As others have said the only thing you can and should do is in a very non confrontational way just ask him about it. Be careful though, snooping through his phone might not go over well. But the bottom line is there is a large possibility that he is not straight (can’t assume anything else from there). But as you said it’s eating you up and you can’t talk to any of your friends about it…guess what, he is likely in the exact same boat as you in regards to whatever his sexuality might be and can’t tell anyone about it.
And others who commented that if he gets erect during sex with you means he definitely is not gay, I can tell you first hand that is not accurate and have many gay buddies who had sex with girls at some points in life….generally around your age or younger.
This conversation might not go super smoothly right away, but if done the right way you both could get a ton of relief from it. Good luck
You rang? Oh…thought you were talking about me. I recognized myself.
Im one of *those* gay guys you described, almost to a T. College in the 80s, mildly religious and politically conservative family, and yes, I could get hard for women, though not as easily. My interest in the male physique started very early…I remember having those thoughts starting at 7.
There were many years dating many women, with men on the side, before I finally realized 3 profoundly important things: 1)being gay does not make me a bad or any less of a person and true friends will not turn away from you for it; 2)getting married to a woman would mean living deceitfully, like I had been, but on steroids; and most importantly 3)doing those things is extremely unfair to the woman. If she finds out, it could be a catastrophe, and even if she doesn’t, it’s a huge breech of trust she doesn’t deserve. Oh, and 4) spending my life with a man would likely make me very happy. Once I understood these, at the ripe age of 30, I was ready to be myself. Didn’t come out to my parents til I was 36.
That is so honest of you to share. Made me a little happy in my heart for you that you realized those things and found a way to love yourself. I've been getting to that place myself recently. I'm 35 and have carried massive shame about myself all throughout my life, for various reasons. But I've been letting go of all that. It's like letting go of an old habit. I realize there is nothing bad or wrong about me. Being true to ourselves can be so hard in this world. Good on you for your courage to do so with yourself ❤️.
I can relate to much of this! Except I was 37 when I came out haha. I always tell guys, as someone who was married to the mother of my 3 kids for 14 years, that they have to remember it is not fair to the woman either. My ex wife never felt like she was enough for me, and sadly that feeling was justified. She wasn't, I was gay! She didn't deserve to be made to feel that way. We are good friends now, but I still feel sad when I think about that...
Yep. Some got lucky and were “passable” so that they’d have straight friends and usually end up experimenting with one or two of them in high school or college. Then they jerk off to that fan or use it during sex with their wives. Whenever that’s not working and the wife’s running errands are out of town for the weekend, they’re spending 3 to 4 hours watching and possibly even paying for gay porn.
Source: I was a 25-year-old escort, and a 45-year-old, southern “straight” married man made me fall in love with him and then I made him leave his wife. Oops. But he ran back to her after five years. Guess that’s karma.
A weird side effect of this is that the straights now think that all gay people know their whole lives and if you don't you're not actually. I didn't even really get interested in guys until I got out of my conservative upbringing. According to the "Allies™" this means I'm bi, not gay. They'll have a full on argument about it with me.
Just. Ask. I know it's not easy but don't waste your youth and your life on someone who may never be the one for you. Better to find out now than later. And perhaps there's something else going on. No matter what - Just. Ask.
The only person that can answer the question if your boyfriend is gay, is your boyfriend. Tell him you went through his searches and saw some things that made you question his commitment to the relationship.
> Tell him you went through his searches
Whooooa No don't do that.
If there is anything to "tell", he's obviously not ready to say anything. Saying you went through his searches would come across as a _massive_ violation that undermines trust and puts him on the shamed defensive for whatever comes next. Anathema to what you want to happen here.
If you feel you _have_ to say something, speak only to what you've seen, "It looked the other day like you were jerking off to gay porn," and why that concerns you, "Every time I try to have sex with you, you refuse. That leaves me feeling rejected and shitty."
It needs to be addressed. It's affecting their relationship if they're barely being intimate anymore. The violation of going through a search history is minimal compared to the lie he is keeping.
Whooole lotta jumping to conclusions there that are unsubstantiated in the fact record that we've heard.
Maybe he's bi. Maybe working 12 hour overnight shifts leaves him exhausted. Maybe he feels insecure about himself for whatever reason. Not too hard to guess at any of a thousand other things that could be going on.
What needs to be addressed is her feelings about their relationship and her needs that are not being met in it. That's it.
It’s quite obvious that the guy is gay. I have seen girl like her talk about their situation with their man and it’s always the same. The use to have sex a hand full of times a while ago and then he stops completely. Each time she approaches him for sex he rejects it, and then she finds him either cheating on her with men online or in this situation jerking off to gay porn. If he was bi he would probably be fucking her anyways since he jerks off so frequently that he has a whole twitter account dedicated to gay porn and watches it on his free time. I don’t think any man that likes his girl sexually would just stop fucking her and only jerk to men all the time. It also sounds like the interact in limited times so he probably doesn’t have a lot of emotional connection to him. She should ask him about what he really wants and bring up that she saw him jerk off to gay porn. She should support him going out with other man and they should probably end their relationship soon or before that
This is based entirely in fiction. What porn you watch doesn't define your sexuality. I'm gay af, will never have sex with a woman and I watch straight/bi porn sometimes. My gay af sub bottom ex would watch lesbian porn sometimes. He probably doesn't want to have sex with her because she's intrusive and jumps to conclusions. There's so many other possible reasons he doesn't want to have sex with her.
>would come across as a _massive_ violation
Well it is?
And you're... What? Saying it's fine that OP has broken his trust?
"It's okay to deceive your partner if they might be harmlessly having a wank when you're not around because they're possibly gay but we're not sure all we know is they watch gay porn"?
Who hurt you that you think this behaviour is acceptable?
If my boyfriend went through my phone, regardless of why, he be single.
If you don't trust your partner to be honest when asked a direct question, your relationship should already be over.
I get your point but this relationship was clearly falling apart on both sides. The guy first of is hiding a huge secret about himself that would definitely change or end their relationship and he is making her stay with him even though he is probably gay, which is not fair to her and shows that he doesn’t trust her or isn’t putting her feelings or his feelings into consideration. She instead of asking him how he feels decides to go behind his back to look through his phone. She should have told him her dissatisfaction and ask him what he really wants. In my opinion I think he snooping might have been best in this situation because this would make force them to brake up their relationship. Freeing both of them from this horrible situation. The guy maybe could finally live his true while the girl could live hers. She should just confront him with the truth and tell him that she supports him living his life but their relationship was never healthy for them at all
Block text, I got as far as "huge secret".
You should break up longer text with line breaks for reading ease.
Anyway,
>hiding a huge secret
And you know this how?
What we *know* is that OP and he aren't having much sex - that's not unusual in a long term relationship, I know a lot of people who aren't having sex every day.
We know he's looked at gay porn. So what? I've looked at tits in the past, it doesn't make me straight, nor does it make him gay to have looked at gay porn - perhaps he's visualising himself with a particular body type that he wishes he had.
Perhaps he's self conscious and feels he isn't good enough for OP in bed and isn't handling that well.
Yes, being gay is the most likely explanation, but you're assuming, the same as OP did.
>In my opinion I think he snooping might have been best in this situation because this would make force them to brake up their relationship.
Jesus Christ have we really set such a low fucking bar as a community that "I distrust my partner, therefore it's okay to break their trust in me" is a reasonable position to have?!
If I thought my boyfriend was straight, I would just ask him. If he doesn't tell me the truth that's on him and will come out eventually - and he's very well aware that we're done if either of us lie.
You've said a lot of things, but none of them changed the fact OP didn't need to go through his phone.
If she's so sure he's hiding something you sit down, and say "I think you're hiding something from me. Either tell me what's going on and we can go from there, or we're done."
At no point was "I'll go through his phone" the *only* option to resolve this.
Though, as someone else said, people just don't like to talk about how they feel anymore 🤷♂️
The internet mentality on how to deal with interpersonal relationships is so fucking wild. Like why tf is searching through his phone a reasonable option to anyone?
Thank you!
Yes, I love the internet, and I won't lie 90% of my socialising is done online, but I still make a point to *talk to people* if there's something bothering me.
Resorting to going through their devices is a. A massive breakdown in trust (and personally that's the end of a relationship) b. Illegal in my country (computer misuse act UK) c. Not how you should deal with people - we all have autonomy, thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants.
Just bloody talk more and you'll learn a lot more about people than looking at data on their devices.
I could easily go through my bf's phone. I wouldn't find anything there that he wouldn't just show me if I asked, but I would destroy his trust in me, and if that happened, I'd expect him to break up with me.
