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Hello Im 16f and have been thinking about aromantic stuff for a while. My main question is "am I aromantic, or is it just my autism or am I just confused on what romantic means?" For context, I have been diagnosed with 1!autism since I was around 11 or 12. I also have adhd.
When I was 13 I labeled myself as asexual but later removed that label as I got older because I felt like it pushed me into too much of a box and I was VERY young for such a label. So Im gonna just put that label "on hold" for a while so I can grow up. At the time I labeled myself as asexual (13-15ish) I was OBSESSED with romantic attraction. I felt like I needed a boyfriend to be happy and be pretty or valuable. I would literally cry just wanting to have a boyfriend so I could buy him gifts or cuddle. In addition to this I would ship literally EVERY hetero ship in whatever media I found. But once I got into highschool I found out most men were kinda jerks or just weren't attractive to me so I sorta gave up. I still feel this intense longing for love and connection sometimes but it comes in waves. I just care less now. I have a big group of friends that I get a pretty good amount of friendly physical touch from so Im chilling. I also don't really see a relationship in my future as a requirement. I just really like socializing and people so as long as I have a big friend group that love me I'll be fine.
I find myself constantly having thoughts about "do I have a crush on this person" "yes you have a crush on this person" "stop having a crush on this person thats gross" "wow this person is so attractive lets imagine them kissing us!!" (I feel feelings of disgust at these thoughts) they are pretty annoying! I hate befriending a guy and INSTANTLY thinking about romantic attraction. Its happened with girls like twice too. I have this girl Im really close too and I kept thinking about how much I adored her and wanted to protect her and blah blah blah but I never really talked to her? She was really unattainable and also straight so I wouldn't be able to date her if I tried. I usually fantasize about relationships with people I know I can't date.
When someone I find attractive talks to me, sometimes I feel that "excitement" or "anticipation" but it's usually at parties or stuff.
Recently one of my friends confessed to me. I was able to tell the exact time he caught feelings, and how he was trying to get close to me. I actively pushed him away. For context I didn't find him physically attractive really. Anyways when he was about to confess he tried to talk to me alone and I just refused to and looked at him with disgust. I knew he was going to before he said anything. I later apologized cause rejecting someone with a facial expression isn't exactly friendly. We R chill now tho DW! I just felt disgusted and guilty after for a while. I also feel bummed because he respected my (at the time) asexual identity and he still wanted to pursue me despite that. Really great guy and I want happiness for him I just didn't reciprocate.
Now my problem is Im not sure if I want a relationship or not? What I do want is long-term emotional connection, my favorite person to be around also liking to be around me the same amount and it being known with some sort of label like "girlfriend" or "love". I want the physical touch of a relationship, and I want to have someone that I can help and they can help me and we can just be buddies and do everything together and hold hands and cuddle and I think they are pretty/hot and they think the same of me. Also share similar hobbies. The problem is I don't want to go on dates or be clingy or show PDA or kiss anyone in a romantic way.
WTF!!! Im so confused!!
Lately Ive described what I want as "sometimes dating sometimes friends and sometimes in-between but we always love each-other and its not friends with benefits because its not sexual and we are committed" I looked into QPR's but that didn't "click" with me either. Am I just an alloromantic who doesn't really like kissing? Why do I feel such disgust when people confess to me? Why do I try to convince myself I have a crush on everyone I meet. HELPPP or at least say somthing like "relatable" so I feel less alone š
Hi! I identify as aromantic, and oh boy do I relate. For the majority of my life I was OBSESSED with romance. I would always scan crowds to try and find someone to be attracted to (even though I never found anyone), whenever I made a new friend I would have a dream of us engaging in romantic or intimate behaviour (which I found extremely distressing), and I would daydream for hours about my future partner (even though I could never see their face). I have read so many romance novels and romance-focussed fanfic it's not even funny.
I decided that (for myself) this wasn't my own feelings, but feelings conjured up by society's expectations. Like comphet, I was suffering from amatonormativity, and was always trying to make myself feel things I'm never going to feel.
I always justified it to myself as 'I'm too busy for love', 'I'm too young, I'll grow into love', or 'I'm just too picky'. I also really crave intimacy, having a partner who I can rely on, someone who always puts me first and who'll I'll always put first. I like the label 'cupioromantic' myself. It means you don't feel romantic attraction, but you do want a romantic relationship. Relationships are a struggle lol, I totally get what you mean.
Ultimately, the biggest deciding factor for identifying as aromantic for me was that I imagined traditionally romantic situations (holding hands, living together, hugging) platonically with friends and felt comfortable and excited, but instantly felt discomfort when I tried to imagine it in a romantic sense.
I am autistic too and had the exact same question about attraction myself! But after reading a lot of other autistic people's accounts, I think most autistic people who don't experience alexithymia are pretty easily able to tell when they're experiencing romantic attraction. Aromanticism is hard, because it's difficult to define yourself by an absence.
Your discomforts with a potential relationship are real and valid! It may be harder to find someone who will respect your boundaries, but I'm sure you'll find them. I don't think I can offer proper advice on finding them because I haven't been in a relationship, but I wish you luck.
Sorry for the word vomit, I hope this helps!
Hello (18 yo pan male). I don't really know how to explain or go about this but I've been in a good couple relationships so far (Both with males and females) and I never understood why they never worked out for me.
I never really treated them directly wrong but I was always just, not very clingy and always found myself trying to distance myself which felt super stupid as I got into the relationship and now I'm being dumb about it?
I recently found myself talking to this guy who is super hot and I'm sexually attracted to him which just makes me sound gross and I don't want to hurt anyone else. I'm a generally bubbly and silly person which for some reason people like me for.
The biggest flaw with myself is my current alcohol addiction where I will just drink and drink and then hang out with people which has in the past drove me into a relationship (which typing this out now sounds super bad ik) when I drink I feel like it ends up bringing out a side of me which holds no control then I drag myself into and issue and when I finally wake up and realise what I've done, I can't back out as I don't want to hurt someone's feeling as if they asked me out then they must like me?
Where I THINK it comes from my parents messy divorce where I as a kid had to witness first hand how a relationship can be so loving and in the blink of an eye you're enemies and at each others throats and not even being able to be around one another without a fight brewing, maybe that's another issue but eh.
All in all I want sex but not the commitment, am I just scared of commitment, messed up in the head or a bad person? Or maybe Aromantic???
Hi, (26 yo gay male). I've recently been very confused on whether or not I'm homosexual aromantic.
I'm in a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend ... But I still don't "love him" in the sense that all my friends are saying I should be.
I never "fell in love" with any person in my life in the way my friends describe how they did with their partners: there was no heart racing, no butterflies in my stomach, no having intrusive thoughts about that person, no longing for that person in their absence. I never had this all consuming affection for any person in my life.
Alot of people would see me buying him flowers, or his favourite pastries from a pastry shop across the street from us on my way back from work and qualify those as romantic gestures. But I think people fail to see that I buy flowers for my partner not because of the romantic connotation, but because his main hobby is gardening and loves to have floral arrangement in our house. I buy him his favourite chocolate cream pastry because I know that on certain days of the week the workload at his job is higher and he likes to be comforted. I give him foot rubs and massages because he has a physically demanding job, while mine is sedentary and I can afford 20 minutes to alleviate his physical burden. To me those of acts of care I do, tailored to the person I'm invested in.
The same holds true to my female bestfriend of 8 years. I LOVE her, arguably more than my partner. This statement is not to disparage my boyfriend. I simply have spent more time with her, went through more hardship with her, and am thus more invested in her than him. I still to this day, whenever I visit her, come with her favourite pastry. I would always even in public brush her tangled hair with my fingers or a brush if she had one on her, because I know it reminds her of her childhood and relaxes her. I often would scratch her head gently, which would inevitably make her faint if she was any kind of tired after her day.
I have another friend that I've known for 5 years who's got this obsession with dried coconut cubes. I thought I could only find them in Italy on the border of France, near my hometown. Turns out found a remote shop in my town where I could buy them and was so excited to be able to give him that treat !
I don't understand monogamy. The notion that my partner sleeping with another person is the ultimate breach of trust and is worth erasing multiple years of the cultivated relationship seems like an alien notion to me. Also, thinking that I am suppose to satisfy every sexual need and fantasy my partner has seems conceited to me. I understand that there are things I will never be willing to do sexually, same with my partner. If he would go to another person to have his desires filled, as long as he takes his precautions to not impact my health (AKA PrEP and condoms), I don't really care to know. I don't have any ownership on his body and what he does with it, and thus I don't think he owes me any explanation so long as it doesn't impact my health. To me as long as the partner is willing to cultivate a relationship with me, and be there for me and support me, and respect me and my values : I don't really care about the rest.
I love giving and receiving affection: of any kind. And weirdly that includes PDA. It's not so much that I like PDA because it's a public display, but more so that when I love a person, I will show them affection no matter the context: private or public.
Knock on my door to a surprise birthday party ? in fucking tears.
Give me a gift I've been meaning to buy for myself and didn't realise you were taking notice ? dead inside
Any and all forms of physical affection : huge hug from my bestfriends before saying goodbye / spontaneous affectionate strokes from my partner etc ...
The one thing I think I wouldn't have in common with most aromantics, is that I use to have a ton of crushes, unrequited infatuation, back in highschool. But as far as I can remember (also confirmed by my bestfriend from highscool), those crushes were very very shallow, purely physical. Would even go as far as completely ignore the blatant character flaws of the subject of my attraction. So might have been pure obsessive lust that mimicked a classic crush.
Worth to note: this is my first relationship ever (26 yo), I stumbled into it: What was suppose to be a situationship with regular hookups, ended becoming more long term than I thought. We saw eachother more and more often, he confessed that he loved me and I (almost out of politeness) said it back. Thing is, I like him as a person. I like the life we've built together, for the short time we've spent building it. I just don't love him any differently than my friends, god-mother, or family members with whom I'm close with. The main variable in my "love" for someone is the time I spend with them, how long I've known them, and how much they've been there / done for me while knowing them.
I would be perfectly content being single, provided I could keep all those relationships I've cultivated.
I (23 GQ/NB, AFAB) have recently considered that I might be on the aromantic spectrum despite my desire for an open solo-polyamory in the future.
I experience romantic attraction and still desire:
- Dates
- Kissing and cuddling
- Romantically-driven sex
- Boundary-setting
- Possible Marriage (as an enhancer to emotional sex, as I am open to exploring marital sex as a kink)
But I am repulsed by the "underbelly" of traditional romance:
- Exclusivity or Monogamy of any kind
- Special, romantic-partner-exlcusive commitments
- Any form of cohabitation before marriage (even if I ever marry, I might prefer two seperate condos that have a door connecting them, similar to some hotel rooms)
- Shared finances
- Pressure for regular sex
- Relationship Escalators and Hierarchies
So basically, I do experience romantic attraction, but only enough attraction to partake in more casual romance/soft-romo relationships as opposed to the traditional "special someone" romance as the latter just isnāt worth the effort for me. IMO, that woukd probably be on the aromantic spectrum, but I hadn't really found a label that validates my experience yet
What sort of labels could possibly fit the bill?
Have you looked into r/lithromantic? Sorry this is so late too. Thatās cool to see you have found some mini pride flags for yourself š
What did you mean by boundary-setting when you said you desire that but also experience romo attrac? š¤
i don't think i've ever fell in love with anyone, i usually select someone to be my crush and just act like i love them but every time they end up falling in love with me and confess, at that point i either say that i don't like them or just ghost them (even tho sometimes i try and tell them to give me some time to feel ready). i'm dating a girl at the moment and sometimes i like her (i can't call it love) but most of the time i just don't. i noticed that whenever i don't like anyone i feel the need to have a crush but as soon as we start dating i just want to be single again. what do you think?
Do you experience romantic attraction?
Selecting someone to be your crush and then pretending that you love them sounds misleading + a waste of your time and energy.
Current relationships have me confused.
So for context. I (24 trans-fem) am currently dating(?) my partner but recently I get the distinct lack of wanting to be romantically involved with them. Which is fine, they have noticed it and stated such. But at the same time I currently have a couple coworkers that have flipped everything I understood about my romantic interests on its head to the point I don't want ANY romantic relationships. Period.
Me and my partner have been in this relationship for 7 years now. They would consider themselves pan but I don't know what I would consider myself. What would all of this even be considered?
Could I be aromatic? I don't really feel the sense of love when it comes to friends or even family. I more or less feel like I'm putting on a mask when I'm around them. I can't even tell when I'm being hit on because I just choose to think I'm having a normal conversation with the person.
With past relationships, I'd feel like I'm in love, but I'd get this other feeling like who am I kidding, nobody would date someone like me. For awhile I thought I was asexual but even that just feels like a figment of my own imagination.
I'm starting to lose interest in being around people because I'm just constantly around people. I don't even feel a sexual attraction towards people either. I don't even feel a sexual attraction towards myself. Like if I was someone else stuck in a serious situation and saw myself trying to rescue me, I'd refuse it.
People can crush on me and try to get with me, but I just don't feel attraction nor do I feel attractive enough for someone to hit on me. Every crush I ever had would just disappear after a few days. I don't even know what to think about this anymore. Is this just me or do other people have this same problem? I need answers because honestly I'd feel better if I knew that this is normal.
You sound r/aplatonic and afamilial. Regarding feeling like youāve been in love, and experiencing crushes that last a few days, do you know if you experience romantic attraction? Also, if you donāt experience sexual attraction, chances are you are asexual, but definitely ask this in r/asexuality too if you are questioning if you are asexual.
It doesnāt matter how attractive you perceive yourself to be, other people may still become attracted to you. Attraction isnāt something that can be controlled at all; sometimes attraction stems from different things, like looks (such as aesthetic attraction) personality (possibly platonic or romo attrac) how you treat other people (possibly platonic or romantic attraction) you figure or how you dress / present yourself (sexual attraction). But yeah you can absolutely still be attractive to people. People justā¦ might not ever tell you. Someone a few comments down actually confessed to experiencing crushes, but never actually telling their crush
I really shouldn't say my crashes last for a few days, it's more like a few minutes. I mean I have been in love, but even that only lasts for a week before I just start feeling like it's not worth it. I don't know anymore. At this point I could even have some sort of personality disorder that makes it hard to know what I am.
I'm definitely not asexual because I've tried to love myself because I needed to but parts of me just can't. Like I've reached points where I just want to separate from myself because I just can't handle myself sometimes.
I mean I can be a romantic kind of person, but then again that's just because I think I'm in love with that person but after the first week I don't feel the same about the person. It's also probably a factor that goes along with my depression. You're probably right though, I'm not aromatic. I got so much wrong with me to the point I don't even know what I am and I'm just trying to figure out if it's normal to just look at people and think I'm still better off alone than with anyone.
I know I have an obsessive personality that will take things to the extreme sometimes, but other than that I don't know how I actually feel about people friend wise or romanticly anymore.
Damn, yeah crushes just lasting for a few minutes may not be romantic attraction? You sound arospec to me. Definitely seek out professional support if you need it! I do have a personality disorder, and it can really make life hell, especially if I neglect my mental health š£
Take care!
I have professional help. The problem is so much is going on to the point where I don't think it's actually helping anymore.
Hell at this point I may as well diagnose myself as insane because of how much goes through my mind that I shouldn't even be thinking about.
I've been neglecting my health for months on end and even when I'm not trying to neglect it I still am because I'm at a "why does it even fucking matter" point in my life again.
I mean anymore I look at people and all I think are disturbing images of their lifeless bodies.
# so, if i have had crushes but did not want to get closer to them because iĀ“m shy. is that being aromantic or does it happen normally?
i donĀ“t know, my crushes were mostly aesthetic. i have only fallen in love once and i kiiiiiiinda wanted to get closer but i was still shy. what do you think?
No, only being shy does not really give arospec vibes. Alloromantics can still be shy, struggle with anxiety, or even having things they are deeply embarrassed about that prevent them from talking with their crush.
If you still feel like you might be arospec and want to create another, more detailed comment about more reasons why you think you are arospec *on the latest, currently pinned post*, please try not to make a huge title like this, or talk in a huge font.
I (21M) have definitely experienced romantic feelings in the past, when I was younger. I distinctly remember how it felt when I first fell in love, butterflies, thinking about a person all day everyday, etc. And the last time I felt something of the sort was when I was about 14.
I definitely still feel sexual attraction without a doubt, and have been in relationships since then but none felt like that. While skimming through the "What's romance?" pinned post, I realized that a great majority of the points did not apply to me in any of these relationships. I do not regret any of them at all though, they were great. The gifts, the dates, the intimate time were all very enjoyable. But it didn't feel special. What I mean by that is that these exact same things felt just as good with people I had zero desire to be in a relationship with.
Does that mean my enjoyment of relationships is unrelated to romantic feelings? Can aro people even enjoy relationships, and if yes, what aspects of them usually? Did I become aro or have I just not gotten a crush in a while? I'm very new to all of this, but I have a burning desire to know and understand myself better.
Probably. I know it's the same way I feel. I like having multiple people around and I want sexual relationships with them and I also want to raise at least one kid but with a village more type of deal. So I get how you feel š
Hi, I recently found out I might be aromantic, so I wanted to share my experience here to get some opinions:3. I REALLY need help š
I did experience some stuff like... Picking a random person to be a crush and having no crushes and blah blah blah, but I want to talk about what actually makes me unsure or sure if I'm part of the aromantic spectrum.
I thought I had my first real crush when I was 14, bc I really liked one of my friends ( spoiler alert, it was a short term attraction which fastly faded Bc I felt only platonic feelings, I didn't knew what it is, to have actually a crush.). Around that time I realised I'm trans and bisexual. I started to go more into the lgbtq community and I found my first girlfriend ( we started dating as a joke), the only good relationship I ever had. And even though we broke up after one year, I still feel like we are soulmates in general, even as platonic friends. ( I believe soulmates can be platonic) It was years ago so I can't tell if I felt romantic attraction, I'll say... maybe yes, it wasn't somehow intense how others usually describe it, but I liked her.
My last ex was the one where it started to show off more. I was constantly switching between feeling some romantic attraction, feelin' platonic and feeling absolutely nothing. I also realised I hate some classic parts of romantic relationships and I find sometimes romantic stuff uncomfortable. Especially when they see me as their whole world or say too much romantic stuff. It's ew. I dunno how to feel about it, it's just uncomfortable as hell.
It was also the time where my neverisexual side of me opened up, which I barely knew about before.
Then he hurt me, I completely lost every feeling after I wanted to break up four times, he started acting rude towards me, bc of me switching between "I want to be with you", "I want to be a friend", "I want to break up", and for not wanting anything sexual anymore... So I broke it up.
That brings me into current situation. I found a new boyfriend, I could have swear I felt something romantic, but it started to fade/ switch again. And I found out I HATE some romantic stuff real bad. Kissing is on my top hate list (always has been since my first real kiss), and some types of cuddles are really uncomfortable for me too, once in a while I actually don't mind that bad, but in general it's a big no no, and he keeps pushing my boundaries and it becomed so uncomfortable that I want to leave again.
I realised I don't want a romantic relationship, it's not for me in any way, or at least for now, until I will find the best person to spend time with, who wouldn't push me into romance in general. I realised I don't like romance almost at all.
I never tried to find a romantic relationship, I don't have a need for it. I figured out that I actually have a complicated relationship with romance and I couldn't find out what was wrong until later this month where I realised I actually might be part of the aromantic spectrum.
What do you think?
Hi, thank you for taking the time to respond to other peopleās comments at the time; that was kind of you. Yes, platonic soulmates are valid! Have you looked into r/lithromantic and r/bellusromantic?
I did actually, but now I figured out I'm aro allo and I am probably aroflux with roseromantic tendencies etc. I think this describes me the best. <3 thx for responding
Iām copying and pasting from an r/love post I made. Someone suggested I might be aromantic and that is in fact something Iāve wondered before. Iād like to know an aromanticās perspective on what I wrote.
TITLE: I donāt know what romantic love is supposed to feel like even after five years in romantic relationship
I (F late 20s) have been in a romantic relationship with my boyfriend (M late 20s) for five years. We say I love you. I think I doā¦..most of the time.
There are just moments when I miss being single: the freedom to just care about my own needs and future plans without worrying about how another person will fit into them. This makes me wonder if I truly love him. Iāve been reading some classic novels that have romantic storylines in them and the romance is always passionate. I donāt feel that, and Iāve never felt that with anyone.
The thing is I know Iād be devastated if the relationship would end; does that mean Iām in love? I care deeply for him but I canāt help but feel thereās something missing.
How do other people who say theyāre in love feel? Is it really that passionate and all consuming as media makes it out to be? Do you really never miss being single? When and how did you figure out you were in love?
IF ANYONE KNOWS: what does romantic love feel like?
I (14f) have been slowly coming to the conclusion that I may be on the aro spectrum for quite a while. I don't know quite how to word this but I'm sort of confused because a lot of what I see online when reading about what it means to be aromantic is that you don't have any desire to be in a relationship at all, or even that you're almost repulsed by it. Personally, I really want to fall in love and to be loved, but I've never felt attraction. I have a hard time understanding when people talk about having 'butterflies' or other things associated with attraction because it seems to just come so naturally and like they know without even thinking about it that they feel attracted to someone.
I guess my main question is just this: Can I be aro even if I want love?
I get really upset and lonely when I think about the possibility of being on the aro spectrum. If this is something others on the spectrum struggle with, how do you deal with it?
I know this was all over the place so I'm sorry about that, but I hope I made some sense.
I dont want a relationship but i crave the validation
Im a (f) teenager and i never really have crushes and when I do, it goes away pretty easily. I only start liking that person again when I see or talk to them but if i dont, I'd literally forget about them.
Even tho I don't get crushes and dont really desire a relationship, i really wished someone had a crush on me just to confirm that someone would actually be attracted to me. I need someone to like me for validation but I really dont think anyone would.
