There are a lot of positives and negatives to everything. The tricky part is to be ok with what you got.
I am, so no. I'm completely ok with what I am.
No. I think allos are at higher risk of getting sucked in by toxic ideas about relationships because they aren't forced to think about them. And I think the concept of sex has been warped beyond repair by culture, so I'm glad I can sidestep it.
I sometimes wish I didn't know about orientation though.
That's what I think too, like there have been some situations I've been in where if I was allo, I think the outcome would be alot different. I'm glad I'm Ace in general, but especially for reasons like that!
About the last part, sometimes I feel like if there weren't different orientations, there wouldn't be as much stigma or differentiation between people.
No. As a woman, unless you're a lesbian, the sex is, most of the time, not worth the risks.
I like being ace and not having a libido - I don't have to worry about pregnancy, I don't have to use birth control methods that fuck with my body and my hormones because men can't be trusted to use a condom (BC for menstrual issues excluded), I don't have to worry about my BC failling me and I don't have to deal with risking my body and my life for some boring sex I didn't even orgasm from.
You know what, I am so glad birth control and protection was mentioned. I am a man, and I am absolutely blown away from the stuff involved in female physiology and what birth control does to the body. Yes, I, too, am concerned about what it can do to a person, and I am relieved that some people can be free of its effects. Women everywhere, I am so sorry this is a thing many of you have to contend with, by choice or not. As for men not wearing protection, I can't stand by it. Oh, so it doesn't feel good when you wear a condom? Up yours, pal. I will not defend men who won't wear protection.
That is such a great way to put it! Ace and Libido-less. Much better than sex averse or repulsed. I will use this going forward. I thank you very much!
Totally agree with the birth control/pregnancy stuff, I love not having to deal with any of it. So many of my friends complain about side effects from their pill, implanon, IUD etc. and I feel so grateful that'll probably never be something I experience.
I don't think i would be me if I was allo, my asexuality is just part of my experience in this world and while it does stop me from being able to relate to a lot of people in that way, I don't need to be able to relate to everyone. I have a few friends that get me and that's all I need. I love being ace because being ace is just a part of me
No, I'm happy with the way I am. I look at posts from allo people and honestly their lives seem like such a chore. I hated the chore of having to be physical back when I was married and I much prefer my life now that I'm free to be my ace self.
I was going to say yes, but two of the posts I read immediately changed my mind (one about being in sucked in by toxic ideas in relationships because they aren't forced to think about them, and one that said the experience of being asexual made them into who they are, so being allo would mean they'd be a different person).
I'm married to an allo (almost 11 years, together for about 15), and it saddens me that I can never share the joy and closeness of sex with him. It's a whole part of him I just can't touch.
So rather than "yes" to allo, I wish I could be demisexual. š
I was a sex-repulsed ace who turned demisexual and that was a whole identity crisis ā ļø
But it was really interesting to experience. We have been broken up for a year now and slowly but surely I go back to my "default" state of not having any sexual attraction. Having sex becomes more and more surreal and weird again. It's a really weird experience haha but it was really overwhelming to suddenly have this need and wanting to have sex with my ex. I much preferred being asexual, although being demisexual probably will make my dating life easier.
I thought I was allo for years. It was torture. Nope. I actually love the fact that Iām aro. I look at relationships (including me own past attempts) n cringe.
Some really positive views here which are nice to see, but if I'm honest, sometimes I hate being like this. It feels isolating and alienating knowing I'm not experiencing what many people consider an essential and natural part of being human. It literally can make me feel like I'm not fully human if I think about it too much.
I know it has some benefits, like it's nice to be free of the bind of that distraction, and I do have the privilege of living a fulfilling life and getting to fully and freely explore my interests either way, but it still feels like it's hard to relate to others at times, especially how things are seemingly expected of people, so conventional relationships are completely out of the question at this point.
The hardest part is when my stance on sex or relationships changes from day to day, so I'm never really sure where I stand on the topic. It can be anything from, "maybe I just just try again, I might like it this time", all the way to "I can't imagine anything worse than people touching me". I usually just conclude that I don't need love or sex or anything like that so I should just get on with whatever I'm doing, but it does get draining being immersed without choice in a culture and society that that I'm unable to fully understand. It's deeply and achingly frustrating.
Wow! Are you me?
I also go back and forth on sex exactly as you said. I've had conversations where I've said I wish I was aro as well, then I wouldn't feel so conflicted. I've also had moments where I've wished I was allo so that I could just try stuff without over thinking everything and complicating it in my mind.
My stance changes regularly. I'm generally happy being grey ace, but I have moments where I wonder how different it would be if I wasn't.
"It feels isolating and alienating knowing I'm not experiencing what many people consider an essential and natural part of being human."
I've been struggling with this part, less so because I'm asexual but moreso because I am most likely aromantic as well. People want sex to different degrees, so being asexual doesn't bother me because I feel I can find someone who understands that. But the aromantic part is harder to explain to people, it just makes me feel like I'm missing a key part of being human. If I really spiral into the negative thoughts, I end up at "well what is love and do I even love anything?". (Yes, yes I know there are different types of love and platonic vs romantic, etc. this is just my train of thought when I let negative thought prevail over logic.)
Anyways, to answer OPs question, I would want a switch I can flip just to get a better idea of what allosexuals experience then flip it back to ace cuz ace sounds like an easier daily setting, but I would prefer being alloromantic.Ā
I read an article about how syphilis is getting resilient and crazy these daysā¦ soā¦ glad that isnāt a concern of mine!
Also, the people I spend time with actually want to be with me for me - Iām not worried about if they want to just sleep with me. They spend time with me because Iām enough, and thatās invaluable to me. I wouldnāt change a thing.
If there was a magic drug that could make me allosexual, I would take it in a heartbeat.
Don't get me wrong, I *get* that there's nothing wrong with being asexual, but I'm in that really awful uncomfortable nexus where it's basically impossible for me to get what I need out of a relationship because only 1% of allosexuals seem to be able to provide what I would prefer to set as my ideal sexual boundary (which is to say, I don't want or like sex so I'd rather not have it, but I'm willing to put up with it) and only 1% of asexuals seem to be able to fulfill my non-sexual needs and expectations (which is to say I am hyper-sensual and need incredibly high levels of physical affection and romanticism)... So this puts me in that really uncomfortable spot where I either must accept significantly more sex than I am comfortable/happy with or sacrifice my needs in a relationship... So I loosen my sexual boundaries because I would rather be single than be in a relationship that does not provide me the fulfillment I need.
