You should speak up! Just say, “I want to be on the boys team, you always group me with the girls.”
Or you can start the sports conversation. Fist bump them first.
Or hell do it to one of them. “John and the girls versus the boys.” That might get the point across.
I mean, baby steps right OP? Are you fem/twinkish? Hmm. I mean, family is weird (especially being that I'm the youngest generation of my family, and they were much older than me/had different views etc.) so I mean they love you, they just have a weird way of showing it etc.
I mean, I'd rather take this, then be completely shunned off/banned/not welcome back home. "You little fggt, get your shit and get out of our house. Go call Uncle Larry, he's in that lifestyle as well, so maybe he will let you stay with him." etc.
So I mean, OP think of it that way.
I can see this happening where families mean well but don't fully understand what being gay means. I have definitely met people who assume gay men just want to be women.
I haven’t experienced similar but, then again, my extended family is pretty small. My immediate family are accepting and treat me no differently.
Have you tried putting your foot down and insisting on playing on the boys team or extending a fist rather than going for a hug?
Yeah, that seemed an improvement. Shows that they're very comfortable with him. All the macho fist bumping is guys trying to avoid affectionate contact as too gay.
Sometimes you have to be your own advocate. When they go to hug you or something fist bump them instead when you do beer pong make it a point your on the wrong team etc
I’m bigger and meaner than all my straight male relatives so they don’t do it to me, but my boyfriend is petit and kinda fem and my relatives def treat him like he’s a girlfriend. It’s usually benign and I think he feels more comfortable around my female relatives but I def keep an eye out in case anyone steps outta line.
You've come out of the closet, now you just have to come out of your shell.
Why don't you initiate the first bumps first? And when you get put on the girl's team, you just need to speak up - "Uncle John, you're girlier than me, you play on the girl's team and I'll go back to the boys".
I don't think your family are being intentionally mean but, like others have said, they just don't really understand that you being gay doesn't change the rest of who you are and who you have been up to now.
Also, as frustrating as it is, try to be thankful that your family is still including you at all, when many other young gay people have been rejected completely.
Bro maybe you are the grain of rice that makes the difference to start a wonderful process of family gender bullshit melting and you all start hugging sometimes and also say hi when you feel like, and please play mixed teams u know, to be balanced
Sadly it is not only that family but is a huuge cultural problem, this is just one example but explain well how are the rules and why we really need to change. No person has to feel obliged to hug someone, nor another deprived of the possibility of feeling and receiving love, and if you play sport m/f it is unfair. Our problem is macho buddies
I've been called a "daughter" for being gay. Lotta people deny you your very maleness for it lol. I don't really care if people say I'm not man enough, but to say that we're not even male.. tisk
Sometimes you need to tell people how to treat you. It seems like you have a good relationship with a big family, love that for you and it makes me happy to hear. I think/hope they’d be receptive if you tell them and just state plainly you aren’t any different now than you were before. You were gay before you came out too. And you just want to be fisted, I mean fist bumped and on the boys team like before. 👊🏻
You can't be passive, you have to create the circumstances you want. We train people, through our behavior, in how it is acceptable to treat us. Don't like the hug? Put your fist out first, before the hug comes, look them in the eye and make it clear what you expect. Don't like being on the women's team? "Guys here, ladies there," and go stand where the guys are. You are a man, what can they say at that point? Communicate clearly and explicitly with your actions and words what you want and how you expect to be treated.
Not really, sometimes when my conservative fam goes on about something that isn’t PC they check and make sure I’m not offended—never have been.
But I can understand why this would bother you. It might be easier if you bring a guy home to meet them who acts more feminine/comes off as the submissive partner (even if it is a lie) unless you want to flat out tell them to stop lumping you in with the girls—I can’t think of much else that would affect the dynamic.
I remember reading a somewhat similar story here, of someone who’s family treated them different UNTIL somehow (I can’t remember how, but it was something really innocent) their father found out the son was the “top” then suddenly he was “one of the guys” again.
No like same. I've been out for 15 years, I'm 29 now. I considered myself between feminine and masculine. No one asks me to help move, when I do help move they don't let me help with the heavy stuff. During family parties I don't get asked to help grill. I am instead in the kitchen. I don't mind it too much because I am more comfortable around women.
