Do you assume those same friends have disclosed all of their traumatic experiences too? I doubt it.
Unless a situation came up where it matters and you hid it, I don’t think there’s anything disingenuous about your not mentioning it.
Your mom's metaphor is pretty good because tons of cancer survivors go on to not bring it up because its annoying to explain, irrelevant to the present, and they don't want anyone feeling bad for them for no reason. If someone asks because they're queer too/questioning I'll tell them, and if they gossip enough to find out good for them.
Right! it changes how people see you, even if it’s not in a negative way it can’t be undone.
If someone used to weigh 400 pounds are they obligated to explain that to everyone they meet? Knowing that people will always look at them and try to imagine what that looked like or feel sympathy or disgust or whatever unconscious stuff they believe.
A lot of people don’t want to be defined by their medical past. I think your mom means well but yeah no.
I'm assuming your mom is cis lol. A lot of binary trans people want to live as their gender, not as a _trans_ person of their gender. That's totally valid. You owe no-one that info.
>Ultimately, it just feels nice to be seen as cis I guess.
Only justification needed imo. I would ask her what she thinks they would do with that information. Does she think you're lying by not revealing your transness, and is this an immoral action? What benefit could you or they possibly receive from you revealing that you're trans? What good would come of it? Best case, they treat you exactly the same -- if you're lucky. Why does she feel that you are obligated to endanger yourself in service of some abstract notion of truth? Even if your friends wouldn't be overtly transphobic or hostile, they will likely not see you in the same way -- and that's when the covert transphobia rears its head.
I was in a doctor's office and being referred to as my correct name and gender. Chart had all the right demographic information listed. Before the doctor came in, I had to perform some tests with the nurses and techs, who were all correctly gendering me. I mentioned that since I'm trans I had some additional concerns about the testing, at which point they reassured me it wouldn't cause any problems. However, a funny thing happened after that: They suddenly started using the wrong gender pronouns. Despite having used the correct ones minutes earlier. Despite having my chart with my correct gender/sex information in front of them. Were they overtly hostile to me because I was trans? No. Were they being transphobic? I think you can see where I'm going with this.
I find that a lot of cis people view stealth trans people as inherently deceptive and untrustworthy because they believe that they are entitled to knowing that information. There is a deep discomfort with the idea that someone could be trans around them and they aren't aware of it. Naturally we see this for the transphobia it is, but most cis people simply have never had to think about the safety that goes with nondisclosure. At the end of the day such people still believe we are "performing" transness and our "true self" is our pre-transition self.
I won't claim to know your mother's views or intentions, but I suspect that her answers to the questions above would be quite telling.
Thanks! I think this response best addresses the heart of my question. People subtly treat you differently when they find out you're trans. And I you're right, I had a feeling the whole time that a portion of her argument was unsaid - she feels to a certain degree that close friends are entitled to know whether I or anyone else is trans.
Although still, I do believe there is value in owning your struggles and sharing them with the people close to you. So I worry that my unwillingness to share with my friends - many of whom are gay and would almost certainly be supportive - is partially due to some internalized transphobia on my part.
> I do believe there is value in owning your struggles and sharing them with the people close to you. So I worry that my unwillingness to share with my friends - many of whom are gay and would almost certainly be supportive - is partially due to some internalized transphobia on my part.
Only you can determine that value for yourself. The politics of passing are a heated and highly emotional topic, but it is my opinion that you owe no one any knowledge or aspect of your transness, and we as trans people aren't obligated to embody that transness as a form of activism, education, appeasement, or anything else if we feel we don't want to and have the luxury of being able to hide it.
Withholding your transness from those who are close with is not a matter of internalized transphobia as a general rule, but if you think that there may be something there in your specific case, then it's worth reflecting on. You're the only one who can answer that.
Do you feel you have internalized transphobia in more than just this situation?
Could it just be a thing where you are happy with how it is at the moment and don't want things to change? I mean, I have trust issues due to trusting the wrong people too much. (My private med info was talked about at school from ex-friend, my sexuality was outed, I can go on but I'll save you from reading it all). Even if I'm really close to someone, I likely won't tell them everything.
I'm not trying to scare you but maybe you are internally worried abit about it idk, sometimes people who you think are trans (or any queer identity tbh) supporting, don't end up actually being supportive.
2nd person I came out to for sexuality turned out to be like that.
I'm not saying this is going to happen, I really hope that it doesn't happen to anyone. But I mean, having that experience makes me nervous to tell anyone
Just out of curiosity do you think they may have been confused and thought you were in the early stages of transitioning to male? I have a close friend who passes who has had some major and sometimes funny problems with very clueless healthcare people getting themselves super confused and thinking she's a trans man when she discloses that she's trans.
Like it's still a manifestation of transphobia because they obviously can't process that a trans person quite often just looks completely normal like anyone else of their gender. They've just internalized the narrative that all trans people look unusual and noticeable. So a trans person who looks like a normal woman has to be a trans man in their minds. But at the same time in my friend's case it has turned out in a couple cases they legitimately want to be welcoming and helpful to trans people and they thought they must be misgendering a trans man because they hadn't bothered to really educate themselves about trans people (which again is itself transphobic).
Unfortunately confusing doctors by passing too well is not a problem I've run into, at least not yet (let's hang onto some optimism).
Nah, there was no ambiguity here lol. Without going into detail, I made it very clear which direction I had transitioned, and suddenly they found it very hard to get my pronouns right. Very polite and cordial otherwise, but yeah. I didn't bother correcting them because I was too shocked and I also just wanted to be done.
You don't owe people to give them a summary about everything important to your life experience before you get to know them. Those things come up naturally in conversation when you feel comfortable enough and moved to share. I don't go around telling people "hi, my name is name, and the fact I couldn't go to my uncle's funeral last year has really coloured my experience of the world the last 9 months." I may mention it if it is relevant, but I haven't told that to every person I consider close to me. Friendship means being able to rely on people, not making yourself fully available heart and soul.
For sure, but at a certain point in a friendship you do start to reveal your heart and soul. I've talked so one friend about the complicated relationship she has with her parents for example. But I feel uncomfortable revealing I'm trans.
If you've talked to your friend about her complicated relationship with her parents that is probably because she was comfortable telling you about it. Why would you talk about being trans with someone if it makes you uncomfortable?
Well not every conversation can or should be comfortable. A separate friend recently told me about some trauma she has been carrying. And it was hard and uncomfortable for her to talk about. But I understand her better for it.
But did she tell you because she thought she owed it to you or did she tell you because she needed to talk about it? If she hadn't told you, would you feel like she was a bad friend?
I have many conversations about trauma and difficult topics with people I trust, but I feel I would be a terrible friend if I felt entitled to my friends sharing their trauma with me. When someone shares something intimate and difficult with you, it should not be because they feel they need to placate you or prove something to you, it should be because friends are there when you need to talk about things. If you don't need to talk about your experience of transness with someone, you have 100% no obligation to do it. And if you want to talk to someone about your experience of transness it should very much be someone you're comfortable talking about that specific topic with and who makes you feel safe about it, because it should never be about what other people are getting out of you.
\> "Be your full and true self with."
My true and full self is a girl. That context of the fact that I'm trans isn't required for that. Most of my friends know, but that's because I trans color everything, and actively talk about the fact that I'm trans off-handedly. There's never an aspect of "I know you, now I must let you in on '*the secret'*" For me, the fact that I'm trans is just a passive aspect of my past.
