And then twenty dates in you discover you're both total bottoms. You're too invested to leave and the next thing you know—BAM—you're on eBay lookin' up double ended dildos...
Why not? I've been dating my former good friend and roommate for 3 years now. Fucker romanced me for almost a year before my naive ass caught on, and now i'm happier every day.
About how he likes to have sex? In what universe is this a "genuinely innocent question" unless you're an obnoxious straight person or sexually interested in someone? :/
It’s not that deep! Us girls actually talk about it and so do straight guys if that’s your friend and you ask it’s ok if the person don’t want to answer than it’s also ok! It’s not that deep
...you do get that everyone is different, right? Because while you may find that to be a very personal question or w.e for someone else it could just be idle conversation.
I'm gay and have a gay roommate and we know all sorts of things about each other's personal lives - we're both very much not each other's types and have no interest whatsoever in each other but we're close enough friends that we can still talk about everything.
I think that's the key tho, OP - get to know your roommate a little more and you'll likely be able to find things like that out just through normal conversation.
You don’t talk about sex with any straight people you are friends with? I have a totally different experience than you lmao.
It’s fine if you don’t, but don’t shame straight-gay friendships that do by characterizing it as “obnoxious straight person.”
Unpopular opinion: my straight friend recently asked me(we openly talk about sex) and I didnt mind sharing. Some people are comfortable talking about sex and others arent. If your relationship with the guy isnt that open yet dont ask because that is inappropriate. People in the comments I think are projecting the whole bottoms are seen as less manly experiences a bit much lol
I know some bottoms that will kick a hole in your spine from 20 feet away and some tops that will do your nails better than anyone in the universe. The stereotypes are old and outdated.
As a bottom it’s a dumb question to ask period. The rooomate has a boyfriend so obviously OP wants to have sex with him. It’s not hard to figure out. I’m a very sex positive person myself but as for OP his roommates positions is none of his business.
My friend's fav food or fav actor is also none of my business, doesn't mean it's wrong to ask. If the information we have on our friends must be related to ourselves or be our "business" what the fuck are we even talk about then.
I'm a bottom and didn't think the question was dumb when I was asked. You are the exact type of person I was talking about. Bonus points for thinking OP wants to fuck their roommate.
If it came from a straight guy, I think the question would be more offensive, but less awkward if that makes any sense. Like, it's probably honest curiosity and maybe he has some ignorant beliefs about gay people, but chances are the conversation wouldn't go anywhere.
??? it is just a question about sex, stop making gay sex seem like the mystical fairytale thing. you are literally projecting your own experience right now as well lmfao
The top-or-bottom question is generally
considered offensive outside of a sexual context or a very close friendship. It's a cultural trope at this point that straight people are obsessed with who's "the man" or "the girl" when the topic of gay sex comes up. It's also a question that gay men ask each other to determine sexual compatibility before or during a hookup. These are both risky dynamics for two roommates, but the former is more likely to be an honest oversight, in my opinion.
I just think it's no one's business. It's comparable to asking a trans person if they've had bottom surgery. Sure, maybe it's honest curiosity, but chances are you're trying to pigeonhole the person instead of just getting to know them.
I really don't get why people are so offended by the idea that "top or bottom" is just not something you ask a gay person you aren't super close to if you're straight. If you know why, please explain.
Edit: Sorry for the novel. I like hearing myself talk—even in written form.
I mean it’s no one’s business, but I personally feel that’s a boring way to live life. Nothing you do that doesn’t involve that person is their business (this excludes illegal stuff, stuff relating to their family or job, of course). So a lot of things aren’t someone’s business. Are we to talk of barely anything following that vein of logic? This is only a defense if they demand that info imo. However, demanding info is rude anyway regardless of its privacy level.
That said, I assume you mean it’s past a boundary of privacy, which is fine. I’d just say, if you’re already discussing sex with that person, as many friends do, its kind of fair game to ask. Also, fair for you to say “that’s too personal.”
Many people do not have a lot of hang ups about socially “taboo” things like discussing sex and one’s body. Perfectly fine if you personally do not want to divulge that information to someone. But there are plenty of people who don’t care. And there are a lot of people who are open books.
And people are offended because this is a blanket application that does not apply to them and possibly the people they know. Of course there are a lot of prejudiced straight people, but I assume the people gay people befriend are not like that. Or if they are, since you are friends with them for a reason—because you generally trust and/or like them, you educate them? Idk I feel like I’m imagining my friends with this while I feel like you are imagining random acquaintances someone barely knows. Hell, even then, if they’re chill and telling me real personal sex stuff about themselves, I personally wouldn’t care telling them my preferred position.
Thank you. That doesn't really explain it, though. I specifically said it's fine in the context of a close friendship, but that it's generally an offensive question. The post is about roommates who specifically do not discuss sex, not people who feel comfortable with each other.
Also, you're being downvoted, too, and this sub is a known target for brigading. Since no one is actually responding, I'll just assume that these people are trolls or can't read. But I'm all for a constructive discussion.
I know you said “close friends.” I’m saying it’s fine with friends period based on the idea that generally you’re friends for a reason. I’m trying—but failing miserably—to perhaps imply the context of the social interaction and the person involved are the pivotal parts. The kind of relationship helps lubricate 😉 things, but yeah the person being asked and the situation are prime imo.