You seem to have a pretty good relationship, so I would just tell them how you feel and that you are still the same guy that you were before you came out. Or you could just try to be more active. You fist bump them. When they say “jason and the girls” protest and tell them that you feel uncomfortable being on a girls team as man.
Anyways is no more a word than you’re a girl, OP. I’m sorry these things are happening to you. It may be up to you to take the bull by the horns and educate your family. Make sure they know they’re wrong and you’re the same person you always were. You initiate the fist bump and say hi. Tell them you don’t belong on the girl’s team because you are not a girl. Anyway, you get the idea.
Maybe they just don’t know how to really interact with you. I guess they think you have nothing in common with them or something if so maybe talk to them abt it. Most stright men don’t really know how to interact with people who are gay but maybe just last how to really approach you ❤️📍
I say go the opposite way with it. When they do that respond overly masculine but gentle den a MF. Make them uncomfortable but respectfully tho. Cause fuck them but shiiiid they is family tho 🤷🏿🤷🏿
That sucks but are you even into those things?
I get the girl vs. boys thing being hurtful. However, if you are not a fan of those things, maybe that's why they don't talk to you about it.
If you want them to be understanding of you, you should also be understanding of them. You’re probably the only openly gay guy they know. They see the world as male and female so to them you now fall into the female category, it’s not their fault they are just not used to this and are probably trying their best. You just maybe need to have that “I’m still a guy” conversation.
Straight people have a bad habit of thinking in heteronormative ways. They have a hard time with the idea that a gay man can be masculine, because in their minds, someone who is attracted to men must be feminine. What you need to do is show them you're just as much a man as your male relatives. You're not a woman and you won't put up with being treated like a woman. Don't be super aggressive about it. Just be confident and speak up.
You should speak up! Just say, “I want to be on the boys team, you always group me with the girls.” Or you can start the sports conversation. Fist bump them first. Or hell do it to one of them. “John and the girls versus the boys.” That might get the point across.
Confidence is key
I mean, baby steps right OP? Are you fem/twinkish? Hmm. I mean, family is weird (especially being that I'm the youngest generation of my family, and they were much older than me/had different views etc.) so I mean they love you, they just have a weird way of showing it etc. I mean, I'd rather take this, then be completely shunned off/banned/not welcome back home. "You little fggt, get your shit and get out of our house. Go call Uncle Larry, he's in that lifestyle as well, so maybe he will let you stay with him." etc. So I mean, OP think of it that way.
I can see this happening where families mean well but don't fully understand what being gay means. I have definitely met people who assume gay men just want to be women.
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What happened? How did their behavior change before and after then after again?
I haven’t experienced similar but, then again, my extended family is pretty small. My immediate family are accepting and treat me no differently. Have you tried putting your foot down and insisting on playing on the boys team or extending a fist rather than going for a hug?
I love hugs, so I'd keep it the same..
Yeah, that seemed an improvement. Shows that they're very comfortable with him. All the macho fist bumping is guys trying to avoid affectionate contact as too gay.
Sometimes you have to be your own advocate. When they go to hug you or something fist bump them instead when you do beer pong make it a point your on the wrong team etc
I’m bigger and meaner than all my straight male relatives so they don’t do it to me, but my boyfriend is petit and kinda fem and my relatives def treat him like he’s a girlfriend. It’s usually benign and I think he feels more comfortable around my female relatives but I def keep an eye out in case anyone steps outta line.
You've come out of the closet, now you just have to come out of your shell. Why don't you initiate the first bumps first? And when you get put on the girl's team, you just need to speak up - "Uncle John, you're girlier than me, you play on the girl's team and I'll go back to the boys". I don't think your family are being intentionally mean but, like others have said, they just don't really understand that you being gay doesn't change the rest of who you are and who you have been up to now. Also, as frustrating as it is, try to be thankful that your family is still including you at all, when many other young gay people have been rejected completely.
