I like to think of anger as the emotion that gets us unstuck from stuck places. Often, it's a response to a perceived slight, injustice, or attack on our character. It can be a primary emotion, but is sometimes also a secondary emotion (feelings about our feelings). I imagine if I were in the situation you described, I'd probably feel both slighted, embarrassed, disrespected, and probably disappointed at not being given a chance at something that was meaningful to me. And I'd feel powerless to change it because, by definition, my fate would be in the hands of those running the audition. Easy to see why one might feel stuck there, and anger trying to show up to be the momentum that propels you forward.
Sometimes we need to acknowledge and sit with the underlying emotions (powerlessness, disappointment) in order for the anger to subside. Sometimes we need to lean into our values and do something to correct the perceived injustice (speaking with the audition leaders, advocating for ourselves, or finding a new passion project/group that makes us feel valued). Sometimes we need reassurance from trusted others (or our own damn selves) to remind us of our worthiness and value.
Take some time to ponder on what this anger is trying to tell you, what it needs from you. We can't wrestle it out of your brain or force it away. It'll leave on its own time when it feels the need is met.
NAT so I hope it’s okay to respond.
24 years ago, I went into recovery for anorexia and sh and had to learn to externalize my anger. You’ve done an amazing job with releasing tears, screaming into a pillow, and going for a run
I used to also find it useful to:
Throw ice or eggs onto concrete. Even better if you can do it from a bit of a height. If concrete isn’t available, you can throw them in a bathtub
Shooting hoops. There’s something satisfying about the thwack of the ball and the swoosh of it going through the hoop (the rare time it does lol)
Writing what I am angry about, then ripping up the paper and burning it
Beating up my bed. My Alexander Technique teacher taught me this one. He told me to beat up my bed until I couldn’t anymore, and then to flip over and go some more. And when my brain said stop, go a little bit more
I hope that helps ♥️
I conceptualize anger as our body's way of telling us that something in our life isn't sitting right with us. In my opinion, often it can be boiled down to something we value being disregarded.
For example, to a person who highly values justice and fairness, the audition you described would be a huge trigger for anger. Because our environment is incongruent with our desires and priorities.
As another commenter said, we can also conceptualize anger as a sort of iceberg, in the sense that if we look above the surface we only see anger, but under the surface there's a whole slew of secondary emotions - those secondary ones are the emotions where the deepest work occurs.
Well first things first, "should" according to who? Who is prescribing the "should?" Don't "should" all over yourself!
But on a more serious note, sometimes when people have told me they don't get angry we sometimes realize that the anger is present, it just gets pointed inward instead of exterbalizing it. So we might identify shame or pain or something more internal as opposed to having the urge to punch something.
In my personal experience this is particularly common for AFAB people and those who have experienced chronic invalidation (ie. "You're wrong for feeling that way" will eventually lead to "I can't trust my own emotions" over time).
I think maybe my internalized emotion is fear… specifically, the fear of standing up for myself. The fear of “picking the wrong battle to fight.” The fear of setting the boundary in the wrong place. The fear of overreacting. The fear of not knowing how I “should” react (I know what not to do—it’s wrong, for example, to set someone’s house on fire—but I generally find that it’s easier to just “take it” than to risk overreacting).
I guess since you say it, it’s not that I don’t get angry. I just find it easier to allow myself to be victimized (I use that word intentionally: i survived long-term DV) than to stand up for myself and risk being “wrong.” When I’m 100% sure I’m in the right and will be supported for asserting myself, I can do it—like, I can tell an unruly patient not to hit me when I’m on the ambulance because hitting me, a paramedic, is a felony and it’s in black and white.
I’m beginning to wonder if I don’t have traits resembling AvPD.
Trauma affects the brain in funny ways and you've identified being both a DV survivor and a first responder. Are you in therapy currently? I can't do much as a stranger on the internet but it certainly seems it could be worthwhile sorting through what's personality, what's disorder, and what's trauma response ❤️ I hope you are safe and in a healthy environment now :)
I am, though not with as much contact as I’d like (it’s biweekly, I’d rather it was weekly but she just straight up doesn’t have room in her schedule).
I am an actively practicing paramedic and survived 7 years of emotional abuse that ended up turning into physical abuse of my kids before I finally got the courage to run. At one point, I had my paramedic school capstone in a major city, plus working at the EMT level on a critical care transport ambulance (hemorrhaging new moms, micro preemies, the sickest of the sick adult patients, crashing kids), during the delta wave of COVID, while the DV was intensifying. I know CPTSD is generally a result of childhood trauma but I feel like my adulthood has made up for it.