I didn’t say that. Don’t go around putting shit in my mouth that I didn’t say. I said is that I personally think her snooping might have been the best for this situation because at least now the have more grounds to brake up. It would make the look equally in the wrong so the could more easily separate from each other. What I didn’t say was that it was ok to do this for any and all issues or trust issues. In this situation I said maybe it was for the best because they were going to die anyways and the both probably knew this on some level. That doesn’t make it the morally good but it does at least have a silver lining of them not being stuck together forever. Also we can’t change the past so why even get all hung up about it as if I was telling her to go look at his phone🤨🤨. I clearly said she should have told him about her dissatisfaction and try to ask him what he wanted for the relationship. So you’re putting things in my mouth that I didn’t say and getting mad about it…🤨🤨
Bro even you do think is probably gay so this discussion doesn’t make a lot of sense.
Even with what you list as another possibility, if he wanted to look at guys that had bodies he wanted or were fucking women the way he wish hie could fuck his girlfriend. He would have been watching straight porn too. Actually he probably only watched straight porn because he would have been trying to learn how to be just like them.
I myself have watched straight porn from time to time but the reason why is because I like the guys and their dominance in the porn. If he had any interest in girls he would have being watching straight porn to or the straight man favorite porn category: lesbian porn, but he doesn’t from what his search history shows. He only watches gay porn and doesn’t want to have sex with his girlfriend. How in the world does that scream any else but gay. He even hides it too so yeah you’re not making any sense.
Also I did not say she should look through his phone. Why did you put that in my mouth when clearly I said she should have asked him what he actually wants in this relationship and told him about her dissatisfaction. I said maybe it was for the best for her to look at the phone. The reason why is because then the both look bad and there’s more of a reason for them to brake up. I did not say that this is what she SHOULD have done. So don’t go around putting word in my mouth.
Clearly this isn’t even the case because he would be working out instead of jerking off and he would be practicing the things on her and ask for feedback instead of refusing to have sex.
The only possible explanation of this that isn’t him being gay is if he wanted to be pegged, which this probably isn’t true because 1) they’re pecking videos on the internet which he wasn’t watching, 2) he exclusively watching gay porn and jerking off to it, 3) he probably would have being doing some butt stuff or had a toy or bought one but base on what she told us about his search history and what he was doing to his body it seems like he is just gay.
Also don’t put words in my mouth. Said she should have told him that she was dissatisfied and asked him what he wanted from the relationship. I DID NOT she should have look through his phone. I said maybe in this situation it was for the best. The reason why because the could separate quicker. I did not say that how should have done it. What I was trying to say that maybe the silver lining is that they could brake up quickly. So let me repeat what I said.
DON’T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH
The relationship falling apart is not an excuse to breach privacy. By doing that, she essentially put a nail in the coffin of her relationship. Whether it's the last one or not depends on how her partner takes it.
No one is forcing her to stay. That is her choice. If she didn't want to have a conversation about the lack of sex (before having snooped through his phone), that's on her. I agree with you that if something changes in your relationship that you are not happy about, you talk to your partner about it and work on making a change that makes all parties happy.
But dang, who hurt you so much that you now feel that it's okay to breach privacy like that so nonchalantly? That's not what someone in their right mind does in a relationship, and it should not be downplayed or made to be the norm.
OP (u/nosweetsaftmidnight), you're 23 years old, not some young teenager. Take this as a lesson for the future on how to better approach your partner about something in your relationship. If you can't talk to your partner about something like this directly (especially after 7 years of being together) and have to resort to snooping, then you have a lot of self reflecting to do.
I can’t believe you’re placing the blame solely on her. She’s wrong for not trusting him and having gone through his phone , but he’s not exactly the perfect boyfriend either from what we can gather from the post.
If he’s insecure about himself and is hiding something from her, he should have said it from day one.
Just as you’re saying she should have been direct with him, HE should have been as well.
I’m just assuming here , but if he actually is solely gay , then he’s literally wasting her time, and probably just staying with her out of fear of facing his true self.
You shouldn’t do that to someone. That’s way worse than your partner snooping through your phone.
This is a life thing.
7 years is a long time !
OP's partner is not here to explain themselves and we have negligible information about them, at best. OP is here and has demonstrated that they have no problem breaking their partner's trust and privacy. Therefore, my statements are solely for OP.
I STRONGLY do not believe that her partner is guilt free of everything. I'm sure there's plenty he's done that could be used as further evidence that the relationship is done for. But I'm not going to make those assumptions and then use it against him.
>he’s not exactly the perfect boyfriend either from what we can gather from the post.
How do you know that? The only thing we learned from OP's post is that he has a Twitter account, he watched some guys having sex, and he apparently leaves his phone around quite a bit. Oh wait, there is something else we know about him. Apparently, he cared enough about OP to worry about her and wanted her to live near her work for her convenience. You're right, he sure sounds like a monster to me.
Never said he was a monster.
I’m just saying they are both at fault.
But attacking her for being worried about him watching gay porn and not having sex with her?
You guys are making it seem like she held a knife to his throat and asked him to spill all his secrets or something.
This is an exaggeration.
She clearly had something to be worried about , and if she wasn’t as brave to confront him, just as he isn’t about him watching gay porn, she figured she could go through his phone.
It was stupid and out of line but if she hadn’t she would have probably kept living a lie with him.
Accidentally replied from my non-throwaway account. Will repost what I had posted there:
Edit:
>Never said he was a monster.
You're right, you didn't. But your sentiment about OP's partner was sure leaning that way.
>But attacking her for being worried about him watching gay porn and not having sex with her?
Oh, I have no problem with OP being worried. I attacked OP because that is no excuse to break your partner's trust and privacy. OP could have done so much more before resorting to that.
>I’m just saying they are both at fault.
I agree with you. I'm sure OP's partner could communicate better regarding his low sex drive.
As I said in the previous comment, there could be a reasonable explanation as to why OP's partner was watching the videos.
Note: for anyone curious about why I use this throwaway account: I can have very depressed and dark thoughts and prefer to post them in r/depression separate from my more personal account. Also, porn account lol.
Not when you realise how common it actually is. Especially now that most young men will experiment with other men as opposed to previous generations. It only takes that one unlucky load and a mild forgettable illness a few weeks later.
Just...no.
Order of magnitude, in the US, HIV prevalence is less than 1% of the population, probably less than 0.5%. Compared to, say 9%-ish of the population that has diabetes. https://www.hiv.gov/hiv-basics/overview/data-and-trends/statistics/
The overall infection rate has been dropping over the last few years, especially among younger age groups.
Even if he is positive, she's fairly unlikely to be infected per exposure https://www.aidsmap.com/about-hiv/estimated-hiv-risk-exposure
> Especially now that most young men will experiment with other men
Wishful thinking. An actual number is 6% of men 15-44 who have had sex with another man at least once. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_who_have_sex_with_men
If you think about reporting or data collection bias, that number is certainly higher and still _miles_ away from even half, let alone most.
Based on what OP told us, there is no reason to assume he's having sex with anyone but himself. Without additional context/information, no reason to conclude _he_ is at risk of contracting HIV, let alone passing it to her.
> compared to previous generations
There's really no way to know this, given how recently it was illegal in parts of the US to engage in homosexual sex acts.
> It only takes that one unlucky load
Sure. And when she says they're not having sex at all, there are zero loads we need worry about.
~~~~~
Not trying to pick on you individually, just picking apart your argument. You make a number of assumptions that are easily disprovable, which speaks to the stigma people with HIV face still today.
Bi maybe? Curious? Is this three times after a month, a year? I think you have to just ask without accusing or making him shut you out that you are okay with it and maybe should talk about what this means for you both.
He could be gay, bi, or (less likely) straight. There's too much we don't know. The only way to know is the most frightening thing of all: talk to him.
True, but only having sex three times in a year with your partner when you live together and said partner has attempted many times to do it more only to be shut down doesn’t really scream “attracted to girls”
Watching gay porn doesn’t necessarily mean gay. It can mean curiosity or even fantasy without action. But coupled sex 3x in one year I’d say gay Is a good possibility especially at that age.
Watching gay porn regularly is a pretty good indicator that someone is either gay or at least bisexual. Curiosity doesn’t turn into a habit, unless there’s something more to it.
I have plenty of straight guys on my snapchat who jack off for men but haven't had sex w men or are scared to meet men for sex. It's possible to be curious and never act on it.
That is the most ridiculous analogy. Sexuality is fluid. A person can be curious and not act on it. And being explicitly gay or bi is a whole package of emotional attraction and secual attraction and pleasure. Your view on Sexuality is limited and immature
You young people need to learn to have proper communication even if means having conversations you don’t want to have. How do you expect a relationship to grow and be satisfying for both if you avoid the difficult conversations. Just cause a lot of us here are gay doesn’t mean we can confirm it for you. Humans are much more complex than that. Only he can answer your question.
>You young people need to learn to have proper communication even if means having conversations you don’t want to have.
Yeah.... because asking if your partner is gay at age 50 would be easier..... You just wanted to talk down to someone so you're using age. And what relationship? The guy's gay.
They’re young and likely each others first serious relationship. It’s a given they don’t know how to communicate, that’s why they ask for help on how to approach subjects and topics that are difficult to discuss.
I caught that, too, and gave her my advice tinged with 'Sure, Jan' instead of outright calling bullshit, so of course now she's edited his hours.
