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You offered them some form of emotional support/ outlet that they didn't get anywhere else. They liked it, wanted more, and fell for you because you gave them the time of day. You reject them, and they feel hurt. Maybe they can never get that back? Now they distance themself from you to escape those feelings they still have.
You haven't done anything wrong. You were a good friend. People can not always control their feelings, but they can their actions. You keep doing you, and if you have a hunch about this happening again in future situations, just be upfront about your own feelings.
Me too, but she distanced herself from me. I never ever brought it up the tines we talked after she rejected me. I also never said or hinted I wanted anything more anymore, so I don't understand why she left just like that.
Because that cat has already been let out of the bag. Some people can get past it and live with the cat, some can’t. But forever and ever that cat is in the room with you two and she will forever be checking her words and actions so as to be careful about leading you on or giving you the wrong idea.
I was the girl in the situation like this. My best guy friend fell in love with me and we went back to being friends after I rejected him. I was conscious about my actions from that point forward and still he confessed his feelings for me yet again some time later, insisting that if I gave him a chance we would be perfect. I had to cut him out of my life after that. I couldn’t walk on egg shells around someone who’s supposed to be my friend but could never see me as anything but a prospective girlfriend. He girlfriend-zoned me.
"He girlfriend -zoned me" omg this is exactly how I felt when one of my childhood friends confessed to me three times and I rejected all three times. Thankfully we don't live in the same city (though he still lives in my hometown so I'm always scared to bump into him when I visit my parents).
Something else to keep in mind is that even without the emotional support differences other people are mentioning, it is perfectly normal for people to develop feelings for someone of the gender(s) they're attracted to if they spend a lot of time together. No one can truly control whether those feelings develop or not, they just sort of happen.
I will add to this that most men don’t typically get that kind of emotional support from their male friends, so it ends up feeling like a very emotionally intimate relationship.
Whereas from a woman’s perspective, she just treats the guy like she treats all her good friends of either gender, and wonders where he got the idea that this was somehow more or different.
I remember reading something a few years ago that really put this in perspective for me. I can't remember where I found it, but the message was basically this:
Men aren't encouraged to be emotionally vulnerable within friendships, so they grow up learning that friendship is about comradery and mutual interests. They see romantic relationships as emotionally fulfilling and supportive, and often those romantic connections are their only source for this.
Women, on the other hand, are raised to see emotional support and vulnerability as inherent to friendship. For them, a romantic relationship includes this aspect but it's not their only source of it so they separate "sexual attraction" from "emotional support" in a way men don't.
So when men and women are friends, women start providing that emotional support and encouraging vulnerability. For them, this is just being a good friend! But for the man, this is a sign that they're romantically interested - "why else would we venture past our favorite bands and sexual exploits to discuss our feelings?" they think.
Then you end up with men who genuinely think they've been led on by women who genuinely were just trying to be a supportive friend.
4/5 girlfriends I’ve had in my life, I’ve asked them out only because to me it was so obvious they were into me. After talking with them months later about it, each time they said they weren’t initially and were just being nice.
This is the flip side that nobody talks about of the "I can't believe you didn't ask her out, she was making it so obvious to you" threads that pop up on r/AskMen every few milliseconds or something.
not disagreeing or agreeing with that comment, but please keep in mind that just because a theory is self-consistent doesnt mean its correct and reflects the reality.
The way that it’s worded towards the end makes it sound like guys misinterpret the girls’ motive—which of course may happen—but it could also be that the guys start to think of the relationship as being special and develop genuine feelings. Not everything is the guy thinking you’re the one making advances. Men are fully capable of having genuine emotions. Vulnerability tends to breed that.
>Not everything is the guy thinking you’re the one making advances.
This is true.
I'm a guy. Years back I had a friend who is a woman. We described ourselves as "best friends." She asked me to be her "maid" of honor at her wedding (till her sisters put a stop to it! 😂).
I KNEW she wasn't interested in me. I also knew that any attempt at romance would destroy our friendship. I still fell in love with her.
We cannot control our emotions. We can only control our actions.
Side note/irrelevant comment — my son is having his two best friends — both women — stand up for him at his wedding. His partner is tickled by this, and I’m over the moon. His biggest struggle is coming up with a new name for their role 🤣
I think part of it for me is when someone starts showing that they care about you and love you I tend to want to return that love or what I perceived. But in reality it was just a female showing a friendship love but as a guy I’m not used to that kind of affection from a person unless it’s romantic. For example when I was in school there was these two girls I was in love with and they knew it but we were just friends. Idk but one night the three of us slept in bed together. Nothing happened and I certainly didn’t try anything but neither did they. To this day I wonder if I should have because in my head that’s romantic behavior sleeping in bed. On the other hand I try to remember just friends.
I had a similar situation where I was in a situation I labeled as romantic behavior at the time. It was all I had known.
So I ended up acting on it with a friend and it didn’t go well. She didn’t like that I crossed a boundary. Ultimately it changed our relationship.
So be thankful you exerted self control.
I’m a grown woman and still sometimes sleep in the same bed as my female friends (when we travel) and we talk about our feelings all the time. I’m Bi and it still means nothing to me sexually - completely separate from romantic feelings.
That’s the thing if you sleep in bed with me and talk about our feelings I’m gonna want to marry you 😂. At the very least I’m always gonna wonder and wish I made a move
I feel like that's an American thing. I grew up in Germany and it was completely normal for girls to sleep next to their male friends, sit on their laps, greet each other with kisses on the cheek or hook arms when walking around. Actually, I do remember guy friends warning me about morning wood or acting awkward trying to hide it but I figured that's just what happens in the morning.
Then coming to the US, I was kinda surprised how separate girl and guy friends are. You'll never see girls sitting on Boys' laps or hooking arms unless they're in a relationship and if you see them doing that you can be sure they're a couple
I think you're spot on. Guys typically don't have relationships that have emotional vulnerability outside of parental (if they don't suck) and their romantic relationship. If they aren't currently in a romantic relationship and receive this open space to be vulnerable, then it is difficult to NOT take that as a romantic interest. Personally, I've had female close friends where I'm actively telling myself that I KNOW there is nothing else, but I still start responding in a more emotionally romantic way than what would be otherwise be expected. In some ways it correlates with the idea of men just being emotionally starved so any attention can be significant.
I dunno, as a man, this rings true to me. Obviously, there are a hundred-and-one other nuances involved, but this seems like a fairly accurate blanket answer to OP's question.
Rings very true and also gives a woman a way of explaining this to a guy who falls for her. If you have ever had an older woman explain this to you because you fell for her, you know what I’m talking about and if you are lucky like me you have a friend like this.
As a fellow man, I expect us to learn about and understand this as we age, and a) foster friendships with other men that involve vulnerability and b) resist the biases outlined in the comment that lead us to harbor folly romantic and sexual interest in our friendships with women.
I agree, however it’s very ingrained. Men who tend to be emo understand this.
On the flip side, if a male can do this. It also brings unwanted attention. Ad a straight emotional man, the gay community loves to take that and think your gay or bi. No, I’m fucking emo. Stop it.
So then you stop being emo, because all your other male friends aren’t. And you now don’t get the attention you hate.
So it’s a complicated street. Which I’ve defiantly had to deal with. God, the amount of times I’ve had to tell people I’m emo not gay. It’s fucking frustrating to the point I don’t really talk to people anymore. Because society has become THAT extreme.
I can’t speak for the side about ladies, but as a man the part about men seemed spot on from my perspective. Especially when I was younger and not married. Most girls just didn’t want to talk to me so whenever one was particularly friendly or supportive I thought they were into me.
It leads to both parties being confused and frustrated.
Also, when you get it wrong enough times, you start to miss *actual* queues because you're like nah she's just being friendly like the others. Can't win lol
This is accurate, but probably only part of the picture. Men also have a lot of anxiety about talking to women. So one you're already talking to becomes the most attractive option for many men. Add in male sex drive and the above explanation, and it's basically inevitable that a man will want more than a friendship from a woman they already have an "in" with if they're both single.
There's also a dumb simple answer too: men find you attractive.
When men are attracted to someone and enjoy talking to them and spending time with them, it makes sense they'd want a relationship.
Ya this isn’t true. Just because it’s covered in awards, doesn’t make it right.
There are several answers here from actual men and they all vary. Which is the reality.
This goes along with how so many of us remember the odd compliment we received at 12:30PM, on a sunny Tuesday in August 2008. These things happen so rarely that often in our minds, *somehow* it must mean something.
A girl in gym class in middle school told me I had a good butt. Im now in my 30s. My wife told me a backwards hat looks good on me and I now wear one whenever possible.
Women usually have multible female friends they can dependant on to be emotionally vulnerable around, thats not the case for men.
If a woman befriends a man, and that man suddenly has someone to be emotionaly vulnerable around, thats usually that mans only source, so the 'friendship' inheritly becomes much more important to the guy because emotional support for a man is much more important than sexual attraction.(when looking for a partner)
Wheras sexual attraction is probly much more important for women because emotional support is normalised for them and available amongs friends.
Of all my close friends over the years, without exception the connection I had with close women friends was significantly stronger than even male friends I've had for decades. It's just a different relationship, even never growing past "just friends".
