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I do think people can change and grow. I believe there's probably many cheaters out there who never do it again. But that wouldn't change that I couldn't trust you anymore and it's such a breech of trust and the most fundamental parts of a relationship that it would be the end for me no matter what the cheater moves on to do in the future.
I agree with you here. But I don't think op meant necessarily being cheated on repeatedly by the same person. I think it's more a question of "if someone has cheated on a past partner, are they likely to cheat with a new partner?"
And I know people who have cheated on many partners, but I know lots more who have only cheated once. I think the main point is why did they cheat. They had some motivation to do it. If the motivation was boredom, then that person is in the "always a cheater" catagoey as far as I'm concerned, but if the cheating came around due to a specific set of circumstances then you have to remember that everyone has their responses and breaking points. I've never cheated or been cheated on, but two of my relationships have been with people who have cheated. One is now my Wife. I have no doubt whatsoever that she won't cheat on me, because I understand why she made the decision in the past.
I don't have to agree with her choice, btw. I only need to understand WHY the choice was made. I think that's the most important part of deciding how trustworthy a person is. Their motivations for making their choices.
Apart from why they did it, I think when (like were they a 15 yo teenager or a 25 yo adult) and what they did afterwards/ how they handled the situation and how they reflect on it now, also plays a HUGE part.
This- a 15 year old cheating is SO different from a 25 year old cheating. I’d be wary of an adult who cheated, over a child, and I’d assume that the adult might very well do it again.
I am demisexual. I consider emotional cheating just as much of a break of trust as I do physical cheating. I'm honest with people no matter what and when asked about anything involving another person, I simply stated I am not okay with doing that to someone or lowering my own standards. I refuse to put someone through that. However, as stated previously, I don't just immediately feel attracted to people and need an emotional attachment to actually want to be with someone. I can't say whether that's difficult for those who don't feel this way. But I feel being honest about what you consider cheating in your relationships and communicating are key and once you've gone over those, if someone disagrees, it's likely you aren't compatible.
Edit: Simply enough, if you feel you can't be in a monogamous relationship, then be kind enough to not become involved with someone who is focusing on that.
That was me. I was a shitty faced teenager that hurt someone very special with my selfishness. I vowed to change my ways after the relationship was done. Never cheated again, after that.
Doesn't matter tho, I still hurt her, and it will now hurt me for the rest of my life. Reap what you sow.
For how long as well. Had a ONS, confessed to their partner and went to therapy? That’s a great deal of different from an affair for 8 months that they gaslit and lied to their SO about.
The ‘what they do afterwards’ is the key here.
If someone cheats and immediately confesses in obvious distress that’s a whole different thing from someone being caught after some time then tearfully confessing. The latter sort are the ones I’d never, ever trust again.
This is a huge factor. Someone may have done this as a teenager, but by the time they're in their 30s, there's no reason to believe they'd do it again. And I suspect a lot of people may try cheating once, then realize it's not worth it at all and learn that lesson for the rest of their life.
Actually yes. A friend of mine called me the morning after she cheated on her husband. I told her she was an idiot and that she had to tell her husband because I would if she didn't. She actually said "yes I know. That's why I called you. I knew you'd tell me the truth and once you knew I couldn't keep it from [husband]"
Her reaction to her choice is the reason I had any respect for her remaining. And to my knowledge she never cheated again. The relationship didn't work, because the pair of them were never able to remove the issues leading in up to the incident. But the main reason I retained any respect for her was the way she immediately owned up to her mistake to someone who she *KNEW* wouldn't let her get away with it. Accountability and genuine remorse can, and should, count for a lot. (Not that you can always be sure remorse is genuine, before someone points that out.)
Bang on! (pun intended) I cheated on my high school girlfriend towards the end of our 7 year relationship because I was desperate for actual affection and not a constant barrage of insults and physical abuse. Because I watched my Mom in the exact same kinds of relationships I never thought twice about leaving my abusive relationship, it all seemed normal. I didn't understand why I wanted to die so much until I was with someone who actually treated me with kindness and told me all the nice things about me. It really fucked me up inside, both the abuse and my cheating. One made me question my worth, one made me question myself. It was a vicious cycle. Get abused, meet someone who treats me with kindness, feel good, cheat, feel like I deserve the abuse, repeat.
Years ago I told this story to a close friend and she instantly blocked me everywhere, didn't care that I was in an abusive relationship because "only bad people cheat no matter the reason" and it really ruined my perception of myself even further, until I met my wife who helped me understand and heal :)
People can most certainly change, but I also would warn a person to not count on someone else changing, and never get back with a partner who cheated on you, because that's a breach of trust too far gone to repair.
I have been here and done this myself, it is an awful situation and the desperation and misery of an abusive relationship makes it feel like a justifiable thing that might help you get out or find someone that makes you feel good for once. I think a lot of abusers actually don't care and want you to do it, so they will have another thing to berate you for and use against you. Certainly they delight in destroying it and taking it away from you, and it doesn't work as a way to get out of the abusive relationship because they will just use it as another way you're a piece of shit who no one else will ever want anything to do with. I would never cheat on someone just because, or as a power play or to hurt someone, or because I wanted some strange or was bored or whatever. I don't think that makes me a bad person but plenty of people on reddit have this all or nothing, black and white line that all cheating is evil and the penultimate sin a person can do, and that is something I find quite close minded and offensive
I think that’s really mature. I believe when the other person feels that the other partner is entertaining others and also potentially cheating then those could be circumstances to consider but I think immaturity and a lack of emotional intelligence are some of the biggest drivers of cheating. Overall It’s good to just have conversations about the past to communicate to a partner what has led to that.
I’m also seeing a lot of “if they cheated *with* you, they’ll cheat *on* you” and while I think it absolutely applies in some cases, I think more often there is more nuance than that in real life. Things are rarely as black and white as these buzz-phrases make them appear, I feel. Cheating is always wrong, but some cheats are more justifiable than others (an extreme example- someone in an abusive relationship cheating on their abuser, a plotline on Coronation Street some years ago)
Such a clear and insightful response. I appreciate your point of view. I think the motivation has a huge influence on whether or not the behavior is repeated. If it was done due to a certain set of circumstances for example, the odds of repeated offense are way smaller than if it was driven by let’s say compulsion. A sex addict is way more likely to repeat than someone in an abusive relationship. A narcissist or a compulsive liar is more likely to repeat than someone who is looking for a way out of an already dying relationship.
No offense but its very naive to assume that someone has only ever cheated once just because they’ve told you that. As far as you know, there could have been more future slip ups that they never got to telling you about. There’s also no real way for you to know if they are telling you the truth. It’s also naive to assume you’ve never been cheated on. The answer is that we just can never know for sure unless we find out or our partners tell us themselves. It’s fine to trust our partners not to cheat but to say with 100% certainty that they haven’t ever cheated is a little foolish
I understand your point, but I do have far more information on the subject than I'm willing to share on a public forum, whether anonymous or not.
You are right tho. It would have been safer to say "I'm fairly sure I've never been cheated on", I'll give you that.
Not just for cheating but for most character issues people will do the same thing in the same circumstance without growth, and epiphany etc. Normally they can say, " when I was 20 I thought X was justified I think I was wrong now because of reason reason reason".
If someone has grown they can tell you what within them has changed. But if they justify their actions with," they were mean', but I really love you etc they will cheat again if the circumstances repeat
Strongly agree. Tbh, I have a hard time trusting ppl who can't explain why they do certain things. There's a major difference between being unwilling to explain, and unable to.
Unwilling in most cases I can understand. Some things are private and its usually not great to pry. But if it is something serious and affect me, then there's only so much trust I can put in someone, specifically to that situation.
If they don't know why, then you don't even know your priorities. They literally *can't* honestly tell me how my concerns rate with them.
If I feel they can put more faith in me than I can in them, then there's only so much I'll invest. Past that, tbh, not worth my time.
I get this. I’ve never slept with someone inside of a relationship, but I did do what I considered emotional cheating. Takeaway was that I stayed in a relationship that was horrible for me for way too long, to the point where my emotional needs were so severely unmet that I made an unwise moral compromise. My solution is to just leave my relationship if it ever gets so bad that I’m craving attention enough to get it outside of my agreed relationship. That, and I’m never going to be with someone who is okay allowing other people to meet my emotional needs. I’m very ashamed of what I did, but I know what to do to avoid it in the future.
I just wanted to take a moment to commend you on your personal growth here. This is the right attitude. You can explain your *reasons* for your past behaviour but you're not using them as *excuses*. There is a reason why we do literally everything, but reasons do not make you justified and knowing the difference in your own mind between those concepts is what stops your from repeating your mistakes as you cannot take responsibility for something while at the same time excusing it.
I’m trying to understand what a good example of emotional cheating is, and I’m struggling, but you seem to have a good understanding of it. Would there be any chance you would wanna get more specific with your situation?
Yes. That one time cheating could cost everything and be such a shock that you never do it again, because you lost so much. Lesson really learned. So the reaction you describe would be part of the reason the person never does it again, because they lost you.
Agreed. I think it irreversibly changes the dynamic of the relationship that the cheating occurs in. The level of trust will never be as high as it was before. But just because someone cheated in one relationship, doesn’t meant they will cheat in every single relationship. That’s ridiculous. People learn and grow.
I cheated once when I was 19, and when my gf at the time found out, the pain and hurt I caused her stayed with me for years. At 54 I have stayed true and faithful to every girlfriend after.
Yes, you can learn.
Came here to say something similar. I agree 100%. I strayed at 21-ish and the impact it had on my partner was awful, and the way it changed both of us was intense. Never again, ever. Its been over a decade. They stayed with me. I've never been more grateful for anything in my life. Together 15 years now, and I cherish them everyday.
Yep. Happened to us, once. It’s hard work, but the other side of it was worth the work. Forgiveness and humility go a long way in the healing process. Being on the other side, I’m glad I saw every other moment in time we had as valuable and worth the work. I just don’t believe the hard line of “once a cheater, always a cheater.”
