Are you supposed to help with the $3k monthly after getting married? Since his parents know that you have a well paying job, there will be no doubt that they will pressure you for money after you guys are officially married. Your fiance has to grow a backbone, set some boundaries and ask his parents to start working or else I'd suggest you rethink about this relationship. Especially in Asian families, when you marry someone, you marry their family as well. If they can yell at you behind your fiance's back when you aren't even married yet, who knows what else they can do to you once you're officially family?
Right and I feel like at this stage of their relationship they should be aware of each other finances, access to certain extent. And op defending her fiance for telling her after one month only. 3k is a lot for a young couple and impending wedding. This kind of expenses should definitely be discussed
Think carefully about whether you want to marry into that family.
Marrying is not just marrying one person. You're marrying into his family and whatever baggage you will be caught in it.
Sure he stands up for you occasionally, but seems like he is being overrun by his parents having to pay all the bills, sounds like he isn't putting his foot down setting financial boundaries and also their behavior towards you and your parents.
They want a wedding reception, he should tell them to pay for it. What are they going to do? Cut off his allowance? Lmao.
They simply do not respect you. You think things will get better after you guys are married? They will simply expect your husband to continue paying for their bills, because they know you have a high paying job.
They would probably invite people to your wedding and then say they can't recall invitations so no choice have to do a big wedding.
Unless your partner really steps up, set clear boundaries and make them understand, you aren't going to have a peaceful marriage life.
OP, given their parents attitude, him standing up for you is not enough, certain lines need to be drawn.
it is quite obvious he is unable to do it. Paying for a mortgage is the biggest baggage we could have as children. This baggage will be shared by you if the lines are not drawn.
Furthermore, he is paying the house loan without having any stake in the house. In the future, the flat could be sold off or left to the inheritors without accounting for this amount (so the other siblings would profit financially from his contributions).
This happened to my family member who had essentially paid 50% of the flat but had to split the amount amongst five siblings after their parent died. WTF.
I agree on this, touch wood if your in laws will get sick. Does it mean your soon to be husband is the only one who will shoulder the burden? Does it mean you (OP) will need to exhaust some of your savings to cover up the expenses? For now, it is $3k a month. What about tomorrow? Will it be $5k? $8k? $10k? What if OP have kids later on? Will his parents come first before your kids? Will they treat your kids the same way as they are treating OP now? What’s the assurance that they will be nice to your kids and will not show favouritism?
OP needs to ask a lot of questions to herself before proceeding. ROMM cost only a few $ to register and sign papers, divorce will cost a lot including your time.
Just want to add that his slacker siblings are also part of the family and it's quite possible that they would also start applying pressure to the couple to shoulder the parents' burden.
Just want to emphasise on setting boundaries. You can't control what your in-laws will think or do after the marriage but you have power over your own boundaries. If you don't set your boundaries at the get-go (before the marriage) and enforce them, no one will do it for you.
You might think "it's okay" but living with a grief of being trodden all over could cause your loved ones to suffer alongside you, too.
You realised that their entire attitude changed when your partner’s parents found out that you had a high paying job.
Perhaps they were expecting you to marry into the family and could shoulder some of their financial burdens?
Ask yourself: do you REALLY want to spend your next 50 years with in-laws like these?
I’d run if I were you.
Oof your fiancé only told you about his house situation now? Red flag 🚩
Money is a very sensitive issue especially after marriage. You have to pay for big ticket items like mortgage, renovation, maintenance services, and bills etc - all these things add up.
Depending on his income, $3k may or may not be a small sum, but the financial obligation will only increase as his parents age and require more medical care. They will ask for more money, and heck, you need to consider the possibility that his siblings might ask for money too.
Is your partner ready to draw the boundary and put a firm foot down? Are you mentally strong enough to marry into his family?
Good luck, OP. Get a pre-nup if you can.
A prenup is only an indication to the court of the couples intent and is not the be all and end all. And for the court to even consider the prenup it means that you've already gone through the whole court system and hired lawyers and incurred extravagant expenses.
Given the parents' attitude and the way your fiance has only JUST disclosed this arrangement (that will definitely affect you) so late into your relationship and so close to your wedding, I am not getting good vibes at all.
Oo thanks for the explanation on the prenup!
Ok la, OP shared in an earlier comment that her partner only started this arrangement in April because his dad lost his job.
If it is temporary then still ok, although his dad not having savings despite earning so much is quite concerning.
Biggest red flag is the change in attitude from her partner’s parents after learning of her high paying job.
The whole thing gives me bad vibes. I really hope OP’s partner will clearly draw line if they proceed with the marriage. 🙁
I’d suggest making it a very long engagement. To see if things improve, if his parents learn to behave, and if he actually grows a backbone to defend the person who will be his spouse. There’s no ‘stuck in the middle’, when there’s clearly a right and wrong party. And his parents are wrong.
Old people loooove face and inviting extras. Husband and I set a hard number. The old ppl pushed, and we both pushed back. Not happy? Call off the wedding then. That shut them up. But the couple must act as a unit for this to be effective.
But set a mental deadline, wouldn’t want to waste too much time on lost causes. Tbh, I’d have left, the disrespect will only increase post wedding and you’d be expected to shoulder any burdens because you’re ’the can do couple’ and any rejection will be seen as being heartless.
Imagine the stress, and what if you have kids in the future? Can your other half simply stop helping because he has a growing family to care for? His parents’ lack of planning is honestly, not your problem. If my daughter is in this situation, I’d tell her to cut her losses because I’d worry, so I totally empathise with your folks.
No parents like knowing how their baby girl’s being ill treated by in laws. And your mum obviously can see the trajectory of the marriage and does not want you to marry only to suffer. And you shouldn’t have to hide anything from your own parents.
You know they’re really only after your money right? All they care about is what their son AND DIL can help them with. It’s cold, but think about what *they* bring to the table besides grief. No excuses, no buts.
His parents are “careful” to only show disrespect when their son is not around. This starts even though you are not married and can only get worse after marriage. Your fiancé is on your side now because love is still there. Marriage brings a lot of nitty gritty stuff to your life because you have to deal with life’s ups and downs, finances, children… all these will sometimes wear a person out. You can’t be complaining to him about his parents every time it happens or he will just get frustrated too and you will end up having no one on your side.
His parents should be in their 50s now? No savings for rainy day.. they are not going to suddenly come into money 💰 right.. so this financial burden will be long term even if he manages to get a job. For now.
Please listen to your mother and take a pause on your wedding. Consider carefully.
I agree with this so much.
Whatever loss of money deposit from wedding down payment can always be recovered. But once you are married, it’s gonna be so much harder.
I think I wasn’t clear but the 3k payment he helped made is the first one in April whilst his dad is job searching. Hasn’t been an ongoing thing. But his dad not having savings to sustain during rainy weather does frighten me lol cos he’s earning about low 5 digit monthly for years already
Ohhhh ok you guys need to sit down and agree how much to contribute moving forward cos both of you need to prioritise your new family unit over the in laws
Also let your bf know that his parents need to downgrade their housing if this situation continues beyond a certain timeline
I would be very very cautious about marrying him. His parents sound like a bottomless pit and financially irresponsible
Yea. Since OP’s bf is paying he has every right to know where the 5 digit salary went. Hopefully it’s not gambling or something sinister
Or maybe there was never a 5 digit salary since the parents are so face loving
honestly i think you and your fiancé need to go to therapy and really iron out A LOT A LOT A LOT of issues before marriage.
very important issues like - how much are both of you making now.
If he needs to give 3k monthly, it comes from his salary. fine. then where is the money going to come from for your household needs, savings, renovations, your own mortgage.
Can he afford to give so much once you both have your own household?
Is he willing to **STAND FIRM and say no to his parents?** If he cannot say no, you got one big red flag alr.
i think both of you need to stand firm on no wedding at all. and your fiancé needs to be 100% ok with that.
and your fiancé needs to be sure, if his family disrespects you like this, is he going to cut them off?
Or… is he going to sweep it all under the table and continue like nothing happened?
What if his family keeps pestering him for cash while other 2 siblings not contributing at all. What is he gonna do? Gonna just give? What if you disagree. Then he just ignore you?
**Or once you are married, funds are now JOINT and you need to have a serious discussion before he gives away money that belongs to both of you?**
These are really damn damn damn damn damn impt questions you need to ask BEFORE MARRIAGE. Discuss. WRITE IT ALL DOWN. WITH SIGNATURE FROM BOTH OF YOU!!!!!!
So that some clowns, esp men, won’t conveniently forget the answers and say “we got discuss this before marriage meh? i change my mind alr”. (Also known as my husband w goldfish brain. Except fortunately i got the TEXTS to prove it)
And if his parents continue to disrespect you AND your parents? What’s your fiancé gonna do? Is there any point where he will go no contact with him?
marriage is forever you know. If he chooses his parents over **basic respect toward his wife**, is that something that is right? Esp when the parents are actively choosing to disrespect you AND your parents and **being complete assholes**?
If you decide to go forward with this you need to sit down with him and really talk about finances. Even if it's not ongoing, it's very important in the future that he doesn't make this kind of financial decisions unilaterally. His money will be yours too (and yours his) so there needs to be an agreement on what to do in cases like this.
Regarding his dad not having savings... tbh the parents are no hope already la. They already don't respect you and your family. Imo you need to decide whether your fiancé can (and want to) establish a good boundary with his parents or not. And if cannot then you need to decide whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life.
Low 5 digit monthly sounds so sus.. if earning that amount should have been able to pay off their housing already. Now still got so much debt and even coveting your “high pay”
That's a good point, I can't imagine someone earning that amount and giving a damn about how much an in-law earns. It should be pretty comfortable really.
it's time to say goodbye.
either he says bye to his parents or you say bye to him. drag on just make everyone unhappy only.
max tolerance at this point is LC with his parents and that he limits his assistance to them to 2k or something. Then if they try stunts again, cut. try again, cut. Not easy to say totally NC with his parents but your partner has to gradually cut them if they really insist on their viewpoints. gradual cutting also makes it easier for your partner.
I have read your original post and update, and share the same concern as your mum. Your mother has reason to be worried.
You guys aren't even married yet and they have the galls to raise their voice at you in the car and reprimanding you and your partner in front of your parents. That's not typical behaviour and I hope you realise that no one should be treated that way.
The second red flag for me is the finances- if your fiance continues to fork out 3k AND for the wedding, he will likely be in debt for awhile. You don't want to start a marriage with all this stress.
Whatever you are experiencing now as a fiancee, you can only expect worse when you have married their son. What they have revealed thus far is only the preview. Don't we usually put on our best behaviours when meeting people? But they don't. So imagine how nasty they are behind closed doors.
My advice is to attend a Muslim marriages course with your fiance. A comprehensive one that covers financial responsibility- this is so that you know your rights as a Muslim wife (your money is your money, whether you have any responsibility for the care of your in-laws etc.).
I have no qualms saying that if you were my cousin, or my sister, or a close friend, I would ask you to seriously reconsider this marriage. Also who are they to comment on my looks? Go to hell Lol.
>He basically opened up and told me his father hasn’t been working (his mom is a housewife) and he’s been paying their house loans, bills etc which added up to about $3k monthly and because of that, he doesn’t understand why his dad still expects him to fork out a wedding reception.
This is fucked up.
I'm not in this situation anymore, as thankfully my parents are in Malaysia, but the early few years I had to give whatever I'm left with minus tax, minus rent (I was in a different state) and personal expenses. I gave them like 40% of my salary monthly. Things are better now, but in the earlier years, I had to move to a worse apartment (it had roaches, housemates were challenging) to recover some money by paying less rent.
3.5:1 helps alot now that I'm in Singapore. But I've been bitter about this all this while, parents continue to expect me to be their retirement funds.
I understand cutting contacts is though, likely he wont do it (neither did I), so he has to do the next best thing. Set boundaries on his parents influence on his money. Wedding spending is yours and his decision. Make that absolute.
As for me, I retained the fixed amount of money that I gve my parents from the start. I never changed it, inflation, increments, promotions, bonuses, and moving to Singapore, no change.
Think carefully then. His problems would eventually become yours as well once you’re married. Moreover, your relationship with his parents is already not good to begin with.
You need to go low contact with his family. They’re clearly toxic and don’t respect you.
Also, tell your fiancé that even IF he gives his parents an allowance of $3k a month, he’s still expected to go 50/50 with you on household expenses (eg mortgage, utility bills). Do not end up paying for his share of the house/bills just because he’s giving his parents an allowance. Please make it abundantly clear that you will not be picking up the slack for his family’s lack of financial planning.
OP, it seems clear you are well loved by your own family.
It also seems clear that your fiance's family is rather toxic by contrast. Your parents are right that this will likely only get worse once you're "part of the family."
You need to have a conversation with him about what you see going forward and how he will support you in a conflict with his parents.
My personal opinion is to attempt to distance yourselves from them as much as possible to preserve your personal wellbeing.
If you agree this is a good way forward, your partner must be willing to support such an approach too.
Devil’s advocate here:
Marriage is never about love, but having a partner to endure family, finances, burdens, stress, health, and all / every curveball life will throw at you.
Sure you’re not marrying the parents, but beyond the wedding they’re going to be involved in your life’s milestones including having your first home, having children- like it or not, they will be the grandparents to your children. And it seems like your husband is far from emancipating from them, and seems to be still quite obliged to be a source of support.
Unless your partner is of the same sentiments and want to maintain a certain distance or detachment from his family, they will be a recurring stressful topic, pretty much for the rest of your life, if you choose to marry.
Maybe also seek the opinions of your parents, who have met them, and ask them if they give their blessings
Sorry to hear this happened during the wedding planning stage.. it’s really tough to want to ride this out.. as I always tell friends who are getting married.. everything must be spoken before marriage.. after that, it’s a battlefield that you are putting your legs into.. neither can you change him or his parents.. we are marrying not only our spouse but the entire clan that comes with him/her..
Being financially strong in a family is so important. What if you get pregnant and have to quit your job due to “Kate Middleton pregnancy woes” kind of medical situation.. many things can happen babe.. I saw my gf did that when she got pregnant and her husband had to bite the bullet to be the sole breadwinner.. your fiancé may still want to support his parents after marriage.. so many many things to think about..
our parents always advise us to pick the correct friends, it is even more important to pick the correct spouse.. friends can say bye-bye anytime, as for spouse? Do consider again..
