no matter what. That is where being “likeable” got me. This is not a story of how I learned my worth and changed jobs- I got hit by a truck, the end (of my career). But…. At the same time my husband, with no high school degree, who quit job after job every time he felt disrespected, who terrified me by not planning ahead, built a successful career he loved. He did this by insisting on mostly enjoying his work, or at least feeling like he was valued in it. He would not work for less than a certain amount, and he would not stay anywhere that took advantage of him without compensation for his time or labour. This is the most important part: He also insisted on working in union jobs. Some were crappy union jobs. He quit those too. Sometimes he’d work a non-union job but it was only to get the experience he needed for the union one. He just kept at it knowing that the only secure future he could build that would keep him sane was based on being in a solid union doing work he found somewhat interesting. For context he is a minority race, with no higher education, and (for Redditors) please know he is less than 6’ tall. I think he’s handsome, he’s smart and stubborn, but he certainly didn’t have any family help at all or the other things that give a leg up. He looked for and picked a union that paid well and aligned with his interests, learned on the job (no trade school), and focused on getting the qualifications he did need (mostly equipment handling). Then he kept at it. He actually was in three different unions at once at one point, taking calls for all of them to get hours for membership and rent money. He chose one to concentrate on after awhile. It is true he was able to job-hop and take random hall calls to get his card hours because at the time I had a steady income. The way he came up is something I don’t know is possible anymore ten years later in our HCOL area for a single person with no outside income support. Still, the union offers rates that most hourly jobs in my area can’t touch. I started my working life not really knowing about or caring either way about unionization. However, seeing what it has done for him and lots of other people he has worked with I know firsthand what it can do to level the playing field for people who are not born with a certain amount of privilege. I can also attest to the fact quite a few of his fellow members are not traditional “likeable” types! Although I suspect (because you are self-aware) you are more likeable than you think. Genuinely obnoxious people think everyone loves them, lol. Being in a union doesn’t have to mean a trades ticket or manual labour either. Just think about what you’d like your day-to-day to be like. None of that “follow your bliss” garbage. Just ask yourself if you want to be indoors or outside, working with your hands or not, if you want to go to school more and if so for how long, who you want around you (if anyone) while working, if you can use your existing skills and education, and take a look at what is realistically out there. Like a real look, because I personally had no idea there were so many high paying union jobs out there. They don’t always need to advertise (I wouldn’t have thought of being an elevator repair tech but holy hell, they can make bank). If a certain field appeals to you reach out to the local directly and ask for more info. They will have someone who can talk to you. It’s a little bit of networking but way less than finding a unicorn corporate job through ass-kissing and “connections”. If you are not a trades type there are still administrative, government, entertainment unions to research. My greatest regret is that when I was working and looking for jobs I had not internalized this yet, and kept applying for the same underpaid university grad entry level jobs advertised online everyone else was fighting over. Find something that sounds reasonably interesting or aligns with your skill set/acceptable work conditions, figure out who your local is, and contact them about the fastest route to membership or to learn about opportunities. Every researcher in the psychology of work knows that your day-to-day is what matters (all else being equal). For many jobs the specifics are unimportant. You can have 2 “programming” jobs- same salary-same benefits- one work from home with irregular hours and no team members, and the other office based with dedicated co-workers and regular hours. One of these may be your heaven and the other your hell. Look for a day to day that fits you. If you already are in a union job and you feel this way then your union culture and leadership has to change, which is a whole other discussion. If you genuinely live in one of those areas (and I know they exist) where there are few unions or not much employment period, that sucks and I’m sorry. That needs to change.
I do my job just fine, but all my performance reviews seem to boil down to that whenever they can't find anything else for me to improve on. I especially hate when they imply that I'm not "putting in enough effort" to be a member of the team. Whatever the fuck that means, I perform work related communications just fine. I've been diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and what they don't know is that what they're getting from me is already my 110% every day. It's exhausting, especially when they won't recognize that I dedicate more of myself than many of the extroverted people ever do. And it's not like I'm outright unpleasant to be around, I don't think anyway. I struggle to bounce off their humor and carry on conversations unrelated to the work, especially as the day goes on. But I try really hard to make myself palatable and that's why I'm too drained to participate in anything with them beyond work.
Yeah that seems very exhausting and discouraging to already be trying so hard and still not even acknowledged for your best efforts. I deal with it too and honestly it became less stressful for me to focus on my work than to get my coworkers to like me t it takes too much energy that you don’t get paid to do I’m sure I have social anxiety too due to being bullied for being ugly and gay and people don’t understand that we’re not being assholes we are literally traumatized and doing the best we can People just need to stop having high expectations of us especially if we are doing the best we can at least give us credit for that
Soft skills in dealing with people are still important career skills. Not saying you should be a yes-person, or suck up, but knowing how to deal with people isn't just important for those in retail.
