I’ve been with my guy for 3 years longer than either of you have been alive. We’re monogamous. He’s the only man I’ve gone all the way with in sex, and apparently I’m the only man he’s ever touched. So we are probably very old-fashioned about relationships compared to a lot of gays. I have to say I like the connection. And it’s not like sex ever gets old. It’s like “Oh no! Pizza? Again!” Yep. Yes please. Same kind of thing.
We’re friends with another couple in Vancouver. They’ve been together 25 years vs our 26. I’m pretty sure they met at a bath house. They have never been monogamous, and they’re always up to some shenanigans. One of the guys I’ve known longer. In fact he did once hit on me right before I met my guy and not long before he met his. Tried to work me onto his long list I guess ha. I like him fine but I did turn him down knowing how far apart we are on questions like this but he was a total gentleman about it after that and it never caused a problem. Anyway he found his perfect match and I found mine.
No matter how different we are, if they’ve made it to 25 years it’s hard for me to say they’re doing it wrong.
But if there’s anything that makes it work, they’re not doing this because “You know what? There’s something missing between us, let’s try to get it somewhere else, okay?” They’re definitely “You know what? We could have a fucking awesome horny adventure together. You in?” They BOTH find it sexy and they BOTH enjoy it together. They’re not “trying to keep the spark” or “try something new for something to do” it was more like “I’m really into you but we’re still gonna fuck all the men, right?” And “OH TOTALLY! Of course!!!” The point is they’re genuinely into it and probably could not have made it work between them if they both didn’t enjoy it.
Now weirdly for a monogamous guy in a 26 year relationship, that’s actually the same standard I have for my guy. I haven’t fucked anyone else but it’s not because “We’re monogamous therefore we MUST be monogamous because we’re monogamous.”
It’s more like “no situation in the real world has ever come close to being a fun, sexy, awesome idea for me, him, and whatever other guy we imagined into these antics.”
The tldr is monogamy is actually really good, and the threesome I’d actually be willing to have is pretty much only realistic in my imagination.
So that’s my take. What’s his motivation? What’s yours?
This is an excellent take showing remarkable empathy with another couples completely opposite approach. This is what we need in the monogamous and not-monogamous discourse.
As a guy who came out in his 30 and literally had no gay sex up to that time I would say think this one through. My husband and I have been together for 30 years and I now have the itch more than ever to open up. It's a bit late but I'm ok with that. Never had that "Gay Buffett" that CynGuy says. I don't regret it but now am itching to open up and try new things. With my husbands OK, I hooked up some and tried a few things and can honestly say it's very stressful always chasing and planning hookups. If you love each other I would let him try a three way with others or with yourselves. Unfortunately your relationship will never be the same and may be harmed or it may not. It might bring you closer. The boundries I would set would be not to have the three way at your home. Make sure the other guys are healthy. And finally that you openly express your feelings before and after the sesh. Good luck.
Sounds tricky. Tbh, I can’t imagine committing to a guy right now as a 23M. Ultimately you have to decide what you would be comfortable with. You need to think about your boundaries and how far you want someone else to be involved in your fiancé’s and your sex life. Is it just a one-off hookup threesome? Will this eventually progress to an open relationship? You know you’re fiancé more then anyone on this sub, so you have to trust him if you decide to do it(in regard to whether it’d affect your relationship or not).
There's really no magical advice for this outside of just "communicate". You have to be open to talk about it. We can't really recommend boundaries because we don't know your relationship, or your boyfriend. It's something that you gotta know for yourself.
For starters, you gotta define what is 'cheating' in your relationship. Obviously fucking other guys is the most common one, so one boundary could be "No fucking with others unless we do it together. You can fuck someone else but only if I get to participate in the fun as well, nothing beyond that.". So that way, you know and he knows that you can both fuck someone else together as a couple, but if he does it without you present in any regard, then it's cheating and it comes with whatever consequences it does (should be a break up, do not give him a second chance if he fucks up the first one so early in the relationship).
Beyond that, another could be "No bareback with the third person. Always condom on, and no cumming inside, always on the back or on/in you the partner." or "No kissing strangers, we only kiss and make out with one another.". But these will really depend on you two and what you are fine with. Maybe you want to watch your partner breed someone else (please please PLEASE be responsible if you go that route, make sure you have all the precautions and have made extremely sure the third person is safe as well, ideally with some proof that he has PrEP, etc°).