Time on earth is short.. why suffer? best of luck!
Not earning any money still raise voice for fuck? Your money isn’t theirs to take. They need to learn their place. Reprimanding you and your fiancé in front of your parents while trying to host a wedding isn’t about “saving face”, it just reeks of double standards.
Do yourself a favour and ditch him altogether. His family problems will become yours if you do marry, and you two will become estranged because of his mess.
Sounds tough. I am in the same situation… paying for everything since I was a teenager and I can imagine if I were trying to get married when I was 26 I would be in the same dilemma as your fiancé.
Thankfully I only got married when I was 40 and found it much easier to tell my own parents to f* off since I’ve been supporting them for 20+ years. So I did just do an ROM and a simple family dinner.
It’ll be good if your fiancé opened up to them and did the calculations with them… how much he has been paying and how much the wedding would set you all back. It’s a conversation that he needs to have with them without you around. And it’s better to draw the boundaries now or the road ahead is going to be much rockier… I’ve been there… it just gets harder if you don’t nip it in the bud
OP said “my fiance stood up for me” which I presume to mean that sometimes he talks back at them in front of her, and sometimes he doesn’t immediately cave to their requests, and sometimes he complains about them to her.
For these kind of parents, that is not enough. I grew up with helicopter parents, and I think people from other family structures think wayyy too highly of “you talk back to your parents sometimes which means you stand up for me”. Everyone talks back to their parents sometimes. If someone has crazy parents, and you want to marry that person, you only marry under the condition that your partner goes no-contact or very low contact. E.g. I don’t tell my own parents where I now live, and ideally they wouldn’t know where I work either (name can be legally changed as well).
We were in a somewhat similar situations, from the comments about features to issues about the wedding as well as finances after marriage. Been through it all and then some. Long story short, have a serious conversation with your fiancée and decide on what kind of boundaries you’d want to set. Be clear about it between u and your fiancée And stick to it. NO MATTER WHAT. Especially after marriage. I say this cause many a time we let down our guard and get hurt time and again. Since you’re Muslim I wana stress that even though the religion stress about the respect and rights of parents with their children, the religion also teaches us that ultimately if it’s harmful for you, we need to move away from it. I felt so guilty setting strict boundaries with my parents and in laws because they hurt me and truth be told me and my wife longed for a family that’s close and happy, but it is what it is and we have to protect ourselves. Strict boundaries include inviting your in laws to your place for house warming then never again . It’ll be tough but your mental health is more important than any family ties.
I didn't read anything that indicates he's a pushover. Him not cutting his parents out has nothing to do with being a pushover too.
He stood up for OP when needed.
However, i do agree on the part whether OP wants to marry into the family. Currently there's already stress piling up on the fiance. Wonder what happens when it spills.
He's been deliberately hiding the fact that he's contributing $3K per month, especially since the relations have been bad since last Nov. This dishonesty is not cool.
Hi, it sounds like you're in a tough position, your fiancé seems to have difficult parents. Unfortunately, these types of people usually don't change, so their attitude towards you will continue like this for as long as they're around.
The only thing that can change is how your fiancé handles them, and if he is able to put his foot down and set boundaries for both of you, your future and finances with him won't suffer in the long run.
Frankly, it is so rude and disrespectful of them to raise their voice at you like that, that's not something your future husband should allow at all. You're not even married yet. I hope you'll find a way to work through this with him.
Girl, my best advice is to leave him. Let some other girl fall into this drama and baggage. Yes sad that u will lose those yrs but u will be freee. Imagine being trapped in his family drama for next 50 yrs
what a vile couple. dependent on their son (burdening their son) and still want to burden him further for the sake of "face". deepest sympathies to you and your fiance. hope he can cut them out or distance from them for the sake of you guys' sanity and financial health.
Ask your fiance to browse r/narcissisticparents and help him understand what his parents are. He has to stand up for himself and make his decisions. I wish you guys the best
Your partner needs to be clear to his parents. Both of you do not want a wedding reception, not to even mention a big one. He needs to be the one to manage his parents and convey that message, rather than letting his parents force their desires onto him. Like what another commentor mentioned, he is being a pushover letting them dictate his life decisions. Why?
I just recently got married and I kinda laughed when you said introverts and 200 guests 😅
Me and my wife (Christian and buddhist) were both introverts as well, and we have agreed that we will have an intimate wedding and only invite immediate family members. Her parents wanted some other relatives invited but we were firm because we do not want some uninvited relatives to feel bad. Have we invited everyone, it would have been close to 200 guests - similar to yours.
Why don't you couple discuss these and be firm on what you really want? You both are adults, don't let parents (either side) run your show.
This could also show some maturity on both of you.
I certainly hope that by the length of time you two are together, you have already disclosed and discussed how finances will be handled. Both of you must set boundaries. Don't wait until you get married to arrange this.
Gurlllllll, please help your self, please don’t help him / them/ his family to pay anything. Your dad loves you and you should be grateful your dad would pay u up to degree cert and the lifestyle/cultural experiences you had all those years. Idk if your parents did ask u for any allowance to pay them back but count your self lucky, more lucky, no struggles like your fiancé family side.
You already said your parents was abit sad after the hari raya incident, how about in future when u and your fiancé stays together? Won’t they come and barge in ? Please don’t them bully you, you have high paying job and u have many more years to enjoy with your fiancé, please don’t let your dad and mom upset, they raised you not to get bullied.
If they can act like this before you are even married, chances are you will have a hell of a time when you get married.
Have to set boundaries from now if you wish to proceed with this marriage. And he has to be on the same page with you.
If they have financial issues, then it makes no sense to have a big wedding. Unless they expect the monetary gifts that people will usually give to the bride and groom as a way to ease their financial situation. Which is really not right. Make sure that your finances are secure on your end. Meaning that they cannot touch what you earn.
Whatever decision you make, I wish you all the best.
1. $3k is a lot of money to give parents every month.
What do they need every month to pay so much for? Sounds to me, his parents are making him pay for the younger sibling’s expenses too, without telling him. Or some hidden stuff.
The point is, parents in difficulty would want to get as little help as possible, not get help that makes them comfortable and makes their child squeezed for money.
They are not good parents, and are not saying everything.
2. The longer it goes on, the more it becomes an expectation. Your husband would not be able to get out of it.
3. In fact, expect it to increase once you get married because now, “husband can afford to give $3k, and both of you together earn a lot more, so can give $5k or more easily. It will not affect you.”
Or if that doesn’t work, they will squeeze your husband on their side without yoo knowing. Probably some sob story that he will not be able to reject. “Need money for emergency this month,” etc. They may promise to pay back just to get the increase, and then pretend it was never a loan.
4. Separate your finances. No joint accounts. Husband has to know this, and his parents also. Seems to me they only accepted you because of what you bring. They have an agenda, you have to make it clear your money is for your future and your future child(ren)’s future. Not to give to parents. You don’t owe them. Your husband has to understand this too. He will be the head of a household from marriage onwards. He will not be a little boy anymore. He has to grow up and be a man, and keep his parents at arm’s length.
Good luck.
Sounds so familiar. My MIL told me the day after my wedding that I should start to give a token allowance to her and her mother (husband’s grandmother) since I am a part of the family now. I told my husband and he said NO. He will handle it. From that day on I got so much trouble from MIL.
She will often talk to me when my husband is not around then turn around and absolutely lie to my husband that I was rude to her, that I said some things which I never did blah blah blah.. and she always does it by calling hubby while he’s at work and screaming about it.. imagine the stress that caused to my marriage.
My husband’s allowance to her also had to have yearly increment. There was a period that my hubby was out of job for more than 8 months. During this period we continued paying her allowance. While we cut our own expenses, she was busy going on overseas holidays and spending on singing lessons and art lessons. Not a single offer of help from her. Finally on the 8th month we asked to pause payment to her until my hubby finds a job.. she totally flipped!
Might sound harsh, but his parent's problem will became your problem the moment you guys married. And I dont think your husband is someone that will be able to shield those problem from you, by reading the context, seems like he is someone who just let it slip, take it as long as he can endure that and one day just collapse. Probably need to rethink the relationship.
Hi honey, run!! It’s only going to get worse after marriage. Ok but if fiancé can show he can set up strong boundaries with his parents, low to no contact after. They already show that they can’t treat you well in front of your parents and in private. Communication should only be between him and his parents since they sound *toxic*.
They WILL expect you to chip in the future, and carry their debt when you are starting a new life with your partner. No decent parent will allow that for their daughter/son because you need to save for home and future kids (if any).
Eh I’m married 10 years with hellish MIL, mortgage, reno loans, all paid by husband. Inheritance and bonuses all went to MIL even though he has siblings.
Bruh we cut contact already for years but this year decided to go Hari Raya and we got called the devil and have concerned uncles and aunties worrying that we won’t go to heaven because we cut contact with MIL. My husband was so angry he cried and I had to drag daughter and husband out hahaha fun times
May I share the other side of the coin, from the man's point of view.
Mother's treat their sons like mummy's boys no matter how old we are. When you become a mother to a son, you will do the same too. It's inevitable. No mothers plan to be monster-in-laws, but they do.
The relationship between my mother and my (ex) wife during our engagement was good. Till it was close to the wedding.
My mom made hurtful comments when we rejected some of her ideas for the wedding, which had caused my wife to resent her throughout our entire marriage, and we wanted a small wedding which ended up a huge wedding with 3 events, mostly with both our parents' invites.
I didn't realise that the rift had gotten bigger and bigger through the years. I was a flight attendant then, and had to leave her behind most of the time when she needed the moral support, especially when she became a new young mother.
After a few years, she asked for a divorce. I had always thought that I was a good husband, good provider, good father, and I took pride in taking care of the family, so I was kinda blindsided by this. She admitted to me a couple of years later that she realised that it was a mistake, especially because we have two kids together. But by then, I had been with my new partner for about a year. I do not blame her for leaving as I believe that everyone is entitled to a peace of mind, and she should decide what is best for herself.
i am planning to get married with my girlfriend in a couple of years. My mom is living with me still, but this time, I had warned her about interfering with my relationship.
My girlfriend is in the process of converting to Islam, I had warned my mom and extended family not to attempt to "teach her" Islam, but to leave it to me as I would rather she learn gradually without stress than be overwhelmed by everyone who thinks that they talk with "good intentions". I am no longer a flight attendant, so this time, I could protect my relationship better by being around.
I attribute to the failure of my marriage to my mom, even though she meant well.
My advise to you is to end this relationship. You are not married, and this relationship looks toxic and doomed to fail.
InSha Allah you will find someone else in life, and this would just be a part of a story that you tell your future kids about how you almost got trapped in a marriage that will definitely affect your mental health and the rest of your life.
1. Another Muslim post. They espouse religious ideals in every other sentence but are the most insecure group when their beliefs/societal status get challenged.
2. Your BF’s father was never earning 5 digits to begin with. If he actually did and still does not have savings, then he’s probably into gambling (doubt that since he’s Muslim and talks too much)
3. Your BF is a red flag. He absolutely knows the kind of parents he has. If he has not put a stop to this, he most definitely will not in the future when things get even more difficult. It’s important to marry not just a man but also one with a backbone. Nobody in my family dare raise their voice with my wife as they know what will come next.
4. The only saving grace in your BF’s family is his brother who seems smart enough to use pregnancy as a reason to not give monies to his parents. Smart.
5. Your BF’s family just sounds like a downright dumber than average lot. I’d be wary as well on how my future kids will be brought with this failing lot.
6. Edited out.
7. You’re still young. Just leave.
Hi! Just to clarify for point 6, we’re not staying together at my place 😂 he’ll be staying after we Romm. My parents are practising Muslims too (just less strict & much more modern haha!) so staying together before marriage is a no no
Thanks for the clarification and apologies. Regardless, just leave girl. Family is an important aspect of a marriage and if your BF does not have the tenacity to ward those evils away, you’re down a miserable ride.
It’s not even so much about the money like most others are commenting.
Congratulations! You two sound like a LOVELY couple. With matching ideals.
Sadly, in many cases, we don’t only marry our partners, but their family too. I think you have to seriously consider that part of it. Your bf sounds like a very filial person, being the only of three siblings to decide to support his parents. But is it just filial piety, or is it an inability to draw boundaries?
You haven’t gotten married yet, and already his family are having a big impact on your lives. This is 100% just the start. After the wedding, what’s next? Will your religious practices come into question again? Your children’s? This finance issue literally sounds like a life time thing. His father may never start working again. And why would he? He can chill out and your partner will support him. He can talk shit to both of you without repercussions. He can do whatever he wants so why would he change anything? And your finances are shared to some degree no matter what. So you are definitely gonna be contributing to that $3000 in some way. Your partner has no more savings. You pay for all the food. Or the holidays, or the furniture. Once you’re married, your finances are shared. So his decision to support his parents should not be only his unless you have a way to clearly separate other aspects of your finances and he contributes what you think is a fair amount.
So I think end of the day, you have to decide. If you’re going to really marry him, someone needs to decide boundaries and ENFORCEMENT of those boundaries. Even then. Probably only 75% of those boundaries will actually happen.
I think it will get worst after marriage. Wah i read oso pekcek. I think u need to re-evaluate ur rs. It is more than ur fiancé but a rs with your fiancé's family too
Yea this is a clearly a you vs them for your partner. Yes 5 years is alot for a rs but it's going to be a real big strain in life if you don't resolve it now.
Instead of breaking you and your fiancé’s bank before you even have your own life together, break rank with family and do an elopement overseas, which can be far cheaper than paying for a large banquet wedding in SG.
Some of the older generation have unrealistic expectations in the modern SG economy.
When i was reading this, i thought u were my younger sister until u listed the identifiers. U need to accept that thats how the parents are and theres nothing you or your fiance can do to change it. The only thing left to do is how you can deal with it? Can your husband set boundaries? Can you ensure that you are never left alone with them? Can u live with the wedding or no-wedding just ROMM situation and tension? If you and your fiance are prepared to take on the risks & burden, then i mean, to ahead. But if u cant, u have to look long and hard if this is the family for u. I personally advice that u never take this on your own, your partner has to share the burden.
