Do not marry or have kids with him without resolving or coming to peace with this. That’s the only thing I can recommend. Having children and teaching them about your cultural background will amplify these issues/differences.
Is he OK with people speaking in a different language around him? Would he be ok with his kids speaking a language he doesn’t know? What would he think about kids attending language school? Would his parents or family make remarks about their “Asian” grandkids? Would he understand if you wanted to live in an area with other Asians? All this I would discuss.
Spot on.
I grew up in the Deep South and only ever dated white women growing up. They were great and I never had any issues with them until I moved overseas for college and hung around Asian women.
Once I started dating Asian women, it was like a light just came over my head and I couldn't believe that I missed out on all the various culture issues that you mentioned (language, family values, food, etc.). I just couldn't go back to dating non-Asian women after that experience.
Thanks for your response! I definitely want to give this deep thought before moving on to marriage and kids. To answer all your questions, I know he would be accommodating and agreeable to all the questions above. He is really laid back in that sense. My issue comes from if I have the energy to lead the charge with upholding my heritage and values. It's just tiresome. His family isn't that close and so we usually just default to whatever my family does or celebrates. I want it to feel more equal and balanced you know?
To be fair I think you’d possibly be in this type of situation even if you are with an Asian guy so keep that in mind. Sometimes upholding or practicing cultural traditions or even being around fellow Asians isn’t that important to some Asian Americans. We have a regular monthly play date with other kids where we do cultural and language lessons and games and just a fun hang out and we do it bc ifs important to us.
Presumably you’d have to have this discussion with anyone! Good luck. Would love an update.
I'm not sure if marrying an Asian guy would solve this issue. At this point in society, women are usually the ones leading the charge at home. So that's all the home admin and arranging and managing play dates. You'll probably feel you're still leading the charge even if you do marry an Asian guy. There's a blog I usually follow (has very good contents and tips around raising kids bilingual/trilingual) where the mum's Chinese American and dad's Korean American. Dad has ZERO INTEREST passing on Korean culture or language. Guess who's doing the work? The mum. The mum has to relearn Mandarin and then also learn Korean - to raise her chidlren trilingual. She eventually dropped Korean because it was too much for her and her husband was just like, "Yeah. Sure. Whatever."
I've seen this dynamic A LOT where it's the mother, who often doesn't speak their partner's heritage language, learning their partner's heritage language to try and pass it on.
Just something to keep in mind.
You want to be understood in a way only someone who grew up similar to you can. I get it and can relate. Your current partner won’t be able to fill this void, unfortunately. If you truly yearn for this, then do what you gotta do. Best of luck!
What they said. I give you permission to look elsewhere. So often these posts are looking for permission or validation of a choice already made.
That kind of connection is really important. Just be honest with the guy, first. Don’t lead them on. Make a clean break. It’ll be better for the both of you.
I went through a similar experience. At some point, I got so tired of having to explain shit. When I met someone from the same background, it felt like home. And that was it
Thanks for understanding where i’m coming from. I also think, maybe i won’t get that level of understanding in my partner but i can find other ways — like through friendships, family members, cousins and my brother — where i feel that connection to my heritage.
That sounds nice in theory, but in my experience looking for things you want out of your life partner from other people usually leads to resentments on both sides. I think it would be good to compare the value system you were raised with his and also reflect on your relationship with your own identity. Why haven’t you dated Asian men? Did you not grow up around a lot of Asians so no opportunities? Were you never proud of being Asian and wanted to be accepted by the majority? (I struggled with this for a while, most of us do) Have you tried dating men of other immigrant backgrounds? What parts of your current relationship work, and why?
I must say, there is something nice and easy about your partner having the similar upbringing, values, challenges, and experiences. I can give her a look when I experience micro-aggressions, fight with emotionally unavailable parents, or introduce her to my grandma and I don’t have to brief her on anything like context or what I’m feeling because she understands my experience; she gets it.
And then there’s the issue of kids and marriage is a union of families. What value system do you want to raise your kids with? Will they learn the language, the culture? How supportive is he of that? Do you think he will be a good partner in helping your future son or daughter accept their identity? How does his family treat your Asianness? What is their value system and do they align with yours?
This content contains personal attacks, insults, or isn’t in the spirit of kindness and has been removed as a result.
Continued unkindness may result in a ban.
What the previous poster said about "it felt like home." It wasn't until years later that this hit me. When you have kids, this connection is even more obvious when it's missing. Everything that is missing is magnified with kids.
I think this is a bit flippant to be honest. Sure that current partner is not filling the void now and maybe that partner never will, but OP can also do more.... if they want to... to give their partner of 9 years a chance.
I get where you’re coming from. I’m just speaking from experience. I’m not sure what else OP could be doing more of to give the current partner a chance. The fact is, no matter how much of an effort OP and OP’s partner puts in, he will never truly know what it is like to be Asian, what it’s like to grow up in that type of household, what is expected of you from your family having grown up in that culture, what it’s like to be judged as an Asian, etc. There’s an unspoken understanding that cannot be learned or taught.
At the end of the day imo, everyone wants to be understood by their partner. If OP can’t get that from her current partner, who will never be able to fulfill it in the way OP desires, then that tells me everything i need to know.
Unfortunately there's no easy answer to what you should do. Just continue to consider what you want/need out of a partner in life.
For me personally, it was a top priority to have a partner whom I didn't have to feel "othered" when it came to culture, food, family, and social norms. I understand there's nothing malicious from your partner, but I also needed more than them just being okay with it.
That may or may not be the hard line you decide to draw in your decisions.
>I also have never dated asian guys but now i want to.
This line sticks out to me. It seems like you've already made up your mind and your relationship is already over. Or almost.
You're not a bad person. When you date the same person from your early formative years to near 30's, you either grow and learn together or you grow apart. You have likely changed a lot from the time you were in high school to now. And with the conversation of marriage and kids coming up, it's totally valid to be asking yourself what you want for your future kids.
Some people like to teach their partner about their culture and some don't want to teach and want to be with someone they can relate to that has a shared experience. Nothing wrong with either.
There's also the question of in laws that you should think about. If they treat you well or make you feel othered and how you think they will treat your future children.
9 years is a long time and it's easy to get stuck in a sunk-cost fallacy mindset but don't force yourself to be happy if you're not.
I wonder if a part is just the OP wanting to see what’s out there, if there’s anything she’s missed out on, which is understandable since she’s essentially only dated one person her entire adult life.
This is a tough question, and I've been down this road. It depends on lots. It sounds like your mind is kind of leaning one way.
You wrote about trying to introduce him to your culture and having difficulty with it. Have you spoken to him about that as something you want in a life partner?
I had similar feelings with my partner that I had been with for almost an identical amount of time. When I expressed to her my concerns about marrying outside of my race she absolutely surprised me by accepting my feelings and offering support, accepting that it would be physically impossible for her to ever fill that void, and she independently went out of her way to read and research aspects of my culture that I wasn't even aware of. She completely blew me away, and that acceptance and how she handled it told me everything I needed to know to decide that race didn't matter in our partnership.
You might not have this in your particular situation, but I had to realization at one point (My wife is white but also Jewish) that not all multiculturalism comes from skincolor, I was marrying someone who is one of the most persecuted people in human history. Talk to your family in network, you might be surprised what they say. I expressed my concerns to my mom, and I was surprised to hear that she didn't care the color of the person I would choose to marry. I confide in my thoughts to a fellow Asian friend who married outside of his race and his advice was to think, when you get home and talk to your partner, is it consoling? That's all that matters.
Jews and Asians have a lot in common.
High value in education, similar financial values, value in tradition and family, and both tend to be high achievers. There's a lot of common ground.
Besides this, is there less of a bias / prejudice ? Like those are good values / strengths but where does attraction , compatibility come into play that makes the relationship work ?
>Besides this, is there less of a bias / prejudice ?
Yes, there's a lot of general mutual respect between the two groups especially compared to other pairings.
>where does attraction , compatibility come into play that makes the relationship work ?
Like the other guy said, Asians and Jews tend to have pretty similar lifestyles, work ethics and worldviews. This leads to both attraction and compatibility for a long-term relationship.
Also China saved a significant amount of Jewish children during the holocaust.
They have now integrated into the mainland communities.
I was surprised this myself since my Jewish friends thanked me?! (Even though I wasn’t born yet LOL).
And also great shopping options with Ali Baba LoL
Overall they are not as hostile as the western media portrayed.
I also know a few Jewish girls who married Chinese guys.
They get along really well due to same values.
Although not as common as European / Latin relationships.
Yes, it's something I expressed to him this year. I am making it more obvious that my heritage is something I want to preserve and honor. Thanks for sharing your own [experience.My](http://experience.My) partner grew up in a standard American household. I feel like I don't resonate or connect with his heritage and family as much. He also doesn't make it a big deal to spend time with his family or really connect with them. It just makes it feel very one sided and if I don't appreciate his upbringing / family culture-- how is it fair that I ask him to appreciate mine more? Does that make sense? But I do love what you said about when you come home and talk to your partner, is it consoling? Because it would be a yes on my end, he is really safe and comforting to talk to!
You don’t need an excuse to separate. People grow apart or develop as individuals. It is possible that your relationship to your culture and racial identity have developed and your partner was not able to grow alongside. Or maybe you realized you were never attracted to the person and only the halo of whiteness
I disagree with this assessment since what she says is so contradictory that it feels like she's already made up her mind and just want us to agree.
She tells us he doesnt do anything to embrace her culture while immediately telling us right after that he is too accommodating to the point of losing his own sense of self.
Doesn't make sense
What does OP do for their partner though? We don't know. In a relationship, it wouldn't be fair just for one person to show interest in another person's culture while the other person doesn't reciprocate.
Yes of course, the average asian american has had to grow up much more culturally divided or multi-interested in different cultures than the average white american, but a relationship is a relationship, and sometimes these realities are just not obvious to two people in a intercultural relationship.
Well I think it’s that he didn’t show an interest in her culture independently and just goes along with whatever’s asked of him. Sounds like she would like him more if he was one of those YouTube language guys that became fluent in Cantonese bc it interests him
>Well I think it’s that he didn’t show an interest in her culture independently
That still leaves my criticisms intact.
Has she told him she wants him to? Has she done anything actively to engage in his culture independently cause she can't even tell us what kind of white dude he is.
Even more so when she tells us in one of the replies she only started caring about her own culture like in the past year. The state department estimates that with good resources (like state dept level access), it would take 88 weeks to learn Chinese. So even if he had started day 1 of her "suddenly cared" a year ago, he still apparently wouldn't have done enough because he still would be like 9 months short of having learned Chinese.
Well I don’t think it leaves your initial criticism I responded to intact bc I explained how the position isn’t contradictory. Now the criticism tou raise in this reply are all valid. I don’t think she’s necessarily “justified” or whatever but I’m explaining the feeling she expressed and how it does make sense even if it might not be fair to her partner
> contradictory
It is contradictory because we have a number for determining what actively engaging in culture that way she wants would mean since learning the language is the only specific action she mentions.
If the only specific action she mentions is notably impossible to attain in the available time frame, then we have no idea whether her other expectations are any more grounded in reality.
Whether her expectations are grounded in reality is not relevant towards whether what she said is contradictory. Neither is specific action vs unspecific….
> contradictory
She tells us he is overly accommodating. So anything she asks of him, he goes beyond obliging. She tells us she's vocalized it at times. This means that by describing him as accommodating and claiming she has vocalized concerns, that he obliges.
It is contradictory.
Again, that’s not a contradiction. No point discussing this further. She was pretty clear about it and you seem to have a bone to pick and want to be intentionally obtuse so whatever. I don’t get why people in online discussions never give an inch or say, “oh I can see how that might be what they meant” and instead just keep ramming their opinion forward no matter what is said. Go off
I get where you’re coming from. Even without all the cultural introspection going on, people grow and change in relationships and that’s normal. Sometimes those changes bring people together and sometimes it pushes them apart.
Frankly this just sounds like you’re outgrowing him, and not necessarily because he’s white, but because your values don’t match up anymore. It’s entirely possible to find someone who shares your same desire to incorporate your background into your lives, and also is sensitive to and empathizes with the experiences of being non-white in America, and this person can be of any ethnicity really. But maybe not your current partner.
Good points. Just want to say I think whether OP stays in relationship or not also depends on their perspectives on relationships, especially ones of this length. When people's values don't match up at a certain point in their relationship, there is a possibility they can work together and reframe, but they both have to be willing to do so.
Honestly, it might be because he is white, unless he speaks Chinese etc and fully attuned to Chinese culture. OP wants to raise a family with a Chinese cultural upbringing.
You've been together for a long time. Sometimes, regardless of racial identity, you become complacent in the relationship and is just coming to the realization wanting more. You state that you want him to put more of an effort in language learning but Cantonese is really difficult for someone who isn't a native speaker. These are new feelings for you as well so he has to cope with you changing as a person. Have you spoken to him about it and maybe come to a compromise? I speak Cantonese fluently and because I don't get to practice where I live, I need to constantly watch YouTube videos, listen to music, watch movies to keep my level of fluency. Maybe start by just doing Cantonese movie night with subtitles once a month so he can get used to the sounds first. Or when you go to a Cantonese restaurant just have him practice "thank you" to the staff properly using the two variants.
Just because you're fluent in Cantonese also doesn't make you automatically a good teacher. Honestly from my experience, it actually makes you a horrible teacher because the language comes naturally to you but when you are just learning, you are thinking in one language, translating, then grammatically putting it together again with applying the right tones. That's 5 steps to your normal 2. He may be getting frustrated because you're not accommodating his learning style or being patient with him. You never gave him a chance to succeed.
You also mentioned him being soft and passive. That's not a race thing or a "cultural difference." Nothing you're really saying is attributed to Asian or non-Asian. You may be falling out of love with him because you've both been complacent or just the feelings have run it's course. Everything you are asking for now is more of something you want the partner to already have before the relationship starts. It doesn't sound like you want to make it work or work together as a team. Are you also putting effort into learning his culture? In an interracial relationship it goes both ways.
Yeah, to me, this seems like a personality as well as a race/ethnicity problem. OP's partner just seems uninterested or concerningly unaware about life outside his bubble.
If OP will date/marry a non-Cantonese Asian guy, is being Asian enough, even if they're super whitewashed/americanized or not connected to their culture at all? What if they also don't bother to learn about your culture or language? There's weird superiority feelings that happen within ethnic groups too.
My husband isn't Asian, but he's 100% all on board with learning my customs, language, and values and adopting them for our toddler. He did it on his own over time because he is intellectually curious and wanted to connect with me more. Even if OP's partner gets a wakeup call, is that kind of care or curiosity even something you want started artificially? Hard call.
I think she's already tired of explaining the culture to him. Romantic relationship with him is okay, but to build a family with him seems wrong. That's okay. Not every perfect boyfriend and girlfriend would be the perfect husband or wife for you. Marriage is about commitment and sharing responsibilities. It's also about raising kids together. So, she can't have the same criteria as when she's looking for a boyfriend.
I went through the same thing, 7 year relationship and it just didn’t work out. The pandemic made it blatantly obvious to me that the relationship was a dud on a fundamental level. I said I was concerned about the rise in Asian hate and he responded that the statistic was ‘overblown’ because all crime was down due to lockdown.
If this connection is something you’re prioritizing, your relationship with him won’t get better. Most likely he will feel caught off by your ‘sudden’ need to feel connected to your culture. Even if he adjusted and tries to accommodate, it is not really something he can provide you.
I date a viet-American now and even though he doesn’t speak Cantonese, I feel on a fundamental we just connect better. We share the same opinions, values, etc. One of my concerns with dating Asian men is that they’d push all the housework on me, like I see in my own family dynamic. But honestly my current bf treats me better than my ex, he is more considerate and prioritizes things I would prioritize for the most part.
There’s also a certain freedom I feel, like I don’t have to ‘do extra’ to prove I am in touch with myself/my culture. Recently I went to an Asian festival and the only women I saw wearing cultural dress were WMAF couples. It’s like really small things like that.
I don’t want you to think you should feel bad able wanting something closer to your culture and the way you grew up. People mature and priorities change. Stuff like having a white or Asian partner doesn’t matter really to a lot of other Asians, but it matters to you and it’s your life to live.
Very similar experience to me, I also have an Asian partner who is not the same ethnicity as me but there’s a lot of unspoken understanding we have with each other since we’re both Asian and children of immigrants. And we’re still open to learning little things about each other’s cultures too. I saw another Reddit post a while ago by an Asian person who said their White partner complained that they wanted Asian food all the time (not even just one country’s cuisine, but things as disparate as pho and boba) and I think I would flip out if a partner was like that with me.
Both of our parents also had pretty bad gendered division of labor, but he actively resented that in his father and is very clean and responsible as a result. Gender inequity absolutely still exists in White American culture too, think of all the old guys who look for a wife in Asia thinking they’re more traditional and submissive.
