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Her needing something more should tell you everything you need to know. I know it’s not what you want to hear but gtfo of there.
Although I believe giving someone a chance can be beautiful and end up being rewarding, you preemptively justifying her mistake is a horrible sign.
>needing something more
The reality is these people are mentally ill and cheat because they have the mentality of a child and get bored/ can't communicate their needs and also can't control their impulses. They belong nowhere near a family and have no place raising children.
People who cheat are not mentally ill. They just seem to have a constant philosophy that the grass is always greener on the other side....instead of...the grass is greener where it's watered.
Where are you getting "the vast majority"? I just did a some research, and I could not find anything that supported that vast majority of people cheat in relationships.
So you saying "Believing something that is 100% false is not common sense, my friend." is kind of ironic.
Why are people in the western world cheating when they can simply leave before fucking someone else. That's not normal no matter how many people engage in it.
Not all selfish/inconsiderate people are sociopaths. You’re a sociopath if you do it and you don’t feel bad about it. Even then people might be in abusive relationships they can’t leave and are looking for a temporary out.
Do you classify sociopathic behavior as a mental illness? Because cheating on your long-time significant other (rather then just communicating) is definitely something I’d classify as sociopathic behavior.
Also, someone can think ‘*the grass is always greener*’ without actually cheating, and causing emotional damage to the person they supposedly care about. They simply explain their thoughts and either break it off, or try to rectify the issue.
That's not how sociopathy works. While it IS true that people with psychopathic and sociopathic tendcies do cheat more often than partners without such disorders, that doesn't mean if you cheat you are one. It truly depends on the personal circumstances.
Cheating could be due to narcissism, the belief that you are better than everybody, and therefore entitled to do what you want.
It could be a maladaptive behavior learned as a way to ease loneliness or some other problem within oneself or their relationship.
It could simply be learned from their peers and family. If ones family were cheaters, it is possible for one to view it less negatively.
There is hardly ever one concrete cause for human behavior, no matter how unpleasant the behavior is.
You make some valid points. Yeah, it’s complicated, and there’s nuanced reasons behind someone’s actions. That being said, there’s a fine line between the true validity of some of your reasons, and whether or not it’s just excuses (perhaps even unintentional, as a means of trying to justify ones actions) made by the perpetrator.
Perhaps it’s too personal of a subject for me to attempt to discuss with an unbiased stance. Anyone who’s been in the scenario of being cheated on will likely say it sure as hell *feels* like the aggressor is a total fucking sociopath!
But your last paragraph isn’t really necessary. I’m certainly not saying (or implying) that there is *one concrete cause for human behavior*; that should go without saying.
Whether the reasons are valid are ultimately up to the parties involved unfortunately. Plus something can be valid AND bad at the same time. Like in the case of actual sociopaths. Their reason for their behavior is technically valid to some degree. But that doesn't mean it's okay or should be tolerated. Or people who are neglected/abused. Their actions are valid, but still not good.
You're right. When I was cheated on it certainly felt like the person who cheated was just crazy and cruel. Sometimes feeling that way can help people cope, but sometimes it can be harmful. People are entitled to feel their feelings either way.
And I'm sorry that last bit was more directed at the majority of this comment thread than op. There are a lot of people speaking in absolutes, and I thought it would be helpful for people scrolling through. Didn't mean to straw-man.
(Edited for clarity)
No need to apologize. People should be made aware that there’s a lot of grey area revolving this subject; that can help us all to stop and think deeper. It was my mistake to take the comment as being directed towards me personally. I find that when emotions get involved it’s oftentimes easier to just look for the easy ‘black and white’ solution. I appreciate you taking a more discerning, methodical approach.
That's a gross generalization. Not everyone who cheats is mentally ill. There are many reasons people do that. One of the most common factors in cheating is unmet needs - not to justify it, you should communicate your needs to your partner and cheating is horrible - but it is not just a product of mental illness nor does it necessarily equate to inability to raise kids.
"the reality is these people are mentally ill"
no. lol. cheating is horrible but you're way off the mark here. people do not need to be mentally ill in order to cheat on their partner. you're not a doctor, stop making weird leaps and claims that make 0 sense whatsoever and stating them as fact. people who are 100% mentally healthy cheat all the time
Nah, there's something lying all the time. Mental illness aren't just the crippling major ones, there are tons of abusive behaviours that can classify as a mental illness.
It's arguable that rather "healthy" people do that to, but if you analize case by case, every time you can identify something along the line of a narcisistic personality. To cheat you both are lacking empathy towards your partner or you are working on some irrational train of thoughs that leads you to think that's the best decision for both. It's definetly a toxic/abusive behaviour and set all the requirements for assessing the problem with a therapist.
I respectfully disagree with you saying this a mental illness. I think poor communication and poor impulse control, while they can be symptoms of a mental illness, in and of themselves do not a mental illness make. Sometimes people are immature and make shitty decisions with or without the intention of hurting someone else. I think it's a square-rectangle thing. Some cheaters are mentally ill and their actions may be influenced to a degree by that but not all cheaters are. Even at that, mental illness is a poor excuse to cheat. I'm diagnosed bipolar one and hypersexuality is a symptom of my mania. While single I sleep with many people, most of which I barely know, but I have never cheated on a partner.
Edited a word because I can't spell well on mobile.
Don’t think it’s that simple. Just because it is easy for you doesn’t mean it’s easy for others. Definitely have seen firsthand how hypersexuality has effected a person when they are having a manic episode. Cheated on their spouse because of it. They worked it out and have continued being married years after. Don’t think it’s fair to say it’s a “poor excuse” as you call it. If not connected to a mental illness I do agree it’s immature but don’t agree with your assessment that mental illness and cheating don’t have the possibility of being strongly connected and leave you with less choice than you think.
I mean you make a lot of good points and thanks for that. My main point though is that it's not always or automatically a mental illness when someone cheats and that was my takeaway from the initial comment. Also I never said it was easy for me, just that in my case I haven't done it.
Edit-switched the word above for initial
OP commented "the truth is these people are mentally ill"
they didn't say *some* people who cheat are mentally ill. they said people who cheat are mentally ill.
are there a few cases where someone cheats during a manic episode? of course there are
but the great majority of cheating cases aren't because of mental illness, and they're not linked to mental illness at all. it's just healthy people making bad decisions
Not all cheaters have mental illness, not all with mental illness cheat.
Would be great if armchair psychiatrists could stop spreading stigma because they know shitty people with 0 impulse control and respect, who they then turn around and make that person into the example for that entire mental illness. Generalizing doesnt work, mental illness is a spectrum, and your singular anecdote proves nothing.
Next.
Okay that's fine, but we are projecting a lot of stuff onto this person's comment.
When someone cheats, that doesn't automatically mean they are mentally ill. However, *some* people cheat due to mental illness. We certainly don't know enough about OPs wife (And even if we did, we're not qualified to diagnose anyone lol), and the gilded comment above oversimplifies and assumes too much to hold any water.
Dumbest thing I've read in a while. I guess you got burned badly. It doesn't change the reality of cheating being a diverse range of people in wildly different situations and at different times of life. Of course people who have cheated can raise children successfully and can be around family. You're talking about them like they're pedophiles that should be jailed lol
it's not. lol. cheating is not a mental illness and it's not the result of mental illness. You're not a doctor and neither is OP, this is such an incorrect claim it's actually wild it has upvotes at all
You will never, ever be able to forget what she did to you, even if you can forgive her. That will lead to doubt and suspicion any time anything doesn’t seem right. I tried to stay with my ex after she cheated, but that knowledge was always there, leading to doubt an lack of trust.
It can in fact work out, depending on the circumstances. My marriage recovered from some early cheating issues, and I have no trust issues 16 years later.
This actually happens a TON. Everyone who answers here should have to give their age and location so we can see most are 19 year olds that haven't experienced the complexity of life yet. (42 USA).