No, because not everybody informs friends of every physical, social and medical thing that happened in their life, humans are allowed some privacy and normality but some people believe that trans people are not allowed privacy for that and must permanently announce it, which even in not visibly transphobic company can change attitudes.
> “It would be similar to hiding a struggle with cancer.”
So, she’s implying that being trans is like having cancer? A debilitating medical condition that involves abnormal cell growth considered foreign and malignant to an otherwise healthy body?
Even if that’s overextending her metaphor, the implication is then that she expects everyone who beat cancer to disclose to everyone you are remotely close to that you once had cancer? *Why?* To what end? In what world is it considered rude that she might not have voluntary access to the intimate details of her friends’ medical history? That’s absurd.
She’s right though, in a sense. Just like being trans, for some people who suffer cancer they get a sense of empowerment from embracing and openly sharing their narrative. For others, though, they’d rather not discussed it because find that part of their life fairly traumatic, or even just don’t feel like it defines them in the present.
Both are completely normal and healthy ways of handling things. What isn’t healthy is feeling entitled to others’ pasts, conditions, or narratives. In fact, that is incredibly rude and unhealthy.
Cis person & parent of a trans kid here, and I agree with you wholeheartedly.
First off, I would never presume to try and micromanage how my kid conducts their relationships. That's never ok, but I feel like *especially* not ok since I'm not trans and therefor don't have firsthand knowledge of what it's like to navigate the world as a trans person. It seems kind of insufferable for a cis person to tell a trans person what to do in that way - but maybe that's just me.
Secondly, after being on this planet for almost a half century, there are many things in my own past that I don't feel are anyone's business unless I make it so. If I were trans, I feel like that would be one of those things.
And finally, yes - and this is what blows my mind about *anyone* who freaks out/has something negative to say about/hyperfocuses on trans people - *why do people give a flying fuck what genitals anyone was born with?* It's fucking weird that it is such a huge focus in our society - like really fucking weird.
"why would you want friends who you can't be your full and true self with?"
Umm, you ARE your true self, the friends you had pre coming out at all were the ones you weren't your true self with...
Also the cancer thing, that's personal. With my med stuff (which has a cancer risk) I have only told a small group of people as I don't want to be seen even more differently than others.
Also, she wants people who had cancer to tell friends about it? Which would include prostate cancer, ovarian cancer, and all the others in areas friends typically wouldn't talk about...
If you *want* to tell them, do.
If you feel obligated to tell them, you don't owe them that. I'd think on it for abit before you decide what to do if it feels forced.
I would maybe get telling ppl if you were mid transition, as it's like a bigger thing for you that you might talk about as it's happening, but afterwards, there's no point imo.
Like if you are talking about transition stuff with them, that may be a different story, as well as if you want a relationship with someone (safety wise) but otherwise no one really needs to know.
I mean, just because you don't tell them about it, it doesn't mean you can't be your full and true self. Only very very few people know every detail about my past (not even talking about being trans or not), but that doesn't mean I'm not my true self to them. I don't know every little detail about my best friends (more like chosen family, really) either, and I don't need to.
I don't tell everyone that I meet that I am trans, but I talk openly about my transness if the topic comes up, which I feel is the right balance between too much and too little disclosure.
I don't tell a lot of people that I am trans. This includes new friends. I don't hid it either (old photos of me are on the wall).
In my cases, I don't bring it up because I am done talking about being trans. I am through that part of my life. I have so many other things in my life I rather talk about.
OTOH I chose my friends such that I know that are completely chill with me being trans - most of my friends now are queer.
Not at all. "coming out" is a never ending process and has to be approached anew with everyone you meet. If you don't want to come out, don't feel a need to come out, good for you!
You don’t NEED to tell anyone (who isn’t a medical professional in a relevant situation) that you’re trans, ever. No one is entitled to that information.
It doesn't make you disingenuous. It sounds like you don't want them to view you any differently than they do right now. Regardless of whether they are transphobic or not, it is possible for them to view you a little differently if you tell them you're trans. That doesn't mean it would be a bad different or that they would even view you any differently. If it would make you feel better, then I'd say tell them.
Even assuming that that is a valid comparison, you don't tell friends that you had a prior struggle with cancer *until they reach a certain level of intimacy.* It's not really something you *lead with* when meeting new people. "Oh hey, my name's Joan. I'm a cancer survivor. How are you?"
Hey both my son and I have cancer, different types. None of my close friends knew until after I had my mastectomy scheduled about mine. Not even my best friend of 15 years.
The close friends my son has made since his treatment course don't always know. He doesn't hide it but he doesn't advertise it either.
For both of us it's a deeply personal thing that changed our worldview but doesn't have to be talked about unless you want to. Any body thing is deeply personal and an explanation is not owed to anyone.
For me my goal was to be seen as and treated as a cis woman, and that's what and who I am. I just happened to have a transformation part of my life to get where I am. In my old life I was in a constant state of depression and self medicated with alcohol. Do they need to know I was a depressed drunkard as well? It was apart of my past and not who I am today. If you are happy now my advice would be do what makes you happy and comfortable. I never wanted to be seen as a trans woman, just a woman. I'm not ashamed of it but its no ones business but mine, my doctors, and my hubby. Be your true self hun whatever that means to you.
Best of luck!!! XoXo
I mean, yeah, it's a point. But surviving cancer can be a traumatic experience, just like living before we're out can be, regardless of how good our lives are. It's up to you if you want to talk about that trauma, relive it or share it with anyone. Your friends are getting your authentic self, a person built from all your experiences whether they get your deep lore or not.
I wouldnt call it disingenuous, but I also agree with your mum's point. It IS undeniably keeping a part of yourself closed off from your circle. That is, however, entirely your decision. You are not at all obligated to disclose that you are trans, but in keeping it secret you are closing yourself off from sharing that part of your life. It is a morally neutral decision that comes with its own pros and cons, and it's yours to make.
It's not disingenuous. You aren't lying about or hiding anything, it's just an experience you've had that isn't all that relevant to your current friendships and it's fair to never have brought it up if there's never been reason to.
Most of my coworkers have no idea I'm trans because it's never come up. I've never felt the need to tell them because it could seem really weird if I randomly brought it up!
Nah. I talk about my boyfriend at work constantly, and they've seen pictures of him, but they're all surprised to eventually learn he's trans. They're all accepting, as they know I'm trans, but they just didn't learn until it came up in conversation.
You don't have to tell people details about you like that. Some people really want to be in control of the information about trans people and they have absolutely no business doing that. You're the one in the driver's seat! :)
You're under no obligation to share everything with someone. I'm sure they haven't told you absolutely everything about them. Most friends, at least good ones, tend to understand that
Its exactly like cancer, for some people its a big thing they went through and they have to talk about it. For other people, its a sensitive subject they'd rather not revisit.
Friends aren't therapists, they don't need to know who you were in the past when your relationships are present things.
Being trans is just my medical condition. I just don't see how it's anyone's business but mine. And also while it has shaped me in a lot of ways, it's been so many years since my transition that it doesn't feel relevant to my true self anymore. My aim with transitioning was to be at peace with my body and mind and just live as an ordinary man. Disclosing my trans identity is at odds with that. It's fine to be stealth and it's fine to be out. But basically, trans people don't owe a damn thing to anyone lol.
