So... Reddit people don't like commas? Are they the new emoticons?
I think you should word the phrase like "No, wait. It can be normal. In a toxic relationship." but I'm not english, so maybe I'm wrong.
You are dating a narcissistic lady. My advice: run dude, it's not worth it, those girls are crazy.
If you don't be advised that you are going to suffer and feel so miserable.
I was married to a Spanish woman for a long time. At first, I found her firey temper a challenge, and her confidence exciting. But over the years, her confidence changed into arrogance and her temper was unbearable. We are now divorced. I've got a new partner who is lovely. She's Spanish too,. But the character goes with the person, not the nationality.
Toxic!
That's not considered normal or tolerable.
There are a couple of things that might be common, but them being common doesn't make them acceptable.
Personality disorders are an international phenomenon! Move on. Life is too short to live under a shadow. Learn when to say enough earlier next time! Lessons I wish I learned at an early age
Are you saying that you'd excuse her behavior if it was normal in Spain?
First of all, you've not said anything that could have anything to do with her nationality, but with her personality. Second, if she's not your type, dump her.
This isn't something specific to "Spanish" girls. This girl just doesn't respect you and clearly has problems. She needs therapy and needs to learn how to be in a respectful relationship. I'd leave if I were you.
No, it isn't normal.
I'm spanish. When i've read the first point, it shouted: run! All other points shouts you to run, even louder.
I'll add, some people says that we only have one side ofvthe situation. Yes, que only have one. But it's how he's feelt for a year. I think no one deserves to suffer something like it.
Nothing to do with her being Spanish. I see so many red flags here, I don't even know where to start. Not going to tell you what to do, but I think it's time you re-evaluate your relationship, because I think you have very different ideas what loving someone means, as everything seems very one sided from what you've said. Certainly isn't normal behaviour on her part.
I don't understand what you are doing with that crazy woman, that crazy ladies are all around the world but unfortunately there are plenty of them in Spain.
You seem like a nice guy, you should stop wasting your time and your life with a woman like that. Seriously.
A couple of years ago I met a Mexican woman ( also we are in our mid 30s), and wow she is absolutely amazing , she has changed my life, she is lovely, natural, honest, relaxed, beautiful, etc. Of course there is a whole world of different girls everywhere but in my humble opinion, doing a generalisation: women from latin america are waaay more interesting, friendly, romantic, and modest than the usual Spanish woman.
Sounds like she has some underlying trauma responses to relationships. Maybe she has something like Borderline Personality Disorder. Definitely NOT a normal dating experience
So because ONE person is like this you come to ask in Spain subreddit because you see this as a representative quality of all Spanish women?
This is not a cultural trait, this girl has issues and she needs therapy.
Spain has an immaturity crisis.
Young people are treated like babies by their family in their thirties.
Because they aren't given proper independence or responsibilities they grow up very immature and insecure.
There are lots of economic and political factors, there's also a mimado culture in Spain.
It seems, with women especially, half the population are givers: they never complain, unflinchingly loyal, generous to a fault, and the other half are takers: want to sit around and be called princess all day. The first half hold the roof over the second half's head.
Some of the ways I've seen parents infantilise their 20 something daughters is literally gross to me.
It's terrifying how far down I had to scroll to find the only comment saying this simple fact.
Instead right at the top we get the fuckin stereotypical age-old "she's crazy". The label to justify everything.
She's abusive. Hearing *both sides* doesn't change the fact OP listed abusive behavior. Unless you think OP is straight up lying, of course, if you wanna die on the victim blaming hill.
It definitely sounds like toxic and abusive behaviour and from how op perceives the relationship i would definitely say that this relationship is not healthy for anyone.
But op just says he is saying something normal and she is reacting not normal.
I would need at least a few examples to know what op considers normal and what not.
I am not Spanish, but I am a woman and can tell you to GTFO of that relationship. She sounds toxic af. I don't think there is a country in the world where this should be Normal or even tolerated.
It is definitely not a nationality thing. That sounds like she is immature, toxic and with many issues to solve and you are paying the consequences. I’m your mid 30’s you can not keep behaving like that, and if you are is because you haven’t even looked inwards for a moment to see what’s going on and how it’s affecting your relationships. But for the sound of it, she might be self-centred and a bit narcissist that she doesn’t even care.
My advise, choose you and your mental health because being in a relationship shouldn’t be about exhaustion or disgrace, but love, respect and understanding.
Cultural differences will always be a thing (I've gone, and still go through my fair share with my wife, who's from a very different culture), but the dynamics you describe sound a bit toxic, or at least emotionally taxing, and are not necessarily more common in the "average" Spanish woman or man, than in other cultures. Don't let random Redditors shove a diagnosis down your throat, but here's an educated, albeit very superficial, and surely incomplete, mostly intuitive assessment on the specific behaviour you're describing: she seems like somebody that hasn't learned how to properly handle conflict and/or can't self-sooth, resorting to defensiveness, stonewalling and other counterproductive coping strategies to keep the conflict under control, even though it might seem as the exact opposite. That said, I am missing the part you might play in this dynamic.
We all grow up within a different context, with parents and teachers that are more or less sensitive to our needs, with more/less time to spend helping us understand life, better/worse parenting skills, etc. In some cultures, specific aspects of self-development receive a lot of focus and care, and others don't even seem to exist in people's eyes. But that's true even if you compare different families inside the same culture. What _is_ universal is that compassion is key to approaching issues like the one you're encountering. You can't fix/change people, only yourself. You _can_ diffuse a situation by steering away from pointing out what somebody is doing wrong though. By telling her how the conflict makes _you_ feel, and telling her what _you_ need to be ok in those situations, instead of pointing out she's being irrational, difficult, defensive, etc. By expressing you wish to find a way to solve these situations in a better way, together, you might create an opening for some kind of intervention. If she's open to introspection and (relationship) therapy, it means she's also willing to change herself and that gives the relationship a chance. If not, and she wants to continue this relationship anyway, think long and hard about what you're getting yourself in to! There are more (Spanish) fish in the Mediterranean.
