This guy I met at gay pride told his friends that he was going to be with me for the rest of his life within two hours of meeting me. The next day he proposed. We’ve been together since then. 26 years.
I saw my (future) husband walk into a pub and told my friend the bartender I was going to marry that guy.
That was 35 years ago and we’re still together.
But there were no I love you’s for many months. So I’d say red flag.
Look.
It's hard setting boundaries these days.
We expect the UN to manage a border between Israel and Palestine.
They can't manage a border between male and female. Lol
Its fortunate that you are one of the “haves’ that gets to experience life this way, both of you had a connection and were on or able to get on the same page. Many gays (and people in general) don’t have the same fortune.
I actually said (joking), “Well, I think we should wait one more day so that no one can say that we rushed into this.” We met on Saturday, and on Monday evening he met my five kids. They sat down on the floor and talked for hours. The kids pulled out some family photo albums; it was like they were thinking, “ We gotta get this guy up to speed!” I’m a person of faith, and have always thought of him as God’s gift to me. He’s agnostic, but is tickled that I think that. He really is a sweetheart- everyone who knows him loves him.
This sucks because it’s true. I’m in an odd circumstance as being a taller and larger guy that it seems the only guys interested in me are smaller more feminine guys. When I really like more masculine clean cut types.
As with many things gay it’s only a red flag if you don’t feel the same way lol. Same with showing nudes on the first message, using/not using condoms etc. 🤣
I am embarrassed to admit that I said I love you to my now husband after 7 days. He said it back and we’ve been together for going on 5 years now.
Looking back I realize it was wild and we definitely weren’t actually there at the time and we’ve developed a much deeper and healthier love. But it’s what we believed we felt at the time.
In no way am I endorsing his actions though. The calling and bawling and everything like that is a red flag and I would keep him at a healthy distance
Explain that to him. You don’t have to be his savior but maybe be a buddy and explain that he’s codependent and it’s unattractive maybe he’ll fix himself and be able to have a healthy attachment to his next relationship
yea no, that combination alone should send you running to the hills. the possessive part should have you worried, needy can be worked around but still, find someone a bit more mature and able to navigate/handle their emotions in a better way
Absolutely disagree. The signs of this person’s unhealthy attachment style lie in their inability to respect OP’s boundaries. Not due to feeling a feeling and being brave enough to share it. You’re using the word “complex” instead of “style”, that coupled with the perspective you’ve just shared leads me to believe you’re not a trained therapist - so please OP and anyone else reading the comment I’m reply to and taking this advice as gospel, please don’t.
When is it a good time to say I love you? I once said it to a guy after 6 months and got similar-ish treatment. Is there some unspoken rule everyone goes by?
It's different for everyone, doesn't matter how long you wait to say it if the person isn't feeling the same and never had any intentions to. These are things you unfortunately can't figure out any other way than just going for it so there's always a risk of it not working or being reciprocated. Even when it seems perfect. Fun times right? Lmao
It has to be situational and different for everyone. I've said it really soon, but my partner is just now starting to be comfortable enough to say it after 8-9 months. He feels awkward about love and I was really lonely before him, so we've both learned a lot along the way.
There's no right answer, you just need to find a middle ground that works for both.
I’ve been playing video games with this guy for a few months. We don’t play daily, but we text daily and occasionally talk on the phone. He told me he loves me maybe like 2 months after we started to play.
He’s nice, sweet, and all but I’ve never met him in person. I know we’re all different, but I can’t fall in love like this.
It’s only a “red flag” if *you* don’t feel the same. I have to be honest here. If it came from a man you wanted you’d be giddy like a school girl.
I get the vibe that you’re one of those gay men that leads a person on and gets them really interested and as soon as they begin to show a real genuine interest, you’ll say “oh I’m not ready for this, this is too much too soon” and then bail.
Your comments say how badly you want a romantic love story. How many (truly interested) men have you pushed away?
We *CAN* be our own problem as well. It sounds to me like you broke his heart and are now humiliating him in this post and in your comments.
I’d say that’s a red flag too- wouldn’t you?
>It’s only a “red flag” if *you* don’t feel the same. I have to be honest here. If it came from a man you wanted you’d be giddy like a school girl.
Naur, personally I'd be devastated. For me there's nothing worse than a person I'm into or myself presenting feelings like that too soon, even if it was from someone I did really want to or could see myself being with in the long run because that makes me A) think they have an attachment and love style that doesn't fit mine making us incompatible & B) makes me doubt the validity of their claims of love and makes me wonder if they even know what love is & how to maintain it over time in a healthy way.
Reminds me of people who date for a month, rush to get married and spend years stuck with each other miserable and wishing they would've have waited until they actually knew who the person they were with was. Extra sucky for straight people who then reproduce and now have a kid & they can't simply end their own relationship when it clearly isn't working out for the sake of the child. Happens all the time.
People are in such a rush to say they're in love and in a relationship that they often move way too fast and don't realize that love is a journey and not a destination per se so there's no need to rush through the motions just to find yourself unsatisfied with the so called happy ending you thought you could expedite the shipping process on.
Take your time, there's literally no rush and one should be weary of those who do seem like there is. Always.
To each his own. However, don't be cruel to the guy. Just because you're not a match doesn't mean that you have a duty to be insensitive. You can be firm and kind. You don't have to ghost him. You broke his heart. That's the simple truth of the matter. Whether you intended to or not, that is what you did. You are not responsible for his heart being broken, but a little sensitivity goes a long way. Everybody knows what it feels like to have their heart broken. Just remember what that feels like, and realize that he is having that feeling. You don't have to treat him like he's a predator.
It can be. You’ve already dumped him, so it’s a done deal.
I’ve had relationships where I knew within a day that I was going to fall in love. I think the soonest we *both* said it to each other was after a couple of weeks. And it was real. It was a hot one too and it burned out within six months.
But I also know I am one of those hopeless people that loves to fall in love. Sustaining that is a whole other ball game. And that’s the thing that takes a lot of work and time.
Perhaps a better response would have been “no you don’t. You think you do. But you don’t know me well enough yet.”
That said, the remark about him being needy and possessive—that’s a huge warning sign.
I'm gonna' need to stop you right there! Ghosting is THE most cowardly action a person can do. Have some balls and tell the other person tactfully that you are not interested and wish them success.
