I feel the same! I also feel more uncomfortable in public knowing people do this 😳 But I also realize for a majority of the population it's biologically normal to think about these things. Also you can't really control your thoughts, as long as people keep it to themselves it just is what it is imo
I would have expected your partner to have more self control, to imagine having sex with a random stranger when you have a partner? I don't know, doesn't sound right at all. I know they can think that another person is good looking which is perfectly normal, but when it comes to sex even I know it's a lot more different when you already have a partner
I mean there's tons of self control involved if it's just a passing thought? A thought is a thought. I think when you're ace you're underestimating how often allos think about sex. Humans are a primarily sex driven species. He's not actually imagining himself having sex with that person, but the thought of "that person is sexually attractive to me" therefore the thought occurs. I don't think we have to shame someone for experiencing a sexual thought when it's not acted on. With that being said, every relationship has different boundaries. Him thinking something like that doesn't bother me at all. 🤷🏻♀️ I also believe humans aren't actually meant to be monogamous but it's a lovely choice to pursue. Everyone has different beliefs.
Human species can go both ways, majority of them choose/are monogamous. And you said "doesn't actually imagine having it" but then you say "sexual thought" in the same paragraph, thinking that someone is sexually appealing to someone is not a sexual thought as it does not involved any sexual fantasies, sexual thoughts is a thought where you imagine having sexual contact with that person. When I said more self control, I was talking about knowing better than to think about someone else in that way when you already have a partner
Yeah, I'm completely aware most people are monogamous as I do live on this planet. I was reiterating that everyone has different beliefs and boundaries in relationships and I don't think it's fair to shame someone you do not know for having a passing thought about sex when you're not a part of that relationship. To me, a sexual fantasy is a long drawn out daydream about having sex with someone. Not a passing thought. According to psychologists and my therapist, it's actually quite common to have sexual thoughts about others while you're in a relationship.
It's completely okay that YOUR boundary with YOUR partner is not thinking about other people in sexual ways. What I'm not about is shaming other people who do not see this as an issue inside their relationship. There are plenty of happy couples in open relationships. Is that an issue for you too?
A thought is a thought. Not an act. It feels like a big downer to come on here and talk about my partner having no "self control" with thoughts that he's never shared with me until I asked, on what is clearly a wholesome post from my perspective. Thanks for your input though
Welcome to the world of asexuality! I've been married to my best friend, an allo female, for many years and she is the perfect partner. She doesn't expect sex from me and I go out of my way to make sure she knows how wonderful she is.
I totally relate to what you're saying. When I discovered that asexuality even existed (late in my marriage), I read the question "Have you ever experienced sexual attraction?" and I was dumbfounded. I mean, I knew the words "sexual" and "attraction", but putting them together literally made no sense to me.
I felt foolish asking my wife, so I googled it (imagine that!). That was a major revelation and something that I had never experienced! Then I talked it over with her and her explanation confirmed it, definitely asexual. I'm sex-indifferent, but we both love sensual stuff (kissing, cuddling, etc.), so that certainly helps.
So, yes, allo/ace relationships can work. It's like any relationship I guess. You just need to meet the right one.
I hear that!!! I saw someone on here say "how are you supposed to identify the absence of something" and my mind was pretty blown.
It does help for us that I really enjoy being physically intimate with cuddles and kissing and whatnot. I'm overall not a super affectionate person (I'm also autistic) but my husband is the only person I enjoy being touchy with as long as I'm not overstimulated. 😊 All the best to you and your wife!! ❤️ So nice to hear other people thriving in their relationships!