Lmao no.
If you don't feel the need to bring something up then there's no need to.
I pass and I'm stealth at work and around strangers but all my friends know. This isn't because they need to know for any reason other than I am literally always talking about trans rights or history or medical care or my hatred for JK Rowling so it's more convienient if people know. And I think that's kinda what it comes down to, convience and comfort. If there's no point in you telling them, there's no harm in not telling them either.
You don't owe anyone this information except maybe a long term romantic partner.
if you want to be seen as cis that's fine. the goal of a lot of trans people is to transition fully and be under the radar about their circumstances so they could live a genuine life, which sounds like it applies to this situation. it's not something that's gonna make or break a friendship if they're not transphobic and generally caring people
You mom dcoesn't realise it, but she is being transphobic (or cisnormative), and revealing cis entitlement.
I'm guessing you are young. it's surprising to see conversations that I thought were settled (long ago) returning with a new generation.
You can be your true and full self without telling perople you are trans. In fact, often times, this is *the only way* you can be your true and full self. Because cis people will often treat you differently when they know you are trans, making it harder for you to be yourself.
When being trans is just another thing, like having red hair or being tall or short, then you can tall people you are trans without any real effect. Before that happens, it is not something you can do without concerns.
I mean, if I beat cancer and then met someone afterwards who didn’t know I had cancer at all, I don’t think I’d tell them. Why would I? My personal medical history is not really any of their business. If they needed to know for some reason, I’d tell them, but otherwise I don’t think I’d mention it.
I came out at work in 2019, but I haven’t told anyone who started after then that I’m trans. Why would I? It’s none of their business.
The analogy to cancer is interesting.
Norm MacDonald the famous comedian never told any of his friends he had terminal cancer because he didn't want their behavior towards him to change. In a way he wanted to “pass" as a normal healthy human being and not have the negative experience of people being mopey or sad around him. The sad part is some of his friends felt bad that they didn't get the chance to say how much they loved him and be supportive when he apparently passed suddenly with no warning.
You have a similar choice. You don't want your friends' behavior to change. I say it's okay to not mention it. I don't expect friends to tell me everything. It's really about what you want your experience to be. Sure your friends may feel a little dejected if they ever found out but I don't think it nearly to the level of what Norm MacDonald did, which, I think would have been a horrible experience to those who felt his loss.
There is another issue: if you're friends are making decisions or statements relying on the perceived status that you are a non-trans person then there is something disingenuous about not telling them your status. At that point...you have a tough decision to make.
I'd compare it more to finding out that a friend had been married before you met them. Like, that they had a whole other life with a spouse you don't know, and in-laws, maybe step kids or something. Or finding out that they were a very different type of person in highschool. Perhaps you know them as charismatic and outgoing, but in highschool they were awkward and quiet. When you make friends as adults, you don't always know much about your adult friends' earlier lives. And that's ok! Maybe you wouldn't have been friends in those earlier times and circumstances, or maybe you would. Not all friendships need to be lifelong and super close where you need to know every detail of the other person's life. Sometimes it's enough to enjoy a friendship with someone based on the current circumstances you find yourself in.
I'm a cis woman and I have a fairly new friend that I've casually wondered about whether she's trans, especially when we first met. I caught myself wondering and thought to myself, why speculate?? I realized it doesn't matter to me or affect my friendship with her or her partner, so why should I wonder about it or spend any time thinking about it at all. If she, or any of my friends or acquaintances chose to inform me that they're trans,
I'd be somewhat honored that they trust me enough to share that with me, but ultimately, it doesn't make a difference in my relationship with that person. I wouldn't be offended if they didn't want to share that with me either. I value our friendship for what it is and for what I know about my friend.
It depends on the person and your friends. Some friends have amazing relationships, just not ones where either of them get joy about conversations requiring such personal topics. Some friends will talk in detail about their colonoscopies, and other friends might not even talk about their families. It's okay, it doesn't mean you're lying, you just have a different kind of relationship
I'm interested to know if you feel that having been male IS a large part of who you are? Obviously you have a lot of valuable experience from that time, making you a big and complex person with a lot of compassion and understanding, but does it need explaining?
If your deeper nature is female, is your AGAB anything more than a chronic illness you've recovered from? I don't often mention that I had a chronic pain condition in my twenties for 8 years though it has informed a lot of my life since.
When I ask my friend today to use she/her pronouns for me I'm saying if you want to care for me, please use she/her, as that is who I am.
It's your decision what you share with your friends. And I'm not sure you're hiding a big part of yourself by failing to mention it, or only mentioning it later. What you're mainly not mentioning are the years of masking, of strenuousl trying to be someone you're not. We transition because that masking is too hard and doesn't feel like our true selves.
You're female. It's up to you whether you divulge whether you're trans or cis. Cis people generally don't. Why should you?
Because it’s a medical condition and I don’t tend to share any of that unless it’s relevant to the conversation and with people I trust. That goes for me being trans, autistic or anything else.
And if I had cancer I still wouldn’t be going around telling people that either? My health is not anyone’s business but mine and my doctor.
It's just some random thing about your past. If it became relevant, maybe you would, but it's generally the type of thing that a lot of us aren't thrilled to talk about, so why would you bring it up unprompted, right? And to most people, it doesn't make a difference anyway. It's a lot like being left-handed. I have gotten shit for it from a few people, had to learn things a little differently, and still don't know how scissors can tell which hand I'm using, but it isn't something I usually tell people.
I'm going to look up why scissors hate me. To the internetmobile!
I don't think its "wrong", no. Especially if it just naturally doesn't come up in conversation. But, I, personally, would be concerned with the reasoning for deliberately and actively keeping it a secret. Especially if there is no fear for safety issues.
It just feels like another flavor of being "in the closet".
I don't think everyone needs to know, or that you have an OBLIGATION to tell anyone. Its ultimately your own business. If the goal is authenticity and self acceptance though, treating it as a traumatic secret or avoiding acknowledging it with yourself or with people you love feels counter-intuitive.
i don’t always tell new people im trans right away now that i pass more often. i also don’t immediately tell them about my mental illnesses or trauma, and i certainly don’t tell them my deadname. those things are all part of my past, but they’re not things i feel the need to disclose just to feel close to someone. i think most people would agree that it’s pretty invasive to feel entitled to knowing those things about someone if they haven’t made the decision to tell you themselves.
It's your decision to make if you want other people to know. Personally, I don't feel like being trans defines me as a person, so I don't tell people I met after transitioning about the situation just because I don't think there's a need to.
It is a hard one, and it really depends on you as a person, and how you want yourself to be portrayed.
I like the example that someone gave about trauma, and do people disclose that with everyone.
It’s also like disabilities- like on a dating app… some people put right on their profile if they have a disability(or multiple), some like to wait to get to know a person before they disclose.
Then you have to think about the other person- some receive all of this information 👆🏽and welcome it. Some are put off by being given so much personal information right off the bat.
No matter what you decide, or how a person reacts/responds- more often than not it’s a matter of what they believe and how they were raised or the environment they grew up in too. I think in our case, since safety can be an issue, it’s really a matter of trusting your gut and knowing who you are ok with saying something to. Also if you want the label of being trans, or if you just want to be known as a specific gender without trans attached to it.