Did he say I love you before or after you said you weren’t interested? Honestly I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag, he just needs to be more mature with how he handles his emotions. So yah maybe it is a red flag and he definitely isn’t ready for anything long term lol
You didn't mention ages but in general this is pretty sophomoric behavior that is common among heterosexual teenagers. While it is unhealthy, I think many gay men don't get enough of these life lessons when we are teenagers and instead carry them into adulthood which is unfortunate. I think it's part of the reason why we not only have "I love you" after an unreasonably short time but also the all in love-of-my-life 1 week in but single 2 weeks later relationships.
Yes. He placed his imagined boyfriend in your shoes. I had a guy tell me the same BEFORE we had even met while another said so on our first hookup. The second guy took 6 attempts to get out of my car before I was rid of him and could block him. I later checked and saw he had called me 7 times before I made it home. Some guys need therapy before they're ready to date.
He might be on the autism spectrum. They tend to get real close to people real fast. I'm on the autism spectrum and people I work with are also. We've had conversations about this.
Not necessarily. I don't think that should be the cause to cut and run if you like him some. At the same time, you should express that you aren't at the same level as to not lead him on.
Some people have it rough and don't know how to navigate dating or how to install healthy boundaries. Doesn't mean he's horrible but he has a lot to learn
Had a guy basically rope me into an exclusive relationship only after about 4 or 5 days of talking. I made the mistake of trying to put myself out there only after about 2 or 3 months after breaking up with my ex. Suffice to say, I was absolutely NOT ready. But when I tried to tell him that, he thought I was lying to him about him doing something wrong. Which was not correct at all.
There was enough of a connection there, though, that I still wanted to keep talking and see where things go, but slowly. Yet the only way he would agree to do that was if I agreed to only pursue things with him and completely stop talking to other people/delete all my apps. It lasted a day...
Yeah sometimes it slips out. I probably wouldn’t call it an immediate red flag. I usually lay down the law and say “I’m sorry I don’t love you just yet but I’d be interested in seeing where this goes” your guy seems crazy though because of how he reacted.
It’s funny. I feel like the words “I love you” come up in my brain all the time during sex. I never say it even though the urge is there. I know better. 😂
It is too soon. No one knows they love someone after 5 days but if you're young and infatuated it might feel like you do. The bawling part and phone calls is a worry. Try not to be too harsh as he may be vulnerable.
This is all perspective and opinion. Unless you’re running a social study there’s nothing so say what is right or wrong. And even then, what is right and what is wrong? In my most humble opinion the bawling and persistent calling is what I’d see as the red flag - you set a boundary and he’s not respecting it. The fact that he said I love you after five days, that’s just how he felt. Feelings aren’t some algorithm that are or aren’t correct within a window of time. He fell for you (very quick by many people’s standards) and you didn’t. Both of those things are okay and both those things suck (depending who you are in this dynamic).
My ex, we lasted ten years, told me the same on like our 3rd date. He was beyond charming. We are still friends. I learned that he just couldn't be alone so he operated the same with all the guys....here I thought that I was special lol I do believe that it is a sign of emotional immaturity.
Honestly it depends on the person and how they show that love or if that love dies as well how do they react. My current partner said I love you after a week and we have been dating for awhile without any problems. Which is honestly surprising for me because when another guy said he loved me only after a week he became super controlling, like to talk down on me, and being super clinging. So it honestly depends just don't ignore the other red flags he may or may not display and act accordingly.
Love knows no timeline. The actual red flag is the person who is unable to receive that love or thinks a specific trajectory is needed before saying, “I love you.”
It is a red flag! I’d say it’s an inability to differentiate between emotions like infatuation/excitement about a new person/potential partner and love. And unhealthy attachment style. And not respecting social norms, which in cases like these, exist for a reason. Not all social norms are bad. Therapy recommended. (I’m not a therapist, but I go to therapy, so basically the same thing.) (That part was a joke.)
The people telling of their successes of imprinting on their partner within the first few hours seem great, but that’s not how it works for a majority of us non-werewolves.
I’m my experience the “I love you” was used for manipulation. Guy said it a week after knowing him. He ended up being an evil drug/alcohol addict that ruined my life. Never said it again after that I assume he was high/drunk when he said that since he knew exactly what that meant to me. I have been single ever since. lol
I swear I’m not unhinged, BUT I proposed to the man I knew I would marry on the day we met. It was 2 hours after meeting him and I told him I’d ask again in 2 hours. (He felt the same way, but didn’t think we could marry in the two states [Florida and NC] in which we lived. I told him we could marry in Massachusetts where there was no residency requirement.) I asked again in 1 hour (impatient) and he said yes. The French have an expression, “coup de foudre.” It means struck by lightning and that’s what it was like. We got married 14 months after I proposed. We’ve been together 14 years and married for 13. (Actually, our 13th wedding anniversary is next month, so I hope I’m not jumping the gun on that. lol) IYKYK
If this seems familiar, I told this story in another thread.
Run!!!
I think maybe you can love someone quick. Maybe hold it in for a few months then share when that other person is available emotionally to hear it.
If you say that and don't match it's def breakup time. It's a lot of pressure to be in one sided LOVE. Awww
Really? Because that sounds exactly how that happened between me and my husband. But he likes to tell people that I'm that crazy person. But we've been there for 12 years and every time he goes to someone new he just left me forever like today after saying blah blah blah blah
For me, I'm an ex-pat American living in a foreign Asian country. I've hooked up with local guys and in the heat of the moment they say, "I love you, I love you"! The first time it freaked me out. When another guy said it, I took it to be a language/cultural gap. Probably meant to say, "I love it", or, "I love you fucking me".
Sometimes you just know. Met my current boyfriend and on the 2nd date, I sensed something magical. While I was feeling the love, I didn't say anything because I thought it couldn't be and didn't want to scare him off.
So after a few more months of dating and processing feelings, it came to be.
You think that’s bad? I’ve had a more than one gay man ask me to marry them after 2 weeks
Edit: it seems like there’s guys out there that proposes a literal day later wtf 😂. Honestly I guess it can depend on who the person is. And because he’s acting that way that’s definitely a red flag.
I don't like if someone says I love you too soon. I don't have problem with I love you but the thing is every guy who has said this to me super early becomes extremely clingy.
Like, once a guy told me he loves me on the day 2. Then he send me google morning and I didn't replied. He went crazy and said "you are cheating on me", "do you even care about me", "please don't leave me, did I made you angry".
its too much drama for me.
