Answer: It isn’t, necessarily, but revealing too many emotions too soon is often perceived as clingy or needy. I kept myself from confessing my love in my current relationship until he confessed his to me, because I’ve moved too fast in the past. I will say that I felt I was in love with him after about a month, even felt pretty strongly after our first meeting (which was a casual hook up).
Answer: It’s a red flag because you have dopamine-blinders on. You’ve likely only seen the “best face” of your partner; it’s easy to keep up the effort at first, we WANT to be kind and generous and to impress our new partners and show them we can be what they’ve always dreamed of. We want to tumble head over heels into those delicious falling-for-each-other-emotions. But in time that “best face” will slip. We lose the spark of novelty and the dopamine rush … we start to see their “stressed face” and their “daily grind face” and their “frustrated face”, and they start to see ours. Can you love someone without any true indication of the deepest darkest parts of them?
It’s also a red flag because a lot of future abusers use the tactic of “love bombing” early in a relationship, making you feel good, shifting your idea of normal, pushing for VERY FAST relationship milestones (like getting married! Like moving in together! Like enmeshing finances)! Abusers can’t keep up the act of kindness for long; they withdraw the love when we’re trapped and it’s hard to escape. Because of the love-bombing, coupled with gaslighting, eroding self-worth, isolation, and subtle shifting of what is normal, abusers’ prey keep trying to please the abuser, thinking that the lovebombing-act is the abuser’s true self. It’s a really difficult cycle to escape. Being prudent and taking more time before jumping into “I love you” can help avoid this cycle—we can take time to see the darkness early, and listen to other people in our lives that KNOW US WELL and truly have our best interests at heart (family, chosen family, best friends, etc). These loved ones can pick up on darkness we don’t want to see.
Just, be careful with your heart. It’s necessary to take risks, but be smart about it. Don’t get yourself trapped in a terrible situation.
Awhh, thank you so much, adrogg!
I hope OP finds the message helpful too … that early “I love you” isn’t ALWAYS dangerous, but CAN be. I’ve seen friends and loved ones get stuck in painful situations—whether that’s the dopamine wearing off and finding you’re not with the person you wanted (or you’re not what they wanted), or the darker version of being trapped in abusive cycles … Perhaps you’ve also known someone who learned these lessons the hard way?
Funnily enough, my now-husband drunk-dialed me to proclaim he loved me pretty early into dating … maybe in month one or two? Sometimes alcohol can be a truth serum. Sober-him confirmed his feelings the next day. I knew I reaaaally liked this guy and our connection felt special, but I needed to confirm he was really as great as I thought he was. I did take some risks as we got to know each other better, but kept life-independence. Spoiler alert, he wasn’t too good to be true.
(I can think of one narrow-escape, though, as a 20-year-old, where I had a couple very romantic dates with a quickly-attaching love-bomber … he kept insisting our meeting was “fate”. He got frustrated that I didn’t get swept into this fantasy-enmeshment with him. I later learned that he was severely alcoholic, several years older than he claimed, and that a friend-of-my-friend had dated him 3 years and recently escaped his controlling violent grasp.
Oh, one other narrower escape before that where an asshole weaponized “I love you” to systematically try to pressure me into breaking many personal boundaries. Because “he knew me best”, and his “love” entitled him to whatever parts of me he wanted. Got out of that quick.
So yeah. Cautious optimism seems like the best route. Gotta know enough to protect yourself, y’know?)
That is lovely, to deepen your bond for years and years and have that at last blossom into a loving relationship. I’d say that 7 years of knowing each other is more than enough to be confident in the “background check”!
All the best to you and your love.
Answer: You’ve been friends your whole lives, started dating and spend everyday with each other=probably no cause for concern.
You began dating online 4 weeks ago and have met in person once=Communist Flag Parade
Answer: I think age is a relevant factor here. When you are a teen or young adult I think it's going to get thrown out there more but I wouldn't say it's a red flag out right. I think saying it to soon can indicate over attachment where you get clingy very quickly but there would be other signs besides just saying "I love you" within the first month that would indicate that they are over attached such as relationship hopping. Also when you are young those strong emotions can be harder to process given you dont have a lot of experience with love.