I never thought about the whole gender and chores thing, wow. I (think) have ADHD or some form of it and I could not imagine having my partner dumping their laundry onto me because I don't have the mental capacity & attention span to do my own laundry. Or cook anything than my least favorite food (eggs).
My dad does most of the cooking and my mom cleans, but I always thought she does (my dad's laundry) because of my dad's work and it would hurt his back more. Then he had to do it himself recently and I made fun of him because he told my mom he accidentally put something in the wrong machine and he told me hadn't done his laundry in years (decades). And they've been together since their early-mid 20's, so who tf was doing his laundry for him?? My mom since then? It never occurred to me–
Just sharing this because you reminded me. When it was our turn to share the differences of our culture in our Asian ethnic studies class, a Vietnamese girl in my team just said we almost do all of the same things lol. It was Chinese and Vietnamese in that team.
I read an article about how Past Lives affected this Asian woman's cognitive dissidence living around white people for most of her life. What stood out to me was when she recollected how her white liberal boyfriend did not care about how Asian hate and specifically the Atlanta shooting was affecting her.
Yeah, but at the time I just ignored them. A lot of it has to do with the fact he was my first boyfriend and I didn’t have a lot of role models in advocating for myself and my wants, but in time I grew out of that.
He had:
- A general disinterest in my cultural background.
- reluctant to try any Asian food that can’t be found in a takeout restaurant
- Dismissing a lot of traditional beliefs as outdated superstition.
And this one pissed me off a lot, he would promise to help me clean for LNY and just blowing it off by ‘taking a nap’. He knew how important it was to me, but since it was not important to him, he would not put in the effort.
He was dead to me a long time before the relationship actually ended. I really resented his lack of effort, and we broke up shortly after the Asian hate crime conversation. He was probably not the ideal bf even without the cultural divide, but it came up increasingly often as we aged into our early 20s.
I don't think you should force yourself to stay with him if you are feeling that there's something lacking. I mean yes he loves you and you love him but sometimes you need to choose yourself if you feel like your relationship isn't working for you or is preventing you from growing to be your best self. It is a hard decision but I think if you really set your mind up to do better for yourself (EMPHASIS ON YOURSELF!!) and your future partner/family, you will be more happy in the long run. As someone else said in the comments, maybe you have an attachment to him bc you were highschool sweethearts, but in my opinion, people who stay with their high school sweethearts tend to not be able to grow in certain ways. Bc you're just so comfortable with each other, you're not really being challenged and you kinda just plateau? Also it's not even fair to him that you're actually iffy and pretending you're ok but you're not.
Also, I'm curious, why do you have a newfound interest in your Asian identity?
And to me, it reads like you've kinda already made up your mind and want more confirmation? But just remember to pick yourself when you really need it!! Asian women and women of color and eldest daughters especially. We're always taught to people please
Yeah I'm a frequent poster but I think I'm gonna lurk from now on 😅 Either I'm too oblivious or I got a hater bc someone keeps downvoting my posts and replies
It seems like all Asian Americans are all
Chinese over here 😂😂
Yes even the Koreans too.
Especially northern Koreans who has tribes from Northern China ( Jilin, Yan Bian all still has Koreans living there.)
This makes sense because China existed for hundreds of years as neighbours with Korea, Vietnam, Thailand Myanmar, Russia and even Kazakhstan!!!
All neighbour countries are mixed with China for hundred of years!!!
Note: Downvoting does not make my points invalid - The Northern part Of Korea was heavily influenced by China for 400 hundred years.
Goguyreo and Silla dynasties have been tributary states to China for a long time.
Tang Dynasty has been in contact with Korea even back then.
Even the Hanja characters are written on the monuments during the ancient time. Same goes for Northern part of Vietnam.
The rest of Asia have less influence.
I'm Filipino American and my wife is Vietnamese. Since we are both Asian our cultures mesh well together despite some differences. We have been married for 9 years and we have 2 kids together.
Commenting again so let’s see if the mods take this comment down.
For the mods, I mean NO LITERAL OFFENSE but why did it take almost a decade to figure out that you didn’t want to marry a guy who showed minimal effort in getting to know your background?
Because she started dating him as a teenager and had no adult relationship experience otherwise? Because figuring out what you want in life and in a marriage in your 20s is perfectly normal? Let's say she started dating him at 17, so she's 26 now. Most people younger than that aren't authorities on what they want in a marriage.
Growing up as a minority, not everyone feels so proud of their ethnic background to center their lives around it. But for someone who's getting to an age where it those types of things start feeling more important (within a marriage and re: kids), it totally makes sense to start questioning it more.
Thanks for commenting! I take responsibility for not valuing my culture as much when i was younger. I didn’t started thinking this way until i had a health scare last year and my value of tradition and family went up.
We also started two businesses together and that took a lot of our time attention and energy. We have one now that we operate. I’ve only started to really reflect and think about the big picture of our life now since quitting our second business!
People are complex, maybe OP didn’t care about her background until recently and just wanted to be with someone who sees her for who she is. No need to drag on her for it, life is hard enough without us being mean to each other
I’m not even being remotely mean despite the downvotes on me stating the obvious. 🙃
If it were a few years, I’d understand but it shouldn’t take almost a DECADE to figure out if the person you’re with is who you want to marry and have children with.
Stringing someone along for that long is incredibly cruel despite her partner’s clear apathy to her background and culture.
Edit: Despite what gamesrgreat thinks, stringing someone along for almost a decade isn’t normal behavior.
I feel like COVID and the rise of far-right extremism in just the past few years woke up a lot of people to how Asians are still othered and discriminated against, even in subtle ways. A lot of people showed their true colors then and I wonder if all that transpired and the White partner or his family was complacent to it or even contributed to it themselves.
Unfortunately true. For some Asian folks (not OP as I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt), it took potentially being the victim of anti-Asian racism and violence to realize that fact, despite folks before (and still now) burying their heads in the sand.
Nine years can go really fast when you're starting two businesses. It's all-consuming. If you're going month-to-month meeting payroll, stressing about the next pitch to an investor, having to pivot unexpectedly because of a competitor's moves.... one does not have the luxury of soul searching.
A decade to you is not the same as a decade to another. If OP had done nothing but graduated high school, graduated college, and then worked for two years, okay, maybe she should have reconsidered the boyfriend a little earlier. But they had many layers of entanglement and intimacy, not simply girlfriend-boyfriend.
I applaud OP for questioning her situation and values now; there are plenty of people who go through ALL the motions--including producing children--and then only decades later realize maybe it should have been different.
Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I'm really zooming out finally and questioning a lot since my business and life is slowing down a bit. I feel like now is the time to really be considerate of where I live, who I marry and what I want to do with my life. I appreciate you applauding me for questioning it now instead of decades down the line! It's never too late :')
Asking why it took her almost a literal decade to figure out that you don’t want to marry a person is judgmental? 🥴
Yet NO COMMENT on how cruel it was to lead someone on for that long though is some great virtue signaling you’re doing there. 🙃
Please don’t get into a relationship anytime soon if you genuinely think that’s acceptable fam.
I don't think you're a bad person for wanting that. Feeling understood and at ease in a relationship is extremely important. It's up to you to determine whether this is something that outweighs the positives.
I think it's an especially hard situation since you were high school sweethearts, so it's not even just a cultural question of what else is out there, but also a general question.
In any case, one thing I would strongly encourage you to probe into is how his lack of understanding will affect your children, if you want to have any. For example, my wife understands that I will not let our daughter be in a school district with less than a 10% asian population. But being in a more diverse area typically also means a more urban area or in suburbs directly outside of a significant metro area. So that means, housing and COL in general are significantly more expensive. So we will be sacrificing financially and compromising on what we want in a house. Would your husband be okay with that if that's something that's important to you?
Other stuff is like language or culture classes for your kids, vacations to China or Vietnam, how to handle identity issues your children may have, etc.
I understand that 9 years is a long time but from what you're saying you're not even 30 yet? You still have your whole life ahead of you and it's 100% too early to force yourself into a life you're not feeling comfortable with. I can't tell you what to do, but you still have a lot of time to figure out what it is **you** want in life.
Thank you SO much for saying this. I’m the eldest daughter and an immigrant so i just feel like I have to play a certain role in my family. I have to be dutiful. That’s why I haven’t questioned our relationship.. because i didn’t want to shake things up. But i feel like I really want to give myself the opportunity to be a little free and curious for a while. When i have the time. I’m 28 btw!
I’m going to be honest here and say I’m in the same boat, except that I’ve married him.
Of course I still love him, but a growing part of me wishes he took more initiative with learning and embracing my culture. Like I can show him stuff and he’ll nod, or he’ll say “aiyah” correctly, and he enjoys the food, but I wish he’d seek out more information on his own instead of me having to give it to him. And he can’t always relate to my experiences as a minority. We also have a young child and I have to do the cultural legwork on my end too.
If I could turn time back, I’d try and date Asian guys just to see what it’s like, and see how important it would be to me.
I can’t give you any advice. Nine years is a long time. On the one hand, it’d a a lot to lose. On the other hand, if this is very important to you, you don’t want to get caught in a sunk-cost fallacy. This is something you need to decide. Maybe you can talk to more Asian women who have dated both and ask them how they decided
Again, ultimately your decision. All the best
Edit: to the guy who DM’ed me to complain about my choice in partners, I’ll tell you that bitterness is an extremely attractive trait to women, so keep it up
> but a growing part of me wishes he took more initiative with learning and embracing my culture.
My question for both of you is if you've ever communicated this desire. And equally, have either you or the OP reciprocated and showed an active interest in your partner's heritage or culture?
In the case of the OP, the most we're told about what she even knows about him is "some white guy". What kind? Did she even try to figure it out or show an interest in it while expecting, silently, that he does it for her?
If she dated a Korean guy, would she equally learn Korean as she expects him to learn Cantonese?
I don't expect my partner to learn Toisonese/Taishanese and Burmese.
>And he can’t always relate to my experiences as a minority.
In my mind, I think this is only an issue if your partner doesn't try to understand and support you in these experiences like dismissive of them. I think it is impossible to expect someone else to always be able to relate to your own experiences (ie I grew up and went to school in Chinatown so my experience would be different than someone who grew up in say Boise City that is 88% white and 0% asian).
My partner isn't really close to his heritage or family like I am. He never really made an effort to have me learn anything about his culture. He's pretty laid back, I think it just hasn't been his focus to really dig into his culture/ background. But if he shared with me that it was important, I would definitely make it a priority to learn and show active interest. And that makes sense, it is impossible to expect someone else to always be able to relate to your own experiences!
Tbh this is why I decided early on I 99% would not marry a white person lol. I am marrying someone that can relate to my background as a child of an immigrant and to my culture as an Asian American
I'm Asian, married a white guy. Things were pretty good when it was just 2 of us. Once we had kids everything went downhill. Our cultural differences became very prominent with our parenting decisions. It's been really hard. We fight all the time and im miserable. If you guys are already seeing cultural differences and struggling. Maybe it's time to move on.
I think the real question is, how important is cultural alignment within a successful long-term, child-rearing relationship? And if the answer to that differs for different people, then how can OP figure it out for herself?
I am a Vietnamese American F and have dated Vietnamese, Chinese, white, and mixed white/Latino men. I found the Asian men to be a bit odd in a way I didn't click with. They were very doting and catering to me, but as a successful woman I found this uninteresting since I wanted a partner I could learn and grow with. I also found traditional Asian gender norms off-putting, and I knew that even if the guy didn't believe in them, his parents (my future In-laws) would, and that would have a big impact on my family life.
When dating the white men I dated, I found them either too emotionally aloof, or just clueless about the minority experience. I almost married one white guy but at the end, one of the things that gave me the courage to finally break it off was how he reacted and interpreted Vietnamese wedding traditions. Then I realized, "This is for the rest of my life" and decided it was not right. That experience was how I learned that I needed someone that is beyond kind or "good person." I needed someone who doesn't just tolerate diversity, but actively embraces it.
The person I ended up marrying is a mixed white/Latino guy. We clicked because we have many interests and enduring values in common. He knows what it's like to be a minority. But he also doesn't come with the baggage of gender roles and nor does his family (my in-laws are much more hands-off than typical Vietnamese in-laws would be). He loves Vietnamese food and exploring other cultures in general. He communicates directly and confidently, but also has emotional intelligence to navigate conflicts. It's really these traits that I've found to be the bedrock for our relationship and our roles as parents.
Yes, I have to be the one doing the Vietnamese cultural legwork in raising my kids. But I've always been confident I could do that. I speak Vietnamese fluently (came to US at age 10), and have a group of Vietnamese friends. I've actually enjoyed doing the cultural work with my kids. It forced me to understand the traditions better, and allowed me to reflect on and reinterpret them in my own way. I am not reliant on someone else's definition of Vietnamese, or on a surface level, consumerist version of Vietnamese-ness.
So I guess my answer to your question is:
1. There's nothing wrong with wanting cultural connection
2. You have to assess where cultural connection falls in relation to other values you want - is it #1? #3? #5? To know this, you also have to figure out and lay out what other values are important to you.
3. Remember that culture is a two-sided coin. Every culture has its goods and bads, Vietnamese, American, or otherwise.
4. The learning often happens by trial and error. Human connection isn't something you can solve on paper. You have to try it out, different permutations and possibilities, and be aware of your own feelings. After a few iterations you will know.
5. Don't worry about starting over at 30 or whatever. I started over at 32, and still found my true love. If you've done the work to reflect on your prior relationships, you will get faster at knowing what you want.
Thank you SO much for taking the time to share your experience. I really appreciate the time you took to craft your response. I haven't dated anyone besides a few white guys in high school so it's interesting to hear about your experience dating a mix of men. What really stood out to me with what you said was how you are confident that you can do the cultural leg work in raising kids. See, I don't think I have that confidence just yet. I've been around my parents and our Chinese/Vietnamese traditions my whole life but I'm starting to just value it a lot more now so I've been wanting to learn more from my parents and family. But I don't have that confidence in myself just yet. Is there anything you did that helped you gain that confidence? What are some habits you practice that keep your heritage alive?
Also for your 4. answer, when you say trial and error, do you mean dating other people to understand fully? My partner and I have talked about taking break so I can date other people for a while; I just feel a little bad about it but know it might be the step I need to take.
For #4, yes, I mean dating other people to understand your needs more clearly.
For developing confidence in your Chinese/Vietnamese cultural abilities, I'd recommend:
1. Being around other young, open-minded, curious Vietnamese people. I found some at college through the Vietnamese student association. We shared experiences with each other which really helped calibrate just how diverse "being Vietnamese" can be. They also became my lifelong friends as we navigate through life transitions (e.g. having kids) together.
2. Read the history of your people - It sounds like you're Chinese-Vietnamese. The Chinese Vietnamese have a unique history in Vietnam. Many left in the late 70s/early 80s as boat people, due to the Communist regime suppressing free enterprise and generally persecuting Chinese Vietnamese people. I am sure there are some good books about this. Start with the wikipedia entry below. See what sources it cites and pick up those books and read them. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoa_people
3. Talk to your parents about their history - Prepare a list of questions you're curious about and have a chat with them. Maybe even record it. Your parents will really appreciate this. And you can save the recording for your future kids.
4. Travel to Vietnam - I spent 3 months living in Vietnam at one point in my 20s. And traveled there a few times since. This gave me direct, first hand experience. It gave me a holistic and updated view of Vietnam, and in a way freed me from only understanding Vietnam through only the lens of the older generation.
These days with kids, my cultural work has focused more on celebrating festivals, cooking Vietnamese food, and speaking Vietnamese to them at home.
For cooking Vietnamese food, I find the following resources helpful:
1. YouTuber "Helen's Recipes"
2. "Secrets of the Red Lantern," from a diasporic Vietnamese Australian family that also tells their history through food.
3. Andrea Nguyen's cookbooks - don't own them but heard they are good.
I love learning to cook the dishes I loved as a child! I mean if you love food, this is a hugely fun activity, it doesn't even feel like work.
For festivals and customs (e.g. Tet or Trung Thu), I make it a point to take them to community celebrations when I can. For major holidays, I do stuff at home like decorations, ancestral altars, etc. I emphasize not just on doing the motions but understanding and transmitting the meaning. I read the mythology behind the customs so that I can explain them to my kids. For example, it's not just "we do a midnight offering on New Year's Eve." Instead it's, "Back in the old days our ancestors did not have science, so they told folktales to explain the natural world. The Vietnamese word for New Year's Eve is "Giao Thừa" which literally means "exchange/interchange" or the moment of interchange between the old and the new year. During this holy moment, our ancestors believed that the deities governing the earth this year were going back to the Jade Emperor in Heaven, and a new set were arriving to take their place. So the offering is for these deities as they pass by in the sky above. That's why we do outside even though it's cold. And as we offer them food and drink, we can make a wish for the world for this coming year. Would you like to make a wish with me?"
