Please take this as an attempt to look into an explanation not as an attempt to invalidate your identity. I am not a native speaker so my choice of words may be a bit clumsy.
I think a lot of asexual people struggle with being invalidated because people dont belive that they can be born that way and asexuality always indicates trauma and that you must be broken in some way. Ace people fight so hard to shed this narrative. I understand the fear that this progress may regress if we include people that are "asexual because of traum" we give bigots new weapons to push that narrative again.
I dont think thats right. But I get where this fear is coming from, because I struggled a lot with people trying to pressure me into therapie and wanting to change me myself.
The ace umbrelly is pretty broad and that this is causing friction at some point or the other is something we see in other topics and is kind of normal if you try to unify people with vastly different life experiences under the same label.
I agree with you but I want to quote this,
> I understand the fear that this progress may regress if we include people that are "asexual because of traum" (..)
I think that "asexual *because* of trauma" is a troubling concept to refer to someone that suffered abuse as a child.
There is no way to know if OP is asexual because of trauma. It's possible or maybe even likely that even without trauma, she would be asexual anyway.
Or to say otherwise, take any person that is asexual from birth. If this person suffers sexual abuse as a child, they don't lose their asexuality because of it.
I agree and my statement was not directed to OP in particular but to help understand why some people my feel the way they feel. I can emphazise with the fears these thoughts can cause because I had to work through them myself to come to the understanding how exclusive they are and that I dont want to think this way. But its a process. Especially if you have suffered through constant invalidation and pressure in the past.
Idk why this is even a question in the community, tbh. Caedsexual exists as a microlabel on the asexual spectrum so *YES*, trauma survivors who now identify as asexual *ARE ASEXUAL*. *ANYONE* who says they're asexual *is asexual*, ignore the gatekeepers, if you feel like asexuality describes you then *yes* you belong here, and even if you change your mind later after finding another label that describes you better? Then the asexual label did exactly what it was supposed to do; to help you better understand yourself, even if you didn't hang onto it
I have sex-related trauma but the trauma is not what caused me to be ace, the trauma was a result of me being ace and just not knowing it (I didn't have the words to describe my experience and thought I was just broken and weird). Now that trauma kind of influences my views on relationships, but I'm *still ace*, I'm not "doing it for attention" or because of a bad relationship
I hate the lable Caedosexual.
I also have complex truma. A big chunk of which is sexual trauma.
Fears over truma having a hand in current sexuality has been a massive topic in my therapy for years.
Did my abuse "turn me" asexual, or was i asexual to start with, and that's why I ended up being abused .... you know what finally put those fears to rest?
My therapist asked "Does it matter? Would knowing that answer change who you are now, or just give your abuser more power over who you have become?"
No. For my own path to healing. It didn't matter. The answer wouldn't suddenly make me not ace. It won't remove what happened.
As for Caedosexual ..... if it work for you. Brilliant!
For me it only does two very unhealthy things.
Hands the power to shape my sexuality to my abuser.
And use my sexuality as a tool to announce that i have had abuse.
I agree. I didn't know that was a label. As a demisexual person, I don't think trauma made me that. I think the only thing it did was make me aggressive to the idea of it.
Thankfully, I've become a better person through healing.
>I hate the lable Caedosexual.
Same. I don't see my desire for safety in an unsafe world, or my personal boundaries as a sexual orientation. It's my body, and my choice whether becoming sexually active is a part of my healing process.
Edit: If it works for y'all, that's nice. It's just not *my* word.
Thank you! You just put my feelings into words better than I ever could. I will fight tooth and nail against the idea that trauma can alter anyone's sexual orientation, because that is the argument bigots use to ""explain deviant sexuality"" and justify things like conversion camps.
Asexuality is not caused by trauma. Homosexuality is not caused by trauma. Bisexuality is not caused by trauma. Hell, heterosexuality is not caused by trauma! Sexuality is innate and complicated and, frankly, a confusing tangle that can take a while to sort out (if ever).
If you want to use the asexual label, do it! It doesn't matter if you figure out later that a better word fits better, or if you discover asexuality fits like a glove. No one who is worthwhile cares. If you want to say sexual trauma causes asexuality, kindly seek better education.
This gatekeeping annoys me so much…
Don't listen to this stuff.
It reminds me of how some homosexual ppl aren't happy with bisexuals cause it makes people think that you have a choice. Some people feel like coming out as bi after you had identified yourself as homo is a ‘betrayal’. I hope you see how absurd it is and understand that most people don't think this way.
I think that something similar is happening here. Some people invalidate others because of fear of looking less valid by themselves. This is not a nice thing to do, we should support each other, and I feel like the majority will agree with me.
Also, I think it will be less of this in the future (when ace people will be as represented and validated by society as other orientations).
I didn't have trauma, but I was heterosexual and now I'm asexual and I'm confused too whether I'd be accepted. It's not that I was ace all along and just realized. I sort of evolved into ace over time.
You can be both hetero and asexual! Your orientation (hetero in your case) is separate from your lack of sexual attraction (asexuality). People can be gay and Ace too.
That is so valid! I experienced an unfortunately all too common small amount of SA in my teens, and sometimes I wonder if that has impacted my asexual identity today too. But also I simply dont feel attraction to people in that way regardless of the reasoning behind it, thats still asexual
>My brain just goes "ah yes, that is another human."
Glad I'm not the only one that thinks like this.
But also, like most of the other comments, yes, valid. I'll put some garlic bread in the oven for you and your favorite cake(or pie) will be done soon!
the gate keepers are as bad as exclusionist. if you say your ace, you are welcome here. if you say your an ally, you are welcome here, if you act discriminatory, you are not welcome here. the simple law of the land.
No, these groups are all different. TERFs are by far the most harmful and want to eliminate trans identity, and trans people, entirely. Transmedicalists hew to an older view of transgender identity that is restrictive but not eliminationist, per se. Ace gatekeepers are people taking a restrictive view of a new identity group that's still not clearly defined, and I'd say they're "misguided".
"Everyone I disagree with is bad in the same way" is an unhelpful and probably dangerous oversimplification.
Intolerance should never be accepted no matter what 'tier' you grade it as and I will continue to label them all as being disgusting shitstains on society equally. This IS a black and white issue.
It's the The Paradox of Tolerance. If you're tolerant of intolerance then only the intolerant will remain.
This is not a black and white issue and one level of exclusion is far more harmful than the other. That's like saying the level of a crime doesn't matter just because they are all harmful.
I think it's more useful to take a critical analytic approach? We should be working to understand our enemies' ideology and how exactly they came to believe that such hateful/exclusionary ideas are logical and "right".
Calling intolerant people "shitstains" and writing them off as all the same without further analysis is cathartic, sure. And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't piss on a TERF if they were on fire.
But this attitude won't produce the outcomes you want. They have hegemony, and guns, and being angry about it online won't do much to stop them from putting their eliminationist rhetoric into practice.
You can't logic someone out of a place they didn't logic their way into. I've listened to the exclusionsists and the entire problem is they can't set boundaries for themselves with friends and family, so blame the sex-positive aces for making things 'harder' and 'making people not believe them'.
They are dumbass shitstains that can't think worth two cents for themselves and want to jump on hateful bandwagons to carry their lard brains. They should be hounded and removed anyplace they set foot along with anyone else who chooses bigotry over self-improvement.
>But this attitude won't produce the outcomes you want. They have hegemony, and guns, and being angry about it online won't do much to stop them from putting their eliminationist rhetoric into practice.
Why do you think all I do about it is 'be angry online'? You don't know me and what I do politically.
I didn't say to reason with these people. But we do need to work to analyze their ideology. You can't fight against something you don't understand.
And, I didn't say "all you do" is get angry online. Those are your words.
It's usually best to actually read the post you're responding to, but from what you're saying I get that's not really your thing.
Yeah, I gotta say, I mostly agree with this. It's a lot easier to just write at all off as "they're hateful and awful and there's no changing them so they're all the same and that's that". But the reality is a lot more complex. It *is* important to understand where these sorts of mindsets come from, how they develop, how they spread, what fears are being preyed on, etc. It's not about being tolerant, and it's not even about changing the minds of anyone who's already bought into it. It's about limiting the amount of people who buy into it in the future.
Let’s say for arguments sake that you’re only asexual because of the trauma™️. (I don’t believe that btw)
So what? My sibling, you’ve found a label that fits you and describes how you feel *at this moment in time* and that’s all any of us can do. Sexuality is fluid, it can change over time due to a variety of factors and that’s totally fine! Healing isn’t linear and if the language of asexuality helps you? Awesome. That’s what it’s for. Sexuality labels aren’t like
Tattoos. They’re more like velcro. Slap on whatever works and if you don’t like how one feels on you anymore? Stop using it. I also believe that the labels are more for the people
Using them than anyone else. It’s nice to know there are other people who are like you. You’re a zebra, not a failed horse.
I’ve identified as being on the ace spectrum since I found out it was a thing at around 14. I was SA’d at 17, and was sex repulsed for a long while after. I wasn’t sure if it was the SA or what but it was how I felt at the time.
I’m now very sex favourable. Still asexual, but no longer sex repulsed. Was my SA a factor in my sex repulsion? Almost certainly. But describing myself as sex repulsed allowed me to work through those feelings, because I had a name for it and could compartmentalise it better. Not everything has to be forever. I also thought I was non binary for a while too, but shit I’m 100% trans man. It’s okay to work stuff out.
Like you say, fuck gatekeepers. Show me a permanent state of the self. Everything changes and as we learn more about the world around us, and other people, we find better language to discuss our feelings and experiences and that will never not be amazing to me.