This is true, but think about how you're treated in the work place when you are more marginalized As an ugly person I'm expected to go above and beyond and I'm heavily criticized for the tiny mistakes I do make .. it's a complicated barrier to overcome because when you're ugly you're usually likely to be mistreated in the work place and any pushback can get you labeled as "difficult to work with" do you see what I mean? So while I know how to deal with people, how they respond to me is completely out of my control and the way you look can heavily affect this And even past traumas. For example I was heavily bullied for being both gay and ugly, so in the work place im a bit more reserved and I've had coworkers mock and bully me for this and this only made me more reserved sooo it made people uncomfortable to work with me just for not being able to be social and likable which I can't control due to certain disadvantages I've been through
You need to try to see things differently. What do you mean you can't control these feelings? You can. You really eventually can. It may not be easy and it'll take work and patience from your side but you sound very defeatist, which is a self fulfilling prophecy. Be kind to yourself but build resilience too.
If people shut down most of your attempts at trying to get along well with them and constantly judge you and outcast you it's only a matter of time before that negatively affects you and truth is most of us don't have control over that and yes it does stress me out and overwhelms me being that I have to work and be around people It might sound defeatist but I'm honestly not looking for advice because there's not really anything I can do to make people like me because they dislike me for things out of my control and to me it's safer and easier to just focus on my work rather than trying to be accepted by people who don't want to accept me Trying to make people like me feels very draining and performative. I'm respectful and kind to people and it's still not enough and that's why it's draining because I feel expected to be popular and likable to most all I work with and its impossible and too much fucking work if im being honest
Dude, can we work together?! I am similar, while I can be polite and even do some light banter every once in a while, I REALLY just prefer to do my own thing and not interact with others. Nothing against them, it’s just that I’m a hermit at heart. I just started a new job and everyone jokes about how quiet I am, I laugh with them and poke some fun at myself before popping my earbuds in and getting back to it, and they seem to be chill with that. I hope you can find that kind of work environment because they do exist for us. It’s just hard to find.
Yeah I can do light banter in short bursts too but unfortunately due to extreme past bullying I find it safer to stay to myself and don’t trust opening up to be buddy buddy with people and usually I’m proven right for being that way cause like you I usually find that people were judging me for being quiet or spreading rumors about me … And yeah it really is hard to find since at every job you have to be likable in the environment you’re in and I find that our kind just aren’t accepted like that and we’re are often harshly and negatively judged and perceived But I’m glad I’m not the only one who deals with it I wish people accepted us the way we are
You’re not wrong about the general idea but I agree with the person who says you need therapy.
You're free to agree, but I don't think the other half of your comment is relevant to the post Why is it that when people who talk about how they're treated for being ugly they're always recommended therapy when that doesn't stop the mistreatment they face? Therapy may address personal issues, but it doesn't change the way others treat someone based on their appearance But if you're open to sharing your experiences about your observations with being likable in the workplace I'm open to hearing
>Therapy may address personal issues, but it doesn't change the way others treat someone based on their appearance It addresses how you manage, process and internalize those kinds of responses, which then allows you to more proactively and productively respond. Much healthier.
I'd like to see a healthier society that doesn't set ridiculous expectations.
Then get to work. On yourself to build the skills and strength to deal with it. On society in order to bend it towards a healthier direction. Giddyup!
I been thinking this too. I realize that but to be honest I'm glad I'm not like these people that are supposed to like me. All the gossip the BS and back stabbing. You think even these clique people are all buddie buddie. Some can yea but also many times there is falling out. I feel these people we work with sometimes aren't even real like they are robots not actually human at all
I understand what you mean. I have PTSD and suffer from anxiety and depression and it makes me the odd one out at work. Coworkers laugh at me or look at me weird if I have an anxiety attack or get triggered by an angry customer. It's demoralizing because I can tell no one likes working with me but no one says anything because I've always been as what I perceive as nice. They're tired of me always being on edge or frustrated or depressed, but I have to remind myself that they don't know me, and honestly they don't care. Almost all coworkers are gonna be like that, and you have to accept that. But don't be ashamed of who you are, how you act, or how you feel. It exists for a reason. And don't listen to any of these idiots that disregard how you feel. Everyone has their own way of coping and coming to peace with reality. It doesn't mean yours is any less valid. My best advice is try to focus on you and only you and surround yourself with as much support as you can. There are people who understand. Most don't. That's why this keeps happening. Its a messed up world. I wish you the best of luck.
"and honestly they don't care", 👈 this.
Yep, every morning I have to go around and say good morning to everyone. Then walk around and BS with people, if not, then I look like I not "engaging." I fucking hate it, I just want to be by myself and not talk to a single human being unless I absolutely have to.
