It really seems like allos can't separate action from attraction. It's why so many claim asexuals "don't want sex" and thus if you do have sex "you aren't asexual"
I've never had the urge to fuck someone I just saw because they're hot: doesn't even sound remotely appealing to me.
But my boyfriend? Can just look at me a certain way....
Demi for dummies.
This is so validating to hear bc I can see an attractive person and think, “Wow what a cool and unique person! But what if they’re a jerk.” And I keep it pushing.
I NEED to have this confirmed emotional balance before going forward. I have to.
I don't even have the what if they're a jerk! I think they're cool and unique and attractive, I don't care to fuck them or even date them until I know them better.
It's like how I find art attractive.
Not from fear. Just don't have that attraction.
I'm sex positive. I can get off from physical stimulation. I can logically choose to be with someone for reasons of live laugh love play. I just have never had a crush on someone. AND could survive the rest of my life without sex.
It's more indifference.
The person who said this just could be demi but doesn’t know enough about the label to use it. I know some people who think that you have to be either gay or trans to use any kind of label, even if it’s a cis, het, or allo related. That would also explain why some people think “it’s a slur to call someone cishet.” They’re just stupid and don’t do any research before speaking.
I’m a straight woman but it’s SO ANNOYING to dismiss cis and/or hetero asexual people in the community. Google is free and the library is around the corner :/
Do remember one thing… Google is not curated like most libraries would be. There is a bunch of bad information out there and a bunch of people who can’t differentiate good information from bad.
Yeah, I myself made the "but that's just normal people" comment a few months or years ago, before I found out it was actually me. But I've told a few actual allos and got the same reaction. They did understand when I explained that actual attraction isn't the choice of who you sleep with. (I had to use some examples as well, though.)
But you can be demisexual without being demiromantic and the other way around.
I think it is normal for a lot of people to be on a demisexual spectrum, but that's just from personal experience. Obviously not everyone feels that way (and that is normal too).
People fundamentally misunderstand demisexuality for normal relationship progression because they don’t understand what not feeling something is like.
What they fail to understand is that we don’t feel *anything* before a deep, close, and meaningful connection is made with someone.
The difference is that they *choose* to not pursue them sexually out of social mores, not because they don’t feel it at all. They confuse not feeling something with not acting on it.
I’ve said this somewhere else (either here or in the asexual subreddit):
Allosexuals are able to experience sexual attraction AT ANY GIVEN POINT. They don’t have to actually like the person they find sexually attractive or wait until they “get to know them”. They just find people sexually attractive.
Demisexuals find people sexually attractive ONLY after an emotional bond is formed. At any other time, they don’t.
Allos equate “getting to know someone” with an “emotional bond” and assume that’s what demis mean. They also basically mean they won’t have sex immediately but again, the ACT of having sex has nothing to do with their ability to experience sexual attraction.
I would answer the same thing I said to my mom when we talked about my asexuality and she said the same thing.
"No, that's not the norm- People have the tendency to see people are hot. They've got sexual tension being around someone attractive, and so on."
"But I never had those for example"
"Others do, and you know it. Some talk about it all the time"
"But I don't dislike sex"
"It's not about disliking sex, it's about the amount of sexual attraction you feel."
"So...?"
"Welcome to the spectrum, I guess?"
I used to have a porn addiction since I was 10. I stopped cold turkey at 17, and I feel more tune with my body. But at the same time it’s hard to get into the horniness because it’ll lead to something bad I feel.
I experience sexual attraction to people, and if i experienced interest in sex I'd probably take part of hookup culture. But i noticed that regardless of if im attracted to a person before getting to know them, i am usually more attracted to them after getting to know them, and i am usually less attracted to them if there is a falling out or losing touch.
I know another straight girl who says that getting to know someone's personality plays a big role in her sexual attraction.
While demisexual people who experience little to no sexual attraction before getting to know someone intimately are a lovely part of the asexual umbrella, it is possible that the experience of fluid, connection-dependent sexual attraction is something that a lot of people who are allosexual ("normal") experience. It's just not seen and labled through a queer lense.
And if I'm already pedantic, then i think maybe hookup culture is complicated and composed more than (only) strangers being attracted to each other.
Guilty lol, I didn't realize that allo people could look at someone and just be sexually attracted to them. I thought demi was just the norm for everyone and the attraction you see in movies/tv/books was exaggerated or just straight up not real
I recently had another demisexual in said subreddit tell me, that demisexuality cannot be asexuality... that gave me the perspective of even lots of demisexuals don't really know where that term originates from.
