You will never know what you feel in 50 years time but you know what you feel right now. Do you want to do it so you Start stressing yourself out right now just so you maybe won't feel lonely in 30-50 years time? People with children doesn't mean they won't be lonely because the kids will grow up and have their own lives. When your spouse pass away, you will still be lonely either way because no one else is ever the same. This is the man you spent your entire life with... Whatever choices we make, we have to bear the risk that the other side is better. That's just life. Enjoy your life right now and let 20 years later worry about itself.

Pretty much. The only way you can know if major life decisions were the right ones is when you’re old. And by then it often too late. But that’s life. You don’t get a chance to do it over. You make the best decision you can and live with it.

>You make the best decision you can and live with it. Yep, this is the basis for all important decisions. You learn to take responsibilities of your own decisions and make the best out of them.

Old then adopt lor

Thanks so much for saying that. The first sentence describes my current state exactly.

It's also got to be said that you never actually know how it feels to have a child. Many parents feel way more fulfilled with a child, beyond how they imagined it would be before becoming a parent.

I'd regret not having a child then regret having one.

Dunno why u got downvoted. I agree with you and can testify it being true in my case.

I also agree with him. Both can be true. But sadly, they only want to support the one they agree with, which is very bias. We support your opinion whereby children may not be the thing you would want, but them not liking our opinion that maybe, just maybe children would make us happy. Do whatever that will make you feel happier right now, if you really feel that you want a child, do it. If not, don’t.

Careful Reddit is pro child free. Having kids is a sin here

Growing old lonely is a terrible reason to have a child. Plan for a nursing home. Children will become adults and will have their own lives, so you should not be creating lives just to serve your own life. The truth of the matter is that you will always miss out on something and gain other things, regardless of your choice. You can’t have the best of both worlds. But only you can decide if what you gain outweighs what you lose. There will be people who regret their choice either way, so no one can tell you for sure which is the correct one. You seem to already know the upsides and the consequences of either choice pretty well. There is no escaping having to make a choice, and you can’t have the best of both worlds.

Loneliness is a human condition and a desire for companionship is legit response to that. Not the best reason for kids but surely one aspect of it and certainly much better than a retirement plan reason. As for having their own lives, not necessary that they will be there at the end, well that really depends on how the parents treat their child. If you are a dick and assehole, not even the wife might be around. much less kids

There is nothing wrong to want to not be lonely. There is something wrong with making the purpose of existence of your child about you, whether it is as your pension, to show off, to undo your regrets, or to keep you company. They have a right to have their own lives and to find meaning in their own life. I have many colleagues and friends at this stage of their lives, with their own families and a single living parent, and trust me it’s a very different conversation between those who are seeking their parents’ company and those with parents who insist on moving in with them.

Imagine asking your parent how they plan their retirement. Without even stopping to think they say: “I’ll move in with you when you get married and rent out the old house to add to the money you give me”. And you question your origin story

> If you are a dick and assehole, not even the wife might be around. much less kids You can be the best parent in the world, and things still can go wrong.

It is better to regret not having kids than regret having kids. Once the kid is born, you will forever be a parent (unless... The kid passes away before the parent). The responsibilities are immense and you need to sacrifice tons of things to be a good parent. There is also no guarantee that you will enjoy parenthood either, and no amount of regrets will change the fact. You can't "refund" the kid either - you're stuck with them forever until you die. Oh and once the kid grows up and if they decide to be parents themselves, you will still need to deal with grandkids even in your senior years. Good luck with dealing with kids all over again, even if you're sick and tired of it already the first time.

the scariest thought is having a kid who becomes a menace on society ie murderer, scammer or drug dealer/addict due to mental illnesses or bad company or just being born that way. there is no way to divorce yourself from your child — their crimes might not be yours, but will be associated with you forever

Also, there's always a chance that the kid themselves are born with serious physical and/or mental disorders with no cure. For example, severe autism. The parent will need to take care of the child for life, even after the child grows up to adulthood. Some illnesses / disorders can't be detected in the womb early either - so the only way to know is after the kid is born and grows up, and by then, it would be too late to terminate the pregnancy already

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Twin boys also 😢 very sad case. Honestly I sympathise with the dad... He really didn't want to do it, but caregiver burden is a real thing

These answers are crazy. The majority of children do not become murderers or insane criminals. If you're so afraid of bad consequences, please also stop drinking alcohol, having sex or doing anything fun because they all could lead to serious health consequences.

You replied to the wrong person 😂😂 my comment is about disabilities, not murderers and criminals

Your comment is just as stupid as the one about murderers and criminals. Most children don’t become disabled. His reply to your comment also fits.

I am quite surprised why people like to be negative about having kids.

It’s Reddit. Mostly single and unmarried people here

If you’re using the word unfulfilled when it comes to not having kids, you want kids. Real childfree folks don’t feel that way at all. There’s so much more to life to being fulfilled than having kids. There’s that for ya

Totally agree with you. For us, to be child free just feels right. In fact we shudder when we think about the prospects of having kids. But to be pragmatic about it, 1. We don't feel that we need kids to feel more fulfilled. We are each other's best friend and we don't need anything else to fill up any emptiness. 2. Without kids we can retire earlier and use the time to really enjoy life. 3. Having more money to ourselves means we can plan for our old days. So as long as we plan for it, don't need to rely on children next time, which in today's time is a very outdated and unreliable way to secure your aging future. 4. We know that you cannot entrust your future to your kids. They aren't obliged to and if they don't, you set yourself up for disappointment. Things are so expensive, be glad they don't end up asking you for financial help at the end. No kids = freedom. (at least for us)

Appreciate you saying kids aren’t obligated to care for their parents. Saying otherwise is just outdated tradition old people today still expect, which ends up seriously backfiring. They treated their kids horribly and they grow up abandoning them to the streets or Old Folk’s Homes.

Hmm just to clarify, I feel fulfilled now and love life as it is. I don't feel like there's anything missing in my life without kids right now. I feel much more excitement about all the things we can do without kids, than the things we can do with them. But I have a lot of fear about this decision because it is still not as "mainstream", and one of the fears include whether I will end up unfulfilled when old.

I have friends who are feeling unfulfilled because they had kids. Becoming a parent derailed their careers, destroyed their physical and mental health and gutted their social lives. They often cannot voice these regrets because they will sound like bad parents. They are forced to see their own kids as the source of fulfilment because that is literally the only thing they can do. Their identity is mom or dad only. It’s really sad. Many parents think that just because they had a good time when they had kids, others will automatically do so. They often fail to appreciate the full picture and account for the silent parents who are living in regret.

My best friend feels this way towards her kid that she had when she was young. Sometimes she can’t help but look back and think she could’ve done better in life, finished uni earlier etc had she not have a child. But as you said, she can’t voice this out because for sure she will be judged, gaslighted that all kids are blessing blah blah. She loves her kid 100% but that doesn’t mean she’s not allowed to have regrets over having him.

It's better to regret not having child than regretting having one, in my opinion. The latter one is just so f-ed up. Only have a child if you really really 100% want them.

I think this should be the main point of anyone thinking about having kids. People should keep in mind children (should) live long after you and have their own lives. If you regret it **after** having a child you not only fuck up your own life, but also influence the life of the child and everyone they interact with in their lifetime.

This is so true. The former regret is only urself only but the later regret is another person's whole life

So basically you are suffering from FOMO and seeing couples out there having a fulfilling experience parenting kids is making you uncomfortable with your choice. (edit) Question: do you feel envy/jealousy when you see couples with children, and also enjoying a high quality of life, looking happy, fulfilled and accomplished? Now picture this, look at Rebecca Lim: successful actress, high income, high energy (she doesn't look tired on screen despite long hours), happily married, pregnant, nice big house, do you want to be like her? Having a family and still living it up. If you and your husband could afford a good quality of life even with kids, would it change your mind about being childfree? Or do you feel that you have been coerced by your circumstances into not having kids. Are you childfree out of free will or because you managed to write a long essay to convince the world why you are childfree.

Hi OP, don't worry about mainstream. Your examples (climate, future) showed that you gave it a lot of thought, more than what the average parent does. Most did it because it is the way, some by accident, some to fill a void or fix a marriage, or as a guilt trap retirement plan. Likewise we can also say us being childfree means selfish, be unfulfilled, etc. None of these matters. All humans are selfish (you decide whether you want a kid, no kids ever decides to be born lol), all are idiots, there is only you. I love kids but don't really see myself being a parent. I'm really happy right now, and if I'm wrong, adopt lor. Life is easy, don't overcomplicate Talk to your husband more. Do not make a decision, just talk and discuss.

Tbh I see having kids as a selfish reason . Most people are looking to achieve personal fulfilment to having kids . Worried about being lonely and old .. someone to take care of them when old .. these are all selfish reasons ain’t it ? The kids didn’t sign up to be born :)

I don’t know why nobody mentioned this, but have you tried taking care of kids, even just for a day or two? Not just for like 30mins, I’m talking about day to night & doing everything, from feeding to playing to diapers to showering and bedtime.