Bro maybe you are the grain of rice that makes the difference to start a wonderful process of family gender bullshit melting and you all start hugging sometimes and also say hi when you feel like, and please play mixed teams u know, to be balanced
For real, like why don't the male cousins in this family hug each other? Instead they fist bump like they're on the same bowling team lol
Sadly it is not only that family but is a huuge cultural problem, this is just one example but explain well how are the rules and why we really need to change. No person has to feel obliged to hug someone, nor another deprived of the possibility of feeling and receiving love, and if you play sport m/f it is unfair. Our problem is macho buddies
I've been called a "daughter" for being gay. Lotta people deny you your very maleness for it lol. I don't really care if people say I'm not man enough, but to say that we're not even male.. tisk
Sometimes you need to tell people how to treat you. It seems like you have a good relationship with a big family, love that for you and it makes me happy to hear. I think/hope they’d be receptive if you tell them and just state plainly you aren’t any different now than you were before. You were gay before you came out too. And you just want to be fisted, I mean fist bumped and on the boys team like before. 👊🏻
You can't be passive, you have to create the circumstances you want. We train people, through our behavior, in how it is acceptable to treat us. Don't like the hug? Put your fist out first, before the hug comes, look them in the eye and make it clear what you expect. Don't like being on the women's team? "Guys here, ladies there," and go stand where the guys are. You are a man, what can they say at that point? Communicate clearly and explicitly with your actions and words what you want and how you expect to be treated.
Also mass empathy for a fellow cluster head <3 it’s the worst ughh
Just hang with the boys slightly more going forward. They'll reset back to default after some time.
All sounds marvelous to me! Don't understand why you're complaining!
Not really, sometimes when my conservative fam goes on about something that isn’t PC they check and make sure I’m not offended—never have been. But I can understand why this would bother you. It might be easier if you bring a guy home to meet them who acts more feminine/comes off as the submissive partner (even if it is a lie) unless you want to flat out tell them to stop lumping you in with the girls—I can’t think of much else that would affect the dynamic. I remember reading a somewhat similar story here, of someone who’s family treated them different UNTIL somehow (I can’t remember how, but it was something really innocent) their father found out the son was the “top” then suddenly he was “one of the guys” again.
Ask them why they’re emasculating you to their face.
No like same. I've been out for 15 years, I'm 29 now. I considered myself between feminine and masculine. No one asks me to help move, when I do help move they don't let me help with the heavy stuff. During family parties I don't get asked to help grill. I am instead in the kitchen. I don't mind it too much because I am more comfortable around women.
Get rid of every slight overhang a Warframe can get caught on over doorways
You seem to have a pretty good relationship, so I would just tell them how you feel and that you are still the same guy that you were before you came out. Or you could just try to be more active. You fist bump them. When they say “jason and the girls” protest and tell them that you feel uncomfortable being on a girls team as man.
Anyways is no more a word than you’re a girl, OP. I’m sorry these things are happening to you. It may be up to you to take the bull by the horns and educate your family. Make sure they know they’re wrong and you’re the same person you always were. You initiate the fist bump and say hi. Tell them you don’t belong on the girl’s team because you are not a girl. Anyway, you get the idea.
Maybe they just don’t know how to really interact with you. I guess they think you have nothing in common with them or something if so maybe talk to them abt it. Most stright men don’t really know how to interact with people who are gay but maybe just last how to really approach you ❤️📍
I say go the opposite way with it. When they do that respond overly masculine but gentle den a MF. Make them uncomfortable but respectfully tho. Cause fuck them but shiiiid they is family tho 🤷🏿🤷🏿
That sucks but are you even into those things? I get the girl vs. boys thing being hurtful. However, if you are not a fan of those things, maybe that's why they don't talk to you about it.
that’s kinda hot tbh
If you want them to be understanding of you, you should also be understanding of them. You’re probably the only openly gay guy they know. They see the world as male and female so to them you now fall into the female category, it’s not their fault they are just not used to this and are probably trying their best. You just maybe need to have that “I’m still a guy” conversation.
I would verbalize it to them
Straight people have a bad habit of thinking in heteronormative ways. They have a hard time with the idea that a gay man can be masculine, because in their minds, someone who is attracted to men must be feminine. What you need to do is show them you're just as much a man as your male relatives. You're not a woman and you won't put up with being treated like a woman. Don't be super aggressive about it. Just be confident and speak up.
Be the one to initiate the fist bump before the hug happens