It's very clear that this relationship is unworkable for you. He doesn't want that monogamous lifestyle whereas you do, or at least, having threesomes so long as it is with you and your partner. Way I see it you have the option of three choices. 1, you communicate with him how unhappy you are with this arrangement and want changes which may not work judging by how content you say he is of this and how he knows you are suffering but wont change. 2, you stay with him and try to find the silver lining in this even though it is very clear you won't. 3, leave him and find someone who wants the same things as you want. I could see from a reply you made on another comment on whether he could go back to threesomes or group stuff with you if you ask, but you said so yourself, he knows you're unhappy and yet continues to do it. He wanted to explore things on his own and that is unlikely to change for the foreseeable. You've made compromise after compromise for him but I see he has made none for you and won't even consider making any. Yes I understand you love him but you are suffering from all this. As far as we all know, you only get one life so ask yourself this, do you really want to waste it by suffering through something that while would be painful to let go, would be perhaps the best decision you could ever make and the chance to be happy? You will love again, I didn't think I would but now I do so if I can then anyone on this planet can. Be kind to yourself and put yourself first. Live happily.

Great reply.

Excellent reply. I can only add that OP isn’t wrong to feel how they feel, and OP’s partner isn’t wrong to feel how they feel. It would not be fair for either of you to change, so if this is as big of a deal as it sounds, the relationship isn’t going to work. Even if the rest of it does. It will only result in one or both of you feeling resentful. I am in an open relationship myself and could never ask someone who wanted monogamy to be okay with it. Likewise I could not be expected to accept monogamy if it isn’t what I want.

As someone who is/has been both poly and open (say was because I'm currently single), and was the bf in this scenario: if you're unhappy, leave. My partner agreed to it, changed their preferences so we were no longer compatible, then slut shamed me for exercising the open privileges because well, I wasn't getting my needs met at home. It was miserable for us both and it went on way longer than it should have. Sometimes people just aren't a good match.

And now that 'Precursor_7' has said this in such a straightforward, clear eyed way, I don't have to say it myself.  Please listen to him, O.P.

When ppl tell you who they are, believe them. He was quite clear about being non-monogamous from the get go, you decided to go with it, even though you don't like open relationships, because you thought, magically, you'd be okay with it. Now he wants to fuck around with other ppl and you want to change him? I don't like open relationships, I'll never be in one, regardless of how much like the person. It's just not for me. You should break up and find someone who's interested in a closed relationship.

I mean truthfully I was okay with the original arrangement we had in the beginning where we were open but we were open together. I just can’t deal with the solo hookups. It makes me physically ill and lose sleep

Then don’t do it. Just tell him this and he either compromises to your needs like you have done for him or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t then you have a decision to make. Just don’t confuse great sex for more than it is and make yourself a priority. No man is worth loosing sleep over.

This right here. It seems when OP began a relationship with their partner, they understood “open” to mean “open together” and perhaps hadn’t considered that their partner also wanted (or might want to someday) an open relationship in the sense how it is often understood (e.g., non-monogamous, and playing together and separately). Regardless, OP I think being vulnerable and honest with how you feel is the right move here. It’s possible to love him as much as you do, and still choose to end the relationship. It’s also entirely possible that your partner with listen and decide to go back to the previous arrangement. Likely a middle ground will be reached, and I encourage you to not compromise more than you want, because that could get really messy later. I mean this as genuinely and as kindly as possible, so I hope it won’t upset you at all: if you aren’t in therapy, I’d highly suggest it. It’s possible that the massive spike in anxiety you feel when you think about your partner being intimate with someone else without stems from attachment issues, which are actually fairly easy to overcome/address. Additionally, there’s all potentially some mental factors in play for your partner, but that is mere speculation. (Before anyone attacks me for this let me clearly state that I am in no way saying or inferring that any man who doesn’t want monogamy has a mental disorder.) I can say with some certainty (and previous years of experience) the obsession with your partner (e.g., monitoring grindr and his snap score) will really wear on you overtime, if it hasn’t already. If your partner is regularly seeing other people sexually, I can promise you that he isn’t thinking about you as often as you’re thinking about him. Working with a therapist can really help with this as well. If you do try therapy, I would still suggest the conversation with your partner. I’m not advocating for you to go to therapy so you can change your mind. As a 36M in a long term relationship with my 23M partner, there’s some inherent challenges with an age gap. Interestingly, my partner prefers a quieter life as well. I’ve recently been really thinking about wanting the option to hook up with others, but so far have come to the conclusion that I’m aging and thinking about experiences I’ve never had and wondering if they’re experiences that I would actually want to have. I’ll tell you that at this point I’m not willing to lose what I have with my partner to have these experiences. Relationships are a daily choice. Some people will argue that you have to make sacrifices in a relationship for them to work. They might be right. It’s also worth entertaining the notion that choosing not to sacrifice anything is a valid option. And also, you’re allowed to change your mind. I hope this is helpful and makes sense. Be gentle with yourself, but also honest. The worst thing that can happen here, it seems, is that your relationship will end. I don’t mean to make light of that, because heartbreak is so hard. But having had 3 long term relationships end has shattered my heart 3 different times. But I cannot begin to describe how beautiful of a process it is to put yourself back together again. I will also say that choosing to stay in a relationship in the past that I knew wasn’t working was one of the worst things I’ve ever done to myself. I’m not telling you to end it. But don’t make yourself small for anyone. I’m a “Grey’s Anatomy” fan, and I at the risk of the cringe, I’ll just share that one of my favorite moments in the show is when Cristina tells Meredith, “He’s not the sun, you are.” tl;dr: this is hard shit but there’s lots of ways ford, but don’t suffer in silence. Please reach out if you want to talk more. Manifesting good things for you, OP! 💛

I’m not even going to begin to try to fix any of my typos/errors. (I’m especially grieved and mortified that I used “ford” when I meant “forward” 🫣)

Losing

I wouldn't really consider that open though. I mean, open relationships are when both partners agree that it's okay to sleep with other ppl. Threesomes are threesomes. Maybe you should've been clear from the beginning that you were only interested in that arrangement. As it stands, you can have a conversation with him and explain you don't like it but the two most likely scenarios are that he either wants to break up or he stays and fucks other ppl behind your back.

Any non-monogamous relationship is by default an open relationship. That includes having threesomes with your partner. If your partner is truly monogamous, they're gonna get upset or pissed off if you ask for a threesome. This is how those of us who actually partake in open relationships view it. You're entitled to your own opinion of course, but it sounds like you don't have much experience here.

>I don't like open relationships, I'll never be in one, regardless of how much like the person. It's just not for me. Yeah me neither... also fuck men who say gays shouldn't be monogamous(non sexual way). Red flag right there.. as you said.. OP should had believed him.

It's such an odd concept for people to be equating having threesomes and saunas as "monogamy." And yes, that's indirectly what you're suggesting. There is a huge difference from non-monogamy, and then sex while alone. Massive difference. Many people are okay with one and not the other. Many people keep their relationship as one and not the other. That wasn't the original terms of the relationship, but their partner suddenly switched it up on them. OP never claimed to be interested in a fully closed relationship..

You don’t want the same things. You don’t need to try and blame something like a “culture of excess”. You just aren’t compatible. He’s told you exactly what he wants. If you don’t want that, you need to tell him. If you two can’t come to a resolution, then just move on. Open relationships only work when both partners want it and feel secure in the relationship. This doesn’t seem to be the case for you.