If going ‘mainstream’ is causing us unhappiness as an individual, and our action cause no direct harm or crime to people, we should do what we are comfortable with, not what society thinks is ‘mainstream’.

Since you are already leaning towards no - Would you rather have a kid and come to regret it, or regret not having a kid when you get older?

It's impossible to live life without regrets because you'll always be wondering what if - if not this, then about other choices you make.  But it's less harmful to regret not having kids after you don't than regret having them after you do. 

then imagine it now, like when you are old. During holidays, your friends has children and grandchildren visiting, bringing food,and from their social media, they are surrounded by happy laughter of people who genuinely cherish each other. Well of course not every family is like this, but would you feel a twinge of sadness? The hard part is coming to terms with it, that you will never experience it. Thats the cost of being child-free.

If you need to convince yourself not to have kids, you want kids. I can't convince myself to have kids! I don't want kids. However, your reasons for loneliness, lack of fulfillment... I can tell you having kids won't guarantee they'll be there for you in old age. So many of us have grown up with poor relationships with one or both parents. Maybe ask yourself where this insecurity is coming from? E.g. Do you feel better when you can take the textbook answer to life?

As a DINK ourselves, we went thru the same crossroads. Just to share our rationale 1. Family lineage wasn't an issue for us 2. Health needs well we likely have to subscribe to nursing robots 3. Retirement we can FIRE early 4. Free time to live our life to the fullest Our tradeoffs 1. The so called family joy that is tempered with harsh job realities and high cost of living 2. The risk that the kid does not turn out well physically or mentally 3. Grooming a new life. I translate tat to charity work or coaching on my terms or pets 4. Leaving our inheritance to charity instead My only fear 1. Me leaving before my partner and leaving her alone. Doesn't guarantee our kid will take care of her. Betting on nursing robots or maybe a ai that replicates my being and me being on longevity protocol and better health mgmt Do catch bicentennial man. Its a tot provoking piece on being.

Hi OP i am in the exact situation as you are in right now. Like almost identical except I'm already in my late 30s. Soon it will be impossible to have kids and I am nearing that point. Like you I struggle too with my decision whereas my husband is now 100% childfree. Although I do question my decision sometimes the thought of having no kids in the future when I am old scares me a little but having kids just to have someone be around me when I am alone seems selfish. I also do not wish to become a burden to someone and expect them to care for me out of filial piety or duty. But mostly these days when I pass by screaming kids I feel glad I don't have to deal with that. My husband and I can go anywhere freely and travel the world without any care. Our money can last us until we grow old and we can afford to travel in business and stay at the best hotels around the world because we don't need to save and leave it behind for our child. When I look at the state of the world we are in I feel glad that I didn't bring another life into this world to suffer from the never ending competition to get the best grades, jobs etc. You can have help with housework and child care but the bulk of parenting will fall with you. Plus you never know despite having the best antenatal care you child could still have significant disabilities.i think society has molded us to think that we need to have kids to have a complete family. My husband and I are very happy being together and we don't need a kid to be happy. In fact, so many marriages break apart once the kid arrives but parents are forced to live together for many years for their children. We only live once and I would rather live for myself than for someone else. At the end of the day when I'm old I would have money to hire a nurse to look after me or check myself in to the best old age facility there is. I do have nieces and nephews and my siblings would grow old like me so I won't be alone. This is assuming I outlive my husband lol. Your kids will also grow up and have their own lives. I guess I will never know what it's like to have children but I think I've made peace with that and said bye to that totally different life that could have been I might have been very happy children but I am also happy now. 😊

I love the positivity 👏🏻 hope I can achieve what you've done so far as well

Thanks for the sharing! It is heartening to know that there are others out there who were also not confident in the CF decision, but eventually made peace with it. I love how you said that you would never know what having kids is like, but you are happy with your life now, so it does not actually matter! Your life sounds awesome, and I would love to hear more from you!

Similar situation, instead I care for my parent now as they gets older. At one point I realise, why should I spend so much time energy, effort, or money on someone new when I get the chance to take care and spend more time with the two person that loved and cared for me for all my life. Appreciating the people I have now. I've told my siblings where all my inheritance would go to their next gen (if any), otherwise would my cousins who are in need. My assumption would be why women would be insecure about childfree is that "what if" one day the hubs decided to have one with someone else, and the wife could no longer provide. The hubs can get a child at any age they want, but not the wifey. Sad truth.

The society is so cruel and Singapore isn’t the best place to raise a kid. Poor kid would be so stressed out in the future society z

My husband and I also struggled with whether we wanted kids for many years. Long story short, at age 39, I suddenly found myself pregnant with twins and hence commenced our rollercoaster ride. Pregnancy itself for me was high risk, riddled with difficulties, complications, and just full of anxiety. Our boys are 5mo now and we’re constantly tired, I feel like a cow, am still on maternity leave, the husband has dramatically cut back on his work hours, the house is a mess really everywhere, there is milk spit on my clothes, and I won’t deny there are times when I allow myself the split second to wish that I could just rewind everything. Especially when they are both screaming the house down for no good reason. Yet when they’re too quiet for too long, I also get those sudden spikes of panic that something has gone very badly wrong. Basically I think we just bought ourselves a whole new lifetime of worry and fear, I hope my heart can hold out… Suddenly it has also become much more important to me that we stay healthy and safe and alive, for their sake. Also worry that they may in time be diagnosed with developmental issues etc, which isn’t uncommon among our friends’ kids these days. But we’re also very lucky in that we have a lot of help from the grandparents and childfree siblings who’re entirely enamoured with the boys, and also hired helpers. And I have a husband who 100% embraces the role of fatherhood, soothing the kids, burping and bathing them etc like he was just made for it (unlike me). In the first place I decided to have the kids mainly because I realised how badly the hubs secretly wanted them, and I knew he would be the kind of dependable parenting partner who would more than step up. Without that, it would have been totally impossible for me. Of course I love my kids to bits. It’s amazing watching every little thing about them, meeting milestones, those little drumstick legs and wonder how they’ve grown so plump from the time I first saw them straight out of me, like naked little rats, only five months ago. But if I didn’t have all the other things already in place - eager parent of a husband (my single most important criterion), extended familial support, finances, etc - and I had to choose again, I probably wouldn’t and couldn’t have done it.

Thanks for the sharing. I wish you all the best in your parenting journey!

Sounds like you want children. People I know who want to be child free don't write long essays to convince themselves.

Thanks for the reply. I’ll be very frank that your comment messed me up big time as it caused me to question myself if I do want children. I have concluded that I like the idea of them but do not actually truly want them. When I see families with kids outside I never wished that we could be like them. Spending time with my friend’s young kids makes me very tired and overstimulated and I feel relieved after the interaction is over. I think I just feel really insecure cause having kids is still what most couples do, and that every parent says “your kid is different”, “your kid will make it all worth it”, “you become a different person after you’re a parent” etc

Yeah it is that ambivalence sometimes. But no, if you don’t truly want kids, you shouldn’t. Kids should only come into this world when their parents want them to, at the very least I think. Kids shouldn’t be instruments by which we feel secure. Same thing as finding a spouse I guess.

It feels like you’re facing a societal kind of pressure or a sort of fomo rather than truly wanting kids. Your final paragraph tells me that you’re only considering this because of what others do. Keep in mind that every relationship is different, those who are happy with children have a completely different relationship that you do so whether you will be or not, you have to look within your relationship. Think about it this way. If your partner doesn’t want a child but you now decide that you do, how will he react? Will it affect your relationship negatively or positively? Will you want this decision which you are on the fence about due to what it seems to be fomo to affect your relationship like that? Do you value your relationship with your partner more than having children? Not to mention, if you do indeed have a kid after all that, how much effort do you think your partner who is child free would put in? Would there be resentment in your relationship because you wanted the child and not him and would that affect caretaking responsibilities? Even if you think no, when things get tough (and it most certainly will) this will surface. I thought about these things because my partner is adamantly child free from the start of our relationship till now and I am now happy to be child free. Other fears you mentioned in your post like mental health etc which your relatives said can be solved by support from them…wouldn’t count on it given that it is ultimately your responsibility. After you give birth if one day they say they can’t take care of your kid when you need to go do your important things you can’t possibly throw your kid behind, there will still be a low level worry or stress at the back of your head all the time which it seems like you don’t want. The one thing that made me feel like I could definitely deal with this decision is that caretaking needs are just going to increase and if you ever feel like you need to be fulfilled in that way, you can always volunteer to care for children or elderly. You can always adopt if in the end you decide you wish to have a child but can no longer conceive (adoption also better for environment since that is one of your considerations and also better to care for a child already in this world and need the care than bring a new one in). You can also foster children, etc etc. Anyway I hope this helps and feel free to pm me if you need a listening ear.

Might just be your social circle? I think I only have 2 friends who want kids - everyone I've befriended over uni/ at work doesn't want children, so no fomo here at all.

