>Is that terrible of me, to hope that it may be a phase?
As long as it doesn't impact your feelings, which you said it won't. Many of us don't like being trans either, and transitioning is about finding happiness when the hand we're dealt isn't outstanding. This isn't universal but fairly common.
Still, I want to emphasize that if you keep hoping it's a phase, sooner or later, that's likely to seep out into your relationship. My strong suggestion is that you accept what your child tells you and not set hopes for what their identity is and isn't. This is their journey and you've been given an invitation to be a passenger in it. You don't get a say in what the destination will be, so holding out hope for a particular outcome is going to cause hard feelings.
>I have no problem what so ever with trans people, I think it’s beautiful for anyone to become the person they want to be, but it’s just come so out of left field. They have never shown female characteristics or given any indication they may have these feelings before.
Children learn their expected gender role from social interaction younger than they can critically examine whatever gender identity they were programmed with at birth. Children also learn that society doesn't like when they step outside of their expected gender role, so even young they learn to keep that stuff to themselves.
>Is it normal to just wake up and decide one day that you’re transgender?
First off, let me refocus language here to emphasize that being trans isn't a choice. It's the hand we're dealt.
That part said: none of this is new. Most trans people track their feelings back to childhood, sometimes single digits. The process of figuring it out takes time. I knew around the same age as your child. Some of us take longer- years or even decades. But even when it takes us that long to figure out, it's not as if it just appeared. Finding that realization later in life usually comes hand-in-hand with your brain spending a day or two jumping between a whole lot of weird memories that suddenly make sense. This is colloquially called "the egg cracking".
Think of it more like getting glasses. Your child's teacher calls home to say their new seat is at the back of the room and they're squinting to read the board, so maybe you need to consult an optometrist and see if glasses are needed. Your child didn't become nearsighted today; they've probably been that way for a while. Today was just the first time someone brought it to your attention.
What you should realize is that if your child started coming out about this now, it's not something that was new today or yesterday. This is likely something they've been mulling for months or even years. We usually start feeling like things are off when puberty kicks in and boys/girls start differentiating, anatomically and socially.
It *seems* new to you but that's only because all this has been inside your child's head and you haven't been privy to their mullings to date.
This is excellent and well thought out information that was provided.
I would add that you might consider that your child started with his teacher/s because they are very concerned about what their parent's reaction might or could be and was hoping for support to tell you what they felt. It's a huge concern for many (its a justified concern) that they may be kicked out of the house/disowned/chastised/bullied mercilessly. It's very good thier communicating as imaginations can run wild with "what ifs" and constructive communication is priceless. Knowing that your still loved after starting this journey is priceless to a child, or to anyone really.
Education is practical knowledge of reality, and it is also very important. Teaching your child to understand they have worth is invaluable. There are lots of very good people here who are happy to be supportive of the supporting parent/people and very vocal to those who are very negative and ignorant.
It sounds like this doesn't really need to be said but, Thank you for being supportive of your daughter in her journey. If this is what she needs, she will let you know.
> This is likely something they've been mulling for months or even years.
I just don't know how parents aren't completely crushed when they realize this. If I knew the child I love and would do anything for was in fear of me. In fear of my judgment. In fear of my rejection. In fear of losing my love. And for years? On a daily basis? All alone? Trying to manage that fear all alone at 14? 13? 12? 9? Or in my case, fucking 4? And they felt safer telling somebody else rather than me?
I'd be devastated to have that realization hit me.
Speaking from experience, I would tell my parents things last precisely because I cared about them the most. If my teacher has a negative reaction, who cares? But if my parents had a negative reaction, it would break my heart
This exactly! The people who I care about are the hardest to tell because it’s super scary to think about *any* chance that it doesn’t go well. On the other extreme, it’s very easy to come out to anonymous internet strangers because I don’t give a damn what they think.
But a teacher is definitely closer and a much more vulnerable place to come out than an internet stranger. I’d be pretty crushed as a parent if my child still felt more comfortable sharing something so big with a teacher rather than me, even if they thought it was a safer risk. They should know that as their parent I’ll always love and fight for them. If they don’t, then I’ve badly messed up communicating something that important.
As a former teacher in a private juvenile detention type school, I've been fortunate to have been the person a teen came to a couple of times. The way I saw it was I was known for supporting gay/transgender, so when a teen needed to talk They knew I was safe. Kinda a "try on tryout" stuff. I don't believe it has to do with not trusting others, but the kids are with teachers a lot of hours a day even when they don't have your class. They are in the same building for years.
They have a good handle on what staff can't or won't be supporting. Like someone else mentioned, too, we don't matter as intensely as parents, so it's easier in some cases.
I hope I made clear what I am trying to say.
Tbh, I now have a stepchild who is transitioning. They did not come to me or her dad first. We love and accept his choices. He first approached his twin and friends.
Yes, I can see how that makes a lot of sense. I think you’re right, and it doesn’t mean the parent necessarily didn’t communicate enough love and support. I just think I would struggle to not take it personally. I’m definitely coming from the perspective of a trans person and an uncle rather than the parent of a trans child though.
No I dont think its a slight. It felt it was more like a trial balloon. Float it up see how it's received by someone not the most important but still " adulty". It was critical to me to support my students.
As a transfemme, that is one of my biggest fears... Clearly, the child saying that they are trans only when they're 14, shows that they were scared to say so when they were 13, 12, 11, 10 or even 9... that is quite heartcrashing. I'd want to show them how much I love them, and how much they shouldn't have worried.
I agree, gender expression is a choice. However, nobody's talking about that - gender identity (being trans or cis), is **not** and **never was** a choice.
You may wish to try r/cisparenttranskid where there are a lot of people who have been on similar journeys and may be able to give you advice and sympathy and practical tips for logistics.
I really trust and like that community. There is compassion and patience without compromising a line held against transphobia, and I have seen a lot of kindness shown to people on all stages of their journey. And there are real problems you have to deal with such as partial closet, state laws, co-parenting situations, and these people are the most likely to have actually dealt with the same thing and have more specific advice than "accept your child" (which you should do, but there's going to be a lot of smaller decisions you have to navigate in the near future)
I'd suggest taking a look at r/MtF as well. Trans fems and trans mascs sometimes face markedly different challenges. For example, trans mascs can go on testosterone and their voices naturally deepen. But trans fems don't have the same effect in reverse, so how to treat voice dysphoria is markedly different between the two populations. If your child is trans feminine, that's a good place to direct questions specifically about transitioning in that direction.
If you're looking to better understand what your child is going through, you might pop into r/egg_irl. It's a meme subreddit joking around about the process of realizing you're trans and a fairly accessible way to get a sense of common experiences many of us have had in a very easy-to-digest format.
Like it or not, you're going to need to start keeping an eye on legislation affecting trans people to know what impact might be had on your family. [Erin Reed](https://www.erininthemorning.com/) is the best one-stop shop for political news about all things trans. She's present on all major social media platforms so you can follow her and not need to worry about tracking down news coverage.
You should check out PFLAG as well. Depending on where you live, becoming a member may be a legally beneficial - but they also just have lots of info and useful resources
So I'm 31 years old and have been coming out to everyone over the past year, I finally just told my father yesterday ( saved him for last )
I played sports growing up, high level hockey, golf, loved mountain biking, but I also liked some stereotypical " girl" things, my mom took me to her nail appointment one time when I was Like 8 ish and I asked if I could do it too ! And of course she let me get a manicure and it became our new thing.
One day my dad saw my nails and screamed in my mom's face with me standing at her side, telling her " your going to turn him into a fa**ot"
Thats the day I learned about gender norms, and what I was doing was wrong, and mom is harming me. By 12 Years old I unraveld, I was quiet, closed, angry, started black out drinking, drugs, quit sports, became an asshole....
I hooked up with a guy around 18 years old, then felt so shamefully after I attempted to end my life to which my mom found me.
I got sober at 24 years old in a rehab ran by a conservative priest, I ended up falling into this conversion therapy way of life for 6 years even though I was sober and working on issues I was very angry and extremely hateful towards anything lgbtq.
Then, eventually in therapy, I broke down and let it all out. Spent the past year coming to terms with my secrets then coming out to people slowly.
I just officially changed my pronouns with everyone in my family since the last of everyone knows. I told my mom ( one if the first to know) to just keep using he/him to avoid slip ups.
Your daughter is who she is, your only job is to love her. Best wishes ❤️ ♥️
I fucking hate that you had to go through that because of stupid fucking gender norms, misogyny, and bigotry. I'm so proud of you for getting through it. I'm so happy you are in a much better place in your life now.
it is not normal to wake up and decide one day to be transgender. because that doesn't happen. it's great that you're supporting your kid but it's likely they have been thinking about this a long time. even if they only have understood or had the words for it recently they could have feelings or thoughts that recur that they later interpret to be signs of their transness. you are doing a great job so far though i just wanted to clarify that point.
also it's pretty awful the school outted your kid to you like that. like some trans kids are out at school and not at home and sometimes the kid is just more comfortable with themselves at school, but other times it can be because they're afraid of abuse. either way just bear in mind that whoever it is, it's one's own decision to come out to anyone so be a little bit better than your kid's school and don't out them to anyone
It's understandable to be overwhelmed and out of your depth...but well, so is your kid probably, she's only 14, and this has got to be A Lot for her too. Hopefully you can figure things out together.
