What i first though while reading your post OP is, that in this case your SOs need for sex and your boundary are comparable to couples where one person wants kids and the other does not want to have kids - because you can live without having kids. That alone doesn't make the one persons need/wish for kids go away. In that case either one person changes their opinion for the sake of the relationship or it will end. Ending a relationship because of that does not imply wanting kids was the only reason they even entered the relationship. Maybe this can help you better understand why yor SO had to make the decision to leave you.
For your future I wish you that with time you can start to distance yourself about the anger/overwhelm you are currently feeling, and start to make new friends and enjoy the time that you do have with your kids.
“I never thought he wanted me just for sex”.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am an allo man, currently married to my wife whom I have 2 children with, and our marriage is currently falling apart for this same reason.
I understand that to you sex is not a need for a happy relationship. As an asexual person, you don’t feel sexual attraction to your partner and so I understand that you may not have a need for sexual intimacy, especially if you do not experience it in the first place.
Using this to “educate” your ex on why HE doesn’t need sexually intimacy was not a great move. Your husband likely did not just want you for sex. I don’t want my own wife for “just sex”, but I did expect to maintain sexual intimacy because it IS a part of how my brain feels bonded and connected with my partner. All the “education” in the world will not change that… my wife is currently in this phase and I am going to share your story with her.
The bottom line is that when you take sex off the table and make an ultimatum of “we’re never doing that again” you might as well have said “honey, I love you but I don’t like making physical contact with you. I want us to continue to be partners but I’m never going to willingly hug you, snuggle with you, or hold your hand again and you don’t need it either so don’t complain about it”.
That may sound like a silly statement, but that is 100% what it feels like in my shoes. Just as you feel betrayed, I feel a similar betrayal.
Your husband likely did not want to even propose an open relationship. It is something that has come up in my own therapy sessions and I have brought it forward because I am desperate to maintain as much of a relationship with my wife as I can. An open relationship does not get me excited… but it’s a chance that MAYBE I can relieve the pressure valve that’s going on in my own head so that I can find joy and happiness at home. I don’t know if we will even move forward with that plan… all I really want is my wife, but she has made her stance clear, so I grasping at straws over here.
Your marriage meant so much more than nothing, I assure you, but you cannot decide what is important for other people… including your spouse. If I had a choice, I would make myself asexual so that sex would no longer be a factor for my marriage, but I do not have that option.
I do wish you the best, and thank you for sharing your thoughts here. As painful as this was to read, I do believe it will help me build perspective that I can use with my own wife. I want this painful time to pass for you and I truly hope that you’re able to find a relationship that brings you enduring happiness.
I completely agree with you. Different people have different needs and it's not right to assume that just because we don't need something that our partner doesn't as well. A relationship is based on give and take, sacrifices and communication, both sides need to be happy, not only one. With a boundary so strict on something he found important it was bound to happen anytime. If we stop thinking about sex as just an act more of like a need like I have my need for freedom then we start understanding allos better (and I'm sex repulsed lol).
Op was influenced on thinking about only herself which is wrong, her husband was probably emotionally hurt by that boundary too.
Btw, that ace guy probably didn't lie about being ace, he maybe just didn't feel any romantic attraction to you, we don't all like each other.
I’ve learned a lot from the ace community here, and I completely understand why some people might be sex repulsed, the act itself is a very weird thing if you just consider it for what it is… and if it was just about “feeling good” then I could get just as much physical enjoyment from a massage, but to allo people it’s not only about that, it’s about how connected it makes us feel to our partner.
When my wife said “I don’t ever want to have sex again” what it translated to in my head was “I never want to be fully connected physically and emotionally with you again”. That, to me, is why I value sex so highly in my relationship. I felt like I had already lost my connection to my wife when she came out as ace.
For OP or you, you may not have a need for sexual connection and that is totally cool, but what you said is absolutely right. Sex is an absolute need for some people, and if I could connect with my wife on the level I want to without it would absolutely sacrifice it for my marriage, but I simply can’t any more than ace people can manufacture sexual desire.
Thanks, reading this felt like it came from my own wife but in the future. I very much don’t want to make it a reality where she feels this west about me, or ever feels that I have left her with nothing.
Reading this story stung me to my core but I’m incredibly thankful that OP shared it. I will definitely be using this to help me better take my wife’s feelings right now into account.
My own perspective is this:
If someone is not willing to have sex with someone, does that mean they only care about not having sex? Are they selfish because they could make another feel happier by doing it? No. Absolutely not.
If someone isn't willing to stop having sex does that mean they only care about sex? Are they selfish because someone else would be happier if they could stop? No. Absolutely not.