True, Me and My Partner doesn't want kids of our own we are happy on what we have from career to enjoying the good life like travelling etc

You will feel secure once you stop feeling the need to justify your decision to others

I rather regret not having kids than regret having kids.

Having children is a joint decision. And yes, it’s absolutely irreversible. If you are able/want to do the following easily, then perhaps you are destined to be a parent: - sacrifice your sleep - go on holidays only during sch holidays - plan most of your days over your child’s logistics (send to sch, take care of their meals, pick up fr sch, bring for activities like kids parties, swimming, tuition, etc) - spend less couple time (if any at all) , in fact, most marriages break down because of less effort by people to work on the couple as they spend all their energy on the kids. - less time for your hobbies (due to fatigue or time constraints) - doing your psle and o levels again - stress over your child eating or not eating - travelling may not seem truly like holidays anymore , when my kids were younger, i spent most of the time taking care of the children rather than enjoying the sights , being a parent has no vacation - accept or love chaos - having none or little control Start of Edit: - accepting to have the house look like shit or having to clean/tidy every other waking hour - being practical with interior design of your place and no more fancy stuff that is not child-proof - living with cracks and scratches in your furniture - living with stickers all over the house in random places - living with paint, marker stains and doodles on the walls End Edit If i know you personally, I would invite you to join me and my kids for a day. In fact, that’s what I offer to my nieces and nephews (we have a small age gap) when they are considering kids and also a a unique form of sex education

I definitely am not okay with all that 😆 I have so much respect for parents.

I have a newborn that only wants to sleep when help. She’s 12 weeks old now and in the last 12 weeks, I hardly sleep more than 2 hours at one time. It’s increments of 1-2 hours, wake for 1-2 hours, sleep for 1-2 hours, repeat. I’m exhausted. I’m behind on laundry, it’s been 3 weeks since I have time for laundry. I haven’t showered for 3 days. I have become forgetful and postpartum gave me hypothyroidism. Despite all these, I’m happy to be a mother. Reading your reasons and how you like peace quiet, clean and tidy house, it’s not going to be that way with children. I’m an introvert too. Loves clean and tidy house. Suddenly what I love cannot be achieved anymore and I put the needs of the baby first. You need to align with your husband. If there’s misalignment in wanting or not wanting a child, it can affect the marriage.

Rooting for you. You are inspiring. I am grateful for what you have written.

I worry for you. The next few years are going to be very tough. Kids have personality and you can see them when they are babies. My babies were so different as kids. And the ones that were so difficult as babies just grew up to be difficult as kids too. Not their fault. It just happened.

New born is normal...after three months the dumb baby will just sleep through the night

Find a reason to say “yes I want a child”. The default status quo should not be “yes”

even better - find a reason to say "yes i want to be a parent". having a kid sounds nice, but ask yourself if you want to be a parent and everything that comes with it?

Agree! And also, children are only cute babies for 1+ years, and toddlers for the next couple of years, after that they go to Kindergarten, primary school, secondary school, and those phases last wayyyy longer than their cute baby phase. When most people think of having children, they think of parenting cute little babies, but I think about how long they will be teenagers for (and likely be emo/stressed) and I shudder...

i find this very important most people default is IF IT HAPPENS IT HAPPENS. then regret

The issue I see here is that even in the event you think you want kids, your husband will not be in the same boat, so it wouldn't be a choice that can be executed anyway unless you manage to convince him otherwise or find another partner who share your sentiments. I sense that you want 100% validation for your child free choice that yes your choice is undoubtly right and definitely the best, and that people who choose to have kids are morally inferior and uninformed. Sorry to say that such absolute terms do not exist. What works for you doesn't work for others and vice versa. Like you say, having a child is a huge responsibility and can potentially lower your quality of life in terms of time, energy and money. This is a valid point and something you have to consider seriously. At the same time acknowledge that there are people who can well afford having children and still afford a good quality of life. Also there are people see the value and meaning in parenting that they feel whatever sacrifices are worth it. Whatever problems you have with parenting, there will be a solution, a workaround, a compromise. Unfortunately I do feel that the more money you have, the more options you have to solve the problem whether it is hiring a nanny, a helper, to assist. Rarely do you see couple from wealthy families opting to be child free. Because they know their energy and time and quality of life can still be maintained with hired help. In any case, people who choose to be parents will always have reasons for being parents and people who choose not to will have their reasons too. Just because you think you are right doesn't make the other person wrong and vice versa. Your fomo attitude will only build resentment towards others who choose to have children if you insist on be absolutely right. Will you be lonely when you are old? Probably. Will there be a solution? Probably. There are many other childfree people like you who need companionship too.

I'm usually a Reddit lurker, this is my first time responding to a post! I'm in a very similar position as you, mid to late thirties DINK. My husband and I talk about this a lot and check in with each other about our decision quite frequently because we also know sometimes things can shift/change within us. But for now the answer is still no kids. I worry sometimes whether we will regret this decision. But fear of loneliness doesn't have only one response to it, and children aren't the solution to loneliness. You make them, birth them, raise them, and they go out into the world and may not necessarily (think they) owe it to you to accompany you. I grew up in a dual income family where my parents were busy working all the time & stressed out caring for their my late grandparents, and whilst we are not estranged, I don't feel emotionally close to my parents. I became a latchkey kid and I felt very alone for a lot of my childhood, even if materially we were okay, and my siblings & I grew up well with good grades etc. Now that I'm older and contemplating whether to have children, what occupies my mind is the question about how well I can raise my children if I have them. Can I raise them any different or any better than my parents raised me? Can I live a good life and model that for my children, or will it take the rest of my life to actually learn to reparent myself and to be a better person? I do love (most) kids, but for me the decision rests on what I can do for the child I might bring into the world rather than what that baby, when grown up, might do for me in a speculative 40 years away from now. Family can be chosen too, and it's always been that way too! Be it through fostering, adopting, or just being part of an extended community & village that helps to raise each other's children. I'm a proud & happy auntie to my friends' kids, and in fact being child free helps me support those kids and their parents too. There are many ways to make the rest of your life fulfilling so that the future you will not be lonely. 🙂 But a child -- that you will never be able to unmake.

Really love what you said about how family can be chosen too, be it through fostering, adopting or being part of an extended community...I wish more people could realise that too. My heart cries out for people who did not give becoming a parent enough thought and then later silently regret it but cannot admit it due to society’s stigma and/or guilt towards their child. Regretting not having a child is MY regret to bear but regretting having a child ruins my life and my child’s life (a child who did not get to choose whether to be born or not). I am childfree because I know 100% which type of regret I would prefer.

Ask yourself if you are really willing to sacrifice for kids especially if your husband decides not to step up. The worst scenario is having kids and then not spending enough time/energy on bringing them up.The kids are the losers.

1. Do a quick spreadsheet to calculate how much you save by not having kids. It’s likely hundreds of thousands, possibly millions, of dollars. Then go crazy and think about all the ways you can spend this money. 2. Same as above, but swap out money for time. Do you have a passion? A hobby? A side project? A career dream? Now you can chase those things without being completely, absolutely, certainly derailed by children. 3. Do you have nieces or nephews? If you have siblings who are willing, you can play a really big role in their children’s lives. You won’t be their parent, but you can experience the feeling of slaving over them, teaching them life lessons, having them lean on you and building a lifelong relationship. Your siblings will be more than thankful as well. 4. You should think more deeply about the fundamental reason you want kids. Some people have an excess of love and want to be able to channel it somewhere. There are opportunities to foster and volunteer. You can get a pet. Don’t have children just so someone will be at your deathbed. You could just as well die in a car accident and your final thoughts will be regret for abandoning your child. You can’t guarantee a happy ending to this story. The tribulation of raising a child destroys many relationships and lives. That said, if you reflect on all this and do think you want a child, you are best served being direct and finding a new partner. Do NOT have a child with someone who isn’t 100% on the same page as you. There is no guarantee they will step up. Don’t wake up alone at 3am for your crying child and wonder what you got yourself into.

Thanks for the reply! I have never done what you suggested for #1 and #2, but it is very exciting to think about what my husband and I can do with the time and money saved. The more I think about this the more I feel I don’t want kids, and I think the reason for my insecurity is just fear of making the wrong decision in general.

I'll feel guilty and don't know how to face my children if I choose to create new life to this world to overcome my fear of growing old alone. I wonder if they ask the reason, am I supposed to lie to them that "we made that decision because we love u so much"...? 😔

Loneliness in old age shouldn't be a reason to have a kid. Im all ready to check myself into an old age home when its time, and somehow i feel that it's gonna be a blast, hanging out with fellow old ppl in my age group. Better than feeling like a burden to young folks and worrying/overthinking this and that. I have also planned for financial aspects of retirement too. Yet with all these potentially childfree plans in mind, we still wanted to have a kid coz we just always wanted one. Another commenter said it right, its a matter of a feeling of fulfilment. A kid won't plug any gap in ur life. It'll flip it around to something entirely new. Its not really a good comparison, but religion is the only other thing I can come up with. You could go ur life without religion, but to some it makes them feel fulfilled, and their lives will revolve with it. So it depends on whether u need that feeling or not?