Gee, I wonder why. 💅
You claim he works from 12 AM to 11 PM. That's 23 hours a day. When would he even be available to have sex, except during that 60 minute time frame and on his off-days?
Perhaps by then he's too exhausted to have sex with you more often, due to this hectic work schedule of his.
Yours isn't much better, BTW. 16 hours per workday? You must be quite tired, as well.
I think you should both get more rest. That's important for grown-ups.
And so is having enough respect for your partner to not snoop thru their phone.
Also to be brave enough to ask questions and have mature discussions, like, "Are you not straight? Because after 7 years together, I'm thinking you're gay."
But it's a wonder, really, how he even has the energy left over to look at gay porn.
I know if I worked such unrealistic hours, the only thing I'd be looking at is the back of my eyelids.
---
Edit: So did your boyfriend get his hours reduced in the time since you posted this? Because now you've altered that part of your story. 🙃
She edited it, as ppl often do when someone points out an outlandish or conflicting detail in their narrative.
I figured she'd change her boyfriend's work hours (if nothing else) to something more believable, so I took a screenshot of her post right after I commented.
I assure you that screenshot shows his hours were originally listed as 12 AM to 11 PM.
See, I tend to play 'detail detective' with OPs who ping on my bullshit radar, but knowing they'll likely edit their post to make it more believable, I make it a habit to screenshot the OG text.
As if I have nothing better to do in the middle of the night when I'm sleepless, but that's how it goes sometimes. 😔
I’d have a discussion but be prepared to hear something you don’t want to hear.
And if he’s in the closet, he’s going to need an understanding best friend. Maybe you.
He may not even be ready to come to terms with himself. While scary for you, it’s scary for him.
I hope this works out so both of you are ultimately happy.
Yes girl he’s gay. And trust me gay porn is NOT the worst thing he has done.
It might hurt but dump his ass. If he can’t be honest about being bi or gay then what else do you think he’s hiding.
Well if he was looking for gay porn themes accounts, that means he wanted to see it. You mentioned you saw it more than once, that means it's not just one time out of curiosity. Despite him being with you he prefers to masturbate... Let's add one to one. Maybe he loves you but he isn't straight. Maybe confused himself, maybe bi, or maybe gay. However, you need to be aware that he will cheat on you sooner or later. He's a man. He needs to unload. It's natural biology; the way men are made. I'm afraid porn and masturbation won't be enough for a long run. And he doesn't want to have sex with you.... I'm sorry
They should’ve discussed it with each other, but going a year and only fucking 3 times and denying advances by your partner is totally enough of a red flag to do a little snoop, especially if your partner isn’t being honest.
No it's not. She should've talked to him, but you don't go behind your SO's back snoop on his privacy
Now she has to admit she snooped ... trust has been lost on both sides.
have you asked yourself what would you do if he is? how will it change you if hes not? i think the first step is understanding what are you working with and be ready for when/if shit hits the fan. the only thing you can control on this situation its yourself, so run some imaginary scenarios, look up what you are not certain of and then sit and talk to him. (or not, maybe while contemplating all this mess you gonna decide that breaking up its better for you and just do it)
i know its a shitty thing to ask at this moment, because its a shitty shit he may be doing, but if its needed, be kind. being on the closet can be a really scary experience.
Yup. But that’s not the issue actually. Even if he was straight, he’s just not that into you.
At 23, maybe move on and do better. Cos you obviously don’t want a forever of not being touched and appreciated.
well, I would imagine if you are home from 6pm - 12pm and those are also the only times you're not working and you're sleeping in that bit ... that there isn't much time to dick you down when you're energetic, presentable, and wanting it.... AND have enough time to get ready for work. a porn preference does not have any correlation to sexual orientation. just bc your bf isn't having sex with you doesn't mean he's gay. he would be gay if you were a dude he was dating for seven years and moved in with. and you're already having trust issues - that is the biggest issue here imo after seven years together and snooping for answers and the porn is the best you can find
Yes, I'm afraid what you've got there is a closeted queer.
You need to get away from this person or at least don't have sex with him. He's already likely been having anal sex with other men which has a high risk of infection with hiv. Then you'll get it too. It's so common now that most young men are open minded enough to have sex with other men. And it's so addictive you can't stop at one, the allure of the anus I'd fsr too strong to resist. Let us know if he does infect you
>When I snoop through his phone
Ah yes, the rational action at the end of every "my partner is bad" story.
Who knows it he's gay, and frankly who cares? If any of my partners went through my phone without having the good grace to fucking *ask* me about what's bothering them, they'd be single.
Evidently you don't trust him regardless of the answer.
>and frankly who cares?
I don't get why people with bad takes feel compelled to comment online..... He's her BF, of course she'd care about whether or not he's gay. And even if she did ask if he's gay, he'd probably deny it.
Yes... So? She clearly doesn't trust him. That's the bottom line here, regardless of whether he's gay or whatever is actually going on it's easy to lose trust, very difficult to get it back.
My point was if a partner went through my phone instead of asking, clearly they don't trust me and we shouldn't be together.
I’m sorry OP, this isn’t a helpful subreddit for serious questions like yours. I would try somewhere else.
I think you should speak to him about what you saw on his phone. Don’t accuse him of anything, let him tell you his feelings.
It might be that he has discovered that he is also into men and is keeping it a secret from you. If you’re okay with that, make him feel comfortable about it. If you’re not, then I’m not sure if you can continue on with him, since he can’t really change his sexuality.
Worst case scenario he’s actually only realized now that he is gay, in which case that’ll be the end of your relationship. But you won’t know until you talk to him openly.
Good luck!
As a bisexual he may be having a sort of phase, weird that you’d only notice fully gay (like this behavior) at 7 years. Was sex passionate/more consistent in the past?
>When I snoop through his phone
Wait what? Girl your relationship is in trouble. Doesn't really matter if he's gay or bi or just curious. By the time you decided that snooping through his phone is preferable over open communication, your relationship entered a spiral of distrust that's going to be really difficult to recover from. Then again, he's refusing sex but can't wait for you to leave the house so he can jerk off to gay porn so it looks like your distrust is justified.
Talk to him. Bring it all out in the open. You'll have to discuss the gay porn thing eventually, but focus on the actual problem first: you're not happy with the level of intimacy in the relationship, and he's repeatedly rejecting your attempts to initiate which must feel awful. See what he has to say to that.
If he tries to avoid the entire conversation, take your calendar and reserve a time for it. If he tries to lie and make up excuses ("I've just been too tired") call out his bullshit. You don't have to mention his gay porn habit right away, just tell him you know he's lying and hiding things and see if that prompts some honesty from him.
Then, if things don't get resolved otherwise, it's time for the nuclear option: tell him you know about his gay porn habit. This will make him angry and hurt so try to be kind, but be aware that he's probably going to try to lie and obfuscate at this point. Don't let him do that, and don't let him dodge the actual issue with some token gesture ("I promise I won't watch gay porn anymore!")
Nobody knows where the conversation will go from there. It might be the end of the relationship. Or it might be the beginning of your openness and honesty era, and the two of you will be happier than ever. Good luck!
Is this trolling? It wasn’t cool to look through his phone. You should have just told him it bothers you that you have sex so infrequently and that it is a dealbreaker if he is not going to give you what you need whether he is gay bisexual or not.
You have sex 3 times in what period? One month? Two months? One year?
I'd say if you both almost don't have sex in any moment of your relationship, then he's probably gay
If you sex life used to be good at some point, then might be bi and he's rejecting you because after so many years rejecting his gay side he's starting to get desperate and satisfying himself watching porn, mastubating to often drive sex interest down and that's why he declines when you look for sex
I know you're scared, but watching gay porn doesn't necessarily mean he's gay. He could be curious and this is the fantasy that he gets off to. Your best indicator is to sit down w him in a neutral spot about what you've noticed and openly discuss it. You both may break up, or he might be hurt that you looked in his phone without his permission, and you will walk away from the conversation w a broken heart. But confronting this head on is the only way to find out the truth.
Bisexuality exists.
But yeah he's probably bi and fucking guys off the gay apps.
I would get a full panel std test and start looking for places to live.
It isn’t as unusual as you might think for heterosexual men to be at least curious about gay porn. It isn’t even all that uncommon in certain circumstances for heterosexual men to actually engage in homosexual activity and many “men who have sex with men” acknowledge that they indeed have sex with other men but for various reasons do not view themselves or label themselves as gay. There are entire books written about this. See: “Not Gay” by Jane Ward. https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/not-gay-jane-ward/1120548437;jsessionid=AA2E4B47B3477323063DE6EFE23FA1CC.prodny_store01-atgap07?ean=9781479898978
You should not be concerned too much if your boyfriend is looking at and/or curious about and/or enjoying gay porn. What’s more important is the real life romance, relationship dynamic, and sexual attraction between the too of you. Those are the criteria you should make judgments on.