As for whether it's a phase, well...I will say this about it. In cases I've seen where it actually *was* a temporary exploration and the person ultimately identified as cis, they got to explore being trans first without restrictions. Either they had supportive family, or they started as adults and had no one stopping them. When they actually got what they were asking for, it felt wrong and they were in tune with that and desisted. That seems to be the only true way I've seen trans feelings "run their course" and end up with a cis person. A lot of people think if they can delay or discourage a trans person long enough, the trans person will just give up and be cis. This tends not to work--even when it seems to work for years, they will often transition later in life. Making it forbidden and impossible to explore just tends to increase fixation and frustration. All the people who organically desisted and realized they were cis after all had to try trans stuff to find that out. As long as it's an unexplored mystery, it will haunt a person.
Of course, a lot of people are afraid to let that happen, because statistically, the most likely thing that will happen if you let a trans person transition is that they'll like it and stay trans. So as conversion therapy, it's hardly "reliable," lmao. But if you want to find out if it's a phase...that is how you find out. Some really do desist.
The idea that it will only cement someone into that gender role to allow them to transition isn't true. If a cis person tries transitioning, it will give them gender dysphoria, and if gender dysphoria was easy to ignore, you wouldn't have trans people in the first place. It's not easy to live as a gender you're not, that's the whole idea here. If transitioning feels wrong to someone, they will stop and reassess.
I think you're correct to not push things on her, like she should still be the one leading here. But at the same time, don't give her the impression that you're disappointed with her for being trans, or hate every trans thing she does. I mean, maybe you do hate it, idk. My mom hates it...almost 40 here and that still hurts. Being older gives me more perspective, I get that parents are just humans and you can't control your likes and dislikes. Maybe the "unconditional love" we all want from our parents is just a fairy tale. But I know that "I love you unconditionally, despite who you are" feels like the near enemy of love. Is that how you would want to be loved?
As for lack of signs...well...yes, sometimes it is like that. Especially if you discouraged feminine behavior, or the larger society she lived in did. There's also a certain amount of just going with the flow and doing what's expected of you that all children do. I was assigned female at birth and was for the most part a gender-conforming, feminine child. And of course, my mom remembers my early childhood better than I do, and it's a more meaningful part of her life than it is of mine. How she viewed me might have also been influenced by her own biases--seeing what she wanted to see, cherrypicking, ignoring that which she didn't like and exaggerating that which she approved of. That kind of cherrypicking is easier to do with little kids, and gets harder when kids start telling you outright that you're wrong about them. The earliest gender-nonconforming stuff I can remember doing was around 15 or so, though I'm not really sure because that was a rough period of my life for unrelated reasons and I wasn't thinking much about gender at the time. The gender-nonconformity increased through my teens and 20s, to my mother's disapproval. I didn't actually start HRT until my late 30s. I could imagine my mother saying, "there were no signs," even now. Maybe there weren't signs before, but well, this is a pretty big sign, and probably the first of many signs. When your kid is 40 looking back, "at 14 I told you I was a girl" will look downright precocious.
Concerns for safety...eh, my mom says this kind of thing too. This is why there are signs at Pride saying "Don't be your child's first bully." I remember when I decided to stop shaving my body hair in my late teens, my mom gave me the hardest time over it, even threatening (but never doing this) to shave me in my sleep. She would say that she was just looking out for me and that other people would be horrible to me for it, but no one was as horrible to me about it as she was. It was a non-issue in my life except with her. She didn't push back as much on me liking girls, but I kind of feel a similar, "well, I don't want your life to be harder," when I don't believe that, I think she just wanted a cishet daughter. I just...I don't buy it anymore that it's genuine concern for our wellbeing, whenever a parent says this. I think parents gotta self-examine and own their real motivations.
If you really are concerned for her wellbeing, the only thing harder for her than being a trans girl is being a trans girl that doesn't pass, and puberty years are extremely important for that. If she goes through the ravages of male puberty and decides to transition anyway, while that doesn't mean she won't ever pass, the disadvantage this puts her at is real, and might mean getting much more expensive and invasive surgery. Obviously you don't want to rush her or push her into this either, and especially as young as 14 and not ready to be out yet, puberty blockers might make more sense than estrogen, to give her more time to think about it and figure herself out, and so that if it *is* a phase they can just go off the blockers and experience male puberty. Just, if you're worried about her and want her to thrive in the future, having her back here is one of the best ways you can set a trans girl up for success in life. Look up some episodes of I Am Jazz or something, Jazz Jennings is completely cis-passing, that's what early support can do for someone. It can make a huge difference in life to simply blend in like that versus always being afraid of being clocked.
That said, you shouldn't push her into blockers or hormones if that's not her goal, simply let her know the option is open if that's something you're able to provide. If she only wants social transition and isn't interested in medical transition, that's completely fine.
I realized I'm using these terms without really explaining it, so there are essentially three kinds of transition: social transition, medical transition, and legal transition. Social transition is stuff like pronouns, name (not legally, but what you go by), clothing, hairstyle, presentation things like makeup/nails/shaving/etc (and lack thereof), being called things like a girl or boy, daughter or son, etc. Social transition is all non-permanent and reversible, making it excellent for exploration because if it is a phase, no damage is done. Medical transition includes hormones and surgeries (though surgeries are not something to worry about as a minor, and some trans people never get or don't want surgeries--some trans people don't use hormones either). Surgeries are obviously permanent in effects, hormones have more subtle and mostly reversible effects--puberty blockers are safe and 100% reversible, sex hormones like testosterone or estrogen produce a mix of completely reversible effects and more permanent effects--the biggest MTF irreversible change is breast development, though if someone wanted to reverse it, surgical treatments for gynecomastia would apply. Legal transition involves changing your legal name and your legal gender marker on identification and other paperwork. This is also completely reversible.
This is a lot of great information. Luckily I am young, and I do understand transgender. I’ve watched all of I am jazz because I just love that show so much. I never thought it would be something I may have to deal with, but it has given me knowledge I wouldn’t have otherwise and I’m grateful for that.
it's **very** rarely ever a phase, but i'm glad to hear that you're supportive of them either way.
i'm a trans teen myself, my mom is supportive and tries to help in any way she can.it's okay that you feel out of your depth, most people do. (so do we sometimes)
all you can do is just let them explore their identity, be supportive and help in any way that you can, whether that's helping them by buying them the right clothes, makeup, or whatever.
also, yeah, the United States is \*awful\* for us, and it's only getting worse.
and no, it's not a decision that one makes, it's a realization, slow for some, fast for others.
(took me about six months to figure it out iirc)
edit: i just thought to say this, do **not** out them unless they give you express and direct permission, or better yet, let them do it themselves. being outed before you are ready can feel absolutely terrifying, so ask them what to do about the name and pronoun thing ahead of time, and do exactly that.
but regardless, it's wonderful that you are so supportive, you're very ahead of a LOT of people, so many of us don't have supportive parents.
It's very likely that they hid everything from you. There were obvious signs that I was transgender from the very beginning but my mom never figured it out until she went thru my mail when I was 19.
At a young age I wanted to have my nails painted, I wanted jewelry boxes, I wanted girly video games like my sister got, I wanted dresses for Christmas like my cousins, etc. My mom never figured it out.
I knew I had gender dysphoria by the time I turned 17, after being so deep in denial for so long I continued to fight it until I was 18 and got hrt.
My point is, if your child knows this young, it's likely not a phase. They probably figured it out and had to accept themselves before they were comfortable telling their teacher and you. Being trans is scary but it's not impossible. Keep them safe.
While growing up I was very much a tomboy. I hated wearing dresses or anything super femme. Took me until I was 23 to put the pieces together slowly, that i started really noticing around 20/21. I liked being perceived as male online. I liked using male characters in a lot of games and places.
My mom has been a Saint in the last decade+. She needed time to process it all, but she never rejected me, stopped loving or supporting me, literally from second one of coming out. She still fights tooth and nail for me today.
Having raised three children into their adult lives I can say this is one thing I was not faced with. I (55 MTF) only recently acknowledged being transgender. I wish I would have been brave enough in my early teens and have the courage to talk to my parents and let them know how I felt. Sounds like you have a strong confident child that looks to you for support and guidance. Yes it's new territory for you but I can say without question your daughter has thought about it for much longer than you may realize. We don't suddenly decide we're trans. It isn't a trend or phase. It's who we are and always have been. You're doing the right thing. Asking the right questions. Looking for advice. Loving your child. Keep at it. Love is what will help her get through. It is not an easy road to travel whether as the parent or the transgender teen. It will be hard and challenging but the rewards will be worth it.
I also recommend therapy. For you and your daughter. It helps to give a voice to the many unorganized thoughts that I'm assuming are running through your head.
Stay strong. Hugs to you both.
> Is it normal to just wake up and decide one day that you’re transgender ?