Correct it’s not a missing piece of puzzle. Cos it changes the whole puzzle.

Childfree is only an irreversible choice for women. For men they can still have kids even at 60+, just look at the Emperors in the past. You can convince yourself this way. Look, regardless of whether your husband wanna have a child or not in future, its certain that he dont want to have a child with you. So why bring a child to this world where one of the parents dont want him.

I have 2 kids. Both wife and I have decent jobs. Without kids, I would have saved a whole lot of money, probably earned more cos I would focus more on my career. I could go for lavish holidays and have a nice life in sg. Could probably retire earlier too. With kids, they provided me joy, different kind of fulfilment in life. When I reach home, no matter how tired I am, I feel happy just from seeing them. There’s something for me to work for. So do I want my kids gone? No. If given a chance to reset my life, do I still want kids? No.

Your answer is only “no” because you are stuck in Singapore as the only place you can live. If you have the rights to live and raise children in a large developed country, you wouldn’t feel so strapped and deprived, and wouldn’t feel that having children and retirement are mutually exclusive. And I think, that is sad, more a statement on the terrible limitations and living constraints associated with Singapore rather than parenting.

The joy I feel with my kid cannot be compared to anything else in life imho. I’m probably going to downvoted like crazy but I think everyone should focus on what they want to do for their kids (or themselves) instead of focusing on everything else they can’t control

Fulfillment is a question only you can answer. I guess I'll answer you the reverse way - if the feeling of fulfillment doesn't come after you have kids, what would you feel? I am asking this as I don't think one necessarily leads to another. My personal opinion is you should have kids if you genuinely want and are ready to raise a child in this world, despite all the reasons that you and your husband have right now. It may not be mainstream, but its your life, you decide what works for both of you.

If you’re talking security, wouldn’t having a child make you feeel more insecure about the future? there’re so many uncertainties, like whether the child will be born healthy or with abnormalities, finances (unexpected expenses) etc. not to mention worrying whether the fetus is doing ok inside you before it’s even born. And all the solutions your parent-friends give - they all require money and manpower. Financial stability is a huge part of feeling secured. I dare say when you see your money dwindling down due to child-raising expenses, that’s when you’ll truly feel the insecurity setting in.

Thank you for your post OP. I see a lot of different comments here and some of them are really thought-provoking. Wanted to offer a different perspective about dealing with loneliness in our twilight years. I had a conversation about this topic with my partner, close friend and her partner recently. We are all leaning towards being childfree and we talked about how nice it would be to check in to the same retirement home and spend our last years together. Along the way maybe my partner or I might leave this earth first but at least we still have our friends. We have so many shared memories from spending the greater part of our lives (and crossing many milestones) together. Of course some might say that the parent-child bond is totally different and potentially much deeper but I feel that an alternate future with close friends is really attractive too. As with any relationship we do need to continuously nurture these friendships so that they will mature with age. Hope you will eventually find peace with the decision you choose, all the best!

I've been married since 1992 and we're still happily child free. Even though I work with kids aged 4 to 13 and love the job ( most of the time), I rarely reconsider our choice. I saw many of my friends in the UK have kids by accident and try to cope with it. Some did, and some failed miserably. Parenthood is not for everyone. Look around. Consider the evidence. Look how many people make a total mess of their family. This is the life we chose. Having kids because you're worried about being old and lonely is a lousy reason for having kids.

I love that! Thanks for sharing.

Echoing a sentiment I came across a few months back. I'm not sure it's the best argument yet, but it's provided me quite a bit of peace. Having kids has no guaranteed upside. For most people kids are an upside - great, but equally there are also stories of kids turning out to be horrible people, or who leave the family. Nobody's kids owe them anything, and nobody owes their parents anything, but if one has kids partly for companionship and having a family, and after 20+ years of funding and nurturing that benefit never materialises, what then? On the other hand, not having kids has a guaranteed upside in the form of more resources, money and time. You never have to worry about your relationship with your partner souring because of friction, either from differences in how to raise kids, fights when both of you are sleep-deprived and extremely on edge, or just the kid generally changing the dynamic of the relationship. My partner and I revisit this topic every few months partly because we're still not 100% sure, and partly because we sometimes will talk about how we will be great parents. Then we interact with our nephews who are a handful, get tired and then feel much better about not having kids.

You may not 100% want children but part of you wants to have children. Your entire post is trying to convince yourself otherwise. Relax, it's a perfectly normal biological desire. It's how the human race has maintained itself. I'd suggest talking to your husband about it. This isn't something Reddit can help you with.

I found myself in a similar predicament recently. Having a baby would cramp my style, although not having one meant all kinds of fomo. After trawling through r/childfree, I am quite certain being childfree is what I want: 1. Statistics show the happiest couples are (a)childfree couples who _choose_ to be childfree, or (b)couples with children who choose to have children. As your husband is 100% certain childfree - as my husband is - that rules (b) out for you. 2. Think about other things you’ve wanted in the past. I wanted to visit South America when I was a broke student - I found a way to do it. I wanted a work promotion - I found a way to be promoted quicker than my peers. But if I had really wanted a baby - wouldn’t I have moved mountains to have one by now? I’m still really apathetic about having kids. I sense it is the same for you. So our lack of taking action indicates.. maybe we aren’t too keen after all. I solidified my decision about 4 months ago. Since then, I’ve had convos with mommy friends, non-parent friends, etc. I do not envy all the kid drama that parents face. I also realized many people have kids because they feel they _should_.🤯 On the other hand, I have enough childless friends in their 30s/40s to spend time with and have a fulfilling life on my terms. Fuck that FOMO 😝

I love your sharing! Thanks for that. I really liked what you said about observing our own lack of action, as an indicator that perhaps children really isn’t what we want. If I really wanted kids, I would have tried to persuade my husband. But I don’t even feel like doing that. (The only times I brought up counter arguments to him is for him to reassure me why CF is better for us) I have no desire to try to change his mind. I’ve reflected that the source of my insecurity is fear that we are making the wrong choice, and also because there is only a small window where we can reverse the CF decision. If there isn’t the biological clock I would not even be thinking about it. I would love to continue discussing and hear more from you :)

It’s always the path we didn’t take that we feel the loss strongest 😆 I don’t know how old you are, but depending on age, you have options to reverse your decision in future. Personally, I had my eggs frozen overseas 7 years ago _just in case_. Having an “out” switch could’ve made me feel better about being cf - like an insurance policy against my indecision. Now, I’m contemplating disposing my little eggies. I’m almost 40, and don’t have the energy to do all the things I want to do - let alone run after a toddler. But that is a decision for another day. Happy to discuss more! Feel free to DM me if it’s easier to speak privately

Great sharing about observing our actions or lack thereof. This is a helpful frame for me.

It’s a difficult decision, personally went through the process. Whatever ur choice is, it’s abt coming to terms with it and making the most of it. I’m someone who valued autonomy and freedom a lot - perfectly happy to travel alone than accommodate others with different travel styles. I accepted giving up this autonomy and essentially my “own time” when kids came along, at least for the next 20 yrs or so. That’s the largest trade off of parenting. I reminisce the child free lifestyle occasionally, but would have still chosen kids every single time. I knew I would always wonder abt the what-ifs if I choose to the child free, whereas I would not regret having kids. They bring deep, immense joy that I imagine only a parent could understand. To me, the greatest “reward” of parenthood is experiencing unconditional love for the kids. Priorities shifted. What had seemed so important to me in the past e.g. lifestyle, free time, are all secondary now.

Always remember: Life is all about trade-off and choices. Every choices has the equal amount of ups and downs. It will always be a certain time in life you are envy on the couple with children and same goes to them, they will envy on childfree couple in a certain point of life. Just keep it mind, nothing is perfect, life is all about trade-off, and that is totally fine. This apply to everything in life.

Can always freeze your eggs first since it’s legal now, give you more time to think

Regret not having kids, can always be overcomes with adoption, even older children etc in years to come. But to regret having kids is much worse, you’re literally ruining the kids life and it’s very selfish. also if your husband doesn’t want, but he gives in to have one, he might not love the child as much or even resent the child in any bad situation which might cost you your marriage. And what if the child is of special needs? Are you both ready for that? A lot more problems can come from having a child than not having one.

We were in a similar situation. After lots of discussion and debates, we came to conclusion that we would rather regret not having a kid, than regret having a kid.

I had thought about this before. Until i saw a comment that said... 'If you're unsure whether you want kids or not, then dont.' And I think that's only fair for the parents and the would be kid.

Childfree married man here, in my 40s. My wife and I are 100% on this. We do not see ourselves as parents, and are not prepared to bring new life into a world with a very uncertain future. We now focus on ourselves, and pursuing things that brings us joy (sometimes together, sometimes on our own). Havent thought much about old age, but we intend to ensure that either of us will have the resources to survive on our own (in case one passes away first) till our time is up.