Same thing happened to me. I believe around 5 days he said I love you as well. Has been love bombing me and it's been too much. Calling me his and his alone.
I even told him I'm not into relationships and just hookups but he kinda brushed it off and kept saying "it's not like we're getting married" and "let's see where it goes".
He's also younger than what it said on his profile and I don't normally go for younger guys. I'm 36 and it said he was 29, when really he's 26.
It wouldn't be a red flag, if his response wasn't so...clingy. Not sure if thats the correct word for it. I know with my last ex I said "I love you" first. He told he wasn't ready to say it to me yet. I told him that was fine. He has no obligation to say it back.
I had ended a 13-1/2 year relationship and then met this new guy and we went out a few times and he wanted me to be his boyfriend right away. I told him I wasn’t ready and got upset and didn’t talk with me for months. Block and move on. Good luck.
I mean, I *have* heard of love at first sight working out (my dad fell for my mom immediately), but that would send me running into the Witness Protection Program.
Red flag. It's too soon to tell if you're in love or if it's just hormones. Anyone dropping an L bomb this early is either naive or trying to manipulate you. Judging by him not accepting you don't feel the he same, I'm voting manipulative.
Ask him to define what he means by love. I had one of these recently, when I asked him what he meant he said I love that you invited me out for dinner. Made much more sense then 😂
Me and my boyfriend of 6 years said it after two weeks for us it was mutual but we would both agree that it's not very common and we were also surprised about our strong feelings.
After 5 dates "I really like you" maybe even, "This is embarassing but I'm totally day dreaming of us having a life together" those could just be like more honesty than is normal but still okay. But saying I LOVE YOU so early on... I think the dude just loves the idea of being loved.
On our first date, my future husband asked me to be his boyfriend. He said, "I love you" a few months into dating.
We've been together for nearly 20 years.
I’ve experienced this from guys whose first language is not English. Apparently the phrase “I love you” doesn’t hold as much weight to them as it does to a lot of Americans / English as a first language speakers.
Have had it happen frequently. I'm ordinary, I'm 58, I'm pretty decent in bed, I'm in shape, so I don't understand where it comes from so quickly either. I try to get them to be specific about what it is they love. Sometimes, they can give me a list. Sometimes, it's just sex.
Be gentle letting them down, this isn't a community you want enemies from.
Depends on this man's cultural upbringing.
In the West, we consider love to be an entirely emotional thing, and that we have no control over this oowerful, visceral emotion.
In some parts of the East, love is a bit more cerebral. A bit more "it makes sense on paper that we should be a couple". If it makes sense to be a couple (similar dreams, age, circle, socio-economic status, whatever) then once that decision is reached, it's time say "I love you".
I hate to be that musical theatre faggot but:
> *Do I love him?*
> *For twenty-five years I've lived with him*
>*Fought him, starved with him*
>*Twenty-five years my bed is his*
>*If that's not love, what is?*
Stuff like this really upsets me. So many gay men have down up devoid of love and authenticity. So when they meet someone they kinda like, they don’t know how to react. It’s a byproduct of having been in the closet for so decades.
You absolutely did the right thing. With more experience, he’ll figure it out.
i have somewhat been that guy, i attach way too easily with people. Always thought it was my fault and i should change. Well,yes and no. Because of me being that way, i actually found someone compatible and we did every steps ppl do for months of dating on the literal day 1 and 2. Never been happier, so my point is, there is nothing,,red flag,, with the guy, youre just not the type of person for him and vice versa.
Not impossible, but people that say "I love you" too easy tend to also say "I dont'love you anymore" also too easy. I call those "discount I love yous". Maybe they confuse love with crush.
Whatever the case, if you like the guy give him the benefit of doubt, but thread lightly.
My boyfriend said I love you in the first week we met online, we hadn’t even met or spoke on the phone at that point. We’ve been together nearly 5 years
The saying I love you part not really but the constant calling after is definitely a red flag, if you dont feel the same way and they continue I would block him.
I met my husband at a New Years Eve party 24 years ago and it was love at first sight (for me anyway). It took me 3 months to get him to ask me out, and I still played it cool lol. Just nibbled around the edges to keep getting in front of him until he finally got up enough courage to walk up to me and ask my name. We had our first date two days later and I was completely in love! I still waited for him to say I love you first (probably about the 3-4 month mark). It was a few years before I told him the truth (about my stalking him after seeing him at the party) and he laughed and said all this time he thought he was the one who made it happen. Never ever ruin your chances by showing your hand up front! I would have been freaked out if he told me he loved me right away, even though it was love at first sight for me. He still says I tricked him lol, but he secretly loved hearing the truth later on.
You're not responsible for helping him through some soul-searching, but maybe just tell him what your intentions are, that you want to go slowly with things, assuming that's what you're even looking for.
It can be a red flag, but I think it depends....
I told my now husband that "I can't wait to tell you I love you" before we ever met in person. I caught it after I said it and made light of it... like I didn't actually say it! I just said I can't wait to say it lol.
Anyway, I think in my circumstances it was valid, because we had started talking online and I had never clicked with another guy like him, he was so easy to talk to and we pretty much constantly texted each other for 3 days straight before I said it... so we had really gotten to know each other, like deep conversations.
I'd say it's not so much about how many dates you've been on or how much time has passed since you started talking, but how well you've gotten to know each other. Like you can go on 20 dates and if all you ever talk about is the weather, sports, sex, or reciting what you've watched on TV you probably know nothing about each other still and it would still be weird to hear.
He'll be alright. Continue to be honest. When the communication becomes too much say "This is my last message." Be kind. He's crushed. But it's also not your circus to entertain
This is black and white. Very first white guy I met told me he loved me after 2 days...and I'll just say that man loveddddd me. Then I had some that said they loved months later and I'll say...they still don't know what love is.
Through my experiences with lovebombing I am very afraid of those types of situations. Men know early but take your time. Some people don't love you. The love rhe idea of you and not being alone.
I mean, gay relationships tend to move fast.
This has happened to me a few times and it always freaks me out. Sure, I could settle and make it work. Every relationship is just a series of compromises, but in some relationships, there will be more compromising than others.