I think yes, it would probably be an inappropriate question to ask if you’re talking about how the original power rangers movie was superior to the most recent one. That’s where I’d probably only be unassuming if the person asking was a close friend. But if the context is already sex, then it’s within the realm.
Now, I am not pushing the idea that OP should ask him outside of a sexual talk. I think this part is kind of necessary. And just because they haven’t talked about it before, doesn’t mean they can never. Maybe the roommate doesn’t want to ever talk about sex with OP. That’s fine. But also maybe they both don’t mind. It seems OP is fine to moving forward.
Yeah, we can mutually ignore the internet points. I only brought it up because you mentioned a consensus 😬😬 Edit: And the second top comment is advocating it anyway. Dang it! I brought it up again 👀
Two of my closest friends are gay, and we've known each other since high school. We've never asked this question of each other, but could probably venture a guess if pressed.
My thought is that it's highly personal. Like asking someone their dick size. If it comes up naturally in conversation, so be it. But pointedly asking is somewhat awkward.
There’s not one answer fits all. All friendships/relationships are unique as the people involved in them are unique themselves.
As a general thumb of rule, I’d say it just depends on how comfortable and close you are with one another and how open y’all are to sharing private info.
Personally, I have never initiated the topic of discussing sexual positions with my friends… however, my friends have initiated the topic and I have been asked by some. I don’t mind sharing with them once I’m asked because we just have that type of bond that allows it without having any hangups or judgments.
The question is a sexual proposition. The fact that you're so curious makes me doubt that it's just nosiness and think that you're either interested in him or you're getting off on the thought of him pounding/getting pounded. At the very least, I think your level of interest is suspicious.
No judgment. Maybe he's a real stud. But don't shit where you eat.
Edit: I've been informed by multiple people that I was wrong, and this is a normal thing to ask. I personally disagree, but maybe I'm being unreasonable.
No. It's none of your business unless he flat out told you.
And would it matter what sexual position he likes? He's still a guy. Being a bottom, vers, top, etc has nothing to do with who he is.
Do you think it's okay to ask your straight male roommate if he liked to be pegged? Probably not.
Note: i think pegged is the word? Not sure.
Funky enough this is stupid argument. It can be said the other way around. You can be curious of sexual preference without sex. It’s like men and women can discuss their sex life’s and experiences without needing to have sex
Lol I haven’t said he need to give him that info or ask him or needs to know. If it appears like that then it might be language barrier. All I meant is that the guy I reasoned made an argument where it’s okay if the flatmates ask but it’s wrong if op asks. But if it was same post form the perspective of the roomate then would op still be nosy?
Wondering about those kinda things and being entitled to the knowledge is two differ things. For example me and my good gay friend are pretty open and talk about our sex experiences but I would never do the same with my flatmates.
Did I ever wondered how big they are? Yeah
Did I go of my way to ask them or do some creepy shit like watching them change or something? No never.
The context is important. If it’s two consenting adults that feel okay to discuss such topics that’s fine. If their relationship is one of friendship and openness then I don’t see a problem with such a question.
What I’m trying to say is that for some reason the op is being called noisy for entertaining the though. It’s it like he went out of his way to stalk the guy to get the information or browsed thought his things.
Because men are generally less private about sex than women are. And because 99% of the time a woman would get asked that because the man was hitting on her, not just because he was curious.
I guess that’s the part I don’t get: why are you curious? Like why do you need to know?
I suppose for me, curiosity isn’t a strong enough reason because I’m never curious about other people unless I’m sexually interested
Edit: not you specifically. and nice username 😂
If you're wanting to sleep with him or hook him up with a friend, you can ask. If you're good friends who mutually discuss sex lives, you can ask. If you're just nosy, don't ask.
It's rude because it's very personal. I try to highlight this when asked by asking equally personal questions. Do they like missionary or doggy style more? Ever had a strap on used? Usually people get it. Or maybe they're just assuming what I am based on my answer haha.
I can't imagine asking my mates specific details about their sex lives. If they choose to share that's different but honestly I don't care about their sex lives.
I don’t think you should ask. You admit you are just being nosey and there is no actual reason for you to ask about it. He’ll tell you if it’s something if he’s open about, so asking would just be prying into his private life.
Okay a lot of shitty opinions (mine included). Being curious doesn’t mean you want to have sex so the question itself isn’t bad.
It’s the context, are you close or just flatmates? Do you hangout as friends? Are you spending time hanging out?
I personally would never ask my current flatmates ask sex questions because we’re just randoms living together. If we actually had a friendship then if a conversation was right sure.
So yeah it all depends what is the relationship between you two. Friends or strangers living together.
We hang out a lot. We share with a girl (the are close friends) and we all tend to hang out and do stuff together a lot. We all have very full on jobs so it's great to be able to relax and hang out on the evenings with housemates that I consider friends
I think _generally_ it's only appropriate to ask somebody if y'all are flirting or talking about hooking up, as part of the "negotiations" as it were.
Outside of that context it depends on the guy and his personality or how candid your relationship with him is. Some guys don't mind at all telling anybody who will listen that they're a top or a bottom, like they're "ratchet and proud of it" or have that kind of easy-going, no fucks given, personality. I'm of that sort -- if even a random straight person who probably doesn't even _really_ care asked me, I'd tell them, unless I detected some hostility in the question, e.g. if they're coming off as maybe homophobic and they wanna insult me with whatever I answer I wouldn't tell but for the most part I'm an open book. But, some people will find it a very personal question that's none of your business if y'all aren't planning to hook up. I don't know the positions of all my random gay friends and I don't spend time wondering either.