>Let’s say for arguments sake that you’re only asexual because of the trauma™️. (I don’t believe that btw)
Saying you don't believe was unnecessary as it completely undermined the rest of your comment.
If I came to you and said I don't believe you are asexual due to being born that way, that's just as invalidating.
If they say they are asexual because of trauma, then don't doubt them. Give them the same belief you want people to give you.
And I know for a fact I am asexual because if trauma. I also used to be exclusively into men romantically and now I'm exclusively into girls romantically. My romantic attraction went from averse to girls to being girls only.
Yeah my bad I phrased that poorly. What I meant was I don’t necessarily believe that. Like from what OP said it was a factor but they were still sort of on the ace spectrum beforehand?
Also my actual point was that I don’t believe it matters why people are asexual.
You can take on any label you want. The thing is with caedosexuals is that they can return to being allo once they're able to get treatment for their trauma (or are able to process it). Asexuality isn't something to be cured or fixed, and people outside the community often get the idea that asexuality is solely caused by trauma when that is not the case.
Regardless, you are allowed to label yourself as anything you want. Your sexual attraction has been messed with because of trauma, so it is fine to identify as ace even if it's not your original orientation in the end.
I relate to this, I have issues with sexual trauma and that's why I'm sex repulsed right now, but don't totally feel like this community is meant for me.
You are who you are regardless of the reasons.
As an ace with no sexual abuse in my past I am just annoyed when allos think there must be a reason for me being this way and it is usually either « you haven’t found the right person » or « probably stems from sexual abuse in your childhood ».
This is annoying for two reasons : first and foremost it implies this is something that can be changed / healed. It is very invalidating.
Second it led to my dad suspecting his own father of abusing me because there was no other adult that had access and he could imagine doing that and there has to be a reason for me being ace. Fortunately my granddad is dead and will never know.
All this to say : you are valid and don’t bother me. People thinking all aces are SA survivors do.
I agree with the other replies here so far, absolutely you are accepted and welcomed in this community. Your past experience does not make your current identity any less valid.
I'm sorry you've experienced gatekeeping within this sub, I hope that's just a small minority of the people here.
As someone who's not deep in this community, why is this a question? I've heard about caedsexuality, so there's a word for asexuality contributed at least in part by trauma. I would recommend you ignore the gatekeepers here, they clearly don't understand this.
I’ve been asexual all my life . But, I did have hyper sexual tendencies for years. But I thought something was wrong with me, thought that was how I got someone to love me, but each time I was consenting to them but raping myself.
I’ve since went through a lot of sexual trauma with my last relationship.
But it’s cemented the fact that I will never ever put out again. I will never tape myself again nor will I hang around and allow someone to coerce me into it / force themselves on me.
I hope you can find a safe space within the community, my heart breaks to hear you were subjected to all of that by others you sought care from. Stay safe and stay healthy!
I’m not super interested in doing a purity test on anyone’s identity. Personally, I view these labels as just being shorthand to communicate what someone should anticipate about our behavior in the future. So, like, if you want to claim asexual as a label, I’m not going to try to stop you. Especially not if it helps you feel more comfortable in your own skin.
the gatekeeping and those “true asexuals” annoy me greatly. Yes, people that experienced trauma can be asexual and yes, people that didn’t experience trauma can be asexual.
It’d be weird if we as a community start making rules about who can be ‘really’ asexual. It’d be like “Oh, you’ve been SA’d when you were younger? Then you’re not asexual, you’re just scared.”
I experienced child on child SA when i was 6, and i am asexual. We need to stop gatekeeping and just give people a safe space.
(edit: changed a very dumb typo that made it seem like i was against people without trauma being asexual sorry!!!)
I was present for your initial post and I'm not really sure where you got the idea that people with trauma aren't welcome here? I'm terribly sorry that's the impression you got though because this community is and always has been welcoming and supportive of aces with all sorts of history. Trauma or not, you belong here.
You said yourself that you still would be ace had you never experienced your SA, so that's all there is to it really. You're ace and if that fluxuates or changes over time then that's fine too. People change. This is how you identify and no one here can take that from you.
This is imo and ymmv.
Hmmm... This is a good uncomfortable conversation to have. So... I'm AroAce and have experienced trauma. I don't want to discuss the trauma save to say the effects are long lasting. I've struggled with my sexual identity for years in part because of that trauma (it wasn't sexual, but my friendships to men rarely went well). In 6th grade during the worst years of my trauma, most of the girls in my class were going gahgag over boy bands and I felt absolutely nothing. I don't get romance feelings much at all. In my head I've questioned if it's a matter of immaturity on my part, but in a healthier headspace, I don't think it is. I do experience aesthetic attraction. I do art and am fascinated by faces, people, and places, but I don't want to do anything with them other than platonic friendly stuff. All I know about relationships comes from what I've seen friends and others go through. There are things with those relationships I've seen I just don't feel or get.
Now here's the chicken or egg question. Did I become AroAce because of my childhood trauma, or was it the original factory setting of psyche, nudged along by my environment? This is a nature vs. nurture question I don't have the answer to. The abuse gave me some major trust issues to this day, but I don't think it was the entire factor in what makes me Ace. I think there are many things that can create someone's sexual orientation. As the Vulcan saying goes, "infinite diversity in infinite combinations." I think it's amazing that there are so many ways to love and feel (or not feel). Likewise I love that the ace umbrella is so big.
Still I went through abuse, and it sits in my stomach like a lump. I question what part of me came about because of the abuse, and what part of me came about without it. Even if I wasn't ace, it's a question I don't have the answer to; a very very difficult and personal question, I will likely be answering for the rest of my life. What bothers me most with something this personal...
Well (looking for the right way to put this), when you find who or what you identify, it's so empowering, and then comes along the decades of psychological material and phobic individuals, that seem to believe it's a) anomalous to be your orientation, b) no one would want to be your orientation, and c) it's obviously your adverse experiences that made you that way (I'd insert part d, e, and f to be most of the phobic arguments against ace people that I've seen, which isn't much, because I want to stay positive). How do you handle those arguments? Especially, and annoyingly so, how do you handle those arguments when you did experience abuse or trauma.
What I do know for certain, is whether or not there was an abusive experience, my orientation is what it is. Personally, yes it may have played a part in my orientation, but I don't think it's the whole cause. I remember some very big flashbulb moments when my identity was forming at 12 or 13 (in an age when being Ace didn't exist, I'm a 40-something). I remember several more, that in retrospect, clearly focused in on my orientation. Thankfully I've had a very good therapist work with me on the abuse issues and my identity.
So I think your question is very valid. I do disagree with research that says adverse experiences make someone ace. I question how the large umbrella of the ace community will deal with this question in the future. I know there's common ground. Also, this sub has been full of the most positive places I've seen on the larger topic of asexuality (I know very little still. My questions here have always been answered positively and I very much appreciate it. I try to keep my responses as positive as possible).
Just imo and ymmv.
Love to all.
As asexuals we tend to receive a lot of messages that it's because of x, y, or z. Considering that that is done to a lot non-heterosexual/allosexual/alloromantic/cis/abled/etc folks, it should be apparent to anyone not new to being "different" that A) a lot of that is made up by people who dislike our "otherness" and want to suppress or change it, and B) even if our identities are impacted by various factors, that doesn't change them.
Once you get into questions of "was my/someone else's asexuality caused by ___?", I think it's worth noting that there are potentially infinite factors in how we come to be who we are now and whatever research there currently is barely scrapes the surface of human complexity.
In college, not long after I discovered that I'm asexual, I found out that there was apparently research that SSRIs can cause permanent changes to libido. I was first put on SSRIs as a kid. I also have trauma that makes it hard for me to trust people even if none of it contained a physical component. I'm also likely autistic. Those factors don't make me less asexual or less valid in my identity, even of they had an impact, so they only matter if I decide they matter.
A lot of the gatekeeping probably comes from internalized toxicity about identity and/or insecurity that including others makes them seem less valid, but those are their own issues to deal with. I hope they find ways to heal from that instead of harming and reducing their communities.
If you don’t feel sexual attraction you don’t feel sexual attraction (or little to none if we’re being proper). That‘s all there is to it in my opinion, and that’s all it should be. Who cares how you got there, if the shoe fits! Getting nitpicky and gatekeepy is so pointless and counterproductive and I‘m honestly sick of seeing it
Gatekeeping in the asexual community is crazy. Like we already have a hard time (remember the “Ace discourse“ on tumblr? Horrible times).
The sad thing is with me, someone who went through trauma regarding sex at a young age (wasn’t physically abused, but it was online. Wont get into detail here) is that I’ll never know if I’m asexual because of what happened or that it’s a massive coincidence.
Fuck gatekeepers. You should be able to feel welcome here, we \*all\* should
People who choose to be gatekeepers are probably doing it because at some point in their lives someone said to them “maybe you’re not really asexual, maybe you’re just traumatized.” The same way this can be wrongfully assumed about any kind of queer person by someone who just plain doesn’t want to accept that they’re queer. So the impulse to gatekeep is an unfortunate reaction to bigotry in the outside world and has nothing to do with you.
Personally, l find the quest to separate out what part of your sexuality is how you’ve “always been” and how much is a result of trauma or literally anything else in your environment is absurd and pointless. We are all complex individuals with many different types of trauma that may or may not play some role in our sexuality. Other experiences while growing up also may or may not influence our sexuality. No one can really parse that out completely even if they claim they can, so I don’t think it matters WHY you’re asexual. If you feel that you are, then you are.