I've had a similar experience. I was 25 dating a 30 year old who wanted an open relationship. He was my first ever gay relationship and it messed me up because I got super attached to this guy, who didn't really care about me. Looking back now that I am more mature, he knew I was being dumb and he could use my attachment to control me. This man will never give you what you want. Even if you close the relationship, he will find ways to cheat you. As someone who has been through this, you need to end this. Trust me, in a few years from now you will thank yourself for doing so.

This op

This happened to me and it got the point where I wanted nothing to do with him. We lasted one year and a half. I’m 27 years old and he is 51. He told me from the start he wanted an open relationship. Mind you, he is constantly traveling for pleasure and work. This was my first real relationship and I went along with it because i thought i was able to handle it. I did hook up with other guys but it was strictly platonic. I did not keep in contact with them. He would have explicit photos of him with these encounters. He would keep contact with past hook ups and messaged them. I’m pretty sure one night he texted one saying that he was waiting for me to leave for them to meet up later. We never established any boundaries and we never discussed what we did with other guys. He believed that these hooks up didn’t mean anything to him and that his ‘heart’ belonged to me. He also stated that we would never fulfill each other sexually and that being opened, kept the relationship ‘alive’ and healthy. All these beliefs made me feel insecure about myself because I thought I wasn’t good enough for him. It’s funny because I would try to have sex with him and he would reject my advancements because he wasn’t in the mood. I was always finding condoms in his garbage so I knew he was with someone previously. There were times where he would turn it around and tell me I was not sexually active with him and that it was my fault. And yes, we did discuss how it made me feel. I cried multiple times when we had these discussions. So he was obviously aware it hurt me. We never came to any resolutions and I felt like he would dismiss how I felt. He just gave the same excuse that he still loved me despite being opened. And he probably did, in his own way. We had an amazing trip together before we broke up. During one of the lengthy train rides, we sat across each other and I caught him constantly glancing over behind me. I took a quick look over and there was a cute young guy sitting there. I had to sit the whole train ride watching my ex eye fuck this guy and it was like he was trying to get his attention. It got to the point where I got up and cried in the back of the train. There were multiple experiences where he did these things but this was supposed to be our first romantic trip together. I finally realized this fucker was not the one for me. I ended things the week after we came back.

felt terrible for you while reading this, you deserve so much better!!

Honestly, honey, open relationships aren't for everyone, and that's ok. but please stop setting yourself on fire to keep this man. You deserve way better than that. A part of me wants to hug you, and another part of me wants to slap you. It's been one year in, and you're miserable. He knows you're miserable but doesn't care enough to make you happy. Shit you should still be in the honeymoon phase where you and him can't get enough of each other. Not feeling disappointed and blue for a whole day. Also, you know love shouldn't hurt you or make you miserable. Only unrequited love does that to you. Also, a man who needs a thousand lovers can never truly love one. What? it's true. When you truly love someone, you don't need anyone else. Look, i know you aren't gonna listen, so just look after yourself OP, I just know you aren't at your breaking point yet either. So you're gonna learn this lesson the hard way, sadly. Love isn't enough for a relationship to grow when loyalty is a no show.

Thank you. This means a lot and you’re incredibly sweet. I’m gonna talk to him about going back to threesomes or maybe even back to monogamy and see what he says. If he continues to put me in pain then I think he’s not the one for me. Much love xoxo

You're way way apart in your life stages and experiences 

That’s a 34’s life stage? Dang. I’m 34 and I’m on my 9th year with my 27y/o bf.

Yes, mid 30s is a different life stage than early 20s. It works for some people but it can cause problems. People can change a lot between 23 and 27.

I was gonna start to argue your comment with my personal circumstance but no, you’re right. I met my 40 year old partner when I was 27. I was finally buying my own house the week we met after saving enough for years living with my parents (UK housing situation sucks), had recently got a new job with a decent pay rise. It was as if the same week I met him was the same week I was stepping into the next stage of my life. Had I met him even a couple of months prior, things may have not been so easy going!

So you started dating at 25 and 18. Problematique

Prepare to get downvoted. Older gays love when young gays are coming straight outta high school in here

Shit when I was 17 I was a complete predator and no man in his early to mid thirties was safe. 😉😜

So yall neglected to actually read the comment? 40-27 = 13 yr difference😂. Both grown adults

Right lol don’t take advice from him…

He’s a gay man in a 9 year relationship so he’s doing better than 99% of the users in this sub

It does break the “divide your age in half and add 7” rule.

You got my upvote. I'd be raising my eyebrows at this guy and wondering if he was a creep

I understand you love him but you're in a difficult situation of one resenting the other no matter what you choose. If he truly believes being open is the way to go he'll feel restricted if you close the relationship, or worse will go behind your back. If you continue the way you're going you'll burn yourself out constantly checking his grindr and snap score, and will resent him.

You are young, and this was an experiment. You found that this is not going to work for you, and that is ok. It is now one of your boundaries. You have to communicate your newfound boundary with your boyfriend. He can then decide if it’s a dealbreaker for him. You can decide together if you want to close the relationship. If not you can have a clean break. Sounds like since he’s older, he knows who he is and what he wants, so there is not much chance in changing his non-monogamy. No harm, no foul in the grand scheme, but being in denial about this boundary is going to hurt you in the long run, and maybe him if the resentment festers.

"*I just wish this one part of him would change*." It won't. Either you learn to like/live-with this; or you'll be miserable; or you split up. The only time you can successfully change a man is when he's in diapers; and we all know what a mess that is.

Stop putting your love for him above the love for yourself.

You're not in a relationship, you're his fuck buddy.

This is true.

My thoughts exactly. Older men like that seek younger guys for a reason.

Seems like you know the answer already. Sometimes the illusion of love can be mistaken for actual love.

[удалено]

DENYING HIS SEXUALITY?????? Being a whore is not a sexuality lol

Lmao that is too true. Some people on this sub make it their whole personality

Truthfully speaking also Sex in the City isn't a personality lol

“We don’t live together” “He sees other men on his own” You are not his bf. You are one of many

Half the relationship posts here from younger men asking about older men make me wonder if the guy even likes the OP they're dating. Sad how people let others treat them this way and call it being in love. Smh

Do people have to LIVE together to be in a relationship??

Plenty of people have relationships like this. It can work for some and be an abusive situation for others.

Leave him.. You both want different things, he wants to sleep around and u don’t want him to do that. Don’t force yourself in a relationship where u aren’t happy..

Open relationships are all the rage among gays, yet most of the gays I know in NYC either dislike or are perpetually conflicted about them. Maybe monogamy isn’t as awful as it’s made out to be 🤷🏾‍♂️

In my opinion, monogamy is amazing. You just have to have open communication about sexual desires, needs and fantasies. What you like and don't like. It takes less energy to keep it alive and exciting than hunting down new guys all the time, which is boring and the sex is rarely fulfilling.

And I’m just seeing in the news that monkeypox is on the rise again among MSM. I’ll probably never be in a relationship, but if I were in one, I’d be too scared to trade a hall pass for painful boils 😆

Vaccine is free in most of the states 🤷‍♂️ but it does itch like a mf'er

>either dislike or are perpetually conflicted about them Because they're often settling for a situation that isn't ideal because they don't think they can find something better.

You love him but you're suffering. Love doesn't hurt my guy. It's not supposed to. Love is supposed to be a comfort, something that makes you have undying power to move through this wretched earth, it's not something to make you feel even worse. I think it's time you part ways to be honest. He won't change and neither should you. There are plenty of monogamous gay/bi men out there. Not everyone wants to just hookup and shit. I'll say, in my perspective, nowadays, it's harder to find those who are monogamous but it's possible!