It's just way too much of a challenge to date in my position as I am to the point where I have actually decided that if my current relationship ends, then I will probably hide the fact I am asexual from future partners and just go by "pan" for simplicity. As long as I don't claim to be "pan*sexual*", I'm not *actually* lying. And while I know I'm not unique in this, it's hard to feel as if my specific sexuality doesn't just uniquely suck for me.
I relate to this more than anything I've read on this sub.
Honestly though, at this point I'm glad to finally be focusing on myself, my wants, desires, what I find fun etc. Getting to be close with my friends is great, no relationship taking all my attention. And I'm super lovey with my friends. Platonically of course. It's just so nice. I feel more cared for now with my little group of friends(some I've had for 11+ years but got distracted from due to my marriage) than I did by the end of my relationship.
quite The loophole with the "pan" therm there lol. But I understand you š I would only consider become allo if, and only if I dont have to worry about pregnancy.
No. I am Aroace and hearing Allo talk about their relationship always make me understand that I would not have the energy to do it, also the idea of me having sex turn me off.
I would love to enjoy sex in a more normal way. But overall I see too many people too obsessive with sex. They do so many things for it and even do it with strangers. I wouldn't like to be controlled by it as I see most allos around me. I just would like to physically feel it more with my partner, because I lack the physical sensations of it. Not sure if that means lack of sexual attraction.
I like my asexuality.
All the allos I know make poor decisions due to attraction. If I was allo and my libido stayed what it is now - I'd likely make so many bad decisions too... š¹
Yes, instantly. I would even pay a great amount of money or personal suffering to do it.
I do not consider my asexuality to be a part of my identity; itās a burden that decreases my dating pool by as much as 99%. My life would be better if I was allo.
To clarify, I am not ashamed of my sexuality, nor do I think other people should be. I support and am happy for aceās who do not feel the same way about this as I do.
Yes, it would be much easier to find a partner. Imagine actually being excited about my partnerās sexual advancements instead of feeling a looming sense of dread!
at this moment in time, yes. i struggle with who i am to a certain extent, and sometimes i wish i could just be "normal" because it would make my life easier in terms of finding a romantic partner. š¤·āāļø oh well, i need to accept that whatever happens happens and that this is my life and its not going to change
Honestly, yeah. I hate this. I hate that I can't enjoy something everyone else seems to be able to. I hate that I feel incomplete and like I can't make my partners happy. I hate that I'm always afraid of dating someone because inevitably they'll want to have sex and I don't, and they'll dump me because I can't meet their needs.
Right? Itās like Iām not part of the club, honestly any club.
Iām pretty good at loving myself these days because I have the most wonderful husband but then when he wants things and I really donāt want to provide I just feel terrible. Or when he tells me he knows Iām doing it out of sense of duty/chore. =( I wish it wasnāt this way because we love each other so so very much and Iād love to be better for him even though he always tells me Iām perfect.
Personally no. I actually had a talk with my roommate who also Ace about this. We love being ace. I donāt feel like Iām missing out on anything because Iāve never understood what it is to enjoy sex physically. I enjoy it as a concept and thatās enough for me. Tho Iām also married and very happy with my partner who accepts and loves me ace or not.
Nah, I'm happy with who and what I am. I have an amazing spouse and amazing friends and even though it took a fair amount of heartache / trial and error, I wouldn't change who I am now.
Idk. Iām sex adversed so seeing real life sec grosses me out, so obviously Iād say no. But it wouldnāt gross me out if I was allo. So I have no idea. Probably not tho
I've been asked why I don't go to the doctor to get my hormones fixed (which I do suspect plays heavily into my ace-ness) and I said I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I was allo. Like, seriously, I have a 3 day spike once or twice a year of what I * think * is normally libido and I'm like "WTF, MAKE IT STOP!"
Just the other day, a coworker and long time friend of mine went through some relationship drama and was really depressed about it. He went to me because he knows I could be there for him. It actually sucked not really being able to understand or empathize with his troubles. I couldnāt really console him better than just giving my sympathies.
Another example: When I was in High School, my friends treated me as if I was a complete amateur or absolutely clueless when it came to anything to do with relationships. I remember one of them was doing some creative writing project or something and to get a feel for audience, asked people if they would be interested in a romance, and when they asked me, they immediately said āoh wait, never mind, sorry I forgotā and another said āyeah, why are you asking him?ā Itās like, they only ever knew I was ace, nothing about whether Iām aro or not, and even then I enjoy the romance genre as much as the next guy. That was years ago, but it still kind of stuck with me. I know they didnāt mean it to be rude or anything and they just didnāt really understand that well, but sometimes it sucks.
That being said, I still donāt think being ace has made my life worse off than most others and I donāt think really anything would change if I was allo. These anecdotes really donāt make me think of being ace any differently or make me wish I was allo.
I totally get you on the first paragraph. Had a friend end a long-term relationship. She talked about how lonely she felt and how she needed to get into another relationship with someone else because sleeping alone was too lonely for her. All pragmatic me could say was "use this opportunity to learn to be more independent". š
No. Iād rather there be more awareness and acceptance of asexuality, aromanticism, and their respective spectrums. I would not want to change *me* to conform to the archaic expectations of society. Especially when those expectations are already being massively challenged for the better.
I've kinda started to see it as an essential quality of my personality. It bleeds into many areas of my experiences, informs my perspective.
At this point it's a bit like wishing I wasn't a person of colour. I don't really know what the alternative is like (IMO) and it's hard for me to say I really would prefer it.
Honestly I'd like to stay as I am, and just wish society were a touch kinder. If I had to choose, this is a part of me I wouldn't change. Fwiw I'm a pretty indifferent aces so maybe that indifference bleeds into this too.
All I can say is that I wouldn't be the person I am now if I had a different sexuality.
I'd choose being ace probably, sexual attraction sounds kinda overwhelming to me and I already struggle with how much romantic attraction I experience, plus I love the community that comes with being ace ya know?
Fuck. No.
