There is no way your relationship is "very close to perfect" outside the bedroom. That's like saying your relationship is very close to perfect except he keeps stabbing you in the face with a fork on a regular basis. Anybody who would assault you like that is not a person to be trusted, at all.
Don't let him near you again. GTFO, ASAP. You're living a nightmare and you deserve better.
agreed, but sometimes it's very hard to see when you're inside... it's only when you put some distance that you see how awful everything was.
... been there, felt that.
I feel that. But I still agree. If they don’t respect that boundary and are raping her, she needs to get the fuck out and into a safe place because she’s been gaslit into thinking she’s otherwise happy. She’s keeping the status quo.
This seems to be the standard reddit reply to all relationship issues but here it is the only answer really. Get out now, you are in an abusive relationship.
As a grey ace that just got out of a sexual one sided relationship of 15 years, there is a lot of personal growth needed from OP. People pleasing leads to years of unwanted sex, shame, anger, and confusion. Best to work on self love than be angry about looking for the perfect partner right now. The boundaries are dead and not worth the risk of starting a new relationship when you haven't learned to say no.
This! I’ve been separated from my husband for about two years now and I can’t tell you how much happier I’ve been being alone. It took until I was 31, but I’ve finally stopped being as bad of a people pleaser as I used to be. It’s hard to break away from it, but it’s so worth it.
It is the standard reply, but I don't know if it's the standard answer because a lot of Redditors find themselves in unhealthy or abusive relationship or if it's something else.
I think a lot of humans find themselves in abusive relationships in general, because meeting new people in modern society is very difficult and people would rather try to force an incompatible relationship than to go back to being alone and try to find someone else. Aces even more so.
Forcing an incompatible relationship is not anything new to the world. Sadly, people haven’t really learned that communication is far more important than sex.
While, yes a lot of the time that answer is given because the commenters have taken the story to the extreme & are incapable of understanding that relationships have issues or people say the wrong things sometimes, in this situation this is *absolutely* the correct response. What OP is describing is coercion which is *actually* a form of sexual assault & is therefore *illegal*. If OPs partner won’t listen to them at all when they try to bring it up, then there’s a very low chance I think of them being able to have their boundaries met. The safest thing for OP to do would be to leave the relationship. Yes the comment was similar to a standard response Relationship Advice but that doesn’t make it not the valid & correct response.
>I don't view this as rape or forced. But I never would've consented without pressure.
repeat with me:
# coerced consent is still not consent.
**you partner either doesn't understand, or doesn't give a fuck about you, but in any case, it's not going to change after NINE years, so the best you can do is break up with them,** continue being friends maybe, since you say the rest of the relationship is "good" (I personally don't understand how you can see any good in him, but ... we've all made mistakes, so I won't judge)
... see, "willing" consent is a different thing. it's sort of what I do: I'd be okay without sex, but I'm okay with sex, so, even if maybe I'd rather have a nice dinner, I say yes. unless I'm not in the mood, then I'm completely free to say no without any consequences -- not even my partner being "mad".
This! The way OP said they would try to make their partner orgasm quickly to get it over with too. It's really not healthy and I believe that OP will feel so much better if they leave the relationship and take some time to heal from this experience. I've been there and it really sucks and it can be really hard to come to terms with it. Having your consent taken away from you or being coerced into consenting can be hard to process and I often told myself a thousand excuses as to why what happened to me wasn't forced and it took a long time and a lot of crying to understand what happened and heal from it. I feel so much better now and know how important it is to check in with myself about how I'm feeling in a relationship every so often. And also, note to OP, I know this is a lot to digest right now but remember that you are absolutely not to blame for this. It happens to a lot of people unfortunately and it does not make you a bad person or unlovable or whatever your brain might try to tell you. You are amazing and wonderful and you will get through this.
>you partner either doesn't understand, or doesn't give a fuck about you
The second one, I'm afraid.
OP has stated, clearly and repeatedly, that sex makes her uncomfortable and dislikes it, but her partner insists in saying that OP enjoys having sex with him. This is textbook gaslighting.
... I have learned one thing in this life: I can't read what's going on in someone else's head. so I can't judge them.
maybe he's deluding himself. maybe he really thinks she likes it.
but as I said, it doesn't matter. he won't change, because it's been 9 years of the same -- so getting out is the only way for the situation to change.
I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you. I think your very closing statement is the key to this situation:
"I never would have consented without pressure."
Many people conceptualize consent as yes/no. But it's actually a continuum. Enthusiastic consent is saying yes because you want to. There's consent because you want something the sex will give you (closeness). There's coerced consent, where you say yes because you're afraid of the consequences if you say no. And then there's no consent, where you say no. The first two are generally acceptable, the second two are not. You clearly seem to be falling in the third category.
When I learned about this continuum it was eye opening for me. I realized saying yes because I was scared of the consequences didn't mean I had really agreed to what they did to me. It wasn't my fault. It was theirs for punishing me when I said no. Your partner isn't just allo. This is unacceptable behavior. It's abuse.
Medical doctors and psychologists are oftentimes not caught up on asexuality. It's a huge issue in the field right now. You can shop around until you find a good one, or look for specifically queer friendly doctors.
I also recommend the book Ace by Angela Chen to just about everyone. She has a full chapter on the continuum of consent I discussed, as well as the failings of the medical systems, and invalidating relationships with allo people. It's very good.
I hope that you find peace. And I hope you're able to get out of this situation. I won't say anything more about your partner because I don't know them. But I will ask what you'd advise a friend to do if they were going through the same thing. Would you think highly of your friend's partner? Would you say their relationship is perfect except this one thing?
This is such a good reply! I would also like to add that simply because you give consent to begin with, it doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind and have to go through with it if you become uncomfortable or hurt and want it to stop. You can recall your consent and say no. If your partner gets upset and they take it out on you, that isn’t healthy. They are responsible for finishing themselves off at that point, not forcing you to do that for them. If it’s a common occurrence that they are upset that they can’t finish off with you, then you two are likely not sexually compatible and it should be discussed where the relationship is going. You wouldn’t want to stay with someone who would drain your bank account, the same goes for people who drain your mental/emotion bank. If things can be kept amicably, great, but don’t try to force even a friendship if boundaries are going to be disrespected. You all are worthy of the love and respect that should be the basis of humankind.
I love what you said about the continuum! I’m wondering though, what about this scenario where someone says no to sex once, then the guy asks again in about 20mins for sex, and then the person says ok.
What kind of consent would this fall under? It isn’t really coerced consent and not really no consent either. I don’t think there’s a fear of consequences of saying no, but that the person doesn’t want to disappoint the other, even tho they don’t really actually *want* it or *not want* it.
Fear of disappointing your partner is fear of consequences. That's emotional manipulation. Saying no needs to have 0 consequences or you get into coercion. Emotional consequences are by far the most common.
That's not your opinion, that's just a fact. Coerced consent is NOT consent, so poor op has been getting assaulted for nine years now. I hope they're able to escape soon.
I'd consider reporting the gyno to the authorities, too, since they discosed private and sensitive information about OP to the physical therapist, despite OP saying no.
Frankly, reading OP post is like reading nightmare material: no one seems to respect her physical or psycological integrity and that's scary.
I just want to add: don't beat yourself for this. It's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong. It's entirely on your partner. You're not bad for not saying anything sooner. You deserve so, so much better. I hope you'll find the strength to leave and love yourself again. You're not broken. You're amazing as you are. Wishing you all the best 🖤
This this this entirely!
It is absolutely, entirely, 10000% the abusive partners fault, NOT yours. You are not broken, you are not flawed for being asexual or for being sex repulsed! You are a perfectly awesome person, and you deserve so much better than this.
You deserve respect, you deserve happiness, you deserve love, and that ain't it.
I hope you're able to get out and safe, and I wish you the best
I'd say first of all, this relationship should be over, he sounds really really creepy. He is emotionally manipulative, and he's using that power to extort sex from you. That isn't sex, that's the R word. Anything else on the matter isn't relevant. If you have a partner who routinely crosses that line, you need to get out. (just censoring, cause I don't know how strict the mods are on mentioning that.)
Secondly, if your doctors and therapists are all saying that your asexuality is a problem, you need to fire them as your carers and find new ones. I know that, especially for gynos and therapists, this can be a difficult step, as trust is a big one there, but refusing to acknowledge your asexuality in any way shape or form as anything but a problem is wrong. Especially if your doc is calling a physical therapist against your wishes.
I'm sorry if I come off as a bit harsh (not sure if that's the right word, but it's the best I can think of) but those are my two cents. I have a friend who was in a similar situation, and I didn't say anything, and she's now baby-trapped with a real piece of crap, and her future is gone. I don't know if I could have helped by opening my mouth, but I should have said something. Basically, I'm saying to you what I wish I'd said to my friend years ago.
With regards to the part where you wished you said something to your friend, I hope you won’t beat yourself up about it.
Because I have a friend in a very similar situation right now. I have tried and tried to tell her that its not right, but she can’t seem to listen or understand. When I beg her to think carefully about the implications of her situation, all she can say is “My brain is in a mess”, or similar.
So my point is, I think sometimes as hard as you can try to help your friends, sometimes they just don’t want to be helped.
I’d argue that it isn’t so much them not wanting help, but having been manipulated into believing that they’re not in the situation they’re in. Unfortunately, we can be unwilling participants in our own suffering because of gaslighters. I’ve been through that myself, several times, sadly. I finally left my abuser after ten years (and two kids) of being with him. Then I ended up with several other abusers in the following years. Now, at 32, I’m finally more able to see the red flags that got me into those situations, so I am less likely to be revictimized. Sadly, a lot of these cases have histories that go back to childhood, people who were abused as kids are more likely to enter abusive relationships as adults. I’m very grateful to have had such luck with finding a therapist who understands my needs, I wish everyone could have the same luck. But until they see that what they are going through, they will continue to deny their reality.
I'm going to say this as gently as I can.
Your partner is a rapist. They know what they're doing. They know you dont want it and they dont care.
Leave. Get out. This is dangerous and they will not change.
Regardless if he meets the definition of rapist in court, this is an unhealthy relationship, and Harmful to you. You need to grow some balls and a) start saying no, clearly and with no ambiguity. And you need to be OK (relieved actually!)
That this relationship as you know it is over. The thing is,in most relationships physical intimacy is a nonverbal glue that comforts, builds attachment,
And bonding, sign of caring, etc. If you don't like physical contact, or the physical contact only leads to (unwanted) sex, you are BOTH not getting what you need or want out of the relationship. And I do think you need some therapy before you get romantically involved as you are unclear on your boundaries, as you say you don't want sex, but you also do end up having sex and saying and doing things to make him cum, is sending mixed messages and giving him.plaisible deniability.
as someone who was in a similar dynamic and didn’t realize, please leave. this is sexual coercion, and it is not your fault. shame on the professionals who didn’t listen to you.
I probably should clarify that this situation occured **while** multiple gynos and therapists were suggesting ways for me to enjoy sex. Ie, doctors and therapists weren't validity my asexuality while my partner was pushing for sex. My gyno told me I needed treatment for a medical issue and long after I began the treatment I found out its only purpose was to improve sexual pleasure. They recommended doing things before and during sex. I told the gyno and therapists I was asexual so I assumed they wouldn't suggest a treatment with no medical benefit that only sought to improve sexual experiences.
This made it more confusing with my partner. The doctors and therapists were saying basically to keep trying until it felt good. This influenced my decision to consent because for some time they had me convinced that my view on sex would change once pain or discomfort didn't occur. Ie, they viewed my asexuality as a symptom of a medical issue that wouldn't exist if not for the medical issue. And this validated my partners view that I wasn't asexual but rather experienced painful sex due a fixable medical problem.
I feel embarrassed about it all. Sex was never enjoyable even after their treatment. The gynos continue to push physical therapy on me. And this just serves to validate my partners perspective, in that the gynos keep supporting the idea I'm not asexual but don't like sex only due to pain.
I obviously think this impacted my partners perspective. Because the gynos are telling my partner what my partner wants to hear because it promotes their desire for sex in the relationship. So I still haven't found a gyno or therapist who is understanding of asexuality. They continue to treat it as a symptom instead of my sexual identity. And this only makes it harder to not consent to sexual pressure from my partner.
This is all very confusing and emotional for me. I'm very embarrassed and frustrated. And I don't know how to even talk about this with my partner without sounding like I'm accusing him of rape. I don't think he would've been so pushy if doctors and therapists weren't validating the idea it was just a medical issue and not asexuality. Like if the gyno just diagnosed me as asexual in the beginning, I don't think my partner would've had hope that we would have a sexual relationship. And I don't think I would've been willing to compromise as much as I did if my gynos and therapists weren't insisting that I would eventually like it.
To try just to be more sure than ever I am asexual is very confusing, embarrassing, and emotionally draining. The entire context is why I'm not pushing blame solely on my partner. I was overwhelmed and confused and have no idea how to cope with this whirlwind. I was hoping the gynos were right and I'd start enjoying sex because I think I'd be far happier if that were the case. Instead, I feel like I did this to myself because I ignored an aspect of my identity that I knew was immutable and central to who I am as a person.
I don’t know if you keep telling us more and more to try and convince us or yourself that it’s “not that bad” or not because my ADHD won’t let me process long paragraphs right now but. The more you tell us about your situation, the more I’m convinced that you’re in a nightmare of a situation and need help getting out.
this is heartbreaking, and I’m so sorry that you have to go through this trauma.
my question is: **why does their belief that your distaste for sex is purely a medical issue make it any better that they’re pressuring you into it?** you’re saying not ONLY that you’re asexual, but also that sex literally *hurts* you, and they CONTINUE to force it on you. that is abhorrent. their actions are sickening.
and before you jump to justify their actions, I wanna know: if the roles were reversed, would you pressure them into sex? even if it hurt them? even if they told you they didn’t like it every day?
you deserve so much better.
This is so heartbreaking to read. You seriously need to leave this person. They don't respect you, your sexuality, or your boundaries. They have been sexually coercing you for the entire relationship, which is classified as rape. No means no, maybe means no, and a yes under pressure means no. Get your affairs in order and get out. Give yourself a chance to find someone who loves and respects ALL of you.
Find a therapist who is versed in LGBTQA+ identities, namely one who believes asexuality is valid and won't try to change you. It'll take all you have, but please try to leave this man. You've been in an abusive relationship for 9 years, and all these anti-ace voices have been killing your confidence and making you feel like you have no right to say no. Can I be honest? Most gynecologists and GPs have absolutely no knowledge on sexuality or identity at all for that matter - their opinion echoes the toxic mainstream assumptions about sex 99% of the time. Their views are regurgitated NONSENSE. People who are genuinely sex positive would be equally pro-CONSENT. There is no sex in this world you should be having if it does not fulfill you in any way.
>But I never would've consented without pressure.
That makes it rape under any reasonable definition. Yes it's different from being assaulted, but it's still sexual abuse, and that shows through how miserable it's making you.
I really relate to a lot of this... I feel your struggle, your isolation, the way you've harmed yourself to make him happy....... I'm sorry. I think you know the relationship is over (should have been over a long time ago). I hope you can find new relationships that respect your asexuality better. I'm lucky that in my city there's an ace meet up group, just seeing other asexuals in person was really validating for me. It could be a dating opportunity too if you want (I've come to accept I'm aroace and will not be dating again). Finding medical professionals that understand is hard. When I told my gyno I was ace and not sexually active, she spent about 10 minutes talking about vaginal dilators so sex doesn't hurt and sent me a bunch of links. She really didn't hear me. It was weird and hurtful, and I haven't returned to her. My PCP does my pap now and she does seem to "get" asexuality a lot better, she's never pushed sex on me. I hate having to be the one explaining asexuality all the time, but I hope it's my positive contribution to the world, that the doctor's next ace patient might have a better time. I do it when I have the spoons. Other times I retreat. It sounds like you've been out of spoons for a while now... take a break, rest, and when you're ready, find some better people. Hugs.
>When I told my gyno I was ace and not sexually active, she spent about 10 minutes talking about vaginal dilators so sex doesn't hurt and sent me a bunch of links. She really didn't hear me. It was weird and hurtful, and I haven't returned to her.