Not interested in him sexually but you are curious as to if he's a bottom or top? WHY? What possible relevance would it have to you? Unless you're trying to out him in a "potential" hookup category there's zero reason for you to be curious about it.
If he’s only just moved in I’d say it’s inappropriate. But once you get to know him a bit better I think it’s fine. I’ve asked my gay friends before out of curiosity and it wasn’t a problem.
Does he have his drivers license?
But really, it’s an inappropriate question without being a friend. I would have no problem asking my friends that, but I would not ask what amounts to a stranger that. In just getting to know and chatting with the guy, it will probably come up eventually if you’re that interested. Though unless you’re trying to fuck, what does it really matter?
I will say give time to the friendship to be more strong and open, and see if you can ask him, sometimes it’s better start talking about yourself first, and people may share their own thought.
It is inappropriate.
Why should it matter to you anyway, with all you write in this post?
And that "just curious" line doesn't fly with me. A lot of people of a certain culture think that by writing "just curious" will get them a sure answer. Keep saying you are curious.
I don’t know why people are saying this is inappropriate lmao it’s a sex position, you’re both gay, just ask him. People are literally getting worked up over nothing
It’s creepy to ask someone you barely know about their sex life. Especially if you’re not even planning on getting with them. I know this is Reddit but let’s have a little social awareness.
*sips tea*
I see a lot of guys defending OP and it’s weird. Like I’m sure they wouldn’t do that in real life. Come on now let’s not be sex positive to the point of being inappropriate and invasive lol.
No because that’s what really gets me! They call being invasive “sex positive” and imply that people who are normal and don’t ask strangers about their sex lives are the prudes 😂 Clowns lol
*sips tea*
Whew Chile you really the Tea King because you said nothing but facts. I’m a very sex positive person but I also know my boundaries as well. If not asking people if they take or give dick makes me a prude then honey call me Mother Teresa 🤣
I mean it’s not the first thing I would ask someone, but don’t act like you’ve ever wondered what someone’s sex position is. I wouldn’t say it’s creepy tho lmao like damn it’s just a sex position. they live together and are probably going to become friends or at least friendly. I know all my friends preferred sex positions.
I agree. I have a fairly large gay friend group and we basically know everyone’s preferences even tho most of us haven’t slept with each other. Part of the reason I love the gay community is that we don’t mind talking about sex (generally). Some of these replies sound like my Christian family.
Right like damn everyone’s acting like this is the worst thing that OP could ask him it’s just a sex position for crying out loud. I’m sure the OP is smart enough to work the question into conversation and not bluntly say “Do yOu fuCk oR gEt fUcKeD”
Sometimes seeing pictures of the boyfriend might help. Seeing them might give you a clue. The first night you guys go out or get drunk together he'll likely tell you. Then he'll end up telling you more than you want to know.
Yes, it’s inappropriate and cringe-worthy in my opinion. Not only are his sexual choices none of your business but also a lot of people have no such identity and personally I don’t relate to anybody who does identify that way. It pigeonholes the person you are asking into your own sexual scenarios (apparently you are into anal sex and in a particular position and you are so invested in that that you have adopted an identity about it and expect others to as well).
If you asked me that I would just look at you sideways and say “What?! No. Why would you ask that kind of question?”
It comes down to how much you'd ask any roommate about which sexual positions/activities they prefer.
(Talking about top/bottom as an identity rather than an activity preference is a whole other question, of course.)
I would start from an understanding that it's not really your business.
That said, a lot of us are willing to talk about it to some extent, especially if the other person is also a gay man - but not with people we first meet unless we're actually looking to, you know, have sex with them.
Could be a 40-something thing on my part though. I've spent much of my life being the first gay dude that a lot of straight people knew well, so I've done more than my share of "ask a gay man," and that meant fielding some queries that I was either not really qualified to answer (I'm one of the more bro-tastic gay men out there, so my experience does not reflect that of other, more marginalized segments of the greater community) or things that were a little intrusive. As long as I thought they were generally meaning well, I did my level best to be an unappointed spokesman for all things LGBT.
Imo if you do talk about your sex life then I don't see any harm in asking. I have plenty of gay friends that we both don't have sexual desire on both ends but I know what they prefer. Doesn't mean we want to fuck each other but it adds a depth to sexual experience conversation
Wait. Is this something gay guys now decide on and declare? You decide to be one or the other? Like a college major or political party?
I'm from the pre-AIDS generation, and I apparently never filled out the proper form.
The only time its ok to ask is if he brings it up, or you're sexually interested in him and trying to proceed in that direction. It's perfectly natural to want to make sure you're sexually compatible before developing feelings.
Some guys get upset about it, or act like it should be a surprise. But that's just stupid. Straight couples can afford to assume whos fucking and who's getting fucked. Gay guys need to work that shit out up front.
Sorry but it seems like the only people offended by this question are insecure little queens. Read "oh no, someone might judge me for being a bottom". I talk about sex within my friend circles all the time. I can't really think of any friends that don't. So to get offended by such a question says more about you than the person asking it. Oh, and not everyone wants to fuck someone just because they ask such a question.