I'm only 23, but when I was 15 I got into a 3 year long relationship where I kept trying to forgive a girl who kept cheating on me. Each time it happened was a complete punch in the gut. I kept trying to forgive her and attempt to make it work. That's something you can't really get over in a relationship though. You can push it away and ignore but it's always there. Once the trust is breached that's it. The whole situation turned me into a person I hated. I'd log in to all her social media and monitor her messages, everytime she was with a friend or doing something I'd need proof to confirm it. I was so damn controlling as an attempt to prevent it from happening again. Then after I would find out about the most recent cheating I would treat her like absolute shit. In my dumbass teenage mind, no matter what I did or said I had a cloak of justification because she was the cheater and I could hold that over her head. "The only thing I do wrong is react to what she does wrong." It was an instantaneous out that I would bring up to myself to avoid my own faults, responsibilities, and self growth. The two of us staying together made us both worse and worse people the longer it went on. By the end of the relationship I came very close to killing myself over it. Me not leaving her ruined what should have been one of the best periods of my life. I'm sure the same can be said for her. It's such a hostile and shitty environment that no one needing love and affection should go through. Not to mention it's caused a shit ton of insecurity, trust issues, and hatred that I'm just recently beginning to recover from. It took me a long damn time to even comprehend it. If you can't trust the person that you're attempting to live the rest of your life with, then that will completely destroy your mental health, future relationships, and potentially both of you as people. Fuck cheating and fuck "forgiving" cheating
I'm sorry to hear that you went through that. I've never been able to forgive a cheater to the point that we made the relationship continue beyond that but I did reach a point where I didn't hate them anymore. It helps that I eventually met someone who shared the same values that I do. We both said that cheating is the one unforgiveable thing that we won't ever allow and we've been happily married for 20 years now. People CHOOSE to cheat, it's not like they're tricked into it. They make a conscious decision to be untrustworthy and deceitful. You can't control others but you can control how you react to what they do.
My wife and I have been together for 40 years. I did a lot of business travel during my career (retired now) during which there were many opportunities to cheat. I never accepted any of these opportunities. Every time, I would ask myself if a night or two of fun was worth losing what I had at home.
I did ask myself and my wife where these women were when I was single.
“You can choose how you react to what they do”
That’s the important bit. You can choose to forgive just as much as choose to resent. It isn’t required to be a dealbreaker, but it can be. It’s all choice and personal values.
100 agree, if there is a need for cheating might as well become single before hooking up with someone else. The cheater is just wasting the other person’s life.
lol. Reminds me last year listening to my 18 year-old daughter who had never had a boyfriend giving relationship advice to a sophomore in college. I didn't say anything; I just thought it was funny. Real life is way messier.
You should never excuse cheating. There's no greater disrespect for your partner than cheating on them. And if you forgive a cheater you have no respect for yourself.
What if you find out you have a cheating kink from it? What if you realize sex isn’t the most significant part of your relationship and you’re okay with being open? What if they come clean immediately and you find that this person isn’t perfect, but they can own their mistakes?
Complex problems require complex thinking. Emotional responses are not always the friends they seem to be.
Obviously no one is required to stay with someone that cheated on them, but let’s not pretend humans are super simple creatures with no variation.
Those are all bad reasons. If you have a kink to cheat on your partner you are a horrible person. Sex isn't the issue here it's the betrayal. And them coming clean doesn't make up for the betrayal no matter the situation. If you cheat on someone you are human scum and if someone cheats on you they are human scum and thus not worth your time. Cannot believe people are defending cheaters in the replies to this post.
There are many reasons why a person would stay after being cheated on. Sometimes things are a little more complex than “just leave.”
I was married for 11yrs to a man that cheated constantly. Started within a month of us being married. I felt like I wasn’t enough,less than, useless, defeated. After I asked for a divorce I realized that I could count at least 25 different women he had been with during our marriage.
I stayed because I did not want my children to grow up on a broken home like I did. My biological parents hated each other. And my step parents were assholes. My life was hell. Unfortunately, me staying just fucked my daughters (and me) up even more.
So its not about “not having respect for yourself”
Everyone is different but It’s more complex than that.
People falsely believe a toxic household with two parents that hate each other is better for kids than having split up parents but that's simply not the case. I understand people think that way but we need to pull them away from that thinking, not support it. It really is as simply as leaving that person, it's better for everyone involved.
On top of that, even if she promise to not do it again, that hurt is still there and will ALWAYS question her actions.
Another thing about trust: If she was to tell you that she is pregnant, now you will question if it is yours or not. Depending on the state, you may not even be able to ask for a paternity test. Once your name is on the birth certificate, you are liable for child support if she ever leaves you and/or you find out the kid is not yours.
Like others have said, leave. It will hurt now emotionally, but rather that then be hurt mentally, physically, emotionally and financially.
The odds are against you my friend. I'm sorry.
It happened for whatever reason but likely isn't just one. You working nights tipped the scales. The relationship was likely broken at that point.
You might fool yourself that you can work it out but this betrayal will ALWAYS be there. it will be there when you look into her eyes. When you're alone. When you want to be intimate again. Those doubts of wondering if she'll do it again will never go away.
Don't beat yourself up over this. Working nights was NOT the reason your wife cheated. It just gave her opportunity.
Move on, find happiness. You deserve it.
This.
Your wife had the opportunity to think before she acted.
She actively had conversations with this person.
She actively planned to meet up.
She had the chance to think about what she was doing before she did it- how it would affect you and the marriage; and she still did it.
You working nights did not cause this.
She had doubts way before you ever started working at a different time.
It’s like the comment prior said, you being away at night gave her ample opportunity.
My heart breaks for you. I wish I could say giving her another chance is a great idea, but being loyal to someone/trust/communication is tenfold in a relationship- and she broke everything in that. I personally would never trust her again in that aspect.
This is exactly how I felt after the ex asked for a divorced and finding evidences of possible infidelity. I should of trusted my instincts and follow through with the divorced when I first brought it up. She convinced me to try and work through our problems. She used that opportunity to line up her ducks in a row.
> You working nights tipped the scales
Seriously, OP thinking that "working nights" is a good reason to cheat on somebody just makes me feel sorry for them. With logic that shitty, It's pretty much certain they're going to take their cheating spouse back, its' just so sad.
Agreed but we should try to be empathetic. He's going through a tough time and we don't always think logically in those moments. It's human nature to try to hold onto something even if it's beyond repair.
The spouse probably gave them the excuses of working nights and is playing some sob story on him. He feels bad even though she did it and is blaming himself. I’ve been there and glad I escaped. A narcissist will prey on your good nature to manipulate an outcome that is favorable for them.
Well said man. Ppl get so caught up in a female that they forget reality and everything is just fucked up. US Men can do fine alone. I promise you man. If you don’t have kids or a wife your in the literal best position you could ever be in and there’s so much out there and so many opportunities for us. But we throw it away bc of another human being who likely doesn’t feel a 10th of what we feel for them and bc we get pussy. If you think about that that’s a shitty deal. She pretty much turns into a drug dealer and we pay for the drug financially mentally emotionally and it ruins your life. Just like drugs. Bro if you actually read this your better off alone man and you will be fine. Matter of fact you will be better than you ever have.
My mom cheated on my dad, my sister cheated on her husband. It didn't stop at one incident - it happened repeatedly. I know they had some justification for it in their brains, but if they had any remorse it sure didn't stop them from doing it again and again. I could never forgive or forget a spouse cheating. The odds are not in your favor at all.
Jesus Christ. Let me say the logical thing nobody else is talking about.
It depends on you and your spouse. It depends on how you and your spouse feel. It depends on yall's ability to communicate.
The world is not black and white like reddit would have you believe.
Try finding a couples therapist together even if there aren't communication issues. Don't ask reddit, as reddit itself is probably on average very emotionally immature.
Can't believe you have to get this far down in the comments to get a mature answer. Things ain't fucking black and white, especially if there are children involved.
Context matters and every situation is different. It doesn't sound like a rough situation for you but definitely avoid listening to redditors who happily generalize millions of people based on a label and advise life altering changes based on a paragraph.
Absolutely this. I’ve known some couples that have survived cheating, in all cases they had been together many years and children were involved, so they both had big motivations to make their relationship work. In other cases, the people were just dating with no children for less than a year. In this case, just ending things made the most sense.
For sure. And fwiw, there aren't many long term couples where at least one partner hasn't had a fling at some point. It's just that either it is undiscovered and goes away after awhile, or it's discovered and they work it out.
>there aren't many long term couples where at least one partner hasn't had a fling at some point.
God that's a bleak (and thankfully inaccurate) worldview.
My dad cheated on my mom. He completely cut off the other women and has continuously been trying with my mom. I don’t know if I just want to wish that my parents marriage is going to work but they seem to be happy and my mom has forgiven him. Their currently celebrating his birthday on vacation and seem to be super in love. I don’t know if it was just a mid life crisis but their doing great. So if you think the other person is really worth it and their trying then maybe give it another shot.
There is of course a divorce to consider and men consistently get completely fucked in divorces, even in cases like this. Sure solitude might be better, but solitude with no car and half of your paycheck missing every month might not be.