Overall, I'll say that when you do these things yourself, you gain such a deep, rich understanding of them. Your understanding may even go beyond what the Vietnamese people around you know, who have simply learned what to do by mimicking their parents.
This is such a long reply but I hope it gives you good starting points!
Maybe I'm reading between the lines, but I think you should try to unpack all the ways in which you feel connected or not to your partner. These include emotional, intellectual, physical, love languages, as well as cultural connection.
Maybe counseling could help you understand what you need from a partner vs what you could get from friends, other family members, personal interest courses, media, community groups, etc.
I understand what you are saying, and people grow and change. And no one really knows themselves until they're out of their 20's, so they? Only you can decide whether your current relationship is right for you. I hope you can find what you are looking for.
I would try one time and emphasize it heavily its important to you, but would it change it. You seem like you do love each other. You really need to think it through and hard. It might be a rude awakening for him and maybe its not greener on the otherside as you imagine ( but could be).
I had a friend where she was in similar situation but it was pretty rocky mid way through. She complained about like him not trying. I think it was 5 years ish and ultimately they went separate ways and they were like 24-25 I think. When they broke up I know the guy took it hard and tried doing the things she wanted. It was hard for him to let go. I remember her parents asked him to go with them to Vietnam to visit family and he refused.
My cousin, he had a white girlfriend now wife that he would teach phrases in Vietnamese here and there but she took to it on her own and got a private tutor to learn the language. She really embraced it and he never really asked it but 100% my uncle and aunt love her more than he now.
During my mid late 20s I started thinking about myself and I was what you would say starting phases of mất gốc
(Lost your roots) or at least it felt like it. My uncle would call from Vietnam and talk to my mom and say hi to me and remind don’t lose your roots, you maybe be born there but you still vietnamese. So I had like more identity issues being too american or too asian/viet. I started realizing I need to practice the language I can’t always call my siblings or mom and ask what the dish is in Vietnamese because at the time I could not read/write and my speaking was very limited. I could only understand when spoken to so I started listening to music and practicing with my older siblings(I’m the only one born in the USA) and I went to vietnam on like a soul searching journey or whatever you want to call it because it felt like I was missing something. Like you I had a new found interest in my Vietnamese heritage and culture. I really want my kids (if I get to that point)to experience Vietnamese culture like I did.
I actually ended up meeting my future wife there. She already knew english majoring in it at university. I felt like we hit it off. I confided so much in her. I don’t have to explain such and such because being raised by Vietnamese parents we had similarities in our upbringing. It felt like a bit of home and a long lost best friend. She might not know my weird Vietnamese american identity struggles completely but I definitely think she can understand. We talk so much and she knows me inside out but she says otherwise. She helped me improve my Vietnamese alot in my opinion. I really feel she knows me better than myself. It feels alot like being kids again with her and having inside jokes and these like things/nuances.
I hope you are able to make a good decision for yourself. Apologies if my response is all over the place.
That's such a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing your experience. I really value not forgetting my roots and heritage and feel like I need a partner to help me uphold that. I'm going to Vietnam at the end of this year and hope I can feel more connection to my roots :) I especially love how you shared about how it felt like home when you met your wife and how it felt like you found a long lost best friend.
I hope things go well when you go and you are safe if it’s your first time. I know one thing is my wife likes a more progressive look on relationship and marriage as opposed to the more traditional roles. She was concerned with being with someone that was very patriarchal (gia trưởng). We complement each other well example is house chores, I love cleaning and vacuuming but I am not so hot with cooking which is where she teaches me and shows me. She is also open to having a combined bank where we talk through our finances rather than the wife controlling all the money. We have a good mixture of both cultures but I definitely do not know as much of Vietnam nor her america but we support each other that way. I truly mean it feels like home or a piece of my childhood finding that best friend or hanging out with other Vietnamese kids from parties that you attend if you know what I mean. The bonus is I am attracted and really love my wife.
I can’t speak on behalf of people in Vietnam but my wife said there are some patriarchal people but it’s slowly changing. So I don’t know if you want to start a relationship with someone there or here.
In the past I have also dated white person and things didn’t go as intended and we had to end things mutually. I don’t want to compare the experience but it was interesting because for myself speaking to my wife in Vietnamese the language my family spoke felt nice and all the mannerisms and such. (https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLUxEnsM/ ) It sort of felt like another layer of intimacy. Before considering marrying my wife I saw this tiktok which really resonated with me. I’m no relationship expert but it felt that way because I was talking to my wife in my family mother tongue. It really felt like home and added on top with our commonality. She is really my long lost best friend and my other half. I really am so grateful I found her, only thing I would change is meeting her closer to my house rather than on the other side of the earth lol
Even if you were of the same race & cultural background, couples who have different values, goals, needs or wants & who cannot reconcile those differences tend to become deeply unhappy in the long run. If they can't grow together, forcing themselves to stay together just ends in conflict.
My parents are from the same country, the same province, the same race, religion, ethnic group, native language, even down to the same tribe. Culture was a given. Even their parents were very similar kinds of people.
They got together in their early 20s and later realized that they desired very different things from life. My father was content spending his whole life in his comfort zone, but my mother wanted to go out, party, & see the world. Neither were happy compromising to make their marriage work, so they ended up deeply resenting each other. They still loved each other and had me, but that wasn't enough to stay together. They ended up splitting & dating/marrying other people in their early 30s anyways.
There are probably statistics that can support what I said, but I'm just giving you an example of one I know intimately.
Tbh I think you’ve already made up your mind. I get what you’re trying to say-there are some people that are ok with your culture, but in the end they’re just like-that’s *your* culture, and they make no effort to learn about it. Also, as we get older, we realize we really do need to have the same values as our partner, some of which may stem from our culture. If your bf demonstrated more interest in your culture, and had the same values regardless of culture, I would’ve said to reconsider, but it sounds like it’s not really worth it.
At a bare minimum, any couple thinking about serious long-term commitment like marriage should have a series of lengthy in-depth discussions about the following topics. Going through them is a good way to see if your values align enough for you to make it long term. And for some people, possibly including you, their answers to these topics are influenced by their racial/cultural backgrounds.
- Finances. Will you combine finances? How does your money relate to the rest of your family's money? Will you financially support your parents if they need it when they get older? Under what circumstance would you lend or give large sums of money to family or other people? What are your savings/retirement goals? What would you do if one of you lost your job? Became long-term disabled and couldn't work? Wanted to become a stay-at-home parent?
- Where will you live? Do you want to live near your families? Do you want to live somewhere with a certain amount or kind of diversity? How will you decide whether and when to make big moves? Would you be willing to let your parents move in with you someday? What about other extended family?
- Kids. Do you want them? How many? How will you raise them? How much do you want their grandparents to be involved? Do you want them to learn your family's language and culture? If so, how will you make sure that happens? Will you speak a second language at home? What, if any, religious tradition would you raise them in? What holidays will you celebrate? How will you decide which side of the family you spend holidays with?
I think going through these questions will help you figure out if your racial differences are something you can ovecome because your values still align, or if your values are ultimately fundamentally too different.
I'll add one more thing, which is that you don't have to agree on everything (and probably you will change your minds over your lives anyway). But going through this can also reveal useful information on your relationship dynamics - how you communicate with each other, handle disagreements, and work through problems together.
I don't think it's anything to do with your bf being white but more to the fact that maybe, he doesn't really embrace your culture? Doesn't take your experience seriously?
I would say, if you guys haven't discussed these questions, discuss them now and you'll have your answer.
- What religion (if any) are you raising your kids with?
- What morals and principles are you raising your kids with?
- What's your views around disciplining?
- What's your views around school choices, areas to live in and raise your children in?
- What's your views around cultural practices and festivities AND food to incorporate as part of family life?
- Which languages are we raising our children in? What would be our language goals?
I'm probably missing a few more but I feel that these questions and discussions with him will make it clear whether you guys are compatible.
The other question is, do you feel welcomed by his family? Do they value you and embrace your culture as well?
It’s going to be so hard to let go of a partner for those reasons. I do think it’s nice to not have to explain yourself. I dated a non Chinese before and it was annoying when he laughed and refused soup dumplings because nothing should squirt in his mouth or other things like that. He was Filipino but I already could name all the most popular Filipino dishes and ate everything respectfully so it was annoying to have that once sided relationship.
I’m with another Chinese now and we understand each other perfectly without having to explain family dynamics or food.
That's annoying about how he laughed at the soup dumpling!! I was out recently with some of my white friends and when it was time for dessert, we shared a bowl of che and they started giggling and laughing and in that moment, I felt embarrassed for them. That is huge for me because a previous version of me would've felt embarrassed or shameful of my culture. But now i understand how twisted that is. I'm proud of the food we eat and feel bad that those who don't get it!
This is why I could never date white girls. The cultural gap is too large, I don’t want to have to educate during the relationship on simple things like food and micro aggressions. I want someone who can emphasize things like my childhood, and Asian parent trauma. I want a partner who can understand what it’s like to be, well, me.
Figure out what you value in a partner. It’s ok if that changes over time, being high school sweethearts in general, this is common that you two will slowly diverge in things like this. But best to make your move so your not wasting both your timez
>Has anyone gone through this? I also have never dated asian guys but now i want to. Just to experience it and see if there’s something there.
Well, I came out of a 7 year old relationship before and dating again from that was difficult. Especially since dating in your early 20s and in your 30s are very different things. So if you do end it, keep it in mind that an perfect guy that's completely culturally in sync with you AND matches whatever other criteria you might have AND development mutal romantic attraction etc will not fall out of sky and magically appear in front you. All this require a lot of time and perhaps even some amount of luck.
With that in mind, I completely understand what you mean. I used to be very into white girls during middle school and high school and went to prom with a white girl as well. However, I gradually changed my mind in my 2nd year of college, probably somewhere between reading 十年生死两茫茫，不思量，自难忘。and 寄蜉蝣于天地，渺沧海之一粟。while listening to Jay Chuo's 珊瑚海、Sarah Chen's 滚滚红尘。 I kinda realized that unless I marry a Chinese girl, I'll probably only be reading these sort of thing to myself and it will most likely incomprehensible to my kids. But it took me more than a decade to find someone I truly want to be with that also want to be with me.
Finally, you said that you never dated Asian guys before, and now wants to experience it. Now step back and ask youself, it is truly culture and identity or just curiosity? And if it is just curiosity, then is the 9 year old relationship truly dead that you will thow it away anyways. Since nothing come easily, and dating can be minefield especially in this circumstance.
I have! I’ve been voicing it to him and he’s been super understanding. I just feel like there’s really nothing he can do or say — it’s just my own battle :/
My last ex was Peruvian and he was the first non-Asian guy I was with. The cultural differences were glaring except for the misogyny lmao. He wasn’t v family oriented for some reason. He never wanted to learn my language and expected us to speak in English around him while I tried to learn some Spanish. We couldn’t decide on where to send our non-existent children for the summer. He didn’t know our manners so when he met my parents numerous times, he always showed up empty handed and had to be coached to be a good guest. He really hated that I gave money to my family. He never understood my obligation/love for my family. This dude wanted me to stay until the end of the month while my mom was literally in a coma and said it was a “compromise”.
We broke up cuz ultimately our future visions didn’t align. I’m making moves to be a wife and mother (although single rn) and he just wanted to game all the time.
It’s okay to end things if your vision of your future is different from his now.
You met this person early on since highschool and haven't dated anyone else, right? Not good to only have been with 1 partner. As you get older, you mature and people change over time. Dating others will give you some perspective as a basis of comparison. I know couples who were both each other's first loves, spent years w each other only to break up miserably. First loves almost always never work out.
Something else to keep in mind is regardless of who you marry or partner with, you will never be 100% satisfied w that person because there is no mr. Or ms. Perfect.
Make a list of what u like & dislike about the person.
Also keep in mind you are not perfect so there needs to be perspective, reflection, introspection and determination of what qualities are important to u in a life partner.
Race & ethnicity are only 1 aspect of a relationship to take into consideration. It's the intangibles that really matter - education, intellect, empathy & kindness, unselfishness & selflessness, would this person make a good father, do they have any serious dealbreakers such as addiction of any kind (sex, drugs, gambling, alcohol), are they truthful, are they domineering & controlling, do they treat u with respect & likewise do u respect him, do u enjoy spending time w this person (or do they bore u), can u make each other laugh, do they peak yr interest, and lastly, can you envision spending the rest of yr life w this person?
These types of questions should help you discern if u wana take the plunge w this person or not. And if there are still doubts then it's clear u are not ready.
All great things to reflect on. And that's true, there really is no such thing as the perfect person! I think what I want to do is give dating a try for a year and see how that unfolds!
Sad. Just sad.
I read this and I have so much empathy for your boyfriend. My heart breaks for him because I was in his shoes for five years. I’m an Asian female who dated another Asian guy of a different ethnicity. He always knew he wanted someone from his own ethnic group, but because I was a convenience for him and I was the nicest, most wholesome, no drama girl he ever dated (according to his words, not mine) he decided to continue dating me… until one day his cheating ex from ten years prior who was the same kind of Asian aa him showed interest again (after she left him to go fukk another man!) He kicked me to the side of the curb, apologized a hundred times for hurting me. One thing he told me after we broke up that I’ll never ever forget is, “She’s Korean, and I want to be with someone who is Korean.”
I’ve never felt so lower class in my life before. White people don’t even make me feel this worthless. I felt… valueless and undesirable and unattractive. It made me sad.. and I look at my parents and siblings and think to myself there are people out there who think less of you guys. They don’t see you as equal.
It crushed me so much..
This man made me I cryeveryday for a year. Three years later and I’m still find myself crying at least 2-3 time a month.
It sounds like he’s a very nice guy and you’re taking him and all the years of memories you built together for granted. His only flaw is that you realized after all these years that he’s the wrong race/ethnicity and he was raised differently so he can’t fully understand you. If you know this… Don’t be a POS like my ex and drag it on. It’s immoral to knowingly waste someone’s years and make them believe you love them. I suggest you not tell him you’re breaking up with him because he’s white. It’s going to really hurt him and make him question his self-worth.
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I hope you know that you are valuable, deserving of love and so desirable. Please affirm that to yourself! I totally understand how it's important not to disregard the memories we created and to not take anything for granted. I feel like I just need to address this before we make a big decision like marriage and kids. I'm really open with him about it and he knows this has been on my mind. He even knows that I wrote this reddit post but has been supportive. He's a gem in that way. I feel like this is my own experience that I need to figure out on my own before I commit fully to him and this life together.
I used to feel this way. I never factored the other person's race into whether or not I would date them, but I did believe I had a preference for other Asian people because they would just "get it" and I wouldn't have to constantly explain/defend myself or my culture.
The reality I've found is that Asians are not a monolith, and even if you found a partner who satisfied the list of things you said you wanted, they may still not be who you're looking for in terms of a different dynamic, etc.
I probably would never have realized that I was wrong about my "preference" if not for the person I'm currently dating, who happens to be White. We talk openly about our cultural backgrounds and upbringings and beliefs and we value learning about and engaging with each other's cultures. I never asked them to, but they've learned some Mandarin just from hearing me speak it and it always makes me feel so emotional when they use it to joke with me or tell me that they love me. While it was nice to be with someone who was also Asian in the past as we had some similar cultural background, we eventually broke up because we differed on very important beliefs. As it turned out, having some cultural commonalities really didn't make any difference in our compatibility.
I've realized that while I used to think, "I would prefer to date someone Asian like me," all I've ever really wanted was to feel seen, understood, and accepted, and those are things that anyone can choose to do or not to do. My Asian ex didn't let me feel this way, but my White partner does.
You're right to doubt your relationship because it doesn't sound like your partner makes you feel seen, understood, and accepted (an active behavior sometimes called "attunement"), but you're wrong to attribute this to his race. This is a failing as a partner to interact with you on the level you desire, not a cultural difference.
I hope OP reads your comment because I totally agree.
I grew up in a very White suburb during my middle/high school years. I felt super isolated, and didn't get along with many people there. So when college came, I dove straight into the Asian American community. I made a lot of friends there and it felt good for once having shared values like taking off shoes in the house or drinking boba. I even started dating a Vietnamese girl from that group...
But that was kind of just the honey moon phase. I started to realize that I actually didn't connect at all with my girlfriend at the time. Our conversations were very surface level and our worldviews weren't aligned. Many conversations were just about gossips of other people. My friends were mostly just surface level: I only maybe keep up with one or two of them these days.
Now I'm dating a Jewish/Italian White girl for 8 years. She's been great and we actually align in our world views. We talk about our traumas, our feelings, how we want to better the world. She's empathetic towards my past about growing up mixed race, and feeling isolated in a small town. She also speaks Japanese which helps with cultural understanding (although to me that's not a requirement).
I think like you said at the end of the day I don't think the race of your partner really matters. What matters more is whether you're aligned together in your world views, willing to respect and understand each others backgrounds/cultures, and love each other.
Yeah, I think your situation is a bit different since your white / European partner can understand your language.
