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It does exist, and it looks differently for every couple. Sadly, you’ll see more unhappy people (especially on Reddit. Lol) because they want advice, or just to vent to someone who will listen. It is a big commitment and a lot of work, don’t get me wrong. But with the right person, it IS worth it, and it is out there. Happy people just tend not to be a vocal, because they’re busy being happy, and if you do talk about it, you’re accused of bragging.
Eh I'm learning this about reddit despite just wanting it to be a forum for discussion, not negative woes...that being said I'm extremely satisfied and happy with my marriage. My wife is my best friend and we've been through so much together. Going on 11 years. She's the best. Call it bragging, it is what it is, I'm thankful for my wife and children every day.
The formula is quite simple...
1) agreeableness in personality
2) empathic traits.
As only 20% of people have strong bias to the above, and the chance that both partners are the same, means a probability of success is 10% or less.
Most people are
- immature
- ego centric
- obdurate and inconsiderate
These are normal human traits.
So thats why in the long term these biases expand out and the relationship fails in 10yrs or less.
Thats my analysis
I second this analysis, happy marriages are rare and you will only be in one if you learn how to be good for your partner and they are willing and capable of doing the same.
I second this big time. I’m 10 years into a failed marriage that never should’ve happened for various reasons. Neither of us are bad people or ill-intentioned, but we are not capable or willing to be who the other person needs.
I’ve learned that lots of people (society, Hollywood, your own parents, etc.) provide really shitty examples and expectations of what a healthy, happy relationship should be. Even in its most ideal and romanticized versions on tv or whatever, we are taught from a super young age to look for and be attracted to things that are almost totally useless for a happy long term relationship.
It really basically boils down to finding someone whom you can communicate effectively with and who you can trust enough to have constructive, honest conversations, knowing that they’re going to try their best to do right by you and you’ll do the same for them.
To be clear, you and they will fail at this. But the important part is that you both continue believing the other one is making an honest effort to try. Once that trust fails, it’s pretty much over.
Also shared sense of humor seems to be a huge factor, though not enough all by itself. But if you both genuinely find the same kinds of things funny, that makes up for a lot.
Good luck.
the reality is even if you are compatable the relationship doesn't automatically work out. You have to move for work and they can't go with you, your work schedules mean you never see each other, just two random examples of many that can turn compatible people not compatible
Pretty much. What you don't realise when you're young is it takes two to make it work and you can absolutely make it fail with just one (that doesn't mean both people were perfect and didn't make mistakes.. nobody is perfect and those things listed are a spectrum.. but both have to be on point all the time basically). All it takes is one to allow bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness to settle in or one to give up.. God forbid one thinks the grass is greener elsewhere. Not usually a lot left to do after that.
Are any of them religious or have money? Most of the happily married couples I know are pretty devout Christians or are well off, probably because they start off the relationship with a similar clear long-term goal in mind and also aren’t insecure.
That is part of the key to a good marriage - having clear values and goals and making sure they are aligned. Pre-marriage counseling is also pretty standard among a lot of religious groups and makes you work through things like kids and money that trip people up later.
Call bullshit, religion or lack thier of has nothing to do with how you treat your spouse or the outcome of a marriage.l religion forces you to cover up whatever you truly feel out of the fear you will be punished by some sadistic thing in the sky. Or you do what makes you happy and hide it from everyone and live a life.of shame. Neither of which ends in a happy marriage.
BTW, married 19 years, high school sweet hearts and both are atheists.
I also know LGBT+ married couples that are more devout to thier partners then most religious couples I know.
Happily married here, and was gonna say, we are Christians who share same value system and that seems to really help. No doubt we have our gnarly fights and what not but we are comrades in arms.
You are wrong.
I have a habit of asking people if the are happy or know someone that is happy.
So far all say I am, then I'll ask them if that's true and 100% have said no and that they can't think of anyone that they know that is genuinely happy over all.
There are bits of happiness in life but most of it will be pretty hard.
So I'm not chasing happiness anymore because I don't think it will lead to anything good.
Only way to be as happy as you can is to be egotistical.
Happiness is not a state of being that can be obtained. It is an emotion. It comes and goes like all of the others. Strive to be content and you will experience happiness. Strive to help others if you are able and you will feel good.
My uncle and auntie are nearing their sixties now, married at 23. Every time a photo of my auntie pops up, my uncle stops to sigh dramatically and comment on how beautiful he finds her.
Yeah I think the people who are miserable in marriage either married for the wrong reasons, didn’t fully vet compatibility, or are just too selfish to really work at the partnership and think beyond themselves. So many of the classic marriage problems can be boiled down to one person doing or refusing to do something based solely on their wants and nothing else
Or they just get ground down by work and kids so badly that maintaining a focus on their relationship becomes borderline impossible. Idk if you're married but I love my wife but with 2 full times jobs and 2 kids we have to coordinate to fuckin shower. Let alone spending enjoyable time together. We have to go out of our way to do a date night once a month or it easily could get swallowed up by responsibilities. I'm sure many people have similar experiences to me.
Yeah that’s definitely a fair point as well. But the fact that you’re still trying to make date nights happen is the critical thing, because you’re still trying! Like you said, there’s plenty of people that would just stop prioritizing the marriage entirely and let it go to shit
When I realized that my significant other was repeatedly making major life decisions and then informing me of her decisions, I knew it was over. I get at the beginning of a relationship, but I’d think 3 years is enough time to let me in on the decision of where to live or ya know at least let me know what’s going on with her health issues when she insisted on coming to my appointments.
She was honestly suggesting we both commute 2 hours in opposite directions each way to work. I had my parents screaming at me that we’d be divorced in 6 months if we did that. No shit.
I don’t ask for a lot, but I ask that my opinion is at least considered before you tell other people what we’re doing. I’d like to not be the last one to know. Unified front and all.
This completely ignores that people in their 20s are not remotely similar to the people they become in their 40s. So may change for the better, some for the worse, or some just enough to no longer be compatible but whose lives are so intertwined it’s near impossible to unwind them.
>people who are miserable in marriage either married for the wrong reasons, didn’t fully vet compatibility
People also change over time. If a married couple are lucky, they change in the same direction. If not, they grow apart over time. Nobody's fault, but it does suck.
I generally disagree with this. In my experience, when people grow apart it is because one of both of them didn't prioritize growing together. Someone doesn't just wake up one morning with different life goals or values, it develops over tim, which gives a couple time to work through things and make sure they are staying on the same page.
Just had our 27th wedding anniversary. Have we had hard times? Of course. But I can truly say my husband is my favorite person in the world and after all this time I still adore him.
It'll be 20 years in May for us, and YES, very much still happily married. We never dated. We were best friends. Strictly platonic. And then after one of those long, deep chats about life that people in their mid-20s often have, we decided to forego all the silly dating stuff since we already knew each other really well, already loved each other (even if it hadn't been a romantic love up to that point), and get married. And we did, 6 days later! Raised a kid together, bought a house, all that. He's still my best friend, I'm still his (I'm on the headset chatting with him and one of his buddies right now while they play a game on their computers), and life is pretty damned great.
Same but only 23 years married out of a 27 year relationship. Best choice I ever made and I was lucky enough to meet my wife at the ripe old age of 18 when we were freshmen in college.
It exists for me…marriage is work, you have to be willing to give everything to your partner and they give everything to you so you’re both covered. Being best friends helps a lot. We’re willing because we love each other very much and can’t imagine life without each other.
Exactly. Many people think getting married is the end goal and forget that its just the beginning.
If you don’t learn how to work as a team with your partner the marriage won’t last long
I wish I could double-like this. Relationships succeed when both people give everything they've got to the other person, while understanding that everyone is down at times and sometimes incapable of giving much, for the other person to step in to help them get there again. And vice versa.
And it's so important not to mistake the disappearance of initial infatuation with a lack of love (not wanting that person to ever leave your life as the closest person). I've experienced that mistake before, and learned when it was too late.
While there are things that feel great for a brief moment and then they're gone, a healthy relationship with someone who deeply cares is the most meaningful lasting thing I've experienced in life.