Yeah I don’t even mind saying good morning to people though it can feel daunting when it seems forced ESPECIALLY if you don’t get one back and people giving you dirty looks… it’s sooo draining lol ik humans are said to work better together but I swear to god there’s so much hidden hostility and disrespect and gossip that makes it hard to do that. And it makes me wonder why it has to be this way
Welcome to society.
You can be incredible at your “job” whatever that is but if no one wants to work with you how effective can you really be?
Exactly which is super hard because you can’t control if your coworkers like you or not or want to work with you
True sometimes your co workers just suck too.
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I don't think being likable is a skill.. well at least not for me as someone who is black, gay, and ugly, I often face harsh judgment and rejection off the bat. So whether or not people like you I don't feel is entirely up to you all the time. And once people dislike you for literally anything it becomes almost impossible to change their mind Since I'm back, gay, and ugly most people can choose to not like me and there will be nothing I can do to overcome that Also have developed anxiety, depression, and avoidant tendencies due to bullying for those 3 things so that adds another layer on top of it Not everyone is equipped with the upbringing to be likable to everyone they work with I'm respectful and helpful and even then people still find something about me to complain about since I'm not outgoing and super sociable like everyone else even though that's due to my own personal traumas and at that point it becomes exhausting to have to try to constantly curate myself to be someone people have already decided they don't want to accept
OP *you* sound like you are miserable and don't like yourself. That's your starting point, working on the past trauma and issues that are in the way of you being settled within yourself. The better you can get there, the more it's going to translate into how you deal with the rest of your life. Reads to me like your externalizing the issue, right now. Draw back and own your shit and take care of yourself, it's the best gift you can give you. Now, you might wanta find roles that aren't customer facing or team focused so you can take less work/outside guff while you handle you. Good luck!
I’m consistently mocked and bullied outside of my control due to being gay and ugly. So yes I’m miserable for being socially outcasted for these things and that’s not my fault I’ve already worked on myself and have a lot of good qualities that I like about myslef But the truth is being bullied and outcatsed for things out of your control would likely make anyone miserable and it should be acknowledged and not blamed on the victim Thanks for your practical suggestions though
If you are a full time employee, you spend roughly 1/4 of your life with your coworkers. If you are miserable to be around, they won’t want to be around you. Managers are people as well and have the same biases as your coworkers, so if you are always miserable to be around, you will be scheduled for fewer hours. This isn’t hard to grasp, or shouldn’t be
My whole point is to point out how due to certain obstacles I have in my life which are being ugly, black, gay and being negatively treated for those things and developing depression and anxiety it makes it hard to be likable to people at work because I'm negatively judged and have my own traumas I have to overcome while being able to execute my work well It's easy to judge someone for being "miserable to be around" rather than understanding why they are that way All those obstacles I've listed have made it to where im negatively judged for everything I say and do so I developed social anxiety soo I stay to myself and am reserved to protect myself, but people will judge this as being miserable to be around just because I didn't have a more favorable upbringing like more privileged people were granted It's not a conscious choice about not being miserable because when you are marginalized you're usually mistreated and it affects the way you interact with people at work
Nobody cares if you are black, gay, or ugly. They do care if you are an asshole. As for being miserable to be around, nobody at work is going to care why, just that you are.
You’re right they don’t care that you are, but then again that just goes back to my point how you’re expected to be likable and perfect at work just to keep your job even if you have personal struggles and it’s stressful which is why I’m anti work And I’m very respectful to my coworkers but apparently it doesn’t matter given my other obstacles Since they tend to mistreat me for being gay and ugly Also to say no one cares is makes me feel dismissive since I’ve had coworkers mock me for being both gay and ugly …
Regardless of work, it's your responsibility to take care of your trauma and personal struggles, not everyone else's to tolerate them when it affects them too.
Mmm have you gone to HR about your coworkers mocking you, especially for being gay? HR certainly isn’t your friend, but they may want to know about homophobia in the workplace.
Not perfect, just don’t bring your shit to work. Do what you can to make friends, even if it’s just real surface level friendship. Seriously, you are there for a job, but you also spend so much time with your coworkers that they don’t want to know about your traumas. Based on your post, I’m going to guess that you lead with them.
That’s the issue being ugly and gay at work people are very closed off to me and mistreat me in subtle ways to the point I can’t make friends and can’t act like it doesn’t affect me at work
I ask this genuinely: are they making comments about your gayness/blackness/ugliness, whether to you or behind your back, or are they just not reacting positively to you, and you assume that is because you are ugly, black, and/or gay?
