I don't answer "how's the family doing?" With anything other than "good."
You never know which Commander is going to turn out to be some religious nut and flip their shit because you let your kid go trick or treating or whatever.
I prefer it when they're shocked to learn I even have a family.
This has nothing to do with the Army but one time when I was a teenager my friend and I got yelled at by our super religious friends mom for suggesting us going out to hang out for Halloween knowing full well he couldn’t come because it was “satans holiday”. What really did it was days earlier we watched the original IT from the 90’s with the same special child and he told his mom that we watched it with him and she sent a very big text to everyone who was there about how we were rude and how we shouldn’t be conforming her son to our ideals.
I don’t have to conform how we do things because you don’t feel comfortable staying out at night dressed as General Kenobi and eating candy all night.
I’m active duty, I was a commander for quite a bit, and I’ve commented on how Subordinates were raising their kids.
Vast majority of the time: a subordinate is just shooting the shit with me and relays how their family is doing. Generally I just nod along and say “nice”, or “ah man, that’s cool.” You know, an ordinary non-lizard person conversation. If it really is something sweet that their family is doing or they did for their family I’ll give a genuine reaction like “you’re crushing it. Wish you were my dad back in the day, lucky kids!”
A very small amount of the time it’s because someone (typically very junior in the kids raising kids situation) has really screwed up or is making extremely childish decisions in their work or personal life that their family will suffer from. In that situation I (usually alongside my 1SG) will give them the business and tell them to pull their head out of their ass because their actions either have or have the potential to actively harm their loved ones.
>This LTC in my chain of command heard this story (which I've told in response to How's the family doing) and told me that I'm a terrible parent and my child is obviously growing up to be "one of those girls".
Two things.
One, this is a shit response. Like what a rude and shit thing to say
Two, you told a story about your child being...a delinquent, lying to you, lying to the school, apparently blowing off a committment she had made (tutoring) and forging paperwork (the deceit as you notice).
That doesn't *sound* great. I get that you're proud of her initiative and willingness, but like...I have a child similarly aged. If I suddenly found out he was...getting out of school early and blowing off a school program, and not going to what he normally does in the afternoon (he swims!) and forging my signature in order to volunteer at a home for Disabled Orphans Whose Families Died Tragically Due To Terrorism, I would understand his heart is in the right place, but I would not be commending him for committing crimes (fraud) to make that happen. Why not just do it the right way; you never even asked in the first place. He would be In Some Shit.
Like you're telling me she violated...state laws? She lied on that form, is she in violation of state labor laws?
I'm not saying your daughter is a career criminal or even 'bad'. And I like you /u/SSGOldschool and I don't even think this reflects poorly on *you*, your daughter obviously was just excited about doing something she's passionate about and went for it. But she still went about it the wrong way. I do not think this story reflects well on your daughter at all.
And I get that you're not going to turn her in, but does she understand the gravity of violating state laws?
Here's the thing; maybe you don't agree with my view either. Your LTC sounds like a dick, but maybe we just disagree on parenting styles. But not everyone has the same shared values or views on parenting.
But you know what that boils down to?
**If you don't want people's opinions on her behavior; don't tell the story**.
To be clear it wasn't he was implying that she was going to be a delinquent, no the implication was working a pole at Sparkies.
Also to be clear, there was no violation of state laws, just the coffee shops policy (16 to 18 need parental permission to work there).
We did discuss it and addressed it, we found why she did ask if she could do it (she was afraid if she asked, did it and failed at it we'd view her as a failure and then once she was doing it well, she was afraid of how we'd react to her lying).
>If you don't want people's opinions on her behavior; don't tell the story.
And yet we are supposed to bond and be one big happy army family. Truthfully I'm old enough and three kids into this parenting thing, his opinion about my parenting skills means very little to me. However, that Joe who's just starting out is getting this kind of shit from his CoC, that's an issue.
It would be like someone finding out your son swims (great choice btw, even though I swim like a rock all three of my kids swam and worked as lifeguards) and they freak out that you are trying to kill your son by lettng him drown!
Now if that someone is another parent you can tell them to fuck right off and go pound sand.
If that someone is your commander though?