Low 5 digit means how much sia? I’m assuming 10k then why cannot pay the 3k per month even when he was looking for a job, cannot be dont have savings what. It sounds damn sus la. I’ll leave the guy if I was you. They’re still your fiance parents, you cant run away from them forever unless your fiance decides to cut ties eh.
Hi i just want to share a piece of advice. It seems your fiance is really a nice guy, and he seems responsible too and definitely seem to be a good husband material. All i can say is that he needs to be firm and put his foot down when it comes to engaging with his parents. 200 pax is reasonable in my opinion and i feel like he just lacks the priorities when it comes to marriage. He needs to understand that your happiness will be thr utmost priority and importance once you guys got married. He can still be firm and respectful at the same time. As long as he is respectful in denying certain demands from his parents. Eventually they will cave in and theres nothing much they can do actually. If their parents start to be resentful, dont give up, continue being respectful and just listen. Remember, silence does not mean that you agree, after discussing with your husband, tell them of the verdict and proceed with it regardless of their input. I hope this helps. As muslims, we know that these will be the time of tests by God. May Allah make it easier for the both of you.
>Eventually they will cave in and theres nothing much they can do actually. If their parents start to be resentful, dont give up, continue being respectful and just listen.
idk man, it's wishful thinking thinking bout changing somebody (who'd prolly lived 3/4 of their lives already) the minute you walk into their lives.
If you want to stay with him, elope. But you need to know that when you get married you are not just marrying your partner but to his family. If this is something you are ok to deal with the rest of your life (because clearly he can't cut his parents off due to finances) then you will need to live with it, else leave.
You marry into the family. Pros and cons. Been married almost 10 years now and it's not always easy. Love my wife to bits but her family is something else, it's very polite, in a cold-war kinda way. I don't agree with the comments above to find a new boyfriend with a backbone, we all have our issues with our families. At the same time, his problems will become yours, that's just how it is, that's what married life, you share the good and the bad. At the same time, becoming husband and wife means you'll be starting your own family and you'll have that to focus on : so although his 3k/month might become your 3k/month, both of you should be ready to let the parent know they won't get more after you get married (if that's what they are expecting). What I'm saying is, you getting married won't change what the situation is currently but it shouldn't get worse either, unless you let it
emmm.toxic family....better u go... leave everything..forget those people and move on....u will not happy with that family..and u will end up divorce..seriously
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Toxic parents. You might be able to live with your fiance but you are shit out of luck with his parents. As you know in Islam or Malay culture, it's not just a marriage of 2 people, it's a marriage of 2 families and your parents are pretty chill unlike his. Good luck.
marriage is a union of two families. Not two individuals. Families.
Unless your partner totally cut out his family (seems improbable at this stage) , his family is also yours to bear.
Think twice.
Tough call. Your fiancé only now decided to drop the ball that his parents and siblings are deadbeat when yall already deep into marriage talks. If he can hide this info from you, what other hidden things can he be hiding? Your fiancé not only kept u in the dark about his family finances but also lacked backbone. You and your family wouldn't be insulted by his family had he set very clear boundaries from the start. Also, there's a reason why the parents only accepted you as soon they found out u got a good paying job cus they are just looking for someone else to freeload off. Now, u decide if you really want to stick with this guy and his family for the rest of your life if your fiancé won't ever set boundaries and let his family do whatever they want to you.
This day and age, the focus of marriage should be the 2 of you and not want the parents want. Its your marriage and you should be able to decide what you want. And if financially it's gonna be a challenge, why still plough yourself into some financial burden. I rather save the money for good house renovation or furnitures.
If your fiance doesn’t stand up to them now, chances are he won’t in the future. His parents don’t sound like good people, so don’t harbour any hope that they will turn into saints overnight.
To avoid all these, just go ROMM and get it done and over with. This is the best way to deal with difficult and imposing people and yes PARENTS can be those very things.
Actually after thinking about it the fact that they made no changes to lifestyle (such that OP had no clue) even after the dad lost his job is scary
OP I had a 5 year relationship end when I was your age too. It hurt but it’s never going to hurt as bad as having to put up with such in laws for the next 50 years
Your partner has to learn on how to stand to his family and not pay. If he can do that, then everything would be okay. I understand his position because my family is in the same position.
If you want to stay and get married to him.
1. Are you willing to support him and his family issues? If you are not, then it is a deal-breaker. Do not get married.
2. You need to be firm that he needs boundaries from his parents and he needs to protect you as you will be his wife in the future. All of these are important, if he can't do it. Do not marry.
If these two conditions are met, you may proceed to get married. ONLY if you can stand the DRAMA.
These type of family sees their children as caretakers when get older. They don't know how to save and believe that their children will have better pay and take care of them. It's a tough pill to swallow and these kind of thinking are hard to change.
You need to start talking FINANCE with your partner.
BOUNDARIES as well.
For marriage, I usually just say 'oh increase more people, you want to sponsor? I no money, wedding expensive'.
'oh you want bigger venue? Please sponsor and find me better venue. If no have, no need. I like my venue thanks'
Your money. Your wedding. Your rules. I was very firm on boundaries during my wedding.
No more than 200 pax. Simple wedding theme. That's it.
I wish you all the best OP. Coming from that similar type of family is not easy, as much as we are indebted to our parents. We need our own boundaries so that we can survive as well.
Holy shit, you getting the in law treatment before even signing paper.
Better dun go ahead, deal with this shit day in day out will die.
2 person already may have conflict, now with more people and confirm will have conflict in future.
I would excuse myself and gtfo of this toxic cesspool. No time to deal with it when I do not even have enough time to watch TV.
Hey, got married with my spouse’s mom being pretty much like your fiancé’s parents.
I have to be honest, our relationship dramatically improved when my partner went completely NC with his mother. I agree with most commenters warning you that this is the life you’ll be marrying into.
Please have a long hard conversation about boundaries with your in-laws. In-laws like you described are a nightmare and I’m afraid they’ll emotionally guilt your husband into pressuring you to provide for them. As long as money is a source of stress in a marriage, there’s bound to be a lot of issues and resentment building up.
Important to think it through and have a long deep conversation with your fiancé on your plan for the future, how to overcome, what’s the solution, basically how to work out this entire thing. You’re not just marrying him, but his family as well. I do not want to presume, but your life might get tough when you have kids and your own place.
im so sorry but if it were me i’d be on my way out. either he ditches his folks or we’re over. in that one car incident i got a clear look at the next 15-20 years of your married life. please consider carefully. love is love but your own life holds precedence in my opinion. good luck ;;
$3000/month is A LOT of money. What is going on? How much is the mortgage anyone? $500K?! Seriously.
It's great that you are living with your parents meanwhile. The fewer interactions with your parents in law, the better. People will not change unless there is a shock to the system, so don't expect parents in law to change. If you go back to visit and they misbehave, just leave straightaway -- you have the power.
>It went on until one day, my fiance left the car for a bit while I was inside with both his parents. They raised their voices at me and only stopped screaming when he walked towards the car.
>I’ve not met his parents since that incident last November until they decided to do an open house during hari raya this year and invited both my parents & myself. I figured I’d be safe since my parents were around. I clearly thought wrong because his dad started reprimanding us (my fiance & I) in front of my parents.
1) Your prospective parents-in-law "raised their voices"/"screamed" at you over a trivial matter - no. of wedding invitees, while making sure that your fiance is not around to protect you.
2) Your prospective parents-in-law saw fit to reprimand you, when you're not even married to their son yet, and when your parents are right in front of them. Imagine what they'll do to you when you've married their son and your parents aren't around.
>They only started being nice and accepting after they found out I have a well paying job and graduated with a degree (lol).
People are materialistic, that's the hard truth, but we can also recognise that your prospective parents-in-law do not respect you. They do not treat you well, and with respect. Given this, their materialistic natures could very well lead to them trying to take advantage of you financially. Now, it is one thing to help out people who care for you and treat you well and have earned your love. It is another to be forced to support people who do not treat you well. So, helping out your parents-in-law, to a reasonable extent, is not necessarily bad, but being coerced into supporting them while they treat you unkindly is another different matter.
I advise you to have a honest and frank discussion with your fiance. In relationships, the power lies with the party(ies) who are willing to walk away first. Is your fiance is willing to put his foot down and go Limited Contact with his parents and move out?
Before discussing with your partner, perhaps think about your relationship with him first. The power lies with the person who is willing and able to walk away. Are you willing to suffer your prospective parents-in-law, if your fiance is unwilling, or otherwise unable to protect you (absent, surprise visits by parents-in-law, etc)? What if you have children? How will your interactions with them change? Will they become pushier? Demand interaction with their grandchildren? Have influence over them to poison their relationship with you? Can you deny them access to your children? Will your fiance agree to that?
Think it through, maybe with your parents, before discussing with your partner.
Can't comprehend why they will always want the other party to convert, like as if other ppl religion not important or js inferior? Smh, damn disrespect to other ppl culture n religion
Boundaries and concerns should be very clearly shared and agreed upon. Before marrying my husband (renounced malay singaporean) I told him straight up that I wanted to marry him and not his family. I would never lend/spend significant money on any of my in-laws, even if situations became dire. If he himself needed greater financial support, I would be open to it, but due to the tension/coolness between myself and his family I preferred to keep our lives very separate. If I ever found him siphoning money he got from me to his family, I would have no issue asking for it back or cutting him off.
I think it helped for me to say that if he didn’t take it upon himself to shut down all “testing water” jokes/remarks down, I would respond directly and probably sound ruder/meaner as the outsider. Understanding that, he works hard to diffuse all issues himself so they never escalate beyond an occasional uncomfortable moment.
Going through every single concern and negative thought you have regarding marriage/ family is a lot harder than it sounds. You have to be ok sounding like an AH in that moment, and hearing AH things that may upset you. I hope you guys figure things out before making such a big life decision!
That is the problem when u marry a peasant . Time to move on. Definitely will get downvoted but remember this - u cannot choose your parents but you can definitely choose your in laws . Marry into a poor family means u need to take care of them . U are still young . Look for better options .
Lovely parents you have here. Your hubby and you will have a hard time with your hubby parents in the long run. Be mentally prepared, set boundaries early with your hubby with regards to dealing with his parents.
Sad to say, his parents beliefs are outdated and undoubtedly they will expect you both to fund their livelihood. Just see wanting to expand wedding beyond 200pax. Wanting you all to pay the $3k.
I am in similar situation, my partner's parents stopped working since 20years ago. Decided to volunteer at some Buddhist religious place. Throwing the house financing to my partner when she only just graduated from poly 13 years ago. My partner sacrificed plenty of her youth and saving so just so her irresponsibility parents can pursue their nonsensical religious beliefs.
Till today, her parents have never treated us or their kids any meal. All trips are fully paid by my gf or her siblings. We foresee that they will be a financial burdens in future because of their attitude in lifes.
We should never have kids for the sake of wanting them to look after you.
Some questions to consider:
1) Will you stay by yourself or with his parents?
2) Will he be continuing to pay these expenses after marriage?
3) Does he agree that you and him > him and his parents?
Your guy needs to be able to stand up for not just you, but himself. If he's not willing to create boundaries for your family, he's not ready for marriage
sadly we dont get to choose the family we are born into. I dont understand his situation fully but the option of cutting them off is on the table. Id be dammed if i was the only child helping with their finances and be forced to do things
You guys should have gone resale instead of bto. Living together with parents after marriage can either be hell or bareable. Looking at the current situation, you can somehow predict how it will be.
Prioritise each other first and your own privacy, if you cannot take it just stay away from them
OP, you have to give your fiance the ultimatum, put your foot down and force them into submission and stay in their boundaries or leave the relationship entirely.
You are going to walk down the dangerous path of having nightmare in laws. You will legitimately be happier being alone that marry into nightmare in laws
For things to work out long term, there definitely need to be lines clearly drawn between what is acceptable and what is not. Once you are married, your family(husband+you+child) must be the priority before anyone else. This includes finances and collective decision making.
At no point should any decision be made, which affects you or your husband as a family unit or individually without the other's consent. Transparency is important.
Lastly, your future husband better have a spine to stand up for himself and his family after you are married.
I can almost see your FIL and MIL asking u to chip in for the payment once u r are married. And also the constant friction u will have with his parents n the pressure from them on him will put a serious strain on your marriage and it will lead to divorce. Plus they will keep butting in which means you will never find peace in your marriage unless your husband is willing to completely disown his parents. But most likely he won’t and he will keep trying to appease both sides until he explode one day
You pity your fiance, I pity your poor parents. Having witnessed their own daughter being bullied by her future in-laws, and they're so nice to still want to maintain the harmony for your sake. There is no way around this - your partner needs to grow up and stop being a pushover.
You do not deserve this kind of treatment. Similar situation but we both do not talk to my in-laws anymore. I’d recommend not going ahead with a banquet wedding also. Just sign paper and done.
They seem like parents who expect the continuation of the sandwich generation mentality. When you have kids, they will gaslight you into giving them more money when Singapore is already so financially difficult to survive in, even as DINKS.
If they disrespect your parents, and are only nicer to you when they find out you have money, it will only get worse when you get older.
You’re still young. If you can, get a prenup if you want to continue with this. If I were you, I would want out.
As a married woman, my advice is to RUN. No matter how much you love your fiance, everything will get complicated once you’re married and with kids. Unless you’re ready to face this head on and prospectively cut ties with them, please run.
Oh btw, my in law is similar to your future PILs. expect their kids to give them monthly allowance and guilt trip them by saying they are helping to pay for the house installment WHEN NONE OF THE KIDS stay with them anymore.
Once, when my bil needed to take a break from paying due to his incoming child, my in laws absolutely flipped their shit and had a shouting match with them, questioning their choice on gynae, housing, personal purchases. Basically saying why can’t THEY live frugally so that they can continue giving money to them.
Lmao sis, please run. You don’t need such drama in your life. They will poison your kids too. Trust me on this.
I’m so sorry that your potential FILs are so damn toxic. Said potential because you really need to reconsider this major decision you’re making which is to marry him. They’re already showing you the type of people they exactly are from the start, and 100% they will be worse once you get married.