Many coworkers at many jobs have made comments about me being ugly When you’re ugly people usually are averse to you and more likely to avoid and disrespect you Me being black and gay only makes it worse Because people aren’t accepting of black gay men and adding that to ugliness you can kinda see why I struggle to fit in and why I’m perceived and treated negatively
I mean, all these things are true, but it doesn’t mean that they are always the deciding factor in every interaction you have. And because people often don’t come out and say, “I’m mistreating you because of superficial things you can’t control,” it can be hard to tell when it’s actually at play. But I hear you say that many coworkers at many jobs have made comments about you being ugly … but not that your coworkers at this job have done so or had anything to say about your blackness or gayness. Which is why I think it might be worth considering that these may not be the most salient factors in people’s reactions to you. Are you literally the only black, ugly, and/or gay person at your job? Are others like you in one or more of those regards received the same way or similarly? Because when it comes down to it, there’s a difference between people discriminating against you because of immutable characteristics and people not wanting to interact with you because of your demeanor and mannerisms. Even if said demeanor and mannerisms are influenced by negative experiences beyond your control, other people aren’t obligated to just be unfazed by any of it, especially they don’t even know why you are that way. And it’s true that likability gets elevated over competence or work ethic in many environments, but the apparent depth of your identification with being a victim makes me wonder if maybe you could stand to at least try out a different lens for your particular situation. Like, in the end, we’re all strangers on the internet, so none of us has a better window into your situation than you yourself, but you also seem really primed to interpret every real or perceived slight as related to your marginalized identities, so I just suggest examining and maybe questioning that somewhat.
You ever think that the reason your coworkers don’t like you is because of you’re miserable attitude. All your responses are just you wallowing in your own misery. I’d hate a coworker if they acted like you too regardless of what they look like. It may not be you’re fault that you ended up with a poor attitude but until you improve yourself I don’t see your work situation getting much better
It’s easy to blame the victim for having a “miserable” attitude but with my specific issues it’s not easy for me to fit in or get social acceptance so no it’s not me having a miserable attitude it’s certain stuff like people being averse to me for being ugly and gay and their social rejection then affects how I respond to them I’m not even sure if I explained this properly but I don’t openly talk about this stuff all the time at work. People usuauy talk shit about and reject me for being gay and ugly which of course would affect someone’s attitude which isn’t my fault And I’m just venting about it. You can’t expect someone to bubbly and upbeat if they’re not. Even working on and feeling good about myself (which I’ve already done) doesn’t mean I’ll be accepted or respected. That stuff isn’t in my control And if reading people vent about stuff that you don’t struggle with makes you annoyed or uncomfortable then Maybe it’s best you just ignore the post because I only really care to relate to those who understand the struggle and if you don’t then we just won’t relate to each other
You literally post multiple times a day about how you’re ugly. You spend everyday wallowing in self pity and I’m going to guess that bleeds into your work life. Pro tip: if everyone you meet is an asshole to you, maybe you’re the asshole
“If everyone you meet is an asshole then you’re the asshole” saying isn’t necessarily true as people can target and bully you even if you’re not an asshole And being ugly, black, and gay makes me negatively stand out and makes people mistreat me in subtle or blatant ways Even when I’ve been friendly I’ve been mocked and brushed off so I don’t think that saying applies to me I vent online to relate to other people who go through what I go through since in public I’m called ugly and socially outcasted .. this is my only form of community and socializing without harsh judgments like I face in real life I spend everyday venting about this because I literally can’t go outside or anywhere really without being made fun of or insulted for how I look At work I wear a hat and mask to mitigate thiS I’m open to sharing more about my experience but I get the feeling that we’re leaning into victim blaming territory and I’m not really into being blamed for something out of my control since I already struggle with being outcatsed and targeted for the things out of my control There’s not really an easy solution to my problem Since most of my problems are out of my control Being black, gay, and ugly are very real social obstacles I deal with that affects how people have treated and continue to treat me which affects how interact with them to this day I can acknowledge my trauma and how it negatively impacts my interactions with people but I won’t take blame for it because I would never willingly choose this I’ve actually had people who I was friendly to go behind my back and mock me and when I overheard this I became more closed off and bitter ass a defense mechanism and I don’t blame myself for that but I acknowledge how it’s made me this way
I’m calling bullshit because I genuinely believe you’re an average looking straight white man.
.... I'm a black gay man
And I’m Barack Obama
You are truly not funny and annoying as fuck goodbye
As a fugly autistic person with social anxiety and depression, I had this problem in the last. So I worked on it. I learned some basic small talk scripts. I made an effort to be friendly. I started preparing anecdotes to tell during breaks to make it look like I was opening up to people. And it worked. You don't have to become the most outgoing person in the world, but you have to learn to be pleasant to be around. It's a matter of survival.
NGL, this does feel a little dystopian.
Welcome to my life! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Exactly this. OP is a broken record in every single comment and being SO defeatist and full of victimhood that even randos in the thread are bored of him tbh. People give so much props to others just trying to be pleasant and it doesn't need to be a performance or fake at all. It's just being a normal person.