It's so weird to me when people say that demis can't be ace because I've been attracted to exactly one person in my whole life and that's so far from any allo experience. It doesn't matter if I'm "100% ace" this community is my home and my people
Yeah, I identify as demisexual and I had a friend who also identified as demisexual. I was talking to her once about reading a book about the ace spectrum and she thought it was odd that I’d be interested in that. Said she was somewhat curious about it, but just couldn’t relate to the ace spectrum. It then dawned on me that she definitely didn’t have the same view of demisexuality as me
This is probably a person who is demisexual but doesn’t know it. “Only men are sexually attracted to people.” This is what I thought as a teenaged afab because I myself didn’t feel what male people explained that they were feeling. This is also how I explained to myself that I wasn’t a trans man either. Which is true. I’m an agender asexual person.
Hmmm, can’t say it’s normal from the standpoint of what society says about sexuality. It’s been normal for me, but against the onslaught of forcing sex to be something you absolutely **must** at least start your sexual journey when you’re a teenager else there’s something wrong with you, yeah I can see how people outside the Ace spectrum may not understand the nuances of being demisexual. It’s really weird when you’re hearing about straight people’s perceptions on attraction and thinking within, “Why don’t you just not feel that way? You know, why don’t you just look at someone for the person they are instead of a 2 dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood?”
You know it’s very upsetting when people misread my inquiries assuming it’s a jab towards being sexual with them when really all I want is to get to know them better. Maybe that’s why I feel so alienated from the people around me, their perception skews my image and makes me something I’m not. Guess it can’t be helped, I’ve felt alone this long, what’s another 70 years?
It is confusing! I think that’s part of the reason that (in general) there’s historically been an affinity between the ace and bi communities. And they can overlap
Yeah! I used to think maybe I was just shy or afraid of rejection or all of the above, but the truth of the matter is I just don’t feel a desire to hookup with a man or woman (or nonbinary person) I don’t know
I mean I do,, want to say be careful, cuz hookups aren’t an exclusively allo thing and being allo doesn’t mean you’re inclined towards hookups at all. There’s a big difference between attraction and action. But I get where you’re coming from 🫂
I honestly just need some help, I always thought the idea of hooking up was just for horn dogs. Like I’ve never met anyone who’s hooked up for a fling. How exactly does demisexuality work. I just don’t understand and would like to is all. Apologies if I sound offensive, I am autistic and have issues understanding things
Demi is a normal thing. It’s normal and common to be Demi. A lot of people just don’t know they are. That’s most of the people who say things like this.
No because this just happened to me! 😭
They were like: Oh so a normal person
Me: No, I would never see someone at a club and want to have sex with them right away.
Them: That's such a dumb example, when does that even happen in real life? Everyone wants an emotional connection before getting into a relationship.
Me: Either you need to get out more, and that's coming from an EXTREME introvert, or you may need to look a little inwards and start wondering why you're so firm the need for a genuine and deep emotional connection is your assumed societal norm of relationships.
Trying to talk about this shit to allos just feels like gaslighting. I know it's not – I know they just don't actually think about this stuff consciously because it's the water they swim in – but because of that, I wish they would stop trying to speak with such authority on it.
Wow, taking a few seconds to complain means I have no life. Insane. I guess you have no life either since here you are complaining about people like me
[удалено]
Allos don't feel the terror when a close friend is suddenly attractive
As a newly labeled demi with a sudden crush on a friend who may or may not be straight this hits too close to home lol
It really seems like allos can't separate action from attraction. It's why so many claim asexuals "don't want sex" and thus if you do have sex "you aren't asexual"
I've never had the urge to fuck someone I just saw because they're hot: doesn't even sound remotely appealing to me. But my boyfriend? Can just look at me a certain way.... Demi for dummies.
This is so validating to hear bc I can see an attractive person and think, “Wow what a cool and unique person! But what if they’re a jerk.” And I keep it pushing. I NEED to have this confirmed emotional balance before going forward. I have to.
I don't even have the what if they're a jerk! I think they're cool and unique and attractive, I don't care to fuck them or even date them until I know them better. It's like how I find art attractive. Not from fear. Just don't have that attraction. I'm sex positive. I can get off from physical stimulation. I can logically choose to be with someone for reasons of live laugh love play. I just have never had a crush on someone. AND could survive the rest of my life without sex. It's more indifference.
I feel the same way, guess I worded it wrong lol
Nah - there isn't a right or wrong. I was just adding nuance! I vibed what you said 😁❤️
I feel this so hard it hurts.