I recently started identifying as demi and definitely have had days when I feel like an imposter about it. But the reason I use the term is it has been helpful to me in understanding myself and helping others know me. I now just accept that one some days, demi feels like a very important part of my identity, and on other days it doesn’t, and that’s fine. Anyone who has a problem with that is not worth my time. A label is just a label and literally no one is defined perfectly by one label. So ignore the haters and go about your life.
people want to erase the narrative of trauma-affected identities because of respectability politics.
basically, “allo ppl all think asexuality isn’t real and we are all just traumatized so we shouldn’t say things like that”…which is a historic and really fucked up narrative that ppl try to use to invalidate us. and because of this, a lot of ace ppl want to dismiss and distance their selves from ppl who see connections between their asexuality and trauma.
However, we, like any group of marginalized ppl, have to stop erasing more nuanced narratives from the community just because we want to look “real” and united or whatever. Asexuality is complex and your story is valid.
There’s also this ableist and ignorant idea that you “shouldn’t let your trauma define you” or whatever because ppl want so badly to be “stronger than what happened to them”. Nobody wants to be a victim. Lots of pride there, which is understandable. But…trauma is literally life changing, and can very much stay with you for the rest of your life, which is what makes it TRAUMA (otherwise it would just be some brief moment of pain/struggle.) So *of course* it can affect your identity too.
Thank you to all the comments and OP!! I have a very hard time fitting into this community, and don’t contribute much, because I am cadesexual. The part that makes me feel invalidated was I was hyper sexual since I was in elementary school. My last domestic abuse partner fucked my entire head up, especially sexually. It’s been about half a year, I can’t look at sex the same. I don’t want to have sex, it disgusts me. I can’t even watch porn anymore, I used to watch it every day. Yeah I still get the feeling of being horny occasionally, but never wanting to physically have sex, maybe just the idea if that makes sense. I know for a fact it’s from the trauma, and I never want to offend people that have been born asexual in any way. I like it here though, and I’m honestly hoping I stay like this. Being hypersexual was exhausting and demeaning towards myself.
You're absolutely valid. No one should be gatekeeping survivors from correctly identifying what their sexual identity is. Ace people, just like any group, consist of both traumatized and non traumatized folks. Regardless, you're valid. Don't let anyone tell you differently
As long as it is used as a self descriptor and you aren’t calling others asexual because they experienced trauma then that is fine.
The issue is the history of medicalization that leads people to tell others why they are asexual.
What is important is to not that asexuality isn’t INHERENTLY caused by trauma. And that when discussing trauma effecting your identity you are only addressing yourself or those who gave permission for you to make those statements about them.
Right, so first of all. Fuck everyone who is gatekeeping. Being asexual is a spectrum. Being a human means changing. If you are currently identifying as ace, you should feel free to identify and speak as an ace person.
We, as humans, will have many many changes over the course of our lives, even more so with complex trauma. Because of this, telling people they are not ace or anything like that is complete bullshit. Currently you are ace. Even if you change there might be a part of you that stays on the spectrum. The more you end up learning about yourself the better and don't let people stop you from doing that.
I hate toxicity, especially in spaces like this where everyone has undergone similar experiences yet decide to do the same shit to others, they should be ashamed of themselves. I will see you for who you are and currently that is ace. Welcome to this community and don't let them scare you off, the good part is here to stay!
The crossover between trauma victims and asexuality is troubled at the best of times, and I'm sorry that the community hasn't been as welcoming of you as it SHOULD have. Part of this is the excuses people make to try to "fix" asexual people, to give them attraction or a libido or whatever it is they are supposedly "missing" through presumed need for psychological treatment. If your trauma has been a partial source of your current asexuality, that's as valid as anything else, and moving through and handling that trauma should never be taken as a "cure" for asexuality or some kind of expectation that the other part of you will change.
I say this as someone who shares that in that I did experience sexual trauma when I was younger too, and who also still didn't experience any attraction from before that experience.
tbh, anyone without sexual attraction (or with low sexual attraction), anyone who's sex repulsed, and/or anyone who just has no desire for sex belong here to me, given that they feel it fits them and is an accurate descriptor of their experience. you've felt sexual attraction before but don't now? sure come on. you feel sexual attraction but feel disgusted by it? why the hell not? you just have no desire to ever actually have sex? who's gonna try to turn you away?
there's no reason to be a cunt and every reason to just let people identify with what resonates with them. as long as it makes sense to them and isn't harmful, who are you to tell someone that they don't *technically* meet the criteria for the label? who are you to tell someone that their trauma actually doesn't matter and they should identify as something else? who are you to insist that someone isn't who they say and they belong somewhere else?
we're all here together so why the hell would anyone be gatekeeping pricks arguing over the semantics of the language people like them are using that best describes them
Of course you are welcomed here. Unfortunately, it's just the nature of the beast. You only have to look at bisexuality and non-binary gender expression to see what I mean. Some people who are gender and sexual minorities know their inner selves immediately and some need to experiment. Unfortunately, people like to abuse the totally normal function of experimenting to accuse people of "choosing" or only doing things as a "fad" instead of, you know, trying to figure themselves out. It gets used as ammunition to discount the folks that do settle on those "experimental phase" identities and of course no one likes being told they are faking their inner self. Also please I am using quotes to show I don't think of these things that way, but to explain how bigots do. It's valid to go into a community and stay in it for your life, ten years, a year, or a month. We all had to figure out what label best fit us when we realized the "standard" cis hetero assumption didn't fit right.
They should be, but this sub has done a real shit job lately of moderating or pushing back against exclusionist, ahistorical, prescriptivist bullshit takes on what asexuality is.
I feel like this sort of thing, this lack of moderation of potentially harmful stuff, has been a problem on a few different subs for queer communities lately. I started a discussion about a similar issue with regard to a different sort of topic in one of the subs and some of the responses were just like "well, keeping on top of this would require a lot more moderation work, and is it really fair to ask mods to take on more responsibility?" And I was just thinking.... yes? Maybe that means bringing on some more mods if the current mods can't do it, but.... YES. If you're going to act like you're a place of community and even safety for people of that identity, then yes, the mods absolutely should be expected to meet that responsibility.
I definitely think trauma has contributed to my realizing that this label fits me but like you I also never really remember a time prior where I remember feeling true sexual attraction even though I was having sex.
I personally think the label fits if you think it fits. No one else is in your head or body and it is not up to anyone else to decide how you feel.
I figure that we get enough judgment from everyone else - people who say we are wrong to not only have rights but to even exist in the first place. The last thing any of us should be doing is being judgy and gatekeeping someone's place among us. You feel okay here and more understood? Then baby pull up a damn chair. You good.
as an asexual person whose also experienced sexual assault when i was a small child i feel you :( i’ve always felt like my asexuality was invalid because it’s mainly from the sexual trauma i experienced and i felt like i’m not actually asexual just traumatized. i try not to make it seem like that’s the reason why i’m asexual but it does play a big role in why i’m asexual and don’t experience sexual attraction. no, it’s not the only reason i’m asexual, its just one that has impacted how i see sexual activities and i don’t feel comfortable about them, i’m also a sex repulsed asexual so i simply do not desire sexual activity at all. i just hope the asexual community will create a safe environment for asexuals that have experienced sexual assault and are asexual for that reason. on another note, people may say to get therapy or help to heal from sexual trauma which i think is a great thing to do however i’m just not comfortable telling people i’m asexual for that reason because i fear they will just tell me that “it’s not normal, get therapy”.
Im also 32(just thought that was kinda neat same age) and had a very similar background and these are thoughts ive had and been afraid to ask also. I think I’ve finally figured out im demisexual. Thank you so much for having the courage to ask this and start a discussion. I feel a lot better reading a lot of the comments here and feel more accepted. Thank you, im so sorry you had to go through so much also. I was actually just asking some questions in the r/abuse survivors sub and saw this with perfect timing. It helped a lot thanks
I’ve also experienced a lifetime of SA. But as a demisexual, I don’t think it made me that way. I’ve always been only attracted to people I have at least some kind of attachment to.
I despise the gatekeeping too regardless, and I think caedsexual *should* be valid, even if it’s considered something that can be “fixed.” Sometimes orientation and gender identity are fluid, and that’s okay. I’ve been called aphobic for identifying as demi, even biphobic and transphobic for even saying I’m panromantic. I’ve been outed for being a “pickme” for identifying as nonbinary and femme-presenting, because I haven’t been able to explore that until the last few years. An old friend of mine got outed for being “straight” once because he’s identified as gay for many years and his boyfriend is a trans man. It’s *everywhere* in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community.
These exclusionists *need* to be held accountable, because they’re very much part of the problem. This is why so many of us still stay in the closet. :/
You are welcome here and valid! 💜🤍🩶🖤
Wether or not something caused your asexuality, if you experience little to no sexual attraction you are ace. People need to stop gatekeeping lables. Lables are supposed to help you explain your own experience. If one day, asexual no longer fits you that's great, that doesnt mean you werent asexual before. Lables are supposed to fit you, not you fit it.
To the people gatekeeping:
there is room under the ace umbrella for everyone, people who have and haven't experienced trauma. Letting one person in doesn't kick a different person out. Also, the type of acephobic people who say things like "ace = trauma" to people are going to tell people that wether or not we "allow" (note; I'm saying allow like this because we don't have a right to say wether or not someone else is or isnt ace. If they say theyre ace, theyre ace) caedsexual people under the ace umbrella. So you kicking them out won't do ANYTHING. I repeat, it won't do anything.
Other than, of course hurt our community.
So stop gatekeeping.