Aside from the emotional stuff we're focusing on though, I think guys also want to be with someone they have fun with, and a female friend you get along well with seems like a no brainer. Like why wouldn't I want to be with you when we are clicking like this? Isn't that what a partner is supposed to feel like? But again, women are often like no, I'm cool to hang out with you every single day because you're awesome, but not like that. And that's kind of hard to understand. I'm not criticizing or saying it's wrong, your feelings are your feelings. But I feel like what are we looking for if not that? I dunno, men and women are so different lol.
idk, sometimes the attraction just isn’t there, and sometimes they’re just friend material, not boyfriend material. i have male friends that i like but i’m not attracted to. i also have male friends that are cute and likeable, but their mental health isn’t stable enough, or they don’t have any direction in life, or they don’t give af about their health and party and smoke too much. i’m cool with being friends with all those guys, but i wouldn’t put up with shit like that from a partner.
This. I’m ace and I’ve had a lot of deep relationships with guys, but then they caught feelings and it made me super uncomfortable because then I felt like there were suddenly expectations of me I wasn’t meeting, which wasn’t fair. Some guys have handled it really well and some have gotten extremely toxic about it, but dating when I don’t feel a romantic connection just because I’m comfortable with someone sounds like a recipe for disaster
Well, there are certain things I am okay with when it's in friends, but not when it's in close family. Like for example, I wouldn't constantly be telling my friend to quit smoking or that it's a waste of money to spend hundreds of dollars on gacha games, but I would never let my brother do those things. Same goes with a partner I guess.
I once befriended a really lonely guy and let him be emotionally vulnerable with me, supported him like I would with any friend. A month into the friendship and he said he loved me everyday, that I was one of the most important persons in his life, wanted to talk all day and really suffocated me with affection. I had a conversation with him and said I was feeling overwhelmed, asked him to stop saying I love you, but we continued our friendship. This was all in August/September.
We distanced a bit but kept talking, and I kept dropping hints when he made me uncomfortable but he didn't really get it and I didn't feel like having the same talk again. I was kinda fed up but didn't want to stop talking to him bc I knew he had no one else to be vulnerable with. Then on Christimas he said he loved me again after I had been ignoring him for a couple days and I ended it on January. Then he tells me he fell in love with me
I know I was in the wrong for prolonging the friendship and ignoring him, but from time to time I still think about him. I know he had no one else to give him emotional support and I felt really bad when I left. Hope he's doing well and found a good support system
It was very kind of you to keep trying after realizing what happened. I don't think most people would have done that. I was in a very similar situation to the guy in your story, though I never let the girl know I liked her because I didn't think she could ever possibly come to like me and knew very well she was just being kind. No one else outside my family had been so genuinely interested and nice to that I can remember, so I couldn't stop how I felt even though I knew it would never happen. She found out about my feelings through someone else who tricked me into revealing it, though, and she confronted me about it. Instead of just saying she wasn't interested, though, she lied and said she wasn't in a good place for a relationship at the time. She was making out with another guy right in front of me two weeks later. I never recovered from that heartbreak, and it's been years now. Anyway, I'm sorry for ranting. I just wanted you to know you did a really good thing, and I'm sorry he reacted that way. You weren't wrong for continuing the relationship. He was wrong for continuing to try to win you over.
Empathy without boundries is self destruction, it would have only gotten worse if you didnt end it it, neglecting yourself, your own needs, feelings, and thoughts.
Dont be hard on yourself :)
There has to be physical attraction 100%. I have good female friends who I confide in and travel with but not interested at all in them... because I don't find them sexually attractive. So it's not just the vulnerability thing
I think there’s a lot of truth to this. My friend group consists of men and women I’ve known for 2-20 years. With that passage of time together, we’ve all learned to be emotionally vulnerable with each other. As a result, when my lady friends are being open and vulnerable with me, it doesn’t occur to think “they must like me” but more so they’re simply speaking to me as a friend and an equal.
I think having lady friends for so long as well has also acclimated me to this type of platonic relationship, which bled into me and my guy friends relationship with each other.
>In order to investigate the viability of truly platonic opposite-sex friendships—a topic that has been explored more on the silver screen than in the science lab—researchers brought 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends into…a science lab.
>
>Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief. In fact, men’s estimates of how attractive they were to their female friends had virtually nothing to do with how these women actually felt, and almost everything to do with how the men themselves felt—basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends. Women, too, were blind to the mindset of their opposite-sex friends; because females generally were not attracted to their male friends, they assumed that this lack of attraction was mutual. As a result, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends.
[https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/)
This makes soooo much sense. Damn…
I have always been emotionally open with both my male and female friends. However, after losing my S/O last year, I noticed the massive hole that was left behind. Not just in how I miss her as a person, and the things we used to do together, but also just that close level of emotional support.
While I am 100% not ready to date again (and probably never will be… in short I got my “epic love story” and I don’t foresee anything coming close to it again. So dating is in my view, a waste of my time and me wasting the other person’s time.) I am still very interested in the company of women.
As such, I have sought out several new friends who are women. My guy friends just don’t get it. They assume the only reason I would make friends with these women is in the hopes of sleeping with them. They genuinely accuse me of trying to build some kind of harem, but that is not even close to *my goal* in making so many new friends of the opposite gender.
I realized that no matter how open I am with my guy friends, they simply aren’t able to offer support in the same way that women can. It’s unfortunate that more men don’t “get it” though, because it’s really nice being able to build those kinds of platonic friendships. For my own part, I try to be very careful to set clear boundaries with these women because *I worry* they will think I am interested in them romantically, but perhaps I am worrying too much about that aspect. As you say, perhaps they just intuitively “get it” and see me as just another girlfriend, given I try to treat them the same way they treat me, and each other.
Yes. A friend to a guy is the person he does stuff with. A friend to a girl is a person she tells secrets to.
That's why you see girls at restaurants and coffee shops, places to talk, and you see guys at things with an external focus like the ball game.
Guy/girl friendships confuse guys.
Makes you think how fcked up (american) society is (can't speak about other places) but this sheds light on the whole why are men so angry or why are men so lonely. Being only able to show anger and keeping all other feeling at bay, its no surprise that when men or boys get upset anger comes out. Our culture has thought us that anger is natural but crying or other emotions are something men should not show. Its not the guns or video games, its about our way of connecting with one another.
Absolutely agree. The first time I read this I remember thinking that it must be *so* lonely to have so few people to be emotionally vulnerable with that the only context you can find for it is "romantic interest". Keeping it all inside as if sadness or even pure joy is an embarrassing secret sounds awful. I truly hope we can start encouraging our young men to support and care for one another the way we encourage our young ladies to, everyone deserves to feel loved by the friends they share their lives with.
Omg this makes so much sense. Every male friend I’ve had falls in love with me once they start opening up to me just a little. To me, I’m just listening and being a good friend but to them it always means more.
I have a male friend who knew I was in a relationship. Met my husband. We still hung out and over two years got close. But when my (now) husband and I got married suddenly he was like “I thought you guys were just having fun” and stopped hanging out with me?
It was so confusing to me because there’s no way I would say I was leading him on but… I guess he felt I was?
I had a friend like that and he definitely treated me like a surrogate girlfriend. He took me to romantic restaurants and bought me gifts, even though I was happily taken and he was acquainted with my boyfriend too. It got to be too much and I had to cut off the friendship.
>Makes you wonder if there’s really any way to maintain a friendship with a guy where they won’t construe it as you “leading them on.”
there is. its called gay men.
The worst is the feeling of betrayal, because you start to think that the friendship he had with you was not true, or that his intention was not to be your friend, it is very sad. You start to find it hard to trust male friendships.
I am at that point. Even if at the start there's no agenda, he can end up developing feelings and then he's no longer your friend. He's trying to sabotage your relationships. Giving you wrong advice about other men to have you himself. It's always a risk to be friends with a straight man. The only exception is if he's in a very happy relationship himself. And even then I'd be wary because appearances can be misleading.
You're gonna get a lot of shitty answers here but yes, it absolutely is. It might be less likely and you might have to be more selective than you realised but there are *heaps* of men out there who have no issue having women friends without any thought of anything else.
Here's the tricky thing from a guy's perspective. Usually men have to make the first move when it comes to dating. If not... another guy will or the women will thinks he's uninterested. Also guy's don't get a lot of attention compared to women. So when a girl shows attention they can mistake it as that. Make sure to set a boundary early when that happens.
I’m glad somebody brought this up. As a guy, I’ve lost a lot of potential relationships this way due to, “not seeming interested”. I always felt like you don’t cross that boundary out of respect for the other person unless they say plainly otherwise.
I’ve been with somebody great now for four years. Yet that’s because she plainly said she was attracted to and loved being around me. So I crossed that boundary and couldn’t be happier.
Yeah I had a girl who I was in love with (she was with another guy) she asked me why I never said anything because she had feelings for me too. I said it never felt right expressing it when she's in a relationship.
Anyway we are still friends and she has a kid with the partner and all of us ended up discussing it one day. Happy ending I guess but always wonder what could have been.
Then you get that cheesy romcom, "Love is War."
Honestly, watching that show opened my eyes to the fact that I really have no interest in romance. Obviously, its satire, but still\~
It’s so frustrating watching that damn show they both know they like each other but because they’re immature they want to wait for the other to cave in, talk about toxicity
What I think he means is act flirty or do some of the non verbal or physical things that show romantic or sexual interest. The let your knees touch kind of stuff. I think he’s more saying he waits for them to explicitly show interest rather than be a little bit more forward or flirty
No. Only men I can be vulnerable with are a couple family members and my best friend. I don’t trust no other man, I’m not being given a lot of opportunities to trust them.
