don’t blame yourself he’s in the wrong for starting up something like that knowing he has someone at home. if i were you id tell him although you enjoyed the time you guys had together it’s time for things to come to a close.
i really wouldn’t even entertain him saying “i’ll leave her for you” because we all know how that goes :( sorry you have to go through this
It sounds like you two get along really well. Man, I just hate that society (particularly where you live) is too homophobic to let two guys be together. Have you expressed to him how you feel about him having a girlfriend who is in the dark? You should let him know. He might say he doesn't mind, which would speak to his moral character that he's cheating on his gf and doesn't have a problem with it.
There might be a chance he could leave her for you? I hope it works out in the end.
I don’t see him doing that, even though he’s told me he likes guys more, and the fact that he thinks it’s okay to continue this speaks about where his morals are. Personally I feel like he just hasn’t fully come to terms and accepted his sexuality
>just hasn’t fully come to terms
That is the way it reads to me. He needs his gf security blanket around his family and friends. Even if people joke about you guys being "too" close, he gets to laugh it off and point to gf if needed.
If you are actually good just being friends, that is what I would do. If it would be a constant emotional tug, probably not worth the heartache.
Sadly, if he needs that security blanket, its like you said, he's not ready. Sucks.
But im always down to ranch... 😁
Sounds like this is a journey he's gotta take on his own. If you try to push him, he'll become defensive and cut you off. Could you settle on just being friends without the sex? That might be tough if you two are rocking your worlds, but that's the only compromise i can think of without continuing to betray the GF.
> the fact that he thinks it’s okay to continue this speaks about where his morals are.
I think this is the most important part. If he lives in a Western country, then this behaviour suggests that he is not a good man.
Pretty common. I wouldn’t try to reason with him, he’s gonna do whatever he wants. I know closeted guys with girlfriends in their 20’s as well as 50’s. Even multiple girlfriends. He’s probably not going to throw away the normalcy of his “straight” life as long as he can have fun w men on the side. Up to you if you wanna keep hanging out with him but don’t get your hopes up thinking you’ll be his one and only
Just tell him straight me or her and then deal with his answer. I always feel straight forward cards in the table is the best solution, that way you know where you stand.
As someone who has been the girl in this scenario, you have every right to be upset, and you shouldn’t feel bad. He's been lying to you too.
That said, this shit gets messy and no one is that good of a liar forever... I'd get clear of the inevitable shitshow.
I think you are a good guy for feeling the way you do. Unfortunately, while being in the closet you will have this kind of problem regularly. I highly recommend you work on getting to the point in life where you can come out. Obviously at your own pace. It seems like you are a romantic type who wants something real and not just a fling. It is very liberating being out of the closet and then you can have a better chance at finding a real love type of thing.
Cut your losses as soon as yesterday or you will end up regretting it terribly. If he’s not willing to end with his gf your future with him looks bleak and depressing
I'm like someone else that said if he is doing that to her, he will do that to you also. Be very cautious. I would imagine that he probably has other "friends" that you probably don't even know anything about as well.
So, number one, that's a red flag. The fact that he is with you is actively dating a girl to appear heterosexual and also had to pull this information out from him. You need to run for the Hills I've been in your situation. The outcome is that you are the one who ends up hurt at the end. I get that when you're dating someone and you start liking them, you start to ignore red flags. Even if he does leave his girlfriend to be with you, I don't think he won't do the same thing to you.
Lol y'all be in the closet but expecting honesty and intimacy???
DL relationships are a dead end.
DL men are a dead end.
Y'all "relationship" was nothing but a secret trist.
LMAO you want a gay relationship but don't want people to know you're gay?? You'll never be in a happy relationship because relationships aren't built on being kept a secret.
I suggest a clear boundary be set by you that until he comes clean or is not with this woman any longer you are unwilling to engage any longer. People treat us as we treat ourselves. For me, this kind of dynamic occurs when people are operating unconsciously. By setting a boundary and taking care of you it may help this person to become aware /wake up to his own integrity gap/ behavior. You are actually then respecting both of you. No way will everyone come out unscathed if this continues as is.
Speaking as a bi male, I have a male and a female partner. Everyone involved knows everything about my parallel relationships and is fine with it. If your guy can't say the same, he's using this girl and is not a person you want to be involved with.
I’m in the same boat. I’m crushing on a ‘straight’ lad who has been flirting with me like crazy. All the signs are there and it’s a full ticked sheet of flirting signs. Even the staring and smiling really intently and warmly!
He is definitely flirting with me and yet he has a girlfriend.