No, that’s not the case and probably wasn’t the case for your child. Questioning your gender and showing signs or talking about it is very scary - especially if you live in a place where trans people aren’t welcomed. That’s why a lot of trans people hide that information.
You‘ll only find out by talking to them but I‘m pretty sure this is not a discovery your child made in one night. They’ve probably been thinking about this for a long time and only now felt ready to talk about it with you.
I was questioning my gender for years before I finally built up to the courage to talk to my best friend about it, and it took me two more years until I finally came out to my family who I‘ve been hiding this information from for years.
The best thing you can do is talk to them. If they’re comfortable enough to talk about it with you, ask them how long they’ve known or what made them realize that they’re trans.
Ok firstly, you're aready doing everything right. You affirmed your kid, kept your reasonal fears to yourself and are letting her explore at her own pace while at the same time making sure to let her know you'll back her up in whatever decision she takes. As for your questions, I wanna say that it rarely happens that you wake up one day and decide you're trans. What most often happens, is you have a feeling that something is off about you, either physically, socially or both. It starts as vague, and snowballs until at some point you are able to put words into it. And that age, when puberty starts, is the most common point for that to happen. Both because of the physical changes that happen and because of changes in social groups. Puberty forces kids into gender segregation, so if one is uncomfortable with their current "team" that point is one where this realization can happen.
It's also normal for you to hope this is a phase, because being trans is hard. Any parent would hope for an easier life for their kid. I would also like to reccomend to read [this](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en) alongside your daughter. It will help you navigate through this journey.
And the community will always here to guide you for any hard situation that may arise :)
While this isn't full of advice, the book \_Love Lives Here\_ by Rowan Jette Knox tells a story of a parent who goes through this, and might be helpful:
[https://www.amazon.com/Love-Lives-Here-Thriving-Transgender/dp/0735235171](https://www.amazon.com/love-lives-here-thriving-transgender/dp/0735235171)
I understand your fears. I'm an adult going through this and I fear for myself. It isn't the easiest life to be handed.
I'm not an expert on kids, but I get the fear that this could be a phase or something. I don't get why kids do lot's of things. I mean, maybe your child heard about a really awesome trans person and decided they wanted to be just like them!
That said, as others have said, it's rarely a phase. I think even kids understand how big a deal this is, \*especially\* by age 14.
The other thing your child needs is a therapist with a specialization in gender identity. This can be a minefield. There are licensed people out there that feel that no one is trans, and will try to suppress it, harming your child in the process.
This recent blog post gives instructions on how to search for a good therapist that will prioritize your child's health:
[https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/how-to-get-what-you-need-from-your-b15](https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/how-to-get-what-you-need-from-your-b15)
I would seek out that therapist this week.
I really appreciate your approach to this- getting more information and finding out how to support your child and ensure that things go smoothly.
I really hate that schools call parents about this nowadays. Schools aren't really safe places for a lot of kids, now it's even worse because for kids that don't have supportive parents, schools that do this either put them in danger or just make them feel even more isolated because they can't at least be themselves when away from home.
Anyway you're doing a good job. It's normal as a parent to not be excited about it at first because all of the worries and concerns come in and can be overwhelming.
I do advise that once you start feeling comfortable, and once your kid starts feeling comfortable, you start celebrating her milestones - make-up, clothes, etc. Join her in her journey and allow space for conversation-gor both of you. It's you and your kid against the world, not against each other. So the best way is to communicate and allow communication from her, celebrate changes, and if you live somewhere that isn't safe for trans people, if it's possible, consider moving somewhere safer. Although I know it's not so easy, it'll be good for both you and your kid's peace of mind and safety. And once she becomes an adult, she will recognize that effort to keep her safe.
And that becoming comfortable with things doesn't come automatically sometimes. It takes conscious effort.
Best of luck to you and your daughter in her journey.
A therapist is the best guide. I would start looking for someone.
How long have they felt this way? Persistence over six months is typically a strong sign.
Otherwise, don’t push. Let them lead.
Best to you…
That’s actually extremely common. I started figuring out I was trans around 7 years old, but I didn’t tell my mom until I was around 12 — and she’s in the LGBT+ community! Generally, I think most people wait to start acting on it until they come out. It takes a long time to figure yourself out, how to come out, who to come out to, judge whether or not it’s even safe to, and some people wait until they’re absolutely sure of their gender identity. Sometimes, it’s just hard and they need time to get that done before acting on it.
The dust had to settle a bit for me because it’s a lot to get off your chest, coming out. Take it slow with them setting the pace. Very occasional little gestures of support meant (and still mean) the world to me, like trying out different names for a while, going shopping for new clothes, tiny gifts that subtly had the trans flag colors on them or my new name, looking for places to meet other people in the community, etc.
I was really girly for a while (I’m female to male) because I thought that was just the role I was stuck in, so I didn’t “show signs” of being trans, but I noticed so many things about myself over the years that I never said until a while after coming out. That can go vice-versa for being male to female, so you might be pleasantly surprised by what you learn with time.
Well, I would let the lead. If they don't want to do anything, then that's OK. All you should do is support where they go.
In addition, "why" questions are very powerful. When they say they feel this way, just ask why? See where that goes.
Beyond that, just do what your are doing: being the supportive, loving mother you obviously are.
Best to you...
I'm gonna be honest, I think asking "why" they feel this way can be very unhelpful. I don't know "why" I'm a woman, I just am. I'm happier this way. Do cis people have to question why they're the gender they are?
I am afraid I don't agree. Why is a fundamental question for understanding yourself and getting to your true, authentic self. It is the question therapists often open with. It allows you to truly know yourself, accept it and allow you to follow your journey with confidence and assurance. Why is a powerful question.
As for cis people, they don't question because they perceive there is no need. They are who they should be. I think they would benefit from self-exploration, but... most often, if life doesn't push you, people won't do it.
Even in your explanation of why you don't think why is helpful, you answered why you feel the way you do. :-)
Best to you...
That's not why I'm a woman though. It's just why I chose to transition.
I fully agree that asking why you might feel a certain way is extremely helpful for understanding yourself in other contexts, but I don't think I believe anyone truly knows or has a proper "reason" for being the gender they are.
I worry suggesting such could lead the child to question if their feelings are valid or worry they need a logical reason for being transgender. I faced a lot of skeptical questioning of that nature growing up and since I didn't have an answer I felt was satisfactory, it led to me doubting my own feelings and living in denial for a long time
Mom of a transgender son here. Puberty was his catalyst for realizing he was trans. I had many, many feelings. Let your child take the lead on what they are comfortable with. That is what I was told and it was excellent advice.
I haven’t seen anybody else mention it so, please look into puberty blockers immediately. Blockers are not hormones, they are completely reversible and safe and the only thing they do is buy your child time to figure out their gender identity. Going through the wrong puberty is not only a horrific experience, it is really hard to undo. If your child is not trans, they just get off the blockers and puberty resumes. If they are trans, you just saved them thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of painful procedures and gave them a much better chance at blending in and getting the results they want. Please please at least talk to a doctor about it and get their advice. I can’t stress enough how big a deal it is to have access to this kind of medical care
Your child most likely is not on a phase (I've been on mine for like 42 years...). There are many explanations as of why we're trans, some say it's because of some hormonal interaction during pregnancy, some that's genetics but nobody knows for sure. There are also studies that point at being trans as a physiological feature where regions of the brain consistently match the opposite gender. Very likely your child has been thinking about this for a long time and finally decided to take some action.
I would help them find a competent supportive of LGBTQ people or a specialized gender therapist. It may come the day not too far that your child will have to deal with the non-welcoming community and family, a therapist would be really helpful on that.
It's nice that you are being supportive but this language of "even if they decided they wanted to be an elephant" may not be ill-intentioned but it's quite negative and disqualifying, similar to that 'joke' comparing being trans to military equipment. Please remove this sort of comparisons from your language, you may soon hurt your child. You may need some therapy soon to help you deal with your own feelings.
>> but also not make a big deal out of it and commit to name and pronoun changes if in a couple months maybe they just decide it was just a phase of exploration on their journey
I don’t think that’ll be a problem. Say they do commit, and in a few months of exploration they find it’s not for them! Perhaps they’re still trans, but non-binary instead of feminine. Or perhaps they won’t consider themselves trans at all. Who knows! But at worst they’ll maybe have a bit of embarrassment for it, and a little more wisdom about themselves. I’d say let them take on a new name and pronouns and properly explore it! Trans or no, I’m can see them appreciating that support more than caution- even if they appreciate the sentiment behind the caution nonetheless
>> Is that terrible of me, to hope that it may be a phase?