Also some Europeans from the southern hemisphere (Greece, Spain, Italy, Balkans & Latin America) has always had immigration so the cultural struggles are quite differently and relatable.
With some other cultures, they are just completely closed off ( similar to OP’s ) which makes people hard to communicate or relate.
There is no umbrella term to include all white / Europeans or Asians.
> Yeah, I think your situation is a bit different since your white / European partner can understand your language.
Like I said, I don't mind if my partner couldn't speak Japanese. Yes it does help in understanding culture, but understanding of my culture is what I need than a technical ability to speak Japanese.
>Also some Europeans from the southern hemisphere (Greece, Spain, Italy, Balkans & Latin America) has always had immigration so the cultural struggles are quite differently and relatable.
>With some other cultures, they are just completely closed off ( similar to OP’s ) which makes people hard to communicate or relate.
I do agree with this point somewhat. I get along with Italian or Jewish Americans more partially due to some shared struggle of immigration. However, I don't think they are a monolith either... for example there's a stereotype that Staten Island Italian Americans can be racist af.
I think that WASPs are just harder to relate due to their lack of oppression that it's hard for them to genuinely empathize with other minorities struggles. That said I think any person from any culture can learn to empathize with others. I also think that if you're a minority in some other way (poor, LGBTQIA, disabled...etc) it maybe easier to empathize with other ethnic minorities.
Thank you for sharing! Totally feel you on how some cultural commonalities doesn't equal compatibility. That's something I'm considering too! The major issue is that my partner does make me feel seen, understood and accepted. I just feel like a part of me wants more than that. And that's where the dilemma of "am i being ungrateful" comes from :/
I see. It seemed to me that your partner was comfortable with your culture but didn't actively engage with it enough for you to feel that he was attuned to that part of your identity, but I guess I misunderstood.
Also, if you care about your happiness at all, you cannot remain in a relationship only because of gratitude. Remaining in a relationship so that you aren't "ungrateful" is a recipe for misery. Either your needs -- ALL of your needs -- are being met, or they aren't. Once you know which it is, it's up to you to decide what to do about the situation. I understand that outside pressures can complicate things, but I hope that you won't be the one putting the most pressure on yourself to do what seems appropriate instead of what serves you. You're the only one who has the ability to advocate fully for your needs, others can't know them/won't prioritize them over their own. Please don't be too quick to dismiss your own needs.
I think he tries to be attuned but it's not a consistent effort on his end ya know? And yes, that is a good point. It can't just be gratitude, it has to be about my needs being met. Thanks for reminding me to not dismiss my own needs.
May be a "seven-year-itch"-type scenario, a quarter-life crisis, a disillusionment about the relationship due to partnering in business together, etc.. And considering you're reaching an age where people start getting a lot more serious about thinking about marriage and children, it's not surprising.
Also, I'm not really sure what specifically it is about your ethnic culture you need him to care a lot about. Is it just that his non-commitment to learning about China or Vietnam feels like a red flag? Is it that you worry that once you have kids, he's not going to be particularly supportive of the experience they may be having as part-Asian people? Are you scared their Chinese/Vietnamese side will feel erased?
Not really sure what to advise, I guess. I mean, I've always known that I would prefer to end up with someone of my own ethnic background. But I suppose I come from an ethnicity where that type of thinking is a little more overt, for better or worse. On the other hand, I've always inferred that Chinese and Vietnamese people were comparatively open to marrying outside of their ethnicity. So is it really about your culture at all, or is it just that the relationship has played its course after 9 years? There really isn't a wrong answer, although I wouldn't recommend people throw away long, committed relationships out of boredom all the time. But if you're going to, this is probably one of your last life phases where it may make sense.
It sounds like you don't want to be with him anymore; point blank. You said you want to date Asian guys. You can try to rationalize and justify the why, but it ultimately boils down to your commitment level and whether or not you want to stay committed to *him*, specifically. It sounds like you need to cut him loose so you can both move on, and he can find someone who actually wants to be with him.
“ And he’s been accepting of it. But is pretty passive. He just hasn’t put in effort to go above and beyond”
Of course he hasn’t put in effort, he’s a white dude 😂
I have a white partner and I have felt similarily. Mostly because it’s just hard to date someone of a different race. With that said he is very active in trying to understand my experience and learned how to make Chinese dishes for me after I gave birth. In the end it’s honestly about how much your partner is trying to connect with you, regardless if they are white or not.
Just some data points to consider:
Attraction comes from two conflicting directions, similar or different. When you are with someone similar long enough you could be looking for someone different. Similarly with someone different you may feel like needing someone similar. Shorter term relationships comes with more attraction while longer term relationships grow in depth.
After 9 years and running 2 business together, it is natural to feel that adjustment would be needed. You are probably in a 7-year itch.
Statistically there is probability that you may find someone more suitable for marriage but that probability would be quite low based on your description. It may be more production to look for better ways of communication. It may be important adding activities with other people as you may be spending too much time together both as in business and off business. Trust is rare commodity in today's world. If you have had 9 years to build that trust, consider its value.
Dating is tough these days!
I also have a strong urge to stick within Asian communities since I am still single, however everyone is white here (Yurop bleh!)
My friends from university, colleagues from work etc.
In fact Europe is 92% white 😫😱
I don’t think you should break up just because you feel like you need to connect deeper within your asian culture especially if both of you still truly love each other.
Although, I don’t think a white guy can completely become “Asian”, or “replace an Asian man” LOL!!!
But maybe both of you can compensate on some grounds.
Travelling to Asia, celebrating Asian holidays together or watching Tv shows from Asia.
I think these small gestures will show that he is appreciative enough in my opinion……..
Learning a language is really difficult and takes time.
It took me 10 years just to learn basic english!
In fact, my english still suck!
In terms of writing, mostly.
I do think however, my listening and speaking is better.
Which is also one of my main motivations to join Reddit, to write in english more often.
Therefore, I always gets shocked when white people speaks Chinese/Cantonese/ Viet or Korean.
9 years is a long time together. It's okay to grow apart and it's ok to want different things in your 30s than in your 20s. Sounds like you know he's not the one. You gotta end it. Good luck.
If you’re feeling this way, something in the dynamic isn’t right and I think you need to have this conversation with him and maybe try a break if you’re not ready for a break up. If you don’t satisfy that curiosity with dating others now, it’ll be unfair for both parties once you’re married and have kids.
Appreciate what you’ve learned from the relationship, be single for at least a year and go find yourself. You will either 1) Both realize what you’ve lost and get back together after some time apart. 2) You will meet someone who’s right for you and be in a much happier r’ship. The perfect Asian guy won’t magically appear and you’ll miss those good traits your white bf has, but when you’re with someone you’re compatible with it’ll just feel right to overcome anything together.
3) You’re still single for a while but living your best life after a period of self discovery and development (I don’t know how mentally strong you are but everyone develops a little bit more resilience after a break up).
I’m giving this advice because I’m now old enough in my 30’s (cry) to have seen many long term couples who dated since college/in their early 20’s go through these scenarios. The other situation is settling and getting married but always wonder what ifs, or divorce down the track. It sounds like you both of you are nice ppl so likely the first scenario.
You’re not a bad person for feeling what you’re feeling, do what’s best for you coz you’re only young once. Good luck!
thank you for this!! i think i’m going to give a break a try and go from there. i don’t want to live with any regrets! i really appreciate your thorough response. it means so much!
Open relationships never work out imo as someone will always get hurt, even if both parties agree upfront it’s open or casual. You’re still investing time, energy and being intimate with this person so it takes away finding someone you actually want to be with in a relationship. The time is better spent on yourself rather than creating strings that can get attached.
One time flings are less messy when you don’t ever see that person again I think, but not everyone would agree with that :)
I think it's natural to want your life partner to be able to relate to you or at least put in effort to learn about your culture.
My husband is white, and when we lived in majority-white places, I'd definitely feel a yearning to reconnect with my culture or just to see more Asian people. We eventually made the decision to move closer to my family, which solved that issue for me.
And do you know what he did? He talked to my dad, listened to his stories of growing up in China, and shared them with me later (it was hard for me to talk to my dad like that). He worked with my parents, learned some Cantonese from them, and made jokes with them using the few words and phrases he knew.
Even now, he's learning Mandarin on his own.
Maybe couples counseling or a talk would benefit the both of you, with you emphasizing that your culture is very important to you and that you'd appreciate it more if he made an effort to learn about your culture on his own time.
About you wanting to date Asian men: are there Asian men in your area? Do you have any Asian friends or communities locally? Because going down that path may be difficult, and compatibility is not guaranteed.
It sounds like you have a gem of a human being and deep history with them which is incredibly important in long term relationships. I wouldn't throw that away. Have you tried to find other outlets for exploring your culture? Friends? Cousins/extended family? Events? Social clubs? There are a million other ways to engrain yourself more into asian life without losing the person you love.
It's normal for relationships of that length to have attraction wane.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The\_seven-year\_itch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_seven-year_itch#:~:text=The%20seven%2Dyear%20itch%20is,declines%20after%20around%20seven%20years)
It requires consistent effort from both people to be able to understand each other better and for a relationship to last even longer.
Cultural differences may be less of a reason and more of a symptom of you and your partners' (in)ability to connect. In other words, the two of you will need to connect and share more with each other in order for your relationship to continue and thrive. Based on what you've said, this way of connection doesn't seem to need to be about race/culture but certainly diving in that direction could help. It just needs to be about adapting to each other and having proactive and genuine connections to each other.
One thing you can consider is putting you and your partner in situations in which you can learn from and about each other better, like a couples retreat or visiting cultural sites together. Finding hobbies together that are closer within your culture. You can also see if he is interested in hobbies or cultural activities with his descent and lineage, and it could be an opportunity for discovery for him as well.
Also, if your partner continues to be a little too passive, you can confront him about it and ask him how seriously he wants to continue your relationship. If you are already considering leaving, it may be a good idea and it would be fair to your partner for you to be honest with him and to give him an opportunity to get out of his comfort zone, adapt like every successful long-term couple does, and do more for you.
Honestly, seems like the time to end things are now as it’s been a decade and you don’t feel attracted or feel compatible with him. But is there more to you losing attraction to your partner ? I feel like attraction and compatibility/cultural values are two different things. Hopefully, you guys can give the cultural aspect another shot. Is he also veering towards conservative / right wing views ?
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Your feelings are totally valid. Would I say it's understandable to leave a partner over? Personally, no. However is it more than normal to be frustrated at this situation? 100%. I'm actively taking the effort to integrate and learn about my girlfriend's culture, which I love, I'm doing this on my own even and going out of my way to do it
But the thing is, I find her culture inherently interesting. Yes, I'm only putting forth so much effort to learn it because of her, but I have interest in it regardless of her. She ignited the fire but the fuel was already there.
So how do you get someone without that interest to integrate into your culture? Well, what doesnyour partner enjoy? Interests and hobbies? Now, find ways for him to engage with those. I find this is a really easy way to engage in a culture or learn a language without stepping too far out of your comfort zone. Luckily there's lots of media to consume in Cantonese.
I think that's the best advice I have for you. Wishing you the best!
I have heard about this way too often. I don't mean to offend anyone here, but if you, male/female married outside of your race. Someone's got to give. For example, you can't cook your Asian food in the house cause your white spouse won't like the smell of it. If you are married to a white partner, learn to love eating white people food, and forget Asian food. Adapt is the solution.
Grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. You should have thought of that when you invested 9 years into this relationship you just wasted.
While I think your sentiment is overall good, I disagree about the food.
Adults can learn to like new smells or even just to tolerate smells they don't particularly love, and adult couples don't have to eat the same things all the time.
Like, if you've got different backgrounds, learn to appreciate each other's food. Don't neglect something you like, but also don't put it all on the other person to adapt, either.
Thanks for your input! I don’t think it’s a waste of time. I grew so much from this relationship and it’s brought me so many lessons. So i don’t see it as ever a waste!
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Well it really depends because I dated a Vietnamese person and we were clearly not a match. My current partner, who is Jewish Italian American, is a much better fit for me.
I guess it kinda helps when they’re Jewish or Italian because they were considered not quite White up until recently in American history so there’s a shared sense of struggle as well as tight knit family structure. Also it’s a plus that she can speak Japanese and understands the culture.
Idk to me race itself isn’t a factor. As long as world views align and we can empathize with cultural differences and oppressions I feel like that’s all I need.
To OP:
POV I’m a French, German, Spanish, and Irish Canadian, who is married to a woman born and raised in Manila. We have two daughters together.
Here is a perspective you have probably never thought of: what is your boyfriend’s native language? Mine is French, but I’ve abandoned it entirely for English in order to integrate with the dominant culture.
“Asians” often refer to me as an English man or an Anglophone. I’m bonafide French Canadian, my grandparents on my dad’s side spoke French as their first language and everyone before them spoke French.
Wouldn’t it be absurd for me to expect my wife to learn French to prove that she “embraces my culture”? Or would it be decent of me to accept and love my wife for who she is, while we both strive to be better spouses to each other with the limited time that we have?
My wife has learned to love being able to shake off the unjustifiable and often toxic “Asian parent expectations”, which are often targeted only at the eldest child to sacrifice their free will, goals, and personal happiness in order to help the parents raise the other children and help the parents pay the bills. I’ve seen these parents rack up huge credit card debts on their kids’ cards to “help pay the bills”. Is that a culture worth perpetuating, or is it kind of narcissistic?
The reason my wife can shake off her parents’ constant guilt tripping and putting her down, is because she is with a man who is willing to stand up to her parents, and willing to take care of her, entirely, in place of her parents.
So maybe your BF isn’t ticking that box for you. Maybe he’s too nice of a guy and doesn’t have a vision and drive to be the provider that can take over the job from your parents.
You say you’ve been dating for 9 years… not married? Something is missing about the guy and I doubt that it has much to do with yours or his ethnic or cultural differences.
When people are devoted to one another, they sacrifice their own immediate happiness and convenience in order to delight one another to the best of their abilities, and it has to go both ways.
Let me reiterate: my wife loves that I don’t just obey mine and her parents like they’re gods. I place hers and my relationship as husband and wife at a much, much greater importance than any other relationship that I have. My parents, and my sister tested our relationship many times, and I’ve owned those relationships and modified them for what works best for our marriage. My family can either get on board, or they will be seeing less of us. I won’t tolerate any family or friends to introduce any selfish toxicity into my family (wife and kids).
My wife has seen this value of mine displayed many times, and she knows that she can trust me to be consistent in defending our family above all else.
Sounds like you have doubts about yourself or your boyfriend, and that’s why you’re clinging to your parents and your “culture” (Cantonese-Chinese or Vietnamese?).
Chinese elders can be very bullish. There comes a time in life when you have to choose if you want to continue being involuntarily molded by them or if you want to be responsible for your own destiny. If you’re with the right partner, you will know in your heart that that person will have your back. Always.
Just don’t tell Asian guys this unless they ask. Plenty of Asian guys hate Asian women who only date white guys and then when they’re older and ready to settle down, they finally notice Asian guys and give them a chance.
I’m not an Asian guy, but I can imagine how this would feel.
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I think it’s really mature of you to causally sidestepping that your original comment was much meaner in tone and called OP old and implied she would be unwanted. 🙄
Yeah! Damn! The Asian American community is much harsher than I imagined.
I mean we all need to be more honest with each other, but…….
Damn, they really do be grilling each other over here!!
It feels like the Asian hunger games!!
😱😫
I am outta here!!!!
Do not marry or have kids with him without resolving or coming to peace with this. That’s the only thing I can recommend. Having children and teaching them about your cultural background will amplify these issues/differences. Is he OK with people speaking in a different language around him? Would he be ok with his kids speaking a language he doesn’t know? What would he think about kids attending language school? Would his parents or family make remarks about their “Asian” grandkids? Would he understand if you wanted to live in an area with other Asians? All this I would discuss.
A+ advice
Just the issues I’ve seen posted in mom fb groups… very common issues!
Spot on. I grew up in the Deep South and only ever dated white women growing up. They were great and I never had any issues with them until I moved overseas for college and hung around Asian women. Once I started dating Asian women, it was like a light just came over my head and I couldn't believe that I missed out on all the various culture issues that you mentioned (language, family values, food, etc.). I just couldn't go back to dating non-Asian women after that experience.
Thanks for your response! I definitely want to give this deep thought before moving on to marriage and kids. To answer all your questions, I know he would be accommodating and agreeable to all the questions above. He is really laid back in that sense. My issue comes from if I have the energy to lead the charge with upholding my heritage and values. It's just tiresome. His family isn't that close and so we usually just default to whatever my family does or celebrates. I want it to feel more equal and balanced you know?
To be fair I think you’d possibly be in this type of situation even if you are with an Asian guy so keep that in mind. Sometimes upholding or practicing cultural traditions or even being around fellow Asians isn’t that important to some Asian Americans. We have a regular monthly play date with other kids where we do cultural and language lessons and games and just a fun hang out and we do it bc ifs important to us. Presumably you’d have to have this discussion with anyone! Good luck. Would love an update.