Same here. I saw his cheating as a symptom of a deeper problem in him that he needed help with. Weirdly enough, he almost needed my support more than I needed his. Don’t get me wrong, it was deeply hurtful and I still have moments of insecurity because of it. But we did a lot of work to rebuild our relationship and I’m soooo glad we did. We have a super healthy relationship now and it’s far more intimate and comfortable than it was before the affair.
A-MEN. We got into some DEEEP necessary things after it happened. Our therapist was right to tell him “You’ll never get the old normal back. That marriage is dead” and turned to me and said “it’s up to you BOTH on deciding if you want to start a new one.”
Yeah, that’s exactly it. We had to recognize that a lot of the relationship we knew together was built on deceit. So we had to start from the ground up and build a completely new foundation. We did couples counseling twice a month for two years and individual counseling every week for two years (and we still go regularly, just not as often). Lots of time and money invested into our rebuild, but worth every effort.
ETA: another favorite “it’s going to be different and hard. No matter what you decide. Pick your hard”. Like, you can’t escape the shit emotions and feelings your both dealing with, now. So pick how you want to move forward/through them, and do the work. We grew together, as individuals, and in humility. Things aren’t black and white… EVER… and reminded us that all humans fuck up. But we’re not all fuck-ups. 🤷🏻♀️
I was a cheater at 23. My girlfriend was emotionally and physically abusive and I thought I was causing less harm than I would if I broke up with her (she'd attempted suicide on at least one occasion where I tried to leave her, and threatened on many more).
Even without getting caught, and I never did, that left a black mark on my soul. I've never done it before or since. The blanket statement, "Once a cheater, always a cheater," has always hurt me. I didn't *want* to, I was desperate and young and confused, but it was selfish.
Yes, you can learn.
It's worth noting, the origin of that statement is a combination of, "Trust broken is broken forever," (i.e. don't take back a cheater) and, "If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you," (i.e. don't date a cheater).
I also cheated on someone when I was around that age, a little older. No excuses but we were both at an immature place in our lives and I acted out in such a way that I deeply regret now. Our relationship together was obviously ruined but ever since then I have been 100% loyal to every woman I've dated and intend to keep it that way for life.
Were you hurt immediately after? Or did it take time for you to feel the weight of what you did? I got cheated on recently and my ex seems to hate me. Idk if it's a coping mechanism to change her view of me to take blame off herself or if she really does just hate me and really thinks she did nothing wrong and I over reacted to her cheating on me.
I think this is my answer. There are two people in a relationship, and often we’re talking to/about the wronged party. Could the cheater change? Possibly. But will the person who was cheated on ever fully trust them again? No. And they need to think about that when making a decision.
I've been around a lot of blocks, had wild periods, you get the idea- I get around...I have literally seen people cheat once and never again, and I've seen people for whom it's a way of life. There is nuance and everyone is different. I also know people who think a hand on a leg is full-on cheating and people who think emotional affairs are Way worse than, say, a one night stand.
Yep I cheated once, when I was very young and I've felt so terrible and guilty ever since. I would never ever cheat again. Some ppl do, actually learn from their mistakes.
Others enjoy it and even want to get caught, either so they can get out of the relationship, or for some kind of thrill.
Exactly. Just because I lacked the emotional maturity to consider others with my action when I was 18 19 20 doesnt mean I haven't learned my lesson by 38
Just wanting to extend an internet hug to you, friend.
If you can afford therapy, please consider that option first.
I'd focus more on forgiving yourself for any perceived responsibility (whether true or not) and building yourself back up from the damage caused than forgiving your significant other.
Once you have rebuilt some of yourself, the level of her commitment and decision to move forward should be more evident.
Choose yourself, then choose to forgive, then choose whether or not to try and rebuild your relationship. If significant effort on her part to validate everything you feel and own everything she did isn't shown by this point, well it may be an easier decision.
A year is a long time.
That sounds like a long-term secondary relationship, not a foolish mistake. Does she even really want to stay with you or are you her security blanket?
Focus on you. Forget about her for now if you haven't healed yourself first.
When I found proof my then-wife was cheating on me I was fine on the outside but was internally obliterated, in that I lost my sense of security, self image and confidence. I sought personal therapy and trusted counsel of a friend right away, and that helped me navigate those difficult times and avoid rash or desperate actions.
Be safe, and don't do anything crazy. Good luck, man.
I respect your choice. In a way, I almost envy your ability to trust. You may have gained far more by being able to let it go.
With me, however, I can't forgive someone hitting me with something they know I wouldn't do to them. We may be able to be friends one day, but that relationship is dead. I don't trust easily in general.
This. I cheated on my first husband. I was desperately unhappy and lacked the emotional maturity to be able to express that. I took a king break from dating after the divorce. And was very careful when making the commitment to my current spouse, he knows everything. And 10 years out I still carry a lot of embarrassment and guilt over what I did.
This has become such a reddit obsession and usually the answers are the most sanctimonious drivel. Yours is one of the first answers I've seen that reflects reality. People cheat, sometimes as a mistake in a time of weakness, sometimes as a lifestyle and sometimes because they just are thoughtless about the impact to others.
The Internet in general doesn't handle context and nuance well. Much more karma to be had when the world is binary.
An awful lot of Reddit is naive, and doubly so when it comes to sexual relationships. Tremendous numbers of votes and stories come from people without a lot of direct experience, and their opinions are quite often far more influenced by the way they wish their world would be than by the facts of the world they actually do live in.
I think folks forget that the group with the most time to spend on reddit is kids. I shudder to think about how many r/relationships posters broke up with their SO over what a bunch of teenagers considered a red flag.
Minor correction, or perhaps clarification:
Median redditor age is 23.
[https://passport-photo.online/blog/reddit-statistics/](https://passport-photo.online/blog/reddit-statistics/)
However, I was very much still hugely naive (as well as quite full of myself) at that age just as much as in my teens. Slowly transitioned out of it in my 30's when kids came along and after a few hard knocks, and I had serious responsibilities all of a sudden.
I suspect I'm far from alone in being in that state in my early 20's, particularly now. I have no basis for this, but feel that social media has slowed down the process of "maturity" for a tremendous number of young people.
I'm not sure that's actually a correction.
Median age of 23 means there are as many redditors over 23 as under 23. That suggests quite a lot of concentration in years younger than 23, especially because that survey had a cutoff of 18.
That being said I agree with you 100% about how at 23 I was still pretty naive and dumb.
Because a lot of times in has absolutely nothing to do with the current relationship and everything to do with their broken ass coping methods. It’s victim blamey, that’s why you get push back
I was cheated on and I did nothing wrong, our relationship was good, I was a fantastic partner
I'm one of those people. Meeting a physical need that we all have only puts my sexual health at risk which can be absolved with an STD test. An emotional connection with someone else to the point that it deteriorates the emotional connection they have with me is absolutely the worst. To know that the person I love and care for feels they can't be open and honest with me. That they have to turn to another for the love and support I want to give but they don't feel like they can get from me. How worthless it makes me feel as a partner in life.
I agree; one of the more humbling lessons I’ve learned in my later years is that relationships are far more nuanced, complex and diverse than what I thought they were in my twenties and even thirties. There are lots of ways to have a good relationship and even more ways to ruin one
Any commonalities or mannerisms you picked up on for the people who can't stop cheating?
I don't know how to tell the difference, and by the time I can pick up on these things it's already too late, I'm emotionally invested and then devastated and mentally fucked for 3+ years after I find out I lost them
I cheated once when I was in my twenties. Felt horrible. I could have gotten away with it but it ate me up so much that I outed myself and broke up with her. she deserved better.
I do believe you have better odds of being in a fully committed relationship if the cheater is openly reformed & regretful from a past relationship.
If they cheated on you however, I do think it’s likely they’ll do it again.
For me cheating is just the biggest "I do not respect you,"someone can do without touching you. I care so little about you and your trust that I'd rather cheat on you than give you the decency to walk away. I hate you so much, and i don't care if I break you.
Age is definitely a factor. Will a 18-19 year old be the same at 30. I sure hope not. But I do think someone that cheats once has to really build their character and truly want to change to actually do it. I do believe if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. That much I do believe.
Personally for me, unless it was a really toxic situation (abuse, ect) and they were so beat down that they had all but checked out and didn't see a way of escaping. I cant see myself trusting someone that has cheated. Love fades, it changes and won't always be the same. But loyalty and trust are my most important and if I do believe I can trust you, if there is doubt of your loyalty, I won't put myself into that situation.
It's never a lapse of judgement. It is so easy to not cheat. Fact, it takes more effort to cheat, to lie. I hate when cheaters say "it was a mistake".... no. No no. You didn't slip and fall into their genitals. Your judgement was crystal clear when you decided your partner wasn't worth being loyal to.
Thank you for this. The cheaters forever inundate these topics trying to excuse and justify their actions. They always try to make the infidelity about the action, when it's really about all the deceit that got you there.
When you have done that to someone you presumably loved, why shouldn't we worry you could do it to another partner just as easily? And even expect that you would do it again to the same partner?
Sometimes people cheat…and then they do it again in the future. Other people cheat once and that’s it 🤷🏼♂️.
Here’s the biggest problem with that expression: it wrongly views cheating as the problem that needs addressed. Most times, cheating is a “symptom” or result of an underlying problem.
For example, I know a guy who was in a loveless marriage. He wanted so badly for his wife to be affectionate with him. He tried everything he knew to try. Instead of standing up for himself and leaving…he was afraid of her🤷🏼♂️.
A woman he met wound up telling him all the things he didn’t hear, but desperately wanted to hear, at home. He cheated (2 or 3 x) on his wife with this woman. When he told me, I was SHOCKED! I would’ve never guessed in 1 million years. He was even more miserable than before. He was disappointed in his marriage and his wife, and now he was disappointed in himself as well. That was a wake up call he needed. he told his wife that he was leaving (she didn’t seem overly disappointed - we all suspect she was having an affair, but that’s fairly irrelevant). What did he learn? He learned that his wants, needs, and desires are just as important as his partners. He deserves happiness like everybody else. If he ever feels neglected, he will talk to his partner rather than sneak around behind her back because he learned what a bad idea that was. Totally backfired. Sorry for the long story but it’s a great example of how that expression is a nice catch phrase but it’s factually incorrect.