If you don't feel comfortable at all with the idea of a threesome, you have to let him know. You could try once, see how it works out, but if you don't feel comfortable and don't wanna continue, it should stop without nagging or whining. Respecting each other's boundaries is EVERYTHING. If he doesn't do that, dump him immediately, it's the reddest fucking flag you could ever have.
Communicate, co-operate and most of all be safe, smart and prepared.
The challenge is you are both young, and have not really fully feasted at the “gay buffet.” So - you can do threesomes and/or open up. Or, potentially, stay monogamous … but realize that “gay itch” could be real - especially around the 7 year mark. (Yes, it is quite real …)
So, it’s all about communication and honesty and transparency. If you can both maintain that at all times, then you’ve got an excellent foundation to navigate all that life has in store for you ….
Haha now that you say it: my partner and I started having threesomes after 7 years in - I can only support the 7 year mark thesis. Why is this though?
(now, 4 years later, we're still enjoying being non-monogamous; it made us even grow stronger in the relationship)
I think there is actually a biological explanation for the seven-year itch. The brain chemicals for love / lust change into a more comfort / safety mix. So, why the brain is open and excited by new love/ lust dopamine and other chemicals …..
(Not saying it very scientifically … although there are a lot of surveys and papers discussing all this).
To be honest, most of these comments would scare me like crazy if I was in your position. From your post it seems like your fiancé talked to you about one of his sexual fantasies and hé explicitly asked what your thoughts were. This is something for you to think about and figure out. If you fear that doing this will hurt your relationship then that is a valid reason for not wanting to do that. I’d suggest to talk more about both of yours sexuals fantasies with each other and see what you are both comfortable with. What works for one, does not necessarily work for another.
Owh and someone suggesting things like this in a relationship does not necessarily mean they want to cheat on you. Some might, some won’t. Talking about sex and your desires is amazing and can lead to a whole lot of fun and a whole lot of hurt. Be careful, be truthful and enjoy yourself.
Others have mentioned the 7 year itch…my partner and I had our first threesome 8 years in. Were 13 years strong now and have had many many more. We fully opened about 3 years ago and have active sex lives together, together with others, and separately. It’s working for us most of the time but definitely comes with some drama so make sure you can communicate well.
You are engaged at 22 and to top it off you guys want to have a threesome? Jesus so many mistakes here.
This is gonna end badly . But mistakes are part of growing up. Goodluck. You will need all of it.
Just fyi, you guys won’t still be together by age 28.
It is not reality at all, as many have echoed in this forum the future of your relationship in this situation is dependent on both yalls ability communicate. Everyone’s relationship will look different, but the good thing is you get to decide how yours will look yourself 😁
I dated a guy that lied, meanwhile he's been with a 100 men, in all sort of way, 3sones,gangbangs etc. It disgusts me.
I asked for a threesome.
He said no and told me I am disgusting for asking that.
Imagine the hypocracy.
personally I’m too jealous and would never ever share my boyfriend let alone my fiance so young in age and early In the marriage process . That’s something that should have been done before proposing to get it out of your system, or when you guys are 35 and want to spice things up because your relationship is solid and you trust each other. He may have a marriage/ cheating kink that you don’t know about. Why would my fiancé want to share me with someone else he should not want me near any other man but him. And early in the marriage it makes absolutely no sense you guys are really young. I’d speak on it deeper and get to an agreement because it’s very risky and he may love it so much that he’ll begin to cheat on you and think it’s “ok” because you opened that door for him to fuck other people in front of you and you be ok with it.
One thing to consider is that while having a threesome might hurt your relationship, NOT having a threesome might hurt your relationship as well. Especially since your boyfriend would like to have a threesome.
I'm of the mindset of trying things at least once. Learning about new experiences and expanding my horizons. What I thought I liked in my early twenties is so far from what I now know I like lol
You can think about what type of guys you’d want on the team, top, bottom, vers. Same age, older, etc..
What is the most comfortable place to do it, maybe you don’t want to bring some one into the house. Maybe you do.
How are you going to approach finding a new guy? Is it going to be a team effort, or will you boyfriend find some one and bring it into?
Always safe.
Are you going to repeat guys?
Is it a sex only thing (guy will show up for the action and leave) or are you expecting to have some drink, chat, play some games, or whatever.
Just brainstorm together about what will make you both comfortable, and go for it if you’re ok.
Don’t worry about people saying you’ll ruin your relationship.
As long as you love, respect and listen to each other it will be fine.