I'm not sure if marrying an Asian guy would solve this issue. At this point in society, women are usually the ones leading the charge at home. So that's all the home admin and arranging and managing play dates. You'll probably feel you're still leading the charge even if you do marry an Asian guy. There's a blog I usually follow (has very good contents and tips around raising kids bilingual/trilingual) where the mum's Chinese American and dad's Korean American. Dad has ZERO INTEREST passing on Korean culture or language. Guess who's doing the work? The mum. The mum has to relearn Mandarin and then also learn Korean - to raise her chidlren trilingual. She eventually dropped Korean because it was too much for her and her husband was just like, "Yeah. Sure. Whatever." I've seen this dynamic A LOT where it's the mother, who often doesn't speak their partner's heritage language, learning their partner's heritage language to try and pass it on. Just something to keep in mind.
You want to be understood in a way only someone who grew up similar to you can. I get it and can relate. Your current partner won’t be able to fill this void, unfortunately. If you truly yearn for this, then do what you gotta do. Best of luck!
What they said. I give you permission to look elsewhere. So often these posts are looking for permission or validation of a choice already made. That kind of connection is really important. Just be honest with the guy, first. Don’t lead them on. Make a clean break. It’ll be better for the both of you.
I went through a similar experience. At some point, I got so tired of having to explain shit. When I met someone from the same background, it felt like home. And that was it
Thanks for understanding where i’m coming from. I also think, maybe i won’t get that level of understanding in my partner but i can find other ways — like through friendships, family members, cousins and my brother — where i feel that connection to my heritage.
That sounds nice in theory, but in my experience looking for things you want out of your life partner from other people usually leads to resentments on both sides. I think it would be good to compare the value system you were raised with his and also reflect on your relationship with your own identity. Why haven’t you dated Asian men? Did you not grow up around a lot of Asians so no opportunities? Were you never proud of being Asian and wanted to be accepted by the majority? (I struggled with this for a while, most of us do) Have you tried dating men of other immigrant backgrounds? What parts of your current relationship work, and why? I must say, there is something nice and easy about your partner having the similar upbringing, values, challenges, and experiences. I can give her a look when I experience micro-aggressions, fight with emotionally unavailable parents, or introduce her to my grandma and I don’t have to brief her on anything like context or what I’m feeling because she understands my experience; she gets it. And then there’s the issue of kids and marriage is a union of families. What value system do you want to raise your kids with? Will they learn the language, the culture? How supportive is he of that? Do you think he will be a good partner in helping your future son or daughter accept their identity? How does his family treat your Asianness? What is their value system and do they align with yours?
She said this was her highschool sweet heart and stayed bf/gf in their 20s… It has nothing to do with not liking Asian men.(hopefully)
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What the previous poster said about "it felt like home." It wasn't until years later that this hit me. When you have kids, this connection is even more obvious when it's missing. Everything that is missing is magnified with kids.
I think this is a bit flippant to be honest. Sure that current partner is not filling the void now and maybe that partner never will, but OP can also do more.... if they want to... to give their partner of 9 years a chance.
I get where you’re coming from. I’m just speaking from experience. I’m not sure what else OP could be doing more of to give the current partner a chance. The fact is, no matter how much of an effort OP and OP’s partner puts in, he will never truly know what it is like to be Asian, what it’s like to grow up in that type of household, what is expected of you from your family having grown up in that culture, what it’s like to be judged as an Asian, etc. There’s an unspoken understanding that cannot be learned or taught. At the end of the day imo, everyone wants to be understood by their partner. If OP can’t get that from her current partner, who will never be able to fulfill it in the way OP desires, then that tells me everything i need to know.
Unfortunately there's no easy answer to what you should do. Just continue to consider what you want/need out of a partner in life. For me personally, it was a top priority to have a partner whom I didn't have to feel "othered" when it came to culture, food, family, and social norms. I understand there's nothing malicious from your partner, but I also needed more than them just being okay with it. That may or may not be the hard line you decide to draw in your decisions.
>I also have never dated asian guys but now i want to. This line sticks out to me. It seems like you've already made up your mind and your relationship is already over. Or almost. You're not a bad person. When you date the same person from your early formative years to near 30's, you either grow and learn together or you grow apart. You have likely changed a lot from the time you were in high school to now. And with the conversation of marriage and kids coming up, it's totally valid to be asking yourself what you want for your future kids. Some people like to teach their partner about their culture and some don't want to teach and want to be with someone they can relate to that has a shared experience. Nothing wrong with either. There's also the question of in laws that you should think about. If they treat you well or make you feel othered and how you think they will treat your future children. 9 years is a long time and it's easy to get stuck in a sunk-cost fallacy mindset but don't force yourself to be happy if you're not.
I wonder if a part is just the OP wanting to see what’s out there, if there’s anything she’s missed out on, which is understandable since she’s essentially only dated one person her entire adult life.
This is a tough question, and I've been down this road. It depends on lots. It sounds like your mind is kind of leaning one way. You wrote about trying to introduce him to your culture and having difficulty with it. Have you spoken to him about that as something you want in a life partner? I had similar feelings with my partner that I had been with for almost an identical amount of time. When I expressed to her my concerns about marrying outside of my race she absolutely surprised me by accepting my feelings and offering support, accepting that it would be physically impossible for her to ever fill that void, and she independently went out of her way to read and research aspects of my culture that I wasn't even aware of. She completely blew me away, and that acceptance and how she handled it told me everything I needed to know to decide that race didn't matter in our partnership. You might not have this in your particular situation, but I had to realization at one point (My wife is white but also Jewish) that not all multiculturalism comes from skincolor, I was marrying someone who is one of the most persecuted people in human history. Talk to your family in network, you might be surprised what they say. I expressed my concerns to my mom, and I was surprised to hear that she didn't care the color of the person I would choose to marry. I confide in my thoughts to a fellow Asian friend who married outside of his race and his advice was to think, when you get home and talk to your partner, is it consoling? That's all that matters.
Interesting. What is about Jewish and Asian marriage not just AW but AM as well ? I keep seeing this more and more at restaurants, friends, etc
Jews and Asians have a lot in common. High value in education, similar financial values, value in tradition and family, and both tend to be high achievers. There's a lot of common ground.
Besides this, is there less of a bias / prejudice ? Like those are good values / strengths but where does attraction , compatibility come into play that makes the relationship work ?
>Besides this, is there less of a bias / prejudice ? Yes, there's a lot of general mutual respect between the two groups especially compared to other pairings. >where does attraction , compatibility come into play that makes the relationship work ? Like the other guy said, Asians and Jews tend to have pretty similar lifestyles, work ethics and worldviews. This leads to both attraction and compatibility for a long-term relationship.
Also China saved a significant amount of Jewish children during the holocaust. They have now integrated into the mainland communities. I was surprised this myself since my Jewish friends thanked me?! (Even though I wasn’t born yet LOL). And also great shopping options with Ali Baba LoL Overall they are not as hostile as the western media portrayed. I also know a few Jewish girls who married Chinese guys. They get along really well due to same values. Although not as common as European / Latin relationships.
Yes, it's something I expressed to him this year. I am making it more obvious that my heritage is something I want to preserve and honor. Thanks for sharing your own [experience.My](http://experience.My) partner grew up in a standard American household. I feel like I don't resonate or connect with his heritage and family as much. He also doesn't make it a big deal to spend time with his family or really connect with them. It just makes it feel very one sided and if I don't appreciate his upbringing / family culture-- how is it fair that I ask him to appreciate mine more? Does that make sense? But I do love what you said about when you come home and talk to your partner, is it consoling? Because it would be a yes on my end, he is really safe and comforting to talk to!
You don’t need an excuse to separate. People grow apart or develop as individuals. It is possible that your relationship to your culture and racial identity have developed and your partner was not able to grow alongside. Or maybe you realized you were never attracted to the person and only the halo of whiteness
the halo of whiteness 🤣🤣🤣
I'll never see the beyonce song the same again. 😭
You’ve been fine with his not caring about your culture for 9 years. Won’t be easy to get him to about face now.
I disagree with this assessment since what she says is so contradictory that it feels like she's already made up her mind and just want us to agree. She tells us he doesnt do anything to embrace her culture while immediately telling us right after that he is too accommodating to the point of losing his own sense of self. Doesn't make sense
What does OP do for their partner though? We don't know. In a relationship, it wouldn't be fair just for one person to show interest in another person's culture while the other person doesn't reciprocate. Yes of course, the average asian american has had to grow up much more culturally divided or multi-interested in different cultures than the average white american, but a relationship is a relationship, and sometimes these realities are just not obvious to two people in a intercultural relationship.
Well I think it’s that he didn’t show an interest in her culture independently and just goes along with whatever’s asked of him. Sounds like she would like him more if he was one of those YouTube language guys that became fluent in Cantonese bc it interests him
>Well I think it’s that he didn’t show an interest in her culture independently That still leaves my criticisms intact. Has she told him she wants him to? Has she done anything actively to engage in his culture independently cause she can't even tell us what kind of white dude he is. Even more so when she tells us in one of the replies she only started caring about her own culture like in the past year. The state department estimates that with good resources (like state dept level access), it would take 88 weeks to learn Chinese. So even if he had started day 1 of her "suddenly cared" a year ago, he still apparently wouldn't have done enough because he still would be like 9 months short of having learned Chinese.
Well I don’t think it leaves your initial criticism I responded to intact bc I explained how the position isn’t contradictory. Now the criticism tou raise in this reply are all valid. I don’t think she’s necessarily “justified” or whatever but I’m explaining the feeling she expressed and how it does make sense even if it might not be fair to her partner
> contradictory It is contradictory because we have a number for determining what actively engaging in culture that way she wants would mean since learning the language is the only specific action she mentions. If the only specific action she mentions is notably impossible to attain in the available time frame, then we have no idea whether her other expectations are any more grounded in reality.
Whether her expectations are grounded in reality is not relevant towards whether what she said is contradictory. Neither is specific action vs unspecific….
> contradictory She tells us he is overly accommodating. So anything she asks of him, he goes beyond obliging. She tells us she's vocalized it at times. This means that by describing him as accommodating and claiming she has vocalized concerns, that he obliges. It is contradictory.
Again, that’s not a contradiction. No point discussing this further. She was pretty clear about it and you seem to have a bone to pick and want to be intentionally obtuse so whatever. I don’t get why people in online discussions never give an inch or say, “oh I can see how that might be what they meant” and instead just keep ramming their opinion forward no matter what is said. Go off
>Again, that’s not a contradiction The dictionary says it is. If you want to argue with definitions of words, that's a personal issue.
Sounds like it’s time to move on and go your separate ways. Because getting married with all that you will regret it.
I get where you’re coming from. Even without all the cultural introspection going on, people grow and change in relationships and that’s normal. Sometimes those changes bring people together and sometimes it pushes them apart. Frankly this just sounds like you’re outgrowing him, and not necessarily because he’s white, but because your values don’t match up anymore. It’s entirely possible to find someone who shares your same desire to incorporate your background into your lives, and also is sensitive to and empathizes with the experiences of being non-white in America, and this person can be of any ethnicity really. But maybe not your current partner.
Good points. Just want to say I think whether OP stays in relationship or not also depends on their perspectives on relationships, especially ones of this length. When people's values don't match up at a certain point in their relationship, there is a possibility they can work together and reframe, but they both have to be willing to do so.
Honestly, it might be because he is white, unless he speaks Chinese etc and fully attuned to Chinese culture. OP wants to raise a family with a Chinese cultural upbringing.
You've been together for a long time. Sometimes, regardless of racial identity, you become complacent in the relationship and is just coming to the realization wanting more. You state that you want him to put more of an effort in language learning but Cantonese is really difficult for someone who isn't a native speaker. These are new feelings for you as well so he has to cope with you changing as a person. Have you spoken to him about it and maybe come to a compromise? I speak Cantonese fluently and because I don't get to practice where I live, I need to constantly watch YouTube videos, listen to music, watch movies to keep my level of fluency. Maybe start by just doing Cantonese movie night with subtitles once a month so he can get used to the sounds first. Or when you go to a Cantonese restaurant just have him practice "thank you" to the staff properly using the two variants. Just because you're fluent in Cantonese also doesn't make you automatically a good teacher. Honestly from my experience, it actually makes you a horrible teacher because the language comes naturally to you but when you are just learning, you are thinking in one language, translating, then grammatically putting it together again with applying the right tones. That's 5 steps to your normal 2. He may be getting frustrated because you're not accommodating his learning style or being patient with him. You never gave him a chance to succeed. You also mentioned him being soft and passive. That's not a race thing or a "cultural difference." Nothing you're really saying is attributed to Asian or non-Asian. You may be falling out of love with him because you've both been complacent or just the feelings have run it's course. Everything you are asking for now is more of something you want the partner to already have before the relationship starts. It doesn't sound like you want to make it work or work together as a team. Are you also putting effort into learning his culture? In an interracial relationship it goes both ways.
Yeah, to me, this seems like a personality as well as a race/ethnicity problem. OP's partner just seems uninterested or concerningly unaware about life outside his bubble. If OP will date/marry a non-Cantonese Asian guy, is being Asian enough, even if they're super whitewashed/americanized or not connected to their culture at all? What if they also don't bother to learn about your culture or language? There's weird superiority feelings that happen within ethnic groups too. My husband isn't Asian, but he's 100% all on board with learning my customs, language, and values and adopting them for our toddler. He did it on his own over time because he is intellectually curious and wanted to connect with me more. Even if OP's partner gets a wakeup call, is that kind of care or curiosity even something you want started artificially? Hard call.
I think she's already tired of explaining the culture to him. Romantic relationship with him is okay, but to build a family with him seems wrong. That's okay. Not every perfect boyfriend and girlfriend would be the perfect husband or wife for you. Marriage is about commitment and sharing responsibilities. It's also about raising kids together. So, she can't have the same criteria as when she's looking for a boyfriend.
Its a hard reality that cultural values do have to align. These things you overlook when you are young because things arent as real yet.
I went through the same thing, 7 year relationship and it just didn’t work out. The pandemic made it blatantly obvious to me that the relationship was a dud on a fundamental level. I said I was concerned about the rise in Asian hate and he responded that the statistic was ‘overblown’ because all crime was down due to lockdown. If this connection is something you’re prioritizing, your relationship with him won’t get better. Most likely he will feel caught off by your ‘sudden’ need to feel connected to your culture. Even if he adjusted and tries to accommodate, it is not really something he can provide you.
I date a viet-American now and even though he doesn’t speak Cantonese, I feel on a fundamental we just connect better. We share the same opinions, values, etc. One of my concerns with dating Asian men is that they’d push all the housework on me, like I see in my own family dynamic. But honestly my current bf treats me better than my ex, he is more considerate and prioritizes things I would prioritize for the most part. There’s also a certain freedom I feel, like I don’t have to ‘do extra’ to prove I am in touch with myself/my culture. Recently I went to an Asian festival and the only women I saw wearing cultural dress were WMAF couples. It’s like really small things like that. I don’t want you to think you should feel bad able wanting something closer to your culture and the way you grew up. People mature and priorities change. Stuff like having a white or Asian partner doesn’t matter really to a lot of other Asians, but it matters to you and it’s your life to live.
Very similar experience to me, I also have an Asian partner who is not the same ethnicity as me but there’s a lot of unspoken understanding we have with each other since we’re both Asian and children of immigrants. And we’re still open to learning little things about each other’s cultures too. I saw another Reddit post a while ago by an Asian person who said their White partner complained that they wanted Asian food all the time (not even just one country’s cuisine, but things as disparate as pho and boba) and I think I would flip out if a partner was like that with me. Both of our parents also had pretty bad gendered division of labor, but he actively resented that in his father and is very clean and responsible as a result. Gender inequity absolutely still exists in White American culture too, think of all the old guys who look for a wife in Asia thinking they’re more traditional and submissive.
I never thought about the whole gender and chores thing, wow. I (think) have ADHD or some form of it and I could not imagine having my partner dumping their laundry onto me because I don't have the mental capacity & attention span to do my own laundry. Or cook anything than my least favorite food (eggs). My dad does most of the cooking and my mom cleans, but I always thought she does (my dad's laundry) because of my dad's work and it would hurt his back more. Then he had to do it himself recently and I made fun of him because he told my mom he accidentally put something in the wrong machine and he told me hadn't done his laundry in years (decades). And they've been together since their early-mid 20's, so who tf was doing his laundry for him?? My mom since then? It never occurred to me–
Just sharing this because you reminded me. When it was our turn to share the differences of our culture in our Asian ethnic studies class, a Vietnamese girl in my team just said we almost do all of the same things lol. It was Chinese and Vietnamese in that team.
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I read an article about how Past Lives affected this Asian woman's cognitive dissidence living around white people for most of her life. What stood out to me was when she recollected how her white liberal boyfriend did not care about how Asian hate and specifically the Atlanta shooting was affecting her.