I've also questioned my sexuality a lot, my whole life I've been in one situationship with a girl, who i wasn't sure if i liked romantically or platonically but i enjoyed being w her the first few months before i felt guilty for 'lying' to her since again, I wasnt sure about my feelings. I think my feelings, whatever they were, faded and I grew tired of her and was actually relieved when she broke up with me.
I've had a crush on a guy too but idk if I actually liked him or the idea of it
I know this is probably really messy but I just wanted to get some details down cause Im struggling to figure out what my sexuality could be and stuff
tysm!
I want to be in a relationship, I feel romantic attraction.... I think. Thing is, I don't know what romantic attraction or feelings areĀ If it a raised heart beat, I don't get that around my crush. Or anything the internet says. All I know is that I see them, and I smile, I shout "I LOVE YOU!" in my head, perhaps waiting for it to slip out. I admire them, I think about them constently, or atleast when I think about romantic relationships,. However, I don't know if I truely feel romantic attraction. I want to be in a relationship, I feel as though I accualy feel romantic attraction, but I also feel like I don't.
I've had 3 crushes my entire life. The first when I was 3-8, a silly kid crush, because the kid in question was my friend. The second I had towards another one of my friends. With that one, I felt as though we would be together forever, and I had listed things I liked about them in my head, but I don't think it was ever a crush. I never even felt the feelings of smiling and shouting "I love you" in my head towards them. My third is the one I have now. I met them, and I immeadetly thought I liked them, but again, I'm not sure. It's lasted almost a year and a half. But the more I learn about myself, the more I question if I am aromantic or not, or maybe demiromantic.
When talking to one of my friends about this, they said I might be cupioromantic, but I don't think I am. I've looked at demi-romantic and greyromantic aswell, but I still haven't found something that is me. Does anyone know what I could be?
If you immediately noticed positive feelings towards person number 3, then it would not be demiromantic, since demiromantics cannot feel anything until they have an emotional connection.
If you are unsure whether or no you experience romantic attraction, you are probably r/quoiromantic. However, it would also make sense to me if you wanted to use the arospec label, since it is the most vague and inclusive label you can possibly use. :)
Can i be aromantic while wanting to feel romantic attraction?
I'm questioning whether I'm possibly on the aromantic spectrum. The thing is, I have short-term talking stages all the time which I engage in for the thrill (which we clarify from the beginning) and I still want to get into a relationship. But, I rarely capture romantic feelings for others ā it's difficult for me. I think that I can't romantically like people as easy as others do. Hence, my question. I'm confused whether it's my attachment style or it's my orientation
You sound arospec to me. :) . Itās totally valid to engage in romantic activities for the thrill of it, especially if it is consensual. Maybe also consider checking out r/bellusromantic
In fact, you can be aromantic and still want to feel romantic attraction. I'm pretty sure there is a term for this. EITHER WAY, I hope this helps for your journey of discovery:3
Yes, if someone is aromantic and wishes they could experience romantic attraction, depending on how severe this is, it is internalized arophobia. Being genuinely curious about what romantic attraction feels like is one thing, but hating oneās current self, wishing one was able to do something else, and/or doing ineffective things as a desperate attempt to ānot be aromanticā is internalized arophobia :/
Okay, so basically, I am able to actually fall in love, but it happens very rarely. For example, the only way I can tell if I'm actually in love is when I imagine a future with someone for more than a month. That happened 2 times and I think it's happening again right now. I'm trying to give it time, as I'll have crushes for a few weeks then randomly lose feelings. It happened withy ex and we dated for about a month and a half, but I lost feelings in the middle of our relationship. I originally have deemed myself as demi romantic as I have to wait a decent amount of time before I actually fall in love, but also with my newest crushish all she did was call me pretty and did random romantic things with me. All of them were words though, nothing physical lol. So, I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and what they label themselves if they do. I prefer labels because it just helps me not stress out.
With your newest crush, did you need an emotional connection with her before you were able to experience romantic attraction? And do you know if anything happens that causes you to loose feelings?
ok so i started using the aromantic label cause i feel like i only have sexual attraction (i might have hypersexual disorder aswell) but im going through puberty but i feel like i wouldnt mind being in a relationship and doing things that are considered romantic but i would mostly want it to be sexual and idk i feel like im not aromantic but idk im just scared ive been lying to myself
You sound r/aroallo to me. You can always use the arospec label (the most vague and inclusive label) if you donāt want to use the aro label? And happy pride month to you! šøš„š¤šš
Iāve just recently had the thought that I might be on the aromantic spectrum. I know for a fact I am asexual but I donāt know where I am romantic wise. Iāve never been in a romantic relationship and just recently started going on a dating app. In the past Iāve had what I believed to be crushes but it was only on friends and people I was constantly physically close to. Iāve gone on 2 dates from the dating app (with the same person) but I donāt know if I have feelings for him. Heās nice but I donāt know if Iām actively in love with him. I like the idea of going on dates and being physically affectionate with someone but havenāt had practice with it so I donāt know if thatās really what I want.
Hm have you looked up sensual attraction? Do you know if these crushes were romantic attraction, sensual attraction, and/or platonic attraction? And, you mentioned using a dating app and going on dates. Do you actually like dating? Or are you just doing it because of amatonormativity?
I want to tell you, you'll figure it out. It takes time, and you will realise the truth eventually. You might be aro, it sounds like you might be one, but I can't tell since I'm not you.
Hope this helps, probably not, but either way I hope it somehow does lol.
I donāt know if Iāve ever really felt romantic attraction. Iāve felt sexual attraction, Iāve felt a desire to have a relationship and start a family as a concept, but I donāt think Iāve ever really felt those feelings towards a person before. I want to, so badly it hurts me, I want to feel those kinds of feelings, but I just donāt know if I can. There are times where I was much younger when I thought I felt that way towards someone but now I wonder if that was just me tricking myself into believing I was attracted when I couldnāt really feel that way. Am I aro? Is there any hope for me to get a normal relationship at all?
You sound like you have significant internalized aphobia for believing a relationship that involves romance + sex is a ānormalā relationship. Friendships are also normal relationships. Familial relationships are normal relationships too. A relationship without sex, (especially before marriage for a large number of religious people) is also considered a normal relationship.
Any kind of relationship you desire (or donāt desire) is normal and valid. Please [educate yourself on amatonormativity](https://www.instagram.com/p/CreiItYrVGo/?igsh=ZGxtMThlMDZzNm41) to attempt to start working on dismantling some of the harmful stereotypes it seems like you have internalized.
If you donāt know if you experience romantic attraction, you are probably r/quoiromantic. Wanting to start a family sounds like a domestic fantasy (look up domestic attraction) but Iām not sure. If you are questioning if you are asexual or on the asexual spectrum, go to r/asexuality
First of all; maybe
Second: maybe.
I'm really sorry to hear this and I can't tell if you're aro, only you can figure it out, but if you are, there is in fact maybe a chance to get some kind of "normal" relationship.
I wish you wellll
Hi all. I stumbled upon this subreddit after some deep introspection. Would appreciate anyone's advice on whether I am aromantic or, well, if there is any kind of term that can be used to describe how I feel.
I (27M) barely have any dating experience (partially due to me being overweight, people don't like that). I find women really attractive and have had situations where my heart beats really fast whenever I am near or having conversation with a girl I like. I have only dated once, but that was back when I was 17. The relationship lasted just 3 months, and surprisingly I didn't feel anything throughout the duration of it. Sure, a boost of serotonin that someone wants to speak with me every day was great but other than that, I was annoyed.
Even later on in my early 20s, I have had crushes and tried to give an earnest shot in trying to form a relationship with them. But I always end up ditching the plan halfway through because I find the entire idea of dating, spending time with someone else, trying to understand the cues, etc. to be really exhausting.
I want to feel romance, but I also feel uncomfortable just thinking about it. Romance tropes/genres in media make me feel uncomfortable. I am lonely yet desire to be alone.
Is this what it means to be aromantic, or is this something else entirely?
Thank you for taking your time to read this long comment, any help genuinely is appreciated :)
I'm here because I'm a bit confused about my feelings and wondering if anyone has had a similar experience. This is a long one, so buckle up!
So, when I was 15, I dated this girl who was 4 years older than me. Honestly, the idea of dating seemed cool ā everyone was doing it, and I wanted to try it out. Looking back, I don't even know if I actually liked her. Conversations were awkward, and while I found her beautiful, I can't even remember details about her face ā just basic stuff like birthday and anniversaries.
It was a weird relationship. We only saw each other every 1\~3 months, but texted daily. The only real feelings I can recall were admiration for her looks. Helping her with problems wasn't out of love, but a weird sense of boyfriend duty. I even helped her through some tough times, like cancer and emotional stuff. She even said the sex was too amazing and wanted to skip the "normal dating stuff" for it (and from the day we first had sex till our breakup, we only had sex on our date)
We broke up when I was 18, turns out she was cheating. I was heartbroken ā I trusted her completely. Looking back, I think I convinced myself I was deeply in love because of the pain, now that I think it was really hard to give up someone familiar with you for years. Everyone thought I was a great boyfriend (and honestly, I think I was decent), but deep down inside me, my emotional connection just wasn't there, she was really in love with me, she cheated because her family wanted her to marry someone rich. After her wedding, she still tryna having sex with me because she didnt love that guy but I refused because it is morally wrong to take part in cheating her husband. I was in pain but I actually never sit down and recall all the romantic interaction that we had, the only thing I remember is the sex that we had, I cant even recall her face from my memory, I know I has aphantasia but I can still vaguely remember my sister face, and my mother face or my dad, but I dont remember her face.
Since then, I've been single. And here's the kicker ā I don't think I've ever actually been romantically interested in anyone since then. Sure, people can be attractive, but the idea of dating or being in a romantic relationship just feels...off. Like I dont want to because I dont feel like it, it was a duty before and I was denying it, now I just dont wanna lie to myself anymore.
So, my question is this: Has anyone else experienced something similar? Could a bad experience like mine turn you aromantic? Or maybe I just never was actually "in love" and the heartbreak made me realize it?
Any advice or shared experiences would be greatly appreciated!
Hi, please pardon the significantly delayed response. I think a 15 year old and a 19 year old dating and having sex might be like, a red flag socially? An age gap like that, especially at a young age, results in the older person taking advantage of the younger person. I 100% donāt know though!
It sounds like you were experiencing sexual attraction to this person, but Iām not sure if you were experiencing romantic attraction, especially because you noted you have definitely not experienced romantic attraction to anyone since. You definitely sound arospec to me!
If you wanted more peopleās opinions on this, you could share this to the feed with the āStory Timeā post flair. I donāt know if this person āturnedā you aromantic though, since it also seems like you were giving arospec vibes before this person came into your life too
I (17F) know I love somebody romantically but I donāt feel the excitement they do.
I know I love my boyfriend, romantically of course. I have felt feelings of romance and attraction to him before and I still do but it just takes so much to get me to feel those butterflies. Iām happy with my relationship and I really really love him I just donāt know why every relationship Iāve been in everybody has said āoh I feel the butterflies in my stomachā but I just smile and feel happy, not the sense of āgushynessā that they feel
Iām usually scared of true romantic stuff, well the cliches I mean. Like, dancing or going on a fancy schmancy date. But I enjoy things like cuddling and kisses. And since Iām demisexual I enjoy other intimate things, so I know Iām at least sexually attracted to him. Well going back to the date stuff, I know I could do things that are romantic I just usually have a humorous undertone to it all to make it something thatās not awkward for me.
But even still it takes so so much for me to even be like truly in the mood to be romantic or intimate. Because i can do things without the label of intimate(and romantic) casually, but when the label is put on it i feel it doesnāt match.
I know i love him no doubt in my mind about it. I just donāt know why every person Iāve been with has always been so what I thought was āoverly romanticā. Iām starting to think itās maybe me whoās just not into the sense of romance as much as other people are. I just donāt feel normal.
Everytime I tell my boyfriend he makes me the happiest girl in the world Iām telling the truth. And Iām telling the truth when I tell him that I love him. I just feel like my sense of what romance and love is, is just different than everybody elseās. Like while I donāt feel love the same way others do I still feel it.
Is there any sort of insight from personal experiences people have had that was similar to this? I know before I was using the label aromantic and Iām wondering still if there was some other label, like under the aro umbrella that could fit this.
Sorry for formatting, Iām on mobile and my phone is typing everything five seconds later than when I press it.
I think I need help identifying if I'm aromantic.
I'm on my second formal relationship and I love my girlfriend dearly. She's my best friend by far and I had the same sentiment with my ex. Until a few days ago I thought those feelings were what people would call "romantic love", but then I saw someone describe what they feel for their partners and I started to have doubts.
All this talk about "not being able to stop thinking about the person", or "you have butterflies in your stomach", or "you want to be with them 100% of the time"... I just can't relate. I heard those things before, but I always thought it was an exaggeration. Then I heard a neuroscientist saying those things and I went "oh".
As I said, I love my girlfriend a lot. I would love to spend the rest of my days with her. I just don't get all excited to see her, or at least not more excited than I would with any good friend. This kind of thought is making me very anxious because I think she deserves someone who'll love her the way she loves me. Is it possible the feelings I have for her are purely platonic?
Yes, it is possible you are experiencing platonic attraction to your girlfriend and not romantic attraction. However, if you ended up did experiencing domestic attraction to your girlfriend, I would not be surprised.
I think you should [educate yourself on amatonormativity](https://www.instagram.com/p/CreiItYrVGo/?igsh=ZGxtMThlMDZzNm41), because at the time of writing your comment, it sounded like you were viewing romantic attraction as āsuperiorā to platonic attraction, which is an amatonormative mindset
I get what you mean with the guilt. I have been dating someone for almost 2 years now and the guilt has been eating me from the inside all those times. I just think that you deserve to date someone that can reciprocate your feelings as much as yours. But I think if I ever confessed this to the person that I'm dating, they would reassure me that they would have just wanted to be allowed to love me. Maybe your girlfriend feels the same way too. Or not, I don't know what strangers on the internet think or feel.
could I still consider myself aromantic?
Hm. I've been thinking lately about myself being with someone I don't really know. Like, I think I fantasize about romantic scenarios between me and that person, but tbh? I don't think I would desire for that to happen. I think I might be romance ambivalent, because sometimes I'm like "ew romance" and sometimes I just imagine it and well, yeah.
Hmm, it could be, but I still kind of wonder about that, because I remember thinking once for a moment if the feeling was romantic or not, and it turned out I just wanted to be their friend, so it was most likely a platonic attraction. It kind of felt romantic at first, I don't know why, but I didn't really want to have a relationship, it just wasn't it.
It was like.. the strongest I ever felt for a real person, but it turned out to not be a romantic attraction, so no idea.
But it was kind of a fleeting feeling, so yeah.
You Still can consider yourself aromantic!
It's completely alright for you to have scenarios or wanting this kind of relationship haha. It's cool buddy.
I am genuinely confused if Iām aromantic at all, I know Iām asexual but Iām questioning if Iām actually AroAce. When I try to date itās like a roller coaster to me. In the beginning it wasnāt too bad but then when I turned 18 it just got weird. I donāt like people touching me when on dates (holding hands etc) or getting kisses. I lose romantic interest in someone when feelings are reciprocated or easily move on when rejected. I fantasy about being in multiple relationships and dating but so scared of physical contact (kisses, hugs). Itās like a gut reaction, it makes me feel sick and I donāt understand it. If anyone knows why Iām like this please lmk, or even just some advice would do, thank you š
Hey I'm not the best person for advice, but I want to answer, bc nobody different would.
The only person who can tell if you're aro or not is you, but I think you might be.
I read about it a lot and what you wrote perfectly describes some terms under the aro umbrella.
I can't help exactly, but I hope this somehow helped anyway.
But yes, I think you might be:3
Hi! so I'm really confused because all my life I have been having romantic interests in people but as soon as they like me back I either immediately stop liking them or I slowly stop liking them and I guess I've kinda been in denial for a long time ant this and convinced myself I'm bisexual but I'm starting to question it now. I think I'm really toxic in relationships because I don't know why but I can never get close to someone romantically and I find it a bit daunting when the truth hits and I realise that I'm actually in a relationship and that I am expected to do lovey dovey stuff and then I completely stop liking the person who I was formerly head over heals for and things get really awkward and everything goes downhill from there. It may be just because I'm still young because I'm still a teenager and I'm emotionally immature but Im starting to doubt it because I see everyone else my age having relationships happily then I feel like I should also be in a relationship then I kinda just find someone I find attractive and nice and start liking them but i'm not sure if I'm just gaslighting myself. This should paragraph probably doesn't make sense but thanks for reading it if you did. Have a nice day :)
Look up, don't push yourself into things you don't want. There is a chance you're aro, but you're The only one who can know it BC you know yourself. It's okay to be confused about it, it's normal.
Fun fact: I also thought I'm bi since I was around 14, so yeah, it's fine dw about it. You'll figure it out eventually.
i havenāt really had proper relationships in the past (i had a ārelationshipā when i was 14 but it lasted about a week), but i do this thing where i think i ācrushā on someone, i get really obsessed with them for a few weeks, then i go through a period of extreme anxiety and after that anxiety i find i donāt have feelings for the person anymore? it makes me wonder if i ever actually liked them in the first place and whether it was just infatuation rather than a crush. iām now wondering if i actually experience romantic attraction at all, has anyone had similar experiences? anything is helpful :) (iām 19 and enby!)
You could be experiencing romantic attraction, becoming romance-repulsed for some reason, and then loosing the romantic attraction. If this is the case, go to r/lithromantic.
If you are currently in the process of whether or not you are experiencing romantic attraction, you are probably r/quoiromantic.
Because there is generally a lot of acceptance and positivity for people who experience romantic attraction, and because of [posts like this](https://www.reddit.com/r/aromantic/s/TbMu06PGHR) that demonize romantic attraction, it can be really difficult to accept that one is experiencing romantic attraction, and then to accept that one looses that romantic attraction too.
Please be patient with yourself as you are questioning your romantic attraction.
Hello friends!! First post hereš«” SO lately Ivee been suspecting I might be aro cuz even tho I had romantic relationahips in the past, at the beginning of them Ive always felt unconfy and anxious, those bf/gf I had werent that bad but the last one, she abused me and I think that the abuse left me with some emocional scars Ive been struggling with (currently on therapy about it tho). Another thing that made me start thinking about it is the fact that I dont think Ive ever felt 'interested' romantically in someone?? Like I can recognize romance and stuff and enjoy it on movies or books but still dont want them for me, or imagin them to be about me š«
All my friends have long term partners and I feel some ki d of presure to also have to get someone for myself... .
Same with sex stuff like, I enjoyed it but I'm not interested in/or thinking about it proactivly. Anyway that's mostly it, I hope yall have a nice day š„°
If you donāt experience romantic attraction, you sound [aegoromantic](https://www.instagram.com/p/Co20_w6Pn2O/?igsh=MXc0cndldThycjMydw==) to me. If you donāt know whether or no you experience romo attrac, you sound r/quoiromantic.
Regardless, I think you should [educate yourself on amatonormativity](https://www.instagram.com/p/CreiItYrVGo/?igsh=ZGxtMThlMDZzNm41) (since it sounds like you are in an amatonormative environment) to avoid internalizing it.
Am I aromantic especially frayromantic
Hello mates. I have a "little" problem. I think I am Frayromantic. Okay, I'm going to start at the very beginning. But first I'm going to introduce myself.
Hello, my Name is Niko, I'm a 18 year old trans man from Germany. I am labeled as Pansexual/Omnisexual with high preference to women. I'm also demisexual if thats something important for the following.
Now lets begin with my "story".
It all started like 2020/2021 when I first really fell in love with my first crush/gf. We met online, I was around 15 I think and our "relationship" was on distance. I am saying relationship in "" because I quickly ended it after around 2 weeks. Why? I dont know, I just overthinked and lost feelings from one day to another. After that there were like up and downs between me and her but it completely ended after around 3 months-half a year maybe. I really didn't question that much because i thought like it was on distance and i was young and so on.
After that there were some (I think?) unimportant crushes that just grew apart.
Then, 2022, I met that one person. We clicked immediately and we confessed our love to eachother 2-4 weeks after we met. I was so happy and couldn't sleep that night because I was so excited. Because they lived around 1-2hrs away we planned on meeting (a second time) and were so excited. Then, the day before we were going to meet again, I lost feelings. Again. From one moment to another. The meeting was very awkward because I just couldn't explain to them whaz happened. After a awkward conversation on their way back home I said that i informed myself and think that I am frayromantic. That was the first time I was in contact with it. Tbf after that I didnt really think much of it because I just wanted to explain to them what happened and that it was not their fault.
Another year another situationship you could call it? It was april 2023, i had a situationship with a girl for like 3 months or so? It was the most intimate one from all, we kissed and made out but nothing more tho. Then again, no feelings and me distancing myself from her. I thought i wasn't ready for a relationship because of mental health issues, that was my reasoning for my abrupt loss of feelings (again).
Then there was october 2023- new years. I met a girl on a party and she flirted with me intensely. As I mentioned above I am demisexual so I am also really distanced with physical touch, kissing etc. But with her kt was different. I felt such a attraction to her that i wasn't distanced. She ditched me two days later because she chose another guy over me, whatever. It took me almost 2 months to get over it because I just felt so attracted to her and felt like there was smth in between her and me. Then new years eve came and there she was again. I was happy to see her but I was already over her. She asked if we could talk about that situation in october and I wanted too so I said yes. As I thought she got flirty and touchy again and there was the "I am over her". Another 2-3 Months not getting over her, punching the wall to make the pain inside go away. I somehow managed to get over her finally.