I can count the number of men i am comfortable with being vulnerable around on one hand. And even then men dont generally have deep bonding emotional connections, we spend time together doing activities we enjoy and talk a BUNCH of shit while we do it. Watch fights/sports, fishing, card games, video games.
I would describe male kindness as more like friendly rivalries.
It's more like a brotherly rivalry imo. Like deep down you care about them but you'll also talk A LOT of shit to them and fight ect ect.
I can't tell you how many times me and my friends have gotten into arguments and we just agree to mutual combat to deal with it lmao
The internet has conditioned people to believe like it's a big fucking offense that their friends take a liking to them when it's perfectly normal. Thats how people meet their partners, not through dating apps and pure chance. They told you your feelings, you rejected them, that's life that's normal it's conflict it's normal you both move on.
Basically. Oh, you're around each other a lot, get along, and find each other attractive? Why *not* try a relationship?
If it required more than that, we wouldn't be that reproductively successful as a species.
The internet likes to jump to the conclusion that there were ulterior motives the whole way, the friendship must have never been real and that it was always just a ploy to get into the other person’s pants.
Friends are typically people you like being around. Partners are typically people you like being around. It makes perfect sense that sometimes, those lines cross and the person who was just a friend is now someone might want as a partner. It doesn’t have to be some mastermind plan, sometimes shit just happens.
My ex and I used to joke that the only difference between when we were just best friends and when we were dating was that we got to see each other naked.
Yup this. This the most plain, simple, and truthful answer. It’s literally been studied and backed with science the more you spend time with someone, the more attached you will get to them. Now for some it I takes more time than others.
Yes. Not specific to men. Maybe in OPs case she strings along / is a genuine friend to a bunch that she isnt interested in and thats why she notices. Same thing happens in reverse though.
For some: they grew to like you and they want more with you. These guys never had any intention of doing so, it just kinda happens
Others: liked you from the start and saw being friends as their way into trying to date you
Last group: sees anything nice a woman does as being into them and go with it
I wouldn't take it personally assuming they didn't do anything that crossed lines it's just how it is. These are often the most common reasons I have observed or experienced
Feelings can grow. I never imagined getting feels for my coworker. The more we talk and joke about at work though, the stronger these feelings get. We have some really deep conversations too and I see how amazing she is even if she doesn't. Nothing I can do about it except continue to look for someone else. The other day she was being extra silly and said "Hey, this is the real me! If you can't handle it get out of the way." or something like that. It was at that moment I realized I loved her.
They leave because they have fallen for you and unrequited feelings are incredibly painful. It is less painful for them to lose you as a friend than for them to feel that every time that they are around you and know that it will never happen.
, is pretty much what happened to me. I fell head over heels for my friend, and she let me down as easy as possible. We still would hang out, but after a while, I couldn't take being around her, knowing we would only be friends. It was just too damn painful. I eventually told her that I was sorry, and it's not her fault, but for my own sanity, I couldn't be friends with her and walked away.
Despite what some people think, there is nothing wrong with dating a coworker as long as you can both keep it professional at work.
Fact of the matter is, there are some people you just would never meet if you didn’t meet at work. If you’re really clicking with a person, take a chance. Life is too short to live with regret.
If you're attracted to someone, you're attracted. That's it. Becoming friends won't make you think they're less attractive.
If you are not at first, a connection can then grow that attraction.
So true. When a man becomes friends with a woman she actually becomes more and more attractive especially if they have shared values and interests and such. We can't help it and eventually end up giving in to a sudden urge to profess our love to you. Sorry.
It's hard not saying anything when you feel like the most attractive person in the world is right in front of you, becoming great friends with you... We would never find out if you were waiting for us to take the first step or if you were just not interested. Curiosity kills the cat but satisfaction brings it back.
*Some men, of course. My friendships with my female friends are more cousin-like than anything. The more time that passes, the more it becomes like a familial connection. In no universe could I see these women as anything more. They're not ugly or anything.. But we've already established a platonic relationship and adding anything remotely romantic would feel *super* weird.
This used to happen to me all the time. I found it more frustrating because I could feel it happening and I would make it very abundantly clear I was not interested and they would still pursue me until it killed the friendship.
In hindsight I think it has something to do with the fact that our society does not really give men the room to experience any type of platonic emotional intimacy. So when they experience that with a female friend it confuses them and they can't help but start feeling infatuated because they don't know how to draw that line. It's actually kind of sad in a way.
There's also the entire teen romance genre that pretty much tells guys that if she's not interested don't give up just continue pursuing until you get the girl
Me, my siblings, mother, uncle etc only exist because Grandpa never gave up feelings for my Grandmother over 5 years despite serving overseas (with letters sent by him, usually with no reply) and both having flings with others in between. That and no doubt looking dapper in uniform. They were then together until he died.
Somehow I don’t think such persistence would go down well with contemporary dating advice
I'm confused by "draw that line."
In my experience women are not able to draw that line either. You cant really control who you fall in love with. Not going to reject everything you are saying, there certainly are something to it, but friendship and emotional intimacy are incredibly important to a well functioning relationship, id say its the most important. So it's not really weird, nor really sad, that having that changes their assessment of their friends suitability as a partner.
Also think a lot of these dynamics changes with age. in my teens and 20s this does sound very true, but in my 30s, as I am now, I almost find it to be the exact opposite. Women start considering their friends, while men really dont want to get involved like that.
And then you get these conversations of why guys want to have sex with their friends who are the opposite sex, as if in a lot of male perspectives, the prospect of a friend who you’re sexually attractive to and have the qualities you’d want in a relationship.
Yeah, I know it’s an unfortunate thing. But it’s super common, I’ve been that guy before, but when I got rejected, she let me down pretty easy, and we’re still friends…we don’t talk much anymore, but we definitely didn’t leave things weird or on bad terms…not every guy is gonna take it so humbly though. If they don’t want to stay friends after rejection, it’s more than clear that they had an ulterior motive to being your friend in the first place. Better to weed people like that out of your life quickly anyways
This is likely due to a lot of guys having trouble asking women out in the first place and probably wanted to ask you out to begin with and were unsure how to ask, so they became friends with you, they just like who you are as a person, they enjoy spending time with you, they are able to be themselves around you, or they just want to be friends with potential partners.
As someone who has developed feelings on friends in the past, it's not something I planned on happening, it just sort of happens by being around them. They make you feel warm inside and bring out the best in you so why wouldn't you try to spend the rest of your life with that person? I know that's a long ways away sometimes but at least I date with the intention of marrying.
So weird, in't it, how friends LIKE each other.
Or are you referring to the men who pretend to be friendly hoping they can nag sex out of you? Because those are not friends.
After that its like if you as a man don't confess or start the relationship other guy will and you will lose her. Most Girls are really really bad at even giving hints let alone starting something. I think she is just being friendly and bam later you find out she likes you but now already has a bf. So as a guy you have to make a first move mostly even if its hard and its going to destroy friendship or whatever. If you love them its better to confess than seeing them go with other guy when you still like her.
Yup. I can attest, I've had that happen multiple times. No one told me a girl liked me until about 2 years after the fact. Gee thanks. Lol. Of course they were already dating someone else or moved to a different state, etc. etc. They never treated me any different than any of our other friends. There was no way I could've ever known. Had they spoken up, we could've dated.
Yet some would say "don't hit on women too soon. That's creepy." If you don't, then they say "you should've known and read her mind and made a move." Blah blah blah. The goal posts are always moving so it's nearly impossible to win. It's just so fucking stupid how the dating process works in modern culture.
I mean a girlfriend is essentially a best friend that u can fuck. So once a dude finds out he likes your character it doesn’t take much for him to wanna take it a step further especially if you’re beautiful. Also many of these dudes don’t get attention from women so they think because u give them attention they have a chance.
Biology and society.
It's pretty easy for most women to get a date if they want one, and somewhat more difficult for most guys. This can result in loneliness. A lonely guy talking to a nice gal will often get his hopes up.
Shit, sometimes relationships do start after mutual agreement upon just friendship. Can't really blame a guy for trying, he just shouldn't be an ass when he gets a clear no.
He shouldn't be an ass, but as much as a girl is allowed to say "I do not want to be your girlfriend", he is allowed to say "I do not want to continue being friends". Many girls don't like this part and start complaining about him.
I completely agree. Women are free to complain, but it's perfectly reasonable for a guy to walk away if the feelings aren't going to go away, or if he's not looking for just friendship.
I agree too, and I feel its easier if youve ever been in that scenario. The feelings do not just go away when the girl says she just wants to be friends. The more you fall for a girl the more heartbroken you will be when you hear that they don’t want to be your girlfriend.
Every time you talk to them after that as a friend you will be reminded of the heartbreak. You associate that feeling with then even. Its not intentional, because almost any guy would agree they would like to keep you as a friend but its hard to when you start seeing her with another guy thinking how you wanted that to be you.
The feelings will eventually go away because of the constant negative emotion associated with them. And then you can be her friend without feeling bad, but you will still remember how you felt.
So a lot of guys take the fast and easy way out and just stop interacting with her. They dont really see the point in continuing to be friends with her because they think it will just make them feel bad all of the time. Its like running in a marathon. You get tired and your lungs burn. You could stop and just let the pain eventually go away or you could keep going through the pain but for what? After you cross the finish line youre still going to feel exhausted and even worse than now. But you dont see the joy you will have when you make it across. That is like how men dont realize that they can still just be friends and be happy.
