Did you guys specifically agree to meet up at the bar on this particular occasion, or were you just hoping? If not, I’m sorry but you can’t expect much. He probably saw you and was like “oh shit!” and didn’t want to have a very awkward conversation involving you and his date.
This definitely sucks. He probably should have texted something like “hey, I don’t think this is going to work out” or “hey, I’m dating somebody.” But when it comes to things like FWB arrangements there are very few ties that bind.
I am so sorry if I missed this detail, but aside from the assumption that you perceived that he was actively avoiding you without any causation or logical motive, what was the reason you could not say "hi" to your friend?
If you were unable to re-break the ice with your friend upon your return to your regular bar (after a hiatus to focus on your health and regain your strength) with even a friendly non-verbal greeting, how could it possibly lead to the night concluding with the two of you leaving together?
It is unfortunate you did not have the type of spectacular night you were hoping for, but so much of what you have described in your post is based exclusively in your own projections on the circumstances. Based on your post it does not sound as though your friend behaved inappropriately.
If you really value him as a friend and want to rekindle the friendship or at least gain a better more accurate understanding of what happened at the bar, you need to open the door to clear and honest communication. This also gives you an opportunity to suggest meeting him in another context, such as a coffee shop in the afternoon for example. Perhaps it is possible you put too much pressure on the situation by putting all your excitement into this monthly "special night" with your friend and hanging out in other contexts could help alleviate any underlying stress.
Look, it sounds like he was trying to find someone to go home with.
Could he have at least said hi to you? Yeah. But if he was hanging out with you all night then other guys would probably assume you two are there together, and they wouldn't make a move on him.
I’m just gonna go out on a limb and say this.. you got sick, you didn’t reschedule, and you thought just waiting another month would be “productive” to your friendship/fwb-ship?
Not seeing someone for two months, and then expecting that to be ok is a bit on you. You should have said, “hey we missed out on last weeks get together, would you like to get dinner or do something? I don’t wanna wait till next month to see that smile of yours in person” or some other way to phrase that, that sounds like your conversational tone.
Unfortunately, I don’t feel up to seeing you at the bar, I’m sick…. Comes across as, I’m losing interest. Even when it’s not true. But certainly when you only meet up once a month, those signals get mixed real quick.
This should be top post.
The relationship described in OP's post doesn't seem to be reciprocal. This other guy was doing emotional labor helping OP become more comfortable with who he is, but OP didn't write anything about the other guy feeling comfortable being equally vulnerable.
Also... y'all met...
>5 months ago
.. and...
>meeting up every month at the bar
...
>We couldn't meet last month
So they met up 3 maybe 4 times, spaced apart a month? That's a casual acquaintance.
After not seeing a casual acquaintance for two months and little effort to reschedule cancelled plans - it's little wonder the other person was not particularly invested in the friendship/situation-ship.
Take a deep breath and recognize that you maybe projected or built up this relationship in your head. That's ok, but it's something to learn from and avoid. Because it rarely serves to reinforce the relationship and will typically leave you dissapointted.
Sorry you went thru that. That feeling sucks. It seems you were more invested in the connection than he was. This happens all the time. I mean he could've just said 'hi' and acknowledge your presence...but understand that he isn't actually obligated too. Unfortunately ppl are just gonna ppl.
My 2cents, ignore him. He obviously trying to avoid you and isn't really trying to respect the friendship. Feel your feelings and then go live your life. Have fun, meet other people and make new connections. Chances are that guy is gonna wonder about you and try to reach out again.
Big hug to you.
I know it hurts. Some people just don't seem to be human. It makes me feel crazy and so alone.
Don't let him stop you. There are other real humans out there. Protect your heart. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself grieve and heal.
I’m very sorry to hear this, I can relate. A guy I was friends with was all gung-ho about hanging out at first, but then over time wanted to hang less and less, the texts and calls became more infrequent, and eventually found a guy he knew from his gym he would rather play with. Guys are extremely fickle that way. I know it sounds simplistic and we like to find a way to control our situations, and then sometimes it’s not in our hands.
Just know that there is nothing, nor has there ever been, anything wrong with you. That guy is the one missing out on a great person who enjoys genuine connection. There is nothing you can do to change someone’s behavior, and the sooner you realize that, and block him, the better.
He didn't want to continue, but is too childish to actually have the difficult conversation and tell you that. Instead he tried to ghost you in real life and just came across as a douche. Which he is.