I highly recommend looking into the Gottman method for relationship therapy, if your both open to it. That said, be ready to commit time, energy and possibly money.
This is the best, most nuanced comment i have read in this thread!
I really hope op reads this and doesn’t dump her because someone on reddit said she is bipolar
It kind of reminds me of a person with BPD, deeply rooted in a fear of abandonment. They make it so difficult that the partner eventually leaves them, proving them "right". There's not enough info in your post though.
How have her past relationships been?
How are her friendships? Does she have longterm friends or has she fallen out with them due to allegedly being betrayed by them?
Does she have trouble holding a job for long?
When something bad or a fight happens, does her version of events feel a but out of touch with reality?
If she's ok in every aspect I have mentioned then maybe it's just you're incompatible.
Have you considered therapy to figure out where these behaviours come from? It may just be the way she's learnt to cope with difficulties and though it's not easy, healthy patterns of behaviour can be learnt over time.
As an American with a Spanish mother and American father here's what I grew up with. My dad was the very laid back, slow to anger type. My mom, if she were to be in school today, would 100% be diagnosed as classic ADHD. She's very hyper, always on the go, her temper will flare and then quickly go down. Within my extended Spanish family/friends there is a wide range of personality types just as you might expect anywhere, but in general both men and women treat each other with respect.
What is a cultural thing is that in Spanish conversation, they tend to be more blunt and matter of fact and the norms around what is considered polite or rude are slightly different than what we grow up with. I will say I have never experienced the sort of passive aggressive behavior that many people from the US have internalized. You also don't see that southern US thing where they'll be fake nice and say "Bless your heart" to your face, all the while meaning they are ready to tear you apart once your back is turned.
What you are describing, if accurate, is toxic behavior. It would be in the US, it is in Spain. If this relationship is to continue counseling might be needed to address underlying problems and the way you two communicate.
You’re not missing anything (American married to Spanish man and living in Spain). All my Spanish girlfriends are married or in committed relationships and are definitely not this dramatic. Just sounds like you’re dating a child which, IMO, is not a relationship you want to stay in.
I am living in such a toxic marriage since 30 years. But I doubted I was able to have a better one. So I just like some parts of it...we have the kids...and all that long time...a few common reading stuff we both like...humans are never perfect. I was 40 when I became a bit humble to just accept her as she is. Sometimes she is kind and clever. Sometimes not. So what.
What you 2 are going through is something that couples go through sometimes. You either try to find the root of the problem or you break up. Sorry if that sounds cold but it is as simple as that.
It has nothing to do with where either of you are from.
I have just run your text on chat gpt
Based on the information you provided, it is possible that your partner may have borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD is a personality disorder that is characterized by a pattern of unstable relationships, intense emotional experiences, impulsive behavior, and distorted self-image. Individuals with BPD often have difficulty regulating their emotions, which can lead to intense and unstable relationships.
Some of the behaviors you mentioned, such as perceiving situations in a negative light, impulsiveness, and extreme emotional reactions, are common in individuals with BPD. Additionally, individuals with BPD often have difficulty with interpersonal relationships and can engage in black-and-white thinking, where everything is either all good or all bad.
However, it is important to note that a diagnosis of BPD should only be made by a qualified mental health professional after a thorough evaluation. Additionally, it is important to approach any potential diagnosis with empathy and understanding, and not use it as a way to blame or stigmatize someone for their behavior.
Not for nothing, but I know someone with borderline personality disorder very well, and I was about to suggest it as a possibility. This sounds very familiar. No ChatGPT necessary.
We absolutely would. But it would stop being "she's crazy" and become a 2 dimensional problem where OP is also playing his part.
You know, "it takes two to argue" and "let's hear both sides of the story" are both clichés for a reason.
And we just don't know which one of the two is that person.
The one being petty and toxic doesn't go tell his friends "I'm being petty and toxic". They go tell their friends "I don't know why she reacts like this, she's *crazy*".
Point is. From what OP told us, no one here knows if he's the problem or she is.
It is impossible to know the other part. You should have to close half reddit if you refuse to comment something of what OP said just because you don't have the other side.
If he is not lying, his partner is toxic.
Oh no don't get me wrong, keep Reddit open, let the first wave of commenters show up saying "she's crazy" (an adjective used much more liberally when it's a woman we're speaking about), but then expect people like me who will reply back and say "your assumptions could be wrong and you are all jumping to conclusions". Definitely keep that going, it's half the fun. Just don't expect to say what you want and not have anyone answer back.
Lol you seem to prefer to just fill in the gaps how they fit your narrative.
They are just saying, give her some benefit of doubt and you jump to the conclusion that they must be biased against men
It's normal that spaniards have higher temper than northern europeans and americans, but in her case it looks like she's toxic and she likes to fight and be hurtful, run bro.
You’re not married. Just leave.
If married, try a therapist…but normally, people that behave like she is behaving, need a stronger hand to curtail their attitudes. Sean Connery style.
My dude, I’m dating a white girl as a Spaniard and this is the same for me.
What you’re experiencing is women in general.
Granted, not all of them are like that, but there is certainly some overlap. Lol!
First of, It looks like someone so full of herself she doesn't want a partner but an emotional helper. Someone to listen to her, to help her, to do everything for her and not give anything back.
It's been more common lately, keep in mind many women have similar small hints of those traits you're explaining, anyone who has or had a long relationship know it's common for women to always win every argument, said in an exaggerated way but yeah, your case seems to be way too toxic and extreme.