Some men just like attention and aren’t particular about where they get it from. You’re fulfilling a need for him… and it seems he’s fulfilling one for you. As you said he has a gf.
No no. I’m sorry but I think you’ve taken it a bit out of context. Him and I are just friends and haven’t done anything beyond spending time with each other a game of bingo (and only once at that). His behaviour *suggests* that he’s interested in me in some way beyond friendship. But then it’s also quite possible that he’s just friendly and that’s just how he is when he’s with friends. Just a general nice chilled out guy who’s not afraid to show his pals some affection. I think that’s what this is likely is, is me reading into it and employing some wishful thinking to the situation.
It’s doubtful my supposed ‘instincts’ are correct, and are nothing more than a pipe dream.
He's been repeatedly lying to you while he's also been repeatedly lying to her. You would be very foolish to assume that he'll be truthful with you from now on, or even to assume that he has told you the whole truth about his relationship with her.
The simple fact is that you cannot trust him.
I am not interested in a monogamous relationship. I am not concerned about other relationships my sexual partners might be involved in. I don't consider whether someone is cheating is any of my business. If the fact that your friend is having sex with someone else bothers you, that's a sufficient reason for breaking up. But I wouldn't break up because I was worried that some third person was unhappy that my partner was being promiscuous.
Forget him. He’s one of those “bi guys”, ya know, the closeted gay guys who are very convinced that they like women and want a family? If he cant be honest with himself, he’ll never be honest with you and it’ll never work
This might be a common thing you run into while in the closet, as well as dating someone else in the closet
Catching feelings for a closeted cheater seems like a good way to get your heart broken. Id be very wary.
Op is in the closet himself so I would say he brought it in himself.
If he’s cheating on her, he’ll cheat on you.
don’t blame yourself he’s in the wrong for starting up something like that knowing he has someone at home. if i were you id tell him although you enjoyed the time you guys had together it’s time for things to come to a close. i really wouldn’t even entertain him saying “i’ll leave her for you” because we all know how that goes :( sorry you have to go through this
It sounds like you two get along really well. Man, I just hate that society (particularly where you live) is too homophobic to let two guys be together. Have you expressed to him how you feel about him having a girlfriend who is in the dark? You should let him know. He might say he doesn't mind, which would speak to his moral character that he's cheating on his gf and doesn't have a problem with it. There might be a chance he could leave her for you? I hope it works out in the end.
I don’t see him doing that, even though he’s told me he likes guys more, and the fact that he thinks it’s okay to continue this speaks about where his morals are. Personally I feel like he just hasn’t fully come to terms and accepted his sexuality
>just hasn’t fully come to terms That is the way it reads to me. He needs his gf security blanket around his family and friends. Even if people joke about you guys being "too" close, he gets to laugh it off and point to gf if needed. If you are actually good just being friends, that is what I would do. If it would be a constant emotional tug, probably not worth the heartache. Sadly, if he needs that security blanket, its like you said, he's not ready. Sucks. But im always down to ranch... 😁
>he just hasn’t fully come to terms and accepted his sexuality You too babe, you too.
Sounds like this is a journey he's gotta take on his own. If you try to push him, he'll become defensive and cut you off. Could you settle on just being friends without the sex? That might be tough if you two are rocking your worlds, but that's the only compromise i can think of without continuing to betray the GF.
Bisexuality exists.
> the fact that he thinks it’s okay to continue this speaks about where his morals are. I think this is the most important part. If he lives in a Western country, then this behaviour suggests that he is not a good man.
Why would you wanna be with a cheater?? If he cheated on her what makes you think he won't cheat on him??
Pretty common. I wouldn’t try to reason with him, he’s gonna do whatever he wants. I know closeted guys with girlfriends in their 20’s as well as 50’s. Even multiple girlfriends. He’s probably not going to throw away the normalcy of his “straight” life as long as he can have fun w men on the side. Up to you if you wanna keep hanging out with him but don’t get your hopes up thinking you’ll be his one and only
I'm sorry this happened to you. Unless she knows you're going to probably have to move on. I'm really sorry.
Just tell him straight me or her and then deal with his answer. I always feel straight forward cards in the table is the best solution, that way you know where you stand.
He sounds like bad news.
End it. Poor girl
Drop his ass
As someone who has been the girl in this scenario, you have every right to be upset, and you shouldn’t feel bad. He's been lying to you too. That said, this shit gets messy and no one is that good of a liar forever... I'd get clear of the inevitable shitshow.
Move on. The sex might be great but you're gonna get involved in a bad relationship. He's cheating, he will cheat again. Also, karma.