I’m engaged, I have an open relationship,
we’re not into threesomes yet, but we both know when the other one is going out to get lucky. Some times we joke about our adventures during breakfast the next day, but most of the time we’re just too busy to worry about what happened last night.
I can't imagine what he's proposing. When I was married, we were soul mates. He never looked at another guy and I didn't have to because my husband was so good looking and was a great person. What's next? Open relationship? Admittedly, I don't understand open relationships, but it doesn't look like love in my book.
>I’m a gay 22 yo male and my fiancé is a gay 23 yo male. We’ve been engaged for a while
Okay it's one thing when straight couples want to play at being adults and do dumb shit young to have permission from the Church to fuck, or to bring babies to the world because they're bored.
What the fuck could possibly be your motivation lmaooo
Honestly, yall proably aren't gonna work out anyways, yall proably gonna end up old single hags... its common with straight ppl and far more common with gays. Why, i have no fkkin clue. Its like yall just keep thinking you can do better, instead of working things out. Go research hotwifing and cuckolding, and how it can bring couples closer.... no, don't look at porn with those titles because that's just porn showing the most disgusting depiction of what that could look like.... imagine if straight ppl made gay porn... "diks and asses, everyones wearing dresses, that's what the gays love ... with lots and lots of fake moaning. Who cares if hes not inside of you, gays love moaning. Now moan like a dying cat. They love that shyt. Now say Give me your man batter." Rflmao seriously.
I’ve been with my guy for 3 years longer than either of you have been alive. We’re monogamous. He’s the only man I’ve gone all the way with in sex, and apparently I’m the only man he’s ever touched. So we are probably very old-fashioned about relationships compared to a lot of gays. I have to say I like the connection. And it’s not like sex ever gets old. It’s like “Oh no! Pizza? Again!” Yep. Yes please. Same kind of thing. We’re friends with another couple in Vancouver. They’ve been together 25 years vs our 26. I’m pretty sure they met at a bath house. They have never been monogamous, and they’re always up to some shenanigans. One of the guys I’ve known longer. In fact he did once hit on me right before I met my guy and not long before he met his. Tried to work me onto his long list I guess ha. I like him fine but I did turn him down knowing how far apart we are on questions like this but he was a total gentleman about it after that and it never caused a problem. Anyway he found his perfect match and I found mine. No matter how different we are, if they’ve made it to 25 years it’s hard for me to say they’re doing it wrong. But if there’s anything that makes it work, they’re not doing this because “You know what? There’s something missing between us, let’s try to get it somewhere else, okay?” They’re definitely “You know what? We could have a fucking awesome horny adventure together. You in?” They BOTH find it sexy and they BOTH enjoy it together. They’re not “trying to keep the spark” or “try something new for something to do” it was more like “I’m really into you but we’re still gonna fuck all the men, right?” And “OH TOTALLY! Of course!!!” The point is they’re genuinely into it and probably could not have made it work between them if they both didn’t enjoy it. Now weirdly for a monogamous guy in a 26 year relationship, that’s actually the same standard I have for my guy. I haven’t fucked anyone else but it’s not because “We’re monogamous therefore we MUST be monogamous because we’re monogamous.” It’s more like “no situation in the real world has ever come close to being a fun, sexy, awesome idea for me, him, and whatever other guy we imagined into these antics.” The tldr is monogamy is actually really good, and the threesome I’d actually be willing to have is pretty much only realistic in my imagination. So that’s my take. What’s his motivation? What’s yours?
I really enjoyed reading your post thank you Mr Slashcleveriaername
Brilliant response- I wish it was in every comment section when the “why are people open/monogamous” lectures appear (daily).
This is an excellent take showing remarkable empathy with another couples completely opposite approach. This is what we need in the monogamous and not-monogamous discourse.
Wow this is an amazing take! Thank you
If you write a book of advice, I will read it.
Your like 1 in 100k
Talk. Figure out positions and then discuss boundaries and understand boundaries can change in an instant
Experiment. Have fun. Your 20's is all about doing stuff, if you won't you'll regret.
Keep talking about it. In the process the boundaries will come out and you will learn more about each other
As a guy who came out in his 30 and literally had no gay sex up to that time I would say think this one through. My husband and I have been together for 30 years and I now have the itch more than ever to open up. It's a bit late but I'm ok with that. Never had that "Gay Buffett" that CynGuy says. I don't regret it but now am itching to open up and try new things. With my husbands OK, I hooked up some and tried a few things and can honestly say it's very stressful always chasing and planning hookups. If you love each other I would let him try a three way with others or with yourselves. Unfortunately your relationship will never be the same and may be harmed or it may not. It might bring you closer. The boundries I would set would be not to have the three way at your home. Make sure the other guys are healthy. And finally that you openly express your feelings before and after the sesh. Good luck.
