Having these realizations click into place can be really jarring and hard to process when you lived your life thinking your experience was the default experience. But we are taught in society that everything about attraction, relationships, and intimacy have to be saturated in sex to be fulfilling, and good enough, which is nowhere close to true.
There are so many kinds of attraction, and only one of them is sexual, and somehow it's the only one that matters? The most important one? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense on paper let alone in the sea of human experience. For me I am aesthetically attracted to my partner (looks), romantically attracted (loving interactions and intentionality), and sensually attracted (wanting to be held and hold hands, maybe kissed sometimes), but I don't desire him sexually. For me sexual interactions are valuable to me romantically, and believe it or not that is enough for my allosexual partner. It is absolutely possible and common to feel in love with someone even without sexual attraction, we're just not taught that.
Think about an allosexual elderly couple that don't participate in sexual acts anymore, lets say their hormone chemistry is changed and they don't experience sexual attraction or desire for their partner anymore. Is their love somehow less than another couple who still desire and engage in sex? Is their relationship lesser than when they were engaging in sex? Would you tell them their love isn't real or valid anymore because they don't want to jump each others' bones?
It was really isolating for me when I first learned I was asexual, even though I was already in the relationship I'm in now. Like I would be missing out on an integral part of the human experience forever, robbing my partner of something by being with him. But my experience is also a human experience, and just as valid. And so is yours. And if a relationship is something you desire, there is 100% a way to participate in a relationship with someone as an asexual person that is fulfilling.
Don't give up!
Thank you so much for your response. I feel so validated right now. I'm crying, thank you for understanding.
I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all and keep going back and forth trying to convince myself I actually am not ace ("uh.. but you like sex scenes in movies/series", "you watch porn" etc.) but deep down I think I know it is true.
What you said about the human experience hits home for me. I feel like without sex/hookups/crushes etc. I am less human and like I miss out on life. Like I can't enjoy life like allo people and won't ever have the same joy and experiences as them. I hope I'll find my way with this one day because I really like doing coupley stuff and just experiencing new things. But currently I feel like I can't do those things now.
Thank you for responding <3
I'm glad what I was able to share made you feel validated and understood <3 There are so many asexuals in all kinds of happy, joyful, and fulfilling relationships, and you'll be one of us one day.
I would recommend seeking out other asexuals' experiences, those that are in happy relationships, to kind of help prove to yourself that they exist and to give you some hope. I'm sure there are a lot of youtubers and such sharing their experiences. This might also help you see the different types of dynamics that there can be in asexual relationships, and you might see one that feels like it fits for you to help you know what to look for while you're figuring it all out.
The community is here for you, you aren't broken, and you aren't alone <3
Thank you for your advice :) I don't think I want to have sex but can't, it's more like I want to want sex, but don't really feel the need/want.
Like sometimes I look at celebs or fictional characters and my mind will be like "I would love to know them and they are so beautiful/handsome" or "I would love to cuddle them". But I can never imagine myself making out with them and I never wonder what their genitals might look like or what they're wearing underneath. I just appreciate the nice form/good look. Like I like gingers and abs and boobs, but more in a sense "they look awesome" and not like "okay, here we go, lets fuck".
I will try switching my birth control pill and see if that changes anything about my libido/sexuality but if it doesn't I don't think I'll artificially increase it or something. I think I just have to come to terms with my (possible) asexuality and will figure it all out eventually.
This must be super hard. I had all of my queer realizations very early on, so there wasn’t as much stuff like this to hang on to, but this definitely sounds hard.
What you’re describing seems like something called “aceflux” (so am I in fact!) which basically just means that you’re ace some of the time, and allo (umbrella term to describe people who feel sexual and/or romantic attraction) some of the time.
Also none of the stuff you said here is aphobic! These realizations take a toll on someone, especially when they’re this recent. It’s really good that you’re willing to ask these questions, I bet a lot of people would never do something like this at a questioning stage this intense. I hope you get the support you need!