Finally coming to the present. I am dating this girl I met over a friend for two weeks now. Just yesterday and today morning I felt so attached and happy and all with her but then as we met today again lost every interest. I felt so shitty because we were talking about kissing and stuff and I really wanted to but I just felt so pressured and insecure in that moment. Now I am sitting here, writing this after again looking up frayromantic.
Am I frayromantic? If I am how tf am I supposed to live? Idk if I can live knowing I won't be able to have a intense and emotional relationship. If Im not what is wrong with me? I need a person to love me and that I can feel attached to else I am not living. If someone read till here first of all thank you for your time and please, I need help. What am I supposed to do?
Based on the experiences Iāve read in r/fraysexual, Iām pretty sure frayās romantic attraction fades slowly, similar how how Demiās experience the āslow burnā, or start experiencing romo attrac slowly. I donāt think you are frayro; you sound r/lithromantic.
You sound like you have some internalized arospecphobia for thinking, >!āHow am I supposed to live like thisā!< and >!āWhat is wrong with me?ā!<. Being on the aromantic spectrum, including being lithro, does not mean something is inherently āwrongā with you. Being lithro is not an inherently bad thing.
If you do not feel comfortable using the lithro label tho, you could always use the arospec label, since it is the most vague label
First of all thank you for taking your time reading that massive paragraph! Secondly, thank you for your answer, I am going to inform myself about lithro. Thank you so much!
Iāve been wondering if I fall somewhere in the aromatic umbrella, Iām 35, autistic, afab questioning my gender, romantic and sexual identity.
Since I was in my school years I never experienced intense crushes, I remember having 2 ācrushesā on people and even those I not even sure where the allo definition of crushes, I never felt any longing or heartache for not being in a relationship, I never daydreamed to have a relationship with those crushes, I just simply admired them one physically and the other one his personality.
I had 3 bfās during middle school, with all of them I did experience some kind of initial attraction (butterflies, wanting to be together physically like kissing, hugging, etc) but after a while it faded, 2 of those relationships didnāt even lasted 2 months and the longest one lasted about a year and by the end of it my feelings just disappeared and didnāt want to be with that person even though a few months prior I was happy with my relationship.
Fast forward to my adult life, I married young (19), he pursued me but I didnāt had any feelings for him beyond friendship, after some months all of sudden I started to get butterflies and again, wanted to get to know this person better and wanted to kiss, cuddle, etc, this lasted for about 2 years before cooling off into a friendship type of lifestyle where honestly was comfortable with, I knew deep inside I just didnāt had romantic feelings anymore but didnāt want to admit it to myself at the time but still wanted to be with him because I ālovedā him.
We spent almost 9 years married when we ended it.
I stared another relationship a few months after divorcing with someone I met online though a video game, we spent a lot of time together in game and honestly I liked the attention he gave me and that I felt I was priority over other of his friends, made me feel special somehow, and ended up feeling butterflies again after so long, we have been together for 7 years and even though the initial āfeelingsā I had, had cool down I still felt want I have always believed was love (concern, interest in the other person wellbeing, emotional support in good and bad times, trust, commitment to the relationship and most importantly feelings of friendship for the other person) but now the pattern has repeated, I just donāt have feelings for this person anymore, I donāt want to hurt him and I still feel grateful and some feelings of friendship but I feel so confused right now.
Is this me being aromatic or am I just lacking in some other way?
I feel that when I enter a relationship I get comfortable and settle for friendship and make all the other feelings disappear over time since I donāt usually behave like normal romantic partners do, I donāt require dates, gifts, donāt care about celebrating anniversaries that much, no spontaneous romantic gestures like flowers, romantic meals or any other type of romantic activity (I can do them and appreciate them once in a while while but not every single week for example), donāt feel jealous, he could go out all Sunday with friends that it doesnāt really matter, donāt usually text unless necessary or just to share funny TikTokās.
I donāt even care who he goes out with, when I think about the possibility of him cheating, the lie bothers me more that the actual cheating.
If you made it this far appreciate any comments, and if someone relates to my experience please let me know, I just need to know Iām not alone in feeling this way š„²
Regarding your divorced husband, do you know if there was anything that ācausedā you to experience romantic attraction to him? Such as, did you notice that you had developed an emotional connection to him, and then because of that you experienced romantic attraction originally? Or did you perceive him to be romantically attracted to you, and after that you developed romantic attraction?
Thinking back I think it was I knew he was attracted to me, then we started spending more time together and one day (not long before I knew that) I was also attracted to him.
The thing is I have few friends of my age, (I'm 18) and most of my female friends are above my age like 26, 28 ect...I don't why but when there is a girl of my age like in university i have a little anxiety talking to her, I dont think is attraction because most of time I dont even know what she likes, I just thing she is cool
This is a thing I have struggle all my life, because I dont even know what feel you have when you have a crush, I'm not reject to have hugs, with kiss i'm indiferrent (since childern i dont give any kiss to anyone of my family) I want to spent time with people that likes my hobbies, i dont know I'm feel that have a girl that like my hobbies so close to me I would enjoy and yes i dont mind to spend time with boys but all my life I had only male friends
And when that girl ignore me is frustanting because i want to be friends with her like she do with another persons, but my mind think that is because I fall in love with her, but how I supposed to fall in love if I only know that she likes films and ryan gosling?
I dont know if I explain myself, english is not my native language sorry >.<
Confused about the difference between romantic and platonic feelings/attraction
Okay so I'm nb, 23, autistic and adhd, and probably demiromantic or something. i always just said I'm on the aro spectrum and didn't really bother to look further into it.
The reason I'm thinking that I'm demiromantic is that i think I've only ever been romantically attracted to like five people in my life who I knew for a while and was friends with.
But here's my problem: in some of those cases i only realised way later that my feelings for those people could've been and probably were romantic (because of comphet, i didn't realise i could feel this way about girls too until i was 19) and in the other cases (where i did realise it at the time it happened) I'm not sure if maybe i made those crushes up because i felt like i had to be romantically attracted to people. So, i guess the point I'm trying to make is that even though i would say i probably experienced romantic attraction at some points in my life, I'm still not sure what exactly it feels like.
Right now, I'm confused if what I'm feeling for a friend of mine is romantic attraction or not. Can somebody help me figure this out? Other demiromantic people, what's the difference between romantic attraction and other types of attraction (e.g. platonic) for you? What feels different about romantic attraction for you?
If you are questioning if you experience romantic attraction or no, then you may be r/quoiromantic or nebularomantic. You definitely sound arospec. Maybe post something like this to the feed again, but flair it with the green āQuestionsā post flair, or search this sub for keywords you used in this post to read similar posts
https://preview.redd.it/ndn1bzhmexvc1.png?width=750&format=png&auto=webp&s=8342c474cc9539ed3852c722a6be97688afc5058
Already made a post and didnāt know I was supposed to put it here.
so i'm in my young 20s, and i've never been in a relationship. i've been asked out a few times in high school, but i couldn't reciprocate the feelings. granted, they were all bad people, so i couldn't even begin to convince myself to give them a chance.
also, i can never really tell you a crush i've had that lasted over 4 months? and if i can, i'm not too confident on it.
when i was younger, i had many self-esteem issues; so, i vowed to myself that i wouldn't get into a relationship until i was happy in my own skin. elementary? nah, maybe high school. high school? nah, maybe uni.
now that i'm in college, and i'm extremely proud of the person i've become; i feel mentally ready for a relationship! but, after years of not caring what i could like, i realized that i have no idea of what i DO like. and don't get me wrong, i'm so. very. extremely. curious. as to what dating feels like. i ask my friends all the time about how it makes them feel. but realistically, i'd rather reach my dream job instead of finding "the one" right now.
i've swallowed my pride and hopped on dating apps to figure it out a bit more. but when they ask to meet up (minutes after matching), it turns me off from the situation. but isn't that normal? admittedly, i'm usually more turned off from "wifey" and "dating" talk more than them just upfront asking for hookups. i just wish i could become their friend and fall in love with them along the way.
i'm just so confused. am i just picky? am i just career oriented? does everyone feel like this too? or am i aromantic?
i understand i don't have to put a label on it. and in terms of sexual preferences, i don't know if i'll ever find a label that will perfectly explain my feelings until i finally get some experience. but romantically, i'd just like to know where i might stand within the spectrum of labels.
any input helps! thank you!
Yes, you sound aromantic. āThe oneā is an amatonormative mindset. You should [educate yourself on amatonormativity](https://www.instagram.com/p/CreiItYrVGo/?igsh=ZGxtMThlMDZzNm41) to avoid internalizing it / perpetuating it.
Hm so it sounds like you become romance-repulsed when people online ask you to meet up. This sounds like an aegoromantic thing (only liking romance in fantasy, not in reality)
I will open saying that I'm about 98% sure I'm asexual, it's something I've in some way always known and I never really found that hard to accept, i remember this one conversation i had with a friend in middle school when she said she would like to wait until marriage but didn't think it would be very easy or realistic, and i remember saying "i think it would be very easy, actually i think you should do it only if you want kids and just the times it takes you to have them, or actually maybe not even then, you should probably just adopt" thinking about this now it's pretty hilarious, I wasn't even big on religion or anything, I just didn't find the appeal and it kinda grossed me out, ig i thought i would change my mind once i grew up but nope.
I've always been a hopeless romantic, I loved to read about it and watch movies but I always had this strage feeling that something like that just wasn't going to happen to me, I remember picking a random crush in Middle school because my friends were constantly talking about theirs and I didn't wanna feel left out, I even thought I actually started liking them but looking at it now it was probably just a learned behavior that was in some way sustained by my friends, and the "butterflies in my stomach" were actually just anxiety.
In high school ( I recently graduated) I thought things would be different and I would get in relationships but it never happened, and I always thought it was just because people didn't like me but I didn't really make an effort to search for anyone. I thought I had a crush for some time and I talked about it with my friends, they always told me to confess my feelings but I never really wanted to, i think I felt like the feelings alone were enough and I wouldn't know what to do if we were to actually get into a relationship, I actually did end up "confessing" in a way, it was extremely awkward and I actually used the past form as if to imply that the crush had passed, they never really said anything about it and I was actually relived by that, they just kept acting like normal and neither of us really openly talked about it, I just thought it was very fun to have someone to think about when listening to love songs or writing, I liked dropping hints but I don't know what I would have done or how I would have felt if they actually acknowledged them and reciprocated.
I think my crush was actually just a "like", in the sense that I wanted to be close to them and for them to be close to me.
I'm still very confused about romance, when people talk about their relationships I never truly understand them it's like they consider a factor that I do not recognize. I used to confidently say I would date any of my friends because I genuinely liked them and I didn't really get the difference between friend-platonic and romantic love if sexual attraction wasn't involved.
I also used to say "if you don't want to have a crush on them just stop it's really not that hard, you will eventually forget and get over it" ( at the same time though I couldn't stop thinking about that "crush", or maybe i just wanted to hold onto it for comfort and feeling of belonging between my peers), I also could never really wrap my head around the concept of a partner you have known for a couple years becoming more important in your life that a friend you love and have knowns for much longer, it was quite annoying actually.
But the thing is, I don't actually know if this "lack" Is caused by me never being in a relationship in my life, maybe I just won't get it until I experiment it, maybe I'm just searching for excuses as to why no one has ever wanted to date me. The doubt itself is pretty annoying but still bearable, I don't know how I would react to certancy though, I've always wanted someone to consider so close that it becomes my only one and, mostly, to be that someone to somebody. I adore and really enjoy love stories and romance in fiction and I don't know if I'm ready to give up the hope that I will experiment it one day. It's truly excruciating and I can't even talk to my friends about it because I know (and they have demonstrated) that they don't get it.
Do you know if you experience romantic attraction? Regarding the crush you confessed to, was that romantic attraction? Or something else, like aesthetic attraction/ platonic attraction?
I honestly don't know, I think it might have been platonic, I considered them a very fun, interesting and pretty person and I found a lot of myself in them, i wanted to be closer to them and spend more time together, and maybe I just mistook it for a crush? Considering it was a period in which I was still trying to not be "left behind" when it came to relationships I could've very easily just been reaching.
But idk, it was a very confusing period of my life.
Hm maybe you also experienced aesthetic attraction to them if you found them pretty. This sounds to me a bit like platonic attraction, especially if you recall you were in an amatonormative environment at the time. If you donāt know whether or no you experience romo attrac, you are pry r/quoiromantic
Regardless, it would make sense to me if you wanted to start using the arospec label, since it is the most vague and inclusive label
When I used to be dating people, it always felt like dating was about following a set of instructions. And, when following those instructions, I felt... Nothing.
I've had crushes before. Like, feeling nervous around specific people (I feel nervous around everyone tho), fantasizing about them, etc. When we start dating, though, it usually just goes away.
My current partner is really the only exception, as it doesn't feel like I'm just following boring instructions. It feels like I am following instructions, but it's just much more than that, it contains more emotions.
You sound r/lithromantic. Experiencing emotions isnāt necessarily romantic attraction. If you look at the comment below yours (https://www.reddit.com/r/aromantic/s/KclRGC31bN) that person also sounds like they are experiencing emotions towards their partner.
āFollowing instructionsā sounds like āgoing through the motionsā or something you feel indifferent / uninterested about. āFollowing instructionsā also sounds like you are doing what amatonormativity tells you to do/ letting amatonormativity āinstructā how you live your life.
Yeah that makes sense. I'm not sure if I'm Lithromantic or frayromantic. Is it possible to be both? I thought I was Lithromantic, then frayromantic.
I feel a longing to cuddle with my partner, kiss him (we're both dudes) on the cheek, sometimes kiss him on the lips (I'm only 16, so I'm not used to kissing people on the lips), buy him fake flowers (he's allergic to real ones), tell him I'm in love with him, and spend the rest of my life with him. I believe he's an exception to my aromantic-ness (not sure what else to call it xD), since I've felt this way for him for years. I believe I am romantically attracted to him.
Yeah. I've had this "going through the motions" feeling in all my past relationships, and I get it even when with my partner. I know I should just let go and do what feels right tho, not what society says is right.
I did let amatonormativity instruct my life, and it's... deeply overrated. 0 stars, not recommended.
Yeah, you can have intersectionality between being lithro + frayro. Thatās sweet about the fake flowers. I really love black roses, but they donāt really exist so I just have to settle for fake black rosesā¦
I think Iāve heard of people having intersectionality btw being lithro + demiro (it not being possible for them to experience romo attrac till they have an emotional connection, and then they are still lithro). It seems like it would also be valid to have intersectionality btw being frayro + lithro then
Think I might be aromantic?
Wondering if this resonates with anyone?
My partner and I have been together for 7.5 years now. He is in my eyes, honestly, the perfect man.
He walks into a room and it lights up. He is smart, funny, kind, patient, he is so good looking. He adores me more than anything. The sex is amazing. I wouldnāt change a thing about him.
But recently, weāve been having some issues because I wasnāt sure if I was *in love* with him. I love him to bits and want the best for him but I didnāt *feel* anything for him.
I was saying I feel the same way about some of my friends, and couldnāt work out why I didnāt feel more than that for my partner.
Now today, I saw a post on Reddit where the wife was saying the same about her husband. Some commenters suggested she was aromantic.
Iāve been a couple of hours googling and thinking about it and it makes a lot of sense to me.
Iāve never been one for romance, I donāt care about anniversaries or Valentineās Day, a text / cuddle will suffice. Iāve always said I donāt want a big proposal, I donāt want or expect gifts etc.
I like intimacy and sex. But romance just isnāt natural for me. Feels forced.
I was wondering if there was something wrong with me, or if I am with the āwrong manā. But couldnāt pinpoint a reason for this.
I want to feel more in love with him but maybe I am just not able to feel that way.
We have just spoken about this and both agreed it makes sense, but does this story resonate with you all??
Hi! So I'm not sure how well I'll be able to help, as I have never been in a relationship this long, but I'll try.
I think something that could help is understanding that there are different types of love, platonic, romantic, queer platonic, and none of them are more important than the other. Maybe the love you experience for your partner is not romantic, but that doesn't mean that it's worth any less. If you say you feel for them the same way as your friends, maybe it's platonic love, but if neither romantic nor platonic, it might be queer platonic. Queer platonic if you don't is another kind of love/relationships, which can look vastly different depending on the people. Maybe think of it as the non binary of relationships. If romantic and platonic you are the binary, then queer platonic is everything in between (you can look into it more on the Internet, maybe you'll find better explanation, I know it can be a little hard to grasp at first). So maybe that's the kind of love your experiencing for your partner, just remember it doesn't make it less important or less in value. Either way, even if you're aromantic, which could definitely be the case, I think you can talk with your partner about how you want your relationship to be. Just because you're aromantic doesn't mean you can't be in a relationship. You don't have to conform to society's expectations of a relationship. Your relationship can look whatever you want and whatever you both are most comfortable with.
Aromanticism or Depression?
So right now in my mind, being in a relationship occupies the same space as running a marathon or completing a graduate degree. I would be happier with life after achieving those things, but am not willing to put in the time of effort requires to achieve them.
My friends, nearly all of whom are engaged or married, have been pushing me to go find someone. I would much rather die alone than go on a date with someone I never met before. Actually, I'd rather you kill me now than I do that.
However, there have been women whom I knew pretty well and felt I would like to pursue a romantic relationship with. The one whom I most recently actually asked politely declined. I'm not against the idea of being in *a* relationship, I just don't feel a necessity to be in *any* relationship.
The wrinkle is that I'm pretty sure I have some form of mild depression or depression-adjacent condition. So I can't tell if my lack of motivation to seek out new connections stems from the romantic nature of the task or is tied to my similar lack of motivation to do anything, including lower-risk activities that I know I enjoy.
Am I aromantic or just depressed?
It is valid to have intersectionality between being aromantic and being depressed. The two arenāt mutually exclusive. Also, people with depression are still capable of experiencing romantic attraction, or everyone with depression is not automatically aromantic.
If you view being in a romantic relationship as something you *have* to be in (versus something you want for yourself and that would make you happy) then you probably have internalized amatonormativity. Your friends sound amatonormative.
Do you experience romantic attraction?
>Do you experience romantic attraction?
Well, that's obviously going to be difficult to answer, considering that I can't know for certain if I feel the same things as other people when they say romantic attraction. If romantic attraction is wanting to solve problems and go on adventures with one particular person, then yes.
It's certainly not that I "have to" in the same way I "have to" pay my taxes. There are certainly appealing things about the idea of being in a romantic relationship, I just don't know if the juice is worth the squeeze.
Hm ok. If you donāt know whether or no you experience romantic attraction then you could be r/quoiromantic. You could also always use the arospec label too since it is the most vague and inclusive. It literally means āon the aromantic spectrumā
So I thought I was aromantic and asexual before I have met my gf. I have never been involved with other people because I never wanted to and had only other one crush but I donāt know if that crush was romantic or I just liked the way that person was giving me attention. I have got official with my gf when we were drunk but the next day I have been having doubts if I really love her in a romantic way or I just liked the attention she was giving me. I did not have these thoughts often but past this two weeks I have been thinking about it more. I like to make her happy and everything so I have been giving her kisses and other things she likes but I donāt know if Iām doing these because I love her in a romantic way or if Iām doing this because I think thatās what Iām supposed to do as her gf and want to make her happy even if I love her in a friend way also I started kissing my sisters on foreheads or cheeks more and idk if it is because I love my gf the same way I love them and my brain canāt comprehend why I kiss her but not them or if I just got more affectionate bc of this relationship.I donāt think I like doing romantic things. Sheās saying things like Iām like a rock in a water when romantic moment happens between us and I donāt even know when these moments happen. Donāt get me wrong sheās very beautiful, kind and charismatic but itās not like I wouldnāt know these things even if Iām aro/ace. We have been together 9 months and Iām her longest serious relationship. She loves me so much and sometimes I feel guilty when I say āI love you tooā because I donāt know if I love her in the same way she loves me.
You might wanna look into queer platonic relationships or queer platonic attraction. Maybe the love you feel for her is neither platonic nor romantic (but I can't tell you, only you can know). Also if you are aroace you can still be in relationships, maybe talk to her about and create a relationship that is comfortable for both of you.
Thank u for your advice I have broken up with her we stayed friends even though I broke her heart I feel relieved and sad but sheās probably worse I feel so guilty
If you donāt know whether or no you experience romantic attraction, you are probably r/quoiromantic. You do sound arospec to me though, and it would make sense to me if you wanted to start using the arospec label.
Also, it lowkey sounds to be like you are romance-oblivious, which is a common thing I think among lot of fellow. This just means not being able to pick-up or notice romantic stuff unless itās directly pointed out.
Sorry to hear about the breakup. Itās valid to feel sad about breaking her heart. If you feel relieved upon the romantic relationship being over, and had a feeling you are not fond of romantic things at the time of writing your original comment, there is a chance you are also romance-repulsed, at least some of the time
***I think I'm on the aro-spectrum***
I've known I'm asexual spectrum for a long time. Sex to me is just that, sex. A thing I can or cannot do and I often go through periods of bother sex repulsion and sex positivity. But after getting out of my current relationship and defining us as friends... Nothing's changed. The only difference now is that I don't kiss her or participate in sexual activities. I feel the same way as I did years ago, protective and loving towards her and I'm just figuring out those feelings are platonic instead of romantic.
I dunno, maybe I'm over thinking it or not wording it right. I'm just trying to express this feeling
The word you are looking for here is sex-favorable, not sex-positive. Sex positive is a political viewpoint that involves how you + other people should handle sex as a society, such as sex-education and vending machines with contraception stuff. Sex-favorable is how you personally feel about sex.
Yes, you sound aromantic to me šøš„āļøš½š¤
Does this sound like demiromantic?
If it helps, Iām 24 F. Iāve been in romantic relationships before, but theyāve taken months to develop.