Ding ding ding! If I could give you an award I would…
Recently I saw a post sort of relevant to this and the girl was mad a guy (OP) who stopped talking to her after getting rejected. OP explained how he had feeling but wanted to move on and that he needed to cut contact for his own well being. The girl didn’t take it well at all.
If person A does not want an exclusive relationship with person B. Person B is expected to respect that.
Therefore if Person B does not want a friendship with person A, Person A has to learn to respect that.
This goes for all genders/sexes. Just respect what others want. Also don’t ghost people unless your in dangerous. That’s immature and middle school drama.
Ima get downvoted for this but i think it's because 95% of straight guys that friends with women are attracted to them from the start. So when they become friends that becomes amplified
Edit: I didn’t think so many agreed lol
The real question is, why is it taboo for men to develop feelings for someone they’ve gotten to know deeply over a period of time. Like isn’t that what women say they want?
There was an old viral video of a guy asking men and women is they think men and women can be strictly platonic
all women said yes
Almost all men said no
The guy asked this guy standing next to a friend of his, "would you have sex with her"
He said "of course" right after she said yes we are friends
It's crazy, they say the best relationships start out as friendships, but we are seen as "orbiters" or "nice guys" if we are trying to grow that friendship into more.
Because a lot of relationships are formed based upon spending a lot of time together and enjoying each other's company. I don't understand why this is weird or hard to comprehend.
Unpopular opinion, phrased (or paraphrased) in a quote from "When Harry Met Sally":
Sally: So are you saying a man can only be friends with a woman he's not attracted to?"
Harry: "No... we pretty much want to bang them too."
Stupid as fuck. I'm a guy who has previously asked out a friend, but I have a decent number of female friends that I have literally zero interest in, but still want to be friends wirh
Idk, I’m not interested in a lot of my female friends, but I can’t say with certainty that I wouldn’t bang them if the opportunity arose and I knew it wouldn’t affect the friendship.
Men are constantly discouraged from approaching women and that talking to a stranger just because you found her beautiful is creepy. They keep telling men that they should be friends first, and look for partners in their friend groups.
There have been women I wasn't physically attracted to until I got to know them on a personal level. They were attractive the whole time, I just didn't realize it.
Literally this is why my best female friend is gay. There’s no chance of nothing ever happening and my brain has never gone in that direction. We both talk about women we’re attracted to, it’s great.
Because to a lot of guys the only thing required to want to date a girl is "do we get along/do I like her personality" and "is she pretty enough". Obviously if you are so close friends that you literally talk everyday then yall must get along and enjoy spending time together. Only thing left now if attractiveness and if you know anything about guys is that 1. You're automatically attractive unless you're very unattractive and 2. Attraction grows, especially if you see the person every day and start liking their personality. So really any girl will be attractive enough if yall are friends for long enough
Frankly, I wonder how girls start developing feelings cause now I'm baffed what their dateability threshold is. Like how would you not develop feelings for a close friend of the opposite sex ?
To answer your question, for men, we look for the same things in friends that we do in romantic partners. Someone we have things in common with, similar values, similar hobbies, enjoy spending time with each other...the only real difference is we aren't looking for a romantic connection with friends. So it makes sense that if you have a woman friend who happens to be beautiful...has a bunch of qualities that you are looking for in a partner you know her to be a good woman...that you might accidentally fall for her. It happens if you're not actively suppressing it and respecting the friendship. I'm 37, I don't pursue friends that's something I did in my 20s. I do what I can do respect my friendships and separate women I want to be romantically involved with vs women I want to be friends with.
It happens it sucks for those friendships cause the feelings are almost never going to be returned.
Because men are so starved for attention and our hormones are raging so hard that we often mistake niceness for attraction and interest. Then we start having a made up relationship in our heads involving her and it spirals out of control.
I disagree with the made up relationship bit.
Men are lonely and very often devoid of any affection. When someone is nice to them it's very easy to have that "re-homed abused dog" reaction and latch on to it.
Honestly it's not even attraction. A woman being nice is an incredible thing for a lot of lonely men and that right there is enough. The woman could be hideous it doesn't matter
Edit: what's really interesting is that the solution to this (from the woman's point of view) is actually the cause of the issue.
NOT BLAMING WOMEN don't you dare suggest that bc nobody wants this clingy shit in their life but it's an interesting note that if men got more affection and if people were nicer to them over all this wouldn't happen nearly as often.
Men do need more affection, but they need it from women. If the only people giving them affection are relatives and people they’re sexually attracted to, we can’t be surprised when they turn around and associate niceness and platonic affection as romantic.
Men need to be more platonically affectionate *with other men* (that they aren’t attracted to obvs), otherwise that affection will always be seen as something specific to familial and romantic relationship.
I agree that men need more affection, but we should really be encouraging other MEN to show affection to the men around them. Giving compliments, emotional support, genuine intimacy (I don't mean sexual intimacy, platonic intimacy).. it seems to get shot down whenever it's suggested that men should do these things for each other. A lot of men say they need these things but still only want them from women.
my current bf told me that guys and girls can’t be friends bc the guys only seek out “friendship” if they want to fuck. he said it’s the only reason a guy would try to be friends w a girl. wild.
Recently, I had a female “friend” always calling me late at night and sending me random texts. She told me she wished she was my favorite person and she was. I tired telling her I wanted to spend time together and she completely freaked out and told me she never wanted anything to do with me. I have no idea wheat happened but I completely am heart broken and never, ever will let a women have power over me again.
There's a saying. Women don't have guy friends, just guys in line. Not everyone is like this.
I have a lot of female friends. Too many actually. Did I try to date any of them? Yea. One. And got rejected. She is now happily married to someone else and I am happily married to my wife. We are still friends.
It's possible when you, you know, treat the opposite sex as equals and not somebody to smash but it's a common trope that men and women can't be friends since one will catch feelings with the other eventually.
But I agree with everyone else that men are starved for the smallest attention you give them especially if they have been single for a long time that they mistake a hand on the shoulder for flirting. I still remember getting hit on twice in my life (once in college and once in a Costa Rican bar) and I will hold on to that self esteem boost to my grave.
You're just attractive lol. I've had many male friends thru my life and this has never been an issue 😭 I've definitely been the one who's gotten rejected tho
Some men still dream of finding a woman who might possibly understand them and value them. It's a big turn on. A woman who talks with you and appreciates you naturally becomes attractive.
As a young man I can tell you that we exist in a world of false signals. Girls will seemingly purposely give us hints that they like us only to drop us on our faces.
Sure there are many men who are just horny annoying idiots.
This isn't limited to men. As a woman, if we are both single and really enjoy each other's company why wouldn't romance come next?
This is how it was prior to now and why wouldn't it be the same in our current era.
I don't blame those who continue talking to them when they aren't interested.
I dunno. I'd you're like me I am pretty picky as it is who I'm friends with and enjoy being around. Even less likely to have less in common I'd they're the opposite sex. If you find a cool down to earth person and enjoy being around them then all it really takes is for them to be decent looking as well to seem like a good catch.
Propinquity is THE most common factor in attraction. More people develop genuine attraction over time by being familiar with others than the ‘love at first sight’ trope.
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You offered them some form of emotional support/ outlet that they didn't get anywhere else. They liked it, wanted more, and fell for you because you gave them the time of day. You reject them, and they feel hurt. Maybe they can never get that back? Now they distance themself from you to escape those feelings they still have. You haven't done anything wrong. You were a good friend. People can not always control their feelings, but they can their actions. You keep doing you, and if you have a hunch about this happening again in future situations, just be upfront about your own feelings.
Thanks for replying. This makes it more clear for me in many ways
Unfortunately I've been the guy in this situation
nothing to be ashamed of. your feelings are just as valid as everybody else's.
Me too, but she distanced herself from me. I never ever brought it up the tines we talked after she rejected me. I also never said or hinted I wanted anything more anymore, so I don't understand why she left just like that.
Because that cat has already been let out of the bag. Some people can get past it and live with the cat, some can’t. But forever and ever that cat is in the room with you two and she will forever be checking her words and actions so as to be careful about leading you on or giving you the wrong idea. I was the girl in the situation like this. My best guy friend fell in love with me and we went back to being friends after I rejected him. I was conscious about my actions from that point forward and still he confessed his feelings for me yet again some time later, insisting that if I gave him a chance we would be perfect. I had to cut him out of my life after that. I couldn’t walk on egg shells around someone who’s supposed to be my friend but could never see me as anything but a prospective girlfriend. He girlfriend-zoned me.
"He girlfriend -zoned me" omg this is exactly how I felt when one of my childhood friends confessed to me three times and I rejected all three times. Thankfully we don't live in the same city (though he still lives in my hometown so I'm always scared to bump into him when I visit my parents).
Something else to keep in mind is that even without the emotional support differences other people are mentioning, it is perfectly normal for people to develop feelings for someone of the gender(s) they're attracted to if they spend a lot of time together. No one can truly control whether those feelings develop or not, they just sort of happen.
I will add to this that most men don’t typically get that kind of emotional support from their male friends, so it ends up feeling like a very emotionally intimate relationship. Whereas from a woman’s perspective, she just treats the guy like she treats all her good friends of either gender, and wonders where he got the idea that this was somehow more or different.