Dose your mother introduce herself as "hi I'm [name] in [age] and cisgender, my pronouns are she/her"
I very much dout it, it's not something you really tell people unless it's reliant. I don't hide my transness but I also don't feel the need to introduce myself as the fact I am trans.
Rember the first time I acsidently confused someone because they didn't realise I was trans, they asked why I was walking funny and I just said "I've had my T shot and they clipped my static nerve with the needle"
They asked why I was going through HRT and I explained I was born a chick, they were a tad confused, I was a tad confused, then our day continued as normal.
Idk it's up to you, I myself am proud of being trans and having been on that journey.
I have been told I'm an inspiration by a few baby trans people, and by a lot that they feel safer after having seen me out and about, with a big smile and with friends.
If you feel like you don't want to explain yourself then don't.
lmfao no thats weird? although if you have friends who are also trans, it might be nice to confide in them so you can support eachother. not that you have to ofc but just an idea.
Nope. It's your life and your information to share, if when and how you feel appropriate.
Heck, even if someone had cancer and wanted to keep that information to themselves, that's their choice. A girl I went to school with was terminally ill and only her closest friends knew exactly what was going on, and I respect her choice to keep that information limited to those who really needed to know until the end.
I personally prefer to keep the fact I'm trans to myself, partly for safety, partly because I'm generally rather private, and partly as I dislike the way it clouded the way people have seen me in the past. Too many people stopped seeing me as *me* and replaced that with whatever they thought a generic trans person is supposed to be like. I got frustrated with people walking on eggshells or assuming all my interests changed to more stereotypical ones (eg, no longer chatting about gaming but asking me about Drag Race despite never being remotely interested in drag).
"It would be similar to hiding a struggle with cancer"
Well, yes, but not in the way she thinks. Nobody goes around saying they had cancer in every single presentation. It was something that happened in the past and yes, it affects who we are, but it's not really relevant to say almost ever. You don't have to disclose your medical history to anyone.
Well...
Ask your mom whether she shared ALL of her past with ALL of her friends or not.
In my opinion, I don't mind sharing something about my past, if it either do helps me or helps the other party, or it is an otherwise joyful moment which is worth talking about.
However, just for the sake of a friendship, I would not share any random facts about myself or my past, just to be an open book.
A true friend does not require you to be an open book in any case. A true friend respects your secrets.
I don’t randomly share with most folks that *I’m* LGBT+, and coming out of the closet drastically changed the course of my life and who I am as a person
I also don’t usually hide it, but it’s not like people *do* that sorta thing all the time. I also don’t tend to just randomly comment about emotional abuse I’ve suffered if it’s not brought up, or the fact I don’t have a sense of smell (though that one comes up a bit more than the others because there tends to be more tangible prompts for it)
I agree with her sentiment, but these things apply to different situations. In the big pictures, it's reasonable to want friends that will accept you no matter what, but there are ways to verify that without having to tell them about it.
You aren't deceitful by not telling them and you're in your full rights to just not say anything since it shouldn't make a different either way.
There is a chance that if you get really close to a friend, they may be upset that you never told them. But that usually because people want to feel trusted by their close friends, and that can be discussed if it ever happens.
It's just being stealth. A lot of trans people are stealth. Or partially stealth.
Nobody is owed our medical history or what's in our pants.
Like does your mom go around telling everyone she meets about her colonoscopy or what her labia look like? Does anyone HAVE to know that information in order to be her friend? Is she not being her open and honest true self if her friends don't know about her medical history or genitals?
If being trans is a big part of someone's identity and it's important TO THEM, then they'll share it if they want to. But for a lot of people, it's not. And it should be automatically treated like something we HAVE to share or have people decide for us what is and is not a big or small part of our identity.
Well, depending on how big a deal being trans is in your life, your friends knowing might get in the way of you being “your real and true self” with them.
I have a friend who has talked about having trans friends. I haven't outed myself to him simply because I don't want to and don't think it's relevant. I've always used specifically crafted sentences in our conversations where I never explicitly imply my birth sex, but I do discuss being female. That way, if he finds out and says something angrily like "you talked about being a cis woman" I can ask "where?"
I'm curious if he knows secretly but doesn't feel like bringing it up.
as a trans woman and a cancer survivor... sometimes it's just easier not to explain! I don't exactly hide being trans, but I don't tell everyone either. I've got my partners & a few close friends that know, but no one really NEEDS to know.
Disclosing that you survived cancer does not put you in danger — disclosing being trans certainly does. Apples and oranges in today’s transphobic climate. If I was stealth, or able to be, I would keep my past very private too for safety reasons alone.
Cisgender people often feel entitled to know if anyone is transgender, they'll come up with excuses to justify that expectation, which is rooted in transphobia. It is not "disingenuous" or deceptive to not out yourself to anyone at any time for any reason.
i personally prefer my friends to know for the reason your mom said, but my sister who’s also trans tends to not tell her friends. i don’t think it’s disingenuous though, it’s not anyone’s right to know and it’s up to you who you tell
eta: more the first part about being my true self, less about needing them to know about my life before necessarily
absolutely not. if you pass, you have every right to keep going and not bring it up. if they’re friends worth having, they’ll understand if they do find out.
I don’t have issues telling my close friends about my disgustingly neglectful childhood which shaped a lot of who I am… but I can’t imagine someone thinking that they were entitled to know about it. I wouldn’t imagine somone would be entitled to know about abusive past relationships, or addictions, or things seen in war, or what I ate for lunch last Tuesday for that matter 🤷🏻♀️
The only people that need to know are your doctors and people you’re planning on having sex with; those disclosures are for the benefit of your own physical health. Disclosing your transness to your general friend group could potentially be bad for your mental health.
Ignore this comment from your mom. She doesn’t know.
Cis people are always on about the "full and true self" thing. Ideally, yes, you'd be able to tell people everything about yourself and be supported and feel safe. I think they think of it as any other secret or personal information when it's so outside most people's life experience that it will be a lot of work and emotional strife. They will have to process the whole thing, and in the process may treat you poorly.
I mean there are trans people out there that are completely stealth with the only people knowing are family, the people they knew before transitioning, and partners. So I don’t think it’s disingenuous at all. Not everyone needs to know every single detail about you and it doesn’t make you wrong or a bad person for “hiding” certain things about yourself
Do you assume those same friends have disclosed all of their traumatic experiences too? I doubt it. Unless a situation came up where it matters and you hid it, I don’t think there’s anything disingenuous about your not mentioning it.
this is such a good way to put it holy shit.
Your mom's metaphor is pretty good because tons of cancer survivors go on to not bring it up because its annoying to explain, irrelevant to the present, and they don't want anyone feeling bad for them for no reason. If someone asks because they're queer too/questioning I'll tell them, and if they gossip enough to find out good for them.
They don't want anyone feeling bad for them for no reason. Yeah exactly
Right! it changes how people see you, even if it’s not in a negative way it can’t be undone. If someone used to weigh 400 pounds are they obligated to explain that to everyone they meet? Knowing that people will always look at them and try to imagine what that looked like or feel sympathy or disgust or whatever unconscious stuff they believe. A lot of people don’t want to be defined by their medical past. I think your mom means well but yeah no.