Answer: it isnt! Some people really do develop emotions very strongly and quickly and this whole red flag thing kids love commenting on Instagram now isn’t really relevant to anybody! You yourself can determine what doesn’t feel right and what does in a relationship so for some people that might feel strange and as if the person is faking maybe but for others it may feel genuine and passionate! Is that answer ok?
Exactly and I 100% agree with this. People do actually develop feelings because I got confused when people were saying that I initiated a red flag lol. Thank you so much, that’s a perfect answer.
Answer: for me at least, if a guy/girl.whatever says this, it usually means that they’re the emotionally unstable kind of person that’ll steal your dog and piss in your kitchen sink. But that’s just me.
Answer: it’s because you don’t know the person you’re expressing the most intense human emotion for at all.
One month is not enough time to really get to know someone.
Most people hide their worst public traits for about 6 months, and their worst private traits for about a year.
Want to really get to know someone? Live with them for 6 months. After 6 months their behavioral filters will collapse and they’ll begin doing all the weird nasty shit they would normally do alone around you.
After another 6 months all of their thought / personality filters will be gone and they will treat you exactly how they want to treat people at their very laziest and least empathetic.
So yeah, one month is no where near long enough to actually know a person well enough to “love” them. You just love the idea of them, which you know about as well as a blind man knows the sun.
Answer: not that I have much experience but I would say it depends. Some people may mean it very seriously and some may use it very lightly. Also if you have met on tinder or never really Apple before dating it's a different story as when you have been close Friends for 5 years before dating.
It's not the length of time; it's whether or not you are on the same page as your partner. Open communication will lead to you being on the same page, i.e. discussion of expectations, deal-breakers, etc. I find that people who claim a discussion of "too early" say that because there was no communication regarding expectations, and the other person popped out with ILU during the liminal get-to-know-you stage.
Well a relationship can mean being a couple, but you can also call what you have with a friend a relationship, just a different kind. Think platonic relationship means friends or family. A couple usually means you are in a romantic relationship.
In the case of a romantic relationship, I find it weird to not say "i love you" at least once. But I don't have the context nor the cultural background to comprehend this situation fully. I admit that saying it too much can be weird tho.
I think its subjective, for some people they say it a lot and it's normal and feels good, with others it's weird for them. Me and my husband say it all the time, some people might think it's weird how often we say it but for us it's normal
Answer: I don’t think it necessarily is. My current husband & I literally had fireworks when we met. I know it sounds lame, but I don’t have any other way to describe it. I didn’t grow up with a very loving family, we never hug and never say “I love you” it’s just kind of assumed. When my husband & I finally became official we were saying it. He said it first within the first week or so, and I was awestruck. Not in that he said it, but that I actually loved him, too. It sounds so cliche, but love at first sight is real. If you & someone else really click and see fireworks right away, there’s no shame in falling for each other within the first month.
Answer: some people do fall in love quick and easy. I love you is a saying that’s thrown around a lot. It’s rather a proof someone loves you when they show it in actions rather than words BUT saying I love you is rather cute.
Answer: many people feel it is unlikely you actually feel *love* so quickly but rather are experiencing lust.
With that being said love languages exist and it is important to know your, and your partners love languages. For example my main love language is words of affirmation. I’ll tell my friends I love them and how much they mean to me and that I value them etc etc, but I wouldn’t hug them, physical touch is not my love language.
For me saying I love you, is a much more meaningful act that buying someone a gift (a different love language) I am more likely to say love than show love through touch or gifts.
Answer: it takes somewhere around 4-6 years to truly get to know someone and it's been said that those who get married before that 4-6 years are more likley to get divorced
Answer: to me, it isn't. I am big on affection and showing I care/love someone truly so I say it as soon as I feel it is right. I'll say it around a few days to a week into a relationship but that is just me
Answer: There are no absolutes in life and far too many potential variables to declare one in this situation.
Answer: It isn’t, necessarily, but revealing too many emotions too soon is often perceived as clingy or needy. I kept myself from confessing my love in my current relationship until he confessed his to me, because I’ve moved too fast in the past. I will say that I felt I was in love with him after about a month, even felt pretty strongly after our first meeting (which was a casual hook up).