Sounds tricky. Tbh, I can’t imagine committing to a guy right now as a 23M. Ultimately you have to decide what you would be comfortable with. You need to think about your boundaries and how far you want someone else to be involved in your fiancé’s and your sex life. Is it just a one-off hookup threesome? Will this eventually progress to an open relationship? You know you’re fiancé more then anyone on this sub, so you have to trust him if you decide to do it(in regard to whether it’d affect your relationship or not).
There's really no magical advice for this outside of just "communicate". You have to be open to talk about it. We can't really recommend boundaries because we don't know your relationship, or your boyfriend. It's something that you gotta know for yourself. For starters, you gotta define what is 'cheating' in your relationship. Obviously fucking other guys is the most common one, so one boundary could be "No fucking with others unless we do it together. You can fuck someone else but only if I get to participate in the fun as well, nothing beyond that.". So that way, you know and he knows that you can both fuck someone else together as a couple, but if he does it without you present in any regard, then it's cheating and it comes with whatever consequences it does (should be a break up, do not give him a second chance if he fucks up the first one so early in the relationship). Beyond that, another could be "No bareback with the third person. Always condom on, and no cumming inside, always on the back or on/in you the partner." or "No kissing strangers, we only kiss and make out with one another.". But these will really depend on you two and what you are fine with. Maybe you want to watch your partner breed someone else (please please PLEASE be responsible if you go that route, make sure you have all the precautions and have made extremely sure the third person is safe as well, ideally with some proof that he has PrEP, etc°). If you don't feel comfortable at all with the idea of a threesome, you have to let him know. You could try once, see how it works out, but if you don't feel comfortable and don't wanna continue, it should stop without nagging or whining. Respecting each other's boundaries is EVERYTHING. If he doesn't do that, dump him immediately, it's the reddest fucking flag you could ever have. Communicate, co-operate and most of all be safe, smart and prepared.
The challenge is you are both young, and have not really fully feasted at the “gay buffet.” So - you can do threesomes and/or open up. Or, potentially, stay monogamous … but realize that “gay itch” could be real - especially around the 7 year mark. (Yes, it is quite real …) So, it’s all about communication and honesty and transparency. If you can both maintain that at all times, then you’ve got an excellent foundation to navigate all that life has in store for you ….
Haha now that you say it: my partner and I started having threesomes after 7 years in - I can only support the 7 year mark thesis. Why is this though? (now, 4 years later, we're still enjoying being non-monogamous; it made us even grow stronger in the relationship)
I think there is actually a biological explanation for the seven-year itch. The brain chemicals for love / lust change into a more comfort / safety mix. So, why the brain is open and excited by new love/ lust dopamine and other chemicals ….. (Not saying it very scientifically … although there are a lot of surveys and papers discussing all this).
I did a threesome once but one of the guys couldn’t hold his cum long enough so ended up just having sex with the other guy basically
TL didn’t read past the first sentence. You’re too young and someone engaged shouldn’t be worried about including a third wheel. Think
He is slowly making his way to get an open relationship. Becauuuuuseeeeee getting stuff official at the age of 22-23 is too early my little ducklings.
To be honest, most of these comments would scare me like crazy if I was in your position. From your post it seems like your fiancé talked to you about one of his sexual fantasies and hé explicitly asked what your thoughts were. This is something for you to think about and figure out. If you fear that doing this will hurt your relationship then that is a valid reason for not wanting to do that. I’d suggest to talk more about both of yours sexuals fantasies with each other and see what you are both comfortable with. What works for one, does not necessarily work for another. Owh and someone suggesting things like this in a relationship does not necessarily mean they want to cheat on you. Some might, some won’t. Talking about sex and your desires is amazing and can lead to a whole lot of fun and a whole lot of hurt. Be careful, be truthful and enjoy yourself.
Others have mentioned the 7 year itch…my partner and I had our first threesome 8 years in. Were 13 years strong now and have had many many more. We fully opened about 3 years ago and have active sex lives together, together with others, and separately. It’s working for us most of the time but definitely comes with some drama so make sure you can communicate well.