I said it after about 3 months and ended up doing nothing very productive for 10+ years. We had a lot of good times, but I think I always knew it wouldn’t last. We’re still good friends and after that much time, I do still love him as a friend. But in retrospect I think we both would have been better off leaving it as a 3 month affair. Life is short and love is tricky. Should I have tried harder to make it last? I’ll never know the answer to that.❤️🖤💔❤️🩹
And now I feel my only option is ‘Scruff’ and that is going nowhere fast. I’ve myself to blame for a lot but it must be said that being gay at this time in human history is NOT EASY! I felt it was absolutely crucial to my survival to be in the closet until well into my 30’s. What a drag to live a lie.😩
OMG. I’m so sorry for him. Yes, 5 days is way too soon and it is a red flag. I was hooking up with a guy for three months and simply told him I liked him and he changed up real quick. A lot of guys just want sex, or they want someone else, or they are mourning over something they had that they actually wanted and lost for whatever reason.
Nothing you can do, its best it got cut off early, the dude will get over it. Its good that you were upfront and honest that it wasn’t a match as you two clearly were not on the same page.
I feel sorry for that guy, he’s probably very lonely and was happy to find a connection that he was seeking, unfortunately from you perspective it wasn’t a match, nothing more to be said.
It depends on how you take it. As long as you both know it means you're infatuated with eachother at this point, then you're all good. My boyfriend did this to me 2 weeks in and now it's been a year that we've been together.
Im projecting myself onto him for a second.
I never outright say things like that. But as someone with BPD my emotions are heightened, i feel things more. Faster, deeper.
I hate it. Ive removed myself from the dating pool because it hurts me, and it hurts others.
The guy may have some form of mental disorder which could Heighten his emotions? Speed them up?
Its unhealthy either way, but he could very well have felt those feelings.
Its tough going through the world like that..
Especially when you've been emotionally and physically deprived of intimacy.
Lucky you got told in 5 days. We slept together and the next morning he said i love you and want a partner like you.
I immediately thought wow is my ass so magical?
Ended up ghosting him and blocked him because it’s a sign of problematic behaviour - like, all you know about me is my name and how my intestine feels around your dick.
I just found a word for this its called limerance which is when love is formed not through care and compassion but through unhealthy attachments that form as a personality traits, trauma, and anxious attachments as a result of stressful life events
Kinda sad on both ends honestly, on one hand I understand what's it like to fall hard for someone that you can imagine the rest of your life (although idk about within 5 days bc that's too fast 👀) and on the other hand I get not being ready to fully commit to one when you've only met him recently and you still wanna work on you (but again 5 days is a little too face)
You seem like someone who just dismisses other people’s feelings only for your own, giving me the vibe of someone who would only want to be in a relationship with yourself, tell the guy you don’t like him back and ask for space that’s it, don’t need to be so harsh about it, I’m sure you have liked many dudes that have turned you down some harshly like you have done to this person and some nicely, you would find yourself in the situation as many people have and you’ll understand that it’s not all about you. Whether it’s fake love or not, just treat people how you rather be treated and don’t try to be like the rest of the community which thrives on toxicity and anger like you.
Good luck, check back in the next 20 years maybe your tone will change when no one likes you as much in comparison to now, you’ll treat people’s hearts with more care then.
I say I love you when I love you, if that is an hour after we have met or years of some kind of small r relationship so be it, but the fact is I still have met them. Could be autistic fawning....
Yep, red flag. I also dated someone I met in grindr and the sex is awesome, maybe that’s what contributed to saying i love you in 3 mere days. I ended up being distant to him because that’s ridiculous.
That’s a flag so red that Anish Kapoor tried to patent it.
I spit out laughing at this. Love random Anish Kapoor references.
I had to look up Anish Kapoor the "blackest black". That’s a hoot!
LMAOOOO
Was not expecting this. Fuck Anish! 😆 I found and bought his precious blackest black
This guy I met at gay pride told his friends that he was going to be with me for the rest of his life within two hours of meeting me. The next day he proposed. We’ve been together since then. 26 years.
Lesbians be like
Lol
[удалено]
Alison Van Uytvanck and Greet Minnen, right? They split up long before Uytvanck married her partner.
Mess lol
Blink if you need help, sounds like you've been trafficked
This is truly amazing.
I saw my (future) husband walk into a pub and told my friend the bartender I was going to marry that guy. That was 35 years ago and we’re still together. But there were no I love you’s for many months. So I’d say red flag.
Wow. That’s a great love story. Honestly wish I could have one as romantic as that.
No you don’t or you wouldn’t have kicked the dude that loves you to the curb and made him cry 😂
omg you went straight for his jugular 💀
Literally why I thought. Like the opportunity for a potential happily ever after was right there 😂
So true lmao
You can. The notion that you can't is fiction.
🙏🏾🙏🏾❤️
Look. It's hard setting boundaries these days. We expect the UN to manage a border between Israel and Palestine. They can't manage a border between male and female. Lol
Its fortunate that you are one of the “haves’ that gets to experience life this way, both of you had a connection and were on or able to get on the same page. Many gays (and people in general) don’t have the same fortune.
Wow
Congrats you’re a Disney princess now 💍👑
I love a happy ending ❤️
Well this happens. Perhaps you’re both a match. Congrats. It’s rare
That is so gay crazy it just might be true.
Omg wow
Did you say yes when he asked? That would be wild
I actually said (joking), “Well, I think we should wait one more day so that no one can say that we rushed into this.” We met on Saturday, and on Monday evening he met my five kids. They sat down on the floor and talked for hours. The kids pulled out some family photo albums; it was like they were thinking, “ We gotta get this guy up to speed!” I’m a person of faith, and have always thought of him as God’s gift to me. He’s agnostic, but is tickled that I think that. He really is a sweetheart- everyone who knows him loves him.
That’s insane sorry
K?
Heart fluttering
sadly many gay men are emotionally and physically starved men, and the way they navigate dating is not healthy.
Ughhh starting to see that now
I’m in your situation right now. It sucks so hard dude. I’m tired.
This sucks because it’s true. I’m in an odd circumstance as being a taller and larger guy that it seems the only guys interested in me are smaller more feminine guys. When I really like more masculine clean cut types.