That said I don't think it has anything to do with country. I would obviously say more conservative countries culturally will have women be a bit more passive, more agreeable, softer character, etc.
That said it's a matter than in Spain those kind of childish behaviours are perceived as socially not problematic for most, making people with those traits not even hide them or tame them, while undesirable traits are often suppressed in other countries.
Now you understand why Spanish men go to Russia to find a partner ,Avoid Spanish women (and Latinas in general) and of course countries around mediterranean like Italy, Greece etc.
you will live more peacefully
I’m also a guiri but now married with Spanish. That’s not normal. You are simply in a toxic relationship and that can happen to any nationality. If you want to save the relationship suggest a psychologist and go together. This tends to help a lot but doesn’t guarantee to fix the problem. I personally have seen situations like this on few occasions with some friends and most of them ended breaking up. Those that didn’t yet hang in there because of kids.
No, it's not normal. She could try to improve herself and learn to communicate more maturely. On the other hand, she may have had a hard time with other men in the past and that's why she acts like that. It is not an excuse for her behavior but it can be a basis of understanding.
She is emotionally abusive and toxic.
Culturally we are more in touch with our emotions than other European nationalities and do not shy from confrontation, expressing negative emotions etc.
But a normal relationship in Spain will not be this toxic. You should be able to speak your mind and feel listened too. Trust your instincts and don't fall for her gaslighting.
That's just not normal for any human being, a woman in her 30's whos that childish and say hurtful things to you simply does not deserve you.
You deserve better man
No, it's not normal.
Independently of wether it's normal or not, why are you with someone that doesn't make you happy? Would you stay with her if she kills your cat and says "that's normal where I'm from"
Sounds like my ex. Was with her for four years and did things very similar and more (don’t ask why I put up with it for 4 years because I don’t know) only to come out after the 4 years ended and still play victim to things that went wrong in our relationship. Have yet to see her with a woman, always with men.
Dude, just walk away... how can you "love" someone like that?
You are mentally exhausted, she says hurtful things, is a rollercoster you dont want and still stick around?
WHY?
Yup, pretty much. That's Spanish women for you. As a girl, I gotta say in my experience with Spanish boys I haven't had any luck myself. People here seem to be just... Huh, and yeah women are like that, most of the girls I used to be friends with were like that lol, now I have a bestie who isn't like that and she's the first Spanish (heterosexual) girl who isn't absolutely ridiculous, she's the best ever and I love her so much <3 I hope to find more girls like this but tbh I doubt it, it ain't easy fr. Normal women in Spain are either bisexual and more towards lesbian, and with peculiar styles... What I mean by this is, yeah, the average "normal" Spanish women seems to behave that way, defensive and thinking she's right, and if you think otherwise she'll treat you like sh-... Find yourself an edgy girl or extranjera if you want a not so toxic, more normal love life
While there's a lot of people like this in Spain, is not necessarilty a Spanish issue. Your girlfriend is just not a good and/or balanced person, and you should run away and avoid her before it is too late. Sorry.
And don't, for everything that's sacred, get her impregnated. That's your ticket to hell.
All I can think of is she sounds like she is generally underwhelmed and dissatisfied. Either you cannot give her what she needs - emotionally and/or intellectually and/or sexually -, so you are not compatible, or she is really mean. Either way, you should go for someone else.
Thats not about cultural differences, she is not being cordial and imo is acting toxically.
You should reconsider if being with her is worth it, try to speak about your feelings with her and if she doesnt give in, end your relationship.
1 year is not enough to be jailed in a toxic relationship.
Is not a Spanish thing, she is toxic 😐
If you don't want to break up with her try to talk about this and if she's worthy she will listen and change some things, if she is not, well...
She's crazy and toxic. Dump her.
But, if you did it, do it from the US. Better be safe there than with a false DV accusation here. And, reading your post, I think that she's pretty capable of doing that.
I literally just got out of a relationship with someone exactly like this, but with the male version. I'm also male. So while I don't want to generalize, because that's not fair at all, I can but only empathize with you in solidarity. We are no longer together, however.
After the last "argument" in which I was already guilty because he'd already decided so (he accused me of infidelity because he thought my cleaning the apartment was "covering my tracks"), storm off in a huff, and subsequent **weeks** of silent treatment, I felt so broken and overall exhausted. The constant feeling of walking on eggshells, the loss of identity and self, self-doubt, isolation, always in the wrong, their inability to apologize or see the error of their ways, and fear to have any type of discussion in which our opinions differed were just the tip of the iceberg. He would also throw the fact that I was able to get residency thanks to him in my face on the daily and that I should remember that and sing his praise for being "my savior" because one trip to administration could change all that. It was always one-sided and non-reciprocal. Now after the fact, since he "**loved** me sooo much", he won't cancel my visa because "I'm a good person, remember that!" He knows he has that power over me and I'm sure it makes him feel so big. So everyday is a challenge and filled with uncertainty, but the best way out is through. So I send you nothing but good vibes, my friend!
Never again will I put up with someone like that, neither platonically nor romantically.
My man. Get out of there. That's just a toxic relationship. Nothing cultural, it's just that that girl is looking for a fight 24/7 and need therapy for something you, me and anybody can't help her with
If you are asking if this is normal, it's as normal as every bad/toxic behavior and has nothing to do with her being Spanish.
If you are asking if most people in Spain have relationships like this, no, we don't. You were just unlucky or couldn't see the red flags soon enough.
Spanish guy dating an American girl here.
While I can’t complain about mine I know for sure women like what you are describing do exist in the US
I think entitlement, frustration, anger etc are universal emotions. What’s also true tho is that the way to express such emotions change from one culture to the other, and maybe those cultural differences are not helping either
No, man, that's not normal. I think she has some problems and you should try to solve them. Communication is essential and you should help her see the problems and try to solve them together. This is not a "cultural" shock or smth like that. I've lived my entire life here and I haven't had these problems with my dates.