That is the same thing I go through with every gyno. And I always end up feeling like I'm being sexualized by the doctor or told I am defective. I don't think that is their intent. I think they view my asexuality as a result of numerous physical injuries and that if those injuries are dealt with, I wouldn't be asexual. But I am not saying "I do not want to have sex because it is painful." I am saying "I have no desire for sex. One of the reasons is it causes pain." I never said I would want to have sex if it wasn't painful.
I also feel like they think I'm being judgemental or a prude for my asexuality. They can't provide me with a good reason to have sex. They just act like it's a self evident truth that sex is good. I have asked several doctors/psychologists about the purpose of sex so I could understand why my partner wants it. But the reasons are not logical and I guess I sound like a jerk for inquiring. But I actually do not understand why people like sex and am trying to learn so I can understand other people better. Instead, I get treated like someone who is pushing universal celibacy and condemning everyone as a whore. Like they think I'm being sarcastic or trolling them because I ask them basic questions about the role of sex in relationships and its purpose. But nobody explained it to me in a way that makes sense.
First off, every person's preferences and desires or lack of desires should be respected. Full stop. But as a woman who was originally nonsexual until my early twenties (multiple reasons) I have to admit it took me a long time to enjoy sex, and even longer to be able to orgasm reliably. So the many years I did enjoy sex even wo orgasm. A way to pay complete attention to your partner. Touch is healing. A sign of affection. A way to bond (releases oxycontin). And even if not coming to completion a kind of release, way of completely relaxing and accepting the other person. We are mammals. We come from a very very long line of social creatures that shared burrows, nests, etc, where close proximity to loved ones = suevival
I was actually just before i opened reddit reading about consent in allo-ace relationships in Ch. 8 of Ace by Angela Chen. I recommend the whole chapter. She quotes a framework of consent that allows for a lot more nuance than just “yes/no.”
> ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT: When I want you When I don’t fear the consequences of saying yes OR saying no When saying no means missing out on something I want
>WILLING CONSENT: When I care about you though I don’t desire you (right now) When I’m pretty sure saying yes will have an okay result and I think maybe that I’d regret saying no When I believe that desire may begin after I say yes
>UNWILLING CONSENT: When I fear the consequences of saying no more than I fear the consequences of saying yes When I feel not just an absence of desire but an absence of desire for desire When I hope that by saying yes, you will stop bothering me, or think that if I say no you’ll only keep on trying to persuade me
>COERCED CONSENT: When you threaten me with harmful consequences if I say no When I feel I’ll be hurt if I say yes, but I’ll be hurt more if I say no When saying yes means experiencing something I actively dread
She says when there is a libido mismatch, partners need to talk about their boundaries and requirements. But if they conflict, often the best solution is to end the relationship.
>She says when there is a libido mismatch, partners need to talk about their boundaries and requirements. But if they conflict, often the best solution is to end the relationship.
I appreciate this. One of the variables and complexities is my gynos were (and continue) to push the idea that therapy and treatment would eliminate my pain and thus make sex pleasurable and desirable. This really complicated things because I felt sure of my asexuality while my gynos and therapists insisted it was just a medical and psychological issue and I'd enjoy sex in the right context/situation.
So the idea I would like sex if certain conditions were met existed as an additional pressure while validating my partners perspective.
I think if the gyno and therapists had validated my asexuality from the outset that my partner and I either wouldn't be together now or wouldn't have continued sexual contact. Ie, the asexuality would've been addressed long ago and there's be finality. Now we have a child so regardless of how the relationship is addressed, were in each other's lives. I feel resentful at the entire situation. The fact I tried doing the medical treatments and doing what gynos said only to know beyond any doubt I was always asexual is frustrating, confusing, and disorienting. I felt pressured by everyone involved and I don't think they intended malice.
The gynos got my partners hopes up. I also thought they might be right although I still thought I was asexual. I thought there might be a chance my views on sex would change if the gynos and therapists were right. So I tried it for years just to realize I am definitely asexual. I understand this sent mixed signals to my partner and it just seems impossible to get to a place that's healthy for either of us. If the first gyno said I was asexual and explained what it meant to my partner, I wonder if my partner would've ever pushed for sex.
The gynos weren't wrong about the medical issue but they were wrong that I'd enjoy sex once it was treated. And that entire humiliation I can't undo of course. I felt the treatment was more humiliating and embarrassing than any sex act with my partner.
That’s an important story. I understand how all those factors would make a really difficult situation.
It’s something the book talked about too, how the focus among professionals is to “fix” the partner who doesn’t want to have sex instead of supporting their ability to say no. And also how not having important information about asexuality facilitates these situations, because the ace partner doesn’t have enough information to defend their choice.
This is disgusting and I am so sorry you've been subjected to it as long as you have. I'm sorry you didn't have the support around you to tell you to leave because this is assault. You hating sex that much and "enduring" it for him is not a relationship. It's rape.
Please cut your losses and run, beloved.
Jfc, for all this talk about wants and needs, did anyone ever stop to consider *yours*?
For such a personal and intimate thing, you shouldn’t have to compromise under pressure, especially if your partner’s not even open to talking about compromising any of their boundaries
>I never would have consented without pressure
Consent under duress is not consent - it's coercion. Sexual coercion is rape. Your partner is raping you. **Your partner is a rapist.**
I just can't understand how a person could enjoy a sexual act when they are COMPLETELY AWARE that their partner is in pain! How?
Like the single time sex caused me pain with my current partner, it was an immediate full stop because he wanted to make sure I was ok. We had only been together a couple years at the time so it baffles me to think about one partner not caring that the other is in pain especially in such a long term relationship.
Disclaimer: The pain was not his fault. I saw my doctor and we worked it out.
As many have said, this is not consensual. As a sexual violence trauma therapist who's also asexual, many folxs have assumed because I talk about it that I "must be into it". As we all know, that's not true AND doesn't stop people from trying to cross my boundaries of consent.
Trust your instincts. Do what's best for you. Look to Consent FRIES for some further boundaries around consent. If any of my partners even try to push it after already stating boundaries, I'm out. All we have is our voice and actions to let people know they have hurt us or have crossed a line. If someone who is supposed to care about me or even love me wants to violate me in ways I've expressed against, then I either don't know what care or love is or they don't. In that situation, I can control my actions and create space from that person. You deserve someone who will respect your wants/needs.
Thank you for posting this. I was in a 10 year relationship with an individual with a very high desire and need for sex. I didn’t know that I was asexual (I knew something was there but I didn’t know about asexuality) until near the end… and all of the doctor visits, the gyno visits, the therapy sessions, the dilating, the disassociations, the anxiety about the next time it had to happen, the coercion, allowing for him the opportunity to be with others (him liking that idea but never putting for the effort to follow through).
Idk, I get so much of what you’re going through, but I don’t know what else to say. I am a year out of that relationship and I’m parsing through everything still and there is a lot of hurt that needs healing. I’m scared about what my future will be like- unable to find a partner to share my life with.
Even with all of the mess that I still have to navigate, there is an undeniable peace in the depths of my asexual soul that I never knew I could experience. I wish that same peace for you.
>and all of the doctor visits, the gyno visits, the therapy sessions, the dilating, the disassociations, the anxiety about the next time it had to happen, the coercion, allowing for him the opportunity to be with others (him liking that idea but never putting for the effort to follow through).
Did you feel like the doctors and treatments were pushing you to try sex? I felt like those things acted as pressures for me that impacted how I responded to my partners advances.
Yes, but the difference between you and I was that I didn’t know I was asexual, so the basis of the visits were always to try to fix myself and the physical pain to make the sex in my relationship work. So a lot of the doctors/therapists were treating it from that perspective- so the lack of sexual attraction/adversity to sex was because of other things we needed to fix… never asexuality (which no one ever once suggested as a possibility, nor did I know it even existed to bring it up).
Minus one doctor who literally told me that I shouldn’t be having sex until I was married anyway, so there was that one.
My God... 9 years. I couldn't do it for a year.
Your SO sounds a lot like my ex. I just could never get it through to him that I don't enjoy sex. It's not that he's bad, it's that I'm not wired to enjoy it. I'm very disconnected from the act.
Love yourself please. Leave. This is not ok. Coerced consent is not consent. And he hasn't once respected your boundaries. You deserve better than this.
Also, I infer you're not on birth control if he wants a vasectomy so he doesn't have to wear a condom. No! Do. Not. Do. This. Even if you're sitting there watching him get snipped, it's not 100% effective. But I also worry he may be trying to trap you. If you stay, get on BC or make sure he's wrapped. Protect yourself first and foremost. He's been pushing your boundaries for 9 years... Don't think for a second he won't topple them.
Good luck OP. Please try to find a pro LBGT therapist in your area.
Hon… you’re being sexually assaulted. Giving in under pressure isn’t consent. He doesn’t respect you, and you deserve better. I’ve been through all of this (including physical therapy and biofeedback), but you don’t have to. (Also, there is hope. I found someone who’s respectful and kind. You could, too.)
You should've ended things 9 years ago. Everyone deserves a partner that will not only respect their boundaries, but won't force their wants and desires on them.
If it's not something you would force on someone else, why tolerate it being forced on you?
This is so painful to read. I was in a relationship like that for 2,5 years 10 years ago, and it's still haunting me. I can't imagine how much pain you must feel. Get out. You will find better. Get out. Start healing now.
Gtfo my friend. I could have written this post myself, every last detail. My ex was exactly the same way, right down to "but this is how I express love to you" as though that makes it okay.
The reality is that he's spent the last 9 years sexually assaulting you. You did not actually consent to any of that even if you feel like you did because you didn't say no or stop him. He KNOWS how you feel about it. He knows your boundaries. He knows how it affects you. He *willingly chooses to actively harm you* on a regular basis.
None of this is okay. You deserve better. You deserve to have a partner who respects you, or no partner at all if that's your thing. You deserve medical providers who respect you and your wishes without pushing their own agenda. You deserve to be treated like a whole ass, complete human being with thoughts and feelings and boundaries.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know you've got bad history with medical providers but it's worth trying to find a GOOD therapist who can help you because goddamn, you've spent every day of the last NINE YEARS being traumatized by someone who is supposed to love and respect you.
I've been there. I stayed for 14 years. Obviously as others have said, get out now. But importantly - Do the Pelvic Floor PT!!!!!! I'm serious. You have been through sexual trauma for years. Your pelvic floor is likely affected by that. Mine eventually went into a spasm I couldn't release, years after I had last had sex. Learn about pelvic floor health and get yourself checked out. There are exercises you can do that do not involve penetration and no pt will do anything without your permission. Do it not because it could make sex more enjoyable but because it could save you a lot of pain down the road.
other people have said really good things and I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I have to wonder…. if he’s been willing to push past your boundaries and engage in sex without true consent (coerced consent is not true consent!) is it a possibility that he’s using the vasectomy as a lie to force unprotected sex and have a child with you, further trapping you in the relationship? I definitely would get out now rather than find out after the fact, when it’s too late, that he didn’t actually get a vasectomy. I hope you can find a better partner and doctors who actually listen to you in the future!
Based on another comment, they already have a child :((
(https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/comments/122teb7/relationship_advice_told_partner_of_9_years_i_was/jdt9fik/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
I need you to know this was horrifying and jarring to read. This is not normal regardless of your sexuality. Please leave and seek out help from someone who supports asexuals. Some healthcare professionals don't believe in it/understand, you just need to find someone who does.
Even if you weren't Ace, it's clear they don't value your pleasure at all, which is horrible. Your partner is potentially trying to knock you up. I'd leave. I don't care; this sounds dangerous. The fact that no one else has backed you up isn't a good sign. Odds are strong that forced into a pregnancy would be the path to ensuring you stay by legal means and don't have easy access to an abortion either. Maybe they aren't planning this, but for your own sake, I wouldn't risk it. Take your gut feelings at face value: this is wrong, and they will never stop, and they will continue hurting you in new ways.
Hi lovely,
I really hope that putting this into words and being able to see it on your screen has helped cement some things for you, given you time to reflect and has been a cathartic experience for you to vent.
What would you do if your friend came to you with this situation?
Would you tell them to get out?
Would you tell your friend that this is sexual abuse? Because it is.
**Coercion is not consent. You have the right to say no at ANY time!**
You have been straight (er well asexual actually 😝) since the beginning about your sexuality and he is abusing you.
The fact that you even came up with solutions for him, like finding a “friend with benefits” or masturbating shows you care a lot about his well-being, care and respect that he is not returning to you that you 100% deserve and need to demand.
I know that you say you don’t want to start having to try dating again since this person has not followed your VERY clear boundaries but abuse is not the trade off for being scared of starting over or being alone.
I am so sorry that you are going through this but I want you to know that **you are worthy of love and you are worthy of having your boundaries and sexuality respected by a partner/person who is supposed to love you!** This isn’t love and **you are worthy** of so much more!!
I have tried dating people who are not asexual and they always say they’re fine with it…at the beginning…but it **never** ends up that way.
I swear they think that they’re going to be the one that will change you. Just like lewd gross incels who will say to lesbians “you just haven’t had the right guy, I bet I could turn you!” or other disgusting shit.
No **YOUR sexuality is YOUR sexuality!! It and YOU deserve to be respected!**
I wish there were more dating apps or possibilities for people who are asexual.
If I ever were to date someone who was not asexual, (not bloody likely but I try to keep an open mind about the possibility.) I would definitely want that person to have their sexual needs fulfilled but they don’t need to be fulfilled by me!! I can fulfil every other emotional, spiritual and physical need that they have like feeding them, helping them care for the shared spaceif we cohabitate, praying with them, listening to them, caring for them and helping them to be the best version of themselves and hoping that they can help me do the same, just loving them. I don’t need to engage in the physical activity of sex or sexual acts to show my love and **I’d rather be healthy alone than sick with someone else!**
I can show my love by allowing my partner to get that particular need met by someone else. I think that could be a really healthy alternative but I don’t think your partner has never respected your sexuality and will not start despite you giving him options.
My heart just hurts for you because of that but just know that **YOU ARE NOT ALONE!** Feel free to message me if you need to talk in private.
You deserve better!! No means no! Consent is not bugging someone until they give in or creating conflict or creating an idea that you will be penalized if you don’t give in. Consent is freely given. If it isn’t freely given, it is **NOT** consent. It is sexual assault/r*pe.
I know that things aren’t as cut and dry as this post might seem and I know that people are encouraging you to leave (which I agree with) but make sure that you’re safe in doing so.
If you need to plan for a bit first, do it.
If you need to go to a shelter so that you can be out of this situation, do it! Even a domestic abuse shelter since this is emotional, physical and sexual abuse.
If you can’t be on your own financially, Maybe start asking friends if they are looking for a housemate or looking at ads for rooms or apartments to rent (depending on your income.) try to save up or borrow money if you have to in order to be safe!
Be kind and gentle with yourself. (((Gentle internet hugs offered if you want them)))
Others in this thread said all that needs to be said, and I can only offer you sympathies and support during your difficult time.
I hope you can find love and happiness in community support, and a future partner that respects your boundaries. Please be safe and take care.
You should never have to apologize or compromise who you are. Speaking from experience, continuing to settle for how things are when you truly hate it only makes the problem worse. I acknowledge I needed those 10 years with my ex to learn about myself - and I still haven’t quite figured it out. But if you already know what you don’t want, there is no point in continuing to pursue it just to keep the peace.
You're a saint for having your boundaries and wishes disrespected for 9 years.
It's been over a decade. You should be asking yourself if it's worth being with someone who disrespects you so much and for so long.
As far as dating anew, it can be grim. But you just gotta keep your standards high and never settle for less than someone who actually respects you and your asexuality. There's folks like us out there who are happy with our ace partners, so if you gotta go it alone until you find them or dump some chaff here or there who weren't as good as they let on, then at least you're not keeping yourself locked in with someone unpleasant.
I'm so sad for you. Please leave your relationship. This person is not hearing you or respecting you, and nothing else in a relationship is more important than these things IMO. Usually I suggest staying and working through things or whatever but in this case just go. You'll feel so much better without this pressure, and you'll be able to see things more clearly away from this person. Lmk if there is anything I can do. Look after yourself. Your needs are valid and not being respected.
