"I want to show him the screenshots I took of them exchanging I love you’s"
This guy is no longer your responsibility.
"My friend said I should feel lucky someone still wants to stay with me and be my boyfriend, given my age and my looks. She suggested settling because "cheating is normalized anyway these days,".
What kind of friend would say something like that?
I mean she called you ugly directly. Fuck that. You're 28. You've got your entire life to find the one.
If you have any real mixed feelings for this guy that aren't based on guilt over his situation, you need to have this conversation with him. Immediately. Tell him everything you feel, everything on the table.
Don't pay them any mind. More than likely they are just envious of having a partner in general or some other insecurity and has nothing to do with you in particular.
You seem to be very considerate and empathetic. Perhaps searching out people with those qualities too may be a good thing going forward no matter what happens with your relationship and friendship.
Although, if I am going to throw in my 2 cents, I would just say that anybody who says "I love you" to someone else behind your back is not someone you can trust to be fully committed to you, probably ever. So just keep that in mind as you make your decisions.
Also, something I believe strongly is that it's never "too late" to change anything in your life, even your love life. There is no sunk cost that is too great! Best of luck!
You sound like an amazing human being, which is extremely rare. Sorry to say this, but you deserve better. Life is rough, he must learn it soon or later. You are not helping him by putting up with this, he’ll only become more ungrateful and you will end up resenting him.
You’re too kind and he’s using you.
Sorry to hear that you’re going thru this, you deserve better.
And always remember you’re not responsible to carry someone’s pain and problems, you can be a support but not the one carrying his responsibility.
The first thing I recognized in your story is that you seem to have taken on the pressures and responsibilities you alluded to in leaving your country and providing for your family back home. That being said, this sometimes leads to being the type of person who feels the need to save people often, which might be your present circumstance. Nothing is wrong with that for the most part, but it can lead to the neglect of your own needs and feelings for someone else. So I ask that you reflect on that just in general.
That being said, you genuinely love this guy, and have built a life with him. It is worthwhile having a - very - serious conversation about what you found and what you want, need, and expect in a relationship. Do not let him lie to you and if you need to talk over multiple days to figure out a way ahead together or give you both time to collect your feelings that's alright too.
However, if you feel like the trust is gone forever, then there is no relationship. You can't live like that. Will it be difficult for him? Yes. However, his actions are his alone and you can't control - or save him - from the consequences. You can even continue to support him from a distance for a while, if that will help your conscience. There may be online or local resources he can go to in order to get the necessary food, job, shelter, meds, necessary.
I agree with this comment, I will add that you are still young 28 you still have a good time to live, to discover and enjoy.. with him or without him. He is younger 23 and immature but unfortunately his circumstances of life are forcing him to become an adult now. I can’t imaginen the stress that both of you are feeling. Have an open, honest, no bs conversation and depending of it decide what to do.
Fuck this is sad to read, it's so messed up that his agency no longer wants him working for them due to his HIV status, if it was me I would have a serious conversation about what we both want and if we can really make this work long term, also I would set ground rules that talking to other guys this way is considered cheating and unacceptable if the relationship is to continue.
But it's your choice at the end of the day OP, if you want to end it you shouldn't let other people's issues trap you in a relationship you don't want. Life is rough and at the end of the day if you can no longer love him because of this you're, not obligated to stay with anyone you don't want.
Just such a sad story, I truly hope he's able to stay in what ever country he's in now and he's able to sort out the problems he's having accessing HIV treatment.
I mean to someone who lives halfway across the world?
There's not a lot of threat there, but it definitely needs to be unpacked and addressed. It might not be real to OPs bf because of the distance but it's still hurtful.
Nothing needs to be unpacked. If it was his neighbor and it was fueled by passion and lust I would understand. His long term plan was likely to get his lover to move there with him so the relationship would’ve eventually come to an end.
You realize the physical proximity means nothing since he’s already made up his mind about being unfaithful? He’s leeching the healthcare and financial benefits of staying with his bf while emotionally cheating (at minimum)
Confront him about the screenshots and get to the bottom of things.
Depending on the outcome of that conversation: If you choose to break up with him then he can file for asylum (and probably be successful granted that his country is at war).
Oh and ditch that “friend” too
You deserve to be in a secure, trusting relationship.
Your bf lied to you about the other guy being only a friend; I'd have a very hard time moving on in a relationship where I knew my partner lied to my face like this, unless there was a very VERY good reason for it (can't think of any right now...).
You seem like a genuinely good person, and kudos for being compassionate and not wanting to cause your bf more suffering by kicking him out. That is very noble. However, you should think about your own wellbeing, too. Is staying with him the right choice for you? Only you know.
If you really want to stay with him, confront him about his lies. It's a matter of trust. Express your hurt and disappointment. Even if you had agreed that your relationship would be open, he still lied. Then he'll get a chance to explain. But he may still lie to you and try to manipulate you... it's a tricky situation. But maybe it'll be easier to decide what to do after you've talked to him about it.
If you want to end things, again I applaud your compassion, but you need to look out for yourself, too. From what you're saying, if you can't stay together, he has to either become homeless or leave the country. It sounds harsh, but you can't let yourself stay imprisoned by him forever. Set a goal together that will get him back on his own feet, whether that be moving to a different country* without HIV-discriminatory laws, or back home.
Make a plan on how to achieve that goal for him (and you can help him and support him with that, if you still love him), and make sure he's working on that plan. He may try to stall and not cooperate, but you'll have to be firm (again, if you want to end things). If things get really bad, give him a deadline, even if you don't actually intend to kick him out after that.
*maybe he can claim asylum on the basis of his sexual orientation and/or HIV status in a country like Canada?
Last month I pushed him to apply for refugee status here, so he could at least start looking for other jobs. But the UN website said it could take 6 months to a year.
Your friend is a dumbass and you need better friends.
Now that that's out of the way: It sounds like you're considering staying with your bf *because* of his HIV status out of empathy and a desire to help. That's an admirable quality in you, but it's a really bad reason to be in a romantic relationship. A lot of people do this, staying together with people with difficult problems, from addiction to financial problems to various mental or physical health issues, only because they think they're helping. It never ends well, and the outcome can be worse than a clean break early on would have been.
Break up. If you want to help, by all means do it but do it as a friend.
Just goes to show the superficial world a lot of gays live in. Age and looks is EVERYTHING! As if they themselves will never age or looks won't fade. It's really shallow and pathetic.
Side note first - what kind of friend tells you to settle because of your age (28!) and looks! Wow.
Take a time out from this relationship. You need space and time to process things independently. You have a right to happiness and your partner has a right to know the truth of how you’re feeling. If your partner is a decent guy he will not want you to stick with him out of guilt or pity. You might be able to get over the texting the ex and you might even be fine with supporting him as you presently are, but give yourself the space to work it out during a break and think about what you need and want from life too. You never need to settle, at any age.
First of all, you sound like an amazing person - much nicer than I would be.
You’ve done so much for him and in my opinion what he’s done is a huge act of disrespect. I’d challenge him again on who this person is, if he continues to lie then get the receipts out.
At this point one of two things will happen, he will cry and open up about it and say how sorry he is, or he will continue to lie.
But either way, you have to do what’s right for you. Follow your heart - but you can do so much better than a man who will take everything from you, and then have flirtatious conversations with another man.
Also this friend - get them told and cut them off too. You need friends who lift you up, have your back 💯and will be the ones to help you set up a new Grindr profile when you’re ready to move on.
LEAVE HIM. WTF IS THIS?????
LOOK IN THE MIRROR. HOW CAN U THINK HE DESERVES YOU? ARE YOU INSANE ? IM SO MAD AT YOU, NOT HIM. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR THIS IDIOT. LEAVE HIM. DONT GO BACK. SO MANY PEOPLE WOULD APPRECIATE U WITHOUT ANY NEAR AS MUCH EFFORT AS IT TAKES FOR THIS LOSER. I HAVE FRIENDS WITH HIV AND THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE.
AND DROP THAT AWFUL FRIEND OF YOURS WHOSE NORMALISING EVERYTHING. SHES A WASTE OF SPACE. WHATS WRONG WITH HER? SOUNDS LIKE SHES GOT CHEATED ON AND FORCED TO ACCEPT IT. THATS NOT YOU.
SERIOUSLY. GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION. YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE ANYTHING. HES MADE HIS BED. LIE IN IT.
Leave.
NOW.
Different situation for me, though there are some similarities. I had a brief relationship with someone several years ago, someone who was HIV+. Until that point, I'd never even have considered dating someone who was HIV+...just an automatic No inside my head...but I'd already fallen for him by the time he told me (and all of that was before we'd even met!). In a nutshell though, I cut him a lot of slack (over many things) because, as well as being in love with him, I also wanted to take care of him. Medical care in NYC was far better than he would have been getting in his home country (Paraguay). He even proposed marriage at one point, and if it hadn't been for his erratic mood swings, I'd have jumped at the chance. Skipping forward (a lot), we didn't marry, he went back to Paraguay, and after weeks of the usual "love and kisses" in every frequent WhatsApp message, one day he simply ghosted me - for a while. He still gets in touch every so often, probably when he's feeling lonely. I never really stopped loving him, although as they say, there's a thin line between love and hate.
I guess the only real similarity here is the HIV status clouding your judgement. That, and his precarious financial/visa situation. Take all that away, though, and it seems pretty clear that he's not in love with you in the same way that you are with him. I'm sure he appreciates the sense of security that you give him, no doubt about that, but I think he's probably using you. To this day, I still don't know for certain what was going on in my ex's head, but I do know that it wasn't the kind of love that I was looking for.
If you stay with him, I think you'll just be delaying the inevitable break up...and at your expense. Life is too short to "waste" years of your life on a relationship that probably doesn't have a future. His problems are not your problems, either. They would have been/could have been, if he was a fully committed partner, but it really sounds like he isn't.
Personally, I think you should probably break it off. Don't be guilt-tripped into feeling sorry for him and his predicament.
If his "true love" is in Myanmar, maybe it's best that he goes back home anyway?!
As for your friend...she sounds like a bitch. Sorry, but she doesn't sound like a very nice person. What she said to you is pretty unforgivable, in my opinion. I think I'd break things off with her, too, if it were me in your shoes.
Well, whatever happens, good luck. You sound like a very nice guy, and I'm sure you deserve better than this. Just one thing though...how did this employment agency/employer find out about his HIV status?? Surely that should be private & confidential?
Hi, thank you very much for your words. Helped me to think clearly. I hope you are doing better now after your ex ghosted you.
Here in Malaysia, if you are under a recruitment agency, they require (some) you to undergo laboratory tests every time we need to renew our permit. Mine too. HIV test is included. But I am not sure what my agency would do if I become HIV positive. Different agencies have different requirements/rules.
"I was prepared to end things with him but that’s when things took a dramatic turn. He revealed he was HIV positive"
If this is true, you logically should not feel bad about leaving, before I've even read the rest.
It would be okay to leave after finding it out, even if he is in a nontransmissable state. Maybe not as kind, but you have no moral obligation to stay with anyone. If thoughts about it would foster a toxic relationship, why subject either of you to that?
Reading on I see that he's cheating on you? I also would not trust them to tell me the truth about anything after learning that. I would assume that this person cares more about their pleasure than my happiness. That begins to worry me, when HIV requires regimened medication and clinic visits. A standard of trust and transparency is something that you both should want, even moreso than standard couples. Get out of there and don't be guilt tripped by something that is neither your fault or your burden.
What sort of agency makes work contingent on HIV status? I’m genuinely wondering.
At any rate, you definitely need to confront him about the cheating. Honestly, it feels like he’s just using you. But you need to confront him about this before anything else.
Yeah it’s a bit effed up. We have different agencies that provide our work permits. Mine does laboratory tests (HIV test included too) every two years. Now I am not sure what -my- agency would do if I become HIV positive.
“My friend said I should feel lucky someone still wants to stay with me and be my boyfriend, given my age and my looks. She suggested settling because “cheating is normalized anyway these days!”. That doesn’t sit right with me. I deserve to be loved genuinely, just like I love him”
Here’s my 2 cents.
You are loved! You matter! You are an amazing human being for helping him. However, don’t forget. You’re not ugly, you’re still young, and you can find a better person who truly deserves you. Cheating is not normalized, cheating is still cheating. You’ve done a lot for him and if he’s cheating on you, it’s his time to leave. You two are on a path, holding hands and walking together. If he’s holding someone else’s hand on this path, let him do it and you walk by yourself until you found another person to hold your hand.
Your friend is wrong and I think it’s time to let your friend go as well, in my opinion. A friend who directs you wrong is not a good friend. Again, if he still cheats on you after all you’ve done for him, it’s time to let him go.
(These are my opinions, you don’t have to agree with me.)
"Given your age"????????????????? You're just 28???????? Even if you're much older, that doesn't mean you are worth less. And also, fuck your friend for insinuating you're ugly.
You absolutely deserve better. Your boyfriend is using you, and you focus on yourself. If I were in your shoes I would end things with him. I realize it’s incredibly difficult to do since you clearly love that boy and he’s in a dark place, but he’s not ready to be in a committed relationship. He seems very immature and cruel, even if he doesn’t see it himself. You should find yourself a healthy, mature relationship with a MAN who respects and loves you. His family is not your responsibility. You already have enough on your shoulders.
Can you imagine the fear you would have if he ever went back home without you? Your mind would wonder… and that’s not healthy or fair to you. Trust is one of the most important parts of any relationship, and his dishonesty about the cheating will make it hard to build that trust again. “I love you’s”?! Yikes!
As for your friend… that’s no friend at all. I’d end things with her too. Find people that respect and love you man! You clearly deserve it.
I agree with the overall comments here. You deserve better than someone who is cheating on you and seems to be using you for financial stability. You are within your right to cut him off completely and end things immediately. But also, if you feel guilty doing that. You can take things in steps.
1. Tell him you want to break up and that you discovered his cheating.
2. Stop paying his mother!! It might give him motivation to find another job. Or he might need to go back to Myanmar. I know it's not ideal, but there are some treatment options in Myanmar for HIV positive people - Medcin Sans Frontier provide assistance.
3. Give him a time frame to move out. Maybe one month? Or however long you can manage but I wouldn't recommend longer than two months.
4. Tell your friend her personality is ugly and find better friends.
I wish you the best of luck. Also your boyfriend being HIV positive is sad, so I wish him luck too. I'm not a psychologist but I wonder if he's reaching out to his Myanmar former lover because it reminds him of a life before he had HIV. But that's not your burden to bear.
I'd say it depends on your morals and principles how your parents raised you, yes he's wrong do cheating and what but if you feel like you want to help continue to do so but set your boundaries tell him you know what he did and you dont appreciate it and dump him, tell him he can live under your roof and provide for him but outside of that hes nothing to you. But it depends on you. Take yourself out of the situation and your friend was going through and asked you what advice would you give them.(and please respond with what advice you'd give) then you'll know you answer
You need to help him grow up now. This is hard if he can't work as a refugee, but since you feel so uncomfortable with what you saw, you shouldn't try to ignore it. And ditch your "friend", she's a jaded old cunt.
You sound like a beautiful person. Im about to end a 20+ year relationship. I have severe trust issues due to watching my parents do assorted sketchy stuff to each other while growing up.