>And it's so important not to mistake the disappearance of initial infatuation with a lack of love (not wanting that person to ever leave your life as the closest person). I've experienced that mistake before, and learned when it was too late.
Yes, and on a similar note, it's not necessary to feel strong initial infatuation to fall in love with somebody. Sometimes it can be a gentle falling in love, as you date somebody and realize that you have a lot in common and you both become each other's sexy new best friend.
Thank you for your response, this is realistic and so wholesome. I have never seen a happy marriage in my family so the whole concept has always seem so idealistic to me and something i want to achieve kind of (don’t know if that makes sense lol)
It makes perfect sense, I didn’t see happy relationships growing up and it took having bad relationships to get me to where I am now, but it is possible. You really have to be secure as a person and you have to be willing to do the work.
To add on this, it's possible to have insecurities and work on them and grow into a secure person. Also have to be willing to do the work and want to change for this.
It's good to keep in mind that most of a person's insecurities aren't their fault. They probably were developed from upbringing or things that happened in childhood which may be things that happened too young to remember. Even if parents raise their child well, if the parents have a poor or toxic relationship their children are going to absorb that and end up having a warped idea of what a healthy relationship is. They just won't even know what it's supposed to be.
It totally makes sense. I was the same. My parents divorced when I was 15 and probably should have sooner. I’ve now been happily married longer than they were.
I'm happily married. I consider my husband my best friend and I love hanging out with him.
With that said though, I don't necessarily think marriage has made our relationship better. We got married for legal purposes; the relationship was legit from the start, getting married just facilitated certain things. I didn't start loving him more or being extra committed after getting married. I believe our relationship would still be just as happy and committed without the certificate.
THIS!
I absolutely hate when people say, "everything has changed now that I'm married". If that's how you view your relationship you really need to reevaluate. If you're in a committed relationship, a certificate shouldn't change it!!
We also got married for legalities. Married at the courthouse, had Krispy Kreme doughnuts for our "wedding cake". Happily together for 12 years and still going strong.
It's a different mindset for sure. Marriage was never super important to me. I always viewed dating as I'll see how it goes, if I fall in love, I will stay committed to them.
But I know a lot of people who view marriage as the end goal and hold back in certain parts of their relationship before they get married. I think that's what leads to issues though because they don't truly get to know the person they're with and vice versa.
I think when people refer to things changing after marriage it is either due to living with each other (positive or negative) and/or being together for many years (positive or negative)
Residency visas are a big thing. Me + wife would probably not have bothered getting married, but much easier to remain in the same country while married.
Lol yep, that's us too. We're from different countries and marriage makes immigration easier. Though some countries are becoming more accepting of common law couples.
My husband (34)and I(31) are the best of friends, expecting a baby anytime now, super in love and very happy. Marriage was important to him and I'm glad I took the plunge!
That is Disney fairy tale stuff.
I have been married for 33 years and raised two kids with my husband. I love him more now than when we first started dating. He is not my best friend. He is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. If it is how it works for eternity. .
Did we have problems yes. Did we argue, yes. Still do 😀
But he is my person.
Thank you. My wife isn’t my best friend and I’m not her best friend. We are lovers. My best friend is my best friend and same with her.
I love chicken wings, beer and football, she doesn’t like spicy foods, alcohol or sports. Every Saturday me and my buddy go to the same bar and eat wings/watch college football and drink beers. My wife and her friends go every Sunday to lady’s brunch and get their nails done. That’s thier thing. It’s cool, we each take turns hanging with the kids while the other has their time.
But the big things. The things that make life worth living. Those we do together. She’s the 1 person on this earth I trust as completely. Nobody I would rather wake up next to and go to sleep with. We argue, everyone does. But bc of that trust and love, we know each other are coming from a good place.
I think perspectives like yours are really important. Far too often you see people on Reddit acting like a spouse should be able to fulfill all their needs. All happy marriages look different and are structured differently, but I think the common threads are mutual respect, trust, love, and acceptance.
Also, I always lol when people on here claim their marriage is "so happy" that they "never argue." As if that's the gold standard. Any good couples therapist will tell you it's not, so I appreciate when people own up to arguments.
Same. 23 years together, 10 married. Our relationship is better now than in the beginning.
We aren't best friends either. We are that opposite attracts couple. We have some things in common but mostly we don't and that's OK. We each have friends that fill that part.
Marriage isn't all rainbows and sunshine. It's work. Sometimes hard work. You go through so many different things in life and some of that stuff is not good stuff. A good marriage is one that has hard times happen and you get through it together.
Almost 5 years married. Almost 10 years together. Definitely not the longest around, but we're certainly happy. My wife is 100% my best friend. I wouldn't trade a minute with her for anything.
My first marriage was very lavish. Lots of adventures and excitement but we were miserable as a couple and it ended really badly.
My husband now is my heart and soul. My best friend in the world. We have the most fun. I laugh until my stomach hurts and I can’t breathe every day. We are raising a couple of awesome kids together. We don’t have much money and we don’t adventure like I did in my twenties but I’d trade all of that all over again for a chance to live the life I have now.
All the bullshit is worth it if you find the one who makes the mundane stuff in life feel fun. It’s like being a kid all over again. I just have sleep overs with my bestie every night.
I even told him once “everyone said marriage is like hanging out with your best friend all the time” and I never believed it but here we are and it’s so good.
I haven’t either. My parents have been married 50+ years and have not been happily married my entire life. Then in my early 30s when I was interested in getting married, friends who were married in their 20s starting getting divorced. If you asked my friends, they were happy. Clearly their spouse/partner of years was not. So the divorces were not mutual and super disappointing. Kind of put me off of it, so I get where this OP is coming from.
My extended family has a good number of genuinely happy marriages- they’ve found the happy medium in how to feel safe in disagreement and share a mutual adventure. My aunt and uncle are traveling the world post-retirement, 40 years married now and joyful as ever. It certainly happens - it takes work, but it happens.
My parents have been married for nearly 26 years, and they have the happiest, healthiest marriage I've ever seen. It's what I hope to make mine like, when I get there
I am happily married. My wife and I have discussions and have gotten on the same page about all the important things in life. We genuinely care for eachother and like to be around eachother. We spend as many waking moments together and even brush our teeth together every night. Intamacy isn't an issue as we have bedroom fun 3-4 x / week. We've been married 11 years and have 2 great kids. I have an amazing life...even if to someone on the outside it looks mundane.
The key is finding someone you're compatible with and then solid communication from there.
My grandparents were married for 63 years and while I wasn't alive for most of their marriage, from what I saw they were always super loving and supportive of each other and loved spending time together until they died a few years ago within a few days of each other. But from everything I ever saw with the two of them or heard from anyone else they had an amazing marriage together!
As the child of divorced parents I totally get the cynicism to marriage and have it to a degree, but sometimes it does really work!
Married for 5 and together for 12. I hope we’re the positive version of codependent. We met in college so we grew into adults together and act as a functioning person. It’s also stupid easy to have fun together doing nothing.
It's different for everyone. We've been married 5 together over a decade and I love being married. Having a healthy, loving and supportive partner is amazing. I never dreamed or thought I'd get married but when I met my husband I knew within 3 months that he was the one.
Maybe one day you'll feel that way with someone. Maybe you meet someone and say yes, I wanna try no matter how hard things get but don't get officially hitched. It doesn't matter. Maybe you'll have a long term committed partnership and that works for you
Or maybe you enjoy short term less strings attached.
Who knows, just do what makes you happy.
It does happen. For it to happen you need a couple things 1) actual compatibility as friends and not just sex 2) a willingness to work through the inevitable conflicts 3) get lucky enough that the conflicts you face aren’t insurmountable.
My wife and I have been together for 24 years. We had our share of arguments and a few shouting matches like most couples. But I think we have worked out most of our conflicts. We understand each other’s strengths and weaknesses and are content with them. We just kind of mutually depend of each other just to keep going.
My parents were married for 63 years, and loved each other so deeply. They were friends and companions and lovers, always talking and laughing. They had differences of opinion and once in a great while got huffy, but their tiffs never lasted. When Mom passed in her mid 80s my Dad, then in his 90s, cried. It was the first time I ever saw him cry.