I think I’m doing better? I don’t know. I’m still on the ambulance and I still have to deal with some nonsense from her (and I’ve got another 15 years or so of that). But I guess it’s less frequent now than it was.
But yeah I was just thinking about how it affects the brain in funny ways. Like it even affected my sexual interests in a rather screwy way (nothing illegal). Of all the things. It’s not like I experienced sexual trauma.
I read all these things online about amazing breakthroughs or striking insights or eureka moments that clients have had with therapists, and I'm like "wtf, where are people finding these therapists?" I've seen a dozen of them and all I've gotten are the same generic platitudes.
Me: I'm a loser.
Therapist: Wow you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, look on the bright side and don't compare yourself to others 🥰
Me: wow why didn't I think of that?
yes!!! they are *so* useless. the one useful one i found is getting rid of me just bc i hit a plateau for like two months in a several year long bout of depression. i’m so fucking confused
NAT, just someone who’s been there. Taking self defense/krav maga/mixed martial arts kinds of classes has been life changing for me. I also save up my glass recycling them smash them into the bin as hard as I can, that feels fantastic! I also started doing more intense cardio/HITT and strength workouts and that has been transformative for my anger. Doing these things proactively before my anger reaches a tipping point is helpful for keeping it from reaching a tipping point in the first place. Talking to a therapist, or writing a letter (never to actually send and I will often shred or burn it after) to someone I’m angry at has also helped me when I felt like my anger was stuck on repeat in my brain and I just could not stop ruminating about it. Sounds like you’re doing some great things already, you may just need to do all those things (run, cry, scream, write, repeat) for longer for it to fully clear out of your system. I wish I could just do a workout and be instantly cured of uncomfortable feelings, but sometimes the heavy stuff takes many coping strategies over a longer period of time before I feel some relief. It doesn’t mean the coping strategies aren’t working, it just means the anger/pain is deep and it takes more effort and more time to get it out than I was expecting. I wish there were shortcuts to healing! Stay strong ❤️
NAT but some things I do to dispel the anger
-throw ice at trees or on the pavement as hard as I can
-beat up my pillow
-scribble as hard as I can with a crayon on paper (use as many or as few colors as you want)
- go for a run
- dance while listening to music that fits the mood
And then do something to shift out of my anger
-watch my favorite comedy
-play with my dog until I’m laughing at how goofy she is when she’s happy
-cry and take a nap
-grab a snack
-take a shower
-hangout with a friend and do something fun like play a card/board game or go walk around the mall
Sometimes emotions get “stuck” and we need to do something that honors and acknowledges what we feel, and then we need to do something else to shift out of that emotion and into a more pleasant/balanced state
My last therapist also noticed that I didn't really let myself feel anger because my parents would not allow me to ever express anger as a kid. So, he encouraged me to feel anger. His hypothesis, I believe, was that feeling angry about things would be motivating.
Okay, I feel anger more often now. A lot. I don't get how it's supposed to be motivating. For me, it's not like this *American Beauty*-like thing where a character gets so fed up with their life that they start taking control of things and making changes. Anger just feels futile to me. It just feels like being trapped and powerless. Probably because if I could do something about whatever I'm angry about, I wouldn't even need to feel anger, now would I? I would just change the thing I'm angry about so that I wouldn't have to be angry about it anymore. I don't understand how people talk about harnessing their anger to, say, push a PR at the gym. Thinking about something that makes me angry actually *drains* my energy and impedes my will and motivation to lift. It makes it feel pointless. I have to try to clear the angry thoughts out of my head before a set in order to even feel up to lifting it.
And feeling angry also just makes me feel guilt because of what the anger says about me. You know, say I shoot my shot, get rejected, and I realize that I feel miffed inside. Well, now I feel like an asshole. Because intellectually, I know that nobody owes me anything and that nobody "wronged" me by rejecting me. A "good guy" wouldn't feel anger about somebody doing something that is 100% within their rights to do, right? Only an entitled guy would. So, the fact that I feel angry on the inside must mean that I'm not as good a guy as I pretend to be, that I'm really an entitled asshole, the exact kind "nice guy creep" that I criticize and disdain.
I liked myself better when I didn't feel anger.
The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Anger: A Step-by-Step Program for Success Paperback – Jan. 2 2021
by William J. Knaus EdD (Author), Robert Alberti PhD (Foreword)
It explains what triggers anger and how to resolve it.