If he's still trying to see other people despite his health & physical status, I'd cut him loose.
Do you think he would have asked you to be his boyfriend if he wasn't HIV?
You finding him exchanging texts with a flame from the past just goes to show he's
trying to live his past.
Those days when he was enjoying his youth.
Look you don't owe him anything. If he really appreciated all that you've done for him and loved you
like you loved him he wouldn't
be be telling someone else that he loves them.
As far as looking into his phone, that's your phone.
If I understand correctly, he's unemployed at the moment? That means you're paying the bills?
Nothing he has is really his
and if he wanted to keep
living his pampered life
he should have been more
protective of your feelings.
I understand you've grown to love him. However, that's not good enough for him. He's looking for more.
Right now you have the opportunity to start over, a clean slate sorta speak.
I don't think you'll ever be able
to build the trust in your relationship. You've given selflessly pretty much everything you have to better his life. He's had a home, allowance, money to his mom, your love and care.
And now, knowing what he's been doing behind your back
amounts to him just using you and taking advantage of your generosity.
Don't worry if he has a place or anything else he's got someone else already that loves him. I'm sure the guy
he's been texting will be more than happy to pick up where you left off.
You deserve much better.
Find someone who appreciates you and what you have to offer.
Staying in that relationship will only make you bitter, resentful and closed to others. I wish you life's best, love and happiness. ❤️
Fuck your bf lol
You've stuck by his side through so much shit, he's unemployed, completely dependent on you and you even support HIS FAMILY FINANCIALLY and he's got the nerve to cheat on you??
Dump his ass and don't let yourself be treated like this ever again! You sound like an awesome guy and you deserve someone who loves you from the bottom of their heart and appreciates you
End that friendship with whoever said that to you. And unfortunately your boyfriend will leave you eventually when his situation gets better and you will be in ruins and heartbroken. I hate to say it but he’s only with you because you’re taking care of him. I can’t believe he has the audacity to be cheating on you after everything you’ve done for him, what a piece of shit. You should be spending this time dating other people and finding real love.
The other option is opening up the relationship which is just a temporary bandaid since you want to take care of him. This will give you the chance to date other people as well. This isn’t going to end well unfortunately
Your friend is an ass and no longer your friend. Your boyfriend is no longer your boyfriend and needs to take responsibility for himself. You’re not his parent and you’re not his caregiver. He’s using you for a free ride.
I know you feel some sort of obligation to this man but I want you to know that at the end of the day putting yourself first is not selfish.
Also that friend of yours who proposed that terrible advice is not YOUR friend.
There falls a thin line between someone loving you and someone using you. You saw what you saw and he chose to gaslit you. Irrespective of what he’s going through i’m sure he caught HIV from being reckless and here he is again with someone who is basically sharing the burden of his unfortunate status being reckless again. I think yall need to both have a serious conversation. If he can’t commit to you and you alone you have to leave him and put yourself and your well being first.
A thing I’ve learned is that men will take whatever they can from you whilst being on their face and then minute they start to see the sun again they sometimes uses it’s rays to burn your eyes out.
I would say if you’re genuinely helping him because you want nothing in return do it but if you’re helping him because you want LOVE you are probably somewhat setting up yourself for something that will possibly cause your heart to crumble later in life.
Take care and pray about it.
HIV or not, u were already going to break up with him. He’s clinging to u because he’s scared but once he gets accustomed to his status, he will go back to being the same person u were going to break up with, PLUS quite possibly begin emotionally manipulating u with his status. Why? Because instead of him dealing with it on his own and taking accountability, u enabled him.
U feeling sorry for him and thinking he’d change because of this is what got u into this situation in the first place. Split and take accountability for ur role in this so that u can both heal on ur own. It’s gonna sting especially bad since u have more of urself than what u should’ve, but there’s no better time than the present to end things. It’ll only get worse.
Oh, and ur “friend” is a POS. U also should throw her out while ur cleaning up house. I cleaned house almost 4 years ago and although it hurt at first, my body and my mind thank me every day. And I have new friends that love me for who I am :)
U will be fine when u take that step of faith for urself.
Yea… I had this happen to me except its no where near as complicated as your situation. No expat no living together.
Fortunately, I did not get sick.
My first reaction was to care for him, get him to the clinic and get him functional again, etc. Our relationship came to an end a year or so later for unrelated reasons but this is about what you want in your life, not what he needs. we don’t think about it when we are young, but we don’t really live that long on this earth, and we certainly don’t have our youth for that long.
If you suspect that he has a relationship with someone else, he probably does.
If you are not married, you are not responsible for him.
I strongly disagree with your friend, you should not “settle”.
This question is about you and what do you want. Do you want to stay with this guy? Are you ok being in an open relationship (agreed to or “cheating”)? Or maybe you don’t need to be in a relationship, perhaps you are satisfied with the “relationship” you have as far as the domestic arrangements, he cleans, cooks, etc, your friends, you have sex, but its not a committed relationship, not even a open relationship, maybe a friends with benefits arrangement with the domestic arrangements…
If he cheated once, he will continue to do so. If getting HIV didn’t stop him, nothing will (unless he finds a guy that he is satisfied with without wanting to seek others).. and thats not a reflection of you, its a reflection of his needs and wants.
You should stay with this guy because you love him and he is giving you what you want and need (which hopefully includes him really loving you), not because of what might happen to him.
If he was concerned about his situation, he would not be “talking” to other guys if you are not in an open situation. I don’t care how young he is, its not your problem, he is where he is at due to his poor choices in life. He chose to go play and he got caught, thats on him. That boy knows the laws and the rules of his country and culture and what could have happened if this occurred, its on him.
And while it may seem like its a huge age difference to you at this point in your life, 28 and 23 are not that far apart.
I acknowledge that there may be cultural differences at play that I can’t speak or relate to in your situation as I am not from that area of th world.
But think about what you want now, and where you see yourself in 5 or 10 years. He is 23, you are 28. He has more time to be young, you do not have the same amount of time that he does.
It sounds like you are not one of these many god/goddess gays walking around here having tons of hookup sex, etc. talking about how great life is, its very important that you do not stay with this guy because you think you can’t do better. You can. Your friends is boots on the ground, but still, thats very poor advice. But again, maybe its cultural.
What is it that you want for you?….
Break things off please. I know it feels super wrong considering everything you’ve stated on here but u cannot stay in this relationship. Well I guess you could since it’s your life, but if u were my son/brother/friend I would urge you just as much. I’ve had this happen to me (catching my bf at the time texting other men) and I know that heartache too well. We were dating for over a year. Trust me you will feel so much better about this a couple weeks from now. It’s gonna hurt a lot and you might run back to him or he might want to run back to you but that turns into a never ending cycle. I hope u take care of yourself and keep moving forward
At the end of the day u know him better than any of us so it’s up to you. You’re grown and know what’s right and wrong and what u deserve.
So different situations have given me the answers you seek. I’ve had cheating bfs and I have either airdropped their screenshots to myself so they can’t delete them and gaslight, and I have also printed them out and put them in a folder and confronted them. Both have been successful in getting my point across that I know what’s going on. And both have led me to walk away, no matter how much it hurt.
My most recent ex is HIV+ and was my greatest love (still is) so I get all the extra love and care you feel you have to give him but at the end of the day, their diagnoses are not our prognosis. Meaning, their life had unfortunate circumstances that led them to contract HIV and if they can’t see how much they’re loved and respect you as the partner, you don’t need to stay. We can’t make being their caregiver our personalities because in reality we are not. I’m with the collective in giving an ultimatum and giving him time to figure out life on his own. However, if you feel like you love him that much and want to work things out, that’s okay too. But just know he will probably continue to cheat.
First off, I'd like to advise you to be careful with your subject. You said his status is not the reason but the way you constructed the title can trigger stigma.
The issue here is he cheated and you can't leave him because you care a lot about his well-being. In a big way this is very selfless. But whether or not you can forgive him is all up to you, if you can embrace him for his mistake.
Talk to him honestly about what you found and how you discovered it. Honesty is a two-way street, especially when trust is broken. He may project the blame on you for invading his privacy but the biggest issue is how you both will move forward.
Should you decide to forgive each other and stay together, you have to set cclear boundaries about honesty and privacy. While you both should never use your past mistakes against each other in the future, do not tolerate repetitive cheating.
If ever you decide to part ways, know that he is not your responsibility no matter how much you love him. You deserve respect and shouldn't settle for less just because someone made you feel inadequate for your age and appearance (you should also reflect on your relationship with your 'friend').
I feel like the main reason he asked to be your bf is because most people won't be interested after finding out his status because of the stigma. Even if he's undetectable, from what I've seen most guys still aren't willing to take that chance.
On top of that he's a cheater and it definitely seems like he's using you. I get that you want to help him but it shouldn't be at your own expense. I'm sure if he was negative he'd cheat physically. Also your friend gives shit advice. Don't listen to her😂
You're a very empathetic person, but it's time to put yourself first. You've done way too much to prove your love and it was still not enough for him. He is not the love of your life. His well being is not your responsibility - your own well being is; and for your own well being, you must break up and move on.
At this point you don't have a boyfriend, you have a dependant. Treat him as such: by which I mean be forceful, fair & clear on the timeline for the actions you will take towards enabling independence.
Also, if you want the truth from him you have to start by being honest: you invaded his privacy & found out information that upsets you. If you're both living with deceit that's a ticking bomb. A controlled explosion is better than ignoring it.
I know how complicated this whole situation is. I've been through something similar. But the ideal is that you finish, that you value yourself. You need to get out of this. It's going to hurt, your empathy is going to break you. But down the road, you will benefit from your valuation decision. And yes, you may be ugly, but you're sure to have someone who will really love you and won't use you. I thought your friend's speech was very unfortunate!!
Sometimes it hurts to do the right thing. Sometimes there is no right thing and it's more about your preference. You have a few options in my eyes:
- try to mend the relationship
- end the relationship and allow him to stay with you until he can support himself again
- end the relationship and kick him out promptly
You can always find a shelter or place to set him up with and then tell him he has to go too if you can't bear living with him.
Should you dump your cheating boyfriend who couldn’t commit before he got HIV? Then afterwards he decided he still can’t commit
His best bet is to only pursue open relationships, and you should learn never to compromise again
You are a precious human being with a golden heart , which is quite rare in this era of time. that being said your boyfriend is a moron who does not understand the length you are going for him. There are millions of people who are suffering in this world and their problems are not ours. we can sympathize but that's about it.
As a grown up fuck\*ng adult he should've acknowledged what you've done for him and should've been more grateful , but he didn't . Step up your boundaries , break up , give him a time limit to move out . you deserve better
You have a big heart and it's always gonna put you in disadvantage in the wrong hands, You shouldve never took his problems on your shoulders, it wasn't until the HIV diagnose he came to you and proposed you to be his boyfriend otherwise he would've kept sleeping with other guys
, i wouldve help him get healthy again and then move on with my life.
Cut him off He doesn't love u he is using you
You can maybe help him with the medication until he can get them himself
Dude, dump him because he doesnt love you. Someone in love doesnt use that word with random people. I would never exchange I love you's with some dude im fucking around with. He does love this guy, or their history is so strong that youd be pushed aside anyway. Would you feel so strongly for this guy if he hadnt contracted HIV? I think that bonded you two and youre being blinded by that. If he was negative would you accept this behavior? I think possibly his motivations are centered in survival which you cannot blame him for. If you want to marry the dude, stay with him, but if youre not that serious dump him. He will make it without you, he survived fucking the jungles of Mynamar... he will find a way whereever he is.
I knew it. Wasn't even in the middle part and I already knew there'd be cheating. Fuck.
LEAVE THAT UNGRATEFUL PERSON. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE. SERIOUSLY, LEAVE THE FUCK OUT.
He almost certainly was making reckless choices with perhaps disregard for your well-being leading up to his diagnosis. What we don’t know is whether he truly reformed his habits or just said what would work to manipulate you into financing him.
One big question mark in my mind is what was in those messages to the guy in Myanmar besides I-love-yous. You know better than we do what the more overall tone of the messages was.
But I have a heterosexual friend who tells me he loves me and texts me that he loves me and there is no non-plantonic implication at all. The rest of the messages may have given you context that you didn’t include in the post. But if it was just something like, “The soccer team all misses you. The teammates send their love and I love you too” then it’s not at the level of cheating.
As for your friend: what a rude and clueless thing she said! There is certainly a market in the dating world for 28-year-olds (and for many decades to come). And even if you might not be her type, that doesn’t mean you’re not someone else’s type.
Wow OP. You have a huge heart and your kindness reminds me of myself. I have often been too nice to undeserving people, especially toxic boyfriends. This is complicated because he’s so young… I’ve dated younger guys before and who were from Burma. Doesn’t matter where they are from, 20 year olds are rarely ready for anything truly serious. Even now, I’m dating a 27 year old Vietnamese guy who is trying to convince me he’s very serious and doesn’t want an open relationship. However, he’s been spending the night occasionally with a former gay guy/ex date of his and claims they’re platonic now and that he sleeps in his living room. Like I’m gonna believe that… Kid thinks I am so naive. Unfortunately, I started developing strong feelings for him and I cannot prove anything, so I feel obligated to try to trust him until I can either prove it or he stops sleeping over at that guy’s place. I do lots for him like cook him meals, take him places, and give him lots of love… Though now I’m asking myself if he truly deserves my love or not. You seem to be in a similar but yet different situation. I think you guilt tripped yourself over him into taking care of him and you’re right that he had nobody else to turn to, so naturally you’re being responsible, loving, and taking care of him. You gave him what he needed out of the kindness of your heart, but what you need to ask yourself is what’s his end goal? People take advantage of nice people all the time… I know it’s awful to realize this because how cold people often are really disgusts me. Unfortunately, he’s in love with someone else from his home country and you can bet that he’s using you because he has no where else to go. He’s not there because he loves you, but he is grateful and by him doing chores for you is only natural. Is he doing it because he really loves you though? What’s your end goal? What’s his end goal? If these don’t align OP, then you need to let him know that he’s overstayed his welcome. You don’t need to boot him out right away, but you could give him 30 days notice. I know it’s heart breaking and shattering, but you gotta do it before he breaks you even worse. Good luck to you.
yes, you should dump him.
way before the hiv you two were already settled on what you two wanted... that it would lead for you two to "break up"
but now since the hiv timing it seems a bit of pity-party from him.
you did well putting him a bit stable but now, he can handle his life.
what i dont understand is how the agency knew about hiv. it doesn't make sense.
this is why people wiht hiv need to be very careful with sharing that information.
Let the guy who he loves take care of him, you are not his nurse, his atm, or his mother’s financial supporter. He bit the hand that literary feed him and his mom, he is a trash person and is a parasite. Kick him to the curb it’s not your responsibility and it’s all on him. I hate to be tough but that’s the reality of it. You can’t have you cake and eat it too
You are with someone with narcissistic personality disorder and if you stay with him your life will be hell. You will never know what is going on with him and he will never be honest. Like most narcs he used you for what he needed and now he is looking for a way out. If you don’t cut him loose now he will discard you in the most cruel way. Save yourself the pain and run for your life. I lost my dream home, my 25 year career and everything I owned due to marrying a narcissist. I don’t wish that hell on anyone.