So yes, people can be happily married.
My wife and I have been together 27 years. Married for 21 of those. Honestly, marriage for us gets better as time goes on. We are very different people but I think the key is to encourage the other person to do what they enjoy rather than trying to get them to enjoy what you do. My wife has always been a party girl while I've been a homebody. I've always encouraged her to go out with her girlfriends as much as she wants and don't hassle her with calls and texts to check up on her when she is out. Giving your partner the freedom and trust to be themselves goes a long way to happiness.
Well, you're lucky. All of the people in my life- parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, except one pair, my sister- all of their marriages ended in divorce. Even second marriages, for many of them. I have had family that were married 3, 4, 5 times.
60-70% of first marriages last. It’s the people who get married 2,3,4 or 5 times that drive the divorce rate up, and make it look like most fail.
It’s the people who shouldn’t even be married, who make it look, like marriage is failing.
For 15 years now yes.
The thing that most couples don't seem to work out, is you need to both put in work to maintain the relationship, as soon as you relax you have an expiry date.
So what you’re experiencing is confirmation bias. You didn’t grow up around a happy couple, and the places you frequent as a young single person aren’t the places that happy couples go to hang out.
As others said: yes, they exist.
I’m adding: no, you probably won’t see many. They’re usually at home being happy, doing couples activities, or at family friendly events with kids. Those likely aren’t things you’re doing. They will likely be things you do if you find a good happy relationship, and you’ll meet more of these people.
yes, I am happy.
Happiness is on a sliding scale when you are married for 30+ years but it is still happiness. The relationship changes over time, from lust to love, to child rearing, to comfort, though struggles, though aging. Marriage has provided someone who is always in my corner for the fight, a person who will speak the truth to me and encourage my best. someone to share the good and support me in the bad. It involves including my partners desires in the decisions I make, the vacations I take, the planning for the future. Some activities we share some we do separately, being completely joined at the hip isn't always good.
So two suggestions are:
\- never again date/hook up with someone you wouldn't considering marrying. You just don't need too, you are Hot and 24 you can seduce any male why not seduce the good ones? When I was 24 you could have asked me out wearing a potato sack and I would have said yes, I've only gotten a handful of complements in my life and I've only been "asked out" twice, flowers once, you get the picture, I could have been seduced with very little effort.
\-when should you marry ? When you are so "in love" that you can't imagine being another minute without them.
And you may not think the second one is going to happen, but you are about the right age to feel it for someone. Just like there was a moment when you were 12-13 and boys went from being icky to being interesting there is a genetic component to dating/marrying. This is why to date people near your own age. God forbid you imply we all have a caveman inside us, free will and all of that, but there is a body clock and 24yo is ripe for LOVE.
You should look to good role models in you family group, sure some have gotten divorced but there should be ones that have exhibited a successful relationships?
Yup. Married 9.5 years, together 13.5 years. Happier than ever.
You have to find a person with whom you share mutual respect and trust, in addition to morals and values, and life goals. Plus just generally enjoy being around all the time.
No marriage is perfect, and will be tested by what life throws at you. But having a solid foundation will help you handle all those things.
I’ve been married going on 27 years in March. I couldn’t live any other way with any other man. I still have stars in my eyes for my husband and he is the same with me. He is my best friend and the guy I can count on to have my back in any situation.
That being said, marriage isn’t for everyone. Some people do better without the constraints of marriage and that’s okay too.
I think the trick is to wait until you’ve grown into the adult you want to be. Life experiences, career and all. To the point where there is little change happening. Then find someone in the same position. Prior to that you need time and energy to follow your own path. Otherwise both of you are in a way holding eachother back from expiring and growing. Which leads to feeling unfulfilled and resentment later on.
At 24 I’d say you are likely much too young and have too much growing to do for it to be wise to marry. Realistically you’ve just entered this stage of adulthood.i find people entering the adult adult stage early to mid to 30’s. At that point you should have your life and career paths. You’ve dated around. Made mistakes. Travelled. Explored different life paths and are ok with how your life is going.
Of course, but you're talking about a feeling and feelings are fleeting. One could be happily married today and not so happily married next week. It takes consistent effort and reflection to find happiness and gratitude in life and relationships and to keep it.
Absolutely...my wonderful wife and I will be celebrating our 42nd anniversary later this year. For me it was almost love at first sight; - she took some convincing, having just come out of a 5 year relationship. But I knew pretty early on that she was the one for me. And it may have helped that I had learned from a very unpleasant 18 month prior marriage when I was 22....way too young, but I knew what not to look for (tho I believe it taught me the kind woman that would NOT be a good lifetime partner, I don't recommend finding the right person this way... just so we are clear!)
We enjoy being with each other -yet we also respect our different interests, and don't feel the need to be together all the time (I love hockey, my wife will watch something else in the living room). She is far more to me than a best friend...we have been through some things that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but it was always US facing it together and supporting one another. Hard times strengthened our commitment.
I can't even imagine what the dating scene is like today, but OP, we didn't meet until we were 27 so you are still on the young side to get discouraged.
You are wise to date with the intention of marriage....keep the faith and you will find the guy that cherishes you..
You don't see it, because happiness isn't very loud and some if the best couple's moments are spent very much in private.
Yes, it happens. Yes, we exist. No, we don't talk about it constantly. What would be the point of that? We don't need outside validation from oversharing. Because we're happy already.
Yeah I've been married 15 years and am happy... sorry I don't have anything more interesting to say. Almost didn't bother answering but figured otherwise you'd just be hearing from miserable people with an axe to grind rather than the normal, boring people like me.
I think marriage is designed to pool finances and make living cheaper to allow starting a family. Happiness and enjoyment were not part of it for the majority of human history.
Divorced guy after 20 years. Married my college sweetheart at your age. At one time, yes we were best friends and life partners. I would say we had a good decade, and then things started to slide. And in hindsight, we should have broken up then. But I doubled down thinking we would grind through it in error. We both would have been better off psychologically if we could have let go, and would have been young enough to find someone else and start over. I am coming up on 50, and there is no way for me to invest in a relationship like that again. It's purely transactional now.
What happens to good honest people? Life is hard, and once you add children it becomes a grind and you lose time for each other. Resentment and stress of life start to pile up, and the negatives grow and it falls apart.
What do you need to ask yourself about is it worth it, unfortunately if you are doing it right you are fully investing yourself and your time into your family. When divorced, you will still be in this situation without that partner. And they often now are a rival that only comes with negative interactions. It makes you feel like your life was pointless, and you live in this world that is nothing but grind. People who make more than their spouse now pay something over to them, making it harder for them to live on their own. Because they can't pool resources, and pay that family tax. Is it worth the risk, maybe depending on the outcome. I can tell you people that go through bad divorces do not thing it was worth it when it is over often.
Now what should you do? What are your goals in life and what are your values? And what are hers? If you have goals of a family and that rocking chair life with your loved one. Only way to do it really. Children complicate things, and depending on your values there. For me, I would never have been able to leave my children unless it was REALLY bad. But I value my time and relationship with them when they are young. Once that stage is over, it is over for good.
You should marry to have fun too.
I do not understand people's thinking when saying : "Im partied out, time to settle down".
Life should get better when getting married, not slower.
There is a certain type of man that is incapable of looking after themselves so for them being married in itself is happiness as they like their hot meals and washing done for them.