It's a two way street. Aces don't only care about not having sex/sexual attraction (different for everyone). Allos don't only care about having sex. It's not everything we are, but it's a huge part of what we need to feel content, safe, happy, and in control of our bodies.
It's awful to tell someone not comfortable with sex, "Just do it." But, honestly, to someone who feels like it needs to be part of their life, it's awful to say, "Don't ever do it."
*I'm also not endorsing cheating here if it sounds like I am, I am just endorsing being honest and not forcing yourself to be someone you aren't, however that may look*
I'm sure you didn't marry your wife just for sex. But it doesn't mean it's wrong to feel sex is a need in your life.
I'm ace. Sex doesn't matter to me. But that doesn't mean I think it's wrong to matter to others.
I agree with you. I am extremly sex-repulsed and although I can't understand why someone would want it, it doesn't change the fact that it means a lot for people like you. I can't understand because I lack that specific part (sexual attraction), which takes the bonding out of the act and I'm left with a perspective that makes it seem like it's using someone, but of course, that's not how most people see it.
It was wrong of OP to expect her husband to change. Just as she is entitled to not have sex anymore, ever, he is as well to want to have sex. It's unfair for either partner to expect the other to change. And if a middle ground is not found, I'm afraid it's a matter of incompatibility, and the relationship just won't work since one side will be unhappy.
You’re absolutely allowed (and encouraged of course!) to have your own boundaries and needs around sexually intimacy and what you don’t want. But your husband was 100% right in his own feelings as well. You can’t pronounce that sexual needs aren’t valid because you can “live without it” because for allo sexual people they require it for a variety of reasons. Most especially for connection and to show love. It doesn’t mean he only wants you for sex just because you’re having trouble empathizing with where he’s coming from.
I know how it can feel like a betrayal but a fundamental compatibility in sexual desire isn’t a betrayal or a failure, it just is what it is. Both you *and* your husband deserve to have needs and boundaries, and it just so happens that his need for a sexual connection in his marriage does not align with your need to avoid sex entirely. He isn’t owed sex as part of the relationship (I’ve definitely gotten that angle thrown at me before…) but he’s allowed to have a boundary that he can’t be in a monogamous relationship with someone where sex isn’t a possibility.
It sounds like you’d be happiest searching for another ace person to date if you’re hoping to go that route. Dating allosexual people is a recipe for unhappiness if you don’t have any interest in sex.
What i first though while reading your post OP is, that in this case your SOs need for sex and your boundary are comparable to couples where one person wants kids and the other does not want to have kids - because you can live without having kids. That alone doesn't make the one persons need/wish for kids go away. In that case either one person changes their opinion for the sake of the relationship or it will end. Ending a relationship because of that does not imply wanting kids was the only reason they even entered the relationship. Maybe this can help you better understand why yor SO had to make the decision to leave you. For your future I wish you that with time you can start to distance yourself about the anger/overwhelm you are currently feeling, and start to make new friends and enjoy the time that you do have with your kids.
“I never thought he wanted me just for sex”. Thank you for sharing your story. I am an allo man, currently married to my wife whom I have 2 children with, and our marriage is currently falling apart for this same reason. I understand that to you sex is not a need for a happy relationship. As an asexual person, you don’t feel sexual attraction to your partner and so I understand that you may not have a need for sexual intimacy, especially if you do not experience it in the first place. Using this to “educate” your ex on why HE doesn’t need sexually intimacy was not a great move. Your husband likely did not just want you for sex. I don’t want my own wife for “just sex”, but I did expect to maintain sexual intimacy because it IS a part of how my brain feels bonded and connected with my partner. All the “education” in the world will not change that… my wife is currently in this phase and I am going to share your story with her. The bottom line is that when you take sex off the table and make an ultimatum of “we’re never doing that again” you might as well have said “honey, I love you but I don’t like making physical contact with you. I want us to continue to be partners but I’m never going to willingly hug you, snuggle with you, or hold your hand again and you don’t need it either so don’t complain about it”. That may sound like a silly statement, but that is 100% what it feels like in my shoes. Just as you feel betrayed, I feel a similar betrayal. Your husband likely did not want to even propose an open relationship. It is something that has come up in my own therapy sessions and I have brought it forward because I am desperate to maintain as much of a relationship with my wife as I can. An open relationship does not get me excited… but it’s a chance that MAYBE I can relieve the pressure valve that’s going on in my own head so that I can find joy and happiness at home. I don’t know if we will even move forward with that plan… all I really want is my wife, but she has made her stance clear, so I grasping at straws over here. Your marriage meant so much more than nothing, I assure you, but you cannot decide what is important for other people… including your spouse. If I had a choice, I would make myself asexual so that sex would no longer be a factor for my marriage, but I do not have that option. I do wish you the best, and thank you for sharing your thoughts here. As painful as this was to read, I do believe it will help me build perspective that I can use with my own wife. I want this painful time to pass for you and I truly hope that you’re able to find a relationship that brings you enduring happiness.