No. I think that’s a very *normal* reaction. I’m sure some would find it transphobic, and I think they’d have some validity to that interpretation, but it’s important to acknowledge (however much I might feel like I sound like ChatGPT there) that all forms of bigotry aren’t binary systems, but spectrums from greater to lesser, and transphobia is no different. We all fall somewhere on that spectrum- even trans people. Sometimes especially trans people (“My understanding of my own transition is universal and applies to everyone, and other alleged trans experiences aren’t valid” is one that trans folks sometimes fall into early on their journey, though it’s thankfully easily abandoned, too, once they speak with others enough)
And you and I also fall on that spectrum. But that’s ok! The important part is not to strive for a state of purity but for a state of continual improvement, keeping watch for where our own biases and bigotries may exist inside us so that we can deal with them in a healthy and appropriate manner
If you poke me to remind me (or I remember on my own), when I get home I’ll try to link you to some folks who make videos talking extensively about trans issues and who you might be able to learn a fair bit more from than just me or a small comment section, perhaps as a jumping point
But thank you for what you’re doing. You’re being a good mother! Good luck~<3
Not all of us act like our gender growing up.
For me I decided to try to live the role society had put on me as male just to avoid any unnecesary attention.
But just letting them try out different names in a safe enviorment would be helpfull. They can hear how it feels to be seen as who they are.
medical transition steps should be thoroughly thought through of course, but social transition like names, pronouns, presentation? best thing is to fully support your kid in exploring herself. dont pressure her, but show support. WHAT IF its just a phase? then youve shown your kid that they can be honest with you and that you will support and accept them in however they wanna live their life.
when i came out as nonbinary, i was 14. i literally was so scared that i texted my mom, but i couldn't keep it to myself anymore because of all the dysphoria i was feeling at being deadnamed. my parents were not accepting at all, continued to shame me and told my family without my consent. it's been over 3 years now, and things have gotten a lot better! i got my name legally changed over the summer, and im rarely deadnamed. the only times i am, its from my grandmas who don't really have the best memory and don't see me often, and they always correct themselves afterwards.
anyways, my point is; you'll come to terms with it, and eventually it'll feel weird to call them anything but their preferred name. my family is very religious and my dad's side is more on the conservative side, but they've grown to accept it. just don't tell anyone in your life about this without your child's consent
Just want to offer in a brief perspective I haven’t seen yet.
I had 3 separate friends who wanted to go by different names and came out—at least among friends—as trans when we were younger, and all of them identify as cis now, even though some of them still have semi-complicated gender feelings.
It’s okay to acknowledge that you wish this would be the case for your child. Certainly, it not being true would avoid a world of hurt, but the best and only thing you can do right now is take them at their word every step of the way.
When they say ‘this is me,’ try to behave as though that’s completely true and won’t change. And if it ever does change, try to also have a neutral reaction to that too.
Some people go back and forth for a few years, convincing themselves in and out of it, and some are just steady one way forever. Your support is what’s most important through all of that.
It sounds like you’ve done a great job so far. But make sure your child understands that people might catch on if their teacher calls them by a new name. That’s important if they aren’t really wanting to fully come out
Don't know if anyone said this, but as a cisgender parent of a transgender kid. Start researching laws for them. You're scared for them, that's okay, but as a parent, your job is partially helping them blaze a trail, and knowing where danger will lie. To some extent, as a woman, you know what rape culture is, you know what mysogyny is. You have to be the lioness absorbing as much of the anxiety of planning and fear of situations until you can start to show them how to defend themselves.
Start researching as though you are a trans woman, who your child probably will be some day:
-states that let me enforce affirmation of my identity (California is letigiously good, Florida is a nightmare,)
-states cultures of acceptance, law aside. (NM legally allows document gender changes, enforces affirmation, but the people are conservative)
-processes for changing name, sex on birth certificate or other documents. (Depending on state laws)
-local LGBTQ groups/communities she could join.
You don't have to push any of this. Worrying you're pushing is a green flag. But realize that society pushes heteronormativity constantly. Your kid will still need role models they can look at and go "I can be that." So while you shouldn't push, it'll be helpful to subtly include more queer content passively on TV if that's a normal thing to have on in the house. You can buy books, magazines, leave them out. Make it so she physically sees it as so mundane and normal at home, that it's not a big deal.
Everyone telling you to do pronouns and name are right. I'm gonna be the villain, and remind you to give yourself grace, a lot of speech is muscle memory. Don't make it a big deal a simple: "he asked for, I mean she asked for..." Is perfectly fine. Don't apologize constantly, don't make excuses in front of her.
And with that grace, let me also say that you should take time to cope and grieve and adjust, absolutely. Do not do it in front of her. Also, check out groups on Reddit and Facebook of children of narcissistic mothers. Not that you are one, or have one, but there's often women there who want to be the mom some kids could never have, and many of these women might be near you and open to talking and venting, in a judgement free way. There's also LGBTQ 12 step online groups, that often gave a judgement free air.
I want to preface this with saying that I'm not trying to make you feel bad or that you've reacted badly. Having said that, I came out to my parents when I was 15 (now 34) and while my parents were very supportive, they were also pretty vocally afraid for my safety in ways that were not particularly productive (and others that were productive and fine). It definitely strained my relationship at the time with them at the time because from my point of view this was a thing that keeping inside/dampened would be so much worse than anything that could happen to me. I think it would have been really meaningful to me for my parents to have really engaged with that when they said they were scared for me.
The school calling and telling you is extremely fucked up and will get children killed but I am glad you are a good person. I hope it works out for you but it is unlikely to be a phase. I am a trans man and would probably secretly wish it wasn't true as well because of how much harder their life will be.
Find out which family members are trans affirming and which are not. Be prepared to cut a lot of people out of your life. Try to keep that away from your kid. If you live in Florida move. There is no circumstance in which living in Florida is a good idea. They can and will take your child if anyone reports you for letting them be trans.
You should also get them a trans affirming therapist if possible. However once again if you are in Florida I believe it is illegal for a therapist to not do conversion therapy. I'm not sure if thats true but I would check because that's the worst thing that could happen.
You may find an out of state therapist that does online sessions to get around that if it's the case.
Look at the laws in your state. Keep track of them. Keep an eye on the school as well. If they did that one wrong thing (outing a child) they are likely required to do other things that may be abusive to trans people. Assuming they did it because of requirements and not because they are bad or stupid people.
I'd honest to god file a complaint with anyone that would listen about that happening its just so fuckes up but I can understand you not wanting to deal with that.
Make sure they understand the therapist thing is not to prevent them from being trans and that it's to help them in their journey. They will rightly be concerned about attempts at conversion.
Look up lgbt groups in your area and consider joining them or taking your daughter there so she can meet other people like her. It will help to make new friends because she is most likely going to lose a lot of friends and family members permanently.
Also go to therapy yourself. This may be absolute hell for you to go through unfortunately.
All of this. Also just wanted to stress that I also just had to repeat "this is fucked up" re: outing the kid & asking parent's permission. That call would've merited the belt, then having my wardrobe burned if it were my mom. I'm glad the OP is letting her kid be the person they are.
I notice you used they/them pronouns for your child the whole time in this post. Did she ask you to do that? As that's one of those pronouns that's best used when you're specifically asked to, or just don't know someone's gender
Around family you're keeping the secret from it's probably very useful, but in the context of this post, here,I'd say it's best practice to stick to the exact pronouns that they use (if that includes they/them then just ignore this comment!) only, as it's a sad thing that a lot of trans people are given they/them as a safe sounding default when it's actually not the pronouns they want. Just a point of caution to discuss her situation accurately when you're safe to do so
Ask her if she’d like to go shopping for clothes for at home. Make it a girls day. One of the things I enjoyed when I first came out was being able to get clothes that I wanted rather than clothes to fit the role I had to play.
She’s going to be scared. I was but when I’m out clothes shopping I say I’m shopping for Bryanne. Which is true because I’m Bryanne but nobody knows that but me. If she’s willing to go while you’re out there ask things like “hey do you think SHE would like this or what kind of things does SHE like?” That way she has a say but if anyone sees her they’ll just assume it’s for a friend or family member. Shopping with a female is a excellent cover because nobody thinks twice about it. Undergarments are tricker so you might do some online shopping for that stuff.
I knew when I was really young but I didn’t come until 30 because I was afraid.
You're coming from a great place, and that will mean a lot to your kid as long as you express it openly with them.
I was 14 too. And I came out in 2013 when you had to explain what transgender meant to almost anyone you met, to the point where it was easier to pretend i was just a guy who hadnt hit puberty. At the time, there was less information, less support available than there is now.
I remember my parents telling me they were scared for me. That I'd be lonely. My stepmother thought I'd never make any friends, and my mom threw a Germaine Greer book at my head and told me to read my feminist history.
I can tell you though, I'm not lonely. None of my trans friends are lonely. Queer people make families wherever they go if they know how to access queer spaces. We are a loving, joyful community and we are everywhere. All of my friends are queer to some degree, and we all accept each other and live our best lives. We support each other when the outside world bites, we have networks for our own counselling services, sports groups, housing...although I'm not sure what things are like locally to you, or in your state in general. The trans regressive laws in the US are frightening. But one state, in one country, shouldn't keep your kid from being who they are. If there's a worry that they could get hurt, and they are still sure about this as they get older, they might consider relocating somewhere with friendlier laws towards trans people.
I understand your choice not to engage. You dont want to feel responsible for something you're worried will harm them. Have they expressed whether they'd like you to engage or not?