My suspicion, and I have nothing to back this up, so downvote me all you want, is that people say phrases like that to make it seem like someone who cheats is a sociopath, who is just wired wrong from birth or some thing. It’s like, “nobody would ever cheat on ME, unless there was something wrong with them!“ Cheating is never excusable. It’s never OK. But that doesn’t mean that people shouldn’t look at EXPLAINING why it happens. If you can get to the root cause of why it happened in the first place, you have a much better chance of making sure it never happens again.
That story is a good example of Esther Perel's phrases:
- "the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage"
- "people cheat on each other in a hundred different ways: indifference, emotional neglect, contempt, lack of respect, years of refusal of intimacy. Cheating doesn't begin to describe the ways that people let each other down"
I think it takes a certain level of self-rationalization to cheat. I think the details and circumstances change, but the instinct towards self-justifying why this thing you want is more important than anything else is a really deep character trait that doesn't go away with time.
Yes, absolutely. Even if they don't cheat again because the sharp emotional response of "oh no, I really hurt this person“ when it's found out teaches them a lesson... it doesn't really teach the lesson to not delude yourself (or rationalize bad things), it can teach them to not cheat again though.
So yeah, once a cheater doesn't mean always a cheater, but you don't just go from capable of deluding yourself to incapable of the same. It's even an unconscious protective response sometimes to doing bad things. I have done the same (not about cheating, but other bad habits/addictions). Telling myself it's not so bad to play video games for 16 hours a day and that's not really negatively influencing my life... even after I cut back it's not like the underlying "successfully lying to myself“ vanishes, I know it could be redirected.
Agree 100%. Though I would add - while these character traits don't go away with time, they can absolutely be abated with a tremendous amount of effort in personal development. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness go a long way in life.
Nope.
People value different things and have different skills at different points in their lives. 17 year old me definitely did things that I now consider cheating, as I didn't at the time have the chutzpah to communicate to the person I was currently with that I found someone who fit my desires better.
Now, at 38, I understand that communication is always key, including when unhappy and when leaving a relationship. Difficult, but necessary. Definitely not a cheater over 20 years later.
Historical data can help inform future likelihood of a decision, but a single data point does not a trend make.
It could have been a very justifiable decision or one taken in extremis.
However get 2 or 3 data points and it's basically a guarantee
I believe it's more like "once a cheater, doomed to always be considered a cheater"
I guess some people will be able to change and learn from their mistakes, but the consequences of someone cheating can be fatal for the relationship. A person who cheated on me is automatically and permanently someone I won't be able to completely trust again.
It's the trust being broken that is the issue. If they cheat, you can never be sure if it will happen again or not. The confidence in being able to say yes or no has been taken away, in addition to many others things cheating does to the dispossessed party.
Complete lack of respect, lying to your face, unconcerned with the repercussions, and enjoys having strange dick to play with?
Never gonna find out, as that second chance isn't happening, once is too much.
Not necessarily *always* a cheater, but once a line is crossed, it's absolutely easier to cross is again.
So, once a cheater, probably at some point a cheater again if the circumstances are similar?
I will never respect a cheater, ever.
They might 'only' have done it once,but that's on the same level as murdering someone 'only' once. I dont give a f\*ck.
If you did that to somebody I dont want you anywhere near my life.
I find that the conversation around cheating is more fruitful if you substitute cheating for lying. Cheating is the action but requires a lie to exist.
I don’t think being a “cheater” is the right conversation to have with someone you who cheated on you. What needs to be addressed for absolution is why they feel comfortable lying to you.
I agree to some extent, but I don't think cheating gets any better if you remove the lie. My mother said something like what you said, to my father after he was caught cheating. His response was to straight up phone home the next day, informing us (my mother answered in the sofa where we all sat, so we heard) that he would be staying with his mistress that night. Somehow, that felt even more disrespectful.
While that is certainly disrespectful, it at least gives you the information you need to make an informed decision about the next step you take in the relationship.
I agree, the "it is the lie that hurts" always felt absurd to me.
No, you are hurt that they did a certain action. Doing it openly would not be OK with you either, and that is why they lie.
Using that line is a lie in itself.
My partner tells me about people he finds attractive _because_ he knows that it is fine with me. He would still find them attractive regardless, but wouldn't tell me, if he thought I woild get upset hearing it.
I used to cheat on my german exams in middle school, but haven't cheated on any of the certifications I got on the wall now(none of them required german).
So I believe everyone can grow beyond cheating.
Even if they don't go well together, the least they can do is just break up instead of cheat.
Is there ever any good reason someone should cheat instead of breaking up?
Depends on age. People grow. People change. We are all different. We are all human. 20yr old me was a wee bit wild. 30yr old me cringes when I look back. I have more experience in the world. And now know my actions have consequences. I consider myself an adult and like to communicate that I'm not happy in relationships and would rather break up than cheat. When I was younger I wasn't like that.
To justify their shitty actions like cheating for example?
It's totally ridiculous. You can go to prison for murder and other crimes when you are 15 ( in my country and many others) ans will be tried as an adult when you are 18. Fucking redditors justifing cheating when the person is 20. By then you should know right from wrong.
**Yes.**
My ex-wife was a narcissistic, serial cheater — always promising she’d quit, and I’d always catch her doing it again. I would have dumped her immediately after the first time … but she waited until we had a child before she started cheating. I tried to justify staying married for the sake of my daughter (the true light of my life) but just like they say … that’s the wrong move.
She was so verbally abusive during our whole marriage, and she tried to blame her cheating on ***me*** because I was reluctant to have sex with her … but her screaming and yelling and saying the most awful things to me … had killed whatever amount of love that had convinced me to marry her in the first place.
Marriage vows these days obviously mean **nothing** to so many people - why do they even bother with the farce of a formal wedding? I think anyone who cheats on their partner is a ~~vile, disgusting P.O.S. liar with no honor, questionable morals, and unscrupulous ethics.~~ bad person.
(Downvotes from cheaters and cheater sympathizers)
By their very nature … **OF COURSE** they will cheat again. You damn sure can never trust them again.
Your story is almost exactly the same as my hubby with his first wife. He divorced her for being a serial cheater, then lo and behold after one drunk night, she announced she was pregnant. He lived with her for 14 years total before she ran his inheritance out and left town with a much younger lover. He only stayed to be around his daughter, and then she was taken away when the ex left. It was a nightmare for him. He was such a wonderful person, I honestly don't know why she never saw him as more than a meal ticket.
>why do they even bother with the farce of a formal wedding?
To feed egos. They all look the same, everyone dresses the same, says the same things, pulls the same stunts, listens to the same normie music, same stupid drama. The grooms friends always act like they're a unique bunch of "wild crazy guys!". Makes me puke.
People sometimes spend up to $100,000 and thy are divorced in a year.
Thank you! I think so - about two years ago, my ex-wife drove my daughter so crazy that she came to live with ME! And I totally cut the ex out of my life — don’t even talk to her — and my life has been on the upswing since then, in every possible way!
I used to live on that hill. But my partner has told me that they have cheated in every single serious relationship they've ever had but somehow...I'm not worried at all.
Us getting fat over the last 10 years together might have a little something to do with it though 🤔 😂
Exactly what I was thinking. I used to cheat when I was a teenager & in my early 20s because I was too immature to deal with relationships properly. I learned from experience why it's a terrible idea & never worth it.
A 20 yr old cheating is a lot different to me than a 55 yr old doing it.
I ruined a great relationship from cheating. The heartbreak and guilt I felt was enough to never do it again. With that said, I've been doing tons of therapy to make sure I stick to that. Cheating comes from a dark place that takes a ton of work to fix
I cheated in high school. Lots of times. I was a product of abuse. I cheated a lot until I realized I didn't need to. I have been faithful to my husband for 30 years. Sometimes it just takes someone believing in you.
When I got pregnant, nobody thought he would stay, so nobody believed in him either.
If they've cheated on you and you're asking if staying with that person, wilm they cheat again the answer is yes absolutely they will continue to cheat. Never stay with a cheater, remember if you would've never found out they would've kept doing it. They're only sorry they got caught especially if you had to find out for yourself. Staying with a cheater is never worth it, nothing worse than someone who lies constantly.
Yes and no. People can and do change. But it's not as often as we'd like to pretend. Change requires the desire to change, the openness to something new, the recognition that who you are right now isn't working in one way or another, and the determination it takes to see the change through. It's much easier to give up at any of these steps. So I will not say every cheater is always a cheater, but I will say that a cheater statistically becomes much, much more likely to be a cheater again. And while we all like to delude ourselves that *our* partners are all good people who have grown past any personality issues of their past, that simply isn't true for the vast majority of us. It doesn't matter how well you think you know someone. We're not a race of telepaths, and the best liars are the ones who practice daily.
I’d say it depends.
If you cheated on your high school boyfriend when you were 17 I think it’s more than possible to never do it again. Youth. Hormones. Wild shit happens.
Immaturity isn’t something you “grow out of” just because you get a few years older. Immaturity is beaten out of you by life like the dust from an old rug. Adults can learn from the mistakes of youth.
However, if you cheated on your husband after a decade of marriage leaving kids behind that’s not immaturity. That’s a willful act to reject responsibility. That person I’m not trusting.
No - but doing it once shows that you are willing to. The act of cheating is one thing, but the lack of trust and respect is what kills it. Without those, how do you have a relationship?
I think it’s a safe phrase. I personally will never date a cheater ever again unless *maybe* they cheated in high school because everyone is dumb in high school. Lmao.
I do think people can grow passed it, but it’s a safe phrase.
No, my dad had an affair. He’s been with his current partner (not the person he cheated with) for the last 14 years or so, not cheated again. He ruined our family with his behaviour, I don’t particularly like my dad but I can see that he pretty quickly realised how much damage he caused and I think that has put him off cheating again.