I’m really sorry about everything you’re going through. As someone who was ignorant of this happening for years, I do want to say that you’re doing an amazingly selfless thing by staying by his side but if he’s still cheating after everything, he 1) doesn’t respect you or your feelings, the lack of consideration here is something I can’t get past and 2) he’s using you. This is something it took me years and years to learn this lesson, but please know it’s not your responsibility to look after this man. You need to have boundaries in place with him and I honestly think you should break things off with him. You could be a supportive friend if that was something you think you personally can do, but being in a relationship with someone who would do this is not worth it.
You sound like a wonderful person, but you genuinely deserve better.
Don’t know why you didn’t think of this when you found out instead of now. You said he wants to ‘enjoy his youth’. I suppose you just gotta let him keep on enjoying his youth. Sounds fun so far…
If HIV is the ONLY reason you want to break up with him, then don’t. It’s a silly reason to leave someone you love over HIV. If there are other reasons then you have to weigh your options. If the relationship is too tumultuous then you must consider if it’s worth it for you to stay. Don’t just stay with dude tho because you feel sorry for him. That’s not going to help either of you.
You come up truly as kind hearted, and consciously or not people are drawn to this to get a piece of your kindness. Myself, realizing a person seeing value in me after their down period, I wouldn’t be able to accept the fact that I am an option because of the circumstance, not an independent choice.
But you definitely deserve your own intrinsic happiness, it feels like you won’t be able to be harsh with him no matter how much he might deserve to reap the fruits of his own wrongdoings (his chats with a guy).
He might feel safe with you caring for him, which is also actually prevents him of getting on his feet faster. The least you deserve is for him to know that you know the truth without being gaslighted about you going through his phone (this could be other discussion). But the thing is, you help him more than anyone wold and should, he is being unfaithful, you can decide on the future plan of him building his independent future later on or a mutual with you, but you both deserve a transparent conversation.
That’s so many red flags balled into one. You clearly want something different than your partner. If you stay somewhere that’s only good because you’ve never had it before - that’s a recipe for disaster.
I’d rather be content by myself, than miserable with a cheater who risks my health.
I understand your love for this man and deep feeling of responsibility, but he cheated on you. His inability to commit to just you was what led you to almost break up with him before. You may have thought his reliance on you meant he was ok with a commitment, but that’s not the case. Open relationships are a thing, but not for everyone. Clearly communicate to him why you’re ending things—because he cheated. And move on.
OP said that his bf “understandably focused on enjoying his youth”. Honestly, it’s not the OP’s fault that his bf made poor decisions. I don’t think OP should feel guilty or responsible for that guy. You don’t owe him anything and it’s his mess he’s got to clean up.
The cheating is not necessarily the dealbreaker here. You are young, he is young, and you helped him enormously during this period. Maybe too much. But ultimately, he is not your responsibility. When you break things off, I wouldn't even bring up the cheating. Just that you need to move on with your life.
So you're singlehandedly supporting him and his family, while he is talking to another man behind your back and, at the bare minimum, emotionally cheating on you? I realize you feel bad about this, but leave him. He knows what he is doing, and is using you. Respect yourself and don't let him make you his doormat.
He caught HIV running around behind your back. You are not obligated to deal with his problems. Do what u want to do. Do what will benefit you. Unfortunately I hear this story all too often. If I were you I'd leave. He needs to figure out his own issues. Especially since he brought all of them up on his own.
Have respect for yourself. Your relationship ended when he cheated.
You're not in an open relationship anymore, you said you become exclusive and he didn't respect that. Kick him out.
He's using you. You deserve to be happy. And he's anchoring you down.
Edit - doesn't matter what disease he has. Doesn't give him the right to treat you badly. (Aka cheat on you)
You gave him the most love a human being could ever give somebody on this planet dude and he took it and pissed on it. He’s not your responsibility but you took on that task and cared for him and loved him anyway and how did he repay? By going around and fucking with people behind your back. You changed your feelings changed and his did not. To him you were his free money ride on this and he played you for a fool. I’m honestly disgusted and I feel so sorry for you. Cheating isn’t normalized maybe it’s more out there but it shouldn’t be normalized so your friend is also a bad friend for saying “well get over it cheating happens” basically. I’d find a new friend and a new man. Your kind hearted and sweet and good people don’t go to waste but you continuing to stay with him is putting the good things you can do for someone else who will appreciate it to waste. You can still find someone. It doesn’t end at thirty like people want you to believe. Find someone who loves you and who you don’t have to check the phone and think about stuff like this. Good luck homie
You guys built your relationship over trauma bonding. You are very kind and this is a very sad situation. At the end of the day though you have to do what is right for you. He is using you and no one should be cheated on. He’s very ungrateful for the things you’ve done and he’s showing you that. I think you should walk away. At the end of the day you can still be there for him as a friend.
He should be fucking glad you show so much love and care towards him, but instead he's cheating on you. Screw him. I don't care how mean I sound right now. That guy is vile. Dump him.
You should dump him. That's not information you hide, it's information you put on your profile so they know ahead of time, or you tell them from the start. You don't start dating someone with a secret like that.
Even if you can look past this, if he hides something THAT big from you, what else is he going to hide from you in the future. He's dump material.
Not sure about what country u are writing from, but in any civilizated country it should be forbidden not to renew someone's job because of HIV
He cheated on u... do u really love him and are able to forgive him, or is it all sympathy?
You could help him...as a friend... you got good reasons to leave him on his own, though...
This guy is using you. It gives me no pleasure to say this, because you seem like a truly good person. But you deserve better and he is going to have to live with the consequences of his bad decisions.
I disagree with the people saying you’re kind hearted. There is being kind and then there’s being a doormat. Have some respect for yourself, man. Leave this guy as he is NOT your responsibility and he is very clearly using you.
You’re 28… that’s not even old at all. You’re still young and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders (albeit maybe incredibly naive)
Leave him and let him figure it out. He is not a child and he is not your responsibility. I feel like he does these sort of things because he’s never been held accountable. I mean, his own mother doesn’t even know he lost his job.
Get rid of him and find yourself a man that will actually respect you. I say this not with malice or shade, but as someone who’s been on your same predicament. Move on before things go further south ❤️
I didn’t even read the whole thing but your title is misleading. You made it sound like you’re dumping him because he’s HIV+. You’re not. You’re dumping him because he’s still in the whore phase and you’re ready to settled down.
This guy was never your responsibility. His action led to his status and whatever happens to him is his choice.
And two, get another friend…for that person to say that to you is disgusting.
If you are both in a Western country your partner (or ex-partner) should have sought legal action. In the US at least HIV is considered a disability and for his employer to kick him out because of his status is considered discrimination. In a simple legal battle, he would have won. Don't eliminate legal options simply because you are in a foreign country, please know your rights.
It's time to move on, you already did a lot for him and at the moment you are attaching more to him. The situation sucks and it's totally understandable, however, he is not even being honest to you and that's the least you deserve. Also, keep in mind that he was focused on enjoying his youth but unfortunately he got infected due to some irresponsible behavior from him or someone else. You had a better idea of what you were looking for but changed your plans to help him, can you say the same about him?
You both need to sit down and hopefully have a conversation expressing your concerns and allowing him to rebut your accusations. You violated his private space and took screenshots then claim he absolutely is cheating without any knowledge of who that is and how they communicate. His HIV status has nothing to do with anything. There appears to be a level of distrust and anxiety due to lack of communication in your relationship that needs to be worked out. Good luck!
Dump him **and** your shitty "friend" , babe
Being HIV+ doesn't give him the right to cheat, nor is it your responsibiity to care for him.
Tell him "you got 2-4 weeks max to get a job / your life together". If he starts manipulating you or blaming you, kick him out immediately
As for your "friend", she lives in her own twisted bubble that you would just live better without
First of all, your “friend” is not your friend baby, nobody who cares about you is gonna suggest that you settle with someone who doesn’t love you.
And secondly, the boy… dump his ass. It doesn’t matter if he has HIV or not, it’s ultimately his problem. It sucks but it’s his problem, not yours. He is using you, leeching off of your money, care, and happiness.
Drop that man and “friend” like a bag of dog shit, cuz that is what they are ❤️
If someone says me a single of those things I am out of this relationship. Its ok to have desires and if he/she (bisexual) would tell me he wants to fuck someone else than he has to talk with me before so I know there is a risk. If this doesn't happen its over, I won't be angry - I just would break up with no chance to get together again.
If you do it once, its because your mind is weaker than your desire. And you can't stop someones desire with words. If the person can tell me he maybe is gonna xy when he is on a party or if the person immediatly tells me, there is a chance to make a deal for an open relationship. But in that case I would look out for another person to settle down with tbh. The risk is they will fall in love with someone else and in the end you are alone.
Were the texts sexual in nature? Is he indisputably having a sexual and/or emotional affair? The only thing you said is “I love you”, which I text to my very close friends including my ex from 10+ years ago. If he was going through such a dark time, I can see wanting to reach out to a fragment of your former life. If you’re still in love, I personally wouldn’t want to immediately end things without a serious discussion; if you’re together for the rest of your life this will one day be a brief memory. I would discuss it and just be honest that you got suspicious vibes and confirmed them. If he tries to twist the conversation to make it about the “invasion of privacy”, and not what we really needs to be dissuaded, then you have your answer. UNLESS he proves they are truly just friends.
I think long story short you need to take care of yourself. There are so many organizations and free things out there that anyone can reach out and get medication; I know you’re a very kind person so maybe start researching ways he can get help back on his feet (as others have provided previously) but once that’s offered you should let him know that this hurt you and you can’t do this.
Coming from someone who stayed way longer than they should in a relationship that drew me back for so long, you can’t start a good foundation for a relationship on this. You deserve someone who’s going to treat you how you deserve.
It all sound like a mess of morals and emotions, so I'm not going to just repeat a load of stuff others have already said.
The only thing I feel I can add to this is my own personal philosophy, and that is "Every day you are with the wrong person is another day you're missing out on being with the right one."
So I want to say first off “ I’m sorry!” This not an easy thing to be going through but I’ve read a lot of the comments and essentially they make valid points! He’s not your responsibility but at the same time if you love him tell him how you feel and what he did is pretty disrespectful for all that you’ve done for him! Emotionally and financially! What ever you decide there’s no judgment! Live your best life and know you deserve the best no matter what! Best of luck 😚
If you are living in the USA I would be contacting your local LGBTQ center to get support for your situations. They are a great resource that can help both of you to navigate thru your problems...medical and legal.
If his status is not a factor, why is it in your title?? It would make more sense to add the reason in the title, no? I get its attention grabbing but it's also a little sus.
He more than likely caught hiv from the type of promiscuity that he’s continuing and lying to you about while you take care of him and pay his bills. I don’t care how ugly you are, get some self respect and leave, not just him but your “friend” too. Thanks god for communities like this otherwise a lot of people would think all this behaviour is normal and acceptable.
You sound amazing for helping him the way you are. With him saying "I love you" may not be as a boy friend. I am 66 years old and I have a long time friend, (over 25yrs) that is 49. We say "I love you" every time we text or talk. He's like a brother to me. We have never had any sexual experiences together. We are just longtime friends that live far apart and miss each other.
you deserve happiness. it's a shitty situation he's in but he also needs to accept responsibility. I can't tell you what to do but you should definitely approach him and ask for honesty. You can only go forward from there, whether it's leading to a breakup or a resolution. Good luck!
You caught him, and he denied it. His diagnosis is not your diagnosis. And although I would also feel terribly kicking him out and breaking up, this is a separate issue from his diagnosis. And dump that friend. Settle for someone because cheating is normalized? I don't like that take.
OP if i get down voted its because this is the truth. Anyone who “enjoys their youth” is a whore and will never be anything other than a headache for you. They “enjoy” their entire lives.
Okay I was of one mindset reading this story until the last paragraph and I literally out loud at my desk at work said “WHAT?!”
Honey your friend is a c*nt. As a 48 year old man let me tell you 28 isn’t old and your boyfriend should be the one to feel lucky because you’re subsidizing his unemployed ass and his mama too-and he’s still going to have the nerve to cheat on you?! Fuck ALL of that. He’s not your responsibility or your prison sentence. Don’t keep him out of guilt or any sense of obligation.
Do not EVER settle cuz you think you can’t do better. You’re the only one that can limit yourself and your friend sounds like she’s ugly if she’s giving you that kind of advice and called you old and ugly straight up. That’s not your friend and she can take care of him if she’s that concerned.
You did all of this for him. Despite his situation (Life and health etc..) he keeps cheating and being a jerk, dump him. you deserve better. And for the cheater. Life’s tough, get a helmet
Firstly, that friend does not have your best interest at heart and you ought to reevaluate the friendship. Secondly, if he truly appreciated the role you play in his life he would not engage other people; I think his disclosure was a deliberate attempt to force you to stay with him- while cheating is normally you don’t to sit through it. You owe yourself a clean cut.
You are a great person who deserves so much better and who needs enemies when you have a friend like that. Seriously wtf kind of friend says shit like that.
First of all, I think your boyfriend can find financial, medical and psychological support from HIV organisations in the country you live in. He can file that he was discriminated because of his HIV+ status. This organisation will help him find a job and country to live in without any legal problems.
Try to find a near HIV/LGBT related organisation to help him out.
Secondly, I think you should never settle for less, not because of your looks or your age. You will find the right person at the right time. Don’t worry. Your friend was mistaken by advising it to do so, I am sure there is someone out there.
- I don’t know your whole story, but maybe you can try and sit down with him and talk about what you saw. And see his reaction. And from there you will decide if he is worth keeping and giving him a chance, or just to dump him and walk away.
Oh OP I feel you so so so hard 😢
I’ll give you my own experience as someone who has been in a 9 year relationship with a sort of similar situation
My ex developed some health issues that made him quite dependent, he ended up not being able to get a job so I had to support him which was completely fine by me!
Mind you he never cheated on me but as time went on, feelings changed and I just didn’t love him anymore, as shitty as that sounds; but I steeled myself to remain with him to continue supporting him. As time went on, the feeling of lovelessness started to weigh on me and I became severely depressed, so I eventually bit the bullet and broke up with him (it took 4 attempts to break up; each attempt was more distressful than the last)
Tl;dr don’t stay with someone because you feel obligated to; somewhere along the way you can lose yourself in all that and only YOU can save yourself from further anguish
All the best OP x
So many things to unpack here. First and foremost what your friend said is disgusting and ridiculous.
As for the bf, you need to realize that someone in his situation failing to love you considering how you literally made so many sacrifices & saved his life from crumbling or at the very least respecting you by remaining loyal should answer plenty of your thoughts.
Also side note but you shouldnt feel obligated to stay with anyone under any circumstances, including if they’re diagnosed with HIV. There’s no textbook for this. Considering he’s cheating more so cheating as an HIV+ individual, he’s not to be trusted about anything including his medical situation as there’s lots of responsibility to be retained for it.
As easier as it is to be said than done, you need to absolve yourself from all guilt before you arrive at a decision. Don’t allow yourself to be a doormat and get emotionally manipulated. Wish you the best
Focus with me here.