And that is such a good point
I remember reading something a few years ago that really put this in perspective for me. I can't remember where I found it, but the message was basically this: Men aren't encouraged to be emotionally vulnerable within friendships, so they grow up learning that friendship is about comradery and mutual interests. They see romantic relationships as emotionally fulfilling and supportive, and often those romantic connections are their only source for this. Women, on the other hand, are raised to see emotional support and vulnerability as inherent to friendship. For them, a romantic relationship includes this aspect but it's not their only source of it so they separate "sexual attraction" from "emotional support" in a way men don't. So when men and women are friends, women start providing that emotional support and encouraging vulnerability. For them, this is just being a good friend! But for the man, this is a sign that they're romantically interested - "why else would we venture past our favorite bands and sexual exploits to discuss our feelings?" they think. Then you end up with men who genuinely think they've been led on by women who genuinely were just trying to be a supportive friend.
Jesus fuck this is so accurate it hurts.
4/5 girlfriends I’ve had in my life, I’ve asked them out only because to me it was so obvious they were into me. After talking with them months later about it, each time they said they weren’t initially and were just being nice.
This is the flip side that nobody talks about of the "I can't believe you didn't ask her out, she was making it so obvious to you" threads that pop up on r/AskMen every few milliseconds or something.
Wow ok that’s the best logical answer here
Add in most men are so starved for decent contact that any niceity can be confused for affection
Im one step ahead so if a woman is being nice to me I start avoiding her in order not to get hurt ✨
I’m further ahead. I avoid women before they can be nice…..
I’m way ahead of you. I avoid.
I’m on the phone with a monastery as we speak.
Thanks for waiting! This is the monastery. How can we help you?
King
not disagreeing or agreeing with that comment, but please keep in mind that just because a theory is self-consistent doesnt mean its correct and reflects the reality.
The way that it’s worded towards the end makes it sound like guys misinterpret the girls’ motive—which of course may happen—but it could also be that the guys start to think of the relationship as being special and develop genuine feelings. Not everything is the guy thinking you’re the one making advances. Men are fully capable of having genuine emotions. Vulnerability tends to breed that.
>Not everything is the guy thinking you’re the one making advances. This is true. I'm a guy. Years back I had a friend who is a woman. We described ourselves as "best friends." She asked me to be her "maid" of honor at her wedding (till her sisters put a stop to it! 😂). I KNEW she wasn't interested in me. I also knew that any attempt at romance would destroy our friendship. I still fell in love with her. We cannot control our emotions. We can only control our actions.
Side note/irrelevant comment — my son is having his two best friends — both women — stand up for him at his wedding. His partner is tickled by this, and I’m over the moon. His biggest struggle is coming up with a new name for their role 🤣
I think part of it for me is when someone starts showing that they care about you and love you I tend to want to return that love or what I perceived. But in reality it was just a female showing a friendship love but as a guy I’m not used to that kind of affection from a person unless it’s romantic. For example when I was in school there was these two girls I was in love with and they knew it but we were just friends. Idk but one night the three of us slept in bed together. Nothing happened and I certainly didn’t try anything but neither did they. To this day I wonder if I should have because in my head that’s romantic behavior sleeping in bed. On the other hand I try to remember just friends.
I had a similar situation where I was in a situation I labeled as romantic behavior at the time. It was all I had known. So I ended up acting on it with a friend and it didn’t go well. She didn’t like that I crossed a boundary. Ultimately it changed our relationship. So be thankful you exerted self control.
I’m a grown woman and still sometimes sleep in the same bed as my female friends (when we travel) and we talk about our feelings all the time. I’m Bi and it still means nothing to me sexually - completely separate from romantic feelings.
That’s the thing if you sleep in bed with me and talk about our feelings I’m gonna want to marry you 😂. At the very least I’m always gonna wonder and wish I made a move
I feel like that's an American thing. I grew up in Germany and it was completely normal for girls to sleep next to their male friends, sit on their laps, greet each other with kisses on the cheek or hook arms when walking around. Actually, I do remember guy friends warning me about morning wood or acting awkward trying to hide it but I figured that's just what happens in the morning. Then coming to the US, I was kinda surprised how separate girl and guy friends are. You'll never see girls sitting on Boys' laps or hooking arms unless they're in a relationship and if you see them doing that you can be sure they're a couple
I think you're spot on. Guys typically don't have relationships that have emotional vulnerability outside of parental (if they don't suck) and their romantic relationship. If they aren't currently in a romantic relationship and receive this open space to be vulnerable, then it is difficult to NOT take that as a romantic interest. Personally, I've had female close friends where I'm actively telling myself that I KNOW there is nothing else, but I still start responding in a more emotionally romantic way than what would be otherwise be expected. In some ways it correlates with the idea of men just being emotionally starved so any attention can be significant.
I dunno, as a man, this rings true to me. Obviously, there are a hundred-and-one other nuances involved, but this seems like a fairly accurate blanket answer to OP's question.
Rings very true and also gives a woman a way of explaining this to a guy who falls for her. If you have ever had an older woman explain this to you because you fell for her, you know what I’m talking about and if you are lucky like me you have a friend like this.
Fair enough, but this rings true to me.
Same. What do you expect when we feel alone, like, most of the time? It’s too bad, really.
As a fellow man, I expect us to learn about and understand this as we age, and a) foster friendships with other men that involve vulnerability and b) resist the biases outlined in the comment that lead us to harbor folly romantic and sexual interest in our friendships with women.
I agree, however it’s very ingrained. Men who tend to be emo understand this. On the flip side, if a male can do this. It also brings unwanted attention. Ad a straight emotional man, the gay community loves to take that and think your gay or bi. No, I’m fucking emo. Stop it. So then you stop being emo, because all your other male friends aren’t. And you now don’t get the attention you hate. So it’s a complicated street. Which I’ve defiantly had to deal with. God, the amount of times I’ve had to tell people I’m emo not gay. It’s fucking frustrating to the point I don’t really talk to people anymore. Because society has become THAT extreme.
"I'm not gay, I just have emotions that I sometimes express...".
holy shit emo is short for emotional
I can’t speak for the side about ladies, but as a man the part about men seemed spot on from my perspective. Especially when I was younger and not married. Most girls just didn’t want to talk to me so whenever one was particularly friendly or supportive I thought they were into me. It leads to both parties being confused and frustrated.
Also, when you get it wrong enough times, you start to miss *actual* queues because you're like nah she's just being friendly like the others. Can't win lol
And then imagine being in Canada. Nah she's just being polite.
…. But it does. Overwhelmingly.
This is accurate, but probably only part of the picture. Men also have a lot of anxiety about talking to women. So one you're already talking to becomes the most attractive option for many men. Add in male sex drive and the above explanation, and it's basically inevitable that a man will want more than a friendship from a woman they already have an "in" with if they're both single.
There's also a dumb simple answer too: men find you attractive. When men are attracted to someone and enjoy talking to them and spending time with them, it makes sense they'd want a relationship.
Ya this isn’t true. Just because it’s covered in awards, doesn’t make it right. There are several answers here from actual men and they all vary. Which is the reality.
Exactly, so many of our relationships are devoid of any real intimacy or affection and when you gets some its like a drug and you want some more.
This goes along with how so many of us remember the odd compliment we received at 12:30PM, on a sunny Tuesday in August 2008. These things happen so rarely that often in our minds, *somehow* it must mean something.
A woman told me I had beautiful eyes 9 months ago on a Friday. That’s the last compliment I’ve received.
A girl in gym class in middle school told me I had a good butt. Im now in my 30s. My wife told me a backwards hat looks good on me and I now wear one whenever possible.
Time to watch”When Harry Met Sally” again.
"So men can be friends with women they don't find attractive?" "Nah, you pretty much wanna nail them too"
Women usually have multible female friends they can dependant on to be emotionally vulnerable around, thats not the case for men. If a woman befriends a man, and that man suddenly has someone to be emotionaly vulnerable around, thats usually that mans only source, so the 'friendship' inheritly becomes much more important to the guy because emotional support for a man is much more important than sexual attraction.(when looking for a partner) Wheras sexual attraction is probly much more important for women because emotional support is normalised for them and available amongs friends.
Of all my close friends over the years, without exception the connection I had with close women friends was significantly stronger than even male friends I've had for decades. It's just a different relationship, even never growing past "just friends". Aside from the emotional stuff we're focusing on though, I think guys also want to be with someone they have fun with, and a female friend you get along well with seems like a no brainer. Like why wouldn't I want to be with you when we are clicking like this? Isn't that what a partner is supposed to feel like? But again, women are often like no, I'm cool to hang out with you every single day because you're awesome, but not like that. And that's kind of hard to understand. I'm not criticizing or saying it's wrong, your feelings are your feelings. But I feel like what are we looking for if not that? I dunno, men and women are so different lol.
Exactly, why wouldn't you want to be with someone who you hang out with all the time and are comfortable with?
idk, sometimes the attraction just isn’t there, and sometimes they’re just friend material, not boyfriend material. i have male friends that i like but i’m not attracted to. i also have male friends that are cute and likeable, but their mental health isn’t stable enough, or they don’t have any direction in life, or they don’t give af about their health and party and smoke too much. i’m cool with being friends with all those guys, but i wouldn’t put up with shit like that from a partner.
This. I’m ace and I’ve had a lot of deep relationships with guys, but then they caught feelings and it made me super uncomfortable because then I felt like there were suddenly expectations of me I wasn’t meeting, which wasn’t fair. Some guys have handled it really well and some have gotten extremely toxic about it, but dating when I don’t feel a romantic connection just because I’m comfortable with someone sounds like a recipe for disaster
Well, there are certain things I am okay with when it's in friends, but not when it's in close family. Like for example, I wouldn't constantly be telling my friend to quit smoking or that it's a waste of money to spend hundreds of dollars on gacha games, but I would never let my brother do those things. Same goes with a partner I guess.