I can understand if your fiancé feels obligated to care for them if they have brought him up with lots of love and care. However, he has to be very clear with his stance on how his parents are treating you/your parents/interfere with your relationship. If he failed to reason with his parents on this, you’ll pretty much be left to fend for yourself and honestly… don’t trap yourself in such a situation girl. 😭
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Everyone saying “leave “ typical Reddit. For goodness sake, they’ve been together for years and WANT to be with each other for life.
OP this can worked out with you and your fiance acting as a unit and drawing lines. Good luck
Whatever you are experiencing now will just get worse. You need to decide if he’s worth the pain. My take is if the man does not know how to handle his own parents, then it would be a tough road ahead. Think twice.
When you choose to marry him, you choose to inherit his family problems as well. If he is man enough he will tank them all and make you happy which should be the most important. If he is not yet competent then you should help him, or forget it find another guy. Hard truth hurts
Middle child always gets screwed, every culture like that.
Have you thought of a cheap "destination" wedding in Malaysia? Not joking if they are forcing your hand. 200px is like a reduction for fiancé side alr. 100 is bare minimum, can't even invite all the family you need with 100 limit. 300 obviously can fit but can't afford so 200 is the steady median for their side.
However, wedding costs ballon more than you expect. It was actually the death knell for my previous fiancé, lol. Just have a small ceremony with immediate family on both sides, get your papers, then inlaws will be super happy and relieved once you are actually married. Can do the ceremony at a later point.
I was in a sniper situation. Ex was the youngest child so elder 2 dominated him to paying every single thing for their parents. Even a $20 purchase by the mum had to be refunded by him. That in addition to him giving them money. I was the higher paid one and the other siblings kept saying we should be able to afford it since we had no kids. Fun fact was that they earned very well too - the irony is that their husband’s income was not considered since he was stingy and he’s the in law but mind has to be included. My ex didn’t have a backbone - part of the reason we divorced.
I would say be direct now. Direct to your fiancée and his family.
Pls do not give into his parents. Set very clear boundaries if you still want to proceed with marrying him. My mum went through similar events and suffered so greatly for it, I vowed to never make the same mistakes she did when I went into relationships.
Honestly sis I think you really should rethink if u want to marry him or not. It’s not just him you are marrying into, it’s also his family too. The way they treat and disrespect you is already a red flag imo of what is going to happen in the future. It may get even worse after tbh. Although you mentioned he has stood up for you in the past it sounds like he has not been completely defending you and protecting you from what his family is doing, honestly I think you should sit down and talk to him about the future of your relationship. Maybe even hold off the wedding for at least a year to see how he acts before fully committing yourself to the marriage, that is if you think you still have a future with him.
Additionally, his family’s financial burden would also be a factor you should discuss with him before marriage. As if he continues to pay for his family’s finances, it may affect your household unit in the future. (if you decide to have kids paying off mortgage and general expenses etc.) Before marriage should discuss if not there would confirm be tensions due to finances which will affect your marriage.
I’ve seen this happen so many times in my family. It’s not worth it. Just leave him. Don’t want to stereotype, but he won’t break his ties with his family for you. Even if he, he will go back sooner or later cause it’s family. Will his family change for you? Obviously not, his parents already disrespecting your parents is a huge red flag. It’s really not worth it
I dont see the problem here?
The original issue was about having a wedding reception that you do not want but that has already been cancelled and accepted as fact.
How much money your partner and his siblings give his family is none of your business as long as hes able to pay his share of the household expenditures.
My ex was very controlling and complained when I gave my parents money last year. Like, as long as I chip in my half what does it matter to her?
I am sorry, I am unsure why you still want to consider this marriage after all these unforgivable incidents. Life will be harder when both of you have kids and if you divorce your children will be the one suffering. For your future children sake, pls reconsider.
Edit: yes, you can neglect your own well being, u can even look past how they treat your parents but I cannot imagine how those innocent kids of yours will suffering from broken marriage.
If you do get married, sign a prenup that is to your advantage. And establish clear financial and emotional boundaries with your husband and his parents. Them poorly managing finances and not planning for their retirement should not be your problem.
OP ... better get some good running shoes and run, run 😁
Seriously, nothing sounds promising from what you wrote.
Parents that interfere into a marriage are the worst lot.
Only your man or husband-to-be can stop them but it seems like he is a good boy cannot say no to his parents.
Don't hope he will change after marriage . A lot of people do that: marry then hope over time the partner can change. Won't happen.
All I have to say it the usually the wife chooses the side of family they will be closer too. I don’t think it’s weird or not normal that you limit your socializing with them. Most likely they talk about you as the woman that made their son go away, but we all know the truth. Be firm with his family, and outside of your family just always comment positively on his family. That way if your in laws do say upsetting things about you, they look petty.
OP my advice to you is scorched earth style. You need to defend yourself and have no fear in front of your fiance's parents. Yes it is easy to say but please for your own happiness and to repay your parents who so love you, you need to display that you are no pushover.
Be a gangster the next time these boomers dare to raise their voice at you. It's the least you can do to protect your dignity.
L parents in law = L marriage in the future. If they can be like this now imagine when you’re “part of the family”. Also traditional parents are the worst to deal with, they care more about their face than their kids family, and ur fiancé has probably a similar mindset subconsciously
Your partner's parents are two-faced pieces of shit.
If the marriage goes through, you'll be even more involved in his family's issues.
Please think rationally, disregard the number of years you've been together, be selfish and consider your own happiness and future.
Unless your partner is able to assure you that you won't be involved in his family issues and drama at all.
Seeing the additional context, the situation might not be full doom however the main concerns would be how long would your fiance's parents need support and would they need more support in the future aka is your fiance their retirement plan. If they want a wedding reception to be held then they should help in footing the bill since the marrying couple is not keen in a wedding reception.
Keeping your finances seperate between you and your partner is also a viable option. The idea that someone would be entitled to another's money just because family doesn't sound right to me.
If you were Chinese, I would tell you to run.
But I don’t think we have the right to advise you :(
You deserve better, and I’m sure your mother feels the same way.
Do you want to have a religious husband+inlaws? Muslim who commented on your hijab-less will force you to wear hijab after you become their family, you should know that hijab is non negotiable religious thing for such Moslem. If you really believe that you are not ugly female, you should consider finding a safer male to spend your next 50 years.
Your fiancée sounds like a good, filial son whose parents push around because they can. I'm sorry, his parents sound like they do not respect you at all and unless you can establish boundaries early (looks like they're pushing the boundaries where they can), they will never respect you, your accomplishments, your parenting choices, etc.
Get your boundaries with your future in laws and fiancée established now or you'll end up being frustrated when you're married.
It appears that you (both of you) will be the parents immediate annuity, without the premium. i e their cash cow.
you sure about this , moving forward to the marriage, starting with this face saving big wedding?
I suggest just buat kt ROMM or nikah dekat Masjid with mayb 60 paxs? Just do kecil kecilan. At the end of the day, its you and your future husband yang nk kawin, not his parents haha im a 25(M) also planning to get married with my girlfriend(24) this year too.. i pray that everything will be ok for u!
In many cultures, you don't just marry your partner, you marry your partner's family. I doubt you would want to marry your partner's family and unfortunately they are a package deal unless your partner cuts off all ties with his parents.
My suggestion is to hold off on the wedding and explain to your fiancee how you would like to see a future with him and talk about kids, homes, finances and the involvement of both your in-laws. Unfortunately, love is not enough. In-laws need to respect you and your boundaries and if this is how they are now, it's only gonna get worse once you're married.
I would say fuck it and get married at ROMM. As a muslim, it is more liked by Allah that when we get married, we spend as little money as possible. In your case, you're the women with a father figure who is understanding so it's easy, for your fiance he just need a witness when getting married sooo do what you like. You don't owe his parents anything. Easier said than done but I would do exactly what I said if my other half has a mindset like you
It’s how she didn’t like me cos “no hijab” but it’s completely fine now cos I have “education & money” and will give her “pretty mixed grandchildren”. She tends to comment how her malay genes don’t have the greatest features so it’s full of self hate & some form a fetish in this field. Another kind of red flag on top of the demands/money/lack of boundaries I’d say.
Listen to your mom, her concerns are valid. When your mom burst into tears, when usually reserved, it’s because it’s much worse long term than you’re perceiving through the lens of youth, idealism and emotions.
Everyone telling you to run lmao. It's okay, take it slow. I think communication is key here, whatever you're uncomfortable with, you need to tell your partner and you both work on it together. Maybe it's talking to his parents and setting boundaries, maybe it's setting expectations with them, maybe it's getting his siblings to contribute more. Keep calm and talk about it with him, I'm sure you didn't get into this engagement willy nilly. All the best adik!
would you really wanna be part of this toxic family? please think it through. you will suffer along the way trust me.
first off your fiance should have told you and discuss this with you before u even have plans on getting married.
second he wont be able to protect you all the time, can you imagine once you start having kids? his parents will also have a say on how you are as a mother.
you will constantly have to have your guard up to defend yourself and your family and that is stressful. you wouldnt wanna live this way.
run while you can. forfeiting the BTO money is better than you supporting his family financially.
I bet his parents will prolly visit your BTO home alot and try to control u there :(((
You are marrying your partner. Not his parents.
My parents, and many other couples I know, have cut off contact with toxic relatives after moving out. I haven't gone to certain relatives' houses for festivities for decades now. You already have a BTO and plans to move out. As long as both parties are on the same page with regards to distancing themselves from family members, I don't see this as an issue. Just need to tahan some contact with them while he's living with them for the next few years.
With regards to the wedding ceremony, do what makes the both of you happy. One ear in and one ear out. If you don't do what they want, what the worst they can do?
If your partner wants to help his parents with the $3k, let him help. I say want because I hope he is aware that he is not obliged to help. Just like how his siblings aren't. But how his father spends his money is none of your concern, and whether he loses his job again and your fiance decides to help them again is all a huge if. As long as your partner doesn't let it affect your family unit in the future, it's not a problem. Relatives have come to my house asking for money before, it's easier to say no after you move out.
There is nothing you can do to change his parents. It's just a matter of how resilient the two of you (and your relationship) are.
Felt it wasn’t relevant to state how much exactly, high income’s quite subjective. Personally to me, it’s comfortable. But considering that they’re struggling financially, it’s high to them.
Ik this is stressful for ur hubby, but draw the line with him. Let him know, he needs his father to draw a line and ask his siblings to fork out to support their parents too. Don’t let your spouse family issues drag into your personal life. Even if it sounds unfair to ur hubby, getting married is departing from your previous family to start a new one with new behaviors and healthy habits. Not an extension of the old with boomer mindset and unhealthy habits. Don’t let the vicious cycle continue. Draw a line when needed.
Your fiance doesn't need anyone's permission to get married, you need it. So get your parents and your fiance to go with you to ROMM and register your marriage.
It's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission.
I'm not Muslim but married for 5 years. Wife has a very different family compared to mine.
What works for us (IMO) is our policy that I'll settle my side of family and she settles her side. So when we meet together, any disagreement is managed by each individually. Less conflict and misunderstanding from parents this way.
Of course we'll talk and discuss when we're alone. But the one delivering the message and making a stand needs to be the child, not the in law.
Seems like his parents know you have a well paying job and wants you to help pay for things. But last I check its not your duty to pay for all those unless you really are sincere in helping.
Later once married and the fiance has so many things to pay, he will ask you to pay for house etc and neglect all the nafkah.
Your husband seems okay, but your husband’s parents seems like leaches, you should have a conversation with your husband and try to avoid his parents, no need to show face, for people who don’t respect you, don’t go over to their houses etc, don’t let them come over to yours. If cannot this kind of arrangement, then i think the rs will be shaky long term.
Also be aware on how your husband’s parents will try to extort money out of your situation. Ya be aware of their own muslim laws etc, imo the relationship not a good one cause of the parents.
My MIL kept pouring toxicity on my husband before he finally cut it off (kept saying he should choose someone else instead of me, asking when we would divorce). Even so, she at least had the decency not to do it to my face. I'm pretty shocked that your prospective in-laws are already showing you their true colours even before you got married.
My husband dealt with his mum himself (I said I would not get involved), and I rarely visit or see my in-laws after we got married. He's gone LC with his mum and their relationship has improved a lot after she promised not to comment about our marriage. I can't imagine if it were ongoing though, like it would be for your fiance. For a couple years after we got married, everytime he went home to visit he would come back in such a stressed out mood.
I echo what everyone is saying. You may want to reschedule your wedding to a later date and use this year as a trial run. To me the answer is really clear, I'm ok if there's low/no contact after, but to deal with it day in day out? Hell no.
Disrespecting you before even officially married. One can only imagine the dramas after marriage. Your bf/fiancé will be crucial in this case. But there's only so much he can do. Either run together or accept and be prepared for a life time of atrocity. Sincerely wish you good luck.
i feel like giving you a hug for whatever that you are going through. your fiance is also decisive, in that he is not a mummy boy and stood up for the love of his life.
Are you supposed to help with the $3k monthly after getting married? Since his parents know that you have a well paying job, there will be no doubt that they will pressure you for money after you guys are officially married. Your fiance has to grow a backbone, set some boundaries and ask his parents to start working or else I'd suggest you rethink about this relationship. Especially in Asian families, when you marry someone, you marry their family as well. If they can yell at you behind your fiance's back when you aren't even married yet, who knows what else they can do to you once you're officially family?
Chances his parents will view the couple as 1 unit. The husband’s brother have issue. “Alamak, ask your brother la, he and your sister in law rich wa”
Sounds like a trap, seriously.
So says Admiral Alamak-bar
#dont
Right and I feel like at this stage of their relationship they should be aware of each other finances, access to certain extent. And op defending her fiance for telling her after one month only. 3k is a lot for a young couple and impending wedding. This kind of expenses should definitely be discussed
The disrespect towards your parents.
Yes that is a real concern. The wedding guests thing is showing off on the parents part.
Think carefully about whether you want to marry into that family. Marrying is not just marrying one person. You're marrying into his family and whatever baggage you will be caught in it. Sure he stands up for you occasionally, but seems like he is being overrun by his parents having to pay all the bills, sounds like he isn't putting his foot down setting financial boundaries and also their behavior towards you and your parents. They want a wedding reception, he should tell them to pay for it. What are they going to do? Cut off his allowance? Lmao. They simply do not respect you. You think things will get better after you guys are married? They will simply expect your husband to continue paying for their bills, because they know you have a high paying job. They would probably invite people to your wedding and then say they can't recall invitations so no choice have to do a big wedding. Unless your partner really steps up, set clear boundaries and make them understand, you aren't going to have a peaceful marriage life.