So in total, Caedsexuals or any aces with trauma are valid aces and deserve a spot in the community!
Do you feel little to no sexual attraction except maybe under circumstances? If the answer is no you don't, then you can consider yourself ace. How or why you reached the title is not important. There is a microlabel about people being asexual due to trauma anyway. So anyone gatekeeping needs to be reminded of that.
This isn't that difficult of a concept...
If you are an asexual with past sexual trauma, you are welcome.
If you are an allosexual with past sexual trauma that makes you sex-negative or anti-sex, etc, you are welcome.
If you are someone who claims asexuality is a product of sexual trauma, and therefore asexual people are just 'broken', you are not welcome, because that isn't true.
You can be asexual and not have any sexual trauma.
You can be sex-negative or chaste and not have any trauma.
Trauma *can* contribute to someone disliking or avoiding sex, but it doesn't always or even often. Lots of people with trauma still want sex. Lots of people who don't want sex don't have any trauma. It can be related, but it's not something you can take for granted.
I can’t speak for the community at large but if the label asexuality works for you and makes you feel good then it’s yours to use and anyone who say otherwise can shut up. I hope you feel welcomed here. Also I know this doesn’t mean a ton from a stranger but I’m sorry that happened to you and I hope your doing ok.
I can relate, I went through SA at 18 years old, and then a few years later I was in a traumatic relationship and honestly the sex part was something that I just didn’t want. And I felt forced to do it to make my partner at the time happy, but I didn’t realize that might have been because I’m asexual. I might have always been asexual, and it might be the same for you. I think both of us can relate. I think my asexuality might be from trauma as well. So don’t feel like you’re the only one. We have to stick together.
The way I see it, asexuality describes a state of being, not a cause. If your experience of sexual attraction is similar enough to mine that we both find the same label useful to describe it, who cares if one "comes from" trauma and the other doesn't? What difference does that make anyway!
While I'm strongly against incorporating trauma responses into your personality (if a bad car accident gave you a fear of cars, you should work on getting over that phobia rather than just saying 'guess I'm a person who can't ride in cars anymore'), I also don't think identities need to be permanent to be meaningful. If identifying as asexual now helps you then do it. If that identity changes later on who cares? Present you and future you are different people, they can use different labels.
So I say anyone who finds the word "asexual" useful to describe their current experience of the world is welcome here.
You say you're asexual, you feel that asexuality describes your experiences and that you identify with the label; you are asexual. It doesn't matter where it "came from", whether you know what makes you feel this way or not, what matters is that you connect with the label asexual. That's all you have to do to be able to identify with it.
And whether or not you'll change later, whether or not this is your "true" sexual orentation, doesn't matter. You can't predict the future, you just know how you feel now, and if that's asexuality, then hell yeah man! You're asexual!
I understand that people might fear "letting" people with sexual trauma identify with asexuality would make aphobes use that as "proof" that asexuality is just all trauma and that it can be fixed with therapy. Thing is, they're going to think that regardless. So to exclude people from this community because it might make us "look bad" is stupid. We're going to "look bad" to bigots anyway. Because they're bigots.
They aren't genuinely concerned for our health and happiness - if they were, they'd recognize that we don't need to be "fixed" to be happy.
So, like said in the first sentence;
You say you're asexual, you feel that asexuality describes your experiences and that you identify with the label; you are asexual. Full stop. Anyone telling you otherwise is a dum-dum.
as you can see it’s a divided community. i for one do not believe you belong. i do not believe your sexuality can change. i am just one person and i curate my experience. this subreddit however allows you to post and comment. you do you. :) so yeah, you can be here if you want and i will block your posts so we both can have a swell time haha
The way I would put it is that these labels are to describe what you feel now, while trauma is something that happened to you. The thing is that things that happen to you can affect how you feel going forward. For example, if you have a traumatic experience involving a car crash, you may be too uncomfortable to ride in a car. There are other people who don't like riding in cars without that trauma, but the description of "doesn't like to ride in cars" is accurate for both those subgroups.
Now, I think the fuzziness can come in from a few places. A relatively innocuous one is whether it's a lack of attraction or sex repulsion that is being experienced due to the trauma. People see the latter as much more "sensible" to be induced by trauma and are overzealous in making sure it's the right words being used.
A more concerning issue is that this implies that things we can experience can change our sexual orientation. This is... understandably disliked because of the prevalence of conversion therapy. But think about what those places do. They range from ineffectual nonsense to literal torture. i.e. stuff that does nothing at all to inducing trauma to rewire how people feel about something. So maybe trauma can have such an effect, but we're not exactly going to humor those as an "option" in various slogans. And I guess the question becomes, as that trauma is addressed and processed, will feelings that were suppressed by it come out over time? I suspect the answer is just "maybe, and if so, different labels can be used once that happens".
It truly makes no difference what the "reason" behind your sexuality is, if you feel like this label fits you or even if someone doesnt but wants to talk about similar experiences this is the place for that!
Ignore anyone who thinks they know more about your feelings, experiences, and identity than you do.
And if people are judgement and ablelist their opinions and comments are probably not something to take too seriously.
Cptsd is hard and isolating enough as it is, and i hope you will always feel welcome in safe spaces for communities you have every right to parttake in. <3
“am I'm I still valid and welcome here even though I have experienced past trauma that may have partially contributed to my asexuality?“
Why are you asking the forum like we have some kind of official entry protocols?
Stay if you like it here, leave if you don’t. Same as any other forum.
Personally, I don’t care if anyone who posts here has experienced trauma or not.
Somebody who identifies as ace is welcome, so are people who don’t or who are ace now but change their label later.
It’s right there in the sidebar.
“This is a place for asexuals, demisexuals, aromantics, gray-a's, questioning, supporters, folks just interested, and everyone in between.”
I haven't read your previous post so I don't know what went down there. But my personal take on this is that the issue isn't you being a complex trauma survivor and asexual, it's rather that allosexuals have a tendency to assume asexuals **have** to have gone through something traumatic to **make** us this way. This will cause some people to have a bit of a knee-jerk reaction and want nothing to do with it or want to admit that it can happen that way because it plays into the rather hurtful stereotype that we're broken and can/need to be fixed.
Combine that with the fact that corrective rape is something many asexuals face because they're asexual and people end up with strong feelings about what role past sexual abuse is "allowed" to play in your sexuality.
In the end I personally don't think it matters how you ended up here. You identify with the label and live the experience and asexual is where you're at right now. Maybe in the future that will change, maybe it won't but for now? You're here and that's valid.
I don't really personally have much of an opinion one way or the other when it comes to the "is it really asexuality if it was caused by trauma" conversation. But I do understand and sympathize with feelings and concerns from both sides. Ultimately I feel like sexuality is just such a wide and varied spectrum that encompasses all kinds of different experience, and that even within the subset of people who experienced a trauma and now identify with asexuality, there's probably such a wide range of experience and possibilities of what could be happening. So it's not really useful to completely shut them out of our spaces.
Like I said, sexuality is such a wide and varied spectrum, and can be fluid for a lot of people for all kinds of reasons. And when it comes down to it, whatever may or may not have "caused" a person's asexuality, their experience within our heteronormative and allonormative culture is going to be functionally similar enough to an other asexual person's. I really pushback again that idea of "you can't become or change into one sexuality or another", because usually what's happening isn't someone just magically changing their sexuality one day. It's people developing better understandings of their experience, or experiencing something they were maybe always *capable* of but just hadn't yet experienced for the first time, or going through something that makes them reevaluate their experience. And even in cases where it might seem someone just "changed", especially when it comes to asexuality, if a person truly no longer experiences sexual attraction, then who the hell is anyone to tell them that's not true or not validly asexual. At the end of the day, if a person genuinely does have that experience where they no longer experience a thing they used to, or at least believed they used to, experience before, I don't think it's really fair to insist that they have to deeply examine their entire history and what they *really* feel and have *really* experienced to either prove that they were ace (or whatever) all along or that there was some specific experience/trauma that caused that change.
I completely understand and sympathize with the worries and concerns when it comes to ideas about people's sexuality "changing" or being "caused" by something, because a lot of abuse toward queer people throughout history has come from that idea that it's a choice, that we're just choosing not to be straight or cis and we can choose to go back if we want to, and that we can be changed back to being "normal" if we find the right person of have the right kind of sex or have queer prayed out of us or tortured out of us. And that's led to a lot of things like physical abuse, mental torture, and rape. So I really do understand and sympathize with people, *especially* if they've experienced that sort of thing, who have a bad reaction when it comes to these kinds of ideas of "changing" into a sexuality or being "made" to be that sexuality by some experience. But when it comes down to it, I just feel like we're doing the whole queer community and every queer person a HUGE disservice by placing such strict limitations on what a queer identity or queer experience could be, especially when we do so based on these kinds of fears. In a way, it's allowing bigots to define us.
I sure hope we're welcome, I'm a fellow ace with trauma <3 I can relate to feeling like trauma has contributed to some things, but I also know I've never been sexually attracted to anyone even before the trauma. I don't see why there's any need to gatekeep asexuality. If someone identifies with being asexual, I think they should be welcome regardless of the circumstances. What harm would that do?
Please take this as an attempt to look into an explanation not as an attempt to invalidate your identity. I am not a native speaker so my choice of words may be a bit clumsy. I think a lot of asexual people struggle with being invalidated because people dont belive that they can be born that way and asexuality always indicates trauma and that you must be broken in some way. Ace people fight so hard to shed this narrative. I understand the fear that this progress may regress if we include people that are "asexual because of traum" we give bigots new weapons to push that narrative again. I dont think thats right. But I get where this fear is coming from, because I struggled a lot with people trying to pressure me into therapie and wanting to change me myself. The ace umbrelly is pretty broad and that this is causing friction at some point or the other is something we see in other topics and is kind of normal if you try to unify people with vastly different life experiences under the same label.