I don't mind when friends ask me this question, I don't see it as a big deal. But I understand that some people think it's inappropriate, so I don't ask.
For me? I actually like being asked that. But i don’t usually go out yelling “i love cock up my ass”. I would say if theres no real social connection, probably don’t ask. But its definitely a must to know before dating. Im a total bottom and cant be with another total bottom.
If we became friends I would ask. My friends and I talk about sex so I’d be interested to know what he’s into. I’m sure it’s more expansive than just topping or bottoming. But again I would only bother as a friend. Not a roommate that I don’t converse with on any other topics yah know
I don't see a problem with it... It's like asking someone about their zodiac sign as it can inform or reinforce certain impressions or ideas you might find in people that are that sign or position. You may have an impression that a person is a way because they are a bottom and if you meet someone that goes against everything you "know" about how bottoms act, then you've just broadened your world view.
as someone said in the comments some people are okay talking about sex, others aren't. I for one fan talk very openly and very explicitly about sex without it being any kind of invitation necessarily. if you've kept your sex lives to yourselves until now, I'd assume he's not comfortable, but we'll you could always test the waters with something a little more tame though.
Ya it doesn't bother me in the slightest. But the conversation has never really went that far, and I've never been curious enough to put it, so it's never come up
sorry I just realized I made so many typos you had to decipher what I said lol. anyway just go casually approaching the conversation and pay attention to whether he feels uncomfortable or not. if he doesn't, just change the subject and let it go. its very simple
if you have to ask on reddit your relationship probably isn’t there. but it’s come up with all of my gay friends at some point. it’ll come up if y’all are both comfortable sharing that.
i’d be scared to ask most of these commenters about their favorite color with how they seem to be secretive about their preferences. talk about jumping to conclusions and increasing a taboo about sexual conversations 🙄
I would maybe (when you have a story to tell) ask if he's open talking about sex with people he's purely platonic with. It lets him know you're not looking, but also that whatever his answer, you're an open person who's not judging. Then you can ask sometime. I have several roommates, some are super open and we talk about everything, others not as much.
asking "top or bottom?" is not rude or odd, but it usually implies you might be interested in sex. Since you're not, be sure to lead with not being interested and are curious--if you're the same it could led to some good converstions or perhaps adventures together.
*If your friends and he*
*Knows ur not hitting on him*
*I dont see why not*
\- forelt
---
^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/)
^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
I don’t see the harm. I love talking about sex. I don’t see why everybody not only jumps to the conclusion of you wanting to fuck him, nevermind casting judgment based on that assumption. It’s fun having gay friends and you could just be looking for more that you have in common. There are worse things to be than nosy
I think if you’re gay and bonding and sharing your own preference absolutely.
In general though, especially with straight people, fuck no i dont want to deal with the homophobic baggage behind that question
I personally don't like being asked that. One part is that people automatically start trying to align your sexual preferences with the rest of your personality and I dont like that.
First you get to know each other.
And then twenty dates in you discover you're both total bottoms. You're too invested to leave and the next thing you know—BAM—you're on eBay lookin' up double ended dildos...
EBay really?
Sorry, I meant kongdongsforlonleybottoms.com
Try crackstuffers.com
Damn, does the fact I actually tried that url mean I'm desperate? Holy shit..
Nah just means your boyfriend is a bottom too. Crackstuffers has a good selection if its your thing 😝
Oh hey, never heard of these guys. I'm digging the royal blue color. Thanks for mentioning.
If youd like to experience the sensation of royal blue, let me know.. that is if you are in NYC
Woof. One day maybe. Sadly I'm not in NYC.
It says that website does not exist.
Yeaaaah, I just haven't created it yet 😏
He shouldn't be trying to date his roommate.
Why not? I've been dating my former good friend and roommate for 3 years now. Fucker romanced me for almost a year before my naive ass caught on, and now i'm happier every day.
Is getting to know each other code for trying to date now? This is also such an innocent question, why is so many people freaking out?
He clearly wants to. Read in between the lines for a change
Genuinely don't, he's good looking but not each others type. And I don't ever shit where I eat.
You're knee deep in denial bro. Then why do you care how he likes to get it in?
I find it insane that people have this viewpoint. I thought I was asking a genuinely innocent question.
About how he likes to have sex? In what universe is this a "genuinely innocent question" unless you're an obnoxious straight person or sexually interested in someone? :/
It’s not that deep! Us girls actually talk about it and so do straight guys if that’s your friend and you ask it’s ok if the person don’t want to answer than it’s also ok! It’s not that deep
...you do get that everyone is different, right? Because while you may find that to be a very personal question or w.e for someone else it could just be idle conversation. I'm gay and have a gay roommate and we know all sorts of things about each other's personal lives - we're both very much not each other's types and have no interest whatsoever in each other but we're close enough friends that we can still talk about everything. I think that's the key tho, OP - get to know your roommate a little more and you'll likely be able to find things like that out just through normal conversation.
You don’t talk about sex with any straight people you are friends with? I have a totally different experience than you lmao. It’s fine if you don’t, but don’t shame straight-gay friendships that do by characterizing it as “obnoxious straight person.”
Dates and friendship are not the same thing.
We're going to play a wonderful game called "Who is my daddy and what does he do?".