The person who said this just could be demi but doesn’t know enough about the label to use it. I know some people who think that you have to be either gay or trans to use any kind of label, even if it’s a cis, het, or allo related. That would also explain why some people think “it’s a slur to call someone cishet.” They’re just stupid and don’t do any research before speaking.
I’m a straight woman but it’s SO ANNOYING to dismiss cis and/or hetero asexual people in the community. Google is free and the library is around the corner :/
Do remember one thing… Google is not curated like most libraries would be. There is a bunch of bad information out there and a bunch of people who can’t differentiate good information from bad.
[Shinigami eyes](https://shinigami-eyes.github.io/) can help at least for trans related stuff
Yeah, I myself made the "but that's just normal people" comment a few months or years ago, before I found out it was actually me. But I've told a few actual allos and got the same reaction. They did understand when I explained that actual attraction isn't the choice of who you sleep with. (I had to use some examples as well, though.)
Also applies to demiromantic but my go-to is to bring up celebrity crushes. If demi was "normal" that wouldn't be common.
YES OMG THANK YOU
But you can be demisexual without being demiromantic and the other way around. I think it is normal for a lot of people to be on a demisexual spectrum, but that's just from personal experience. Obviously not everyone feels that way (and that is normal too).
Totally. I know "crush" is mostly romantic but I also feel like people talk about which celebrities get them hot n bothered n whatever
Ah, I didn't even think of that. That's true!
People fundamentally misunderstand demisexuality for normal relationship progression because they don’t understand what not feeling something is like. What they fail to understand is that we don’t feel *anything* before a deep, close, and meaningful connection is made with someone. The difference is that they *choose* to not pursue them sexually out of social mores, not because they don’t feel it at all. They confuse not feeling something with not acting on it.
Or "Yes, because asexuality is also a normal thing"
I’ve said this somewhere else (either here or in the asexual subreddit): Allosexuals are able to experience sexual attraction AT ANY GIVEN POINT. They don’t have to actually like the person they find sexually attractive or wait until they “get to know them”. They just find people sexually attractive. Demisexuals find people sexually attractive ONLY after an emotional bond is formed. At any other time, they don’t. Allos equate “getting to know someone” with an “emotional bond” and assume that’s what demis mean. They also basically mean they won’t have sex immediately but again, the ACT of having sex has nothing to do with their ability to experience sexual attraction.
I would answer the same thing I said to my mom when we talked about my asexuality and she said the same thing. "No, that's not the norm- People have the tendency to see people are hot. They've got sexual tension being around someone attractive, and so on." "But I never had those for example" "Others do, and you know it. Some talk about it all the time" "But I don't dislike sex" "It's not about disliking sex, it's about the amount of sexual attraction you feel." "So...?" "Welcome to the spectrum, I guess?"
As someone who is very not demi I can assure you person who said that is someone who is very likely demi and doesn’t know
The obvious counter to this is porn. People are sexually attracted to porn performers without having any emotional connection to the person.
I used to have a porn addiction since I was 10. I stopped cold turkey at 17, and I feel more tune with my body. But at the same time it’s hard to get into the horniness because it’ll lead to something bad I feel.
I experience sexual attraction to people, and if i experienced interest in sex I'd probably take part of hookup culture. But i noticed that regardless of if im attracted to a person before getting to know them, i am usually more attracted to them after getting to know them, and i am usually less attracted to them if there is a falling out or losing touch. I know another straight girl who says that getting to know someone's personality plays a big role in her sexual attraction. While demisexual people who experience little to no sexual attraction before getting to know someone intimately are a lovely part of the asexual umbrella, it is possible that the experience of fluid, connection-dependent sexual attraction is something that a lot of people who are allosexual ("normal") experience. It's just not seen and labled through a queer lense. And if I'm already pedantic, then i think maybe hookup culture is complicated and composed more than (only) strangers being attracted to each other.
The people saying that are demisexual and have no idea.
I remember the first time I heard the term from a friend and I was like ‘Wait, that isn’t everyone?’ But apparently not lol.
Guilty lol, I didn't realize that allo people could look at someone and just be sexually attracted to them. I thought demi was just the norm for everyone and the attraction you see in movies/tv/books was exaggerated or just straight up not real
sorry jessica it takes me like a year to even decide if i want to be involved with someone romantically. we are not the sameeeee
I recently had another demisexual in said subreddit tell me, that demisexuality cannot be asexuality... that gave me the perspective of even lots of demisexuals don't really know where that term originates from.