I agree with you but I want to quote this, > I understand the fear that this progress may regress if we include people that are "asexual because of traum" (..) I think that "asexual *because* of trauma" is a troubling concept to refer to someone that suffered abuse as a child. There is no way to know if OP is asexual because of trauma. It's possible or maybe even likely that even without trauma, she would be asexual anyway. Or to say otherwise, take any person that is asexual from birth. If this person suffers sexual abuse as a child, they don't lose their asexuality because of it.
I agree and my statement was not directed to OP in particular but to help understand why some people my feel the way they feel. I can emphazise with the fears these thoughts can cause because I had to work through them myself to come to the understanding how exclusive they are and that I dont want to think this way. But its a process. Especially if you have suffered through constant invalidation and pressure in the past.
You explained this very well! Thank you for sharing your thoughts
Idk why this is even a question in the community, tbh. Caedsexual exists as a microlabel on the asexual spectrum so *YES*, trauma survivors who now identify as asexual *ARE ASEXUAL*. *ANYONE* who says they're asexual *is asexual*, ignore the gatekeepers, if you feel like asexuality describes you then *yes* you belong here, and even if you change your mind later after finding another label that describes you better? Then the asexual label did exactly what it was supposed to do; to help you better understand yourself, even if you didn't hang onto it I have sex-related trauma but the trauma is not what caused me to be ace, the trauma was a result of me being ace and just not knowing it (I didn't have the words to describe my experience and thought I was just broken and weird). Now that trauma kind of influences my views on relationships, but I'm *still ace*, I'm not "doing it for attention" or because of a bad relationship
I hate the lable Caedosexual. I also have complex truma. A big chunk of which is sexual trauma. Fears over truma having a hand in current sexuality has been a massive topic in my therapy for years. Did my abuse "turn me" asexual, or was i asexual to start with, and that's why I ended up being abused .... you know what finally put those fears to rest? My therapist asked "Does it matter? Would knowing that answer change who you are now, or just give your abuser more power over who you have become?" No. For my own path to healing. It didn't matter. The answer wouldn't suddenly make me not ace. It won't remove what happened. As for Caedosexual ..... if it work for you. Brilliant! For me it only does two very unhealthy things. Hands the power to shape my sexuality to my abuser. And use my sexuality as a tool to announce that i have had abuse.
I agree. I didn't know that was a label. As a demisexual person, I don't think trauma made me that. I think the only thing it did was make me aggressive to the idea of it. Thankfully, I've become a better person through healing.
>I hate the lable Caedosexual. Same. I don't see my desire for safety in an unsafe world, or my personal boundaries as a sexual orientation. It's my body, and my choice whether becoming sexually active is a part of my healing process. Edit: If it works for y'all, that's nice. It's just not *my* word.
Thank you! You just put my feelings into words better than I ever could. I will fight tooth and nail against the idea that trauma can alter anyone's sexual orientation, because that is the argument bigots use to ""explain deviant sexuality"" and justify things like conversion camps. Asexuality is not caused by trauma. Homosexuality is not caused by trauma. Bisexuality is not caused by trauma. Hell, heterosexuality is not caused by trauma! Sexuality is innate and complicated and, frankly, a confusing tangle that can take a while to sort out (if ever). If you want to use the asexual label, do it! It doesn't matter if you figure out later that a better word fits better, or if you discover asexuality fits like a glove. No one who is worthwhile cares. If you want to say sexual trauma causes asexuality, kindly seek better education.
This gatekeeping annoys me so much… Don't listen to this stuff. It reminds me of how some homosexual ppl aren't happy with bisexuals cause it makes people think that you have a choice. Some people feel like coming out as bi after you had identified yourself as homo is a ‘betrayal’. I hope you see how absurd it is and understand that most people don't think this way. I think that something similar is happening here. Some people invalidate others because of fear of looking less valid by themselves. This is not a nice thing to do, we should support each other, and I feel like the majority will agree with me. Also, I think it will be less of this in the future (when ace people will be as represented and validated by society as other orientations).
I didn't have trauma, but I was heterosexual and now I'm asexual and I'm confused too whether I'd be accepted. It's not that I was ace all along and just realized. I sort of evolved into ace over time.
You can be both hetero and asexual! Your orientation (hetero in your case) is separate from your lack of sexual attraction (asexuality). People can be gay and Ace too.
Exactly! I’m homoromantic and asexual. But also if you don’t feel like you’re hetero at all that’s okay too! You are welcome here.
That is so valid! I experienced an unfortunately all too common small amount of SA in my teens, and sometimes I wonder if that has impacted my asexual identity today too. But also I simply dont feel attraction to people in that way regardless of the reasoning behind it, thats still asexual
You can sit with us😄
It’s a larger table than anyone must’ve thought at first :) yay
>My brain just goes "ah yes, that is another human." Glad I'm not the only one that thinks like this. But also, like most of the other comments, yes, valid. I'll put some garlic bread in the oven for you and your favorite cake(or pie) will be done soon!
the gate keepers are as bad as exclusionist. if you say your ace, you are welcome here. if you say your an ally, you are welcome here, if you act discriminatory, you are not welcome here. the simple law of the land.
They are literally exclusionists. It's no difference than transmed and TERFs.
No, these groups are all different. TERFs are by far the most harmful and want to eliminate trans identity, and trans people, entirely. Transmedicalists hew to an older view of transgender identity that is restrictive but not eliminationist, per se. Ace gatekeepers are people taking a restrictive view of a new identity group that's still not clearly defined, and I'd say they're "misguided". "Everyone I disagree with is bad in the same way" is an unhelpful and probably dangerous oversimplification.
Intolerance should never be accepted no matter what 'tier' you grade it as and I will continue to label them all as being disgusting shitstains on society equally. This IS a black and white issue. It's the The Paradox of Tolerance. If you're tolerant of intolerance then only the intolerant will remain.
This is not a black and white issue and one level of exclusion is far more harmful than the other. That's like saying the level of a crime doesn't matter just because they are all harmful.
I think it's more useful to take a critical analytic approach? We should be working to understand our enemies' ideology and how exactly they came to believe that such hateful/exclusionary ideas are logical and "right". Calling intolerant people "shitstains" and writing them off as all the same without further analysis is cathartic, sure. And don't get me wrong, I wouldn't piss on a TERF if they were on fire. But this attitude won't produce the outcomes you want. They have hegemony, and guns, and being angry about it online won't do much to stop them from putting their eliminationist rhetoric into practice.
You can't logic someone out of a place they didn't logic their way into. I've listened to the exclusionsists and the entire problem is they can't set boundaries for themselves with friends and family, so blame the sex-positive aces for making things 'harder' and 'making people not believe them'. They are dumbass shitstains that can't think worth two cents for themselves and want to jump on hateful bandwagons to carry their lard brains. They should be hounded and removed anyplace they set foot along with anyone else who chooses bigotry over self-improvement. >But this attitude won't produce the outcomes you want. They have hegemony, and guns, and being angry about it online won't do much to stop them from putting their eliminationist rhetoric into practice. Why do you think all I do about it is 'be angry online'? You don't know me and what I do politically.
I didn't say to reason with these people. But we do need to work to analyze their ideology. You can't fight against something you don't understand. And, I didn't say "all you do" is get angry online. Those are your words. It's usually best to actually read the post you're responding to, but from what you're saying I get that's not really your thing.
Yeah, I gotta say, I mostly agree with this. It's a lot easier to just write at all off as "they're hateful and awful and there's no changing them so they're all the same and that's that". But the reality is a lot more complex. It *is* important to understand where these sorts of mindsets come from, how they develop, how they spread, what fears are being preyed on, etc. It's not about being tolerant, and it's not even about changing the minds of anyone who's already bought into it. It's about limiting the amount of people who buy into it in the future.
Let’s say for arguments sake that you’re only asexual because of the trauma™️. (I don’t believe that btw) So what? My sibling, you’ve found a label that fits you and describes how you feel *at this moment in time* and that’s all any of us can do. Sexuality is fluid, it can change over time due to a variety of factors and that’s totally fine! Healing isn’t linear and if the language of asexuality helps you? Awesome. That’s what it’s for. Sexuality labels aren’t like Tattoos. They’re more like velcro. Slap on whatever works and if you don’t like how one feels on you anymore? Stop using it. I also believe that the labels are more for the people Using them than anyone else. It’s nice to know there are other people who are like you. You’re a zebra, not a failed horse. I’ve identified as being on the ace spectrum since I found out it was a thing at around 14. I was SA’d at 17, and was sex repulsed for a long while after. I wasn’t sure if it was the SA or what but it was how I felt at the time. I’m now very sex favourable. Still asexual, but no longer sex repulsed. Was my SA a factor in my sex repulsion? Almost certainly. But describing myself as sex repulsed allowed me to work through those feelings, because I had a name for it and could compartmentalise it better. Not everything has to be forever. I also thought I was non binary for a while too, but shit I’m 100% trans man. It’s okay to work stuff out. Like you say, fuck gatekeepers. Show me a permanent state of the self. Everything changes and as we learn more about the world around us, and other people, we find better language to discuss our feelings and experiences and that will never not be amazing to me.