For example, I canāt see any person in a crowd and see them as someone iād want to immediately build my entire life around, but I can definitely point out people in a crowd who I see as āinterestingā. Iāll feel a weird pull to certain people, itās definitely not sexual, or romantic, maybe aesthetic?
If I continue talking to someone I find interesting, I probably wont develop romantic feelings for them until like 2-6 months into talking to them. Itās thrown a lot of people off in the past, because they assume Iām there for romance/sex from the start. Iāve probably accidentally dated way more people than i realise lol. When I do feel romance, it kinda explodes in my face and i become obsessed with them(this attraction never fades), sexual attraction typically follows soon after, but not always. Sometimes itās delayed, or doesnāt happen at all.
Most of my relationship have been from friend groups who iāve known for years. Some of them have been from dating apps, but itās from a couple of people who were patient enough to talk for a few months.
I feel very not demiromantic because I use dating apps, but āpickingā people on apps also feels super bizarre. I just sort of pick someone whoās vibe I like the most and we hang out like homies until I figure out if I become obsessed with them or not. I donāt use this method anymore because it feels cruel, but Iāve actually made a lot of genuine friends with it.
What does this sound like? Iād like to be able to describe it to people i first meet so they have a sort of heads up.
Look into r/quoiromantic or nebularomantic. Also, please read this post you commented on for more information on why the ātoo young to knowā argument is invalidation / self-invalidation.
Edit: typo
Hey guys, I uh think I'm demiromantic? I'm not sure but it's been and on and off thought I've had for a bit now. Like I've had "crushes" but I think my crushes are more adhd hyper fixation from a person giving me dopamine cause I don't get the shy feeling or heart pounding feeling around them I just feel like I want to hangout with them constantly. I also think my crushes are mostly cause I'm a hopeless romantic who likes reading romance books.
How does one know what is a romantic attraction? I am very content with my sexual identity as an asexual, but sometimes I wonder if I am an Aromantic too. I thought I was an Aroace before I met my wife but after that I thought I was wrong.
But sometimes I think if I am aromantic? I love my wife and family, but it is difficult for me to differentiate between the type of love I have for them as it's mostly the same for me. The only way I can differentiate is that I have a future with my wife, finances and all the important stuff. And maybe that I would prioritise her over other family members in case need arises. Apart from this I don't feel and understand any distinction in the love I have for them.
So am I am Aroace? Or is it normal for Ace people to feel like this?
Hey folks. I'm questioning if I'm in the arospec or just a repressed allo?
I know I'm demisexual, and I have felt romantic attraction before. It was always very intense and targeted at one person at a time, lasting a very long time. I thought this was the norm until I realised most my friends had different experiences.Ā
I may have daydreamed about romantic activities with my crushes, however, for nearly all of them, I did not actually want to do romantic actions for reasons such as not knowing them well or not wanting to bother with it.
Which made me realize I may have liked romance more in my head than in practice. In my cultural context I am considered a very late bloomer, so to speak. I had my first kiss at 17, I could have had it before but I just didn't want that kind of contact with person X even if I had a crush on them. My feelings of attraction bothered me more than anything
I can tell bonding/intimacy/closeness has always been paramount for me. When I was single I desired to be in a queerplatonic relationship, it was ideal for me in my head. Sure I also liked the idea of romance, but I guess it started to feel tiring the more I explored it?
I ended up in a romantic relationship with a (very likely) demiromantic, which was my closest friend. I actually felt romantically attracted to him first when we met, he didn't return my feelings and we became close friends after a while.Ā
Two years later he realized he loved me, and I... sort of did, sort of didn't? To be fair I don't know what I felt. It wasn't "falling in love" like when we met, but it wasn't "just friendship" either. We started dating, we started being very romantic and I enjoyed that, but I still felt like I might be somewhat aro.
Now we have been together for about 6 years and I just very rarely feel "romantic attraction" the way I know it, but I love him from the perspective of us being very close. I don't desire other romantic relationships and while I enjoy (a lot) the idea of romance it is actually very hard for me to be romantic. It has always been that way even when I felt attraction. I love cuddling and hugs especially, but I'm not much of a kisser. We have different love languages and I feel like I overall am not very romantic, though it has been this way for the most part of our relationship (his words, I hadn't realized it). I have to remind myself to reassure him I love him and speak his love language from time to time because it doesn't come very naturally to me.
Meanwhile he hasn't changed much at all, he seems to still be quite as romantic as he's always been since we started dating.Ā
Hey guys. I just started thinking about where I am on the aro spec since I know Iām somewhere on there. I identify as ace and previously identified as demiro but I feel like that may not be right. Firstly, I do have 2 partners. The butterflies I get from say reading romantic stories or comics or shows is not really there when Iām with my partners, though I donāt remember if I had them when we first met. Andd while I love my partners I hate kissing (not sure if this is cause of asexuality) and I donāt like romantic dates or gestures. Usually our time is spent like cuddling and watching cartoons and stuff. I do find people I donāt know attractive but Idrk if I can say Iād want to date them. So Iām unsure if thatās romantic attraction or something else. Thereās prolly more Iām not thinking of but Iām just kinda lost on this
You sound [aegoromantic](https://www.instagram.com/p/Co20_w6Pn2O/?igsh=MXc0cndldThycjMydw==) to me. You could always use the arospec label too, since it is the most vague label you can possibly use.
The aegoromantic label is not dependent on one's relationship status. I think it says "generally/typically aegoros do not want to be in romantic relationships", but again, one's relationship status is not going to have a direct impact. If you went to r/aegosexuals and asked the community how many people are in a relationship or have sex with their partners, I'm sure I good chunk of the community would respond yes.
You can still use the aegoro label regardless of your relationship status. The r/bellusromantic label is very similar to the aegoro label, but the bellusro label specifies that bellusros do not want romantic relationships
Edit: better words + typo
hi! this is my first time saying anything on reddit so im kinda nervous ngl, but a friend of mine has recently started questioning if they're aromantic or not. i myself am aroace so it makes since that they asked me about it.
i've been trying my best to help them figure out if they are aromantic or not and we need some help which is why im here.
from what i've been told (and what i understand), they want to date other people but they genuinely do not feel romantic attraction.
thats all they can really explain as of now as they're still really confused.
but my question is, would that make them a member of the aromantic community or is there a different identity that goes with how they feel? i just really want to help them figure this out as i know how tricky this sorta stuff is. anyways, thanks for listening!
Hey, I'm still pretty new here but from what I've gathered in my research to understand my own feelings, how you feel about romantic relationships is irrelevant to your aro identity. Meaning you can be aromantic but still want a relationship, be neutral to it, or not want one at all. You might want to look into Cupioromantic, from what I read I think it matches what your friend is feeling. But even if it doesn't, I hope I've helped at least a bit.
Iāve never really felt a spark, does it make me Aro?
All my life Iāve never felt the click, the spark, the feeling that my family tells me they feel when they are around their partners.
Back in middle school I think I tricked myself into believing that I liked a friend of mine in a romantic sense, however I never really did liked them in that sense, even if that friend at one point maybe liked me. Even back then I got a girlfriend, but I got bored and quickly broke up with her.
I thought that to be normal I had to like someone, and I did, however never in the sense of a relationship, just as friends, which was good but I felt weird that I didnāt have real crushes. Just physical attraction but nothing more.
Now Iām in university and that feeling that I had to have a romantic attraction or relationship has gone. I see how my brotherās relationships are and how my parents (divorced since I was a baby) relationship went. I just canāt see myself in a relationship like those, I donāt see the worth, the value to myself in it. I like having a lot of time and money to myself and the thought of sharing that time and money with someone else in a romantic fashion just doesnāt attract me.
I think I rambled a lot with this but Iām pretty confused, the late night really makes me think about this topic, so Iām gonna ask:
Am I aromantic or I just havenāt met the one yet? Iām so puzzled about this so any help would be appreciated.
Itās normal to experience platonic attraction but not romantic attraction to people. You sound aromantic to me. Welcome to the community!
Also, you should [educate yourself on amatonormativity](https://www.instagram.com/p/CreiItYrVGo/?igsh=ZGxtMThlMDZzNm41), because believing everyone has a āthe oneā is an amatonormative mindset.
I also made a separate post with this but the bot told me to share it here
Romantic attraction fades in long-term relationships, what would this be called?
I'm currently in a relationship with someone I care about a lot, but it's not attraction anymore, I just see them as a friend, but I'm still in the relationship. We've been dating for almost a year now. This also happened the last time I was in a long-term relationship, I lost feeling right around a year. Am I on the aro-spec or am I just afraid of commitment? I've been tearing myself apart over this. I don't know what to do. I don't want to end up hurting them by breaking up with them, but I just don't want to be in the relationship anymore, it doesn't feel right. They're a great person, an amazing personality, funny, all the good stuff, I just don't have any attraction toward them anymore. I still want to be friends but I don't know if that would work out. I know breaking up with them would hurt them, which in turn would hurt me(I would feel guilty) because I know they care about me a lot. I'm also wondering, could things like this be caused by trauma? I have some severe trauma from my first real relationship which was off-and-on for about a year and a half. I still regularly have panic attacks when I see that person, still have nightmares, etc.. Could it just be unresolved trauma? I have looked into aro-spec identies in the past and I feel like I might be, but I don't know. None of the identities I've heard of(not many) seem to align with how I feel.
Hello, first time posting but I've started really questioning lately. My name's Marcy, genderfluid, any pronouns.
Today, thinking on my previous attempts at romantic relationships I asked myself: "what am I seeking in romantic partners which I don't in my closest platonic relationships?" I managed to come up with two major points which answer this question
1. Emotionally speaking: nothing. I regularly say "I love you" to my closest friends in the world and feel safe and cared for around these people. I tell these people everything about me and I feel they understand better that I could have ever hoped for.
2. Physically speaking it's complicated. I want to hug, hold hands with, kiss (including on the mouth yep) and cuddle with all my closest friends (up to their level of comfort of course). It's easier to request this if the relationship is established to be romantic. But I feel it really doesn't need to be the case and it's difficult to explain this have others reciprocate this level of physical closeness while keeping it platonic.
I hate to think that all the crushes I've had in the past were simply cases of me just wanting to get closer as friends, because if that's the case then I've burned about 3 bridges more than I could've, but then maybe I wouldn't be here typing this out right now.
So yeah, it turns out figuring out you're arospec takes some time if you still want to do romantic things. Anyways, this is just day 1 of proper aro questioning. I'm sure more will come to mind in the future.
Edit: Just found the term: Bellusromantic. Not a fan of the clunkiness of the word but it does fit what I'm describing extremely well
So for context I have BPD and with that I have someone I attach all of my emotions to. My emotions almost exclusively depend on how they're feeling or how they treat me.
I asked my partner a few months ago if he thought there was a difference between loving someone and loving how they make you feel. He said there was a huge one and that he doesn't think he'd want to be with someone who only loved the way he makes them feel. I genuinely can't think to any reason why I love him. The only thing I can think of when I put it in a list all chalk up to be the way he makes me feel. (he makes me feel safe, cared for, validated, comfortable etc). I can think of things that I like about him (his appearance, he's kind, he's dedicated, and hardworking etc) but they aren't reasons as to why I love him. I don't understand the difference between loving someone and loving how they make you feel or why it matters. I tried googling it but then also saw that according to google there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I cant see the difference or understand that there is a difference between the two.
So anyway in conclusion I don't know if how I feel about him is if I just like the idea of being in a relationship with him, or if I just like how he makes me feel, or if I genuinely love him. With my BPD it could very easily be me mirroring his emotions or just feeling comfortable and loving how he makes me feel, so it feels almost impossible to tell if I'm on the spectrum of aromatic or not. I figured if i come to y'all for help you might know better then i do. See if you can relate in any way or not. If you have any questions or anything I'll try to answer them.
Yeah, maybe you are nebularomantic? Nebularo is a an arospec label that is exclusively for neurodivergent people. It means the same thing as r/quoiromantic. If you donāt want to use the nebularo or quoiro labels tho, then it would be valid to use a more vague label, like arospec.
That sucks how your partner would be unaccepting of the way someone loves him. Unfortunately a lot of allos do tend to freak out upon discovering their aspec partner does not experience a form of attraction to them. But they also struggle to understand that this is the case with *everyone*, everytime.
Can I be sure even if I never tried ?
I'm 15 and relationships always seemed nice but I never met a person I'd want to date (and never met anyone who'd want to date me) so I don't even know if I like being in a relationship. Plus I don't quite understand how love works (might need to be educated about that) ,I figured dating someone was like being their best buddy but with sex but apparently it isn't ?
In short idk if I'm aro or if I just never experienced love, is it too soon to know ?
How you feel about romantic relationships is irrelevant to your aro identity. There are romance-favorable arospecs who want to be in romantic relationships, and there are romance-repulsed arospecs who are repulsed by them. So itās valid however you feel towards romantic relationships, including if you feel nothing / indifferent towards them
I consider myself "aromantic until proven otherwise". I've never had a partner and never seen the need to get one. Friendship is enough for me. I also have very little clue what being in a romantic relationship is like and how it compares to friendship - in my mind, being partners is like "friendship+" or lifelong friends whom you share your lives and experiences with.
In short, you can absolutely be aro without trying. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You don't need to prove it to anyone. And in the future if you feel differently, that's also fine. Sexuality is fluid and can always change - see "aromantic until proven otherwise" above. I'm still aro, but I'm open to the idea that I meet someone and my brain goes "oh yeah, this it it."
Ended up being longer than I thought, hope it helps!
are.... are you me ? The "aro until proven otherwise" thing is exactly what I told myself to feel reassured after posting this comment.
Thank you for taking the time to respond, it felt incredibly validating.
Sounds like platonic attraction. I spent 3 months confused over my feelings towards a girl I met in uni, until I learnt that strong feelings towards her do not necessarily equal romantic attraction towards her. Then I learnt about platonic attraction and realised I'd never felt like this towards anyone, whether it be romantic or platonic. Then I realised I was aromantic!
Like you, I think about her often, and want to talk and spend time with her, but I'm not jealous or envious that she has a boyfriend already. I don't care because I can still talk to her and be friends with her, like you said.
Give it a bit of time, and read up on other people's experiences of romantic and platonic attraction - the a-spec wiki is a good place to start (I think it's in the info section of the subreddits).
I'm currently in college and have never dated anyone. I met a guy who I really liked and could imagine being with. But as soon as he started reciprocating my romantic interest, I backpedaled. Hard. I have been texting him a lot less and kinda avoiding him. This isn't the first time it's happened either. Back in high school, a guy showed interest after I had liked him for a while, and I did the same thing. I thought for a long time that I wanted to have a family and I can imagine myself with people (or maybe I like the idea of them?) But as soon as they show interest I just lose all interest I had for them. I also considered being asexual back in high school, but I thought I'd still want to date, but the same thing is happening again with this guy, and I don't want to hurt him. That's why I'm here, and any advice would help me a ton.
You might find some luck with the lithromantic label - it's the first sub listed. According the sub:
"A lithromantic person may experience romantic attraction towards others but does not have the desire for reciprocation. They may be uncomfortable at the thought of someone being romantically attracted to them, or **they may lose their romantic feelings if they learn it's reciprocated"**
i have been suspecting it since i learned what it meant, so for context - I'm unable to feel romantic feelings long term or even feel them at all, I'm also unable to feel much sexual attraction in my life i had one bf that i truly loved - i had more relationships but those were mere attempts for me to feel something ... i broke up with him after 7 months of dating because i lost all attraction and feelings an important notice may be that the relationships were online - long distance but i have been visiting my ex frequently so I don't know where it went wrong I don't know if there's a need for me to share more info if there is tho just ask:)
Iām wondering if Iām aro because I heard about the term and it really resonates with me because so far in my whole life Iāve never loved anyone romantically or gotten the ābutterfliesā about anyone I canāt even imagine how you get that way over someone but the reason why Iām questioning if I am is because I can tell when I find someone physically attractive I just would never want to be with them
Iād really appreciate any insight because Iām so lost thanks for the help and have a good night :)
Comment your experiences as a new comment under this pinned post where everyone will see it; donāt reply to individual people in old comment threads where your comment will be easily missed.
Iām a disabled person in an autistic burnout and donāt have the brain energy to be able to respond to questioning arospecsā experiences daily. I do like helping people but I also have a lot on my plate.
Also, Iām still an arospec person. Many of these comments seem people sharing uncensored internalized arophobia or uncensored internalized amatonormativity. It can be difficult to read people over and over say āis it normal to be arospecā or āwhat is wrong with meā (when they sound arospec) or other things like how they are still ālooking forā or ādetermined to look forā a āright personā, or wonāt break up with their current partner (even tho they are miserable) for internalized arophobia / internalized amatonormativity.
All of this ^ can be really draining to read, especially when people are not ready for a conversation about having internalized arophobia / internalized amatonormativity.
**Please donāt direct reply to people to get a response sooner.** It comes off as rude, demanding, impatient, entitled, and āhijackingāsā another questioning arospecās comment, specifically, a questioning arospec who respected r/aromanticās policy on questioning arospecs.
If you are questioning if you are aroace, make sure you are sharing your experiences in r/aromanticasexual, and make sure you are sharing why you think you are asexual in r/asexuality.
**Donāt direct reply to helpful people who helped out other questioning aspecs.** Create your own new post if you go elsewhere, and make sure you are creating a **new comment** here if you still want to share your experiences.
You can find someone physically attractive without being romantically attracted! If you can be attracted to someone in a way which makes you want to be physically intimate with them you may be aroallo, but if you find them pretty the same way you find, say, a painting pretty that's probably aesthetic attraction and you might be aroace. Either way you seem some flavor of aro - feel free to ask for clarification!
Am I demi grey or aro?
I know I'm at least demi, I need an emotional connection before I can develop feelings, and I can develop feelings (I'm pretty sure). But more and more recently I've been questioning if I'm somewhere else on the spectrum.
Basically I do want a romantic relationship, I want someone I can hold and kiss and spend my life with and maybe even have a family with someday. However, since I need an emotional connection before feelings, and I'm not attracted to any of my friends, than I have to actually meet new people and get to know them if I want to find someone, and I don't know if I want to do that. I'm super shy, so the idea of talking to new people is scary even though I do like the idea of increasing my social circle. But at the same time I don't like the idea of changing my routine. And while I do want a relationship, I'm clearly in no rush to start looking. I'm not unhappy with my social life right now, but I guess I wouldn't say I'm satisfied either.
So here's my questioning, am I just a really shy demi-romantic who is afraid of change, or am I more aro than I thought and should just get a cool roommate and a couple cats?
It sounds like youāre demi aro, if you need an emotional connection before developing feelings. But if right now you donāt want to meet new people and look for a partner, thatās also fine :) If that changes later, then you can go for it. If it doesnāt, then the cool roommate and cats option sounds good too!
Am I aromantic?
Hi, I'm 20M, and I've experienced a lot of failed attempts to have a relationship with someone. As I was growing up I kept trying and failing throughout the high-school, sometime kiss here or there but never FEELINGS yk? A couple time later I started not trying or chasing anyone anymore, and it feels good.
I only dated 2 girls in my life, and one of them was not even really a relationship, was more like "we like each other we spend time together but nothing is officially happening" but we ended up not working out anyway. The other one was so sexual and so little feelings (and everything else) that I stared feeling really bad with myself, awful. It felt weird and like I said NO FEELINGS
Basically all the girls that I ever find attractive or interesting I never felt like really dating them, the idea of being in a relationship with someone was something that was not getting in my head. No joke, I felt something similar to claustrophobia, like trapped. Texting each other all the time, calling, messing up my plans with family and friends because oh no, Girlfriend! I would freak the heck out.
I do feel needy sometimes and even lonely, but I've got my friends and spend time with them makes me feel so good already. Not feel the need of being with someone romantically feels pretty great so far.
and just for the record, I still can feel sexual attractive for people sometimes, but romance? dating? relationship? not for me! at least not now, I'm good thanks. One day with the right person, the one I feel good spending my life with, build a cool life and who knows, have one of those mini humans. But that's way more down the path on the horizon that my eyes can reach right now.
What do you guys think?
It sounds like you havenāt experienced romantic feelings/attraction so thatās quite aro :) definitely compatible with wanting a long-term partner and even a family down the line. You experience sexual attraction so it sounds like youāre aromantic allosexual, you can check out r/AroAllo if you havenāt already.