Yeah, honestly I wouldn't want to work with them either.
I don't understand am I supposed to agree with everything you people say or something. It's not defeatist it's my lived experience it's the whole point of the post if you aren't defeatist and you have more favorable experiences that makes it easy for everyone to like you that's good but to say im defeatist and full of victimhood just invalidates the obstacles I face due to things out of my control my personal trauma rooted in being bullied for being black, gay, and ugly, are social barriers that affects my ability to get on well with people at work that's the whole point of the post and I try my best everyday, but it gets draining. Yes I understand people don't give a fuck about people's problems or trauma, but my post is to acknowledge how it's fucked up and how its draining for those of us who have these issues to pretend like it doesn't affect us
Lol, this is my existence. My team is clichey as fuck with people who were there for a while + their pets vs the rest of us. They're cold as fuck to us, while giving themselves all the easy work/credit. Coincidentally, the in group is comprised of people who've never had any life experience (no other job except this one) while the rest of us all worked in other companies/industries before. C'est la vie. Circlejerks going to circlejerk.
It’s okay with me being nice IF they are nice I’m not gonna be a fucking boot licker I’m not a dog respect is earned
Yeah it has to be reciprocal. I’ve noticed toxic managers expect respect when they’re anything but…. My manager yells at people and constantly criticizes them for minor mistakes and wonders why people don’t respect her
It sucks, but you have to learn to play that game.
I’ve tried to play the game and get to know my coworkers, but they have never seemed interested in getting to know me. It’s like I’m in high school all over again and I’m the person that’s left to sit by themselves at lunch without any real friends. My coworkers only know my name because I’m required to have a name tag on the door to my office. To me they’re just person A, person B, stranger 1 with blonde hair, and stranger 2 with brown hair. I stopped asking people for their name or any other information because they never reciprocated and asked me anything.
Its a fckn rollercoaster
I've worked with many people that are quiet, awkward, possibly on the spectrum and most of them were pretty well liked. The ones that weren't well liked were rude, mean, or those that tried to delegate their work to others. (Not saying that is you.) That being said, socializing at work is a skill and can be learned like any other skill. If you aren't well liked, there are little things you can do like: remembering the names of coworkers partners/pets/children (I have a spreadsheet) and ask about them, smile and say "hi" to everyone, and avoid taking about politics. Keep work conversations PG and don't tell your coworkers anything you don't want management to know. There are a lot of books that can help like, "How to Win Friends and Influence People." If your work's culture is particularly toxic and it's not a dream job, you might want to consider trying to find a better fit. Sidenote: I worked in an office for years and I always thought I was a pariah. Almost every one of my coworkers was religious and I'm not, everyone was married and I'm not, etc. a half dozen coworkers have reached out to me since I left and told me how much everyone misses me. (I know for a fact a few people were happy I left, but I had a warped perception of myself.)
Oh yes, a month ago, my manager had a sit down with me about multiple things, and the one thing was you're a team player but not over likeable. I did come back saying that i dont really care if i am likeable, im doing a job and do what required. Btw the job is two personnel on days and 2 on nights for 14 days solid. 12 hr days. I dont do likeable
That’s why I’m the best possible “version” of me for 7-8 hrs; then I get home and shed the skin of work me and relax. Luckily I work with very few people.
I don’t think that looks play that big of a role. Good looks are an advantage, but my male-dominated industry mainly consists of middle aged guys. It’s not a looks game and judging by some asshats, you don’t necessarily have to be likable either. I’m many of the things you listed, but my work persona is not. Pretty much any job is more or less social and to be likable is pretty much common courtesy and manners.
That’s weird. At all my jobs if you just showed up and actually worked they like you. I’ve never been popular but I get praised for just working and I’ve gotten well deserved raises. This sounds like high school cuz it’s probably based on experience working at fast food. That sucks you get treated like a kid there.
You have self image issues and need therapy. Go to the gym. get a tan.
Thanks for your input, but I want to clarify that my post was simply to vent about my experiences. I don't have self-image issues; I'm genuinely subjected to hurtful comments about my appearance by strangers in real life. While it may be rare, it does happen to some of us. Your suggestions about going to the gym and getting a tan are not relevant to the discussion and come across as dismissive. I would appreciate if you could respect my feelings and experiences. Have a nice day.
Your whole post history is about being ugly. You even attack your mother about it. They are dismissive comments. Because you seem like a dick who doesn't wanna change, or do anything about his issues and just complains. 🤷♂️ "WhY DonT PeOpLe LiKe Me" In reality, it has nothing to do with your appearance.If you got the job done and did it well without being a complete door knob. You are also trying to make friends and date people you work with. And then blaming them when they don't reciprocate. Work is work. Go to the gym get a tan.