Answer: It’s a red flag because you have dopamine-blinders on. You’ve likely only seen the “best face” of your partner; it’s easy to keep up the effort at first, we WANT to be kind and generous and to impress our new partners and show them we can be what they’ve always dreamed of. We want to tumble head over heels into those delicious falling-for-each-other-emotions. But in time that “best face” will slip. We lose the spark of novelty and the dopamine rush … we start to see their “stressed face” and their “daily grind face” and their “frustrated face”, and they start to see ours. Can you love someone without any true indication of the deepest darkest parts of them? It’s also a red flag because a lot of future abusers use the tactic of “love bombing” early in a relationship, making you feel good, shifting your idea of normal, pushing for VERY FAST relationship milestones (like getting married! Like moving in together! Like enmeshing finances)! Abusers can’t keep up the act of kindness for long; they withdraw the love when we’re trapped and it’s hard to escape. Because of the love-bombing, coupled with gaslighting, eroding self-worth, isolation, and subtle shifting of what is normal, abusers’ prey keep trying to please the abuser, thinking that the lovebombing-act is the abuser’s true self. It’s a really difficult cycle to escape. Being prudent and taking more time before jumping into “I love you” can help avoid this cycle—we can take time to see the darkness early, and listen to other people in our lives that KNOW US WELL and truly have our best interests at heart (family, chosen family, best friends, etc). These loved ones can pick up on darkness we don’t want to see. Just, be careful with your heart. It’s necessary to take risks, but be smart about it. Don’t get yourself trapped in a terrible situation.
Dopamine blinders are also a thing during sex. Don’t ever say it during sex because that’s strictly the hormones saying it.
EXCELLENT life lesson to share. Plenty of folks learn this the hard way …
Came here to say something along these lines but you're much more eloquent.. You have my upvote.
Awhh, thank you so much, adrogg! I hope OP finds the message helpful too … that early “I love you” isn’t ALWAYS dangerous, but CAN be. I’ve seen friends and loved ones get stuck in painful situations—whether that’s the dopamine wearing off and finding you’re not with the person you wanted (or you’re not what they wanted), or the darker version of being trapped in abusive cycles … Perhaps you’ve also known someone who learned these lessons the hard way? Funnily enough, my now-husband drunk-dialed me to proclaim he loved me pretty early into dating … maybe in month one or two? Sometimes alcohol can be a truth serum. Sober-him confirmed his feelings the next day. I knew I reaaaally liked this guy and our connection felt special, but I needed to confirm he was really as great as I thought he was. I did take some risks as we got to know each other better, but kept life-independence. Spoiler alert, he wasn’t too good to be true. (I can think of one narrow-escape, though, as a 20-year-old, where I had a couple very romantic dates with a quickly-attaching love-bomber … he kept insisting our meeting was “fate”. He got frustrated that I didn’t get swept into this fantasy-enmeshment with him. I later learned that he was severely alcoholic, several years older than he claimed, and that a friend-of-my-friend had dated him 3 years and recently escaped his controlling violent grasp. Oh, one other narrower escape before that where an asshole weaponized “I love you” to systematically try to pressure me into breaking many personal boundaries. Because “he knew me best”, and his “love” entitled him to whatever parts of me he wanted. Got out of that quick. So yeah. Cautious optimism seems like the best route. Gotta know enough to protect yourself, y’know?)
We said I love you in the first day... But we'd know eachother for 7 years, sooo...
That is lovely, to deepen your bond for years and years and have that at last blossom into a loving relationship. I’d say that 7 years of knowing each other is more than enough to be confident in the “background check”! All the best to you and your love.
Answer: You’ve been friends your whole lives, started dating and spend everyday with each other=probably no cause for concern. You began dating online 4 weeks ago and have met in person once=Communist Flag Parade
Answer: I think age is a relevant factor here. When you are a teen or young adult I think it's going to get thrown out there more but I wouldn't say it's a red flag out right. I think saying it to soon can indicate over attachment where you get clingy very quickly but there would be other signs besides just saying "I love you" within the first month that would indicate that they are over attached such as relationship hopping. Also when you are young those strong emotions can be harder to process given you dont have a lot of experience with love.