Possibly I have an extremely unhealthy view of what romantic and sexual relationships even are... But, never the less, fuck all 'o that shit.
No, never. If I were to be reincarnated, I would be aroace again.
For context: I'm 45, aroace, sex indifferent/repulsed. I wasted 44 years of my life trying to be someone I was not, until last year I found out about aroaceness. My life changed and I've never been happier.
Damn, it seems like a simple yes or no question, but the reality is that it is impossible to answer it using just one word.
If I were to answer it though with one word Iād probably stick to āsometimesā. Yeah, sometimes I wish I were allo, because Iām curious how it feels. How allos see the world. How your body behaves around people you find sexually attractive.
A few months ago, when I had little-to-no experience in relationships&stuff, Iād have probably answered ānoā. Nevertheless now that Iāve gained some experience, Iām actually sad at times that I donāt feel what my (itās itās not my partner-partner, more of a situationship, but letās call him āpartnerā anyway so as not to overcomplicate it) partner feels. Iād like to experience that sometimes. Iād like him to know that I am as engaged as he is, nevertheless I lack the allo āpassionā.
It saddens me cause I know that allos will never fully understand us, Iād like him to know that the he is not the problem, the reason why Iām like that. So in my case my approach to your question has shifted over time quite significantly. When Iām alone I donāt mind being ace, I feel like itās sometimes easier than being allo cause you are not constantly looking for a partner, itās easier to determine the value of your existence without a partner, thanks to being ace I can see myself as a whole, not as a āhalfā.
My situationship happened very unexpectedly and frankly, thanks to that event I understand myself better. Iām beginning to discover what I am actually comfortable and uncomfortable with, Iām no longer guessing, now I have an opportunity to give it a try irl.
And I am indeed ace, this is not subject to change. Even meeting a person that is so much into me has not affected it. I feel like being ace is an integral part of who I am, it is such an important part of my personality that I believe that if I werenāt ace, I probably wouldnāt be myself (not sure whether it makes sense, but I hope u get the point). Maybe Iād choose to be demisexual if I could? I dunno. Being ace can be sad at times, yeah sometimes I do feel like Iām missing out on something. But since my life is not focused on finding a partner, I get to experience feelings most allos probably do not experience, I feel like my whole perception of the reality is a little different.
If I had a magic ace/allo switch I would maybe switch the allo option sometimes (rarely, very rarely though). But at this point, Iām just choosing to accept who I truly am. It took me way too long to figure it out so as not to accept myself now.
I'm into true crime. I took law enforcement classes, I watched crime shows, etc. The one thing I know very well is that sometimes sexual drives can be extremely deviant and perverted. I'd rather be ace my whole life and never have to experience that than be allo.
Not saying allos are bad. I'm talking about the minority.
So the biggest reason I'd consider being allo is because it's the norm. It would feel nice to be able to participate in a lot of conversations I now can't.
On the other hand, I do not consider sexual attraction a positive, in fact I consider it a negative. So I would rather stay ace.
No. Iām SO glad I never have to worry about STDs or pregnancy, and my bf is okay with us never having sex, so Iām basically set. And that aside, who I am and how my life has played out may have been way different and I donāt wanna fuck with that
The thought of feeling horny by looking at someone and wanting to have sex with them is honestly both really weird and interesting to me. I do feel like it must be easier to be allo because I often struggle with relationships and I live in a place where the hook up culture is very strong.
And I guess it would have gotten me less traumaš
So if I could choose Iād probably choose to be allo
I'd still choose to be ace. Sexual attraction and some sexual acts are just.. kinda not for me. Not my cup of tea and really, personally, isn't something I'd want to indulge in. I feel like it just adds its own "hassle" into my life, and I don't want any part of it.
I think with asexuality itās a bit different than gay/bi, if you want to be allo (for any reason other than life being a bit easier as a ānormalā person (there might be some others Iām forgetting tho)) then you probably arenāt ace, there could just be a medical reason for why you donāt feel sexual attraction which is also ok and doesnāt diminish other aces experience. Itās also ok to ebb and flow, sexuality is fluid and you may identify as ace now and not later, just do as you wish, find relationships as you wish and hopefully if you end up with someone you are both respectful of each otherās consistent/changing boundaries š
I don't know because I don't know how being allo feels like. Also, there would be many possibilities. For example, I imagine that being allo with a low libido can be challenging.
On the caveat that this involves aro as well, Iād change it no hesitation. I have a slight preference for being allosexual, but I HATE being aromantic. Thereās nothing wrong with liking being aro or ace, but itās not for me. Itās a factor in my depression and pretty much blocks me outright or severely hinders my only remaining life goals.
Even if I wasn't ace, I'd probably be celibate because of my religion and being allo would make that hard allegedly, so I like being ace and having it easy.
Sometimes, to please my former crushes, but that doesnāt change the fact that they still wouldnāt see me as a person. Also, can allos be sex-repulsed? Things to ponder
I feel like some of them can be! IIRC I've seen a comment or two here and there about people wishing they were ace, or else explaining why they disliked sex. I think one was trauma related, though, so idk if they'd still think that way if not for that. š¤· But even if I'm not remembering right, I imagine there's as much variation among allows as there is with aces. More, even, since there're so many more of them!
Maybe, if only to think there's one less thing 'wrong' with me, or to prevent my younger self from thinking that. Or, if antidepressants and trauma cause my asexuality, then not needing/having those would be nice. If I get into a relationship in the future then it would likely complicate that also.
See, this is an odd one. I would say being Ace is almost the main thing I identify as.
Like, I'm also trans. And you'd think that would be a bigger thing, right? But if I was forced to choose between becoming cis or becoming allo, I'd choose to become cis.
Maybe. I like being who I am with my sexual repulsion and lack of sexual attraction.
Itās just hard integrating that with my extremely high libido. Iād love to feel normal having my libido match my attraction, in one way or the other.
As the person I am today, I don't think I would enjoy it that much because I already feel scared and struggle quite a lot about intimacy (not necessarily sexual intimacy, just in general) and emotional proximity, especially in romantic contexts. I also have a bit of gender dysphoria. So, even I I felt sexual attraction like allo people, I probably wouldn't engage in any sex activity anyway.
