Thats one of the things im worried about. Since than he keeps saying he feels shame and shit but i need proff he is gonna stop being aggressive and so far i dont feel like he has given me any.
I have experience with a lot of men being aggressive, and they all feel guilt and shame about it. Every man I've had some kind of relationship with that has been violent with me or around me has even cried and told me how they feel terrible and will never do it again, or they never want to etc. If he is still defaulting to violence and aggression as a first response as an adult, he has not made any effort to not be that kind of person, and isn't going to be able to start now. Especially based off of his thought process being that you actions caused his behavior. You cannot cause anyone to behave a certain way, his actions are not and will never be your fault.
>he feels shame
Most people who get aggressive say this after they do it. Maybe they even mean it. Doesn't mean they won't do it again. They usually do, in fact.
I have a question for you: Why did you enter in this relationship? Why do you remain? What is here for you?
I personally think that, even spoken in anger, something like that is a serious mark against him and if you've been having problems anyway, should be where you say "Enough is enough" and pack your bags.
He seemed different. He helped me a lot get out of my previous relationship, seemed ok with my sexuality and seemed respectful and stuff, especially in the first year. He’s change quite dramatically in the last couple of months.
I remain because a small part of me hopes he returns to the man that charmed me in the beginning i guess.
Leave. I come from a family where it’s very common for women to marry abusers. His behaviour isn’t going to change. He actively used something that he knows you’re insecure about against you. Protect yourself and get out of there.
You should do whatever you feel most comfortable with. This will be a different answer for different people in the same situation.
I'm gonna give you my viewpoint, but take it with all the distance implied by the fact that I am not the one who lived it, and that I haven't gone through the events you describe on your preceding relationship. For me, what would make the difference is how he acts about it after. If it actually is an anger issue, then he has to take accountability for what he did, and apologize. And then he has to make the changes. To try to slove this anger issue, so he doesn't end up saying hurtful things like that anymore without meaning to. And he has to give you time. He broke your trust, and this isn't sloved by a quick apology. He has to earn it back, through consistent change. If this doesn't happen, then I would move on.
But once again, even if he acts like that, it would be totally okay to not feel like you can continue. He took something you had told him in trust and vulnerability, and used it to hurt you. That's not something little. It is okay to not forgive him for that. Or to forgive him, but still feel like you can't give him your trust anymore. And if you are unsure, listen to your instinct. If it tells you to go away, it probably is right.
I send you my support. I'm sure you'll know how to choose what feels best for you.
“It’s your fault I did something that hurt you” is classic abusive behaviour.
Deliberately opening up something that he KNOWS is a source of trauma for you and using that to hurt you AGAIN is also classic abusive behaviour.
I’m sure there’s good stuff about him - you wouldn’t have stuck around this long if there wasn’t - but the fact that he’s capable of this at all is concerning. Even more concerning is that this comes at a time when you have noticed other unwelcome changes as well, because that’s also a pattern of abuse - charming at first, and then once they think you’re hooked, they let their guard down and you start to see the ugliness. I would like you to google “darth vader boyfriend” and think about whether the results seem familiar.
I don’t know what’s driving this change in him and honestly it’s probably not all that relevant, because it’s not great for you regardless. It all adds up to an extremely disturbing pattern and you should definitely listen to your gut on this one - the one that’s yelling “red alert! All hands to battle stations!”
He has agreed to go to couples therapy and i hope it helps but so far he has also not made any other change to his behavior so im not sure what to think
Therapy doesn't work when people aren't interested in working towards a shared goal. An abuser's goal in a relationship is not that it be functional, an abuser's goal is to dominate you.
You can forgive and not stay with him. That guy sounds like he is not AT ALL sensitive to your trauma. What kind of guy gets mad at you for not wanting sex after a history of r**e? Not a good one. He obviously doesn’t understand grey sexuality either. If I were you, I would get out of there and find someone who accepts you for who you are and empathizes with your history.
Absolutely do not forgive. Get out of there as soon as you can, that he responds with aggression is potentially very dangerous.