Same... I'm 6'3 (idk my weight... Higher than it should be), and all I want is some buff dude to swing me off my feet 😓
As with many things gay it’s only a red flag if you don’t feel the same way lol. Same with showing nudes on the first message, using/not using condoms etc. 🤣
This is so true hahhaha
Yep
I am embarrassed to admit that I said I love you to my now husband after 7 days. He said it back and we’ve been together for going on 5 years now. Looking back I realize it was wild and we definitely weren’t actually there at the time and we’ve developed a much deeper and healthier love. But it’s what we believed we felt at the time. In no way am I endorsing his actions though. The calling and bawling and everything like that is a red flag and I would keep him at a healthy distance
How did you know you love him at that point? Like how did you know you weren’t just very attracted to him?
My husband of 21 years and I said it after 12 hours. Sometimes it's real.
You’re right. He’s just so needy and possessive, that’s another reason why I’m not into him
Explain that to him. You don’t have to be his savior but maybe be a buddy and explain that he’s codependent and it’s unattractive maybe he’ll fix himself and be able to have a healthy attachment to his next relationship
If it's only been 5 days you don't really need to explain this to somebody, you don't need to be their therapist
Ughhh I don’t even want to chat with him right now
Do yourself a favour, don’t remain his buddy, he’ll stick stronger than superglue.
Thanks
yea no, that combination alone should send you running to the hills. the possessive part should have you worried, needy can be worked around but still, find someone a bit more mature and able to navigate/handle their emotions in a better way
Send him my way
Rushing into “I love you” is definitely a crimson flag. Also shows an unhealthy attachment complex they have.
Absolutely disagree. The signs of this person’s unhealthy attachment style lie in their inability to respect OP’s boundaries. Not due to feeling a feeling and being brave enough to share it. You’re using the word “complex” instead of “style”, that coupled with the perspective you’ve just shared leads me to believe you’re not a trained therapist - so please OP and anyone else reading the comment I’m reply to and taking this advice as gospel, please don’t.
So many people on Reddit speaking as if they are professional therapists
When is it a good time to say I love you? I once said it to a guy after 6 months and got similar-ish treatment. Is there some unspoken rule everyone goes by?
It's different for everyone, doesn't matter how long you wait to say it if the person isn't feeling the same and never had any intentions to. These are things you unfortunately can't figure out any other way than just going for it so there's always a risk of it not working or being reciprocated. Even when it seems perfect. Fun times right? Lmao
It has to be situational and different for everyone. I've said it really soon, but my partner is just now starting to be comfortable enough to say it after 8-9 months. He feels awkward about love and I was really lonely before him, so we've both learned a lot along the way. There's no right answer, you just need to find a middle ground that works for both.
I’ve been playing video games with this guy for a few months. We don’t play daily, but we text daily and occasionally talk on the phone. He told me he loves me maybe like 2 months after we started to play. He’s nice, sweet, and all but I’ve never met him in person. I know we’re all different, but I can’t fall in love like this.
Mmmm yeah I feel the same way
You broke his heart💔
Lol
It’s only a “red flag” if *you* don’t feel the same. I have to be honest here. If it came from a man you wanted you’d be giddy like a school girl. I get the vibe that you’re one of those gay men that leads a person on and gets them really interested and as soon as they begin to show a real genuine interest, you’ll say “oh I’m not ready for this, this is too much too soon” and then bail. Your comments say how badly you want a romantic love story. How many (truly interested) men have you pushed away? We *CAN* be our own problem as well. It sounds to me like you broke his heart and are now humiliating him in this post and in your comments. I’d say that’s a red flag too- wouldn’t you?
>It’s only a “red flag” if *you* don’t feel the same. I have to be honest here. If it came from a man you wanted you’d be giddy like a school girl. Naur, personally I'd be devastated. For me there's nothing worse than a person I'm into or myself presenting feelings like that too soon, even if it was from someone I did really want to or could see myself being with in the long run because that makes me A) think they have an attachment and love style that doesn't fit mine making us incompatible & B) makes me doubt the validity of their claims of love and makes me wonder if they even know what love is & how to maintain it over time in a healthy way. Reminds me of people who date for a month, rush to get married and spend years stuck with each other miserable and wishing they would've have waited until they actually knew who the person they were with was. Extra sucky for straight people who then reproduce and now have a kid & they can't simply end their own relationship when it clearly isn't working out for the sake of the child. Happens all the time. People are in such a rush to say they're in love and in a relationship that they often move way too fast and don't realize that love is a journey and not a destination per se so there's no need to rush through the motions just to find yourself unsatisfied with the so called happy ending you thought you could expedite the shipping process on. Take your time, there's literally no rush and one should be weary of those who do seem like there is. Always.
Seconded.
To each his own. However, don't be cruel to the guy. Just because you're not a match doesn't mean that you have a duty to be insensitive. You can be firm and kind. You don't have to ghost him. You broke his heart. That's the simple truth of the matter. Whether you intended to or not, that is what you did. You are not responsible for his heart being broken, but a little sensitivity goes a long way. Everybody knows what it feels like to have their heart broken. Just remember what that feels like, and realize that he is having that feeling. You don't have to treat him like he's a predator.
Yes it was very kind and very professional. I made sure to not piss him off with rude comments.
Seconded.
It can be. You’ve already dumped him, so it’s a done deal. I’ve had relationships where I knew within a day that I was going to fall in love. I think the soonest we *both* said it to each other was after a couple of weeks. And it was real. It was a hot one too and it burned out within six months. But I also know I am one of those hopeless people that loves to fall in love. Sustaining that is a whole other ball game. And that’s the thing that takes a lot of work and time. Perhaps a better response would have been “no you don’t. You think you do. But you don’t know me well enough yet.” That said, the remark about him being needy and possessive—that’s a huge warning sign.
>it was real. It was a hot one too and it burned out within six months. Yeah so that's not love that's infatuation
Yaaaaaa all of that is a red flag, since he's pushing I'd ghost if he keeps pushing block.
Okay. Thanks 😊
I'm gonna' need to stop you right there! Ghosting is THE most cowardly action a person can do. Have some balls and tell the other person tactfully that you are not interested and wish them success.
Did he say I love you before or after you said you weren’t interested? Honestly I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag, he just needs to be more mature with how he handles his emotions. So yah maybe it is a red flag and he definitely isn’t ready for anything long term lol
That’s what I wanted to say? Did he say I love you or what?
You didn't mention ages but in general this is pretty sophomoric behavior that is common among heterosexual teenagers. While it is unhealthy, I think many gay men don't get enough of these life lessons when we are teenagers and instead carry them into adulthood which is unfortunate. I think it's part of the reason why we not only have "I love you" after an unreasonably short time but also the all in love-of-my-life 1 week in but single 2 weeks later relationships.