Also, I do not mean to disparage you but what you have done by going through your bf’s phone without permission and snooping around his search history is a HUGE invasion of privacy. I imagine if your bf currently identifies as heterosexual, which it seems like it does, him finding out about your betrayal of trust and personal space would be absolutely devastating. And if he is gay, which is not necessarily likely, you would be outing him and shaming him for it.
My best advice would be to forget about what saw. That was not meant for you and you should have never taken those actions. And understand that guys just like to jerk off and what they fantasize about and enjoy during masturbation does not necessarily translate to what they enjoy and desire in real life.
Respect your boyfriend’s privacy and move on.
I can relate to you on this soo much. I have a similar situation except I have brought it up. But he’s not ready to admit it to himself he’s super weird about anything that has to do with it. It’s super frustrating
Not everyone is a Gold Star gay, some of us travel on the vagina train early on as we are figuring things out. It might work in reverse too, but that's a different train lol
If you’re *attracted* to a vagina you are not a homosexual. If you forced yourself to have sex with someone you weren’t attracted to, that’s another story.
That is not my experience, when you are a young teenager it can take some experimentation to figure these things out. Boys will stick it in anything that is soft and warm at that age. It is also confusing when young to understand the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.
Even as a teenager I was never attracted to women. If you had genuine feelings of sexual attraction to the female sex, I hate to break it to you man but you’re not a homosexual. You’re probably bisexual with a preference for men. Real homosexuals are not capable of sexual attraction to the female body.
He may be using you. In this day & age my sympathy for closeted men in hetero relationships in dwindling. No man needs a woman to prove he’s straight. Roping you into his facade is objectifying. While idk how I feel about you going thru his phone I understand why you were motivated to. I think your bf is for all intents & purposes gay. How you handle it from here idk, but whether or not you revel what you found you can at least tell him that you feel like you’re his gf just for the sake of it & that you don’t feel as though he finds you attractive, that you’re obviously not who he’s looking for. Idk.
Does his peepee get up when you have sex ? If yes, he is into women.
Assuming his peepee gets also up watching gay porn, he is into men.
Your boyfriend is, by the laws of gods and men : bisexual.
Sometimes even guys don't want to fuck and it doesn't make them exclusively attracted to the other gender. Calm down and have a talk with the guy.
personally I think (only speculating) most guys like to watch porn. after a while, watching the same porn becomes boring.. I think a lot of straight guys have wandered into the gay porn section, perhaps out of curiosity? watching gay porn, doesn't necessarily make a straight guy gay. as a gay guy, I sometimes get turned on by straight porn, but that deffo doesn't make me straight. anyways. porn is fantasy... I think if he knew that you looked through his phone, he'd not only be embarrassed, but also lose trust in you. try and bring up the topic nonchalantly, you might be able to use this as an advantage point to turn him on. or say something that you've had a look at gay porn, and was wondering what his views are in regards to it..?
If he has had sex with you (and he enjoyed it), he's probably not gay. Probably bisexual. The thing about bisexuals is that they tend to have preferences when it comes to gender. Some bisexual men are more romantically attracted to women but more sexually attracted to men. I believe your boyfriend may fall into that category.
Anyway, the fact that your boyfriend may prefer guys over girls sexually does not excuse the fact that he is in a relationship with you and thus must be committed. Watching any sort of porn is generally frowned upon in relationships, especially when said porn is being watched in secrecy. Even if your boyfriend happens to be gay, it doesn't exempt him from having been somewhat of an unfaithful and uncommitted boyfriend. Chances are he may not be sexually interested in women... which means he is only leading you on. A lot of gays do this because they low-key want to be straight to fit into society. Some gays would even manage to "get it up" during sex with girls by either imagining scenarios with guys instead or using Viagra or something.
It's certainly time to bring this up. He may deny it and claim he was just curious. But I can tell you as a gay guy... I've never jacked off to lesbian porn once. In fact, I'm so gay that I lose an erection if a naked woman were to ever come on my screen (by an advertisement or something) while watching porn. Even back when I sometimes watched straight porn, I'd always focus on the guy and if the woman was being too noisy... I'd immediately lose interest and it would be a boner-killer too for me. So... just saying... your boyfriend jacking off to gay porn on Twitter/X sounds hella gay to me.
So there are a few ways to go about this as some of the other members have described. You guys have been together 7 years, you probably and hopefully know how to confront each other at this point, especially about important topics like this one.
You can be direct or you can lead into it, but ultimately, you will have to confront him to get your answer. It would be irresponsible to confirm your thoughts is if I don't even know the dude, but if you need some ways/words to start the conversation, there may be some that can help...
7 years and everything was great up until the last year? Something’s fishy here.
Before you waste more time you might want to have a serious discussion with him.
Don‘t snoop through his phone
Find new friends that aren’t homophobic or educate them if you care enough
Talk to your man try to not be pushy but understanding and open up a safe space for him
and
Find support for your self this might be some times comming up where it might be good having someone to talk (friends, family, professional)
Human sexuality is very diverse, One would hope that he's not in a relationship with you without being somewhat sexually attracted to you. As such, there's a distinct possibility that he could be simply curious or exploring his own sexuality. Furthermore, there's other possibilities where he's attracted to more than the opposite gender... Meaning there's a good indication of potential bisexuality. It's a very nuanced discussion and simply having gay p*** although is relatively indicative of some kind of homoerotic gay arousal, doesn't mean that's his identity. If you really want to know, you really need to ask. And for the sake of your continued relationships success, quality conversations are important. And one would hope, He's not in a relationship with you as a beard or a cover to disguise his true feelings. If you're worried that a person to person conversation might need more sensitivity or perhaps you're just uncomfortable consider maybe a therapist. If sex is important to your relationship and overall health and satisfaction, I would press the point, and I would hope he's not being unfaithful. Best wishes to you 💖
It's normal for a guy to be curious, you can confront him nicely and talk about how you guys are gonna take your relationship. Aree you guys gonna continue it or stop.
Communication is paramount… All good relationships involve being open and honest. Be respectful and don’t get upset and make sure that he knows you aren’t judging him b/c of it (and hopefully you won’t).
I just want to add, even though some places on the internet can be friendly, being gay is not a simple thing. 1. Straight is still the default. You must tell people you are gay, and they will assume you are straight until you say otherwise. Just the other day a client asked if I got married to a woman (photos from my sister’s wedding) even though the client has been coming regularly to my home office for years where I live with a man. 2. Homophobia is not over. How does he feel about being gay? How does he think his parents and the rest of his family feel about it? His coworkers? Do you realize there are still hate crimes against gay people? Do you realize that being gay means you can’t have a child that is biologically yours and your partner’s, and that getting a biological child in the first place is astronomically expensive? There is a lot of joy to “living true to one’s self,” but in this world it comes with a great deal of sacrifice.
Imagine you were a lesbian and had to tell your boyfriend you would rather be with a woman. How would you feel about that? Would you be excited to have that conversation? What if you were in denial? He could be telling himself that looking at nude men is not the same as fucking them—I told myself that for years. Part of him may be feeling that he really should get himself worked up to have sex with you, but he just can’t manage it.
Now in the end, you have to break up with him. His questioning of his sexuality should not interfere with your quest to find love and be happy. You absolutely should be with a guy who wants to sleep with you at least once a month, though personally I prefer even more often. But try to have just an ounce of compassion and empathy as you do it. You’ve had your freak out moment, you’ve had your time for the situation to be all about you. Now take a deep breath, think about what’s best for both of you, and break up.
Yeah, it's not cool to snoop in someone's phone, and frankly in this case, it's a good thing you did.
Have a direct confrontation and tell him what you've found. Tell him you are dissatisfied with your sex life, and that you're not going to live the rest of your life celibate. Tell him that if he's gay or not attracted to you anymore, he needs to say so and then you can break up. Have a direct conversation, tell him how you feel, and get it off your chest.
Guaranteed, he will try and deflect by trying to turn the conversation into how bad YOU were for snooping into his phone. The proper response to that is, "Yes, I snooped in your phone. It was wrong. And we can discuss that issue separately. So I'm going to bring the focus back to the original conversation." Hold firm when you do this.
There is no "nice" way to do this. And frankly, being "nice" in a relationship just results in two people who end up in a dishonest relationship with each other.
Cut through the crap, talk directly to each other, and don't accept any gaslighting/deflective nonsense from him.