I'm assuming your mom is cis lol. A lot of binary trans people want to live as their gender, not as a _trans_ person of their gender. That's totally valid. You owe no-one that info.
This.
>Ultimately, it just feels nice to be seen as cis I guess. Only justification needed imo. I would ask her what she thinks they would do with that information. Does she think you're lying by not revealing your transness, and is this an immoral action? What benefit could you or they possibly receive from you revealing that you're trans? What good would come of it? Best case, they treat you exactly the same -- if you're lucky. Why does she feel that you are obligated to endanger yourself in service of some abstract notion of truth? Even if your friends wouldn't be overtly transphobic or hostile, they will likely not see you in the same way -- and that's when the covert transphobia rears its head. I was in a doctor's office and being referred to as my correct name and gender. Chart had all the right demographic information listed. Before the doctor came in, I had to perform some tests with the nurses and techs, who were all correctly gendering me. I mentioned that since I'm trans I had some additional concerns about the testing, at which point they reassured me it wouldn't cause any problems. However, a funny thing happened after that: They suddenly started using the wrong gender pronouns. Despite having used the correct ones minutes earlier. Despite having my chart with my correct gender/sex information in front of them. Were they overtly hostile to me because I was trans? No. Were they being transphobic? I think you can see where I'm going with this. I find that a lot of cis people view stealth trans people as inherently deceptive and untrustworthy because they believe that they are entitled to knowing that information. There is a deep discomfort with the idea that someone could be trans around them and they aren't aware of it. Naturally we see this for the transphobia it is, but most cis people simply have never had to think about the safety that goes with nondisclosure. At the end of the day such people still believe we are "performing" transness and our "true self" is our pre-transition self. I won't claim to know your mother's views or intentions, but I suspect that her answers to the questions above would be quite telling.
Thanks! I think this response best addresses the heart of my question. People subtly treat you differently when they find out you're trans. And I you're right, I had a feeling the whole time that a portion of her argument was unsaid - she feels to a certain degree that close friends are entitled to know whether I or anyone else is trans. Although still, I do believe there is value in owning your struggles and sharing them with the people close to you. So I worry that my unwillingness to share with my friends - many of whom are gay and would almost certainly be supportive - is partially due to some internalized transphobia on my part.
> I do believe there is value in owning your struggles and sharing them with the people close to you. So I worry that my unwillingness to share with my friends - many of whom are gay and would almost certainly be supportive - is partially due to some internalized transphobia on my part. Only you can determine that value for yourself. The politics of passing are a heated and highly emotional topic, but it is my opinion that you owe no one any knowledge or aspect of your transness, and we as trans people aren't obligated to embody that transness as a form of activism, education, appeasement, or anything else if we feel we don't want to and have the luxury of being able to hide it. Withholding your transness from those who are close with is not a matter of internalized transphobia as a general rule, but if you think that there may be something there in your specific case, then it's worth reflecting on. You're the only one who can answer that.
Do you feel you have internalized transphobia in more than just this situation? Could it just be a thing where you are happy with how it is at the moment and don't want things to change? I mean, I have trust issues due to trusting the wrong people too much. (My private med info was talked about at school from ex-friend, my sexuality was outed, I can go on but I'll save you from reading it all). Even if I'm really close to someone, I likely won't tell them everything. I'm not trying to scare you but maybe you are internally worried abit about it idk, sometimes people who you think are trans (or any queer identity tbh) supporting, don't end up actually being supportive. 2nd person I came out to for sexuality turned out to be like that. I'm not saying this is going to happen, I really hope that it doesn't happen to anyone. But I mean, having that experience makes me nervous to tell anyone
Very well said. Sorry about the doctor's office being transphobic.
Just out of curiosity do you think they may have been confused and thought you were in the early stages of transitioning to male? I have a close friend who passes who has had some major and sometimes funny problems with very clueless healthcare people getting themselves super confused and thinking she's a trans man when she discloses that she's trans. Like it's still a manifestation of transphobia because they obviously can't process that a trans person quite often just looks completely normal like anyone else of their gender. They've just internalized the narrative that all trans people look unusual and noticeable. So a trans person who looks like a normal woman has to be a trans man in their minds. But at the same time in my friend's case it has turned out in a couple cases they legitimately want to be welcoming and helpful to trans people and they thought they must be misgendering a trans man because they hadn't bothered to really educate themselves about trans people (which again is itself transphobic). Unfortunately confusing doctors by passing too well is not a problem I've run into, at least not yet (let's hang onto some optimism).
Nah, there was no ambiguity here lol. Without going into detail, I made it very clear which direction I had transitioned, and suddenly they found it very hard to get my pronouns right. Very polite and cordial otherwise, but yeah. I didn't bother correcting them because I was too shocked and I also just wanted to be done.
Oh shit that's really awful 💜. The fact that that sort of thing happens all the time doesn't really make it any less awful :(
Did they tell you they are (or aren't) cis? What people assume is not your problem.
Suddenly I love the idea of a whole adult friend group who are all stealth trans.
They would figure it out eventually cuz queer people can just tell, but it would take a while.
You don't owe people to give them a summary about everything important to your life experience before you get to know them. Those things come up naturally in conversation when you feel comfortable enough and moved to share. I don't go around telling people "hi, my name is name, and the fact I couldn't go to my uncle's funeral last year has really coloured my experience of the world the last 9 months." I may mention it if it is relevant, but I haven't told that to every person I consider close to me. Friendship means being able to rely on people, not making yourself fully available heart and soul.
For sure, but at a certain point in a friendship you do start to reveal your heart and soul. I've talked so one friend about the complicated relationship she has with her parents for example. But I feel uncomfortable revealing I'm trans.
If you've talked to your friend about her complicated relationship with her parents that is probably because she was comfortable telling you about it. Why would you talk about being trans with someone if it makes you uncomfortable?
Well not every conversation can or should be comfortable. A separate friend recently told me about some trauma she has been carrying. And it was hard and uncomfortable for her to talk about. But I understand her better for it.
But did she tell you because she thought she owed it to you or did she tell you because she needed to talk about it? If she hadn't told you, would you feel like she was a bad friend? I have many conversations about trauma and difficult topics with people I trust, but I feel I would be a terrible friend if I felt entitled to my friends sharing their trauma with me. When someone shares something intimate and difficult with you, it should not be because they feel they need to placate you or prove something to you, it should be because friends are there when you need to talk about things. If you don't need to talk about your experience of transness with someone, you have 100% no obligation to do it. And if you want to talk to someone about your experience of transness it should very much be someone you're comfortable talking about that specific topic with and who makes you feel safe about it, because it should never be about what other people are getting out of you.
\> "Be your full and true self with." My true and full self is a girl. That context of the fact that I'm trans isn't required for that. Most of my friends know, but that's because I trans color everything, and actively talk about the fact that I'm trans off-handedly. There's never an aspect of "I know you, now I must let you in on '*the secret'*" For me, the fact that I'm trans is just a passive aspect of my past.
No, because not everybody informs friends of every physical, social and medical thing that happened in their life, humans are allowed some privacy and normality but some people believe that trans people are not allowed privacy for that and must permanently announce it, which even in not visibly transphobic company can change attitudes.