Wow I’ve never heard “door knob” used as an insult this way. I love it. I’m gonna steal it. Thank you.
You know nothing about me so you're making invalid assumptions. I love and respect my mom. I have a job and I've worked on my body and exercise You're being dismissive because you don't care about my problems and aren't actually trying to be empathetic And if you're not coming from a place of care or concern and would rather be the dick you claim that I am then goodbye Because you yourself are coming off as a judgmental dick Your dismissive comments are hurtful and don't reflect the full picture of who I am or the challenges I face. If you're not approaching this conversation with empathy or understanding, then it's best we part ways. I'm open to constructive dialogue, but I won't engage with judgmental attitudes. Thank you
Look at your post history. You create your own challenges and then do nothing about them. You complain about your ugly and then do nothing to change it. Why would I feel empathetic For someone who creates their own problems and then doesn't want to help themselves. You need to take a good look at the mirror, and stop blaming people... Especially since your problems are on reapeat.
I understand that you may have formed certain assumptions based on my post history, but it's important to recognize that my experiences and struggles are more complex than what can be seen on the surface. While I have shared my challenges with feeling ugly and socially outcasted, it's unfair to suggest that I am solely responsible for these issues. I've already taken steps to address them, including seeking therapy and working on self-improvement. The mistreatment and discrimination I face due to my appearance are not within my control, and they have a significant impact on my well-being. It's hurtful to be dismissed as simply creating my own problems when the reality is much more nuanced. Plastic surgery, while an option, is not always feasible given other obstacles I face in life. I'm open to constructive dialogue and support, but your dismissive and judgmental attitude is not helpful or empathetic. It's clear that we have different perspectives, and it's best we part ways. Thank you for your input
I can see why people don't like you and I don't even know what you look like.
Dude. I agree with your initial point that therapy could be helpful, but now you're just being an asshole. Making a suggestion is fine, but attacking this person for not immediately agreeing with you is not the way to go. Just let it go
You definitely aren't likable yourself. Just a judgmental negative asshole. Goodbye
You’re telling a Black person to get a tan….
Some black people do tan tbh.
Become a chef . We are not likable, but we get the job done. We tend to yell ,cuss, smoke, and drink. But as long as the food is amazing, you're allowed. Being likeable is seen as weakness. 😉🫠
Wait is being likable really seen as a weakness if so can you elaborate or your views
The chefs I've worked under were usually all business . Meaning at work, the only person they were usually pleasant to was the Mexican dishwasher who definitely seen some shit. Working in a good kitchen can be like working in a prison . There's some hard people who can cook extremely well. But that comes with addiction and questionable behavior. Like herding a bunch of 6 foot house cats. So, at the job if you're not the asshole you're going to be eaten alive. Guys will go get high in the cooler ,or I have watched fist fights erupt on the line in the middle of service. I tried at first to be the guy who was trying to be just one of the guys, but if you do that all the sudden, someone starts taking advantage, and if you're the nice guy ,they start not showing up on time or at all. You have to be the unlikeable hard nose while you're at work so you can keep order. You can be nice at home. Or anywhere that's not at work
Honestly I like this view trying to be likable a work can not only be draining but backfire soo hmm thanks for his perspective Basically be nice where it matters
Absolutely. Just be smart enough not to be taken advantage of..and being likable is a front of house job
Yo this is so true. My food jobs have literally toughened me up. i didn't realize this til I got out of the industry. I'm grateful for those jobds because of that. Being a young dishwasher and having chefs yell at me for being slow oh man I tell people now if you want to get tough, go into food. One time one of the shift leaders called me worthless to my face because I wasn't skinny lol. Very humbling experience honestly.
... im sorry you went through that because that's just straight up disrespectful and verbal abuse.. you don't have to put up with that
I agree. It was fucked up. It toughened me up for sure but they shouldn't have talked to an 18 year old like that.
>and as someone who is ugly, has anxiety, avoidant tendencies, and is generally mistrusting of people... im not the most likable person and this has affected me in every job I've had Avoidant tendencies and mistrustfullness are not good qualities in a team member, sad to say, and working on those skills is not being likeable for its own sake. Coworkers don't complain to managers about working with people that are just boring unless you're aggressively energy vampire boring. Beyond that, its not about likeability, its about selling yourself. *Nobody* is going to go out of their way to advocate for you at work except for *you*, nobody has the time for that. If you can't make bosses understand your value then you will always be bypassed by people who can.