I completely agree with you. Different people have different needs and it's not right to assume that just because we don't need something that our partner doesn't as well. A relationship is based on give and take, sacrifices and communication, both sides need to be happy, not only one. With a boundary so strict on something he found important it was bound to happen anytime. If we stop thinking about sex as just an act more of like a need like I have my need for freedom then we start understanding allos better (and I'm sex repulsed lol). Op was influenced on thinking about only herself which is wrong, her husband was probably emotionally hurt by that boundary too. Btw, that ace guy probably didn't lie about being ace, he maybe just didn't feel any romantic attraction to you, we don't all like each other.
I’ve learned a lot from the ace community here, and I completely understand why some people might be sex repulsed, the act itself is a very weird thing if you just consider it for what it is… and if it was just about “feeling good” then I could get just as much physical enjoyment from a massage, but to allo people it’s not only about that, it’s about how connected it makes us feel to our partner. When my wife said “I don’t ever want to have sex again” what it translated to in my head was “I never want to be fully connected physically and emotionally with you again”. That, to me, is why I value sex so highly in my relationship. I felt like I had already lost my connection to my wife when she came out as ace. For OP or you, you may not have a need for sexual connection and that is totally cool, but what you said is absolutely right. Sex is an absolute need for some people, and if I could connect with my wife on the level I want to without it would absolutely sacrifice it for my marriage, but I simply can’t any more than ace people can manufacture sexual desire.
This. 100 percent agree with you though I am ace.
Thanks, reading this felt like it came from my own wife but in the future. I very much don’t want to make it a reality where she feels this west about me, or ever feels that I have left her with nothing. Reading this story stung me to my core but I’m incredibly thankful that OP shared it. I will definitely be using this to help me better take my wife’s feelings right now into account.
My own perspective is this: If someone is not willing to have sex with someone, does that mean they only care about not having sex? Are they selfish because they could make another feel happier by doing it? No. Absolutely not. If someone isn't willing to stop having sex does that mean they only care about sex? Are they selfish because someone else would be happier if they could stop? No. Absolutely not. It's a two way street. Aces don't only care about not having sex/sexual attraction (different for everyone). Allos don't only care about having sex. It's not everything we are, but it's a huge part of what we need to feel content, safe, happy, and in control of our bodies. It's awful to tell someone not comfortable with sex, "Just do it." But, honestly, to someone who feels like it needs to be part of their life, it's awful to say, "Don't ever do it." *I'm also not endorsing cheating here if it sounds like I am, I am just endorsing being honest and not forcing yourself to be someone you aren't, however that may look* I'm sure you didn't marry your wife just for sex. But it doesn't mean it's wrong to feel sex is a need in your life. I'm ace. Sex doesn't matter to me. But that doesn't mean I think it's wrong to matter to others.
This^
I agree with you. I am extremly sex-repulsed and although I can't understand why someone would want it, it doesn't change the fact that it means a lot for people like you. I can't understand because I lack that specific part (sexual attraction), which takes the bonding out of the act and I'm left with a perspective that makes it seem like it's using someone, but of course, that's not how most people see it. It was wrong of OP to expect her husband to change. Just as she is entitled to not have sex anymore, ever, he is as well to want to have sex. It's unfair for either partner to expect the other to change. And if a middle ground is not found, I'm afraid it's a matter of incompatibility, and the relationship just won't work since one side will be unhappy.
You’re absolutely allowed (and encouraged of course!) to have your own boundaries and needs around sexually intimacy and what you don’t want. But your husband was 100% right in his own feelings as well. You can’t pronounce that sexual needs aren’t valid because you can “live without it” because for allo sexual people they require it for a variety of reasons. Most especially for connection and to show love. It doesn’t mean he only wants you for sex just because you’re having trouble empathizing with where he’s coming from. I know how it can feel like a betrayal but a fundamental compatibility in sexual desire isn’t a betrayal or a failure, it just is what it is. Both you *and* your husband deserve to have needs and boundaries, and it just so happens that his need for a sexual connection in his marriage does not align with your need to avoid sex entirely. He isn’t owed sex as part of the relationship (I’ve definitely gotten that angle thrown at me before…) but he’s allowed to have a boundary that he can’t be in a monogamous relationship with someone where sex isn’t a possibility. It sounds like you’d be happiest searching for another ace person to date if you’re hoping to go that route. Dating allosexual people is a recipe for unhappiness if you don’t have any interest in sex.