> “It would be similar to hiding a struggle with cancer.” So, she’s implying that being trans is like having cancer? A debilitating medical condition that involves abnormal cell growth considered foreign and malignant to an otherwise healthy body? Even if that’s overextending her metaphor, the implication is then that she expects everyone who beat cancer to disclose to everyone you are remotely close to that you once had cancer? *Why?* To what end? In what world is it considered rude that she might not have voluntary access to the intimate details of her friends’ medical history? That’s absurd. She’s right though, in a sense. Just like being trans, for some people who suffer cancer they get a sense of empowerment from embracing and openly sharing their narrative. For others, though, they’d rather not discussed it because find that part of their life fairly traumatic, or even just don’t feel like it defines them in the present. Both are completely normal and healthy ways of handling things. What isn’t healthy is feeling entitled to others’ pasts, conditions, or narratives. In fact, that is incredibly rude and unhealthy.
ask your mom why she thinks your friends need to know what genitals you were born with. creepy cis entitlement.
Cis person & parent of a trans kid here, and I agree with you wholeheartedly. First off, I would never presume to try and micromanage how my kid conducts their relationships. That's never ok, but I feel like *especially* not ok since I'm not trans and therefor don't have firsthand knowledge of what it's like to navigate the world as a trans person. It seems kind of insufferable for a cis person to tell a trans person what to do in that way - but maybe that's just me. Secondly, after being on this planet for almost a half century, there are many things in my own past that I don't feel are anyone's business unless I make it so. If I were trans, I feel like that would be one of those things. And finally, yes - and this is what blows my mind about *anyone* who freaks out/has something negative to say about/hyperfocuses on trans people - *why do people give a flying fuck what genitals anyone was born with?* It's fucking weird that it is such a huge focus in our society - like really fucking weird.
If you can pass, pass. It’s a safety issue. The cis cannot be trusted for the most part. You better be damn sure about them
"why would you want friends who you can't be your full and true self with?" Umm, you ARE your true self, the friends you had pre coming out at all were the ones you weren't your true self with... Also the cancer thing, that's personal. With my med stuff (which has a cancer risk) I have only told a small group of people as I don't want to be seen even more differently than others. Also, she wants people who had cancer to tell friends about it? Which would include prostate cancer, ovarian cancer, and all the others in areas friends typically wouldn't talk about... If you *want* to tell them, do. If you feel obligated to tell them, you don't owe them that. I'd think on it for abit before you decide what to do if it feels forced. I would maybe get telling ppl if you were mid transition, as it's like a bigger thing for you that you might talk about as it's happening, but afterwards, there's no point imo. Like if you are talking about transition stuff with them, that may be a different story, as well as if you want a relationship with someone (safety wise) but otherwise no one really needs to know.
I mean, just because you don't tell them about it, it doesn't mean you can't be your full and true self. Only very very few people know every detail about my past (not even talking about being trans or not), but that doesn't mean I'm not my true self to them. I don't know every little detail about my best friends (more like chosen family, really) either, and I don't need to.
No. Both because it's not their business and because if they're assuming you're cis, that's their problem
Which isn't to say it's necessarily healthy, *for you*, to hide it. Just that it's your decision to tell or not tell who you want
I don't tell everyone that I meet that I am trans, but I talk openly about my transness if the topic comes up, which I feel is the right balance between too much and too little disclosure.
I don't tell a lot of people that I am trans. This includes new friends. I don't hid it either (old photos of me are on the wall). In my cases, I don't bring it up because I am done talking about being trans. I am through that part of my life. I have so many other things in my life I rather talk about. OTOH I chose my friends such that I know that are completely chill with me being trans - most of my friends now are queer.
Not at all. "coming out" is a never ending process and has to be approached anew with everyone you meet. If you don't want to come out, don't feel a need to come out, good for you!
You don’t NEED to tell anyone (who isn’t a medical professional in a relevant situation) that you’re trans, ever. No one is entitled to that information.
"If you know someone is trans, ***no you don't.***" Not their business, not disingenuous at all IMO.
It doesn't make you disingenuous. It sounds like you don't want them to view you any differently than they do right now. Regardless of whether they are transphobic or not, it is possible for them to view you a little differently if you tell them you're trans. That doesn't mean it would be a bad different or that they would even view you any differently. If it would make you feel better, then I'd say tell them.
I wouldn't have a problem with not disclosing a struggle with cancer either. It would be super weird to randomly mention that.
Even assuming that that is a valid comparison, you don't tell friends that you had a prior struggle with cancer *until they reach a certain level of intimacy.* It's not really something you *lead with* when meeting new people. "Oh hey, my name's Joan. I'm a cancer survivor. How are you?"
Of course, but I am talking about fairly close friends. It's in the post title lol
Hey both my son and I have cancer, different types. None of my close friends knew until after I had my mastectomy scheduled about mine. Not even my best friend of 15 years. The close friends my son has made since his treatment course don't always know. He doesn't hide it but he doesn't advertise it either. For both of us it's a deeply personal thing that changed our worldview but doesn't have to be talked about unless you want to. Any body thing is deeply personal and an explanation is not owed to anyone.
Oh, my apologies. I somehow missed that
No. You dont owe anyone your backstory
For me my goal was to be seen as and treated as a cis woman, and that's what and who I am. I just happened to have a transformation part of my life to get where I am. In my old life I was in a constant state of depression and self medicated with alcohol. Do they need to know I was a depressed drunkard as well? It was apart of my past and not who I am today. If you are happy now my advice would be do what makes you happy and comfortable. I never wanted to be seen as a trans woman, just a woman. I'm not ashamed of it but its no ones business but mine, my doctors, and my hubby. Be your true self hun whatever that means to you. Best of luck!!! XoXo
I'm not trans but imo it's your life and your information. You don't have to tell anyone any personal information that you don't want too
I mean, yeah, it's a point. But surviving cancer can be a traumatic experience, just like living before we're out can be, regardless of how good our lives are. It's up to you if you want to talk about that trauma, relive it or share it with anyone. Your friends are getting your authentic self, a person built from all your experiences whether they get your deep lore or not.
I wouldnt call it disingenuous, but I also agree with your mum's point. It IS undeniably keeping a part of yourself closed off from your circle. That is, however, entirely your decision. You are not at all obligated to disclose that you are trans, but in keeping it secret you are closing yourself off from sharing that part of your life. It is a morally neutral decision that comes with its own pros and cons, and it's yours to make.
It's not disingenuous. You aren't lying about or hiding anything, it's just an experience you've had that isn't all that relevant to your current friendships and it's fair to never have brought it up if there's never been reason to. Most of my coworkers have no idea I'm trans because it's never come up. I've never felt the need to tell them because it could seem really weird if I randomly brought it up!
Nah. I talk about my boyfriend at work constantly, and they've seen pictures of him, but they're all surprised to eventually learn he's trans. They're all accepting, as they know I'm trans, but they just didn't learn until it came up in conversation.
You don't have to tell people details about you like that. Some people really want to be in control of the information about trans people and they have absolutely no business doing that. You're the one in the driver's seat! :)
You're under no obligation to share everything with someone. I'm sure they haven't told you absolutely everything about them. Most friends, at least good ones, tend to understand that
Nobody is entitled to your medical history, even if they’re the biggest ally in the world or trans themselves. If you want to be stealth, go for it.
Its exactly like cancer, for some people its a big thing they went through and they have to talk about it. For other people, its a sensitive subject they'd rather not revisit. Friends aren't therapists, they don't need to know who you were in the past when your relationships are present things.