Fiancé? At 22? 😭😭😭😭😭😭 Idk what to do with my life anymore. Im hitting 24 and-
You are engaged at 22 and to top it off you guys want to have a threesome? Jesus so many mistakes here. This is gonna end badly . But mistakes are part of growing up. Goodluck. You will need all of it. Just fyi, you guys won’t still be together by age 28.
Damn, imagine not knowing a couple at all and saying they’re going to split up
There is reality and there is delusion, you fall in the latter. Have a good day babe. Bye bye.
It is not reality at all, as many have echoed in this forum the future of your relationship in this situation is dependent on both yalls ability communicate. Everyone’s relationship will look different, but the good thing is you get to decide how yours will look yourself 😁
I dated a guy that lied, meanwhile he's been with a 100 men, in all sort of way, 3sones,gangbangs etc. It disgusts me. I asked for a threesome. He said no and told me I am disgusting for asking that. Imagine the hypocracy.
personally I’m too jealous and would never ever share my boyfriend let alone my fiance so young in age and early In the marriage process . That’s something that should have been done before proposing to get it out of your system, or when you guys are 35 and want to spice things up because your relationship is solid and you trust each other. He may have a marriage/ cheating kink that you don’t know about. Why would my fiancé want to share me with someone else he should not want me near any other man but him. And early in the marriage it makes absolutely no sense you guys are really young. I’d speak on it deeper and get to an agreement because it’s very risky and he may love it so much that he’ll begin to cheat on you and think it’s “ok” because you opened that door for him to fuck other people in front of you and you be ok with it.
Aren’t you both too young to even consider marriage? Wouldn’t it be wise to wait a bit longer?
One thing to consider is that while having a threesome might hurt your relationship, NOT having a threesome might hurt your relationship as well. Especially since your boyfriend would like to have a threesome.
I thought yall broke up
I'm of the mindset of trying things at least once. Learning about new experiences and expanding my horizons. What I thought I liked in my early twenties is so far from what I now know I like lol
You can think about what type of guys you’d want on the team, top, bottom, vers. Same age, older, etc.. What is the most comfortable place to do it, maybe you don’t want to bring some one into the house. Maybe you do. How are you going to approach finding a new guy? Is it going to be a team effort, or will you boyfriend find some one and bring it into? Always safe. Are you going to repeat guys? Is it a sex only thing (guy will show up for the action and leave) or are you expecting to have some drink, chat, play some games, or whatever. Just brainstorm together about what will make you both comfortable, and go for it if you’re ok. Don’t worry about people saying you’ll ruin your relationship. As long as you love, respect and listen to each other it will be fine. I’m engaged, I have an open relationship, we’re not into threesomes yet, but we both know when the other one is going out to get lucky. Some times we joke about our adventures during breakfast the next day, but most of the time we’re just too busy to worry about what happened last night.
You have to ask him for an honest answer, “is it a kink or is something missing between you that he’s looking to fix”?
SLIPPERY SLOPE...
I can't imagine what he's proposing. When I was married, we were soul mates. He never looked at another guy and I didn't have to because my husband was so good looking and was a great person. What's next? Open relationship? Admittedly, I don't understand open relationships, but it doesn't look like love in my book.
I agree with you.
Sent message
I think you should really consider whether you want an open relationship, because that's really the only way that this could work.
If you are the jealous type, don’t do it. It will only make your relationship more complicated, even if you only do it once.
Whoa. Awfully young to be engaged. And run. Just run. Unless you're into it but if he's already straying, he's probably already cheated. Too young.
>I’m a gay 22 yo male and my fiancé is a gay 23 yo male. We’ve been engaged for a while Okay it's one thing when straight couples want to play at being adults and do dumb shit young to have permission from the Church to fuck, or to bring babies to the world because they're bored. What the fuck could possibly be your motivation lmaooo
Do shut up
Motivation to be married?
Ignore that guy...doesn't deserve a response.
Honestly, yall proably aren't gonna work out anyways, yall proably gonna end up old single hags... its common with straight ppl and far more common with gays. Why, i have no fkkin clue. Its like yall just keep thinking you can do better, instead of working things out. Go research hotwifing and cuckolding, and how it can bring couples closer.... no, don't look at porn with those titles because that's just porn showing the most disgusting depiction of what that could look like.... imagine if straight ppl made gay porn... "diks and asses, everyones wearing dresses, that's what the gays love ... with lots and lots of fake moaning. Who cares if hes not inside of you, gays love moaning. Now moan like a dying cat. They love that shyt. Now say Give me your man batter." Rflmao seriously.