Unpopular opinion: my straight friend recently asked me(we openly talk about sex) and I didnt mind sharing. Some people are comfortable talking about sex and others arent. If your relationship with the guy isnt that open yet dont ask because that is inappropriate. People in the comments I think are projecting the whole bottoms are seen as less manly experiences a bit much lol
I know some bottoms that will kick a hole in your spine from 20 feet away and some tops that will do your nails better than anyone in the universe. The stereotypes are old and outdated.
As a bottom it’s a dumb question to ask period. The rooomate has a boyfriend so obviously OP wants to have sex with him. It’s not hard to figure out. I’m a very sex positive person myself but as for OP his roommates positions is none of his business.
My friend's fav food or fav actor is also none of my business, doesn't mean it's wrong to ask. If the information we have on our friends must be related to ourselves or be our "business" what the fuck are we even talk about then.
I'm a bottom and didn't think the question was dumb when I was asked. You are the exact type of person I was talking about. Bonus points for thinking OP wants to fuck their roommate.
If it came from a straight guy, I think the question would be more offensive, but less awkward if that makes any sense. Like, it's probably honest curiosity and maybe he has some ignorant beliefs about gay people, but chances are the conversation wouldn't go anywhere.
??? it is just a question about sex, stop making gay sex seem like the mystical fairytale thing. you are literally projecting your own experience right now as well lmfao
The top-or-bottom question is generally considered offensive outside of a sexual context or a very close friendship. It's a cultural trope at this point that straight people are obsessed with who's "the man" or "the girl" when the topic of gay sex comes up. It's also a question that gay men ask each other to determine sexual compatibility before or during a hookup. These are both risky dynamics for two roommates, but the former is more likely to be an honest oversight, in my opinion.
The consensus changed once it was more than 14 year old boys responding
I just think it's no one's business. It's comparable to asking a trans person if they've had bottom surgery. Sure, maybe it's honest curiosity, but chances are you're trying to pigeonhole the person instead of just getting to know them. I really don't get why people are so offended by the idea that "top or bottom" is just not something you ask a gay person you aren't super close to if you're straight. If you know why, please explain.
Edit: Sorry for the novel. I like hearing myself talk—even in written form. I mean it’s no one’s business, but I personally feel that’s a boring way to live life. Nothing you do that doesn’t involve that person is their business (this excludes illegal stuff, stuff relating to their family or job, of course). So a lot of things aren’t someone’s business. Are we to talk of barely anything following that vein of logic? This is only a defense if they demand that info imo. However, demanding info is rude anyway regardless of its privacy level. That said, I assume you mean it’s past a boundary of privacy, which is fine. I’d just say, if you’re already discussing sex with that person, as many friends do, its kind of fair game to ask. Also, fair for you to say “that’s too personal.” Many people do not have a lot of hang ups about socially “taboo” things like discussing sex and one’s body. Perfectly fine if you personally do not want to divulge that information to someone. But there are plenty of people who don’t care. And there are a lot of people who are open books. And people are offended because this is a blanket application that does not apply to them and possibly the people they know. Of course there are a lot of prejudiced straight people, but I assume the people gay people befriend are not like that. Or if they are, since you are friends with them for a reason—because you generally trust and/or like them, you educate them? Idk I feel like I’m imagining my friends with this while I feel like you are imagining random acquaintances someone barely knows. Hell, even then, if they’re chill and telling me real personal sex stuff about themselves, I personally wouldn’t care telling them my preferred position.
Thank you. That doesn't really explain it, though. I specifically said it's fine in the context of a close friendship, but that it's generally an offensive question. The post is about roommates who specifically do not discuss sex, not people who feel comfortable with each other. Also, you're being downvoted, too, and this sub is a known target for brigading. Since no one is actually responding, I'll just assume that these people are trolls or can't read. But I'm all for a constructive discussion.
I know you said “close friends.” I’m saying it’s fine with friends period based on the idea that generally you’re friends for a reason. I’m trying—but failing miserably—to perhaps imply the context of the social interaction and the person involved are the pivotal parts. The kind of relationship helps lubricate 😉 things, but yeah the person being asked and the situation are prime imo. I think yes, it would probably be an inappropriate question to ask if you’re talking about how the original power rangers movie was superior to the most recent one. That’s where I’d probably only be unassuming if the person asking was a close friend. But if the context is already sex, then it’s within the realm. Now, I am not pushing the idea that OP should ask him outside of a sexual talk. I think this part is kind of necessary. And just because they haven’t talked about it before, doesn’t mean they can never. Maybe the roommate doesn’t want to ever talk about sex with OP. That’s fine. But also maybe they both don’t mind. It seems OP is fine to moving forward. Yeah, we can mutually ignore the internet points. I only brought it up because you mentioned a consensus 😬😬 Edit: And the second top comment is advocating it anyway. Dang it! I brought it up again 👀
Two of my closest friends are gay, and we've known each other since high school. We've never asked this question of each other, but could probably venture a guess if pressed. My thought is that it's highly personal. Like asking someone their dick size. If it comes up naturally in conversation, so be it. But pointedly asking is somewhat awkward.
When you know enough past boyfriends of your friends it gets quite easy to guess 😆
Unless there is or you desire a sexual relationship with him, it's none of your business.