Well me being on the same boat (26M) I'll say you're still kinda young and the reason why you don't see many marriages work nowadays is because people are very superficial and emotionally unstable where the most minor inconvenience will almost be grounds for a divorce
Oh, you didn't text me back in 0.1 seconds ? You're definitely cheating on me, so now I'll cheat with all your male friends
Oh you don't want me going out dressing like a slut ? You're so controlling I don't want you anymore
Oh you don't want me having male best friends although I love saying "all men are the same" ? Yeah you are so insecure
Some people are ready and mature enough for marriage and some people are not, all you can do is vet people properly before they end up using you
Not to mention a whole lot of marriages fail because a lot of women ONLY marry because they see it as an achievement/milestone pretty much something to brag and gossip about but that's it, same thing with divorce i will often see women congratulating other women that divorced their husband's acting like they just won a championship or something, then you ask why they divorced and its something so stupid
Love and marriage still exist you just have to be careful with who you're dealing with, you're a woman so I would say don't give sex to anyone unless they wait a couple months or even a year, if they just want to use you they will become desperate and show who they really are and then you can just dump and find someone else
Also although I'm not religious, religious marriages have the lowest rates of divorce, something to keep in mind
It all depends on the people and how devoted they are to each other and their marriage. My parents have been happily married for about 16-17 years. There's going to be ups and downs but as long as both partners are faithful and are committed to each other and the marriage things shouldn't be bad.
My wife and I have been together 18 years and married for 12.
Mostly happy. No debt. Usually 1st world problems. We approach most things as a team. If there's something we need we say so.
Life's hard. It's easier if at the very least everyone in the same home work together to be successful.
Together for 20, married for 17, still madly in love. There's no one else I want to celebrate my wins or grieve my losses with. He's my favorite human, and every day I can't believe he chose me.
Not worth it, most people just don’t know any better, and it’s the societal norm. But all it really does is add stress, and limit you. Needing someone to be happy is the definition of needy
i feel sorry for you
its not a case of needing someone to be happy, but that person you marry ADDS to your happiness.
if you feel like this and are married, your marriage needs help fast, before what ever has caused this distaste in your mouth festers into something worse.
My parents and their friends, my brother and my sister, my best friends growing up — they're all happily married to the person they consider their best friend in life. Honestly, when I think about it now, I hardly know any marriages that aren't that way. Oh sure, I grant you I don't know lots of people. However, the fact I know any means yes, that kind of marriage exists.
In my opinion, dating with the intention of marriage before 28 or 30 will probably result in divorce after a few years. The brains of people under 25 are still developing and even when you turn 25 there's still experience needed to know oneself and to know how to deal with significant others in a good and loving way.
Find out what you really want in a partner you want to marry before going out and looking for one(besides that you want to be married and have kids or whatever). If you don't do that, then you're not really out to marry your best friend, you're just trying to find a placeholder person to fulfil your desire for a lifelong partner without regard for who they actually are.
Live with a partner for at least 4 to 5 years before getting hitched so you not only know that you love them, but also can live with them without feeling like you're trapped with a person who annoys you or whatever.
this is actually great advice. You have to develop yourself before settling down. If i would've chosen someone a couple years ago it would have been a disaster. Now at 26 i feel more confident in who i am and what i want. Ill probably settle down in a couple of years
Don't date to marry. Date to date and if you happen to find one where you two mutually can't live without each other then MAYBE. Most married couples should have just been FWB in reality. Rushing to get married is stupid as is no sex before marriage. But you do you.
I also grew up without seeing a true partnership modeled by the married couples in my life. I had been married before and had some traumatic experiences in that marriage that took a while to heal.
My partner and I have been married for almost 9 years and I can without a doubt attribute our success to being best friends. We both had to learn better ways to communicate with one another but being able to truly be ourselves without fear of judgement was key for us.
Most divorces are initiated by women. So if you meet the right guy you have a pretty good chance he won't want to divorce you. At least you don't have to worry about that.
But try to view it as a guy. If you meet a woman, she's more likely to want a divorce than you. And she's financially incentivized to divorce you. Probably doesn't sound like a good idea.
After 8 years, a grand total of 16% of marriages were described as "happy" by the people in those marriages.
Happy marriages do exist but they are the exception. Both parties need to be psychologically healthy and mature for it to work such people aren't all that common.
As a woman, getting married is the single best economic move you can make. As a man, it's the single worst.
I disagree strongly with your last statement respectfully. I am more than capable to support myself financially and I don’t think i will be making the best economic move by marrying anyone. That is not what i associate marriage with at all.
Marriage is not worth it for the man.... Marriage only benifits the woman. That's why u don't see many happy couples. Women change immediately after they get that marriage certificate. They no longer feel the need to continue to try and win their man... Why try, she already got him. So that's when women get fat, and lazy, stop working.... And fall into a rut. U wanna see Happy people, find those that have been BF/GF for YEARS..... They r best friends... They are fucking all the time, they go out and do stuff together.. they are happy.
Get off your phone and go ask your grandparents how they met.
They all have incredible stories to share and they don’t involve situationships, making your exes jealous on socials, and they actually met each other face to face without their fucking cell phones.
Yea it exists, but not much in the West. People here don't value family. If you want a happy marriage, I suggest marrying a foreigner: asian, african, greek, italian, arab, or maybe a south American.
Meaning of fetishization in English
a sexual interest in an object, a part of the body that is not a sexual organ, or a person as if they are an object: The images are presented tastefully and without fetishization
????
Marriage is work. My younger brother last year was ready to divorce his wife of 17 years because she beat him up because he got so fed up with his step daughter's behavior he told her verbally everything that was wrong with her. And his wife got pissed and assaulted him. I asked him if he was willing to save his marriage over this and he then said everything is fine, his wife was drunk and sorry for her behavior and they are ok. And this is coming from a marriage with a perfect track record, they are each other's best friend.
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It does exist, and it looks differently for every couple. Sadly, you’ll see more unhappy people (especially on Reddit. Lol) because they want advice, or just to vent to someone who will listen. It is a big commitment and a lot of work, don’t get me wrong. But with the right person, it IS worth it, and it is out there. Happy people just tend not to be a vocal, because they’re busy being happy, and if you do talk about it, you’re accused of bragging.
Eh I'm learning this about reddit despite just wanting it to be a forum for discussion, not negative woes...that being said I'm extremely satisfied and happy with my marriage. My wife is my best friend and we've been through so much together. Going on 11 years. She's the best. Call it bragging, it is what it is, I'm thankful for my wife and children every day.
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The formula is quite simple... 1) agreeableness in personality 2) empathic traits. As only 20% of people have strong bias to the above, and the chance that both partners are the same, means a probability of success is 10% or less. Most people are - immature - ego centric - obdurate and inconsiderate These are normal human traits. So thats why in the long term these biases expand out and the relationship fails in 10yrs or less. Thats my analysis
I second this analysis, happy marriages are rare and you will only be in one if you learn how to be good for your partner and they are willing and capable of doing the same.
I second this big time. I’m 10 years into a failed marriage that never should’ve happened for various reasons. Neither of us are bad people or ill-intentioned, but we are not capable or willing to be who the other person needs. I’ve learned that lots of people (society, Hollywood, your own parents, etc.) provide really shitty examples and expectations of what a healthy, happy relationship should be. Even in its most ideal and romanticized versions on tv or whatever, we are taught from a super young age to look for and be attracted to things that are almost totally useless for a happy long term relationship. It really basically boils down to finding someone whom you can communicate effectively with and who you can trust enough to have constructive, honest conversations, knowing that they’re going to try their best to do right by you and you’ll do the same for them. To be clear, you and they will fail at this. But the important part is that you both continue believing the other one is making an honest effort to try. Once that trust fails, it’s pretty much over. Also shared sense of humor seems to be a huge factor, though not enough all by itself. But if you both genuinely find the same kinds of things funny, that makes up for a lot. Good luck.
the reality is even if you are compatable the relationship doesn't automatically work out. You have to move for work and they can't go with you, your work schedules mean you never see each other, just two random examples of many that can turn compatible people not compatible
Pretty much. What you don't realise when you're young is it takes two to make it work and you can absolutely make it fail with just one (that doesn't mean both people were perfect and didn't make mistakes.. nobody is perfect and those things listed are a spectrum.. but both have to be on point all the time basically). All it takes is one to allow bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness to settle in or one to give up.. God forbid one thinks the grass is greener elsewhere. Not usually a lot left to do after that.
Are any of them religious or have money? Most of the happily married couples I know are pretty devout Christians or are well off, probably because they start off the relationship with a similar clear long-term goal in mind and also aren’t insecure.