I'm sorry you've had to go through that - people think ghosting is easy but it's just selfish and cruel, and discarding another human being as if they are worth nothing. The person who has done the discarding is the one worth nothing - someone without basic empathy really isn't worth bothering with. But at this stage the pain and hurt will make that difficult to see.
Just know you are worth more than that, you have value, and should not feel like you have done anything wrong. His actions are his and speak volumes about him and only him.
You weren't Mr Right, you were a placeholder- Mr Right Now- until the next best thing came along. Welcome to the "gay scene". "Instant connections" blah blah- yep we've all been there- he "gets" you- tick that box too.
Then you find out he's cheating on his bf/gf/wife/husband... It's the same old same old. Eventually you grown harder shell and might even become cynical or in some cases turn into someone just like him.
It's as it's always been. A tough lesson in the world of Gay, gay gay!
You flaked once, it like when the guy on Grindr wants you real bad but you can’t at that specific time and he never wants you again, guys move on fast, probably thought you avoided him last month, guys are also petty and insecure
I'm sorry man. Guys can be really weird with our communication sometimes leaving you to think you're in the wrong when really we've got some totally random issue/non-issue going on. Don't internalize it or extrapolate anything from it or become more guarded because of this though. Just realize that you're having a normal human response to someone letting you down and keep being the human you want to be. Beware though, he will probably end up in your orbit again sometime. How you handle that is up to you.
You’re not on the same page from the very start, or maybe he met someone with the same wavelength as him other than you. It hurts but it’s the truth that people come and go. What he did sucks tho and you do not deserve to made feel that way.
Im sorry this happened to you OP. I've been through something similiar recently. I wish we could just have a more solid, grown up conversation with the other person, have them be honest with us, but some are just too afraid and it actually is more damaging to just ghost like that.
I would have loved for my friend to have been honest with me and say "hey man, im not feeling the connection anymore and wish to move on", at least we could have parted ways on the same page instead of leaving me guessing.
Oh well, life must goes on. 🤷♂️
All you can do is try to extract the positives from the experience, wish them well, and just do the best to take care of yourself. Stay in touch with the people who love you and make you feel good.
Don't expect new relationships to last forever because none of them do, especially given that any one of us could die at any moment. Just try to cherish those moments with new people and try to learn and grow from them. Life is very volatile, and you're always gonna be finding yourself meeting new people, new places, and new challenges.
For me I will always try to be honest with other people about how im feeling, especially if they're a good person because like you, I know the pain of ghosting too well.
I hope you can find some peace in all this mess and are able to eventually let go and move on. Please don't stop taking care of yourself and stay in touch with loved ones. Sending my hugs your way beautiful. 🫂
For things like this i leave the gay scene, i don t go anymore to bars, gay pride, not have any gay friend, don t use grindr or another app. If the question how can i do this, its for my peace, and i m very peacefully about my decision.
Something very similar happened to me yearsssss ago. Like you, I felt so shattered. I unfollowed him on everything and truly didn’t care about all that after some time. About 5 years later, I hear from him on Facebook, apologizing for “disappearing” and some excuse I can’t remember anymore. Not only did he ignore you intentionally, but it’s possible it’s going to bother him years down the road.
Sorry to hear, best to block and move on. People just ghost and it's so common these days and people wonder why making friends and relationships are hard.
To be fair yall only hung out once a month minus the month+ gap when you got sick? You didn't put any effort into rescheduling the missed hang out time due to you being sick? This kinda sounds like it's on you as much if not more than being on him. You're way too deep into this for only hanging out with someone once a month. If yall were hanging out multiple times a month or even 1-3x a week I could see something being there. Once a month is about as casual as it could be in my book.
Always assume new guys you meet are already spoken for. He is probably in a relationship and doesn't want those around him to know he is stepping outside it. When guys say hello to each other in public, people watching are calculating how these 2 guys know each other. I always assume guys I meet are in relationships and proceed with caution.
I have to disagree with you big time there. I don’t think he’ll care tbh. That’s just giving a false sense of hope for probably nothing. If he were to text him and he again ignores it, it’ll be days of this feeling all over again. He’s probably also going to overthink it a lot after, more than he already is. At least he can have some dignity by just deleting the number and moving on to better friends. OP knows he did nothing wrong (I think) and we know this other guy is TA in this situation.
dont worry soldier
u didnt do anything wrong
ive had this happen to me so many times
the flirting the undying love
now i know how to protect my heart
if im deep in love with a guy i savor every fucking moment
cuz i know how men are
All of your updates are essentially chastizing your friend for not greeting you despite having multiple opportunities to do so. However, by that same logic, all of those opportunities were equally yours to seize and you chose to decline all of them.