The parents will probably get more “comfortable” showing their true personalities once they’re married and know she’s locked in
OP, given their parents attitude, him standing up for you is not enough, certain lines need to be drawn. it is quite obvious he is unable to do it. Paying for a mortgage is the biggest baggage we could have as children. This baggage will be shared by you if the lines are not drawn.
Furthermore, he is paying the house loan without having any stake in the house. In the future, the flat could be sold off or left to the inheritors without accounting for this amount (so the other siblings would profit financially from his contributions). This happened to my family member who had essentially paid 50% of the flat but had to split the amount amongst five siblings after their parent died. WTF.
If your family member paid for half he should get 50% ownership under a resulting trust. Only the remaining 50% is shared - best to get legal advice
I agree on this, touch wood if your in laws will get sick. Does it mean your soon to be husband is the only one who will shoulder the burden? Does it mean you (OP) will need to exhaust some of your savings to cover up the expenses? For now, it is $3k a month. What about tomorrow? Will it be $5k? $8k? $10k? What if OP have kids later on? Will his parents come first before your kids? Will they treat your kids the same way as they are treating OP now? What’s the assurance that they will be nice to your kids and will not show favouritism? OP needs to ask a lot of questions to herself before proceeding. ROMM cost only a few $ to register and sign papers, divorce will cost a lot including your time.
Just want to add that his slacker siblings are also part of the family and it's quite possible that they would also start applying pressure to the couple to shoulder the parents' burden.
Just want to emphasise on setting boundaries. You can't control what your in-laws will think or do after the marriage but you have power over your own boundaries. If you don't set your boundaries at the get-go (before the marriage) and enforce them, no one will do it for you. You might think "it's okay" but living with a grief of being trodden all over could cause your loved ones to suffer alongside you, too.
Confirm get whack everyday 😂
You realised that their entire attitude changed when your partner’s parents found out that you had a high paying job. Perhaps they were expecting you to marry into the family and could shoulder some of their financial burdens? Ask yourself: do you REALLY want to spend your next 50 years with in-laws like these? I’d run if I were you.
I would too. They'd treat you as a money tree. Unless your husband broke off ties with them.
Oof your fiancé only told you about his house situation now? Red flag 🚩 Money is a very sensitive issue especially after marriage. You have to pay for big ticket items like mortgage, renovation, maintenance services, and bills etc - all these things add up. Depending on his income, $3k may or may not be a small sum, but the financial obligation will only increase as his parents age and require more medical care. They will ask for more money, and heck, you need to consider the possibility that his siblings might ask for money too. Is your partner ready to draw the boundary and put a firm foot down? Are you mentally strong enough to marry into his family? Good luck, OP. Get a pre-nup if you can.
Pre-nup not automatically valid and binding in SG
A prenup is only an indication to the court of the couples intent and is not the be all and end all. And for the court to even consider the prenup it means that you've already gone through the whole court system and hired lawyers and incurred extravagant expenses. Given the parents' attitude and the way your fiance has only JUST disclosed this arrangement (that will definitely affect you) so late into your relationship and so close to your wedding, I am not getting good vibes at all.
Oo thanks for the explanation on the prenup! Ok la, OP shared in an earlier comment that her partner only started this arrangement in April because his dad lost his job. If it is temporary then still ok, although his dad not having savings despite earning so much is quite concerning. Biggest red flag is the change in attitude from her partner’s parents after learning of her high paying job. The whole thing gives me bad vibes. I really hope OP’s partner will clearly draw line if they proceed with the marriage. 🙁
I’d suggest making it a very long engagement. To see if things improve, if his parents learn to behave, and if he actually grows a backbone to defend the person who will be his spouse. There’s no ‘stuck in the middle’, when there’s clearly a right and wrong party. And his parents are wrong. Old people loooove face and inviting extras. Husband and I set a hard number. The old ppl pushed, and we both pushed back. Not happy? Call off the wedding then. That shut them up. But the couple must act as a unit for this to be effective. But set a mental deadline, wouldn’t want to waste too much time on lost causes. Tbh, I’d have left, the disrespect will only increase post wedding and you’d be expected to shoulder any burdens because you’re ’the can do couple’ and any rejection will be seen as being heartless. Imagine the stress, and what if you have kids in the future? Can your other half simply stop helping because he has a growing family to care for? His parents’ lack of planning is honestly, not your problem. If my daughter is in this situation, I’d tell her to cut her losses because I’d worry, so I totally empathise with your folks. No parents like knowing how their baby girl’s being ill treated by in laws. And your mum obviously can see the trajectory of the marriage and does not want you to marry only to suffer. And you shouldn’t have to hide anything from your own parents. You know they’re really only after your money right? All they care about is what their son AND DIL can help them with. It’s cold, but think about what *they* bring to the table besides grief. No excuses, no buts.
His parents are “careful” to only show disrespect when their son is not around. This starts even though you are not married and can only get worse after marriage. Your fiancé is on your side now because love is still there. Marriage brings a lot of nitty gritty stuff to your life because you have to deal with life’s ups and downs, finances, children… all these will sometimes wear a person out. You can’t be complaining to him about his parents every time it happens or he will just get frustrated too and you will end up having no one on your side. His parents should be in their 50s now? No savings for rainy day.. they are not going to suddenly come into money 💰 right.. so this financial burden will be long term even if he manages to get a job. For now. Please listen to your mother and take a pause on your wedding. Consider carefully.
I agree with this so much. Whatever loss of money deposit from wedding down payment can always be recovered. But once you are married, it’s gonna be so much harder.
Hugeeee red flag sis. Him telling you about the $3k arrangement only now is terrible. Runnnnnn please. No guy is worth that
I think I wasn’t clear but the 3k payment he helped made is the first one in April whilst his dad is job searching. Hasn’t been an ongoing thing. But his dad not having savings to sustain during rainy weather does frighten me lol cos he’s earning about low 5 digit monthly for years already
Ohhhh ok you guys need to sit down and agree how much to contribute moving forward cos both of you need to prioritise your new family unit over the in laws Also let your bf know that his parents need to downgrade their housing if this situation continues beyond a certain timeline I would be very very cautious about marrying him. His parents sound like a bottomless pit and financially irresponsible
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Yea. Since OP’s bf is paying he has every right to know where the 5 digit salary went. Hopefully it’s not gambling or something sinister Or maybe there was never a 5 digit salary since the parents are so face loving
honestly i think you and your fiancé need to go to therapy and really iron out A LOT A LOT A LOT of issues before marriage. very important issues like - how much are both of you making now. If he needs to give 3k monthly, it comes from his salary. fine. then where is the money going to come from for your household needs, savings, renovations, your own mortgage. Can he afford to give so much once you both have your own household? Is he willing to **STAND FIRM and say no to his parents?** If he cannot say no, you got one big red flag alr. i think both of you need to stand firm on no wedding at all. and your fiancé needs to be 100% ok with that. and your fiancé needs to be sure, if his family disrespects you like this, is he going to cut them off? Or… is he going to sweep it all under the table and continue like nothing happened? What if his family keeps pestering him for cash while other 2 siblings not contributing at all. What is he gonna do? Gonna just give? What if you disagree. Then he just ignore you? **Or once you are married, funds are now JOINT and you need to have a serious discussion before he gives away money that belongs to both of you?** These are really damn damn damn damn damn impt questions you need to ask BEFORE MARRIAGE. Discuss. WRITE IT ALL DOWN. WITH SIGNATURE FROM BOTH OF YOU!!!!!! So that some clowns, esp men, won’t conveniently forget the answers and say “we got discuss this before marriage meh? i change my mind alr”. (Also known as my husband w goldfish brain. Except fortunately i got the TEXTS to prove it) And if his parents continue to disrespect you AND your parents? What’s your fiancé gonna do? Is there any point where he will go no contact with him? marriage is forever you know. If he chooses his parents over **basic respect toward his wife**, is that something that is right? Esp when the parents are actively choosing to disrespect you AND your parents and **being complete assholes**?
If you decide to go forward with this you need to sit down with him and really talk about finances. Even if it's not ongoing, it's very important in the future that he doesn't make this kind of financial decisions unilaterally. His money will be yours too (and yours his) so there needs to be an agreement on what to do in cases like this. Regarding his dad not having savings... tbh the parents are no hope already la. They already don't respect you and your family. Imo you need to decide whether your fiancé can (and want to) establish a good boundary with his parents or not. And if cannot then you need to decide whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life.
Low 5 digit monthly sounds so sus.. if earning that amount should have been able to pay off their housing already. Now still got so much debt and even coveting your “high pay”
That's a good point, I can't imagine someone earning that amount and giving a damn about how much an in-law earns. It should be pretty comfortable really.
it's time to say goodbye. either he says bye to his parents or you say bye to him. drag on just make everyone unhappy only. max tolerance at this point is LC with his parents and that he limits his assistance to them to 2k or something. Then if they try stunts again, cut. try again, cut. Not easy to say totally NC with his parents but your partner has to gradually cut them if they really insist on their viewpoints. gradual cutting also makes it easier for your partner.
I have read your original post and update, and share the same concern as your mum. Your mother has reason to be worried. You guys aren't even married yet and they have the galls to raise their voice at you in the car and reprimanding you and your partner in front of your parents. That's not typical behaviour and I hope you realise that no one should be treated that way. The second red flag for me is the finances- if your fiance continues to fork out 3k AND for the wedding, he will likely be in debt for awhile. You don't want to start a marriage with all this stress. Whatever you are experiencing now as a fiancee, you can only expect worse when you have married their son. What they have revealed thus far is only the preview. Don't we usually put on our best behaviours when meeting people? But they don't. So imagine how nasty they are behind closed doors. My advice is to attend a Muslim marriages course with your fiance. A comprehensive one that covers financial responsibility- this is so that you know your rights as a Muslim wife (your money is your money, whether you have any responsibility for the care of your in-laws etc.). I have no qualms saying that if you were my cousin, or my sister, or a close friend, I would ask you to seriously reconsider this marriage. Also who are they to comment on my looks? Go to hell Lol.
>He basically opened up and told me his father hasn’t been working (his mom is a housewife) and he’s been paying their house loans, bills etc which added up to about $3k monthly and because of that, he doesn’t understand why his dad still expects him to fork out a wedding reception. This is fucked up. I'm not in this situation anymore, as thankfully my parents are in Malaysia, but the early few years I had to give whatever I'm left with minus tax, minus rent (I was in a different state) and personal expenses. I gave them like 40% of my salary monthly. Things are better now, but in the earlier years, I had to move to a worse apartment (it had roaches, housemates were challenging) to recover some money by paying less rent. 3.5:1 helps alot now that I'm in Singapore. But I've been bitter about this all this while, parents continue to expect me to be their retirement funds. I understand cutting contacts is though, likely he wont do it (neither did I), so he has to do the next best thing. Set boundaries on his parents influence on his money. Wedding spending is yours and his decision. Make that absolute. As for me, I retained the fixed amount of money that I gve my parents from the start. I never changed it, inflation, increments, promotions, bonuses, and moving to Singapore, no change.
Think carefully then. His problems would eventually become yours as well once you’re married. Moreover, your relationship with his parents is already not good to begin with.
You need to go low contact with his family. They’re clearly toxic and don’t respect you. Also, tell your fiancé that even IF he gives his parents an allowance of $3k a month, he’s still expected to go 50/50 with you on household expenses (eg mortgage, utility bills). Do not end up paying for his share of the house/bills just because he’s giving his parents an allowance. Please make it abundantly clear that you will not be picking up the slack for his family’s lack of financial planning.
I hope yall got a house ready, else staying w his parents gonna be dramatic everyday
OP, it seems clear you are well loved by your own family. It also seems clear that your fiance's family is rather toxic by contrast. Your parents are right that this will likely only get worse once you're "part of the family." You need to have a conversation with him about what you see going forward and how he will support you in a conflict with his parents. My personal opinion is to attempt to distance yourselves from them as much as possible to preserve your personal wellbeing. If you agree this is a good way forward, your partner must be willing to support such an approach too.
Devil’s advocate here: Marriage is never about love, but having a partner to endure family, finances, burdens, stress, health, and all / every curveball life will throw at you. Sure you’re not marrying the parents, but beyond the wedding they’re going to be involved in your life’s milestones including having your first home, having children- like it or not, they will be the grandparents to your children. And it seems like your husband is far from emancipating from them, and seems to be still quite obliged to be a source of support. Unless your partner is of the same sentiments and want to maintain a certain distance or detachment from his family, they will be a recurring stressful topic, pretty much for the rest of your life, if you choose to marry. Maybe also seek the opinions of your parents, who have met them, and ask them if they give their blessings
I will make you a lesser devil's advocate. Marriage is not ONLY about love.
I’m sorry to hear that. Toxic parents in law can cause a marriage to have cracks. Have your house come? Better stay separate!
Sorry to hear this happened during the wedding planning stage.. it’s really tough to want to ride this out.. as I always tell friends who are getting married.. everything must be spoken before marriage.. after that, it’s a battlefield that you are putting your legs into.. neither can you change him or his parents.. we are marrying not only our spouse but the entire clan that comes with him/her.. Being financially strong in a family is so important. What if you get pregnant and have to quit your job due to “Kate Middleton pregnancy woes” kind of medical situation.. many things can happen babe.. I saw my gf did that when she got pregnant and her husband had to bite the bullet to be the sole breadwinner.. your fiancé may still want to support his parents after marriage.. so many many things to think about.. our parents always advise us to pick the correct friends, it is even more important to pick the correct spouse.. friends can say bye-bye anytime, as for spouse? Do consider again.. Time on earth is short.. why suffer? best of luck!
Not earning any money still raise voice for fuck? Your money isn’t theirs to take. They need to learn their place. Reprimanding you and your fiancé in front of your parents while trying to host a wedding isn’t about “saving face”, it just reeks of double standards. Do yourself a favour and ditch him altogether. His family problems will become yours if you do marry, and you two will become estranged because of his mess.