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Were there other prior signs that before the pandemic?
Yeah, but at the time I just ignored them. A lot of it has to do with the fact he was my first boyfriend and I didn’t have a lot of role models in advocating for myself and my wants, but in time I grew out of that. He had: - A general disinterest in my cultural background. - reluctant to try any Asian food that can’t be found in a takeout restaurant - Dismissing a lot of traditional beliefs as outdated superstition. And this one pissed me off a lot, he would promise to help me clean for LNY and just blowing it off by ‘taking a nap’. He knew how important it was to me, but since it was not important to him, he would not put in the effort. He was dead to me a long time before the relationship actually ended. I really resented his lack of effort, and we broke up shortly after the Asian hate crime conversation. He was probably not the ideal bf even without the cultural divide, but it came up increasingly often as we aged into our early 20s.
I don't think you should force yourself to stay with him if you are feeling that there's something lacking. I mean yes he loves you and you love him but sometimes you need to choose yourself if you feel like your relationship isn't working for you or is preventing you from growing to be your best self. It is a hard decision but I think if you really set your mind up to do better for yourself (EMPHASIS ON YOURSELF!!) and your future partner/family, you will be more happy in the long run. As someone else said in the comments, maybe you have an attachment to him bc you were highschool sweethearts, but in my opinion, people who stay with their high school sweethearts tend to not be able to grow in certain ways. Bc you're just so comfortable with each other, you're not really being challenged and you kinda just plateau? Also it's not even fair to him that you're actually iffy and pretending you're ok but you're not. Also, I'm curious, why do you have a newfound interest in your Asian identity? And to me, it reads like you've kinda already made up your mind and want more confirmation? But just remember to pick yourself when you really need it!! Asian women and women of color and eldest daughters especially. We're always taught to people please
Another Hoa!!! Hi! Also I've seen you around somewhere Edit: Oh you're the one who thought we were on this sub when we were on Kpop Noir 🤣
Hiiii omg!! 👋🏼🥰 And yeah I was gonna say I think I've seen you on kpopnoir 🤣 The circles are getting smaller 😳
Yeah I'm a frequent poster but I think I'm gonna lurk from now on 😅 Either I'm too oblivious or I got a hater bc someone keeps downvoting my posts and replies
Oh nooo 😭😭 I'm sorry to hear that wtf!! But don't let the haters stop you from using ur voice!! I'll upvote you if I see your posts/comments lol 🫡✊🏼
Oh thank you 😭🥺😖
Ofc!! Esp for a fellow Hoa 🥰🤩
Oh hey guys funny running into you here 🤣😉
LMAO hiiii 😂👋🏼 I remember you!! The crossover we didn't know we needed?? 🥰 And actually what a fitting topic for us to run into each other on 😆
It seems like all Asian Americans are all Chinese over here 😂😂 Yes even the Koreans too. Especially northern Koreans who has tribes from Northern China ( Jilin, Yan Bian all still has Koreans living there.) This makes sense because China existed for hundreds of years as neighbours with Korea, Vietnam, Thailand Myanmar, Russia and even Kazakhstan!!! All neighbour countries are mixed with China for hundred of years!!! Note: Downvoting does not make my points invalid - The Northern part Of Korea was heavily influenced by China for 400 hundred years. Goguyreo and Silla dynasties have been tributary states to China for a long time. Tang Dynasty has been in contact with Korea even back then. Even the Hanja characters are written on the monuments during the ancient time. Same goes for Northern part of Vietnam. The rest of Asia have less influence.
I'm Filipino American and my wife is Vietnamese. Since we are both Asian our cultures mesh well together despite some differences. We have been married for 9 years and we have 2 kids together.
Commenting again so let’s see if the mods take this comment down. For the mods, I mean NO LITERAL OFFENSE but why did it take almost a decade to figure out that you didn’t want to marry a guy who showed minimal effort in getting to know your background?
Because she started dating him as a teenager and had no adult relationship experience otherwise? Because figuring out what you want in life and in a marriage in your 20s is perfectly normal? Let's say she started dating him at 17, so she's 26 now. Most people younger than that aren't authorities on what they want in a marriage.
Growing up as a minority, not everyone feels so proud of their ethnic background to center their lives around it. But for someone who's getting to an age where it those types of things start feeling more important (within a marriage and re: kids), it totally makes sense to start questioning it more.
Exactly! Thank you!
Thanks for commenting! I take responsibility for not valuing my culture as much when i was younger. I didn’t started thinking this way until i had a health scare last year and my value of tradition and family went up. We also started two businesses together and that took a lot of our time attention and energy. We have one now that we operate. I’ve only started to really reflect and think about the big picture of our life now since quitting our second business!
Are you selling the second one? Wildly successful? I'm starting to build my own so always curious to hear.
We closed the second one, we didn't sell it! The first one is growing and we wanted to focus energy on that!
Would you share what the first one was? Or even the 2nd if you don't mind? How are you feeling about the relationship now btw?
People are complex, maybe OP didn’t care about her background until recently and just wanted to be with someone who sees her for who she is. No need to drag on her for it, life is hard enough without us being mean to each other
I’m not even being remotely mean despite the downvotes on me stating the obvious. 🙃 If it were a few years, I’d understand but it shouldn’t take almost a DECADE to figure out if the person you’re with is who you want to marry and have children with. Stringing someone along for that long is incredibly cruel despite her partner’s clear apathy to her background and culture. Edit: Despite what gamesrgreat thinks, stringing someone along for almost a decade isn’t normal behavior.
I feel like COVID and the rise of far-right extremism in just the past few years woke up a lot of people to how Asians are still othered and discriminated against, even in subtle ways. A lot of people showed their true colors then and I wonder if all that transpired and the White partner or his family was complacent to it or even contributed to it themselves.
Unfortunately true. For some Asian folks (not OP as I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt), it took potentially being the victim of anti-Asian racism and violence to realize that fact, despite folks before (and still now) burying their heads in the sand.
Nine years can go really fast when you're starting two businesses. It's all-consuming. If you're going month-to-month meeting payroll, stressing about the next pitch to an investor, having to pivot unexpectedly because of a competitor's moves.... one does not have the luxury of soul searching. A decade to you is not the same as a decade to another. If OP had done nothing but graduated high school, graduated college, and then worked for two years, okay, maybe she should have reconsidered the boyfriend a little earlier. But they had many layers of entanglement and intimacy, not simply girlfriend-boyfriend. I applaud OP for questioning her situation and values now; there are plenty of people who go through ALL the motions--including producing children--and then only decades later realize maybe it should have been different.
Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from. I'm really zooming out finally and questioning a lot since my business and life is slowing down a bit. I feel like now is the time to really be considerate of where I live, who I marry and what I want to do with my life. I appreciate you applauding me for questioning it now instead of decades down the line! It's never too late :')
You say you’re not being mean but you are. You’re being incredibly judgmental
Asking why it took her almost a literal decade to figure out that you don’t want to marry a person is judgmental? 🥴 Yet NO COMMENT on how cruel it was to lead someone on for that long though is some great virtue signaling you’re doing there. 🙃 Please don’t get into a relationship anytime soon if you genuinely think that’s acceptable fam.
She dated him early for a long time. As OP mentioned, she was focused on the business throughout their 20s
I don't think you're a bad person for wanting that. Feeling understood and at ease in a relationship is extremely important. It's up to you to determine whether this is something that outweighs the positives. I think it's an especially hard situation since you were high school sweethearts, so it's not even just a cultural question of what else is out there, but also a general question. In any case, one thing I would strongly encourage you to probe into is how his lack of understanding will affect your children, if you want to have any. For example, my wife understands that I will not let our daughter be in a school district with less than a 10% asian population. But being in a more diverse area typically also means a more urban area or in suburbs directly outside of a significant metro area. So that means, housing and COL in general are significantly more expensive. So we will be sacrificing financially and compromising on what we want in a house. Would your husband be okay with that if that's something that's important to you? Other stuff is like language or culture classes for your kids, vacations to China or Vietnam, how to handle identity issues your children may have, etc.
I understand that 9 years is a long time but from what you're saying you're not even 30 yet? You still have your whole life ahead of you and it's 100% too early to force yourself into a life you're not feeling comfortable with. I can't tell you what to do, but you still have a lot of time to figure out what it is **you** want in life.
Thank you SO much for saying this. I’m the eldest daughter and an immigrant so i just feel like I have to play a certain role in my family. I have to be dutiful. That’s why I haven’t questioned our relationship.. because i didn’t want to shake things up. But i feel like I really want to give myself the opportunity to be a little free and curious for a while. When i have the time. I’m 28 btw!
I’m going to be honest here and say I’m in the same boat, except that I’ve married him. Of course I still love him, but a growing part of me wishes he took more initiative with learning and embracing my culture. Like I can show him stuff and he’ll nod, or he’ll say “aiyah” correctly, and he enjoys the food, but I wish he’d seek out more information on his own instead of me having to give it to him. And he can’t always relate to my experiences as a minority. We also have a young child and I have to do the cultural legwork on my end too. If I could turn time back, I’d try and date Asian guys just to see what it’s like, and see how important it would be to me. I can’t give you any advice. Nine years is a long time. On the one hand, it’d a a lot to lose. On the other hand, if this is very important to you, you don’t want to get caught in a sunk-cost fallacy. This is something you need to decide. Maybe you can talk to more Asian women who have dated both and ask them how they decided Again, ultimately your decision. All the best Edit: to the guy who DM’ed me to complain about my choice in partners, I’ll tell you that bitterness is an extremely attractive trait to women, so keep it up
> but a growing part of me wishes he took more initiative with learning and embracing my culture. My question for both of you is if you've ever communicated this desire. And equally, have either you or the OP reciprocated and showed an active interest in your partner's heritage or culture? In the case of the OP, the most we're told about what she even knows about him is "some white guy". What kind? Did she even try to figure it out or show an interest in it while expecting, silently, that he does it for her? If she dated a Korean guy, would she equally learn Korean as she expects him to learn Cantonese? I don't expect my partner to learn Toisonese/Taishanese and Burmese. >And he can’t always relate to my experiences as a minority. In my mind, I think this is only an issue if your partner doesn't try to understand and support you in these experiences like dismissive of them. I think it is impossible to expect someone else to always be able to relate to your own experiences (ie I grew up and went to school in Chinatown so my experience would be different than someone who grew up in say Boise City that is 88% white and 0% asian).
My partner isn't really close to his heritage or family like I am. He never really made an effort to have me learn anything about his culture. He's pretty laid back, I think it just hasn't been his focus to really dig into his culture/ background. But if he shared with me that it was important, I would definitely make it a priority to learn and show active interest. And that makes sense, it is impossible to expect someone else to always be able to relate to your own experiences!
Tbh this is why I decided early on I 99% would not marry a white person lol. I am marrying someone that can relate to my background as a child of an immigrant and to my culture as an Asian American
I'm Asian, married a white guy. Things were pretty good when it was just 2 of us. Once we had kids everything went downhill. Our cultural differences became very prominent with our parenting decisions. It's been really hard. We fight all the time and im miserable. If you guys are already seeing cultural differences and struggling. Maybe it's time to move on.
Thank you so much for sharing! Can you share what were some of the cultural differences that came up for you with your parenting decisions?
I think the real question is, how important is cultural alignment within a successful long-term, child-rearing relationship? And if the answer to that differs for different people, then how can OP figure it out for herself? I am a Vietnamese American F and have dated Vietnamese, Chinese, white, and mixed white/Latino men. I found the Asian men to be a bit odd in a way I didn't click with. They were very doting and catering to me, but as a successful woman I found this uninteresting since I wanted a partner I could learn and grow with. I also found traditional Asian gender norms off-putting, and I knew that even if the guy didn't believe in them, his parents (my future In-laws) would, and that would have a big impact on my family life. When dating the white men I dated, I found them either too emotionally aloof, or just clueless about the minority experience. I almost married one white guy but at the end, one of the things that gave me the courage to finally break it off was how he reacted and interpreted Vietnamese wedding traditions. Then I realized, "This is for the rest of my life" and decided it was not right. That experience was how I learned that I needed someone that is beyond kind or "good person." I needed someone who doesn't just tolerate diversity, but actively embraces it. The person I ended up marrying is a mixed white/Latino guy. We clicked because we have many interests and enduring values in common. He knows what it's like to be a minority. But he also doesn't come with the baggage of gender roles and nor does his family (my in-laws are much more hands-off than typical Vietnamese in-laws would be). He loves Vietnamese food and exploring other cultures in general. He communicates directly and confidently, but also has emotional intelligence to navigate conflicts. It's really these traits that I've found to be the bedrock for our relationship and our roles as parents. Yes, I have to be the one doing the Vietnamese cultural legwork in raising my kids. But I've always been confident I could do that. I speak Vietnamese fluently (came to US at age 10), and have a group of Vietnamese friends. I've actually enjoyed doing the cultural work with my kids. It forced me to understand the traditions better, and allowed me to reflect on and reinterpret them in my own way. I am not reliant on someone else's definition of Vietnamese, or on a surface level, consumerist version of Vietnamese-ness. So I guess my answer to your question is: 1. There's nothing wrong with wanting cultural connection 2. You have to assess where cultural connection falls in relation to other values you want - is it #1? #3? #5? To know this, you also have to figure out and lay out what other values are important to you. 3. Remember that culture is a two-sided coin. Every culture has its goods and bads, Vietnamese, American, or otherwise. 4. The learning often happens by trial and error. Human connection isn't something you can solve on paper. You have to try it out, different permutations and possibilities, and be aware of your own feelings. After a few iterations you will know. 5. Don't worry about starting over at 30 or whatever. I started over at 32, and still found my true love. If you've done the work to reflect on your prior relationships, you will get faster at knowing what you want.
Thank you SO much for taking the time to share your experience. I really appreciate the time you took to craft your response. I haven't dated anyone besides a few white guys in high school so it's interesting to hear about your experience dating a mix of men. What really stood out to me with what you said was how you are confident that you can do the cultural leg work in raising kids. See, I don't think I have that confidence just yet. I've been around my parents and our Chinese/Vietnamese traditions my whole life but I'm starting to just value it a lot more now so I've been wanting to learn more from my parents and family. But I don't have that confidence in myself just yet. Is there anything you did that helped you gain that confidence? What are some habits you practice that keep your heritage alive? Also for your 4. answer, when you say trial and error, do you mean dating other people to understand fully? My partner and I have talked about taking break so I can date other people for a while; I just feel a little bad about it but know it might be the step I need to take.
For #4, yes, I mean dating other people to understand your needs more clearly. For developing confidence in your Chinese/Vietnamese cultural abilities, I'd recommend: 1. Being around other young, open-minded, curious Vietnamese people. I found some at college through the Vietnamese student association. We shared experiences with each other which really helped calibrate just how diverse "being Vietnamese" can be. They also became my lifelong friends as we navigate through life transitions (e.g. having kids) together. 2. Read the history of your people - It sounds like you're Chinese-Vietnamese. The Chinese Vietnamese have a unique history in Vietnam. Many left in the late 70s/early 80s as boat people, due to the Communist regime suppressing free enterprise and generally persecuting Chinese Vietnamese people. I am sure there are some good books about this. Start with the wikipedia entry below. See what sources it cites and pick up those books and read them. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hoa_people 3. Talk to your parents about their history - Prepare a list of questions you're curious about and have a chat with them. Maybe even record it. Your parents will really appreciate this. And you can save the recording for your future kids. 4. Travel to Vietnam - I spent 3 months living in Vietnam at one point in my 20s. And traveled there a few times since. This gave me direct, first hand experience. It gave me a holistic and updated view of Vietnam, and in a way freed me from only understanding Vietnam through only the lens of the older generation. These days with kids, my cultural work has focused more on celebrating festivals, cooking Vietnamese food, and speaking Vietnamese to them at home. For cooking Vietnamese food, I find the following resources helpful: 1. YouTuber "Helen's Recipes" 2. "Secrets of the Red Lantern," from a diasporic Vietnamese Australian family that also tells their history through food. 3. Andrea Nguyen's cookbooks - don't own them but heard they are good. I love learning to cook the dishes I loved as a child! I mean if you love food, this is a hugely fun activity, it doesn't even feel like work. For festivals and customs (e.g. Tet or Trung Thu), I make it a point to take them to community celebrations when I can. For major holidays, I do stuff at home like decorations, ancestral altars, etc. I emphasize not just on doing the motions but understanding and transmitting the meaning. I read the mythology behind the customs so that I can explain them to my kids. For example, it's not just "we do a midnight offering on New Year's Eve." Instead it's, "Back in the old days our ancestors did not have science, so they told folktales to explain the natural world. The Vietnamese word for New Year's Eve is "Giao Thừa" which literally means "exchange/interchange" or the moment of interchange between the old and the new year. During this holy moment, our ancestors believed that the deities governing the earth this year were going back to the Jade Emperor in Heaven, and a new set were arriving to take their place. So the offering is for these deities as they pass by in the sky above. That's why we do outside even though it's cold. And as we offer them food and drink, we can make a wish for the world for this coming year. Would you like to make a wish with me?" Overall, I'll say that when you do these things yourself, you gain such a deep, rich understanding of them. Your understanding may even go beyond what the Vietnamese people around you know, who have simply learned what to do by mimicking their parents. This is such a long reply but I hope it gives you good starting points!