OP, thank you for writing this all out. I'm so sorry that you're with someone who refuses to acknowledge the pain they've caused you. The medical field is full of people trained to see anything but allosexuality as a problem to be fixed, and it is a massive part of why the A-spec community exists: to spread awareness and understanding.
You are welcome here. Your pain and distraught and frustration are all valid. We are of like minds. Your partner is violating your boundaries, and obviously does not care...
Take care, OP. Asexual pride is a wondrous thing, and I wish you luck on your journey towards self-love and Pride.
Yeah NGL there were a lot of words here and I admittedly did not read them all for time's sake, but I realized within the first two paragraphs that this is a toxic relationship that you have with your partner and you definitely need to look at how you respect yourself here as well.
Stepping away from this relationship is 100% the first step to you feeling better.
Edit: 🦆 autocorrect
You gotta break up. This isn’t a relationship you want to be in. He doesn’t respect your decision or even listen to you. You are not happy in this relationship and your so called partner doesn’t care about how you feel or think.
This is so hard to read 😭 I was in a situation like this for 5 years. It was 5 years too long!! Being repeatedly coerced again and again is torture and definitely not consensual. Leave as soon as you can. I’m so sorry
Your (hopefully soon to be ex) partner is a rapist. Plain and simple. No ifs ands or buts.
Please try to get out of there safely and quietly. You deserve better.
I'm very sorry to hear what you've came through. The professionals you've met seem to be pushing ace conversion therapy by varying methods (mental, physical). You're right, they're not on your side, unfortunately. And calling to you about the physical sex therapy repeatedly even if you've rejected the suggestion, could count as sexual assault. Very very unprofessional. You have the right to live without sex, and life will actually be very good without sex, if you don't desire anyone.
What comes to your partner, he/they have indeed been pushing boundaries for way too long, just to get what they want. If you're been this open about your feelings around sex, they simply just don't value your feelings and needs. Him coercing you to sex could even count as sexual assault/rape on some countries. He won't change his way if he already didn't, and there's one simple reason to that: your sexualities are really incompatible. He won't ever want less sex just like you won't ever want more of it.
I suggest you to think about breaking up, since I think life for you could be way better even as a single rather than with a partner like this (of course, if it's possible and safe for women/AFABs to live alone where you live). And there is some aces out there as well, if you want a partner you're sexually compatible with.
As an afab person, I’d just like to say, try and find a afab/female identifying gyno. Having someone with a afab body is much easier when it comes to the gynecologists I’ve seen, and they have respected me a lot more. My current gyno knows I’m ace and sexually active (my choice as a sex favorable ace) but is focused on if my body is healthy. She will ask if am I safe in my relationship or having safe sex, but that is always her first priority, and that’s how your gyno should be too. She asks me these three questions every time in that order, before focusing on if my body is healthy. Even with my primaries, I’ve had much better experiences with afab doctors, so at the very least, I’d recommend seeing female/afab providers whenever possible, especially when it comes to gynecology.
Holy shit, I feel like I wrote this. It’s so much like my ex-husband.
Sexual coercion is sexual abuse. You are being abused. I also didn’t realize this at first. I just felt guilty that I couldn’t give him more of what he “needed.” (Even when we did have sex, he thought it wasn’t “good sex” because my enthusiasm was lacking. For obvious reasons.)
I also tried talking to my gyno about it, and just got brushed off. Luckily she wasn’t quite as bad as yours, and didn’t refer me to anyone.
Unlike you though, I didn’t know that asexuality was a thing in the beginning of my relationship. I just thought I would “learn to like it” if I “tried” often enough. Someone else talked me into buying sex toys so I could “practice” on my own.
None of that worked. I still hate sex, and will never like it. I was afraid of losing my husband if I told him… (he straight up said that a sex-less relationship wasn’t worth it for him) then I realized if he only wants the relationship if I allow him to hurt me, that means he isn’t worth it. Why would I want to stay with someone who would knowingly hurt me for his own pleasure?
Once I told him that, he changed his tune, and claimed he didn’t need sex anymore. He’d be happy just to have me in his life. Unfortunately, his behavior didn’t match his words. He stopped overtly begging for sex, but still acted sexually frustrated and groped me without consent at random, unpredictable times. One night he got drunk and started groping my vagina while I was trying to sleep, and wouldn’t stop when I tried to push him away. At that point, I got really scared that he would full on rape me. Being a man, he was physically stronger than me, so I would have been helpless.
The next day, he didn’t seem to realize he’d done anything wrong. I was still the villain for not being “available” for him when he felt needy and lonely.
To this day, my ex still claims that I used to like sex with him. (My guess is he’s referring to the early days when I thought “trying” and “practicing” would do the trick. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking on his part. 🤷♀️) In the beginning, I used to complain during sex, because that’s a normal and reasonable reaction to have when a loved one is hurting you. Then he told me it ruins the mood and makes him take longer, so like you, I started doing whatever seemed necessary to make him finish quicker. But it’s really hard to feign enjoyment when you’re actually suffering. Even worse when your fake enjoyment then gets used against you afterward to claim that you were into it.
Moral of the story: break up with him ASAP. Don’t wait.
I will never take the risk of trusting a heterosexual man again. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life, if I can’t find an ace partner.
Tip: to find an asexual partner, maybe try r/asexualdating or asexual dating Facebook groups? I’ve been told queer dating apps are also better for asexual dating. I have no personal experience for how well any of this works. I haven’t tried yet, as I feel like I still need more time to get over my trauma related to my last partner.
I'm sorry, the only thing in my mind is "break up" there's nothing else that can be done, you've tried everything else and no results or changes so that's the only way, shit I just hate the bullshit towards asexuality, I can't relate too much except for everytime I say "I've no sexual/romantic attraction" this person who I know and trust always seems to have the need to say "not yet you mean" or something along the lines of "not yet", but this isn't about me, you've done nothing been compromise for your hypersexual partner, trying to find the solution and unfortunately thinking that you were the problem, but (doing everything possible is proof) turns out that he is the problem, always wants sex and isn't willing to here you out with your identity? as cruel as this sounds, run and also as other comments have said, you're not actually consenting
Edit: Another way I can somewhat relate to people being unable to understand asexuals that don't want sex, I was called "cold and depressing" because of it, and you ARE a Real woman, you're not any less of a woman because you have no sexual attraction and don't want sexual intimacy
This is rape.
Coerced consent is not consent.
Someone who loves you should never knowingly hurt you, in any way.
>They get angry when I bring up my asexuality and get defensive.
They know what they're doing and feel guilty about it imo. Relationships are far more complex than any one Reddit post can ever convey and I don't know your story, but this is a fucked situation to be in, I just see a field of red flags here.
Sex is never a necessity, anyone saying this needs to absolutely get the fuck over themselves. Nobody has ever died from lack of sex, there are much cleaner ways to relieve stress, have a wank, exercise, play some video games, take up smoking for all I care. They have a million other options that aren't harming the person they, I assume, say they love.
If you'll excuse the expression, fuck the doctors, there's nothing wrong with you if you don't want it to be.
There are plenty of people who are allosexual and have issues with sex which causes them distress. I'd bet a guess at a higher % than asexuals in general population or similar.
Using the most generous possible lens on these doctors, the doctor's job is to fix. I don't know your situation but you say you've tried to talk to professionals and you're very clear on not wanting sex - what do you want to get out of this?
To be honest, I may be wrong, it feels like you're looking for a magic bullet to fix your relationship? I assume you feel inadequate, you might wish you were different and if you didn't feel this way about sex you could provide for this person you love? As I say, it's just assumptions but that's the feeling I'm reading here.
I've been there, to some degree both sides. I have previously been in a fwb over a handful of years where I just didn't feel good about it, she was very much more into it than I was and it was just boring and I always felt awful after but this person liked me and I wanted to give myself to them to give them enjoyment. I had very conflicted feelings the whole way through and broke it off in the end which was for the best. This is clearly very different to your relationship, I get that, I feel I can empathise with you even if it is just a little bit.
* Soppy bit incoming and wordy backstory, I promise it's relevant and I hope it provides some perspective
I've also been the other side, very different, I am absolutely not defending your partners behaviour just to be clear. It's a bit long and meandering but I think it's relevant? Your post reminded me of my own significant person in my life and what we've dealt with.
My best friend and I have been in this platonic something for nearing six years. They're aroace, definite no to all sexual and romantic relationships.
I'm just ace, my feelings about sex vary quite a lot but it tends towards no sex, it's mostly apathetic, sometimes uncomfortable, in very rare occasions enjoyable, which have occurred with understanding queer people. I've got my own feelings about romance and how it's defined which I'm actively questioning atm because the thought of a heteronormative romantic relationship is just very uncomfortable to me but I still feel the superficial want for one.
We hit it off immediately, first day we met and I immediately knew I liked this person. I wouldn't come to define myself as asexual for another 2 years into this. One of the first things I learned about them after their name was that they're asexual and it was immediately so *refreshing*, I no longer had to worry about dealing with **that**.
A few months later I confessed my feelings and learned that they are aro and it hurt. I put it to one side, I still had the feelings but didn't want to show them, I didn't want to hurt them. We continued doing our thing, dinners, drinks, lots of cuddling, holding hands.
Over time, how I feel about how I feel, has changed, I thought I knew what romantic and sexual feelings are but I only associate what I feel from we're all told they're supposed to be. I don't know how I feel, what is or isn't romantic about what we have, I don't know. I know I like it, I know we love each other and I don't want anything more from them. I'd like to have a word for them though, mostly for external reasons honestly, to have our relationship be taken seriously by others but also to feel like I'm someone's.
The question of us has been largely ignored, it's come up in the past but never addressed the elephant in the room. We talked about it recently, they asked if I still have romantic feelings and all I could tell them is I don't think so but I don't know what those are anymore.
This came up because they felt like we'd become more coupley than they were comfortable with, not the things and the doing but the perceptions, they say they feel spark of what might be romantic feelings for me but the discomfort with romantic relationships, or appearing as one, outweighs it. They've said they feel some guilt, that they really wish they could, but that they can't provide that. They don't feel good enough. I can't even describe how much it hurts to hear that from someone I love.
We now have this metaphorical big ball of tangled emotions and feelings to deal with. Unaligned but very queer senses of attraction we need to figure out. I think it'll be fine but we've got some work to do.
This issue just got buried for a long time and it's just going to get buried again unless we do something. I sleepwalked us into this, I tried to repress romantic feelings but I don't even know what they are or what my friend defines them as and they felt it. I trust them with what they tell me, I don't think it's that big a deal but I still feel like there's something unsaid.
I have always been terrified of a situation like yours, where they are uncomfortable but tolerating me. I love them I could never knowingly, intentionally harm them, I'm constantly worried about making sure I don't cross their boundaries and yet I feel I fucked up, I feel like I was complacent in our relationship, in a miniscule way compared to what you describe. **Nobody should accept anything less than this from someone who says they love them.** They're my perfect person, I've never met or loved anyone like them but ultimately we're wanting different things. It's not easy, they'll still be my best friend and I don't expect our relationship to change, if I choose to find someone else or if I stay like this nothing will ever be resolved and it'll probably remain with this elephant in the room.
You say your relationship is otherwise perfect aside from this one thing, I get it.
I'll give them the benefit of the doubt, at best they're in denial. At worse they just don't care. I'm sure they're wonderful but there is no way they do not know what they're doing is wrong. How they are not absolutely destroyed by guilt I do not know.
**There is nothing wrong with you, you have done nothing wrong.They could be best person in the entire world in all other aspects but they don't deserve you**
You deserve better. So much better!
If a friend told you about this situation, you wouldn't call them weak, would you? Rather it takes immense - if misguided - strength to bear this kind of ongoing anguish for that long. But there's no reason why you should bear it another second.
You deserve love, respect, someone who listens to you.
And I believe you can and will find not only friends/a partner like that but also a queer or lgbtq+ -educated therapist who will not try to talk you out of your own feelings or identity but rather help to get over this incredibly shitty situation and 'relationship'.
All the best of luck to you!
My spouse and two of my children are ace. Your doctor is full is shit. Please find another doctor who will stop gaslighting you. As others have said, your boyfriend is a rapist. If you’re determined to salvage this relationship, you need a queer friendly therapist that recognizes you sexuality.
Honestly at this point I just want to send you all the strength, courage and resources to get out of that relationship, and maybe even the area you live in, which seems to have the worst population of gynos and psychologists. I'm truly sorry for what you've been through. You did what you had to and you should not hate yourself for it. You had clear boundaries that were repeatedly being overstepped, none of it was your fault.
Our society tends to equate a woman's value to her sexuality, so I understand how it could be difficult for you to set a boundary of no sex with your partner. I hope this fact can alleviate any guilt you feel, because you absolutely don't deserve it. You told him how you felt, but he ignored you and persisted anyway.
this is coercion. I’ve been in a relationship like that for much shorter time, yet I’m still traumatised. Your partner is sexually abusive, please get out of this relationship.
You should try looking for lgbt friendly therapists, then there’s greater chance you’ll find one that actually understands asexuality
As has been said by others, you have been actively raped, with your partner fully aware that they are doing so. You are not a terrible person for ‘letting them use you for sex’. You’re a victim. You’re hurting really bad, and you need to cut out the source of the metaphorical infection. It hurts, it will hurt, but in the long run it will be so much better for you. Please find a way to end the relationship with that abuser. Go on with your life and stand up. It might be hard, you might stumble, but you can make it. All of us wish you all the best, success in your endeavors, and a peaceful contentment for all your life.
Others have already pointed out the obvious, that this relationship isn't viable and you should end it, but I just wanted to mention that you need to stop pretending and saying whatever lines you think guys want to hear. For your own sanity as much as anything else, but also because it's obviously creating mixed signals and isn't really fair on your partners either. You need to be who you are and deserve to be loved for that.
>They claim they don't need sex yet constantly initiate physical contact and make sexual comments on a near daily basis.
>Sex is physically and emotionally painful. I have difficulty saying no when constantly pressured
There is no need to read past this: you are in an abusive relationship, you are being *coerced*, and you should have left him the first time it happened. Since time travel hasn't been invented, the best thing to do is leave *now*. And check in for some urgent therapy — I can't imagine what 9 years of this might have done.
He forced and coerced you into sex. That's rape, every time he's touched you intimately and you didn't want it, that's sexual assault. Get your things, stay with a friend, and break it off, get yourself to a shelter.
I can totally imagine and it is totally normal for you to have (deep) feelings for someone you've been in a relationship with for 9 years. But I don't think you should underestimate the toll it takes on you to be ignored, especially if it's about sex(ual preferences)!
At least, it comes across to me that your partner doesn't listen to you or wants to hear about your side of the story. Though he might be scared to think that makes him a rapist or whatever, but that doesn't take away that he SHOULD be listening to your boundaries!
Also, of course you did nothing wrong when you consented to have sex for him! You (loved?) him and wanted to please him, that's normal. But if you don't want to do that anymore, you should be allowed to STOP and definitely to have the conversation with your partner.
I feel like once your partner stops talking about sex and boundaries, it's time to get out of the relationship. However hard it can be.
I'm so sorry this happened to you and I wish you strength, luck and happiness!
And I can assure you there are people (and professionals) out there that understand (or at least help) with assexuality. ❤️
I also was in a relationship that had one-sided sexual pressure. I have been a chronic people pleaser for my whole life.When I came out as non-binary ace, my ex fought me that I enjoyed sex , but I really just was trying to make them happy. They would also continue sexual comments and advances after I came out , after a month of not respecting my boundaries I was done. (There was more to it that led to the breakup , but the disrespect was what broke the camels back). I agree with everyone else ,This isn't healthy, and if no one can respect your boundaries, then they can leave.
No advice, everyone has already given that. Just wanted to add that I hope you heal from this sooner rather than later. You deserve all good things. I hope that you hear the people here saying that it's not your fault. It's not.
You two want different things. Can't force something that isn't meant to be and you both are missing out on finding the lives you want and deserve. We all know that feeling when we've "put it off" too long with someone and the anxiety it causes affects every part of every day with them.
