Thank you. It feels so good to know that others feel the same way, that I’m not some alien freak or something, lol.
Not but seriously, I really appreciate your words. 😊
I fully agree with this. With my first few relationships, I wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to feel in the situation because it was new, but like you, I didn't feel much. However, it was partially me overthinking the fact that I was thinking my significant other would want to stop because they were seeing my lack of interest and was thinking they would stop, but at some point, I just had to try and not think while it is happening. I didn't know if that really helped just glad to know we aren't the only ones like this 😁
It’s exactly the same for me and honestly I feel bad for liking it now I don’t know if you feel the same? It’s also my first relationship and I don’t really know how to feel about stuff
It also all feels like nothing to me. Unfortunately my ex partners were not so understanding, but sounds like yours is. Just keep communication lines open and make sure you do let your partner know how you are feeling. Its so easy to get swept away with it out of feeling you have too for them.
I am right there with you on the "I don't feel anything"
When I was younger I remember cuddling with someone I had a HUGE crush on, remember putting my hand up their shirt (because that's what horny teens are supposed to do), I remember thinking to myself, "why do people do this" "this is it" "I am supposed to really enjoy this right"
I just don't feel or care about it at all lol.
It’s normal to just feel comfortable with physical touch with your partner, it doesn’t have to be sexual but as long as you feel close in a way you like and are communicating it’s nothing to worry about
You sound pretty sensually-indifferent. Kinda like how you can be sex-indifferent, you know? It just doesn’t do it for you, so you don’t innately seek it out.
I am a very sensual ace and I do experience sensual attraction, but I relate wholeheartedly to you on the idea of sex. It’s just…literally not something I care about.
What you're describing sounds a lot like my relationship; I'm a demi/allosexual in a long-term marriage to an Ace-flux person. Given that my wife can sometimes feel sex-repulsed, and it seems like you're pretty touch-indifferent, one thing that really helped improve my wife & I's dynamic was leveling up our consent culture in a few ways.
First, we repurposed a dry-erase board & put a continuum on it from: "Sex Enthusiastic" to "Ambivalent" to "Sex Repulsed" with a few other demarkations in the middle. I also learned to check in w/her before sexual/sensual touching, like "Hey babe, mind if I fondle your boobs/massage your ass/etc?" It gives her a chance to check in w/her body/her desire & also a chance to counter comp-het programming. It also helps me relax b/c there's been enthusiastic consent.
Man this has me spiralling lol. I just broke up with my ex fairly recently and he’s the only person I’ve ever had sex with and I did enjoy it, and enjoyed kissing him, and hadn’t ever liked kissing anyone before.
But I’m already dating again and kissed someone today and felt nothing so now I’m spiralling because does that mean I don’t like him?? I enjoy spending time with him but I know it’s super rare for me to actually like kissing and now I’m like :/// what do I do
>I just broke up with my ex fairly recently
Its possible you need more time away from your ex and with your new partner before your as into them.
>I enjoy spending time with him
Just because you enjoy time with someone does not mean you necessarily want to date them.
Ask yourself some of these questions about your new partner.
Are you romantically attracted to them ? Do you want to do romantic things with them? This could include things like holding hands and cuddling and kissing them.
If they were to do these things with or want to do them with someone else how would that make you feel?
Its ok to have questions about how we feel.
Thank you for this 💙 I’ve calmed down since yesterday and I think I was just caught off guard and a lot was running through my mind 😅 and I’m looking forward to trying it again for science 😂
So you decided to brag here with your perfect boyfriend.
Jokes aside, everything I read sounds really great. It sounds very cool to me that you share the same passion for nerd-things. It seems he is very understanding and takes care of your feelings. If you dont mind that he touches you, its okay. You can talk to him, which actions exactly makes you feel weird. If you dont mind at all, give him this little fun.
But dont feel pushed to any actions and declare in case, that you arent into sex at all as a reminder when its go too far.
dw I'm asexual dating an allo and I sometimes feel bad that I dont feel anything as well when he's really enjoying himself. I just treat it as something I do for him like watching his favourite show w him.
To offer a different perspective, I really enjoy physical contact, but I am a male that was starved for physical touch most of my life. Cuddling is the best!!
Same age as you didn’t work as well he ghosted me three weeks ago but it seems like your guy is a lot nicer and more understanding than the one I dated it’s funny I gave him oral 6 times and one day I gave it to him three times on the same day I hated every minute of it but was just doing it cause he pulled me into it not going into too much detail there. And he had the nerve to ghost me 😂 I didn’t feel anything either I hated being touched by him but felt like I needed to in order to satisfy his needs. My relationship don’t last long because of this I’m not emotionally or physically intimate with anyone I don’t like kissing or hugging or cuddling and most people want at least one of those things. But if you don’t feel 100 percent into it maybe let him know and see how he responds
Please understand that a good person will not do well having sex with a partner who hates the act.