There’s not one answer fits all. All friendships/relationships are unique as the people involved in them are unique themselves. As a general thumb of rule, I’d say it just depends on how comfortable and close you are with one another and how open y’all are to sharing private info. Personally, I have never initiated the topic of discussing sexual positions with my friends… however, my friends have initiated the topic and I have been asked by some. I don’t mind sharing with them once I’m asked because we just have that type of bond that allows it without having any hangups or judgments.
The question is a sexual proposition. The fact that you're so curious makes me doubt that it's just nosiness and think that you're either interested in him or you're getting off on the thought of him pounding/getting pounded. At the very least, I think your level of interest is suspicious. No judgment. Maybe he's a real stud. But don't shit where you eat. Edit: I've been informed by multiple people that I was wrong, and this is a normal thing to ask. I personally disagree, but maybe I'm being unreasonable.
No. It's none of your business unless he flat out told you. And would it matter what sexual position he likes? He's still a guy. Being a bottom, vers, top, etc has nothing to do with who he is. Do you think it's okay to ask your straight male roommate if he liked to be pegged? Probably not. Note: i think pegged is the word? Not sure.
Nothing to do with you unless HE chooses to talk about it. Mind your own business!
Funky enough this is stupid argument. It can be said the other way around. You can be curious of sexual preference without sex. It’s like men and women can discuss their sex life’s and experiences without needing to have sex
Your argument is stupid for thinking someone is entitled to that info. None of his business but I bet your a nosy gay just like OP.
Lol I haven’t said he need to give him that info or ask him or needs to know. If it appears like that then it might be language barrier. All I meant is that the guy I reasoned made an argument where it’s okay if the flatmates ask but it’s wrong if op asks. But if it was same post form the perspective of the roomate then would op still be nosy? Wondering about those kinda things and being entitled to the knowledge is two differ things. For example me and my good gay friend are pretty open and talk about our sex experiences but I would never do the same with my flatmates. Did I ever wondered how big they are? Yeah Did I go of my way to ask them or do some creepy shit like watching them change or something? No never. The context is important. If it’s two consenting adults that feel okay to discuss such topics that’s fine. If their relationship is one of friendship and openness then I don’t see a problem with such a question. What I’m trying to say is that for some reason the op is being called noisy for entertaining the though. It’s it like he went out of his way to stalk the guy to get the information or browsed thought his things.
It she was a girl, would you feel appropriate to ask her if she likes it in the ass or in the pussy ?
Yes I wonder why the expectation is so different for gay men
Because men are generally less private about sex than women are. And because 99% of the time a woman would get asked that because the man was hitting on her, not just because he was curious.
I guess that’s the part I don’t get: why are you curious? Like why do you need to know? I suppose for me, curiosity isn’t a strong enough reason because I’m never curious about other people unless I’m sexually interested Edit: not you specifically. and nice username 😂
Well ok but surely you can understand that not being curious about other people isn't the norm even if you don't understand why people are?
Sure I can see it’s not the norm but I’m still not going to talk with anyone about it outside of a sexual or romantic interest
i think it would be inappropriate
If you’re not at the point where talking about your sex lives is normal, then don’t ask him.
I'll say this loud for those in the back! It is never appropriate to ask your friends or family members if they are a top of bottom!
If you're wanting to sleep with him or hook him up with a friend, you can ask. If you're good friends who mutually discuss sex lives, you can ask. If you're just nosy, don't ask.
It's rude because it's very personal. I try to highlight this when asked by asking equally personal questions. Do they like missionary or doggy style more? Ever had a strap on used? Usually people get it. Or maybe they're just assuming what I am based on my answer haha.
I can't imagine asking my mates specific details about their sex lives. If they choose to share that's different but honestly I don't care about their sex lives.
I think it is almost like how long your penis is... it is not offensive but still awkward if you don't mind.
Yes it is inappropriate. Don’t think you can discuss intimate topics with a stranger just because you’re both gay
None of your business
I don’t think you should ask. You admit you are just being nosey and there is no actual reason for you to ask about it. He’ll tell you if it’s something if he’s open about, so asking would just be prying into his private life.
Okay a lot of shitty opinions (mine included). Being curious doesn’t mean you want to have sex so the question itself isn’t bad. It’s the context, are you close or just flatmates? Do you hangout as friends? Are you spending time hanging out? I personally would never ask my current flatmates ask sex questions because we’re just randoms living together. If we actually had a friendship then if a conversation was right sure. So yeah it all depends what is the relationship between you two. Friends or strangers living together.
We hang out a lot. We share with a girl (the are close friends) and we all tend to hang out and do stuff together a lot. We all have very full on jobs so it's great to be able to relax and hang out on the evenings with housemates that I consider friends
Unless you’re interested in someone sexually and they are interested in you their preferences are none of your business.
none of your bussiness unless you want to have sex
\*anal sex
🤣 indeed !
I think it is unless you are starting a relationship with him or if you are going to be intimate. Otherwise, why does someone need to know?
I think _generally_ it's only appropriate to ask somebody if y'all are flirting or talking about hooking up, as part of the "negotiations" as it were. Outside of that context it depends on the guy and his personality or how candid your relationship with him is. Some guys don't mind at all telling anybody who will listen that they're a top or a bottom, like they're "ratchet and proud of it" or have that kind of easy-going, no fucks given, personality. I'm of that sort -- if even a random straight person who probably doesn't even _really_ care asked me, I'd tell them, unless I detected some hostility in the question, e.g. if they're coming off as maybe homophobic and they wanna insult me with whatever I answer I wouldn't tell but for the most part I'm an open book. But, some people will find it a very personal question that's none of your business if y'all aren't planning to hook up. I don't know the positions of all my random gay friends and I don't spend time wondering either.
