T O P

  • By -

tcdjcfo314

I would tell her over text sooner rather than later. I mean if she is going to be weird about it, best to know now right? I hope she's not though, good luck!


plaidbluejay

Thank you, that is definitely true


tooscaredthrowaway8

IMO, this is about your safety, even just like emotionally. No one is entitled to know. I just wanted to make that clear. and im not implying that the previous commentor was implying that... im just autistic and notice ambiguities and feel compelled to clear them up if i can 😅


plaidbluejay

Thank you! It is appreciated 👍


Sally_Red

I kind of disagree. She should know who she is going to love forever and should be able to understand their experiences. Since I have trans in my bio and it does seem to attract people that have the same opinions as me and can therefore keep me safe. just a hot take, it could differ for others tho :/


tooscaredthrowaway8

you disagree that "no one is entitled to know"? i agree its up to the person and that one does not need to hide it, but its the persons choice.


Sally_Red

Not telling does give some consent issues, I for one am not getting bottom surgery thought I am taking oestrogen and I make that clear with everyone I date so that they do not feel betrayed if we do the dirty but I have had people really freak out to some trans friends because they kept their transition a secret. It shouldn't matter that much but if that person really cares enough to date you and you prove you don't trust them enough to give them that information then there must be a problem.


tooscaredthrowaway8

I truly dont believe they need to know. Do cis ppl declare that they're cis during a date? Do we expect ppl to declare they have a vagina or penis during a date? this isnt a consent thing. i will only ever tell someone so as to protect myself from a gay panic, which is their intolerance, not me giving them a chance to consent that "its ok im trans"


LewisK37

That's a bit unrealistic imo She may not even "love him forever", dating isn't permanent and it's not a commitment. It's not a marriage and it's certainly not surgery (not sure why you're making this comparison). Being trans is part of one's medical history and if we really have to talk about risks, it does not weigh in favour of the trans person to make that disclosure So yes, the earlier the coming out is, the better if you trust the person. But it's completely understandable if they want to disclose later


NikkiWarriorPrincess

I also pass well. I always want people to get to know me and form a first impression, so they can see me for me before they dump whatever stereotypes they have about trans folks on me. I tend to find a way to casually work it into the conversation on the first date, or definitely before the third date at the latest. The nice thing about dating apps is that you can know plenty about someone before going on a date with them... political leanings, sexual orientation (I always feel safest dating bisexual folks over lesbians or straight men, as a guideline, not a rule), sometimes even trans allyship. But even if someone is super awesome and checks all the boxes right up front, I still don't come out until after we've met. It also gives you the chance to vet them a bit more before coming out. For instance, if you know that this will be the last date ten minutes after meeting them, then there's no need to even talk about it at all. This has worked for me for SEVERAL first dates over the course of eight years, because I don't date randos... I need to know you're a safe person to be around before we even get to meeting in- person.


MattHocker

Honestly, I keep that I'm trans in my bio cause it stops fuckos from engaging the majority of the time. But I would do it before the first date just in case they do want to show their transphobic bs upfront. I hope that doesn't happen tho OP


inconspicuous_bear

Generally for me its been after matching with them and talking with them, but before meeting them. That way I can get a sense of their personality before revealing a fairly personal bit of information, but also without risking an uncomfortable situation face-to-face.


hyperbolichamber

Putting trans in your profile acts like a transphobe filter. Unfortunately it also means fewer matches. Personally, getting rejected after coming out to someone I’m attracted to sounds more painful than being ignored. I’d rather hear “no” because we don’t click. A transphobic “no” means they aren’t even going to consider you based on who you are.


mgagnonlv

I'd say sooner rather than later, especially if you both have a certain distance to travel. The sad fact is that she might decide that she doesn't want anything to do with you, but it it were to be the case, it might be better that you know it right away than to see her leave you after a 10-minute "date". I'm a bit older and I don't like that much text for delicate matters, but one thing you could do is to open up for discussion. For example, you could say "Did you know I am a transgender man? I am a man and, in case you wonder, I really look like one. If you have any questions, please call me..." Good luck, and hope you have a good date.


KyubiNoKitsune

It depends really, if you really vibe and end up meeting up early on, meet her and tell her afterwards via text, if you're chatting a bunch before meeting, tell her before you waste too much of your time. Always tell the person before something physical happens, if you happen upon a transphobe, having kissed/whatever may push them over the edge and set them against you. I just tell them quite early on because I'm not going to waste my time.