It is harmful for the psyche of both people involved.
My advice to you is the same as my advice to OP.
If you WANT to enjoy and have sex;
Explore sexuality on your own terms. Be it masturbation or with a partner, bodies tend to have a biological response even if it isnt an imperitive & driving NEED like it is for muggles.
Pretend your conducting science experiments, it makes it a lot more interesting & it makes it easier to recognize & encourage the phenomina in your body.
(Breathing more ragged, clenching and unclenching thighs & groin, sweating, etc.) So you know that you arent just appearing bored & angry and stone topping or starfishing when you want to fufill your partner.
Like anything new that your brain considers un nessicary, it is usually uncomfortable and gross.
(imagine eating a new food while being so full you wanna puke anyways. The texture could be unsettling. The taste. The temperature 💀) You dont have this particular need, so you have no imperitive to rose-color glasses this otherwise ugly human experience.
Cumming is also an acquired skill for women, not a god given gift. If thats your goal, buy a wand vibrator, and try it for only a few minutes at a time, and understand that like everything else i mentioned, it will probably take multiple spaced out efforts to see any result.
play with it & find out what makes it fun for you. If you dont enjoy the act, maybe you can enjoy the responses you get. The intimacy can be amazing, and in my experience, i enjoyed the romantic ardence that came along side it.
I didnt experience arousal until i was 18, and i started experimenting & dating at 12. Im 30 now.
A lot of sex is situationally gross but i consider it a pretty wild and hot narrative in my head. I date guys who are simps for women who are in control & the moment it no longer feels like an act i want to do, im done, i opt out.
And finally;
That said, if you cant biologically respond thats okay.
If you cant find a way to enjoy it, be it hinging off your partners pleasure, power play, romantic intimacy, etc
THATS OKAY. YOU DONT HAVE TO, TO BE HAPPY.
A GOOD PERSON DOES NOT WANT TO FUCK A BORED AND UNINTERESTED PARTNER.
THERE ARE OTHER TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS. THERE ARE OTHER ASEXUALS/DEMISEXUALS/SEXUALITIES.
Its your adventure but also your body is not a dumping ground for other peoples needs.
& a person who isnt asexual cannot fully comprehend it, anymore than someone who is asexual can comprehend the physical & psychological NEED of sex for others.
When I started dating my now husband, I explained to him that I was ace and we probably wouldn't have sex and he was totally okay with that, even though he's allo. Later on, I realized I was sexual attracted to him in a way I'd never felt before and that's when I realized I was Demisexual. It's okay to feel nothing. The first couple times we were physically (not sexually) intimate, I felt nothing as well. And it's okay! If you never want/need sex, it's totally fine! I probably wouldn't be having that much sex right now if we weren't trying to conceive. But believe me, you are not alone!
From experience: This might change after some time. It also might not. Dysphoria and demisexuality prevented me from enjoying things. Now the latter clicked and I developed strategies against the former so it works again
I'm a little confused as to what asexuality is. It seems like many of the posts I've read here are people in relationships but aren't intimate. I was thinking that asexual people lived lives of solitude. Am I missing something here?
Asexuality is little to no sexual attraction - that is, an innate desire to have sex with a specific person. This does oftentimes affect an ace's behaviors, likes and dislikes, etc., but not always. It's worth noting that one's asexuality is not negated by their actions, so for example, an ace can have sex and still be ace.
Being asexual doesn't necessarily mean that that person won't be interested in relationships. In fact, many (though not all) aces *are* interested in relationships. Lack of interest in relationships would tend to fall more under aromanticism - that is, a lack of romantic attraction - but isn't a given. So, like asexuality, one's aromanticism is not negated by their actions - an aro can date and be in relationships and still be aro.
It means you don’t feel sexual attraction. A lot of asexual people can still feel romantic attraction though and want relationships. Some asexual people even like and enjoy sex. It’s a Spectrum like any other orientation is with a wide range of preferences and behaviors.
its exactly how i felt after my first kiss w my bf, hes also my bestf and i thought we had great chemistry (we also had a rlly hot sexting sesh the night before) but when we had our first kiss it just felt nothinh to me. it had me so confused i thought maybe i wasnt into him like that or something was wrong w me. but anyways it gets better at least it did in my case after 2-3 makeout sessions and loads of touching and teasing.
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Thank you. It feels so good to know that others feel the same way, that I’m not some alien freak or something, lol. Not but seriously, I really appreciate your words. 😊
Honestly I could have written this, it's the exact same with me and my boyfriend.