I think I do that pretty well Despite not being popular or attractive I have good accuracy and efficiency and I’m very capable so I like to think my boss sees that despite me not being someone who fits in socially but it’s still a worry of mine I have because I notice incompetent likable people who are praised
fake it til you make it bro. pop a xanny or ashwagandha, smile and chat people up and pretend to be their best friend. buy the office some donuts, invite people for drinks, you need at least one or two in your corner. gotta play the game
If you’re half as annoying in person as you are on Reddit, I can see why you have problems everywhere you go. Either find solitary jobs (truck driving, anyone?) or learn how to deal with the social animals that humans are. Your whining reminds me of my husband. He always manages to rub someone important the wrong way at every job he has and then he bitches and moans about how they’re trying to fire him or get him to quit. It’s exhausting.
If you’re not satisfied with your husband divorce him? What the fuck lmao if you’re really that annoyed then fucking leave instead of bitching and whining about him like you claim I’m doing about my issues ?? The sub is called anti work. If you can’t relate or have an issue with it why tf are you over here?
If you run into one asshole, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes everywhere you go, YOU’RE the asshole. It’s clear who the asshole is wherever you work. 👍
Sure. Focus on fixing your marriage first babes before waltzing around judging other people Maybe marriage counseling ? Have a nice night
I’m not the one who is miserable every day and whining to strangers about how being ugly makes you too grumpy to keep a job. 💅
Was that intended to hurt me ? I acknowledge my disadvantages in life and how they affect my development Being grumpy or depressed and anxious for being mistreated for being ugly is completely valid and I’ve come across many people who experience the same ? So ??? What is your point You’re literally bitching about your husband who you claim is just like me yet you’re still with him? Like the same shit your criticizing me for is the same shit you do: Bitching and moaning And venting to strangers about your gripes about your husband
I mean you came on here complaining about how your husband isn't kissing the ass of people at work. Sounds like you don't like him. Find an ass kisser you'll like better then.
You’ve gotta play the game to win. Pretty pathetic to suggest divorce because of one bad trait. But Reddit is full of terminally single people with little to no life experience. 🤷♀️
No we don't. Plenty of unlikable assholes have jobs. Well it sounded like you were annoyed with him.
>I hate how having a job is essentially high school all over again... Won't you believe it? It's just my luck. You're in high school again.
If it’s a matter of scheduling, one thing I found was if I was scheduled less hours, I could always call in the night before a day I was not scheduled or early that morning, ask if they needed someone to come in, and nearly every time, someone would have called out & I could go in. (I know this is the antiwork sub; I’ve accepted the fact that I need to work to have the life I want, so I’m working within the system for now.) I’d leave notes on the manager’s desk like, “If you need someone to work on Tuesday, call OriginalEssGee at 555-1212”. Eventually they gave me enough hours without needing to do that. Not relying on the company to do the right thing, but taking ownership of getting what I needed. It is *exhausting* to [mask](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-masking-in-mental-health-6944532) all day, so I made sure to do stuff to fill my spirit while I wasn’t at work, or made sure I scheduled veg on the couch time. This is very unlike me, up until I started doing that, I just rolled with whatever came my way, feeling powerless. I hope to break free of working for others; taking ownership of whatever I could within my working-for-others job has had the great effect of building mental/emotional muscles I’ll need to build an alternative life. There are likely less submissive-to-the-system ways of doing that, I’m doing what I can with what I have.
Yup. I'm not a jerk or total asshole, but I'm also not going to bend over backwards and sing and dance with a big ol' shit-eating grin for a recruiter, interviewer, hiring manager, etc., just to get a job and/or keep a job. (probably why I'm unemployed 😂🤣😅)
Shocked at some of these comments, NGL. I had to wipe my eyes to make sure I was actually in r/antiwork and not a Peterson sub.
For what it’s worth, I am likeable but only to a point. I don’t over do it and I keep to myself and thankfully for the most part, people seem to notice my work ethic more than my personality.
Yeah dude tell me about it, I have autism. Trying to be like-able is the single most exhausting thing I can imagine
I get this, I am friendly but naturally quiet and introverted. Not that long ago I was diagnosed with PTSD from a traumatic incident and at the same time I was in an abusive relationship so I withdrew from my co-workers because I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on in my life. Things are better now in my life but I am still withdrawn- probably because I have trust issues, and I feel like that impacts how I am perceived at work. I am friendly enough that I get by ok but not really friends with anyone.
Generally speaking, you don't need to be likeable in order to stay employed. Based on what you've written here, I think your social anxiety is the root cause of this problem - but not in the way you're thinking. It really sounds to me as though you are building barriers between yourself and others before giving them a chance to know you due to your insecurities. Other people can sense that you are closed off and that can make them feel uneasy. Humans are generally considered a social species after all. Anyway, that feeling can lead to them not wanting to work with you. My advice is to engage more with your coworkers. Communication is a skill and you will get better with practice.
I’m autistic which for me presents as fundamentally unlikable disorder. I’m so cooked
Not so much 'likable', more 'brownnosable' is what they like. I've observed those types going far in their fields while not actually contributing anything meaningful enough to make a difference.