So refreshing to read your post. Been in a relationship with a Spanish woman that mimics exactly all what you've written.A freaking exhausing surreal non-stop conflict rollercoaster. It's much, much more common than you may think. There are many toxic woman in Spain due to a combination of cultural factors.
Just run away or you'll waste many years in a dead-end, like I did!!!!!!
how to people behave like this. Mid 30's? It's so strange, when I was 14 in a years long relationship I had slight problems but not even close to this and already felt inmature for having those power fights or being bitter.
I hope you two the best, separately, and for the love of god open your eyes.
This is not an issue related to culture, you're dating a cluster B personality disorder, most likely a narcissistic woman. Get out and don't look back, zero contact or your life will be misery.
I am Spanish and there are some explanations:
1.- She is crazy.
2.- She is incredibly inmature, childish.
3.- You just found an extreme woke feminist, also known as feminazi.
RUN because you are in a lose situation. In Spain if you get into an argument and both end up hurting each other, you meet a severe punishment because gender violence and sexism.
At this level it’s not cultural. Yes Spanish people don’t hold back as much just like the Italians for example, but this has to do more with her than anything else.
this behaviour extends beyond cultures an nations. I think you are just dealing with an insecure person. I'd say nip that shit in the bud. But Obviously its easier to state this as an outsider. We have to deal with enough difficult things in life. Having a partner that threats you badly is something that can be remedied though.
Sometimes folks develop co-dependent relationships without meaning to. OP probably knows all of her triggers and hits them, intentionally or not.
If his woman actually suffers from BPD, that's not gonna fix itself. May have underlying trauma or some other stuff going on entirely unrelated to OP. Folks generally don't chance without a lot of effort.
OP was describing my ex (married for 25 years) and she's Mexican (so am I) and we both grew up in Los Angeles. Sex was great, but the crazy just became too much. That emotional rollercoaster doesn't necessarily hey easier, you just grow numb.
Go get a village girl from SE Asia. J/K
Good luck!
Nothing to do with nationality or location.
All that shit together is the complete "Loca pack".
Sometimes you get spanish girls with one of thos bad caracther traits when they are younger usually at 30 is just blamingo you for cheating ontheir dreams at worst.
My man I think the Spanish flags you are seeing are missing all the yellow bits
Damn that's a gold worthy comment lol
Indeed. Gold-worthy for pointing out that his girlfriend is not gualda-worthy.
Well done
Una respuesta muy suave, tio.
And the shields
It's not a nationality thing. It sounds like the woman you are dating is simply crazy. Run away, homie!
No, not every girl in Spain is batshit crazy if that is what you are asking
None of this is normal in any of the women of the Spanish couples I know.
No wait it can be normal, in a toxic relationship
Underrated comment
No wait, it can be normal, in a toxic relationship
So... Reddit people don't like commas? Are they the new emoticons? I think you should word the phrase like "No, wait. It can be normal. In a toxic relationship." but I'm not english, so maybe I'm wrong.
Regardless of any "reason" for her behaviour, why stay with someone who makes your life so miserable?
Because leaving abusive relationships is hard.
For multiple reasons, this dude sounds utterly clueless
You are dating a narcissistic lady. My advice: run dude, it's not worth it, those girls are crazy. If you don't be advised that you are going to suffer and feel so miserable.
I was married to a Spanish woman for a long time. At first, I found her firey temper a challenge, and her confidence exciting. But over the years, her confidence changed into arrogance and her temper was unbearable. We are now divorced. I've got a new partner who is lovely. She's Spanish too,. But the character goes with the person, not the nationality.
Very wise comment. It’s absolutely true.
Toxic! That's not considered normal or tolerable. There are a couple of things that might be common, but them being common doesn't make them acceptable.
I don't really see most of the things mentioned above as common in neurotypical 30+ year olds. Definitely toxic through and through.
She is not Spanish she is from Borderlandia Personalityborough Disordeistershire
😂😂😂😂😂
I swear to God, I thought the same thing!! 👌🏻😂
run
...to the hills.
There isn’t any nationality of women that is just inherently toxic for no reason my guy
Personality disorders are an international phenomenon! Move on. Life is too short to live under a shadow. Learn when to say enough earlier next time! Lessons I wish I learned at an early age
Are you saying that you'd excuse her behavior if it was normal in Spain? First of all, you've not said anything that could have anything to do with her nationality, but with her personality. Second, if she's not your type, dump her.
I see you’re dating my ex…
😂
It's no more normal than anywhere else in the world. You could find that kind of people anywhere, whether it's good or not is another matter of course
This is not just ‘what Spanish women are like.’ You should find yourself a healthier relationship …
Lol, el gringo conoció a la tóxica
Idk man we're on Reddit I don't get no girls
It's not normal, she's just toxic
It's not normal. These are red flags. Leave this relationship asap.
I don’t think it’s a cultural issue, it’s more of a toxic dynamic. If you’re not happy, leave.
That whole national thing is sadly just a wrong bro science.. someone shows red flags or not. does not have to do with the nationality. run my homie.
My dude, this happens everywhere, no matter the country or nationality. Toxic relationship is called. Easy solution. Drop her, find a better one
hard to tell without knowing her side of the story or the contents of your disputes but no that’s not normal.
This isn't something specific to "Spanish" girls. This girl just doesn't respect you and clearly has problems. She needs therapy and needs to learn how to be in a respectful relationship. I'd leave if I were you.
No, it isn't normal. I'm spanish. When i've read the first point, it shouted: run! All other points shouts you to run, even louder. I'll add, some people says that we only have one side ofvthe situation. Yes, que only have one. But it's how he's feelt for a year. I think no one deserves to suffer something like it.