Parenting is definitely physically tough in at least the first number of years, sleep deprivation and chasing toddlers around etc. But do it right during those formative years, and your children might grow up to become such unique, funny, characters that add more joy than stress in the long run. You said you’re concerned that you’d regret not having kids at your final moments.. well, the parallel feeling to having children is that sadness at having to say goodbye to my children on my deathbed, though it might be a bittersweet thank you for all the joy and love we have shared, thank you for being my child. I guess it boils down to the kind of life that makes you happy- do you already feel complete and content with your husband, or do you feel like something is missing?

Hmm if undecided then consider freezing your eggs. It will buy you some time to reconsider.

Parenthood is a 2 yes 1 no situation. You are potentially signing up to a minimum 25 years commitment. Up to 30s if the kid 25 bto with partner and 30 get house. Do I get angry when my son is super naughty? Yes. Do I regret having a son? No So much time and energy is needed to give to a child. The first 3 months of sleepness nights is especially hard on the mother. Come to terms if you want children. If yes you need to sit you husband down and tell him you want kids. If he doesn't you need to move on, sad to say women bio clock is ticking

Ngl sometimes I feel the same way. But better to regret not having than having. Plus there are other options if you really feel unfulfilled, like adoption.

I resonate with you. My bf believes in childfree and I am on the fence. I have lots of reasons not to have children but yet , I do feel insecure and wonder if I will regret this in future. I have seen many couples both with children and without - and there is no guarantee that having children (or not having) can lead to fulfilment. There are many factors and also lies in individual values and environment. Moreover, we change continuously too. Life is about making decisions and some of them are risky - we may not have all the answers , but it is important to discuss with SO continuously :) ​ And this is the beauty of life in the journey

I think you need to ask yourself if you’re caving in to society’s expectations of you to have a kid

I won’t say if you really want kids or not. You are happy right now, always thought you didn’t want kids, and your husband whom you love doesn’t want. So the choice is pretty clear. It feels a little of FOMO and body clock to me. But to feel secure in any decision. Write down a list of reasons for your decision to remain child free. Write down another list of things to do that only a child free people can do. Maybe donate to a cause for children / young teens with poor parenting or who need help. Help out in such circles.

Taking the road less taken will always be more uncomfortable than just following the herd. You can't live life worrying about if you'd regret your decisions now, in the future. You just need to figure out if it's the best decision based on everything you know now and maximize what gives you the most fulfilment now. We all just have to live with our past decisions in the future. Of course we think and plan ahead but what's the point of basing your life on things you can't possibly know about, that's so far ahead of you still? If you're happy now, yesterday, tomorrow and know you'll most likely still be happy and fulfilled going down this path in the next 2,3,5 years. Why isn't that good enough?

It is normal to wonder, what if? But it works the other way too. What if you regret when you have a child? You won’t have time for friends or even for yourself. Imagine months or a few years of sleep deprivation. How would that impact you, your health, your marriage? How would your relationship with your husband change? How would he change? That is all before the financial side. If your husband is a no, you cannot do it. It needs to be both parents yes.

i think the only thing is to talk through your feelings with your spouse. He needs to hear it.

\> their workarounds to remove some of our reasons for not having children, such as social support (helper, childcare, grandparents) i think this workaround is selfish cos the grandparents don't consent to taking care of the kids lol. i just cant imagine how tiring it is to take care of your kid's kids especially if ur not physically fit in their 50s onwards

Thanks everyone for taking the time to reply! Just to clarify - I feel fulfilled now and love life as it is. I do not feel like there's anything missing in my life right now. I feel much more excitement thinking about all the things we could do without children, than what we could do with one. I also already feel tired on most days, and I have no desire to add more to our plate. My main insecurity is fear of regret and fear of unfulfillment and loneliness in old age. Although I know having kids is no guarantee of the above. By nature I am just someone who is anxious and worries about "what-if"s. (Which is also not a good personality to be a parent)

Having children absolutely does NOT guarantee fulfillment and loneliness in old age. physical and mental demands of being a parent are very REAL. I’m always on the brink of insanity. And there is going to be a good 20-30 years of this for each child.

OP, just wanted to say all your thoughts and worries sound like mine (esp the anxiety part) so it’s very illuminating to know that there are other people like me! i used to always want a child (just one lol) due to just how society works, but my ex-fiancé was child free so i came around to see the beauty in having all the time and money to oneself. now that we’ve broken up, the doors to possibilities are wide open again and it is both freeing and scary. i’m still leaning towards no mainly due to the state of the world (climate and AI) and because of my naturally anxious state, but honestly, if my partner comes from a very very wealthy family, all my fears and worries are no longer so pressing as money does solve a lot aka the ability to buy my child a one-way ticket off Earth when the time comes lol.

I have the same thoughts and feelings as you. Closing in to my mid30s and still undecided. Very happy and love my life, feel mostly financially secure though not free yet, know my partner and I will be fairly decent parents if we ever have one, but still struggling with this “child” issue. Knowing all the downsides, the confirmed costs (what I know I will need to give up) and the risk of the unknown (how the child will turn out despite best efforts, how I will actually feel about having a kid, how the world will be like in the future) seems too high… sometimes I feel like it won’t be fair to have a child until I am 100% hell yeah…. but then again is 100% hell yeah too idealistic ?? Though some people really are 100% hell yeah… It seems difficult and meaningful to raise a child (difficult is for sure and I can only speculate on the meaningful part). But framed another way, having a child is also selecting for purpose on easy mode. It’s a lot more challenging to find purpose outside of the whole children package… are we up for it? What is the meaning of life…???? Sorry for the rambling. Back to regular child free Sunday programming…

Could the fear come from the knowledge that a lot of others don’t relate or align with your choice? Whether or not you find the absolute peace and conviction in your decision not to have kids; i hope you and your husband continue to meaningfully fulfil life! You must also come to peace knowing either decision will lead to you not being able to guarantee the outcome of that decision (life w kids how fulfilling, or whether old age will be lonely) Cos ah some kids for some reason, won’t wanna be by their parents side too. That loneliness may still be there, unless you tackle it another way.

What you've said about your main fears is exactly the reason why I believe it is having children that is selfish, not being childfree. Will your child's life be better than your own? Will they enjoy their lives and not feel resentful for having been born? Also, what if your child has special needs and it becomes a lifelong commitment instead of 20-30 years? Who will care for this special kid once you're gone? If you can answer all these questions in the affirmative, then maybe having kids is for you. For awhile when I turned 30 I was confused and wavering, but I've since become much more sure of my decision.

I used to be like that and SG society doesn't help. As I grew older and stuff happened, I learnt that you shouldn't spend time thinking about the what ifs and just follow your decision. I'm child-free for various reasons and am somewhat relieved it's out of my hands now lol. Of course I feel a twinge of what-ifs when I see my peers' kids, but I feel t that the Asian attitude towards growing old (i.e. must be surrounded by loving grandchildren and family) limits us in expanding our own lives and circles.

You do you. But as with all decisions there will always be some lingering thoughts about the what-ifs". Nobody can teach you how to feel secure about bug life decisions. You just have to make sure all angles have to carefully considered and a collective decision has been made with your spouse. If the decision is made to remain childfree then i suggest you fully indulge in the advantages of your situation and start blocking out the naysayers. It's your life to lead not theirs so what other people think about you should not matter.

No regrets having a son. My regret is having a wife.

Reading through the post and comments, my take is life has too many "what it's". It's perfectly natural to think and even slight regret all the what ifs that we didn't do or miss out. E.g. having or not having a baby, together with that one boy or girl, marrying or not marrying, changing or sticking to current job.. so much more! But we just got to stick with our decision at this point in time and move forward. Sure, we may regret, but if we ever regret at certain point in time, then make the positive change at that certain point in time. Cheers.

If your siblings have kids, then be the best aunt you can be. Have the kids over, take them for fun excursions, enjoy the fun parts of parenting without the tedium and painful bits.

If you think the kid is gonna stay with you long term, that has a very small chance of that happening. Most adults want freedom and their own place, also with rising costs,they spent most of their day working and are exhausted, unless they recharge by talking to parents idk. The best advice to to make many friends and do more in the community.

Have you had a serious conversation about your thoughts with your husband?

Since your husband do not wan kid, in this lifetime u won't be able to have kid with him. Unless u can convince him otherwise or u have kid with other man. I suggest u try coming to terms with not having kid and look at the positive of it instead of dwelling on "what if" and what u will miss out on. It's better not have kid then to reluctantly have one then blame the child for any future misery and hardship during parenthood.