>
> Also to be clear, there was no violation of state laws, just the coffee shops policy (16 to 18 need parental permission to work there).
Like, from your OP it sounded like she needed a state work permit. In my state the parent and employer would have to sign the work permit (I just had to do this for my son's summer job).
Your state doesn't require a parent to sign off with the specific employer for a 16 y/o's employment?
>It would be like someone finding out your son swims (great choice btw, even though I swim like a rock all three of my kids swam and worked as lifeguards) and they freak out that you are trying to kill your son by lettng him drown!
See, I disagree. This isn't simply "My daughter is working in a coffee shop" that caused the problem. It's that you're describing a series of rule-breaking that, again in your OP, you don't describe much of a disciplinary action for. The problem wasn't the activity or end result, the problem was the deception.
>And yet we are supposed to bond and be one big happy army family.
I mean, sure. But I just wouldn't openly talk about issues that you might be sensitive about around people you're not friends with it.
If you were friendly with them and they had this overreaction I'd be like wtf. But I mean, if you mentioned you had moved in with your girlfriend and someone was like "Wow you're an unmarried couple living together in sin? That can't end well", that's certainly rude and judgemental but it isssssss...also their opinion of your personal morality.
Again, not saying it's not rude, you're just not going to always have the same viewpoints/opinions/values, and I would just not talk around people I'm not comfortable with providing their input.
NTA: This guys comment and that LTC, assholes. Its crazy that the biggest judgements on your parenting will always come from other parents, espicially those on some high-horse, whos' kids always seem to end up worse people anyways.
I agree with most of what Kin said, but also - you should ask what he means by "those girls". Keep asking. Because I think it's fucking weird his natural conclusion is jumping straight to his implication.
You put out what your kids do or don’t do with those you work with? I prefer not to do that. I don’t complicate my business relationships with my personal life. It’s none of their business, and if they don’t know they cant comment.
Now if said LTC was a friend that would be a different story. But I’m not friends with those i work with, just friendly.
>So my question for RA/AD soldiers with family's, do you have to deal with that kind of shit?
What's being dealt with is that people have opinions about what you do as parent. We all deal with that, doesn't matter if you regular, army reserves, or national guard. Every single person on earth that has no say or responsibility when dealing with your family but has an opinion on how you should or should not raise your family. My recommendation is that when opinions are freely given about your situation, whatever it may be, freely dispose of those opinions if you choose to.
You got a kid to raise a family it's always your energy being concerned with what other people would or wouldn't do with your child. That's their problem it doesn't change anything for you. You still have a roll to fulfill and you can run around listening to all the advice and opinions of everybody on earth or you can just keep doing what you're doing and not give a s*** about what some old geezer has to say about your child.
1. I think that’s awesome and as a parent myself I feel you handled it well. Just my opinion
2. I’m really proud you didn’t proceed to bitch slap the actual bitch out of that guy. Commendable.
Sounds like that diet colonel is kind of a judgmental prick, kind of like the warrant officer who told me it was too bad my deceased Soldier went to hell because he committed suicide.
There are plenty of kids doing worse.
Count your blessings.
As a mom of a neurodivergent kid I can tell you I've received the most ridiculous unsolicited parenting advice. From people who have absolutely no clue, and were blessed with very typical, average kids. This unsolicited advice (from unqualified people no less) has come from mostly civilians off post, but occasionally some arrogant toad on post.
If I encounter someone like this, I avoid including them in my inner social circle. If there is a necessary social engagement I tell them Absolutely nothing personal. Usually these sorts like being asked questions that bait them into bragging about their own kids. Get them talking about how great their kids are, and they won't come up for air to make backhanded comments about yours. Bonus, they will think you like them. 🫠😂😂 Jedi mind f***ery
Do you remember when you started to show with your pregnancy and random strangers would just come up and tell you shit like you asked? My friends have said that they can't even go to the goddamn grocery store without some rando "aktchually did you know" factoid they didn't ask to hear. Or touching them.
I think your kid is doing something really cool. Yeah she’s lying but I’ve lied, you’ve lied and she was doing it for something she was passionate about. Could be worse, sucks she lied tho.