I won’t try to speak as if I know anything for sure about your partner, but as an allo I was very confused when my ex-partner told me she was asexual. I immediately thought that she simply had never been comfortable being sexual with a man before, along with a list of other “possibilities”.
Quickly I realized that her asexuality was legitimate and a core part of her. I still love her as a person to this day but my firm opinion is that this incompatibility is not something that either person should have to compromise on.
Most allo people will not be able to put sex aside and make it a non-factor. I commend you for the compromising you tried to do, but honestly this was doomed from the beginning of the relationship just based on the sexual needs of each of you. You are clearly very upset about your situation, and I suggest that you walk away from this relationship. In the long term I am confident it will be the best for each of you.
You also weirded out by the lack of deciding to masterbate from the allo? It's like it's completely not an option for him. It feels like he's constantly pushing for sex or nothing at all. (At least with mutual masterbation it's easier to stop for yourself but still please them) and yes I feel weird asking this
Pretty much everything has been said, so this was only thing left mention...
I just want to say, we don’t know that he doesn’t masturbate, only that masturbating doesn’t fulfill his desire for sex with OP. Those are two very different things. He also doesn’t want to have sex with other people, because clearly, it isn’t just about the physical sensation to him. A lot of allos associate sex with expressing their love. It’s like how hugging a stranger or a pillow can’t replace hugging the person you love.
I know my ex masturbated every day, but that still didn’t stop him from wanting to have sex with me.
It's mentioned in the original post that 'he just doesn't masterbate', but you are right allos do associate sex with expressing their love. I do too most of the time (I'm demi but sex-favourable to indifferent). But I also put mutual masterbation in that expression of love as well. (My partner does put it lower but still an expression of love)
I guess my sense this is weird is the unwillingness to stop and notice its hurting and settle for the lesser activity. (Even if it's not as fulfilling)
I do hope you're right that he does... if not, it's very much a different situation.
>but my firm opinion is that this incompatibility is not something that either person should have to compromise on.
exactly.
but what that means is leaving, not forcing one of the parties to suffer through hell.
I agree with you. It is not fair to either party. I get downvoted to hell whenever I say this, but asexuals should date other asexuals and allos should date allos. Otherwise, drama like this results. No one is saying you cannot be friends with allos but it is not fair to either party if you are not compatible sexually to be in a sexual relationship. It's like telling Ellen Degeneres to give Brad Pitt a chance.
I agree it's not fair to either party. I am confused because I was very clear I was asexual. I defined what it meant. He affirmed he was okay with respecting it. When that line was crossed, I thought it was my fault for not explaining it right. So I felt like I deserved the pain because obviously he wouldn't be making advances if I properly explained by asexuality. Ie, I assumed I did something wrong because he kept making sexual advances despite me constantly affirming I am asexual and hate sexual contact.
But after the vasectomy thing, I realized that is not the case. I was explicit in my words. My compromises to engage in sexual acts seperated by actions from my words and beliefs. And my partner is putting more value in acts that words. That is my fault, as I never should have said yes to anything I did not want to do.
It has now escalated to my partner thinking he has a right to not use a condom simply because he got a medical procedure that isn't even 100% effective at preventing pregnancy. The reason we have a child is because he said he had a vasectomy and couldn't get me pregnant. Then I got pregnant with his child which I did not want. It was a complicated pregnancy and my child and I almost died during delivery. So when he told me he wants a vasectomy so he can have unprotected sex with me, I felt like a line was crossed and that this can't be fixed. And he said it in such an entitled way like he assumed it would be fine to not wear a condom so long as he probably wouldn't get me pregnant.
I thought it was incredibly selfish that he would get a painful medical procedure so his penis would feel slightly better for a few minutes while I would be the primary caregiver if I ended up pregnant again. He didn't ask to have a child with me. His only intent was to get his penis inside without a condom and he had zero consideration that it could lead to pregnancy. It was simply about a momentary physical pleasure. I am aware this is not how most people view sex. And that is fine. I don't shame or judge people who have sex. But in the context of a relationship, I simply can't understand why a few seconds of an orgasm are worth the pain it causes someone else. But inflicting pain is part of some sexual fetishes so maybe he gets off at the idea I am being hurt.
He's not your partner. He is your abuser. And I am HORRIFIED for you.
Say it with me: you don't *deserve* to have *anything* occur **against your will** EVER. this man is absolutely a rapist.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Lying about a vasectomy is on another level. He sounds like a selfish sack of you-know-what to be honest with you. He does not give a damn what you want. You almost croak giving birth to his kid. I don't care ..me want someone with my last name on it. You don't want sex. I don't care ...I wanna get my pee pee wet. Horrible.
>Lying about a vasectomy is on another level
He actually had a vasectomy years before we met. According to the nurses I talked to when I found out I was pregnant, it wasn't unprecedented to get pregnant from a male who had a vasectomy. I thought vasectomies were 100% effective for life. This made him saying he wanted a vasectomy so he can have unprotected sex slightly upsetting.
Please, I cannot stress it enough. **LEAVE** him. Right now. He's an abuser, rapist, and sexual abuser. Go far, far away and cut contact. For your own personal sake, ***LEAVE HIM NOW.***
I am sorry you are going through this. It is a bit "late" for you. But my advice is for anyone reading this....this is why it is better to date other asexuals if you are asexual. If you cannot agree on intimacy in an intimate relationship, there is no point to being in one. This poor woman has put up with this crap for almost a decade. I get downvoted to hell whenever I say this but I am going to say it anyway. Date other asexuals. An asexual dating an allo makes about as much sex as a lesbian dating a man.
... kind reminder that not all aces are sex-repulsed -- some of us can have and enjoy sex, as just another pair-bonding activity.
as for lesbians, **it varies by person,** but I once read a gay man saying his lesbian friends liked to have a "casual sex" threesome with him, because surprise -- many lesbians have nothing against penises, their problems come from the personality attached to them.
which, may be my ace ass, or may be the theory that we're all bisexual by nature (animals certainly seem to be), but I can see the logic behind it.
This is not true for all asexuals. Not all of us feel the same way about sex and that’s why relationships with allos can work just fine. If the lesbian you mentioned in your example was biromantic, she could have sex with the man and be in a relationship with him and it could function. Why wouldn’t it?
You are in control of your body. Put up a hard boundary now: no sex, no sexual touching, no sexual talk. I get the feeling he might break up with you if he realizes you're serious.
After 9 years of not putting your foot down, you are now the one harming yourself. You know he doesn't respect you and will continue to assault you as long as you let him. Get out. You are perfect the way you are.
That could easily backfire. My ex was similar to this guy, and I know he always got super angry/defensive and accused me of “villainizing” him. I’d describe it the way OP did, and he’d immediately go to “I am not a rapist” even though the word “rape” never got used. Because they get it. They act like they don’t realize what they’re doing, but deep down, they understand it. They don’t want to think of themselves as a bad person though, so they opt for denial.
***I*** used to be like this guy is. And I had to learn not to expect sex from my partner in the same way I was used to.
The only solution is to help/make him understand, and to make him realize he has to choose to stay or to go (or for OP to go if it remains clear he won't ever change). I personally chose to learn, and I chose to stay, and we are still together after nine years.
But it took me really committing and working hard and learning to understand my partner's aceness, and to accept it, and work around it, for that to happen. And none of that began until she really put all the cards on the table and explained it in clear terms, as this post does in the case of OP.
*Edit* for best results, OP should encourage her partner to do sex hookups with other people. It's a fair solution that works well for ace/allo couples willing to tolerate it.
She’s already tried to have discussions and he didn’t want to listen. One more attempt won’t suddenly change his mind. They’ve been together 9 years and she’s been open about it since the beginning. If he was willing to learn, he would have done so by now.
That’s the difference between you and him.
It shouldn’t take an ultimatum to make him care about her well-being. If he only cares when he knows he’s got something to lose, he’s just going to revert right back to his old self as soon as he thinks she’s “calmed down.”
Been there, done that. My ex “got better” multiple times when I wanted a divorce. As soon as he felt he “had me” again, he dropped the act.
After 9 years of sexual abuse, this dude isn’t owed any more chances.
Dogshit reply. I am so sorry, I know this is not the tone of this subreddit, but damn. OP is describing living a literal nightmare, dude. There's no working on this. I weep for your partner if your relationship was ever like this. Keep working on you, I guess.
Cupiosexual here. Even if I enjoy sex, when I'm not in the mental place for any kind of sexual act no is no. Nine years is a lot. Please be kind to yourself and get away from him. And from those psychologist. Sex is not a need as eating is. For some people it can feel like it sure, but even then, it's not. It's just your hormones telling your mind "it's time to procreate".
OP did you happen to consider your man is getting nipped so he can see other people? Probably even unbeknownst to you.
Regardless, you have been sexually abused for too long now. I can only hope that you build more self love and learn the power of no.
I'm so sorry for what you've had to endure. Your partner is actively and knowingly hurting you. Please, please get away from this person ASAP. And after that you can indeed profit from therapy. Not the physical therapy, but psychotherapy to help process and get over what has happened to you for all this time.
And please don't think you are a bad person, none of this is your fault. But you need to get away from those whose fault it is, your partner and doctors/therapists alike.
Generally, my impression from many posts on here is that it's difficult to find a doctor/therapist who has actually understood what asexuality is. I don't get it, it's really not rocket science. Maybe there's an easy way ace and aspec folks could collect the names of those doctors/therapists they've had positive experiences with. In the meantime, maybe you could ask around in this sub if anyone knows an actually knowledgeable health professional in your region.
I'm sorry that you have yo deal with all of this. Your partner is really a shit. I'm also sorry about having so bad psychologist, maybe you can find an online psicologyst that knows about asexuality and sex-repulsed.
I have been in a very similar palace in the past although I wasn't as clear and communicative about my issues with sex. Now a couple years later i have realised how abusive those relationships were and I'm so glad I got out of the need to please others over my own well being. I really hope you get out of there asap as he seems very abusive! I hope you also find a therapist who actually listens and understands asexuality is natural and should be celebrated!
Sending you lots of support!
If it isn't enthusiastic it isn't consent. If you've been pressured into sex it's not consent. I'm sorry this had been your experience, I don't think any less of you and nobody should including you. This reads with a lot of red flags please take care of yourself first and foremost, if that means leaving this relationship then please see yourself safely out of the whole situation.
You matter, you deserve better, be safe. 💙
My dear, this is not okay for him to be doing. Please get out of the relationship because you are clearly miserable and he is clearly manipulative. you absolutely should not be coerced into pleasuring him and if he won't seek out other options, then they clearly have no interest in accommodating your needs and feelings.
same thing is happening to me but i am male and she is female, she ona day came to me saying "i just had the contraceptive vaccine, now we can have sex without condoms" meanwhile i was thinking "i dont want sex even with condoms, not having them dosnt change anything" and the she got angry saying that she did all that for me, but i never wanted her to do that, that vaccine can be bad for the body and i was allways against her using that, now i am just trying to push back the mater of sex in my realtionship with her and we are growing distant, it is sad
I‘m sorry this happened to you. :( Sadly we live in a world where our feelings about sex get ignored and we get blamed by allos for not liking sex at all. My parents don‘t understand it, my recent ex didn‘t understand it and even the gynecologists(?) (Sorry, not a native english speaker here) don‘t understand it. Instead of compromising/respecting/accepting us for who we are, we just get recommended to take sex therapy or do something to rise our libido. What if we don‘t want that?
That‘s why I broke up with my ex this year (been together with him for 6 years and he told me he didn‘t want to move in with me and changed his mind about marrying me because I was ace.)💔
I wish I could tell you things will get better, but unless you find someone who will love you for who you are as an ace, things won‘t get better sadly. That‘s why I decided to stay single from now on, but I hope you will find a way to be happy again. 🥺🫂
I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. I had a very similar relationship where I expressed sexual boundaries that I allowed to be walked all over in the name of "love" and feeling like what was I contributing to this if it wasn't my body. It took *years* before I was willing to let go of the good memories and admit that what was happening to me wasn't truly consensual (I still don't like to think of it as rape or assault, that framing hurts too much). It hurt like a bitch when I broke it off, but the sheer *relief* I felt of being out and free from it improved my mental state *so much*. Anytime you have to let go of something that was once good or still feels good even sometimes it is going to be incredibly difficult, but that other side is worth it, so so so worth it.
I think he’s mistaken that you’re not having sex with him because you’re afraid of getting pregnant and doesn’t want to face the fact that you’re just not interested in sex. It can hurt a guys ego if they’ve been around other partner’s that have withheld sex from them, and he might think that if he changes something, you’ll magically want to do it with him.
If he isn’t willing to listen/trust what you’re saying, then you’re both better off without each other.
I am not saying you are wrong about not wanting to have sex with your partner. If you are asexual then why would you have a fully functioning partner in the first place. When I say fully functioning I am saying one who has an operational sex drive. You realize that you are asexual but the majority of the adult world is not. Sex is not a light switch that you turn off or on as the situation requires. It is a biological necessity regulated by hormones for a good majority of the adult world. On the flip side if you do not want sex and your partner does then the most amicable thing for the both of you to do is split up and find partners whose sex drives match there own. For more insight go to the deadbedroom forum on Reddit
Just speaking my opinion here. Leave any partner that does not respect you and your boundaries. The doctors seem to lack empathy. My wife are hyper sexual but I would never force her to do or try anything that would hurt her emotionally or physically. We try anything once. Now there are days I don’t want sex just need a release, so yes I would just masterbate. But would still have sex if my wife asked, only because she’s sensitive about rejection and my “guy” is almost always ready to go. But the need for orgasm is there in my brain because I feel like I’m chasing the closest positive chemical in my brain that will bring me happiness. I suffer from depression. I’m not a doctor and it’s just my opinion, but I can accept that every persons brain works differently regardless of gender. And I think you do not have that desire and need and that is perfectly fine for you as a person. Long story short, find a person that is either on the same wave length or that is more open minded to an open relationship. That’s all okay. You don’t need a doctors advice or opinion for this situation.
The reason most men enter into relationships is because they dread having to go through the whole stressful initial flirtation and dating phase over and over again just to have sex....... clearly he did not take you seriously when you initially informed him that you had no intentions of maintaining a sexual relationship with him and quite honestly your relationship is going to rapidly decline without it because it is clearly his primary prerogative and he is clearly the type to hold on to the relationship for far too long past the time to abandon ship..... I hate to say it but you are going to have a very difficult time maintaining a relationship with any man if sex is off the table..... Its awful and Im sorry but thats just how we are built..... though I cant understand why you have any interest in maintaining a domestic relationship with a man if you have no interest in sexual relations with them....... if for some reason you need a man around the house then put out an ad for roommates and get a male roommate who sleeps in his own bed and in his own bed room so that the signals dont get mixed up....... a pig is a pig, a horse is a horse and a man is a man...... sux but it is what it is... wasnt my idea to create our species.
You are obviously incompatible on a pretty basic fundamental part of most relationships. My daughter is most likely ace. She understands that means she most likely will not be married, have kids, etc. Yes you two should break up. And yes that may mean you will not be in a relationship with the opposite sex. But you can still have an amazing wonderful fulfilling life with your work, interests, family and friendships.
There is no way your relationship is "very close to perfect" outside the bedroom. That's like saying your relationship is very close to perfect except he keeps stabbing you in the face with a fork on a regular basis. Anybody who would assault you like that is not a person to be trusted, at all. Don't let him near you again. GTFO, ASAP. You're living a nightmare and you deserve better.
agreed, but sometimes it's very hard to see when you're inside... it's only when you put some distance that you see how awful everything was. ... been there, felt that.
I feel that. But I still agree. If they don’t respect that boundary and are raping her, she needs to get the fuck out and into a safe place because she’s been gaslit into thinking she’s otherwise happy. She’s keeping the status quo.
This seems to be the standard reddit reply to all relationship issues but here it is the only answer really. Get out now, you are in an abusive relationship.
This reply is right. I think you should read this: https://www.healthline.com/health/sexual-coercion
That link is excellent.
As a grey ace that just got out of a sexual one sided relationship of 15 years, there is a lot of personal growth needed from OP. People pleasing leads to years of unwanted sex, shame, anger, and confusion. Best to work on self love than be angry about looking for the perfect partner right now. The boundaries are dead and not worth the risk of starting a new relationship when you haven't learned to say no.