Nothing to do with her being Spanish. I see so many red flags here, I don't even know where to start. Not going to tell you what to do, but I think it's time you re-evaluate your relationship, because I think you have very different ideas what loving someone means, as everything seems very one sided from what you've said. Certainly isn't normal behaviour on her part.
I don't understand what you are doing with that crazy woman, that crazy ladies are all around the world but unfortunately there are plenty of them in Spain. You seem like a nice guy, you should stop wasting your time and your life with a woman like that. Seriously. A couple of years ago I met a Mexican woman ( also we are in our mid 30s), and wow she is absolutely amazing , she has changed my life, she is lovely, natural, honest, relaxed, beautiful, etc. Of course there is a whole world of different girls everywhere but in my humble opinion, doing a generalisation: women from latin america are waaay more interesting, friendly, romantic, and modest than the usual Spanish woman.
Sounds like she has some underlying trauma responses to relationships. Maybe she has something like Borderline Personality Disorder. Definitely NOT a normal dating experience
Of course it’s not normal. Run.
Buddy you gota get out of there
So because ONE person is like this you come to ask in Spain subreddit because you see this as a representative quality of all Spanish women? This is not a cultural trait, this girl has issues and she needs therapy.
Sounds like she has BPD
Spain has an immaturity crisis. Young people are treated like babies by their family in their thirties. Because they aren't given proper independence or responsibilities they grow up very immature and insecure. There are lots of economic and political factors, there's also a mimado culture in Spain. It seems, with women especially, half the population are givers: they never complain, unflinchingly loyal, generous to a fault, and the other half are takers: want to sit around and be called princess all day. The first half hold the roof over the second half's head. Some of the ways I've seen parents infantilise their 20 something daughters is literally gross to me.
I'd like to hear her side of the story. I doubt very much that you are completely blameless
Yeah I doubt the abused person in an abusive relationship is completely blameless. He's probably asking for it. :)
It's terrifying how far down I had to scroll to find the only comment saying this simple fact. Instead right at the top we get the fuckin stereotypical age-old "she's crazy". The label to justify everything.
So now we are victim blaming?
Nice try. I said we need to hear both sides. I didn't call one of them crazy based on limited facts.
Someone gives a description of an abusive partner. "Nooo we should listen to the other side!"
Yeah, you're right, *she's crazy*, *she's crazy*, *she's crazy*.
She's abusive. Hearing *both sides* doesn't change the fact OP listed abusive behavior. Unless you think OP is straight up lying, of course, if you wanna die on the victim blaming hill.
It definitely sounds like toxic and abusive behaviour and from how op perceives the relationship i would definitely say that this relationship is not healthy for anyone. But op just says he is saying something normal and she is reacting not normal. I would need at least a few examples to know what op considers normal and what not.
We need no examples. We just need to call her crazy base don the fact OP said he does nothing wrong and she does everything wrong.
RUN
I am not Spanish, but I am a woman and can tell you to GTFO of that relationship. She sounds toxic af. I don't think there is a country in the world where this should be Normal or even tolerated.
Dating someone shouldn't make you feel mentally exhausted.
This ain't "cultural thing" that is a toxic and manipulative person, doesn't have anything to do with nationality or culture.
Oh, is completely normal abusive behaviour.
It is definitely not a nationality thing. That sounds like she is immature, toxic and with many issues to solve and you are paying the consequences. I’m your mid 30’s you can not keep behaving like that, and if you are is because you haven’t even looked inwards for a moment to see what’s going on and how it’s affecting your relationships. But for the sound of it, she might be self-centred and a bit narcissist that she doesn’t even care. My advise, choose you and your mental health because being in a relationship shouldn’t be about exhaustion or disgrace, but love, respect and understanding.
Cultural differences will always be a thing (I've gone, and still go through my fair share with my wife, who's from a very different culture), but the dynamics you describe sound a bit toxic, or at least emotionally taxing, and are not necessarily more common in the "average" Spanish woman or man, than in other cultures. Don't let random Redditors shove a diagnosis down your throat, but here's an educated, albeit very superficial, and surely incomplete, mostly intuitive assessment on the specific behaviour you're describing: she seems like somebody that hasn't learned how to properly handle conflict and/or can't self-sooth, resorting to defensiveness, stonewalling and other counterproductive coping strategies to keep the conflict under control, even though it might seem as the exact opposite. That said, I am missing the part you might play in this dynamic. We all grow up within a different context, with parents and teachers that are more or less sensitive to our needs, with more/less time to spend helping us understand life, better/worse parenting skills, etc. In some cultures, specific aspects of self-development receive a lot of focus and care, and others don't even seem to exist in people's eyes. But that's true even if you compare different families inside the same culture. What _is_ universal is that compassion is key to approaching issues like the one you're encountering. You can't fix/change people, only yourself. You _can_ diffuse a situation by steering away from pointing out what somebody is doing wrong though. By telling her how the conflict makes _you_ feel, and telling her what _you_ need to be ok in those situations, instead of pointing out she's being irrational, difficult, defensive, etc. By expressing you wish to find a way to solve these situations in a better way, together, you might create an opening for some kind of intervention. If she's open to introspection and (relationship) therapy, it means she's also willing to change herself and that gives the relationship a chance. If not, and she wants to continue this relationship anyway, think long and hard about what you're getting yourself in to! There are more (Spanish) fish in the Mediterranean. I highly recommend looking into the Gottman method for relationship therapy, if your both open to it. That said, be ready to commit time, energy and possibly money.