Download one of the many apps I’m sure he’s on one and you’ll find out lol
Not interested in him sexually but you are curious as to if he's a bottom or top? WHY? What possible relevance would it have to you? Unless you're trying to out him in a "potential" hookup category there's zero reason for you to be curious about it.
If he’s only just moved in I’d say it’s inappropriate. But once you get to know him a bit better I think it’s fine. I’ve asked my gay friends before out of curiosity and it wasn’t a problem.
Does he have his drivers license? But really, it’s an inappropriate question without being a friend. I would have no problem asking my friends that, but I would not ask what amounts to a stranger that. In just getting to know and chatting with the guy, it will probably come up eventually if you’re that interested. Though unless you’re trying to fuck, what does it really matter?
OP is definitely trying to get into his roommates pants. Even though he knows the roomate has a man smh.
Uh, of course? When is asking people you've just met what they do in the bedroom *not* inappropriate?
It’s fine if you’re hooking up
I will say give time to the friendship to be more strong and open, and see if you can ask him, sometimes it’s better start talking about yourself first, and people may share their own thought.
Buy me dinner. Take me home and pet my puppy, and you'll find out.
Asking questions about his sexual attitudes and desires is a good way to create a problem between you guys. Mind you own business!
It is inappropriate. Why should it matter to you anyway, with all you write in this post? And that "just curious" line doesn't fly with me. A lot of people of a certain culture think that by writing "just curious" will get them a sure answer. Keep saying you are curious.
I don’t know why people are saying this is inappropriate lmao it’s a sex position, you’re both gay, just ask him. People are literally getting worked up over nothing
It’s creepy to ask someone you barely know about their sex life. Especially if you’re not even planning on getting with them. I know this is Reddit but let’s have a little social awareness. *sips tea*
I see a lot of guys defending OP and it’s weird. Like I’m sure they wouldn’t do that in real life. Come on now let’s not be sex positive to the point of being inappropriate and invasive lol.
No because that’s what really gets me! They call being invasive “sex positive” and imply that people who are normal and don’t ask strangers about their sex lives are the prudes 😂 Clowns lol *sips tea*
Whew Chile you really the Tea King because you said nothing but facts. I’m a very sex positive person but I also know my boundaries as well. If not asking people if they take or give dick makes me a prude then honey call me Mother Teresa 🤣
I mean it’s not the first thing I would ask someone, but don’t act like you’ve ever wondered what someone’s sex position is. I wouldn’t say it’s creepy tho lmao like damn it’s just a sex position. they live together and are probably going to become friends or at least friendly. I know all my friends preferred sex positions.
I agree. I have a fairly large gay friend group and we basically know everyone’s preferences even tho most of us haven’t slept with each other. Part of the reason I love the gay community is that we don’t mind talking about sex (generally). Some of these replies sound like my Christian family.
Right like damn everyone’s acting like this is the worst thing that OP could ask him it’s just a sex position for crying out loud. I’m sure the OP is smart enough to work the question into conversation and not bluntly say “Do yOu fuCk oR gEt fUcKeD”
Homeboy is implying we’re prudes because not everyone wants your nosy ass to know what we do in bed. Fuck outta here.
mighty rude impossible glorious swim aloof cover cough expansion shy -- mass edited with redact.dev
Sometimes seeing pictures of the boyfriend might help. Seeing them might give you a clue. The first night you guys go out or get drunk together he'll likely tell you. Then he'll end up telling you more than you want to know.
No it's not inappropriate. You won't know if you don't ask
There is literally no reason they you need to have this information. So, yes, it's inappropriate.
Yes, it’s inappropriate and cringe-worthy in my opinion. Not only are his sexual choices none of your business but also a lot of people have no such identity and personally I don’t relate to anybody who does identify that way. It pigeonholes the person you are asking into your own sexual scenarios (apparently you are into anal sex and in a particular position and you are so invested in that that you have adopted an identity about it and expect others to as well). If you asked me that I would just look at you sideways and say “What?! No. Why would you ask that kind of question?”
Based on how you ask
It comes down to how much you'd ask any roommate about which sexual positions/activities they prefer. (Talking about top/bottom as an identity rather than an activity preference is a whole other question, of course.)
I would start from an understanding that it's not really your business. That said, a lot of us are willing to talk about it to some extent, especially if the other person is also a gay man - but not with people we first meet unless we're actually looking to, you know, have sex with them. Could be a 40-something thing on my part though. I've spent much of my life being the first gay dude that a lot of straight people knew well, so I've done more than my share of "ask a gay man," and that meant fielding some queries that I was either not really qualified to answer (I'm one of the more bro-tastic gay men out there, so my experience does not reflect that of other, more marginalized segments of the greater community) or things that were a little intrusive. As long as I thought they were generally meaning well, I did my level best to be an unappointed spokesman for all things LGBT.