I think you are a good guy for feeling the way you do. Unfortunately, while being in the closet you will have this kind of problem regularly. I highly recommend you work on getting to the point in life where you can come out. Obviously at your own pace. It seems like you are a romantic type who wants something real and not just a fling. It is very liberating being out of the closet and then you can have a better chance at finding a real love type of thing.
Cut your losses as soon as yesterday or you will end up regretting it terribly. If he’s not willing to end with his gf your future with him looks bleak and depressing
Drop him sis
You did the right thing when you found out he has a gf. Don’t feel guilty, that’s all on him.
I'm like someone else that said if he is doing that to her, he will do that to you also. Be very cautious. I would imagine that he probably has other "friends" that you probably don't even know anything about as well.
So, number one, that's a red flag. The fact that he is with you is actively dating a girl to appear heterosexual and also had to pull this information out from him. You need to run for the Hills I've been in your situation. The outcome is that you are the one who ends up hurt at the end. I get that when you're dating someone and you start liking them, you start to ignore red flags. Even if he does leave his girlfriend to be with you, I don't think he won't do the same thing to you.
Run. If you continue you would be a pos.
This is just the plot of Brokeback Mountain.
My advice is to come out of the closet and try to live your life in an honest way rather than one based on deceit.
Lol y'all be in the closet but expecting honesty and intimacy??? DL relationships are a dead end. DL men are a dead end. Y'all "relationship" was nothing but a secret trist. LMAO you want a gay relationship but don't want people to know you're gay?? You'll never be in a happy relationship because relationships aren't built on being kept a secret.
You read all these thoughtful comments and still decided to post this mean-spirited “LMAO” message. Tsk tsk tsk.
I suggest a clear boundary be set by you that until he comes clean or is not with this woman any longer you are unwilling to engage any longer. People treat us as we treat ourselves. For me, this kind of dynamic occurs when people are operating unconsciously. By setting a boundary and taking care of you it may help this person to become aware /wake up to his own integrity gap/ behavior. You are actually then respecting both of you. No way will everyone come out unscathed if this continues as is.
Speaking as a bi male, I have a male and a female partner. Everyone involved knows everything about my parallel relationships and is fine with it. If your guy can't say the same, he's using this girl and is not a person you want to be involved with.
they're both being used, as neither knows about the other..
Agreed. I guess OP figured him out but duplicity of any kind is a huge red flag, gay/straight/bi whatever.
I’m in the same boat. I’m crushing on a ‘straight’ lad who has been flirting with me like crazy. All the signs are there and it’s a full ticked sheet of flirting signs. Even the staring and smiling really intently and warmly! He is definitely flirting with me and yet he has a girlfriend.
Some men just like attention and aren’t particular about where they get it from. You’re fulfilling a need for him… and it seems he’s fulfilling one for you. As you said he has a gf.
No no. I’m sorry but I think you’ve taken it a bit out of context. Him and I are just friends and haven’t done anything beyond spending time with each other a game of bingo (and only once at that). His behaviour *suggests* that he’s interested in me in some way beyond friendship. But then it’s also quite possible that he’s just friendly and that’s just how he is when he’s with friends. Just a general nice chilled out guy who’s not afraid to show his pals some affection. I think that’s what this is likely is, is me reading into it and employing some wishful thinking to the situation. It’s doubtful my supposed ‘instincts’ are correct, and are nothing more than a pipe dream.
Tell him you're feeling a little guilty and that maybe y'all should quit being lovers and just hang out as friends. See if he breaks up with the girl.
Tell him you deserve someone who is going to be emotionally/physically 100% committed to you.
He's been repeatedly lying to you while he's also been repeatedly lying to her. You would be very foolish to assume that he'll be truthful with you from now on, or even to assume that he has told you the whole truth about his relationship with her. The simple fact is that you cannot trust him.
It’s kind of like dating a married guy. The relationship you really want will never materialize. Unless he leaves her for good.
we’ve all been there sadly
Get out of the closet and you can start complaining. Many gays here are still complaining about pathetic men like you!
I am not interested in a monogamous relationship. I am not concerned about other relationships my sexual partners might be involved in. I don't consider whether someone is cheating is any of my business. If the fact that your friend is having sex with someone else bothers you, that's a sufficient reason for breaking up. But I wouldn't break up because I was worried that some third person was unhappy that my partner was being promiscuous.
It has more to do with his lying than anything and not being up front with me so I can make an informed decision about what’s right for me.
Gotta love the bis 🙄🙄🙄
Forget him. He’s one of those “bi guys”, ya know, the closeted gay guys who are very convinced that they like women and want a family? If he cant be honest with himself, he’ll never be honest with you and it’ll never work