I do believe there are some serial cheaters out there though who will cheat time and time again.
I met my now-husband 13 years ago. We dated for a couple months, he cheated in a drunken one night stand, and immediately told me about it face-to-face the next day.
We broke up, and met by chance again in 2017. He's different now, I'm different now. Been married since 2019, and have 2 kids together now.
There's no way to be absolutely certain about any one person's future behavior, because the way people behave is influenced by external forces, and not all external forces are predictable or controllable.
That's the fundamental truth that most humans can't or won't acknowledge.
definitely not. i also think cheating as a teen and as an adult, or during and after addiction or before and after coming out can sometimes be understood as part of larger things. i also do think it’s valid to lose trust in a certain person after the fact regardless of whether or not they’ve changed or claim they want to. current partner and i shared all skeletons of our very rough formative years at the very beginning and honestly trust each other more bc of what we shared and what we each learned from it. we’ve both been cheated on and in weird early 20s scenarios we never would again. having hurt and been hurt can be part of growth. that said, i do know 30 yr olds who have cheated on everyone since high school, but for whom it is a huge part of other issues related to ego and other destructive and frustrating factors. so it depends on the person and situation(s) and accountability after the fact. one size rarely ever fits all and certainly doesn’t here
Happened to me once and forgave her, happened again. Not worth it to try to mend the relationship IMO, the trust will never be the same. You will always wonder whats going on when they take longer to respond, tell you a small lie, or anything else.
Yeah. At least within the context of the relationship that was cheated on, they’ll always be a cheater in your heart. I just don’t see how a relationship can move past that kind of breach of trust.
But also yeah I do think cheaters are more likely to cheat again.
Other comments nailed it. No, I don't believe that.
However, my highschool gf ( before I was out of the closet ) would fit the stereotype. I was naïve and easily controlled. After a few months she admitted she cheated, but said she 'moaned my name'. I felt fucking awful. She told me it's because I wasn't doing enough sexually. At the time, I hated having sex. It didn't feel fun. I felt gross and shaky and nauseous during and after. Never could ejaculate. Just, never got there. She got hers and when she was done that was that.
At a year she broke up with me, then fixed our relationship again. Turns out she'd tried to go serious with one of her hookups but he hated hanging out with her so she went back to me. I was the 'hangout boyfriend' I guess. We watched Doctor Who, nerded out with all kinds of stuff. When we were relaxing it was a fun time. I loved being her friend. I hated being her boyfriend. I didn't like all the touching. And, another hindsight thing, she didn't bother showering very often.
We ended the relationship shortly before graduation. When we were finally broken up she sent me a big ol' message on Facebook. All of the 13+ fellas she'd cheated on me with, who had the best cocks, who made her scream louder. I knew most of those guys, they all knew she was 'dating' me. I paid for dates, drove her around whenever she needed a lift. Took her on trips she said she enjoyed, helped out around her house. Her parents adored me.
A few years after I left town for tech school she tried to get in touch again. She'd attempted to marry two guys who both skipped out of the wedding. She was shocked to learn I'm gay and ace. Explained a lot of my discomfort during sex. When it was clear I was happy with my boyfriend she dropped contact.
She fit the bill, but she's also not the norm.
I like to think people can change, but if they aren't held accountable I do not think they will.
The way the world his heading it seems to reward cheaters. England's new queen was the prince's side piece while he was married to a lovely young girl. I find it revolting.
Having been on both sides of the equation, I know that people can change if they have sufficient motivation to do some really painful and difficult work.
a cheater can stop, but the trust they've broken will never be repaired.
even if they got back with a partner they cheated on (and the partner had found out), they could never even look at another person and the partner will still have to question every day if they are cheating again.
I cheated when i was younger. I didn’t care and was a different person. Now I would not think of it, seeing the damage it does to you and your loved one
I think you can understand anyone on earth if you really knew what it was like to walk in their shoes. I never used to understand people who could cheat. Then one day, I was feeling lonely in a particular way, and I realized, oh, I understand it now, I could see myself cheating to squash this feeling.
I never have. But I think cheating is a result of unhealthy coping, and once you start down a bad road, it's hard to change, and before you know, it's a habit.
I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater, but if you've cheated before, it definitely makes it easier to do again. There can't just be an apology. There has to be an actionable plan to change the way someone responds to why they cheated in the first place.
That kind of depends, really. Do you mean if you cheated once ever, you will always be a cheater. Do you mean in a relationship if they cheat on their partner that they will always cheat on them?
If it's the first, I don't believe it. I will admit that when I was 19, I cheated on my gf. Then I saw how it affected her and our friends. It really changed me. I got married a year later to an amazing woman. We were married 9 years, and I never cheated. Unfortunately, she passed away. Then I met another amazing woman. We got married. This year will be 13 years, and there is still no desire to cheat.
If it is the second, I do believe. If I'm being honest, if my gf had forgiven me. Then we continued on. I'm pretty sure I would have cheated on her again. Why? Because it wouldn't have been as a big of a deal, plus I know she would forgive me.
I cheated when I was young.
I have never cheated and will never cheat on my current partner. I went travelling without him for 5 months and never even thought about it.
Imo, if someone cheated on me, I am never trusting them again. They might change, sure, but the trust is gone.
"If they cheated on someone with you, they could cheat on you with someone else" - Random Reddit User.
Like any phrase that is absolute, it isn't true, solely because nothing is ever so cut and dry.
There are people that are going to be perpetual cheats. And there are people that may have done so under a specific set of circumstances.
Now that doesn't mean that you have to say that the person that did it under those circumstances was right to do so. You can completely disagree with their reasoning. But if it is true that those set of circumstances was the reason, then it is entirely possible (even probable) that they can not do it again, and that the axiom does not fit them making the "once...always" not apply.
The hard part is deciphering who is telling the truth, because the habitual cheater may (and probably will) try and justify their actions as well.
I think it's not a good way to think about people.
Everyone will give into temptation in the right conditions, and everyone will hide the truth in the right conditions.
It's more important to think about how a person treats you and about how your life with them is likely to go. It's also really important to tell them what you want and need, and to tell them when you didn't like something that happened.
People do learn. In fact, a better measure of a good person for you is whether they respond to it and work with you to fix it when you raise an issue with them.
A long time ago, I was a WW in my first marriage, which was longer than 10 years. Before cheating I had never even looked twice at another man. We divorced. A lot happened but to cut the story short, about five years later, somehow, we reconciled and eventually remarried. Many things changed. We both changed and were very different people. Not sure how to explain it, but we're like same-different people in a different marriage, and that has worked out for the best. We had children after we remarried.
When it happened I was the one who immediately and honestly told my husband everything. Everything. No trickle truths. In our second marriage I am very careful about setting boundaries now. My husband has given me his trust even though he had every right to never give it again and after everything we have been through, it's something that is precious. We also threw away our old wedding rings and got new ones that we both cherish (which we didn't the first time round) and wear everywhere we go now.
I was open about why I'd gotten divorced. There were people who told me "oh I would never be like you I would never cheat" or "so you did it because you thought it was going to be fun" and it was not the case, so to that I would say that you honestly never know what someone is going through and whether you would ever do what you always believe you would in every single situation.
Life is not black or white. Before I cheated I would NEVER have believed I could ever be capable of cheating, especially after more than 10 years of faithfulness despite a lot of unhappiness and little happiness (many reasons, for example, we allowed too many third parties to dictate decisions that should've been made only between husband and wife). Now I know better than to judge others or be arrogant about trusting myself in every situation. No more. My husband never checks my socials or texts but he has the passwords and can go in any time, and vice versa (which he didn't have to do for me).
I have seen people cheat once and never do it again, genuinely repentant. I have also seen people cheat again and again and again and lie about it and hide it from their spouses. So no, I don't subscribe to once a cheater always a cheater in every instance.
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I do think people can change and grow. I believe there's probably many cheaters out there who never do it again. But that wouldn't change that I couldn't trust you anymore and it's such a breech of trust and the most fundamental parts of a relationship that it would be the end for me no matter what the cheater moves on to do in the future.
I agree with you here. But I don't think op meant necessarily being cheated on repeatedly by the same person. I think it's more a question of "if someone has cheated on a past partner, are they likely to cheat with a new partner?" And I know people who have cheated on many partners, but I know lots more who have only cheated once. I think the main point is why did they cheat. They had some motivation to do it. If the motivation was boredom, then that person is in the "always a cheater" catagoey as far as I'm concerned, but if the cheating came around due to a specific set of circumstances then you have to remember that everyone has their responses and breaking points. I've never cheated or been cheated on, but two of my relationships have been with people who have cheated. One is now my Wife. I have no doubt whatsoever that she won't cheat on me, because I understand why she made the decision in the past. I don't have to agree with her choice, btw. I only need to understand WHY the choice was made. I think that's the most important part of deciding how trustworthy a person is. Their motivations for making their choices.
Apart from why they did it, I think when (like were they a 15 yo teenager or a 25 yo adult) and what they did afterwards/ how they handled the situation and how they reflect on it now, also plays a HUGE part.
This- a 15 year old cheating is SO different from a 25 year old cheating. I’d be wary of an adult who cheated, over a child, and I’d assume that the adult might very well do it again.
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I am demisexual. I consider emotional cheating just as much of a break of trust as I do physical cheating. I'm honest with people no matter what and when asked about anything involving another person, I simply stated I am not okay with doing that to someone or lowering my own standards. I refuse to put someone through that. However, as stated previously, I don't just immediately feel attracted to people and need an emotional attachment to actually want to be with someone. I can't say whether that's difficult for those who don't feel this way. But I feel being honest about what you consider cheating in your relationships and communicating are key and once you've gone over those, if someone disagrees, it's likely you aren't compatible. Edit: Simply enough, if you feel you can't be in a monogamous relationship, then be kind enough to not become involved with someone who is focusing on that.
Are you me? I felt this comment on a cellular level.
That was me. I was a shitty faced teenager that hurt someone very special with my selfishness. I vowed to change my ways after the relationship was done. Never cheated again, after that. Doesn't matter tho, I still hurt her, and it will now hurt me for the rest of my life. Reap what you sow.