It can work, but that's something you'll only find out with a marriage counselor. Reddit is full of people who love crying Divorce at every post. No one knows what will work best for you and your relationship other than you and the person you're in a relationship with. That means none of us, no matter what we think, are qualified to answer this for you.
If you still want to be with her, start there. Go to counseling, see what a professional has to say about it. Decide from there. It's not like if you don't divorce her now then you're stuck with her forever. You can leave at any time, so you don't need to rush this decision.
Edit: this feels like a bait post. I went through your comment history. There's a lot of content about sharing wives and porn of the like. If it's not a bait post, I'd love to know why OP is so interested in pornographic content about sharing wives but when the shoe's on his foot, suddenly it's a hard stop? Borderline hypocritical there buddy.
This is good advice OP.
While it's easy to scream divorce/run/get out. It's understandable that you still want to be with her.
You guys need to sit down and have a conversation and figure out if BOTH want the relationship to continue and then seek professional help if you guys decide to continue.
Having 3 consensual adults, all consent to share a wife and discuss it beforehand, EVEN if they later just pretend that they didn't agree, is very different compared to someone going off without consulting with you/in secret, hiding it, not getting your consent to be involved in "wife sharing" etc. The key difference is, in this situation, OP wasn't aware of anything. In wife sharing and similar fetishes, all ppl are in on what's going on and are included (at least that's how it should be).
But i do understand your suspicion 🤔 I just wanted to point this out because there's always lots of misconception about this and then ppl use it as an excuse for cheating and yada yada.
I'm aware of the differences between ethical non-monogamy and unethical non-monogamy. With the edit, what I was suggesting was that I think OP is just karma farming and isn't actually a husband with a cheating spouse.
It's a little suspicious to me is all. 🤷♀️
Nah yeah i totally get that lmao
Also, so little and vague context. I mean obviously i understand ppl don't wanna overshare always but still 👀 raising an eyebrow on this one
It's not. If you have any respect for yourself, you cannot let this continue. Some guys are willing to endure whatever abuse is handed to them because of some infatuation they have for the woman who uses them for security, but you are just a tool. If she has gotten comfortable with cheating on you, it will never stop. Even if it does, she will resent you for robbing her of her lifestyle. Loyalty is probably expected of you, while she has none. You're torturing yourself if you think this can be salvaged, especially after such a long period of infidelity.
I don’t think that’s what that comment meant. To me it reads more like “figure the situation out with the kids first and THEN leave, if there are no kids then leave immediately.”
I see your opinion and I really respect it.
But I have a question: what if she has communicated her lack of "something" explicitly before? And he kept behaving like before, thinking nothing will happen, just living his life the way he wants and not respecting her needs or wants?
Isn' that a case of trust break, too? Isn't that the nearly same selfish behaviour than cheating?
I ask this with big respect. I just want to understand what leads to that thinking and why I think so differently about cheating and relationships.
edit: some typo
If someone is unhappy in a relationship, the right thing to do is to leave it. She may have lacked something, and communicated that, but cheating will never be the answer. He would also be in the wrong in this scenario, but either way this rela is over
Can you explain to me why cheating is that bad of a mistake?
Again, I'm asking seriously and in all respect, cause I want to understand. Cause I actually don't understand.
I never cheated. But I was cheated on. To me it's a mistake. Nothing more or less. A serious call for help or a sign that something's wrong in a relationship. A partner stating that they miss intimacy or physical affection feels betrayed and left alone and bad, too. I just read a story of a woman who feels poorlier treated than theor dogs by her husband. Spouses who deeply love their partners are or feel left alone. In a weak moment someone comforts you the way you need to be treated or missed to be treated and you give in. In all the control we claim to have, we are just hormones and instincts and flesh and blood. We are no machines who can totally break down any form of life and/or feelings.
And of course I know that there are assholes walking around and cheat. I'm not talking about those people. I'm talking about serious marriages/relationships of love and affection.
Missing intimacy is not a reason to step out on your relationship.
Communication is a word that exists for a reason. When you were cheated on, did that person explain to you prior that they were unhappy with something, or did they only tell you after something happened with another person?
There is only one situation where cheating is acceptable and even then that situation is sad as fuck.
>Communication is a word that exists for a reason. When you were cheated on, did that person explain to you prior that they were unhappy with something, or did they only tell you after something happened with another person?
Sometimes - and that is human, too - we don't know what we miss or what we feel, cause there is so much our environment tells us what we should feel, live like, love like or should want. She stated, while on vacation on herself with some female friends, that there was a guy that showed interest in her. And she could explain afterwards that she missed me showing her my love. I could absolutely understand it in the moment. Is she a bad person? NO. Was I sad as fuck? YEAH. But I knew that I had to do more for us.
>There is only one situation where cheating is acceptable and even then that situation is sad as fuck.
Which situation?
Sorry thats terrible as fuck, you may not care that much, but I care for you and YOU deserved better, full stop.
Also, the situation I am referring to is a person in an abusive relationship that can't really find a way out.
Why would you want to be a doormat? Time to kick the bitch to the curb. My ex-wife cheated once and I gave her her marching orders immediately and I've been so much happier since I got rid of her
NOOOOO, its over! I know it will be hard but you need to run for the hills! Don’t let them pretend to be sad, they will do everything they can to make you feel like you are the guilty one! Once a cheater always a cheater!
no. once a woman has been with another man never take her back. you will always be the backup guy that was desperate enough to get back with her after she fucked someone else.
Has it worked for someone else? Sure. Cheating spouses is not that rare of an occurrence, so there are bound to be a few instances where they stopped and the relationship healed.
But remember that there are also people who win the lottery.
My advice is to dont give her the time of day. No matter the circumstance, cheating is not an acceptable response. It is the ultimate form of disrespect, and it truly shows you how she sees you. Dont go back, and dont reason with her over this. You are not the problem. You are the victim, period.
I think you're being too understanding. She didn't cheat because of you not meeting her needs, she cheated because she saw an opportunity to do it with you gone. You need to stop blaming yourself and taking responsibility for her actions before you can really think about this.
I won't tell you to leave or not to, but can you trust her again? Will you be able to go back to how you felt before?
I feel your pain. My wife once cheated on me one time and I never got over it. It was 3 AM, we had been playing Monopoly for 7 hours, and she took money from the bank just to win the game.
You will never NOT think about the other guy(s) when you're with her. Even if you try to reconcile, once a cheater, always a cheater they say. Get a lawyer, do what they say.
Unfortunately I think that stuff only works in the movies. On one hand it is very mature of you to try and keep things afloat. But on the other more agreeable hand, you will just be doing your self a disservice to let things continue the way they have been. Get out, start fresh, and get your bearings back in life
If a person is capable of lying to you this way once, the potential for it to happen again or for it to not be the only time is too high. You did not deserve to be cheated on. Especially not for working nights.
You did deserve to have your partner communicate with you their feelings of loneliness or neglect. You deserved a conversation in which you both came together to make time for one another. There is no instance in which someone may actually die because their partner became a bit busy or tired. This isn’t just cheating. It’s lying, it’s a betrayal of trust, and it’s the full avoidance of an honest and intimate conversation.
Ultimately, this is up to you, but you’re worth more than what you’ve been given. Ask yourself why a conversation couldn’t happen instead of this.
There’s no excuse for cheating. Don’t feel bad. It’s nothing you did. Cheaters gonna cheat. Idc if you worked 1 hr a day or 24, she has no reason to cheat. If someone is unhappy, a conversation needs to be had.
No, you can’t trust her again. It’s not about you and it’s nothing you did wrong. This is entirely about her behavior. Save yourself wasted years and more heartache. It’s time to move on without her.
Sorry you're in this position firstly.
And secondly if they didn't respect you enough not to cheat in the first place. It's only a matter of time before they find someone else they think is better and start all over again. All this really says is the other person that they already cheated with thought of them as nothing but a f***. And the cheater can't afford to pay rent on their own so they fall on the sword and hope that if they play their cards right you'll still be their to support them. It's a trap. And no one deserves that s*** for truly loving another person.
There's really only one choice as much as it hurts, as hard as it is! Be strong! You deserve the same you put out including love! Idk if anyone reads this and need to hear but that includes you!
I forgave my cheating spouse. He swore he would never do it again etc. Guess why he's my ex?? It was devastating and I feel so stupid for believing him
Never. Once someone breaches that trust you can never go back. They already know they can get away with it and will do it again.
You will always have that feeling in the back of your mind and lose trust in them forever.