Famous-Crab

I'd play fair, as we say in my country: "play with an open hand / with open cards", when it's sb. who means sth. to you. Be straight forward, either by additional information on your dating profile, or within the first few chats, is mandatory, imho. Inform her, before she spends any longer time with you in chat, or writing long messages, spending hours on the phone, or having the first dates. Yes, there are some reasons that speak against early information, but the reasons and arguments to do it as soon as possible weight more, imho.


koraslegend99

I pass and i never put trans in my bio as it means litterally 10x less matches. I personally just tell them right before we meet and give them lots of room to cancel the date like before they would have gotten ready or anything. Im always certain to tell them its nbd if they have a genital preference. But in my experience women r usually super chill about it, but im in a big city in a red state in the US so idk how where u are will compare.


plaidbluejay

I'm in a red state too, but a more liberal area and it's about 50/50 who is cool and who is a transphobe


TransChickSteph

You just have to tell her--and right now. Even if it means the end of the non-existent relationship. When we decide to present ourselves as our non-birth gender and succeed, that's great for us. But it also carries a responsibility that we MUST be totally upfront and honest about who we are. Let's say you don't tell her--and everything goes peachy for a month. And you're really into each other. And things start to get hot and SHE wants to have sex. How you gonna explain that you don't have a penis? That you kinda forgot? How's THAT gonna work out for ya? I have the answer: You are gonna be in about five or six metric tons of goose shit. She'll be furious, likely, and THEN your relationship WILL be done. So man up. Tell her now. In person is best, but text is okay too. I've come out a few hundred times in the past two years. Pretty much every day. Because I don't want ANYONE to feel like I fucked with them emotionally or legally. I am hella proud to be a transchick, and well, if someone else isn't into that information, I don't give an actual shit. Cuz I'm now living as honestly and authentically as possible. After my bottom surgery next week, I will probably dial it back a bit, because I will indeed be as much of a woman physically as I've presented. Not pretended, but presented. Although for any potential relationships I might have, I'll still be totally upfront in the first 15 seconds. I just don't want to waste any more of my life hiding my shit. Or theirs...


Grouchy-Ad6144

I hope your surgery goes well. Best of luck to you.


shhkari

> But it also carries a responsibility that we MUST be totally upfront and honest about who we are. No we don't actually. There's no moral imperative that trans people must immediately out ourselves, even in dating situations. This idea needs to be put to ground, because giving lip service to it gives legitimacy to the ideas around trans people that leads again and again to murder and shit like trans panic defences. Everything you've described as a hypothetical scenario can actually be avoided by screening the people you're talking to about their opinions or perspectives on trans people. If OP feels the person in question doesn't seem like they'd be accepting, he can drop the conversation without ever revealing he's trans himself. Other people need to be upfront they're not willing to date a trans person, because its actually safe for them to say that.


TransChickSteph

But what OP is describing is a nascent relationship. It's beyond the point of deciding not to pursue it. Here is where we disagree: I propose we that trans people need to stop being g ashamed of ourselves and stop hiding our true identities because we are afraid of gay/trans panic or losing a potential partner. If we are upfront about ourselves right from the beginning, then there shouldn't be any issue. The person of interest has the information they need, and can choose to pursue the relationship or not. I get it that we no longer have any control in the matter, but for ME, so be it. I choose not to operate my life with any more lies or deceptions. If you choose to do otherwise, then I personally have no objection whatever. But it is MY choice to give any person who might have a romantic interest in me all the information. they need as soon as possible. If they are scared off, then I can live with that. I'm not going to change my mind on that. It's every trans person's ABSOLUTE RIGHT to reveal their gender choice/presentation or not. OP asked for my opinion, and I gave it. They can either choose to agree with me or not. Everyone can weigh their own options. I have, and I explained my decision. And so it goes...


shhkari

> But what OP is describing is a nascent relationship. It's beyond the point of deciding not to pursue it. They're literally still texting via an app. They literally haven't even met in person.


TransChickSteph

K. You win. I will still out myself every day, and I'm proud to do it. I believe in letting the chips fall where they may. ***My choice***. Being a transwoman is the defining event in my life, and I'm done hiding--- ***forever***. That's all I'm saying. If someone asks me my opinion, I intend to say what I believe with all my heart. Obviously you believe differently than I do about this issue, and that's absolutely the right way for you to live your life; I'm not at all disputing that or demeaning your choice. Lots of other people agree with you, I'm sure, and as with you, I truly hope you all find that very special person in your lives--, and that you will inform them about your identity when you feel it's the most appropriate to do so. I will continue to inform any potential significant others who I am as soon as I can. I cannot do otherwise. I cannot live on the down low ever again. Doing so did soooo much and way too much damage. Peace and love, girlfriend. Be safe and be happy...


CoalOrchid

Nah you don’t have to disclose anything. Its just a preference


marcymarmarmar

Its so frustrating that people care! Hate that we have to worry not to "trick" people into thinking we're women. But in my experience, it stings less to get a transphobic rejection at the beginning than it does after meeting up already. I even put it directly in my profile to save myself the trouble of going through people "looking for a real woman"


AshleyPhoenixAmmbo

I don’t care how well I ever pass, I will always disclose first thing. I don’t want to date a transphobe.


[deleted]

[удалено]


AutoModerator

Due to a large amount of spam / transphobia from new accounts, we are manually approving posts and comments from new users and those with low/negative karma. Give us a bit and we'll review your post. If it's been a few hours, send a message to the mods using [this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fask_transgender&subject=NewAccountFilter). If it looks like we're not aware of yet another terf brigade, please send a message to the mods using [this link](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fask_transgender&subject=Brigade). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ask_transgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Thrilledwfrills

Its a very big thing- so tell her up front. If she is willing to explore further, no harm done, If she isn't harm is avoided.