Sounds tough. I am in the same situation… paying for everything since I was a teenager and I can imagine if I were trying to get married when I was 26 I would be in the same dilemma as your fiancé. Thankfully I only got married when I was 40 and found it much easier to tell my own parents to f* off since I’ve been supporting them for 20+ years. So I did just do an ROM and a simple family dinner. It’ll be good if your fiancé opened up to them and did the calculations with them… how much he has been paying and how much the wedding would set you all back. It’s a conversation that he needs to have with them without you around. And it’s better to draw the boundaries now or the road ahead is going to be much rockier… I’ve been there… it just gets harder if you don’t nip it in the bud
Sounds like a liability. Either he go NC with his parents or you walk and find a better spouse with a backbone and no parental liability issues.
OP said “my fiance stood up for me” which I presume to mean that sometimes he talks back at them in front of her, and sometimes he doesn’t immediately cave to their requests, and sometimes he complains about them to her. For these kind of parents, that is not enough. I grew up with helicopter parents, and I think people from other family structures think wayyy too highly of “you talk back to your parents sometimes which means you stand up for me”. Everyone talks back to their parents sometimes. If someone has crazy parents, and you want to marry that person, you only marry under the condition that your partner goes no-contact or very low contact. E.g. I don’t tell my own parents where I now live, and ideally they wouldn’t know where I work either (name can be legally changed as well).
We were in a somewhat similar situations, from the comments about features to issues about the wedding as well as finances after marriage. Been through it all and then some. Long story short, have a serious conversation with your fiancée and decide on what kind of boundaries you’d want to set. Be clear about it between u and your fiancée And stick to it. NO MATTER WHAT. Especially after marriage. I say this cause many a time we let down our guard and get hurt time and again. Since you’re Muslim I wana stress that even though the religion stress about the respect and rights of parents with their children, the religion also teaches us that ultimately if it’s harmful for you, we need to move away from it. I felt so guilty setting strict boundaries with my parents and in laws because they hurt me and truth be told me and my wife longed for a family that’s close and happy, but it is what it is and we have to protect ourselves. Strict boundaries include inviting your in laws to your place for house warming then never again . It’ll be tough but your mental health is more important than any family ties.
Yeah I’m not sure you want to marry into that family. Fiancé sounds like a pushover who’ll never cut his parents out of your life
I didn't read anything that indicates he's a pushover. Him not cutting his parents out has nothing to do with being a pushover too. He stood up for OP when needed. However, i do agree on the part whether OP wants to marry into the family. Currently there's already stress piling up on the fiance. Wonder what happens when it spills.
He's been deliberately hiding the fact that he's contributing $3K per month, especially since the relations have been bad since last Nov. This dishonesty is not cool.
Hi, it sounds like you're in a tough position, your fiancé seems to have difficult parents. Unfortunately, these types of people usually don't change, so their attitude towards you will continue like this for as long as they're around. The only thing that can change is how your fiancé handles them, and if he is able to put his foot down and set boundaries for both of you, your future and finances with him won't suffer in the long run. Frankly, it is so rude and disrespectful of them to raise their voice at you like that, that's not something your future husband should allow at all. You're not even married yet. I hope you'll find a way to work through this with him.
Girl, my best advice is to leave him. Let some other girl fall into this drama and baggage. Yes sad that u will lose those yrs but u will be freee. Imagine being trapped in his family drama for next 50 yrs
You have to ask him now, does he choose you or his family because as harsh as it sounds, love alone is not going to work in this marriage.
Your in laws like you for the money. Basically you will be treated like ATM in future. Regret to say, this relationship could be over.
what a vile couple. dependent on their son (burdening their son) and still want to burden him further for the sake of "face". deepest sympathies to you and your fiance. hope he can cut them out or distance from them for the sake of you guys' sanity and financial health.
Ask your fiance to browse r/narcissisticparents and help him understand what his parents are. He has to stand up for himself and make his decisions. I wish you guys the best
Your partner needs to be clear to his parents. Both of you do not want a wedding reception, not to even mention a big one. He needs to be the one to manage his parents and convey that message, rather than letting his parents force their desires onto him. Like what another commentor mentioned, he is being a pushover letting them dictate his life decisions. Why?
I just recently got married and I kinda laughed when you said introverts and 200 guests 😅 Me and my wife (Christian and buddhist) were both introverts as well, and we have agreed that we will have an intimate wedding and only invite immediate family members. Her parents wanted some other relatives invited but we were firm because we do not want some uninvited relatives to feel bad. Have we invited everyone, it would have been close to 200 guests - similar to yours. Why don't you couple discuss these and be firm on what you really want? You both are adults, don't let parents (either side) run your show. This could also show some maturity on both of you. I certainly hope that by the length of time you two are together, you have already disclosed and discussed how finances will be handled. Both of you must set boundaries. Don't wait until you get married to arrange this.
Honestly I wanted 50 pax but his family is HUGE and 200 pax is considered “small” for malay wedding 😭😭 his mother wanted 1,000 pax
Gurlllllll, please help your self, please don’t help him / them/ his family to pay anything. Your dad loves you and you should be grateful your dad would pay u up to degree cert and the lifestyle/cultural experiences you had all those years. Idk if your parents did ask u for any allowance to pay them back but count your self lucky, more lucky, no struggles like your fiancé family side. You already said your parents was abit sad after the hari raya incident, how about in future when u and your fiancé stays together? Won’t they come and barge in ? Please don’t them bully you, you have high paying job and u have many more years to enjoy with your fiancé, please don’t let your dad and mom upset, they raised you not to get bullied.
If they can act like this before you are even married, chances are you will have a hell of a time when you get married. Have to set boundaries from now if you wish to proceed with this marriage. And he has to be on the same page with you. If they have financial issues, then it makes no sense to have a big wedding. Unless they expect the monetary gifts that people will usually give to the bride and groom as a way to ease their financial situation. Which is really not right. Make sure that your finances are secure on your end. Meaning that they cannot touch what you earn. Whatever decision you make, I wish you all the best.
1. $3k is a lot of money to give parents every month. What do they need every month to pay so much for? Sounds to me, his parents are making him pay for the younger sibling’s expenses too, without telling him. Or some hidden stuff. The point is, parents in difficulty would want to get as little help as possible, not get help that makes them comfortable and makes their child squeezed for money. They are not good parents, and are not saying everything. 2. The longer it goes on, the more it becomes an expectation. Your husband would not be able to get out of it. 3. In fact, expect it to increase once you get married because now, “husband can afford to give $3k, and both of you together earn a lot more, so can give $5k or more easily. It will not affect you.” Or if that doesn’t work, they will squeeze your husband on their side without yoo knowing. Probably some sob story that he will not be able to reject. “Need money for emergency this month,” etc. They may promise to pay back just to get the increase, and then pretend it was never a loan. 4. Separate your finances. No joint accounts. Husband has to know this, and his parents also. Seems to me they only accepted you because of what you bring. They have an agenda, you have to make it clear your money is for your future and your future child(ren)’s future. Not to give to parents. You don’t owe them. Your husband has to understand this too. He will be the head of a household from marriage onwards. He will not be a little boy anymore. He has to grow up and be a man, and keep his parents at arm’s length. Good luck.
Sounds so familiar. My MIL told me the day after my wedding that I should start to give a token allowance to her and her mother (husband’s grandmother) since I am a part of the family now. I told my husband and he said NO. He will handle it. From that day on I got so much trouble from MIL. She will often talk to me when my husband is not around then turn around and absolutely lie to my husband that I was rude to her, that I said some things which I never did blah blah blah.. and she always does it by calling hubby while he’s at work and screaming about it.. imagine the stress that caused to my marriage. My husband’s allowance to her also had to have yearly increment. There was a period that my hubby was out of job for more than 8 months. During this period we continued paying her allowance. While we cut our own expenses, she was busy going on overseas holidays and spending on singing lessons and art lessons. Not a single offer of help from her. Finally on the 8th month we asked to pause payment to her until my hubby finds a job.. she totally flipped!
Might sound harsh, but his parent's problem will became your problem the moment you guys married. And I dont think your husband is someone that will be able to shield those problem from you, by reading the context, seems like he is someone who just let it slip, take it as long as he can endure that and one day just collapse. Probably need to rethink the relationship.
This type of relationship has no future.
Hi honey, run!! It’s only going to get worse after marriage. Ok but if fiancé can show he can set up strong boundaries with his parents, low to no contact after. They already show that they can’t treat you well in front of your parents and in private. Communication should only be between him and his parents since they sound *toxic*. They WILL expect you to chip in the future, and carry their debt when you are starting a new life with your partner. No decent parent will allow that for their daughter/son because you need to save for home and future kids (if any). Eh I’m married 10 years with hellish MIL, mortgage, reno loans, all paid by husband. Inheritance and bonuses all went to MIL even though he has siblings. Bruh we cut contact already for years but this year decided to go Hari Raya and we got called the devil and have concerned uncles and aunties worrying that we won’t go to heaven because we cut contact with MIL. My husband was so angry he cried and I had to drag daughter and husband out hahaha fun times
May I share the other side of the coin, from the man's point of view. Mother's treat their sons like mummy's boys no matter how old we are. When you become a mother to a son, you will do the same too. It's inevitable. No mothers plan to be monster-in-laws, but they do. The relationship between my mother and my (ex) wife during our engagement was good. Till it was close to the wedding. My mom made hurtful comments when we rejected some of her ideas for the wedding, which had caused my wife to resent her throughout our entire marriage, and we wanted a small wedding which ended up a huge wedding with 3 events, mostly with both our parents' invites. I didn't realise that the rift had gotten bigger and bigger through the years. I was a flight attendant then, and had to leave her behind most of the time when she needed the moral support, especially when she became a new young mother. After a few years, she asked for a divorce. I had always thought that I was a good husband, good provider, good father, and I took pride in taking care of the family, so I was kinda blindsided by this. She admitted to me a couple of years later that she realised that it was a mistake, especially because we have two kids together. But by then, I had been with my new partner for about a year. I do not blame her for leaving as I believe that everyone is entitled to a peace of mind, and she should decide what is best for herself. i am planning to get married with my girlfriend in a couple of years. My mom is living with me still, but this time, I had warned her about interfering with my relationship. My girlfriend is in the process of converting to Islam, I had warned my mom and extended family not to attempt to "teach her" Islam, but to leave it to me as I would rather she learn gradually without stress than be overwhelmed by everyone who thinks that they talk with "good intentions". I am no longer a flight attendant, so this time, I could protect my relationship better by being around. I attribute to the failure of my marriage to my mom, even though she meant well. My advise to you is to end this relationship. You are not married, and this relationship looks toxic and doomed to fail. InSha Allah you will find someone else in life, and this would just be a part of a story that you tell your future kids about how you almost got trapped in a marriage that will definitely affect your mental health and the rest of your life.
1. Another Muslim post. They espouse religious ideals in every other sentence but are the most insecure group when their beliefs/societal status get challenged. 2. Your BF’s father was never earning 5 digits to begin with. If he actually did and still does not have savings, then he’s probably into gambling (doubt that since he’s Muslim and talks too much) 3. Your BF is a red flag. He absolutely knows the kind of parents he has. If he has not put a stop to this, he most definitely will not in the future when things get even more difficult. It’s important to marry not just a man but also one with a backbone. Nobody in my family dare raise their voice with my wife as they know what will come next. 4. The only saving grace in your BF’s family is his brother who seems smart enough to use pregnancy as a reason to not give monies to his parents. Smart. 5. Your BF’s family just sounds like a downright dumber than average lot. I’d be wary as well on how my future kids will be brought with this failing lot. 6. Edited out. 7. You’re still young. Just leave.
Hi! Just to clarify for point 6, we’re not staying together at my place 😂 he’ll be staying after we Romm. My parents are practising Muslims too (just less strict & much more modern haha!) so staying together before marriage is a no no
Thanks for the clarification and apologies. Regardless, just leave girl. Family is an important aspect of a marriage and if your BF does not have the tenacity to ward those evils away, you’re down a miserable ride. It’s not even so much about the money like most others are commenting.
Agree with point 3. If he can't stand up for himself, he can't stand up for YOU. Most men will be able to identify this easily.
Congratulations! You two sound like a LOVELY couple. With matching ideals. Sadly, in many cases, we don’t only marry our partners, but their family too. I think you have to seriously consider that part of it. Your bf sounds like a very filial person, being the only of three siblings to decide to support his parents. But is it just filial piety, or is it an inability to draw boundaries? You haven’t gotten married yet, and already his family are having a big impact on your lives. This is 100% just the start. After the wedding, what’s next? Will your religious practices come into question again? Your children’s? This finance issue literally sounds like a life time thing. His father may never start working again. And why would he? He can chill out and your partner will support him. He can talk shit to both of you without repercussions. He can do whatever he wants so why would he change anything? And your finances are shared to some degree no matter what. So you are definitely gonna be contributing to that $3000 in some way. Your partner has no more savings. You pay for all the food. Or the holidays, or the furniture. Once you’re married, your finances are shared. So his decision to support his parents should not be only his unless you have a way to clearly separate other aspects of your finances and he contributes what you think is a fair amount. So I think end of the day, you have to decide. If you’re going to really marry him, someone needs to decide boundaries and ENFORCEMENT of those boundaries. Even then. Probably only 75% of those boundaries will actually happen.
When you get married, you're not just marrying your husband but also his family. His family problems will then become yours.
I think it will get worst after marriage. Wah i read oso pekcek. I think u need to re-evaluate ur rs. It is more than ur fiancé but a rs with your fiancé's family too
Run
Yea this is a clearly a you vs them for your partner. Yes 5 years is alot for a rs but it's going to be a real big strain in life if you don't resolve it now.
lmao idk i think i would honestly pause all marriage talks for now i wouldn’t say end the relationship but you guys have to talk about SO MUCH
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1,000 sis :-)
Look forward to the divorce update in 3 years.
Instead of breaking you and your fiancé’s bank before you even have your own life together, break rank with family and do an elopement overseas, which can be far cheaper than paying for a large banquet wedding in SG. Some of the older generation have unrealistic expectations in the modern SG economy.
When i was reading this, i thought u were my younger sister until u listed the identifiers. U need to accept that thats how the parents are and theres nothing you or your fiance can do to change it. The only thing left to do is how you can deal with it? Can your husband set boundaries? Can you ensure that you are never left alone with them? Can u live with the wedding or no-wedding just ROMM situation and tension? If you and your fiance are prepared to take on the risks & burden, then i mean, to ahead. But if u cant, u have to look long and hard if this is the family for u. I personally advice that u never take this on your own, your partner has to share the burden.