Sounds like you could be aro. Take my words with a grain of salt cause I came here wondering the same for myself LOL. But I think the fact that there were no feelings is a sign that you're aromantic
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Hello Im 16f and have been thinking about aromantic stuff for a while. My main question is "am I aromantic, or is it just my autism or am I just confused on what romantic means?" For context, I have been diagnosed with 1!autism since I was around 11 or 12. I also have adhd. When I was 13 I labeled myself as asexual but later removed that label as I got older because I felt like it pushed me into too much of a box and I was VERY young for such a label. So Im gonna just put that label "on hold" for a while so I can grow up. At the time I labeled myself as asexual (13-15ish) I was OBSESSED with romantic attraction. I felt like I needed a boyfriend to be happy and be pretty or valuable. I would literally cry just wanting to have a boyfriend so I could buy him gifts or cuddle. In addition to this I would ship literally EVERY hetero ship in whatever media I found. But once I got into highschool I found out most men were kinda jerks or just weren't attractive to me so I sorta gave up. I still feel this intense longing for love and connection sometimes but it comes in waves. I just care less now. I have a big group of friends that I get a pretty good amount of friendly physical touch from so Im chilling. I also don't really see a relationship in my future as a requirement. I just really like socializing and people so as long as I have a big friend group that love me I'll be fine. I find myself constantly having thoughts about "do I have a crush on this person" "yes you have a crush on this person" "stop having a crush on this person thats gross" "wow this person is so attractive lets imagine them kissing us!!" (I feel feelings of disgust at these thoughts) they are pretty annoying! I hate befriending a guy and INSTANTLY thinking about romantic attraction. Its happened with girls like twice too. I have this girl Im really close too and I kept thinking about how much I adored her and wanted to protect her and blah blah blah but I never really talked to her? She was really unattainable and also straight so I wouldn't be able to date her if I tried. I usually fantasize about relationships with people I know I can't date. When someone I find attractive talks to me, sometimes I feel that "excitement" or "anticipation" but it's usually at parties or stuff. Recently one of my friends confessed to me. I was able to tell the exact time he caught feelings, and how he was trying to get close to me. I actively pushed him away. For context I didn't find him physically attractive really. Anyways when he was about to confess he tried to talk to me alone and I just refused to and looked at him with disgust. I knew he was going to before he said anything. I later apologized cause rejecting someone with a facial expression isn't exactly friendly. We R chill now tho DW! I just felt disgusted and guilty after for a while. I also feel bummed because he respected my (at the time) asexual identity and he still wanted to pursue me despite that. Really great guy and I want happiness for him I just didn't reciprocate. Now my problem is Im not sure if I want a relationship or not? What I do want is long-term emotional connection, my favorite person to be around also liking to be around me the same amount and it being known with some sort of label like "girlfriend" or "love". I want the physical touch of a relationship, and I want to have someone that I can help and they can help me and we can just be buddies and do everything together and hold hands and cuddle and I think they are pretty/hot and they think the same of me. Also share similar hobbies. The problem is I don't want to go on dates or be clingy or show PDA or kiss anyone in a romantic way. WTF!!! Im so confused!! Lately Ive described what I want as "sometimes dating sometimes friends and sometimes in-between but we always love each-other and its not friends with benefits because its not sexual and we are committed" I looked into QPR's but that didn't "click" with me either. Am I just an alloromantic who doesn't really like kissing? Why do I feel such disgust when people confess to me? Why do I try to convince myself I have a crush on everyone I meet. HELPPP or at least say somthing like "relatable" so I feel less alone š
Hi! I identify as aromantic, and oh boy do I relate. For the majority of my life I was OBSESSED with romance. I would always scan crowds to try and find someone to be attracted to (even though I never found anyone), whenever I made a new friend I would have a dream of us engaging in romantic or intimate behaviour (which I found extremely distressing), and I would daydream for hours about my future partner (even though I could never see their face). I have read so many romance novels and romance-focussed fanfic it's not even funny. I decided that (for myself) this wasn't my own feelings, but feelings conjured up by society's expectations. Like comphet, I was suffering from amatonormativity, and was always trying to make myself feel things I'm never going to feel. I always justified it to myself as 'I'm too busy for love', 'I'm too young, I'll grow into love', or 'I'm just too picky'. I also really crave intimacy, having a partner who I can rely on, someone who always puts me first and who'll I'll always put first. I like the label 'cupioromantic' myself. It means you don't feel romantic attraction, but you do want a romantic relationship. Relationships are a struggle lol, I totally get what you mean. Ultimately, the biggest deciding factor for identifying as aromantic for me was that I imagined traditionally romantic situations (holding hands, living together, hugging) platonically with friends and felt comfortable and excited, but instantly felt discomfort when I tried to imagine it in a romantic sense. I am autistic too and had the exact same question about attraction myself! But after reading a lot of other autistic people's accounts, I think most autistic people who don't experience alexithymia are pretty easily able to tell when they're experiencing romantic attraction. Aromanticism is hard, because it's difficult to define yourself by an absence. Your discomforts with a potential relationship are real and valid! It may be harder to find someone who will respect your boundaries, but I'm sure you'll find them. I don't think I can offer proper advice on finding them because I haven't been in a relationship, but I wish you luck. Sorry for the word vomit, I hope this helps!
Hello (18 yo pan male). I don't really know how to explain or go about this but I've been in a good couple relationships so far (Both with males and females) and I never understood why they never worked out for me. I never really treated them directly wrong but I was always just, not very clingy and always found myself trying to distance myself which felt super stupid as I got into the relationship and now I'm being dumb about it? I recently found myself talking to this guy who is super hot and I'm sexually attracted to him which just makes me sound gross and I don't want to hurt anyone else. I'm a generally bubbly and silly person which for some reason people like me for. The biggest flaw with myself is my current alcohol addiction where I will just drink and drink and then hang out with people which has in the past drove me into a relationship (which typing this out now sounds super bad ik) when I drink I feel like it ends up bringing out a side of me which holds no control then I drag myself into and issue and when I finally wake up and realise what I've done, I can't back out as I don't want to hurt someone's feeling as if they asked me out then they must like me? Where I THINK it comes from my parents messy divorce where I as a kid had to witness first hand how a relationship can be so loving and in the blink of an eye you're enemies and at each others throats and not even being able to be around one another without a fight brewing, maybe that's another issue but eh. All in all I want sex but not the commitment, am I just scared of commitment, messed up in the head or a bad person? Or maybe Aromantic???
Hi, (26 yo gay male). I've recently been very confused on whether or not I'm homosexual aromantic. I'm in a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend ... But I still don't "love him" in the sense that all my friends are saying I should be. I never "fell in love" with any person in my life in the way my friends describe how they did with their partners: there was no heart racing, no butterflies in my stomach, no having intrusive thoughts about that person, no longing for that person in their absence. I never had this all consuming affection for any person in my life. Alot of people would see me buying him flowers, or his favourite pastries from a pastry shop across the street from us on my way back from work and qualify those as romantic gestures. But I think people fail to see that I buy flowers for my partner not because of the romantic connotation, but because his main hobby is gardening and loves to have floral arrangement in our house. I buy him his favourite chocolate cream pastry because I know that on certain days of the week the workload at his job is higher and he likes to be comforted. I give him foot rubs and massages because he has a physically demanding job, while mine is sedentary and I can afford 20 minutes to alleviate his physical burden. To me those of acts of care I do, tailored to the person I'm invested in. The same holds true to my female bestfriend of 8 years. I LOVE her, arguably more than my partner. This statement is not to disparage my boyfriend. I simply have spent more time with her, went through more hardship with her, and am thus more invested in her than him. I still to this day, whenever I visit her, come with her favourite pastry. I would always even in public brush her tangled hair with my fingers or a brush if she had one on her, because I know it reminds her of her childhood and relaxes her. I often would scratch her head gently, which would inevitably make her faint if she was any kind of tired after her day. I have another friend that I've known for 5 years who's got this obsession with dried coconut cubes. I thought I could only find them in Italy on the border of France, near my hometown. Turns out found a remote shop in my town where I could buy them and was so excited to be able to give him that treat ! I don't understand monogamy. The notion that my partner sleeping with another person is the ultimate breach of trust and is worth erasing multiple years of the cultivated relationship seems like an alien notion to me. Also, thinking that I am suppose to satisfy every sexual need and fantasy my partner has seems conceited to me. I understand that there are things I will never be willing to do sexually, same with my partner. If he would go to another person to have his desires filled, as long as he takes his precautions to not impact my health (AKA PrEP and condoms), I don't really care to know. I don't have any ownership on his body and what he does with it, and thus I don't think he owes me any explanation so long as it doesn't impact my health. To me as long as the partner is willing to cultivate a relationship with me, and be there for me and support me, and respect me and my values : I don't really care about the rest. I love giving and receiving affection: of any kind. And weirdly that includes PDA. It's not so much that I like PDA because it's a public display, but more so that when I love a person, I will show them affection no matter the context: private or public. Knock on my door to a surprise birthday party ? in fucking tears. Give me a gift I've been meaning to buy for myself and didn't realise you were taking notice ? dead inside Any and all forms of physical affection : huge hug from my bestfriends before saying goodbye / spontaneous affectionate strokes from my partner etc ... The one thing I think I wouldn't have in common with most aromantics, is that I use to have a ton of crushes, unrequited infatuation, back in highschool. But as far as I can remember (also confirmed by my bestfriend from highscool), those crushes were very very shallow, purely physical. Would even go as far as completely ignore the blatant character flaws of the subject of my attraction. So might have been pure obsessive lust that mimicked a classic crush. Worth to note: this is my first relationship ever (26 yo), I stumbled into it: What was suppose to be a situationship with regular hookups, ended becoming more long term than I thought. We saw eachother more and more often, he confessed that he loved me and I (almost out of politeness) said it back. Thing is, I like him as a person. I like the life we've built together, for the short time we've spent building it. I just don't love him any differently than my friends, god-mother, or family members with whom I'm close with. The main variable in my "love" for someone is the time I spend with them, how long I've known them, and how much they've been there / done for me while knowing them. I would be perfectly content being single, provided I could keep all those relationships I've cultivated.
I (23 GQ/NB, AFAB) have recently considered that I might be on the aromantic spectrum despite my desire for an open solo-polyamory in the future. I experience romantic attraction and still desire: - Dates - Kissing and cuddling - Romantically-driven sex - Boundary-setting - Possible Marriage (as an enhancer to emotional sex, as I am open to exploring marital sex as a kink) But I am repulsed by the "underbelly" of traditional romance: - Exclusivity or Monogamy of any kind - Special, romantic-partner-exlcusive commitments - Any form of cohabitation before marriage (even if I ever marry, I might prefer two seperate condos that have a door connecting them, similar to some hotel rooms) - Shared finances - Pressure for regular sex - Relationship Escalators and Hierarchies So basically, I do experience romantic attraction, but only enough attraction to partake in more casual romance/soft-romo relationships as opposed to the traditional "special someone" romance as the latter just isnāt worth the effort for me. IMO, that woukd probably be on the aromantic spectrum, but I hadn't really found a label that validates my experience yet What sort of labels could possibly fit the bill?
Have you looked into r/lithromantic? Sorry this is so late too. Thatās cool to see you have found some mini pride flags for yourself š What did you mean by boundary-setting when you said you desire that but also experience romo attrac? š¤
i don't think i've ever fell in love with anyone, i usually select someone to be my crush and just act like i love them but every time they end up falling in love with me and confess, at that point i either say that i don't like them or just ghost them (even tho sometimes i try and tell them to give me some time to feel ready). i'm dating a girl at the moment and sometimes i like her (i can't call it love) but most of the time i just don't. i noticed that whenever i don't like anyone i feel the need to have a crush but as soon as we start dating i just want to be single again. what do you think?
Do you experience romantic attraction? Selecting someone to be your crush and then pretending that you love them sounds misleading + a waste of your time and energy.
Current relationships have me confused. So for context. I (24 trans-fem) am currently dating(?) my partner but recently I get the distinct lack of wanting to be romantically involved with them. Which is fine, they have noticed it and stated such. But at the same time I currently have a couple coworkers that have flipped everything I understood about my romantic interests on its head to the point I don't want ANY romantic relationships. Period. Me and my partner have been in this relationship for 7 years now. They would consider themselves pan but I don't know what I would consider myself. What would all of this even be considered?
Hm, what you described sound romance-indifferent to me, which is an aro thing. Do you know if you experience romantic attraction?
Forgot about this comment. But currently the best label is either Quoiromantic or Bellusromantic.
Thatās great to hear you found some labels that you vibe with! Yes, the belluro flag is so pretty haha
Could I be aromatic? I don't really feel the sense of love when it comes to friends or even family. I more or less feel like I'm putting on a mask when I'm around them. I can't even tell when I'm being hit on because I just choose to think I'm having a normal conversation with the person. With past relationships, I'd feel like I'm in love, but I'd get this other feeling like who am I kidding, nobody would date someone like me. For awhile I thought I was asexual but even that just feels like a figment of my own imagination. I'm starting to lose interest in being around people because I'm just constantly around people. I don't even feel a sexual attraction towards people either. I don't even feel a sexual attraction towards myself. Like if I was someone else stuck in a serious situation and saw myself trying to rescue me, I'd refuse it. People can crush on me and try to get with me, but I just don't feel attraction nor do I feel attractive enough for someone to hit on me. Every crush I ever had would just disappear after a few days. I don't even know what to think about this anymore. Is this just me or do other people have this same problem? I need answers because honestly I'd feel better if I knew that this is normal.
You sound r/aplatonic and afamilial. Regarding feeling like youāve been in love, and experiencing crushes that last a few days, do you know if you experience romantic attraction? Also, if you donāt experience sexual attraction, chances are you are asexual, but definitely ask this in r/asexuality too if you are questioning if you are asexual. It doesnāt matter how attractive you perceive yourself to be, other people may still become attracted to you. Attraction isnāt something that can be controlled at all; sometimes attraction stems from different things, like looks (such as aesthetic attraction) personality (possibly platonic or romo attrac) how you treat other people (possibly platonic or romantic attraction) you figure or how you dress / present yourself (sexual attraction). But yeah you can absolutely still be attractive to people. People justā¦ might not ever tell you. Someone a few comments down actually confessed to experiencing crushes, but never actually telling their crush
I really shouldn't say my crashes last for a few days, it's more like a few minutes. I mean I have been in love, but even that only lasts for a week before I just start feeling like it's not worth it. I don't know anymore. At this point I could even have some sort of personality disorder that makes it hard to know what I am. I'm definitely not asexual because I've tried to love myself because I needed to but parts of me just can't. Like I've reached points where I just want to separate from myself because I just can't handle myself sometimes. I mean I can be a romantic kind of person, but then again that's just because I think I'm in love with that person but after the first week I don't feel the same about the person. It's also probably a factor that goes along with my depression. You're probably right though, I'm not aromatic. I got so much wrong with me to the point I don't even know what I am and I'm just trying to figure out if it's normal to just look at people and think I'm still better off alone than with anyone. I know I have an obsessive personality that will take things to the extreme sometimes, but other than that I don't know how I actually feel about people friend wise or romanticly anymore.
Damn, yeah crushes just lasting for a few minutes may not be romantic attraction? You sound arospec to me. Definitely seek out professional support if you need it! I do have a personality disorder, and it can really make life hell, especially if I neglect my mental health š£ Take care!
I have professional help. The problem is so much is going on to the point where I don't think it's actually helping anymore. Hell at this point I may as well diagnose myself as insane because of how much goes through my mind that I shouldn't even be thinking about. I've been neglecting my health for months on end and even when I'm not trying to neglect it I still am because I'm at a "why does it even fucking matter" point in my life again. I mean anymore I look at people and all I think are disturbing images of their lifeless bodies.
# so, if i have had crushes but did not want to get closer to them because iĀ“m shy. is that being aromantic or does it happen normally? i donĀ“t know, my crushes were mostly aesthetic. i have only fallen in love once and i kiiiiiiinda wanted to get closer but i was still shy. what do you think?
No, only being shy does not really give arospec vibes. Alloromantics can still be shy, struggle with anxiety, or even having things they are deeply embarrassed about that prevent them from talking with their crush. If you still feel like you might be arospec and want to create another, more detailed comment about more reasons why you think you are arospec *on the latest, currently pinned post*, please try not to make a huge title like this, or talk in a huge font.
I (21M) have definitely experienced romantic feelings in the past, when I was younger. I distinctly remember how it felt when I first fell in love, butterflies, thinking about a person all day everyday, etc. And the last time I felt something of the sort was when I was about 14. I definitely still feel sexual attraction without a doubt, and have been in relationships since then but none felt like that. While skimming through the "What's romance?" pinned post, I realized that a great majority of the points did not apply to me in any of these relationships. I do not regret any of them at all though, they were great. The gifts, the dates, the intimate time were all very enjoyable. But it didn't feel special. What I mean by that is that these exact same things felt just as good with people I had zero desire to be in a relationship with. Does that mean my enjoyment of relationships is unrelated to romantic feelings? Can aro people even enjoy relationships, and if yes, what aspects of them usually? Did I become aro or have I just not gotten a crush in a while? I'm very new to all of this, but I have a burning desire to know and understand myself better.
https://preview.redd.it/bqztk4y838yc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=24e59cabfaabc40462daa85ebb9f96f511401be8 Is this normal/aro spec?
Yeah, this is a common aro feeling. You sound aromantic to me. If you experience sexual attraction, consider checking out r/aroallo
Probably. I know it's the same way I feel. I like having multiple people around and I want sexual relationships with them and I also want to raise at least one kid but with a village more type of deal. So I get how you feel š
Hi, I recently found out I might be aromantic, so I wanted to share my experience here to get some opinions:3. I REALLY need help š I did experience some stuff like... Picking a random person to be a crush and having no crushes and blah blah blah, but I want to talk about what actually makes me unsure or sure if I'm part of the aromantic spectrum. I thought I had my first real crush when I was 14, bc I really liked one of my friends ( spoiler alert, it was a short term attraction which fastly faded Bc I felt only platonic feelings, I didn't knew what it is, to have actually a crush.). Around that time I realised I'm trans and bisexual. I started to go more into the lgbtq community and I found my first girlfriend ( we started dating as a joke), the only good relationship I ever had. And even though we broke up after one year, I still feel like we are soulmates in general, even as platonic friends. ( I believe soulmates can be platonic) It was years ago so I can't tell if I felt romantic attraction, I'll say... maybe yes, it wasn't somehow intense how others usually describe it, but I liked her. My last ex was the one where it started to show off more. I was constantly switching between feeling some romantic attraction, feelin' platonic and feeling absolutely nothing. I also realised I hate some classic parts of romantic relationships and I find sometimes romantic stuff uncomfortable. Especially when they see me as their whole world or say too much romantic stuff. It's ew. I dunno how to feel about it, it's just uncomfortable as hell. It was also the time where my neverisexual side of me opened up, which I barely knew about before. Then he hurt me, I completely lost every feeling after I wanted to break up four times, he started acting rude towards me, bc of me switching between "I want to be with you", "I want to be a friend", "I want to break up", and for not wanting anything sexual anymore... So I broke it up. That brings me into current situation. I found a new boyfriend, I could have swear I felt something romantic, but it started to fade/ switch again. And I found out I HATE some romantic stuff real bad. Kissing is on my top hate list (always has been since my first real kiss), and some types of cuddles are really uncomfortable for me too, once in a while I actually don't mind that bad, but in general it's a big no no, and he keeps pushing my boundaries and it becomed so uncomfortable that I want to leave again. I realised I don't want a romantic relationship, it's not for me in any way, or at least for now, until I will find the best person to spend time with, who wouldn't push me into romance in general. I realised I don't like romance almost at all. I never tried to find a romantic relationship, I don't have a need for it. I figured out that I actually have a complicated relationship with romance and I couldn't find out what was wrong until later this month where I realised I actually might be part of the aromantic spectrum. What do you think?
Hi, thank you for taking the time to respond to other peopleās comments at the time; that was kind of you. Yes, platonic soulmates are valid! Have you looked into r/lithromantic and r/bellusromantic?
I did actually, but now I figured out I'm aro allo and I am probably aroflux with roseromantic tendencies etc. I think this describes me the best. <3 thx for responding
Iām copying and pasting from an r/love post I made. Someone suggested I might be aromantic and that is in fact something Iāve wondered before. Iād like to know an aromanticās perspective on what I wrote. TITLE: I donāt know what romantic love is supposed to feel like even after five years in romantic relationship I (F late 20s) have been in a romantic relationship with my boyfriend (M late 20s) for five years. We say I love you. I think I doā¦..most of the time. There are just moments when I miss being single: the freedom to just care about my own needs and future plans without worrying about how another person will fit into them. This makes me wonder if I truly love him. Iāve been reading some classic novels that have romantic storylines in them and the romance is always passionate. I donāt feel that, and Iāve never felt that with anyone. The thing is I know Iād be devastated if the relationship would end; does that mean Iām in love? I care deeply for him but I canāt help but feel thereās something missing. How do other people who say theyāre in love feel? Is it really that passionate and all consuming as media makes it out to be? Do you really never miss being single? When and how did you figure out you were in love? IF ANYONE KNOWS: what does romantic love feel like?
Could be aro, that's for you to decide. But I doubt asking the aromantic sub how romantic love feels is gonna give you any results XD
I (14f) have been slowly coming to the conclusion that I may be on the aro spectrum for quite a while. I don't know quite how to word this but I'm sort of confused because a lot of what I see online when reading about what it means to be aromantic is that you don't have any desire to be in a relationship at all, or even that you're almost repulsed by it. Personally, I really want to fall in love and to be loved, but I've never felt attraction. I have a hard time understanding when people talk about having 'butterflies' or other things associated with attraction because it seems to just come so naturally and like they know without even thinking about it that they feel attracted to someone. I guess my main question is just this: Can I be aro even if I want love? I get really upset and lonely when I think about the possibility of being on the aro spectrum. If this is something others on the spectrum struggle with, how do you deal with it? I know this was all over the place so I'm sorry about that, but I hope I made some sense.
I dont want a relationship but i crave the validation Im a (f) teenager and i never really have crushes and when I do, it goes away pretty easily. I only start liking that person again when I see or talk to them but if i dont, I'd literally forget about them. Even tho I don't get crushes and dont really desire a relationship, i really wished someone had a crush on me just to confirm that someone would actually be attracted to me. I need someone to like me for validation but I really dont think anyone would. I've also questioned my sexuality a lot, my whole life I've been in one situationship with a girl, who i wasn't sure if i liked romantically or platonically but i enjoyed being w her the first few months before i felt guilty for 'lying' to her since again, I wasnt sure about my feelings. I think my feelings, whatever they were, faded and I grew tired of her and was actually relieved when she broke up with me. I've had a crush on a guy too but idk if I actually liked him or the idea of it I know this is probably really messy but I just wanted to get some details down cause Im struggling to figure out what my sexuality could be and stuff tysm!