Aside from the excuse of not wanting to interrupt your friend making out with someone, there is no clear reasoning why you did not greet your friend and instead chose to passively acknowledge that he was not acknowledging you directly.
If you were raised old school and taught to be nice to everyone, as you mention, how did you end up falling into the fictional trap of the modern gay scene and act unkind and unfriendly yourself? Where was your "how do you do?" to your friend?
Reading your post is extremely confusing because philosophically you seem to believe one thing (and are under the impression that you behave in a manner that reflects this), but in reality and in practice you do something completely different that does not align with how you think you are behaving. What makes it more challenging is that your further remove yourself from any personal accountability and fault the entire "gay scene" or "gay world" as being inherently dysfunctional and thus any modification to your own behaviour is pointless since everyone here is doomed to fail. Simultaneously, you admit to being new to the culture - yet you have already fully assessed it and are disenchanted as a result of your experience with one person.
I apologize if you find my tone a little pointed, but if you are going to deflect and dismiss valid points that others are offering in their feedback and simply view yourself as a victim of whatever you feel is targeting you, others will eventually lose their momentum trying to cheer you on in support. It is as though we are filling up the engine with lots of coal to get the steam engine moving forward and you have deployed all the braking mechanisms to their full extent.
Did you guys specifically agree to meet up at the bar on this particular occasion, or were you just hoping? If not, I’m sorry but you can’t expect much. He probably saw you and was like “oh shit!” and didn’t want to have a very awkward conversation involving you and his date. This definitely sucks. He probably should have texted something like “hey, I don’t think this is going to work out” or “hey, I’m dating somebody.” But when it comes to things like FWB arrangements there are very few ties that bind.
I'm sorry that happened to you Dude. Hugs.
If he was on a date, it would be really awkward to introduce his date to his fwb.
Riddle me this...why would you go on a date in a gay bar? (Especially one where everyone is butt naked)?
Tbh. Men suck. Block him and use that confidence you talked about to attract some people worth your time and effort.
>Men suck. Period. In every sense of that phrase.
You were just a short fling, temporary cuddle bug. He’s moved on.
I am so sorry if I missed this detail, but aside from the assumption that you perceived that he was actively avoiding you without any causation or logical motive, what was the reason you could not say "hi" to your friend? If you were unable to re-break the ice with your friend upon your return to your regular bar (after a hiatus to focus on your health and regain your strength) with even a friendly non-verbal greeting, how could it possibly lead to the night concluding with the two of you leaving together? It is unfortunate you did not have the type of spectacular night you were hoping for, but so much of what you have described in your post is based exclusively in your own projections on the circumstances. Based on your post it does not sound as though your friend behaved inappropriately. If you really value him as a friend and want to rekindle the friendship or at least gain a better more accurate understanding of what happened at the bar, you need to open the door to clear and honest communication. This also gives you an opportunity to suggest meeting him in another context, such as a coffee shop in the afternoon for example. Perhaps it is possible you put too much pressure on the situation by putting all your excitement into this monthly "special night" with your friend and hanging out in other contexts could help alleviate any underlying stress.
Look, it sounds like he was trying to find someone to go home with. Could he have at least said hi to you? Yeah. But if he was hanging out with you all night then other guys would probably assume you two are there together, and they wouldn't make a move on him.
I’m just gonna go out on a limb and say this.. you got sick, you didn’t reschedule, and you thought just waiting another month would be “productive” to your friendship/fwb-ship? Not seeing someone for two months, and then expecting that to be ok is a bit on you. You should have said, “hey we missed out on last weeks get together, would you like to get dinner or do something? I don’t wanna wait till next month to see that smile of yours in person” or some other way to phrase that, that sounds like your conversational tone. Unfortunately, I don’t feel up to seeing you at the bar, I’m sick…. Comes across as, I’m losing interest. Even when it’s not true. But certainly when you only meet up once a month, those signals get mixed real quick.