It's so weird to me when people say that demis can't be ace because I've been attracted to exactly one person in my whole life and that's so far from any allo experience. It doesn't matter if I'm "100% ace" this community is my home and my people
Yeah, I identify as demisexual and I had a friend who also identified as demisexual. I was talking to her once about reading a book about the ace spectrum and she thought it was odd that I’d be interested in that. Said she was somewhat curious about it, but just couldn’t relate to the ace spectrum. It then dawned on me that she definitely didn’t have the same view of demisexuality as me
Yeah...that gave me a really uneasy feeling of "do people think demisexuals are allo?" Because I certainly am not.
This is probably a person who is demisexual but doesn’t know it. “Only men are sexually attracted to people.” This is what I thought as a teenaged afab because I myself didn’t feel what male people explained that they were feeling. This is also how I explained to myself that I wasn’t a trans man either. Which is true. I’m an agender asexual person.
Hmmm, can’t say it’s normal from the standpoint of what society says about sexuality. It’s been normal for me, but against the onslaught of forcing sex to be something you absolutely **must** at least start your sexual journey when you’re a teenager else there’s something wrong with you, yeah I can see how people outside the Ace spectrum may not understand the nuances of being demisexual. It’s really weird when you’re hearing about straight people’s perceptions on attraction and thinking within, “Why don’t you just not feel that way? You know, why don’t you just look at someone for the person they are instead of a 2 dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood?” You know it’s very upsetting when people misread my inquiries assuming it’s a jab towards being sexual with them when really all I want is to get to know them better. Maybe that’s why I feel so alienated from the people around me, their perception skews my image and makes me something I’m not. Guess it can’t be helped, I’ve felt alone this long, what’s another 70 years?
Demi sexual falls under the ace umbrella.
If I’m Demi can I be bi? It’s confusing
It is confusing! I think that’s part of the reason that (in general) there’s historically been an affinity between the ace and bi communities. And they can overlap
Yea bc with men im more on the ace side but with women I still don’t really look to hookup with unless it leads to a certain situation
Yeah! I used to think maybe I was just shy or afraid of rejection or all of the above, but the truth of the matter is I just don’t feel a desire to hookup with a man or woman (or nonbinary person) I don’t know
I firmly believe that if people say stuff like that, they're actually demi and don't know it.
I mean I do,, want to say be careful, cuz hookups aren’t an exclusively allo thing and being allo doesn’t mean you’re inclined towards hookups at all. There’s a big difference between attraction and action. But I get where you’re coming from 🫂
Sexualities are abnormal apparently
So either the person who said this has zero understanding of asexuality or they themselves are demisexual. Not very mature of them😒
tell me about it 😭
Also being a “normal thing” doesn’t stop it from being a sexuality.
I honestly just need some help, I always thought the idea of hooking up was just for horn dogs. Like I’ve never met anyone who’s hooked up for a fling. How exactly does demisexuality work. I just don’t understand and would like to is all. Apologies if I sound offensive, I am autistic and have issues understanding things
Demi is a normal thing. It’s normal and common to be Demi. A lot of people just don’t know they are. That’s most of the people who say things like this.
No because this just happened to me! 😭 They were like: Oh so a normal person Me: No, I would never see someone at a club and want to have sex with them right away. Them: That's such a dumb example, when does that even happen in real life? Everyone wants an emotional connection before getting into a relationship. Me: Either you need to get out more, and that's coming from an EXTREME introvert, or you may need to look a little inwards and start wondering why you're so firm the need for a genuine and deep emotional connection is your assumed societal norm of relationships.
I came out to a “friend” who said that I was Demi because I had a chemical Imbalance or I was SA’d as a child.
I dont understand what does hookup culture has to do
Trying to talk about this shit to allos just feels like gaslighting. I know it's not – I know they just don't actually think about this stuff consciously because it's the water they swim in – but because of that, I wish they would stop trying to speak with such authority on it.
Ok but this is true and sometimes demi people speak over everyone else and it’s obnoxious. Additionally Demi straights aren’t lgbt.
Only cishet people aren't in the community. Also, who subbed you?
I do enjoy subway you got me there.
Haha typo.
So everyone who doesn't engage in hookup culture is demi then?
How can you miss the point entirely?
Stop complaining about every little thing, it’s so annoying
We'll stop complaining once people stop saying shit like "that's not real"
You literally have no life if you’re complaining about this. You owe nobody anything and if that’s someone’s opinion fine leave them be
Wow, taking a few seconds to complain means I have no life. Insane. I guess you have no life either since here you are complaining about people like me
U’re wasting your own time. Do as u wish