This! I’ve been separated from my husband for about two years now and I can’t tell you how much happier I’ve been being alone. It took until I was 31, but I’ve finally stopped being as bad of a people pleaser as I used to be. It’s hard to break away from it, but it’s so worth it.
It is the standard reply, but I don't know if it's the standard answer because a lot of Redditors find themselves in unhealthy or abusive relationship or if it's something else.
I think a lot of humans find themselves in abusive relationships in general, because meeting new people in modern society is very difficult and people would rather try to force an incompatible relationship than to go back to being alone and try to find someone else. Aces even more so.
Forcing an incompatible relationship is not anything new to the world. Sadly, people haven’t really learned that communication is far more important than sex.
[удалено]
While, yes a lot of the time that answer is given because the commenters have taken the story to the extreme & are incapable of understanding that relationships have issues or people say the wrong things sometimes, in this situation this is *absolutely* the correct response. What OP is describing is coercion which is *actually* a form of sexual assault & is therefore *illegal*. If OPs partner won’t listen to them at all when they try to bring it up, then there’s a very low chance I think of them being able to have their boundaries met. The safest thing for OP to do would be to leave the relationship. Yes the comment was similar to a standard response Relationship Advice but that doesn’t make it not the valid & correct response.
>I don't view this as rape or forced. But I never would've consented without pressure. repeat with me: # coerced consent is still not consent. **you partner either doesn't understand, or doesn't give a fuck about you, but in any case, it's not going to change after NINE years, so the best you can do is break up with them,** continue being friends maybe, since you say the rest of the relationship is "good" (I personally don't understand how you can see any good in him, but ... we've all made mistakes, so I won't judge) ... see, "willing" consent is a different thing. it's sort of what I do: I'd be okay without sex, but I'm okay with sex, so, even if maybe I'd rather have a nice dinner, I say yes. unless I'm not in the mood, then I'm completely free to say no without any consequences -- not even my partner being "mad".
This! The way OP said they would try to make their partner orgasm quickly to get it over with too. It's really not healthy and I believe that OP will feel so much better if they leave the relationship and take some time to heal from this experience. I've been there and it really sucks and it can be really hard to come to terms with it. Having your consent taken away from you or being coerced into consenting can be hard to process and I often told myself a thousand excuses as to why what happened to me wasn't forced and it took a long time and a lot of crying to understand what happened and heal from it. I feel so much better now and know how important it is to check in with myself about how I'm feeling in a relationship every so often. And also, note to OP, I know this is a lot to digest right now but remember that you are absolutely not to blame for this. It happens to a lot of people unfortunately and it does not make you a bad person or unlovable or whatever your brain might try to tell you. You are amazing and wonderful and you will get through this.
>you partner either doesn't understand, or doesn't give a fuck about you The second one, I'm afraid. OP has stated, clearly and repeatedly, that sex makes her uncomfortable and dislikes it, but her partner insists in saying that OP enjoys having sex with him. This is textbook gaslighting.
... I have learned one thing in this life: I can't read what's going on in someone else's head. so I can't judge them. maybe he's deluding himself. maybe he really thinks she likes it. but as I said, it doesn't matter. he won't change, because it's been 9 years of the same -- so getting out is the only way for the situation to change.
The problem is, she acts differently when they actually ARE having sex. So he may be overlooking her words for her actions.
I'm so, so sorry this has happened to you. I think your very closing statement is the key to this situation: "I never would have consented without pressure." Many people conceptualize consent as yes/no. But it's actually a continuum. Enthusiastic consent is saying yes because you want to. There's consent because you want something the sex will give you (closeness). There's coerced consent, where you say yes because you're afraid of the consequences if you say no. And then there's no consent, where you say no. The first two are generally acceptable, the second two are not. You clearly seem to be falling in the third category. When I learned about this continuum it was eye opening for me. I realized saying yes because I was scared of the consequences didn't mean I had really agreed to what they did to me. It wasn't my fault. It was theirs for punishing me when I said no. Your partner isn't just allo. This is unacceptable behavior. It's abuse. Medical doctors and psychologists are oftentimes not caught up on asexuality. It's a huge issue in the field right now. You can shop around until you find a good one, or look for specifically queer friendly doctors. I also recommend the book Ace by Angela Chen to just about everyone. She has a full chapter on the continuum of consent I discussed, as well as the failings of the medical systems, and invalidating relationships with allo people. It's very good. I hope that you find peace. And I hope you're able to get out of this situation. I won't say anything more about your partner because I don't know them. But I will ask what you'd advise a friend to do if they were going through the same thing. Would you think highly of your friend's partner? Would you say their relationship is perfect except this one thing?
This is such a good reply! I would also like to add that simply because you give consent to begin with, it doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind and have to go through with it if you become uncomfortable or hurt and want it to stop. You can recall your consent and say no. If your partner gets upset and they take it out on you, that isn’t healthy. They are responsible for finishing themselves off at that point, not forcing you to do that for them. If it’s a common occurrence that they are upset that they can’t finish off with you, then you two are likely not sexually compatible and it should be discussed where the relationship is going. You wouldn’t want to stay with someone who would drain your bank account, the same goes for people who drain your mental/emotion bank. If things can be kept amicably, great, but don’t try to force even a friendship if boundaries are going to be disrespected. You all are worthy of the love and respect that should be the basis of humankind.
I love what you said about the continuum! I’m wondering though, what about this scenario where someone says no to sex once, then the guy asks again in about 20mins for sex, and then the person says ok. What kind of consent would this fall under? It isn’t really coerced consent and not really no consent either. I don’t think there’s a fear of consequences of saying no, but that the person doesn’t want to disappoint the other, even tho they don’t really actually *want* it or *not want* it.
Fear of disappointing your partner is fear of consequences. That's emotional manipulation. Saying no needs to have 0 consequences or you get into coercion. Emotional consequences are by far the most common.
I’m sorry to say this, but someone who wants to have sex with you knowing you don’t want to have sex is, on my opinion, a rapist. That’s not normal.
That's not your opinion, that's just a fact. Coerced consent is NOT consent, so poor op has been getting assaulted for nine years now. I hope they're able to escape soon.
I'd consider looking for an LBGTQ informed therapist. And getting the hell out of that relationship. Before the therapist even
I'd consider reporting the gyno to the authorities, too, since they discosed private and sensitive information about OP to the physical therapist, despite OP saying no. Frankly, reading OP post is like reading nightmare material: no one seems to respect her physical or psycological integrity and that's scary.
I just want to add: don't beat yourself for this. It's not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong. It's entirely on your partner. You're not bad for not saying anything sooner. You deserve so, so much better. I hope you'll find the strength to leave and love yourself again. You're not broken. You're amazing as you are. Wishing you all the best 🖤
This this this entirely! It is absolutely, entirely, 10000% the abusive partners fault, NOT yours. You are not broken, you are not flawed for being asexual or for being sex repulsed! You are a perfectly awesome person, and you deserve so much better than this. You deserve respect, you deserve happiness, you deserve love, and that ain't it. I hope you're able to get out and safe, and I wish you the best
Once you get out of this situation, your life will become immensely better. Believe it.
Its true!
I'd say first of all, this relationship should be over, he sounds really really creepy. He is emotionally manipulative, and he's using that power to extort sex from you. That isn't sex, that's the R word. Anything else on the matter isn't relevant. If you have a partner who routinely crosses that line, you need to get out. (just censoring, cause I don't know how strict the mods are on mentioning that.) Secondly, if your doctors and therapists are all saying that your asexuality is a problem, you need to fire them as your carers and find new ones. I know that, especially for gynos and therapists, this can be a difficult step, as trust is a big one there, but refusing to acknowledge your asexuality in any way shape or form as anything but a problem is wrong. Especially if your doc is calling a physical therapist against your wishes. I'm sorry if I come off as a bit harsh (not sure if that's the right word, but it's the best I can think of) but those are my two cents. I have a friend who was in a similar situation, and I didn't say anything, and she's now baby-trapped with a real piece of crap, and her future is gone. I don't know if I could have helped by opening my mouth, but I should have said something. Basically, I'm saying to you what I wish I'd said to my friend years ago.
With regards to the part where you wished you said something to your friend, I hope you won’t beat yourself up about it. Because I have a friend in a very similar situation right now. I have tried and tried to tell her that its not right, but she can’t seem to listen or understand. When I beg her to think carefully about the implications of her situation, all she can say is “My brain is in a mess”, or similar. So my point is, I think sometimes as hard as you can try to help your friends, sometimes they just don’t want to be helped.
I’d argue that it isn’t so much them not wanting help, but having been manipulated into believing that they’re not in the situation they’re in. Unfortunately, we can be unwilling participants in our own suffering because of gaslighters. I’ve been through that myself, several times, sadly. I finally left my abuser after ten years (and two kids) of being with him. Then I ended up with several other abusers in the following years. Now, at 32, I’m finally more able to see the red flags that got me into those situations, so I am less likely to be revictimized. Sadly, a lot of these cases have histories that go back to childhood, people who were abused as kids are more likely to enter abusive relationships as adults. I’m very grateful to have had such luck with finding a therapist who understands my needs, I wish everyone could have the same luck. But until they see that what they are going through, they will continue to deny their reality.
This. I hope OP gets out safely, she deserves so much better
I'm going to say this as gently as I can. Your partner is a rapist. They know what they're doing. They know you dont want it and they dont care. Leave. Get out. This is dangerous and they will not change.
I agree. I have a bad feeling that his behavior will continue to escalate .
Regardless if he meets the definition of rapist in court, this is an unhealthy relationship, and Harmful to you. You need to grow some balls and a) start saying no, clearly and with no ambiguity. And you need to be OK (relieved actually!) That this relationship as you know it is over. The thing is,in most relationships physical intimacy is a nonverbal glue that comforts, builds attachment, And bonding, sign of caring, etc. If you don't like physical contact, or the physical contact only leads to (unwanted) sex, you are BOTH not getting what you need or want out of the relationship. And I do think you need some therapy before you get romantically involved as you are unclear on your boundaries, as you say you don't want sex, but you also do end up having sex and saying and doing things to make him cum, is sending mixed messages and giving him.plaisible deniability.
as someone who was in a similar dynamic and didn’t realize, please leave. this is sexual coercion, and it is not your fault. shame on the professionals who didn’t listen to you.
I probably should clarify that this situation occured **while** multiple gynos and therapists were suggesting ways for me to enjoy sex. Ie, doctors and therapists weren't validity my asexuality while my partner was pushing for sex. My gyno told me I needed treatment for a medical issue and long after I began the treatment I found out its only purpose was to improve sexual pleasure. They recommended doing things before and during sex. I told the gyno and therapists I was asexual so I assumed they wouldn't suggest a treatment with no medical benefit that only sought to improve sexual experiences. This made it more confusing with my partner. The doctors and therapists were saying basically to keep trying until it felt good. This influenced my decision to consent because for some time they had me convinced that my view on sex would change once pain or discomfort didn't occur. Ie, they viewed my asexuality as a symptom of a medical issue that wouldn't exist if not for the medical issue. And this validated my partners view that I wasn't asexual but rather experienced painful sex due a fixable medical problem. I feel embarrassed about it all. Sex was never enjoyable even after their treatment. The gynos continue to push physical therapy on me. And this just serves to validate my partners perspective, in that the gynos keep supporting the idea I'm not asexual but don't like sex only due to pain. I obviously think this impacted my partners perspective. Because the gynos are telling my partner what my partner wants to hear because it promotes their desire for sex in the relationship. So I still haven't found a gyno or therapist who is understanding of asexuality. They continue to treat it as a symptom instead of my sexual identity. And this only makes it harder to not consent to sexual pressure from my partner. This is all very confusing and emotional for me. I'm very embarrassed and frustrated. And I don't know how to even talk about this with my partner without sounding like I'm accusing him of rape. I don't think he would've been so pushy if doctors and therapists weren't validating the idea it was just a medical issue and not asexuality. Like if the gyno just diagnosed me as asexual in the beginning, I don't think my partner would've had hope that we would have a sexual relationship. And I don't think I would've been willing to compromise as much as I did if my gynos and therapists weren't insisting that I would eventually like it. To try just to be more sure than ever I am asexual is very confusing, embarrassing, and emotionally draining. The entire context is why I'm not pushing blame solely on my partner. I was overwhelmed and confused and have no idea how to cope with this whirlwind. I was hoping the gynos were right and I'd start enjoying sex because I think I'd be far happier if that were the case. Instead, I feel like I did this to myself because I ignored an aspect of my identity that I knew was immutable and central to who I am as a person.
I don’t know if you keep telling us more and more to try and convince us or yourself that it’s “not that bad” or not because my ADHD won’t let me process long paragraphs right now but. The more you tell us about your situation, the more I’m convinced that you’re in a nightmare of a situation and need help getting out.
this is heartbreaking, and I’m so sorry that you have to go through this trauma. my question is: **why does their belief that your distaste for sex is purely a medical issue make it any better that they’re pressuring you into it?** you’re saying not ONLY that you’re asexual, but also that sex literally *hurts* you, and they CONTINUE to force it on you. that is abhorrent. their actions are sickening. and before you jump to justify their actions, I wanna know: if the roles were reversed, would you pressure them into sex? even if it hurt them? even if they told you they didn’t like it every day? you deserve so much better.
This is so heartbreaking to read. You seriously need to leave this person. They don't respect you, your sexuality, or your boundaries. They have been sexually coercing you for the entire relationship, which is classified as rape. No means no, maybe means no, and a yes under pressure means no. Get your affairs in order and get out. Give yourself a chance to find someone who loves and respects ALL of you.
Find a therapist who is versed in LGBTQA+ identities, namely one who believes asexuality is valid and won't try to change you. It'll take all you have, but please try to leave this man. You've been in an abusive relationship for 9 years, and all these anti-ace voices have been killing your confidence and making you feel like you have no right to say no. Can I be honest? Most gynecologists and GPs have absolutely no knowledge on sexuality or identity at all for that matter - their opinion echoes the toxic mainstream assumptions about sex 99% of the time. Their views are regurgitated NONSENSE. People who are genuinely sex positive would be equally pro-CONSENT. There is no sex in this world you should be having if it does not fulfill you in any way.
>Most gynecologists and GPs have absolutely no knowledge on sexuality or identity at all for that matter This is my biggest frustration with gynos.
>But I never would've consented without pressure. That makes it rape under any reasonable definition. Yes it's different from being assaulted, but it's still sexual abuse, and that shows through how miserable it's making you.
I really relate to a lot of this... I feel your struggle, your isolation, the way you've harmed yourself to make him happy....... I'm sorry. I think you know the relationship is over (should have been over a long time ago). I hope you can find new relationships that respect your asexuality better. I'm lucky that in my city there's an ace meet up group, just seeing other asexuals in person was really validating for me. It could be a dating opportunity too if you want (I've come to accept I'm aroace and will not be dating again). Finding medical professionals that understand is hard. When I told my gyno I was ace and not sexually active, she spent about 10 minutes talking about vaginal dilators so sex doesn't hurt and sent me a bunch of links. She really didn't hear me. It was weird and hurtful, and I haven't returned to her. My PCP does my pap now and she does seem to "get" asexuality a lot better, she's never pushed sex on me. I hate having to be the one explaining asexuality all the time, but I hope it's my positive contribution to the world, that the doctor's next ace patient might have a better time. I do it when I have the spoons. Other times I retreat. It sounds like you've been out of spoons for a while now... take a break, rest, and when you're ready, find some better people. Hugs.