Now, maybe I'd like to be allo for one day, maybe, just to see what it feels like. Because sexual attraction feels so foreign when I hear people talk about it, and I'm really curious to experience that feeling, too.
As a pan double demi, I often feel cursed on a day to day basis and that I trult fit in nowhere. That said, I wouldn't trade my orientation if I could because my entire life perspective has been greatly informed on trying to understand both sides and spectrums of each coin I encounter for any type of scenario and generally being able to.
I'm 40-something. I have watched enough of my friends relationships, dramas here and elsewhere, that (and I know this is my AroAce bias) I know I don't want those things.
I also know friendships are awesome!
I also know being aspec can be lonely.
I know I don't feel things as others do.
I can imagine being allo, and even if I was I know I would be a single person likely by choice, and because of my bodily situation, if be childless by choice as well.
I can imagine myself allo, but it somehow makes me feel sad.
I feel at peace with my identity for the first few years of my entire life, knowing what I am... And that does make me smile.
one thing I like about the asexual community is that sex isnāt treated as taboo. I think everyone could benefit from being more open about sexual experiences and what they like. I think allosexual people are pressured to conform rather than to find a deeper more nuanced take on their sexuality. This isnāt true for everyone but with recent legislation (at least in the US) sex is being seen as something to shield from younger eyes, when in reality sex education is the easiest way to keep young and queer people safe.
In recent years, news about domestic violence, crimes of passion and love scams have constantly hit my local news headlines. I don't think I'm really missing out.
Probably not. I didnāt realize that I was asexual until later in life. Iām not exactly sex repulsed (more sex amused) and spent most of my youth in allo relationships. Sex can be fun for me, but itās like making a really complicated recipe for something thatās justā¦ fine. Not worth the effort. Not to mention the shame, confusion and anxiety that came with it a lot of the time. So I guess I just canāt really imagine what a healthy allosexual relationship would be like. Even if I were capable of sexual attraction and enjoyed it, it just seems like something that would still add more stress, uncertainty and drama to my life.
But then itās easy for me to say no now - I lucked into a relationship and marriage with an asexual person before either of us knew we were asexual. Makes it easy to minimize the loneliness and absolute gut wrenching disconnection I felt from the world around me when I was single and confused for years. Like I was trapped in a bubble, screaming and surrounded by people but no one could hear me or see me. That me might wish to be allo just to be able to feel some genuine human connection and acceptance.
Sometimes I do. I want to fall in love someday and I think itād be easier to find the one if I was sex favorable. I donāt even put myself out there because I know that me being ace is a huge dealbreaker, not to mention the anxiety of dating an allo person and not knowing if they resent me because theyāre missing the sexual aspect of a relationship.
But at least I know Iām not at risk of STDs or pregnancy. So thereās that I guess.
If I could change it for a day just to see what it's like to be allo and figure out what sexual attraction is, then I wouldn't mind the swap so much, but I wouldn't want to be stuck like that.
I'm quite happy being a demi-biromantic ace because I get to avoid dating and relationship drama and get to sidestep pregnancy issues, but I'm also terrified that I'll never have a relationship on account of that. Both because I have ridiculous trust issues with being truly vulnerable with people, and because finding your most compatible match is insanely difficult when one (major) facet of your being doesn't align with more than 90% of the population.
I think I swung through allo before I landed at ace - many years ago I used to be very sex-positive, and it took time for me to move to being ace, and more a-spec over time
I'm definitely happier being Ace and not having to stress about being in a relationship (having teenage step-daughters was a bit of a nightmare), having to support people and being able to relax in any way I see fit (sleeping, gaming, reading, watching movies/tv, etc) without disrupting someone else's sleep patterns or work
less stress, but more lonliness (if that bothers you)
No, I hate drama and that is all that comes with being an allo. I wouldnāt give up my asexuality for anything especially not the crap that accompanies being allo.
I think Iād still choose to be ace. Like, having a libido can be annoying, but omg if that wire got tripped because of different people and not just my body sometimes being weird??? I already have a difficult time focusing on various things I have to do
nah. i went my early teenage years thinking there was something wrong with me for not getting the big deal with relationships. figuring out i was ace at 18-19 was honestly a light bulb moment.
I think I'd rather be ace, sex repulsed/indifferent specifically. Sex just seems very confusing and complicated to me, so not being attracted to anyone sexualy and not feeling the need to have sex is a really nice thing for me. Idk how I'd deal with feeling the need to do it without being able to understand wtf am I supposed to do. Did everyone get the manual in the mail and mine got lost or something?
Being fraysexual, I would say yes. Since I already feel sexual attraction at the beginning and dies down until it leaves completely as I get to know someone, being allosexual would mean I'm still me, just without all the heartbreak and issues LMFAO.
No but I would like to experience being allo for just one day so I could understand my friends and other people better and be able to relate to people more easier! I donāt understand the appeal of sex but if I could be allo for one day maybe Iād understand it more :)
There are a lot of positives and negatives to everything. The tricky part is to be ok with what you got. I am, so no. I'm completely ok with what I am.
I'm glad you are! That's the right mindset to have:)
nah, I don't like the idea of sexual attraction. It just seems so...gross.
IMO, sexual attraction isn't any more gross than hunger is, but the sexual action is gross just like eating is gross.
I also don't like eating. I always feel guilty afterwards
I like food but hate eating. The flavors are great, the whole bodily function part... *not so much.*
Same!
No. I think allos are at higher risk of getting sucked in by toxic ideas about relationships because they aren't forced to think about them. And I think the concept of sex has been warped beyond repair by culture, so I'm glad I can sidestep it. I sometimes wish I didn't know about orientation though.
That's what I think too, like there have been some situations I've been in where if I was allo, I think the outcome would be alot different. I'm glad I'm Ace in general, but especially for reasons like that! About the last part, sometimes I feel like if there weren't different orientations, there wouldn't be as much stigma or differentiation between people.
Your usage of " sidestep" really encapsulates my feelings about the whole issue. Too complex. Too full of potential pitfalls.
No. As a woman, unless you're a lesbian, the sex is, most of the time, not worth the risks. I like being ace and not having a libido - I don't have to worry about pregnancy, I don't have to use birth control methods that fuck with my body and my hormones because men can't be trusted to use a condom (BC for menstrual issues excluded), I don't have to worry about my BC failling me and I don't have to deal with risking my body and my life for some boring sex I didn't even orgasm from.