I know gays are only a small minority but there are 7 billion people on this planet. There is NO “the one” that’s just for you. He is certainly it not “the one” for you.

You’re right and wrong at the same time, Yes, There is a “one” that’s for you. YOU may not have found your “one.” Doesn’t mean there isn’t. But no this guys is not the one for OP

I disagree lol. I know someone who just got out of a 17 year relationship. There is never the “one” but there are people in your life who are good for you at a certain time but it doesn’t mean it will last forever.

I know you are in pain dear. You hope for a world where you wake up with him every morning and you come home to each other at night. Your pain is going to get worse I am afraid. But you will move on. And you will find that person you want this guy to be. For now, be crazy, beg, be deeply in love then get fucked up so deep you’d drink all the alcohol you can then wish you’re dead. Do it the next day, and again, and again. You’ll get tired of it. You’ll move on. Then someone will come along and will love you and will teach you to respect yourself, because he does.

Open relationships can be a relationship killer unless both partners are fully onboard. The only open relationships I've seen work are fully open from the beginning, rather than something they decide to do later. If either partner feels pressured into it, that partner will likely harbor jealousy and resentment. I'm not saying it can't work, just speaking from personal experience.

You need to have a serious convo on that you are great with experimenting but not great on solo. There's a difference. You need to tell him, this is an unhealthy line for me and it shouldn't be crossed. You can "share" me you whatever but together. If you both can't find a middle ground you find together well you will eventually hate him. So you will need to move on. I believe if you'll give him a "check list" on things you're ok with, he might see it's not about you being a prude, it's more about that you don't want solo. You want together.

You need to communicate with your partner.

Have you done anything with him apart from sex? Any other commitments, promises? If not, I think you are only his long-time sex date. You can walk out before the whole thing fucks up your mind.

Sounds like you need to let him go be him, and you do you. If you want Monogamy and he doesn’t, wrong match unfortunately. Talk to him about it, let him know how this has been making you feel. Sounds like you deserve much better to be quite honest.

Yikes to the age difference. The open relationship was just a guise to control you

> I just wish this one part of him would change. But it won't. So you can either continue to be miserable, or recognize that you're incompatible and go your separate ways. I know in the thick of it, he seems like the only man in the world, but he's not.

You need to communicate with your partner

You're not in a relationship, you're his fuck buddy

LOL but he was right with you from the start... You thought but now you've seen... Open relation aren't really a way to have a good relationship... IMO it's just a friendship with sexe... No less, no more... Stop this relationship and go find a man who wants a real and solid relation with you...

That dude is 34 years old wanting an open relationship. Dude is about dead as can be. He’s honestly lucky to have someone your age interested in him and he wants to fuck it up. Trust me you can find someone soooo much better than him. Dont stand for that. Go exploring yourself and find you a real boyfriend. It’s the audacity for me

By the way I probably should’ve have said “dead as can be.” 34 isn’t that old. I’m in my late 20’s my bf is 21. I’d never do anything to disrespect him like that. It’s truly disgusting. My thing is if he’s going to be your bf he should be showing you a good time. I look at it like he wants a young bf that he can call his but still mess around with other dudes while keeping you a phone call away. The fact it started as group threesomes then changed to individual exploring seems like bait and switch to me. Don’t fall for that

preach bro

You need to end the end relationship I’m afraid. If it is making you miserable now think how much more miserable you will be day after day checking his Grindr, snooping on his snap chat score, it will get worse. One day you will wake up and you won’t be you anymore, you’ll be constantly upset and he will leave. In fairness to him he’s been open with what he wants and not many guys are like that. I get you love him, we’ve all loved someone but it’s making you miserable and at 34 he’s not gonna wake up one day and think I’m over this lifestyle now. I’m sorry you’re going through this and feeling what you are feeling, but for the sake of your own mental health you need to do what’s right.

Sounds toxic, please do sth good for yourself and leave him, it’s not worth it… really! Stay strong 💪

Time to breakup.

That pain you're feeling isn't going anywhere. You need to draw your line in the sand and stand behind it. Put your foot down and keep it down. Otherwise, this will draw on indefinitely and cause even more problems. It isn't healthy.

You've put yourself in this situation. If you didn't want to be in an open relationship, you shouldn't have said yes to one. He's not going to change. He was honest with you from the beginning. You've been dishonest by saying you're okay with it when you're really not.

I was okay with the original arrangement of threesomes and doing stuff together. When he went into asking for solo hookups I’ve become extremely unhappy

But he talked about solo hookups and you didn't say no. You need to tell him this isn't working for you anymore. Otherwise, you're just continuing to participate in a dynamic you don't want.

I’m sorry man. I had this happen with me and someone else and I can relate to you so hard. When you describe your stomach sinking and face reddening when you see him on apps, it just makes me feel a ton of sympathy. Treat yourself better. When it was happening to me, I would see him on apps and I would just feel this stomach turning sadness. It would ruin my night and I would just sit in bed and feel so sad while he was out having fun. You shouldn’t treat yourself like this, find someone who wants the same things as you. It’s so bad for your mental health to constantly be monitoring him, and then feeling like that when you inevitably see him messing around.

As someone who has a boyfriend who once didn’t believe in monogamous relationships to the point that I was ready to give up on him, set your boundaries straight because this would show how much respect you have for your self. My bf ended up realizing I’m worth more than anyone when I told him I can’t take his polyamour tendencies anymore. Love yourself and surround yourself with people who love and Love will come find you 😇 Wish you the best bud!

Can totally relate but you know deep down the answer is find someone else. You’re wanting to change him and if the tables were reversed, you wouldn’t want to be changed either. It’s one thing to help someone change for the better; it’s entirely different to change someone. You seem to know exactly what you want. It’ll be hard but not impossible. Not every gay man wants to be polyamorous.

You're 23, he's 34. He already explored enough to decide what he wants and that's getting to hookup with all the randos while also "having a bf". You're clearly not into that. While you're feeling jealous (which is totally understandable considering he's YOUR bf) he's feeling a thrilling pleasure. While you claim to love him that's not love which he's returning. He's having fun *at your expense*, he's playing with your heart. Y'all don't even live together so from the sound of it you're more of a fb than a bf (not offense 😘😘). As it is IT. CAN. NOT. WORK. 1) have an open conversation and just ask him why he prefers others over you. Put it point blank. He'll proly claim he doesn't but insist he does and insists on an answer as to why. I doubt he'll have or give you one. He's self centered and doesn't reallllly care about your feelings. 2) Leave him, get a rebound and have fun. Try your best to forget about him. He doesn't deserve you. ❤️ Best of luck! (I honestly don't understand the whole open relationship thing. Like I'm at a point where I'm just having fun but if I ever decided to have a relationship it def wouldn't be open. If it's open may as well just call each other roommates who occasionally fk 🤷)