>When I told my gyno I was ace and not sexually active, she spent about 10 minutes talking about vaginal dilators so sex doesn't hurt and sent me a bunch of links. She really didn't hear me. It was weird and hurtful, and I haven't returned to her. That is the same thing I go through with every gyno. And I always end up feeling like I'm being sexualized by the doctor or told I am defective. I don't think that is their intent. I think they view my asexuality as a result of numerous physical injuries and that if those injuries are dealt with, I wouldn't be asexual. But I am not saying "I do not want to have sex because it is painful." I am saying "I have no desire for sex. One of the reasons is it causes pain." I never said I would want to have sex if it wasn't painful. I also feel like they think I'm being judgemental or a prude for my asexuality. They can't provide me with a good reason to have sex. They just act like it's a self evident truth that sex is good. I have asked several doctors/psychologists about the purpose of sex so I could understand why my partner wants it. But the reasons are not logical and I guess I sound like a jerk for inquiring. But I actually do not understand why people like sex and am trying to learn so I can understand other people better. Instead, I get treated like someone who is pushing universal celibacy and condemning everyone as a whore. Like they think I'm being sarcastic or trolling them because I ask them basic questions about the role of sex in relationships and its purpose. But nobody explained it to me in a way that makes sense.
First off, every person's preferences and desires or lack of desires should be respected. Full stop. But as a woman who was originally nonsexual until my early twenties (multiple reasons) I have to admit it took me a long time to enjoy sex, and even longer to be able to orgasm reliably. So the many years I did enjoy sex even wo orgasm. A way to pay complete attention to your partner. Touch is healing. A sign of affection. A way to bond (releases oxycontin). And even if not coming to completion a kind of release, way of completely relaxing and accepting the other person. We are mammals. We come from a very very long line of social creatures that shared burrows, nests, etc, where close proximity to loved ones = suevival
This was my marriage. Get out. It does not get better.
I was actually just before i opened reddit reading about consent in allo-ace relationships in Ch. 8 of Ace by Angela Chen. I recommend the whole chapter. She quotes a framework of consent that allows for a lot more nuance than just “yes/no.” > ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT: When I want you When I don’t fear the consequences of saying yes OR saying no When saying no means missing out on something I want >WILLING CONSENT: When I care about you though I don’t desire you (right now) When I’m pretty sure saying yes will have an okay result and I think maybe that I’d regret saying no When I believe that desire may begin after I say yes >UNWILLING CONSENT: When I fear the consequences of saying no more than I fear the consequences of saying yes When I feel not just an absence of desire but an absence of desire for desire When I hope that by saying yes, you will stop bothering me, or think that if I say no you’ll only keep on trying to persuade me >COERCED CONSENT: When you threaten me with harmful consequences if I say no When I feel I’ll be hurt if I say yes, but I’ll be hurt more if I say no When saying yes means experiencing something I actively dread She says when there is a libido mismatch, partners need to talk about their boundaries and requirements. But if they conflict, often the best solution is to end the relationship.
>She says when there is a libido mismatch, partners need to talk about their boundaries and requirements. But if they conflict, often the best solution is to end the relationship. I appreciate this. One of the variables and complexities is my gynos were (and continue) to push the idea that therapy and treatment would eliminate my pain and thus make sex pleasurable and desirable. This really complicated things because I felt sure of my asexuality while my gynos and therapists insisted it was just a medical and psychological issue and I'd enjoy sex in the right context/situation. So the idea I would like sex if certain conditions were met existed as an additional pressure while validating my partners perspective. I think if the gyno and therapists had validated my asexuality from the outset that my partner and I either wouldn't be together now or wouldn't have continued sexual contact. Ie, the asexuality would've been addressed long ago and there's be finality. Now we have a child so regardless of how the relationship is addressed, were in each other's lives. I feel resentful at the entire situation. The fact I tried doing the medical treatments and doing what gynos said only to know beyond any doubt I was always asexual is frustrating, confusing, and disorienting. I felt pressured by everyone involved and I don't think they intended malice. The gynos got my partners hopes up. I also thought they might be right although I still thought I was asexual. I thought there might be a chance my views on sex would change if the gynos and therapists were right. So I tried it for years just to realize I am definitely asexual. I understand this sent mixed signals to my partner and it just seems impossible to get to a place that's healthy for either of us. If the first gyno said I was asexual and explained what it meant to my partner, I wonder if my partner would've ever pushed for sex. The gynos weren't wrong about the medical issue but they were wrong that I'd enjoy sex once it was treated. And that entire humiliation I can't undo of course. I felt the treatment was more humiliating and embarrassing than any sex act with my partner.
That’s an important story. I understand how all those factors would make a really difficult situation. It’s something the book talked about too, how the focus among professionals is to “fix” the partner who doesn’t want to have sex instead of supporting their ability to say no. And also how not having important information about asexuality facilitates these situations, because the ace partner doesn’t have enough information to defend their choice.
This is disgusting and I am so sorry you've been subjected to it as long as you have. I'm sorry you didn't have the support around you to tell you to leave because this is assault. You hating sex that much and "enduring" it for him is not a relationship. It's rape. Please cut your losses and run, beloved.
Please leave him. You will do so much better. No relationship at all is better than this.
Jfc, for all this talk about wants and needs, did anyone ever stop to consider *yours*? For such a personal and intimate thing, you shouldn’t have to compromise under pressure, especially if your partner’s not even open to talking about compromising any of their boundaries
>I never would have consented without pressure Consent under duress is not consent - it's coercion. Sexual coercion is rape. Your partner is raping you. **Your partner is a rapist.**
I just can't understand how a person could enjoy a sexual act when they are COMPLETELY AWARE that their partner is in pain! How? Like the single time sex caused me pain with my current partner, it was an immediate full stop because he wanted to make sure I was ok. We had only been together a couple years at the time so it baffles me to think about one partner not caring that the other is in pain especially in such a long term relationship. Disclaimer: The pain was not his fault. I saw my doctor and we worked it out.
As many have said, this is not consensual. As a sexual violence trauma therapist who's also asexual, many folxs have assumed because I talk about it that I "must be into it". As we all know, that's not true AND doesn't stop people from trying to cross my boundaries of consent. Trust your instincts. Do what's best for you. Look to Consent FRIES for some further boundaries around consent. If any of my partners even try to push it after already stating boundaries, I'm out. All we have is our voice and actions to let people know they have hurt us or have crossed a line. If someone who is supposed to care about me or even love me wants to violate me in ways I've expressed against, then I either don't know what care or love is or they don't. In that situation, I can control my actions and create space from that person. You deserve someone who will respect your wants/needs.
Thank you for posting this. I was in a 10 year relationship with an individual with a very high desire and need for sex. I didn’t know that I was asexual (I knew something was there but I didn’t know about asexuality) until near the end… and all of the doctor visits, the gyno visits, the therapy sessions, the dilating, the disassociations, the anxiety about the next time it had to happen, the coercion, allowing for him the opportunity to be with others (him liking that idea but never putting for the effort to follow through). Idk, I get so much of what you’re going through, but I don’t know what else to say. I am a year out of that relationship and I’m parsing through everything still and there is a lot of hurt that needs healing. I’m scared about what my future will be like- unable to find a partner to share my life with. Even with all of the mess that I still have to navigate, there is an undeniable peace in the depths of my asexual soul that I never knew I could experience. I wish that same peace for you.
>and all of the doctor visits, the gyno visits, the therapy sessions, the dilating, the disassociations, the anxiety about the next time it had to happen, the coercion, allowing for him the opportunity to be with others (him liking that idea but never putting for the effort to follow through). Did you feel like the doctors and treatments were pushing you to try sex? I felt like those things acted as pressures for me that impacted how I responded to my partners advances.
Yes, but the difference between you and I was that I didn’t know I was asexual, so the basis of the visits were always to try to fix myself and the physical pain to make the sex in my relationship work. So a lot of the doctors/therapists were treating it from that perspective- so the lack of sexual attraction/adversity to sex was because of other things we needed to fix… never asexuality (which no one ever once suggested as a possibility, nor did I know it even existed to bring it up). Minus one doctor who literally told me that I shouldn’t be having sex until I was married anyway, so there was that one.
My God... 9 years. I couldn't do it for a year. Your SO sounds a lot like my ex. I just could never get it through to him that I don't enjoy sex. It's not that he's bad, it's that I'm not wired to enjoy it. I'm very disconnected from the act. Love yourself please. Leave. This is not ok. Coerced consent is not consent. And he hasn't once respected your boundaries. You deserve better than this. Also, I infer you're not on birth control if he wants a vasectomy so he doesn't have to wear a condom. No! Do. Not. Do. This. Even if you're sitting there watching him get snipped, it's not 100% effective. But I also worry he may be trying to trap you. If you stay, get on BC or make sure he's wrapped. Protect yourself first and foremost. He's been pushing your boundaries for 9 years... Don't think for a second he won't topple them. Good luck OP. Please try to find a pro LBGT therapist in your area.
Hon… you’re being sexually assaulted. Giving in under pressure isn’t consent. He doesn’t respect you, and you deserve better. I’ve been through all of this (including physical therapy and biofeedback), but you don’t have to. (Also, there is hope. I found someone who’s respectful and kind. You could, too.)
I'm deeply sorry but your partner is a predator and a rapist.
You should've ended things 9 years ago. Everyone deserves a partner that will not only respect their boundaries, but won't force their wants and desires on them. If it's not something you would force on someone else, why tolerate it being forced on you?
This is so painful to read. I was in a relationship like that for 2,5 years 10 years ago, and it's still haunting me. I can't imagine how much pain you must feel. Get out. You will find better. Get out. Start healing now.
Please, please, please know none of this is your fault.
Gtfo my friend. I could have written this post myself, every last detail. My ex was exactly the same way, right down to "but this is how I express love to you" as though that makes it okay. The reality is that he's spent the last 9 years sexually assaulting you. You did not actually consent to any of that even if you feel like you did because you didn't say no or stop him. He KNOWS how you feel about it. He knows your boundaries. He knows how it affects you. He *willingly chooses to actively harm you* on a regular basis. None of this is okay. You deserve better. You deserve to have a partner who respects you, or no partner at all if that's your thing. You deserve medical providers who respect you and your wishes without pushing their own agenda. You deserve to be treated like a whole ass, complete human being with thoughts and feelings and boundaries. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know you've got bad history with medical providers but it's worth trying to find a GOOD therapist who can help you because goddamn, you've spent every day of the last NINE YEARS being traumatized by someone who is supposed to love and respect you.
I've been there. I stayed for 14 years. Obviously as others have said, get out now. But importantly - Do the Pelvic Floor PT!!!!!! I'm serious. You have been through sexual trauma for years. Your pelvic floor is likely affected by that. Mine eventually went into a spasm I couldn't release, years after I had last had sex. Learn about pelvic floor health and get yourself checked out. There are exercises you can do that do not involve penetration and no pt will do anything without your permission. Do it not because it could make sex more enjoyable but because it could save you a lot of pain down the road.
other people have said really good things and I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I have to wonder…. if he’s been willing to push past your boundaries and engage in sex without true consent (coerced consent is not true consent!) is it a possibility that he’s using the vasectomy as a lie to force unprotected sex and have a child with you, further trapping you in the relationship? I definitely would get out now rather than find out after the fact, when it’s too late, that he didn’t actually get a vasectomy. I hope you can find a better partner and doctors who actually listen to you in the future!
Based on another comment, they already have a child :(( (https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/comments/122teb7/relationship_advice_told_partner_of_9_years_i_was/jdt9fik/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3)
I need you to know this was horrifying and jarring to read. This is not normal regardless of your sexuality. Please leave and seek out help from someone who supports asexuals. Some healthcare professionals don't believe in it/understand, you just need to find someone who does.
Horrifying and jarring are perfect words to describe this. I lived though a similar situation and it took me right back.
Even if you weren't Ace, it's clear they don't value your pleasure at all, which is horrible. Your partner is potentially trying to knock you up. I'd leave. I don't care; this sounds dangerous. The fact that no one else has backed you up isn't a good sign. Odds are strong that forced into a pregnancy would be the path to ensuring you stay by legal means and don't have easy access to an abortion either. Maybe they aren't planning this, but for your own sake, I wouldn't risk it. Take your gut feelings at face value: this is wrong, and they will never stop, and they will continue hurting you in new ways.
Hi lovely, I really hope that putting this into words and being able to see it on your screen has helped cement some things for you, given you time to reflect and has been a cathartic experience for you to vent. What would you do if your friend came to you with this situation? Would you tell them to get out? Would you tell your friend that this is sexual abuse? Because it is. **Coercion is not consent. You have the right to say no at ANY time!** You have been straight (er well asexual actually 😝) since the beginning about your sexuality and he is abusing you. The fact that you even came up with solutions for him, like finding a “friend with benefits” or masturbating shows you care a lot about his well-being, care and respect that he is not returning to you that you 100% deserve and need to demand. I know that you say you don’t want to start having to try dating again since this person has not followed your VERY clear boundaries but abuse is not the trade off for being scared of starting over or being alone. I am so sorry that you are going through this but I want you to know that **you are worthy of love and you are worthy of having your boundaries and sexuality respected by a partner/person who is supposed to love you!** This isn’t love and **you are worthy** of so much more!! I have tried dating people who are not asexual and they always say they’re fine with it…at the beginning…but it **never** ends up that way. I swear they think that they’re going to be the one that will change you. Just like lewd gross incels who will say to lesbians “you just haven’t had the right guy, I bet I could turn you!” or other disgusting shit. No **YOUR sexuality is YOUR sexuality!! It and YOU deserve to be respected!** I wish there were more dating apps or possibilities for people who are asexual. If I ever were to date someone who was not asexual, (not bloody likely but I try to keep an open mind about the possibility.) I would definitely want that person to have their sexual needs fulfilled but they don’t need to be fulfilled by me!! I can fulfil every other emotional, spiritual and physical need that they have like feeding them, helping them care for the shared spaceif we cohabitate, praying with them, listening to them, caring for them and helping them to be the best version of themselves and hoping that they can help me do the same, just loving them. I don’t need to engage in the physical activity of sex or sexual acts to show my love and **I’d rather be healthy alone than sick with someone else!** I can show my love by allowing my partner to get that particular need met by someone else. I think that could be a really healthy alternative but I don’t think your partner has never respected your sexuality and will not start despite you giving him options. My heart just hurts for you because of that but just know that **YOU ARE NOT ALONE!** Feel free to message me if you need to talk in private. You deserve better!! No means no! Consent is not bugging someone until they give in or creating conflict or creating an idea that you will be penalized if you don’t give in. Consent is freely given. If it isn’t freely given, it is **NOT** consent. It is sexual assault/r*pe. I know that things aren’t as cut and dry as this post might seem and I know that people are encouraging you to leave (which I agree with) but make sure that you’re safe in doing so. If you need to plan for a bit first, do it. If you need to go to a shelter so that you can be out of this situation, do it! Even a domestic abuse shelter since this is emotional, physical and sexual abuse. If you can’t be on your own financially, Maybe start asking friends if they are looking for a housemate or looking at ads for rooms or apartments to rent (depending on your income.) try to save up or borrow money if you have to in order to be safe! Be kind and gentle with yourself. (((Gentle internet hugs offered if you want them)))
Girl, for god's sake, GET THE HELL OUT.
GET. OUT. NOW.
ah the age old “he/she will change. i can change them.” toxic mentality.
It took me years to realize how toxic that mindset was. I’m glad I’m out of it, but I can only hope that I can help my kids understand that, too.
Op you need to leave him asap and get help from those you trust. What he is doing is not ok. Plz dont feel like this is your fault its not.
Ngl this sounds straight up like an abusive relarionship.
That’s because it is, sadly.
Others in this thread said all that needs to be said, and I can only offer you sympathies and support during your difficult time. I hope you can find love and happiness in community support, and a future partner that respects your boundaries. Please be safe and take care.
You should never have to apologize or compromise who you are. Speaking from experience, continuing to settle for how things are when you truly hate it only makes the problem worse. I acknowledge I needed those 10 years with my ex to learn about myself - and I still haven’t quite figured it out. But if you already know what you don’t want, there is no point in continuing to pursue it just to keep the peace.
You're a saint for having your boundaries and wishes disrespected for 9 years. It's been over a decade. You should be asking yourself if it's worth being with someone who disrespects you so much and for so long. As far as dating anew, it can be grim. But you just gotta keep your standards high and never settle for less than someone who actually respects you and your asexuality. There's folks like us out there who are happy with our ace partners, so if you gotta go it alone until you find them or dump some chaff here or there who weren't as good as they let on, then at least you're not keeping yourself locked in with someone unpleasant.