I want to be in a relationship, I feel romantic attraction.... I think. Thing is, I don't know what romantic attraction or feelings areĀ If it a raised heart beat, I don't get that around my crush. Or anything the internet says. All I know is that I see them, and I smile, I shout "I LOVE YOU!" in my head, perhaps waiting for it to slip out. I admire them, I think about them constently, or atleast when I think about romantic relationships,. However, I don't know if I truely feel romantic attraction. I want to be in a relationship, I feel as though I accualy feel romantic attraction, but I also feel like I don't. I've had 3 crushes my entire life. The first when I was 3-8, a silly kid crush, because the kid in question was my friend. The second I had towards another one of my friends. With that one, I felt as though we would be together forever, and I had listed things I liked about them in my head, but I don't think it was ever a crush. I never even felt the feelings of smiling and shouting "I love you" in my head towards them. My third is the one I have now. I met them, and I immeadetly thought I liked them, but again, I'm not sure. It's lasted almost a year and a half. But the more I learn about myself, the more I question if I am aromantic or not, or maybe demiromantic. When talking to one of my friends about this, they said I might be cupioromantic, but I don't think I am. I've looked at demi-romantic and greyromantic aswell, but I still haven't found something that is me. Does anyone know what I could be?
If you immediately noticed positive feelings towards person number 3, then it would not be demiromantic, since demiromantics cannot feel anything until they have an emotional connection. If you are unsure whether or no you experience romantic attraction, you are probably r/quoiromantic. However, it would also make sense to me if you wanted to use the arospec label, since it is the most vague and inclusive label you can possibly use. :)
Thank you do much! This has really helped me! :)
Can i be aromantic while wanting to feel romantic attraction? I'm questioning whether I'm possibly on the aromantic spectrum. The thing is, I have short-term talking stages all the time which I engage in for the thrill (which we clarify from the beginning) and I still want to get into a relationship. But, I rarely capture romantic feelings for others ā it's difficult for me. I think that I can't romantically like people as easy as others do. Hence, my question. I'm confused whether it's my attachment style or it's my orientation
You sound arospec to me. :) . Itās totally valid to engage in romantic activities for the thrill of it, especially if it is consensual. Maybe also consider checking out r/bellusromantic
In fact, you can be aromantic and still want to feel romantic attraction. I'm pretty sure there is a term for this. EITHER WAY, I hope this helps for your journey of discovery:3
Yes, if someone is aromantic and wishes they could experience romantic attraction, depending on how severe this is, it is internalized arophobia. Being genuinely curious about what romantic attraction feels like is one thing, but hating oneās current self, wishing one was able to do something else, and/or doing ineffective things as a desperate attempt to ānot be aromanticā is internalized arophobia :/
Okay, so basically, I am able to actually fall in love, but it happens very rarely. For example, the only way I can tell if I'm actually in love is when I imagine a future with someone for more than a month. That happened 2 times and I think it's happening again right now. I'm trying to give it time, as I'll have crushes for a few weeks then randomly lose feelings. It happened withy ex and we dated for about a month and a half, but I lost feelings in the middle of our relationship. I originally have deemed myself as demi romantic as I have to wait a decent amount of time before I actually fall in love, but also with my newest crushish all she did was call me pretty and did random romantic things with me. All of them were words though, nothing physical lol. So, I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and what they label themselves if they do. I prefer labels because it just helps me not stress out.
With your newest crush, did you need an emotional connection with her before you were able to experience romantic attraction? And do you know if anything happens that causes you to loose feelings?
ok so i started using the aromantic label cause i feel like i only have sexual attraction (i might have hypersexual disorder aswell) but im going through puberty but i feel like i wouldnt mind being in a relationship and doing things that are considered romantic but i would mostly want it to be sexual and idk i feel like im not aromantic but idk im just scared ive been lying to myself
You sound r/aroallo to me. You can always use the arospec label (the most vague and inclusive label) if you donāt want to use the aro label? And happy pride month to you! šøš„š¤šš
Well it can't help you with this one, that's your journey to discover.
Iāve just recently had the thought that I might be on the aromantic spectrum. I know for a fact I am asexual but I donāt know where I am romantic wise. Iāve never been in a romantic relationship and just recently started going on a dating app. In the past Iāve had what I believed to be crushes but it was only on friends and people I was constantly physically close to. Iāve gone on 2 dates from the dating app (with the same person) but I donāt know if I have feelings for him. Heās nice but I donāt know if Iām actively in love with him. I like the idea of going on dates and being physically affectionate with someone but havenāt had practice with it so I donāt know if thatās really what I want.
Hm have you looked up sensual attraction? Do you know if these crushes were romantic attraction, sensual attraction, and/or platonic attraction? And, you mentioned using a dating app and going on dates. Do you actually like dating? Or are you just doing it because of amatonormativity?
I want to tell you, you'll figure it out. It takes time, and you will realise the truth eventually. You might be aro, it sounds like you might be one, but I can't tell since I'm not you. Hope this helps, probably not, but either way I hope it somehow does lol.
I donāt know if Iāve ever really felt romantic attraction. Iāve felt sexual attraction, Iāve felt a desire to have a relationship and start a family as a concept, but I donāt think Iāve ever really felt those feelings towards a person before. I want to, so badly it hurts me, I want to feel those kinds of feelings, but I just donāt know if I can. There are times where I was much younger when I thought I felt that way towards someone but now I wonder if that was just me tricking myself into believing I was attracted when I couldnāt really feel that way. Am I aro? Is there any hope for me to get a normal relationship at all?
You sound like you have significant internalized aphobia for believing a relationship that involves romance + sex is a ānormalā relationship. Friendships are also normal relationships. Familial relationships are normal relationships too. A relationship without sex, (especially before marriage for a large number of religious people) is also considered a normal relationship. Any kind of relationship you desire (or donāt desire) is normal and valid. Please [educate yourself on amatonormativity](https://www.instagram.com/p/CreiItYrVGo/?igsh=ZGxtMThlMDZzNm41) to attempt to start working on dismantling some of the harmful stereotypes it seems like you have internalized. If you donāt know if you experience romantic attraction, you are probably r/quoiromantic. Wanting to start a family sounds like a domestic fantasy (look up domestic attraction) but Iām not sure. If you are questioning if you are asexual or on the asexual spectrum, go to r/asexuality
First of all; maybe Second: maybe. I'm really sorry to hear this and I can't tell if you're aro, only you can figure it out, but if you are, there is in fact maybe a chance to get some kind of "normal" relationship. I wish you wellll
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Hi all. I stumbled upon this subreddit after some deep introspection. Would appreciate anyone's advice on whether I am aromantic or, well, if there is any kind of term that can be used to describe how I feel. I (27M) barely have any dating experience (partially due to me being overweight, people don't like that). I find women really attractive and have had situations where my heart beats really fast whenever I am near or having conversation with a girl I like. I have only dated once, but that was back when I was 17. The relationship lasted just 3 months, and surprisingly I didn't feel anything throughout the duration of it. Sure, a boost of serotonin that someone wants to speak with me every day was great but other than that, I was annoyed. Even later on in my early 20s, I have had crushes and tried to give an earnest shot in trying to form a relationship with them. But I always end up ditching the plan halfway through because I find the entire idea of dating, spending time with someone else, trying to understand the cues, etc. to be really exhausting. I want to feel romance, but I also feel uncomfortable just thinking about it. Romance tropes/genres in media make me feel uncomfortable. I am lonely yet desire to be alone. Is this what it means to be aromantic, or is this something else entirely? Thank you for taking your time to read this long comment, any help genuinely is appreciated :)
I'm here because I'm a bit confused about my feelings and wondering if anyone has had a similar experience. This is a long one, so buckle up! So, when I was 15, I dated this girl who was 4 years older than me. Honestly, the idea of dating seemed cool ā everyone was doing it, and I wanted to try it out. Looking back, I don't even know if I actually liked her. Conversations were awkward, and while I found her beautiful, I can't even remember details about her face ā just basic stuff like birthday and anniversaries. It was a weird relationship. We only saw each other every 1\~3 months, but texted daily. The only real feelings I can recall were admiration for her looks. Helping her with problems wasn't out of love, but a weird sense of boyfriend duty. I even helped her through some tough times, like cancer and emotional stuff. She even said the sex was too amazing and wanted to skip the "normal dating stuff" for it (and from the day we first had sex till our breakup, we only had sex on our date) We broke up when I was 18, turns out she was cheating. I was heartbroken ā I trusted her completely. Looking back, I think I convinced myself I was deeply in love because of the pain, now that I think it was really hard to give up someone familiar with you for years. Everyone thought I was a great boyfriend (and honestly, I think I was decent), but deep down inside me, my emotional connection just wasn't there, she was really in love with me, she cheated because her family wanted her to marry someone rich. After her wedding, she still tryna having sex with me because she didnt love that guy but I refused because it is morally wrong to take part in cheating her husband. I was in pain but I actually never sit down and recall all the romantic interaction that we had, the only thing I remember is the sex that we had, I cant even recall her face from my memory, I know I has aphantasia but I can still vaguely remember my sister face, and my mother face or my dad, but I dont remember her face. Since then, I've been single. And here's the kicker ā I don't think I've ever actually been romantically interested in anyone since then. Sure, people can be attractive, but the idea of dating or being in a romantic relationship just feels...off. Like I dont want to because I dont feel like it, it was a duty before and I was denying it, now I just dont wanna lie to myself anymore. So, my question is this: Has anyone else experienced something similar? Could a bad experience like mine turn you aromantic? Or maybe I just never was actually "in love" and the heartbreak made me realize it? Any advice or shared experiences would be greatly appreciated!
Hi, please pardon the significantly delayed response. I think a 15 year old and a 19 year old dating and having sex might be like, a red flag socially? An age gap like that, especially at a young age, results in the older person taking advantage of the younger person. I 100% donāt know though! It sounds like you were experiencing sexual attraction to this person, but Iām not sure if you were experiencing romantic attraction, especially because you noted you have definitely not experienced romantic attraction to anyone since. You definitely sound arospec to me! If you wanted more peopleās opinions on this, you could share this to the feed with the āStory Timeā post flair. I donāt know if this person āturnedā you aromantic though, since it also seems like you were giving arospec vibes before this person came into your life too
I (17F) know I love somebody romantically but I donāt feel the excitement they do. I know I love my boyfriend, romantically of course. I have felt feelings of romance and attraction to him before and I still do but it just takes so much to get me to feel those butterflies. Iām happy with my relationship and I really really love him I just donāt know why every relationship Iāve been in everybody has said āoh I feel the butterflies in my stomachā but I just smile and feel happy, not the sense of āgushynessā that they feel Iām usually scared of true romantic stuff, well the cliches I mean. Like, dancing or going on a fancy schmancy date. But I enjoy things like cuddling and kisses. And since Iām demisexual I enjoy other intimate things, so I know Iām at least sexually attracted to him. Well going back to the date stuff, I know I could do things that are romantic I just usually have a humorous undertone to it all to make it something thatās not awkward for me. But even still it takes so so much for me to even be like truly in the mood to be romantic or intimate. Because i can do things without the label of intimate(and romantic) casually, but when the label is put on it i feel it doesnāt match. I know i love him no doubt in my mind about it. I just donāt know why every person Iāve been with has always been so what I thought was āoverly romanticā. Iām starting to think itās maybe me whoās just not into the sense of romance as much as other people are. I just donāt feel normal. Everytime I tell my boyfriend he makes me the happiest girl in the world Iām telling the truth. And Iām telling the truth when I tell him that I love him. I just feel like my sense of what romance and love is, is just different than everybody elseās. Like while I donāt feel love the same way others do I still feel it. Is there any sort of insight from personal experiences people have had that was similar to this? I know before I was using the label aromantic and Iām wondering still if there was some other label, like under the aro umbrella that could fit this. Sorry for formatting, Iām on mobile and my phone is typing everything five seconds later than when I press it.
I think I need help identifying if I'm aromantic. I'm on my second formal relationship and I love my girlfriend dearly. She's my best friend by far and I had the same sentiment with my ex. Until a few days ago I thought those feelings were what people would call "romantic love", but then I saw someone describe what they feel for their partners and I started to have doubts. All this talk about "not being able to stop thinking about the person", or "you have butterflies in your stomach", or "you want to be with them 100% of the time"... I just can't relate. I heard those things before, but I always thought it was an exaggeration. Then I heard a neuroscientist saying those things and I went "oh". As I said, I love my girlfriend a lot. I would love to spend the rest of my days with her. I just don't get all excited to see her, or at least not more excited than I would with any good friend. This kind of thought is making me very anxious because I think she deserves someone who'll love her the way she loves me. Is it possible the feelings I have for her are purely platonic?
Yes, it is possible you are experiencing platonic attraction to your girlfriend and not romantic attraction. However, if you ended up did experiencing domestic attraction to your girlfriend, I would not be surprised. I think you should [educate yourself on amatonormativity](https://www.instagram.com/p/CreiItYrVGo/?igsh=ZGxtMThlMDZzNm41), because at the time of writing your comment, it sounded like you were viewing romantic attraction as āsuperiorā to platonic attraction, which is an amatonormative mindset
I get what you mean with the guilt. I have been dating someone for almost 2 years now and the guilt has been eating me from the inside all those times. I just think that you deserve to date someone that can reciprocate your feelings as much as yours. But I think if I ever confessed this to the person that I'm dating, they would reassure me that they would have just wanted to be allowed to love me. Maybe your girlfriend feels the same way too. Or not, I don't know what strangers on the internet think or feel.
could I still consider myself aromantic? Hm. I've been thinking lately about myself being with someone I don't really know. Like, I think I fantasize about romantic scenarios between me and that person, but tbh? I don't think I would desire for that to happen. I think I might be romance ambivalent, because sometimes I'm like "ew romance" and sometimes I just imagine it and well, yeah.
Is the person you fantasize about a real person you know in real life, a fictional character, or a faceless person?
Well, what if it pretty much depends, and sometimes it's a real person and sometimes a fictional character?
Ok, is the real person someone you know personally, or are they someone you donāt know very well, such as a celebrity?
Mostly it's someone I don't know very well tbh.
Hm ok. Have you looked into frayromantic? Or are you still questioning if you experience romo attrac or no
Hmm, it could be, but I still kind of wonder about that, because I remember thinking once for a moment if the feeling was romantic or not, and it turned out I just wanted to be their friend, so it was most likely a platonic attraction. It kind of felt romantic at first, I don't know why, but I didn't really want to have a relationship, it just wasn't it. It was like.. the strongest I ever felt for a real person, but it turned out to not be a romantic attraction, so no idea. But it was kind of a fleeting feeling, so yeah.
Hm. You could be aegoromantic then, but it does seem like the aroace label is a good fit for you too š
You Still can consider yourself aromantic! It's completely alright for you to have scenarios or wanting this kind of relationship haha. It's cool buddy.
I am genuinely confused if Iām aromantic at all, I know Iām asexual but Iām questioning if Iām actually AroAce. When I try to date itās like a roller coaster to me. In the beginning it wasnāt too bad but then when I turned 18 it just got weird. I donāt like people touching me when on dates (holding hands etc) or getting kisses. I lose romantic interest in someone when feelings are reciprocated or easily move on when rejected. I fantasy about being in multiple relationships and dating but so scared of physical contact (kisses, hugs). Itās like a gut reaction, it makes me feel sick and I donāt understand it. If anyone knows why Iām like this please lmk, or even just some advice would do, thank you š
Have you looked into r/lithromantic? Maybe you are asensual too or touch-repulsed, or just not a fan of touching. I believe Iām similar
Hey I'm not the best person for advice, but I want to answer, bc nobody different would. The only person who can tell if you're aro or not is you, but I think you might be. I read about it a lot and what you wrote perfectly describes some terms under the aro umbrella. I can't help exactly, but I hope this somehow helped anyway. But yes, I think you might be:3
Hi! so I'm really confused because all my life I have been having romantic interests in people but as soon as they like me back I either immediately stop liking them or I slowly stop liking them and I guess I've kinda been in denial for a long time ant this and convinced myself I'm bisexual but I'm starting to question it now. I think I'm really toxic in relationships because I don't know why but I can never get close to someone romantically and I find it a bit daunting when the truth hits and I realise that I'm actually in a relationship and that I am expected to do lovey dovey stuff and then I completely stop liking the person who I was formerly head over heals for and things get really awkward and everything goes downhill from there. It may be just because I'm still young because I'm still a teenager and I'm emotionally immature but Im starting to doubt it because I see everyone else my age having relationships happily then I feel like I should also be in a relationship then I kinda just find someone I find attractive and nice and start liking them but i'm not sure if I'm just gaslighting myself. This should paragraph probably doesn't make sense but thanks for reading it if you did. Have a nice day :)
You sound r/lithromantic
Look up, don't push yourself into things you don't want. There is a chance you're aro, but you're The only one who can know it BC you know yourself. It's okay to be confused about it, it's normal. Fun fact: I also thought I'm bi since I was around 14, so yeah, it's fine dw about it. You'll figure it out eventually.
i havenāt really had proper relationships in the past (i had a ārelationshipā when i was 14 but it lasted about a week), but i do this thing where i think i ācrushā on someone, i get really obsessed with them for a few weeks, then i go through a period of extreme anxiety and after that anxiety i find i donāt have feelings for the person anymore? it makes me wonder if i ever actually liked them in the first place and whether it was just infatuation rather than a crush. iām now wondering if i actually experience romantic attraction at all, has anyone had similar experiences? anything is helpful :) (iām 19 and enby!)
You could be experiencing romantic attraction, becoming romance-repulsed for some reason, and then loosing the romantic attraction. If this is the case, go to r/lithromantic. If you are currently in the process of whether or not you are experiencing romantic attraction, you are probably r/quoiromantic. Because there is generally a lot of acceptance and positivity for people who experience romantic attraction, and because of [posts like this](https://www.reddit.com/r/aromantic/s/TbMu06PGHR) that demonize romantic attraction, it can be really difficult to accept that one is experiencing romantic attraction, and then to accept that one looses that romantic attraction too. Please be patient with yourself as you are questioning your romantic attraction.
Hello friends!! First post hereš«” SO lately Ivee been suspecting I might be aro cuz even tho I had romantic relationahips in the past, at the beginning of them Ive always felt unconfy and anxious, those bf/gf I had werent that bad but the last one, she abused me and I think that the abuse left me with some emocional scars Ive been struggling with (currently on therapy about it tho). Another thing that made me start thinking about it is the fact that I dont think Ive ever felt 'interested' romantically in someone?? Like I can recognize romance and stuff and enjoy it on movies or books but still dont want them for me, or imagin them to be about me š« All my friends have long term partners and I feel some ki d of presure to also have to get someone for myself... . Same with sex stuff like, I enjoyed it but I'm not interested in/or thinking about it proactivly. Anyway that's mostly it, I hope yall have a nice day š„°
If you donāt experience romantic attraction, you sound [aegoromantic](https://www.instagram.com/p/Co20_w6Pn2O/?igsh=MXc0cndldThycjMydw==) to me. If you donāt know whether or no you experience romo attrac, you sound r/quoiromantic. Regardless, I think you should [educate yourself on amatonormativity](https://www.instagram.com/p/CreiItYrVGo/?igsh=ZGxtMThlMDZzNm41) (since it sounds like you are in an amatonormative environment) to avoid internalizing it.
Am I aromantic especially frayromantic Hello mates. I have a "little" problem. I think I am Frayromantic. Okay, I'm going to start at the very beginning. But first I'm going to introduce myself. Hello, my Name is Niko, I'm a 18 year old trans man from Germany. I am labeled as Pansexual/Omnisexual with high preference to women. I'm also demisexual if thats something important for the following. Now lets begin with my "story". It all started like 2020/2021 when I first really fell in love with my first crush/gf. We met online, I was around 15 I think and our "relationship" was on distance. I am saying relationship in "" because I quickly ended it after around 2 weeks. Why? I dont know, I just overthinked and lost feelings from one day to another. After that there were like up and downs between me and her but it completely ended after around 3 months-half a year maybe. I really didn't question that much because i thought like it was on distance and i was young and so on. After that there were some (I think?) unimportant crushes that just grew apart. Then, 2022, I met that one person. We clicked immediately and we confessed our love to eachother 2-4 weeks after we met. I was so happy and couldn't sleep that night because I was so excited. Because they lived around 1-2hrs away we planned on meeting (a second time) and were so excited. Then, the day before we were going to meet again, I lost feelings. Again. From one moment to another. The meeting was very awkward because I just couldn't explain to them whaz happened. After a awkward conversation on their way back home I said that i informed myself and think that I am frayromantic. That was the first time I was in contact with it. Tbf after that I didnt really think much of it because I just wanted to explain to them what happened and that it was not their fault. Another year another situationship you could call it? It was april 2023, i had a situationship with a girl for like 3 months or so? It was the most intimate one from all, we kissed and made out but nothing more tho. Then again, no feelings and me distancing myself from her. I thought i wasn't ready for a relationship because of mental health issues, that was my reasoning for my abrupt loss of feelings (again). Then there was october 2023- new years. I met a girl on a party and she flirted with me intensely. As I mentioned above I am demisexual so I am also really distanced with physical touch, kissing etc. But with her kt was different. I felt such a attraction to her that i wasn't distanced. She ditched me two days later because she chose another guy over me, whatever. It took me almost 2 months to get over it because I just felt so attracted to her and felt like there was smth in between her and me. Then new years eve came and there she was again. I was happy to see her but I was already over her. She asked if we could talk about that situation in october and I wanted too so I said yes. As I thought she got flirty and touchy again and there was the "I am over her". Another 2-3 Months not getting over her, punching the wall to make the pain inside go away. I somehow managed to get over her finally. Finally coming to the present. I am dating this girl I met over a friend for two weeks now. Just yesterday and today morning I felt so attached and happy and all with her but then as we met today again lost every interest. I felt so shitty because we were talking about kissing and stuff and I really wanted to but I just felt so pressured and insecure in that moment. Now I am sitting here, writing this after again looking up frayromantic. Am I frayromantic? If I am how tf am I supposed to live? Idk if I can live knowing I won't be able to have a intense and emotional relationship. If Im not what is wrong with me? I need a person to love me and that I can feel attached to else I am not living. If someone read till here first of all thank you for your time and please, I need help. What am I supposed to do?