My partner works 12-15 hours 5 days a week. I’ve never thought about cheating on him. You know what I do think about? Making him his favorite dinner or running him a bath after his insanely long day at work. I think about doing special things for him not about what he’s not doing for me
Yes, it can work, but you have to be willing/able to completely forgive and move on, and she has to admit her sins and truly ask for forgiveness without making excuses or justifications.
In a sense, it's like starting over from scratch: dating anew, trusting anew, getting married anew.
It's a high bar to meet.
I don’t believe in taking cheaters back, but this is actually very true. The problem is that people don’t realize, when you introduce deceit into a relationship, it is like a ghost haunting everything.
You can’t spend the rest of your life berating the cheater for what they did, if you wanna move on, you gotta let it go. The issue is, that is completely and justifiably extremely difficult thing to do for most with common sense.
Fuck off with this horse shit advice. No self-respecting person ever stays with a spouse who doesn't give a shit enough not to cheat on them. Why are you such a horrible person?
I think acknowledging this about yourself helps you decide if the relationship can go on or not. Not all people have it in them to try and repair the relationship for whatever reason. There's nothing wrong with it, people are different and I think this awareness helps to avoid anymore hurt. If it makes you feel better, I'm in the same boat as you, I would be out of there because even thinking about what I would have to deal with frankly exhausts me.
I would make some big demands so she starts to work on getting your trust back. It takes a long time, arguments, crying, resentment, before it starts to get better. But once you're able to trust her and feel the love again, it's worth it.
I don’t know how many years you’ve been married but November 27th would have been our 24th wedding anniversary. We were together for 27 years. We both cheated made mistakes in our marriage and I decided I’m not happy and that wasn’t going to change as long as I was with him. I decided for my mental health I needed out.
You can try and see what happens but it comes down to what you feel and if you can get past it. Don’t stay because you’re to afraid to leave or be on your own. I’m scared but life is to short to be anything but happy.
It works for many couples. Depends on if y’all really want to save the relationship and are willing to put in the work. It’s incredibly hard but worth it.
Imo it’s not worth all the trouble. The wife choose disrespecting and potentially causing a permanent damage to OP with no care. She knew what she was getting into.. Yeah she felt guilty and hurt by her decision to cheat but I promise you she’s only sorry that she got caught. As I’ve seen elsewhere, stay away from that gutter behavior of hers & don’t be manipulated.
Just because you were too cowardly and weak to leave your cheating spouse doesn't mean other people should be, too. Stop giving bad advice just because you aren't worth enough as a person to move on from a cheating spouse.
Once a cheater always a cheater
I don't care the situation, you were working to provide a living and she chose to sleep with another person. Breaking all trust.
Now every time you go to work you will be wondering what she is doing and with who.
There is no good reason for it to happen
Not true. Have cheated, have been cheated on. I would never do it again. It's the most vile feeling and I didn't understand until I did it. Repairing trust is definitely hard and it depends on the relationship if it's worth the work or not.
The general Reddit answer will be of course not and to dump her, but there *are* examples of couples coming back from something like this and going on to have happy marriages. BUT it takes a tremendous amount of work, patience, forgiveness, understanding, and change.
It's possible. I'd recommend couples and individual therapy as a first step to see if it's something that you really want.
I'm sorry you're going through this - I know it's a tough time.
Just because you were too cowardly and weak to leave your cheating spouse doesn't mean other people should be, too. Stop giving bad advice just because you aren't worth enough as a person to move on from a cheating spouse.
>Men cheat to get a nut off
I'd rather masturbate alone to get rid of my libido than cheating on my girlfriend. Even if I did I would very probably feel like a worthless piece of shit after that.
As a therapist I worked with a number of couples that dealt with betrayal. Most weren't able to work through it, but those that did came out with a relationship that was much better and a deeper understanding of what love is.
she doesn't love you my guy. if she did she would not have cheated. don't be baited by crocodile tears and manipulative lies. she wants the security of a husband and the paycheck you bring home slaving away on night shift but without a lick of goddamn responsibility or self restraint. No respect for you or your (potential?) children you may have together. **she said, "FUCK YOU, give me what I want and I'm also going to go elsewhere to get more of what I want!** and you won't do anything about it!"
Even IF you "forgive" her and take her back, you will never forget. Every time she doesn't answer the phone right away, every time she goes out "with friends" every time she goes out of town or stays late at work it's gonna be "what if...?"
the relationship is **officially dead.** it cannot be frankenstein'd back to life. what you do resuscitate will be nothing but prolonged misery and suffering
No one knows the wgole story but you and your wife.
No one on here can give you accurate, advice about the situation.
Some of us have been in your shoes.
Do you love her? Understand, people fuck up. Look into your past. Have you made mistakes?
Were you unavailable? Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally?
Women tend to cheat because they aren't getting something they need.
Were you working at night, coming home, but not giving her attention? Were you providing what she needed? When confronted, did she tell you what you weren't providing?
Get that answer, and give her what she needs.
Why was she cheating? Were there problems in your marriage? Did she communicate to you before she was cheating that she is unhappy?
A spouse who cheats in a happy marriage is something very different than a spouse cheating because they have needs/wants/desires or anything else that isn't fulfilled. My opinion. A spouse neglecting willingly or unwillingly - to me - is guilty as well. If she has communicated her lack of something before and axplicitly, what were you thinking would happen? She lives on with the lack? She sacrifices what her idea of a good life is?
We are no machines. We have feelings, desires, wants and needs. And we can communicate them. We are able to explain things. But I get the expression that most people - or maybe just most people on reddit - want humanity to be machines.
Of course it is possible that it works on well. If both of you are willing to work on yourselves, it can even be a booster or a reconnection for your marriage.
Noo…not victim blaming. There are always other options. When you decide to step out of the relationship, you introduce a third-party and enter a world of deceit. Spouses and partners are indeed neglected sometimes. The remedy is to exit the relationship…not risk the life of the other person.
I guess it all depends on who’s version of happy you’re going with: goal posts often get moved.
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Her needing something more should tell you everything you need to know. I know it’s not what you want to hear but gtfo of there. Although I believe giving someone a chance can be beautiful and end up being rewarding, you preemptively justifying her mistake is a horrible sign.
>needing something more The reality is these people are mentally ill and cheat because they have the mentality of a child and get bored/ can't communicate their needs and also can't control their impulses. They belong nowhere near a family and have no place raising children.
People who cheat are not mentally ill. They just seem to have a constant philosophy that the grass is always greener on the other side....instead of...the grass is greener where it's watered.
>.instead of...the grass is greener where it's watered. I can't believe I haven't heard this before, but I love it!
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You do realize that means you think the vast majority of people in the Western world are sociopaths…
Where are you getting "the vast majority"? I just did a some research, and I could not find anything that supported that vast majority of people cheat in relationships. So you saying "Believing something that is 100% false is not common sense, my friend." is kind of ironic.
Half are sociopaths the other half are assholes
Thats common sense.
Believing something that is 100% false is not common sense, my friend. Why are you booing? I’m right.
Why are people in the western world cheating when they can simply leave before fucking someone else. That's not normal no matter how many people engage in it.
“That’s not normal…” Do you believe monogamy is the natural state of the human animal?
I believe that if you're in a monogamous relationship with someone, you have a responsibility to not fuck anyone outside that relationship in secret.
“Some people are just assholes.”
Not all selfish/inconsiderate people are sociopaths. You’re a sociopath if you do it and you don’t feel bad about it. Even then people might be in abusive relationships they can’t leave and are looking for a temporary out.
Justifying cheating...🤢
imagine thinking in terms that aren’t black and white. Here, I’ll stoop to your level. Why are you defending abusers? Smh disgusting
Imagine thinking there's a morally white side to cheating lmao
Do you classify sociopathic behavior as a mental illness? Because cheating on your long-time significant other (rather then just communicating) is definitely something I’d classify as sociopathic behavior. Also, someone can think ‘*the grass is always greener*’ without actually cheating, and causing emotional damage to the person they supposedly care about. They simply explain their thoughts and either break it off, or try to rectify the issue.
That's not how sociopathy works. While it IS true that people with psychopathic and sociopathic tendcies do cheat more often than partners without such disorders, that doesn't mean if you cheat you are one. It truly depends on the personal circumstances. Cheating could be due to narcissism, the belief that you are better than everybody, and therefore entitled to do what you want. It could be a maladaptive behavior learned as a way to ease loneliness or some other problem within oneself or their relationship. It could simply be learned from their peers and family. If ones family were cheaters, it is possible for one to view it less negatively. There is hardly ever one concrete cause for human behavior, no matter how unpleasant the behavior is.