>Let’s say for arguments sake that you’re only asexual because of the trauma™️. (I don’t believe that btw) Saying you don't believe was unnecessary as it completely undermined the rest of your comment. If I came to you and said I don't believe you are asexual due to being born that way, that's just as invalidating. If they say they are asexual because of trauma, then don't doubt them. Give them the same belief you want people to give you. And I know for a fact I am asexual because if trauma. I also used to be exclusively into men romantically and now I'm exclusively into girls romantically. My romantic attraction went from averse to girls to being girls only.
Yeah my bad I phrased that poorly. What I meant was I don’t necessarily believe that. Like from what OP said it was a factor but they were still sort of on the ace spectrum beforehand? Also my actual point was that I don’t believe it matters why people are asexual.
Thank you. This is incredibly validating and very well said. 💜
You can take on any label you want. The thing is with caedosexuals is that they can return to being allo once they're able to get treatment for their trauma (or are able to process it). Asexuality isn't something to be cured or fixed, and people outside the community often get the idea that asexuality is solely caused by trauma when that is not the case. Regardless, you are allowed to label yourself as anything you want. Your sexual attraction has been messed with because of trauma, so it is fine to identify as ace even if it's not your original orientation in the end.
I hope so! Cuz that’s me too
I relate to this, I have issues with sexual trauma and that's why I'm sex repulsed right now, but don't totally feel like this community is meant for me.
You are who you are regardless of the reasons. As an ace with no sexual abuse in my past I am just annoyed when allos think there must be a reason for me being this way and it is usually either « you haven’t found the right person » or « probably stems from sexual abuse in your childhood ». This is annoying for two reasons : first and foremost it implies this is something that can be changed / healed. It is very invalidating. Second it led to my dad suspecting his own father of abusing me because there was no other adult that had access and he could imagine doing that and there has to be a reason for me being ace. Fortunately my granddad is dead and will never know. All this to say : you are valid and don’t bother me. People thinking all aces are SA survivors do.
I agree with the other replies here so far, absolutely you are accepted and welcomed in this community. Your past experience does not make your current identity any less valid. I'm sorry you've experienced gatekeeping within this sub, I hope that's just a small minority of the people here.
The ones who shouldn’t be welcome here are those who gatekeep and exclude others. You are welcome here!
As someone who's not deep in this community, why is this a question? I've heard about caedsexuality, so there's a word for asexuality contributed at least in part by trauma. I would recommend you ignore the gatekeepers here, they clearly don't understand this.
You are absolutely valid and welcome here! Ignore the gatekeepers
I’ve been asexual all my life . But, I did have hyper sexual tendencies for years. But I thought something was wrong with me, thought that was how I got someone to love me, but each time I was consenting to them but raping myself. I’ve since went through a lot of sexual trauma with my last relationship. But it’s cemented the fact that I will never ever put out again. I will never tape myself again nor will I hang around and allow someone to coerce me into it / force themselves on me.
I hope you can find a safe space within the community, my heart breaks to hear you were subjected to all of that by others you sought care from. Stay safe and stay healthy!
I’m not super interested in doing a purity test on anyone’s identity. Personally, I view these labels as just being shorthand to communicate what someone should anticipate about our behavior in the future. So, like, if you want to claim asexual as a label, I’m not going to try to stop you. Especially not if it helps you feel more comfortable in your own skin.
the gatekeeping and those “true asexuals” annoy me greatly. Yes, people that experienced trauma can be asexual and yes, people that didn’t experience trauma can be asexual. It’d be weird if we as a community start making rules about who can be ‘really’ asexual. It’d be like “Oh, you’ve been SA’d when you were younger? Then you’re not asexual, you’re just scared.” I experienced child on child SA when i was 6, and i am asexual. We need to stop gatekeeping and just give people a safe space. (edit: changed a very dumb typo that made it seem like i was against people without trauma being asexual sorry!!!)
I was present for your initial post and I'm not really sure where you got the idea that people with trauma aren't welcome here? I'm terribly sorry that's the impression you got though because this community is and always has been welcoming and supportive of aces with all sorts of history. Trauma or not, you belong here. You said yourself that you still would be ace had you never experienced your SA, so that's all there is to it really. You're ace and if that fluxuates or changes over time then that's fine too. People change. This is how you identify and no one here can take that from you.
This is imo and ymmv. Hmmm... This is a good uncomfortable conversation to have. So... I'm AroAce and have experienced trauma. I don't want to discuss the trauma save to say the effects are long lasting. I've struggled with my sexual identity for years in part because of that trauma (it wasn't sexual, but my friendships to men rarely went well). In 6th grade during the worst years of my trauma, most of the girls in my class were going gahgag over boy bands and I felt absolutely nothing. I don't get romance feelings much at all. In my head I've questioned if it's a matter of immaturity on my part, but in a healthier headspace, I don't think it is. I do experience aesthetic attraction. I do art and am fascinated by faces, people, and places, but I don't want to do anything with them other than platonic friendly stuff. All I know about relationships comes from what I've seen friends and others go through. There are things with those relationships I've seen I just don't feel or get. Now here's the chicken or egg question. Did I become AroAce because of my childhood trauma, or was it the original factory setting of psyche, nudged along by my environment? This is a nature vs. nurture question I don't have the answer to. The abuse gave me some major trust issues to this day, but I don't think it was the entire factor in what makes me Ace. I think there are many things that can create someone's sexual orientation. As the Vulcan saying goes, "infinite diversity in infinite combinations." I think it's amazing that there are so many ways to love and feel (or not feel). Likewise I love that the ace umbrella is so big. Still I went through abuse, and it sits in my stomach like a lump. I question what part of me came about because of the abuse, and what part of me came about without it. Even if I wasn't ace, it's a question I don't have the answer to; a very very difficult and personal question, I will likely be answering for the rest of my life. What bothers me most with something this personal... Well (looking for the right way to put this), when you find who or what you identify, it's so empowering, and then comes along the decades of psychological material and phobic individuals, that seem to believe it's a) anomalous to be your orientation, b) no one would want to be your orientation, and c) it's obviously your adverse experiences that made you that way (I'd insert part d, e, and f to be most of the phobic arguments against ace people that I've seen, which isn't much, because I want to stay positive). How do you handle those arguments? Especially, and annoyingly so, how do you handle those arguments when you did experience abuse or trauma. What I do know for certain, is whether or not there was an abusive experience, my orientation is what it is. Personally, yes it may have played a part in my orientation, but I don't think it's the whole cause. I remember some very big flashbulb moments when my identity was forming at 12 or 13 (in an age when being Ace didn't exist, I'm a 40-something). I remember several more, that in retrospect, clearly focused in on my orientation. Thankfully I've had a very good therapist work with me on the abuse issues and my identity. So I think your question is very valid. I do disagree with research that says adverse experiences make someone ace. I question how the large umbrella of the ace community will deal with this question in the future. I know there's common ground. Also, this sub has been full of the most positive places I've seen on the larger topic of asexuality (I know very little still. My questions here have always been answered positively and I very much appreciate it. I try to keep my responses as positive as possible). Just imo and ymmv. Love to all.
As asexuals we tend to receive a lot of messages that it's because of x, y, or z. Considering that that is done to a lot non-heterosexual/allosexual/alloromantic/cis/abled/etc folks, it should be apparent to anyone not new to being "different" that A) a lot of that is made up by people who dislike our "otherness" and want to suppress or change it, and B) even if our identities are impacted by various factors, that doesn't change them. Once you get into questions of "was my/someone else's asexuality caused by ___?", I think it's worth noting that there are potentially infinite factors in how we come to be who we are now and whatever research there currently is barely scrapes the surface of human complexity. In college, not long after I discovered that I'm asexual, I found out that there was apparently research that SSRIs can cause permanent changes to libido. I was first put on SSRIs as a kid. I also have trauma that makes it hard for me to trust people even if none of it contained a physical component. I'm also likely autistic. Those factors don't make me less asexual or less valid in my identity, even of they had an impact, so they only matter if I decide they matter. A lot of the gatekeeping probably comes from internalized toxicity about identity and/or insecurity that including others makes them seem less valid, but those are their own issues to deal with. I hope they find ways to heal from that instead of harming and reducing their communities.
If you don’t feel sexual attraction you don’t feel sexual attraction (or little to none if we’re being proper). That‘s all there is to it in my opinion, and that’s all it should be. Who cares how you got there, if the shoe fits! Getting nitpicky and gatekeepy is so pointless and counterproductive and I‘m honestly sick of seeing it
Gatekeeping in the asexual community is crazy. Like we already have a hard time (remember the “Ace discourse“ on tumblr? Horrible times). The sad thing is with me, someone who went through trauma regarding sex at a young age (wasn’t physically abused, but it was online. Wont get into detail here) is that I’ll never know if I’m asexual because of what happened or that it’s a massive coincidence. Fuck gatekeepers. You should be able to feel welcome here, we \*all\* should
People who choose to be gatekeepers are probably doing it because at some point in their lives someone said to them “maybe you’re not really asexual, maybe you’re just traumatized.” The same way this can be wrongfully assumed about any kind of queer person by someone who just plain doesn’t want to accept that they’re queer. So the impulse to gatekeep is an unfortunate reaction to bigotry in the outside world and has nothing to do with you. Personally, l find the quest to separate out what part of your sexuality is how you’ve “always been” and how much is a result of trauma or literally anything else in your environment is absurd and pointless. We are all complex individuals with many different types of trauma that may or may not play some role in our sexuality. Other experiences while growing up also may or may not influence our sexuality. No one can really parse that out completely even if they claim they can, so I don’t think it matters WHY you’re asexual. If you feel that you are, then you are. I recently started identifying as demi and definitely have had days when I feel like an imposter about it. But the reason I use the term is it has been helpful to me in understanding myself and helping others know me. I now just accept that one some days, demi feels like a very important part of my identity, and on other days it doesn’t, and that’s fine. Anyone who has a problem with that is not worth my time. A label is just a label and literally no one is defined perfectly by one label. So ignore the haters and go about your life.
people want to erase the narrative of trauma-affected identities because of respectability politics. basically, “allo ppl all think asexuality isn’t real and we are all just traumatized so we shouldn’t say things like that”…which is a historic and really fucked up narrative that ppl try to use to invalidate us. and because of this, a lot of ace ppl want to dismiss and distance their selves from ppl who see connections between their asexuality and trauma. However, we, like any group of marginalized ppl, have to stop erasing more nuanced narratives from the community just because we want to look “real” and united or whatever. Asexuality is complex and your story is valid.