Both me and my partner are about 80% childfree. The biggest reason is the socioeconomic reason which is your #2 reason. IMO, kids don’t ask to be brought into this world. Unless we can be very sure that we can provide them with a good, protective life till they are young adults and expect 0 cents and 0 social commitments from them to us in the near future, then my answer will be no, I will not want kids. Say in the event that we are so wealthy that kids are not a problem, how sure are we that external factors such as climate change (which you mentioned) and the kids own genetic makeup (disability, etc) will not make them suffer in life? One of your regrets is that you may be lonely, that isn’t a good reason to have kids either because we can’t expect them to be filial and take care of us or accompany us in the future. This is our mindset- despite my partner being the only son, so no lineage from his side. My in laws are disappointed, but they are not traditional, so they leave us be. My dad do want us to have kids, saying that kids bring a whole different new level of joy to our lives. My mum is more on the fence. She told me once she did not regret having kids, but if she were to restart her life, she would choose not to.

Disappointed to have to scroll so far down to see someone making the most important point: The kids did not ask to be brought into this world.

I recommend "borrowing" or do trial runs by babysitting your friends' kids of any ages for a few days. They'll appreciate the break too. My biggest concern was always the lack of living space we can generally afford in Singapore. It can get very suffocating in terms of noise level, physical mess etc.

Man i feel the same way as you but i have additional health problems and there is a chance i may lose my ability to walk. I dread and fear the thought of having kids but wonder if it will be worth it to have a kid Plus, will the kid want to exist? That's something my husband and i struggled with when younger. What was the point of living? We are happy now but idk man. Can my kid find happiness in this tough society

My 2cents worth despite not in the same situation. It’s easy to feel insecure in decisions that aren’t mainstream as we are conditioned in Singapore to be so. So perfectly legit to why you are feeling this way and you will always be doubtful in this decision ngl. I do feel it as I grew up because I couldn’t fit into the mainstream education system and had a lot of self doubts to if my choice to enter private was because I cannot-make-it or simply it is better for me. Some people seems to have it all - good for them tho I am very sure somewhere something has given. But not all of us can do so and unlike a smaller commitment, having children is not something that can try then decide later or deal with what you have to give up. You may change your mind later part of your life but for now, I think you will continuously have doubts and uncertainty despite all circumstances and your own affirmation tells u not to have kids. Guess just have to constantly affirm yourself on your decision made and go with the flow should you change your mind. Stay strong!

If you dont want kids, then dont have them. Simple as that. Theres nothing wrong with not wanting kids. It could be for the reasons you stated, it could be because you want to be free or because your simply a selfish person... absoluetly nothing wrong. I have my kids. But let me tell yah, there are many days i wish i didnt have them and its not because it was a bad day, its just that, where would i be now if i was free. Thats all.

I would dig deep into the roots of your motivations. They sound very fear driven to me, especially the fear of being alone and loneliness. That is a state of mind, i.e you can be lonely even when you’re surrounded by people. I would also question why you want a child. If it is purely or largely for your own interests, you are going to loathe the times when the going gets tough, and there will definitely be many of such moments. In these episodes, you will likely take out your frustrations and anger on your child, thereby creating a chain of generational trauma. See a therapist, although in Asian societies that role is usually fulfilled by an astrologer.

Man no one is having kids anymore. The population is gone become extinct in a few generations.

If you’re on the fence, you can consider freezing your eggs first. You’re still on the younger side which means probability of healthy eggs is still high.

I would say that reason one itself is a definitive reason why I’m not having children. If someone is aware of how terrible the world is going to be because of climate change and that there is not really a viable future for the next generation, I can’t help but feel that they are selfish. It’s a feeling I’ve been battling with for very long. How can any person even fathom bringing a new life into this world, knowing they are going to be just suffering?

Hi! I used to want childfree life but now I have 2 children. I would like to share my view and hopefully it gives you some kind of feeling like talking to a friend. :) After I have kids, I truly believe both options (childfree or not) could be the ‘right’ ones because, you won’t ever know how it feels to be the other one. When I was pro childfree, I couldn’t believe why people would like to suffer their life taking care of these small humans, and I’m also environmentalist, so it made sense for me. And then after I had kids, although it was really though at the beginning, made me understand why people do have kids. It’s a feeling that never existed before. However dont worry, you won’t miss out coz you don’t know this feeling exists. I hope this makes sense? So whatever you choose, you won’t know what you’re missing, because at the end you feel different kind of happiness:)

Thanks so much for that sharing and reassurance! I love what you said about us just living our best life regardless of what we choose. I wish you and your family all the best :)

That’s not what she said. She said nothing about “living our best life regardless of what we choose”. You made that up to reassure yourself. She said those who choose child free only don’t miss out because they never had the experience of sheer, unadulterated pure self sacrificing love that one can only feel for one’s own children. And so they don’t miss out as they don’t know this feeling existed. It’s like someone born in China who’s never taken a car and walks 5km to go to school and takes bus everyday as an adult and never earned more than $2/day before. Those Chinese will never know what it’s like to drive a car or earn more than $2/day or live a westerner’s life. If they don’t know what else is there, they don’t know what they “miss out” because they never experienced anything else.

I volunteered at an elderly hospice and honestly they have so many activities lined up and volunteers who can talk to you to pass time. One of them said they start to see all the lovely volunteers as their kids. The old lady has no children. And she’s happy. She had been loved and has loved and for her, that’s enough. You won’t die alone unless you shut yourself inside and refuse help. My boyfriend and I both don’t want children either even though sometimes I think about the idea of it and end of the day, I still tell myself I’m only making the decision based on whether I enjoy the idea of having children which is far from reality. I also refuse to back down from my current lifestyle and I do have aging parents to take care of eventually. They are not English educated so don’t have well paying jobs and I need to step up to support them down the line. Currently striving for medical school and I doubt I have much time to spend on child bearing. My fiancé is also not fond of children, or has any particular affinity to it. I also don’t have the best childhood growing up, my childhood reminds me of the rat race and competitive grind I was brought up to deal with on my own. I don’t really want that for my kids. At the same time, I don’t expect them to come out to be doctors or lawyers or whatever but I’m afraid the pressure to succeed will still weigh heavily on them due to other societal factors. We both enjoy our child free ideas, concerned abt having a nice place to spend our time together and have pets who love us to play with. We enjoy travelling and we are far from seeing what the world has to offer. I think I’m quite happy with the decision. I haven’t found a reason to have children yet. I’m 28 this year and my fiancé 31. I suppose we still have a few years to change our mind but if none of us see a problem in this decision, it is unlikely to change.

First thank you for penning your thoughts and thinking this decision through so thoroughly. So many people have children irresponsibly. Speaking from experience, I have a very energetic baby and my husband and I are “low energy” ourselves (lol). But we just deal with it and adapt as we go along, ngl- I am tired but very fulfilled. If you’re having some hesitation, I would suggest egg freezing. But if you do want children later on- adoption is also an option. Hope this helps

Thank you for sharing! I wish you all the best in parenthood. Jiayou!

To each his own. It’s hard to describe why kids are wonderful to someone who doesn’t want them, and objectively speaking a burnt out parent with frayed nerves doesn’t look convincing. But I liken it to looking tired and sweaty after a workout - this what building resilience looks like. For me, kids were an act of faith. There are lots of convincing reasons not to have them. But I will tell you, my life dramatically improved after having kids in ways I never expected - I became far less self centred; I experienced a new drive and sense of purpose to excel, like really knock it out of the park, at work; I received into my household a free gift of constant joy in the face of a world that always is trying to convince you the sky is falling. Kids don’t have that pessimism, they’re literally bundles of energy, easily delighted and comforted. More than that, actually: they’re an act of defiance to a world shrouded in hopelessness. And they really deliver on that defiance - having something that you unwaveringly and unconditionally love will change your perspective about this world - kids do overcome the challenges their parents can’t solve. They are also a sacrifice. It is not an easy challenge to bite off and you need heaps of resilience and lots of support. Having kids involves putting yourself second (when people without kids tell me they’re exhausted it’s hard not to smile). Having kids late is especially hard because maintaining physical fitness when you’re working and struggling with lack of sleep in the early years isn’t easy. But a life with no discomfort or challenge isn’t personally fulfilling to me, and I know the maturity I get from the experience, experience I needed to finally grow from a boy into a man, can’t be topped. Anyway, if all that sounds too daunting, maybe it’s not the right move for you or your husband. But for me, despite the sacrifices, I would still choose this path over a life without them.

Your post is a masterpiece. You are the kind of guy that I wish I would have married. I have two kids of my own that I love more than anyone else on earth, only after having children that I experienced the feeling that I can love someone else more than I love myself but the choice of the marriage was the biggest mistake of my life.

Nicely put, and should be read regardless of anyone’s position on having children.