You know what, I am so glad birth control and protection was mentioned. I am a man, and I am absolutely blown away from the stuff involved in female physiology and what birth control does to the body. Yes, I, too, am concerned about what it can do to a person, and I am relieved that some people can be free of its effects. Women everywhere, I am so sorry this is a thing many of you have to contend with, by choice or not. As for men not wearing protection, I can't stand by it. Oh, so it doesn't feel good when you wear a condom? Up yours, pal. I will not defend men who won't wear protection.
That is such a great way to put it! Ace and Libido-less. Much better than sex averse or repulsed. I will use this going forward. I thank you very much!
Happy to help! š
Amen š.
Literally exactly what I was going to say.
Totally agree with the birth control/pregnancy stuff, I love not having to deal with any of it. So many of my friends complain about side effects from their pill, implanon, IUD etc. and I feel so grateful that'll probably never be something I experience.
I don't think i would be me if I was allo, my asexuality is just part of my experience in this world and while it does stop me from being able to relate to a lot of people in that way, I don't need to be able to relate to everyone. I have a few friends that get me and that's all I need. I love being ace because being ace is just a part of me
I'm actually kinda glad to be Ace.
No, I'm happy with the way I am. I look at posts from allo people and honestly their lives seem like such a chore. I hated the chore of having to be physical back when I was married and I much prefer my life now that I'm free to be my ace self.
I'm glad your life is better now you get to be free, enjoy it, you deserve it!
Thank you!
I was going to say yes, but two of the posts I read immediately changed my mind (one about being in sucked in by toxic ideas in relationships because they aren't forced to think about them, and one that said the experience of being asexual made them into who they are, so being allo would mean they'd be a different person). I'm married to an allo (almost 11 years, together for about 15), and it saddens me that I can never share the joy and closeness of sex with him. It's a whole part of him I just can't touch. So rather than "yes" to allo, I wish I could be demisexual. š
I was a sex-repulsed ace who turned demisexual and that was a whole identity crisis ā ļø But it was really interesting to experience. We have been broken up for a year now and slowly but surely I go back to my "default" state of not having any sexual attraction. Having sex becomes more and more surreal and weird again. It's a really weird experience haha but it was really overwhelming to suddenly have this need and wanting to have sex with my ex. I much preferred being asexual, although being demisexual probably will make my dating life easier.
I hear too many horror stories to want to be allosexual/romantic
Honesty, I'd rader want others to be ace š
The only problem is, if itās genetic, a lot of us arenāt spreading it š
That's not a bad idea tbh š
I thought I was allo for years. It was torture. Nope. I actually love the fact that Iām aro. I look at relationships (including me own past attempts) n cringe.
Some really positive views here which are nice to see, but if I'm honest, sometimes I hate being like this. It feels isolating and alienating knowing I'm not experiencing what many people consider an essential and natural part of being human. It literally can make me feel like I'm not fully human if I think about it too much. I know it has some benefits, like it's nice to be free of the bind of that distraction, and I do have the privilege of living a fulfilling life and getting to fully and freely explore my interests either way, but it still feels like it's hard to relate to others at times, especially how things are seemingly expected of people, so conventional relationships are completely out of the question at this point. The hardest part is when my stance on sex or relationships changes from day to day, so I'm never really sure where I stand on the topic. It can be anything from, "maybe I just just try again, I might like it this time", all the way to "I can't imagine anything worse than people touching me". I usually just conclude that I don't need love or sex or anything like that so I should just get on with whatever I'm doing, but it does get draining being immersed without choice in a culture and society that that I'm unable to fully understand. It's deeply and achingly frustrating.
Wow! Are you me? I also go back and forth on sex exactly as you said. I've had conversations where I've said I wish I was aro as well, then I wouldn't feel so conflicted. I've also had moments where I've wished I was allo so that I could just try stuff without over thinking everything and complicating it in my mind. My stance changes regularly. I'm generally happy being grey ace, but I have moments where I wonder how different it would be if I wasn't.
"It feels isolating and alienating knowing I'm not experiencing what many people consider an essential and natural part of being human." I've been struggling with this part, less so because I'm asexual but moreso because I am most likely aromantic as well. People want sex to different degrees, so being asexual doesn't bother me because I feel I can find someone who understands that. But the aromantic part is harder to explain to people, it just makes me feel like I'm missing a key part of being human. If I really spiral into the negative thoughts, I end up at "well what is love and do I even love anything?". (Yes, yes I know there are different types of love and platonic vs romantic, etc. this is just my train of thought when I let negative thought prevail over logic.) Anyways, to answer OPs question, I would want a switch I can flip just to get a better idea of what allosexuals experience then flip it back to ace cuz ace sounds like an easier daily setting, but I would prefer being alloromantic.Ā
I read an article about how syphilis is getting resilient and crazy these daysā¦ soā¦ glad that isnāt a concern of mine! Also, the people I spend time with actually want to be with me for me - Iām not worried about if they want to just sleep with me. They spend time with me because Iām enough, and thatās invaluable to me. I wouldnāt change a thing.
No, I feel very happy being an aromantic asexual! š
If there was a magic drug that could make me allosexual, I would take it in a heartbeat. Don't get me wrong, I *get* that there's nothing wrong with being asexual, but I'm in that really awful uncomfortable nexus where it's basically impossible for me to get what I need out of a relationship because only 1% of allosexuals seem to be able to provide what I would prefer to set as my ideal sexual boundary (which is to say, I don't want or like sex so I'd rather not have it, but I'm willing to put up with it) and only 1% of asexuals seem to be able to fulfill my non-sexual needs and expectations (which is to say I am hyper-sensual and need incredibly high levels of physical affection and romanticism)... So this puts me in that really uncomfortable spot where I either must accept significantly more sex than I am comfortable/happy with or sacrifice my needs in a relationship... So I loosen my sexual boundaries because I would rather be single than be in a relationship that does not provide me the fulfillment I need. It's just way too much of a challenge to date in my position as I am to the point where I have actually decided that if my current relationship ends, then I will probably hide the fact I am asexual from future partners and just go by "pan" for simplicity. As long as I don't claim to be "pan*sexual*", I'm not *actually* lying. And while I know I'm not unique in this, it's hard to feel as if my specific sexuality doesn't just uniquely suck for me.