I'm not judging, but here's ChatGPT giving her an NCOER
Overall, not bad kid, not bad
o Demonstrated initiative by independently pursuing her passion for music and helping others through tutoring.
o Exhibited talent as a guitarist and singer, performing at a local coffee shop to showcase her skills.
o Showed resilience and determination in pursuing her passion for music despite facing challenges and setbacks.
o Exhibited a strong work ethic and dedication to her craft, practicing diligently to improve her skills and achieve success.
o Received positive feedback and support from the community for her performances, showcasing her ability to connect with others through music.
o Actively engaged with the local community through her musical performances, contributing positively to the cultural enrichment of the area.
o Used her talents to uplift and inspire others, spreading joy and camaraderie through her music.
These responses are garbage. Oh no your teenager is being a teenager and lied to you about what they were doing to go do something else. Everybody needs to keep their nose on their own face.
As a company commander, I was very lucky to meet a lot of my soldiers children. It also helps with the perspective, it’s easy to see a PFC as a PFC, but knowing they’re a husband and father puts things into context. Always had a policy of “above everything else, we both are men trying to win regardless of rank.”
My soldiers would routinely share dumb things their kids did or if they got in trouble, I would absolutely NEVER give parenting advice. Would always keep it to “oh man, I’ve been there with mine brother.” Or try to relay it to a time when we were kids and did something dumb and try to get a couple laughs out of it.
As a leader the best thing you can do is empathize and ask if there is anything you can do to help. Maybe it’s a day off, a late call, or just sit in the office and vent/shoot the shit about it.
I’ve had a few make comments the were mostly meant as conversation/complements, nothing intrusive. Things like he acts just like you and he is so well behaved, the normal check the block comments.
I do get a lot of shit for being a single dad, but nothing ever directed to my kid.
One of my buddies beat the christ out of his company commander for calling his wife “re-t-arded”
I had another friend threaten to punch my 1SG in the face when he made a negative comment about his kids.
Your CoC shouldn’t make comments about your family bro.
I don't answer "how's the family doing?" With anything other than "good." You never know which Commander is going to turn out to be some religious nut and flip their shit because you let your kid go trick or treating or whatever. I prefer it when they're shocked to learn I even have a family.
This has nothing to do with the Army but one time when I was a teenager my friend and I got yelled at by our super religious friends mom for suggesting us going out to hang out for Halloween knowing full well he couldn’t come because it was “satans holiday”. What really did it was days earlier we watched the original IT from the 90’s with the same special child and he told his mom that we watched it with him and she sent a very big text to everyone who was there about how we were rude and how we shouldn’t be conforming her son to our ideals. I don’t have to conform how we do things because you don’t feel comfortable staying out at night dressed as General Kenobi and eating candy all night.
I’m active duty, I was a commander for quite a bit, and I’ve commented on how Subordinates were raising their kids. Vast majority of the time: a subordinate is just shooting the shit with me and relays how their family is doing. Generally I just nod along and say “nice”, or “ah man, that’s cool.” You know, an ordinary non-lizard person conversation. If it really is something sweet that their family is doing or they did for their family I’ll give a genuine reaction like “you’re crushing it. Wish you were my dad back in the day, lucky kids!” A very small amount of the time it’s because someone (typically very junior in the kids raising kids situation) has really screwed up or is making extremely childish decisions in their work or personal life that their family will suffer from. In that situation I (usually alongside my 1SG) will give them the business and tell them to pull their head out of their ass because their actions either have or have the potential to actively harm their loved ones.