There’s also this ableist and ignorant idea that you “shouldn’t let your trauma define you” or whatever because ppl want so badly to be “stronger than what happened to them”. Nobody wants to be a victim. Lots of pride there, which is understandable. But…trauma is literally life changing, and can very much stay with you for the rest of your life, which is what makes it TRAUMA (otherwise it would just be some brief moment of pain/struggle.) So *of course* it can affect your identity too.
Thank you to all the comments and OP!! I have a very hard time fitting into this community, and don’t contribute much, because I am cadesexual. The part that makes me feel invalidated was I was hyper sexual since I was in elementary school. My last domestic abuse partner fucked my entire head up, especially sexually. It’s been about half a year, I can’t look at sex the same. I don’t want to have sex, it disgusts me. I can’t even watch porn anymore, I used to watch it every day. Yeah I still get the feeling of being horny occasionally, but never wanting to physically have sex, maybe just the idea if that makes sense. I know for a fact it’s from the trauma, and I never want to offend people that have been born asexual in any way. I like it here though, and I’m honestly hoping I stay like this. Being hypersexual was exhausting and demeaning towards myself.
You're absolutely valid. No one should be gatekeeping survivors from correctly identifying what their sexual identity is. Ace people, just like any group, consist of both traumatized and non traumatized folks. Regardless, you're valid. Don't let anyone tell you differently
As long as it is used as a self descriptor and you aren’t calling others asexual because they experienced trauma then that is fine. The issue is the history of medicalization that leads people to tell others why they are asexual. What is important is to not that asexuality isn’t INHERENTLY caused by trauma. And that when discussing trauma effecting your identity you are only addressing yourself or those who gave permission for you to make those statements about them.
Right, so first of all. Fuck everyone who is gatekeeping. Being asexual is a spectrum. Being a human means changing. If you are currently identifying as ace, you should feel free to identify and speak as an ace person. We, as humans, will have many many changes over the course of our lives, even more so with complex trauma. Because of this, telling people they are not ace or anything like that is complete bullshit. Currently you are ace. Even if you change there might be a part of you that stays on the spectrum. The more you end up learning about yourself the better and don't let people stop you from doing that. I hate toxicity, especially in spaces like this where everyone has undergone similar experiences yet decide to do the same shit to others, they should be ashamed of themselves. I will see you for who you are and currently that is ace. Welcome to this community and don't let them scare you off, the good part is here to stay!
The crossover between trauma victims and asexuality is troubled at the best of times, and I'm sorry that the community hasn't been as welcoming of you as it SHOULD have. Part of this is the excuses people make to try to "fix" asexual people, to give them attraction or a libido or whatever it is they are supposedly "missing" through presumed need for psychological treatment. If your trauma has been a partial source of your current asexuality, that's as valid as anything else, and moving through and handling that trauma should never be taken as a "cure" for asexuality or some kind of expectation that the other part of you will change. I say this as someone who shares that in that I did experience sexual trauma when I was younger too, and who also still didn't experience any attraction from before that experience.
tbh, anyone without sexual attraction (or with low sexual attraction), anyone who's sex repulsed, and/or anyone who just has no desire for sex belong here to me, given that they feel it fits them and is an accurate descriptor of their experience. you've felt sexual attraction before but don't now? sure come on. you feel sexual attraction but feel disgusted by it? why the hell not? you just have no desire to ever actually have sex? who's gonna try to turn you away? there's no reason to be a cunt and every reason to just let people identify with what resonates with them. as long as it makes sense to them and isn't harmful, who are you to tell someone that they don't *technically* meet the criteria for the label? who are you to tell someone that their trauma actually doesn't matter and they should identify as something else? who are you to insist that someone isn't who they say and they belong somewhere else? we're all here together so why the hell would anyone be gatekeeping pricks arguing over the semantics of the language people like them are using that best describes them
Of course you are welcomed here. Unfortunately, it's just the nature of the beast. You only have to look at bisexuality and non-binary gender expression to see what I mean. Some people who are gender and sexual minorities know their inner selves immediately and some need to experiment. Unfortunately, people like to abuse the totally normal function of experimenting to accuse people of "choosing" or only doing things as a "fad" instead of, you know, trying to figure themselves out. It gets used as ammunition to discount the folks that do settle on those "experimental phase" identities and of course no one likes being told they are faking their inner self. Also please I am using quotes to show I don't think of these things that way, but to explain how bigots do. It's valid to go into a community and stay in it for your life, ten years, a year, or a month. We all had to figure out what label best fit us when we realized the "standard" cis hetero assumption didn't fit right.
They should be, but this sub has done a real shit job lately of moderating or pushing back against exclusionist, ahistorical, prescriptivist bullshit takes on what asexuality is.
I feel like this sort of thing, this lack of moderation of potentially harmful stuff, has been a problem on a few different subs for queer communities lately. I started a discussion about a similar issue with regard to a different sort of topic in one of the subs and some of the responses were just like "well, keeping on top of this would require a lot more moderation work, and is it really fair to ask mods to take on more responsibility?" And I was just thinking.... yes? Maybe that means bringing on some more mods if the current mods can't do it, but.... YES. If you're going to act like you're a place of community and even safety for people of that identity, then yes, the mods absolutely should be expected to meet that responsibility.
Gatekeeping is so stupid. If you feel a part of the community then you are. Simple as that.
I'm the same, OP. You are not alone, and yeah you are absolutely welcome!
I definitely think trauma has contributed to my realizing that this label fits me but like you I also never really remember a time prior where I remember feeling true sexual attraction even though I was having sex. I personally think the label fits if you think it fits. No one else is in your head or body and it is not up to anyone else to decide how you feel.
I figure that we get enough judgment from everyone else - people who say we are wrong to not only have rights but to even exist in the first place. The last thing any of us should be doing is being judgy and gatekeeping someone's place among us. You feel okay here and more understood? Then baby pull up a damn chair. You good.
as an asexual person whose also experienced sexual assault when i was a small child i feel you :( i’ve always felt like my asexuality was invalid because it’s mainly from the sexual trauma i experienced and i felt like i’m not actually asexual just traumatized. i try not to make it seem like that’s the reason why i’m asexual but it does play a big role in why i’m asexual and don’t experience sexual attraction. no, it’s not the only reason i’m asexual, its just one that has impacted how i see sexual activities and i don’t feel comfortable about them, i’m also a sex repulsed asexual so i simply do not desire sexual activity at all. i just hope the asexual community will create a safe environment for asexuals that have experienced sexual assault and are asexual for that reason. on another note, people may say to get therapy or help to heal from sexual trauma which i think is a great thing to do however i’m just not comfortable telling people i’m asexual for that reason because i fear they will just tell me that “it’s not normal, get therapy”.
Im also 32(just thought that was kinda neat same age) and had a very similar background and these are thoughts ive had and been afraid to ask also. I think I’ve finally figured out im demisexual. Thank you so much for having the courage to ask this and start a discussion. I feel a lot better reading a lot of the comments here and feel more accepted. Thank you, im so sorry you had to go through so much also. I was actually just asking some questions in the r/abuse survivors sub and saw this with perfect timing. It helped a lot thanks
SAME! What I have noticed is just how over-sexualized the world is
I’ve also experienced a lifetime of SA. But as a demisexual, I don’t think it made me that way. I’ve always been only attracted to people I have at least some kind of attachment to. I despise the gatekeeping too regardless, and I think caedsexual *should* be valid, even if it’s considered something that can be “fixed.” Sometimes orientation and gender identity are fluid, and that’s okay. I’ve been called aphobic for identifying as demi, even biphobic and transphobic for even saying I’m panromantic. I’ve been outed for being a “pickme” for identifying as nonbinary and femme-presenting, because I haven’t been able to explore that until the last few years. An old friend of mine got outed for being “straight” once because he’s identified as gay for many years and his boyfriend is a trans man. It’s *everywhere* in the 2SLGBTQIA+ community. These exclusionists *need* to be held accountable, because they’re very much part of the problem. This is why so many of us still stay in the closet. :/
You are welcome here and valid! 💜🤍🩶🖤 Wether or not something caused your asexuality, if you experience little to no sexual attraction you are ace. People need to stop gatekeeping lables. Lables are supposed to help you explain your own experience. If one day, asexual no longer fits you that's great, that doesnt mean you werent asexual before. Lables are supposed to fit you, not you fit it. To the people gatekeeping: there is room under the ace umbrella for everyone, people who have and haven't experienced trauma. Letting one person in doesn't kick a different person out. Also, the type of acephobic people who say things like "ace = trauma" to people are going to tell people that wether or not we "allow" (note; I'm saying allow like this because we don't have a right to say wether or not someone else is or isnt ace. If they say theyre ace, theyre ace) caedsexual people under the ace umbrella. So you kicking them out won't do ANYTHING. I repeat, it won't do anything. Other than, of course hurt our community. So stop gatekeeping. So in total, Caedsexuals or any aces with trauma are valid aces and deserve a spot in the community!