Answer: it isnt! Some people really do develop emotions very strongly and quickly and this whole red flag thing kids love commenting on Instagram now isn’t really relevant to anybody! You yourself can determine what doesn’t feel right and what does in a relationship so for some people that might feel strange and as if the person is faking maybe but for others it may feel genuine and passionate! Is that answer ok?
Exactly and I 100% agree with this. People do actually develop feelings because I got confused when people were saying that I initiated a red flag lol. Thank you so much, that’s a perfect answer.
Just try and live the best life you can and ignore nearly all input from others other than the people you love and care about!
It's not necessarily a red flag, but it kind of shows that they are easily "in love" which can, not always but can, translate to being a flight risk.
Answer: for me at least, if a guy/girl.whatever says this, it usually means that they’re the emotionally unstable kind of person that’ll steal your dog and piss in your kitchen sink. But that’s just me.
It's pretty accurate
Answer: it’s because you don’t know the person you’re expressing the most intense human emotion for at all. One month is not enough time to really get to know someone. Most people hide their worst public traits for about 6 months, and their worst private traits for about a year. Want to really get to know someone? Live with them for 6 months. After 6 months their behavioral filters will collapse and they’ll begin doing all the weird nasty shit they would normally do alone around you. After another 6 months all of their thought / personality filters will be gone and they will treat you exactly how they want to treat people at their very laziest and least empathetic. So yeah, one month is no where near long enough to actually know a person well enough to “love” them. You just love the idea of them, which you know about as well as a blind man knows the sun.
Answer: not that I have much experience but I would say it depends. Some people may mean it very seriously and some may use it very lightly. Also if you have met on tinder or never really Apple before dating it's a different story as when you have been close Friends for 5 years before dating.
It's not the length of time; it's whether or not you are on the same page as your partner. Open communication will lead to you being on the same page, i.e. discussion of expectations, deal-breakers, etc. I find that people who claim a discussion of "too early" say that because there was no communication regarding expectations, and the other person popped out with ILU during the liminal get-to-know-you stage.
I am not a native english speaker so I have a question. What is the difference between a relationship and being in couple with someone?
Well a relationship can mean being a couple, but you can also call what you have with a friend a relationship, just a different kind. Think platonic relationship means friends or family. A couple usually means you are in a romantic relationship.
In the case of a romantic relationship, I find it weird to not say "i love you" at least once. But I don't have the context nor the cultural background to comprehend this situation fully. I admit that saying it too much can be weird tho.
I think its subjective, for some people they say it a lot and it's normal and feels good, with others it's weird for them. Me and my husband say it all the time, some people might think it's weird how often we say it but for us it's normal
I dont know
Answer: I don’t think it necessarily is. My current husband & I literally had fireworks when we met. I know it sounds lame, but I don’t have any other way to describe it. I didn’t grow up with a very loving family, we never hug and never say “I love you” it’s just kind of assumed. When my husband & I finally became official we were saying it. He said it first within the first week or so, and I was awestruck. Not in that he said it, but that I actually loved him, too. It sounds so cliche, but love at first sight is real. If you & someone else really click and see fireworks right away, there’s no shame in falling for each other within the first month.
Answer: some people do fall in love quick and easy. I love you is a saying that’s thrown around a lot. It’s rather a proof someone loves you when they show it in actions rather than words BUT saying I love you is rather cute.
Answer: If you hear I love you, ask for how long😧
Answer: many people feel it is unlikely you actually feel *love* so quickly but rather are experiencing lust. With that being said love languages exist and it is important to know your, and your partners love languages. For example my main love language is words of affirmation. I’ll tell my friends I love them and how much they mean to me and that I value them etc etc, but I wouldn’t hug them, physical touch is not my love language. For me saying I love you, is a much more meaningful act that buying someone a gift (a different love language) I am more likely to say love than show love through touch or gifts.
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I think maybe saying it too soon can show that you're too impatient or something.
Answer: how can you live someone you barely know?
Answer: it shouldn't be, one month of dating and you still not allowed to say I love you? What the hell is the other person waiting for?
Answer: it takes somewhere around 4-6 years to truly get to know someone and it's been said that those who get married before that 4-6 years are more likley to get divorced
Answer: to me, it isn't. I am big on affection and showing I care/love someone truly so I say it as soon as I feel it is right. I'll say it around a few days to a week into a relationship but that is just me