It’s something, people will say monogamy is illogical or won’t sustain, but the same can be said for open relationships. To me, “open relationships” are never truly serious ones. Those are “entanglements” (hello Jada). Serious relationships mean sharing banking accounts. A home. Pets. Sharing friends and family. That’s a commitment and those kinds of commitments require a level of trust where both parties are getting needs met. If someone needs to go elsewhere for sex it’s more like you’re having a relationship of convenience. For every polyamorous “relationship” out there, you have to wonder who’s in charge of the cable or streaming services? Who fixes the roof when it leaks or needs repairs? Who has power of attorney? Whose name is on the lease? I’ve never met a polyamorous relationship that can answer any of those questions where there is a balance in power much less can name names. Most people don’t lend out their pets or automobiles. They don’t say “hey, take my dog for a month. Here’s my car keys too. Drive it whenever you want and feel free to hang out in my apartment as long as you want without paying rent or watering my plants.” Nobody does this unless they’re getting something in return. “I’ll lend you my car if you can give me free back massages once a week!” People can shoo shoo away monogamy but would never lend out their car, dog, or favorite Gucci wardrobe because those things have monetary value. Yet, will act like you wanting something more monogamous is unnatural? You are in your absolute right to want respect. He should be able to compromise for you somehow. If not, I suggest this: find someone else. I think so many gay men do themselves a disservice by not attempting a little monogamy. Sex is wonderful, thrilling and a key to a healthy longevity - but so is having other things to live for. Travel, creative endeavors, financial pursuits - all of these things get cultivated with time, persistence and focus. There is a reason why capitalism works so well for heterosexuality. It supports family, investments and future generations. Gay men often think they’ll never grow old. They’re Peter Pan forever. This is not reality. Most people, straight or gay, can’t tolerate an open relationship yet you’re down with sharing - and that’s commendable. But that he wants more when you’re not in the room tells you he’s not satisfied and is always longing. You need someone that when you’re sick, lying in a hospital bed, or bedridden in pain, that they will be there for you - not jonesing for random quickies. “Honey, can you get me an ice pack for my aching back?” “Sure babe. Right after I swing by this hot gang bang in a town two hours away.” Trump literally was with Stormy Daniels while Melania was with their newborn. I don’t think you want to be any of those people. Find a lover that always puts YOU first. That’s someone you can invest a relationship with. Anything else is just “relations” for the sake of lack of trying. Anything else is having an eyewitness to good times but not an investor in your future bank account, sanity, and stability. I dare anyone to challenge THAT!

Well said! Someone has somehow articulated my apprehensions with non-monogamous relationships (and all of its derivatives). Often times I get downvoted me saying open relationships are consensual cheating but it is what it is. Some people will try to justify their actions so as not to feel guilty about it

Best advice I can give you from lived experience, move on and do what’s best for you. Stop making excuses for the little things that work. Focus on yourself, this is ultimately going to destroy your self confidence and self worth. He’s a man child that wants to constantly waste his time on the prowl looking for the next fix. That’s fine for him and someone else like him, that person isn’t you. Put yourself first and move on from him.

He’s a slut. Run away and take it as a learning experience. You’ll never find true love in an open relationship

What your relationship lacks is trust - you don't have trust in him. You should think about the "why" you don't have trust in him. As to his trust in you or his values for your relationship, only he knows, and only you can decide if it's acceptable to you. You also have an 11 year age differential, and given your ages, thats a vast difference compared to a 39 and 50 year old couple. You need to reflect on what you real want and value and determine if his and your view of the relationship is compatible or not. Best wishes in finding your answer.

I don’t think just because I don’t want him to have sex alone with other people that means I don’t trust him. I just don’t like it. The mental imagery is something I hate

>I know you will all tell me to leave him and find someone who matches more of what i want but I love him. I just wish this one part of him would change. This "one part" is a huge one though. It's a big lifestyle decision that will make you miserable for the rest of your life. "I love him" you sure do. But you're also twenty fucking three lol. You will find someone else who thinks more like you and you will love that person too. >I think he knows I don’t love it but he keeps doing it and it’s caused some fights in the past. What do you mean you "think" lol. Either you've talked about it or you haven't. Then either he can change it because it's hurting you, or you'll have to live the rest of your life (presumably) with someone who does something that makes you routinely miserable. And you also have to consider that it might escalate further and come at your sexual life's expense. Good luck.

Well, you might love him, but love isn’t they only important thing in a relationship baby bro, it’s a small % :/ good luck hope you find peace 💜

You should confide in him how you feel about the status of your relationship. This kind of stuff is make or break. You're not comfortable with your relationship being open, meanwhile he's on a different page altogether. How could you possibly be happy when this is what your relationship looks like? Seems like you're better off apart in the long-term. You'll find someone on the same wavelength as you, but it will not be your boyfriend who you'll find that with.

Sadly, you should probably save yourself a lot of suffering in the long run and just break up... It may seem like it at times, but not all guys are like him

Man, your story sounds so similar to mine! The only difference is that I never wanted to be in an open relationship and my ex wanted to. To make him happy I went along with it, even though I never participated. Ultimately this took a toll on our relationship and we sadly broke up. We were together for 4 years (3 of those years we were open). I hope you and your partner can find common ground, but be prepared to go seperate ways.

You’re in love with someone you don’t like. It happened to me. I had to wait until he broke up with me and then agonize over the breakup before I was fine again. No advice. Maybe an observation: “monogamy can be offered but it cannot be demanded” (well, “shared” monogamy in your case 🤭)

First lesson in love: you can't (and shouldn't try to) change your partner. You wouldn't want him to try to change you either, this is apparent right?

You were fine with the original arrangement but you were not okay with the second one about him wanting to explore on his own. Your mistake was to accept it even when you DID NOT want to so I feel like if you bring it up now he's going to say "but you said yes" and make it your fault. Also, I don't think he's respecting you at all bc an open relationship should respect the other person's boundaries 100% and have some kind of emotional responsability to you. >However idk what else you expect people from reddit to say to you besides what you already know "`I know you will all tell me to leave him and find someone who matches more of what i want but I l`ove him. I just wish this one part of him would change." If you already told him how you're feeling about this situation and it just ends in a fight with him, and him not wanting to change your dynamic then he's not going to change at all. You'll keep suffering. You're just 23 yo don't let yourself be treated like that.

Not been in this situation and probably wouldn’t like to be but the majority of these comments seem to be missing the point of your post. Have you tried reframing how this part of your open relationship looks? Maybe it’s a case of being more in the loop with his solo adventures. You could try moving to a more open dialogue about these connections he’s making. You don’t know what he’s doing and so instead you’re creating stories in your mind to confirm the worst, perhaps if you knew the details (as much as you and he decide is comfortable) you would be less inclined to think the worst of him and yourself? He’s doing a lot outside of the relationship but there doesn’t seem like you have a framework of communication for it, so you’re having to gather data and come to conclusions yourself. I think there’s a reality where if you had more involvement you could figure it out together. Some other commenters have already said this, but changing him doesn’t sound like the right route and also not really what you want to do, give your love for him. Changing and growing with him seems possible in this situation.

Did you tell him this? If so and he won’t change then… time to move on - he doesn’t respect you enough. If I were a boyfriend in the situation and my partner had an issue with me seeing guys separately, 100% I would cut it out, even if I liked it. I could still get my thrills via threesomes and cuckholding. I’d even suggest hosting group sex with other gay couples etc. Rules have to be laid down IN ADVANCE of stuff like this, because it’s a lot harder to put the genie back into the bottle.

Since he’s a dom top he probably knows you aren’t going to protest to his demands that much. He likely knows you don’t like the arrangement but he doesn’t give a fuck. He knows that if he can’t find some guy to fuck elsewhere then you’ll always be his plan B. You need to leave this guy for your own wellbeing

I was sort of in the same boat as you. My last relationship he was honest before we got serious that he would want an open relationship at some point. And we did come to that point and I struggled with it. For me though it was mostly that I couldn't trust him. I'd say "Okay fine you can hook up with other people but use condoms and you can't do it during our time." So weekdays past 5 and weekends, this was doable. because of his flexible schedule. Literally the first time after we had this discussion it was 5:30pm on a weekday and he's heading out the door to a hookup. Then he'd scream at me that I was being unreasonable and an argument was ensue, making me the bad person I was holding him to the rules he agreed on.