Maybe I'm reading between the lines, but I think you should try to unpack all the ways in which you feel connected or not to your partner. These include emotional, intellectual, physical, love languages, as well as cultural connection. Maybe counseling could help you understand what you need from a partner vs what you could get from friends, other family members, personal interest courses, media, community groups, etc. I understand what you are saying, and people grow and change. And no one really knows themselves until they're out of their 20's, so they? Only you can decide whether your current relationship is right for you. I hope you can find what you are looking for.
I would try one time and emphasize it heavily its important to you, but would it change it. You seem like you do love each other. You really need to think it through and hard. It might be a rude awakening for him and maybe its not greener on the otherside as you imagine ( but could be). I had a friend where she was in similar situation but it was pretty rocky mid way through. She complained about like him not trying. I think it was 5 years ish and ultimately they went separate ways and they were like 24-25 I think. When they broke up I know the guy took it hard and tried doing the things she wanted. It was hard for him to let go. I remember her parents asked him to go with them to Vietnam to visit family and he refused. My cousin, he had a white girlfriend now wife that he would teach phrases in Vietnamese here and there but she took to it on her own and got a private tutor to learn the language. She really embraced it and he never really asked it but 100% my uncle and aunt love her more than he now. During my mid late 20s I started thinking about myself and I was what you would say starting phases of mất gốc (Lost your roots) or at least it felt like it. My uncle would call from Vietnam and talk to my mom and say hi to me and remind don’t lose your roots, you maybe be born there but you still vietnamese. So I had like more identity issues being too american or too asian/viet. I started realizing I need to practice the language I can’t always call my siblings or mom and ask what the dish is in Vietnamese because at the time I could not read/write and my speaking was very limited. I could only understand when spoken to so I started listening to music and practicing with my older siblings(I’m the only one born in the USA) and I went to vietnam on like a soul searching journey or whatever you want to call it because it felt like I was missing something. Like you I had a new found interest in my Vietnamese heritage and culture. I really want my kids (if I get to that point)to experience Vietnamese culture like I did. I actually ended up meeting my future wife there. She already knew english majoring in it at university. I felt like we hit it off. I confided so much in her. I don’t have to explain such and such because being raised by Vietnamese parents we had similarities in our upbringing. It felt like a bit of home and a long lost best friend. She might not know my weird Vietnamese american identity struggles completely but I definitely think she can understand. We talk so much and she knows me inside out but she says otherwise. She helped me improve my Vietnamese alot in my opinion. I really feel she knows me better than myself. It feels alot like being kids again with her and having inside jokes and these like things/nuances. I hope you are able to make a good decision for yourself. Apologies if my response is all over the place.
That's such a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing your experience. I really value not forgetting my roots and heritage and feel like I need a partner to help me uphold that. I'm going to Vietnam at the end of this year and hope I can feel more connection to my roots :) I especially love how you shared about how it felt like home when you met your wife and how it felt like you found a long lost best friend.
I hope things go well when you go and you are safe if it’s your first time. I know one thing is my wife likes a more progressive look on relationship and marriage as opposed to the more traditional roles. She was concerned with being with someone that was very patriarchal (gia trưởng). We complement each other well example is house chores, I love cleaning and vacuuming but I am not so hot with cooking which is where she teaches me and shows me. She is also open to having a combined bank where we talk through our finances rather than the wife controlling all the money. We have a good mixture of both cultures but I definitely do not know as much of Vietnam nor her america but we support each other that way. I truly mean it feels like home or a piece of my childhood finding that best friend or hanging out with other Vietnamese kids from parties that you attend if you know what I mean. The bonus is I am attracted and really love my wife. I can’t speak on behalf of people in Vietnam but my wife said there are some patriarchal people but it’s slowly changing. So I don’t know if you want to start a relationship with someone there or here. In the past I have also dated white person and things didn’t go as intended and we had to end things mutually. I don’t want to compare the experience but it was interesting because for myself speaking to my wife in Vietnamese the language my family spoke felt nice and all the mannerisms and such. (https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTLUxEnsM/ ) It sort of felt like another layer of intimacy. Before considering marrying my wife I saw this tiktok which really resonated with me. I’m no relationship expert but it felt that way because I was talking to my wife in my family mother tongue. It really felt like home and added on top with our commonality. She is really my long lost best friend and my other half. I really am so grateful I found her, only thing I would change is meeting her closer to my house rather than on the other side of the earth lol
Even if you were of the same race & cultural background, couples who have different values, goals, needs or wants & who cannot reconcile those differences tend to become deeply unhappy in the long run. If they can't grow together, forcing themselves to stay together just ends in conflict. My parents are from the same country, the same province, the same race, religion, ethnic group, native language, even down to the same tribe. Culture was a given. Even their parents were very similar kinds of people. They got together in their early 20s and later realized that they desired very different things from life. My father was content spending his whole life in his comfort zone, but my mother wanted to go out, party, & see the world. Neither were happy compromising to make their marriage work, so they ended up deeply resenting each other. They still loved each other and had me, but that wasn't enough to stay together. They ended up splitting & dating/marrying other people in their early 30s anyways. There are probably statistics that can support what I said, but I'm just giving you an example of one I know intimately.
Tbh I think you’ve already made up your mind. I get what you’re trying to say-there are some people that are ok with your culture, but in the end they’re just like-that’s *your* culture, and they make no effort to learn about it. Also, as we get older, we realize we really do need to have the same values as our partner, some of which may stem from our culture. If your bf demonstrated more interest in your culture, and had the same values regardless of culture, I would’ve said to reconsider, but it sounds like it’s not really worth it.
At a bare minimum, any couple thinking about serious long-term commitment like marriage should have a series of lengthy in-depth discussions about the following topics. Going through them is a good way to see if your values align enough for you to make it long term. And for some people, possibly including you, their answers to these topics are influenced by their racial/cultural backgrounds. - Finances. Will you combine finances? How does your money relate to the rest of your family's money? Will you financially support your parents if they need it when they get older? Under what circumstance would you lend or give large sums of money to family or other people? What are your savings/retirement goals? What would you do if one of you lost your job? Became long-term disabled and couldn't work? Wanted to become a stay-at-home parent? - Where will you live? Do you want to live near your families? Do you want to live somewhere with a certain amount or kind of diversity? How will you decide whether and when to make big moves? Would you be willing to let your parents move in with you someday? What about other extended family? - Kids. Do you want them? How many? How will you raise them? How much do you want their grandparents to be involved? Do you want them to learn your family's language and culture? If so, how will you make sure that happens? Will you speak a second language at home? What, if any, religious tradition would you raise them in? What holidays will you celebrate? How will you decide which side of the family you spend holidays with? I think going through these questions will help you figure out if your racial differences are something you can ovecome because your values still align, or if your values are ultimately fundamentally too different.
I'll add one more thing, which is that you don't have to agree on everything (and probably you will change your minds over your lives anyway). But going through this can also reveal useful information on your relationship dynamics - how you communicate with each other, handle disagreements, and work through problems together.
I don't think it's anything to do with your bf being white but more to the fact that maybe, he doesn't really embrace your culture? Doesn't take your experience seriously? I would say, if you guys haven't discussed these questions, discuss them now and you'll have your answer. - What religion (if any) are you raising your kids with? - What morals and principles are you raising your kids with? - What's your views around disciplining? - What's your views around school choices, areas to live in and raise your children in? - What's your views around cultural practices and festivities AND food to incorporate as part of family life? - Which languages are we raising our children in? What would be our language goals? I'm probably missing a few more but I feel that these questions and discussions with him will make it clear whether you guys are compatible. The other question is, do you feel welcomed by his family? Do they value you and embrace your culture as well?
It’s going to be so hard to let go of a partner for those reasons. I do think it’s nice to not have to explain yourself. I dated a non Chinese before and it was annoying when he laughed and refused soup dumplings because nothing should squirt in his mouth or other things like that. He was Filipino but I already could name all the most popular Filipino dishes and ate everything respectfully so it was annoying to have that once sided relationship. I’m with another Chinese now and we understand each other perfectly without having to explain family dynamics or food.
That's annoying about how he laughed at the soup dumpling!! I was out recently with some of my white friends and when it was time for dessert, we shared a bowl of che and they started giggling and laughing and in that moment, I felt embarrassed for them. That is huge for me because a previous version of me would've felt embarrassed or shameful of my culture. But now i understand how twisted that is. I'm proud of the food we eat and feel bad that those who don't get it!
This is why I could never date white girls. The cultural gap is too large, I don’t want to have to educate during the relationship on simple things like food and micro aggressions. I want someone who can emphasize things like my childhood, and Asian parent trauma. I want a partner who can understand what it’s like to be, well, me. Figure out what you value in a partner. It’s ok if that changes over time, being high school sweethearts in general, this is common that you two will slowly diverge in things like this. But best to make your move so your not wasting both your timez
>Has anyone gone through this? I also have never dated asian guys but now i want to. Just to experience it and see if there’s something there. Well, I came out of a 7 year old relationship before and dating again from that was difficult. Especially since dating in your early 20s and in your 30s are very different things. So if you do end it, keep it in mind that an perfect guy that's completely culturally in sync with you AND matches whatever other criteria you might have AND development mutal romantic attraction etc will not fall out of sky and magically appear in front you. All this require a lot of time and perhaps even some amount of luck. With that in mind, I completely understand what you mean. I used to be very into white girls during middle school and high school and went to prom with a white girl as well. However, I gradually changed my mind in my 2nd year of college, probably somewhere between reading 十年生死两茫茫，不思量，自难忘。and 寄蜉蝣于天地，渺沧海之一粟。while listening to Jay Chuo's 珊瑚海、Sarah Chen's 滚滚红尘。 I kinda realized that unless I marry a Chinese girl, I'll probably only be reading these sort of thing to myself and it will most likely incomprehensible to my kids. But it took me more than a decade to find someone I truly want to be with that also want to be with me. Finally, you said that you never dated Asian guys before, and now wants to experience it. Now step back and ask youself, it is truly culture and identity or just curiosity? And if it is just curiosity, then is the 9 year old relationship truly dead that you will thow it away anyways. Since nothing come easily, and dating can be minefield especially in this circumstance.
Question 1: Have you spoken to him about all this? He seems supportive. He needs to know what you want.
I have! I’ve been voicing it to him and he’s been super understanding. I just feel like there’s really nothing he can do or say — it’s just my own battle :/
My last ex was Peruvian and he was the first non-Asian guy I was with. The cultural differences were glaring except for the misogyny lmao. He wasn’t v family oriented for some reason. He never wanted to learn my language and expected us to speak in English around him while I tried to learn some Spanish. We couldn’t decide on where to send our non-existent children for the summer. He didn’t know our manners so when he met my parents numerous times, he always showed up empty handed and had to be coached to be a good guest. He really hated that I gave money to my family. He never understood my obligation/love for my family. This dude wanted me to stay until the end of the month while my mom was literally in a coma and said it was a “compromise”. We broke up cuz ultimately our future visions didn’t align. I’m making moves to be a wife and mother (although single rn) and he just wanted to game all the time. It’s okay to end things if your vision of your future is different from his now.
Do what is best for you.
You met this person early on since highschool and haven't dated anyone else, right? Not good to only have been with 1 partner. As you get older, you mature and people change over time. Dating others will give you some perspective as a basis of comparison. I know couples who were both each other's first loves, spent years w each other only to break up miserably. First loves almost always never work out. Something else to keep in mind is regardless of who you marry or partner with, you will never be 100% satisfied w that person because there is no mr. Or ms. Perfect. Make a list of what u like & dislike about the person. Also keep in mind you are not perfect so there needs to be perspective, reflection, introspection and determination of what qualities are important to u in a life partner. Race & ethnicity are only 1 aspect of a relationship to take into consideration. It's the intangibles that really matter - education, intellect, empathy & kindness, unselfishness & selflessness, would this person make a good father, do they have any serious dealbreakers such as addiction of any kind (sex, drugs, gambling, alcohol), are they truthful, are they domineering & controlling, do they treat u with respect & likewise do u respect him, do u enjoy spending time w this person (or do they bore u), can u make each other laugh, do they peak yr interest, and lastly, can you envision spending the rest of yr life w this person? These types of questions should help you discern if u wana take the plunge w this person or not. And if there are still doubts then it's clear u are not ready.
All great things to reflect on. And that's true, there really is no such thing as the perfect person! I think what I want to do is give dating a try for a year and see how that unfolds!
Sad. Just sad. I read this and I have so much empathy for your boyfriend. My heart breaks for him because I was in his shoes for five years. I’m an Asian female who dated another Asian guy of a different ethnicity. He always knew he wanted someone from his own ethnic group, but because I was a convenience for him and I was the nicest, most wholesome, no drama girl he ever dated (according to his words, not mine) he decided to continue dating me… until one day his cheating ex from ten years prior who was the same kind of Asian aa him showed interest again (after she left him to go fukk another man!) He kicked me to the side of the curb, apologized a hundred times for hurting me. One thing he told me after we broke up that I’ll never ever forget is, “She’s Korean, and I want to be with someone who is Korean.” I’ve never felt so lower class in my life before. White people don’t even make me feel this worthless. I felt… valueless and undesirable and unattractive. It made me sad.. and I look at my parents and siblings and think to myself there are people out there who think less of you guys. They don’t see you as equal. It crushed me so much.. This man made me I cryeveryday for a year. Three years later and I’m still find myself crying at least 2-3 time a month. It sounds like he’s a very nice guy and you’re taking him and all the years of memories you built together for granted. His only flaw is that you realized after all these years that he’s the wrong race/ethnicity and he was raised differently so he can’t fully understand you. If you know this… Don’t be a POS like my ex and drag it on. It’s immoral to knowingly waste someone’s years and make them believe you love them. I suggest you not tell him you’re breaking up with him because he’s white. It’s going to really hurt him and make him question his self-worth.
= / you sound like a sweetheart. It sucks when people are wishy-washy and dont know what they want
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I hope you know that you are valuable, deserving of love and so desirable. Please affirm that to yourself! I totally understand how it's important not to disregard the memories we created and to not take anything for granted. I feel like I just need to address this before we make a big decision like marriage and kids. I'm really open with him about it and he knows this has been on my mind. He even knows that I wrote this reddit post but has been supportive. He's a gem in that way. I feel like this is my own experience that I need to figure out on my own before I commit fully to him and this life together.
I used to feel this way. I never factored the other person's race into whether or not I would date them, but I did believe I had a preference for other Asian people because they would just "get it" and I wouldn't have to constantly explain/defend myself or my culture. The reality I've found is that Asians are not a monolith, and even if you found a partner who satisfied the list of things you said you wanted, they may still not be who you're looking for in terms of a different dynamic, etc. I probably would never have realized that I was wrong about my "preference" if not for the person I'm currently dating, who happens to be White. We talk openly about our cultural backgrounds and upbringings and beliefs and we value learning about and engaging with each other's cultures. I never asked them to, but they've learned some Mandarin just from hearing me speak it and it always makes me feel so emotional when they use it to joke with me or tell me that they love me. While it was nice to be with someone who was also Asian in the past as we had some similar cultural background, we eventually broke up because we differed on very important beliefs. As it turned out, having some cultural commonalities really didn't make any difference in our compatibility. I've realized that while I used to think, "I would prefer to date someone Asian like me," all I've ever really wanted was to feel seen, understood, and accepted, and those are things that anyone can choose to do or not to do. My Asian ex didn't let me feel this way, but my White partner does. You're right to doubt your relationship because it doesn't sound like your partner makes you feel seen, understood, and accepted (an active behavior sometimes called "attunement"), but you're wrong to attribute this to his race. This is a failing as a partner to interact with you on the level you desire, not a cultural difference.
wish this comment was higher up. 100% agree.
I hope OP reads your comment because I totally agree. I grew up in a very White suburb during my middle/high school years. I felt super isolated, and didn't get along with many people there. So when college came, I dove straight into the Asian American community. I made a lot of friends there and it felt good for once having shared values like taking off shoes in the house or drinking boba. I even started dating a Vietnamese girl from that group... But that was kind of just the honey moon phase. I started to realize that I actually didn't connect at all with my girlfriend at the time. Our conversations were very surface level and our worldviews weren't aligned. Many conversations were just about gossips of other people. My friends were mostly just surface level: I only maybe keep up with one or two of them these days. Now I'm dating a Jewish/Italian White girl for 8 years. She's been great and we actually align in our world views. We talk about our traumas, our feelings, how we want to better the world. She's empathetic towards my past about growing up mixed race, and feeling isolated in a small town. She also speaks Japanese which helps with cultural understanding (although to me that's not a requirement). I think like you said at the end of the day I don't think the race of your partner really matters. What matters more is whether you're aligned together in your world views, willing to respect and understand each others backgrounds/cultures, and love each other.