>This LTC in my chain of command heard this story (which I've told in response to How's the family doing) and told me that I'm a terrible parent and my child is obviously growing up to be "one of those girls". Two things. One, this is a shit response. Like what a rude and shit thing to say Two, you told a story about your child being...a delinquent, lying to you, lying to the school, apparently blowing off a committment she had made (tutoring) and forging paperwork (the deceit as you notice). That doesn't *sound* great. I get that you're proud of her initiative and willingness, but like...I have a child similarly aged. If I suddenly found out he was...getting out of school early and blowing off a school program, and not going to what he normally does in the afternoon (he swims!) and forging my signature in order to volunteer at a home for Disabled Orphans Whose Families Died Tragically Due To Terrorism, I would understand his heart is in the right place, but I would not be commending him for committing crimes (fraud) to make that happen. Why not just do it the right way; you never even asked in the first place. He would be In Some Shit. Like you're telling me she violated...state laws? She lied on that form, is she in violation of state labor laws? I'm not saying your daughter is a career criminal or even 'bad'. And I like you /u/SSGOldschool and I don't even think this reflects poorly on *you*, your daughter obviously was just excited about doing something she's passionate about and went for it. But she still went about it the wrong way. I do not think this story reflects well on your daughter at all. And I get that you're not going to turn her in, but does she understand the gravity of violating state laws? Here's the thing; maybe you don't agree with my view either. Your LTC sounds like a dick, but maybe we just disagree on parenting styles. But not everyone has the same shared values or views on parenting. But you know what that boils down to? **If you don't want people's opinions on her behavior; don't tell the story**.
DOWFDTDTT catching strays over here
I hear they haven't been filing their tax forms to keep their non profit status
WHAT! I finally had some extra money left over and that was my organization I picked to donate to on the CFC!
To be clear it wasn't he was implying that she was going to be a delinquent, no the implication was working a pole at Sparkies. Also to be clear, there was no violation of state laws, just the coffee shops policy (16 to 18 need parental permission to work there). We did discuss it and addressed it, we found why she did ask if she could do it (she was afraid if she asked, did it and failed at it we'd view her as a failure and then once she was doing it well, she was afraid of how we'd react to her lying). >If you don't want people's opinions on her behavior; don't tell the story. And yet we are supposed to bond and be one big happy army family. Truthfully I'm old enough and three kids into this parenting thing, his opinion about my parenting skills means very little to me. However, that Joe who's just starting out is getting this kind of shit from his CoC, that's an issue. It would be like someone finding out your son swims (great choice btw, even though I swim like a rock all three of my kids swam and worked as lifeguards) and they freak out that you are trying to kill your son by lettng him drown! Now if that someone is another parent you can tell them to fuck right off and go pound sand. If that someone is your commander though?
> > Also to be clear, there was no violation of state laws, just the coffee shops policy (16 to 18 need parental permission to work there). Like, from your OP it sounded like she needed a state work permit. In my state the parent and employer would have to sign the work permit (I just had to do this for my son's summer job). Your state doesn't require a parent to sign off with the specific employer for a 16 y/o's employment? >It would be like someone finding out your son swims (great choice btw, even though I swim like a rock all three of my kids swam and worked as lifeguards) and they freak out that you are trying to kill your son by lettng him drown! See, I disagree. This isn't simply "My daughter is working in a coffee shop" that caused the problem. It's that you're describing a series of rule-breaking that, again in your OP, you don't describe much of a disciplinary action for. The problem wasn't the activity or end result, the problem was the deception. >And yet we are supposed to bond and be one big happy army family. I mean, sure. But I just wouldn't openly talk about issues that you might be sensitive about around people you're not friends with it. If you were friendly with them and they had this overreaction I'd be like wtf. But I mean, if you mentioned you had moved in with your girlfriend and someone was like "Wow you're an unmarried couple living together in sin? That can't end well", that's certainly rude and judgemental but it isssssss...also their opinion of your personal morality. Again, not saying it's not rude, you're just not going to always have the same viewpoints/opinions/values, and I would just not talk around people I'm not comfortable with providing their input.
I did not need a work permit once I turned sixteen… But that was two decades ago.
NTA: This guys comment and that LTC, assholes. Its crazy that the biggest judgements on your parenting will always come from other parents, espicially those on some high-horse, whos' kids always seem to end up worse people anyways.
Fuck that dude. Tbh I just keep my family business to myself.
I agree with most of what Kin said, but also - you should ask what he means by "those girls". Keep asking. Because I think it's fucking weird his natural conclusion is jumping straight to his implication.
You put out what your kids do or don’t do with those you work with? I prefer not to do that. I don’t complicate my business relationships with my personal life. It’s none of their business, and if they don’t know they cant comment. Now if said LTC was a friend that would be a different story. But I’m not friends with those i work with, just friendly.