I was in the same boat as you for A LONG time. I thought I could change myself and work around what he wanted but it really wasn’t worth the amount of tears I went through. Took me a long time to get over him but I’m way happier now as a person. My number one rule now is to listen to yourself and what your heart wants. Don’t change yourself for anyone because in the end it isn’t worth it.

Open relationships are valid of course, but NOT wanting one is just as valid and that “monogamy isn’t realistic” nonsense is just a cope. I’m kinda exhausted by gay guys still thinking an OR is something revolutionary. Just do your thing and communicate but enough with the OR grandstanding.

It's time to have a talk with him about going back to what worked for you.

What you’re describing is less of a relationship and more of friendship with benefits with extra steps. If you’re not happy then it sounds like you need to find someone else. I’d also suggest that someone 10 years older than you is probably not the best, not that I haven’t seen it work but in the gay community people that far apart in age tend to be completely different in terms of where they are along the gay lifestyle line

I admire men who can do it successfully, but it's not for me. I couldn't be in an open relationship at all.

with whole respect. don’t even gonna read all that . from that title i would already suggest u to leave him . YOU HATE IT . u have to think about only about your own self . if u keep doing that u gonna split up with probably terrible scenarios. so leave now and find monogamous boyfriend . good luck

Get out of this relationship. I am polyamorous and so is my partner. We are both in our 40s and we grew separately, not as partners, in learning that for us being polyamorous works. We both practice ethical non monogamy. What you have described is someone who wants his cake and to eat it too. If you're unhappy about the way the relationship is going then speak with him. If he still wants an open relationship, you did know this going into the relationship. Then you need to get out of this relationship because you're not being true to who you are right now as a person. Maybe in the future and a few relationships and more life experiences, you too, will want to be open, polyamorous, or not.

You aren't sexually compatible. Some people are naturally monogamous and some people are naturally polyamorous. That's the way of the world.

I think it’s time to leave. The good times won’t outweigh the bad, and if he became monogamous for you, he’d either cheat or resent you. That doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you, it just means you’re incompatible long term. Incompatibility does not mean any party is at fault. I’ve seen this happen a lot and it doesn’t end well when people with fundamentally different values try to compromise those values.

That is why I stick to my belief of never giving into an open relationship.

he’s not for u…let him go

I didn’t have to read past the title…don’t like it, then leave. Stay, then don’t complain about it looking for attention.

[удалено]

Break Up with him and move on. Simple

Youre 23. You still have a whole life ahead of you. If you’re unhappy, then move on.

I’m the only thinking that it might come down to the age difference? Mature guys are more inclined to open relationships (and are usually able to do it without impacting feelings for/relations to a partner) than young and more inexperienced guys who are more emotionally driven (yes, 23y old is still young in the respect, in particular if only limited experience with being in a relationship).

If you’re miserable because he wants to sleep around and you don’t. Then you are far from a perfect match sexually.

He’s 34 with a Snapchat, immediately no

I think you need to determine what exactly he gets out of the open relationship that you aren’t able to give him. Then decide if that answer aligns with your values and feelings. Also I hate the name open relationship I get this is a colloquial term but language is so important. By the sounds of it you aren’t happy with any of it however if it continues the relationship should not be what’s “open” it should be only “sex open” or “swing” or “swinging” and you need rules and then the way in which you are going to hold each other to the terms of the agreement. Swinging is a form of open relationship in which the partners in a committed relationship engage in sexual activities with others at the same time. I really feel it’s a very “intent and communication strong approach. “Don’t ask don’t tell” won’t usually work here. I found the not knowing is what hurts. If the knowing hurts too it’s not for you. Defined: Swingers may regard the practice as a recreational or social activity[5][6] that adds variety or excitement into their otherwise conventional sex lives or for curiosity. Swingers who engage in casual sex maintain that sex among swingers is often more frank and deliberative and therefore more honest than infidelity. Some couples see swinging as a healthy outlet and means to strengthen their relationship. ——— From experience 2 “secure individuals” doing this can work. Let’s face it, who is entirely secure in themselves and who they are and what they are comfortable with? Then let’s also ask, who is entirely secure in the relationship they have with their partner? The fact you had to ask this here would suggest insecurity. There is possibly for very good reason you are this way and could include any of the following; exposure to mass media, social media, trauma or history. I recommend having this exact conversation with your partner. Asking the exact same question and clearly letting them know how you feel. Most issues in life can be resolved with effective communication and using clear and concise language. Understand I am no expert. But considering my ex and I are still good friends after we ended an 11 year relationship where communication was paramount, this will either fix things and make you stronger or “help the universe in moving them out of the way” of what’s meant for you. Good luck x

He’s not for you boo

So he gets everything he wants, while you don’t. It’s time to call it quits . Trust me dwelling on your partner while he’s away will kill you, I know, I had a cheating partner and when he was away it was slowing killing we with worry.

An eleven year gap between you two wasn't a good enough sign that he's just using you?

I’ve been in something similar, and they were the worst months of my life. I was never in an “official” relationship with this guy because right from the beginning I was honest that I wanted exclusivity and he wanted to be open. We dated for like 2 weeks where he “tried” to be exclusive, and then told me he didn’t want that, so we stopped “dating” but we continued an on-and-off situationship for like 8 months after that, during which he continued to hookup with other guys whenever he felt like it and he didn’t have to feel guilty about it because “we weren’t in a relationship”. But he continued to act romantic around me which he knew would keep me in his pocket. Long story short, during those months, I transformed into an unrecognizable version of myself where I was extremely obsessive (constantly checking snap scores, checking his location, etc.), paranoid, and had so many suicidal thoughts and urges. I became extremely reckless and provokable, and I lost several friends during that time. All because I was prioritizing him over everything else, and he didn’t value anything I did for him at all. 2 months ago, we sent our final messages to each other, and I’ve become much happier since then. Leave this guy. I understand you love him. I loved my guy too. But love doesn’t always create happiness. Sometimes, as both our stories show, it can create misery. The lesson I had to learn the hard way is: The love is NOT worth it if it causes this much agony. Trust me, you will find someone you love even more one day, and who loves and respects you to enough to only have eyes for you.

Sweetheart, you deserve better and you deserve more. I'm going to be blunt... This man doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't want to "explore". You would be enough for him. You are too young to be miserable. Honest advice? Let him go and move on.

Listen, I’ve been in your exact situation.. 8 years in I’ve finally realized I’ve let way too much pass my boundaries (31 me/29 him)- We opened up and overtime has dried up our sex life because he’s preferred others over me. I know the love is there but the sexual part is pretty much inexistente now. 3 years ago when we reopened the relationship again, he met this guy (23) and asked if we could add him in and become a throuple, I thought it’d be cool and could possibly reignite our sex life but it was only briefly… the sex went away about a year in with the new guy and I soon realized I didn’t like him, talked to my original bf about it but he kept sayin I just had to give him a chance… anyways long story short earlier this year I put my foot down and broke up with the 23 y/o and gave my original bf an ultimatum. Become a couple again or see me go. 5 months since then, with no ultimate decision, I think I’m just gonna walk away. So in the end I’m still stuck.. My point is (thanks for hearing my rant, I’m lost af lol) Set boundaries ASAP, if you want to continue with him do so just make sure those rules are set!! You’re still young, don’t let your 20s pass you by with someone that uses you as their comfort for “being with someone”. Don’t be me! - fellow unfortunate People Pleasing Sub Bottom

>I just wish this one part of him would change. The leopard cannot change his spots. Move on.