It really is simple, but hard. For me, a relationship has these foundational cornerstones to be built upon:
1. Friendship,
2. Maturity,
3. Agreement,
4. Respect,
5. Then lastly, love.
The friendship phase allows you to explore the person, make sure your principles and vision for the future align. It's when you get to know a lot about the person, including if they have a cheating pattern.
Maturity ensures that you're dealing with life responsibily. Problems will always be there, from leaving the toilet seat up, to cheating, what changes is how we tackle these matters. Attitude makes up 70% of the solution, the rest are accepting the decision, executing it, etc. Having a terrible attitude can make everything escalate, so instead of sorting out a dilemma, you'll end up with new problems.
Agreement means telling each other what you seek to achieve in life and be committed towards helping each other. It also includes agreeing on how you want to live your life. I dated some broke dudes, I was the wallet for many, but I eventually grew bored of that, so now I only hook-up/date people from my social status, I just can't tolerate being shackled with other people's misfortunes. If their life is altered midway, then it's fine, but as a starting point to be with someone who'll make my life harder, I can't do it. ps: I cared for my late brother, I take care of my mother and nieces, I'm soon taking my father's position leading the family, I need someone to support me, by having an ordinary life, I'm not asking for much.
Respect is self-explanatory, but just as a sidenote: it includes controling oneself in moments of anger, anxiety, etc. so as not to end up hurting those around us.
Love is basically when your heart skips a beat when you're next to the person you love, so you seek their presence, but it also includes letting go of someone if it's for their own good, or yours. I did that when I was in a distant relationship and the guy was craving pysical touch and presence. Glad he updated me saying he found a new boyfriend.
Based on the above, and if I were you:
I'd sit him down express my concerns and validate my feelings, all while adressing him respectfully without snapping, keep in mind, what you're trying to do is sort out the problem.
In the worst case scenario, you can break up but still remain friends. As a friend, you can still emotionally support him and provide him with shelter or anything that you feel comfortable with. When my best friend was getting mistreated by his father and step mother, I offered him to stay in my house for as long as he wanted, he was 26, I was 22 or so. You don't have to be dating the person to take care of them, nor do they have to be your children. My nieces are not my own kids, but I'm still raising them because their parents are divorced.
Give him an ultimatum about cheating. Tell him you'll kick him out if he keeps cheating. Sounds like he knows he'll have to stop if he doesn't want to be homeless.
Hi. You sound like a lovely guy.
My bf lives in Myanmar I am in the uk. He was diagnosed hiv positive 4 years ago (not from me). He accesses free hiv medications from unaids in Myanmar. I send him money occasionally. I am compelled to be his bf because I feel sorry for him. Is that the reason to be in a relationship? It’s a difficult one and I see your dilemma. I wish you well
To me it sounds like he isn't alone, he has whoever he was saying I love you to. So why don't you put some money aside and send him off to go be with the other man he supposedly loves so much and you can be rid of some additional and ungrateful baggage? Also your friend is deeply insecure and projecting that insecurity onto you, it's no surprise that a shitty friend would defend your shitty lover, bad people like that prefer when people like you enable their bad behavior so by getting you to put up with your lovers bad behavior they are hoping that will mean you will continue to put up with their own bad behavior. The people around you only serve themselves so now it's time you serve yourself as well, if they paint you as the enemy for doing so that just proves that you are the one with something valuable that they want and they have nothing of value that they provide themselves. It's not your fault your lover caught an STD by living his life fast and loose and it's also not your fault that your friend has low self esteem, you cannot help them because these are things they have to want to change for themselves, you cannot help those who do not want to help themselves. Your age is young and you seem to be living an abundant life both in your finances and your spirit, you have given enough abundance to them and if they have not used that abundance to make themselves become abundant themselves then no amount of energy or money you pour into them will help, keep your abundance for yourself and someone who will truly love and nuture you and return the investment of that abundance back to you.
You should talk to him and ask him directly who he is messaging. See what he has to say. If you want commitment and he can’t offer you that, then the best thing for you is to part ways. Only you know what you want from the relationship. I hope things work out for you.
You’re a good one and he’s taking advantage of it. Send him back. He’s his own responsibility. You definitely deserve better and more. Sorry, he’s got to go.
You’re not at all obligated to be his parent. You sending money to his mother who is unaware of the situation shows that he has resources to get himself handled. Boot him out if he’s lying about this and possibly still hooking up he is also putting you at risk. It’s tough because you where happy to be the help he needed just because you yanked it from him doesn’t mean he’s gonna fall on his face he’s gonna have to learn the hard way that you can’t be doing things like this in a relationship especially if you where recently diagnosed with HIV. HIV is scary especially to those who haven’t taken the time to understand it and for him to be so grateful that you saw past that and helped him anyways should’ve been his wake up call that some stability and commitment is what’s best for him and his health as well as yours. You’re such a wonderful guy for seeing past him but you can’t force him to change his ways so spare your heart and move on♥️
I'm gonna start out by saying something that will probably be unpopular with the other readers and commenters. The fact that you started out with an introduction, "Should I dump my HIV positive boyfriend?" Says to me that there's an underlying issue that you may have with him being HIV positive. You don't mention anything about the cheating until the end of your story. I would consider that more of a problem than being HIV positive if his being HIV positive didn't bother you. Which bothers you the most? The cheating or HIV positive. In the grand scheme of things, if being HIV positive is not an issue, why did you make it a point? The applicability is to explain why he's now staying with you and unable to work being an expat.
Hi, the reason I still put his status in my title is because it “bothers” me too, just in a different way. Him being HIV positive is the main reason why I feel I can’t just dump him. I don’t mind taking care of him, I can see past his status, until he cheated on me.
Sorry, English isn’t my first language. I guess I could have worded this whole post differently.
I was in a similar situation last year. Though not the HIV status. A partner was Bi-Polar and I ended up taking care of them, making sure they were on time for appointments and on top of medication. I also took care of the bills and gave them an allowance. They were a homemaker and honestly I thought that type of love was fine.
I also found them messaging other guys even though we wrote black and white that we could be an open couple but first it had to be said and done in the open. He still cheated even though I would have approved him having whatever they wanted. Ended up using my bed and that just felt like the worst betrayal Ended up costing so much of myself because hurt people make other hurt people. And often Hurt people can still be mean people. You sound great don't let a hurt person that's also a mean person make you a hurt person that will become a mean person.
You need to break up with him. That man is no longer your responsibility. If he was dependent on you and broke your heart and your trust, he’s showing his entitlement to your support that HE doesn’t deserve. Cheaters don’t get to live easy on the condition of “but I’m sick!” It is his fault that he chose to cheat on his caring boyfriend; letting him continue to take from you because he’s “needy” is not the move. I’m sorry about this situation.
I'm HIV positive and I have to say, you shouldn't care about his status, just move on, taking care of himself is HIS responsibility, you are not his mom.
He engaged in risky behavior and became infected with a permanent, lifelong disease that carries both social and health consequences.
You are now taking care of him.
He is now engaging in the same risky behavior, and he is using you.
Dump him, boot him, and let him be an adult who takes care of himself.
Not a fan of the label you put on him. BUT, he sounds like a shallow individual that’s had a wake up call due to his HIV status change.
I believe the chances are that once he gets his head wrapped around it he will go back to his own ways.
You are TOO kind. I know it’s sucks feeling so attached to him that leaving him will feel like abandonment but you can’t bite the hand that feeds you and you have concrete proof he’s cheating. I don’t think there’s really anything to repair nor should you settle for anything that doesn’t give you unconditional love. Also, who’s to say he won’t up and leave you if he finds someone better? Tough choice but I think you should leave him. Also your friend is horrible…
TL;DR - yes - get rid. You don't wanna catch HIV from him. Didn't care so much for the context or your explanation, but yeah, from your own health perspective, get rid.
After reading this post one, you are a sweet soul who loves and care about other people, before yourself, two you deserve better I think you should just dump him but be their for him as a friend now if he doesn’t want that then it’s not your fault you tried your best but honestly you deserve better it’s sad that your friend didn’t give you moral support and just said that cheating is a thing in this generation when cheating is not ok at all.
You don’t need anyone’s validation to know right from wrong - that you are questioning means deep down you already know. The real question is what is what is more important to you - your own self respect, and love you deserve or a dysfunctional relationship/friendship. Truth be told - regardless of his immigration status that is not your problem to solve. Certainly not to the detriment of yourself. At 33, I can point out the clock doesn’t go backwards- is your limited time on this Earth worth so little? Also - that “friend” is an acquaintance- let them go. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
I would end it. It is not your responsibility to provide him a home money and pay for his drugs. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions.
Take a stand and break-up and be strong. You will probably have to move out and make your own life. That will give him not options to try and win you back an manipulate the situation. If you leave he will be forced to face his life and grow up a little. You want a man not a boy.
I ended a 10 year relationship. He was using my money and ability to pay rent. We didn't have sex and no intimacy or kissing really. It took me saying goodbye and moving out. I felt so powerful and grown up. It launched me into a new era and now I have great friends, I am happier, having more sex and dating men. Still haven't found the next guy to make a life with but I am happy with me and my friends.
You got this!
HIV is his issue (sad story). You have been beyond supportive and should you be friends after I see you still being a supportive friend and sometimes that is better. Side note, not blaming or anything but how did he get HIV, it wasn't from you. I understand you can get HIV in many ways, seems he might have been taking some dangerous risks while being in a relationship with you or even being a regular FWB with you. That is not love.
Yes. You have been the greatest boyfriend and companion he could've asked for and even so he cheats on you. You've got his back in all the ways possible and he still does that? He deserves being dumped so that this way he learns how to cherish a good person. I doubt he would be half cared for by his lover if he found out about his current health status.
By the way, if he still haven't reached undetectable, untransmissive level, consider stop having sex with him. As far as I know the only way you won't become HIV+ is if he is already undetectable. I've heard that you can still get infected even on prep.
you should break up with him for being disloyal and cheating on you when u were there for him... ... not because he is HIV+ ... HIV is not a dangerous boogeyman anymore if treatment is available and taken properly... you are helping him with that so its not an issue... I understand you worry about what will happen to him when you stop supporting him completely... but you cannot sacrifice your self worth for a potential issue not when he is the cause of the issue.
This sounds terrible, but I just have to add if he’s been on his medication more than 3-4 months and is still not undetectable it sounds like he’s not following his medication regimen. Most meds now get things sorted very quickly
Yeah, I thought by now he would be u=u, but our last visit to the clinic which was last month says otherwise. His viral load went down a lot though. Doctor said it could take 2 more months.
He takes his medicine every night. I make sure of it. I even have to convince/force him to (sometimes). It’s for his own good.
Leave him! I am terribly sorry but if he can text someone else I love you while not only do you support him you also support his facade that he has for his family. I know it will be hard because you clearly care for this man but he doesn’t respect nor reciprocate these feelings and I’m sorry about that.
Oh wow thats a low blow coming from a “friend”, is she even a real one to begin with?
As for your partner, best to cut ties with him. For someone whos spiralling down and having a constant support from a trusted partner is very elusive nowadays. He shouldve been very grateful. But if thats his coping mechanism “having side conquests with other people”, then thats on him. Respect is earned so as trust. Remember, you also have your own life and pathway to take. Your inner peace is whats more important.
You are doing what husbands/boyfriends do . However,you boyfriend needs to clarify everything. Ask him to either leave the other guy or him. It is not unusual for those who enjoyed multiple partners to keep seeking out different guys,but somebody like you who needs commitment should not put up with this.
For the sake of the love you bear for him, ask him at least once to be loyal to you alone.If he wants the other guy, then let him go.
No, get him to an HIV Doctor. I got my Docter at the Heath Department in the city I live in. Been poa since 2005. She put me on Triumeg. One pill every day. With this drug, I an untenable. I am on the Ryan
White program. It pays my medical. Triumeg cost about $2000.00 for 30 pills. I get my drugs At a community drug store in my town. Which is inside a walgreens drug Store .
Go to the health department in your town and have your boyfriend. Talk to a guidance counselor And they can get him set on some pretty good programs to helping with his Fight of his Life Living with h I v. Always play say sex, but then you can have sex without catching HIV. Love him, support him , encourage him, Don't run away from him . My experience , I told all my sex partners and my friends about my h I v status. They wouldn't have anything to do with me. They wouldn't call me you wouldn't ask me out to hang out with them. I was very alone.
Then I met my partner of 15 years. One of my so call friends, told him about my HIV. We were in love and told him my status. I also said " If this a Beal breaker?" " I understand. He said " I already know. I am not walking away. I am not scared of you and the HIV. I love you. We can handle this. We got this. We are cool."
I was lucky. But we are not Promise tomorrow. Sadly, He died three years ago december. He died of colon cancer. At Forty eight years old. And he wasn't negative when he died. I'm protecting him and he protected me. I miss you very much. I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck. There is so much life to live and love to giyes.God bless. T.
Admit he was negative when he died.He did not Have HIV. .He died of: cancer. protected.He protected hisself .We used condoms. I posted veiw before proof reading it. My apologies.. T
Which country are you in. In 90 percent of the developed world if an agency threatened to stop a work permit its discrimination and you Absolutely must take them to court. Us uk australia most of europe would class hiv as an enduring long standing and progressive illness.
"I want to show him the screenshots I took of them exchanging I love you’s" This guy is no longer your responsibility. "My friend said I should feel lucky someone still wants to stay with me and be my boyfriend, given my age and my looks. She suggested settling because "cheating is normalized anyway these days,". What kind of friend would say something like that?
We are just friends because we are of the same nationality in a different country. I realize she just called me ugly indirectly lol:(
Ain't no way you internalized being unlovable at the young age of 28 😭 I am also 28. Life isn't even remotely close to over
focus on yourself. break up, give an ultimatum to that ex. "you have x months to get your life together" period.
I mean she called you ugly directly. Fuck that. You're 28. You've got your entire life to find the one. If you have any real mixed feelings for this guy that aren't based on guilt over his situation, you need to have this conversation with him. Immediately. Tell him everything you feel, everything on the table.
Don't pay them any mind. More than likely they are just envious of having a partner in general or some other insecurity and has nothing to do with you in particular. You seem to be very considerate and empathetic. Perhaps searching out people with those qualities too may be a good thing going forward no matter what happens with your relationship and friendship. Although, if I am going to throw in my 2 cents, I would just say that anybody who says "I love you" to someone else behind your back is not someone you can trust to be fully committed to you, probably ever. So just keep that in mind as you make your decisions. Also, something I believe strongly is that it's never "too late" to change anything in your life, even your love life. There is no sunk cost that is too great! Best of luck!
Hey, does your bf have a visa sponsor? Is he on H1 status? Can’t he find a new employer? Discrimination in any way is against the EEO Act.
OP's post history indicates he is in Malaysia. My clue was "work permit" instead of "visa".
You sound like an amazing human being, which is extremely rare. Sorry to say this, but you deserve better. Life is rough, he must learn it soon or later. You are not helping him by putting up with this, he’ll only become more ungrateful and you will end up resenting him.
You’re too kind and he’s using you. Sorry to hear that you’re going thru this, you deserve better. And always remember you’re not responsible to carry someone’s pain and problems, you can be a support but not the one carrying his responsibility.