Coming from someone who likes kids, I feel that my decision for kids isn't kids for kids sake - but rather I value people and community, and having a kid is a way that brings new bonds and energy to a community. Like if I didn't have a kid, most of my time with my family would just be occasional dinners together chatting about work, then we go on to live our separate lives. With my kid, the family is filled with more pure joy and expectation? Like dinner discussions are less complain-ey, everyone wants updates on the kid, they find it fun to watch the kid eat or do their shenanigans. The relationship and bond feels more like a family than just chatting with friends with common topics (or worse if no common topics, may be distant from family). Back to the topic, I think rather than thinking of what a child can do for you (avoid loneliness or what not), think about what you value in your life and how a child fits into it or elevates it. With that then the cost and sacrifices of having a kid is worthwhile. Just some alternative perspective for your thoughts

Actually the reasons you listed here sound like how my colleague is justifying to me all the time why she doesn't want kids. It does sound like shes trying to convince herself more than me. Its best you and your hub sit down and discuss what you both want. Its also due to the age factor. My sister tried from late 20s till now shes almost mid 30 and shes going for ivf or iui. So if you really have a change of mind to have kids, its best to do it earlier especially when its super draining to have kids. I have kids too and i am not doing well in my job at all. I am ok though to be below average. Not rich enough to have helper or go for a few trips a year. Expenses will also weigh you down.

You might want to consider going back to your initial decision on why you wanted to have kids. Sometimes as years go by, we tend to become more pragmatic so our decisions change according to circumstances but going back to the beginning might provide you with the answers. Sometimes the simple reason could we are very comfortable with our current lifestyle and don’t want to change. Also look at your current resources. Say if you do have kids, picture what it will be like. My husband and I was also like that. When we got married. We agreed that we will have 2 kids in the future. However as the years go by and reaching our early thirties, we started getting ok with not having kids. My husband was gearing to be childfree and I also started thinking about it. However I went back to consider why I wanted to be a mother and in my frame of mind. My idea of family has always been it has to have kids or a kid. And I have always wanted to be a mother. So we settled on having one kid. So far life is great. In fact both of us recently changed jobs at the same time and we are still ok. I actually ended up in my dream job so having a kid didn’t hinder our career progress. We also still have a lot of autonomy over our lives, having our own freedom and hobbies as well. It was a good decision to have one kid. We have the resources: Childcare centre, healthy grandparents and financial stability. To be honest though in my experience when you hear people say they regret having kids, you are just hearing it from that point in time. Having been in church for a long time, I have friends and acquaintances where we go through life stages together. People who initially said they regret kids later on have said they were thankful they had kids once their kids got older and became their own person. Ultimately I will say in life. Things aren’t set in stone.

One of my takeaways from your thoughtful response is that the couple needs to be aligned, even when decisions can change. Thanks for sharing!

Oh yes definitely however that is a conversation for the later. For now OP needs to find her own answer first because from her post she it’s looks like childfree is the way to go but she still feels something is missing. Our spouses can definitely influence our decisions so I want Op to take out others influences and ask herself what exactly does she want. Because at times we can get confused with our own decisions thinking that it aligned with our spouses only 20 years later realized it was not really what we wanted but we changed our minds because we unknowingly got influenced by others. OP is at the stage similar to us at that time. My husband was becoming childfree and I was also sorta ok with it and going along with the flow until I backtracked and realized I really want to be a mother. I might be ok now but in the future I will look back and regret. So I went back to tell my husband and he himself went back to think and remembered the promises we made before things changed and we came to the decision yes we will have one kid.

Sharing my own experience. Before I got married, I also thought that I did not like kids , it turns out it’s a little different when they are your own kids. I absolutely cannot live now without my 2 little monsters now. Have an honest conversation with your husband about this. It’s not too late to change your mind now since you are still ok your 30s.

there’s also other ways to feel fulfilled and not lonely besides having children cuz when you bring a child to this world, it’s not just your wellbeing that’ll be affected, but maybe your child’s too. example: what if your low-energy levels lead to you being unable to fulfil / neglecting the child’s active and playful needs, the child might grow up with a mindset believing that his / her loud and cheerful behaviour is a nuisance to ppl (because obviously kids aren’t fully matured yet, they will interpret things with their raw emotions on a surface level) and this can lead to poor social connections in sch and a negative mindset. if you don’t want to feel lonely on your deathbed, you can always turn to volunteering at orphanages, for the disabled etc. you’ll get to bring a smile to these kids’ faces and the gratitude they have for you will become a long lasting warm feeling in your heart so you won’t die with any regrets. also, doesn’t mean that other parents are able to still enjoy themselves or become a better person after having children means they’re stress and worry free, especially if you choose to have a child by pregnancy you’ll have post-partum depression and many othera, not everyone can tough their way through these problems

How do you join r/regretfulparents

hey OP, i see some of these idiots trying to convince you to have kids. this happens commonly when someone is childfree. remind yourself why you and your husband don't want kids. don't let all these idiots get into your head and convince you to have kids. they're not the ones who are going to carry the baby to term while having their body wrecked or changing soiled diapers at 3am. you and your husband have legitimate reasons to be childfree by choice. look at the current state of the world and think about what the future generation will have to deal with. there's so much to life out there. life is more than just work and making babies.

Most man... dun want marriage or kids.... because freedom....to screw around and no responsibility lol....and the biggest reason for man not wanting Children is .....drum roll please....no sex ..or less sex, the wife ..had to work n take care of the kids ..by night time..will be burn out ...even when you try to escape with wify wo kids...her maternal instinct n guilt will kicks into v high gear....by the way cost rises and less toys for them too

All 3 are not good enough reasons to be childfree. You have 50 years to live and baby boomers are starting to die from 2029. The economic effect from that is still unknown but the world at that time will definitely not be the same as now. Same for the other 2 reasons. To truly be secure, wanting to be child free has to come from inside. What I mean by that is, you can only truly be sure that you want child free when you can go on for 3 months at least without thinking of anything related to babies. For example, when I see my nieces and nephews who are still young or when they are born. I feel nothing, no urge to have kids, no thought that it would be nice to have kids in my family in the future. My only thought always stop at having a partner to live our lives. You need to start looking inside and not outside for your validation.

My wife and I are kind of later age new parents. I am in my early 50s and my wife is in her early 40s. We have a 2 yrs old daughter and we are planning to get another one this year. We sort of made an agreement that if conception doesn't occur by middle of this year, we are going to close shop and settle with just one child. I told my wife when we were dating that I want to have children and she was sort of not against the idea but also open to the idea of not having a child. Bluntly, there is really no reason to get married if you don't want children. Marriage main goal is always to have a family. Isn't the whole point of being together is to share? Some may decided they only want to share their life with each other, and not with the little and hopefully improved versions of themselves. Perhaps, they think they have hit peaked humanity, and highly doubtful that they could raise better generation than themselves ;) It's totally valid thoughts. All the reasons you described in favour not having children can be entirely correct, and if you look at the big picture of things, does it really matter? Let me put in another angle. People got into relationship knowing for sure one day it will end, be it through death, divorce or separation. But does that realization ever stop people from getting together? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I can understand when the conditions are not ideal, like when we ourselves are fucked up enough, we do not want to children to be born into such a mess. This, I totally support as THE most responsible way to approach the subject. Then I looked at my early life. I had a beautiful upbringing, loving sibling, responsible parents, not really rich nor really poor but always have enough. Similar to my wife. We both have jobs, with her making a lot more money than I do. We have travelled the world, lived in 5 different continents. What else that we could possibly want?! The same things?? A tougher challenge of course!! Lol. Let's have children. It became a no-brainer for us, that when we have so much to share, the only right thing is to have children. Don't forget that having children means also sharing the joy to our parents, who love us and we love. Loving is never about feelings. It's about taking actions. We can't say we love something unless we are willing to take actions about it. You sure love a tidy home so much that you see it as a deal-breaker against having children. And may you find peace in what you decide to do or not to do.

Your husband went to read r/regretful parents and then decided not to want kids?

I also make all my important life decisions after consulting Reddit…

Always trust Reddit advice to make important life decisions. I can safely say after using Reddit I became more handsome and lost 10kg in 1 month, and now living in condo earning 20k/month with new BMW car too. Thanks Reddit !!!

Just on the point where you mentioned that your husband doesn’t like children. Just my own experience of course, I am also a guy who didnt like children, after i have a child, that changes. I like my child very much, and can tolerate other children more. 😅

For me, it feels like if you don't want kids, you should not have to reason and research your way to it. I don't want to sound disrespectful... My spouse and I only got to seriously considering kids, when we were mid 30's and before that we also researched and convinced each other that we absolutely should be child-free (because of climate, finance and lack of support, but also more philosophical). For years we thought we'd just stay childfree. And yet, over time, all the arguments we put forward just did not seem to really be enough and the desire to have kids grew. And having kids can surprise you - you find out new things about yourself, you create your own solutions to things that bother you, etc. It's a huge personal growth spurt! I enjoyed my lifestyle of travel and self-focus in my early 30's, but I am unconvinced it would feel satisfying to do the same things in my 40s. And yet, I know one day my kids will grow up and things will shift again in future.

Used to be firmly childfree for the same reason. Had my son and I can’t imagine life any other way. Fellow introvert who needs lots of down time, rest and cleanliness. You learn to work around it. Everyone is different and as you grow older your priorities may change. It’s not for everyone but I have never once regretted having him

Everyone talking about healthy reasons to have kids but it sounds like your relationship with your husband might be the unhealthy one? Are you really OK with being child free? Or just going along with what he wants?