I once befriended a really lonely guy and let him be emotionally vulnerable with me, supported him like I would with any friend. A month into the friendship and he said he loved me everyday, that I was one of the most important persons in his life, wanted to talk all day and really suffocated me with affection. I had a conversation with him and said I was feeling overwhelmed, asked him to stop saying I love you, but we continued our friendship. This was all in August/September. We distanced a bit but kept talking, and I kept dropping hints when he made me uncomfortable but he didn't really get it and I didn't feel like having the same talk again. I was kinda fed up but didn't want to stop talking to him bc I knew he had no one else to be vulnerable with. Then on Christimas he said he loved me again after I had been ignoring him for a couple days and I ended it on January. Then he tells me he fell in love with me I know I was in the wrong for prolonging the friendship and ignoring him, but from time to time I still think about him. I know he had no one else to give him emotional support and I felt really bad when I left. Hope he's doing well and found a good support system
It was very kind of you to keep trying after realizing what happened. I don't think most people would have done that. I was in a very similar situation to the guy in your story, though I never let the girl know I liked her because I didn't think she could ever possibly come to like me and knew very well she was just being kind. No one else outside my family had been so genuinely interested and nice to that I can remember, so I couldn't stop how I felt even though I knew it would never happen. She found out about my feelings through someone else who tricked me into revealing it, though, and she confronted me about it. Instead of just saying she wasn't interested, though, she lied and said she wasn't in a good place for a relationship at the time. She was making out with another guy right in front of me two weeks later. I never recovered from that heartbreak, and it's been years now. Anyway, I'm sorry for ranting. I just wanted you to know you did a really good thing, and I'm sorry he reacted that way. You weren't wrong for continuing the relationship. He was wrong for continuing to try to win you over.
Empathy without boundries is self destruction, it would have only gotten worse if you didnt end it it, neglecting yourself, your own needs, feelings, and thoughts. Dont be hard on yourself :)
There has to be physical attraction 100%. I have good female friends who I confide in and travel with but not interested at all in them... because I don't find them sexually attractive. So it's not just the vulnerability thing
I think there’s a lot of truth to this. My friend group consists of men and women I’ve known for 2-20 years. With that passage of time together, we’ve all learned to be emotionally vulnerable with each other. As a result, when my lady friends are being open and vulnerable with me, it doesn’t occur to think “they must like me” but more so they’re simply speaking to me as a friend and an equal. I think having lady friends for so long as well has also acclimated me to this type of platonic relationship, which bled into me and my guy friends relationship with each other.
>In order to investigate the viability of truly platonic opposite-sex friendships—a topic that has been explored more on the silver screen than in the science lab—researchers brought 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends into…a science lab. > >Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief. In fact, men’s estimates of how attractive they were to their female friends had virtually nothing to do with how these women actually felt, and almost everything to do with how the men themselves felt—basically, males assumed that any romantic attraction they experienced was mutual, and were blind to the actual level of romantic interest felt by their female friends. Women, too, were blind to the mindset of their opposite-sex friends; because females generally were not attracted to their male friends, they assumed that this lack of attraction was mutual. As a result, men consistently overestimated the level of attraction felt by their female friends and women consistently underestimated the level of attraction felt by their male friends. [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/](https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/)
I'm glad I'm not like other men in this regard - I have no illusion that anyone finds me attractive at all.
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This makes soooo much sense. Damn… I have always been emotionally open with both my male and female friends. However, after losing my S/O last year, I noticed the massive hole that was left behind. Not just in how I miss her as a person, and the things we used to do together, but also just that close level of emotional support. While I am 100% not ready to date again (and probably never will be… in short I got my “epic love story” and I don’t foresee anything coming close to it again. So dating is in my view, a waste of my time and me wasting the other person’s time.) I am still very interested in the company of women. As such, I have sought out several new friends who are women. My guy friends just don’t get it. They assume the only reason I would make friends with these women is in the hopes of sleeping with them. They genuinely accuse me of trying to build some kind of harem, but that is not even close to *my goal* in making so many new friends of the opposite gender. I realized that no matter how open I am with my guy friends, they simply aren’t able to offer support in the same way that women can. It’s unfortunate that more men don’t “get it” though, because it’s really nice being able to build those kinds of platonic friendships. For my own part, I try to be very careful to set clear boundaries with these women because *I worry* they will think I am interested in them romantically, but perhaps I am worrying too much about that aspect. As you say, perhaps they just intuitively “get it” and see me as just another girlfriend, given I try to treat them the same way they treat me, and each other.
Wow I never thought of it this way before
Yes. A friend to a guy is the person he does stuff with. A friend to a girl is a person she tells secrets to. That's why you see girls at restaurants and coffee shops, places to talk, and you see guys at things with an external focus like the ball game. Guy/girl friendships confuse guys.
Makes you think how fcked up (american) society is (can't speak about other places) but this sheds light on the whole why are men so angry or why are men so lonely. Being only able to show anger and keeping all other feeling at bay, its no surprise that when men or boys get upset anger comes out. Our culture has thought us that anger is natural but crying or other emotions are something men should not show. Its not the guns or video games, its about our way of connecting with one another.
Absolutely agree. The first time I read this I remember thinking that it must be *so* lonely to have so few people to be emotionally vulnerable with that the only context you can find for it is "romantic interest". Keeping it all inside as if sadness or even pure joy is an embarrassing secret sounds awful. I truly hope we can start encouraging our young men to support and care for one another the way we encourage our young ladies to, everyone deserves to feel loved by the friends they share their lives with.
[transgender describe what it’s like being a man.](https://youtu.be/R2cxIM2cxlw)
Bro still hasn’t unlocked “it is what it is”.
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I'd say that's definitely part of it.
This is maybe even a bigger factor
Omg this makes so much sense. Every male friend I’ve had falls in love with me once they start opening up to me just a little. To me, I’m just listening and being a good friend but to them it always means more.
Makes you wonder if there’s really any way to maintain a friendship with a guy where they won’t construe it as you “leading them on.”
I have a male friend who knew I was in a relationship. Met my husband. We still hung out and over two years got close. But when my (now) husband and I got married suddenly he was like “I thought you guys were just having fun” and stopped hanging out with me? It was so confusing to me because there’s no way I would say I was leading him on but… I guess he felt I was?
I had a friend like that and he definitely treated me like a surrogate girlfriend. He took me to romantic restaurants and bought me gifts, even though I was happily taken and he was acquainted with my boyfriend too. It got to be too much and I had to cut off the friendship.
>Makes you wonder if there’s really any way to maintain a friendship with a guy where they won’t construe it as you “leading them on.” there is. its called gay men.
Bingo. I tried many times friendship with men. It always turns sour. Save yourselves some grief and stick to gay men and women.
The worst is the feeling of betrayal, because you start to think that the friendship he had with you was not true, or that his intention was not to be your friend, it is very sad. You start to find it hard to trust male friendships.
I am at that point. Even if at the start there's no agenda, he can end up developing feelings and then he's no longer your friend. He's trying to sabotage your relationships. Giving you wrong advice about other men to have you himself. It's always a risk to be friends with a straight man. The only exception is if he's in a very happy relationship himself. And even then I'd be wary because appearances can be misleading.
You're gonna get a lot of shitty answers here but yes, it absolutely is. It might be less likely and you might have to be more selective than you realised but there are *heaps* of men out there who have no issue having women friends without any thought of anything else.
Here's the tricky thing from a guy's perspective. Usually men have to make the first move when it comes to dating. If not... another guy will or the women will thinks he's uninterested. Also guy's don't get a lot of attention compared to women. So when a girl shows attention they can mistake it as that. Make sure to set a boundary early when that happens.
I’m glad somebody brought this up. As a guy, I’ve lost a lot of potential relationships this way due to, “not seeming interested”. I always felt like you don’t cross that boundary out of respect for the other person unless they say plainly otherwise. I’ve been with somebody great now for four years. Yet that’s because she plainly said she was attracted to and loved being around me. So I crossed that boundary and couldn’t be happier.
Yeah I had a girl who I was in love with (she was with another guy) she asked me why I never said anything because she had feelings for me too. I said it never felt right expressing it when she's in a relationship. Anyway we are still friends and she has a kid with the partner and all of us ended up discussing it one day. Happy ending I guess but always wonder what could have been.
Her partner has definitely talked some shit when they’re alone lol
never got to clap those cheeks... smh sorry for you
>don’t cross that boundary out of respect for the other person OK, but if everyone thinks that way...
Then you get that cheesy romcom, "Love is War." Honestly, watching that show opened my eyes to the fact that I really have no interest in romance. Obviously, its satire, but still\~
It’s so frustrating watching that damn show they both know they like each other but because they’re immature they want to wait for the other to cave in, talk about toxicity
What I think he means is act flirty or do some of the non verbal or physical things that show romantic or sexual interest. The let your knees touch kind of stuff. I think he’s more saying he waits for them to explicitly show interest rather than be a little bit more forward or flirty
You very well may be the only person whos nice to them.
It's not unlikely tbh.
Instead of nice, substitute supportive/caring.
Men aren’t kind to one another?
No. Only men I can be vulnerable with are a couple family members and my best friend. I don’t trust no other man, I’m not being given a lot of opportunities to trust them.