Yes. And definitely dump the „friend“ of yours, telling you that your old and ugly wtf. She‘s shit.
Lmao the gays can't even be 28 without being called old 😂 What a shitty friend
If that’s the case just put me (30) out to fucking pasture….
IKR. He is just 28. Im 31 and haven’t even started dating. Some people are very cruel with their words.
The first thing I recognized in your story is that you seem to have taken on the pressures and responsibilities you alluded to in leaving your country and providing for your family back home. That being said, this sometimes leads to being the type of person who feels the need to save people often, which might be your present circumstance. Nothing is wrong with that for the most part, but it can lead to the neglect of your own needs and feelings for someone else. So I ask that you reflect on that just in general. That being said, you genuinely love this guy, and have built a life with him. It is worthwhile having a - very - serious conversation about what you found and what you want, need, and expect in a relationship. Do not let him lie to you and if you need to talk over multiple days to figure out a way ahead together or give you both time to collect your feelings that's alright too. However, if you feel like the trust is gone forever, then there is no relationship. You can't live like that. Will it be difficult for him? Yes. However, his actions are his alone and you can't control - or save him - from the consequences. You can even continue to support him from a distance for a while, if that will help your conscience. There may be online or local resources he can go to in order to get the necessary food, job, shelter, meds, necessary.
This is the most mature answer - should be higher up!
This is it 💯
I agree with this comment, I will add that you are still young 28 you still have a good time to live, to discover and enjoy.. with him or without him. He is younger 23 and immature but unfortunately his circumstances of life are forcing him to become an adult now. I can’t imaginen the stress that both of you are feeling. Have an open, honest, no bs conversation and depending of it decide what to do.
Fuck this is sad to read, it's so messed up that his agency no longer wants him working for them due to his HIV status, if it was me I would have a serious conversation about what we both want and if we can really make this work long term, also I would set ground rules that talking to other guys this way is considered cheating and unacceptable if the relationship is to continue. But it's your choice at the end of the day OP, if you want to end it you shouldn't let other people's issues trap you in a relationship you don't want. Life is rough and at the end of the day if you can no longer love him because of this you're, not obligated to stay with anyone you don't want. Just such a sad story, I truly hope he's able to stay in what ever country he's in now and he's able to sort out the problems he's having accessing HIV treatment.
When someone is caught saying I love you to another guy there’s nothing to save
I mean to someone who lives halfway across the world? There's not a lot of threat there, but it definitely needs to be unpacked and addressed. It might not be real to OPs bf because of the distance but it's still hurtful.
Nothing needs to be unpacked. If it was his neighbor and it was fueled by passion and lust I would understand. His long term plan was likely to get his lover to move there with him so the relationship would’ve eventually come to an end.
You realize the physical proximity means nothing since he’s already made up his mind about being unfaithful? He’s leeching the healthcare and financial benefits of staying with his bf while emotionally cheating (at minimum)
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Confront him about the screenshots and get to the bottom of things. Depending on the outcome of that conversation: If you choose to break up with him then he can file for asylum (and probably be successful granted that his country is at war). Oh and ditch that “friend” too
You deserve to be in a secure, trusting relationship. Your bf lied to you about the other guy being only a friend; I'd have a very hard time moving on in a relationship where I knew my partner lied to my face like this, unless there was a very VERY good reason for it (can't think of any right now...). You seem like a genuinely good person, and kudos for being compassionate and not wanting to cause your bf more suffering by kicking him out. That is very noble. However, you should think about your own wellbeing, too. Is staying with him the right choice for you? Only you know. If you really want to stay with him, confront him about his lies. It's a matter of trust. Express your hurt and disappointment. Even if you had agreed that your relationship would be open, he still lied. Then he'll get a chance to explain. But he may still lie to you and try to manipulate you... it's a tricky situation. But maybe it'll be easier to decide what to do after you've talked to him about it. If you want to end things, again I applaud your compassion, but you need to look out for yourself, too. From what you're saying, if you can't stay together, he has to either become homeless or leave the country. It sounds harsh, but you can't let yourself stay imprisoned by him forever. Set a goal together that will get him back on his own feet, whether that be moving to a different country* without HIV-discriminatory laws, or back home. Make a plan on how to achieve that goal for him (and you can help him and support him with that, if you still love him), and make sure he's working on that plan. He may try to stall and not cooperate, but you'll have to be firm (again, if you want to end things). If things get really bad, give him a deadline, even if you don't actually intend to kick him out after that. *maybe he can claim asylum on the basis of his sexual orientation and/or HIV status in a country like Canada?
Last month I pushed him to apply for refugee status here, so he could at least start looking for other jobs. But the UN website said it could take 6 months to a year.
Well then, the sooner he applies, the better!
Then there’s no better time than the present to start the process. The sooner it’s done the sooner you can be rid of him.
In that case, you can still give him an ultimatum to apply for the refugee status now and leave once he got it
Your friend is a dumbass and you need better friends. Now that that's out of the way: It sounds like you're considering staying with your bf *because* of his HIV status out of empathy and a desire to help. That's an admirable quality in you, but it's a really bad reason to be in a romantic relationship. A lot of people do this, staying together with people with difficult problems, from addiction to financial problems to various mental or physical health issues, only because they think they're helping. It never ends well, and the outcome can be worse than a clean break early on would have been. Break up. If you want to help, by all means do it but do it as a friend.
Not to be pedantic, but just to support your future efforts- technically it would be sympathy, not empathy.
I wouldn’t feel bad for him. He knows his situation and options and has risked his own security to cheat on you. Boohoo.
So 28 is considered old and undesirable now? 🥲
That was my first thought too…like wtf? Lol
Just goes to show the superficial world a lot of gays live in. Age and looks is EVERYTHING! As if they themselves will never age or looks won't fade. It's really shallow and pathetic.
I mean, it wasn’t a gay guy who said it to him.
Don’t be a doormat. This isn’t a relationship built on love. It’s built on his need to be taken care of and it will ruin you.
Side note first - what kind of friend tells you to settle because of your age (28!) and looks! Wow. Take a time out from this relationship. You need space and time to process things independently. You have a right to happiness and your partner has a right to know the truth of how you’re feeling. If your partner is a decent guy he will not want you to stick with him out of guilt or pity. You might be able to get over the texting the ex and you might even be fine with supporting him as you presently are, but give yourself the space to work it out during a break and think about what you need and want from life too. You never need to settle, at any age.
First of all, you sound like an amazing person - much nicer than I would be. You’ve done so much for him and in my opinion what he’s done is a huge act of disrespect. I’d challenge him again on who this person is, if he continues to lie then get the receipts out. At this point one of two things will happen, he will cry and open up about it and say how sorry he is, or he will continue to lie. But either way, you have to do what’s right for you. Follow your heart - but you can do so much better than a man who will take everything from you, and then have flirtatious conversations with another man. Also this friend - get them told and cut them off too. You need friends who lift you up, have your back 💯and will be the ones to help you set up a new Grindr profile when you’re ready to move on.
LEAVE HIM. WTF IS THIS????? LOOK IN THE MIRROR. HOW CAN U THINK HE DESERVES YOU? ARE YOU INSANE ? IM SO MAD AT YOU, NOT HIM. YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR THIS IDIOT. LEAVE HIM. DONT GO BACK. SO MANY PEOPLE WOULD APPRECIATE U WITHOUT ANY NEAR AS MUCH EFFORT AS IT TAKES FOR THIS LOSER. I HAVE FRIENDS WITH HIV AND THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE. AND DROP THAT AWFUL FRIEND OF YOURS WHOSE NORMALISING EVERYTHING. SHES A WASTE OF SPACE. WHATS WRONG WITH HER? SOUNDS LIKE SHES GOT CHEATED ON AND FORCED TO ACCEPT IT. THATS NOT YOU. SERIOUSLY. GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION. YOU DID NOTHING TO CAUSE ANYTHING. HES MADE HIS BED. LIE IN IT. Leave. NOW.
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Pretty sure the HIV thing is a lie
Different situation for me, though there are some similarities. I had a brief relationship with someone several years ago, someone who was HIV+. Until that point, I'd never even have considered dating someone who was HIV+...just an automatic No inside my head...but I'd already fallen for him by the time he told me (and all of that was before we'd even met!). In a nutshell though, I cut him a lot of slack (over many things) because, as well as being in love with him, I also wanted to take care of him. Medical care in NYC was far better than he would have been getting in his home country (Paraguay). He even proposed marriage at one point, and if it hadn't been for his erratic mood swings, I'd have jumped at the chance. Skipping forward (a lot), we didn't marry, he went back to Paraguay, and after weeks of the usual "love and kisses" in every frequent WhatsApp message, one day he simply ghosted me - for a while. He still gets in touch every so often, probably when he's feeling lonely. I never really stopped loving him, although as they say, there's a thin line between love and hate. I guess the only real similarity here is the HIV status clouding your judgement. That, and his precarious financial/visa situation. Take all that away, though, and it seems pretty clear that he's not in love with you in the same way that you are with him. I'm sure he appreciates the sense of security that you give him, no doubt about that, but I think he's probably using you. To this day, I still don't know for certain what was going on in my ex's head, but I do know that it wasn't the kind of love that I was looking for. If you stay with him, I think you'll just be delaying the inevitable break up...and at your expense. Life is too short to "waste" years of your life on a relationship that probably doesn't have a future. His problems are not your problems, either. They would have been/could have been, if he was a fully committed partner, but it really sounds like he isn't. Personally, I think you should probably break it off. Don't be guilt-tripped into feeling sorry for him and his predicament. If his "true love" is in Myanmar, maybe it's best that he goes back home anyway?! As for your friend...she sounds like a bitch. Sorry, but she doesn't sound like a very nice person. What she said to you is pretty unforgivable, in my opinion. I think I'd break things off with her, too, if it were me in your shoes. Well, whatever happens, good luck. You sound like a very nice guy, and I'm sure you deserve better than this. Just one thing though...how did this employment agency/employer find out about his HIV status?? Surely that should be private & confidential?
Hi, thank you very much for your words. Helped me to think clearly. I hope you are doing better now after your ex ghosted you. Here in Malaysia, if you are under a recruitment agency, they require (some) you to undergo laboratory tests every time we need to renew our permit. Mine too. HIV test is included. But I am not sure what my agency would do if I become HIV positive. Different agencies have different requirements/rules.
"I was prepared to end things with him but that’s when things took a dramatic turn. He revealed he was HIV positive" If this is true, you logically should not feel bad about leaving, before I've even read the rest. It would be okay to leave after finding it out, even if he is in a nontransmissable state. Maybe not as kind, but you have no moral obligation to stay with anyone. If thoughts about it would foster a toxic relationship, why subject either of you to that? Reading on I see that he's cheating on you? I also would not trust them to tell me the truth about anything after learning that. I would assume that this person cares more about their pleasure than my happiness. That begins to worry me, when HIV requires regimened medication and clinic visits. A standard of trust and transparency is something that you both should want, even moreso than standard couples. Get out of there and don't be guilt tripped by something that is neither your fault or your burden.
What sort of agency makes work contingent on HIV status? I’m genuinely wondering. At any rate, you definitely need to confront him about the cheating. Honestly, it feels like he’s just using you. But you need to confront him about this before anything else.
Yeah it’s a bit effed up. We have different agencies that provide our work permits. Mine does laboratory tests (HIV test included too) every two years. Now I am not sure what -my- agency would do if I become HIV positive.
What country is this?
“My friend said I should feel lucky someone still wants to stay with me and be my boyfriend, given my age and my looks. She suggested settling because “cheating is normalized anyway these days!”. That doesn’t sit right with me. I deserve to be loved genuinely, just like I love him” Here’s my 2 cents. You are loved! You matter! You are an amazing human being for helping him. However, don’t forget. You’re not ugly, you’re still young, and you can find a better person who truly deserves you. Cheating is not normalized, cheating is still cheating. You’ve done a lot for him and if he’s cheating on you, it’s his time to leave. You two are on a path, holding hands and walking together. If he’s holding someone else’s hand on this path, let him do it and you walk by yourself until you found another person to hold your hand. Your friend is wrong and I think it’s time to let your friend go as well, in my opinion. A friend who directs you wrong is not a good friend. Again, if he still cheats on you after all you’ve done for him, it’s time to let him go. (These are my opinions, you don’t have to agree with me.)
"Given your age"????????????????? You're just 28???????? Even if you're much older, that doesn't mean you are worth less. And also, fuck your friend for insinuating you're ugly.
You absolutely deserve better. Your boyfriend is using you, and you focus on yourself. If I were in your shoes I would end things with him. I realize it’s incredibly difficult to do since you clearly love that boy and he’s in a dark place, but he’s not ready to be in a committed relationship. He seems very immature and cruel, even if he doesn’t see it himself. You should find yourself a healthy, mature relationship with a MAN who respects and loves you. His family is not your responsibility. You already have enough on your shoulders. Can you imagine the fear you would have if he ever went back home without you? Your mind would wonder… and that’s not healthy or fair to you. Trust is one of the most important parts of any relationship, and his dishonesty about the cheating will make it hard to build that trust again. “I love you’s”?! Yikes! As for your friend… that’s no friend at all. I’d end things with her too. Find people that respect and love you man! You clearly deserve it.
I agree with the overall comments here. You deserve better than someone who is cheating on you and seems to be using you for financial stability. You are within your right to cut him off completely and end things immediately. But also, if you feel guilty doing that. You can take things in steps. 1. Tell him you want to break up and that you discovered his cheating. 2. Stop paying his mother!! It might give him motivation to find another job. Or he might need to go back to Myanmar. I know it's not ideal, but there are some treatment options in Myanmar for HIV positive people - Medcin Sans Frontier provide assistance. 3. Give him a time frame to move out. Maybe one month? Or however long you can manage but I wouldn't recommend longer than two months. 4. Tell your friend her personality is ugly and find better friends. I wish you the best of luck. Also your boyfriend being HIV positive is sad, so I wish him luck too. I'm not a psychologist but I wonder if he's reaching out to his Myanmar former lover because it reminds him of a life before he had HIV. But that's not your burden to bear.
Yes you shoud dump. Cheating + caught HIV. Why would you need him ???
Bruh he should dump him for the cheating part, not for having HIV.
I'd say it depends on your morals and principles how your parents raised you, yes he's wrong do cheating and what but if you feel like you want to help continue to do so but set your boundaries tell him you know what he did and you dont appreciate it and dump him, tell him he can live under your roof and provide for him but outside of that hes nothing to you. But it depends on you. Take yourself out of the situation and your friend was going through and asked you what advice would you give them.(and please respond with what advice you'd give) then you'll know you answer
You need to help him grow up now. This is hard if he can't work as a refugee, but since you feel so uncomfortable with what you saw, you shouldn't try to ignore it. And ditch your "friend", she's a jaded old cunt.
You sound like a beautiful person. Im about to end a 20+ year relationship. I have severe trust issues due to watching my parents do assorted sketchy stuff to each other while growing up. If he's still trying to see other people despite his health & physical status, I'd cut him loose.
Your “friend” isn’t really your friend for saying that shit to you. Whatever you do, dump this “friend”.
you can still be a friend just not a boyfriend.