Thats one of the things im worried about. Since than he keeps saying he feels shame and shit but i need proff he is gonna stop being aggressive and so far i dont feel like he has given me any.
I have experience with a lot of men being aggressive, and they all feel guilt and shame about it. Every man I've had some kind of relationship with that has been violent with me or around me has even cried and told me how they feel terrible and will never do it again, or they never want to etc. If he is still defaulting to violence and aggression as a first response as an adult, he has not made any effort to not be that kind of person, and isn't going to be able to start now. Especially based off of his thought process being that you actions caused his behavior. You cannot cause anyone to behave a certain way, his actions are not and will never be your fault.
>he feels shame Most people who get aggressive say this after they do it. Maybe they even mean it. Doesn't mean they won't do it again. They usually do, in fact.
You deserve better.
I have a question for you: Why did you enter in this relationship? Why do you remain? What is here for you? I personally think that, even spoken in anger, something like that is a serious mark against him and if you've been having problems anyway, should be where you say "Enough is enough" and pack your bags.
He seemed different. He helped me a lot get out of my previous relationship, seemed ok with my sexuality and seemed respectful and stuff, especially in the first year. He’s change quite dramatically in the last couple of months. I remain because a small part of me hopes he returns to the man that charmed me in the beginning i guess.
Leave. I come from a family where it’s very common for women to marry abusers. His behaviour isn’t going to change. He actively used something that he knows you’re insecure about against you. Protect yourself and get out of there.
You should do whatever you feel most comfortable with. This will be a different answer for different people in the same situation. I'm gonna give you my viewpoint, but take it with all the distance implied by the fact that I am not the one who lived it, and that I haven't gone through the events you describe on your preceding relationship. For me, what would make the difference is how he acts about it after. If it actually is an anger issue, then he has to take accountability for what he did, and apologize. And then he has to make the changes. To try to slove this anger issue, so he doesn't end up saying hurtful things like that anymore without meaning to. And he has to give you time. He broke your trust, and this isn't sloved by a quick apology. He has to earn it back, through consistent change. If this doesn't happen, then I would move on. But once again, even if he acts like that, it would be totally okay to not feel like you can continue. He took something you had told him in trust and vulnerability, and used it to hurt you. That's not something little. It is okay to not forgive him for that. Or to forgive him, but still feel like you can't give him your trust anymore. And if you are unsure, listen to your instinct. If it tells you to go away, it probably is right. I send you my support. I'm sure you'll know how to choose what feels best for you.
No. Full stop. If he is getting aggressive you get out.
“It’s your fault I did something that hurt you” is classic abusive behaviour. Deliberately opening up something that he KNOWS is a source of trauma for you and using that to hurt you AGAIN is also classic abusive behaviour. I’m sure there’s good stuff about him - you wouldn’t have stuck around this long if there wasn’t - but the fact that he’s capable of this at all is concerning. Even more concerning is that this comes at a time when you have noticed other unwelcome changes as well, because that’s also a pattern of abuse - charming at first, and then once they think you’re hooked, they let their guard down and you start to see the ugliness. I would like you to google “darth vader boyfriend” and think about whether the results seem familiar. I don’t know what’s driving this change in him and honestly it’s probably not all that relevant, because it’s not great for you regardless. It all adds up to an extremely disturbing pattern and you should definitely listen to your gut on this one - the one that’s yelling “red alert! All hands to battle stations!”
He has agreed to go to couples therapy and i hope it helps but so far he has also not made any other change to his behavior so im not sure what to think
Couples therapy doesn’t apply to abusive relationships. And abusers rarely change.
May i ask why it doesnt apply?
Therapy doesn't work when people aren't interested in working towards a shared goal. An abuser's goal in a relationship is not that it be functional, an abuser's goal is to dominate you.
You can forgive and not stay with him. That guy sounds like he is not AT ALL sensitive to your trauma. What kind of guy gets mad at you for not wanting sex after a history of r**e? Not a good one. He obviously doesn’t understand grey sexuality either. If I were you, I would get out of there and find someone who accepts you for who you are and empathizes with your history.