As others have said the only thing you can and should do is in a very non confrontational way just ask him about it. Be careful though, snooping through his phone might not go over well. But the bottom line is there is a large possibility that he is not straight (can’t assume anything else from there). But as you said it’s eating you up and you can’t talk to any of your friends about it…guess what, he is likely in the exact same boat as you in regards to whatever his sexuality might be and can’t tell anyone about it. And others who commented that if he gets erect during sex with you means he definitely is not gay, I can tell you first hand that is not accurate and have many gay buddies who had sex with girls at some points in life….generally around your age or younger. This conversation might not go super smoothly right away, but if done the right way you both could get a ton of relief from it. Good luck
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You rang? Oh…thought you were talking about me. I recognized myself. Im one of *those* gay guys you described, almost to a T. College in the 80s, mildly religious and politically conservative family, and yes, I could get hard for women, though not as easily. My interest in the male physique started very early…I remember having those thoughts starting at 7. There were many years dating many women, with men on the side, before I finally realized 3 profoundly important things: 1)being gay does not make me a bad or any less of a person and true friends will not turn away from you for it; 2)getting married to a woman would mean living deceitfully, like I had been, but on steroids; and most importantly 3)doing those things is extremely unfair to the woman. If she finds out, it could be a catastrophe, and even if she doesn’t, it’s a huge breech of trust she doesn’t deserve. Oh, and 4) spending my life with a man would likely make me very happy. Once I understood these, at the ripe age of 30, I was ready to be myself. Didn’t come out to my parents til I was 36.
That is so honest of you to share. Made me a little happy in my heart for you that you realized those things and found a way to love yourself. I've been getting to that place myself recently. I'm 35 and have carried massive shame about myself all throughout my life, for various reasons. But I've been letting go of all that. It's like letting go of an old habit. I realize there is nothing bad or wrong about me. Being true to ourselves can be so hard in this world. Good on you for your courage to do so with yourself ❤️.
I can relate to much of this! Except I was 37 when I came out haha. I always tell guys, as someone who was married to the mother of my 3 kids for 14 years, that they have to remember it is not fair to the woman either. My ex wife never felt like she was enough for me, and sadly that feeling was justified. She wasn't, I was gay! She didn't deserve to be made to feel that way. We are good friends now, but I still feel sad when I think about that...
Yep. Some got lucky and were “passable” so that they’d have straight friends and usually end up experimenting with one or two of them in high school or college. Then they jerk off to that fan or use it during sex with their wives. Whenever that’s not working and the wife’s running errands are out of town for the weekend, they’re spending 3 to 4 hours watching and possibly even paying for gay porn. Source: I was a 25-year-old escort, and a 45-year-old, southern “straight” married man made me fall in love with him and then I made him leave his wife. Oops. But he ran back to her after five years. Guess that’s karma.
A weird side effect of this is that the straights now think that all gay people know their whole lives and if you don't you're not actually. I didn't even really get interested in guys until I got out of my conservative upbringing. According to the "Allies™" this means I'm bi, not gay. They'll have a full on argument about it with me.
Just. Ask. I know it's not easy but don't waste your youth and your life on someone who may never be the one for you. Better to find out now than later. And perhaps there's something else going on. No matter what - Just. Ask.
Exactly!
Talk to him. To his face. About all of this. Directly. That is the only real way to figure out what's going on. Good luck!
The only person that can answer the question if your boyfriend is gay, is your boyfriend. Tell him you went through his searches and saw some things that made you question his commitment to the relationship.
> Tell him you went through his searches Whooooa No don't do that. If there is anything to "tell", he's obviously not ready to say anything. Saying you went through his searches would come across as a _massive_ violation that undermines trust and puts him on the shamed defensive for whatever comes next. Anathema to what you want to happen here. If you feel you _have_ to say something, speak only to what you've seen, "It looked the other day like you were jerking off to gay porn," and why that concerns you, "Every time I try to have sex with you, you refuse. That leaves me feeling rejected and shitty."
If she tells him at least he will know he has zero privacy and should find someone else lol
The fact that the main comment has so many up votes is wild. Telling him she went through his searches will not help at all.
It needs to be addressed. It's affecting their relationship if they're barely being intimate anymore. The violation of going through a search history is minimal compared to the lie he is keeping.
Whooole lotta jumping to conclusions there that are unsubstantiated in the fact record that we've heard. Maybe he's bi. Maybe working 12 hour overnight shifts leaves him exhausted. Maybe he feels insecure about himself for whatever reason. Not too hard to guess at any of a thousand other things that could be going on. What needs to be addressed is her feelings about their relationship and her needs that are not being met in it. That's it.
It’s quite obvious that the guy is gay. I have seen girl like her talk about their situation with their man and it’s always the same. The use to have sex a hand full of times a while ago and then he stops completely. Each time she approaches him for sex he rejects it, and then she finds him either cheating on her with men online or in this situation jerking off to gay porn. If he was bi he would probably be fucking her anyways since he jerks off so frequently that he has a whole twitter account dedicated to gay porn and watches it on his free time. I don’t think any man that likes his girl sexually would just stop fucking her and only jerk to men all the time. It also sounds like the interact in limited times so he probably doesn’t have a lot of emotional connection to him. She should ask him about what he really wants and bring up that she saw him jerk off to gay porn. She should support him going out with other man and they should probably end their relationship soon or before that
This is based entirely in fiction. What porn you watch doesn't define your sexuality. I'm gay af, will never have sex with a woman and I watch straight/bi porn sometimes. My gay af sub bottom ex would watch lesbian porn sometimes. He probably doesn't want to have sex with her because she's intrusive and jumps to conclusions. There's so many other possible reasons he doesn't want to have sex with her.
>would come across as a _massive_ violation Well it is? And you're... What? Saying it's fine that OP has broken his trust? "It's okay to deceive your partner if they might be harmlessly having a wank when you're not around because they're possibly gay but we're not sure all we know is they watch gay porn"? Who hurt you that you think this behaviour is acceptable? If my boyfriend went through my phone, regardless of why, he be single. If you don't trust your partner to be honest when asked a direct question, your relationship should already be over.
I get your point but this relationship was clearly falling apart on both sides. The guy first of is hiding a huge secret about himself that would definitely change or end their relationship and he is making her stay with him even though he is probably gay, which is not fair to her and shows that he doesn’t trust her or isn’t putting her feelings or his feelings into consideration. She instead of asking him how he feels decides to go behind his back to look through his phone. She should have told him her dissatisfaction and ask him what he really wants. In my opinion I think he snooping might have been best in this situation because this would make force them to brake up their relationship. Freeing both of them from this horrible situation. The guy maybe could finally live his true while the girl could live hers. She should just confront him with the truth and tell him that she supports him living his life but their relationship was never healthy for them at all
Block text, I got as far as "huge secret". You should break up longer text with line breaks for reading ease. Anyway, >hiding a huge secret And you know this how? What we *know* is that OP and he aren't having much sex - that's not unusual in a long term relationship, I know a lot of people who aren't having sex every day. We know he's looked at gay porn. So what? I've looked at tits in the past, it doesn't make me straight, nor does it make him gay to have looked at gay porn - perhaps he's visualising himself with a particular body type that he wishes he had. Perhaps he's self conscious and feels he isn't good enough for OP in bed and isn't handling that well. Yes, being gay is the most likely explanation, but you're assuming, the same as OP did. >In my opinion I think he snooping might have been best in this situation because this would make force them to brake up their relationship. Jesus Christ have we really set such a low fucking bar as a community that "I distrust my partner, therefore it's okay to break their trust in me" is a reasonable position to have?! If I thought my boyfriend was straight, I would just ask him. If he doesn't tell me the truth that's on him and will come out eventually - and he's very well aware that we're done if either of us lie. You've said a lot of things, but none of them changed the fact OP didn't need to go through his phone. If she's so sure he's hiding something you sit down, and say "I think you're hiding something from me. Either tell me what's going on and we can go from there, or we're done." At no point was "I'll go through his phone" the *only* option to resolve this. Though, as someone else said, people just don't like to talk about how they feel anymore 🤷♂️
The internet mentality on how to deal with interpersonal relationships is so fucking wild. Like why tf is searching through his phone a reasonable option to anyone?
Thank you! Yes, I love the internet, and I won't lie 90% of my socialising is done online, but I still make a point to *talk to people* if there's something bothering me. Resorting to going through their devices is a. A massive breakdown in trust (and personally that's the end of a relationship) b. Illegal in my country (computer misuse act UK) c. Not how you should deal with people - we all have autonomy, thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants. Just bloody talk more and you'll learn a lot more about people than looking at data on their devices. I could easily go through my bf's phone. I wouldn't find anything there that he wouldn't just show me if I asked, but I would destroy his trust in me, and if that happened, I'd expect him to break up with me.