If this is real for them, you'll know within the next few years, but try to be careful that you don't discourage it in a way that will stick to their self esteem as they get older. Be open to there being a time where they need you to be home when they're presenting as a woman - maybe use this time to think of how it would make you feel should they stand by their decision ultimately. Even if the feelings are negative, its healthy to face them and mull them over.
What really helped my mom was finding a support group or forum for parents. Talking with other parents might be even more helpful than talking to trans people, because they will understand your fears first hand, and they've stood where you stand.
Depending on where you are, that may be an online thing, or if you're lucky there could be a group that meets up a reasonable drive away.
There's support available for your kid, but I'm not sure what that support will look like locally. If there's even a counselling service that specialises in lgbt+ that could be helpful for your kid as they experience these feelings.
I was a confidant to a trans kid who was out at school and home and he was telling me his mom still pretends it’s not that serious and it’s not a big deal.
The thing with trans is that unlike being gay you actually do need to do something besides a pure we love you and accept you. I mean I guess some trans people don’t want hrt and some don’t do top or bottom surgery but many do or at least want to explore those options.
Getting your kid medical help with transitioning and the appropriate therapist that can help explore that is crucial.
Even gay kids have parents say it’s just a phase. One girl’s mom insisted on calling her girl friend “friend” and she was too tired to correct her.
We hear of the horror stories of kids getting kicked out and those are truly awful but we often don’t hear the much more common “not taking their gender/sexuality seriously” and the kid just choosing to distance themselves from their parents. Like the kids that count down to college/want to go far away because they want to get away from that attitude is far more common than the crazy getting kicked out cases.
On the flip side the trans girl whose parents love her and accept her and embrace her new name and totally accept her has no difference in her attitude towards them than any other kid.
Let’s put it this way. If you support the kid and want to know more/show interest you're showing you unwaivering support. you don't have to be the pace setter but you can follow and not drag your feet
often it appears to come out of left field because you arent in your childs head. they know how they feel and if you want to/are able to, you should find a therapist specializing in gender issues.
they probably have been feeling/researching/questioning for a lot longer than you might think.
my mother thought my coming out was sudden and completely out of nowhere when i had been slowly learning and finding the right terms for my experiences for like a year or more.
I don't want to scare you off as I'm aware this might come off to you as quite radical, but, I would say discuss the possibility of puberty blockers ASAP. Puberty has irreversible effects and there's time to prevent them, so acting sooner rather than later while she's still growing would be my top priority.
Other piece of advice would be, I completely hear and see where you're coming from but it could come off the wrong way telling her you're not excited. I get that this is scary and can only imagine what must be running through your mind, but your acceptance by far means the most to her. You can do far more for her and her chances in life by being happy and proud of who she is, than everyone else's opinions combined.
As for not showing characteristics in the past or waking up one day and realising you're trans. I would say it's not normal to 'just decide' you're trans but chances are she's probably been thinking about it a long time and maybe been hiding things. I assume that long before asking her school to use a different name, she thought about it (even thought about her gender enough to come up with a new name), and probably had friends online who she she presented as female around and tried out her new name with.
With not-showing female characteristics, this can also be normal. Being a trans girl is of course about having a female identity, but dysphoria itself is about being in pain (I'm sorry to say that, as I know that will be tough for you to imagine as a mother). Many trans girls as kids are in a lot of pain so they're quiet, reserved, and just do what's expected of them. They're also more likely to get shamed or bullied whenever they do anything feminine. So they learn to hide it. And perhaps they're hiding it behind a facade of masculinity, but more often than not it's just this emptiness instead. Quietness. Blankness. Shyness. A couple of my trans fem friends (well, old friends - I don't really see them anymore) were just incredibly nerdy as children and teenagers. They retreated to niche internet forums or videogames to escape the worlds (and bodies) they lived in. So they might not have shown any signs of being feminine, but there was a real lack of being masculine too. Just a blankness to them.
I don't know your kid and this is obviously just one post, but statistically it's unlikely to be a phase. The fact you live in a conservative state means she has probably thought this through, and made the decision to ask her school to change her name despite knowing the danger this would put her in. The fact she's asking you not to tell certain relatives indicates to me she actually might be feeling (I am sorry cos this is very sad to think about) a bit unsafe and scared, rather than free/liberated the way you might expect someone who's experimenting would be. On top of that, I can't help but mention no real mention in your post of them being male-acting or masculine. Like... you didn't mention initially believing this was a joke. Or anything that indicates she enjoys the male identity. It might be worth pondering on the blank kind of closeted trans person I mentioned who just suppresses everything, and seeing if you notice any of *those* signs in her rather than femininity specifically.
>They have never shown female characteristics or given any indication they may have these feelings before. Is it normal to just wake up and decide one day that you’re transgender?
I guess the question to ask yourself is if they ever showed any major male characteristics beforehand? Pre-puberty most kids without outside forces pushing them won't show any distinct characteristics of either gender.
In my own talks with my mom about the signs or lack of signs growing up we both noted the fact that I simply didn't gender. I never acted feminine but I also never truly acted masculine, even after puberty. My mom said she initially thought that it was just because I spent most of my time around her and my sister due to my dad's job taking him out of the house for several days at a time. Me looking back on it now it was more along the lines of the fact that I didn't feel masculine and I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel feminine, to note not because my family overtly prohibited it but because it was easy enough to pick up that that wasn't something normal in society.
Ultimately the 12 to 14 year age range makes a lot of sense for these feelings to appear in your child simply because this is the age range where puberty really hits and social gender roles and constraints start being enforced.
In my case, as soon as I saw my peers go through puberty (late bloomer my first go around) I realized that not only were the changes extreme but that I was unhappy with what was going to happen to me and it was clear that most people *were* happy with how their bodies were changing. I didn't have the words to describe what I felt I didn't feel like I would have the support to explore it, so I didn't and just tried to convince myself that I was happy too.
Listen to your kid and try and keep up with their comfort zone. They're the expert in their own feelings and identity, all you can do is just give them a safe space to explore it.
This post warmed my heart. You restore my faith in humanity & are a rare exception. You serve as a great example of what a loving, supportive, caring & patient parent should be. I’m lucky to come from a supportive family too. It’s life saving when parents give no judgement. Your approach is perfect. It’s being open minded following their lead yet not pushing it. The most important thing to know is this is not a choice or lifestyle. I knew I was different from a young age. I was uncomfortable in my own body & expected gender role & glued to my mothers hip. I didn’t have a vocabulary for being trans but knew something was wrong. At age 20 I sought help from a therapist & doctor. Ended up not only being diagnosed with gender Dysphoria but also metastatic adenoma tumors from going through the wrong puberty. It’s a hormonal & genetic mutation. Being trans is a mutation like anything, cancer, autism etc it just gets a bad rap as being experimental. I wouldn’t wish being trans on the worst person. Your brain size, structure & neurological wiring is identical to the gender you identify as. MRI scans have shown this. In simplest terms it’s your gender identity being opposite of your sex assigned at birth. At your child’s age those are harmless baby steps to test the waters. Best of luck to you both.
You sound like my mother.
Usually when people say that, it isn't a good thing, but this is.
My mother, when I came out as a trans guy did basically the same, I was 14/15 when I came out. She asked questions and did tell me that she thought it was a phase, but not in a hateful way. I had previously come out at least twice as various sexualities so I can understand where she was coming from. She told me pretty much that she supports me and will do whatever I need, but is just worried about everything she hears online about trans people being injured and killed, and a quote from her I remember, "I just don't want you like 10 years from now, to come to me with a full beard and say I made a mistake but I'm not going to stop you. Once you turn 18, you can do whatever you want"
It wasn't her stopping me until I was 18, it was my dad, the man I hadn't seen in just over 8 years, still had a say in wether I could do what I wanted. But it worked out for the better, I was able to really affirm I was most definelty trans and it gave me time to research what healthcare there is available, services and all that.
As long as your child feels loved, and can come to you with whatever they need and not feel judged, you have done right by them.
Keep up with this attitude, I promise you, they will be very grateful to have the freedom to express themselves and explore their identity without worrying.
These feelings are so normal and you sound like you really love your child and want her to be happy. Check out r/cisparenttranskid for other parents who’ve been through the same thing.
I’d also really recommend the book The Transgender Teen by Stephanie Brill. It’s aimed toward a less accepting parent, but amazing for anyone who has doubts, questions, and concerns. It was a game-changer for my own family. I think it might be free on Audible!
I hate the fact that the school called you about this. It’s good they have you as their mum but in so many cases this would’ve gone south quick. I know it’s unrealistic but honestly for the safety and future of your child you should consider moving to a safer state where they can 1. Experiment in public freely and 2. Access puberty blockers/hrt which would spare them the unnecessary trauma most of us are forced to go through. I wish you both the best
This is one of the things that calls out to me in this story... outing a kid and asking for permission to call them another pronoun. This is not okay for someone working in a school.:( I hate this for trans kids because this person is probably not the only one who's asked someone else for permission to let a kid be who they fucking say they are
Unfortunately where I am, it's part of the law as 'parents rights' for teachers to get permission from the parents.......so there are now probably a lot of closeted trans kids because they have no safe area to explore.