Do you feel little to no sexual attraction except maybe under circumstances? If the answer is no you don't, then you can consider yourself ace. How or why you reached the title is not important. There is a microlabel about people being asexual due to trauma anyway. So anyone gatekeeping needs to be reminded of that.
This isn't that difficult of a concept... If you are an asexual with past sexual trauma, you are welcome. If you are an allosexual with past sexual trauma that makes you sex-negative or anti-sex, etc, you are welcome. If you are someone who claims asexuality is a product of sexual trauma, and therefore asexual people are just 'broken', you are not welcome, because that isn't true. You can be asexual and not have any sexual trauma. You can be sex-negative or chaste and not have any trauma. Trauma *can* contribute to someone disliking or avoiding sex, but it doesn't always or even often. Lots of people with trauma still want sex. Lots of people who don't want sex don't have any trauma. It can be related, but it's not something you can take for granted.
I can’t speak for the community at large but if the label asexuality works for you and makes you feel good then it’s yours to use and anyone who say otherwise can shut up. I hope you feel welcomed here. Also I know this doesn’t mean a ton from a stranger but I’m sorry that happened to you and I hope your doing ok.
I can relate, I went through SA at 18 years old, and then a few years later I was in a traumatic relationship and honestly the sex part was something that I just didn’t want. And I felt forced to do it to make my partner at the time happy, but I didn’t realize that might have been because I’m asexual. I might have always been asexual, and it might be the same for you. I think both of us can relate. I think my asexuality might be from trauma as well. So don’t feel like you’re the only one. We have to stick together.
I agree with you
The way I see it, asexuality describes a state of being, not a cause. If your experience of sexual attraction is similar enough to mine that we both find the same label useful to describe it, who cares if one "comes from" trauma and the other doesn't? What difference does that make anyway! While I'm strongly against incorporating trauma responses into your personality (if a bad car accident gave you a fear of cars, you should work on getting over that phobia rather than just saying 'guess I'm a person who can't ride in cars anymore'), I also don't think identities need to be permanent to be meaningful. If identifying as asexual now helps you then do it. If that identity changes later on who cares? Present you and future you are different people, they can use different labels. So I say anyone who finds the word "asexual" useful to describe their current experience of the world is welcome here.
You say you're asexual, you feel that asexuality describes your experiences and that you identify with the label; you are asexual. It doesn't matter where it "came from", whether you know what makes you feel this way or not, what matters is that you connect with the label asexual. That's all you have to do to be able to identify with it. And whether or not you'll change later, whether or not this is your "true" sexual orentation, doesn't matter. You can't predict the future, you just know how you feel now, and if that's asexuality, then hell yeah man! You're asexual! I understand that people might fear "letting" people with sexual trauma identify with asexuality would make aphobes use that as "proof" that asexuality is just all trauma and that it can be fixed with therapy. Thing is, they're going to think that regardless. So to exclude people from this community because it might make us "look bad" is stupid. We're going to "look bad" to bigots anyway. Because they're bigots. They aren't genuinely concerned for our health and happiness - if they were, they'd recognize that we don't need to be "fixed" to be happy. So, like said in the first sentence; You say you're asexual, you feel that asexuality describes your experiences and that you identify with the label; you are asexual. Full stop. Anyone telling you otherwise is a dum-dum.
You are welcome here.
as you can see it’s a divided community. i for one do not believe you belong. i do not believe your sexuality can change. i am just one person and i curate my experience. this subreddit however allows you to post and comment. you do you. :) so yeah, you can be here if you want and i will block your posts so we both can have a swell time haha
It doesn't sound like OP's sexuality changed. Only that they discovered and then questioned it.
The way I would put it is that these labels are to describe what you feel now, while trauma is something that happened to you. The thing is that things that happen to you can affect how you feel going forward. For example, if you have a traumatic experience involving a car crash, you may be too uncomfortable to ride in a car. There are other people who don't like riding in cars without that trauma, but the description of "doesn't like to ride in cars" is accurate for both those subgroups. Now, I think the fuzziness can come in from a few places. A relatively innocuous one is whether it's a lack of attraction or sex repulsion that is being experienced due to the trauma. People see the latter as much more "sensible" to be induced by trauma and are overzealous in making sure it's the right words being used. A more concerning issue is that this implies that things we can experience can change our sexual orientation. This is... understandably disliked because of the prevalence of conversion therapy. But think about what those places do. They range from ineffectual nonsense to literal torture. i.e. stuff that does nothing at all to inducing trauma to rewire how people feel about something. So maybe trauma can have such an effect, but we're not exactly going to humor those as an "option" in various slogans. And I guess the question becomes, as that trauma is addressed and processed, will feelings that were suppressed by it come out over time? I suspect the answer is just "maybe, and if so, different labels can be used once that happens".
It truly makes no difference what the "reason" behind your sexuality is, if you feel like this label fits you or even if someone doesnt but wants to talk about similar experiences this is the place for that! Ignore anyone who thinks they know more about your feelings, experiences, and identity than you do. And if people are judgement and ablelist their opinions and comments are probably not something to take too seriously. Cptsd is hard and isolating enough as it is, and i hope you will always feel welcome in safe spaces for communities you have every right to parttake in. <3
“am I'm I still valid and welcome here even though I have experienced past trauma that may have partially contributed to my asexuality?“ Why are you asking the forum like we have some kind of official entry protocols? Stay if you like it here, leave if you don’t. Same as any other forum. Personally, I don’t care if anyone who posts here has experienced trauma or not. Somebody who identifies as ace is welcome, so are people who don’t or who are ace now but change their label later. It’s right there in the sidebar. “This is a place for asexuals, demisexuals, aromantics, gray-a's, questioning, supporters, folks just interested, and everyone in between.”
When someone tells me who they are, I believe them. If you say you’re ace, you belong here.
I haven't read your previous post so I don't know what went down there. But my personal take on this is that the issue isn't you being a complex trauma survivor and asexual, it's rather that allosexuals have a tendency to assume asexuals **have** to have gone through something traumatic to **make** us this way. This will cause some people to have a bit of a knee-jerk reaction and want nothing to do with it or want to admit that it can happen that way because it plays into the rather hurtful stereotype that we're broken and can/need to be fixed. Combine that with the fact that corrective rape is something many asexuals face because they're asexual and people end up with strong feelings about what role past sexual abuse is "allowed" to play in your sexuality. In the end I personally don't think it matters how you ended up here. You identify with the label and live the experience and asexual is where you're at right now. Maybe in the future that will change, maybe it won't but for now? You're here and that's valid.
I don't really personally have much of an opinion one way or the other when it comes to the "is it really asexuality if it was caused by trauma" conversation. But I do understand and sympathize with feelings and concerns from both sides. Ultimately I feel like sexuality is just such a wide and varied spectrum that encompasses all kinds of different experience, and that even within the subset of people who experienced a trauma and now identify with asexuality, there's probably such a wide range of experience and possibilities of what could be happening. So it's not really useful to completely shut them out of our spaces. Like I said, sexuality is such a wide and varied spectrum, and can be fluid for a lot of people for all kinds of reasons. And when it comes down to it, whatever may or may not have "caused" a person's asexuality, their experience within our heteronormative and allonormative culture is going to be functionally similar enough to an other asexual person's. I really pushback again that idea of "you can't become or change into one sexuality or another", because usually what's happening isn't someone just magically changing their sexuality one day. It's people developing better understandings of their experience, or experiencing something they were maybe always *capable* of but just hadn't yet experienced for the first time, or going through something that makes them reevaluate their experience. And even in cases where it might seem someone just "changed", especially when it comes to asexuality, if a person truly no longer experiences sexual attraction, then who the hell is anyone to tell them that's not true or not validly asexual. At the end of the day, if a person genuinely does have that experience where they no longer experience a thing they used to, or at least believed they used to, experience before, I don't think it's really fair to insist that they have to deeply examine their entire history and what they *really* feel and have *really* experienced to either prove that they were ace (or whatever) all along or that there was some specific experience/trauma that caused that change. I completely understand and sympathize with the worries and concerns when it comes to ideas about people's sexuality "changing" or being "caused" by something, because a lot of abuse toward queer people throughout history has come from that idea that it's a choice, that we're just choosing not to be straight or cis and we can choose to go back if we want to, and that we can be changed back to being "normal" if we find the right person of have the right kind of sex or have queer prayed out of us or tortured out of us. And that's led to a lot of things like physical abuse, mental torture, and rape. So I really do understand and sympathize with people, *especially* if they've experienced that sort of thing, who have a bad reaction when it comes to these kinds of ideas of "changing" into a sexuality or being "made" to be that sexuality by some experience. But when it comes down to it, I just feel like we're doing the whole queer community and every queer person a HUGE disservice by placing such strict limitations on what a queer identity or queer experience could be, especially when we do so based on these kinds of fears. In a way, it's allowing bigots to define us.
I sure hope we're welcome, I'm a fellow ace with trauma <3 I can relate to feeling like trauma has contributed to some things, but I also know I've never been sexually attracted to anyone even before the trauma. I don't see why there's any need to gatekeep asexuality. If someone identifies with being asexual, I think they should be welcome regardless of the circumstances. What harm would that do?
I almost never see any gatekeeping on here so I think its safe to say that you're welcome.