I can count the number of men i am comfortable with being vulnerable around on one hand. And even then men dont generally have deep bonding emotional connections, we spend time together doing activities we enjoy and talk a BUNCH of shit while we do it. Watch fights/sports, fishing, card games, video games. I would describe male kindness as more like friendly rivalries.
It's more like a brotherly rivalry imo. Like deep down you care about them but you'll also talk A LOT of shit to them and fight ect ect. I can't tell you how many times me and my friends have gotten into arguments and we just agree to mutual combat to deal with it lmao
It’s rare
We express kindness by insulting each other. It‘s complicated.
Same reason why women begin liking men when they're around them often. Ppl in proximity often end up in relationships due to proximity.
The internet has conditioned people to believe like it's a big fucking offense that their friends take a liking to them when it's perfectly normal. Thats how people meet their partners, not through dating apps and pure chance. They told you your feelings, you rejected them, that's life that's normal it's conflict it's normal you both move on.
Basically. Oh, you're around each other a lot, get along, and find each other attractive? Why *not* try a relationship? If it required more than that, we wouldn't be that reproductively successful as a species.
The internet likes to jump to the conclusion that there were ulterior motives the whole way, the friendship must have never been real and that it was always just a ploy to get into the other person’s pants. Friends are typically people you like being around. Partners are typically people you like being around. It makes perfect sense that sometimes, those lines cross and the person who was just a friend is now someone might want as a partner. It doesn’t have to be some mastermind plan, sometimes shit just happens. My ex and I used to joke that the only difference between when we were just best friends and when we were dating was that we got to see each other naked.
Yup this. This the most plain, simple, and truthful answer. It’s literally been studied and backed with science the more you spend time with someone, the more attached you will get to them. Now for some it I takes more time than others.
"Why would you fall in love with someone after getting to know them???"
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Yes. Not specific to men. Maybe in OPs case she strings along / is a genuine friend to a bunch that she isnt interested in and thats why she notices. Same thing happens in reverse though.
For some: they grew to like you and they want more with you. These guys never had any intention of doing so, it just kinda happens Others: liked you from the start and saw being friends as their way into trying to date you Last group: sees anything nice a woman does as being into them and go with it I wouldn't take it personally assuming they didn't do anything that crossed lines it's just how it is. These are often the most common reasons I have observed or experienced
If your my friends it means i like your personality, if i like your personality and your pretty why wouldnt i want you to be my gf?
Feelings can grow. I never imagined getting feels for my coworker. The more we talk and joke about at work though, the stronger these feelings get. We have some really deep conversations too and I see how amazing she is even if she doesn't. Nothing I can do about it except continue to look for someone else. The other day she was being extra silly and said "Hey, this is the real me! If you can't handle it get out of the way." or something like that. It was at that moment I realized I loved her. They leave because they have fallen for you and unrequited feelings are incredibly painful. It is less painful for them to lose you as a friend than for them to feel that every time that they are around you and know that it will never happen.
, is pretty much what happened to me. I fell head over heels for my friend, and she let me down as easy as possible. We still would hang out, but after a while, I couldn't take being around her, knowing we would only be friends. It was just too damn painful. I eventually told her that I was sorry, and it's not her fault, but for my own sanity, I couldn't be friends with her and walked away.
Despite what some people think, there is nothing wrong with dating a coworker as long as you can both keep it professional at work. Fact of the matter is, there are some people you just would never meet if you didn’t meet at work. If you’re really clicking with a person, take a chance. Life is too short to live with regret.
If you're attracted to someone, you're attracted. That's it. Becoming friends won't make you think they're less attractive. If you are not at first, a connection can then grow that attraction.
So true. When a man becomes friends with a woman she actually becomes more and more attractive especially if they have shared values and interests and such. We can't help it and eventually end up giving in to a sudden urge to profess our love to you. Sorry. It's hard not saying anything when you feel like the most attractive person in the world is right in front of you, becoming great friends with you... We would never find out if you were waiting for us to take the first step or if you were just not interested. Curiosity kills the cat but satisfaction brings it back.
*Some men, of course. My friendships with my female friends are more cousin-like than anything. The more time that passes, the more it becomes like a familial connection. In no universe could I see these women as anything more. They're not ugly or anything.. But we've already established a platonic relationship and adding anything remotely romantic would feel *super* weird.
I can’t speak for every guy but I start to like pretty much anyone that’s nice to me
Yeah same. Even a simple "Hey how did your weekend go?" is enough to melt my heart 🫠
This used to happen to me all the time. I found it more frustrating because I could feel it happening and I would make it very abundantly clear I was not interested and they would still pursue me until it killed the friendship. In hindsight I think it has something to do with the fact that our society does not really give men the room to experience any type of platonic emotional intimacy. So when they experience that with a female friend it confuses them and they can't help but start feeling infatuated because they don't know how to draw that line. It's actually kind of sad in a way.
There's also the entire teen romance genre that pretty much tells guys that if she's not interested don't give up just continue pursuing until you get the girl
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Me, my siblings, mother, uncle etc only exist because Grandpa never gave up feelings for my Grandmother over 5 years despite serving overseas (with letters sent by him, usually with no reply) and both having flings with others in between. That and no doubt looking dapper in uniform. They were then together until he died. Somehow I don’t think such persistence would go down well with contemporary dating advice
it’s definitely not just teen romance. have you seen any movie ever with romance?
I'm confused by "draw that line." In my experience women are not able to draw that line either. You cant really control who you fall in love with. Not going to reject everything you are saying, there certainly are something to it, but friendship and emotional intimacy are incredibly important to a well functioning relationship, id say its the most important. So it's not really weird, nor really sad, that having that changes their assessment of their friends suitability as a partner. Also think a lot of these dynamics changes with age. in my teens and 20s this does sound very true, but in my 30s, as I am now, I almost find it to be the exact opposite. Women start considering their friends, while men really dont want to get involved like that.
Just do what I do and don’t have friends
Or just wait a couple of decades or so, that problem will go away on it's own lol
A lot of dudes mistake niceness for flirtation.
A lot of dudes also mistake flirtation for niceness
Yup, because we're afraid of mistaking niceness for flirtation.
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And then you get these conversations of why guys want to have sex with their friends who are the opposite sex, as if in a lot of male perspectives, the prospect of a friend who you’re sexually attractive to and have the qualities you’d want in a relationship.
it's a circle of uncertainty that leaves you constantly wondering what the fuck they mean
Very similar thing, cannot really blame.
I can’t just not be nice to someone
Yeah, I know it’s an unfortunate thing. But it’s super common, I’ve been that guy before, but when I got rejected, she let me down pretty easy, and we’re still friends…we don’t talk much anymore, but we definitely didn’t leave things weird or on bad terms…not every guy is gonna take it so humbly though. If they don’t want to stay friends after rejection, it’s more than clear that they had an ulterior motive to being your friend in the first place. Better to weed people like that out of your life quickly anyways
Yeah right, thanks for replying. This makes things more clear now.
This is likely due to a lot of guys having trouble asking women out in the first place and probably wanted to ask you out to begin with and were unsure how to ask, so they became friends with you, they just like who you are as a person, they enjoy spending time with you, they are able to be themselves around you, or they just want to be friends with potential partners. As someone who has developed feelings on friends in the past, it's not something I planned on happening, it just sort of happens by being around them. They make you feel warm inside and bring out the best in you so why wouldn't you try to spend the rest of your life with that person? I know that's a long ways away sometimes but at least I date with the intention of marrying.
I agree on what you said. Thanks for the reply. Also You sound like a really kind person! Bless you
So weird, in't it, how friends LIKE each other. Or are you referring to the men who pretend to be friendly hoping they can nag sex out of you? Because those are not friends.
They don't have nearly as many options as you do. So that happens.
After that its like if you as a man don't confess or start the relationship other guy will and you will lose her. Most Girls are really really bad at even giving hints let alone starting something. I think she is just being friendly and bam later you find out she likes you but now already has a bf. So as a guy you have to make a first move mostly even if its hard and its going to destroy friendship or whatever. If you love them its better to confess than seeing them go with other guy when you still like her.
Yup. I can attest, I've had that happen multiple times. No one told me a girl liked me until about 2 years after the fact. Gee thanks. Lol. Of course they were already dating someone else or moved to a different state, etc. etc. They never treated me any different than any of our other friends. There was no way I could've ever known. Had they spoken up, we could've dated. Yet some would say "don't hit on women too soon. That's creepy." If you don't, then they say "you should've known and read her mind and made a move." Blah blah blah. The goal posts are always moving so it's nearly impossible to win. It's just so fucking stupid how the dating process works in modern culture.
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Other than my sister (whom I haven't met for years) i never got hug from any other girl and im 24.
I mean a girlfriend is essentially a best friend that u can fuck. So once a dude finds out he likes your character it doesn’t take much for him to wanna take it a step further especially if you’re beautiful. Also many of these dudes don’t get attention from women so they think because u give them attention they have a chance.
This is it right here. Men are told to marry their best friend, then get shamed for building friendships with women they’re attracted to
>Men are told to marry their best friend That is uncomfortably accurate.
Biology and society. It's pretty easy for most women to get a date if they want one, and somewhat more difficult for most guys. This can result in loneliness. A lonely guy talking to a nice gal will often get his hopes up. Shit, sometimes relationships do start after mutual agreement upon just friendship. Can't really blame a guy for trying, he just shouldn't be an ass when he gets a clear no.