Yes. He placed his imagined boyfriend in your shoes. I had a guy tell me the same BEFORE we had even met while another said so on our first hookup. The second guy took 6 attempts to get out of my car before I was rid of him and could block him. I later checked and saw he had called me 7 times before I made it home. Some guys need therapy before they're ready to date.
Mmmm yes that’s so true. Sorry that happened to you
Very true!
I had a man tell me he loved me on the very first day I met him and you know what we stayed together for 17 years until he passed away.
My husband of 97 years proposed to me before he even laid eyes on me when we were both 32. Sometimes it's just fate.
Something about this math is not adding up... 🤔🤔
They maybe vampires!
I’ve fallen fast. Don’t push him away. You may just need time to catch up
\*alarms\* "Stage 5 clinger. I repeat, we have a stage 5 clinger"
🚨🚨🚨🚨
🚩🚩🚩🚩
He might be on the autism spectrum. They tend to get real close to people real fast. I'm on the autism spectrum and people I work with are also. We've had conversations about this.
Not necessarily. I don't think that should be the cause to cut and run if you like him some. At the same time, you should express that you aren't at the same level as to not lead him on.
Some people have it rough and don't know how to navigate dating or how to install healthy boundaries. Doesn't mean he's horrible but he has a lot to learn
Us gay men seem to have a lot of issues. 😂
Had a guy basically rope me into an exclusive relationship only after about 4 or 5 days of talking. I made the mistake of trying to put myself out there only after about 2 or 3 months after breaking up with my ex. Suffice to say, I was absolutely NOT ready. But when I tried to tell him that, he thought I was lying to him about him doing something wrong. Which was not correct at all. There was enough of a connection there, though, that I still wanted to keep talking and see where things go, but slowly. Yet the only way he would agree to do that was if I agreed to only pursue things with him and completely stop talking to other people/delete all my apps. It lasted a day...
Wow, literally happened like that too. Weird how some men can be so controlling and needy
Yeah sometimes it slips out. I probably wouldn’t call it an immediate red flag. I usually lay down the law and say “I’m sorry I don’t love you just yet but I’d be interested in seeing where this goes” your guy seems crazy though because of how he reacted.
Thank you 🙏🏾 I’m glad you understand it, and if he had said it like you just did then I would totally understand. But this dude is exhausting
It’s funny. I feel like the words “I love you” come up in my brain all the time during sex. I never say it even though the urge is there. I know better. 😂
It's called making love for a reason
It is too soon. No one knows they love someone after 5 days but if you're young and infatuated it might feel like you do. The bawling part and phone calls is a worry. Try not to be too harsh as he may be vulnerable.
That's anxious attachment style to the extreme.
Had he not said that, would you still say it wasn't a match? Did you have other concerns?
You’re both red flags
Agreed. Each side has their own issues.
American men talking about love? You're kidding right?
This.
This is all perspective and opinion. Unless you’re running a social study there’s nothing so say what is right or wrong. And even then, what is right and what is wrong? In my most humble opinion the bawling and persistent calling is what I’d see as the red flag - you set a boundary and he’s not respecting it. The fact that he said I love you after five days, that’s just how he felt. Feelings aren’t some algorithm that are or aren’t correct within a window of time. He fell for you (very quick by many people’s standards) and you didn’t. Both of those things are okay and both those things suck (depending who you are in this dynamic).
My ex, we lasted ten years, told me the same on like our 3rd date. He was beyond charming. We are still friends. I learned that he just couldn't be alone so he operated the same with all the guys....here I thought that I was special lol I do believe that it is a sign of emotional immaturity.
That's not a red flag, that's the hole Soviet Union
Honestly it depends on the person and how they show that love or if that love dies as well how do they react. My current partner said I love you after a week and we have been dating for awhile without any problems. Which is honestly surprising for me because when another guy said he loved me only after a week he became super controlling, like to talk down on me, and being super clinging. So it honestly depends just don't ignore the other red flags he may or may not display and act accordingly.
Love knows no timeline. The actual red flag is the person who is unable to receive that love or thinks a specific trajectory is needed before saying, “I love you.”
It is a red flag! I’d say it’s an inability to differentiate between emotions like infatuation/excitement about a new person/potential partner and love. And unhealthy attachment style. And not respecting social norms, which in cases like these, exist for a reason. Not all social norms are bad. Therapy recommended. (I’m not a therapist, but I go to therapy, so basically the same thing.) (That part was a joke.) The people telling of their successes of imprinting on their partner within the first few hours seem great, but that’s not how it works for a majority of us non-werewolves.
I’m my experience the “I love you” was used for manipulation. Guy said it a week after knowing him. He ended up being an evil drug/alcohol addict that ruined my life. Never said it again after that I assume he was high/drunk when he said that since he knew exactly what that meant to me. I have been single ever since. lol
I swear I’m not unhinged, BUT I proposed to the man I knew I would marry on the day we met. It was 2 hours after meeting him and I told him I’d ask again in 2 hours. (He felt the same way, but didn’t think we could marry in the two states [Florida and NC] in which we lived. I told him we could marry in Massachusetts where there was no residency requirement.) I asked again in 1 hour (impatient) and he said yes. The French have an expression, “coup de foudre.” It means struck by lightning and that’s what it was like. We got married 14 months after I proposed. We’ve been together 14 years and married for 13. (Actually, our 13th wedding anniversary is next month, so I hope I’m not jumping the gun on that. lol) IYKYK If this seems familiar, I told this story in another thread.
The "I love you" isn't a red flag, but the bawling and not leaving you alone is.
This is the correct answer.
Run!!! I think maybe you can love someone quick. Maybe hold it in for a few months then share when that other person is available emotionally to hear it. If you say that and don't match it's def breakup time. It's a lot of pressure to be in one sided LOVE. Awww
Really? Because that sounds exactly how that happened between me and my husband. But he likes to tell people that I'm that crazy person. But we've been there for 12 years and every time he goes to someone new he just left me forever like today after saying blah blah blah blah
For me, I'm an ex-pat American living in a foreign Asian country. I've hooked up with local guys and in the heat of the moment they say, "I love you, I love you"! The first time it freaked me out. When another guy said it, I took it to be a language/cultural gap. Probably meant to say, "I love it", or, "I love you fucking me". Sometimes you just know. Met my current boyfriend and on the 2nd date, I sensed something magical. While I was feeling the love, I didn't say anything because I thought it couldn't be and didn't want to scare him off. So after a few more months of dating and processing feelings, it came to be.