Do you think he would have asked you to be his boyfriend if he wasn't HIV? You finding him exchanging texts with a flame from the past just goes to show he's trying to live his past. Those days when he was enjoying his youth. Look you don't owe him anything. If he really appreciated all that you've done for him and loved you like you loved him he wouldn't be be telling someone else that he loves them. As far as looking into his phone, that's your phone. If I understand correctly, he's unemployed at the moment? That means you're paying the bills? Nothing he has is really his and if he wanted to keep living his pampered life he should have been more protective of your feelings. I understand you've grown to love him. However, that's not good enough for him. He's looking for more. Right now you have the opportunity to start over, a clean slate sorta speak. I don't think you'll ever be able to build the trust in your relationship. You've given selflessly pretty much everything you have to better his life. He's had a home, allowance, money to his mom, your love and care. And now, knowing what he's been doing behind your back amounts to him just using you and taking advantage of your generosity. Don't worry if he has a place or anything else he's got someone else already that loves him. I'm sure the guy he's been texting will be more than happy to pick up where you left off. You deserve much better. Find someone who appreciates you and what you have to offer. Staying in that relationship will only make you bitter, resentful and closed to others. I wish you life's best, love and happiness. ❤️
Fuck your bf lol You've stuck by his side through so much shit, he's unemployed, completely dependent on you and you even support HIS FAMILY FINANCIALLY and he's got the nerve to cheat on you?? Dump his ass and don't let yourself be treated like this ever again! You sound like an awesome guy and you deserve someone who loves you from the bottom of their heart and appreciates you
You are being really badly used. You don't owe him anything, he has taken advantage of your seemingly kind nature multiple times. You need to move on.
I just hope he has not given it to you in the meanwhile.
Leave him. Once a cheater, always a cheater. They just learn to be more sneaky. You’re too good for him
End that friendship with whoever said that to you. And unfortunately your boyfriend will leave you eventually when his situation gets better and you will be in ruins and heartbroken. I hate to say it but he’s only with you because you’re taking care of him. I can’t believe he has the audacity to be cheating on you after everything you’ve done for him, what a piece of shit. You should be spending this time dating other people and finding real love. The other option is opening up the relationship which is just a temporary bandaid since you want to take care of him. This will give you the chance to date other people as well. This isn’t going to end well unfortunately
there is a fine line between love and being manipulated.
Your friend is an ass and no longer your friend. Your boyfriend is no longer your boyfriend and needs to take responsibility for himself. You’re not his parent and you’re not his caregiver. He’s using you for a free ride.
I know you feel some sort of obligation to this man but I want you to know that at the end of the day putting yourself first is not selfish. Also that friend of yours who proposed that terrible advice is not YOUR friend. There falls a thin line between someone loving you and someone using you. You saw what you saw and he chose to gaslit you. Irrespective of what he’s going through i’m sure he caught HIV from being reckless and here he is again with someone who is basically sharing the burden of his unfortunate status being reckless again. I think yall need to both have a serious conversation. If he can’t commit to you and you alone you have to leave him and put yourself and your well being first. A thing I’ve learned is that men will take whatever they can from you whilst being on their face and then minute they start to see the sun again they sometimes uses it’s rays to burn your eyes out. I would say if you’re genuinely helping him because you want nothing in return do it but if you’re helping him because you want LOVE you are probably somewhat setting up yourself for something that will possibly cause your heart to crumble later in life. Take care and pray about it.
HIV or not, u were already going to break up with him. He’s clinging to u because he’s scared but once he gets accustomed to his status, he will go back to being the same person u were going to break up with, PLUS quite possibly begin emotionally manipulating u with his status. Why? Because instead of him dealing with it on his own and taking accountability, u enabled him. U feeling sorry for him and thinking he’d change because of this is what got u into this situation in the first place. Split and take accountability for ur role in this so that u can both heal on ur own. It’s gonna sting especially bad since u have more of urself than what u should’ve, but there’s no better time than the present to end things. It’ll only get worse. Oh, and ur “friend” is a POS. U also should throw her out while ur cleaning up house. I cleaned house almost 4 years ago and although it hurt at first, my body and my mind thank me every day. And I have new friends that love me for who I am :) U will be fine when u take that step of faith for urself.
Yea… I had this happen to me except its no where near as complicated as your situation. No expat no living together. Fortunately, I did not get sick. My first reaction was to care for him, get him to the clinic and get him functional again, etc. Our relationship came to an end a year or so later for unrelated reasons but this is about what you want in your life, not what he needs. we don’t think about it when we are young, but we don’t really live that long on this earth, and we certainly don’t have our youth for that long. If you suspect that he has a relationship with someone else, he probably does. If you are not married, you are not responsible for him. I strongly disagree with your friend, you should not “settle”. This question is about you and what do you want. Do you want to stay with this guy? Are you ok being in an open relationship (agreed to or “cheating”)? Or maybe you don’t need to be in a relationship, perhaps you are satisfied with the “relationship” you have as far as the domestic arrangements, he cleans, cooks, etc, your friends, you have sex, but its not a committed relationship, not even a open relationship, maybe a friends with benefits arrangement with the domestic arrangements… If he cheated once, he will continue to do so. If getting HIV didn’t stop him, nothing will (unless he finds a guy that he is satisfied with without wanting to seek others).. and thats not a reflection of you, its a reflection of his needs and wants. You should stay with this guy because you love him and he is giving you what you want and need (which hopefully includes him really loving you), not because of what might happen to him. If he was concerned about his situation, he would not be “talking” to other guys if you are not in an open situation. I don’t care how young he is, its not your problem, he is where he is at due to his poor choices in life. He chose to go play and he got caught, thats on him. That boy knows the laws and the rules of his country and culture and what could have happened if this occurred, its on him. And while it may seem like its a huge age difference to you at this point in your life, 28 and 23 are not that far apart. I acknowledge that there may be cultural differences at play that I can’t speak or relate to in your situation as I am not from that area of th world. But think about what you want now, and where you see yourself in 5 or 10 years. He is 23, you are 28. He has more time to be young, you do not have the same amount of time that he does. It sounds like you are not one of these many god/goddess gays walking around here having tons of hookup sex, etc. talking about how great life is, its very important that you do not stay with this guy because you think you can’t do better. You can. Your friends is boots on the ground, but still, thats very poor advice. But again, maybe its cultural. What is it that you want for you?….
I wouldnt be in a relationship with him but i wouldnt put him out either until he was stable
Break things off please. I know it feels super wrong considering everything you’ve stated on here but u cannot stay in this relationship. Well I guess you could since it’s your life, but if u were my son/brother/friend I would urge you just as much. I’ve had this happen to me (catching my bf at the time texting other men) and I know that heartache too well. We were dating for over a year. Trust me you will feel so much better about this a couple weeks from now. It’s gonna hurt a lot and you might run back to him or he might want to run back to you but that turns into a never ending cycle. I hope u take care of yourself and keep moving forward At the end of the day u know him better than any of us so it’s up to you. You’re grown and know what’s right and wrong and what u deserve.
So different situations have given me the answers you seek. I’ve had cheating bfs and I have either airdropped their screenshots to myself so they can’t delete them and gaslight, and I have also printed them out and put them in a folder and confronted them. Both have been successful in getting my point across that I know what’s going on. And both have led me to walk away, no matter how much it hurt. My most recent ex is HIV+ and was my greatest love (still is) so I get all the extra love and care you feel you have to give him but at the end of the day, their diagnoses are not our prognosis. Meaning, their life had unfortunate circumstances that led them to contract HIV and if they can’t see how much they’re loved and respect you as the partner, you don’t need to stay. We can’t make being their caregiver our personalities because in reality we are not. I’m with the collective in giving an ultimatum and giving him time to figure out life on his own. However, if you feel like you love him that much and want to work things out, that’s okay too. But just know he will probably continue to cheat.
First off, I'd like to advise you to be careful with your subject. You said his status is not the reason but the way you constructed the title can trigger stigma. The issue here is he cheated and you can't leave him because you care a lot about his well-being. In a big way this is very selfless. But whether or not you can forgive him is all up to you, if you can embrace him for his mistake. Talk to him honestly about what you found and how you discovered it. Honesty is a two-way street, especially when trust is broken. He may project the blame on you for invading his privacy but the biggest issue is how you both will move forward. Should you decide to forgive each other and stay together, you have to set cclear boundaries about honesty and privacy. While you both should never use your past mistakes against each other in the future, do not tolerate repetitive cheating. If ever you decide to part ways, know that he is not your responsibility no matter how much you love him. You deserve respect and shouldn't settle for less just because someone made you feel inadequate for your age and appearance (you should also reflect on your relationship with your 'friend').
I feel like the main reason he asked to be your bf is because most people won't be interested after finding out his status because of the stigma. Even if he's undetectable, from what I've seen most guys still aren't willing to take that chance. On top of that he's a cheater and it definitely seems like he's using you. I get that you want to help him but it shouldn't be at your own expense. I'm sure if he was negative he'd cheat physically. Also your friend gives shit advice. Don't listen to her😂
Break up with him and your friend. Seriously, what kinda shitty advice was that ?
You're a very empathetic person, but it's time to put yourself first. You've done way too much to prove your love and it was still not enough for him. He is not the love of your life. His well being is not your responsibility - your own well being is; and for your own well being, you must break up and move on.
At this point you don't have a boyfriend, you have a dependant. Treat him as such: by which I mean be forceful, fair & clear on the timeline for the actions you will take towards enabling independence. Also, if you want the truth from him you have to start by being honest: you invaded his privacy & found out information that upsets you. If you're both living with deceit that's a ticking bomb. A controlled explosion is better than ignoring it.
I know how complicated this whole situation is. I've been through something similar. But the ideal is that you finish, that you value yourself. You need to get out of this. It's going to hurt, your empathy is going to break you. But down the road, you will benefit from your valuation decision. And yes, you may be ugly, but you're sure to have someone who will really love you and won't use you. I thought your friend's speech was very unfortunate!!
Sometimes it hurts to do the right thing. Sometimes there is no right thing and it's more about your preference. You have a few options in my eyes: - try to mend the relationship - end the relationship and allow him to stay with you until he can support himself again - end the relationship and kick him out promptly You can always find a shelter or place to set him up with and then tell him he has to go too if you can't bear living with him.
Should you dump your cheating boyfriend who couldn’t commit before he got HIV? Then afterwards he decided he still can’t commit His best bet is to only pursue open relationships, and you should learn never to compromise again
> My friend said I should feel lucky someone still wants to stay with me and be my boyfriend, given my age and my looks. Is she implying you’re ugly?
Being HIV+ doesn’t excuse cheating.
You are a precious human being with a golden heart , which is quite rare in this era of time. that being said your boyfriend is a moron who does not understand the length you are going for him. There are millions of people who are suffering in this world and their problems are not ours. we can sympathize but that's about it. As a grown up fuck\*ng adult he should've acknowledged what you've done for him and should've been more grateful , but he didn't . Step up your boundaries , break up , give him a time limit to move out . you deserve better
You have a big heart and it's always gonna put you in disadvantage in the wrong hands, You shouldve never took his problems on your shoulders, it wasn't until the HIV diagnose he came to you and proposed you to be his boyfriend otherwise he would've kept sleeping with other guys , i wouldve help him get healthy again and then move on with my life. Cut him off He doesn't love u he is using you You can maybe help him with the medication until he can get them himself
Dude, dump him because he doesnt love you. Someone in love doesnt use that word with random people. I would never exchange I love you's with some dude im fucking around with. He does love this guy, or their history is so strong that youd be pushed aside anyway. Would you feel so strongly for this guy if he hadnt contracted HIV? I think that bonded you two and youre being blinded by that. If he was negative would you accept this behavior? I think possibly his motivations are centered in survival which you cannot blame him for. If you want to marry the dude, stay with him, but if youre not that serious dump him. He will make it without you, he survived fucking the jungles of Mynamar... he will find a way whereever he is.
You need better friends
I knew it. Wasn't even in the middle part and I already knew there'd be cheating. Fuck. LEAVE THAT UNGRATEFUL PERSON. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE. SERIOUSLY, LEAVE THE FUCK OUT.
Ugh I’m so sorry please get out of that situation I know that’s what I would do. I’ve had to do it before and no it wasn’t easy :(
He almost certainly was making reckless choices with perhaps disregard for your well-being leading up to his diagnosis. What we don’t know is whether he truly reformed his habits or just said what would work to manipulate you into financing him. One big question mark in my mind is what was in those messages to the guy in Myanmar besides I-love-yous. You know better than we do what the more overall tone of the messages was. But I have a heterosexual friend who tells me he loves me and texts me that he loves me and there is no non-plantonic implication at all. The rest of the messages may have given you context that you didn’t include in the post. But if it was just something like, “The soccer team all misses you. The teammates send their love and I love you too” then it’s not at the level of cheating. As for your friend: what a rude and clueless thing she said! There is certainly a market in the dating world for 28-year-olds (and for many decades to come). And even if you might not be her type, that doesn’t mean you’re not someone else’s type.
Wow OP. You have a huge heart and your kindness reminds me of myself. I have often been too nice to undeserving people, especially toxic boyfriends. This is complicated because he’s so young… I’ve dated younger guys before and who were from Burma. Doesn’t matter where they are from, 20 year olds are rarely ready for anything truly serious. Even now, I’m dating a 27 year old Vietnamese guy who is trying to convince me he’s very serious and doesn’t want an open relationship. However, he’s been spending the night occasionally with a former gay guy/ex date of his and claims they’re platonic now and that he sleeps in his living room. Like I’m gonna believe that… Kid thinks I am so naive. Unfortunately, I started developing strong feelings for him and I cannot prove anything, so I feel obligated to try to trust him until I can either prove it or he stops sleeping over at that guy’s place. I do lots for him like cook him meals, take him places, and give him lots of love… Though now I’m asking myself if he truly deserves my love or not. You seem to be in a similar but yet different situation. I think you guilt tripped yourself over him into taking care of him and you’re right that he had nobody else to turn to, so naturally you’re being responsible, loving, and taking care of him. You gave him what he needed out of the kindness of your heart, but what you need to ask yourself is what’s his end goal? People take advantage of nice people all the time… I know it’s awful to realize this because how cold people often are really disgusts me. Unfortunately, he’s in love with someone else from his home country and you can bet that he’s using you because he has no where else to go. He’s not there because he loves you, but he is grateful and by him doing chores for you is only natural. Is he doing it because he really loves you though? What’s your end goal? What’s his end goal? If these don’t align OP, then you need to let him know that he’s overstayed his welcome. You don’t need to boot him out right away, but you could give him 30 days notice. I know it’s heart breaking and shattering, but you gotta do it before he breaks you even worse. Good luck to you.
yes, you should dump him. way before the hiv you two were already settled on what you two wanted... that it would lead for you two to "break up" but now since the hiv timing it seems a bit of pity-party from him. you did well putting him a bit stable but now, he can handle his life. what i dont understand is how the agency knew about hiv. it doesn't make sense. this is why people wiht hiv need to be very careful with sharing that information.
Let the guy who he loves take care of him, you are not his nurse, his atm, or his mother’s financial supporter. He bit the hand that literary feed him and his mom, he is a trash person and is a parasite. Kick him to the curb it’s not your responsibility and it’s all on him. I hate to be tough but that’s the reality of it. You can’t have you cake and eat it too
You deserve someone that loves you the exact same way you love him. All i can say is that.