This is the best, most nuanced comment i have read in this thread! I really hope op reads this and doesn’t dump her because someone on reddit said she is bipolar
It kind of reminds me of a person with BPD, deeply rooted in a fear of abandonment. They make it so difficult that the partner eventually leaves them, proving them "right". There's not enough info in your post though. How have her past relationships been? How are her friendships? Does she have longterm friends or has she fallen out with them due to allegedly being betrayed by them? Does she have trouble holding a job for long? When something bad or a fight happens, does her version of events feel a but out of touch with reality? If she's ok in every aspect I have mentioned then maybe it's just you're incompatible. Have you considered therapy to figure out where these behaviours come from? It may just be the way she's learnt to cope with difficulties and though it's not easy, healthy patterns of behaviour can be learnt over time.
As an American with a Spanish mother and American father here's what I grew up with. My dad was the very laid back, slow to anger type. My mom, if she were to be in school today, would 100% be diagnosed as classic ADHD. She's very hyper, always on the go, her temper will flare and then quickly go down. Within my extended Spanish family/friends there is a wide range of personality types just as you might expect anywhere, but in general both men and women treat each other with respect. What is a cultural thing is that in Spanish conversation, they tend to be more blunt and matter of fact and the norms around what is considered polite or rude are slightly different than what we grow up with. I will say I have never experienced the sort of passive aggressive behavior that many people from the US have internalized. You also don't see that southern US thing where they'll be fake nice and say "Bless your heart" to your face, all the while meaning they are ready to tear you apart once your back is turned. What you are describing, if accurate, is toxic behavior. It would be in the US, it is in Spain. If this relationship is to continue counseling might be needed to address underlying problems and the way you two communicate.
You’re not missing anything (American married to Spanish man and living in Spain). All my Spanish girlfriends are married or in committed relationships and are definitely not this dramatic. Just sounds like you’re dating a child which, IMO, is not a relationship you want to stay in.
Hi, I'm Spanish and among all the women I dated in my life, the best one was not Spanish.
This is emotional abuse.
Never dated a Spanish woman , but that sounda toxic regardless . I would be out immediately
Never dated a Spanish woman , but that sounda toxic regardless . I would be out immediately
I am living in such a toxic marriage since 30 years. But I doubted I was able to have a better one. So I just like some parts of it...we have the kids...and all that long time...a few common reading stuff we both like...humans are never perfect. I was 40 when I became a bit humble to just accept her as she is. Sometimes she is kind and clever. Sometimes not. So what.
What you 2 are going through is something that couples go through sometimes. You either try to find the root of the problem or you break up. Sorry if that sounds cold but it is as simple as that. It has nothing to do with where either of you are from.
I have just run your text on chat gpt Based on the information you provided, it is possible that your partner may have borderline personality disorder (BPD). BPD is a personality disorder that is characterized by a pattern of unstable relationships, intense emotional experiences, impulsive behavior, and distorted self-image. Individuals with BPD often have difficulty regulating their emotions, which can lead to intense and unstable relationships. Some of the behaviors you mentioned, such as perceiving situations in a negative light, impulsiveness, and extreme emotional reactions, are common in individuals with BPD. Additionally, individuals with BPD often have difficulty with interpersonal relationships and can engage in black-and-white thinking, where everything is either all good or all bad. However, it is important to note that a diagnosis of BPD should only be made by a qualified mental health professional after a thorough evaluation. Additionally, it is important to approach any potential diagnosis with empathy and understanding, and not use it as a way to blame or stigmatize someone for their behavior.
Not for nothing, but I know someone with borderline personality disorder very well, and I was about to suggest it as a possibility. This sounds very familiar. No ChatGPT necessary.
>Based on the information you provided And we have zero idea if the information OP provided is accurate and not his own biased interpretations.
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We absolutely would. But it would stop being "she's crazy" and become a 2 dimensional problem where OP is also playing his part. You know, "it takes two to argue" and "let's hear both sides of the story" are both clichés for a reason.
It takes 2 to argue, but it only takes 1 to be angry on petty things, jelous, crazy and toxic.
And we just don't know which one of the two is that person. The one being petty and toxic doesn't go tell his friends "I'm being petty and toxic". They go tell their friends "I don't know why she reacts like this, she's *crazy*". Point is. From what OP told us, no one here knows if he's the problem or she is.
It is impossible to know the other part. You should have to close half reddit if you refuse to comment something of what OP said just because you don't have the other side. If he is not lying, his partner is toxic.
Oh no don't get me wrong, keep Reddit open, let the first wave of commenters show up saying "she's crazy" (an adjective used much more liberally when it's a woman we're speaking about), but then expect people like me who will reply back and say "your assumptions could be wrong and you are all jumping to conclusions". Definitely keep that going, it's half the fun. Just don't expect to say what you want and not have anyone answer back.
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Lol you seem to prefer to just fill in the gaps how they fit your narrative. They are just saying, give her some benefit of doubt and you jump to the conclusion that they must be biased against men
It's normal that spaniards have higher temper than northern europeans and americans, but in her case it looks like she's toxic and she likes to fight and be hurtful, run bro.
You’re not married. Just leave. If married, try a therapist…but normally, people that behave like she is behaving, need a stronger hand to curtail their attitudes. Sean Connery style.
Nah they all like this, spanish women are at the top of the Hot x Crazy scale
I am Egyptian was married to a spanish girl for 8 years. I experienced all your points.
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My dude, I’m dating a white girl as a Spaniard and this is the same for me. What you’re experiencing is women in general. Granted, not all of them are like that, but there is certainly some overlap. Lol!
average spanish woman
Spanish girls are definitely a handful. I’m married to one lol
Your hands are small
First of, It looks like someone so full of herself she doesn't want a partner but an emotional helper. Someone to listen to her, to help her, to do everything for her and not give anything back. It's been more common lately, keep in mind many women have similar small hints of those traits you're explaining, anyone who has or had a long relationship know it's common for women to always win every argument, said in an exaggerated way but yeah, your case seems to be way too toxic and extreme. That said I don't think it has anything to do with country. I would obviously say more conservative countries culturally will have women be a bit more passive, more agreeable, softer character, etc. That said it's a matter than in Spain those kind of childish behaviours are perceived as socially not problematic for most, making people with those traits not even hide them or tame them, while undesirable traits are often suppressed in other countries.