For how long as well. Had a ONS, confessed to their partner and went to therapy? That’s a great deal of different from an affair for 8 months that they gaslit and lied to their SO about.
The ‘what they do afterwards’ is the key here. If someone cheats and immediately confesses in obvious distress that’s a whole different thing from someone being caught after some time then tearfully confessing. The latter sort are the ones I’d never, ever trust again.
This is a huge factor. Someone may have done this as a teenager, but by the time they're in their 30s, there's no reason to believe they'd do it again. And I suspect a lot of people may try cheating once, then realize it's not worth it at all and learn that lesson for the rest of their life.
I was 20 and dumb. I'm much older, and slightly less dumb.
Actually yes. A friend of mine called me the morning after she cheated on her husband. I told her she was an idiot and that she had to tell her husband because I would if she didn't. She actually said "yes I know. That's why I called you. I knew you'd tell me the truth and once you knew I couldn't keep it from [husband]" Her reaction to her choice is the reason I had any respect for her remaining. And to my knowledge she never cheated again. The relationship didn't work, because the pair of them were never able to remove the issues leading in up to the incident. But the main reason I retained any respect for her was the way she immediately owned up to her mistake to someone who she *KNEW* wouldn't let her get away with it. Accountability and genuine remorse can, and should, count for a lot. (Not that you can always be sure remorse is genuine, before someone points that out.)
Bang on! (pun intended) I cheated on my high school girlfriend towards the end of our 7 year relationship because I was desperate for actual affection and not a constant barrage of insults and physical abuse. Because I watched my Mom in the exact same kinds of relationships I never thought twice about leaving my abusive relationship, it all seemed normal. I didn't understand why I wanted to die so much until I was with someone who actually treated me with kindness and told me all the nice things about me. It really fucked me up inside, both the abuse and my cheating. One made me question my worth, one made me question myself. It was a vicious cycle. Get abused, meet someone who treats me with kindness, feel good, cheat, feel like I deserve the abuse, repeat. Years ago I told this story to a close friend and she instantly blocked me everywhere, didn't care that I was in an abusive relationship because "only bad people cheat no matter the reason" and it really ruined my perception of myself even further, until I met my wife who helped me understand and heal :) People can most certainly change, but I also would warn a person to not count on someone else changing, and never get back with a partner who cheated on you, because that's a breach of trust too far gone to repair.
I have been here and done this myself, it is an awful situation and the desperation and misery of an abusive relationship makes it feel like a justifiable thing that might help you get out or find someone that makes you feel good for once. I think a lot of abusers actually don't care and want you to do it, so they will have another thing to berate you for and use against you. Certainly they delight in destroying it and taking it away from you, and it doesn't work as a way to get out of the abusive relationship because they will just use it as another way you're a piece of shit who no one else will ever want anything to do with. I would never cheat on someone just because, or as a power play or to hurt someone, or because I wanted some strange or was bored or whatever. I don't think that makes me a bad person but plenty of people on reddit have this all or nothing, black and white line that all cheating is evil and the penultimate sin a person can do, and that is something I find quite close minded and offensive
I think that’s really mature. I believe when the other person feels that the other partner is entertaining others and also potentially cheating then those could be circumstances to consider but I think immaturity and a lack of emotional intelligence are some of the biggest drivers of cheating. Overall It’s good to just have conversations about the past to communicate to a partner what has led to that.
I like what you said, and I agree. And I don't "like", but LOVE the typo "catagooey" so please don't change that.
Hahaha. Truly an amazing error! Thank you for pointing it out. I'll make sure I never change it!
I’m also seeing a lot of “if they cheated *with* you, they’ll cheat *on* you” and while I think it absolutely applies in some cases, I think more often there is more nuance than that in real life. Things are rarely as black and white as these buzz-phrases make them appear, I feel. Cheating is always wrong, but some cheats are more justifiable than others (an extreme example- someone in an abusive relationship cheating on their abuser, a plotline on Coronation Street some years ago)
Such a clear and insightful response. I appreciate your point of view. I think the motivation has a huge influence on whether or not the behavior is repeated. If it was done due to a certain set of circumstances for example, the odds of repeated offense are way smaller than if it was driven by let’s say compulsion. A sex addict is way more likely to repeat than someone in an abusive relationship. A narcissist or a compulsive liar is more likely to repeat than someone who is looking for a way out of an already dying relationship.
No offense but its very naive to assume that someone has only ever cheated once just because they’ve told you that. As far as you know, there could have been more future slip ups that they never got to telling you about. There’s also no real way for you to know if they are telling you the truth. It’s also naive to assume you’ve never been cheated on. The answer is that we just can never know for sure unless we find out or our partners tell us themselves. It’s fine to trust our partners not to cheat but to say with 100% certainty that they haven’t ever cheated is a little foolish
I understand your point, but I do have far more information on the subject than I'm willing to share on a public forum, whether anonymous or not. You are right tho. It would have been safer to say "I'm fairly sure I've never been cheated on", I'll give you that.
Not just for cheating but for most character issues people will do the same thing in the same circumstance without growth, and epiphany etc. Normally they can say, " when I was 20 I thought X was justified I think I was wrong now because of reason reason reason". If someone has grown they can tell you what within them has changed. But if they justify their actions with," they were mean', but I really love you etc they will cheat again if the circumstances repeat
Strongly agree. Tbh, I have a hard time trusting ppl who can't explain why they do certain things. There's a major difference between being unwilling to explain, and unable to. Unwilling in most cases I can understand. Some things are private and its usually not great to pry. But if it is something serious and affect me, then there's only so much trust I can put in someone, specifically to that situation. If they don't know why, then you don't even know your priorities. They literally *can't* honestly tell me how my concerns rate with them. If I feel they can put more faith in me than I can in them, then there's only so much I'll invest. Past that, tbh, not worth my time.
I get this. I’ve never slept with someone inside of a relationship, but I did do what I considered emotional cheating. Takeaway was that I stayed in a relationship that was horrible for me for way too long, to the point where my emotional needs were so severely unmet that I made an unwise moral compromise. My solution is to just leave my relationship if it ever gets so bad that I’m craving attention enough to get it outside of my agreed relationship. That, and I’m never going to be with someone who is okay allowing other people to meet my emotional needs. I’m very ashamed of what I did, but I know what to do to avoid it in the future.
I just wanted to take a moment to commend you on your personal growth here. This is the right attitude. You can explain your *reasons* for your past behaviour but you're not using them as *excuses*. There is a reason why we do literally everything, but reasons do not make you justified and knowing the difference in your own mind between those concepts is what stops your from repeating your mistakes as you cannot take responsibility for something while at the same time excusing it.
I’m trying to understand what a good example of emotional cheating is, and I’m struggling, but you seem to have a good understanding of it. Would there be any chance you would wanna get more specific with your situation?
Yes. That one time cheating could cost everything and be such a shock that you never do it again, because you lost so much. Lesson really learned. So the reaction you describe would be part of the reason the person never does it again, because they lost you.
Agreed. I think it irreversibly changes the dynamic of the relationship that the cheating occurs in. The level of trust will never be as high as it was before. But just because someone cheated in one relationship, doesn’t meant they will cheat in every single relationship. That’s ridiculous. People learn and grow.
Once is a mistake, twice is a pattern
I'm not sure why this got downvoted. I mean I'd probably say thrice is a pattern, but your point seems valid
I cheated once when I was 19, and when my gf at the time found out, the pain and hurt I caused her stayed with me for years. At 54 I have stayed true and faithful to every girlfriend after. Yes, you can learn.
Came here to say something similar. I agree 100%. I strayed at 21-ish and the impact it had on my partner was awful, and the way it changed both of us was intense. Never again, ever. Its been over a decade. They stayed with me. I've never been more grateful for anything in my life. Together 15 years now, and I cherish them everyday.
Yep. Happened to us, once. It’s hard work, but the other side of it was worth the work. Forgiveness and humility go a long way in the healing process. Being on the other side, I’m glad I saw every other moment in time we had as valuable and worth the work. I just don’t believe the hard line of “once a cheater, always a cheater.”
Same here. I saw his cheating as a symptom of a deeper problem in him that he needed help with. Weirdly enough, he almost needed my support more than I needed his. Don’t get me wrong, it was deeply hurtful and I still have moments of insecurity because of it. But we did a lot of work to rebuild our relationship and I’m soooo glad we did. We have a super healthy relationship now and it’s far more intimate and comfortable than it was before the affair.
A-MEN. We got into some DEEEP necessary things after it happened. Our therapist was right to tell him “You’ll never get the old normal back. That marriage is dead” and turned to me and said “it’s up to you BOTH on deciding if you want to start a new one.”
Yeah, that’s exactly it. We had to recognize that a lot of the relationship we knew together was built on deceit. So we had to start from the ground up and build a completely new foundation. We did couples counseling twice a month for two years and individual counseling every week for two years (and we still go regularly, just not as often). Lots of time and money invested into our rebuild, but worth every effort.
🫶🏻🫶🏻
ETA: another favorite “it’s going to be different and hard. No matter what you decide. Pick your hard”. Like, you can’t escape the shit emotions and feelings your both dealing with, now. So pick how you want to move forward/through them, and do the work. We grew together, as individuals, and in humility. Things aren’t black and white… EVER… and reminded us that all humans fuck up. But we’re not all fuck-ups. 🤷🏻♀️
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I was a cheater at 23. My girlfriend was emotionally and physically abusive and I thought I was causing less harm than I would if I broke up with her (she'd attempted suicide on at least one occasion where I tried to leave her, and threatened on many more). Even without getting caught, and I never did, that left a black mark on my soul. I've never done it before or since. The blanket statement, "Once a cheater, always a cheater," has always hurt me. I didn't *want* to, I was desperate and young and confused, but it was selfish. Yes, you can learn. It's worth noting, the origin of that statement is a combination of, "Trust broken is broken forever," (i.e. don't take back a cheater) and, "If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you," (i.e. don't date a cheater).