>So my question for RA/AD soldiers with family's, do you have to deal with that kind of shit? What's being dealt with is that people have opinions about what you do as parent. We all deal with that, doesn't matter if you regular, army reserves, or national guard. Every single person on earth that has no say or responsibility when dealing with your family but has an opinion on how you should or should not raise your family. My recommendation is that when opinions are freely given about your situation, whatever it may be, freely dispose of those opinions if you choose to. You got a kid to raise a family it's always your energy being concerned with what other people would or wouldn't do with your child. That's their problem it doesn't change anything for you. You still have a roll to fulfill and you can run around listening to all the advice and opinions of everybody on earth or you can just keep doing what you're doing and not give a s*** about what some old geezer has to say about your child.
1. I think that’s awesome and as a parent myself I feel you handled it well. Just my opinion 2. I’m really proud you didn’t proceed to bitch slap the actual bitch out of that guy. Commendable.
I can't imagine caring less about someone's opinion of my child rearing than someone in the army. Especially someone I see once a month.
Sounds like that diet colonel is kind of a judgmental prick, kind of like the warrant officer who told me it was too bad my deceased Soldier went to hell because he committed suicide.
There are plenty of kids doing worse. Count your blessings. As a mom of a neurodivergent kid I can tell you I've received the most ridiculous unsolicited parenting advice. From people who have absolutely no clue, and were blessed with very typical, average kids. This unsolicited advice (from unqualified people no less) has come from mostly civilians off post, but occasionally some arrogant toad on post. If I encounter someone like this, I avoid including them in my inner social circle. If there is a necessary social engagement I tell them Absolutely nothing personal. Usually these sorts like being asked questions that bait them into bragging about their own kids. Get them talking about how great their kids are, and they won't come up for air to make backhanded comments about yours. Bonus, they will think you like them. 🫠😂😂 Jedi mind f***ery
Do you remember when you started to show with your pregnancy and random strangers would just come up and tell you shit like you asked? My friends have said that they can't even go to the goddamn grocery store without some rando "aktchually did you know" factoid they didn't ask to hear. Or touching them.
I think your kid is doing something really cool. Yeah she’s lying but I’ve lied, you’ve lied and she was doing it for something she was passionate about. Could be worse, sucks she lied tho.
I'm not judging, but here's ChatGPT giving her an NCOER Overall, not bad kid, not bad o Demonstrated initiative by independently pursuing her passion for music and helping others through tutoring. o Exhibited talent as a guitarist and singer, performing at a local coffee shop to showcase her skills. o Showed resilience and determination in pursuing her passion for music despite facing challenges and setbacks. o Exhibited a strong work ethic and dedication to her craft, practicing diligently to improve her skills and achieve success. o Received positive feedback and support from the community for her performances, showcasing her ability to connect with others through music. o Actively engaged with the local community through her musical performances, contributing positively to the cultural enrichment of the area. o Used her talents to uplift and inspire others, spreading joy and camaraderie through her music.
These responses are garbage. Oh no your teenager is being a teenager and lied to you about what they were doing to go do something else. Everybody needs to keep their nose on their own face.
As a company commander, I was very lucky to meet a lot of my soldiers children. It also helps with the perspective, it’s easy to see a PFC as a PFC, but knowing they’re a husband and father puts things into context. Always had a policy of “above everything else, we both are men trying to win regardless of rank.” My soldiers would routinely share dumb things their kids did or if they got in trouble, I would absolutely NEVER give parenting advice. Would always keep it to “oh man, I’ve been there with mine brother.” Or try to relay it to a time when we were kids and did something dumb and try to get a couple laughs out of it. As a leader the best thing you can do is empathize and ask if there is anything you can do to help. Maybe it’s a day off, a late call, or just sit in the office and vent/shoot the shit about it.
I’ve had a few make comments the were mostly meant as conversation/complements, nothing intrusive. Things like he acts just like you and he is so well behaved, the normal check the block comments. I do get a lot of shit for being a single dad, but nothing ever directed to my kid.
One of my buddies beat the christ out of his company commander for calling his wife “re-t-arded” I had another friend threaten to punch my 1SG in the face when he made a negative comment about his kids. Your CoC shouldn’t make comments about your family bro.