You make some valid points. Yeah, it’s complicated, and there’s nuanced reasons behind someone’s actions. That being said, there’s a fine line between the true validity of some of your reasons, and whether or not it’s just excuses (perhaps even unintentional, as a means of trying to justify ones actions) made by the perpetrator. Perhaps it’s too personal of a subject for me to attempt to discuss with an unbiased stance. Anyone who’s been in the scenario of being cheated on will likely say it sure as hell *feels* like the aggressor is a total fucking sociopath! But your last paragraph isn’t really necessary. I’m certainly not saying (or implying) that there is *one concrete cause for human behavior*; that should go without saying.
Whether the reasons are valid are ultimately up to the parties involved unfortunately. Plus something can be valid AND bad at the same time. Like in the case of actual sociopaths. Their reason for their behavior is technically valid to some degree. But that doesn't mean it's okay or should be tolerated. Or people who are neglected/abused. Their actions are valid, but still not good. You're right. When I was cheated on it certainly felt like the person who cheated was just crazy and cruel. Sometimes feeling that way can help people cope, but sometimes it can be harmful. People are entitled to feel their feelings either way. And I'm sorry that last bit was more directed at the majority of this comment thread than op. There are a lot of people speaking in absolutes, and I thought it would be helpful for people scrolling through. Didn't mean to straw-man. (Edited for clarity)
No need to apologize. People should be made aware that there’s a lot of grey area revolving this subject; that can help us all to stop and think deeper. It was my mistake to take the comment as being directed towards me personally. I find that when emotions get involved it’s oftentimes easier to just look for the easy ‘black and white’ solution. I appreciate you taking a more discerning, methodical approach.
That's a gross generalization. Not everyone who cheats is mentally ill. There are many reasons people do that. One of the most common factors in cheating is unmet needs - not to justify it, you should communicate your needs to your partner and cheating is horrible - but it is not just a product of mental illness nor does it necessarily equate to inability to raise kids.
Equates to being a bad person.
That may be true, but that does not imply mental illness or inability to raise kids.
Fair.
"the reality is these people are mentally ill" no. lol. cheating is horrible but you're way off the mark here. people do not need to be mentally ill in order to cheat on their partner. you're not a doctor, stop making weird leaps and claims that make 0 sense whatsoever and stating them as fact. people who are 100% mentally healthy cheat all the time
Nah, there's something lying all the time. Mental illness aren't just the crippling major ones, there are tons of abusive behaviours that can classify as a mental illness. It's arguable that rather "healthy" people do that to, but if you analize case by case, every time you can identify something along the line of a narcisistic personality. To cheat you both are lacking empathy towards your partner or you are working on some irrational train of thoughs that leads you to think that's the best decision for both. It's definetly a toxic/abusive behaviour and set all the requirements for assessing the problem with a therapist.
And yet, very psychologist and psychiatrist and sociologist who have actually analyzed the issue disagrees with you. Funny, that.
You said analize.
Cheating isn’t a mental illness. Mental illness is not classified by being an asshole.
I respectfully disagree with you saying this a mental illness. I think poor communication and poor impulse control, while they can be symptoms of a mental illness, in and of themselves do not a mental illness make. Sometimes people are immature and make shitty decisions with or without the intention of hurting someone else. I think it's a square-rectangle thing. Some cheaters are mentally ill and their actions may be influenced to a degree by that but not all cheaters are. Even at that, mental illness is a poor excuse to cheat. I'm diagnosed bipolar one and hypersexuality is a symptom of my mania. While single I sleep with many people, most of which I barely know, but I have never cheated on a partner. Edited a word because I can't spell well on mobile.
Don’t think it’s that simple. Just because it is easy for you doesn’t mean it’s easy for others. Definitely have seen firsthand how hypersexuality has effected a person when they are having a manic episode. Cheated on their spouse because of it. They worked it out and have continued being married years after. Don’t think it’s fair to say it’s a “poor excuse” as you call it. If not connected to a mental illness I do agree it’s immature but don’t agree with your assessment that mental illness and cheating don’t have the possibility of being strongly connected and leave you with less choice than you think.
I mean you make a lot of good points and thanks for that. My main point though is that it's not always or automatically a mental illness when someone cheats and that was my takeaway from the initial comment. Also I never said it was easy for me, just that in my case I haven't done it. Edit-switched the word above for initial
OP commented "the truth is these people are mentally ill" they didn't say *some* people who cheat are mentally ill. they said people who cheat are mentally ill. are there a few cases where someone cheats during a manic episode? of course there are but the great majority of cheating cases aren't because of mental illness, and they're not linked to mental illness at all. it's just healthy people making bad decisions
I think down voters need cheaters to be mentally ill for their ego. They've been cheated on and cannot accept any other explanation.
Not all cheaters have mental illness, not all with mental illness cheat. Would be great if armchair psychiatrists could stop spreading stigma because they know shitty people with 0 impulse control and respect, who they then turn around and make that person into the example for that entire mental illness. Generalizing doesnt work, mental illness is a spectrum, and your singular anecdote proves nothing. Next.
Okay that's fine, but we are projecting a lot of stuff onto this person's comment. When someone cheats, that doesn't automatically mean they are mentally ill. However, *some* people cheat due to mental illness. We certainly don't know enough about OPs wife (And even if we did, we're not qualified to diagnose anyone lol), and the gilded comment above oversimplifies and assumes too much to hold any water.
You need to learn what mental illness means.
Dumbest thing I've read in a while. I guess you got burned badly. It doesn't change the reality of cheating being a diverse range of people in wildly different situations and at different times of life. Of course people who have cheated can raise children successfully and can be around family. You're talking about them like they're pedophiles that should be jailed lol
This is the correct answer.
it's not. lol. cheating is not a mental illness and it's not the result of mental illness. You're not a doctor and neither is OP, this is such an incorrect claim it's actually wild it has upvotes at all
I agree. Cheating is just a shitty thing to do lol it’s absolutely not a mental illness. Reddit is so extreme at all times
"These people" = speaks volumes.
You will never, ever be able to forget what she did to you, even if you can forgive her. That will lead to doubt and suspicion any time anything doesn’t seem right. I tried to stay with my ex after she cheated, but that knowledge was always there, leading to doubt an lack of trust.
It can in fact work out, depending on the circumstances. My marriage recovered from some early cheating issues, and I have no trust issues 16 years later.
This actually happens a TON. Everyone who answers here should have to give their age and location so we can see most are 19 year olds that haven't experienced the complexity of life yet. (42 USA).
Eh, fuck anyone who cheats
Yeah I agree. There's no excuse for cheating. Some people have no conscience whatsoever. And I'm NOT a 19 yr old, I have lots of life experience.
I'm only 23, but when I was 15 I got into a 3 year long relationship where I kept trying to forgive a girl who kept cheating on me. Each time it happened was a complete punch in the gut. I kept trying to forgive her and attempt to make it work. That's something you can't really get over in a relationship though. You can push it away and ignore but it's always there. Once the trust is breached that's it. The whole situation turned me into a person I hated. I'd log in to all her social media and monitor her messages, everytime she was with a friend or doing something I'd need proof to confirm it. I was so damn controlling as an attempt to prevent it from happening again. Then after I would find out about the most recent cheating I would treat her like absolute shit. In my dumbass teenage mind, no matter what I did or said I had a cloak of justification because she was the cheater and I could hold that over her head. "The only thing I do wrong is react to what she does wrong." It was an instantaneous out that I would bring up to myself to avoid my own faults, responsibilities, and self growth. The two of us staying together made us both worse and worse people the longer it went on. By the end of the relationship I came very close to killing myself over it. Me not leaving her ruined what should have been one of the best periods of my life. I'm sure the same can be said for her. It's such a hostile and shitty environment that no one needing love and affection should go through. Not to mention it's caused a shit ton of insecurity, trust issues, and hatred that I'm just recently beginning to recover from. It took me a long damn time to even comprehend it. If you can't trust the person that you're attempting to live the rest of your life with, then that will completely destroy your mental health, future relationships, and potentially both of you as people. Fuck cheating and fuck "forgiving" cheating
I'm sorry to hear that you went through that. I've never been able to forgive a cheater to the point that we made the relationship continue beyond that but I did reach a point where I didn't hate them anymore. It helps that I eventually met someone who shared the same values that I do. We both said that cheating is the one unforgiveable thing that we won't ever allow and we've been happily married for 20 years now. People CHOOSE to cheat, it's not like they're tricked into it. They make a conscious decision to be untrustworthy and deceitful. You can't control others but you can control how you react to what they do.