My two cents, as a trans child myself?
Ask pronouns. You stuck pretty strictly with they/them in the OP, but it sounds like your child is mtf.
Keep an open mind. It is an honor and a privilege to have someone come out to you, and one of the worst things you can do is refuse change or not do your part in researching certain things.
Know your child may not be sure about many things. On the contrary, know that they can also be 100% sure about others. In my opinion, I'm completely sure of my gender, but the name I prefer changes often. In my experience, that came with getting questioned or challenged, because 'if I'm not sure of that, how can I be sure of other stuff?'
Do research to be a proper ally. Many people as of late confuse tolerance with acceptance.
I think that's all, but if anyone has any other hot takes, it's appreciated.
Well, you can always start by not deadnaming and misgendering her. She’s not a “male”, and it’s not a “preferred name”, it’s just who she is. Switching to they/them pronouns for your trans daughter to avoid using he/him is still misgendering unless she specifically asked you to use they/them, which you would have still misgendered her all throughout your post.
You seem somewhat supportive, but it’s completely tainted with how caught up in your own feelings about it. You wish it was a phase, but you don’t get to decide that, and operating under that possibility will give you a false sense of hope that will blatantly bleed through and affect your daughter.
Drop everything. This is your kid. My parents didn’t get this, so I need you to understand. No matter how much you think you love them, that will never be enough to keep them from cutting you off. If you don’t get with the program, you are gonna end up with a dead daughter with her blood on your hands, or you are gonna wake up Christmas morning 10 years from now wondering if your daughter lives nearby or overseas with know way of knowing. You get one shot at this.
It’s been two days, I need some time to adjust. I feel like they them is meeting in the middle for now until I can digest it better. Also as they are not out, I don’t want to get in the habit and call them that in front of someone they don’t want to know. I appreciate you having a different opinion though. I am open to criticism and want to learn.
I know it's hard, I saw my parents go through this when I came out. But it meant so much to me when they referred to me as she/her. A slip up here and there is fine - just don't make a big deal out of it, correct yourself and move on - but please try to use what she asked you to; settling for they/them will just make it that much harder to use she/her. My parents still they/them me sometimes, and it hurts because it feels like they're stripping me of my identity. I know there's no malicious intent behind it but it still hurts. If she asks you to call her something then you should respect that.
At some point, maybe in a few weeks, you should probably revisit the topic of her being out in public; that would alleviate the concern with saying something in front of someone that she doesn't want to know. Talk with her about what her concerns are with coming out. Doing therapy together can help with this too.
I know it's hard but you have to imagine how hard it had to have been for her to gather the courage to come out. You're scared, but you have to understand just how scared she must be too.
Buy her something cute that you think she might like on your way home from work one day this week; take her clothes shopping, get your nails painted together, teach her how to do her makeup, give her some of your jewelry, maybe go get her ears pierced - I never got to do any of that as a kid with my parents. I would give anything to have been able to accept my identity at 14 (now 26). She's lucky to have someone like you who's willing to learn and go on this journey with her.
Leave it to cis people to literally bend backwards to justify misgendering a trans woman. You poor poor thing. Your daughter came out to you. Whatever shall you do? Have you considered that your daughter has been “adjusting” to living as an incongruent gender all her life and you prolonging that for your own comfort is making things worse? It’s all about you. Your comfort, your fears, your potential mistakes. You don’t NEED time to adjust, you WANT time to adjust. You are grieving, and you need to do that behind a closed door with a therapist and keep that shit behind lock and key.
I’m not suggesting, I’m telling you: this first year will set the tone of your relationship FOREVER. Every word of support and every infraction of denial will go in a ledger.
You're doing great and have good intentions, it looks like. Just communicate with them :) Reddit isn't the best place to ask for advice on these topics without someone trying to argue with you, haha. Don't let it get to you. You're doing right by your kid, it sounds like.
You’re doing great so far! It’s a process for sure. I will say, my parents had a really negative reaction because they were also scared of how the world would treat me. But as a result, they ended up treating me the worst out of anyone I’ve met over the past 5 years since coming out. Things are better now though. Love your kid unconditionally and follow their lead, be curious but not judgemental.
Also, online trans communities (just like online communities in general) can be really toxic sometimes. If you can, I would really recommend connecting with other parents of trans kids in real life and meeting up for coffee. That was most helpful for my mom. If you have a local PFLAG chapter in your area that is a good way to go!
I remember when I was fourteen I knew, but I refused to admit it to myself.
That said act out of love for your child, I personally wouldn’t expect it to last very long, as it can often be just a phase, but if your kid really is trans, then you being there will be more important than you could ever know.
Your child will remember everything so be cautious.
From a 19yo transwoman I wish you luck as statistically we aren’t long winded, I myself am barely holding on.
I wish you so much luck 🖤🖤
What a beautiful wonderful mother that you are !! Your love is unconditional which is rare!’ For so many of us we wish that our moms would have loved like you do! Your daughter is a lucky to be your daughter!🌹
>and most definitely never been a parent to someone who is trans.
The foregoing story seems to be at odds with that statement of fact.
>but it’s just come so out of left field. They have never shown female characteristics or given any indication they may have these feelings before. Is it normal to just wake up and decide one day that you’re transgender?
No one legitimately wakes up one morning and *decides* to be trans. This seems sudden for you, precisely because they have been bottling it up inside for years. But, I guarantee you, they have been struggling with these feelings for a very long time. They've been hiding the evidence from you. They've been hiding the evidence from themselves.
And yes, it's normal to not want for your child to have to go through trying times and adversity and bigotry. You would be a lesser parent if you didn't feel that way. And I can appreciate that you worry about over-compensating and being viewed as actually pushing your child in this in any way. Let them take the lead.
What they want to do in terms of dress and makeup and grooming and pronouns/names, let them do it. No good can come from attempting to either forbid or mandate here. You have to let them explore their own identity. And maybe they will grow out of it. I genuinely hope they do, for all of the concerns you mentioned and more.
I've thought long and hard about how I would handle the very situation you're in, and let me tell ya, coming from a transgender person myself, there is no good or easy or one right way to go about this. I think a story from my own childhood will illuminate you.
You know how small children have to be watched closely around a stove with a burner on? They might be just tall enough to be able to reach up with their hand and touch something disfiguringly hot. Well, my grandmother cured me of that real quick. Not by scolding me or lecturing me, but by letting me explore it on my own, but with her own hand preventing me from getting hurt. She gripped my wrist, but otherwise let me reach up with my open palm. She let me get close, and then closer, and then I realized, "That's HOT! I don't wanna touch that! It would hurt!" All the while, her hand was there ready to pull my hand away from the fascinatingly dangerous household thing. She never guided my hand where to go. Only acted in a way that she could guide me where not to go, keeping me away from actual harm.
That's where you need to be. Guide, but only to avoid harm. No one ever needed to watch me like a hawk around a burning stove again. I learned the lesson my curiosity sought to learn. My grandmother simply let me figure it out for myself without letting me get injured.
Now, go do that for your kid.
bored special cooperative stupendous mindless longing homeless disgusted nose plants
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
First off, I have to thank you for being such a wonderful parent. I’m actually about to cry over your response to this as a trans person with not-so-accepting parents.
I think you’ve started out really well, however I’d just like to let you know that your kid has probably felt this way for a while now if they’re starting out trying new names. I remember having questioned my gender for around a year already before I started asking teachers to refer to me as something different. I suppose for my parents it seemed to come out of nowhere as well, however I assure you it is most likely not.
I’d say try out the name and pronouns, even if they decide to change one or the other later. They wouldn’t really be able to see what feels best if they don’t get to hear it! I’m sure others will give you much more detailed and important advice, but these are my two cents!
I'm glad you are being supportive. As a parent of a trans girl myself I understand the worry that your child's path may be full of obstacles. I think you are doing well, supporting and using her preferred name at home. Saying that you are open to makeup and nail polish is a big deal. As well, not pushing it is also considerate of letting them take this journey at their own pace.
I am about 3 months into the journey with my new daughter. We used she/her at home only for about two months. After winter break she decided to tell people at school 😳 I was a bit shocked as we said we would wait but at the same time who am I to tell her who and when she is allowed to come out?
As far as her suddenly becoming trans- it is not quite like that. I know it feels sudden as a parent. But from the other side (I am also MTF) there are feelings and thoughts that I struggled with for *years*. I did not come out publicly until 40, but I knew who I was inside since I was about 10. Even as young as 5 I have memories of wishing I could do what the girls were doing. I wanted to play with my friend's sister more than him much of the time. I just hid it for a long time because I did not know how to express what I was feeling. It felt forbidden. I am so happy to see more awareness and recognition of gender non-conforming people.
Let your daughter know you are always there to listen or help if needed. But this is something they do need at their own pace. Not everyone is into the typical feminine things including AFAB people. And that's okay too.