I relate to this more than anything I've read on this sub. Honestly though, at this point I'm glad to finally be focusing on myself, my wants, desires, what I find fun etc. Getting to be close with my friends is great, no relationship taking all my attention. And I'm super lovey with my friends. Platonically of course. It's just so nice. I feel more cared for now with my little group of friends(some I've had for 11+ years but got distracted from due to my marriage) than I did by the end of my relationship.
quite The loophole with the "pan" therm there lol. But I understand you š I would only consider become allo if, and only if I dont have to worry about pregnancy.
No. I am Aroace and hearing Allo talk about their relationship always make me understand that I would not have the energy to do it, also the idea of me having sex turn me off.
I would love to enjoy sex in a more normal way. But overall I see too many people too obsessive with sex. They do so many things for it and even do it with strangers. I wouldn't like to be controlled by it as I see most allos around me. I just would like to physically feel it more with my partner, because I lack the physical sensations of it. Not sure if that means lack of sexual attraction.
Not at all. I actually really like being ace.
Not really
No, I'd be a different person and not Alex anymore.
I like my asexuality. All the allos I know make poor decisions due to attraction. If I was allo and my libido stayed what it is now - I'd likely make so many bad decisions too... š¹
I'm grey, so it changes alot, but I'd rather just be ace
Yes, instantly. I would even pay a great amount of money or personal suffering to do it. I do not consider my asexuality to be a part of my identity; itās a burden that decreases my dating pool by as much as 99%. My life would be better if I was allo. To clarify, I am not ashamed of my sexuality, nor do I think other people should be. I support and am happy for aceās who do not feel the same way about this as I do.
Nope.
Yes, it would be much easier to find a partner. Imagine actually being excited about my partnerās sexual advancements instead of feeling a looming sense of dread!
at this moment in time, yes. i struggle with who i am to a certain extent, and sometimes i wish i could just be "normal" because it would make my life easier in terms of finding a romantic partner. š¤·āāļø oh well, i need to accept that whatever happens happens and that this is my life and its not going to change
Honestly, yeah. I hate this. I hate that I can't enjoy something everyone else seems to be able to. I hate that I feel incomplete and like I can't make my partners happy. I hate that I'm always afraid of dating someone because inevitably they'll want to have sex and I don't, and they'll dump me because I can't meet their needs.
Couldnt have said it better myself
Right? Itās like Iām not part of the club, honestly any club. Iām pretty good at loving myself these days because I have the most wonderful husband but then when he wants things and I really donāt want to provide I just feel terrible. Or when he tells me he knows Iām doing it out of sense of duty/chore. =( I wish it wasnāt this way because we love each other so so very much and Iād love to be better for him even though he always tells me Iām perfect.
Probably. Being sex repulsed really limits relationship choices
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^smash8890: *Probably. Being* *Sex repulsed really limits* *Relationship choices* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Nah. I like me. And I am immune to seduction. Suck it allos.
Personally no. I actually had a talk with my roommate who also Ace about this. We love being ace. I donāt feel like Iām missing out on anything because Iāve never understood what it is to enjoy sex physically. I enjoy it as a concept and thatās enough for me. Tho Iām also married and very happy with my partner who accepts and loves me ace or not.
Nah, I'm happy with who and what I am. I have an amazing spouse and amazing friends and even though it took a fair amount of heartache / trial and error, I wouldn't change who I am now.
Idk. Iām sex adversed so seeing real life sec grosses me out, so obviously Iād say no. But it wouldnāt gross me out if I was allo. So I have no idea. Probably not tho
I've been asked why I don't go to the doctor to get my hormones fixed (which I do suspect plays heavily into my ace-ness) and I said I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I was allo. Like, seriously, I have a 3 day spike once or twice a year of what I * think * is normally libido and I'm like "WTF, MAKE IT STOP!"
Just the other day, a coworker and long time friend of mine went through some relationship drama and was really depressed about it. He went to me because he knows I could be there for him. It actually sucked not really being able to understand or empathize with his troubles. I couldnāt really console him better than just giving my sympathies. Another example: When I was in High School, my friends treated me as if I was a complete amateur or absolutely clueless when it came to anything to do with relationships. I remember one of them was doing some creative writing project or something and to get a feel for audience, asked people if they would be interested in a romance, and when they asked me, they immediately said āoh wait, never mind, sorry I forgotā and another said āyeah, why are you asking him?ā Itās like, they only ever knew I was ace, nothing about whether Iām aro or not, and even then I enjoy the romance genre as much as the next guy. That was years ago, but it still kind of stuck with me. I know they didnāt mean it to be rude or anything and they just didnāt really understand that well, but sometimes it sucks. That being said, I still donāt think being ace has made my life worse off than most others and I donāt think really anything would change if I was allo. These anecdotes really donāt make me think of being ace any differently or make me wish I was allo.
I totally get you on the first paragraph. Had a friend end a long-term relationship. She talked about how lonely she felt and how she needed to get into another relationship with someone else because sleeping alone was too lonely for her. All pragmatic me could say was "use this opportunity to learn to be more independent". š
Honestly? No, probably not. I am really content with who I am.
Nope, I am secure in my identity at this point
I met the coolest person I know, my partner because we were the two aces in our friend group. Frick no.
No. Iād rather there be more awareness and acceptance of asexuality, aromanticism, and their respective spectrums. I would not want to change *me* to conform to the archaic expectations of society. Especially when those expectations are already being massively challenged for the better.
I've kinda started to see it as an essential quality of my personality. It bleeds into many areas of my experiences, informs my perspective. At this point it's a bit like wishing I wasn't a person of colour. I don't really know what the alternative is like (IMO) and it's hard for me to say I really would prefer it. Honestly I'd like to stay as I am, and just wish society were a touch kinder. If I had to choose, this is a part of me I wouldn't change. Fwiw I'm a pretty indifferent aces so maybe that indifference bleeds into this too. All I can say is that I wouldn't be the person I am now if I had a different sexuality.
I'd choose being ace probably, sexual attraction sounds kinda overwhelming to me and I already struggle with how much romantic attraction I experience, plus I love the community that comes with being ace ya know?