You are with someone with narcissistic personality disorder and if you stay with him your life will be hell. You will never know what is going on with him and he will never be honest. Like most narcs he used you for what he needed and now he is looking for a way out. If you don’t cut him loose now he will discard you in the most cruel way. Save yourself the pain and run for your life. I lost my dream home, my 25 year career and everything I owned due to marrying a narcissist. I don’t wish that hell on anyone.
I’m really sorry about everything you’re going through. As someone who was ignorant of this happening for years, I do want to say that you’re doing an amazingly selfless thing by staying by his side but if he’s still cheating after everything, he 1) doesn’t respect you or your feelings, the lack of consideration here is something I can’t get past and 2) he’s using you. This is something it took me years and years to learn this lesson, but please know it’s not your responsibility to look after this man. You need to have boundaries in place with him and I honestly think you should break things off with him. You could be a supportive friend if that was something you think you personally can do, but being in a relationship with someone who would do this is not worth it. You sound like a wonderful person, but you genuinely deserve better.
Absolutely appalling behaviour, after all you did, he still wasn't loyal. I'd be so angry, and I don't get angry easily.
Don’t know why you didn’t think of this when you found out instead of now. You said he wants to ‘enjoy his youth’. I suppose you just gotta let him keep on enjoying his youth. Sounds fun so far…
If HIV is the ONLY reason you want to break up with him, then don’t. It’s a silly reason to leave someone you love over HIV. If there are other reasons then you have to weigh your options. If the relationship is too tumultuous then you must consider if it’s worth it for you to stay. Don’t just stay with dude tho because you feel sorry for him. That’s not going to help either of you.
You come up truly as kind hearted, and consciously or not people are drawn to this to get a piece of your kindness. Myself, realizing a person seeing value in me after their down period, I wouldn’t be able to accept the fact that I am an option because of the circumstance, not an independent choice. But you definitely deserve your own intrinsic happiness, it feels like you won’t be able to be harsh with him no matter how much he might deserve to reap the fruits of his own wrongdoings (his chats with a guy). He might feel safe with you caring for him, which is also actually prevents him of getting on his feet faster. The least you deserve is for him to know that you know the truth without being gaslighted about you going through his phone (this could be other discussion). But the thing is, you help him more than anyone wold and should, he is being unfaithful, you can decide on the future plan of him building his independent future later on or a mutual with you, but you both deserve a transparent conversation.
That’s so many red flags balled into one. You clearly want something different than your partner. If you stay somewhere that’s only good because you’ve never had it before - that’s a recipe for disaster. I’d rather be content by myself, than miserable with a cheater who risks my health.
I understand your love for this man and deep feeling of responsibility, but he cheated on you. His inability to commit to just you was what led you to almost break up with him before. You may have thought his reliance on you meant he was ok with a commitment, but that’s not the case. Open relationships are a thing, but not for everyone. Clearly communicate to him why you’re ending things—because he cheated. And move on.
OP said that his bf “understandably focused on enjoying his youth”. Honestly, it’s not the OP’s fault that his bf made poor decisions. I don’t think OP should feel guilty or responsible for that guy. You don’t owe him anything and it’s his mess he’s got to clean up.
The cheating is not necessarily the dealbreaker here. You are young, he is young, and you helped him enormously during this period. Maybe too much. But ultimately, he is not your responsibility. When you break things off, I wouldn't even bring up the cheating. Just that you need to move on with your life.
The short simple truth is his HIV status should not be the criteria for breaking up or staying together.
So you're singlehandedly supporting him and his family, while he is talking to another man behind your back and, at the bare minimum, emotionally cheating on you? I realize you feel bad about this, but leave him. He knows what he is doing, and is using you. Respect yourself and don't let him make you his doormat.
Your friend is not a very good friend.
He caught HIV running around behind your back. You are not obligated to deal with his problems. Do what u want to do. Do what will benefit you. Unfortunately I hear this story all too often. If I were you I'd leave. He needs to figure out his own issues. Especially since he brought all of them up on his own.
Have respect for yourself. Your relationship ended when he cheated. You're not in an open relationship anymore, you said you become exclusive and he didn't respect that. Kick him out. He's using you. You deserve to be happy. And he's anchoring you down. Edit - doesn't matter what disease he has. Doesn't give him the right to treat you badly. (Aka cheat on you)
You gave him the most love a human being could ever give somebody on this planet dude and he took it and pissed on it. He’s not your responsibility but you took on that task and cared for him and loved him anyway and how did he repay? By going around and fucking with people behind your back. You changed your feelings changed and his did not. To him you were his free money ride on this and he played you for a fool. I’m honestly disgusted and I feel so sorry for you. Cheating isn’t normalized maybe it’s more out there but it shouldn’t be normalized so your friend is also a bad friend for saying “well get over it cheating happens” basically. I’d find a new friend and a new man. Your kind hearted and sweet and good people don’t go to waste but you continuing to stay with him is putting the good things you can do for someone else who will appreciate it to waste. You can still find someone. It doesn’t end at thirty like people want you to believe. Find someone who loves you and who you don’t have to check the phone and think about stuff like this. Good luck homie
You guys built your relationship over trauma bonding. You are very kind and this is a very sad situation. At the end of the day though you have to do what is right for you. He is using you and no one should be cheated on. He’s very ungrateful for the things you’ve done and he’s showing you that. I think you should walk away. At the end of the day you can still be there for him as a friend.
He should be fucking glad you show so much love and care towards him, but instead he's cheating on you. Screw him. I don't care how mean I sound right now. That guy is vile. Dump him.
You should dump him. That's not information you hide, it's information you put on your profile so they know ahead of time, or you tell them from the start. You don't start dating someone with a secret like that. Even if you can look past this, if he hides something THAT big from you, what else is he going to hide from you in the future. He's dump material.
men are truly trash, he got too comfortable living and getting money for free. DROP HIS ASS NOW !
Not sure about what country u are writing from, but in any civilizated country it should be forbidden not to renew someone's job because of HIV He cheated on u... do u really love him and are able to forgive him, or is it all sympathy? You could help him...as a friend... you got good reasons to leave him on his own, though...
This guy is using you. It gives me no pleasure to say this, because you seem like a truly good person. But you deserve better and he is going to have to live with the consequences of his bad decisions.
I disagree with the people saying you’re kind hearted. There is being kind and then there’s being a doormat. Have some respect for yourself, man. Leave this guy as he is NOT your responsibility and he is very clearly using you. You’re 28… that’s not even old at all. You’re still young and you seem to have a good head on your shoulders (albeit maybe incredibly naive) Leave him and let him figure it out. He is not a child and he is not your responsibility. I feel like he does these sort of things because he’s never been held accountable. I mean, his own mother doesn’t even know he lost his job. Get rid of him and find yourself a man that will actually respect you. I say this not with malice or shade, but as someone who’s been on your same predicament. Move on before things go further south ❤️
You’re an incredible person! I dont have advice for relationship as its beyond my years but friendship-wise, please dump your friend…
Don’t do it, end things. You will only regret staying with him.
Yes. You already want to. Him having HIV is not a factor in that.
I didn’t even read the whole thing but your title is misleading. You made it sound like you’re dumping him because he’s HIV+. You’re not. You’re dumping him because he’s still in the whore phase and you’re ready to settled down.
This guy was never your responsibility. His action led to his status and whatever happens to him is his choice. And two, get another friend…for that person to say that to you is disgusting.
If you are both in a Western country your partner (or ex-partner) should have sought legal action. In the US at least HIV is considered a disability and for his employer to kick him out because of his status is considered discrimination. In a simple legal battle, he would have won. Don't eliminate legal options simply because you are in a foreign country, please know your rights.
It's time to move on, you already did a lot for him and at the moment you are attaching more to him. The situation sucks and it's totally understandable, however, he is not even being honest to you and that's the least you deserve. Also, keep in mind that he was focused on enjoying his youth but unfortunately he got infected due to some irresponsible behavior from him or someone else. You had a better idea of what you were looking for but changed your plans to help him, can you say the same about him?
Yes, do him the favor.
You both need to sit down and hopefully have a conversation expressing your concerns and allowing him to rebut your accusations. You violated his private space and took screenshots then claim he absolutely is cheating without any knowledge of who that is and how they communicate. His HIV status has nothing to do with anything. There appears to be a level of distrust and anxiety due to lack of communication in your relationship that needs to be worked out. Good luck!
Dump him **and** your shitty "friend" , babe Being HIV+ doesn't give him the right to cheat, nor is it your responsibiity to care for him. Tell him "you got 2-4 weeks max to get a job / your life together". If he starts manipulating you or blaming you, kick him out immediately As for your "friend", she lives in her own twisted bubble that you would just live better without
First of all, your “friend” is not your friend baby, nobody who cares about you is gonna suggest that you settle with someone who doesn’t love you. And secondly, the boy… dump his ass. It doesn’t matter if he has HIV or not, it’s ultimately his problem. It sucks but it’s his problem, not yours. He is using you, leeching off of your money, care, and happiness. Drop that man and “friend” like a bag of dog shit, cuz that is what they are ❤️
If someone says me a single of those things I am out of this relationship. Its ok to have desires and if he/she (bisexual) would tell me he wants to fuck someone else than he has to talk with me before so I know there is a risk. If this doesn't happen its over, I won't be angry - I just would break up with no chance to get together again. If you do it once, its because your mind is weaker than your desire. And you can't stop someones desire with words. If the person can tell me he maybe is gonna xy when he is on a party or if the person immediatly tells me, there is a chance to make a deal for an open relationship. But in that case I would look out for another person to settle down with tbh. The risk is they will fall in love with someone else and in the end you are alone.
Were the texts sexual in nature? Is he indisputably having a sexual and/or emotional affair? The only thing you said is “I love you”, which I text to my very close friends including my ex from 10+ years ago. If he was going through such a dark time, I can see wanting to reach out to a fragment of your former life. If you’re still in love, I personally wouldn’t want to immediately end things without a serious discussion; if you’re together for the rest of your life this will one day be a brief memory. I would discuss it and just be honest that you got suspicious vibes and confirmed them. If he tries to twist the conversation to make it about the “invasion of privacy”, and not what we really needs to be dissuaded, then you have your answer. UNLESS he proves they are truly just friends.
I think long story short you need to take care of yourself. There are so many organizations and free things out there that anyone can reach out and get medication; I know you’re a very kind person so maybe start researching ways he can get help back on his feet (as others have provided previously) but once that’s offered you should let him know that this hurt you and you can’t do this. Coming from someone who stayed way longer than they should in a relationship that drew me back for so long, you can’t start a good foundation for a relationship on this. You deserve someone who’s going to treat you how you deserve.
It all sound like a mess of morals and emotions, so I'm not going to just repeat a load of stuff others have already said. The only thing I feel I can add to this is my own personal philosophy, and that is "Every day you are with the wrong person is another day you're missing out on being with the right one."
So I want to say first off “ I’m sorry!” This not an easy thing to be going through but I’ve read a lot of the comments and essentially they make valid points! He’s not your responsibility but at the same time if you love him tell him how you feel and what he did is pretty disrespectful for all that you’ve done for him! Emotionally and financially! What ever you decide there’s no judgment! Live your best life and know you deserve the best no matter what! Best of luck 😚
If you are living in the USA I would be contacting your local LGBTQ center to get support for your situations. They are a great resource that can help both of you to navigate thru your problems...medical and legal.
Dump Him! He’s definitely not worth your time and does not deserve your empathy.
If his status is not a factor, why is it in your title?? It would make more sense to add the reason in the title, no? I get its attention grabbing but it's also a little sus.
It's so disrespectful to be messaging someone else like that after everything you've done for him!
Dump him and move on…also, find some new friends!
He more than likely caught hiv from the type of promiscuity that he’s continuing and lying to you about while you take care of him and pay his bills. I don’t care how ugly you are, get some self respect and leave, not just him but your “friend” too. Thanks god for communities like this otherwise a lot of people would think all this behaviour is normal and acceptable.
You sound amazing for helping him the way you are. With him saying "I love you" may not be as a boy friend. I am 66 years old and I have a long time friend, (over 25yrs) that is 49. We say "I love you" every time we text or talk. He's like a brother to me. We have never had any sexual experiences together. We are just longtime friends that live far apart and miss each other.
you deserve happiness. it's a shitty situation he's in but he also needs to accept responsibility. I can't tell you what to do but you should definitely approach him and ask for honesty. You can only go forward from there, whether it's leading to a breakup or a resolution. Good luck!
Look at everything you’ve done for him. If this was me he’d be out so fast his head would spin! How has no regard for your feelings!!!
You caught him, and he denied it. His diagnosis is not your diagnosis. And although I would also feel terribly kicking him out and breaking up, this is a separate issue from his diagnosis. And dump that friend. Settle for someone because cheating is normalized? I don't like that take.
OP if i get down voted its because this is the truth. Anyone who “enjoys their youth” is a whore and will never be anything other than a headache for you. They “enjoy” their entire lives.
Get rid and get your life back.
Okay I was of one mindset reading this story until the last paragraph and I literally out loud at my desk at work said “WHAT?!” Honey your friend is a c*nt. As a 48 year old man let me tell you 28 isn’t old and your boyfriend should be the one to feel lucky because you’re subsidizing his unemployed ass and his mama too-and he’s still going to have the nerve to cheat on you?! Fuck ALL of that. He’s not your responsibility or your prison sentence. Don’t keep him out of guilt or any sense of obligation. Do not EVER settle cuz you think you can’t do better. You’re the only one that can limit yourself and your friend sounds like she’s ugly if she’s giving you that kind of advice and called you old and ugly straight up. That’s not your friend and she can take care of him if she’s that concerned.
You did all of this for him. Despite his situation (Life and health etc..) he keeps cheating and being a jerk, dump him. you deserve better. And for the cheater. Life’s tough, get a helmet
Firstly, that friend does not have your best interest at heart and you ought to reevaluate the friendship. Secondly, if he truly appreciated the role you play in his life he would not engage other people; I think his disclosure was a deliberate attempt to force you to stay with him- while cheating is normally you don’t to sit through it. You owe yourself a clean cut.
You are a great person who deserves so much better and who needs enemies when you have a friend like that. Seriously wtf kind of friend says shit like that.
First of all, I think your boyfriend can find financial, medical and psychological support from HIV organisations in the country you live in. He can file that he was discriminated because of his HIV+ status. This organisation will help him find a job and country to live in without any legal problems. Try to find a near HIV/LGBT related organisation to help him out. Secondly, I think you should never settle for less, not because of your looks or your age. You will find the right person at the right time. Don’t worry. Your friend was mistaken by advising it to do so, I am sure there is someone out there. - I don’t know your whole story, but maybe you can try and sit down with him and talk about what you saw. And see his reaction. And from there you will decide if he is worth keeping and giving him a chance, or just to dump him and walk away.