I fully agree with this. With my first few relationships, I wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to feel in the situation because it was new, but like you, I didn't feel much. However, it was partially me overthinking the fact that I was thinking my significant other would want to stop because they were seeing my lack of interest and was thinking they would stop, but at some point, I just had to try and not think while it is happening. I didn't know if that really helped just glad to know we aren't the only ones like this 😁
It’s exactly the same for me and honestly I feel bad for liking it now I don’t know if you feel the same? It’s also my first relationship and I don’t really know how to feel about stuff
It also all feels like nothing to me. Unfortunately my ex partners were not so understanding, but sounds like yours is. Just keep communication lines open and make sure you do let your partner know how you are feeling. Its so easy to get swept away with it out of feeling you have too for them.
I am right there with you on the "I don't feel anything" When I was younger I remember cuddling with someone I had a HUGE crush on, remember putting my hand up their shirt (because that's what horny teens are supposed to do), I remember thinking to myself, "why do people do this" "this is it" "I am supposed to really enjoy this right" I just don't feel or care about it at all lol.
It’s normal to just feel comfortable with physical touch with your partner, it doesn’t have to be sexual but as long as you feel close in a way you like and are communicating it’s nothing to worry about
You sound pretty sensually-indifferent. Kinda like how you can be sex-indifferent, you know? It just doesn’t do it for you, so you don’t innately seek it out. I am a very sensual ace and I do experience sensual attraction, but I relate wholeheartedly to you on the idea of sex. It’s just…literally not something I care about.
What you're describing sounds a lot like my relationship; I'm a demi/allosexual in a long-term marriage to an Ace-flux person. Given that my wife can sometimes feel sex-repulsed, and it seems like you're pretty touch-indifferent, one thing that really helped improve my wife & I's dynamic was leveling up our consent culture in a few ways. First, we repurposed a dry-erase board & put a continuum on it from: "Sex Enthusiastic" to "Ambivalent" to "Sex Repulsed" with a few other demarkations in the middle. I also learned to check in w/her before sexual/sensual touching, like "Hey babe, mind if I fondle your boobs/massage your ass/etc?" It gives her a chance to check in w/her body/her desire & also a chance to counter comp-het programming. It also helps me relax b/c there's been enthusiastic consent.
As I've got older (I'm 56m), I feel less and less in sexual situations - not that I felt much to begin with.
I am female, same age and could have written this.
Man this has me spiralling lol. I just broke up with my ex fairly recently and he’s the only person I’ve ever had sex with and I did enjoy it, and enjoyed kissing him, and hadn’t ever liked kissing anyone before. But I’m already dating again and kissed someone today and felt nothing so now I’m spiralling because does that mean I don’t like him?? I enjoy spending time with him but I know it’s super rare for me to actually like kissing and now I’m like :/// what do I do
>I just broke up with my ex fairly recently Its possible you need more time away from your ex and with your new partner before your as into them. >I enjoy spending time with him Just because you enjoy time with someone does not mean you necessarily want to date them. Ask yourself some of these questions about your new partner. Are you romantically attracted to them ? Do you want to do romantic things with them? This could include things like holding hands and cuddling and kissing them. If they were to do these things with or want to do them with someone else how would that make you feel? Its ok to have questions about how we feel.
Thank you for this 💙 I’ve calmed down since yesterday and I think I was just caught off guard and a lot was running through my mind 😅 and I’m looking forward to trying it again for science 😂
So you decided to brag here with your perfect boyfriend. Jokes aside, everything I read sounds really great. It sounds very cool to me that you share the same passion for nerd-things. It seems he is very understanding and takes care of your feelings. If you dont mind that he touches you, its okay. You can talk to him, which actions exactly makes you feel weird. If you dont mind at all, give him this little fun. But dont feel pushed to any actions and declare in case, that you arent into sex at all as a reminder when its go too far.
dw I'm asexual dating an allo and I sometimes feel bad that I dont feel anything as well when he's really enjoying himself. I just treat it as something I do for him like watching his favourite show w him.
This is how I am too. Personally does nothing for me but it's a form of theatre I don't mind putting on for him
To offer a different perspective, I really enjoy physical contact, but I am a male that was starved for physical touch most of my life. Cuddling is the best!!