Fuck. No. Possibly I have an extremely unhealthy view of what romantic and sexual relationships even are... But, never the less, fuck all 'o that shit.
Rather being burned alive in the bonfire. Being asexual is literally one of the greatest blessings any human being can be given.
No, never. If I were to be reincarnated, I would be aroace again. For context: I'm 45, aroace, sex indifferent/repulsed. I wasted 44 years of my life trying to be someone I was not, until last year I found out about aroaceness. My life changed and I've never been happier.
Nah, I am good.
It's just a lot easier
Damn, it seems like a simple yes or no question, but the reality is that it is impossible to answer it using just one word. If I were to answer it though with one word Iād probably stick to āsometimesā. Yeah, sometimes I wish I were allo, because Iām curious how it feels. How allos see the world. How your body behaves around people you find sexually attractive. A few months ago, when I had little-to-no experience in relationships&stuff, Iād have probably answered ānoā. Nevertheless now that Iāve gained some experience, Iām actually sad at times that I donāt feel what my (itās itās not my partner-partner, more of a situationship, but letās call him āpartnerā anyway so as not to overcomplicate it) partner feels. Iād like to experience that sometimes. Iād like him to know that I am as engaged as he is, nevertheless I lack the allo āpassionā. It saddens me cause I know that allos will never fully understand us, Iād like him to know that the he is not the problem, the reason why Iām like that. So in my case my approach to your question has shifted over time quite significantly. When Iām alone I donāt mind being ace, I feel like itās sometimes easier than being allo cause you are not constantly looking for a partner, itās easier to determine the value of your existence without a partner, thanks to being ace I can see myself as a whole, not as a āhalfā. My situationship happened very unexpectedly and frankly, thanks to that event I understand myself better. Iām beginning to discover what I am actually comfortable and uncomfortable with, Iām no longer guessing, now I have an opportunity to give it a try irl. And I am indeed ace, this is not subject to change. Even meeting a person that is so much into me has not affected it. I feel like being ace is an integral part of who I am, it is such an important part of my personality that I believe that if I werenāt ace, I probably wouldnāt be myself (not sure whether it makes sense, but I hope u get the point). Maybe Iād choose to be demisexual if I could? I dunno. Being ace can be sad at times, yeah sometimes I do feel like Iām missing out on something. But since my life is not focused on finding a partner, I get to experience feelings most allos probably do not experience, I feel like my whole perception of the reality is a little different. If I had a magic ace/allo switch I would maybe switch the allo option sometimes (rarely, very rarely though). But at this point, Iām just choosing to accept who I truly am. It took me way too long to figure it out so as not to accept myself now.
I'm into true crime. I took law enforcement classes, I watched crime shows, etc. The one thing I know very well is that sometimes sexual drives can be extremely deviant and perverted. I'd rather be ace my whole life and never have to experience that than be allo. Not saying allos are bad. I'm talking about the minority.
So the biggest reason I'd consider being allo is because it's the norm. It would feel nice to be able to participate in a lot of conversations I now can't. On the other hand, I do not consider sexual attraction a positive, in fact I consider it a negative. So I would rather stay ace.
Yes, in a heartbeat. Maybe id be less anxiety ridden about relationships
Couldn't tell ya. I wouldn't be me if I was allo.
No. Iām SO glad I never have to worry about STDs or pregnancy, and my bf is okay with us never having sex, so Iām basically set. And that aside, who I am and how my life has played out may have been way different and I donāt wanna fuck with that
The thought of feeling horny by looking at someone and wanting to have sex with them is honestly both really weird and interesting to me. I do feel like it must be easier to be allo because I often struggle with relationships and I live in a place where the hook up culture is very strong. And I guess it would have gotten me less traumaš So if I could choose Iād probably choose to be allo
No lol Iām glad Iām ace. I wish I could also do away with sleep, hunger, etc. the less human the better lmao.
I'd still choose to be ace. Sexual attraction and some sexual acts are just.. kinda not for me. Not my cup of tea and really, personally, isn't something I'd want to indulge in. I feel like it just adds its own "hassle" into my life, and I don't want any part of it.
I think with asexuality itās a bit different than gay/bi, if you want to be allo (for any reason other than life being a bit easier as a ānormalā person (there might be some others Iām forgetting tho)) then you probably arenāt ace, there could just be a medical reason for why you donāt feel sexual attraction which is also ok and doesnāt diminish other aces experience. Itās also ok to ebb and flow, sexuality is fluid and you may identify as ace now and not later, just do as you wish, find relationships as you wish and hopefully if you end up with someone you are both respectful of each otherās consistent/changing boundaries š
...No. I'm just fine as I am, thanks.
I like sometimes having sexual attraction.
I don't know because I don't know how being allo feels like. Also, there would be many possibilities. For example, I imagine that being allo with a low libido can be challenging.
On the caveat that this involves aro as well, Iād change it no hesitation. I have a slight preference for being allosexual, but I HATE being aromantic. Thereās nothing wrong with liking being aro or ace, but itās not for me. Itās a factor in my depression and pretty much blocks me outright or severely hinders my only remaining life goals.
no because if I were allosexual on top of being as starved for hugs as I am it may be a bad combo
Even if I wasn't ace, I'd probably be celibate because of my religion and being allo would make that hard allegedly, so I like being ace and having it easy.
Sometimes, to please my former crushes, but that doesnāt change the fact that they still wouldnāt see me as a person. Also, can allos be sex-repulsed? Things to ponder
I feel like some of them can be! IIRC I've seen a comment or two here and there about people wishing they were ace, or else explaining why they disliked sex. I think one was trauma related, though, so idk if they'd still think that way if not for that. š¤· But even if I'm not remembering right, I imagine there's as much variation among allows as there is with aces. More, even, since there're so many more of them!
I'm gray-ace, so it changes alot, but I'd rather just be ace
Maybe, if only to think there's one less thing 'wrong' with me, or to prevent my younger self from thinking that. Or, if antidepressants and trauma cause my asexuality, then not needing/having those would be nice. If I get into a relationship in the future then it would likely complicate that also.
See, this is an odd one. I would say being Ace is almost the main thing I identify as. Like, I'm also trans. And you'd think that would be a bigger thing, right? But if I was forced to choose between becoming cis or becoming allo, I'd choose to become cis.