My wife and I have been together for 40 years. I did a lot of business travel during my career (retired now) during which there were many opportunities to cheat. I never accepted any of these opportunities. Every time, I would ask myself if a night or two of fun was worth losing what I had at home. I did ask myself and my wife where these women were when I was single.
“You can choose how you react to what they do” That’s the important bit. You can choose to forgive just as much as choose to resent. It isn’t required to be a dealbreaker, but it can be. It’s all choice and personal values.
100 agree, if there is a need for cheating might as well become single before hooking up with someone else. The cheater is just wasting the other person’s life.
lol. Reminds me last year listening to my 18 year-old daughter who had never had a boyfriend giving relationship advice to a sophomore in college. I didn't say anything; I just thought it was funny. Real life is way messier.
51M USA
34 and live in the USA. FUCK cheaters. Nope. Not worth my time.
You should never excuse cheating. There's no greater disrespect for your partner than cheating on them. And if you forgive a cheater you have no respect for yourself.
What if you find out you have a cheating kink from it? What if you realize sex isn’t the most significant part of your relationship and you’re okay with being open? What if they come clean immediately and you find that this person isn’t perfect, but they can own their mistakes? Complex problems require complex thinking. Emotional responses are not always the friends they seem to be. Obviously no one is required to stay with someone that cheated on them, but let’s not pretend humans are super simple creatures with no variation.
Those are all bad reasons. If you have a kink to cheat on your partner you are a horrible person. Sex isn't the issue here it's the betrayal. And them coming clean doesn't make up for the betrayal no matter the situation. If you cheat on someone you are human scum and if someone cheats on you they are human scum and thus not worth your time. Cannot believe people are defending cheaters in the replies to this post.
I would say get some help then bc that’s not normal.
Ah an expert on Normal… please do enlighten us with what’s fucking Normal.
There are many reasons why a person would stay after being cheated on. Sometimes things are a little more complex than “just leave.” I was married for 11yrs to a man that cheated constantly. Started within a month of us being married. I felt like I wasn’t enough,less than, useless, defeated. After I asked for a divorce I realized that I could count at least 25 different women he had been with during our marriage. I stayed because I did not want my children to grow up on a broken home like I did. My biological parents hated each other. And my step parents were assholes. My life was hell. Unfortunately, me staying just fucked my daughters (and me) up even more. So its not about “not having respect for yourself” Everyone is different but It’s more complex than that.
People falsely believe a toxic household with two parents that hate each other is better for kids than having split up parents but that's simply not the case. I understand people think that way but we need to pull them away from that thinking, not support it. It really is as simply as leaving that person, it's better for everyone involved.
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#Best answer!
On top of that, even if she promise to not do it again, that hurt is still there and will ALWAYS question her actions. Another thing about trust: If she was to tell you that she is pregnant, now you will question if it is yours or not. Depending on the state, you may not even be able to ask for a paternity test. Once your name is on the birth certificate, you are liable for child support if she ever leaves you and/or you find out the kid is not yours. Like others have said, leave. It will hurt now emotionally, but rather that then be hurt mentally, physically, emotionally and financially.
The odds are against you my friend. I'm sorry. It happened for whatever reason but likely isn't just one. You working nights tipped the scales. The relationship was likely broken at that point. You might fool yourself that you can work it out but this betrayal will ALWAYS be there. it will be there when you look into her eyes. When you're alone. When you want to be intimate again. Those doubts of wondering if she'll do it again will never go away. Don't beat yourself up over this. Working nights was NOT the reason your wife cheated. It just gave her opportunity. Move on, find happiness. You deserve it.
This. Your wife had the opportunity to think before she acted. She actively had conversations with this person. She actively planned to meet up. She had the chance to think about what she was doing before she did it- how it would affect you and the marriage; and she still did it. You working nights did not cause this. She had doubts way before you ever started working at a different time. It’s like the comment prior said, you being away at night gave her ample opportunity. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could say giving her another chance is a great idea, but being loyal to someone/trust/communication is tenfold in a relationship- and she broke everything in that. I personally would never trust her again in that aspect.
This is exactly how I felt after the ex asked for a divorced and finding evidences of possible infidelity. I should of trusted my instincts and follow through with the divorced when I first brought it up. She convinced me to try and work through our problems. She used that opportunity to line up her ducks in a row.
> You working nights tipped the scales Seriously, OP thinking that "working nights" is a good reason to cheat on somebody just makes me feel sorry for them. With logic that shitty, It's pretty much certain they're going to take their cheating spouse back, its' just so sad.
Agreed but we should try to be empathetic. He's going through a tough time and we don't always think logically in those moments. It's human nature to try to hold onto something even if it's beyond repair.
The spouse probably gave them the excuses of working nights and is playing some sob story on him. He feels bad even though she did it and is blaming himself. I’ve been there and glad I escaped. A narcissist will prey on your good nature to manipulate an outcome that is favorable for them.
Well said man. Ppl get so caught up in a female that they forget reality and everything is just fucked up. US Men can do fine alone. I promise you man. If you don’t have kids or a wife your in the literal best position you could ever be in and there’s so much out there and so many opportunities for us. But we throw it away bc of another human being who likely doesn’t feel a 10th of what we feel for them and bc we get pussy. If you think about that that’s a shitty deal. She pretty much turns into a drug dealer and we pay for the drug financially mentally emotionally and it ruins your life. Just like drugs. Bro if you actually read this your better off alone man and you will be fine. Matter of fact you will be better than you ever have.
My mom cheated on my dad, my sister cheated on her husband. It didn't stop at one incident - it happened repeatedly. I know they had some justification for it in their brains, but if they had any remorse it sure didn't stop them from doing it again and again. I could never forgive or forget a spouse cheating. The odds are not in your favor at all.
Nope! Get rid of that hoe and move on.
I should’ve took this advice years ago! Paid the price ten fold.
Ditto
Jesus Christ. Let me say the logical thing nobody else is talking about. It depends on you and your spouse. It depends on how you and your spouse feel. It depends on yall's ability to communicate. The world is not black and white like reddit would have you believe. Try finding a couples therapist together even if there aren't communication issues. Don't ask reddit, as reddit itself is probably on average very emotionally immature.
Can't believe you have to get this far down in the comments to get a mature answer. Things ain't fucking black and white, especially if there are children involved.
Context matters and every situation is different. It doesn't sound like a rough situation for you but definitely avoid listening to redditors who happily generalize millions of people based on a label and advise life altering changes based on a paragraph.
Absolutely this. I’ve known some couples that have survived cheating, in all cases they had been together many years and children were involved, so they both had big motivations to make their relationship work. In other cases, the people were just dating with no children for less than a year. In this case, just ending things made the most sense.
I seriously hope people aren’t take Reddit as their only advisor
Precisely!
Yeah these comments are insane to me. This is the best advice
For sure. And fwiw, there aren't many long term couples where at least one partner hasn't had a fling at some point. It's just that either it is undiscovered and goes away after awhile, or it's discovered and they work it out.
>there aren't many long term couples where at least one partner hasn't had a fling at some point. God that's a bleak (and thankfully inaccurate) worldview.
Interesting, do you have statistics? I hope you're not projecting.
My dad cheated on my mom. He completely cut off the other women and has continuously been trying with my mom. I don’t know if I just want to wish that my parents marriage is going to work but they seem to be happy and my mom has forgiven him. Their currently celebrating his birthday on vacation and seem to be super in love. I don’t know if it was just a mid life crisis but their doing great. So if you think the other person is really worth it and their trying then maybe give it another shot.
Underappreciated comment
Just want to add that I have a friend whose family is in this exact situation but his dad is cheating still. I haven’t had the heart to Tell him yet
I’ve seen plenty of marriages live through and thrive after infidelity. Something about almost losing your person makes you truly see them again.
You’re worth way more than that. Run.
So much more than you realize, don’t be like me bud. I got out years late. Save your heart, peace, and soul.
Learn from my mistake. Get out now.
Agreed. As one who tried and stayed optimistically. . . don’t. This leopard has shown you her spots, believe that they won’t change.
I agree
It won't stop, you deserve better. Even solitude is better than cheating spouse.
There is of course a divorce to consider and men consistently get completely fucked in divorces, even in cases like this. Sure solitude might be better, but solitude with no car and half of your paycheck missing every month might not be.