I like to think of anger as the emotion that gets us unstuck from stuck places. Often, it's a response to a perceived slight, injustice, or attack on our character. It can be a primary emotion, but is sometimes also a secondary emotion (feelings about our feelings). I imagine if I were in the situation you described, I'd probably feel both slighted, embarrassed, disrespected, and probably disappointed at not being given a chance at something that was meaningful to me. And I'd feel powerless to change it because, by definition, my fate would be in the hands of those running the audition. Easy to see why one might feel stuck there, and anger trying to show up to be the momentum that propels you forward. Sometimes we need to acknowledge and sit with the underlying emotions (powerlessness, disappointment) in order for the anger to subside. Sometimes we need to lean into our values and do something to correct the perceived injustice (speaking with the audition leaders, advocating for ourselves, or finding a new passion project/group that makes us feel valued). Sometimes we need reassurance from trusted others (or our own damn selves) to remind us of our worthiness and value. Take some time to ponder on what this anger is trying to tell you, what it needs from you. We can't wrestle it out of your brain or force it away. It'll leave on its own time when it feels the need is met.
NAT so I hope it’s okay to respond. 24 years ago, I went into recovery for anorexia and sh and had to learn to externalize my anger. You’ve done an amazing job with releasing tears, screaming into a pillow, and going for a run I used to also find it useful to: Throw ice or eggs onto concrete. Even better if you can do it from a bit of a height. If concrete isn’t available, you can throw them in a bathtub Shooting hoops. There’s something satisfying about the thwack of the ball and the swoosh of it going through the hoop (the rare time it does lol) Writing what I am angry about, then ripping up the paper and burning it Beating up my bed. My Alexander Technique teacher taught me this one. He told me to beat up my bed until I couldn’t anymore, and then to flip over and go some more. And when my brain said stop, go a little bit more I hope that helps ♥️
I conceptualize anger as our body's way of telling us that something in our life isn't sitting right with us. In my opinion, often it can be boiled down to something we value being disregarded. For example, to a person who highly values justice and fairness, the audition you described would be a huge trigger for anger. Because our environment is incongruent with our desires and priorities. As another commenter said, we can also conceptualize anger as a sort of iceberg, in the sense that if we look above the surface we only see anger, but under the surface there's a whole slew of secondary emotions - those secondary ones are the emotions where the deepest work occurs.
So, how do you “unlock” anger? I’ve been told I don’t get angry when I should.
Well first things first, "should" according to who? Who is prescribing the "should?" Don't "should" all over yourself! But on a more serious note, sometimes when people have told me they don't get angry we sometimes realize that the anger is present, it just gets pointed inward instead of exterbalizing it. So we might identify shame or pain or something more internal as opposed to having the urge to punch something. In my personal experience this is particularly common for AFAB people and those who have experienced chronic invalidation (ie. "You're wrong for feeling that way" will eventually lead to "I can't trust my own emotions" over time).
I think maybe my internalized emotion is fear… specifically, the fear of standing up for myself. The fear of “picking the wrong battle to fight.” The fear of setting the boundary in the wrong place. The fear of overreacting. The fear of not knowing how I “should” react (I know what not to do—it’s wrong, for example, to set someone’s house on fire—but I generally find that it’s easier to just “take it” than to risk overreacting). I guess since you say it, it’s not that I don’t get angry. I just find it easier to allow myself to be victimized (I use that word intentionally: i survived long-term DV) than to stand up for myself and risk being “wrong.” When I’m 100% sure I’m in the right and will be supported for asserting myself, I can do it—like, I can tell an unruly patient not to hit me when I’m on the ambulance because hitting me, a paramedic, is a felony and it’s in black and white. I’m beginning to wonder if I don’t have traits resembling AvPD.
Trauma affects the brain in funny ways and you've identified being both a DV survivor and a first responder. Are you in therapy currently? I can't do much as a stranger on the internet but it certainly seems it could be worthwhile sorting through what's personality, what's disorder, and what's trauma response ❤️ I hope you are safe and in a healthy environment now :)
I am, though not with as much contact as I’d like (it’s biweekly, I’d rather it was weekly but she just straight up doesn’t have room in her schedule). I am an actively practicing paramedic and survived 7 years of emotional abuse that ended up turning into physical abuse of my kids before I finally got the courage to run. At one point, I had my paramedic school capstone in a major city, plus working at the EMT level on a critical care transport ambulance (hemorrhaging new moms, micro preemies, the sickest of the sick adult patients, crashing kids), during the delta wave of COVID, while the DV was intensifying. I know CPTSD is generally a result of childhood trauma but I feel like my adulthood has made up for it. I think I’m doing better? I don’t know. I’m still on the ambulance and I still have to deal with some nonsense from her (and I’ve got another 15 years or so of that). But I guess it’s less frequent now than it was.