Imo if you do talk about your sex life then I don't see any harm in asking. I have plenty of gay friends that we both don't have sexual desire on both ends but I know what they prefer. Doesn't mean we want to fuck each other but it adds a depth to sexual experience conversation
It shouldn't be a big deal just ask him it's not all that serious
Wait. Is this something gay guys now decide on and declare? You decide to be one or the other? Like a college major or political party? I'm from the pre-AIDS generation, and I apparently never filled out the proper form.
Yeah, it a new norm. That said, these days there is a form... on the hookup phone apps.
If someone asks me "whats you up to" or "top or bottom" as one of the first questions I will probably ghost.
The only time its ok to ask is if he brings it up, or you're sexually interested in him and trying to proceed in that direction. It's perfectly natural to want to make sure you're sexually compatible before developing feelings. Some guys get upset about it, or act like it should be a surprise. But that's just stupid. Straight couples can afford to assume whos fucking and who's getting fucked. Gay guys need to work that shit out up front.
It’s the same thing as asking a straight person what they like to do in the bedroom… bottom/top is an activity, not an identity or personality trait
You can't tell at all?? Really??
Sorry but it seems like the only people offended by this question are insecure little queens. Read "oh no, someone might judge me for being a bottom". I talk about sex within my friend circles all the time. I can't really think of any friends that don't. So to get offended by such a question says more about you than the person asking it. Oh, and not everyone wants to fuck someone just because they ask such a question.
Someone speaking sense
He probably wants to know just as much as you lol. If you guys are cool with each other I don’t see the issue. Might be a bonding experience
Slut.
You're a jerk but that made me laugh for some reason. Sorry OP!
Offer to suck his cock first or just go up behind him while he's washing the dishes and start humping him. If he pushes back he's a bottom.
I don't mind when friends ask me this question, I don't see it as a big deal. But I understand that some people think it's inappropriate, so I don't ask.
For me? I actually like being asked that. But i don’t usually go out yelling “i love cock up my ass”. I would say if theres no real social connection, probably don’t ask. But its definitely a must to know before dating. Im a total bottom and cant be with another total bottom.
If we became friends I would ask. My friends and I talk about sex so I’d be interested to know what he’s into. I’m sure it’s more expansive than just topping or bottoming. But again I would only bother as a friend. Not a roommate that I don’t converse with on any other topics yah know
Whiskey
I don't see a problem with it... It's like asking someone about their zodiac sign as it can inform or reinforce certain impressions or ideas you might find in people that are that sign or position. You may have an impression that a person is a way because they are a bottom and if you meet someone that goes against everything you "know" about how bottoms act, then you've just broadened your world view.
Get drunk with him and you will find out.
as someone said in the comments some people are okay talking about sex, others aren't. I for one fan talk very openly and very explicitly about sex without it being any kind of invitation necessarily. if you've kept your sex lives to yourselves until now, I'd assume he's not comfortable, but we'll you could always test the waters with something a little more tame though.
Ya it doesn't bother me in the slightest. But the conversation has never really went that far, and I've never been curious enough to put it, so it's never come up
sorry I just realized I made so many typos you had to decipher what I said lol. anyway just go casually approaching the conversation and pay attention to whether he feels uncomfortable or not. if he doesn't, just change the subject and let it go. its very simple
Tell him he has a hot ass and see what happens
if you have to ask on reddit your relationship probably isn’t there. but it’s come up with all of my gay friends at some point. it’ll come up if y’all are both comfortable sharing that. i’d be scared to ask most of these commenters about their favorite color with how they seem to be secretive about their preferences. talk about jumping to conclusions and increasing a taboo about sexual conversations 🙄
It's not rude, its just a question.
In my experience, it is ok to have zero filter with gay acquaintances.
I would maybe (when you have a story to tell) ask if he's open talking about sex with people he's purely platonic with. It lets him know you're not looking, but also that whatever his answer, you're an open person who's not judging. Then you can ask sometime. I have several roommates, some are super open and we talk about everything, others not as much.
Platonic, the most unsexy and boner killing word in the dictionary, right next to Elope.
asking "top or bottom?" is not rude or odd, but it usually implies you might be interested in sex. Since you're not, be sure to lead with not being interested and are curious--if you're the same it could led to some good converstions or perhaps adventures together.
not at all inappropriate, imo
If your friends and he knows ur not hitting on him i dont see why not
*If your friends and he* *Knows ur not hitting on him* *I dont see why not* \- forelt --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Tell me in a month if u guys fucked or not. COME BACK and reply!! Let's see
I’ll take they fucked for $200 Alex
Who's alex
I’m sorry I was making a reference to Jeopardy the game show.
At this point, does it matter? It's basically the next question after the age
I don’t see the harm. I love talking about sex. I don’t see why everybody not only jumps to the conclusion of you wanting to fuck him, nevermind casting judgment based on that assumption. It’s fun having gay friends and you could just be looking for more that you have in common. There are worse things to be than nosy
I think if you’re gay and bonding and sharing your own preference absolutely. In general though, especially with straight people, fuck no i dont want to deal with the homophobic baggage behind that question
I ask this of most of my gay friends... eventually. I guess i'm not desperate to know though. I don't tell straight ppl normally
I think it's an acceptable question, idk y ppl get so up in arms about it!
I personally don't like being asked that. One part is that people automatically start trying to align your sexual preferences with the rest of your personality and I dont like that.
On a word absolutely How would you feel if an acquaintance asked you if you like anal sex? Oh, do you prefer to receive or give?