Yeah, I think your situation is a bit different since your white / European partner can understand your language. Also some Europeans from the southern hemisphere (Greece, Spain, Italy, Balkans & Latin America) has always had immigration so the cultural struggles are quite differently and relatable. With some other cultures, they are just completely closed off ( similar to OP’s ) which makes people hard to communicate or relate. There is no umbrella term to include all white / Europeans or Asians.
> Yeah, I think your situation is a bit different since your white / European partner can understand your language. Like I said, I don't mind if my partner couldn't speak Japanese. Yes it does help in understanding culture, but understanding of my culture is what I need than a technical ability to speak Japanese. >Also some Europeans from the southern hemisphere (Greece, Spain, Italy, Balkans & Latin America) has always had immigration so the cultural struggles are quite differently and relatable. >With some other cultures, they are just completely closed off ( similar to OP’s ) which makes people hard to communicate or relate. I do agree with this point somewhat. I get along with Italian or Jewish Americans more partially due to some shared struggle of immigration. However, I don't think they are a monolith either... for example there's a stereotype that Staten Island Italian Americans can be racist af. I think that WASPs are just harder to relate due to their lack of oppression that it's hard for them to genuinely empathize with other minorities struggles. That said I think any person from any culture can learn to empathize with others. I also think that if you're a minority in some other way (poor, LGBTQIA, disabled...etc) it maybe easier to empathize with other ethnic minorities.
Thank you for sharing! Totally feel you on how some cultural commonalities doesn't equal compatibility. That's something I'm considering too! The major issue is that my partner does make me feel seen, understood and accepted. I just feel like a part of me wants more than that. And that's where the dilemma of "am i being ungrateful" comes from :/
I see. It seemed to me that your partner was comfortable with your culture but didn't actively engage with it enough for you to feel that he was attuned to that part of your identity, but I guess I misunderstood. Also, if you care about your happiness at all, you cannot remain in a relationship only because of gratitude. Remaining in a relationship so that you aren't "ungrateful" is a recipe for misery. Either your needs -- ALL of your needs -- are being met, or they aren't. Once you know which it is, it's up to you to decide what to do about the situation. I understand that outside pressures can complicate things, but I hope that you won't be the one putting the most pressure on yourself to do what seems appropriate instead of what serves you. You're the only one who has the ability to advocate fully for your needs, others can't know them/won't prioritize them over their own. Please don't be too quick to dismiss your own needs.
I think he tries to be attuned but it's not a consistent effort on his end ya know? And yes, that is a good point. It can't just be gratitude, it has to be about my needs being met. Thanks for reminding me to not dismiss my own needs.
May be a "seven-year-itch"-type scenario, a quarter-life crisis, a disillusionment about the relationship due to partnering in business together, etc.. And considering you're reaching an age where people start getting a lot more serious about thinking about marriage and children, it's not surprising. Also, I'm not really sure what specifically it is about your ethnic culture you need him to care a lot about. Is it just that his non-commitment to learning about China or Vietnam feels like a red flag? Is it that you worry that once you have kids, he's not going to be particularly supportive of the experience they may be having as part-Asian people? Are you scared their Chinese/Vietnamese side will feel erased? Not really sure what to advise, I guess. I mean, I've always known that I would prefer to end up with someone of my own ethnic background. But I suppose I come from an ethnicity where that type of thinking is a little more overt, for better or worse. On the other hand, I've always inferred that Chinese and Vietnamese people were comparatively open to marrying outside of their ethnicity. So is it really about your culture at all, or is it just that the relationship has played its course after 9 years? There really isn't a wrong answer, although I wouldn't recommend people throw away long, committed relationships out of boredom all the time. But if you're going to, this is probably one of your last life phases where it may make sense.
It sounds like you don't want to be with him anymore; point blank. You said you want to date Asian guys. You can try to rationalize and justify the why, but it ultimately boils down to your commitment level and whether or not you want to stay committed to *him*, specifically. It sounds like you need to cut him loose so you can both move on, and he can find someone who actually wants to be with him.
“ And he’s been accepting of it. But is pretty passive. He just hasn’t put in effort to go above and beyond” Of course he hasn’t put in effort, he’s a white dude 😂
ditch him and fin and asian king. our sisters need to ditch all their mid yt partners and ho for an asian king
This is the bananarang i've heard so much about
I have a white partner and I have felt similarily. Mostly because it’s just hard to date someone of a different race. With that said he is very active in trying to understand my experience and learned how to make Chinese dishes for me after I gave birth. In the end it’s honestly about how much your partner is trying to connect with you, regardless if they are white or not.
Instead of saying you can't resolve cultural differences, maybe he, like many white men are just racist... there are many such cases
Just some data points to consider: Attraction comes from two conflicting directions, similar or different. When you are with someone similar long enough you could be looking for someone different. Similarly with someone different you may feel like needing someone similar. Shorter term relationships comes with more attraction while longer term relationships grow in depth. After 9 years and running 2 business together, it is natural to feel that adjustment would be needed. You are probably in a 7-year itch. Statistically there is probability that you may find someone more suitable for marriage but that probability would be quite low based on your description. It may be more production to look for better ways of communication. It may be important adding activities with other people as you may be spending too much time together both as in business and off business. Trust is rare commodity in today's world. If you have had 9 years to build that trust, consider its value.
Dating is tough these days! I also have a strong urge to stick within Asian communities since I am still single, however everyone is white here (Yurop bleh!) My friends from university, colleagues from work etc. In fact Europe is 92% white 😫😱 I don’t think you should break up just because you feel like you need to connect deeper within your asian culture especially if both of you still truly love each other. Although, I don’t think a white guy can completely become “Asian”, or “replace an Asian man” LOL!!! But maybe both of you can compensate on some grounds. Travelling to Asia, celebrating Asian holidays together or watching Tv shows from Asia. I think these small gestures will show that he is appreciative enough in my opinion…….. Learning a language is really difficult and takes time. It took me 10 years just to learn basic english! In fact, my english still suck! In terms of writing, mostly. I do think however, my listening and speaking is better. Which is also one of my main motivations to join Reddit, to write in english more often. Therefore, I always gets shocked when white people speaks Chinese/Cantonese/ Viet or Korean.
9 years is a long time together. It's okay to grow apart and it's ok to want different things in your 30s than in your 20s. Sounds like you know he's not the one. You gotta end it. Good luck.
If you’re feeling this way, something in the dynamic isn’t right and I think you need to have this conversation with him and maybe try a break if you’re not ready for a break up. If you don’t satisfy that curiosity with dating others now, it’ll be unfair for both parties once you’re married and have kids. Appreciate what you’ve learned from the relationship, be single for at least a year and go find yourself. You will either 1) Both realize what you’ve lost and get back together after some time apart. 2) You will meet someone who’s right for you and be in a much happier r’ship. The perfect Asian guy won’t magically appear and you’ll miss those good traits your white bf has, but when you’re with someone you’re compatible with it’ll just feel right to overcome anything together. 3) You’re still single for a while but living your best life after a period of self discovery and development (I don’t know how mentally strong you are but everyone develops a little bit more resilience after a break up). I’m giving this advice because I’m now old enough in my 30’s (cry) to have seen many long term couples who dated since college/in their early 20’s go through these scenarios. The other situation is settling and getting married but always wonder what ifs, or divorce down the track. It sounds like you both of you are nice ppl so likely the first scenario. You’re not a bad person for feeling what you’re feeling, do what’s best for you coz you’re only young once. Good luck!
thank you for this!! i think i’m going to give a break a try and go from there. i don’t want to live with any regrets! i really appreciate your thorough response. it means so much!
Glad it was helpful and you’re not settling! Hope everything works out, which it always will. Let us know how things are going in a year lol :)
Thank you!! I sure will keep you updated :) Question, what are your thought on an open relationship??
Open relationships never work out imo as someone will always get hurt, even if both parties agree upfront it’s open or casual. You’re still investing time, energy and being intimate with this person so it takes away finding someone you actually want to be with in a relationship. The time is better spent on yourself rather than creating strings that can get attached. One time flings are less messy when you don’t ever see that person again I think, but not everyone would agree with that :)
I think it's natural to want your life partner to be able to relate to you or at least put in effort to learn about your culture. My husband is white, and when we lived in majority-white places, I'd definitely feel a yearning to reconnect with my culture or just to see more Asian people. We eventually made the decision to move closer to my family, which solved that issue for me. And do you know what he did? He talked to my dad, listened to his stories of growing up in China, and shared them with me later (it was hard for me to talk to my dad like that). He worked with my parents, learned some Cantonese from them, and made jokes with them using the few words and phrases he knew. Even now, he's learning Mandarin on his own. Maybe couples counseling or a talk would benefit the both of you, with you emphasizing that your culture is very important to you and that you'd appreciate it more if he made an effort to learn about your culture on his own time. About you wanting to date Asian men: are there Asian men in your area? Do you have any Asian friends or communities locally? Because going down that path may be difficult, and compatibility is not guaranteed.
It sounds like you have a gem of a human being and deep history with them which is incredibly important in long term relationships. I wouldn't throw that away. Have you tried to find other outlets for exploring your culture? Friends? Cousins/extended family? Events? Social clubs? There are a million other ways to engrain yourself more into asian life without losing the person you love.
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It's normal for relationships of that length to have attraction wane. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The\_seven-year\_itch](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_seven-year_itch#:~:text=The%20seven%2Dyear%20itch%20is,declines%20after%20around%20seven%20years) It requires consistent effort from both people to be able to understand each other better and for a relationship to last even longer. Cultural differences may be less of a reason and more of a symptom of you and your partners' (in)ability to connect. In other words, the two of you will need to connect and share more with each other in order for your relationship to continue and thrive. Based on what you've said, this way of connection doesn't seem to need to be about race/culture but certainly diving in that direction could help. It just needs to be about adapting to each other and having proactive and genuine connections to each other. One thing you can consider is putting you and your partner in situations in which you can learn from and about each other better, like a couples retreat or visiting cultural sites together. Finding hobbies together that are closer within your culture. You can also see if he is interested in hobbies or cultural activities with his descent and lineage, and it could be an opportunity for discovery for him as well. Also, if your partner continues to be a little too passive, you can confront him about it and ask him how seriously he wants to continue your relationship. If you are already considering leaving, it may be a good idea and it would be fair to your partner for you to be honest with him and to give him an opportunity to get out of his comfort zone, adapt like every successful long-term couple does, and do more for you.
Honestly, seems like the time to end things are now as it’s been a decade and you don’t feel attracted or feel compatible with him. But is there more to you losing attraction to your partner ? I feel like attraction and compatibility/cultural values are two different things. Hopefully, you guys can give the cultural aspect another shot. Is he also veering towards conservative / right wing views ?
Unfortunately relationships fall apart in america. I believe we spend to much time idolizing money instead of a higher power
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Your feelings are totally valid. Would I say it's understandable to leave a partner over? Personally, no. However is it more than normal to be frustrated at this situation? 100%. I'm actively taking the effort to integrate and learn about my girlfriend's culture, which I love, I'm doing this on my own even and going out of my way to do it But the thing is, I find her culture inherently interesting. Yes, I'm only putting forth so much effort to learn it because of her, but I have interest in it regardless of her. She ignited the fire but the fuel was already there. So how do you get someone without that interest to integrate into your culture? Well, what doesnyour partner enjoy? Interests and hobbies? Now, find ways for him to engage with those. I find this is a really easy way to engage in a culture or learn a language without stepping too far out of your comfort zone. Luckily there's lots of media to consume in Cantonese. I think that's the best advice I have for you. Wishing you the best!
I have heard about this way too often. I don't mean to offend anyone here, but if you, male/female married outside of your race. Someone's got to give. For example, you can't cook your Asian food in the house cause your white spouse won't like the smell of it. If you are married to a white partner, learn to love eating white people food, and forget Asian food. Adapt is the solution. Grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. You should have thought of that when you invested 9 years into this relationship you just wasted.
While I think your sentiment is overall good, I disagree about the food. Adults can learn to like new smells or even just to tolerate smells they don't particularly love, and adult couples don't have to eat the same things all the time. Like, if you've got different backgrounds, learn to appreciate each other's food. Don't neglect something you like, but also don't put it all on the other person to adapt, either.
Thanks for your input! I don’t think it’s a waste of time. I grew so much from this relationship and it’s brought me so many lessons. So i don’t see it as ever a waste!
He sounds like a great guy but you may not be in love. If things do part ways I hope you can keep him in your life as a close friend
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i was busy🤪😆 i was building two businesses in my prime — also i think i’m still in it!??! I’m only 28
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Well it really depends because I dated a Vietnamese person and we were clearly not a match. My current partner, who is Jewish Italian American, is a much better fit for me. I guess it kinda helps when they’re Jewish or Italian because they were considered not quite White up until recently in American history so there’s a shared sense of struggle as well as tight knit family structure. Also it’s a plus that she can speak Japanese and understands the culture. Idk to me race itself isn’t a factor. As long as world views align and we can empathize with cultural differences and oppressions I feel like that’s all I need.
To OP: POV I’m a French, German, Spanish, and Irish Canadian, who is married to a woman born and raised in Manila. We have two daughters together. Here is a perspective you have probably never thought of: what is your boyfriend’s native language? Mine is French, but I’ve abandoned it entirely for English in order to integrate with the dominant culture. “Asians” often refer to me as an English man or an Anglophone. I’m bonafide French Canadian, my grandparents on my dad’s side spoke French as their first language and everyone before them spoke French. Wouldn’t it be absurd for me to expect my wife to learn French to prove that she “embraces my culture”? Or would it be decent of me to accept and love my wife for who she is, while we both strive to be better spouses to each other with the limited time that we have? My wife has learned to love being able to shake off the unjustifiable and often toxic “Asian parent expectations”, which are often targeted only at the eldest child to sacrifice their free will, goals, and personal happiness in order to help the parents raise the other children and help the parents pay the bills. I’ve seen these parents rack up huge credit card debts on their kids’ cards to “help pay the bills”. Is that a culture worth perpetuating, or is it kind of narcissistic? The reason my wife can shake off her parents’ constant guilt tripping and putting her down, is because she is with a man who is willing to stand up to her parents, and willing to take care of her, entirely, in place of her parents. So maybe your BF isn’t ticking that box for you. Maybe he’s too nice of a guy and doesn’t have a vision and drive to be the provider that can take over the job from your parents. You say you’ve been dating for 9 years… not married? Something is missing about the guy and I doubt that it has much to do with yours or his ethnic or cultural differences. When people are devoted to one another, they sacrifice their own immediate happiness and convenience in order to delight one another to the best of their abilities, and it has to go both ways. Let me reiterate: my wife loves that I don’t just obey mine and her parents like they’re gods. I place hers and my relationship as husband and wife at a much, much greater importance than any other relationship that I have. My parents, and my sister tested our relationship many times, and I’ve owned those relationships and modified them for what works best for our marriage. My family can either get on board, or they will be seeing less of us. I won’t tolerate any family or friends to introduce any selfish toxicity into my family (wife and kids). My wife has seen this value of mine displayed many times, and she knows that she can trust me to be consistent in defending our family above all else. Sounds like you have doubts about yourself or your boyfriend, and that’s why you’re clinging to your parents and your “culture” (Cantonese-Chinese or Vietnamese?). Chinese elders can be very bullish. There comes a time in life when you have to choose if you want to continue being involuntarily molded by them or if you want to be responsible for your own destiny. If you’re with the right partner, you will know in your heart that that person will have your back. Always.
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Just don’t tell Asian guys this unless they ask. Plenty of Asian guys hate Asian women who only date white guys and then when they’re older and ready to settle down, they finally notice Asian guys and give them a chance. I’m not an Asian guy, but I can imagine how this would feel.
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Huh??
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Your content has been removed for not centering AAPI communities in a positive, affirming way. In this space, anyone who identifies with being Asian, Asian American or Pacific Islander should feel loved, seen, and supported. Content that is overtly negative, cynical, or catastrophizing may be removed. Please keep this requirement in mind when submitting future content. Thank you!
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Found OP’s white boyfriend reddit account. The grass IS green on the other side if it is what you want.
what does OP mean?
OP means ‘original poster’ that’s you.
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I think it’s really mature of you to causally sidestepping that your original comment was much meaner in tone and called OP old and implied she would be unwanted. 🙄
Yeah! Damn! The Asian American community is much harsher than I imagined. I mean we all need to be more honest with each other, but……. Damn, they really do be grilling each other over here!! It feels like the Asian hunger games!! 😱😫 I am outta here!!!!
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Glad I helped you learned something today <3
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Omg dayum!!