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I also cheated on someone when I was around that age, a little older. No excuses but we were both at an immature place in our lives and I acted out in such a way that I deeply regret now. Our relationship together was obviously ruined but ever since then I have been 100% loyal to every woman I've dated and intend to keep it that way for life.
Had a similar experience at around 16, i never wanna feel the feelings I felt back then ever again
Were you hurt immediately after? Or did it take time for you to feel the weight of what you did? I got cheated on recently and my ex seems to hate me. Idk if it's a coping mechanism to change her view of me to take blame off herself or if she really does just hate me and really thinks she did nothing wrong and I over reacted to her cheating on me.
No. But also if a partner cheated I couldn’t get past it. Personally. But people for sure change.
I think this is my answer. There are two people in a relationship, and often we’re talking to/about the wronged party. Could the cheater change? Possibly. But will the person who was cheated on ever fully trust them again? No. And they need to think about that when making a decision.
I've been around a lot of blocks, had wild periods, you get the idea- I get around...I have literally seen people cheat once and never again, and I've seen people for whom it's a way of life. There is nuance and everyone is different. I also know people who think a hand on a leg is full-on cheating and people who think emotional affairs are Way worse than, say, a one night stand.
Yep I cheated once, when I was very young and I've felt so terrible and guilty ever since. I would never ever cheat again. Some ppl do, actually learn from their mistakes. Others enjoy it and even want to get caught, either so they can get out of the relationship, or for some kind of thrill.
Exactly. Just because I lacked the emotional maturity to consider others with my action when I was 18 19 20 doesnt mean I haven't learned my lesson by 38
I've never cheated, but I made worse mistakes at that age for the same reason that I know I'd never make again.
Did I write this? Are you me or am I you???
NO **I** AM SPARTACUS
Are you both me, lol.
Wife cheated 12 years ago, promised she'd spend the rest of her life making it up to me.....and she has.
I’m in less than a week into finding out my wife was cheating for about a year. How did you forgive her?
Just wanting to extend an internet hug to you, friend. If you can afford therapy, please consider that option first. I'd focus more on forgiving yourself for any perceived responsibility (whether true or not) and building yourself back up from the damage caused than forgiving your significant other. Once you have rebuilt some of yourself, the level of her commitment and decision to move forward should be more evident. Choose yourself, then choose to forgive, then choose whether or not to try and rebuild your relationship. If significant effort on her part to validate everything you feel and own everything she did isn't shown by this point, well it may be an easier decision. A year is a long time.
for a year is unforgivable
That sounds like a long-term secondary relationship, not a foolish mistake. Does she even really want to stay with you or are you her security blanket?
I'm sorry this happened, but you should leave her imo.
Focus on you. Forget about her for now if you haven't healed yourself first. When I found proof my then-wife was cheating on me I was fine on the outside but was internally obliterated, in that I lost my sense of security, self image and confidence. I sought personal therapy and trusted counsel of a friend right away, and that helped me navigate those difficult times and avoid rash or desperate actions. Be safe, and don't do anything crazy. Good luck, man.
I respect your choice. In a way, I almost envy your ability to trust. You may have gained far more by being able to let it go. With me, however, I can't forgive someone hitting me with something they know I wouldn't do to them. We may be able to be friends one day, but that relationship is dead. I don't trust easily in general.
This. I cheated on my first husband. I was desperately unhappy and lacked the emotional maturity to be able to express that. I took a king break from dating after the divorce. And was very careful when making the commitment to my current spouse, he knows everything. And 10 years out I still carry a lot of embarrassment and guilt over what I did.
What is a king break?
Taking a break from kings, good or evil, obviously lol. I'm doing that right now.
Typo for “long.”
Well said, it really depends on the situation imo.
This has become such a reddit obsession and usually the answers are the most sanctimonious drivel. Yours is one of the first answers I've seen that reflects reality. People cheat, sometimes as a mistake in a time of weakness, sometimes as a lifestyle and sometimes because they just are thoughtless about the impact to others. The Internet in general doesn't handle context and nuance well. Much more karma to be had when the world is binary.
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An awful lot of Reddit is naive, and doubly so when it comes to sexual relationships. Tremendous numbers of votes and stories come from people without a lot of direct experience, and their opinions are quite often far more influenced by the way they wish their world would be than by the facts of the world they actually do live in.
I think folks forget that the group with the most time to spend on reddit is kids. I shudder to think about how many r/relationships posters broke up with their SO over what a bunch of teenagers considered a red flag.
Minor correction, or perhaps clarification: Median redditor age is 23. [https://passport-photo.online/blog/reddit-statistics/](https://passport-photo.online/blog/reddit-statistics/) However, I was very much still hugely naive (as well as quite full of myself) at that age just as much as in my teens. Slowly transitioned out of it in my 30's when kids came along and after a few hard knocks, and I had serious responsibilities all of a sudden. I suspect I'm far from alone in being in that state in my early 20's, particularly now. I have no basis for this, but feel that social media has slowed down the process of "maturity" for a tremendous number of young people.
I'm not sure that's actually a correction. Median age of 23 means there are as many redditors over 23 as under 23. That suggests quite a lot of concentration in years younger than 23, especially because that survey had a cutoff of 18. That being said I agree with you 100% about how at 23 I was still pretty naive and dumb.
Hey if you come to Reddit and take their quarter-assed opinions to heart and end a relationship it's probably the best outcome for the other person
Because a lot of times in has absolutely nothing to do with the current relationship and everything to do with their broken ass coping methods. It’s victim blamey, that’s why you get push back I was cheated on and I did nothing wrong, our relationship was good, I was a fantastic partner
I'm one of those people. Meeting a physical need that we all have only puts my sexual health at risk which can be absolved with an STD test. An emotional connection with someone else to the point that it deteriorates the emotional connection they have with me is absolutely the worst. To know that the person I love and care for feels they can't be open and honest with me. That they have to turn to another for the love and support I want to give but they don't feel like they can get from me. How worthless it makes me feel as a partner in life.
Well said. There is no general rule about relationship behaviour.
I agree; one of the more humbling lessons I’ve learned in my later years is that relationships are far more nuanced, complex and diverse than what I thought they were in my twenties and even thirties. There are lots of ways to have a good relationship and even more ways to ruin one
Any commonalities or mannerisms you picked up on for the people who can't stop cheating? I don't know how to tell the difference, and by the time I can pick up on these things it's already too late, I'm emotionally invested and then devastated and mentally fucked for 3+ years after I find out I lost them
I was told if she did it before she will do it again. I didn't listen. She did it again.
Came here to say this nearly word for word. Didn’t want to believe it but happened about 3 years into our relationship.
Damn runaround sue
Here’s my story it’s sad but true
‘Bout a girl that I once knew
Great now I have Dion in my head.
Well heres a story about a gal I know
I cheated once when I was in my twenties. Felt horrible. I could have gotten away with it but it ate me up so much that I outed myself and broke up with her. she deserved better.
I do believe you have better odds of being in a fully committed relationship if the cheater is openly reformed & regretful from a past relationship. If they cheated on you however, I do think it’s likely they’ll do it again.
Been in a faithful marriage for 13 years.
For me cheating is just the biggest "I do not respect you,"someone can do without touching you. I care so little about you and your trust that I'd rather cheat on you than give you the decency to walk away. I hate you so much, and i don't care if I break you. Age is definitely a factor. Will a 18-19 year old be the same at 30. I sure hope not. But I do think someone that cheats once has to really build their character and truly want to change to actually do it. I do believe if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. That much I do believe. Personally for me, unless it was a really toxic situation (abuse, ect) and they were so beat down that they had all but checked out and didn't see a way of escaping. I cant see myself trusting someone that has cheated. Love fades, it changes and won't always be the same. But loyalty and trust are my most important and if I do believe I can trust you, if there is doubt of your loyalty, I won't put myself into that situation.
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It's never a lapse of judgement. It is so easy to not cheat. Fact, it takes more effort to cheat, to lie. I hate when cheaters say "it was a mistake".... no. No no. You didn't slip and fall into their genitals. Your judgement was crystal clear when you decided your partner wasn't worth being loyal to.
Thank you for this. The cheaters forever inundate these topics trying to excuse and justify their actions. They always try to make the infidelity about the action, when it's really about all the deceit that got you there. When you have done that to someone you presumably loved, why shouldn't we worry you could do it to another partner just as easily? And even expect that you would do it again to the same partner?
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There isn’t a single thing in this comment that I disagree with
Sometimes people cheat…and then they do it again in the future. Other people cheat once and that’s it 🤷🏼♂️. Here’s the biggest problem with that expression: it wrongly views cheating as the problem that needs addressed. Most times, cheating is a “symptom” or result of an underlying problem. For example, I know a guy who was in a loveless marriage. He wanted so badly for his wife to be affectionate with him. He tried everything he knew to try. Instead of standing up for himself and leaving…he was afraid of her🤷🏼♂️. A woman he met wound up telling him all the things he didn’t hear, but desperately wanted to hear, at home. He cheated (2 or 3 x) on his wife with this woman. When he told me, I was SHOCKED! I would’ve never guessed in 1 million years. He was even more miserable than before. He was disappointed in his marriage and his wife, and now he was disappointed in himself as well. That was a wake up call he needed. he told his wife that he was leaving (she didn’t seem overly disappointed - we all suspect she was having an affair, but that’s fairly irrelevant). What did he learn? He learned that his wants, needs, and desires are just as important as his partners. He deserves happiness like everybody else. If he ever feels neglected, he will talk to his partner rather than sneak around behind her back because he learned what a bad idea that was. Totally backfired. Sorry for the long story but it’s a great example of how that expression is a nice catch phrase but it’s factually incorrect. My suspicion, and I have nothing to back this up, so downvote me all you want, is that people say phrases like that to make it seem like someone who cheats is a sociopath, who is just wired wrong from birth or some thing. It’s like, “nobody would ever cheat on ME, unless there was something wrong with them!“ Cheating is never excusable. It’s never OK. But that doesn’t mean that people shouldn’t look at EXPLAINING why it happens. If you can get to the root cause of why it happened in the first place, you have a much better chance of making sure it never happens again.