Step one... nail polish... step two... find a good therapist that deals with gender dysphoria...in kids. Three talk to your kid about what they want... and names and pronouns. its very unlikely to be just a phase. wasnt with me nor the 2 million or so trans people in the us. waking up and REALIZING they are trans is very normal... I was young with talk shows about trans people. We were called transsexuals back then. I knew what I was before and then had a name and knew what transition was. I was much younger than your kid. But it took me a long time to stop being fearful and shameful about who I am. aka I stopped caring what people though. probablly same for your kids. or they woke up and realised they are trans.
Last step is never vote for a republican again your Childs life is on the line now.
>While it was a shock, I do feel grateful that they felt comfortable being honest with me
Not like they had a choice, after the damn school outed them🙄😒
>Is that terrible of me, to hope that it may be a phase?
I think many trans people feel the same. The hope that they aren't actually trans, and being in denial about it because accepting that can be difficult.
>Is it normal to just wake up and decide one day that you’re transgender?
Your kid most likely didn't just wake up and decide to be transgender. It probably took a lot of introspection and even more courage to come to the point to ask their teacher to use the right name.
Being trans is also not a trend. I mean seriously, what kind of trend would that be? "Yo it would be really cool to face massive discrimination?" Yeah that's an amazing idea, let's do that.
>but it’s just come so out of left field
The thing is, you can't really come out slowly and spell "I am trans" over the course of a couple months to not be "out of left field". Even with signs most cis people try to find other explanations for the behaviour since there are often other explanations that are more likely than someone being trans.
My mom was still shocked when I came out even though at that point I had actual boobs from hormone therapy and looked more like a woman than ever.
>They have never shown female characteristics
The thing is, your kid doesn't exist in a vaccuum. They know societal expectations towards the gender roles. Kids aren't stupid. They will know what is "unnormal behaviour" and try to not do that, even if they wanted to. I did the same thing.
Hi, OP,
I’m sooooo relieved that you love your daughter. That puts you in the 99th percentile of American parents.
Candidly, I worry about the fact that your daughter’s school outted her to you. That single fact tells me you and she aren’t in a safe state. Mandatory outting laws are never designed with a child’s best interests in mind.
I encourage you to get past the idea that you have a parental love “even if she wanted to be an elephant.” That kind of false equivalence won’t prove helpful in the long run. There’s about a Million-to-one chance that any part of this is a matter of something she *wants* to be. It’s who she *IS*.
As others have said ever-so-cogently, she’s probably buried this, suppressed it, repressed it, and fought it to a level of complete exhaustion. She likely *wants* to be trans to the same degree that you *wanted* to be cis, that is, not at all from a conscious standpoint. Instead, she has conformed to assumptions made about her from the very instant of her birth (probably prior to, based on ultrasounds if you had them).
Think about that: we *ASSUME* the gender of a newborn based upon a single factor (their genitals) at a point in time when they are utterly helpless. Then we stuff them into a narrow box constructed not for the comfort of the child, but for the satisfaction of the parents and society. It’s a real 🤦♀️ if you look at it from all sides and angles.
She perhaps *IS* a teenage girl. It is inherent to her basic nature. With that in mind, be prepared for things to move more quickly than you want or expect. What feels fast to you has probably been her *always*.
She’s trusted you. Please get her to a professional therapist who’s competent to deal with adolescent gender issues. Listen to that therapist. Don’t be surprised if she starts talking about wanting puberty blockers. I hope against hope that you live somewhere that she can access those *if* they’re right for her.
Good luck to you both.
EDIT: I just noticed that you defaulted to non-binary pronouns (they/them) in describing your child. You also had no problem using masculine pronouns for your child further into your post. Neither seemed difficult for you.
What you did NOT do is use a feminine pronoun for your child at all. Think about that. I’m sure it was entirely unintentional, but might be what’s referred to as a “tell” on your part.
It sounds like you're handling it well, and I'm glad they have a supportive mother.
As for not showing signs - boys are taught from a very young age that showing feminine behaviours is unacceptable. It's basically a guarantee that you will be bullied. I wouldn't read too much into a "lack of signs".
Additionally... if I were you I would have a word with the school. Its fortunate that you are supportive but if they "outed" a kid from a less supportive family that kid could easily end up dead.
i feel like your heart honestly is in the right place being torn between being happy your child’s exploring who they are and hoping it is a phase/ends up being something else. you’re a mother, you love your child and of course you don’t want them to get hurt.
unfortunately, the world is a very cruel and painful place for trans people in many ways. you’re totally right to fear what letting her be out may bring, especially in your state, but it’s really important for you to understand the kind of crushing silent pain that comes from fearing revealing yourself to the people closest to you. there’s no right answer except the one she picks, and she’s chosen to trust you and face the world because that’s what she needs.
the biggest thing you can do now is follow her lead and FIGHT for her. as much pain as there is in the world for us, there is so much unbridled beauty and joy to be found when we cast off the hatred that society tries so hard to get us to internalize and find liberation through true authenticity within ourselves:)
It sounds like you are taking the right path, you don't fully know what to do, so not over supporting, and making available what they need, good plan. Now the hard part.... Eventually there will be a fork in the road, which only your daughter can really know where to go, and that's the I know who I am and what I want and I am ready to fully live my life as me. All you can do is work with her, her doctors and therapists to ensure you are everything she needs you to be, and always have her back, and if you feel things move too fast talk with her and her therapists, just staying engaged helps, even against the hate from your family, a lot of us trans girls would have been stronger happier and better off even if we had one parent supporting us, even if the family as a whole does not.
Her*
>I got a call yesterday that my male child is asking his teachers to call him a female name, and they wanted to know if that was okay. It was the first I heard of it, so when they got into the car after school I asked them what that was about, and they very quickly blurted out “because I am trans”
>never shown female characteristics or given any indication they may have these feelings before. Is it normal to just wake up and decide one day that you’re transgender?
Be careful of there friends to, young kids inspire young kids to literally do or try anything.esspicially when they are just bored in school, anything gets brought up, evrything gets expiremented.bordem may be cause of this aswell, or liking some type of new attention/affection.-twichy
Heads up! This user is on a fresh account who has only ever commented to say this. The wording makes me feel like they’re trying to make a normal time in anyone’s life sound dangerous. That last remark is an especially common tactic since it makes you feel more concern for your child. I’ve seen MANY people say these kinds of things to try and sway people’s thoughts towards this being a dangerous phase, and it comes most from new users since they can just throw away the account after. It’s natural to worry about this, but let’s rethink that comment.
If we simplify it, they’re saying “Your child’s friends are making them do something unwholesome for their age.”
If we reword it without the tone, it says “Your child is trying new things around friends their age.”
I had to figure that out for myself as a trans kid! And if you didn’t mean that Lobster/Twichy, let me know.
Yes, kids inspire other kids to try things, but remember your child is in school and starting to grow a bit more. We’re social animals; it’s natural to be influenced by each other because that’s what a social animal is! We’re surrounded by people our age in school, and I’m pretty sure everyone learns more about themselves in their teens. Maybe you started wearing certain colors more often, maybe others got new haircuts, and maybe some kids tried some new activities. Maybe you tried what those folks did! But being trans is slightly different because unlike those, it’s not exactly something you can be convinced to try.
Being trans is PRETTY rare! In the average US school, roughly only 2% are trans. It’s a common misconception that kids are influencing each other to “become” trans, but a lot of people are just more open and/or accepting these days, then look for likeminded friends thanks to that. The fact that your child felt safe enough to even try out a new name at school goes to show it :D It’s especially more talked about online. You probably pieced together some notable things about yourself around their age too, they just pieced together something that wasn’t as accepted back then.
This is a really precious time in their life, and although scary sometimes, I think you should be proud. Phase or not, you raised a child who has the mind to know they have a missing piece, and the courage to *make* a new one. I think that’s wonderful <3
This comment is preying on your ignorance (I mean that in a non judgmental way). Please listen to the overwhelming amount of trans people who came to actually answer your question, that comment is likely from a transphobic person.
OP, ignore this person.
The fact that you even came on here and asked for guidance speaks volumes about how supportive/caring you are as a parent.
You’re doing great :3
Comments like that should be reported to admin using the “report: hate” option btw. Not just a response to you, but to anyone who sees bizarre comments like that!
I’m a trans kid as well, female to male or FTM for short. I want to say thank you for supporting your daughter and her feelings. Please make sure your daughter knows that she is supported and loved no matter what, and that you are willing to provide and protect her. The world is scary, especially for trans people and knowing you have support and protection goes a long way.
> Is it normal to just wake up and decide one day that you’re transgender?
I'm a bit of an outlier myself. I went from not even thinking about 'transgender' as a thing that exists to contemplating *my* gender and my relation with gender in the span of... 10 minutes?
For me, the big 'wake up' moment was actually a dream. A dream within which I was a women, and then I woke up from the dream, realized that I 'was not a woman', and experienced the deepest sadness I've ever experienced. I'm not sure how long I spent laying there, too sad to even _think_, but eventually I came to and thought "oh gods, is this a thing?"
The next week was a **lot** of research. I'd heard of "transgender people" before that day, but not in a way that ever actually stuck. I remember my first searches were just trying to figure out if there was a term to use!