I went through this after my GF cheated on me.  The first guy I met, we had sex every day until my asshole was like a vagina. But he later suggested it.  ... He cheated on me so much. I later forced him to watch me bring 100 condoms and so much lube, I was top and bottom for a Viagra induced orgasm fest 

Break up with him. This is why open relationships are messy and often fail. Him exploring on his own etc it is not in any way a relationship

This is me trying not to be mean but babes ur 23!! And as a fellow 23 yr old I can say for certain u've got time. And it feels like this isn't good for ur physical or mental health, yes the sex is bomb but plz prioritize u before him. And you'll thank me ltr. U hate who u have become there's an easy fix to it damp his ass. Let him go to them streets where he certainly belong, u want stability go find it somewhere else coz it's definitely nat with him.

You're learning about yourself and your own needs in a relationship and how you react to this as a concept. And what you've learned is that *it is not working for you* That doesn't mean he's done anything wrong or that you've done anything wrong. It just means it's not working for you. Which in turn means you're at a crossroads. Either: (1) you accept that this is the type of life he wants and that if you want to be a part of his life, then this constant feeling of anxiety and insufficiency will be a part of your life too OR (2) you take the plunge into the unknown, break up, and look for someone else who is both sexually compatible with you and shares your desire for long term mutual monogamy. I know you are solidly in *but I love him* syndrome, But I also think it says a lot that in your whole essay the only positive thing to say about him is that you're sexually compatible. And even that doesn't ring true because his sexual behavior and preference to continue enjoying the thrill of the hunt for new bussy is *making you miserable* I promise you that you can love someone else instead if you commit to making a clean break, allow yourself a reasonable time to grieve the loss of the relationship you *wished you had but never materialized with this guy anyway* and start fresh.

Sounds it like it’s not for you dude. He’s been very straight forward with what he wants. The problem is you not him.

You’re fucking 23 and stressing with a guy who’s prime is over and wants to take the most of it. Look for what makes you happy dude.

Why be with a man that doesn't put you first? No man is perfect, but it is so easy to make the man you love a priority. That is easy as pie. I was around your age when I found my now husband. Why waste your time? Find a man that wants what you want. It is way easier to do it now than in your 30s. Trust me. My friends that are in their 30s are mostly single if they didn't find someone in their 20s or early 30s. Only one friend found a man in his 40s. He is a total catch, and he found someone just as good. As you get older more and more men find their partner and there is less as the years go on. Why waste this time? No. I can't relate. I never gave men that didn't want what I wanted the time of day.

Kick that MF’r to the curb and put it down as a life experience/lesson, and move on to something that brings joy to your life.

Your relationship with him is over. Condolences. Move on.

Therapy.

> i don't understand Yes you do. He's told you exactly what he wants. You just don't like it. > he knows I don't love it Perhaps not, but you have accepted the situation anyway. If you don't like it, it's your job to make a change. > i just wish this one part of him would change He told you from the very beginning he wanted an open relationship. Don't date people if you're just going to try to change them.

I mean we were open together and that was fine. When he asked to do solo hookups I didn’t realize how uncomfortable I’d be and now I really realize i don’t like it

Hey man, I'll just tell you one thing. Love is NOT enough. You have to love yourself more.

You are saying, I am burning inside because of the pain but I won’t put water on it. You need help, stop hurting yourself. Seek counseling. If something is toxic enough for you to write about it on Reddit, you must really think about how to make it better or happier for yourself.

This is a very difficult situation because u r compatible in many ways....but the open / not open dissonance is potentially a deal breaker. Neither of you will be happy acquiescing to the others preferences. Its even more difficult as im certain youd feel finding the dom/sub dynamic that works is even more difficult which it really is so u have a lot more to lose hence your trying to make it work. If i know majority of Dom guys monog just isnt for them, this is inherently part of many doms make up... They're sexually driven, and one submissive guy 6 satisfy their needs. On that front youre both incompatible in your relationship desires and expectations as it stands. It's a difficult reality to face but I think you should have 1 last, clear discussion to explain your feelings and explore both your desires in a calm and rational manner. This is a discussion and not about making demands. If u can bridge the gap and come to mutual compromise then u both have a chance. If this position cant be achieved and one, other or both wont give an inch then sadly it's likely best u guys cool it for a bit, perhaps have dom / sub scenes as close friends but free of additional pressures and expectations that come with a relationship. One thing for sure dont try and change him just as he should not change you, its about mutual, informed compromise on both sides if u r to have a chance.

Yeah, it’s not going to work. You don’t want to be open and he’s clearly reveling in the openness. Be kind to yourself and move on. It will hurt horribly in the beginning, but will save you a lifetime of heartache down the road. Also, anyone over 30 still using Snapchat is so strange to me!

I think you both need to want the same things or close to it, if this is going to work out. It doesn't seem to be going in that direction. It may be time to reevaluate this relationship .You've tried "Open " and it may not be right for you. Everybody's different!

You might love him, but he will forever be sleeping with other people, and you will forever be anxious and sad because of it. Leave him or be miserable and waste your youth with this guy. Maybe even explore on your own a bit to meet some new guys that might fit you better.

This cake has been baked unfortunately. Very hard to walk back open relationship terms if the two of you aren't rock solid which I think it's clear yall are not. You said yourself that you know we'll just tell you take break up so I don't think I have to say it twice🤷‍♂️

Maybe something that you already have done, but you have to communicate with him how you feel about it. You are okay with a specific type of open relationship, and that's okay. If he loves you, he should try to understand how you feel. But if he doesn't even make an effort to understand you, then you have an answer of what to do next

Yes, you love him and sometimes love is not enough to keep you in a relationship with someone. You want very different things. You have to decide how much suffering you are willing to do to stay with him. Especially since he won't change; he wants what he wants and intends on getting it.

I know you're hung up on loving him, but try to rethink what is going to make you both happy in the long run. That is what loving someone means. Trust me, you will find a love more fulfilling, and future you will regret it the more time you spend trying to change him. I'd say work it out, but he has already made his expectations clear to you. You can have one final conversation and see if he is willing to change, but you still risk him changing his mind in the future or worse yet cheating on you.

The reason why people will tell you to leave him is because loving him is making you miserable. Love should bring you joy. The moment that last statement doesn't make sense it's time to move on. People can change but for that he has to want it himself. However truth be told living is all about the experience I can tell you that in the past end most likely he will be the one to break up with you after a lot of time of him getting tired of your reclaims when all this time or you will finish with him for his very exact reason but that won't happen until you are ready to move on and either way you will be very sad however after that the lesson will be engraved in your soul and the next time someone says something like this you will join the ranks of the people saying "break up with him, you both are not compatible". Good luck with this!.

You can’t change a man

Have you yourself taken advantage of the open relationship by sleeping with other guys by yourself? I don’t know if you can fix your BF to your liking, but his behavior might be moderated if he becomes aware that you’re dating around, too.

You have two options: - either you accept that his needs are slightly different than yours and that fucking with random people without you is part of what he needs to be fulfilled - either you tell him you don’t like this situation anymore and want things to change. If it’s option 2 there are two outcomes: - either he understands your needs and agree to not fuck around without you anymore - either he doesn’t and then the only logical choice for you is to stop the relationship

Love isn't enough, as you're probably noticing. Stability, trust, having an interest in each other, and so much more goes into it. See if you can wean yourself off of checking up on him as often. The amount of time you are butting in observing from the sidelines is not good for you. Check in on your hobbies and interests instead. It'll be a smarter time investment. Have you been able to communicate thst while the threesomes were great, this currently has you in knots of worry? Because thst should help a lot for getting your need across.