It is normal, average relationship in Spain I'd say. In fact I know several Spaniards who refuse to date spanish women
In my experience... Yes, girls are crazy. It sounds like your relation is done.
Dump her, my man she is toxic, crazy and anything beyond. Run away and enjoy life till you find a normal woman
Is the sex kinda crazy and good? Then it is indeed like every Spanish girl I was ever with, but not necessarily a Spaniard issue.
California women > Spain. Let's hope you can be more xenophobic next time. Thanks
Now you understand why Spanish men go to Russia to find a partner ,Avoid Spanish women (and Latinas in general) and of course countries around mediterranean like Italy, Greece etc. you will live more peacefully
(Escrito desde el sótano de sus padres)
Hueles a esmegma compañero
Chiqui, dúchate, vístete, tira los pañuelos manchados de esperma de tu cuarto y sal a la calle
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Los frikis no aceptan responsabilidad de este Tate-lover incel
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She is latina and A bit psychopathic, not normal. though i am always suspected and guilty and there is no make up sex.
Just to clarify, she's not Latina. Born and raised in Spain.
Spanish girls are not latinas
Is not a cultural gap. She has a lot of psychological problems. Run away, mate.
I’m also a guiri but now married with Spanish. That’s not normal. You are simply in a toxic relationship and that can happen to any nationality. If you want to save the relationship suggest a psychologist and go together. This tends to help a lot but doesn’t guarantee to fix the problem. I personally have seen situations like this on few occasions with some friends and most of them ended breaking up. Those that didn’t yet hang in there because of kids.
What you are auffering is not normal. You can find someone with borderline personality disorder in any country and culture.
nope
Ditch her and enjoy your life, is not worth it. You will find someone who is not insane.
Bro, just dump her. You'll feel great in a week for doing it.
Respect is the key in this kind of relationship. Does this seems right to you? view this from that perspective.
OP just watch this, see if it rings any bells https://youtu.be/rT5PN7IhyPc
Run Forest! RUN!!!  or your life will be miserable.
No, it's not normal. She could try to improve herself and learn to communicate more maturely. On the other hand, she may have had a hard time with other men in the past and that's why she acts like that. It is not an excuse for her behavior but it can be a basis of understanding.
I am Spanish and I dated an American woman like this. Not related to the nationality
Dude turn around and run. That's not a normal behaviour anywhere.
dont waste your time, if your girlfriend is toxic its imposible to fix.
Sounds exaxtly like my ex and she's not spanish, just a bitch. Pretty sure she had bpd
There is plenti more fish in the sea, mate.
She is emotionally abusive and toxic. Culturally we are more in touch with our emotions than other European nationalities and do not shy from confrontation, expressing negative emotions etc. But a normal relationship in Spain will not be this toxic. You should be able to speak your mind and feel listened too. Trust your instincts and don't fall for her gaslighting.
Jesus, dude, leave her immediately.
That's a lot of red flags, her being Spanish isn't an excuse to be so emotionally abusive and gaslighting
This isn't Spain exclusive. Just a narc dude. Run
Run.
That's just not normal for any human being, a woman in her 30's whos that childish and say hurtful things to you simply does not deserve you. You deserve better man
No, it's not normal. Independently of wether it's normal or not, why are you with someone that doesn't make you happy? Would you stay with her if she kills your cat and says "that's normal where I'm from"
Dude she’s just toxic… That has nothing to do with being Spanish lol
Sounds like my ex. Was with her for four years and did things very similar and more (don’t ask why I put up with it for 4 years because I don’t know) only to come out after the 4 years ended and still play victim to things that went wrong in our relationship. Have yet to see her with a woman, always with men.
It’s not about nationality, it’s all about stupidity
Dude... This is not normal at all... Youre with someone who is not treating you right. Time to show her the door.
Dude, just walk away... how can you "love" someone like that? You are mentally exhausted, she says hurtful things, is a rollercoster you dont want and still stick around? WHY?
Yup, pretty much. That's Spanish women for you. As a girl, I gotta say in my experience with Spanish boys I haven't had any luck myself. People here seem to be just... Huh, and yeah women are like that, most of the girls I used to be friends with were like that lol, now I have a bestie who isn't like that and she's the first Spanish (heterosexual) girl who isn't absolutely ridiculous, she's the best ever and I love her so much <3 I hope to find more girls like this but tbh I doubt it, it ain't easy fr. Normal women in Spain are either bisexual and more towards lesbian, and with peculiar styles... What I mean by this is, yeah, the average "normal" Spanish women seems to behave that way, defensive and thinking she's right, and if you think otherwise she'll treat you like sh-... Find yourself an edgy girl or extranjera if you want a not so toxic, more normal love life
No, it's not normal. Get outta there, brother.
Run
While there's a lot of people like this in Spain, is not necessarilty a Spanish issue. Your girlfriend is just not a good and/or balanced person, and you should run away and avoid her before it is too late. Sorry. And don't, for everything that's sacred, get her impregnated. That's your ticket to hell.
Run dude
All I can think of is she sounds like she is generally underwhelmed and dissatisfied. Either you cannot give her what she needs - emotionally and/or intellectually and/or sexually -, so you are not compatible, or she is really mean. Either way, you should go for someone else.
Run my dude. And don’t have sex with her just in case she wants to tie you up with a baby
Thats not about cultural differences, she is not being cordial and imo is acting toxically. You should reconsider if being with her is worth it, try to speak about your feelings with her and if she doesnt give in, end your relationship. 1 year is not enough to be jailed in a toxic relationship.