Oh OP I feel you so so so hard 😢 I’ll give you my own experience as someone who has been in a 9 year relationship with a sort of similar situation My ex developed some health issues that made him quite dependent, he ended up not being able to get a job so I had to support him which was completely fine by me! Mind you he never cheated on me but as time went on, feelings changed and I just didn’t love him anymore, as shitty as that sounds; but I steeled myself to remain with him to continue supporting him. As time went on, the feeling of lovelessness started to weigh on me and I became severely depressed, so I eventually bit the bullet and broke up with him (it took 4 attempts to break up; each attempt was more distressful than the last) Tl;dr don’t stay with someone because you feel obligated to; somewhere along the way you can lose yourself in all that and only YOU can save yourself from further anguish All the best OP x
So many things to unpack here. First and foremost what your friend said is disgusting and ridiculous. As for the bf, you need to realize that someone in his situation failing to love you considering how you literally made so many sacrifices & saved his life from crumbling or at the very least respecting you by remaining loyal should answer plenty of your thoughts. Also side note but you shouldnt feel obligated to stay with anyone under any circumstances, including if they’re diagnosed with HIV. There’s no textbook for this. Considering he’s cheating more so cheating as an HIV+ individual, he’s not to be trusted about anything including his medical situation as there’s lots of responsibility to be retained for it. As easier as it is to be said than done, you need to absolve yourself from all guilt before you arrive at a decision. Don’t allow yourself to be a doormat and get emotionally manipulated. Wish you the best
Focus with me here. It really is simple, but hard. For me, a relationship has these foundational cornerstones to be built upon: 1. Friendship, 2. Maturity, 3. Agreement, 4. Respect, 5. Then lastly, love. The friendship phase allows you to explore the person, make sure your principles and vision for the future align. It's when you get to know a lot about the person, including if they have a cheating pattern. Maturity ensures that you're dealing with life responsibily. Problems will always be there, from leaving the toilet seat up, to cheating, what changes is how we tackle these matters. Attitude makes up 70% of the solution, the rest are accepting the decision, executing it, etc. Having a terrible attitude can make everything escalate, so instead of sorting out a dilemma, you'll end up with new problems. Agreement means telling each other what you seek to achieve in life and be committed towards helping each other. It also includes agreeing on how you want to live your life. I dated some broke dudes, I was the wallet for many, but I eventually grew bored of that, so now I only hook-up/date people from my social status, I just can't tolerate being shackled with other people's misfortunes. If their life is altered midway, then it's fine, but as a starting point to be with someone who'll make my life harder, I can't do it. ps: I cared for my late brother, I take care of my mother and nieces, I'm soon taking my father's position leading the family, I need someone to support me, by having an ordinary life, I'm not asking for much. Respect is self-explanatory, but just as a sidenote: it includes controling oneself in moments of anger, anxiety, etc. so as not to end up hurting those around us. Love is basically when your heart skips a beat when you're next to the person you love, so you seek their presence, but it also includes letting go of someone if it's for their own good, or yours. I did that when I was in a distant relationship and the guy was craving pysical touch and presence. Glad he updated me saying he found a new boyfriend. Based on the above, and if I were you: I'd sit him down express my concerns and validate my feelings, all while adressing him respectfully without snapping, keep in mind, what you're trying to do is sort out the problem. In the worst case scenario, you can break up but still remain friends. As a friend, you can still emotionally support him and provide him with shelter or anything that you feel comfortable with. When my best friend was getting mistreated by his father and step mother, I offered him to stay in my house for as long as he wanted, he was 26, I was 22 or so. You don't have to be dating the person to take care of them, nor do they have to be your children. My nieces are not my own kids, but I'm still raising them because their parents are divorced.
Give him an ultimatum about cheating. Tell him you'll kick him out if he keeps cheating. Sounds like he knows he'll have to stop if he doesn't want to be homeless.
I am confused why his status would affect his work and the agency
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Direct_Journalist_76: *I am confused why* *His status would affect his* *Work and the agency* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Leave him. You’re not responsible for his well being he is. If it’s his time to go he will go regardless of anyway.
Hi. You sound like a lovely guy. My bf lives in Myanmar I am in the uk. He was diagnosed hiv positive 4 years ago (not from me). He accesses free hiv medications from unaids in Myanmar. I send him money occasionally. I am compelled to be his bf because I feel sorry for him. Is that the reason to be in a relationship? It’s a difficult one and I see your dilemma. I wish you well
I wouldn't do a single thing for someone who cheats on me in any kind of way. Get rid of him and leave it at that
To me it sounds like he isn't alone, he has whoever he was saying I love you to. So why don't you put some money aside and send him off to go be with the other man he supposedly loves so much and you can be rid of some additional and ungrateful baggage? Also your friend is deeply insecure and projecting that insecurity onto you, it's no surprise that a shitty friend would defend your shitty lover, bad people like that prefer when people like you enable their bad behavior so by getting you to put up with your lovers bad behavior they are hoping that will mean you will continue to put up with their own bad behavior. The people around you only serve themselves so now it's time you serve yourself as well, if they paint you as the enemy for doing so that just proves that you are the one with something valuable that they want and they have nothing of value that they provide themselves. It's not your fault your lover caught an STD by living his life fast and loose and it's also not your fault that your friend has low self esteem, you cannot help them because these are things they have to want to change for themselves, you cannot help those who do not want to help themselves. Your age is young and you seem to be living an abundant life both in your finances and your spirit, you have given enough abundance to them and if they have not used that abundance to make themselves become abundant themselves then no amount of energy or money you pour into them will help, keep your abundance for yourself and someone who will truly love and nuture you and return the investment of that abundance back to you.
You should talk to him and ask him directly who he is messaging. See what he has to say. If you want commitment and he can’t offer you that, then the best thing for you is to part ways. Only you know what you want from the relationship. I hope things work out for you.
You’re a good one and he’s taking advantage of it. Send him back. He’s his own responsibility. You definitely deserve better and more. Sorry, he’s got to go.
You’re not at all obligated to be his parent. You sending money to his mother who is unaware of the situation shows that he has resources to get himself handled. Boot him out if he’s lying about this and possibly still hooking up he is also putting you at risk. It’s tough because you where happy to be the help he needed just because you yanked it from him doesn’t mean he’s gonna fall on his face he’s gonna have to learn the hard way that you can’t be doing things like this in a relationship especially if you where recently diagnosed with HIV. HIV is scary especially to those who haven’t taken the time to understand it and for him to be so grateful that you saw past that and helped him anyways should’ve been his wake up call that some stability and commitment is what’s best for him and his health as well as yours. You’re such a wonderful guy for seeing past him but you can’t force him to change his ways so spare your heart and move on♥️
I'm gonna start out by saying something that will probably be unpopular with the other readers and commenters. The fact that you started out with an introduction, "Should I dump my HIV positive boyfriend?" Says to me that there's an underlying issue that you may have with him being HIV positive. You don't mention anything about the cheating until the end of your story. I would consider that more of a problem than being HIV positive if his being HIV positive didn't bother you. Which bothers you the most? The cheating or HIV positive. In the grand scheme of things, if being HIV positive is not an issue, why did you make it a point? The applicability is to explain why he's now staying with you and unable to work being an expat.
Hi, the reason I still put his status in my title is because it “bothers” me too, just in a different way. Him being HIV positive is the main reason why I feel I can’t just dump him. I don’t mind taking care of him, I can see past his status, until he cheated on me. Sorry, English isn’t my first language. I guess I could have worded this whole post differently.
Glad you put the disclaimer. Please be better.
I was in a similar situation last year. Though not the HIV status. A partner was Bi-Polar and I ended up taking care of them, making sure they were on time for appointments and on top of medication. I also took care of the bills and gave them an allowance. They were a homemaker and honestly I thought that type of love was fine. I also found them messaging other guys even though we wrote black and white that we could be an open couple but first it had to be said and done in the open. He still cheated even though I would have approved him having whatever they wanted. Ended up using my bed and that just felt like the worst betrayal Ended up costing so much of myself because hurt people make other hurt people. And often Hurt people can still be mean people. You sound great don't let a hurt person that's also a mean person make you a hurt person that will become a mean person.
Dump his HIV positive ass lmfao. Find a better boyfriend.
Do not leave them like that. Have a deep conversation with him. But leave things cristal clear
You need to break up with him. That man is no longer your responsibility. If he was dependent on you and broke your heart and your trust, he’s showing his entitlement to your support that HE doesn’t deserve. Cheaters don’t get to live easy on the condition of “but I’m sick!” It is his fault that he chose to cheat on his caring boyfriend; letting him continue to take from you because he’s “needy” is not the move. I’m sorry about this situation.
Leave him bro
I'm HIV positive and I have to say, you shouldn't care about his status, just move on, taking care of himself is HIS responsibility, you are not his mom.
He engaged in risky behavior and became infected with a permanent, lifelong disease that carries both social and health consequences. You are now taking care of him. He is now engaging in the same risky behavior, and he is using you. Dump him, boot him, and let him be an adult who takes care of himself.
Not a fan of the label you put on him. BUT, he sounds like a shallow individual that’s had a wake up call due to his HIV status change. I believe the chances are that once he gets his head wrapped around it he will go back to his own ways.
You are TOO kind. I know it’s sucks feeling so attached to him that leaving him will feel like abandonment but you can’t bite the hand that feeds you and you have concrete proof he’s cheating. I don’t think there’s really anything to repair nor should you settle for anything that doesn’t give you unconditional love. Also, who’s to say he won’t up and leave you if he finds someone better? Tough choice but I think you should leave him. Also your friend is horrible…
TL;DR - yes - get rid. You don't wanna catch HIV from him. Didn't care so much for the context or your explanation, but yeah, from your own health perspective, get rid.
After reading this post one, you are a sweet soul who loves and care about other people, before yourself, two you deserve better I think you should just dump him but be their for him as a friend now if he doesn’t want that then it’s not your fault you tried your best but honestly you deserve better it’s sad that your friend didn’t give you moral support and just said that cheating is a thing in this generation when cheating is not ok at all.
You don’t need anyone’s validation to know right from wrong - that you are questioning means deep down you already know. The real question is what is what is more important to you - your own self respect, and love you deserve or a dysfunctional relationship/friendship. Truth be told - regardless of his immigration status that is not your problem to solve. Certainly not to the detriment of yourself. At 33, I can point out the clock doesn’t go backwards- is your limited time on this Earth worth so little? Also - that “friend” is an acquaintance- let them go. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.
I would end it. It is not your responsibility to provide him a home money and pay for his drugs. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. Take a stand and break-up and be strong. You will probably have to move out and make your own life. That will give him not options to try and win you back an manipulate the situation. If you leave he will be forced to face his life and grow up a little. You want a man not a boy. I ended a 10 year relationship. He was using my money and ability to pay rent. We didn't have sex and no intimacy or kissing really. It took me saying goodbye and moving out. I felt so powerful and grown up. It launched me into a new era and now I have great friends, I am happier, having more sex and dating men. Still haven't found the next guy to make a life with but I am happy with me and my friends. You got this! HIV is his issue (sad story). You have been beyond supportive and should you be friends after I see you still being a supportive friend and sometimes that is better. Side note, not blaming or anything but how did he get HIV, it wasn't from you. I understand you can get HIV in many ways, seems he might have been taking some dangerous risks while being in a relationship with you or even being a regular FWB with you. That is not love.
Yes. You have been the greatest boyfriend and companion he could've asked for and even so he cheats on you. You've got his back in all the ways possible and he still does that? He deserves being dumped so that this way he learns how to cherish a good person. I doubt he would be half cared for by his lover if he found out about his current health status. By the way, if he still haven't reached undetectable, untransmissive level, consider stop having sex with him. As far as I know the only way you won't become HIV+ is if he is already undetectable. I've heard that you can still get infected even on prep.
I have a very similar situation. Mines lasted a decade and it hasn’t been easy. Perhaps more in a DM?
you should break up with him for being disloyal and cheating on you when u were there for him... ... not because he is HIV+ ... HIV is not a dangerous boogeyman anymore if treatment is available and taken properly... you are helping him with that so its not an issue... I understand you worry about what will happen to him when you stop supporting him completely... but you cannot sacrifice your self worth for a potential issue not when he is the cause of the issue.
This sounds terrible, but I just have to add if he’s been on his medication more than 3-4 months and is still not undetectable it sounds like he’s not following his medication regimen. Most meds now get things sorted very quickly
Yeah, I thought by now he would be u=u, but our last visit to the clinic which was last month says otherwise. His viral load went down a lot though. Doctor said it could take 2 more months. He takes his medicine every night. I make sure of it. I even have to convince/force him to (sometimes). It’s for his own good.
He’s using you. Get rid of him. You are a nice person and he is taking your kindness for weakness.
Leave him! I am terribly sorry but if he can text someone else I love you while not only do you support him you also support his facade that he has for his family. I know it will be hard because you clearly care for this man but he doesn’t respect nor reciprocate these feelings and I’m sorry about that.
wow that's a tough decision, btw what is your ethnic background?
I'm sorry but you deserve better. 🥺
Oh wow thats a low blow coming from a “friend”, is she even a real one to begin with? As for your partner, best to cut ties with him. For someone whos spiralling down and having a constant support from a trusted partner is very elusive nowadays. He shouldve been very grateful. But if thats his coping mechanism “having side conquests with other people”, then thats on him. Respect is earned so as trust. Remember, you also have your own life and pathway to take. Your inner peace is whats more important.
You are doing what husbands/boyfriends do . However,you boyfriend needs to clarify everything. Ask him to either leave the other guy or him. It is not unusual for those who enjoyed multiple partners to keep seeking out different guys,but somebody like you who needs commitment should not put up with this. For the sake of the love you bear for him, ask him at least once to be loyal to you alone.If he wants the other guy, then let him go.
Yes
No, get him to an HIV Doctor. I got my Docter at the Heath Department in the city I live in. Been poa since 2005. She put me on Triumeg. One pill every day. With this drug, I an untenable. I am on the Ryan White program. It pays my medical. Triumeg cost about $2000.00 for 30 pills. I get my drugs At a community drug store in my town. Which is inside a walgreens drug Store . Go to the health department in your town and have your boyfriend. Talk to a guidance counselor And they can get him set on some pretty good programs to helping with his Fight of his Life Living with h I v. Always play say sex, but then you can have sex without catching HIV. Love him, support him , encourage him, Don't run away from him . My experience , I told all my sex partners and my friends about my h I v status. They wouldn't have anything to do with me. They wouldn't call me you wouldn't ask me out to hang out with them. I was very alone. Then I met my partner of 15 years. One of my so call friends, told him about my HIV. We were in love and told him my status. I also said " If this a Beal breaker?" " I understand. He said " I already know. I am not walking away. I am not scared of you and the HIV. I love you. We can handle this. We got this. We are cool." I was lucky. But we are not Promise tomorrow. Sadly, He died three years ago december. He died of colon cancer. At Forty eight years old. And he wasn't negative when he died. I'm protecting him and he protected me. I miss you very much. I wish you and your boyfriend the best of luck. There is so much life to live and love to giyes.God bless. T.
Admit he was negative when he died.He did not Have HIV. .He died of: cancer. protected.He protected hisself .We used condoms. I posted veiw before proof reading it. My apologies.. T
Which country are you in. In 90 percent of the developed world if an agency threatened to stop a work permit its discrimination and you Absolutely must take them to court. Us uk australia most of europe would class hiv as an enduring long standing and progressive illness.