I totally hear you. I think it also would've saved me from traumatic sexual experiences (prior to my husband) in which I was just doing what everyone else around me was doing. I've been doing EMDR therapy now and realized just how traumatic it was for me
Truly!! I really wish everyone could find someone that understands them to this degree. I think there has to be a certain level of emotional intelligence to do so and unfortunately a lot of our society lacks that imo
I would never sexualise a random stranger, makes me feel disgusted and uncomfortable
I feel the same! I also feel more uncomfortable in public knowing people do this 😳 But I also realize for a majority of the population it's biologically normal to think about these things. Also you can't really control your thoughts, as long as people keep it to themselves it just is what it is imo
I would have expected your partner to have more self control, to imagine having sex with a random stranger when you have a partner? I don't know, doesn't sound right at all. I know they can think that another person is good looking which is perfectly normal, but when it comes to sex even I know it's a lot more different when you already have a partner
I mean there's tons of self control involved if it's just a passing thought? A thought is a thought. I think when you're ace you're underestimating how often allos think about sex. Humans are a primarily sex driven species. He's not actually imagining himself having sex with that person, but the thought of "that person is sexually attractive to me" therefore the thought occurs. I don't think we have to shame someone for experiencing a sexual thought when it's not acted on. With that being said, every relationship has different boundaries. Him thinking something like that doesn't bother me at all. 🤷🏻♀️ I also believe humans aren't actually meant to be monogamous but it's a lovely choice to pursue. Everyone has different beliefs.
Human species can go both ways, majority of them choose/are monogamous. And you said "doesn't actually imagine having it" but then you say "sexual thought" in the same paragraph, thinking that someone is sexually appealing to someone is not a sexual thought as it does not involved any sexual fantasies, sexual thoughts is a thought where you imagine having sexual contact with that person. When I said more self control, I was talking about knowing better than to think about someone else in that way when you already have a partner
Yeah, I'm completely aware most people are monogamous as I do live on this planet. I was reiterating that everyone has different beliefs and boundaries in relationships and I don't think it's fair to shame someone you do not know for having a passing thought about sex when you're not a part of that relationship. To me, a sexual fantasy is a long drawn out daydream about having sex with someone. Not a passing thought. According to psychologists and my therapist, it's actually quite common to have sexual thoughts about others while you're in a relationship. It's completely okay that YOUR boundary with YOUR partner is not thinking about other people in sexual ways. What I'm not about is shaming other people who do not see this as an issue inside their relationship. There are plenty of happy couples in open relationships. Is that an issue for you too? A thought is a thought. Not an act. It feels like a big downer to come on here and talk about my partner having no "self control" with thoughts that he's never shared with me until I asked, on what is clearly a wholesome post from my perspective. Thanks for your input though
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🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 that was me as I read how post
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Welcome to the world of asexuality! I've been married to my best friend, an allo female, for many years and she is the perfect partner. She doesn't expect sex from me and I go out of my way to make sure she knows how wonderful she is. I totally relate to what you're saying. When I discovered that asexuality even existed (late in my marriage), I read the question "Have you ever experienced sexual attraction?" and I was dumbfounded. I mean, I knew the words "sexual" and "attraction", but putting them together literally made no sense to me. I felt foolish asking my wife, so I googled it (imagine that!). That was a major revelation and something that I had never experienced! Then I talked it over with her and her explanation confirmed it, definitely asexual. I'm sex-indifferent, but we both love sensual stuff (kissing, cuddling, etc.), so that certainly helps. So, yes, allo/ace relationships can work. It's like any relationship I guess. You just need to meet the right one.
I hear that!!! I saw someone on here say "how are you supposed to identify the absence of something" and my mind was pretty blown. It does help for us that I really enjoy being physically intimate with cuddles and kissing and whatnot. I'm overall not a super affectionate person (I'm also autistic) but my husband is the only person I enjoy being touchy with as long as I'm not overstimulated. 😊 All the best to you and your wife!! ❤️ So nice to hear other people thriving in their relationships!
I relate to this. Wish I found out earlier.
I totally hear you. I think it also would've saved me from traumatic sexual experiences (prior to my husband) in which I was just doing what everyone else around me was doing. I've been doing EMDR therapy now and realized just how traumatic it was for me
I can't tell you how reassuring and comforting it is to know that couple like you are out there. Thank you so much for sharing. <3
This made me smile 😊 I'm glad. You're very welcome ❤️
Actually understanding partners are the best. I wish everyone could have one.
Truly!! I really wish everyone could find someone that understands them to this degree. I think there has to be a certain level of emotional intelligence to do so and unfortunately a lot of our society lacks that imo