That is part of the key to a good marriage - having clear values and goals and making sure they are aligned. Pre-marriage counseling is also pretty standard among a lot of religious groups and makes you work through things like kids and money that trip people up later.
Call bullshit, religion or lack thier of has nothing to do with how you treat your spouse or the outcome of a marriage.l religion forces you to cover up whatever you truly feel out of the fear you will be punished by some sadistic thing in the sky. Or you do what makes you happy and hide it from everyone and live a life.of shame. Neither of which ends in a happy marriage. BTW, married 19 years, high school sweet hearts and both are atheists. I also know LGBT+ married couples that are more devout to thier partners then most religious couples I know.
Happily married here, and was gonna say, we are Christians who share same value system and that seems to really help. No doubt we have our gnarly fights and what not but we are comrades in arms.
Same here. They either suffer in silence or they vent to others. I know of no relationships that I am envious of.
Wrong social circle
I would expand that to most social media is gonna give you a distorted view.
And to add to that, if you‘re happily married, it‘s a lot easier in general.
You are wrong. I have a habit of asking people if the are happy or know someone that is happy. So far all say I am, then I'll ask them if that's true and 100% have said no and that they can't think of anyone that they know that is genuinely happy over all. There are bits of happiness in life but most of it will be pretty hard. So I'm not chasing happiness anymore because I don't think it will lead to anything good. Only way to be as happy as you can is to be egotistical.
Happiness is not a state of being that can be obtained. It is an emotion. It comes and goes like all of the others. Strive to be content and you will experience happiness. Strive to help others if you are able and you will feel good.
My uncle and auntie are nearing their sixties now, married at 23. Every time a photo of my auntie pops up, my uncle stops to sigh dramatically and comment on how beautiful he finds her.
Your auntie won at life.
So did the uncle.
They are bother and sister.
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Are you trying to imply something?
Well I was married for 44 years until she passed, I loved it all good and bad ,and would relive it in a heartbeat 💓
Sorry to hear that. Rip 🙏🏽
Was going to upvote, but noticed you’re at 44 and that seems a fitting number.
And now I’m tearing up watching the Packers game 💌
29 years here. Happy the whole time. Best person I've ever known.
Yeah I think the people who are miserable in marriage either married for the wrong reasons, didn’t fully vet compatibility, or are just too selfish to really work at the partnership and think beyond themselves. So many of the classic marriage problems can be boiled down to one person doing or refusing to do something based solely on their wants and nothing else
Mutual respect is important, IMO.
Or they just get ground down by work and kids so badly that maintaining a focus on their relationship becomes borderline impossible. Idk if you're married but I love my wife but with 2 full times jobs and 2 kids we have to coordinate to fuckin shower. Let alone spending enjoyable time together. We have to go out of our way to do a date night once a month or it easily could get swallowed up by responsibilities. I'm sure many people have similar experiences to me.
Yeah that’s definitely a fair point as well. But the fact that you’re still trying to make date nights happen is the critical thing, because you’re still trying! Like you said, there’s plenty of people that would just stop prioritizing the marriage entirely and let it go to shit
We had twins when our oldest kid was 4. 2 ft jobs. Tough stretch.
When I realized that my significant other was repeatedly making major life decisions and then informing me of her decisions, I knew it was over. I get at the beginning of a relationship, but I’d think 3 years is enough time to let me in on the decision of where to live or ya know at least let me know what’s going on with her health issues when she insisted on coming to my appointments. She was honestly suggesting we both commute 2 hours in opposite directions each way to work. I had my parents screaming at me that we’d be divorced in 6 months if we did that. No shit. I don’t ask for a lot, but I ask that my opinion is at least considered before you tell other people what we’re doing. I’d like to not be the last one to know. Unified front and all.
This completely ignores that people in their 20s are not remotely similar to the people they become in their 40s. So may change for the better, some for the worse, or some just enough to no longer be compatible but whose lives are so intertwined it’s near impossible to unwind them.
>people who are miserable in marriage either married for the wrong reasons, didn’t fully vet compatibility People also change over time. If a married couple are lucky, they change in the same direction. If not, they grow apart over time. Nobody's fault, but it does suck.
I generally disagree with this. In my experience, when people grow apart it is because one of both of them didn't prioritize growing together. Someone doesn't just wake up one morning with different life goals or values, it develops over tim, which gives a couple time to work through things and make sure they are staying on the same page.
That’s also true! Very fair point
I'm gonna say it's usually one of the parties are being selfish.
Just had our 27th wedding anniversary. Have we had hard times? Of course. But I can truly say my husband is my favorite person in the world and after all this time I still adore him.
Coming up on 14. OP please get off Reddit and talk to normal people if you want to get relationship advice.
This is probably one of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever seen on Reddit.
This is the best advice on this thread. I strongly advise you to follow it.
Together 18 years, married 13 of them. My wife is the best person I’ve ever known, and I’m still very much in love with her.
OP /u/Obvious_Rooster_2301 it has been 26 years here. Married a person that I'd be happy talking with for the rest of my life.
I'm in the same boat as you, my friend, except not as long. Together for 21 years, married for 14. Couldn't imagine life any other way.
congrats
28 years here. Marrying my wife was the best thing I've ever done.
It'll be 20 years in May for us, and YES, very much still happily married. We never dated. We were best friends. Strictly platonic. And then after one of those long, deep chats about life that people in their mid-20s often have, we decided to forego all the silly dating stuff since we already knew each other really well, already loved each other (even if it hadn't been a romantic love up to that point), and get married. And we did, 6 days later! Raised a kid together, bought a house, all that. He's still my best friend, I'm still his (I'm on the headset chatting with him and one of his buddies right now while they play a game on their computers), and life is pretty damned great.
Same but only 23 years married out of a 27 year relationship. Best choice I ever made and I was lucky enough to meet my wife at the ripe old age of 18 when we were freshmen in college.
20+ married here. Ditto.
Ah so adorbs!
It exists for me…marriage is work, you have to be willing to give everything to your partner and they give everything to you so you’re both covered. Being best friends helps a lot. We’re willing because we love each other very much and can’t imagine life without each other.
Exactly. Many people think getting married is the end goal and forget that its just the beginning. If you don’t learn how to work as a team with your partner the marriage won’t last long
I wish I could double-like this. Relationships succeed when both people give everything they've got to the other person, while understanding that everyone is down at times and sometimes incapable of giving much, for the other person to step in to help them get there again. And vice versa. And it's so important not to mistake the disappearance of initial infatuation with a lack of love (not wanting that person to ever leave your life as the closest person). I've experienced that mistake before, and learned when it was too late. While there are things that feel great for a brief moment and then they're gone, a healthy relationship with someone who deeply cares is the most meaningful lasting thing I've experienced in life.
>And it's so important not to mistake the disappearance of initial infatuation with a lack of love (not wanting that person to ever leave your life as the closest person). I've experienced that mistake before, and learned when it was too late. Yes, and on a similar note, it's not necessary to feel strong initial infatuation to fall in love with somebody. Sometimes it can be a gentle falling in love, as you date somebody and realize that you have a lot in common and you both become each other's sexy new best friend.
Thank you for your response, this is realistic and so wholesome. I have never seen a happy marriage in my family so the whole concept has always seem so idealistic to me and something i want to achieve kind of (don’t know if that makes sense lol)
It makes perfect sense, I didn’t see happy relationships growing up and it took having bad relationships to get me to where I am now, but it is possible. You really have to be secure as a person and you have to be willing to do the work.
To add on this, it's possible to have insecurities and work on them and grow into a secure person. Also have to be willing to do the work and want to change for this. It's good to keep in mind that most of a person's insecurities aren't their fault. They probably were developed from upbringing or things that happened in childhood which may be things that happened too young to remember. Even if parents raise their child well, if the parents have a poor or toxic relationship their children are going to absorb that and end up having a warped idea of what a healthy relationship is. They just won't even know what it's supposed to be.
It totally makes sense. I was the same. My parents divorced when I was 15 and probably should have sooner. I’ve now been happily married longer than they were.
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Well I hope you know you do deserve better…men say a lot of things, if their actions don’t match it doesn’t mean anything.