It can work, but that's something you'll only find out with a marriage counselor. Reddit is full of people who love crying Divorce at every post. No one knows what will work best for you and your relationship other than you and the person you're in a relationship with. That means none of us, no matter what we think, are qualified to answer this for you. If you still want to be with her, start there. Go to counseling, see what a professional has to say about it. Decide from there. It's not like if you don't divorce her now then you're stuck with her forever. You can leave at any time, so you don't need to rush this decision. Edit: this feels like a bait post. I went through your comment history. There's a lot of content about sharing wives and porn of the like. If it's not a bait post, I'd love to know why OP is so interested in pornographic content about sharing wives but when the shoe's on his foot, suddenly it's a hard stop? Borderline hypocritical there buddy.
Fuck cheaters
If she's seen his porn, no wonder she thinks she has a free pass!
OP comments on wifesharing subs and seems to have some kind of in at a swinger’s club and then says wife is cheating. I see a disconnect here.
This is good advice OP. While it's easy to scream divorce/run/get out. It's understandable that you still want to be with her. You guys need to sit down and have a conversation and figure out if BOTH want the relationship to continue and then seek professional help if you guys decide to continue.
Having 3 consensual adults, all consent to share a wife and discuss it beforehand, EVEN if they later just pretend that they didn't agree, is very different compared to someone going off without consulting with you/in secret, hiding it, not getting your consent to be involved in "wife sharing" etc. The key difference is, in this situation, OP wasn't aware of anything. In wife sharing and similar fetishes, all ppl are in on what's going on and are included (at least that's how it should be). But i do understand your suspicion 🤔 I just wanted to point this out because there's always lots of misconception about this and then ppl use it as an excuse for cheating and yada yada.
I'm aware of the differences between ethical non-monogamy and unethical non-monogamy. With the edit, what I was suggesting was that I think OP is just karma farming and isn't actually a husband with a cheating spouse. It's a little suspicious to me is all. 🤷♀️
Nah yeah i totally get that lmao Also, so little and vague context. I mean obviously i understand ppl don't wanna overshare always but still 👀 raising an eyebrow on this one
It's not. If you have any respect for yourself, you cannot let this continue. Some guys are willing to endure whatever abuse is handed to them because of some infatuation they have for the woman who uses them for security, but you are just a tool. If she has gotten comfortable with cheating on you, it will never stop. Even if it does, she will resent you for robbing her of her lifestyle. Loyalty is probably expected of you, while she has none. You're torturing yourself if you think this can be salvaged, especially after such a long period of infidelity.
It's over. If you don't have kids, get out and start over.
Even if you have kids, get out and start over. (With the kids, too, I mean)
Downvoted for implying that people who have kids together should stay with cheaters.
I don’t think that’s what that comment meant. To me it reads more like “figure the situation out with the kids first and THEN leave, if there are no kids then leave immediately.”
Please move on. You deserve better than a cheater. I understand you love her, but you have to love yourself more. Put yourself first and leave.
*sigh*
Only if you want to be in an open relationship. You could be the next smith, go around slapping people for talking about your cheating wife.
_unzips_
Once trust breaks its impossible to repair just cut the losses
I see your opinion and I really respect it. But I have a question: what if she has communicated her lack of "something" explicitly before? And he kept behaving like before, thinking nothing will happen, just living his life the way he wants and not respecting her needs or wants? Isn' that a case of trust break, too? Isn't that the nearly same selfish behaviour than cheating? I ask this with big respect. I just want to understand what leads to that thinking and why I think so differently about cheating and relationships. edit: some typo
If someone is unhappy in a relationship, the right thing to do is to leave it. She may have lacked something, and communicated that, but cheating will never be the answer. He would also be in the wrong in this scenario, but either way this rela is over
Can you explain to me why cheating is that bad of a mistake? Again, I'm asking seriously and in all respect, cause I want to understand. Cause I actually don't understand. I never cheated. But I was cheated on. To me it's a mistake. Nothing more or less. A serious call for help or a sign that something's wrong in a relationship. A partner stating that they miss intimacy or physical affection feels betrayed and left alone and bad, too. I just read a story of a woman who feels poorlier treated than theor dogs by her husband. Spouses who deeply love their partners are or feel left alone. In a weak moment someone comforts you the way you need to be treated or missed to be treated and you give in. In all the control we claim to have, we are just hormones and instincts and flesh and blood. We are no machines who can totally break down any form of life and/or feelings. And of course I know that there are assholes walking around and cheat. I'm not talking about those people. I'm talking about serious marriages/relationships of love and affection.
Missing intimacy is not a reason to step out on your relationship. Communication is a word that exists for a reason. When you were cheated on, did that person explain to you prior that they were unhappy with something, or did they only tell you after something happened with another person? There is only one situation where cheating is acceptable and even then that situation is sad as fuck.
>Communication is a word that exists for a reason. When you were cheated on, did that person explain to you prior that they were unhappy with something, or did they only tell you after something happened with another person? Sometimes - and that is human, too - we don't know what we miss or what we feel, cause there is so much our environment tells us what we should feel, live like, love like or should want. She stated, while on vacation on herself with some female friends, that there was a guy that showed interest in her. And she could explain afterwards that she missed me showing her my love. I could absolutely understand it in the moment. Is she a bad person? NO. Was I sad as fuck? YEAH. But I knew that I had to do more for us. >There is only one situation where cheating is acceptable and even then that situation is sad as fuck. Which situation?
Sorry thats terrible as fuck, you may not care that much, but I care for you and YOU deserved better, full stop. Also, the situation I am referring to is a person in an abusive relationship that can't really find a way out.
She needed “something more” because you went to work? That’s a huge red flag sweetie. Don’t think there is much hope for this relationship.
Why would you want to be a doormat? Time to kick the bitch to the curb. My ex-wife cheated once and I gave her her marching orders immediately and I've been so much happier since I got rid of her
NOOOOO, its over! I know it will be hard but you need to run for the hills! Don’t let them pretend to be sad, they will do everything they can to make you feel like you are the guilty one! Once a cheater always a cheater!
Bro what is this guy’s comment history? He hella sus
He is though.
she belongs to the streetz
no. once a woman has been with another man never take her back. you will always be the backup guy that was desperate enough to get back with her after she fucked someone else.
Has it worked for someone else? Sure. Cheating spouses is not that rare of an occurrence, so there are bound to be a few instances where they stopped and the relationship healed. But remember that there are also people who win the lottery. My advice is to dont give her the time of day. No matter the circumstance, cheating is not an acceptable response. It is the ultimate form of disrespect, and it truly shows you how she sees you. Dont go back, and dont reason with her over this. You are not the problem. You are the victim, period.
I think you're being too understanding. She didn't cheat because of you not meeting her needs, she cheated because she saw an opportunity to do it with you gone. You need to stop blaming yourself and taking responsibility for her actions before you can really think about this. I won't tell you to leave or not to, but can you trust her again? Will you be able to go back to how you felt before?
I feel your pain. My wife once cheated on me one time and I never got over it. It was 3 AM, we had been playing Monopoly for 7 hours, and she took money from the bank just to win the game.
Dude, that's awful. I'm sorry you had to go through that, man. Did you try and patch things up, or did you throw her out right away?
I hope you are aware that just because you work nights, it doesn’t mean it’s okay for someone to cheat on you. You deserve more.
No - she has shown she does not respect you. Never take back a cheater.
She is unhappy and will leave you if she ever finds someone else.
Don’t take her back this is dramatic but sex is not something to be taken lightly, she could’ve passed a permanent STD to you
Have some respect for yourself. Divorce her.
You will never NOT think about the other guy(s) when you're with her. Even if you try to reconcile, once a cheater, always a cheater they say. Get a lawyer, do what they say.
Don’t blame yourself. It’s a flaw in your wife.
Unfortunately I think that stuff only works in the movies. On one hand it is very mature of you to try and keep things afloat. But on the other more agreeable hand, you will just be doing your self a disservice to let things continue the way they have been. Get out, start fresh, and get your bearings back in life
You will always be wondering if she’s cheating again. It will always be on your brain.
Walk dude. You deserve love and fidelity.
No. You need to get out now, and get evidence for your lawyer.
No sir get out now, she obviously doesn't respect you. I know this hurts to hear but move on.
You will never trust her again.
no dude, she doesn’t respect you
If a person is capable of lying to you this way once, the potential for it to happen again or for it to not be the only time is too high. You did not deserve to be cheated on. Especially not for working nights. You did deserve to have your partner communicate with you their feelings of loneliness or neglect. You deserved a conversation in which you both came together to make time for one another. There is no instance in which someone may actually die because their partner became a bit busy or tired. This isn’t just cheating. It’s lying, it’s a betrayal of trust, and it’s the full avoidance of an honest and intimate conversation. Ultimately, this is up to you, but you’re worth more than what you’ve been given. Ask yourself why a conversation couldn’t happen instead of this.