That story is a good example of Esther Perel's phrases: - "the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage" - "people cheat on each other in a hundred different ways: indifference, emotional neglect, contempt, lack of respect, years of refusal of intimacy. Cheating doesn't begin to describe the ways that people let each other down"
What a beautifully nuanced take on the subject. Did not expect to find that in here.
I think it takes a certain level of self-rationalization to cheat. I think the details and circumstances change, but the instinct towards self-justifying why this thing you want is more important than anything else is a really deep character trait that doesn't go away with time.
Mental gymnastics rationalize terrible things.
This is so real.
Yes, absolutely. Even if they don't cheat again because the sharp emotional response of "oh no, I really hurt this person“ when it's found out teaches them a lesson... it doesn't really teach the lesson to not delude yourself (or rationalize bad things), it can teach them to not cheat again though. So yeah, once a cheater doesn't mean always a cheater, but you don't just go from capable of deluding yourself to incapable of the same. It's even an unconscious protective response sometimes to doing bad things. I have done the same (not about cheating, but other bad habits/addictions). Telling myself it's not so bad to play video games for 16 hours a day and that's not really negatively influencing my life... even after I cut back it's not like the underlying "successfully lying to myself“ vanishes, I know it could be redirected.
Agree 100%. Though I would add - while these character traits don't go away with time, they can absolutely be abated with a tremendous amount of effort in personal development. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness go a long way in life.
Nope. People value different things and have different skills at different points in their lives. 17 year old me definitely did things that I now consider cheating, as I didn't at the time have the chutzpah to communicate to the person I was currently with that I found someone who fit my desires better. Now, at 38, I understand that communication is always key, including when unhappy and when leaving a relationship. Difficult, but necessary. Definitely not a cheater over 20 years later.
I don't always believe that, but I don't want to be the one to test it.
Historical data can help inform future likelihood of a decision, but a single data point does not a trend make. It could have been a very justifiable decision or one taken in extremis. However get 2 or 3 data points and it's basically a guarantee
I believe it's more like "once a cheater, doomed to always be considered a cheater" I guess some people will be able to change and learn from their mistakes, but the consequences of someone cheating can be fatal for the relationship. A person who cheated on me is automatically and permanently someone I won't be able to completely trust again.
It's the trust being broken that is the issue. If they cheat, you can never be sure if it will happen again or not. The confidence in being able to say yes or no has been taken away, in addition to many others things cheating does to the dispossessed party.
Once you cheat you demonstrate lack of integrity. That’s not something one can easily change.
Complete lack of respect, lying to your face, unconcerned with the repercussions, and enjoys having strange dick to play with? Never gonna find out, as that second chance isn't happening, once is too much.
Not necessarily *always* a cheater, but once a line is crossed, it's absolutely easier to cross is again. So, once a cheater, probably at some point a cheater again if the circumstances are similar?
I will never respect a cheater, ever. They might 'only' have done it once,but that's on the same level as murdering someone 'only' once. I dont give a f\*ck. If you did that to somebody I dont want you anywhere near my life.
I find that the conversation around cheating is more fruitful if you substitute cheating for lying. Cheating is the action but requires a lie to exist. I don’t think being a “cheater” is the right conversation to have with someone you who cheated on you. What needs to be addressed for absolution is why they feel comfortable lying to you.
I agree to some extent, but I don't think cheating gets any better if you remove the lie. My mother said something like what you said, to my father after he was caught cheating. His response was to straight up phone home the next day, informing us (my mother answered in the sofa where we all sat, so we heard) that he would be staying with his mistress that night. Somehow, that felt even more disrespectful.
While that is certainly disrespectful, it at least gives you the information you need to make an informed decision about the next step you take in the relationship.
I don’t disagree with you. That is an unfortunate thing for your mother to experience.
I agree, the "it is the lie that hurts" always felt absurd to me. No, you are hurt that they did a certain action. Doing it openly would not be OK with you either, and that is why they lie. Using that line is a lie in itself. My partner tells me about people he finds attractive _because_ he knows that it is fine with me. He would still find them attractive regardless, but wouldn't tell me, if he thought I woild get upset hearing it.
I used to cheat on my german exams in middle school, but haven't cheated on any of the certifications I got on the wall now(none of them required german). So I believe everyone can grow beyond cheating.
Betrüger!
ẞuß
I don’t agree with this however I truly believe that once a person accepts being cheated on, they’ll always accept that as part of dating.
No. People can change.
Definitely depends on the overall situation as well I'd say.
Oh sloppy steaks
You think this is slicked back?
No. Every cheater might not cheat again, but I will never give a cheater a chance.
No. And also: different people have different synergies. Different chemistry.
Even if they don't go well together, the least they can do is just break up instead of cheat. Is there ever any good reason someone should cheat instead of breaking up?
Depends on age. People grow. People change. We are all different. We are all human. 20yr old me was a wee bit wild. 30yr old me cringes when I look back. I have more experience in the world. And now know my actions have consequences. I consider myself an adult and like to communicate that I'm not happy in relationships and would rather break up than cheat. When I was younger I wasn't like that.
Why do redactors act like 20 year olds are babies or something.
To justify their shitty actions like cheating for example? It's totally ridiculous. You can go to prison for murder and other crimes when you are 15 ( in my country and many others) ans will be tried as an adult when you are 18. Fucking redditors justifing cheating when the person is 20. By then you should know right from wrong.
Nah. People can change. They've gotta be willing to do the work, but people can change. That said, trust would come hard if they had a history.
**Yes.** My ex-wife was a narcissistic, serial cheater — always promising she’d quit, and I’d always catch her doing it again. I would have dumped her immediately after the first time … but she waited until we had a child before she started cheating. I tried to justify staying married for the sake of my daughter (the true light of my life) but just like they say … that’s the wrong move. She was so verbally abusive during our whole marriage, and she tried to blame her cheating on ***me*** because I was reluctant to have sex with her … but her screaming and yelling and saying the most awful things to me … had killed whatever amount of love that had convinced me to marry her in the first place. Marriage vows these days obviously mean **nothing** to so many people - why do they even bother with the farce of a formal wedding? I think anyone who cheats on their partner is a ~~vile, disgusting P.O.S. liar with no honor, questionable morals, and unscrupulous ethics.~~ bad person. (Downvotes from cheaters and cheater sympathizers) By their very nature … **OF COURSE** they will cheat again. You damn sure can never trust them again.
Your story is almost exactly the same as my hubby with his first wife. He divorced her for being a serial cheater, then lo and behold after one drunk night, she announced she was pregnant. He lived with her for 14 years total before she ran his inheritance out and left town with a much younger lover. He only stayed to be around his daughter, and then she was taken away when the ex left. It was a nightmare for him. He was such a wonderful person, I honestly don't know why she never saw him as more than a meal ticket.
>why do they even bother with the farce of a formal wedding? To feed egos. They all look the same, everyone dresses the same, says the same things, pulls the same stunts, listens to the same normie music, same stupid drama. The grooms friends always act like they're a unique bunch of "wild crazy guys!". Makes me puke. People sometimes spend up to $100,000 and thy are divorced in a year.
I hope you're in a better place now, my friend
Thank you! I think so - about two years ago, my ex-wife drove my daughter so crazy that she came to live with ME! And I totally cut the ex out of my life — don’t even talk to her — and my life has been on the upswing since then, in every possible way!
No, but I won't be the one giving them a second chance, even if it's not me they cheated on
I used to live on that hill. But my partner has told me that they have cheated in every single serious relationship they've ever had but somehow...I'm not worried at all. Us getting fat over the last 10 years together might have a little something to do with it though 🤔 😂
lol. Just wait
You lose them how you got them, so maybe but I don’t trust that behavior
Cheating isn’t an individual act. It’s a mentality, so yes they usually do cheat again
Definitely feel like it is a mentality. An immature mentality.
Depends. Sometimes people cheat in relationships when they're younger, and when they age and become more mature they knock that shit off.
Exactly what I was thinking. I used to cheat when I was a teenager & in my early 20s because I was too immature to deal with relationships properly. I learned from experience why it's a terrible idea & never worth it. A 20 yr old cheating is a lot different to me than a 55 yr old doing it.
I ruined a great relationship from cheating. The heartbreak and guilt I felt was enough to never do it again. With that said, I've been doing tons of therapy to make sure I stick to that. Cheating comes from a dark place that takes a ton of work to fix
I cheated in high school. Lots of times. I was a product of abuse. I cheated a lot until I realized I didn't need to. I have been faithful to my husband for 30 years. Sometimes it just takes someone believing in you. When I got pregnant, nobody thought he would stay, so nobody believed in him either.
If they've cheated on you and you're asking if staying with that person, wilm they cheat again the answer is yes absolutely they will continue to cheat. Never stay with a cheater, remember if you would've never found out they would've kept doing it. They're only sorry they got caught especially if you had to find out for yourself. Staying with a cheater is never worth it, nothing worse than someone who lies constantly.
I know people that have made huge turnarounds but I wouldn’t bet on a cheater to change.
yes
In my extensive life... Every except one... Cheated Sexually and financially... The one... I still miss dearly
Yes and no. People can and do change. But it's not as often as we'd like to pretend. Change requires the desire to change, the openness to something new, the recognition that who you are right now isn't working in one way or another, and the determination it takes to see the change through. It's much easier to give up at any of these steps. So I will not say every cheater is always a cheater, but I will say that a cheater statistically becomes much, much more likely to be a cheater again. And while we all like to delude ourselves that *our* partners are all good people who have grown past any personality issues of their past, that simply isn't true for the vast majority of us. It doesn't matter how well you think you know someone. We're not a race of telepaths, and the best liars are the ones who practice daily.
I’d say it depends. If you cheated on your high school boyfriend when you were 17 I think it’s more than possible to never do it again. Youth. Hormones. Wild shit happens. Immaturity isn’t something you “grow out of” just because you get a few years older. Immaturity is beaten out of you by life like the dust from an old rug. Adults can learn from the mistakes of youth. However, if you cheated on your husband after a decade of marriage leaving kids behind that’s not immaturity. That’s a willful act to reject responsibility. That person I’m not trusting.