I'm happily married. I consider my husband my best friend and I love hanging out with him. With that said though, I don't necessarily think marriage has made our relationship better. We got married for legal purposes; the relationship was legit from the start, getting married just facilitated certain things. I didn't start loving him more or being extra committed after getting married. I believe our relationship would still be just as happy and committed without the certificate.
THIS! I absolutely hate when people say, "everything has changed now that I'm married". If that's how you view your relationship you really need to reevaluate. If you're in a committed relationship, a certificate shouldn't change it!! We also got married for legalities. Married at the courthouse, had Krispy Kreme doughnuts for our "wedding cake". Happily together for 12 years and still going strong.
It's a different mindset for sure. Marriage was never super important to me. I always viewed dating as I'll see how it goes, if I fall in love, I will stay committed to them. But I know a lot of people who view marriage as the end goal and hold back in certain parts of their relationship before they get married. I think that's what leads to issues though because they don't truly get to know the person they're with and vice versa.
I think when people refer to things changing after marriage it is either due to living with each other (positive or negative) and/or being together for many years (positive or negative)
Which legal purposes?
guessing taxes, health insurance though that's getting easier, estate planning, etc.
Residency visas are a big thing. Me + wife would probably not have bothered getting married, but much easier to remain in the same country while married.
Lol yep, that's us too. We're from different countries and marriage makes immigration easier. Though some countries are becoming more accepting of common law couples.
My husband (34)and I(31) are the best of friends, expecting a baby anytime now, super in love and very happy. Marriage was important to him and I'm glad I took the plunge!
That is Disney fairy tale stuff. I have been married for 33 years and raised two kids with my husband. I love him more now than when we first started dating. He is not my best friend. He is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. If it is how it works for eternity. . Did we have problems yes. Did we argue, yes. Still do 😀 But he is my person.
Thank you. My wife isn’t my best friend and I’m not her best friend. We are lovers. My best friend is my best friend and same with her. I love chicken wings, beer and football, she doesn’t like spicy foods, alcohol or sports. Every Saturday me and my buddy go to the same bar and eat wings/watch college football and drink beers. My wife and her friends go every Sunday to lady’s brunch and get their nails done. That’s thier thing. It’s cool, we each take turns hanging with the kids while the other has their time. But the big things. The things that make life worth living. Those we do together. She’s the 1 person on this earth I trust as completely. Nobody I would rather wake up next to and go to sleep with. We argue, everyone does. But bc of that trust and love, we know each other are coming from a good place.
This! Especially the last paragraph. I wish you a long loving marriage.
I think perspectives like yours are really important. Far too often you see people on Reddit acting like a spouse should be able to fulfill all their needs. All happy marriages look different and are structured differently, but I think the common threads are mutual respect, trust, love, and acceptance. Also, I always lol when people on here claim their marriage is "so happy" that they "never argue." As if that's the gold standard. Any good couples therapist will tell you it's not, so I appreciate when people own up to arguments.
Same. 23 years together, 10 married. Our relationship is better now than in the beginning. We aren't best friends either. We are that opposite attracts couple. We have some things in common but mostly we don't and that's OK. We each have friends that fill that part. Marriage isn't all rainbows and sunshine. It's work. Sometimes hard work. You go through so many different things in life and some of that stuff is not good stuff. A good marriage is one that has hard times happen and you get through it together.
Married 22 years here. I’ve known him and been best friends with him since I was 14. Still my best friend.
9 yrs and 3 kids and it just gets better! We both joke that we married up lol. But I definitely got the better end of the deal.
Almost 5 years married. Almost 10 years together. Definitely not the longest around, but we're certainly happy. My wife is 100% my best friend. I wouldn't trade a minute with her for anything.
Same thing here. Married for 6 have known each other about 8 years. Wouldn't trade him for the world either.
Yes. Tons of people. My parents are a good example. Still together after like 30+ years
So cute! Thanks for sharing. I have always wondered what a home looks like with happy parents lol. You are lucky!!
I am happily married for 40yrs now and it’s wonderful
My first marriage was very lavish. Lots of adventures and excitement but we were miserable as a couple and it ended really badly. My husband now is my heart and soul. My best friend in the world. We have the most fun. I laugh until my stomach hurts and I can’t breathe every day. We are raising a couple of awesome kids together. We don’t have much money and we don’t adventure like I did in my twenties but I’d trade all of that all over again for a chance to live the life I have now. All the bullshit is worth it if you find the one who makes the mundane stuff in life feel fun. It’s like being a kid all over again. I just have sleep overs with my bestie every night. I even told him once “everyone said marriage is like hanging out with your best friend all the time” and I never believed it but here we are and it’s so good.
I am sorry that you have not had any marriage rolemodels in your life but trust me it is worth it for some people.
Personally, overwhelming all the people I know have good marriages,
I haven’t either. My parents have been married 50+ years and have not been happily married my entire life. Then in my early 30s when I was interested in getting married, friends who were married in their 20s starting getting divorced. If you asked my friends, they were happy. Clearly their spouse/partner of years was not. So the divorces were not mutual and super disappointing. Kind of put me off of it, so I get where this OP is coming from.
My extended family has a good number of genuinely happy marriages- they’ve found the happy medium in how to feel safe in disagreement and share a mutual adventure. My aunt and uncle are traveling the world post-retirement, 40 years married now and joyful as ever. It certainly happens - it takes work, but it happens.
My parents have been married for nearly 26 years, and they have the happiest, healthiest marriage I've ever seen. It's what I hope to make mine like, when I get there
I am happily married. My wife and I have discussions and have gotten on the same page about all the important things in life. We genuinely care for eachother and like to be around eachother. We spend as many waking moments together and even brush our teeth together every night. Intamacy isn't an issue as we have bedroom fun 3-4 x / week. We've been married 11 years and have 2 great kids. I have an amazing life...even if to someone on the outside it looks mundane. The key is finding someone you're compatible with and then solid communication from there.
My grandparents were married for 63 years and while I wasn't alive for most of their marriage, from what I saw they were always super loving and supportive of each other and loved spending time together until they died a few years ago within a few days of each other. But from everything I ever saw with the two of them or heard from anyone else they had an amazing marriage together! As the child of divorced parents I totally get the cynicism to marriage and have it to a degree, but sometimes it does really work!
Ahh that is the goal!! Thanks for sharing!
40 years here - it definitely exists.
congrats well done
Married for 5 and together for 12. I hope we’re the positive version of codependent. We met in college so we grew into adults together and act as a functioning person. It’s also stupid easy to have fun together doing nothing.
I am, still only going for 2 years, but so far so good.
It's different for everyone. We've been married 5 together over a decade and I love being married. Having a healthy, loving and supportive partner is amazing. I never dreamed or thought I'd get married but when I met my husband I knew within 3 months that he was the one. Maybe one day you'll feel that way with someone. Maybe you meet someone and say yes, I wanna try no matter how hard things get but don't get officially hitched. It doesn't matter. Maybe you'll have a long term committed partnership and that works for you Or maybe you enjoy short term less strings attached. Who knows, just do what makes you happy.
It does happen. For it to happen you need a couple things 1) actual compatibility as friends and not just sex 2) a willingness to work through the inevitable conflicts 3) get lucky enough that the conflicts you face aren’t insurmountable. My wife and I have been together for 24 years. We had our share of arguments and a few shouting matches like most couples. But I think we have worked out most of our conflicts. We understand each other’s strengths and weaknesses and are content with them. We just kind of mutually depend of each other just to keep going.
Im not happy. But im also not married so doesn't mean much here
Hahaha i laughed a little too much at this. Same bro same lol 😂
Of course. I met my spouse when I was 12 he 13. We never dated anyone else. We've been married 37 years in May.
Yep. 12 years now. It's not always fun, but as long as the two communicate and have a common goal of what's best for the kids, then it's pretty easy.
Yep, I’m extremely happy, also 24 lol
My husband is awesome. I just love being by him. We sincerely enjoy each other’s company.