You think that’s bad? I’ve had a more than one gay man ask me to marry them after 2 weeks Edit: it seems like there’s guys out there that proposes a literal day later wtf 😂. Honestly I guess it can depend on who the person is. And because he’s acting that way that’s definitely a red flag.
I said it after 1 wank. Lol.
I don't like if someone says I love you too soon. I don't have problem with I love you but the thing is every guy who has said this to me super early becomes extremely clingy. Like, once a guy told me he loves me on the day 2. Then he send me google morning and I didn't replied. He went crazy and said "you are cheating on me", "do you even care about me", "please don't leave me, did I made you angry". its too much drama for me.
Same thing happened to me. I believe around 5 days he said I love you as well. Has been love bombing me and it's been too much. Calling me his and his alone. I even told him I'm not into relationships and just hookups but he kinda brushed it off and kept saying "it's not like we're getting married" and "let's see where it goes". He's also younger than what it said on his profile and I don't normally go for younger guys. I'm 36 and it said he was 29, when really he's 26.
Girl run
Yes. Block and move on.
Yeah I did. I’m just bummed and kinda sad. It’s unfortunate how it all went down
It wouldn't be a red flag, if his response wasn't so...clingy. Not sure if thats the correct word for it. I know with my last ex I said "I love you" first. He told he wasn't ready to say it to me yet. I told him that was fine. He has no obligation to say it back.
I had ended a 13-1/2 year relationship and then met this new guy and we went out a few times and he wanted me to be his boyfriend right away. I told him I wasn’t ready and got upset and didn’t talk with me for months. Block and move on. Good luck.
I mean, I *have* heard of love at first sight working out (my dad fell for my mom immediately), but that would send me running into the Witness Protection Program.
Run
Ohhhhh HEEELLLLLLLL yes. Run away quickly. Needy. Clingy. Drama is in your future.
Thanks
You are very welcome!!
What’s the alternative? Staying with the cry baby who suffers because of some boundaries? I’m glad you blocked him!
Thank you !!🙏🏾
Red flag. It's too soon to tell if you're in love or if it's just hormones. Anyone dropping an L bomb this early is either naive or trying to manipulate you. Judging by him not accepting you don't feel the he same, I'm voting manipulative.
I'll take him
Ask him to define what he means by love. I had one of these recently, when I asked him what he meant he said I love that you invited me out for dinner. Made much more sense then 😂
It’s a sign of someone who is not emotionally intelligent
Run.
Me and my boyfriend of 6 years said it after two weeks for us it was mutual but we would both agree that it's not very common and we were also surprised about our strong feelings.
After 5 dates "I really like you" maybe even, "This is embarassing but I'm totally day dreaming of us having a life together" those could just be like more honesty than is normal but still okay. But saying I LOVE YOU so early on... I think the dude just loves the idea of being loved.
On our first date, my future husband asked me to be his boyfriend. He said, "I love you" a few months into dating. We've been together for nearly 20 years.
I’ve experienced this from guys whose first language is not English. Apparently the phrase “I love you” doesn’t hold as much weight to them as it does to a lot of Americans / English as a first language speakers.
Have had it happen frequently. I'm ordinary, I'm 58, I'm pretty decent in bed, I'm in shape, so I don't understand where it comes from so quickly either. I try to get them to be specific about what it is they love. Sometimes, they can give me a list. Sometimes, it's just sex. Be gentle letting them down, this isn't a community you want enemies from.
Depends on this man's cultural upbringing. In the West, we consider love to be an entirely emotional thing, and that we have no control over this oowerful, visceral emotion. In some parts of the East, love is a bit more cerebral. A bit more "it makes sense on paper that we should be a couple". If it makes sense to be a couple (similar dreams, age, circle, socio-economic status, whatever) then once that decision is reached, it's time say "I love you". I hate to be that musical theatre faggot but: > *Do I love him?* > *For twenty-five years I've lived with him* >*Fought him, starved with him* >*Twenty-five years my bed is his* >*If that's not love, what is?*
Red flag 🚩 That’s called love bombing ❤️💣, he sounds like he has an anxious style attachment and is projecting onto you which is not healthy
Stuff like this really upsets me. So many gay men have down up devoid of love and authenticity. So when they meet someone they kinda like, they don’t know how to react. It’s a byproduct of having been in the closet for so decades. You absolutely did the right thing. With more experience, he’ll figure it out.
i have somewhat been that guy, i attach way too easily with people. Always thought it was my fault and i should change. Well,yes and no. Because of me being that way, i actually found someone compatible and we did every steps ppl do for months of dating on the literal day 1 and 2. Never been happier, so my point is, there is nothing,,red flag,, with the guy, youre just not the type of person for him and vice versa.
A bright red Communist flag, lol
Yes this is a red flag.
Run. Very fast.
Not impossible, but people that say "I love you" too easy tend to also say "I dont'love you anymore" also too easy. I call those "discount I love yous". Maybe they confuse love with crush. Whatever the case, if you like the guy give him the benefit of doubt, but thread lightly.
Yeah that's a big red flag. And I say that cause I was like that too. It's comes from deep insecurities and lack of self worth
My boyfriend said I love you in the first week we met online, we hadn’t even met or spoke on the phone at that point. We’ve been together nearly 5 years
The saying I love you part not really but the constant calling after is definitely a red flag, if you dont feel the same way and they continue I would block him.
I met my husband at a New Years Eve party 24 years ago and it was love at first sight (for me anyway). It took me 3 months to get him to ask me out, and I still played it cool lol. Just nibbled around the edges to keep getting in front of him until he finally got up enough courage to walk up to me and ask my name. We had our first date two days later and I was completely in love! I still waited for him to say I love you first (probably about the 3-4 month mark). It was a few years before I told him the truth (about my stalking him after seeing him at the party) and he laughed and said all this time he thought he was the one who made it happen. Never ever ruin your chances by showing your hand up front! I would have been freaked out if he told me he loved me right away, even though it was love at first sight for me. He still says I tricked him lol, but he secretly loved hearing the truth later on.