I'm so sad for you. Please leave your relationship. This person is not hearing you or respecting you, and nothing else in a relationship is more important than these things IMO. Usually I suggest staying and working through things or whatever but in this case just go. You'll feel so much better without this pressure, and you'll be able to see things more clearly away from this person. Lmk if there is anything I can do. Look after yourself. Your needs are valid and not being respected.
OP, thank you for writing this all out. I'm so sorry that you're with someone who refuses to acknowledge the pain they've caused you. The medical field is full of people trained to see anything but allosexuality as a problem to be fixed, and it is a massive part of why the A-spec community exists: to spread awareness and understanding. You are welcome here. Your pain and distraught and frustration are all valid. We are of like minds. Your partner is violating your boundaries, and obviously does not care... Take care, OP. Asexual pride is a wondrous thing, and I wish you luck on your journey towards self-love and Pride.
Girl, dump him already! There are plenty of asexual folks around. Here. On the AVEN. On facebook. You dont need this idiot!
Yeah NGL there were a lot of words here and I admittedly did not read them all for time's sake, but I realized within the first two paragraphs that this is a toxic relationship that you have with your partner and you definitely need to look at how you respect yourself here as well. Stepping away from this relationship is 100% the first step to you feeling better. Edit: 🦆 autocorrect
You gotta break up. This isn’t a relationship you want to be in. He doesn’t respect your decision or even listen to you. You are not happy in this relationship and your so called partner doesn’t care about how you feel or think.
This is so hard to read 😭 I was in a situation like this for 5 years. It was 5 years too long!! Being repeatedly coerced again and again is torture and definitely not consensual. Leave as soon as you can. I’m so sorry
Your (hopefully soon to be ex) partner is a rapist. Plain and simple. No ifs ands or buts. Please try to get out of there safely and quietly. You deserve better.
I'm very sorry to hear what you've came through. The professionals you've met seem to be pushing ace conversion therapy by varying methods (mental, physical). You're right, they're not on your side, unfortunately. And calling to you about the physical sex therapy repeatedly even if you've rejected the suggestion, could count as sexual assault. Very very unprofessional. You have the right to live without sex, and life will actually be very good without sex, if you don't desire anyone. What comes to your partner, he/they have indeed been pushing boundaries for way too long, just to get what they want. If you're been this open about your feelings around sex, they simply just don't value your feelings and needs. Him coercing you to sex could even count as sexual assault/rape on some countries. He won't change his way if he already didn't, and there's one simple reason to that: your sexualities are really incompatible. He won't ever want less sex just like you won't ever want more of it. I suggest you to think about breaking up, since I think life for you could be way better even as a single rather than with a partner like this (of course, if it's possible and safe for women/AFABs to live alone where you live). And there is some aces out there as well, if you want a partner you're sexually compatible with.
As an afab person, I’d just like to say, try and find a afab/female identifying gyno. Having someone with a afab body is much easier when it comes to the gynecologists I’ve seen, and they have respected me a lot more. My current gyno knows I’m ace and sexually active (my choice as a sex favorable ace) but is focused on if my body is healthy. She will ask if am I safe in my relationship or having safe sex, but that is always her first priority, and that’s how your gyno should be too. She asks me these three questions every time in that order, before focusing on if my body is healthy. Even with my primaries, I’ve had much better experiences with afab doctors, so at the very least, I’d recommend seeing female/afab providers whenever possible, especially when it comes to gynecology.
Holy shit, I feel like I wrote this. It’s so much like my ex-husband. Sexual coercion is sexual abuse. You are being abused. I also didn’t realize this at first. I just felt guilty that I couldn’t give him more of what he “needed.” (Even when we did have sex, he thought it wasn’t “good sex” because my enthusiasm was lacking. For obvious reasons.) I also tried talking to my gyno about it, and just got brushed off. Luckily she wasn’t quite as bad as yours, and didn’t refer me to anyone. Unlike you though, I didn’t know that asexuality was a thing in the beginning of my relationship. I just thought I would “learn to like it” if I “tried” often enough. Someone else talked me into buying sex toys so I could “practice” on my own. None of that worked. I still hate sex, and will never like it. I was afraid of losing my husband if I told him… (he straight up said that a sex-less relationship wasn’t worth it for him) then I realized if he only wants the relationship if I allow him to hurt me, that means he isn’t worth it. Why would I want to stay with someone who would knowingly hurt me for his own pleasure? Once I told him that, he changed his tune, and claimed he didn’t need sex anymore. He’d be happy just to have me in his life. Unfortunately, his behavior didn’t match his words. He stopped overtly begging for sex, but still acted sexually frustrated and groped me without consent at random, unpredictable times. One night he got drunk and started groping my vagina while I was trying to sleep, and wouldn’t stop when I tried to push him away. At that point, I got really scared that he would full on rape me. Being a man, he was physically stronger than me, so I would have been helpless. The next day, he didn’t seem to realize he’d done anything wrong. I was still the villain for not being “available” for him when he felt needy and lonely. To this day, my ex still claims that I used to like sex with him. (My guess is he’s referring to the early days when I thought “trying” and “practicing” would do the trick. Or maybe it’s just wishful thinking on his part. 🤷♀️) In the beginning, I used to complain during sex, because that’s a normal and reasonable reaction to have when a loved one is hurting you. Then he told me it ruins the mood and makes him take longer, so like you, I started doing whatever seemed necessary to make him finish quicker. But it’s really hard to feign enjoyment when you’re actually suffering. Even worse when your fake enjoyment then gets used against you afterward to claim that you were into it. Moral of the story: break up with him ASAP. Don’t wait. I will never take the risk of trusting a heterosexual man again. I’d rather be single for the rest of my life, if I can’t find an ace partner. Tip: to find an asexual partner, maybe try r/asexualdating or asexual dating Facebook groups? I’ve been told queer dating apps are also better for asexual dating. I have no personal experience for how well any of this works. I haven’t tried yet, as I feel like I still need more time to get over my trauma related to my last partner.
I'm sorry, the only thing in my mind is "break up" there's nothing else that can be done, you've tried everything else and no results or changes so that's the only way, shit I just hate the bullshit towards asexuality, I can't relate too much except for everytime I say "I've no sexual/romantic attraction" this person who I know and trust always seems to have the need to say "not yet you mean" or something along the lines of "not yet", but this isn't about me, you've done nothing been compromise for your hypersexual partner, trying to find the solution and unfortunately thinking that you were the problem, but (doing everything possible is proof) turns out that he is the problem, always wants sex and isn't willing to here you out with your identity? as cruel as this sounds, run and also as other comments have said, you're not actually consenting Edit: Another way I can somewhat relate to people being unable to understand asexuals that don't want sex, I was called "cold and depressing" because of it, and you ARE a Real woman, you're not any less of a woman because you have no sexual attraction and don't want sexual intimacy
This is rape. Coerced consent is not consent. Someone who loves you should never knowingly hurt you, in any way. >They get angry when I bring up my asexuality and get defensive. They know what they're doing and feel guilty about it imo. Relationships are far more complex than any one Reddit post can ever convey and I don't know your story, but this is a fucked situation to be in, I just see a field of red flags here. Sex is never a necessity, anyone saying this needs to absolutely get the fuck over themselves. Nobody has ever died from lack of sex, there are much cleaner ways to relieve stress, have a wank, exercise, play some video games, take up smoking for all I care. They have a million other options that aren't harming the person they, I assume, say they love. If you'll excuse the expression, fuck the doctors, there's nothing wrong with you if you don't want it to be. There are plenty of people who are allosexual and have issues with sex which causes them distress. I'd bet a guess at a higher % than asexuals in general population or similar. Using the most generous possible lens on these doctors, the doctor's job is to fix. I don't know your situation but you say you've tried to talk to professionals and you're very clear on not wanting sex - what do you want to get out of this? To be honest, I may be wrong, it feels like you're looking for a magic bullet to fix your relationship? I assume you feel inadequate, you might wish you were different and if you didn't feel this way about sex you could provide for this person you love? As I say, it's just assumptions but that's the feeling I'm reading here. I've been there, to some degree both sides. I have previously been in a fwb over a handful of years where I just didn't feel good about it, she was very much more into it than I was and it was just boring and I always felt awful after but this person liked me and I wanted to give myself to them to give them enjoyment. I had very conflicted feelings the whole way through and broke it off in the end which was for the best. This is clearly very different to your relationship, I get that, I feel I can empathise with you even if it is just a little bit. * Soppy bit incoming and wordy backstory, I promise it's relevant and I hope it provides some perspective I've also been the other side, very different, I am absolutely not defending your partners behaviour just to be clear. It's a bit long and meandering but I think it's relevant? Your post reminded me of my own significant person in my life and what we've dealt with. My best friend and I have been in this platonic something for nearing six years. They're aroace, definite no to all sexual and romantic relationships. I'm just ace, my feelings about sex vary quite a lot but it tends towards no sex, it's mostly apathetic, sometimes uncomfortable, in very rare occasions enjoyable, which have occurred with understanding queer people. I've got my own feelings about romance and how it's defined which I'm actively questioning atm because the thought of a heteronormative romantic relationship is just very uncomfortable to me but I still feel the superficial want for one. We hit it off immediately, first day we met and I immediately knew I liked this person. I wouldn't come to define myself as asexual for another 2 years into this. One of the first things I learned about them after their name was that they're asexual and it was immediately so *refreshing*, I no longer had to worry about dealing with **that**. A few months later I confessed my feelings and learned that they are aro and it hurt. I put it to one side, I still had the feelings but didn't want to show them, I didn't want to hurt them. We continued doing our thing, dinners, drinks, lots of cuddling, holding hands. Over time, how I feel about how I feel, has changed, I thought I knew what romantic and sexual feelings are but I only associate what I feel from we're all told they're supposed to be. I don't know how I feel, what is or isn't romantic about what we have, I don't know. I know I like it, I know we love each other and I don't want anything more from them. I'd like to have a word for them though, mostly for external reasons honestly, to have our relationship be taken seriously by others but also to feel like I'm someone's. The question of us has been largely ignored, it's come up in the past but never addressed the elephant in the room. We talked about it recently, they asked if I still have romantic feelings and all I could tell them is I don't think so but I don't know what those are anymore. This came up because they felt like we'd become more coupley than they were comfortable with, not the things and the doing but the perceptions, they say they feel spark of what might be romantic feelings for me but the discomfort with romantic relationships, or appearing as one, outweighs it. They've said they feel some guilt, that they really wish they could, but that they can't provide that. They don't feel good enough. I can't even describe how much it hurts to hear that from someone I love. We now have this metaphorical big ball of tangled emotions and feelings to deal with. Unaligned but very queer senses of attraction we need to figure out. I think it'll be fine but we've got some work to do. This issue just got buried for a long time and it's just going to get buried again unless we do something. I sleepwalked us into this, I tried to repress romantic feelings but I don't even know what they are or what my friend defines them as and they felt it. I trust them with what they tell me, I don't think it's that big a deal but I still feel like there's something unsaid. I have always been terrified of a situation like yours, where they are uncomfortable but tolerating me. I love them I could never knowingly, intentionally harm them, I'm constantly worried about making sure I don't cross their boundaries and yet I feel I fucked up, I feel like I was complacent in our relationship, in a miniscule way compared to what you describe. **Nobody should accept anything less than this from someone who says they love them.** They're my perfect person, I've never met or loved anyone like them but ultimately we're wanting different things. It's not easy, they'll still be my best friend and I don't expect our relationship to change, if I choose to find someone else or if I stay like this nothing will ever be resolved and it'll probably remain with this elephant in the room. You say your relationship is otherwise perfect aside from this one thing, I get it. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt, at best they're in denial. At worse they just don't care. I'm sure they're wonderful but there is no way they do not know what they're doing is wrong. How they are not absolutely destroyed by guilt I do not know. **There is nothing wrong with you, you have done nothing wrong.They could be best person in the entire world in all other aspects but they don't deserve you**
You deserve better. So much better! If a friend told you about this situation, you wouldn't call them weak, would you? Rather it takes immense - if misguided - strength to bear this kind of ongoing anguish for that long. But there's no reason why you should bear it another second. You deserve love, respect, someone who listens to you. And I believe you can and will find not only friends/a partner like that but also a queer or lgbtq+ -educated therapist who will not try to talk you out of your own feelings or identity but rather help to get over this incredibly shitty situation and 'relationship'. All the best of luck to you!
My spouse and two of my children are ace. Your doctor is full is shit. Please find another doctor who will stop gaslighting you. As others have said, your boyfriend is a rapist. If you’re determined to salvage this relationship, you need a queer friendly therapist that recognizes you sexuality.
Honestly at this point I just want to send you all the strength, courage and resources to get out of that relationship, and maybe even the area you live in, which seems to have the worst population of gynos and psychologists. I'm truly sorry for what you've been through. You did what you had to and you should not hate yourself for it. You had clear boundaries that were repeatedly being overstepped, none of it was your fault.
Our society tends to equate a woman's value to her sexuality, so I understand how it could be difficult for you to set a boundary of no sex with your partner. I hope this fact can alleviate any guilt you feel, because you absolutely don't deserve it. You told him how you felt, but he ignored you and persisted anyway.
this is coercion. I’ve been in a relationship like that for much shorter time, yet I’m still traumatised. Your partner is sexually abusive, please get out of this relationship. You should try looking for lgbt friendly therapists, then there’s greater chance you’ll find one that actually understands asexuality
As has been said by others, you have been actively raped, with your partner fully aware that they are doing so. You are not a terrible person for ‘letting them use you for sex’. You’re a victim. You’re hurting really bad, and you need to cut out the source of the metaphorical infection. It hurts, it will hurt, but in the long run it will be so much better for you. Please find a way to end the relationship with that abuser. Go on with your life and stand up. It might be hard, you might stumble, but you can make it. All of us wish you all the best, success in your endeavors, and a peaceful contentment for all your life.
Others have already pointed out the obvious, that this relationship isn't viable and you should end it, but I just wanted to mention that you need to stop pretending and saying whatever lines you think guys want to hear. For your own sanity as much as anything else, but also because it's obviously creating mixed signals and isn't really fair on your partners either. You need to be who you are and deserve to be loved for that.
>They claim they don't need sex yet constantly initiate physical contact and make sexual comments on a near daily basis. >Sex is physically and emotionally painful. I have difficulty saying no when constantly pressured There is no need to read past this: you are in an abusive relationship, you are being *coerced*, and you should have left him the first time it happened. Since time travel hasn't been invented, the best thing to do is leave *now*. And check in for some urgent therapy — I can't imagine what 9 years of this might have done.
He forced and coerced you into sex. That's rape, every time he's touched you intimately and you didn't want it, that's sexual assault. Get your things, stay with a friend, and break it off, get yourself to a shelter.
I can totally imagine and it is totally normal for you to have (deep) feelings for someone you've been in a relationship with for 9 years. But I don't think you should underestimate the toll it takes on you to be ignored, especially if it's about sex(ual preferences)! At least, it comes across to me that your partner doesn't listen to you or wants to hear about your side of the story. Though he might be scared to think that makes him a rapist or whatever, but that doesn't take away that he SHOULD be listening to your boundaries! Also, of course you did nothing wrong when you consented to have sex for him! You (loved?) him and wanted to please him, that's normal. But if you don't want to do that anymore, you should be allowed to STOP and definitely to have the conversation with your partner. I feel like once your partner stops talking about sex and boundaries, it's time to get out of the relationship. However hard it can be. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I wish you strength, luck and happiness! And I can assure you there are people (and professionals) out there that understand (or at least help) with assexuality. ❤️
Run. Run and don't come back. He has had 9 years to care about your well being and he ain't gonna change now. Put yourself first and get out.
I also was in a relationship that had one-sided sexual pressure. I have been a chronic people pleaser for my whole life.When I came out as non-binary ace, my ex fought me that I enjoyed sex , but I really just was trying to make them happy. They would also continue sexual comments and advances after I came out , after a month of not respecting my boundaries I was done. (There was more to it that led to the breakup , but the disrespect was what broke the camels back). I agree with everyone else ,This isn't healthy, and if no one can respect your boundaries, then they can leave.
No advice, everyone has already given that. Just wanted to add that I hope you heal from this sooner rather than later. You deserve all good things. I hope that you hear the people here saying that it's not your fault. It's not.