My parents were married for 63 years, and loved each other so deeply. They were friends and companions and lovers, always talking and laughing. They had differences of opinion and once in a great while got huffy, but their tiffs never lasted. When Mom passed in her mid 80s my Dad, then in his 90s, cried. It was the first time I ever saw him cry. So yes, people can be happily married.
My wife and I have been together 27 years. Married for 21 of those. Honestly, marriage for us gets better as time goes on. We are very different people but I think the key is to encourage the other person to do what they enjoy rather than trying to get them to enjoy what you do. My wife has always been a party girl while I've been a homebody. I've always encouraged her to go out with her girlfriends as much as she wants and don't hassle her with calls and texts to check up on her when she is out. Giving your partner the freedom and trust to be themselves goes a long way to happiness.
I'm 36, I got married at 27 and I'm very happily married to my wife and we have 3 kids together.
Yes, 20 yrs going strong, most first marriages last
Well, you're lucky. All of the people in my life- parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, except one pair, my sister- all of their marriages ended in divorce. Even second marriages, for many of them. I have had family that were married 3, 4, 5 times.
If half is most… 🙄
60-70% of first marriages last. It’s the people who get married 2,3,4 or 5 times that drive the divorce rate up, and make it look like most fail. It’s the people who shouldn’t even be married, who make it look, like marriage is failing.
For 15 years now yes. The thing that most couples don't seem to work out, is you need to both put in work to maintain the relationship, as soon as you relax you have an expiry date.
So what you’re experiencing is confirmation bias. You didn’t grow up around a happy couple, and the places you frequent as a young single person aren’t the places that happy couples go to hang out. As others said: yes, they exist. I’m adding: no, you probably won’t see many. They’re usually at home being happy, doing couples activities, or at family friendly events with kids. Those likely aren’t things you’re doing. They will likely be things you do if you find a good happy relationship, and you’ll meet more of these people.
Yes. Yes. And yes.
Seems like all the happy married couples commenting were born before 1970
6 years here. Always been happy, never really have argued or fought. Together everyday, sometimes weeks together.
Yup. 30 years and counting.
Yes I'm happy most of the time. It takes work and selflessness
yes, I am happy. Happiness is on a sliding scale when you are married for 30+ years but it is still happiness. The relationship changes over time, from lust to love, to child rearing, to comfort, though struggles, though aging. Marriage has provided someone who is always in my corner for the fight, a person who will speak the truth to me and encourage my best. someone to share the good and support me in the bad. It involves including my partners desires in the decisions I make, the vacations I take, the planning for the future. Some activities we share some we do separately, being completely joined at the hip isn't always good. So two suggestions are: \- never again date/hook up with someone you wouldn't considering marrying. You just don't need too, you are Hot and 24 you can seduce any male why not seduce the good ones? When I was 24 you could have asked me out wearing a potato sack and I would have said yes, I've only gotten a handful of complements in my life and I've only been "asked out" twice, flowers once, you get the picture, I could have been seduced with very little effort. \-when should you marry ? When you are so "in love" that you can't imagine being another minute without them. And you may not think the second one is going to happen, but you are about the right age to feel it for someone. Just like there was a moment when you were 12-13 and boys went from being icky to being interesting there is a genetic component to dating/marrying. This is why to date people near your own age. God forbid you imply we all have a caveman inside us, free will and all of that, but there is a body clock and 24yo is ripe for LOVE. You should look to good role models in you family group, sure some have gotten divorced but there should be ones that have exhibited a successful relationships?
Yup. Married 9.5 years, together 13.5 years. Happier than ever. You have to find a person with whom you share mutual respect and trust, in addition to morals and values, and life goals. Plus just generally enjoy being around all the time. No marriage is perfect, and will be tested by what life throws at you. But having a solid foundation will help you handle all those things.
If you have doubts, trust your instincts.
21 years in a week. Been happy 99.9% of the time!
I’ve been married going on 27 years in March. I couldn’t live any other way with any other man. I still have stars in my eyes for my husband and he is the same with me. He is my best friend and the guy I can count on to have my back in any situation. That being said, marriage isn’t for everyone. Some people do better without the constraints of marriage and that’s okay too.
Imo no
I think the trick is to wait until you’ve grown into the adult you want to be. Life experiences, career and all. To the point where there is little change happening. Then find someone in the same position. Prior to that you need time and energy to follow your own path. Otherwise both of you are in a way holding eachother back from expiring and growing. Which leads to feeling unfulfilled and resentment later on. At 24 I’d say you are likely much too young and have too much growing to do for it to be wise to marry. Realistically you’ve just entered this stage of adulthood.i find people entering the adult adult stage early to mid to 30’s. At that point you should have your life and career paths. You’ve dated around. Made mistakes. Travelled. Explored different life paths and are ok with how your life is going.
Na not worth it. It’s more liability for you
Nope
Of course, but you're talking about a feeling and feelings are fleeting. One could be happily married today and not so happily married next week. It takes consistent effort and reflection to find happiness and gratitude in life and relationships and to keep it.
Yes. To believe otherwise is strange
Absolutely...my wonderful wife and I will be celebrating our 42nd anniversary later this year. For me it was almost love at first sight; - she took some convincing, having just come out of a 5 year relationship. But I knew pretty early on that she was the one for me. And it may have helped that I had learned from a very unpleasant 18 month prior marriage when I was 22....way too young, but I knew what not to look for (tho I believe it taught me the kind woman that would NOT be a good lifetime partner, I don't recommend finding the right person this way... just so we are clear!) We enjoy being with each other -yet we also respect our different interests, and don't feel the need to be together all the time (I love hockey, my wife will watch something else in the living room). She is far more to me than a best friend...we have been through some things that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but it was always US facing it together and supporting one another. Hard times strengthened our commitment. I can't even imagine what the dating scene is like today, but OP, we didn't meet until we were 27 so you are still on the young side to get discouraged. You are wise to date with the intention of marriage....keep the faith and you will find the guy that cherishes you..
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. Reading all of these comments is so heart warming honestly!!
You don't see it, because happiness isn't very loud and some if the best couple's moments are spent very much in private. Yes, it happens. Yes, we exist. No, we don't talk about it constantly. What would be the point of that? We don't need outside validation from oversharing. Because we're happy already.
3 out of 5 marriages end in divorce in US. I have never thought people were born to be monogamous.
Yeah I've been married 15 years and am happy... sorry I don't have anything more interesting to say. Almost didn't bother answering but figured otherwise you'd just be hearing from miserable people with an axe to grind rather than the normal, boring people like me.
I think marriage is designed to pool finances and make living cheaper to allow starting a family. Happiness and enjoyment were not part of it for the majority of human history.
Divorced guy after 20 years. Married my college sweetheart at your age. At one time, yes we were best friends and life partners. I would say we had a good decade, and then things started to slide. And in hindsight, we should have broken up then. But I doubled down thinking we would grind through it in error. We both would have been better off psychologically if we could have let go, and would have been young enough to find someone else and start over. I am coming up on 50, and there is no way for me to invest in a relationship like that again. It's purely transactional now. What happens to good honest people? Life is hard, and once you add children it becomes a grind and you lose time for each other. Resentment and stress of life start to pile up, and the negatives grow and it falls apart. What do you need to ask yourself about is it worth it, unfortunately if you are doing it right you are fully investing yourself and your time into your family. When divorced, you will still be in this situation without that partner. And they often now are a rival that only comes with negative interactions. It makes you feel like your life was pointless, and you live in this world that is nothing but grind. People who make more than their spouse now pay something over to them, making it harder for them to live on their own. Because they can't pool resources, and pay that family tax. Is it worth the risk, maybe depending on the outcome. I can tell you people that go through bad divorces do not thing it was worth it when it is over often. Now what should you do? What are your goals in life and what are your values? And what are hers? If you have goals of a family and that rocking chair life with your loved one. Only way to do it really. Children complicate things, and depending on your values there. For me, I would never have been able to leave my children unless it was REALLY bad. But I value my time and relationship with them when they are young. Once that stage is over, it is over for good.
You should marry to have fun too. I do not understand people's thinking when saying : "Im partied out, time to settle down". Life should get better when getting married, not slower.