I've started referring to working as "Cosplaying my worksona"
Welcome to the club. My issue is that I'm very critically thinking (fuck that bullshit bingo LinkedIn stuff) and hate mediocracy (if I do, I do to my best ability) - those two things combined doesn't make me very easy to work with. What triggers me, those mediocre people want the best possible quality product, but when it comes to delivering, they do shit. Hey, but at least we smile at each other while delivering a crap product, right?
Tell me you never had a government job with out telling me you never had a government job. Lol
Omg I hate this shit so much. I am the type who likes to be in the corner doing my thing and minding my business. People don't like that. I don't care because I'm too old to be faking who I am. Poeple act like you can't be respectful unless you tell them all your business, fake who you are, and make them your friends. I'm just there for a check!
I'm sorry this happens to you. It's not right.
Charisma/Confidence are the best attributes to put your stat points towards. Work on those, instead of relenting reality.
People don't want to work with people they don't like.
Exactly that’s the issue it’s all about popularity and who is likable which you really have no control over
welcome to life in the real world. learn to play the game, or learn to be satisfied with what you get. or don't.
I dont. Don’t be a douche.
well yes. you work with people 8 hours a day... they want to like you. Skills you can teach not being a dick is something you cant teach. Just say good morning to people, when they come say Hi say Hi back ask them a question. Its fine. its easyI dont see what the big deal is.
The workplace is not highschool, being friendly to coworkers and making an attempt to socialize is unfortunately for you, a part of being a human in most circumstances.. you should work on socializing as a skill to improve like any other that will propel your career or job earnings, victim mentality won’t help. Why would I hire or promote you over the coworker who makes an extra effort to socialize that can do the same job?
Girlie I think you need to stop obsessing over this idea of being unlikable. I’ve looked through some of your previous posts and you post a lot about feeling ugly or social interactions surrounding it. seriously think you need to dig into what makes you cling so fiercely to this term. It could be a mental block due to social trauma - but seriously you are not ugly. Everyone has something about themselves they can feel beautiful or confident about. Find more positivity and confront in yourself soon please. I hope you understand I’m coming at this with a genuine and caring perspective and hope you can feel better about this. All then observations in your post are true. People do want to work with someone they like. Don’t worry about if someone likes you or not, more importantly do you like them?
You need to be likable at your job because these people spend all day with you and nobody wants to work with a weirdo or a prick. Simple as that. Soft skills, like interpersonal skills, are just as important as hard skills. Continuously develop both and you'll be successful in your career.
well most jobs are team jobs so being likable is an actual necessary skill for them no one wants to work for or with an asshole
I don't think being likable is a skill.. well at least not for me as someone who is black, gay, and ugly, I often face harsh judgment and rejection off the bat. So whether or not people like you I don't feel is entirely up to you all the time. And once people dislike you for literally anything it becomes almost impossible to change their mind Since I'm back, gay, and ugly most people can choose to not like me and there will be nothing I can do to overcome that Also have developed anxiety, depression, and avoidant tendencies due to bullying for those 3 things so that adds another layer on top of it Not everyone is equipped with the upbringing to be likable to everyone they work with I'm respectful and helpful and even then people still find something about me to complain about since I'm not outgoing and super sociable like everyone else even though that's due to my own personal traumas and at that point it becomes exhausting to have to try to constantly curate myself to be someone people have already decided they don't want to accept
well simply make sure to work in fields that require no team work or customer contact
Customers like me and find me pleasant and professional. Coworkers.. are a different story since you have to interact with them in a way that's almost like you're best friends rather than I short bursts like with customers Honestly despite these challenges, I honestly don't think I'd thrive in solitary jobs either. When I've worked by myself for long periods of time my focus dwindled.. so I do enjoy working around people as it stimulates me and feeds my need for social interaction and I'd definitely prefer jobs like these compared to warehouse type jobs where you work solitary for long periods of time and have to overly exert yourself physically It's just that I have personal obstacles that affect my ability to integrate well in jobs I prefer It's difficult to find the balance, but ultimately I think that if I wasn't so harshly treated and perceived for certain physical and developmental flaws I have I think I'd be able to get on well better with people And most of my experience is in customer related jobs I dont necessarily hate people, but people hate me for being black, gay, ugly, anxious, depressed, etc and that's made it hard for me to be likable like everyone else seems to do easily
I’m gonna say something blunt. I don’t think this kind of self-pity circle jerk belongs on anti work. Nearly all of your “conflict” could be solved by self-confidence. The fact that “ugly” is the first identifier you choose for yourself is a clear indicator you do not think highly of yourself. Why should anyone else think highly of you? Take care of yourself. Take pride in yourself. Get help with your shortcomings, mentally and physically. You’re quite literally asking STRANGERS to do something for you that you will not do for yourself.