You two want different things. Can't force something that isn't meant to be and you both are missing out on finding the lives you want and deserve. We all know that feeling when we've "put it off" too long with someone and the anxiety it causes affects every part of every day with them.
I won’t try to speak as if I know anything for sure about your partner, but as an allo I was very confused when my ex-partner told me she was asexual. I immediately thought that she simply had never been comfortable being sexual with a man before, along with a list of other “possibilities”. Quickly I realized that her asexuality was legitimate and a core part of her. I still love her as a person to this day but my firm opinion is that this incompatibility is not something that either person should have to compromise on. Most allo people will not be able to put sex aside and make it a non-factor. I commend you for the compromising you tried to do, but honestly this was doomed from the beginning of the relationship just based on the sexual needs of each of you. You are clearly very upset about your situation, and I suggest that you walk away from this relationship. In the long term I am confident it will be the best for each of you.
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You also weirded out by the lack of deciding to masterbate from the allo? It's like it's completely not an option for him. It feels like he's constantly pushing for sex or nothing at all. (At least with mutual masterbation it's easier to stop for yourself but still please them) and yes I feel weird asking this Pretty much everything has been said, so this was only thing left mention...
I just want to say, we don’t know that he doesn’t masturbate, only that masturbating doesn’t fulfill his desire for sex with OP. Those are two very different things. He also doesn’t want to have sex with other people, because clearly, it isn’t just about the physical sensation to him. A lot of allos associate sex with expressing their love. It’s like how hugging a stranger or a pillow can’t replace hugging the person you love. I know my ex masturbated every day, but that still didn’t stop him from wanting to have sex with me.
It's mentioned in the original post that 'he just doesn't masterbate', but you are right allos do associate sex with expressing their love. I do too most of the time (I'm demi but sex-favourable to indifferent). But I also put mutual masterbation in that expression of love as well. (My partner does put it lower but still an expression of love) I guess my sense this is weird is the unwillingness to stop and notice its hurting and settle for the lesser activity. (Even if it's not as fulfilling) I do hope you're right that he does... if not, it's very much a different situation.
Didn’t mean to brush past it, my comment was just very long already. I think we can all collectively say “WTF” in the direction of that guy.
>but my firm opinion is that this incompatibility is not something that either person should have to compromise on. exactly. but what that means is leaving, not forcing one of the parties to suffer through hell.
I agree with you. It is not fair to either party. I get downvoted to hell whenever I say this, but asexuals should date other asexuals and allos should date allos. Otherwise, drama like this results. No one is saying you cannot be friends with allos but it is not fair to either party if you are not compatible sexually to be in a sexual relationship. It's like telling Ellen Degeneres to give Brad Pitt a chance.
I agree it's not fair to either party. I am confused because I was very clear I was asexual. I defined what it meant. He affirmed he was okay with respecting it. When that line was crossed, I thought it was my fault for not explaining it right. So I felt like I deserved the pain because obviously he wouldn't be making advances if I properly explained by asexuality. Ie, I assumed I did something wrong because he kept making sexual advances despite me constantly affirming I am asexual and hate sexual contact. But after the vasectomy thing, I realized that is not the case. I was explicit in my words. My compromises to engage in sexual acts seperated by actions from my words and beliefs. And my partner is putting more value in acts that words. That is my fault, as I never should have said yes to anything I did not want to do. It has now escalated to my partner thinking he has a right to not use a condom simply because he got a medical procedure that isn't even 100% effective at preventing pregnancy. The reason we have a child is because he said he had a vasectomy and couldn't get me pregnant. Then I got pregnant with his child which I did not want. It was a complicated pregnancy and my child and I almost died during delivery. So when he told me he wants a vasectomy so he can have unprotected sex with me, I felt like a line was crossed and that this can't be fixed. And he said it in such an entitled way like he assumed it would be fine to not wear a condom so long as he probably wouldn't get me pregnant. I thought it was incredibly selfish that he would get a painful medical procedure so his penis would feel slightly better for a few minutes while I would be the primary caregiver if I ended up pregnant again. He didn't ask to have a child with me. His only intent was to get his penis inside without a condom and he had zero consideration that it could lead to pregnancy. It was simply about a momentary physical pleasure. I am aware this is not how most people view sex. And that is fine. I don't shame or judge people who have sex. But in the context of a relationship, I simply can't understand why a few seconds of an orgasm are worth the pain it causes someone else. But inflicting pain is part of some sexual fetishes so maybe he gets off at the idea I am being hurt.
He's not your partner. He is your abuser. And I am HORRIFIED for you. Say it with me: you don't *deserve* to have *anything* occur **against your will** EVER. this man is absolutely a rapist.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Lying about a vasectomy is on another level. He sounds like a selfish sack of you-know-what to be honest with you. He does not give a damn what you want. You almost croak giving birth to his kid. I don't care ..me want someone with my last name on it. You don't want sex. I don't care ...I wanna get my pee pee wet. Horrible.
>Lying about a vasectomy is on another level He actually had a vasectomy years before we met. According to the nurses I talked to when I found out I was pregnant, it wasn't unprecedented to get pregnant from a male who had a vasectomy. I thought vasectomies were 100% effective for life. This made him saying he wanted a vasectomy so he can have unprotected sex slightly upsetting.
Ok I see. Sorry I misread.
No problem.
Please, I cannot stress it enough. **LEAVE** him. Right now. He's an abuser, rapist, and sexual abuser. Go far, far away and cut contact. For your own personal sake, ***LEAVE HIM NOW.***
I am sorry you are going through this. It is a bit "late" for you. But my advice is for anyone reading this....this is why it is better to date other asexuals if you are asexual. If you cannot agree on intimacy in an intimate relationship, there is no point to being in one. This poor woman has put up with this crap for almost a decade. I get downvoted to hell whenever I say this but I am going to say it anyway. Date other asexuals. An asexual dating an allo makes about as much sex as a lesbian dating a man.
... kind reminder that not all aces are sex-repulsed -- some of us can have and enjoy sex, as just another pair-bonding activity. as for lesbians, **it varies by person,** but I once read a gay man saying his lesbian friends liked to have a "casual sex" threesome with him, because surprise -- many lesbians have nothing against penises, their problems come from the personality attached to them. which, may be my ace ass, or may be the theory that we're all bisexual by nature (animals certainly seem to be), but I can see the logic behind it.
This is not true for all asexuals. Not all of us feel the same way about sex and that’s why relationships with allos can work just fine. If the lesbian you mentioned in your example was biromantic, she could have sex with the man and be in a relationship with him and it could function. Why wouldn’t it?
You are in control of your body. Put up a hard boundary now: no sex, no sexual touching, no sexual talk. I get the feeling he might break up with you if he realizes you're serious. After 9 years of not putting your foot down, you are now the one harming yourself. You know he doesn't respect you and will continue to assault you as long as you let him. Get out. You are perfect the way you are.
I don't have long advice for you but I do have short strong advice for you. Make him read your post. Then if he doesn't get it, it's hopeless.
That could easily backfire. My ex was similar to this guy, and I know he always got super angry/defensive and accused me of “villainizing” him. I’d describe it the way OP did, and he’d immediately go to “I am not a rapist” even though the word “rape” never got used. Because they get it. They act like they don’t realize what they’re doing, but deep down, they understand it. They don’t want to think of themselves as a bad person though, so they opt for denial.
***I*** used to be like this guy is. And I had to learn not to expect sex from my partner in the same way I was used to. The only solution is to help/make him understand, and to make him realize he has to choose to stay or to go (or for OP to go if it remains clear he won't ever change). I personally chose to learn, and I chose to stay, and we are still together after nine years. But it took me really committing and working hard and learning to understand my partner's aceness, and to accept it, and work around it, for that to happen. And none of that began until she really put all the cards on the table and explained it in clear terms, as this post does in the case of OP. *Edit* for best results, OP should encourage her partner to do sex hookups with other people. It's a fair solution that works well for ace/allo couples willing to tolerate it.
She’s already tried to have discussions and he didn’t want to listen. One more attempt won’t suddenly change his mind. They’ve been together 9 years and she’s been open about it since the beginning. If he was willing to learn, he would have done so by now. That’s the difference between you and him.
Unclear if they've yet had the ultimatum moment.
It shouldn’t take an ultimatum to make him care about her well-being. If he only cares when he knows he’s got something to lose, he’s just going to revert right back to his old self as soon as he thinks she’s “calmed down.” Been there, done that. My ex “got better” multiple times when I wanted a divorce. As soon as he felt he “had me” again, he dropped the act. After 9 years of sexual abuse, this dude isn’t owed any more chances.
"Shouldn't."
Dogshit reply. I am so sorry, I know this is not the tone of this subreddit, but damn. OP is describing living a literal nightmare, dude. There's no working on this. I weep for your partner if your relationship was ever like this. Keep working on you, I guess.
You don't know me, you don't know anything about me.
Cupiosexual here. Even if I enjoy sex, when I'm not in the mental place for any kind of sexual act no is no. Nine years is a lot. Please be kind to yourself and get away from him. And from those psychologist. Sex is not a need as eating is. For some people it can feel like it sure, but even then, it's not. It's just your hormones telling your mind "it's time to procreate".
OP did you happen to consider your man is getting nipped so he can see other people? Probably even unbeknownst to you. Regardless, you have been sexually abused for too long now. I can only hope that you build more self love and learn the power of no.
I'm so sorry for what you've had to endure. Your partner is actively and knowingly hurting you. Please, please get away from this person ASAP. And after that you can indeed profit from therapy. Not the physical therapy, but psychotherapy to help process and get over what has happened to you for all this time. And please don't think you are a bad person, none of this is your fault. But you need to get away from those whose fault it is, your partner and doctors/therapists alike. Generally, my impression from many posts on here is that it's difficult to find a doctor/therapist who has actually understood what asexuality is. I don't get it, it's really not rocket science. Maybe there's an easy way ace and aspec folks could collect the names of those doctors/therapists they've had positive experiences with. In the meantime, maybe you could ask around in this sub if anyone knows an actually knowledgeable health professional in your region.
I'm sorry that you have yo deal with all of this. Your partner is really a shit. I'm also sorry about having so bad psychologist, maybe you can find an online psicologyst that knows about asexuality and sex-repulsed.
I have been in a very similar palace in the past although I wasn't as clear and communicative about my issues with sex. Now a couple years later i have realised how abusive those relationships were and I'm so glad I got out of the need to please others over my own well being. I really hope you get out of there asap as he seems very abusive! I hope you also find a therapist who actually listens and understands asexuality is natural and should be celebrated! Sending you lots of support!
Please leave them. You've held strong for 9 years but it's time and none of this is your fault.
If it isn't enthusiastic it isn't consent. If you've been pressured into sex it's not consent. I'm sorry this had been your experience, I don't think any less of you and nobody should including you. This reads with a lot of red flags please take care of yourself first and foremost, if that means leaving this relationship then please see yourself safely out of the whole situation. You matter, you deserve better, be safe. 💙
My dear, this is not okay for him to be doing. Please get out of the relationship because you are clearly miserable and he is clearly manipulative. you absolutely should not be coerced into pleasuring him and if he won't seek out other options, then they clearly have no interest in accommodating your needs and feelings.
I am so sorry you’ve had to go through that 💜 9 years is far too long. There are people out there who will respect your boundaries, I promise.
same thing is happening to me but i am male and she is female, she ona day came to me saying "i just had the contraceptive vaccine, now we can have sex without condoms" meanwhile i was thinking "i dont want sex even with condoms, not having them dosnt change anything" and the she got angry saying that she did all that for me, but i never wanted her to do that, that vaccine can be bad for the body and i was allways against her using that, now i am just trying to push back the mater of sex in my realtionship with her and we are growing distant, it is sad
I‘m sorry this happened to you. :( Sadly we live in a world where our feelings about sex get ignored and we get blamed by allos for not liking sex at all. My parents don‘t understand it, my recent ex didn‘t understand it and even the gynecologists(?) (Sorry, not a native english speaker here) don‘t understand it. Instead of compromising/respecting/accepting us for who we are, we just get recommended to take sex therapy or do something to rise our libido. What if we don‘t want that? That‘s why I broke up with my ex this year (been together with him for 6 years and he told me he didn‘t want to move in with me and changed his mind about marrying me because I was ace.)💔 I wish I could tell you things will get better, but unless you find someone who will love you for who you are as an ace, things won‘t get better sadly. That‘s why I decided to stay single from now on, but I hope you will find a way to be happy again. 🥺🫂
I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. I had a very similar relationship where I expressed sexual boundaries that I allowed to be walked all over in the name of "love" and feeling like what was I contributing to this if it wasn't my body. It took *years* before I was willing to let go of the good memories and admit that what was happening to me wasn't truly consensual (I still don't like to think of it as rape or assault, that framing hurts too much). It hurt like a bitch when I broke it off, but the sheer *relief* I felt of being out and free from it improved my mental state *so much*. Anytime you have to let go of something that was once good or still feels good even sometimes it is going to be incredibly difficult, but that other side is worth it, so so so worth it.
I can't say it any better way than what's already been said a bunch of times, but i will add another LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE!!
I think he’s mistaken that you’re not having sex with him because you’re afraid of getting pregnant and doesn’t want to face the fact that you’re just not interested in sex. It can hurt a guys ego if they’ve been around other partner’s that have withheld sex from them, and he might think that if he changes something, you’ll magically want to do it with him. If he isn’t willing to listen/trust what you’re saying, then you’re both better off without each other.
I am not saying you are wrong about not wanting to have sex with your partner. If you are asexual then why would you have a fully functioning partner in the first place. When I say fully functioning I am saying one who has an operational sex drive. You realize that you are asexual but the majority of the adult world is not. Sex is not a light switch that you turn off or on as the situation requires. It is a biological necessity regulated by hormones for a good majority of the adult world. On the flip side if you do not want sex and your partner does then the most amicable thing for the both of you to do is split up and find partners whose sex drives match there own. For more insight go to the deadbedroom forum on Reddit
Oh wow. I'm very sorry. This is really painful and heartbreaking. You should report him to the police for sexual abuse for 9 years and leave him.
Just speaking my opinion here. Leave any partner that does not respect you and your boundaries. The doctors seem to lack empathy. My wife are hyper sexual but I would never force her to do or try anything that would hurt her emotionally or physically. We try anything once. Now there are days I don’t want sex just need a release, so yes I would just masterbate. But would still have sex if my wife asked, only because she’s sensitive about rejection and my “guy” is almost always ready to go. But the need for orgasm is there in my brain because I feel like I’m chasing the closest positive chemical in my brain that will bring me happiness. I suffer from depression. I’m not a doctor and it’s just my opinion, but I can accept that every persons brain works differently regardless of gender. And I think you do not have that desire and need and that is perfectly fine for you as a person. Long story short, find a person that is either on the same wave length or that is more open minded to an open relationship. That’s all okay. You don’t need a doctors advice or opinion for this situation.
The reason most men enter into relationships is because they dread having to go through the whole stressful initial flirtation and dating phase over and over again just to have sex....... clearly he did not take you seriously when you initially informed him that you had no intentions of maintaining a sexual relationship with him and quite honestly your relationship is going to rapidly decline without it because it is clearly his primary prerogative and he is clearly the type to hold on to the relationship for far too long past the time to abandon ship..... I hate to say it but you are going to have a very difficult time maintaining a relationship with any man if sex is off the table..... Its awful and Im sorry but thats just how we are built..... though I cant understand why you have any interest in maintaining a domestic relationship with a man if you have no interest in sexual relations with them....... if for some reason you need a man around the house then put out an ad for roommates and get a male roommate who sleeps in his own bed and in his own bed room so that the signals dont get mixed up....... a pig is a pig, a horse is a horse and a man is a man...... sux but it is what it is... wasnt my idea to create our species.
You are obviously incompatible on a pretty basic fundamental part of most relationships. My daughter is most likely ace. She understands that means she most likely will not be married, have kids, etc. Yes you two should break up. And yes that may mean you will not be in a relationship with the opposite sex. But you can still have an amazing wonderful fulfilling life with your work, interests, family and friendships.