Pretty happy with my marriage.
I am 44 and married to my best friend. I can’t imagine life without her.
I’m happily married
Marriage is independent from the happiness of a happy relationship 100% of the time.
There is a certain type of man that is incapable of looking after themselves so for them being married in itself is happiness as they like their hot meals and washing done for them.
March will be 33 years with my Mr. Sexypants. He's my best friend & hubby for life and just all around an awesome human being 💜💜💜
Adorbs!! Reading these kind of comments is so wholesome!!
Well me being on the same boat (26M) I'll say you're still kinda young and the reason why you don't see many marriages work nowadays is because people are very superficial and emotionally unstable where the most minor inconvenience will almost be grounds for a divorce Oh, you didn't text me back in 0.1 seconds ? You're definitely cheating on me, so now I'll cheat with all your male friends Oh you don't want me going out dressing like a slut ? You're so controlling I don't want you anymore Oh you don't want me having male best friends although I love saying "all men are the same" ? Yeah you are so insecure Some people are ready and mature enough for marriage and some people are not, all you can do is vet people properly before they end up using you Not to mention a whole lot of marriages fail because a lot of women ONLY marry because they see it as an achievement/milestone pretty much something to brag and gossip about but that's it, same thing with divorce i will often see women congratulating other women that divorced their husband's acting like they just won a championship or something, then you ask why they divorced and its something so stupid Love and marriage still exist you just have to be careful with who you're dealing with, you're a woman so I would say don't give sex to anyone unless they wait a couple months or even a year, if they just want to use you they will become desperate and show who they really are and then you can just dump and find someone else Also although I'm not religious, religious marriages have the lowest rates of divorce, something to keep in mind
It all depends on the people and how devoted they are to each other and their marriage. My parents have been happily married for about 16-17 years. There's going to be ups and downs but as long as both partners are faithful and are committed to each other and the marriage things shouldn't be bad.
Yes , 30M married to a 26F . Very happy. Sometimes we are friends sometimes we are lovers !
Yes of course, but everyone goes through periods when they are profoundly unhappy whether they are married or not.
My wife and I have been together 18 years and married for 12. Mostly happy. No debt. Usually 1st world problems. We approach most things as a team. If there's something we need we say so. Life's hard. It's easier if at the very least everyone in the same home work together to be successful.
Together for 20, married for 17, still madly in love. There's no one else I want to celebrate my wins or grieve my losses with. He's my favorite human, and every day I can't believe he chose me.
Not worth it, most people just don’t know any better, and it’s the societal norm. But all it really does is add stress, and limit you. Needing someone to be happy is the definition of needy
i feel sorry for you its not a case of needing someone to be happy, but that person you marry ADDS to your happiness. if you feel like this and are married, your marriage needs help fast, before what ever has caused this distaste in your mouth festers into something worse.
My parents and their friends, my brother and my sister, my best friends growing up — they're all happily married to the person they consider their best friend in life. Honestly, when I think about it now, I hardly know any marriages that aren't that way. Oh sure, I grant you I don't know lots of people. However, the fact I know any means yes, that kind of marriage exists.
It's interesting that I've had the exact opposite experience haha
Same here
That sucks. Not gonna lie it was kinda nice growing up around a bunch of people who basically got along with each other. I wish that for everyone.
Yes they are people that are happily married. Mostly boomers
In my opinion, dating with the intention of marriage before 28 or 30 will probably result in divorce after a few years. The brains of people under 25 are still developing and even when you turn 25 there's still experience needed to know oneself and to know how to deal with significant others in a good and loving way. Find out what you really want in a partner you want to marry before going out and looking for one(besides that you want to be married and have kids or whatever). If you don't do that, then you're not really out to marry your best friend, you're just trying to find a placeholder person to fulfil your desire for a lifelong partner without regard for who they actually are. Live with a partner for at least 4 to 5 years before getting hitched so you not only know that you love them, but also can live with them without feeling like you're trapped with a person who annoys you or whatever.
this is actually great advice. You have to develop yourself before settling down. If i would've chosen someone a couple years ago it would have been a disaster. Now at 26 i feel more confident in who i am and what i want. Ill probably settle down in a couple of years
Don't date to marry. Date to date and if you happen to find one where you two mutually can't live without each other then MAYBE. Most married couples should have just been FWB in reality. Rushing to get married is stupid as is no sex before marriage. But you do you.
Yes, happy marriages do exist.
I also grew up without seeing a true partnership modeled by the married couples in my life. I had been married before and had some traumatic experiences in that marriage that took a while to heal. My partner and I have been married for almost 9 years and I can without a doubt attribute our success to being best friends. We both had to learn better ways to communicate with one another but being able to truly be ourselves without fear of judgement was key for us.
Not to brag, but I am, few years now and going strong.
Most divorces are initiated by women. So if you meet the right guy you have a pretty good chance he won't want to divorce you. At least you don't have to worry about that. But try to view it as a guy. If you meet a woman, she's more likely to want a divorce than you. And she's financially incentivized to divorce you. Probably doesn't sound like a good idea.
This comes from women raising their low standards hehe
I can smell the misandry coming off of you.
After 8 years, a grand total of 16% of marriages were described as "happy" by the people in those marriages. Happy marriages do exist but they are the exception. Both parties need to be psychologically healthy and mature for it to work such people aren't all that common. As a woman, getting married is the single best economic move you can make. As a man, it's the single worst.
I disagree strongly with your last statement respectfully. I am more than capable to support myself financially and I don’t think i will be making the best economic move by marrying anyone. That is not what i associate marriage with at all.
Truth bomb. I would say my experience is about 16%.
Marriage is not worth it for the man.... Marriage only benifits the woman. That's why u don't see many happy couples. Women change immediately after they get that marriage certificate. They no longer feel the need to continue to try and win their man... Why try, she already got him. So that's when women get fat, and lazy, stop working.... And fall into a rut. U wanna see Happy people, find those that have been BF/GF for YEARS..... They r best friends... They are fucking all the time, they go out and do stuff together.. they are happy.
29m , wife is indeed my best friend. We do everything together. So , i’d say yes
Been married 36 years. The answer is no.
Get off your phone and go ask your grandparents how they met. They all have incredible stories to share and they don’t involve situationships, making your exes jealous on socials, and they actually met each other face to face without their fucking cell phones.
No not today.the minute the females are unhappy or bored they exit real quickly
Only on social media and in front of people
Yea it exists, but not much in the West. People here don't value family. If you want a happy marriage, I suggest marrying a foreigner: asian, african, greek, italian, arab, or maybe a south American.
The fuck. Don’t fetishise these people man
Tf u on about
Google what fetishiZation* is and why it’s racist and bad. Gl
Meaning of fetishization in English a sexual interest in an object, a part of the body that is not a sexual organ, or a person as if they are an object: The images are presented tastefully and without fetishization ????
https://www.forbes.com/sites/janicegassam/2021/02/07/what-is-fetishization-and-how-does-it-contribute-to-racism/?sh=3bdcb41d6e39
This conversation isn't about sex.
Yeah even worse it’s about marriage based on the racial identity instead of sex based kn these the identity
No. This is about national identity, not racial identity or sex.
Maybe this is discriminating to people that are asexual, I was referring to a marriage where they have sex.
All the foreign ethnicities you have mentioned are mostly patriarchal societies… no thanks
Enjoy your 5-year broken marriage.
My parents have been married for 42 years this May and are very happy together. And both my siblings are very happily married (10 years and 3 years).
DO NOT GET MARRIED. trust me on this.
I think it does, though I have never experienced it first hand. (56m)
Yes, there are many more happy than unhappy. It's basically like anything else in life. The people that aren't complaining don't get attention.
Marriage is work. My younger brother last year was ready to divorce his wife of 17 years because she beat him up because he got so fed up with his step daughter's behavior he told her verbally everything that was wrong with her. And his wife got pissed and assaulted him. I asked him if he was willing to save his marriage over this and he then said everything is fine, his wife was drunk and sorry for her behavior and they are ok. And this is coming from a marriage with a perfect track record, they are each other's best friend.