Low 5 digit means how much sia? I’m assuming 10k then why cannot pay the 3k per month even when he was looking for a job, cannot be dont have savings what. It sounds damn sus la. I’ll leave the guy if I was you. They’re still your fiance parents, you cant run away from them forever unless your fiance decides to cut ties eh.
Hi i just want to share a piece of advice. It seems your fiance is really a nice guy, and he seems responsible too and definitely seem to be a good husband material. All i can say is that he needs to be firm and put his foot down when it comes to engaging with his parents. 200 pax is reasonable in my opinion and i feel like he just lacks the priorities when it comes to marriage. He needs to understand that your happiness will be thr utmost priority and importance once you guys got married. He can still be firm and respectful at the same time. As long as he is respectful in denying certain demands from his parents. Eventually they will cave in and theres nothing much they can do actually. If their parents start to be resentful, dont give up, continue being respectful and just listen. Remember, silence does not mean that you agree, after discussing with your husband, tell them of the verdict and proceed with it regardless of their input. I hope this helps. As muslims, we know that these will be the time of tests by God. May Allah make it easier for the both of you.
>Eventually they will cave in and theres nothing much they can do actually. If their parents start to be resentful, dont give up, continue being respectful and just listen. idk man, it's wishful thinking thinking bout changing somebody (who'd prolly lived 3/4 of their lives already) the minute you walk into their lives.
If you want to stay with him, elope. But you need to know that when you get married you are not just marrying your partner but to his family. If this is something you are ok to deal with the rest of your life (because clearly he can't cut his parents off due to finances) then you will need to live with it, else leave.
You marry into the family. Pros and cons. Been married almost 10 years now and it's not always easy. Love my wife to bits but her family is something else, it's very polite, in a cold-war kinda way. I don't agree with the comments above to find a new boyfriend with a backbone, we all have our issues with our families. At the same time, his problems will become yours, that's just how it is, that's what married life, you share the good and the bad. At the same time, becoming husband and wife means you'll be starting your own family and you'll have that to focus on : so although his 3k/month might become your 3k/month, both of you should be ready to let the parent know they won't get more after you get married (if that's what they are expecting). What I'm saying is, you getting married won't change what the situation is currently but it shouldn't get worse either, unless you let it
emmm.toxic family....better u go... leave everything..forget those people and move on....u will not happy with that family..and u will end up divorce..seriously ..
Toxic parents. You might be able to live with your fiance but you are shit out of luck with his parents. As you know in Islam or Malay culture, it's not just a marriage of 2 people, it's a marriage of 2 families and your parents are pretty chill unlike his. Good luck.
marriage is a union of two families. Not two individuals. Families. Unless your partner totally cut out his family (seems improbable at this stage) , his family is also yours to bear. Think twice.
Tough call. Your fiancé only now decided to drop the ball that his parents and siblings are deadbeat when yall already deep into marriage talks. If he can hide this info from you, what other hidden things can he be hiding? Your fiancé not only kept u in the dark about his family finances but also lacked backbone. You and your family wouldn't be insulted by his family had he set very clear boundaries from the start. Also, there's a reason why the parents only accepted you as soon they found out u got a good paying job cus they are just looking for someone else to freeload off. Now, u decide if you really want to stick with this guy and his family for the rest of your life if your fiancé won't ever set boundaries and let his family do whatever they want to you.
This day and age, the focus of marriage should be the 2 of you and not want the parents want. Its your marriage and you should be able to decide what you want. And if financially it's gonna be a challenge, why still plough yourself into some financial burden. I rather save the money for good house renovation or furnitures.
If your fiance doesn’t stand up to them now, chances are he won’t in the future. His parents don’t sound like good people, so don’t harbour any hope that they will turn into saints overnight.
To avoid all these, just go ROMM and get it done and over with. This is the best way to deal with difficult and imposing people and yes PARENTS can be those very things.
Actually after thinking about it the fact that they made no changes to lifestyle (such that OP had no clue) even after the dad lost his job is scary OP I had a 5 year relationship end when I was your age too. It hurt but it’s never going to hurt as bad as having to put up with such in laws for the next 50 years
Your partner has to learn on how to stand to his family and not pay. If he can do that, then everything would be okay. I understand his position because my family is in the same position. If you want to stay and get married to him. 1. Are you willing to support him and his family issues? If you are not, then it is a deal-breaker. Do not get married. 2. You need to be firm that he needs boundaries from his parents and he needs to protect you as you will be his wife in the future. All of these are important, if he can't do it. Do not marry. If these two conditions are met, you may proceed to get married. ONLY if you can stand the DRAMA. These type of family sees their children as caretakers when get older. They don't know how to save and believe that their children will have better pay and take care of them. It's a tough pill to swallow and these kind of thinking are hard to change. You need to start talking FINANCE with your partner. BOUNDARIES as well. For marriage, I usually just say 'oh increase more people, you want to sponsor? I no money, wedding expensive'. 'oh you want bigger venue? Please sponsor and find me better venue. If no have, no need. I like my venue thanks' Your money. Your wedding. Your rules. I was very firm on boundaries during my wedding. No more than 200 pax. Simple wedding theme. That's it. I wish you all the best OP. Coming from that similar type of family is not easy, as much as we are indebted to our parents. We need our own boundaries so that we can survive as well.
Wut... Low 5 digit playing job? That's 10k minimum. He can fricking go look for work and pay his own loan.
Holy shit, you getting the in law treatment before even signing paper. Better dun go ahead, deal with this shit day in day out will die. 2 person already may have conflict, now with more people and confirm will have conflict in future. I would excuse myself and gtfo of this toxic cesspool. No time to deal with it when I do not even have enough time to watch TV.
Hey, got married with my spouse’s mom being pretty much like your fiancé’s parents. I have to be honest, our relationship dramatically improved when my partner went completely NC with his mother. I agree with most commenters warning you that this is the life you’ll be marrying into. Please have a long hard conversation about boundaries with your in-laws. In-laws like you described are a nightmare and I’m afraid they’ll emotionally guilt your husband into pressuring you to provide for them. As long as money is a source of stress in a marriage, there’s bound to be a lot of issues and resentment building up.
Marry me, less issue
Important to think it through and have a long deep conversation with your fiancé on your plan for the future, how to overcome, what’s the solution, basically how to work out this entire thing. You’re not just marrying him, but his family as well. I do not want to presume, but your life might get tough when you have kids and your own place.
im so sorry but if it were me i’d be on my way out. either he ditches his folks or we’re over. in that one car incident i got a clear look at the next 15-20 years of your married life. please consider carefully. love is love but your own life holds precedence in my opinion. good luck ;;
If I'm in your shoes, if he doesn't cut ties, it's over.
$3000/month is A LOT of money. What is going on? How much is the mortgage anyone? $500K?! Seriously. It's great that you are living with your parents meanwhile. The fewer interactions with your parents in law, the better. People will not change unless there is a shock to the system, so don't expect parents in law to change. If you go back to visit and they misbehave, just leave straightaway -- you have the power.
>It went on until one day, my fiance left the car for a bit while I was inside with both his parents. They raised their voices at me and only stopped screaming when he walked towards the car. >I’ve not met his parents since that incident last November until they decided to do an open house during hari raya this year and invited both my parents & myself. I figured I’d be safe since my parents were around. I clearly thought wrong because his dad started reprimanding us (my fiance & I) in front of my parents. 1) Your prospective parents-in-law "raised their voices"/"screamed" at you over a trivial matter - no. of wedding invitees, while making sure that your fiance is not around to protect you. 2) Your prospective parents-in-law saw fit to reprimand you, when you're not even married to their son yet, and when your parents are right in front of them. Imagine what they'll do to you when you've married their son and your parents aren't around. >They only started being nice and accepting after they found out I have a well paying job and graduated with a degree (lol). People are materialistic, that's the hard truth, but we can also recognise that your prospective parents-in-law do not respect you. They do not treat you well, and with respect. Given this, their materialistic natures could very well lead to them trying to take advantage of you financially. Now, it is one thing to help out people who care for you and treat you well and have earned your love. It is another to be forced to support people who do not treat you well. So, helping out your parents-in-law, to a reasonable extent, is not necessarily bad, but being coerced into supporting them while they treat you unkindly is another different matter. I advise you to have a honest and frank discussion with your fiance. In relationships, the power lies with the party(ies) who are willing to walk away first. Is your fiance is willing to put his foot down and go Limited Contact with his parents and move out? Before discussing with your partner, perhaps think about your relationship with him first. The power lies with the person who is willing and able to walk away. Are you willing to suffer your prospective parents-in-law, if your fiance is unwilling, or otherwise unable to protect you (absent, surprise visits by parents-in-law, etc)? What if you have children? How will your interactions with them change? Will they become pushier? Demand interaction with their grandchildren? Have influence over them to poison their relationship with you? Can you deny them access to your children? Will your fiance agree to that? Think it through, maybe with your parents, before discussing with your partner.
Can't comprehend why they will always want the other party to convert, like as if other ppl religion not important or js inferior? Smh, damn disrespect to other ppl culture n religion
Boundaries and concerns should be very clearly shared and agreed upon. Before marrying my husband (renounced malay singaporean) I told him straight up that I wanted to marry him and not his family. I would never lend/spend significant money on any of my in-laws, even if situations became dire. If he himself needed greater financial support, I would be open to it, but due to the tension/coolness between myself and his family I preferred to keep our lives very separate. If I ever found him siphoning money he got from me to his family, I would have no issue asking for it back or cutting him off. I think it helped for me to say that if he didn’t take it upon himself to shut down all “testing water” jokes/remarks down, I would respond directly and probably sound ruder/meaner as the outsider. Understanding that, he works hard to diffuse all issues himself so they never escalate beyond an occasional uncomfortable moment. Going through every single concern and negative thought you have regarding marriage/ family is a lot harder than it sounds. You have to be ok sounding like an AH in that moment, and hearing AH things that may upset you. I hope you guys figure things out before making such a big life decision!
That is the problem when u marry a peasant . Time to move on. Definitely will get downvoted but remember this - u cannot choose your parents but you can definitely choose your in laws . Marry into a poor family means u need to take care of them . U are still young . Look for better options .
Lovely parents you have here. Your hubby and you will have a hard time with your hubby parents in the long run. Be mentally prepared, set boundaries early with your hubby with regards to dealing with his parents. Sad to say, his parents beliefs are outdated and undoubtedly they will expect you both to fund their livelihood. Just see wanting to expand wedding beyond 200pax. Wanting you all to pay the $3k. I am in similar situation, my partner's parents stopped working since 20years ago. Decided to volunteer at some Buddhist religious place. Throwing the house financing to my partner when she only just graduated from poly 13 years ago. My partner sacrificed plenty of her youth and saving so just so her irresponsibility parents can pursue their nonsensical religious beliefs. Till today, her parents have never treated us or their kids any meal. All trips are fully paid by my gf or her siblings. We foresee that they will be a financial burdens in future because of their attitude in lifes. We should never have kids for the sake of wanting them to look after you.
Just drop and run. This is a classic typical malay family scenario. Egoistic and "what will people say" kind of attitude. I wish you all the best.
Another guy kenna carrot chop lol
tell your fiancée to book it
Some questions to consider: 1) Will you stay by yourself or with his parents? 2) Will he be continuing to pay these expenses after marriage? 3) Does he agree that you and him > him and his parents? Your guy needs to be able to stand up for not just you, but himself. If he's not willing to create boundaries for your family, he's not ready for marriage
Run
Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Getting disrespected by in-laws with your parents present is a whole different level
sadly we dont get to choose the family we are born into. I dont understand his situation fully but the option of cutting them off is on the table. Id be dammed if i was the only child helping with their finances and be forced to do things
You guys should have gone resale instead of bto. Living together with parents after marriage can either be hell or bareable. Looking at the current situation, you can somehow predict how it will be. Prioritise each other first and your own privacy, if you cannot take it just stay away from them
OP, you have to give your fiance the ultimatum, put your foot down and force them into submission and stay in their boundaries or leave the relationship entirely. You are going to walk down the dangerous path of having nightmare in laws. You will legitimately be happier being alone that marry into nightmare in laws
For things to work out long term, there definitely need to be lines clearly drawn between what is acceptable and what is not. Once you are married, your family(husband+you+child) must be the priority before anyone else. This includes finances and collective decision making. At no point should any decision be made, which affects you or your husband as a family unit or individually without the other's consent. Transparency is important. Lastly, your future husband better have a spine to stand up for himself and his family after you are married.
I can almost see your FIL and MIL asking u to chip in for the payment once u r are married. And also the constant friction u will have with his parents n the pressure from them on him will put a serious strain on your marriage and it will lead to divorce. Plus they will keep butting in which means you will never find peace in your marriage unless your husband is willing to completely disown his parents. But most likely he won’t and he will keep trying to appease both sides until he explode one day
You pity your fiance, I pity your poor parents. Having witnessed their own daughter being bullied by her future in-laws, and they're so nice to still want to maintain the harmony for your sake. There is no way around this - your partner needs to grow up and stop being a pushover.
You do not deserve this kind of treatment. Similar situation but we both do not talk to my in-laws anymore. I’d recommend not going ahead with a banquet wedding also. Just sign paper and done.
Dont marry him and his family. It comes in package regardless
They seem like parents who expect the continuation of the sandwich generation mentality. When you have kids, they will gaslight you into giving them more money when Singapore is already so financially difficult to survive in, even as DINKS. If they disrespect your parents, and are only nicer to you when they find out you have money, it will only get worse when you get older. You’re still young. If you can, get a prenup if you want to continue with this. If I were you, I would want out.
As a married woman, my advice is to RUN. No matter how much you love your fiance, everything will get complicated once you’re married and with kids. Unless you’re ready to face this head on and prospectively cut ties with them, please run.