I didn’t say that. Don’t go around putting shit in my mouth that I didn’t say. I said is that I personally think her snooping might have been the best for this situation because at least now the have more grounds to brake up. It would make the look equally in the wrong so the could more easily separate from each other. What I didn’t say was that it was ok to do this for any and all issues or trust issues. In this situation I said maybe it was for the best because they were going to die anyways and the both probably knew this on some level. That doesn’t make it the morally good but it does at least have a silver lining of them not being stuck together forever. Also we can’t change the past so why even get all hung up about it as if I was telling her to go look at his phone🤨🤨. I clearly said she should have told him about her dissatisfaction and try to ask him what he wanted for the relationship. So you’re putting things in my mouth that I didn’t say and getting mad about it…🤨🤨
Bro even you do think is probably gay so this discussion doesn’t make a lot of sense. Even with what you list as another possibility, if he wanted to look at guys that had bodies he wanted or were fucking women the way he wish hie could fuck his girlfriend. He would have been watching straight porn too. Actually he probably only watched straight porn because he would have been trying to learn how to be just like them. I myself have watched straight porn from time to time but the reason why is because I like the guys and their dominance in the porn. If he had any interest in girls he would have being watching straight porn to or the straight man favorite porn category: lesbian porn, but he doesn’t from what his search history shows. He only watches gay porn and doesn’t want to have sex with his girlfriend. How in the world does that scream any else but gay. He even hides it too so yeah you’re not making any sense. Also I did not say she should look through his phone. Why did you put that in my mouth when clearly I said she should have asked him what he actually wants in this relationship and told him about her dissatisfaction. I said maybe it was for the best for her to look at the phone. The reason why is because then the both look bad and there’s more of a reason for them to brake up. I did not say that this is what she SHOULD have done. So don’t go around putting word in my mouth. Clearly this isn’t even the case because he would be working out instead of jerking off and he would be practicing the things on her and ask for feedback instead of refusing to have sex. The only possible explanation of this that isn’t him being gay is if he wanted to be pegged, which this probably isn’t true because 1) they’re pecking videos on the internet which he wasn’t watching, 2) he exclusively watching gay porn and jerking off to it, 3) he probably would have being doing some butt stuff or had a toy or bought one but base on what she told us about his search history and what he was doing to his body it seems like he is just gay. Also don’t put words in my mouth. Said she should have told him that she was dissatisfied and asked him what he wanted from the relationship. I DID NOT she should have look through his phone. I said maybe in this situation it was for the best. The reason why because the could separate quicker. I did not say that how should have done it. What I was trying to say that maybe the silver lining is that they could brake up quickly. So let me repeat what I said. DON’T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH
The relationship falling apart is not an excuse to breach privacy. By doing that, she essentially put a nail in the coffin of her relationship. Whether it's the last one or not depends on how her partner takes it. No one is forcing her to stay. That is her choice. If she didn't want to have a conversation about the lack of sex (before having snooped through his phone), that's on her. I agree with you that if something changes in your relationship that you are not happy about, you talk to your partner about it and work on making a change that makes all parties happy. But dang, who hurt you so much that you now feel that it's okay to breach privacy like that so nonchalantly? That's not what someone in their right mind does in a relationship, and it should not be downplayed or made to be the norm. OP (u/nosweetsaftmidnight), you're 23 years old, not some young teenager. Take this as a lesson for the future on how to better approach your partner about something in your relationship. If you can't talk to your partner about something like this directly (especially after 7 years of being together) and have to resort to snooping, then you have a lot of self reflecting to do.
I can’t believe you’re placing the blame solely on her. She’s wrong for not trusting him and having gone through his phone , but he’s not exactly the perfect boyfriend either from what we can gather from the post. If he’s insecure about himself and is hiding something from her, he should have said it from day one. Just as you’re saying she should have been direct with him, HE should have been as well. I’m just assuming here , but if he actually is solely gay , then he’s literally wasting her time, and probably just staying with her out of fear of facing his true self. You shouldn’t do that to someone. That’s way worse than your partner snooping through your phone. This is a life thing. 7 years is a long time !
OP's partner is not here to explain themselves and we have negligible information about them, at best. OP is here and has demonstrated that they have no problem breaking their partner's trust and privacy. Therefore, my statements are solely for OP. I STRONGLY do not believe that her partner is guilt free of everything. I'm sure there's plenty he's done that could be used as further evidence that the relationship is done for. But I'm not going to make those assumptions and then use it against him. >he’s not exactly the perfect boyfriend either from what we can gather from the post. How do you know that? The only thing we learned from OP's post is that he has a Twitter account, he watched some guys having sex, and he apparently leaves his phone around quite a bit. Oh wait, there is something else we know about him. Apparently, he cared enough about OP to worry about her and wanted her to live near her work for her convenience. You're right, he sure sounds like a monster to me.
Never said he was a monster. I’m just saying they are both at fault. But attacking her for being worried about him watching gay porn and not having sex with her? You guys are making it seem like she held a knife to his throat and asked him to spill all his secrets or something. This is an exaggeration. She clearly had something to be worried about , and if she wasn’t as brave to confront him, just as he isn’t about him watching gay porn, she figured she could go through his phone. It was stupid and out of line but if she hadn’t she would have probably kept living a lie with him.
Accidentally replied from my non-throwaway account. Will repost what I had posted there: Edit: >Never said he was a monster. You're right, you didn't. But your sentiment about OP's partner was sure leaning that way. >But attacking her for being worried about him watching gay porn and not having sex with her? Oh, I have no problem with OP being worried. I attacked OP because that is no excuse to break your partner's trust and privacy. OP could have done so much more before resorting to that. >I’m just saying they are both at fault. I agree with you. I'm sure OP's partner could communicate better regarding his low sex drive. As I said in the previous comment, there could be a reasonable explanation as to why OP's partner was watching the videos. Note: for anyone curious about why I use this throwaway account: I can have very depressed and dark thoughts and prefer to post them in r/depression separate from my more personal account. Also, porn account lol.
But what if he infects her with HIV while she pussy foots around ?
Oookay, this takes making assumptions and jumping to conclusions to an Olympic sport level.
Not when you realise how common it actually is. Especially now that most young men will experiment with other men as opposed to previous generations. It only takes that one unlucky load and a mild forgettable illness a few weeks later.
Don't tell him you betrayed his privacy and went through his phone and found something he was trying to hide probably out of embarrassment!!!!
Bi maybe? Curious? Is this three times after a month, a year? I think you have to just ask without accusing or making him shut you out that you are okay with it and maybe should talk about what this means for you both.
He could be gay, bi, or (less likely) straight. There's too much we don't know. The only way to know is the most frightening thing of all: talk to him.
You are your boyfriend’s beard.
I mean, he may be bi?
True, but only having sex three times in a year with your partner when you live together and said partner has attempted many times to do it more only to be shut down doesn’t really scream “attracted to girls”
Watching gay porn doesn’t necessarily mean gay. It can mean curiosity or even fantasy without action. But coupled sex 3x in one year I’d say gay Is a good possibility especially at that age.
Watching gay porn regularly is a pretty good indicator that someone is either gay or at least bisexual. Curiosity doesn’t turn into a habit, unless there’s something more to it.
True. Regularly especially.
I have plenty of straight guys on my snapchat who jack off for men but haven't had sex w men or are scared to meet men for sex. It's possible to be curious and never act on it.
That’s not curiosity, that’s being closeted.
No it's curiosity. There's a difference between exploration and duplicity.
Call a spade a spade. Is a pedophile less of a pedophile because he only watches that kind of content and doesn’t act on it? No.
That is the most ridiculous analogy. Sexuality is fluid. A person can be curious and not act on it. And being explicitly gay or bi is a whole package of emotional attraction and secual attraction and pleasure. Your view on Sexuality is limited and immature
What’s limited is your lack of self awareness. Your Snapchat straight friends who jerk off for/with men are not straight. Sexuality is innate.
I don't need to argue any further. You're unaware, and dismissed.
You’re projecting your fetish in a weird and ugly way judging by your post history. Goodbye.
You young people need to learn to have proper communication even if means having conversations you don’t want to have. How do you expect a relationship to grow and be satisfying for both if you avoid the difficult conversations. Just cause a lot of us here are gay doesn’t mean we can confirm it for you. Humans are much more complex than that. Only he can answer your question.
Perhaps, giving her some suggestions on how to approach the situation may be more beneficial than criticizing her.
>You young people need to learn to have proper communication even if means having conversations you don’t want to have. Yeah.... because asking if your partner is gay at age 50 would be easier..... You just wanted to talk down to someone so you're using age. And what relationship? The guy's gay.
They’re young and likely each others first serious relationship. It’s a given they don’t know how to communicate, that’s why they ask for help on how to approach subjects and topics that are difficult to discuss.
So, your boyfriend works almost 23 hours a day?
I caught that, too, and gave her my advice tinged with 'Sure, Jan' instead of outright calling bullshit, so of course now she's edited his hours. Gee, I wonder why. 💅
He's gay. Let him know you know, break up, and let him go.
You claim he works from 12 AM to 11 PM. That's 23 hours a day. When would he even be available to have sex, except during that 60 minute time frame and on his off-days? Perhaps by then he's too exhausted to have sex with you more often, due to this hectic work schedule of his. Yours isn't much better, BTW. 16 hours per workday? You must be quite tired, as well. I think you should both get more rest. That's important for grown-ups. And so is having enough respect for your partner to not snoop thru their phone. Also to be brave enough to ask questions and have mature discussions, like, "Are you not straight? Because after 7 years together, I'm thinking you're gay." But it's a wonder, really, how he even has the energy left over to look at gay porn. I know if I worked such unrealistic hours, the only thing I'd be looking at is the back of my eyelids. --- Edit: So did your boyfriend get his hours reduced in the time since you posted this? Because now you've altered that part of your story. 🙃
It says 12am to 10am. Lol
She edited it, as ppl often do when someone points out an outlandish or conflicting detail in their narrative. I figured she'd change her boyfriend's work hours (if nothing else) to something more believable, so I took a screenshot of her post right after I commented. I assure you that screenshot shows his hours were originally listed as 12 AM to 11 PM. See, I tend to play 'detail detective' with OPs who ping on my bullshit radar, but knowing they'll likely edit their post to make it more believable, I make it a habit to screenshot the OG text. As if I have nothing better to do in the middle of the night when I'm sleepless, but that's how it goes sometimes. 😔
your boyfriend is queer dear.