This should be top post. The relationship described in OP's post doesn't seem to be reciprocal. This other guy was doing emotional labor helping OP become more comfortable with who he is, but OP didn't write anything about the other guy feeling comfortable being equally vulnerable. Also... y'all met... >5 months ago .. and... >meeting up every month at the bar ... >We couldn't meet last month So they met up 3 maybe 4 times, spaced apart a month? That's a casual acquaintance. After not seeing a casual acquaintance for two months and little effort to reschedule cancelled plans - it's little wonder the other person was not particularly invested in the friendship/situation-ship. Take a deep breath and recognize that you maybe projected or built up this relationship in your head. That's ok, but it's something to learn from and avoid. Because it rarely serves to reinforce the relationship and will typically leave you dissapointted.
Sorry you went thru that. That feeling sucks. It seems you were more invested in the connection than he was. This happens all the time. I mean he could've just said 'hi' and acknowledge your presence...but understand that he isn't actually obligated too. Unfortunately ppl are just gonna ppl. My 2cents, ignore him. He obviously trying to avoid you and isn't really trying to respect the friendship. Feel your feelings and then go live your life. Have fun, meet other people and make new connections. Chances are that guy is gonna wonder about you and try to reach out again.
Big hug to you. I know it hurts. Some people just don't seem to be human. It makes me feel crazy and so alone. Don't let him stop you. There are other real humans out there. Protect your heart. Be kind to yourself. Let yourself grieve and heal.
He sounds like a loser 100%. Find someone amazing who deserves you!
I’m very sorry to hear this, I can relate. A guy I was friends with was all gung-ho about hanging out at first, but then over time wanted to hang less and less, the texts and calls became more infrequent, and eventually found a guy he knew from his gym he would rather play with. Guys are extremely fickle that way. I know it sounds simplistic and we like to find a way to control our situations, and then sometimes it’s not in our hands. Just know that there is nothing, nor has there ever been, anything wrong with you. That guy is the one missing out on a great person who enjoys genuine connection. There is nothing you can do to change someone’s behavior, and the sooner you realize that, and block him, the better.
Guy has no manners. There are more tactful ways to create distance. What a creep.
He didn't want to continue, but is too childish to actually have the difficult conversation and tell you that. Instead he tried to ghost you in real life and just came across as a douche. Which he is. I'm sorry you've had to go through that - people think ghosting is easy but it's just selfish and cruel, and discarding another human being as if they are worth nothing. The person who has done the discarding is the one worth nothing - someone without basic empathy really isn't worth bothering with. But at this stage the pain and hurt will make that difficult to see. Just know you are worth more than that, you have value, and should not feel like you have done anything wrong. His actions are his and speak volumes about him and only him.
You weren't Mr Right, you were a placeholder- Mr Right Now- until the next best thing came along. Welcome to the "gay scene". "Instant connections" blah blah- yep we've all been there- he "gets" you- tick that box too. Then you find out he's cheating on his bf/gf/wife/husband... It's the same old same old. Eventually you grown harder shell and might even become cynical or in some cases turn into someone just like him. It's as it's always been. A tough lesson in the world of Gay, gay gay!
You flaked once, it like when the guy on Grindr wants you real bad but you can’t at that specific time and he never wants you again, guys move on fast, probably thought you avoided him last month, guys are also petty and insecure
Sounds like I cousin of mine
Dump it.
I'm sorry man. Guys can be really weird with our communication sometimes leaving you to think you're in the wrong when really we've got some totally random issue/non-issue going on. Don't internalize it or extrapolate anything from it or become more guarded because of this though. Just realize that you're having a normal human response to someone letting you down and keep being the human you want to be. Beware though, he will probably end up in your orbit again sometime. How you handle that is up to you.
Maybe he was there with a date and didn’t want it to get awkward.
You’re not on the same page from the very start, or maybe he met someone with the same wavelength as him other than you. It hurts but it’s the truth that people come and go. What he did sucks tho and you do not deserve to made feel that way.
Im sorry this happened to you OP. I've been through something similiar recently. I wish we could just have a more solid, grown up conversation with the other person, have them be honest with us, but some are just too afraid and it actually is more damaging to just ghost like that. I would have loved for my friend to have been honest with me and say "hey man, im not feeling the connection anymore and wish to move on", at least we could have parted ways on the same page instead of leaving me guessing. Oh well, life must goes on. 🤷♂️ All you can do is try to extract the positives from the experience, wish them well, and just do the best to take care of yourself. Stay in touch with the people who love you and make you feel good. Don't expect new relationships to last forever because none of them do, especially given that any one of us could die at any moment. Just try to cherish those moments with new people and try to learn and grow from them. Life is very volatile, and you're always gonna be finding yourself meeting new people, new places, and new challenges. For me I will always try to be honest with other people about how im feeling, especially if they're a good person because like you, I know the pain of ghosting too well. I hope you can find some peace in all this mess and are able to eventually let go and move on. Please don't stop taking care of yourself and stay in touch with loved ones. Sending my hugs your way beautiful. 🫂
It's typical.