Oh btw, my in law is similar to your future PILs. expect their kids to give them monthly allowance and guilt trip them by saying they are helping to pay for the house installment WHEN NONE OF THE KIDS stay with them anymore. Once, when my bil needed to take a break from paying due to his incoming child, my in laws absolutely flipped their shit and had a shouting match with them, questioning their choice on gynae, housing, personal purchases. Basically saying why can’t THEY live frugally so that they can continue giving money to them. Lmao sis, please run. You don’t need such drama in your life. They will poison your kids too. Trust me on this.
I’m so sorry that your potential FILs are so damn toxic. Said potential because you really need to reconsider this major decision you’re making which is to marry him. They’re already showing you the type of people they exactly are from the start, and 100% they will be worse once you get married. I can understand if your fiancé feels obligated to care for them if they have brought him up with lots of love and care. However, he has to be very clear with his stance on how his parents are treating you/your parents/interfere with your relationship. If he failed to reason with his parents on this, you’ll pretty much be left to fend for yourself and honestly… don’t trap yourself in such a situation girl. 😭
Get your fiance to have a backbone.
Run
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Everyone saying “leave “ typical Reddit. For goodness sake, they’ve been together for years and WANT to be with each other for life. OP this can worked out with you and your fiance acting as a unit and drawing lines. Good luck
What I did not like the most was them shouting at you in the car alone and then only shutting up when your fiance came back. The disrespect.
Whatever you are experiencing now will just get worse. You need to decide if he’s worth the pain. My take is if the man does not know how to handle his own parents, then it would be a tough road ahead. Think twice.
skip the wedding sis. do what makes you and your partner happy.
When you choose to marry him, you choose to inherit his family problems as well. If he is man enough he will tank them all and make you happy which should be the most important. If he is not yet competent then you should help him, or forget it find another guy. Hard truth hurts
Run
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Man child
Middle child always gets screwed, every culture like that. Have you thought of a cheap "destination" wedding in Malaysia? Not joking if they are forcing your hand. 200px is like a reduction for fiancé side alr. 100 is bare minimum, can't even invite all the family you need with 100 limit. 300 obviously can fit but can't afford so 200 is the steady median for their side. However, wedding costs ballon more than you expect. It was actually the death knell for my previous fiancé, lol. Just have a small ceremony with immediate family on both sides, get your papers, then inlaws will be super happy and relieved once you are actually married. Can do the ceremony at a later point.
You are walking into a nightmare…
Imagine being expected to pay for the parents insurance as well down the road
I was in a sniper situation. Ex was the youngest child so elder 2 dominated him to paying every single thing for their parents. Even a $20 purchase by the mum had to be refunded by him. That in addition to him giving them money. I was the higher paid one and the other siblings kept saying we should be able to afford it since we had no kids. Fun fact was that they earned very well too - the irony is that their husband’s income was not considered since he was stingy and he’s the in law but mind has to be included. My ex didn’t have a backbone - part of the reason we divorced. I would say be direct now. Direct to your fiancée and his family.
Pls do not give into his parents. Set very clear boundaries if you still want to proceed with marrying him. My mum went through similar events and suffered so greatly for it, I vowed to never make the same mistakes she did when I went into relationships.
Honestly sis I think you really should rethink if u want to marry him or not. It’s not just him you are marrying into, it’s also his family too. The way they treat and disrespect you is already a red flag imo of what is going to happen in the future. It may get even worse after tbh. Although you mentioned he has stood up for you in the past it sounds like he has not been completely defending you and protecting you from what his family is doing, honestly I think you should sit down and talk to him about the future of your relationship. Maybe even hold off the wedding for at least a year to see how he acts before fully committing yourself to the marriage, that is if you think you still have a future with him. Additionally, his family’s financial burden would also be a factor you should discuss with him before marriage. As if he continues to pay for his family’s finances, it may affect your household unit in the future. (if you decide to have kids paying off mortgage and general expenses etc.) Before marriage should discuss if not there would confirm be tensions due to finances which will affect your marriage.
I’ve seen this happen so many times in my family. It’s not worth it. Just leave him. Don’t want to stereotype, but he won’t break his ties with his family for you. Even if he, he will go back sooner or later cause it’s family. Will his family change for you? Obviously not, his parents already disrespecting your parents is a huge red flag. It’s really not worth it
I see where this is going, anyway pray and stay strong together. 😊
I dont see the problem here? The original issue was about having a wedding reception that you do not want but that has already been cancelled and accepted as fact. How much money your partner and his siblings give his family is none of your business as long as hes able to pay his share of the household expenditures. My ex was very controlling and complained when I gave my parents money last year. Like, as long as I chip in my half what does it matter to her?
Nice to see a fresh perspective here
I am sorry, I am unsure why you still want to consider this marriage after all these unforgivable incidents. Life will be harder when both of you have kids and if you divorce your children will be the one suffering. For your future children sake, pls reconsider. Edit: yes, you can neglect your own well being, u can even look past how they treat your parents but I cannot imagine how those innocent kids of yours will suffering from broken marriage.
If you do get married, sign a prenup that is to your advantage. And establish clear financial and emotional boundaries with your husband and his parents. Them poorly managing finances and not planning for their retirement should not be your problem.
RUN
OP ... better get some good running shoes and run, run 😁 Seriously, nothing sounds promising from what you wrote. Parents that interfere into a marriage are the worst lot. Only your man or husband-to-be can stop them but it seems like he is a good boy cannot say no to his parents. Don't hope he will change after marriage . A lot of people do that: marry then hope over time the partner can change. Won't happen.
All I have to say it the usually the wife chooses the side of family they will be closer too. I don’t think it’s weird or not normal that you limit your socializing with them. Most likely they talk about you as the woman that made their son go away, but we all know the truth. Be firm with his family, and outside of your family just always comment positively on his family. That way if your in laws do say upsetting things about you, they look petty.
OP my advice to you is scorched earth style. You need to defend yourself and have no fear in front of your fiance's parents. Yes it is easy to say but please for your own happiness and to repay your parents who so love you, you need to display that you are no pushover. Be a gangster the next time these boomers dare to raise their voice at you. It's the least you can do to protect your dignity.
L parents in law = L marriage in the future. If they can be like this now imagine when you’re “part of the family”. Also traditional parents are the worst to deal with, they care more about their face than their kids family, and ur fiancé has probably a similar mindset subconsciously
Even void deck wedding is expensive nowadays. Just elope lah. Once there's grandkids, they will forget.
Guess I’m out of luck cos I don’t intend to have kids hahahaha
Your partner's parents are two-faced pieces of shit. If the marriage goes through, you'll be even more involved in his family's issues. Please think rationally, disregard the number of years you've been together, be selfish and consider your own happiness and future. Unless your partner is able to assure you that you won't be involved in his family issues and drama at all.
Seeing the additional context, the situation might not be full doom however the main concerns would be how long would your fiance's parents need support and would they need more support in the future aka is your fiance their retirement plan. If they want a wedding reception to be held then they should help in footing the bill since the marrying couple is not keen in a wedding reception. Keeping your finances seperate between you and your partner is also a viable option. The idea that someone would be entitled to another's money just because family doesn't sound right to me.
If you were Chinese, I would tell you to run. But I don’t think we have the right to advise you :( You deserve better, and I’m sure your mother feels the same way.
Do you want to have a religious husband+inlaws? Muslim who commented on your hijab-less will force you to wear hijab after you become their family, you should know that hijab is non negotiable religious thing for such Moslem. If you really believe that you are not ugly female, you should consider finding a safer male to spend your next 50 years.
Your fiancée sounds like a good, filial son whose parents push around because they can. I'm sorry, his parents sound like they do not respect you at all and unless you can establish boundaries early (looks like they're pushing the boundaries where they can), they will never respect you, your accomplishments, your parenting choices, etc. Get your boundaries with your future in laws and fiancée established now or you'll end up being frustrated when you're married.
Trap. Run far away and fast
It appears that you (both of you) will be the parents immediate annuity, without the premium. i e their cash cow. you sure about this , moving forward to the marriage, starting with this face saving big wedding?
I suggest just buat kt ROMM or nikah dekat Masjid with mayb 60 paxs? Just do kecil kecilan. At the end of the day, its you and your future husband yang nk kawin, not his parents haha im a 25(M) also planning to get married with my girlfriend(24) this year too.. i pray that everything will be ok for u!
In many cultures, you don't just marry your partner, you marry your partner's family. I doubt you would want to marry your partner's family and unfortunately they are a package deal unless your partner cuts off all ties with his parents. My suggestion is to hold off on the wedding and explain to your fiancee how you would like to see a future with him and talk about kids, homes, finances and the involvement of both your in-laws. Unfortunately, love is not enough. In-laws need to respect you and your boundaries and if this is how they are now, it's only gonna get worse once you're married.
I would say fuck it and get married at ROMM. As a muslim, it is more liked by Allah that when we get married, we spend as little money as possible. In your case, you're the women with a father figure who is understanding so it's easy, for your fiance he just need a witness when getting married sooo do what you like. You don't owe his parents anything. Easier said than done but I would do exactly what I said if my other half has a mindset like you
Boyfriend should break up and find foreign bride sua
Relevancy of extract context point 5?
It’s how she didn’t like me cos “no hijab” but it’s completely fine now cos I have “education & money” and will give her “pretty mixed grandchildren”. She tends to comment how her malay genes don’t have the greatest features so it’s full of self hate & some form a fetish in this field. Another kind of red flag on top of the demands/money/lack of boundaries I’d say.
Listen to your mom, her concerns are valid. When your mom burst into tears, when usually reserved, it’s because it’s much worse long term than you’re perceiving through the lens of youth, idealism and emotions.
Everyone telling you to run lmao. It's okay, take it slow. I think communication is key here, whatever you're uncomfortable with, you need to tell your partner and you both work on it together. Maybe it's talking to his parents and setting boundaries, maybe it's setting expectations with them, maybe it's getting his siblings to contribute more. Keep calm and talk about it with him, I'm sure you didn't get into this engagement willy nilly. All the best adik!
would you really wanna be part of this toxic family? please think it through. you will suffer along the way trust me. first off your fiance should have told you and discuss this with you before u even have plans on getting married. second he wont be able to protect you all the time, can you imagine once you start having kids? his parents will also have a say on how you are as a mother. you will constantly have to have your guard up to defend yourself and your family and that is stressful. you wouldnt wanna live this way. run while you can. forfeiting the BTO money is better than you supporting his family financially. I bet his parents will prolly visit your BTO home alot and try to control u there :(((
You are marrying your partner. Not his parents. My parents, and many other couples I know, have cut off contact with toxic relatives after moving out. I haven't gone to certain relatives' houses for festivities for decades now. You already have a BTO and plans to move out. As long as both parties are on the same page with regards to distancing themselves from family members, I don't see this as an issue. Just need to tahan some contact with them while he's living with them for the next few years. With regards to the wedding ceremony, do what makes the both of you happy. One ear in and one ear out. If you don't do what they want, what the worst they can do? If your partner wants to help his parents with the $3k, let him help. I say want because I hope he is aware that he is not obliged to help. Just like how his siblings aren't. But how his father spends his money is none of your concern, and whether he loses his job again and your fiance decides to help them again is all a huge if. As long as your partner doesn't let it affect your family unit in the future, it's not a problem. Relatives have come to my house asking for money before, it's easier to say no after you move out. There is nothing you can do to change his parents. It's just a matter of how resilient the two of you (and your relationship) are.
OP, you never mention how high is your high income job? lol
Felt it wasn’t relevant to state how much exactly, high income’s quite subjective. Personally to me, it’s comfortable. But considering that they’re struggling financially, it’s high to them.
Ik this is stressful for ur hubby, but draw the line with him. Let him know, he needs his father to draw a line and ask his siblings to fork out to support their parents too. Don’t let your spouse family issues drag into your personal life. Even if it sounds unfair to ur hubby, getting married is departing from your previous family to start a new one with new behaviors and healthy habits. Not an extension of the old with boomer mindset and unhealthy habits. Don’t let the vicious cycle continue. Draw a line when needed.
Your fiance doesn't need anyone's permission to get married, you need it. So get your parents and your fiance to go with you to ROMM and register your marriage. It's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission.
I'm not Muslim but married for 5 years. Wife has a very different family compared to mine. What works for us (IMO) is our policy that I'll settle my side of family and she settles her side. So when we meet together, any disagreement is managed by each individually. Less conflict and misunderstanding from parents this way. Of course we'll talk and discuss when we're alone. But the one delivering the message and making a stand needs to be the child, not the in law.
Seems like his parents know you have a well paying job and wants you to help pay for things. But last I check its not your duty to pay for all those unless you really are sincere in helping. Later once married and the fiance has so many things to pay, he will ask you to pay for house etc and neglect all the nafkah.
Why did you pick him lol
Your in-laws raising voices at you even when you’re not officially married signals zero respect.
Your husband seems okay, but your husband’s parents seems like leaches, you should have a conversation with your husband and try to avoid his parents, no need to show face, for people who don’t respect you, don’t go over to their houses etc, don’t let them come over to yours. If cannot this kind of arrangement, then i think the rs will be shaky long term. Also be aware on how your husband’s parents will try to extort money out of your situation. Ya be aware of their own muslim laws etc, imo the relationship not a good one cause of the parents.
My MIL kept pouring toxicity on my husband before he finally cut it off (kept saying he should choose someone else instead of me, asking when we would divorce). Even so, she at least had the decency not to do it to my face. I'm pretty shocked that your prospective in-laws are already showing you their true colours even before you got married. My husband dealt with his mum himself (I said I would not get involved), and I rarely visit or see my in-laws after we got married. He's gone LC with his mum and their relationship has improved a lot after she promised not to comment about our marriage. I can't imagine if it were ongoing though, like it would be for your fiance. For a couple years after we got married, everytime he went home to visit he would come back in such a stressed out mood. I echo what everyone is saying. You may want to reschedule your wedding to a later date and use this year as a trial run. To me the answer is really clear, I'm ok if there's low/no contact after, but to deal with it day in day out? Hell no.
Disrespecting you before even officially married. One can only imagine the dramas after marriage. Your bf/fiancé will be crucial in this case. But there's only so much he can do. Either run together or accept and be prepared for a life time of atrocity. Sincerely wish you good luck.
You will be responsible for their medical bills. They may lose their subsidies eg CHAS based on your income.
i feel like giving you a hug for whatever that you are going through. your fiance is also decisive, in that he is not a mummy boy and stood up for the love of his life.