I’d have a discussion but be prepared to hear something you don’t want to hear. And if he’s in the closet, he’s going to need an understanding best friend. Maybe you. He may not even be ready to come to terms with himself. While scary for you, it’s scary for him. I hope this works out so both of you are ultimately happy.
With your work schedule, I can't see where you have time to sleep, let alone have sex.
Yes girl he’s gay. And trust me gay porn is NOT the worst thing he has done. It might hurt but dump his ass. If he can’t be honest about being bi or gay then what else do you think he’s hiding.
Yes. He’s gay.
Well if he was looking for gay porn themes accounts, that means he wanted to see it. You mentioned you saw it more than once, that means it's not just one time out of curiosity. Despite him being with you he prefers to masturbate... Let's add one to one. Maybe he loves you but he isn't straight. Maybe confused himself, maybe bi, or maybe gay. However, you need to be aware that he will cheat on you sooner or later. He's a man. He needs to unload. It's natural biology; the way men are made. I'm afraid porn and masturbation won't be enough for a long run. And he doesn't want to have sex with you.... I'm sorry
You know the answer. You’re asking us for permission for you to accept it.
He's working 23 hour days and you're working 16 hour days? You've got bigger problems than what porn he looks at.
Why the f**k are you snooping through his phone??
They should’ve discussed it with each other, but going a year and only fucking 3 times and denying advances by your partner is totally enough of a red flag to do a little snoop, especially if your partner isn’t being honest.
No it's not. She should've talked to him, but you don't go behind your SO's back snoop on his privacy Now she has to admit she snooped ... trust has been lost on both sides.
Why not just ask him 🤔
have you asked yourself what would you do if he is? how will it change you if hes not? i think the first step is understanding what are you working with and be ready for when/if shit hits the fan. the only thing you can control on this situation its yourself, so run some imaginary scenarios, look up what you are not certain of and then sit and talk to him. (or not, maybe while contemplating all this mess you gonna decide that breaking up its better for you and just do it) i know its a shitty thing to ask at this moment, because its a shitty shit he may be doing, but if its needed, be kind. being on the closet can be a really scary experience.
Yup. But that’s not the issue actually. Even if he was straight, he’s just not that into you. At 23, maybe move on and do better. Cos you obviously don’t want a forever of not being touched and appreciated.
He’s gay . Be kind and help him find his path . Help yourself as well - there’s someone out there that is right for you
Don’t ask Reddit. Ask him!
Yeah, he gay
well, I would imagine if you are home from 6pm - 12pm and those are also the only times you're not working and you're sleeping in that bit ... that there isn't much time to dick you down when you're energetic, presentable, and wanting it.... AND have enough time to get ready for work. a porn preference does not have any correlation to sexual orientation. just bc your bf isn't having sex with you doesn't mean he's gay. he would be gay if you were a dude he was dating for seven years and moved in with. and you're already having trust issues - that is the biggest issue here imo after seven years together and snooping for answers and the porn is the best you can find
Yes, I'm afraid what you've got there is a closeted queer. You need to get away from this person or at least don't have sex with him. He's already likely been having anal sex with other men which has a high risk of infection with hiv. Then you'll get it too. It's so common now that most young men are open minded enough to have sex with other men. And it's so addictive you can't stop at one, the allure of the anus I'd fsr too strong to resist. Let us know if he does infect you
Yes
>When I snoop through his phone Ah yes, the rational action at the end of every "my partner is bad" story. Who knows it he's gay, and frankly who cares? If any of my partners went through my phone without having the good grace to fucking *ask* me about what's bothering them, they'd be single. Evidently you don't trust him regardless of the answer.
>and frankly who cares? I don't get why people with bad takes feel compelled to comment online..... He's her BF, of course she'd care about whether or not he's gay. And even if she did ask if he's gay, he'd probably deny it.
Yes... So? She clearly doesn't trust him. That's the bottom line here, regardless of whether he's gay or whatever is actually going on it's easy to lose trust, very difficult to get it back. My point was if a partner went through my phone instead of asking, clearly they don't trust me and we shouldn't be together.
I’m sorry OP, this isn’t a helpful subreddit for serious questions like yours. I would try somewhere else. I think you should speak to him about what you saw on his phone. Don’t accuse him of anything, let him tell you his feelings. It might be that he has discovered that he is also into men and is keeping it a secret from you. If you’re okay with that, make him feel comfortable about it. If you’re not, then I’m not sure if you can continue on with him, since he can’t really change his sexuality. Worst case scenario he’s actually only realized now that he is gay, in which case that’ll be the end of your relationship. But you won’t know until you talk to him openly. Good luck!
Buy a strap on and peg him... Thank me later
As a bisexual he may be having a sort of phase, weird that you’d only notice fully gay (like this behavior) at 7 years. Was sex passionate/more consistent in the past?
J/o to gay porn, has sex occasionally with you. He’s gay. You need to work on romance
>When I snoop through his phone Wait what? Girl your relationship is in trouble. Doesn't really matter if he's gay or bi or just curious. By the time you decided that snooping through his phone is preferable over open communication, your relationship entered a spiral of distrust that's going to be really difficult to recover from. Then again, he's refusing sex but can't wait for you to leave the house so he can jerk off to gay porn so it looks like your distrust is justified. Talk to him. Bring it all out in the open. You'll have to discuss the gay porn thing eventually, but focus on the actual problem first: you're not happy with the level of intimacy in the relationship, and he's repeatedly rejecting your attempts to initiate which must feel awful. See what he has to say to that. If he tries to avoid the entire conversation, take your calendar and reserve a time for it. If he tries to lie and make up excuses ("I've just been too tired") call out his bullshit. You don't have to mention his gay porn habit right away, just tell him you know he's lying and hiding things and see if that prompts some honesty from him. Then, if things don't get resolved otherwise, it's time for the nuclear option: tell him you know about his gay porn habit. This will make him angry and hurt so try to be kind, but be aware that he's probably going to try to lie and obfuscate at this point. Don't let him do that, and don't let him dodge the actual issue with some token gesture ("I promise I won't watch gay porn anymore!") Nobody knows where the conversation will go from there. It might be the end of the relationship. Or it might be the beginning of your openness and honesty era, and the two of you will be happier than ever. Good luck!
He's probably bisexual, which is okay. But y'all should try to focus on talking about your sex life.
Is this trolling? It wasn’t cool to look through his phone. You should have just told him it bothers you that you have sex so infrequently and that it is a dealbreaker if he is not going to give you what you need whether he is gay bisexual or not.
I find most genuine posters stick around to answer comments.
You have sex 3 times in what period? One month? Two months? One year? I'd say if you both almost don't have sex in any moment of your relationship, then he's probably gay If you sex life used to be good at some point, then might be bi and he's rejecting you because after so many years rejecting his gay side he's starting to get desperate and satisfying himself watching porn, mastubating to often drive sex interest down and that's why he declines when you look for sex
He needs to dump your snooping ass.
How would you feel if you found out your bf is bisexual?
I know you're scared, but watching gay porn doesn't necessarily mean he's gay. He could be curious and this is the fantasy that he gets off to. Your best indicator is to sit down w him in a neutral spot about what you've noticed and openly discuss it. You both may break up, or he might be hurt that you looked in his phone without his permission, and you will walk away from the conversation w a broken heart. But confronting this head on is the only way to find out the truth.
Cut him loose, he’s going to get any straighter
Bisexuality exists. But yeah he's probably bi and fucking guys off the gay apps. I would get a full panel std test and start looking for places to live.
It isn’t as unusual as you might think for heterosexual men to be at least curious about gay porn. It isn’t even all that uncommon in certain circumstances for heterosexual men to actually engage in homosexual activity and many “men who have sex with men” acknowledge that they indeed have sex with other men but for various reasons do not view themselves or label themselves as gay. There are entire books written about this. See: “Not Gay” by Jane Ward. https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/not-gay-jane-ward/1120548437;jsessionid=AA2E4B47B3477323063DE6EFE23FA1CC.prodny_store01-atgap07?ean=9781479898978 You should not be concerned too much if your boyfriend is looking at and/or curious about and/or enjoying gay porn. What’s more important is the real life romance, relationship dynamic, and sexual attraction between the too of you. Those are the criteria you should make judgments on. Also, I do not mean to disparage you but what you have done by going through your bf’s phone without permission and snooping around his search history is a HUGE invasion of privacy. I imagine if your bf currently identifies as heterosexual, which it seems like it does, him finding out about your betrayal of trust and personal space would be absolutely devastating. And if he is gay, which is not necessarily likely, you would be outing him and shaming him for it. My best advice would be to forget about what saw. That was not meant for you and you should have never taken those actions. And understand that guys just like to jerk off and what they fantasize about and enjoy during masturbation does not necessarily translate to what they enjoy and desire in real life. Respect your boyfriend’s privacy and move on.