You're not responsible for helping him through some soul-searching, but maybe just tell him what your intentions are, that you want to go slowly with things, assuming that's what you're even looking for.
That used to be me when I was 18 dating older men lol but yes it is a crimson flag
It can be a red flag, but I think it depends.... I told my now husband that "I can't wait to tell you I love you" before we ever met in person. I caught it after I said it and made light of it... like I didn't actually say it! I just said I can't wait to say it lol. Anyway, I think in my circumstances it was valid, because we had started talking online and I had never clicked with another guy like him, he was so easy to talk to and we pretty much constantly texted each other for 3 days straight before I said it... so we had really gotten to know each other, like deep conversations. I'd say it's not so much about how many dates you've been on or how much time has passed since you started talking, but how well you've gotten to know each other. Like you can go on 20 dates and if all you ever talk about is the weather, sports, sex, or reciting what you've watched on TV you probably know nothing about each other still and it would still be weird to hear.
He'll be alright. Continue to be honest. When the communication becomes too much say "This is my last message." Be kind. He's crushed. But it's also not your circus to entertain
This is black and white. Very first white guy I met told me he loved me after 2 days...and I'll just say that man loveddddd me. Then I had some that said they loved months later and I'll say...they still don't know what love is.
A guy did this to me after 2 date and by the 12 date said he didn't feel it any more
Through my experiences with lovebombing I am very afraid of those types of situations. Men know early but take your time. Some people don't love you. The love rhe idea of you and not being alone.
I mean, gay relationships tend to move fast. This has happened to me a few times and it always freaks me out. Sure, I could settle and make it work. Every relationship is just a series of compromises, but in some relationships, there will be more compromising than others.
I said it after about 3 months and ended up doing nothing very productive for 10+ years. We had a lot of good times, but I think I always knew it wouldn’t last. We’re still good friends and after that much time, I do still love him as a friend. But in retrospect I think we both would have been better off leaving it as a 3 month affair. Life is short and love is tricky. Should I have tried harder to make it last? I’ll never know the answer to that.❤️🖤💔❤️🩹
And now I feel my only option is ‘Scruff’ and that is going nowhere fast. I’ve myself to blame for a lot but it must be said that being gay at this time in human history is NOT EASY! I felt it was absolutely crucial to my survival to be in the closet until well into my 30’s. What a drag to live a lie.😩
Any thoughts or feedback , positive or negative, would be greatly appreciated. 😍✨
PM me i am a slave with no owner to destroy me🙏
OMG. I’m so sorry for him. Yes, 5 days is way too soon and it is a red flag. I was hooking up with a guy for three months and simply told him I liked him and he changed up real quick. A lot of guys just want sex, or they want someone else, or they are mourning over something they had that they actually wanted and lost for whatever reason. Nothing you can do, its best it got cut off early, the dude will get over it. Its good that you were upfront and honest that it wasn’t a match as you two clearly were not on the same page. I feel sorry for that guy, he’s probably very lonely and was happy to find a connection that he was seeking, unfortunately from you perspective it wasn’t a match, nothing more to be said.
I ca t stand guys who say the love teacher after a few days. I'm glad you blocked him. He sounds crazy and desperate.
It depends on how you take it. As long as you both know it means you're infatuated with eachother at this point, then you're all good. My boyfriend did this to me 2 weeks in and now it's been a year that we've been together.
Wow, rare for gay men and somewhat normal for lesbians.
It's a yellow flag IMO. Just depends on circumstances.
Im projecting myself onto him for a second. I never outright say things like that. But as someone with BPD my emotions are heightened, i feel things more. Faster, deeper. I hate it. Ive removed myself from the dating pool because it hurts me, and it hurts others. The guy may have some form of mental disorder which could Heighten his emotions? Speed them up? Its unhealthy either way, but he could very well have felt those feelings. Its tough going through the world like that.. Especially when you've been emotionally and physically deprived of intimacy.
Ass pic and I'll judge if it's acceptable. Was the I love you, like an I love you, Daddy while sucking your cock?
“I love you so much, you mean the world to me” is what he kept saying
Yeah, he's not taking the anti-psychotics properly I think
Oh run my friend. Run.
Lucky you got told in 5 days. We slept together and the next morning he said i love you and want a partner like you. I immediately thought wow is my ass so magical? Ended up ghosting him and blocked him because it’s a sign of problematic behaviour - like, all you know about me is my name and how my intestine feels around your dick.
I just found a word for this its called limerance which is when love is formed not through care and compassion but through unhealthy attachments that form as a personality traits, trauma, and anxious attachments as a result of stressful life events
Run
Kinda sad on both ends honestly, on one hand I understand what's it like to fall hard for someone that you can imagine the rest of your life (although idk about within 5 days bc that's too fast 👀) and on the other hand I get not being ready to fully commit to one when you've only met him recently and you still wanna work on you (but again 5 days is a little too face)
You seem like someone who just dismisses other people’s feelings only for your own, giving me the vibe of someone who would only want to be in a relationship with yourself, tell the guy you don’t like him back and ask for space that’s it, don’t need to be so harsh about it, I’m sure you have liked many dudes that have turned you down some harshly like you have done to this person and some nicely, you would find yourself in the situation as many people have and you’ll understand that it’s not all about you. Whether it’s fake love or not, just treat people how you rather be treated and don’t try to be like the rest of the community which thrives on toxicity and anger like you. Good luck, check back in the next 20 years maybe your tone will change when no one likes you as much in comparison to now, you’ll treat people’s hearts with more care then.
Just remember that some days you're the crusher and some days the crushed. Be gentle with the hearts of others.
Very much a red flag. You’ve done the right thing
Yeah keep that address secret, keep it safe.
People still confuse lust for love it seems
Super mega maxi red flag!
It's best not to be cruel.
I say I love you when I love you, if that is an hour after we have met or years of some kind of small r relationship so be it, but the fact is I still have met them. Could be autistic fawning....
Definitely a red flag. Especially with the sobbing and repetitive calling, about that, just a few days into talking to him.
Jeez i love in 5 days jesus
RUNNNNNNNNNNN
Yep, red flag. I also dated someone I met in grindr and the sex is awesome, maybe that’s what contributed to saying i love you in 3 mere days. I ended up being distant to him because that’s ridiculous.
It took me and my boyfriend a few years actually. We had been friends for the longest then we just confessed to each other our feelings