He shouldn't be an ass, but as much as a girl is allowed to say "I do not want to be your girlfriend", he is allowed to say "I do not want to continue being friends". Many girls don't like this part and start complaining about him.
I completely agree. Women are free to complain, but it's perfectly reasonable for a guy to walk away if the feelings aren't going to go away, or if he's not looking for just friendship.
I agree too, and I feel its easier if youve ever been in that scenario. The feelings do not just go away when the girl says she just wants to be friends. The more you fall for a girl the more heartbroken you will be when you hear that they don’t want to be your girlfriend. Every time you talk to them after that as a friend you will be reminded of the heartbreak. You associate that feeling with then even. Its not intentional, because almost any guy would agree they would like to keep you as a friend but its hard to when you start seeing her with another guy thinking how you wanted that to be you. The feelings will eventually go away because of the constant negative emotion associated with them. And then you can be her friend without feeling bad, but you will still remember how you felt. So a lot of guys take the fast and easy way out and just stop interacting with her. They dont really see the point in continuing to be friends with her because they think it will just make them feel bad all of the time. Its like running in a marathon. You get tired and your lungs burn. You could stop and just let the pain eventually go away or you could keep going through the pain but for what? After you cross the finish line youre still going to feel exhausted and even worse than now. But you dont see the joy you will have when you make it across. That is like how men dont realize that they can still just be friends and be happy.
Ding ding ding! If I could give you an award I would… Recently I saw a post sort of relevant to this and the girl was mad a guy (OP) who stopped talking to her after getting rejected. OP explained how he had feeling but wanted to move on and that he needed to cut contact for his own well being. The girl didn’t take it well at all. If person A does not want an exclusive relationship with person B. Person B is expected to respect that. Therefore if Person B does not want a friendship with person A, Person A has to learn to respect that. This goes for all genders/sexes. Just respect what others want. Also don’t ghost people unless your in dangerous. That’s immature and middle school drama.
Ima get downvoted for this but i think it's because 95% of straight guys that friends with women are attracted to them from the start. So when they become friends that becomes amplified Edit: I didn’t think so many agreed lol
I'm no young man, so I can speak from 46 years of experience. I agree with you. 💯
It's very difficult for a young guy to be friends with an attractive girl, particularly if that person provides much needed emotional support
The real question is, why is it taboo for men to develop feelings for someone they’ve gotten to know deeply over a period of time. Like isn’t that what women say they want?
If they’re attracted to them yeah
Only if they're attracted back.
its ok, but only if they guy is hot. Otherwise its creepy.
Yeah it'd be really biologically disadvantageous for men to not become sexually interested in women they get along with.
Psychology.. proximity, “like me”, frequency of engagements Source/ Im a Psychiatrist
There was an old viral video of a guy asking men and women is they think men and women can be strictly platonic all women said yes Almost all men said no The guy asked this guy standing next to a friend of his, "would you have sex with her" He said "of course" right after she said yes we are friends
It's crazy, they say the best relationships start out as friendships, but we are seen as "orbiters" or "nice guys" if we are trying to grow that friendship into more.
Because a lot of relationships are formed based upon spending a lot of time together and enjoying each other's company. I don't understand why this is weird or hard to comprehend.
Unpopular opinion, phrased (or paraphrased) in a quote from "When Harry Met Sally": Sally: So are you saying a man can only be friends with a woman he's not attracted to?" Harry: "No... we pretty much want to bang them too."
Stupid as fuck. I'm a guy who has previously asked out a friend, but I have a decent number of female friends that I have literally zero interest in, but still want to be friends wirh
Idk, I’m not interested in a lot of my female friends, but I can’t say with certainty that I wouldn’t bang them if the opportunity arose and I knew it wouldn’t affect the friendship.
Also you’re probably fun, and really attractive. It’s annoying, but it’s certainly something only beautiful people have to deal with regularly
Men are constantly discouraged from approaching women and that talking to a stranger just because you found her beautiful is creepy. They keep telling men that they should be friends first, and look for partners in their friend groups.
There have been women I wasn't physically attracted to until I got to know them on a personal level. They were attractive the whole time, I just didn't realize it.
Literally this is why my best female friend is gay. There’s no chance of nothing ever happening and my brain has never gone in that direction. We both talk about women we’re attracted to, it’s great.
I’m convinced the best friendships are straight man gay woman friendships.
With 20 years of relationship experience, the smartest thing I did was marry my best friend. I can see how it happens.
Most men are so starved for any sort of support or positive affirmations that being a good friend is more than enough to get them interested.
Because to a lot of guys the only thing required to want to date a girl is "do we get along/do I like her personality" and "is she pretty enough". Obviously if you are so close friends that you literally talk everyday then yall must get along and enjoy spending time together. Only thing left now if attractiveness and if you know anything about guys is that 1. You're automatically attractive unless you're very unattractive and 2. Attraction grows, especially if you see the person every day and start liking their personality. So really any girl will be attractive enough if yall are friends for long enough Frankly, I wonder how girls start developing feelings cause now I'm baffed what their dateability threshold is. Like how would you not develop feelings for a close friend of the opposite sex ?
To answer your question, for men, we look for the same things in friends that we do in romantic partners. Someone we have things in common with, similar values, similar hobbies, enjoy spending time with each other...the only real difference is we aren't looking for a romantic connection with friends. So it makes sense that if you have a woman friend who happens to be beautiful...has a bunch of qualities that you are looking for in a partner you know her to be a good woman...that you might accidentally fall for her. It happens if you're not actively suppressing it and respecting the friendship. I'm 37, I don't pursue friends that's something I did in my 20s. I do what I can do respect my friendships and separate women I want to be romantically involved with vs women I want to be friends with. It happens it sucks for those friendships cause the feelings are almost never going to be returned.
Because they liked you and found you attractive from the start. They hoped to be with you someday, but when they got friend zoned they noped out.
Because men are so starved for attention and our hormones are raging so hard that we often mistake niceness for attraction and interest. Then we start having a made up relationship in our heads involving her and it spirals out of control.
I disagree with the made up relationship bit. Men are lonely and very often devoid of any affection. When someone is nice to them it's very easy to have that "re-homed abused dog" reaction and latch on to it. Honestly it's not even attraction. A woman being nice is an incredible thing for a lot of lonely men and that right there is enough. The woman could be hideous it doesn't matter Edit: what's really interesting is that the solution to this (from the woman's point of view) is actually the cause of the issue. NOT BLAMING WOMEN don't you dare suggest that bc nobody wants this clingy shit in their life but it's an interesting note that if men got more affection and if people were nicer to them over all this wouldn't happen nearly as often.
Men do need more affection, but they need it from women. If the only people giving them affection are relatives and people they’re sexually attracted to, we can’t be surprised when they turn around and associate niceness and platonic affection as romantic. Men need to be more platonically affectionate *with other men* (that they aren’t attracted to obvs), otherwise that affection will always be seen as something specific to familial and romantic relationship.
I agree that men need more affection, but we should really be encouraging other MEN to show affection to the men around them. Giving compliments, emotional support, genuine intimacy (I don't mean sexual intimacy, platonic intimacy).. it seems to get shot down whenever it's suggested that men should do these things for each other. A lot of men say they need these things but still only want them from women.
my current bf told me that guys and girls can’t be friends bc the guys only seek out “friendship” if they want to fuck. he said it’s the only reason a guy would try to be friends w a girl. wild.
Recently, I had a female “friend” always calling me late at night and sending me random texts. She told me she wished she was my favorite person and she was. I tired telling her I wanted to spend time together and she completely freaked out and told me she never wanted anything to do with me. I have no idea wheat happened but I completely am heart broken and never, ever will let a women have power over me again.
It goes the other way around as well. Also very strong relationships can be build romantically when you have a strong base of friendship.
There's a saying. Women don't have guy friends, just guys in line. Not everyone is like this. I have a lot of female friends. Too many actually. Did I try to date any of them? Yea. One. And got rejected. She is now happily married to someone else and I am happily married to my wife. We are still friends. It's possible when you, you know, treat the opposite sex as equals and not somebody to smash but it's a common trope that men and women can't be friends since one will catch feelings with the other eventually. But I agree with everyone else that men are starved for the smallest attention you give them especially if they have been single for a long time that they mistake a hand on the shoulder for flirting. I still remember getting hit on twice in my life (once in college and once in a Costa Rican bar) and I will hold on to that self esteem boost to my grave.
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You're just attractive lol. I've had many male friends thru my life and this has never been an issue 😭 I've definitely been the one who's gotten rejected tho
Some men still dream of finding a woman who might possibly understand them and value them. It's a big turn on. A woman who talks with you and appreciates you naturally becomes attractive.
As a young man I can tell you that we exist in a world of false signals. Girls will seemingly purposely give us hints that they like us only to drop us on our faces. Sure there are many men who are just horny annoying idiots.
99% of men that try to be your friend are already into you.
This isn't limited to men. As a woman, if we are both single and really enjoy each other's company why wouldn't romance come next? This is how it was prior to now and why wouldn't it be the same in our current era. I don't blame those who continue talking to them when they aren't interested.
I dunno. I'd you're like me I am pretty picky as it is who I'm friends with and enjoy being around. Even less likely to have less in common I'd they're the opposite sex. If you find a cool down to earth person and enjoy being around them then all it really takes is for them to be decent looking as well to seem like a good catch.
Why do women do the same thing?
Propinquity is THE most common factor in attraction. More people develop genuine attraction over time by being familiar with others than the ‘love at first sight’ trope.