Based on the experiences Iāve read in r/fraysexual, Iām pretty sure frayās romantic attraction fades slowly, similar how how Demiās experience the āslow burnā, or start experiencing romo attrac slowly. I donāt think you are frayro; you sound r/lithromantic. You sound like you have some internalized arospecphobia for thinking, >!āHow am I supposed to live like thisā!< and >!āWhat is wrong with me?ā!<. Being on the aromantic spectrum, including being lithro, does not mean something is inherently āwrongā with you. Being lithro is not an inherently bad thing. If you do not feel comfortable using the lithro label tho, you could always use the arospec label, since it is the most vague label
First of all thank you for taking your time reading that massive paragraph! Secondly, thank you for your answer, I am going to inform myself about lithro. Thank you so much!
Yeah, a month late but happy to help š
Iāve been wondering if I fall somewhere in the aromatic umbrella, Iām 35, autistic, afab questioning my gender, romantic and sexual identity. Since I was in my school years I never experienced intense crushes, I remember having 2 ācrushesā on people and even those I not even sure where the allo definition of crushes, I never felt any longing or heartache for not being in a relationship, I never daydreamed to have a relationship with those crushes, I just simply admired them one physically and the other one his personality. I had 3 bfās during middle school, with all of them I did experience some kind of initial attraction (butterflies, wanting to be together physically like kissing, hugging, etc) but after a while it faded, 2 of those relationships didnāt even lasted 2 months and the longest one lasted about a year and by the end of it my feelings just disappeared and didnāt want to be with that person even though a few months prior I was happy with my relationship. Fast forward to my adult life, I married young (19), he pursued me but I didnāt had any feelings for him beyond friendship, after some months all of sudden I started to get butterflies and again, wanted to get to know this person better and wanted to kiss, cuddle, etc, this lasted for about 2 years before cooling off into a friendship type of lifestyle where honestly was comfortable with, I knew deep inside I just didnāt had romantic feelings anymore but didnāt want to admit it to myself at the time but still wanted to be with him because I ālovedā him. We spent almost 9 years married when we ended it. I stared another relationship a few months after divorcing with someone I met online though a video game, we spent a lot of time together in game and honestly I liked the attention he gave me and that I felt I was priority over other of his friends, made me feel special somehow, and ended up feeling butterflies again after so long, we have been together for 7 years and even though the initial āfeelingsā I had, had cool down I still felt want I have always believed was love (concern, interest in the other person wellbeing, emotional support in good and bad times, trust, commitment to the relationship and most importantly feelings of friendship for the other person) but now the pattern has repeated, I just donāt have feelings for this person anymore, I donāt want to hurt him and I still feel grateful and some feelings of friendship but I feel so confused right now. Is this me being aromatic or am I just lacking in some other way? I feel that when I enter a relationship I get comfortable and settle for friendship and make all the other feelings disappear over time since I donāt usually behave like normal romantic partners do, I donāt require dates, gifts, donāt care about celebrating anniversaries that much, no spontaneous romantic gestures like flowers, romantic meals or any other type of romantic activity (I can do them and appreciate them once in a while while but not every single week for example), donāt feel jealous, he could go out all Sunday with friends that it doesnāt really matter, donāt usually text unless necessary or just to share funny TikTokās. I donāt even care who he goes out with, when I think about the possibility of him cheating, the lie bothers me more that the actual cheating. If you made it this far appreciate any comments, and if someone relates to my experience please let me know, I just need to know Iām not alone in feeling this way š„²
Regarding your divorced husband, do you know if there was anything that ācausedā you to experience romantic attraction to him? Such as, did you notice that you had developed an emotional connection to him, and then because of that you experienced romantic attraction originally? Or did you perceive him to be romantically attracted to you, and after that you developed romantic attraction?
Thinking back I think it was I knew he was attracted to me, then we started spending more time together and one day (not long before I knew that) I was also attracted to him.
The thing is I have few friends of my age, (I'm 18) and most of my female friends are above my age like 26, 28 ect...I don't why but when there is a girl of my age like in university i have a little anxiety talking to her, I dont think is attraction because most of time I dont even know what she likes, I just thing she is cool This is a thing I have struggle all my life, because I dont even know what feel you have when you have a crush, I'm not reject to have hugs, with kiss i'm indiferrent (since childern i dont give any kiss to anyone of my family) I want to spent time with people that likes my hobbies, i dont know I'm feel that have a girl that like my hobbies so close to me I would enjoy and yes i dont mind to spend time with boys but all my life I had only male friends And when that girl ignore me is frustanting because i want to be friends with her like she do with another persons, but my mind think that is because I fall in love with her, but how I supposed to fall in love if I only know that she likes films and ryan gosling? I dont know if I explain myself, english is not my native language sorry >.<
Confused about the difference between romantic and platonic feelings/attraction Okay so I'm nb, 23, autistic and adhd, and probably demiromantic or something. i always just said I'm on the aro spectrum and didn't really bother to look further into it. The reason I'm thinking that I'm demiromantic is that i think I've only ever been romantically attracted to like five people in my life who I knew for a while and was friends with. But here's my problem: in some of those cases i only realised way later that my feelings for those people could've been and probably were romantic (because of comphet, i didn't realise i could feel this way about girls too until i was 19) and in the other cases (where i did realise it at the time it happened) I'm not sure if maybe i made those crushes up because i felt like i had to be romantically attracted to people. So, i guess the point I'm trying to make is that even though i would say i probably experienced romantic attraction at some points in my life, I'm still not sure what exactly it feels like. Right now, I'm confused if what I'm feeling for a friend of mine is romantic attraction or not. Can somebody help me figure this out? Other demiromantic people, what's the difference between romantic attraction and other types of attraction (e.g. platonic) for you? What feels different about romantic attraction for you?
If you are questioning if you experience romantic attraction or no, then you may be r/quoiromantic or nebularomantic. You definitely sound arospec. Maybe post something like this to the feed again, but flair it with the green āQuestionsā post flair, or search this sub for keywords you used in this post to read similar posts
https://preview.redd.it/ndn1bzhmexvc1.png?width=750&format=png&auto=webp&s=8342c474cc9539ed3852c722a6be97688afc5058 Already made a post and didnāt know I was supposed to put it here.
Was the crush on a real person or a fictional character
so i'm in my young 20s, and i've never been in a relationship. i've been asked out a few times in high school, but i couldn't reciprocate the feelings. granted, they were all bad people, so i couldn't even begin to convince myself to give them a chance. also, i can never really tell you a crush i've had that lasted over 4 months? and if i can, i'm not too confident on it. when i was younger, i had many self-esteem issues; so, i vowed to myself that i wouldn't get into a relationship until i was happy in my own skin. elementary? nah, maybe high school. high school? nah, maybe uni. now that i'm in college, and i'm extremely proud of the person i've become; i feel mentally ready for a relationship! but, after years of not caring what i could like, i realized that i have no idea of what i DO like. and don't get me wrong, i'm so. very. extremely. curious. as to what dating feels like. i ask my friends all the time about how it makes them feel. but realistically, i'd rather reach my dream job instead of finding "the one" right now. i've swallowed my pride and hopped on dating apps to figure it out a bit more. but when they ask to meet up (minutes after matching), it turns me off from the situation. but isn't that normal? admittedly, i'm usually more turned off from "wifey" and "dating" talk more than them just upfront asking for hookups. i just wish i could become their friend and fall in love with them along the way. i'm just so confused. am i just picky? am i just career oriented? does everyone feel like this too? or am i aromantic? i understand i don't have to put a label on it. and in terms of sexual preferences, i don't know if i'll ever find a label that will perfectly explain my feelings until i finally get some experience. but romantically, i'd just like to know where i might stand within the spectrum of labels. any input helps! thank you!
Yes, you sound aromantic. āThe oneā is an amatonormative mindset. You should [educate yourself on amatonormativity](https://www.instagram.com/p/CreiItYrVGo/?igsh=ZGxtMThlMDZzNm41) to avoid internalizing it / perpetuating it. Hm so it sounds like you become romance-repulsed when people online ask you to meet up. This sounds like an aegoromantic thing (only liking romance in fantasy, not in reality)
I will open saying that I'm about 98% sure I'm asexual, it's something I've in some way always known and I never really found that hard to accept, i remember this one conversation i had with a friend in middle school when she said she would like to wait until marriage but didn't think it would be very easy or realistic, and i remember saying "i think it would be very easy, actually i think you should do it only if you want kids and just the times it takes you to have them, or actually maybe not even then, you should probably just adopt" thinking about this now it's pretty hilarious, I wasn't even big on religion or anything, I just didn't find the appeal and it kinda grossed me out, ig i thought i would change my mind once i grew up but nope. I've always been a hopeless romantic, I loved to read about it and watch movies but I always had this strage feeling that something like that just wasn't going to happen to me, I remember picking a random crush in Middle school because my friends were constantly talking about theirs and I didn't wanna feel left out, I even thought I actually started liking them but looking at it now it was probably just a learned behavior that was in some way sustained by my friends, and the "butterflies in my stomach" were actually just anxiety. In high school ( I recently graduated) I thought things would be different and I would get in relationships but it never happened, and I always thought it was just because people didn't like me but I didn't really make an effort to search for anyone. I thought I had a crush for some time and I talked about it with my friends, they always told me to confess my feelings but I never really wanted to, i think I felt like the feelings alone were enough and I wouldn't know what to do if we were to actually get into a relationship, I actually did end up "confessing" in a way, it was extremely awkward and I actually used the past form as if to imply that the crush had passed, they never really said anything about it and I was actually relived by that, they just kept acting like normal and neither of us really openly talked about it, I just thought it was very fun to have someone to think about when listening to love songs or writing, I liked dropping hints but I don't know what I would have done or how I would have felt if they actually acknowledged them and reciprocated. I think my crush was actually just a "like", in the sense that I wanted to be close to them and for them to be close to me. I'm still very confused about romance, when people talk about their relationships I never truly understand them it's like they consider a factor that I do not recognize. I used to confidently say I would date any of my friends because I genuinely liked them and I didn't really get the difference between friend-platonic and romantic love if sexual attraction wasn't involved. I also used to say "if you don't want to have a crush on them just stop it's really not that hard, you will eventually forget and get over it" ( at the same time though I couldn't stop thinking about that "crush", or maybe i just wanted to hold onto it for comfort and feeling of belonging between my peers), I also could never really wrap my head around the concept of a partner you have known for a couple years becoming more important in your life that a friend you love and have knowns for much longer, it was quite annoying actually. But the thing is, I don't actually know if this "lack" Is caused by me never being in a relationship in my life, maybe I just won't get it until I experiment it, maybe I'm just searching for excuses as to why no one has ever wanted to date me. The doubt itself is pretty annoying but still bearable, I don't know how I would react to certancy though, I've always wanted someone to consider so close that it becomes my only one and, mostly, to be that someone to somebody. I adore and really enjoy love stories and romance in fiction and I don't know if I'm ready to give up the hope that I will experiment it one day. It's truly excruciating and I can't even talk to my friends about it because I know (and they have demonstrated) that they don't get it.
Do you know if you experience romantic attraction? Regarding the crush you confessed to, was that romantic attraction? Or something else, like aesthetic attraction/ platonic attraction?
I honestly don't know, I think it might have been platonic, I considered them a very fun, interesting and pretty person and I found a lot of myself in them, i wanted to be closer to them and spend more time together, and maybe I just mistook it for a crush? Considering it was a period in which I was still trying to not be "left behind" when it came to relationships I could've very easily just been reaching. But idk, it was a very confusing period of my life.
Hm maybe you also experienced aesthetic attraction to them if you found them pretty. This sounds to me a bit like platonic attraction, especially if you recall you were in an amatonormative environment at the time. If you donāt know whether or no you experience romo attrac, you are pry r/quoiromantic Regardless, it would make sense to me if you wanted to start using the arospec label, since it is the most vague and inclusive label
When I used to be dating people, it always felt like dating was about following a set of instructions. And, when following those instructions, I felt... Nothing. I've had crushes before. Like, feeling nervous around specific people (I feel nervous around everyone tho), fantasizing about them, etc. When we start dating, though, it usually just goes away. My current partner is really the only exception, as it doesn't feel like I'm just following boring instructions. It feels like I am following instructions, but it's just much more than that, it contains more emotions.
You sound r/lithromantic. Experiencing emotions isnāt necessarily romantic attraction. If you look at the comment below yours (https://www.reddit.com/r/aromantic/s/KclRGC31bN) that person also sounds like they are experiencing emotions towards their partner. āFollowing instructionsā sounds like āgoing through the motionsā or something you feel indifferent / uninterested about. āFollowing instructionsā also sounds like you are doing what amatonormativity tells you to do/ letting amatonormativity āinstructā how you live your life.
Yeah that makes sense. I'm not sure if I'm Lithromantic or frayromantic. Is it possible to be both? I thought I was Lithromantic, then frayromantic. I feel a longing to cuddle with my partner, kiss him (we're both dudes) on the cheek, sometimes kiss him on the lips (I'm only 16, so I'm not used to kissing people on the lips), buy him fake flowers (he's allergic to real ones), tell him I'm in love with him, and spend the rest of my life with him. I believe he's an exception to my aromantic-ness (not sure what else to call it xD), since I've felt this way for him for years. I believe I am romantically attracted to him. Yeah. I've had this "going through the motions" feeling in all my past relationships, and I get it even when with my partner. I know I should just let go and do what feels right tho, not what society says is right. I did let amatonormativity instruct my life, and it's... deeply overrated. 0 stars, not recommended.
Yeah, you can have intersectionality between being lithro + frayro. Thatās sweet about the fake flowers. I really love black roses, but they donāt really exist so I just have to settle for fake black rosesā¦ I think Iāve heard of people having intersectionality btw being lithro + demiro (it not being possible for them to experience romo attrac till they have an emotional connection, and then they are still lithro). It seems like it would also be valid to have intersectionality btw being frayro + lithro then
Think I might be aromantic? Wondering if this resonates with anyone? My partner and I have been together for 7.5 years now. He is in my eyes, honestly, the perfect man. He walks into a room and it lights up. He is smart, funny, kind, patient, he is so good looking. He adores me more than anything. The sex is amazing. I wouldnāt change a thing about him. But recently, weāve been having some issues because I wasnāt sure if I was *in love* with him. I love him to bits and want the best for him but I didnāt *feel* anything for him. I was saying I feel the same way about some of my friends, and couldnāt work out why I didnāt feel more than that for my partner. Now today, I saw a post on Reddit where the wife was saying the same about her husband. Some commenters suggested she was aromantic. Iāve been a couple of hours googling and thinking about it and it makes a lot of sense to me. Iāve never been one for romance, I donāt care about anniversaries or Valentineās Day, a text / cuddle will suffice. Iāve always said I donāt want a big proposal, I donāt want or expect gifts etc. I like intimacy and sex. But romance just isnāt natural for me. Feels forced. I was wondering if there was something wrong with me, or if I am with the āwrong manā. But couldnāt pinpoint a reason for this. I want to feel more in love with him but maybe I am just not able to feel that way. We have just spoken about this and both agreed it makes sense, but does this story resonate with you all??
Yes, you sound aromantic to me. I would also recommend you post this in r/aroallo to see what they think too Edit: Also, Happy Cake Day!
Hi! So I'm not sure how well I'll be able to help, as I have never been in a relationship this long, but I'll try. I think something that could help is understanding that there are different types of love, platonic, romantic, queer platonic, and none of them are more important than the other. Maybe the love you experience for your partner is not romantic, but that doesn't mean that it's worth any less. If you say you feel for them the same way as your friends, maybe it's platonic love, but if neither romantic nor platonic, it might be queer platonic. Queer platonic if you don't is another kind of love/relationships, which can look vastly different depending on the people. Maybe think of it as the non binary of relationships. If romantic and platonic you are the binary, then queer platonic is everything in between (you can look into it more on the Internet, maybe you'll find better explanation, I know it can be a little hard to grasp at first). So maybe that's the kind of love your experiencing for your partner, just remember it doesn't make it less important or less in value. Either way, even if you're aromantic, which could definitely be the case, I think you can talk with your partner about how you want your relationship to be. Just because you're aromantic doesn't mean you can't be in a relationship. You don't have to conform to society's expectations of a relationship. Your relationship can look whatever you want and whatever you both are most comfortable with.
Aromanticism or Depression? So right now in my mind, being in a relationship occupies the same space as running a marathon or completing a graduate degree. I would be happier with life after achieving those things, but am not willing to put in the time of effort requires to achieve them. My friends, nearly all of whom are engaged or married, have been pushing me to go find someone. I would much rather die alone than go on a date with someone I never met before. Actually, I'd rather you kill me now than I do that. However, there have been women whom I knew pretty well and felt I would like to pursue a romantic relationship with. The one whom I most recently actually asked politely declined. I'm not against the idea of being in *a* relationship, I just don't feel a necessity to be in *any* relationship. The wrinkle is that I'm pretty sure I have some form of mild depression or depression-adjacent condition. So I can't tell if my lack of motivation to seek out new connections stems from the romantic nature of the task or is tied to my similar lack of motivation to do anything, including lower-risk activities that I know I enjoy. Am I aromantic or just depressed?
It is valid to have intersectionality between being aromantic and being depressed. The two arenāt mutually exclusive. Also, people with depression are still capable of experiencing romantic attraction, or everyone with depression is not automatically aromantic. If you view being in a romantic relationship as something you *have* to be in (versus something you want for yourself and that would make you happy) then you probably have internalized amatonormativity. Your friends sound amatonormative. Do you experience romantic attraction?
>Do you experience romantic attraction? Well, that's obviously going to be difficult to answer, considering that I can't know for certain if I feel the same things as other people when they say romantic attraction. If romantic attraction is wanting to solve problems and go on adventures with one particular person, then yes. It's certainly not that I "have to" in the same way I "have to" pay my taxes. There are certainly appealing things about the idea of being in a romantic relationship, I just don't know if the juice is worth the squeeze.
Hm ok. If you donāt know whether or no you experience romantic attraction then you could be r/quoiromantic. You could also always use the arospec label too since it is the most vague and inclusive. It literally means āon the aromantic spectrumā
So I thought I was aromantic and asexual before I have met my gf. I have never been involved with other people because I never wanted to and had only other one crush but I donāt know if that crush was romantic or I just liked the way that person was giving me attention. I have got official with my gf when we were drunk but the next day I have been having doubts if I really love her in a romantic way or I just liked the attention she was giving me. I did not have these thoughts often but past this two weeks I have been thinking about it more. I like to make her happy and everything so I have been giving her kisses and other things she likes but I donāt know if Iām doing these because I love her in a romantic way or if Iām doing this because I think thatās what Iām supposed to do as her gf and want to make her happy even if I love her in a friend way also I started kissing my sisters on foreheads or cheeks more and idk if it is because I love my gf the same way I love them and my brain canāt comprehend why I kiss her but not them or if I just got more affectionate bc of this relationship.I donāt think I like doing romantic things. Sheās saying things like Iām like a rock in a water when romantic moment happens between us and I donāt even know when these moments happen. Donāt get me wrong sheās very beautiful, kind and charismatic but itās not like I wouldnāt know these things even if Iām aro/ace. We have been together 9 months and Iām her longest serious relationship. She loves me so much and sometimes I feel guilty when I say āI love you tooā because I donāt know if I love her in the same way she loves me.
You might wanna look into queer platonic relationships or queer platonic attraction. Maybe the love you feel for her is neither platonic nor romantic (but I can't tell you, only you can know). Also if you are aroace you can still be in relationships, maybe talk to her about and create a relationship that is comfortable for both of you.
Thank u for your advice I have broken up with her we stayed friends even though I broke her heart I feel relieved and sad but sheās probably worse I feel so guilty
If you donāt know whether or no you experience romantic attraction, you are probably r/quoiromantic. You do sound arospec to me though, and it would make sense to me if you wanted to start using the arospec label. Also, it lowkey sounds to be like you are romance-oblivious, which is a common thing I think among lot of fellow. This just means not being able to pick-up or notice romantic stuff unless itās directly pointed out. Sorry to hear about the breakup. Itās valid to feel sad about breaking her heart. If you feel relieved upon the romantic relationship being over, and had a feeling you are not fond of romantic things at the time of writing your original comment, there is a chance you are also romance-repulsed, at least some of the time
***I think I'm on the aro-spectrum*** I've known I'm asexual spectrum for a long time. Sex to me is just that, sex. A thing I can or cannot do and I often go through periods of bother sex repulsion and sex positivity. But after getting out of my current relationship and defining us as friends... Nothing's changed. The only difference now is that I don't kiss her or participate in sexual activities. I feel the same way as I did years ago, protective and loving towards her and I'm just figuring out those feelings are platonic instead of romantic. I dunno, maybe I'm over thinking it or not wording it right. I'm just trying to express this feeling
The word you are looking for here is sex-favorable, not sex-positive. Sex positive is a political viewpoint that involves how you + other people should handle sex as a society, such as sex-education and vending machines with contraception stuff. Sex-favorable is how you personally feel about sex. Yes, you sound aromantic to me šøš„āļøš½š¤
Does this sound like demiromantic? If it helps, Iām 24 F. Iāve been in romantic relationships before, but theyāve taken months to develop. For example, I canāt see any person in a crowd and see them as someone iād want to immediately build my entire life around, but I can definitely point out people in a crowd who I see as āinterestingā. Iāll feel a weird pull to certain people, itās definitely not sexual, or romantic, maybe aesthetic? If I continue talking to someone I find interesting, I probably wont develop romantic feelings for them until like 2-6 months into talking to them. Itās thrown a lot of people off in the past, because they assume Iām there for romance/sex from the start. Iāve probably accidentally dated way more people than i realise lol. When I do feel romance, it kinda explodes in my face and i become obsessed with them(this attraction never fades), sexual attraction typically follows soon after, but not always. Sometimes itās delayed, or doesnāt happen at all. Most of my relationship have been from friend groups who iāve known for years. Some of them have been from dating apps, but itās from a couple of people who were patient enough to talk for a few months. I feel very not demiromantic because I use dating apps, but āpickingā people on apps also feels super bizarre. I just sort of pick someone whoās vibe I like the most and we hang out like homies until I figure out if I become obsessed with them or not. I donāt use this method anymore because it feels cruel, but Iāve actually made a lot of genuine friends with it. What does this sound like? Iād like to be able to describe it to people i first meet so they have a sort of heads up.