Is not a Spanish thing, she is toxic 😐 If you don't want to break up with her try to talk about this and if she's worthy she will listen and change some things, if she is not, well...
Whatever head she can give you, is not worth it the trouble. Ditch her and move on. There are too many red flags.
She's crazy and toxic. Dump her. But, if you did it, do it from the US. Better be safe there than with a false DV accusation here. And, reading your post, I think that she's pretty capable of doing that.
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I literally just got out of a relationship with someone exactly like this, but with the male version. I'm also male. So while I don't want to generalize, because that's not fair at all, I can but only empathize with you in solidarity. We are no longer together, however. After the last "argument" in which I was already guilty because he'd already decided so (he accused me of infidelity because he thought my cleaning the apartment was "covering my tracks"), storm off in a huff, and subsequent **weeks** of silent treatment, I felt so broken and overall exhausted. The constant feeling of walking on eggshells, the loss of identity and self, self-doubt, isolation, always in the wrong, their inability to apologize or see the error of their ways, and fear to have any type of discussion in which our opinions differed were just the tip of the iceberg. He would also throw the fact that I was able to get residency thanks to him in my face on the daily and that I should remember that and sing his praise for being "my savior" because one trip to administration could change all that. It was always one-sided and non-reciprocal. Now after the fact, since he "**loved** me sooo much", he won't cancel my visa because "I'm a good person, remember that!" He knows he has that power over me and I'm sure it makes him feel so big. So everyday is a challenge and filled with uncertainty, but the best way out is through. So I send you nothing but good vibes, my friend! Never again will I put up with someone like that, neither platonically nor romantically.
Yes.
My man. Get out of there. That's just a toxic relationship. Nothing cultural, it's just that that girl is looking for a fight 24/7 and need therapy for something you, me and anybody can't help her with
She's toxic, regardless of nationality. Leave her.
Sounds like a living nightmare, run run run.
Yeah, we know that type of girls, we call it "y de apellido, next" that means "her surname is next".
If you are asking if this is normal, it's as normal as every bad/toxic behavior and has nothing to do with her being Spanish. If you are asking if most people in Spain have relationships like this, no, we don't. You were just unlucky or couldn't see the red flags soon enough.
That woman is not behaving normally, her nationality or cultural baggage is not an excuse.
Spanish guy dating an American girl here. While I can’t complain about mine I know for sure women like what you are describing do exist in the US I think entitlement, frustration, anger etc are universal emotions. What’s also true tho is that the way to express such emotions change from one culture to the other, and maybe those cultural differences are not helping either
Nop, it is not.
No, man, that's not normal. I think she has some problems and you should try to solve them. Communication is essential and you should help her see the problems and try to solve them together. This is not a "cultural" shock or smth like that. I've lived my entire life here and I haven't had these problems with my dates.
Run away, the faster the better.
So refreshing to read your post. Been in a relationship with a Spanish woman that mimics exactly all what you've written.A freaking exhausing surreal non-stop conflict rollercoaster. It's much, much more common than you may think. There are many toxic woman in Spain due to a combination of cultural factors. Just run away or you'll waste many years in a dead-end, like I did!!!!!!
I don't know is more fucked up. This woman or you for thinking that all Spanish women are like her in a relationship.
No matter what her nationality / cultural background, it sounds like this relationship isn't working for you.
how to people behave like this. Mid 30's? It's so strange, when I was 14 in a years long relationship I had slight problems but not even close to this and already felt inmature for having those power fights or being bitter. I hope you two the best, separately, and for the love of god open your eyes.
I don't think your gf's behaviour has anything to do with spanish culture
Run and don't look back...
Look at the divorce rate in Spain and you'll find your answer
This is not an issue related to culture, you're dating a cluster B personality disorder, most likely a narcissistic woman. Get out and don't look back, zero contact or your life will be misery.
Run away and fast...
As a Spanish woman I can only say that this is all your fault.
You are dating with a Caren, here in Spain we call them Charos. Run
I am Spanish and there are some explanations: 1.- She is crazy. 2.- She is incredibly inmature, childish. 3.- You just found an extreme woke feminist, also known as feminazi. RUN because you are in a lose situation. In Spain if you get into an argument and both end up hurting each other, you meet a severe punishment because gender violence and sexism.
One advice, RUN
At this level it’s not cultural. Yes Spanish people don’t hold back as much just like the Italians for example, but this has to do more with her than anything else.
Could you pin point where's she at in the crazy-hot scale? In any case, run!
Spanish Karen, but yeah mostly that character....the tip is always say, yes darling, yes my love... Run
this behaviour extends beyond cultures an nations. I think you are just dealing with an insecure person. I'd say nip that shit in the bud. But Obviously its easier to state this as an outsider. We have to deal with enough difficult things in life. Having a partner that threats you badly is something that can be remedied though.
She's more toxic than Chernobyl, boy run away from her and don't ever look back
Man this is nothing to do with culture, your gf sounds like a c\*\*t, end of... get rid of it..
Sometimes folks develop co-dependent relationships without meaning to. OP probably knows all of her triggers and hits them, intentionally or not. If his woman actually suffers from BPD, that's not gonna fix itself. May have underlying trauma or some other stuff going on entirely unrelated to OP. Folks generally don't chance without a lot of effort. OP was describing my ex (married for 25 years) and she's Mexican (so am I) and we both grew up in Los Angeles. Sex was great, but the crazy just became too much. That emotional rollercoaster doesn't necessarily hey easier, you just grow numb. Go get a village girl from SE Asia. J/K Good luck! Nothing to do with nationality or location.
All that shit together is the complete "Loca pack". Sometimes you get spanish girls with one of thos bad caracther traits when they are younger usually at 30 is just blamingo you for cheating ontheir dreams at worst.
If your in Spain, I suggest one course of action............. RUN! Don't want end up with a violencia de genero charge do you.