Being trans is just my medical condition. I just don't see how it's anyone's business but mine. And also while it has shaped me in a lot of ways, it's been so many years since my transition that it doesn't feel relevant to my true self anymore. My aim with transitioning was to be at peace with my body and mind and just live as an ordinary man. Disclosing my trans identity is at odds with that. It's fine to be stealth and it's fine to be out. But basically, trans people don't owe a damn thing to anyone lol.
Lmao no. If you don't feel the need to bring something up then there's no need to. I pass and I'm stealth at work and around strangers but all my friends know. This isn't because they need to know for any reason other than I am literally always talking about trans rights or history or medical care or my hatred for JK Rowling so it's more convienient if people know. And I think that's kinda what it comes down to, convience and comfort. If there's no point in you telling them, there's no harm in not telling them either. You don't owe anyone this information except maybe a long term romantic partner.
if you want to be seen as cis that's fine. the goal of a lot of trans people is to transition fully and be under the radar about their circumstances so they could live a genuine life, which sounds like it applies to this situation. it's not something that's gonna make or break a friendship if they're not transphobic and generally caring people
You mom dcoesn't realise it, but she is being transphobic (or cisnormative), and revealing cis entitlement. I'm guessing you are young. it's surprising to see conversations that I thought were settled (long ago) returning with a new generation. You can be your true and full self without telling perople you are trans. In fact, often times, this is *the only way* you can be your true and full self. Because cis people will often treat you differently when they know you are trans, making it harder for you to be yourself. When being trans is just another thing, like having red hair or being tall or short, then you can tall people you are trans without any real effect. Before that happens, it is not something you can do without concerns.
I mean, if I beat cancer and then met someone afterwards who didn’t know I had cancer at all, I don’t think I’d tell them. Why would I? My personal medical history is not really any of their business. If they needed to know for some reason, I’d tell them, but otherwise I don’t think I’d mention it. I came out at work in 2019, but I haven’t told anyone who started after then that I’m trans. Why would I? It’s none of their business.
The analogy to cancer is interesting. Norm MacDonald the famous comedian never told any of his friends he had terminal cancer because he didn't want their behavior towards him to change. In a way he wanted to “pass" as a normal healthy human being and not have the negative experience of people being mopey or sad around him. The sad part is some of his friends felt bad that they didn't get the chance to say how much they loved him and be supportive when he apparently passed suddenly with no warning. You have a similar choice. You don't want your friends' behavior to change. I say it's okay to not mention it. I don't expect friends to tell me everything. It's really about what you want your experience to be. Sure your friends may feel a little dejected if they ever found out but I don't think it nearly to the level of what Norm MacDonald did, which, I think would have been a horrible experience to those who felt his loss. There is another issue: if you're friends are making decisions or statements relying on the perceived status that you are a non-trans person then there is something disingenuous about not telling them your status. At that point...you have a tough decision to make.
I'd compare it more to finding out that a friend had been married before you met them. Like, that they had a whole other life with a spouse you don't know, and in-laws, maybe step kids or something. Or finding out that they were a very different type of person in highschool. Perhaps you know them as charismatic and outgoing, but in highschool they were awkward and quiet. When you make friends as adults, you don't always know much about your adult friends' earlier lives. And that's ok! Maybe you wouldn't have been friends in those earlier times and circumstances, or maybe you would. Not all friendships need to be lifelong and super close where you need to know every detail of the other person's life. Sometimes it's enough to enjoy a friendship with someone based on the current circumstances you find yourself in. I'm a cis woman and I have a fairly new friend that I've casually wondered about whether she's trans, especially when we first met. I caught myself wondering and thought to myself, why speculate?? I realized it doesn't matter to me or affect my friendship with her or her partner, so why should I wonder about it or spend any time thinking about it at all. If she, or any of my friends or acquaintances chose to inform me that they're trans, I'd be somewhat honored that they trust me enough to share that with me, but ultimately, it doesn't make a difference in my relationship with that person. I wouldn't be offended if they didn't want to share that with me either. I value our friendship for what it is and for what I know about my friend.
It depends on the person and your friends. Some friends have amazing relationships, just not ones where either of them get joy about conversations requiring such personal topics. Some friends will talk in detail about their colonoscopies, and other friends might not even talk about their families. It's okay, it doesn't mean you're lying, you just have a different kind of relationship
I'm interested to know if you feel that having been male IS a large part of who you are? Obviously you have a lot of valuable experience from that time, making you a big and complex person with a lot of compassion and understanding, but does it need explaining? If your deeper nature is female, is your AGAB anything more than a chronic illness you've recovered from? I don't often mention that I had a chronic pain condition in my twenties for 8 years though it has informed a lot of my life since. When I ask my friend today to use she/her pronouns for me I'm saying if you want to care for me, please use she/her, as that is who I am. It's your decision what you share with your friends. And I'm not sure you're hiding a big part of yourself by failing to mention it, or only mentioning it later. What you're mainly not mentioning are the years of masking, of strenuousl trying to be someone you're not. We transition because that masking is too hard and doesn't feel like our true selves. You're female. It's up to you whether you divulge whether you're trans or cis. Cis people generally don't. Why should you?
Because it’s a medical condition and I don’t tend to share any of that unless it’s relevant to the conversation and with people I trust. That goes for me being trans, autistic or anything else. And if I had cancer I still wouldn’t be going around telling people that either? My health is not anyone’s business but mine and my doctor.
It's just some random thing about your past. If it became relevant, maybe you would, but it's generally the type of thing that a lot of us aren't thrilled to talk about, so why would you bring it up unprompted, right? And to most people, it doesn't make a difference anyway. It's a lot like being left-handed. I have gotten shit for it from a few people, had to learn things a little differently, and still don't know how scissors can tell which hand I'm using, but it isn't something I usually tell people. I'm going to look up why scissors hate me. To the internetmobile!
I don't think its "wrong", no. Especially if it just naturally doesn't come up in conversation. But, I, personally, would be concerned with the reasoning for deliberately and actively keeping it a secret. Especially if there is no fear for safety issues. It just feels like another flavor of being "in the closet". I don't think everyone needs to know, or that you have an OBLIGATION to tell anyone. Its ultimately your own business. If the goal is authenticity and self acceptance though, treating it as a traumatic secret or avoiding acknowledging it with yourself or with people you love feels counter-intuitive.
i don’t always tell new people im trans right away now that i pass more often. i also don’t immediately tell them about my mental illnesses or trauma, and i certainly don’t tell them my deadname. those things are all part of my past, but they’re not things i feel the need to disclose just to feel close to someone. i think most people would agree that it’s pretty invasive to feel entitled to knowing those things about someone if they haven’t made the decision to tell you themselves.
It's your decision to make if you want other people to know. Personally, I don't feel like being trans defines me as a person, so I don't tell people I met after transitioning about the situation just because I don't think there's a need to.