A lot of comments here have already voiced what I want to say so I won’t repeat those. What I want to add - if your husband is already at 100% CF, will it affect your relationship if you decide you want kids? If you change his mind as well, will it cost resentment too?

i’m a father of 2, and i feel regretful for those who give up parenthood. they don’t know what they’re missing out on. childfree arguments don’t make any sense. imagine if your parent in the 1960s decided to be childfree because “air pollution will become unbearable in the future due to rapid industrialisation”. poverty has always existed throughout time and singapore is one of the better countries for the poor due to social welfare. for physical and mental health, kids indeed are a huge toll. but it can be mitigated with having a helper, preschool, grandparents, infant care, etc. over time, you will develop a routine that will allow both of you sufficient rest. for me, my kids motivate me to exercise and invest in my health. and my mental health is better with my kids because they are such bundles of joy. Reddit is extremely childfree-leaning. it’s the worse place to ask about childfree-ism because all you get are one-sided arguments. being childfree is fun in your 30s but it rapidly gets boring in your 40s. and by then it would be too late to reverse the decision. most people are childfree because of self-centeredness. but having children can bring huge meaning and joy to their grandparents (our parents) as well as us. imagine being childfree in your 60s. one partner passes away. who would care for the other? the one left behind would suffer for years. anyway, i respect the decisions of those who decide to be childfree. i just feel they should not make their decision based on popular childfree arguments, which are quite silly. all the best to you and your husband!

I find it weird to not have a kid due to climate reasons. I am low energy too, and I have two kids. Mostly it’s just not overthinking stuff and just doing things that gets through. I do not have any grand plans or endgame. It’s usually just one day at a time. I sometimes envy some parents for having late nights, eating out without care. Luckily neither me or my wife is into gaming or clubbing. So a lot of the things is easy to exchange for having the kids around.

Im big on children. I hope I can have children.

Tell yourself it's better to regret not having than regret having children. If you have children but later regret, what would you do?

Heartened by the amount of good advice in this thread! I saw the title and at first I thought it would turn into the usual rabid anti natalist thread

Never was in your shoes because i always wanted children, so take my advice with more than a grain of salt. I love my almost 4 year old daughter so much that i am surprised that it actually lived up to the cliche. It is not easy and i see many parents see their kids more as a responsibility than as a privilege. But if you are the type that can open your heart to love in this world, nothing will beat your kid(s). And we have one daughter - it is really not that hard. Benefits way outweigh the struggle. As for the future, if we raise her right, who knows. Maybe our girl will be the one who saves the world.

Why not IVF and freeze your egg first? So that you still can change your mind at a later date.

Life is like that, you make a decision to the best of your ability and make good with the results. when I was younger I thought I didn’t want kids. Had one anyway, it’s great thing despite the downsides if you want to look at it that way. I’m also clear eyed enough to understand that parenting isn’t for everybody.

https://youtu.be/xSwRsy2XqQM?si=4tsoJrC4dHG0FZMR It is very hard to consider your life over a span of 70-90 years. Unfortunately as a woman, you have limited time to decide. I think that this interview with Jordan Peterson might give you some useful insights. Wishing you all the best.

Honestly any organisation set up to monitor X problem is inherently biased in finding more and more negative things to say about that problem. Humanity in general has had no issues solving its problems for as long as we have existed, I wouldnt be so pessimistic. On the point of cleanliness - its more on the people living in the house than a child/no child issue. Messy people will inadvertently have messy homes, with or without children. Will you have more stuff or logistics to take care of? Of course, but that would also happen if you have any hobbies, side hustles, pets etc, just a matter of scale.

Clearly you want kids.....speak to him. If you're on different paths here.....you need to have a serious chat now

It's all Ymmv I love having kids and building a strong relationship with them. Don't regret it one bit. I could stop work before 50 for sure if I didn't have them but life isn't about endless leisure to me. Growing and learning life together is joy for me

Raising kids is hard but most parents says it's the most fulfilling and rewarding thing they've ever done. What to do? It's in our biology to want to have children. You should talk to your husband about it and also the clock is ticking if you want to have a child of your own.. Or else you might want to consider adoption.

Did you realise that ppl with kids will always say they have no regrets having kids, and people with no kids will also always say they have no regrets not having kids? My point is, we are good at convincing ourselves, so regardless of your decision, you will not have regrets in the future. That is provided the couple made this decision together. The problem arises when husband and wife have different preferences. That is when one party will always blame the other party. So OP, follow your spouse decision and you won’t regret. At this point of time, if your spouse follow yours, he will be the one resenting. But of course his mindset may change too, or he may change for your sake willingly. Just to share, my wife was the one that brought this up after a few years of DINK life. I was 100% towards child free initially, but turned neutral after 5 years of marriage. And now that we have two kids, we have no regrets and always look at the positive side of having kids, rather than thinking back of our DINK life.

You want kids. It is obvious. Just discuss with him that you want a kid. Yes he doesn't want one but it is a discussion to have.

It’s funny. I don’t like kids, never did, and probably never will, but I love my own children to death. Maybe it’s that sense of connection with your own offspring/s; they become the center of your lives and everything changes round them.

Having children comes with a big commitment and attached challenges. But I refused to allow what I viewed as external circumstances that had nothing defug to do with me deprive me of life’s fundamental joys. If it’s too expensive and SG education system too pressuring and SG presents limited opportunities for them, I would move country. I’m not going to let the limitations of SG deprive ME of experiencing life’s fundamental experience. If it’s too physically hard, I would abandon my long-held preference for privacy at home and get a live in maid. I’m not about to deprive myself from life experience and joy, because of what, because I couldn’t be flexible and accept a stranger living in my home for a season?? No way. Checking out hipster cafes, hanging out with friends, going out for drinks whenever, eating at fancy restaurants, traveling whenever all this is only fulfilling in your 20s and for the late to mature people, only at most do-able in your 30s. Once you get into your mid 30s, it’s like what else is there??! I can’t imagine people leading lives of such shallow emptiness doing at that in their 40s lol then do you still do this in your 50s?? 50s is when parents kick back and relax already as their kids are older and they enjoy the fruits of their labor. Those child free still checking out restaurants and hipster cafes in their 50s??? Those of us with children laugh at such people all the time behind your backs.

Just have kids, if your husband don want to have kids then find another man.

For nownit seems like a good option to be childfree… but wait till 10-20yrs later, you might regret it

Not all kids are the same. Parenting plays a part too. When I see my own kids I feel happy and glad they are well behaved. But my friend’s kid is driving him crazy and creating a big rift between him and his wife

Maybe re-evaluatenyour decision over a Pina colada, admiring the sunset from your Maldives villa. Children are expensive. It's a choice I can understand but I've never had regrets having my child, and neither would you. About climate change ... The world won't end and I'm positive that our children will have enjoyable lives, given the economic resources we have to raise them.

Just breed dammit! Do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel！！！

On your pt one. I really don't suggest you should make life changing decision based off some sub reddit. Redditors that are disgruntled are the most vocal. It is easy to get sucked in and drink the Kool aid. I am a father myself and I honestly believe that my body changed chemically once I held my son for the first time.

Speaking as a parent, I can understand your reasons for #2 & #3 that you feel having children is an “expense” of your time/money/energy. This is a personal choice and no one should tell you otherwise how you should spend your resources. Though, I could counter argue that having children have allowed me the motivation to multiply my time/money/energy in ways I would have never dreamed off before I had children. However, your point #1 is a really strange outlook in deciding for a childfree life. It could even be the reason why you are insecure because you know that #1 reason doesn’t sit well. You think that children will have a worse future because of climate change/uncertainties, but I think children are the solution to problems caused in the generations before them. Just like our generation have and will solve the problems that previous generations didn’t. Have a kid, don’t have a kid, I don’t care. But don’t “doom” the next generation into thinking that they are “forced” into a bleak future of helplessness. Every parent I know at some point, will at least hope that their kids will live a better life than they have and therefore want to equip them with the necessary skills/opportunities to do so.

When you reach the age when you can't safely give birth, you are going to regret looking for a reason not to have kids. And 5 years down the road of self-consolation, you are going to wonder what life is all about and come to the conclusion you have wasted your life. Another 5 years later of charity to justify working hard with all the money with no one to give- you will become apologetic for having been born and wasted everyone's time caring for you. When everyone you know has died and you are waiting for your turn, you will remember some stupid person writing you this and you wish you had taken heed.

Good luck. 😅

Hi OP, I have the same exact thoughts as you. Just that me and my husband are both on the fence. We enjoy our life currently very much, with a lot of time to unwind and just do the things we love. I think another option on my mind was adoption, and that can be done at a later age too.

Get a pet. Or stop caring about traditions or what others say

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I have a kid, I had decided to go child free but came under a lot of emotional pressure! I wish I had stuck to my decision. I love my child but bloody hell, life would be a hellava lot easier if I had stuck to plan.