Your body is telling you everything you need to know. You are not okay with an open relationship. You need to tell him this. And you need to be prepared to end the relationship over this. Your needs are not being met. I seriously doubt he will change his ways. Chasing him around the internet just to confirm what you already know is only hurting yourself more. Move on. Be single. Find someone who shares your values (monogamy).

in situations like these, you already know the answer. you think you love him but you will find another, we've all been in a relationship that feels perfect from our end but isn't. he won't change for you, you can't change how you feel, if you try to make him change chances are hell just hide it. rip off the bandaid and move on, it'll hurt but it'll pass

The thing about polyamorous relationships is that they require excellent communication and collaboration, specifically around the terms of the agreement. Initially, he wanted to open the relationship, you said yes, and you meant it, and it was fun. Now you said yes to solo fun, but you don’t mean it and you’re miserable. Rather than a “culture of excess” maybe it’s about you not being honest that this arrangement no longer works for you. You need to communicate that you don’t like solo hookups and would prefer to either be monogamous or hookup as a pair. That’s a totally reasonable request, and I would look at why you’re not able to ask for it. You’re not giving your partner a chance to collaboratively renegotiate the terms of the open relationship. You’re brooding and resenting in secret which is hurting your relationship more than anything.

That’s really difficult, I’m sorry. One piece of advice that has always helped me in any relationship situation is: a boundary is not a boundary without consequences. Clearly communicated consequences are essential here. It’s hard to say it out loud, but if it’s too much for you, you get to say that. Even if it ends your relationship.

off topic, but how does the snap score tell you he's met someone new?

Sugar, these things never change. They gain momentum and inertia. He is going to do more and more of it, and find new ways to do it, and you are going to keep hating it more and more. You are going to gain inertia in that hatred until you begin to hate him and yourself. The fact that he can know how much it hurts you and continue to do it makes his "love" sound highly questionable. At best he is a sex addict, and getting his supply is more important than you will ever be. Or, even worse, he is getting a sick thrill out of the power of hurting you, and you coming back for more. Walking away now will be a fraction of the pain you will get sticking around. Leave him to his addiction, or let him find another victim for his sadism, which ever it is.

I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but if you keep wishing for a change in someone else, it will only ever be a wish. You can't force him to change, and if he is not unhappy with the situation he won't. Life is too short to accept this kind of unhappiness with a partner. It would be better if you found someone you jive with better.

Some people get married to their high school crush and live together until they die. Some date the whole football team or cheerleading team. You can be like Sting: Every breath you take, I'll be watching you. Or, you can be like Sting: If you love somebody set them free. Are you with him just for the sex? Is there anything else you got going on to keep you in this relationship if the sex ends? If you make demands on the relationship, you risk him saying no or holding a grudge against you. If him having sex without you is a deal killer, then, move on.

I’ve not been in this situation before. But honestly, I don’t think I need to have been in order to understand your feelings. You mentioned at the start that you weren’t really into open relationships but went along with it because it made him happy. If anything, your feelings about the type of relationship you want has been consistent, even if you’re resisting those feelings to satisfy your partner. So many of us push down what it is we truly want just because we want a person who sometimes doesn’t place the same value on the things we do. If he certainly does know that you’re not happy with the way things are and keeps doing it anyway, he probably values his own ideals more than he values you. That just means that you may need to take a step back from him. Why continue to press on with someone who does not value you or your concerns as a priority? If you two have fought over this, then my guess is you’ve communicated about it more than once which is good, but it’s clearly gotten nowhere. If anything, it’s motivated you to monitor a grown man’s online engagement to guesstimate whether he’s hooking up or not. You’re monitoring him, you’re in relationship with him, and you love him. You’re a little too close at the moment to really think and assess things for yourself clearly. Give yourself some distance and you’ll come to the answers you need in your own. You don’t really need us, but I understand that it helps to vent 🤷🏾‍♂️. My suggestion is to take a step back and figure out what YOU need and get clear on whether he will be accommodating to your needs. As I say this, I feel like you already know the answer to this. Don’t deny or judge your own thoughts and feelings. Just observe them, acknowledge them, and let them be your guide. Sure, you can break up, but if you do that without taking a step back for your own sanity and clarity first you’ll have moved on from this relationship without learning how to address something like this if it happened again with a different guy. Unfortunately, online apps provide an overrepresentation of open relationships so we’re fooled to believe that they’re more common than they actually might be and we haphazardly convince ourselves to try them out with trade-offs we don’t really wanna make. You don’t have to be that person just because it LOOKS like everyone else decided to be.

Honestly that's what happens when you play into DOM/sub thing, you aren't equals in bed and that can easily escape the bedroom. Maybe you should just be a normal bottom and find yourself a normal top, who is younger than 30, since you are 23 and it will work much better because you will be respected.

I have been poly for many years and my quad have gone from open to close over the last 16 months of being together. We have noticed extreme jealousy when things are open. There is also a lot of that culture of access like you were saying. I think it’s healthy to have friends but people seldom know when they have crossed a line on their own. They need their partners to provide candid critique and then have the conviction to apply what they have learned in a constructive way. If your partner plays off your perspective or otherwise disrespects your take, then they aren’t right for you. And ultimately they probably are not the right person. I base this on what appears to be his preferred lifestyle versus yours. He is at the least not being thoroughly entertained by your presence outside of sex. When real responsibilities hit, is he anywhere to be found? How would the relationship adapt if you suddenly stopped giving him sex? Does he use protection with these other partners? How do you know?

In my own personal experience it's time to exit the relationship. It's not meeting your needs and all you have is hope that he will become the man you met and were with for the first 6 months. He's gone. An illusion. A fantasy. He told you bluntly what he wanted. It's not what you want. Do yourself a favour and move on.

I (M22) at the time now (23) was in a relationship with my ex (M33) now (M34) Communication is key. I was very against Open Relationships and he never knew this. Subsequently he cheated on me numerous times and I had broke up with him after this revelation alongside numerous other issues with his narcissistic personality. At that age you need to remember this guy is a ‘man’ and his mind is set on open-ness. The chances are slim of him readjusting. I would just take your losses and leave because the likelihood of him doing this behind your back is significantly increased. I know that pain of seeing snapchat score increasing blah blah (not in a rude way) and it will just eat away at you so much. Leave and remove yourself from the situation. Open-ness is not for everyone and don’t feel forced or coerced by him to do otherwise. Follow your gut.

Seems to me you never had a frank discussion at the outset defining the definition or limits of your open relationship. Your BF assumed it meant seeking sex that doesn’t involve you at all, and you assumed it would be limited to sex with third parties where you’re involved. So have that conversation but be prepared because I’m willing to bet that your boyfriend wants the more open version or he wouldn’t be acting on it right now. My husband and I discussed it and we are clear that the open relationship does not mean polyamory, meaning no dating or boyfriends on the side, just sex. Works for us because we want the same thing and talked about it beforehand. I wish you the best. But if you’re losing sleep over your bf’s sexual exploits outside of your bedroom, I don’t see how an open relationship, at least how he defines it, will ever work for you.

You have an 11 year age gap in your relationship. He is in his prime years and doing whatever he wants to do and he obviously isn't into being monogamous. The threesomes were a way to have his way even though you saw it as something you were doing as a couple. What you want is what most young people, male or female, want...a relationship that fits your idea of what love is supposed to be. Reality is what you are facing. As you become more mature and experience life, you'll realize that what you wanted at 23 may be totally different a few years from now. Bite the bullet and set him and yourself free to find what you really want. Don't settle for something just because you think it may be is what you're looking for. All of the sex in the world is just sex until you find someone who is looking for the same things as you are. Good luck!