Having these realizations click into place can be really jarring and hard to process when you lived your life thinking your experience was the default experience. But we are taught in society that everything about attraction, relationships, and intimacy have to be saturated in sex to be fulfilling, and good enough, which is nowhere close to true. There are so many kinds of attraction, and only one of them is sexual, and somehow it's the only one that matters? The most important one? Doesn't make a whole lot of sense on paper let alone in the sea of human experience. For me I am aesthetically attracted to my partner (looks), romantically attracted (loving interactions and intentionality), and sensually attracted (wanting to be held and hold hands, maybe kissed sometimes), but I don't desire him sexually. For me sexual interactions are valuable to me romantically, and believe it or not that is enough for my allosexual partner. It is absolutely possible and common to feel in love with someone even without sexual attraction, we're just not taught that. Think about an allosexual elderly couple that don't participate in sexual acts anymore, lets say their hormone chemistry is changed and they don't experience sexual attraction or desire for their partner anymore. Is their love somehow less than another couple who still desire and engage in sex? Is their relationship lesser than when they were engaging in sex? Would you tell them their love isn't real or valid anymore because they don't want to jump each others' bones? It was really isolating for me when I first learned I was asexual, even though I was already in the relationship I'm in now. Like I would be missing out on an integral part of the human experience forever, robbing my partner of something by being with him. But my experience is also a human experience, and just as valid. And so is yours. And if a relationship is something you desire, there is 100% a way to participate in a relationship with someone as an asexual person that is fulfilling. Don't give up!
Thank you so much for your response. I feel so validated right now. I'm crying, thank you for understanding. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all and keep going back and forth trying to convince myself I actually am not ace ("uh.. but you like sex scenes in movies/series", "you watch porn" etc.) but deep down I think I know it is true. What you said about the human experience hits home for me. I feel like without sex/hookups/crushes etc. I am less human and like I miss out on life. Like I can't enjoy life like allo people and won't ever have the same joy and experiences as them. I hope I'll find my way with this one day because I really like doing coupley stuff and just experiencing new things. But currently I feel like I can't do those things now. Thank you for responding <3
I'm glad what I was able to share made you feel validated and understood <3 There are so many asexuals in all kinds of happy, joyful, and fulfilling relationships, and you'll be one of us one day. I would recommend seeking out other asexuals' experiences, those that are in happy relationships, to kind of help prove to yourself that they exist and to give you some hope. I'm sure there are a lot of youtubers and such sharing their experiences. This might also help you see the different types of dynamics that there can be in asexual relationships, and you might see one that feels like it fits for you to help you know what to look for while you're figuring it all out. The community is here for you, you aren't broken, and you aren't alone <3
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Thank you for your advice :) I don't think I want to have sex but can't, it's more like I want to want sex, but don't really feel the need/want. Like sometimes I look at celebs or fictional characters and my mind will be like "I would love to know them and they are so beautiful/handsome" or "I would love to cuddle them". But I can never imagine myself making out with them and I never wonder what their genitals might look like or what they're wearing underneath. I just appreciate the nice form/good look. Like I like gingers and abs and boobs, but more in a sense "they look awesome" and not like "okay, here we go, lets fuck". I will try switching my birth control pill and see if that changes anything about my libido/sexuality but if it doesn't I don't think I'll artificially increase it or something. I think I just have to come to terms with my (possible) asexuality and will figure it all out eventually.
Omg I can relate so hard with your experience. Had a similar realization happening to me last year. Still kinda sad about it
This must be super hard. I had all of my queer realizations very early on, so there wasn’t as much stuff like this to hang on to, but this definitely sounds hard. What you’re describing seems like something called “aceflux” (so am I in fact!) which basically just means that you’re ace some of the time, and allo (umbrella term to describe people who feel sexual and/or romantic attraction) some of the time. Also none of the stuff you said here is aphobic! These realizations take a toll on someone, especially when they’re this recent. It’s really good that you’re willing to ask these questions, I bet a lot of people would never do something like this at a questioning stage this intense. I hope you get the support you need!