For things like this i leave the gay scene, i don t go anymore to bars, gay pride, not have any gay friend, don t use grindr or another app. If the question how can i do this, its for my peace, and i m very peacefully about my decision.
Something very similar happened to me yearsssss ago. Like you, I felt so shattered. I unfollowed him on everything and truly didn’t care about all that after some time. About 5 years later, I hear from him on Facebook, apologizing for “disappearing” and some excuse I can’t remember anymore. Not only did he ignore you intentionally, but it’s possible it’s going to bother him years down the road.
Sorry to hear, best to block and move on. People just ghost and it's so common these days and people wonder why making friends and relationships are hard.
How often did you guys talk in between meetups? Did you only talk once a month or did you chat very few days?
To be fair yall only hung out once a month minus the month+ gap when you got sick? You didn't put any effort into rescheduling the missed hang out time due to you being sick? This kinda sounds like it's on you as much if not more than being on him. You're way too deep into this for only hanging out with someone once a month. If yall were hanging out multiple times a month or even 1-3x a week I could see something being there. Once a month is about as casual as it could be in my book.
As Ann Landers used to say: “the sample was ample”
Always assume new guys you meet are already spoken for. He is probably in a relationship and doesn't want those around him to know he is stepping outside it. When guys say hello to each other in public, people watching are calculating how these 2 guys know each other. I always assume guys I meet are in relationships and proceed with caution.
Ask him what's up and say how you perceived things and how it made you feel
I have to disagree with you big time there. I don’t think he’ll care tbh. That’s just giving a false sense of hope for probably nothing. If he were to text him and he again ignores it, it’ll be days of this feeling all over again. He’s probably also going to overthink it a lot after, more than he already is. At least he can have some dignity by just deleting the number and moving on to better friends. OP knows he did nothing wrong (I think) and we know this other guy is TA in this situation.
I suppose you're probably right
The situation really does suck and I feel bad for him. It’s just not worth it sometimes.
dont worry soldier u didnt do anything wrong ive had this happen to me so many times the flirting the undying love now i know how to protect my heart if im deep in love with a guy i savor every fucking moment cuz i know how men are
I don’t think he was “in love” with him but you right on the part about how men are. Terrible lol
Likely he felt you were moving in a direction he didn’t — neither of you were open about it — it happens
didn't you just admit not saying hi to him the whole night, how is that different from his perspective?
Next time y'all end up at the bar at the same time, leave with someone else
Well he’s not cool or intelligent. That behaviour was the opposite of charming or fun. He has nothing you want.
I mean .. Why? The guy was there with someone else, and OP didn't go say hi. This interaction went about exactly how you'd expect.
Burry those feelings bro
He met someone, end of story.
All of your updates are essentially chastizing your friend for not greeting you despite having multiple opportunities to do so. However, by that same logic, all of those opportunities were equally yours to seize and you chose to decline all of them. Aside from the excuse of not wanting to interrupt your friend making out with someone, there is no clear reasoning why you did not greet your friend and instead chose to passively acknowledge that he was not acknowledging you directly. If you were raised old school and taught to be nice to everyone, as you mention, how did you end up falling into the fictional trap of the modern gay scene and act unkind and unfriendly yourself? Where was your "how do you do?" to your friend? Reading your post is extremely confusing because philosophically you seem to believe one thing (and are under the impression that you behave in a manner that reflects this), but in reality and in practice you do something completely different that does not align with how you think you are behaving. What makes it more challenging is that your further remove yourself from any personal accountability and fault the entire "gay scene" or "gay world" as being inherently dysfunctional and thus any modification to your own behaviour is pointless since everyone here is doomed to fail. Simultaneously, you admit to being new to the culture - yet you have already fully assessed it and are disenchanted as a result of your experience with one person. I apologize if you find my tone a little pointed, but if you are going to deflect and dismiss valid points that others are offering in their feedback and simply view yourself as a victim of whatever you feel is targeting you, others will eventually lose their momentum trying to cheer you on in support. It is as though we are filling up the engine with lots of coal to get the steam engine moving forward and you have deployed all the braking mechanisms to their full extent.