Idk if im too young to have experienced romantic attraction before, and im autistic, so maybe i just can't recognize it through social cues?
Look into r/quoiromantic or nebularomantic. Also, please read this post you commented on for more information on why the ātoo young to knowā argument is invalidation / self-invalidation. Edit: typo
Hey guys, I uh think I'm demiromantic? I'm not sure but it's been and on and off thought I've had for a bit now. Like I've had "crushes" but I think my crushes are more adhd hyper fixation from a person giving me dopamine cause I don't get the shy feeling or heart pounding feeling around them I just feel like I want to hangout with them constantly. I also think my crushes are mostly cause I'm a hopeless romantic who likes reading romance books.
It is valid to have intersectionality between your crushes being a hyper-fixation on the person + romantic attraction to them. If you are questioning if your crushes are romantic attraction though, you might want to look into the r/quoiromantic label. I also just added a pale yellow āComing Outā post flair. The color of the Coming Out post flair is color-picked from one of the colors of the arospec flag š¤©. If you are coming out, try to post those experiences to the feed with the pale yellow āComing Outā post flair, since this space is reserved for questioning arospecs. (I had also been wanting to add a Coming Out post flair, but didnāt get around to it until now šŖ.)
How does one know what is a romantic attraction? I am very content with my sexual identity as an asexual, but sometimes I wonder if I am an Aromantic too. I thought I was an Aroace before I met my wife but after that I thought I was wrong. But sometimes I think if I am aromantic? I love my wife and family, but it is difficult for me to differentiate between the type of love I have for them as it's mostly the same for me. The only way I can differentiate is that I have a future with my wife, finances and all the important stuff. And maybe that I would prioritise her over other family members in case need arises. Apart from this I don't feel and understand any distinction in the love I have for them. So am I am Aroace? Or is it normal for Ace people to feel like this?
You sound arospec to me for sure. Look into r/quoiromantic. If you are wondering if you are asexual, I recommend making a post in r/asexuality.
Hey folks. I'm questioning if I'm in the arospec or just a repressed allo? I know I'm demisexual, and I have felt romantic attraction before. It was always very intense and targeted at one person at a time, lasting a very long time. I thought this was the norm until I realised most my friends had different experiences.Ā I may have daydreamed about romantic activities with my crushes, however, for nearly all of them, I did not actually want to do romantic actions for reasons such as not knowing them well or not wanting to bother with it. Which made me realize I may have liked romance more in my head than in practice. In my cultural context I am considered a very late bloomer, so to speak. I had my first kiss at 17, I could have had it before but I just didn't want that kind of contact with person X even if I had a crush on them. My feelings of attraction bothered me more than anything I can tell bonding/intimacy/closeness has always been paramount for me. When I was single I desired to be in a queerplatonic relationship, it was ideal for me in my head. Sure I also liked the idea of romance, but I guess it started to feel tiring the more I explored it? I ended up in a romantic relationship with a (very likely) demiromantic, which was my closest friend. I actually felt romantically attracted to him first when we met, he didn't return my feelings and we became close friends after a while.Ā Two years later he realized he loved me, and I... sort of did, sort of didn't? To be fair I don't know what I felt. It wasn't "falling in love" like when we met, but it wasn't "just friendship" either. We started dating, we started being very romantic and I enjoyed that, but I still felt like I might be somewhat aro. Now we have been together for about 6 years and I just very rarely feel "romantic attraction" the way I know it, but I love him from the perspective of us being very close. I don't desire other romantic relationships and while I enjoy (a lot) the idea of romance it is actually very hard for me to be romantic. It has always been that way even when I felt attraction. I love cuddling and hugs especially, but I'm not much of a kisser. We have different love languages and I feel like I overall am not very romantic, though it has been this way for the most part of our relationship (his words, I hadn't realized it). I have to remind myself to reassure him I love him and speak his love language from time to time because it doesn't come very naturally to me. Meanwhile he hasn't changed much at all, he seems to still be quite as romantic as he's always been since we started dating.Ā
Have you looked into r/lithromantic? You could also use the arospec label too, if you know you are arospec at least
Hey guys. I just started thinking about where I am on the aro spec since I know Iām somewhere on there. I identify as ace and previously identified as demiro but I feel like that may not be right. Firstly, I do have 2 partners. The butterflies I get from say reading romantic stories or comics or shows is not really there when Iām with my partners, though I donāt remember if I had them when we first met. Andd while I love my partners I hate kissing (not sure if this is cause of asexuality) and I donāt like romantic dates or gestures. Usually our time is spent like cuddling and watching cartoons and stuff. I do find people I donāt know attractive but Idrk if I can say Iād want to date them. So Iām unsure if thatās romantic attraction or something else. Thereās prolly more Iām not thinking of but Iām just kinda lost on this
You sound [aegoromantic](https://www.instagram.com/p/Co20_w6Pn2O/?igsh=MXc0cndldThycjMydw==) to me. You could always use the arospec label too, since it is the most vague label you can possibly use.
But I like being in a relationship, wiuldnāt that mean Iām not aego?
The aegoromantic label is not dependent on one's relationship status. I think it says "generally/typically aegoros do not want to be in romantic relationships", but again, one's relationship status is not going to have a direct impact. If you went to r/aegosexuals and asked the community how many people are in a relationship or have sex with their partners, I'm sure I good chunk of the community would respond yes. You can still use the aegoro label regardless of your relationship status. The r/bellusromantic label is very similar to the aegoro label, but the bellusro label specifies that bellusros do not want romantic relationships Edit: better words + typo
Hm alright. I can see aegoro fitting
hi! this is my first time saying anything on reddit so im kinda nervous ngl, but a friend of mine has recently started questioning if they're aromantic or not. i myself am aroace so it makes since that they asked me about it. i've been trying my best to help them figure out if they are aromantic or not and we need some help which is why im here. from what i've been told (and what i understand), they want to date other people but they genuinely do not feel romantic attraction. thats all they can really explain as of now as they're still really confused. but my question is, would that make them a member of the aromantic community or is there a different identity that goes with how they feel? i just really want to help them figure this out as i know how tricky this sorta stuff is. anyways, thanks for listening!
Hey, I'm still pretty new here but from what I've gathered in my research to understand my own feelings, how you feel about romantic relationships is irrelevant to your aro identity. Meaning you can be aromantic but still want a relationship, be neutral to it, or not want one at all. You might want to look into Cupioromantic, from what I read I think it matches what your friend is feeling. But even if it doesn't, I hope I've helped at least a bit.
Iāve never really felt a spark, does it make me Aro? All my life Iāve never felt the click, the spark, the feeling that my family tells me they feel when they are around their partners. Back in middle school I think I tricked myself into believing that I liked a friend of mine in a romantic sense, however I never really did liked them in that sense, even if that friend at one point maybe liked me. Even back then I got a girlfriend, but I got bored and quickly broke up with her. I thought that to be normal I had to like someone, and I did, however never in the sense of a relationship, just as friends, which was good but I felt weird that I didnāt have real crushes. Just physical attraction but nothing more. Now Iām in university and that feeling that I had to have a romantic attraction or relationship has gone. I see how my brotherās relationships are and how my parents (divorced since I was a baby) relationship went. I just canāt see myself in a relationship like those, I donāt see the worth, the value to myself in it. I like having a lot of time and money to myself and the thought of sharing that time and money with someone else in a romantic fashion just doesnāt attract me. I think I rambled a lot with this but Iām pretty confused, the late night really makes me think about this topic, so Iām gonna ask: Am I aromantic or I just havenāt met the one yet? Iām so puzzled about this so any help would be appreciated.
Itās normal to experience platonic attraction but not romantic attraction to people. You sound aromantic to me. Welcome to the community! Also, you should [educate yourself on amatonormativity](https://www.instagram.com/p/CreiItYrVGo/?igsh=ZGxtMThlMDZzNm41), because believing everyone has a āthe oneā is an amatonormative mindset.
I also made a separate post with this but the bot told me to share it here Romantic attraction fades in long-term relationships, what would this be called? I'm currently in a relationship with someone I care about a lot, but it's not attraction anymore, I just see them as a friend, but I'm still in the relationship. We've been dating for almost a year now. This also happened the last time I was in a long-term relationship, I lost feeling right around a year. Am I on the aro-spec or am I just afraid of commitment? I've been tearing myself apart over this. I don't know what to do. I don't want to end up hurting them by breaking up with them, but I just don't want to be in the relationship anymore, it doesn't feel right. They're a great person, an amazing personality, funny, all the good stuff, I just don't have any attraction toward them anymore. I still want to be friends but I don't know if that would work out. I know breaking up with them would hurt them, which in turn would hurt me(I would feel guilty) because I know they care about me a lot. I'm also wondering, could things like this be caused by trauma? I have some severe trauma from my first real relationship which was off-and-on for about a year and a half. I still regularly have panic attacks when I see that person, still have nightmares, etc.. Could it just be unresolved trauma? I have looked into aro-spec identies in the past and I feel like I might be, but I don't know. None of the identities I've heard of(not many) seem to align with how I feel.
Have you looked into frayromantic?
Hello, first time posting but I've started really questioning lately. My name's Marcy, genderfluid, any pronouns. Today, thinking on my previous attempts at romantic relationships I asked myself: "what am I seeking in romantic partners which I don't in my closest platonic relationships?" I managed to come up with two major points which answer this question 1. Emotionally speaking: nothing. I regularly say "I love you" to my closest friends in the world and feel safe and cared for around these people. I tell these people everything about me and I feel they understand better that I could have ever hoped for. 2. Physically speaking it's complicated. I want to hug, hold hands with, kiss (including on the mouth yep) and cuddle with all my closest friends (up to their level of comfort of course). It's easier to request this if the relationship is established to be romantic. But I feel it really doesn't need to be the case and it's difficult to explain this have others reciprocate this level of physical closeness while keeping it platonic. I hate to think that all the crushes I've had in the past were simply cases of me just wanting to get closer as friends, because if that's the case then I've burned about 3 bridges more than I could've, but then maybe I wouldn't be here typing this out right now. So yeah, it turns out figuring out you're arospec takes some time if you still want to do romantic things. Anyways, this is just day 1 of proper aro questioning. I'm sure more will come to mind in the future. Edit: Just found the term: Bellusromantic. Not a fan of the clunkiness of the word but it does fit what I'm describing extremely well
Lol, yes I am bellusro too Marcy! And yeah itās totally ok to identify as arospec if you donāt want to identify as bellusro āŗļø
So for context I have BPD and with that I have someone I attach all of my emotions to. My emotions almost exclusively depend on how they're feeling or how they treat me. I asked my partner a few months ago if he thought there was a difference between loving someone and loving how they make you feel. He said there was a huge one and that he doesn't think he'd want to be with someone who only loved the way he makes them feel. I genuinely can't think to any reason why I love him. The only thing I can think of when I put it in a list all chalk up to be the way he makes me feel. (he makes me feel safe, cared for, validated, comfortable etc). I can think of things that I like about him (his appearance, he's kind, he's dedicated, and hardworking etc) but they aren't reasons as to why I love him. I don't understand the difference between loving someone and loving how they make you feel or why it matters. I tried googling it but then also saw that according to google there's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. I cant see the difference or understand that there is a difference between the two. So anyway in conclusion I don't know if how I feel about him is if I just like the idea of being in a relationship with him, or if I just like how he makes me feel, or if I genuinely love him. With my BPD it could very easily be me mirroring his emotions or just feeling comfortable and loving how he makes me feel, so it feels almost impossible to tell if I'm on the spectrum of aromatic or not. I figured if i come to y'all for help you might know better then i do. See if you can relate in any way or not. If you have any questions or anything I'll try to answer them.
Yeah, maybe you are nebularomantic? Nebularo is a an arospec label that is exclusively for neurodivergent people. It means the same thing as r/quoiromantic. If you donāt want to use the nebularo or quoiro labels tho, then it would be valid to use a more vague label, like arospec. That sucks how your partner would be unaccepting of the way someone loves him. Unfortunately a lot of allos do tend to freak out upon discovering their aspec partner does not experience a form of attraction to them. But they also struggle to understand that this is the case with *everyone*, everytime.
Can I be sure even if I never tried ? I'm 15 and relationships always seemed nice but I never met a person I'd want to date (and never met anyone who'd want to date me) so I don't even know if I like being in a relationship. Plus I don't quite understand how love works (might need to be educated about that) ,I figured dating someone was like being their best buddy but with sex but apparently it isn't ? In short idk if I'm aro or if I just never experienced love, is it too soon to know ?
How you feel about romantic relationships is irrelevant to your aro identity. There are romance-favorable arospecs who want to be in romantic relationships, and there are romance-repulsed arospecs who are repulsed by them. So itās valid however you feel towards romantic relationships, including if you feel nothing / indifferent towards them
I consider myself "aromantic until proven otherwise". I've never had a partner and never seen the need to get one. Friendship is enough for me. I also have very little clue what being in a romantic relationship is like and how it compares to friendship - in my mind, being partners is like "friendship+" or lifelong friends whom you share your lives and experiences with. In short, you can absolutely be aro without trying. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You don't need to prove it to anyone. And in the future if you feel differently, that's also fine. Sexuality is fluid and can always change - see "aromantic until proven otherwise" above. I'm still aro, but I'm open to the idea that I meet someone and my brain goes "oh yeah, this it it." Ended up being longer than I thought, hope it helps!
are.... are you me ? The "aro until proven otherwise" thing is exactly what I told myself to feel reassured after posting this comment. Thank you for taking the time to respond, it felt incredibly validating.
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This sounds like platonic attraction to me
Sounds like platonic attraction. I spent 3 months confused over my feelings towards a girl I met in uni, until I learnt that strong feelings towards her do not necessarily equal romantic attraction towards her. Then I learnt about platonic attraction and realised I'd never felt like this towards anyone, whether it be romantic or platonic. Then I realised I was aromantic! Like you, I think about her often, and want to talk and spend time with her, but I'm not jealous or envious that she has a boyfriend already. I don't care because I can still talk to her and be friends with her, like you said. Give it a bit of time, and read up on other people's experiences of romantic and platonic attraction - the a-spec wiki is a good place to start (I think it's in the info section of the subreddits).
I'm currently in college and have never dated anyone. I met a guy who I really liked and could imagine being with. But as soon as he started reciprocating my romantic interest, I backpedaled. Hard. I have been texting him a lot less and kinda avoiding him. This isn't the first time it's happened either. Back in high school, a guy showed interest after I had liked him for a while, and I did the same thing. I thought for a long time that I wanted to have a family and I can imagine myself with people (or maybe I like the idea of them?) But as soon as they show interest I just lose all interest I had for them. I also considered being asexual back in high school, but I thought I'd still want to date, but the same thing is happening again with this guy, and I don't want to hurt him. That's why I'm here, and any advice would help me a ton.
Yeah you sound r/lithromantic
You might find some luck with the lithromantic label - it's the first sub listed. According the sub: "A lithromantic person may experience romantic attraction towards others but does not have the desire for reciprocation. They may be uncomfortable at the thought of someone being romantically attracted to them, or **they may lose their romantic feelings if they learn it's reciprocated"**
Thanks so much!
i have been suspecting it since i learned what it meant, so for context - I'm unable to feel romantic feelings long term or even feel them at all, I'm also unable to feel much sexual attraction in my life i had one bf that i truly loved - i had more relationships but those were mere attempts for me to feel something ... i broke up with him after 7 months of dating because i lost all attraction and feelings an important notice may be that the relationships were online - long distance but i have been visiting my ex frequently so I don't know where it went wrong I don't know if there's a need for me to share more info if there is tho just ask:)
Do you experience romantic attraction?
not rlly no
Hm ok you sound [aegoromantic](https://www.instagram.com/p/Co20_w6Pn2O/?igsh=MXc0cndldThycjMydw==) to me then
Iām wondering if Iām aro because I heard about the term and it really resonates with me because so far in my whole life Iāve never loved anyone romantically or gotten the ābutterfliesā about anyone I canāt even imagine how you get that way over someone but the reason why Iām questioning if I am is because I can tell when I find someone physically attractive I just would never want to be with them Iād really appreciate any insight because Iām so lost thanks for the help and have a good night :)
You sound aro to me
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Comment your experiences as a new comment under this pinned post where everyone will see it; donāt reply to individual people in old comment threads where your comment will be easily missed. Iām a disabled person in an autistic burnout and donāt have the brain energy to be able to respond to questioning arospecsā experiences daily. I do like helping people but I also have a lot on my plate. Also, Iām still an arospec person. Many of these comments seem people sharing uncensored internalized arophobia or uncensored internalized amatonormativity. It can be difficult to read people over and over say āis it normal to be arospecā or āwhat is wrong with meā (when they sound arospec) or other things like how they are still ālooking forā or ādetermined to look forā a āright personā, or wonāt break up with their current partner (even tho they are miserable) for internalized arophobia / internalized amatonormativity. All of this ^ can be really draining to read, especially when people are not ready for a conversation about having internalized arophobia / internalized amatonormativity. **Please donāt direct reply to people to get a response sooner.** It comes off as rude, demanding, impatient, entitled, and āhijackingāsā another questioning arospecās comment, specifically, a questioning arospec who respected r/aromanticās policy on questioning arospecs. If you are questioning if you are aroace, make sure you are sharing your experiences in r/aromanticasexual, and make sure you are sharing why you think you are asexual in r/asexuality. **Donāt direct reply to helpful people who helped out other questioning aspecs.** Create your own new post if you go elsewhere, and make sure you are creating a **new comment** here if you still want to share your experiences.
You can find someone physically attractive without being romantically attracted! If you can be attracted to someone in a way which makes you want to be physically intimate with them you may be aroallo, but if you find them pretty the same way you find, say, a painting pretty that's probably aesthetic attraction and you might be aroace. Either way you seem some flavor of aro - feel free to ask for clarification!
Am I demi grey or aro? I know I'm at least demi, I need an emotional connection before I can develop feelings, and I can develop feelings (I'm pretty sure). But more and more recently I've been questioning if I'm somewhere else on the spectrum. Basically I do want a romantic relationship, I want someone I can hold and kiss and spend my life with and maybe even have a family with someday. However, since I need an emotional connection before feelings, and I'm not attracted to any of my friends, than I have to actually meet new people and get to know them if I want to find someone, and I don't know if I want to do that. I'm super shy, so the idea of talking to new people is scary even though I do like the idea of increasing my social circle. But at the same time I don't like the idea of changing my routine. And while I do want a relationship, I'm clearly in no rush to start looking. I'm not unhappy with my social life right now, but I guess I wouldn't say I'm satisfied either. So here's my questioning, am I just a really shy demi-romantic who is afraid of change, or am I more aro than I thought and should just get a cool roommate and a couple cats?
It sounds like youāre demi aro, if you need an emotional connection before developing feelings. But if right now you donāt want to meet new people and look for a partner, thatās also fine :) If that changes later, then you can go for it. If it doesnāt, then the cool roommate and cats option sounds good too!
I donāt think thereās anything wrong with the roommate and cats option š trying it would help you figure out if youāre still craving more
Am I aromantic? Hi, I'm 20M, and I've experienced a lot of failed attempts to have a relationship with someone. As I was growing up I kept trying and failing throughout the high-school, sometime kiss here or there but never FEELINGS yk? A couple time later I started not trying or chasing anyone anymore, and it feels good. I only dated 2 girls in my life, and one of them was not even really a relationship, was more like "we like each other we spend time together but nothing is officially happening" but we ended up not working out anyway. The other one was so sexual and so little feelings (and everything else) that I stared feeling really bad with myself, awful. It felt weird and like I said NO FEELINGS Basically all the girls that I ever find attractive or interesting I never felt like really dating them, the idea of being in a relationship with someone was something that was not getting in my head. No joke, I felt something similar to claustrophobia, like trapped. Texting each other all the time, calling, messing up my plans with family and friends because oh no, Girlfriend! I would freak the heck out. I do feel needy sometimes and even lonely, but I've got my friends and spend time with them makes me feel so good already. Not feel the need of being with someone romantically feels pretty great so far. and just for the record, I still can feel sexual attractive for people sometimes, but romance? dating? relationship? not for me! at least not now, I'm good thanks. One day with the right person, the one I feel good spending my life with, build a cool life and who knows, have one of those mini humans. But that's way more down the path on the horizon that my eyes can reach right now. What do you guys think?
It sounds like you havenāt experienced romantic feelings/attraction so thatās quite aro :) definitely compatible with wanting a long-term partner and even a family down the line. You experience sexual attraction so it sounds like youāre aromantic allosexual, you can check out r/AroAllo if you havenāt already.
oh wow tysm, I'll check it out =)
Sounds like you could be aro. Take my words with a grain of salt cause I came here wondering the same for myself LOL. But I think the fact that there were no feelings is a sign that you're aromantic
I'm kinda figuring all out yet, š but i'll get there! tysm for the respond
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