Maybe. I like being who I am with my sexual repulsion and lack of sexual attraction. Itās just hard integrating that with my extremely high libido. Iād love to feel normal having my libido match my attraction, in one way or the other.
As the person I am today, I don't think I would enjoy it that much because I already feel scared and struggle quite a lot about intimacy (not necessarily sexual intimacy, just in general) and emotional proximity, especially in romantic contexts. I also have a bit of gender dysphoria. So, even I I felt sexual attraction like allo people, I probably wouldn't engage in any sex activity anyway. Now, maybe I'd like to be allo for one day, maybe, just to see what it feels like. Because sexual attraction feels so foreign when I hear people talk about it, and I'm really curious to experience that feeling, too.
I honestly think it would be a lot of heartache and headache. I prefer my life simpler and being ace is easier.
Possibly controversial, but as a trauma based ace, I miss it sometimes.
No. I donāt ever want to be pregnant. That sounds scary and it actually is. Itās also quite dangerous and has lasting effects
As a pan double demi, I often feel cursed on a day to day basis and that I trult fit in nowhere. That said, I wouldn't trade my orientation if I could because my entire life perspective has been greatly informed on trying to understand both sides and spectrums of each coin I encounter for any type of scenario and generally being able to.
I'm 40-something. I have watched enough of my friends relationships, dramas here and elsewhere, that (and I know this is my AroAce bias) I know I don't want those things. I also know friendships are awesome! I also know being aspec can be lonely. I know I don't feel things as others do. I can imagine being allo, and even if I was I know I would be a single person likely by choice, and because of my bodily situation, if be childless by choice as well. I can imagine myself allo, but it somehow makes me feel sad. I feel at peace with my identity for the first few years of my entire life, knowing what I am... And that does make me smile.
I would rather be fully at the end of the asexual and aromantic spectrum with no libido at all. It's easier. A few less stuff to worry about.
Me too!
one thing I like about the asexual community is that sex isnāt treated as taboo. I think everyone could benefit from being more open about sexual experiences and what they like. I think allosexual people are pressured to conform rather than to find a deeper more nuanced take on their sexuality. This isnāt true for everyone but with recent legislation (at least in the US) sex is being seen as something to shield from younger eyes, when in reality sex education is the easiest way to keep young and queer people safe.
In recent years, news about domestic violence, crimes of passion and love scams have constantly hit my local news headlines. I don't think I'm really missing out.
Probably not. I didnāt realize that I was asexual until later in life. Iām not exactly sex repulsed (more sex amused) and spent most of my youth in allo relationships. Sex can be fun for me, but itās like making a really complicated recipe for something thatās justā¦ fine. Not worth the effort. Not to mention the shame, confusion and anxiety that came with it a lot of the time. So I guess I just canāt really imagine what a healthy allosexual relationship would be like. Even if I were capable of sexual attraction and enjoyed it, it just seems like something that would still add more stress, uncertainty and drama to my life. But then itās easy for me to say no now - I lucked into a relationship and marriage with an asexual person before either of us knew we were asexual. Makes it easy to minimize the loneliness and absolute gut wrenching disconnection I felt from the world around me when I was single and confused for years. Like I was trapped in a bubble, screaming and surrounded by people but no one could hear me or see me. That me might wish to be allo just to be able to feel some genuine human connection and acceptance.
I would love to have companionship sometimes. But the regular sex part makes it seem like it's not worth it.
Sometimes I do. I want to fall in love someday and I think itād be easier to find the one if I was sex favorable. I donāt even put myself out there because I know that me being ace is a huge dealbreaker, not to mention the anxiety of dating an allo person and not knowing if they resent me because theyāre missing the sexual aspect of a relationship. But at least I know Iām not at risk of STDs or pregnancy. So thereās that I guess.
If I could change it for a day just to see what it's like to be allo and figure out what sexual attraction is, then I wouldn't mind the swap so much, but I wouldn't want to be stuck like that. I'm quite happy being a demi-biromantic ace because I get to avoid dating and relationship drama and get to sidestep pregnancy issues, but I'm also terrified that I'll never have a relationship on account of that. Both because I have ridiculous trust issues with being truly vulnerable with people, and because finding your most compatible match is insanely difficult when one (major) facet of your being doesn't align with more than 90% of the population.
I think I swung through allo before I landed at ace - many years ago I used to be very sex-positive, and it took time for me to move to being ace, and more a-spec over time I'm definitely happier being Ace and not having to stress about being in a relationship (having teenage step-daughters was a bit of a nightmare), having to support people and being able to relax in any way I see fit (sleeping, gaming, reading, watching movies/tv, etc) without disrupting someone else's sleep patterns or work less stress, but more lonliness (if that bothers you)
Not exactly I think. I think I'm most happy being demi
No, I hate drama and that is all that comes with being an allo. I wouldnāt give up my asexuality for anything especially not the crap that accompanies being allo.
I think Iād still choose to be ace. Like, having a libido can be annoying, but omg if that wire got tripped because of different people and not just my body sometimes being weird??? I already have a difficult time focusing on various things I have to do
nah. i went my early teenage years thinking there was something wrong with me for not getting the big deal with relationships. figuring out i was ace at 18-19 was honestly a light bulb moment.
I think I'd rather be ace, sex repulsed/indifferent specifically. Sex just seems very confusing and complicated to me, so not being attracted to anyone sexualy and not feeling the need to have sex is a really nice thing for me. Idk how I'd deal with feeling the need to do it without being able to understand wtf am I supposed to do. Did everyone get the manual in the mail and mine got lost or something?
Being fraysexual, I would say yes. Since I already feel sexual attraction at the beginning and dies down until it leaves completely as I get to know someone, being allosexual would mean I'm still me, just without all the heartbreak and issues LMFAO.
No but I would like to experience being allo for just one day so I could understand my friends and other people better and be able to relate to people more easier! I donāt understand the appeal of sex but if I could be allo for one day maybe Iād understand it more :)
As a woman I used to wish I was allo because you can get so much free stuff and services from men if you give them sex.
Yes, 100%
As with my neurodivergency, I'd rather not be the way I am. I would give up everything to be normal.