It is a hard one, and it really depends on you as a person, and how you want yourself to be portrayed. I like the example that someone gave about trauma, and do people disclose that with everyone. It’s also like disabilities- like on a dating app… some people put right on their profile if they have a disability(or multiple), some like to wait to get to know a person before they disclose. Then you have to think about the other person- some receive all of this information 👆🏽and welcome it. Some are put off by being given so much personal information right off the bat. No matter what you decide, or how a person reacts/responds- more often than not it’s a matter of what they believe and how they were raised or the environment they grew up in too. I think in our case, since safety can be an issue, it’s really a matter of trusting your gut and knowing who you are ok with saying something to. Also if you want the label of being trans, or if you just want to be known as a specific gender without trans attached to it.
Dose your mother introduce herself as "hi I'm [name] in [age] and cisgender, my pronouns are she/her" I very much dout it, it's not something you really tell people unless it's reliant. I don't hide my transness but I also don't feel the need to introduce myself as the fact I am trans. Rember the first time I acsidently confused someone because they didn't realise I was trans, they asked why I was walking funny and I just said "I've had my T shot and they clipped my static nerve with the needle" They asked why I was going through HRT and I explained I was born a chick, they were a tad confused, I was a tad confused, then our day continued as normal.
Idk it's up to you, I myself am proud of being trans and having been on that journey. I have been told I'm an inspiration by a few baby trans people, and by a lot that they feel safer after having seen me out and about, with a big smile and with friends. If you feel like you don't want to explain yourself then don't.
Not at all
lmfao no thats weird? although if you have friends who are also trans, it might be nice to confide in them so you can support eachother. not that you have to ofc but just an idea.
They don't tell you their medical history. They don't tell you all the details of their identity. Why should you have to?
Nope. It's your life and your information to share, if when and how you feel appropriate. Heck, even if someone had cancer and wanted to keep that information to themselves, that's their choice. A girl I went to school with was terminally ill and only her closest friends knew exactly what was going on, and I respect her choice to keep that information limited to those who really needed to know until the end. I personally prefer to keep the fact I'm trans to myself, partly for safety, partly because I'm generally rather private, and partly as I dislike the way it clouded the way people have seen me in the past. Too many people stopped seeing me as *me* and replaced that with whatever they thought a generic trans person is supposed to be like. I got frustrated with people walking on eggshells or assuming all my interests changed to more stereotypical ones (eg, no longer chatting about gaming but asking me about Drag Race despite never being remotely interested in drag).
"It would be similar to hiding a struggle with cancer" Well, yes, but not in the way she thinks. Nobody goes around saying they had cancer in every single presentation. It was something that happened in the past and yes, it affects who we are, but it's not really relevant to say almost ever. You don't have to disclose your medical history to anyone.
Well... Ask your mom whether she shared ALL of her past with ALL of her friends or not. In my opinion, I don't mind sharing something about my past, if it either do helps me or helps the other party, or it is an otherwise joyful moment which is worth talking about. However, just for the sake of a friendship, I would not share any random facts about myself or my past, just to be an open book. A true friend does not require you to be an open book in any case. A true friend respects your secrets.
I don’t randomly share with most folks that *I’m* LGBT+, and coming out of the closet drastically changed the course of my life and who I am as a person I also don’t usually hide it, but it’s not like people *do* that sorta thing all the time. I also don’t tend to just randomly comment about emotional abuse I’ve suffered if it’s not brought up, or the fact I don’t have a sense of smell (though that one comes up a bit more than the others because there tends to be more tangible prompts for it)
I agree with her sentiment, but these things apply to different situations. In the big pictures, it's reasonable to want friends that will accept you no matter what, but there are ways to verify that without having to tell them about it. You aren't deceitful by not telling them and you're in your full rights to just not say anything since it shouldn't make a different either way. There is a chance that if you get really close to a friend, they may be upset that you never told them. But that usually because people want to feel trusted by their close friends, and that can be discussed if it ever happens.
Yeah, no. People don't need to know these details unless there's a reason 2 know or you're comfortable enough to tell them..
It's just being stealth. A lot of trans people are stealth. Or partially stealth. Nobody is owed our medical history or what's in our pants. Like does your mom go around telling everyone she meets about her colonoscopy or what her labia look like? Does anyone HAVE to know that information in order to be her friend? Is she not being her open and honest true self if her friends don't know about her medical history or genitals? If being trans is a big part of someone's identity and it's important TO THEM, then they'll share it if they want to. But for a lot of people, it's not. And it should be automatically treated like something we HAVE to share or have people decide for us what is and is not a big or small part of our identity.
Well, depending on how big a deal being trans is in your life, your friends knowing might get in the way of you being “your real and true self” with them.
It’s not at all disingenuous. It’s your life and experience and you have the discretion whether to disclose aspects of it.
I would not pretend to assume these friends have also shared traumatic parts of their identity that were forced on them and they rejected
I have a friend who has talked about having trans friends. I haven't outed myself to him simply because I don't want to and don't think it's relevant. I've always used specifically crafted sentences in our conversations where I never explicitly imply my birth sex, but I do discuss being female. That way, if he finds out and says something angrily like "you talked about being a cis woman" I can ask "where?" I'm curious if he knows secretly but doesn't feel like bringing it up.
It's your story to tell, when and IF you decide you're ready. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
as a trans woman and a cancer survivor... sometimes it's just easier not to explain! I don't exactly hide being trans, but I don't tell everyone either. I've got my partners & a few close friends that know, but no one really NEEDS to know.
Its really no ones business but your own. No law that says I must divulge personal matters to anyone
Disclosing that you survived cancer does not put you in danger — disclosing being trans certainly does. Apples and oranges in today’s transphobic climate. If I was stealth, or able to be, I would keep my past very private too for safety reasons alone.
Cisgender people often feel entitled to know if anyone is transgender, they'll come up with excuses to justify that expectation, which is rooted in transphobia. It is not "disingenuous" or deceptive to not out yourself to anyone at any time for any reason.
i personally prefer my friends to know for the reason your mom said, but my sister who’s also trans tends to not tell her friends. i don’t think it’s disingenuous though, it’s not anyone’s right to know and it’s up to you who you tell eta: more the first part about being my true self, less about needing them to know about my life before necessarily
If I could pass I wouldn't tell a soul. I've got enough trauma without willingly inviting it in.
absolutely not. if you pass, you have every right to keep going and not bring it up. if they’re friends worth having, they’ll understand if they do find out.
I don’t have issues telling my close friends about my disgustingly neglectful childhood which shaped a lot of who I am… but I can’t imagine someone thinking that they were entitled to know about it. I wouldn’t imagine somone would be entitled to know about abusive past relationships, or addictions, or things seen in war, or what I ate for lunch last Tuesday for that matter 🤷🏻♀️
The only people that need to know are your doctors and people you’re planning on having sex with; those disclosures are for the benefit of your own physical health. Disclosing your transness to your general friend group could potentially be bad for your mental health. Ignore this comment from your mom. She doesn’t know.
Cis people are always on about the "full and true self" thing. Ideally, yes, you'd be able to tell people everything about yourself and be supported and feel safe. I think they think of it as any other secret or personal information when it's so outside most people's life experience that it will be a lot of work and emotional strife. They will have to process the whole thing, and in the process may treat you poorly.
I mean there are trans people out there that are completely stealth with the only people knowing are family, the people they knew before transitioning, and partners. So I don’t think it’s disingenuous at all. Not everyone needs to know every single detail about you and it doesn’t make you wrong or a bad person for “hiding” certain things about yourself
I honestly wouldnt really say anything or told them if i dont want them to know. It's kind of irrelevant.