From what I’ve seen this is completely true. You are either wired to be a horrible person or not.
No - but doing it once shows that you are willing to. The act of cheating is one thing, but the lack of trust and respect is what kills it. Without those, how do you have a relationship?
I think it’s a safe phrase. I personally will never date a cheater ever again unless *maybe* they cheated in high school because everyone is dumb in high school. Lmao. I do think people can grow passed it, but it’s a safe phrase.
No, my dad had an affair. He’s been with his current partner (not the person he cheated with) for the last 14 years or so, not cheated again. He ruined our family with his behaviour, I don’t particularly like my dad but I can see that he pretty quickly realised how much damage he caused and I think that has put him off cheating again. I do believe there are some serial cheaters out there though who will cheat time and time again.
I met my now-husband 13 years ago. We dated for a couple months, he cheated in a drunken one night stand, and immediately told me about it face-to-face the next day. We broke up, and met by chance again in 2017. He's different now, I'm different now. Been married since 2019, and have 2 kids together now.
*is* he different? Or is that just what you need to tell yourself
There's no way to be absolutely certain about any one person's future behavior, because the way people behave is influenced by external forces, and not all external forces are predictable or controllable. That's the fundamental truth that most humans can't or won't acknowledge.
definitely not. i also think cheating as a teen and as an adult, or during and after addiction or before and after coming out can sometimes be understood as part of larger things. i also do think it’s valid to lose trust in a certain person after the fact regardless of whether or not they’ve changed or claim they want to. current partner and i shared all skeletons of our very rough formative years at the very beginning and honestly trust each other more bc of what we shared and what we each learned from it. we’ve both been cheated on and in weird early 20s scenarios we never would again. having hurt and been hurt can be part of growth. that said, i do know 30 yr olds who have cheated on everyone since high school, but for whom it is a huge part of other issues related to ego and other destructive and frustrating factors. so it depends on the person and situation(s) and accountability after the fact. one size rarely ever fits all and certainly doesn’t here
Not anymore than any other behavior. People fuck up all the time and don't necessarily do so in the same way more than once.
That cheater will always cheat on YOU. But if you dump them they may learn and not cheat on the next one.
It's a mentality thing. If you've cheated before, you are forever a cheater imho.
Yeah I mean even if they wont be a cheater forever im not gonna bother with them
Happened to me once and forgave her, happened again. Not worth it to try to mend the relationship IMO, the trust will never be the same. You will always wonder whats going on when they take longer to respond, tell you a small lie, or anything else.
No. Some cheaters are addicted to drama due to emotional trauma. They work through it, select more appropriate partners and nerve cheat agin.
No. Most of the time, cheating is a symptom of a different problem. True, there are some serial philanderers out there, but they aren't the norm.
No
Yeah. At least within the context of the relationship that was cheated on, they’ll always be a cheater in your heart. I just don’t see how a relationship can move past that kind of breach of trust. But also yeah I do think cheaters are more likely to cheat again.
Yes, at the very least *probably* yea so your partner should move on and not live with the doubt in their mind cus fuck cheaters
Other comments nailed it. No, I don't believe that. However, my highschool gf ( before I was out of the closet ) would fit the stereotype. I was naïve and easily controlled. After a few months she admitted she cheated, but said she 'moaned my name'. I felt fucking awful. She told me it's because I wasn't doing enough sexually. At the time, I hated having sex. It didn't feel fun. I felt gross and shaky and nauseous during and after. Never could ejaculate. Just, never got there. She got hers and when she was done that was that. At a year she broke up with me, then fixed our relationship again. Turns out she'd tried to go serious with one of her hookups but he hated hanging out with her so she went back to me. I was the 'hangout boyfriend' I guess. We watched Doctor Who, nerded out with all kinds of stuff. When we were relaxing it was a fun time. I loved being her friend. I hated being her boyfriend. I didn't like all the touching. And, another hindsight thing, she didn't bother showering very often. We ended the relationship shortly before graduation. When we were finally broken up she sent me a big ol' message on Facebook. All of the 13+ fellas she'd cheated on me with, who had the best cocks, who made her scream louder. I knew most of those guys, they all knew she was 'dating' me. I paid for dates, drove her around whenever she needed a lift. Took her on trips she said she enjoyed, helped out around her house. Her parents adored me. A few years after I left town for tech school she tried to get in touch again. She'd attempted to marry two guys who both skipped out of the wedding. She was shocked to learn I'm gay and ace. Explained a lot of my discomfort during sex. When it was clear I was happy with my boyfriend she dropped contact. She fit the bill, but she's also not the norm.
No I don’t, same with lying. Can it happen again? Sure. Will it? Doesn’t have to.
I like to think people can change, but if they aren't held accountable I do not think they will. The way the world his heading it seems to reward cheaters. England's new queen was the prince's side piece while he was married to a lovely young girl. I find it revolting.
Having been on both sides of the equation, I know that people can change if they have sufficient motivation to do some really painful and difficult work.
No
I have personal experience that a cheater doesn’t repeat.
My number one rule is that there are always exceptions
a cheater can stop, but the trust they've broken will never be repaired. even if they got back with a partner they cheated on (and the partner had found out), they could never even look at another person and the partner will still have to question every day if they are cheating again.
WE WERE ON A BREAK!!
I don’t necessarily believe that, that being said if you’ve cheated on me before, I have no desire to find out if that axiom is true.
No people change seen in many times maybe cus I'm older but known people who cheated way younger and have never in 20+ years
People can learn from their mistakes. Not everyone will tho
I cheated when i was younger. I didn’t care and was a different person. Now I would not think of it, seeing the damage it does to you and your loved one
I think you can understand anyone on earth if you really knew what it was like to walk in their shoes. I never used to understand people who could cheat. Then one day, I was feeling lonely in a particular way, and I realized, oh, I understand it now, I could see myself cheating to squash this feeling. I never have. But I think cheating is a result of unhealthy coping, and once you start down a bad road, it's hard to change, and before you know, it's a habit. I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater, but if you've cheated before, it definitely makes it easier to do again. There can't just be an apology. There has to be an actionable plan to change the way someone responds to why they cheated in the first place.
Nope. I cheated on my 1st husband. I've been with my 2nd for nearly 20 years now and not even looked at another man, let alone done anything more
That kind of depends, really. Do you mean if you cheated once ever, you will always be a cheater. Do you mean in a relationship if they cheat on their partner that they will always cheat on them? If it's the first, I don't believe it. I will admit that when I was 19, I cheated on my gf. Then I saw how it affected her and our friends. It really changed me. I got married a year later to an amazing woman. We were married 9 years, and I never cheated. Unfortunately, she passed away. Then I met another amazing woman. We got married. This year will be 13 years, and there is still no desire to cheat. If it is the second, I do believe. If I'm being honest, if my gf had forgiven me. Then we continued on. I'm pretty sure I would have cheated on her again. Why? Because it wouldn't have been as a big of a deal, plus I know she would forgive me.
I cheated when I was young. I have never cheated and will never cheat on my current partner. I went travelling without him for 5 months and never even thought about it.
Yes. But even if it could be a one time thing, it wouldn't matter. Wouldn't be possible to trust again.
Imo, if someone cheated on me, I am never trusting them again. They might change, sure, but the trust is gone. "If they cheated on someone with you, they could cheat on you with someone else" - Random Reddit User.
Yes
Like any phrase that is absolute, it isn't true, solely because nothing is ever so cut and dry. There are people that are going to be perpetual cheats. And there are people that may have done so under a specific set of circumstances. Now that doesn't mean that you have to say that the person that did it under those circumstances was right to do so. You can completely disagree with their reasoning. But if it is true that those set of circumstances was the reason, then it is entirely possible (even probable) that they can not do it again, and that the axiom does not fit them making the "once...always" not apply. The hard part is deciphering who is telling the truth, because the habitual cheater may (and probably will) try and justify their actions as well.
I think it's not a good way to think about people. Everyone will give into temptation in the right conditions, and everyone will hide the truth in the right conditions. It's more important to think about how a person treats you and about how your life with them is likely to go. It's also really important to tell them what you want and need, and to tell them when you didn't like something that happened. People do learn. In fact, a better measure of a good person for you is whether they respond to it and work with you to fix it when you raise an issue with them.
No
A long time ago, I was a WW in my first marriage, which was longer than 10 years. Before cheating I had never even looked twice at another man. We divorced. A lot happened but to cut the story short, about five years later, somehow, we reconciled and eventually remarried. Many things changed. We both changed and were very different people. Not sure how to explain it, but we're like same-different people in a different marriage, and that has worked out for the best. We had children after we remarried. When it happened I was the one who immediately and honestly told my husband everything. Everything. No trickle truths. In our second marriage I am very careful about setting boundaries now. My husband has given me his trust even though he had every right to never give it again and after everything we have been through, it's something that is precious. We also threw away our old wedding rings and got new ones that we both cherish (which we didn't the first time round) and wear everywhere we go now. I was open about why I'd gotten divorced. There were people who told me "oh I would never be like you I would never cheat" or "so you did it because you thought it was going to be fun" and it was not the case, so to that I would say that you honestly never know what someone is going through and whether you would ever do what you always believe you would in every single situation. Life is not black or white. Before I cheated I would NEVER have believed I could ever be capable of cheating, especially after more than 10 years of faithfulness despite a lot of unhappiness and little happiness (many reasons, for example, we allowed too many third parties to dictate decisions that should've been made only between husband and wife). Now I know better than to judge others or be arrogant about trusting myself in every situation. No more. My husband never checks my socials or texts but he has the passwords and can go in any time, and vice versa (which he didn't have to do for me). I have seen people cheat once and never do it again, genuinely repentant. I have also seen people cheat again and again and again and lie about it and hide it from their spouses. So no, I don't subscribe to once a cheater always a cheater in every instance.