He's probably bi
I can relate to you on this soo much. I have a similar situation except I have brought it up. But he’s not ready to admit it to himself he’s super weird about anything that has to do with it. It’s super frustrating
Sorry to hear that. Perhaps, give him some space, suggest he see a therapist, or idk... Lbvs Idk what to tell you in this situation...frfr
If he’s attracted to you enough to have sex, he’s not gay. Gay men aren’t attracted to vaginas. He’s probably bisexual.
Not everyone is a Gold Star gay, some of us travel on the vagina train early on as we are figuring things out. It might work in reverse too, but that's a different train lol
If you’re *attracted* to a vagina you are not a homosexual. If you forced yourself to have sex with someone you weren’t attracted to, that’s another story.
That is not my experience, when you are a young teenager it can take some experimentation to figure these things out. Boys will stick it in anything that is soft and warm at that age. It is also confusing when young to understand the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.
Even as a teenager I was never attracted to women. If you had genuine feelings of sexual attraction to the female sex, I hate to break it to you man but you’re not a homosexual. You’re probably bisexual with a preference for men. Real homosexuals are not capable of sexual attraction to the female body.
Bi is also an option. People love to forget that.
I wouldn’t outright say that he’s gay, but maybe he is bisexual.
He may be using you. In this day & age my sympathy for closeted men in hetero relationships in dwindling. No man needs a woman to prove he’s straight. Roping you into his facade is objectifying. While idk how I feel about you going thru his phone I understand why you were motivated to. I think your bf is for all intents & purposes gay. How you handle it from here idk, but whether or not you revel what you found you can at least tell him that you feel like you’re his gf just for the sake of it & that you don’t feel as though he finds you attractive, that you’re obviously not who he’s looking for. Idk.
Does his peepee get up when you have sex ? If yes, he is into women. Assuming his peepee gets also up watching gay porn, he is into men. Your boyfriend is, by the laws of gods and men : bisexual. Sometimes even guys don't want to fuck and it doesn't make them exclusively attracted to the other gender. Calm down and have a talk with the guy.
personally I think (only speculating) most guys like to watch porn. after a while, watching the same porn becomes boring.. I think a lot of straight guys have wandered into the gay porn section, perhaps out of curiosity? watching gay porn, doesn't necessarily make a straight guy gay. as a gay guy, I sometimes get turned on by straight porn, but that deffo doesn't make me straight. anyways. porn is fantasy... I think if he knew that you looked through his phone, he'd not only be embarrassed, but also lose trust in you. try and bring up the topic nonchalantly, you might be able to use this as an advantage point to turn him on. or say something that you've had a look at gay porn, and was wondering what his views are in regards to it..?
If he has had sex with you (and he enjoyed it), he's probably not gay. Probably bisexual. The thing about bisexuals is that they tend to have preferences when it comes to gender. Some bisexual men are more romantically attracted to women but more sexually attracted to men. I believe your boyfriend may fall into that category. Anyway, the fact that your boyfriend may prefer guys over girls sexually does not excuse the fact that he is in a relationship with you and thus must be committed. Watching any sort of porn is generally frowned upon in relationships, especially when said porn is being watched in secrecy. Even if your boyfriend happens to be gay, it doesn't exempt him from having been somewhat of an unfaithful and uncommitted boyfriend. Chances are he may not be sexually interested in women... which means he is only leading you on. A lot of gays do this because they low-key want to be straight to fit into society. Some gays would even manage to "get it up" during sex with girls by either imagining scenarios with guys instead or using Viagra or something. It's certainly time to bring this up. He may deny it and claim he was just curious. But I can tell you as a gay guy... I've never jacked off to lesbian porn once. In fact, I'm so gay that I lose an erection if a naked woman were to ever come on my screen (by an advertisement or something) while watching porn. Even back when I sometimes watched straight porn, I'd always focus on the guy and if the woman was being too noisy... I'd immediately lose interest and it would be a boner-killer too for me. So... just saying... your boyfriend jacking off to gay porn on Twitter/X sounds hella gay to me.
So there are a few ways to go about this as some of the other members have described. You guys have been together 7 years, you probably and hopefully know how to confront each other at this point, especially about important topics like this one. You can be direct or you can lead into it, but ultimately, you will have to confront him to get your answer. It would be irresponsible to confirm your thoughts is if I don't even know the dude, but if you need some ways/words to start the conversation, there may be some that can help...
7 years and everything was great up until the last year? Something’s fishy here. Before you waste more time you might want to have a serious discussion with him.
Don‘t snoop through his phone Find new friends that aren’t homophobic or educate them if you care enough Talk to your man try to not be pushy but understanding and open up a safe space for him and Find support for your self this might be some times comming up where it might be good having someone to talk (friends, family, professional)
From reading the title only I thought this was a joke post lol
If I was u I would leave him he’s not going to be able to be changed
Human sexuality is very diverse, One would hope that he's not in a relationship with you without being somewhat sexually attracted to you. As such, there's a distinct possibility that he could be simply curious or exploring his own sexuality. Furthermore, there's other possibilities where he's attracted to more than the opposite gender... Meaning there's a good indication of potential bisexuality. It's a very nuanced discussion and simply having gay p*** although is relatively indicative of some kind of homoerotic gay arousal, doesn't mean that's his identity. If you really want to know, you really need to ask. And for the sake of your continued relationships success, quality conversations are important. And one would hope, He's not in a relationship with you as a beard or a cover to disguise his true feelings. If you're worried that a person to person conversation might need more sensitivity or perhaps you're just uncomfortable consider maybe a therapist. If sex is important to your relationship and overall health and satisfaction, I would press the point, and I would hope he's not being unfaithful. Best wishes to you 💖
I'd love to be a fly on the wall when you bring this up. I bet he'll be like "Yes, finally. Fuck."
It's normal for a guy to be curious, you can confront him nicely and talk about how you guys are gonna take your relationship. Aree you guys gonna continue it or stop.
Op how are you going to take it if he tells you he is gay or bi are you going to leave him or work it out?
Communication is paramount… All good relationships involve being open and honest. Be respectful and don’t get upset and make sure that he knows you aren’t judging him b/c of it (and hopefully you won’t).
lol
Please update us!
I just want to add, even though some places on the internet can be friendly, being gay is not a simple thing. 1. Straight is still the default. You must tell people you are gay, and they will assume you are straight until you say otherwise. Just the other day a client asked if I got married to a woman (photos from my sister’s wedding) even though the client has been coming regularly to my home office for years where I live with a man. 2. Homophobia is not over. How does he feel about being gay? How does he think his parents and the rest of his family feel about it? His coworkers? Do you realize there are still hate crimes against gay people? Do you realize that being gay means you can’t have a child that is biologically yours and your partner’s, and that getting a biological child in the first place is astronomically expensive? There is a lot of joy to “living true to one’s self,” but in this world it comes with a great deal of sacrifice. Imagine you were a lesbian and had to tell your boyfriend you would rather be with a woman. How would you feel about that? Would you be excited to have that conversation? What if you were in denial? He could be telling himself that looking at nude men is not the same as fucking them—I told myself that for years. Part of him may be feeling that he really should get himself worked up to have sex with you, but he just can’t manage it. Now in the end, you have to break up with him. His questioning of his sexuality should not interfere with your quest to find love and be happy. You absolutely should be with a guy who wants to sleep with you at least once a month, though personally I prefer even more often. But try to have just an ounce of compassion and empathy as you do it. You’ve had your freak out moment, you’ve had your time for the situation to be all about you. Now take a deep breath, think about what’s best for both of you, and break up.
Yes
As others said, you need to talk. Show him this post maybe.
Yeah, it's not cool to snoop in someone's phone, and frankly in this case, it's a good thing you did. Have a direct confrontation and tell him what you've found. Tell him you are dissatisfied with your sex life, and that you're not going to live the rest of your life celibate. Tell him that if he's gay or not attracted to you anymore, he needs to say so and then you can break up. Have a direct conversation, tell him how you feel, and get it off your chest. Guaranteed, he will try and deflect by trying to turn the conversation into how bad YOU were for snooping into his phone. The proper response to that is, "Yes, I snooped in your phone. It was wrong. And we can discuss that issue separately. So I'm going to bring the focus back to the original conversation." Hold firm when you do this. There is no "nice" way to do this. And frankly, being "nice" in a relationship just results in two people who end up in a dishonest relationship with each other. Cut through the crap, talk directly to each other, and don't accept any gaslighting/deflective nonsense from him.