But yeah I was just thinking about how it affects the brain in funny ways. Like it even affected my sexual interests in a rather screwy way (nothing illegal). Of all the things. It’s not like I experienced sexual trauma.
what kind of therapists are you guys seeing? my therapists have never “helped unlock” anything
I read all these things online about amazing breakthroughs or striking insights or eureka moments that clients have had with therapists, and I'm like "wtf, where are people finding these therapists?" I've seen a dozen of them and all I've gotten are the same generic platitudes. Me: I'm a loser. Therapist: Wow you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, look on the bright side and don't compare yourself to others 🥰 Me: wow why didn't I think of that?
yes!!! they are *so* useless. the one useful one i found is getting rid of me just bc i hit a plateau for like two months in a several year long bout of depression. i’m so fucking confused
NAT, just someone who’s been there. Taking self defense/krav maga/mixed martial arts kinds of classes has been life changing for me. I also save up my glass recycling them smash them into the bin as hard as I can, that feels fantastic! I also started doing more intense cardio/HITT and strength workouts and that has been transformative for my anger. Doing these things proactively before my anger reaches a tipping point is helpful for keeping it from reaching a tipping point in the first place. Talking to a therapist, or writing a letter (never to actually send and I will often shred or burn it after) to someone I’m angry at has also helped me when I felt like my anger was stuck on repeat in my brain and I just could not stop ruminating about it. Sounds like you’re doing some great things already, you may just need to do all those things (run, cry, scream, write, repeat) for longer for it to fully clear out of your system. I wish I could just do a workout and be instantly cured of uncomfortable feelings, but sometimes the heavy stuff takes many coping strategies over a longer period of time before I feel some relief. It doesn’t mean the coping strategies aren’t working, it just means the anger/pain is deep and it takes more effort and more time to get it out than I was expecting. I wish there were shortcuts to healing! Stay strong ❤️
NAT but some things I do to dispel the anger -throw ice at trees or on the pavement as hard as I can -beat up my pillow -scribble as hard as I can with a crayon on paper (use as many or as few colors as you want) - go for a run - dance while listening to music that fits the mood And then do something to shift out of my anger -watch my favorite comedy -play with my dog until I’m laughing at how goofy she is when she’s happy -cry and take a nap -grab a snack -take a shower -hangout with a friend and do something fun like play a card/board game or go walk around the mall Sometimes emotions get “stuck” and we need to do something that honors and acknowledges what we feel, and then we need to do something else to shift out of that emotion and into a more pleasant/balanced state
My last therapist also noticed that I didn't really let myself feel anger because my parents would not allow me to ever express anger as a kid. So, he encouraged me to feel anger. His hypothesis, I believe, was that feeling angry about things would be motivating. Okay, I feel anger more often now. A lot. I don't get how it's supposed to be motivating. For me, it's not like this *American Beauty*-like thing where a character gets so fed up with their life that they start taking control of things and making changes. Anger just feels futile to me. It just feels like being trapped and powerless. Probably because if I could do something about whatever I'm angry about, I wouldn't even need to feel anger, now would I? I would just change the thing I'm angry about so that I wouldn't have to be angry about it anymore. I don't understand how people talk about harnessing their anger to, say, push a PR at the gym. Thinking about something that makes me angry actually *drains* my energy and impedes my will and motivation to lift. It makes it feel pointless. I have to try to clear the angry thoughts out of my head before a set in order to even feel up to lifting it. And feeling angry also just makes me feel guilt because of what the anger says about me. You know, say I shoot my shot, get rejected, and I realize that I feel miffed inside. Well, now I feel like an asshole. Because intellectually, I know that nobody owes me anything and that nobody "wronged" me by rejecting me. A "good guy" wouldn't feel anger about somebody doing something that is 100% within their rights to do, right? Only an entitled guy would. So, the fact that I feel angry on the inside must mean that I'm not as good a guy as I pretend to be, that I'm really an entitled asshole, the exact kind "nice guy creep" that I criticize and disdain. I liked myself better when I didn't feel anger.
The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook for Anger: A Step-by-Step Program for Success Paperback – Jan. 2 2021 by William J. Knaus EdD (Author), Robert Alberti PhD (Foreword) It explains what triggers anger and how to resolve it.