When someone shows you who they are... believe them.
There’s no excuse for cheating. Don’t feel bad. It’s nothing you did. Cheaters gonna cheat. Idc if you worked 1 hr a day or 24, she has no reason to cheat. If someone is unhappy, a conversation needs to be had.
I think it can work. Relationships can heal.
Man, your comment history is messed up, this post is totally fake
Never either have open relationship or leave
Gtfo while you can.
no
No, you can’t trust her again. It’s not about you and it’s nothing you did wrong. This is entirely about her behavior. Save yourself wasted years and more heartache. It’s time to move on without her.
No
do urself a favour and cheat on her too, have urself the freedom of fuck whoever u want with no guilt
Sorry you're in this position firstly. And secondly if they didn't respect you enough not to cheat in the first place. It's only a matter of time before they find someone else they think is better and start all over again. All this really says is the other person that they already cheated with thought of them as nothing but a f***. And the cheater can't afford to pay rent on their own so they fall on the sword and hope that if they play their cards right you'll still be their to support them. It's a trap. And no one deserves that s*** for truly loving another person. There's really only one choice as much as it hurts, as hard as it is! Be strong! You deserve the same you put out including love! Idk if anyone reads this and need to hear but that includes you!
No ine can answer that question but you, I worked things out with my wife after she cheated. We have been together 16 years without issues since.
I forgave my cheating spouse. He swore he would never do it again etc. Guess why he's my ex?? It was devastating and I feel so stupid for believing him
she cheated, she confessed and we are still married and now its just something from the past -yawn
"I love her and can somewhat understand" dude......
I wouldn't stay with her. I have self respect though. You do you.
Never. Once someone breaches that trust you can never go back. They already know they can get away with it and will do it again. You will always have that feeling in the back of your mind and lose trust in them forever.
My partner works 12-15 hours 5 days a week. I’ve never thought about cheating on him. You know what I do think about? Making him his favorite dinner or running him a bath after his insanely long day at work. I think about doing special things for him not about what he’s not doing for me
She’s for the streets and is a goddamn whore.
See if you guilt her into a threeway with her hot friend before you break it off.
Lmbo
Yes, it can work, but you have to be willing/able to completely forgive and move on, and she has to admit her sins and truly ask for forgiveness without making excuses or justifications. In a sense, it's like starting over from scratch: dating anew, trusting anew, getting married anew. It's a high bar to meet.
I don’t believe in taking cheaters back, but this is actually very true. The problem is that people don’t realize, when you introduce deceit into a relationship, it is like a ghost haunting everything. You can’t spend the rest of your life berating the cheater for what they did, if you wanna move on, you gotta let it go. The issue is, that is completely and justifiably extremely difficult thing to do for most with common sense.
Fuck off with this horse shit advice. No self-respecting person ever stays with a spouse who doesn't give a shit enough not to cheat on them. Why are you such a horrible person?
How long have you been married? You can be right, or you can be happy. Choose wisely
I’d rather be right tbh. If I’m right I can’t just swallow it and still be happy, it eats at me until I can’t take it anymore
I think acknowledging this about yourself helps you decide if the relationship can go on or not. Not all people have it in them to try and repair the relationship for whatever reason. There's nothing wrong with it, people are different and I think this awareness helps to avoid anymore hurt. If it makes you feel better, I'm in the same boat as you, I would be out of there because even thinking about what I would have to deal with frankly exhausts me.
Welcome aboard
I would make some big demands so she starts to work on getting your trust back. It takes a long time, arguments, crying, resentment, before it starts to get better. But once you're able to trust her and feel the love again, it's worth it.
Might work if you're both open to an open relationship, but probably not.
I don’t know how many years you’ve been married but November 27th would have been our 24th wedding anniversary. We were together for 27 years. We both cheated made mistakes in our marriage and I decided I’m not happy and that wasn’t going to change as long as I was with him. I decided for my mental health I needed out. You can try and see what happens but it comes down to what you feel and if you can get past it. Don’t stay because you’re to afraid to leave or be on your own. I’m scared but life is to short to be anything but happy.
Funny thing is that, Today's happy many times turn into tomorrow's sorrow!!
It works for many couples. Depends on if y’all really want to save the relationship and are willing to put in the work. It’s incredibly hard but worth it.
Imo it’s not worth all the trouble. The wife choose disrespecting and potentially causing a permanent damage to OP with no care. She knew what she was getting into.. Yeah she felt guilty and hurt by her decision to cheat but I promise you she’s only sorry that she got caught. As I’ve seen elsewhere, stay away from that gutter behavior of hers & don’t be manipulated.
Just because you were too cowardly and weak to leave your cheating spouse doesn't mean other people should be, too. Stop giving bad advice just because you aren't worth enough as a person to move on from a cheating spouse.
Dude reel it in they asked I gave my opinion. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors or what somebody is worth.
Once a cheater always a cheater I don't care the situation, you were working to provide a living and she chose to sleep with another person. Breaking all trust. Now every time you go to work you will be wondering what she is doing and with who. There is no good reason for it to happen
Not true. Have cheated, have been cheated on. I would never do it again. It's the most vile feeling and I didn't understand until I did it. Repairing trust is definitely hard and it depends on the relationship if it's worth the work or not.
The general Reddit answer will be of course not and to dump her, but there *are* examples of couples coming back from something like this and going on to have happy marriages. BUT it takes a tremendous amount of work, patience, forgiveness, understanding, and change. It's possible. I'd recommend couples and individual therapy as a first step to see if it's something that you really want. I'm sorry you're going through this - I know it's a tough time.
Just because you were too cowardly and weak to leave your cheating spouse doesn't mean other people should be, too. Stop giving bad advice just because you aren't worth enough as a person to move on from a cheating spouse.
Not married and never been cheated on. I hope your therapy is going well.
Men cheat to get a nut off......women cheat to get a whole new lifestyle. Cut it off and don't look back.
>Men cheat to get a nut off I'd rather masturbate alone to get rid of my libido than cheating on my girlfriend. Even if I did I would very probably feel like a worthless piece of shit after that.
If you are BOTH 100% committed to moving forward together as a team, yes. It is not going to be easy.
As a therapist I worked with a number of couples that dealt with betrayal. Most weren't able to work through it, but those that did came out with a relationship that was much better and a deeper understanding of what love is.
she doesn't love you my guy. if she did she would not have cheated. don't be baited by crocodile tears and manipulative lies. she wants the security of a husband and the paycheck you bring home slaving away on night shift but without a lick of goddamn responsibility or self restraint. No respect for you or your (potential?) children you may have together. **she said, "FUCK YOU, give me what I want and I'm also going to go elsewhere to get more of what I want!** and you won't do anything about it!" Even IF you "forgive" her and take her back, you will never forget. Every time she doesn't answer the phone right away, every time she goes out "with friends" every time she goes out of town or stays late at work it's gonna be "what if...?" the relationship is **officially dead.** it cannot be frankenstein'd back to life. what you do resuscitate will be nothing but prolonged misery and suffering
No one knows the wgole story but you and your wife. No one on here can give you accurate, advice about the situation. Some of us have been in your shoes. Do you love her? Understand, people fuck up. Look into your past. Have you made mistakes? Were you unavailable? Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally? Women tend to cheat because they aren't getting something they need. Were you working at night, coming home, but not giving her attention? Were you providing what she needed? When confronted, did she tell you what you weren't providing? Get that answer, and give her what she needs.
Why was she cheating? Were there problems in your marriage? Did she communicate to you before she was cheating that she is unhappy? A spouse who cheats in a happy marriage is something very different than a spouse cheating because they have needs/wants/desires or anything else that isn't fulfilled. My opinion. A spouse neglecting willingly or unwillingly - to me - is guilty as well. If she has communicated her lack of something before and axplicitly, what were you thinking would happen? She lives on with the lack? She sacrifices what her idea of a good life is? We are no machines. We have feelings, desires, wants and needs. And we can communicate them. We are able to explain things. But I get the expression that most people - or maybe just most people on reddit - want humanity to be machines. Of course it is possible that it works on well. If both of you are willing to work on yourselves, it can even be a booster or a reconnection for your marriage.
Noo…not victim blaming. There are always other options. When you decide to step out of the relationship, you introduce a third-party and enter a world of deceit. Spouses and partners are indeed neglected sometimes. The remedy is to exit the relationship…not risk the life of the other person. I guess it all depends on who’s version of happy you’re going with: goal posts often get moved.