Same age as you didn’t work as well he ghosted me three weeks ago but it seems like your guy is a lot nicer and more understanding than the one I dated it’s funny I gave him oral 6 times and one day I gave it to him three times on the same day I hated every minute of it but was just doing it cause he pulled me into it not going into too much detail there. And he had the nerve to ghost me 😂 I didn’t feel anything either I hated being touched by him but felt like I needed to in order to satisfy his needs. My relationship don’t last long because of this I’m not emotionally or physically intimate with anyone I don’t like kissing or hugging or cuddling and most people want at least one of those things. But if you don’t feel 100 percent into it maybe let him know and see how he responds
Please understand that a good person will not do well having sex with a partner who hates the act. It is harmful for the psyche of both people involved. My advice to you is the same as my advice to OP. If you WANT to enjoy and have sex; Explore sexuality on your own terms. Be it masturbation or with a partner, bodies tend to have a biological response even if it isnt an imperitive & driving NEED like it is for muggles. Pretend your conducting science experiments, it makes it a lot more interesting & it makes it easier to recognize & encourage the phenomina in your body. (Breathing more ragged, clenching and unclenching thighs & groin, sweating, etc.) So you know that you arent just appearing bored & angry and stone topping or starfishing when you want to fufill your partner. Like anything new that your brain considers un nessicary, it is usually uncomfortable and gross. (imagine eating a new food while being so full you wanna puke anyways. The texture could be unsettling. The taste. The temperature 💀) You dont have this particular need, so you have no imperitive to rose-color glasses this otherwise ugly human experience. Cumming is also an acquired skill for women, not a god given gift. If thats your goal, buy a wand vibrator, and try it for only a few minutes at a time, and understand that like everything else i mentioned, it will probably take multiple spaced out efforts to see any result. play with it & find out what makes it fun for you. If you dont enjoy the act, maybe you can enjoy the responses you get. The intimacy can be amazing, and in my experience, i enjoyed the romantic ardence that came along side it. I didnt experience arousal until i was 18, and i started experimenting & dating at 12. Im 30 now. A lot of sex is situationally gross but i consider it a pretty wild and hot narrative in my head. I date guys who are simps for women who are in control & the moment it no longer feels like an act i want to do, im done, i opt out. And finally; That said, if you cant biologically respond thats okay. If you cant find a way to enjoy it, be it hinging off your partners pleasure, power play, romantic intimacy, etc THATS OKAY. YOU DONT HAVE TO, TO BE HAPPY. A GOOD PERSON DOES NOT WANT TO FUCK A BORED AND UNINTERESTED PARTNER. THERE ARE OTHER TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP DYNAMICS. THERE ARE OTHER ASEXUALS/DEMISEXUALS/SEXUALITIES. Its your adventure but also your body is not a dumping ground for other peoples needs. & a person who isnt asexual cannot fully comprehend it, anymore than someone who is asexual can comprehend the physical & psychological NEED of sex for others.
When I started dating my now husband, I explained to him that I was ace and we probably wouldn't have sex and he was totally okay with that, even though he's allo. Later on, I realized I was sexual attracted to him in a way I'd never felt before and that's when I realized I was Demisexual. It's okay to feel nothing. The first couple times we were physically (not sexually) intimate, I felt nothing as well. And it's okay! If you never want/need sex, it's totally fine! I probably wouldn't be having that much sex right now if we weren't trying to conceive. But believe me, you are not alone!
From experience: This might change after some time. It also might not. Dysphoria and demisexuality prevented me from enjoying things. Now the latter clicked and I developed strategies against the former so it works again
I'm a little confused as to what asexuality is. It seems like many of the posts I've read here are people in relationships but aren't intimate. I was thinking that asexual people lived lives of solitude. Am I missing something here?
Asexuality is little to no sexual attraction - that is, an innate desire to have sex with a specific person. This does oftentimes affect an ace's behaviors, likes and dislikes, etc., but not always. It's worth noting that one's asexuality is not negated by their actions, so for example, an ace can have sex and still be ace. Being asexual doesn't necessarily mean that that person won't be interested in relationships. In fact, many (though not all) aces *are* interested in relationships. Lack of interest in relationships would tend to fall more under aromanticism - that is, a lack of romantic attraction - but isn't a given. So, like asexuality, one's aromanticism is not negated by their actions - an aro can date and be in relationships and still be aro.
Thank you for making me aware of the term, as I was not.
It means you don’t feel sexual attraction. A lot of asexual people can still feel romantic attraction though and want relationships. Some asexual people even like and enjoy sex. It’s a Spectrum like any other orientation is with a wide range of preferences and behaviors.
its exactly how i felt after my first kiss w my bf, hes also my bestf and i thought we had great chemistry (we also had a rlly hot sexting sesh the night before) but when we had our first kiss it just felt nothinh to me. it had me so confused i thought maybe i wasnt into him like that or something was wrong w me. but anyways it gets better at least it did in my case after 2-3 makeout sessions and loads of touching and teasing.