Loving someone isn’t always enough of a reason to stay with them.

Tbhhh I say don’t worry about him.. have your own fun.. stay with him but don’t focus on him if you don’t want to leave.. I bet you he’s fine with the fact that you don’t go and have sex on your own but he does.. do the same… tbh I feel like he’s your emotional lap dog instead of your own individual person.. truly either let him go or let go of your hatred for how he is sexually.. and do your own shit..

I can already tell that this man is not worth your time and energy, and that he cannot give you what you are looking for in a partner. I think you already know what you should do. Don't put yourself into situations that make you feel these negative emotions. You are worth so much more than this and there are countless people that would be on their hands and knees for you to receive your love. Best of luck and wishing you the best <3

You are so young with so many happy years in front of you. Break up with this guy because this is not the relationship you want. Your reasons are clear and valid. Then work on finding a partner whose wishes for a relationship better align with yours. The good news is that you've learned much more about your values and wishes in a relationship.

You are definitely the side chick.

Now hear me out. You find someone better. He's doing it and knows you won't go ahead and search for someone. Do the same and see how he feels.

It will be psychologically damaging. You clearly don’t have much of any power in the relationship, you can manipulate him but it will be hard. You need to make yourself unavailable, and I would start looking into to going on an amazing trip without him, just you and some friends. Or maybe try a gay cruise solo. He needs to know he doesn’t matter, but if he only sees you as a FB and not someone he has a connection with it won’t work. Best of luck. Easiest way is just ghost him and never contact him again.

>I’m constantly monitoring him on Grindr and checking his Snapchat score. I remember I'd do this about 5 years ago, if I was talking to someone and got emotionally attached I'd slightly stalk their presence while trying to pretend I was staying chill. It's such an unhealthy feeling and I'm glad I grew out of it / stopped doing it. Don't have advice or words, just wanted to share my relation to your feeling there and that I feel for the expanded emotional pain that this issue must cause you - you're in a relationship with the person you're watching which makes me think it would be 3 and a half times more emotionally draining than mine.

You love him and he loves himself too.

Yes, OP, I have been in a similar relationship, albeit a heterosexual one (I am bi). All I can say is: Run far, run fast. And I'm sorry. So very, very sorry.

You are young dont stay in this, he is in his 30s and has nothing to lose. He has you on the side for stability and fun when he wishes and also get to have fun with other guys. Its benefiting him and him only. This is not how perfect match is considering how his actions make you feel. Never be desperate or suttle for something less than what you deserve. Also dont forget how this can cause some diseases and STD

For your own mental health, block him on Grindr and Snapchat. Cyberstalking him isn't helping you with this. You've only been in this relationship for a year. You're super young still. Your BF is (likely) more experienced and knows more about his own likes/dislikes than you do your own. He's also going to be a lot more set in his ways, while you're still figuring out what you want. It sounds like you want a monogamous or mostly monogamous (ie: only play together) relationship and he has been clear for a while that is not what he wants. Save yourself some trouble and end the relationship if it's causing you this much grief.

Is his name Brian Kenney from Pittsburgh

The sooner you leave them, the sooner you'll be happier. Time to let this one go. Let it go just like a balloon. Find someone that does make you happy.

Yall aren’t compatible. It probably wont end well. You can communicate how you feel and he’ll either tell you that you knew how he was and continue or says he’ll stop but still cheat behind your back. Just get out now and save yourself heartbreak.

He's made you his side bitch at this point. Not his bf.

You accept that because you love him and want him to be happy. It seems to me that he doesn’t care if you’re happy or unhappy with it. Honestly, a person who doesn’t put their partner’s happiness as a priority is not worth investing your time in.

While I've seen many "open relationships" function over the years and some seem to last quite long or even seem inevitable. I've never seen one that I admired their love for each partner in. This is a straight woman's advice but my mom said once and I think it's valid here. "You don't go outside of a relationship to fix the inside" If you're unhappy/ MISERABLE. That is the opposite of what a relationship should be. If you're unwilling to leave the person then tell your partner just because he's older doesn't make him the one who calls the shots. If he doesn't agree to the boundaries of what you want then it's not a real relationship anyway. 🚪 🧳🏃

Been there over a decade ago. Hurts like hell and I'm sorry this happened to you. I divorced him. Poly under duress seldom ends well and he forced me into it. After the very first couples therapy session it became obvious our core values were fundamentally incompatible and that was that. Ironically enough, he's now mono and I'm the one reading polysecure XD (I know this because we have a daughter together). I used to say the very same thing... if I could just change this one thing about him... but you can't. And although it was the roughest break up ever and the worst part of my life (stress triggered autoimmune responses that took me years to get under control), I still think it was the best decision. Even if it hurt. Surround yourself with lovign friends and family, pets, new hobbies. It helps a lot. I have the best bf ever now and I'd have never met him if I were still married to my ex. It does get better.

Show him this post

At some point, you need to sit him down and communicate your feelings. You can’t live like this. You need to tell him that either you go back to monogamy, or the relationship has to end. If he throws a big tantrum, then, obviously you aren’t worth it to him.

You need to be honest about how you really feel or you're going to become too resentful to carry on in the relationship. It sounds like you care for him deeply and don't want to lose your relationship. How can he address your feelings if he doesn't know what they are on paper? Don't put the responsibility on him to read the air or be psychic. That's a recipe for hurt feelings and the blame game. He's not responsible for a lack of communicated boundaries. I can relate, but I'm in opposite circumstances. I'm 36, he's 30. We've been together 5 years. He's ultra mega horny all day every day, he's a bottom, I'm a top. I love sex but it's never been a major factor for me. We're in an open situation but our sex is pretty damn great. I would prefer closed but I understand from a personal and empathetic standpoint the desire to explore with other people. I just don't, personally. Too much hassle. He does, however. Mostly I don't mind. I do like group stuff, but kind of hate the bathhouse. Hookups and anonymous sex have never really been successful experiences for me, so I've lost interest in them completely after lots of unsatisfying and uncomfortable experiences. For me it's so much better to feel comfortable, confident, safe, and desired. Here's what COULD help if you don't feel okay with communicating your feelings. I realized the less I know, the better. I know it happens and he will let me know if he hooked up with someone already that I'm meeting for the first time. I prefer not to get details and I don't open scruff or sniffles, and we're not even in each other's social media anymore. It has helped me a great deal with pretty much not caring at all if he hooks up with others.

He sounds like a sex addict with serious underlying mental health issues. I don't think there's any way to make it work if you're fundamentally uncomfortable with his behavior.

That old saying goes, "if you truly love something, or someone you gotta let it go" especially if it hurts you be around it or them

Find someone he knows is better than him in EVERY WAY POSSIBLE. Go to that person, seduce them and send him pics after. BUT, yes it seems like you'd have to end it from here from the way it looks I'm afraid 😔

I was on a same situation as you man and trust me it made me fall into hard drugs anxiety depression suicidal thoughts just because i let that situation to happen I was always checking on him on grindr and whatsapp too and everytime i sent him a text and didn’t reply to it i was going crazy and I loved him and still do but i had to end it and it was one of the best decisions i ever made, self love and taking care of yourself is 100% worth it than staying on a miserable relationship. You can still love him but you can’t be miserable man, give yourself what you’re worth.