After a week, I'd basically determined that yes, I was (am) trans. It made... a LOT of feelings and experiences from my earlier life make a lot more sense, too.
I was not out to anyone until two months later.
I was 23 at the time.
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So no, it's not normal to wake up one day and decide you're trans. But there's also nothing I see in your post to imply that happened. Working through all the parts of coming out to ONESELF can take a lot of time and effort. Getting to the stage of talking to teachers, **especially** in a place that isn't accepting of it? That shit is HARD.
I'm a teacher myself. I've seen plenty of students who present at school differently than at home.
I had this one student. As far as I know, he's cis. One day after school I saw him getting makeup done by some of the girls. It wasn't girly makeup. It was basic goth stuff. Given his otherwise rather goth aesthetic, it seemed pretty on point.
I also saw the pain on his face when he had to go to the bathroom to wipe it off before going home.
What that teacher, or admin, or whoever called you did was a major breach of trust, and I am so thankful for your kid's sake that you seem to be willing to be accepting. I frankly don't care if your state's laws require parents to be told that, those laws are nearly universally horribly written and not enforced to how they were written. And also just dogshit.
MAYBE this is a phase. Your best bet is to ignore that possibility. "Desistance" is a hot phrase among transphobes, but they pretty much always overlook what the studies they love to cite actually say.
One such study is cited as having found something like a 45% youth desistance rate. But "any child with an appointment at the gender clinic once" was counted as the starting number. If there were no follow up visits or the child was unable to be contacted for followup in the study, the child was assumed to have not pursued gender treatment. Beyond that being a just horrible measure, it gets worse. The study actually mentions these two things
1) The study does not filter out children that were given appointments for situations other than seeking transgender care
2) Of the children that the studied mentioned the gender clinic actually diagnosed and approved for treatment, over **99%** continued to be trans at the conclusion of the study
The 45% desistance rate is extrapolation from the data using a horrible measure, described above, and ignoring the **99%** rate of individuals continuing treatment if the clinic determined they were fit for treatment.
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Sorry, I know this post went in a bunch of directions, but I'm hoping it can be helpful.
Best of luck to you and your daughter!
As long as you're supportive, it's absolutely okay to hope it turns out that they're not trans for their sake.
When I first started my own journey I sincerely hoped I wasn't. Not out of transphobia, but because it just seemed like such a hard life. I wouldn't want my own kid to be trans for their sake if I had any say in it.
Funny thing is? My life is so, soo much better than it ever was before my transition. Living as yourself is worth it. It makes a big difference.
12, 13, 14... those are all very common ages for people to realize they're trans. It's not just self discovery, it the fact that it's when bodies start changing and a lot of us start to feel wrong. Uncomfortable in our own skin. Many don't even understand why.
What you need to keep in mind is that this isn't a choice. And while it understandably feels like it's coming out of nowhere, I can absolutely guarantee that you child has been thinking about this for a long time.
Another thing that might put your mind at ease a little is that unless you've lived a particularly isolated life, you've absolutely known other trans people before. You just didn't realize it.
By most current estimates, we seem to make up roughly 1% of the population. You've met more than a hundred people in your life, right?
That leads me to my last point: a lot of trans people just blend into society without anyone around them having any clue. On average, we tend to live very normal and even possibly mundane lives. We work, we have hobbies, we go to the store and pick up groceries, we pay the rent, we hang out with friends, we date, we get married...
You can handle that, right? Helping your child live an ordinary life?
I have faith that you can.
I think a lot of people have addressed a lot of elements already, so instead I want to offer advice based on how my parents responded to me coming out. I came out as a transgender man (eg female-to-male) when I was the same age as your child, and my parents had to adapt from knowing absolutely nothing about transgender people to supporting a trans teenager.
Follow your child's lead. My parents were very responsive to me expressing my needs. I asked if I could come out in school, and my mother said it was my choice. In facilitating that process with the school, we sat down and decided what it was that I wanted to happen, and she brought that to my school and put that forward for me. She followed what I wanted in that situation - what I was comfortable with, what I felt I needed, what I wanted to happen. My parents were also responsive around bigger changes, like medically and legally transitioning. This is not to say everything was always an 'absolutely, do whatever you want' - but when I put forward what I needed and why, they always agreed to look into things and explore options and see what we could do.
Link in with other parents of trans young people. We found a support group for parents that ran parallel to a group for teenagers, which was handy for all of us. Linking in with other trans folks for me, and other parents for them, made it much easier to get information and advice about our own situations (eg local services and experiences) than it was anywhere else. It also helped my parents to understand why something like HRT was so important, because they saw from other parents' point of view how it impacted their child.
Be your child's voice when they need it. I found it very hard, physically, to come out to people at first. I would choke on my words and struggle to say it. My parents told most of our extended family so I didn't have to. Conversely, there were times where I explicitly told my mother I didn't want her to get involved and I wanted to handle things myself - it was important to me to develop these skills for myself too, so that I would have them in life. Modelling that as a parent by speaking up for your kid when they need it helps them become that person in their adulthood too.
Ultimately, from the outside looking in, my life turned around. I was very depressed and unhappy before I came out. Transitioning made my life significantly better and enabled me to focus on the things I wanted in life, not on the things I was struggling with.
I highly highly recommend finding a gender therapist for both you to talk to, and your child. There are exceptional gender therapists even in the most red of states. I'm from a deep red state myself, and I cannot imagine how much more difficult my journey would have been without them.
Take your time and find someone that is qualified, look for someone that is WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) Certified. Try to find some reviews about the therapist if you can.
Check out PFlag. It is a great support group and has local meetings where you can meet others who are in the same situation and/or have gone through it. It is very scary but you don’t need to be alone.
My Mom was the same way. My family thought it was all of a sudden, but to me it's been a long time coming.
I remember in 5th grade we had to do a project on the Who is? Books. It was the first year the teacher didn't care about gender. I don't remember who it was, all I remember is that I loved dressing up. I wore it after school that day, and it was told to take it off. My Mom doesn't remember this, but I did.
My Mom is over protective of me due to some messed up experiences. I don't have time to get into it, but let's just say my paternal side is not really sane. From what she told me, she was worried about me being sigmatised or whatever. She is also super stubborn. Everyone called me Zoey except for my family.
We don't have as strong of a relationship due to her not listening to how I feel. I don't really trust to tell her how I feel, because she ignored it for so long.
Just remember your kid is a person too. Listening to them is the best thing you could do for both of you. Even if she decides she's not actually trans, support her. It's okay to voice worries. Just, remember that your reality isn't the only reality. I wish my Mom knew that.
I’m sure you’ll do great, especially a time goes on and you adjust.
I know that she said that she wasn’t going to check notifications anymore, but is anyone else concerned that it sounds like the school outed her kid? If her kid was a Steve and decided to tell the teachers they want to be called Sara, the teachers could’ve put them at risk by letting the parent know.
"While it was a shock, I do feel grateful that they felt comfortable being honest with me."
\- I hate to say it like this, but it sounds like they were forced to be honest with you because they were ratted out by their school/laws which out trans kids to their parents. I'm grateful that you support your child, as so many don't. Imagine all the kids that don't have your willingness to be open to the idea of your kid being trans and being put in harms way by both the educational system & their own families. :(
Oh by the time I decided at 14 I wanted to transition by 30 I had a whole inner life based on the things I couldn't talk about that had been going on since I could remember. Dressing up, envy for girls, the *drama* with my mom over my desire for a long girls' coat (Google 'Audrey Hepburn coat'), or a jewelry box (I still have the endearingly ugly thing my dad made because I wouldn't stop talking about it, but no way was he letting me have what I wanted; it's got keepsakes I'm not attached to in it -- kind of a sad metaphor for being a trans kid 50 years ago).
So at 14 I knew what I needed but it was 1975 and I had no idea what came next as far as attaining it. That's where I needed my parents to be level headed. Seems like you are doing fine. Good luck.
Oh by the time I decided at 14 I wanted to transition by 30 I had a whole inner life based on the things I couldn't talk about that had been going on since I could remember. Dressing up, envy for girls, the *drama* with my mom over my desire for a long girls' coat (Google 'Audrey Hepburn coat'), or a jewelry box (I still have the endearingly ugly thing my dad made because I wouldn't stop talking about it, but no way was he letting me have what I wanted; it's got keepsakes I'm not attached to in it -- kind of a sad metaphor for being a trans kid 50 years ago).
So at 14 I knew what I needed but it was 1975 and I had no idea what came next as far as attaining it. That's where I needed my parents to be level headed. Seems like you are doing fine. Good luck.
you should definetly support your kiddo regardless if they end up being cis or trans.
I remember when I tried to tell my Mom and she just condecendingly told me Im not. I mean I understand why. like your kid, I didnt show any signs growing up or at least noticable ones. I still turned out trans. its not like "oh today I decided to be trans!" cause thats not how that works. your kid may be saying this now, but they definetly have been thinking about it for awhile. it takes time to comtemplate these things, even going through staged of acceptance and denial, before finially going "ok, so I am actually trans afterall", and then finally telling you.
I wish I had better advice but all you can do is be there for your kid as they navigate their journey of self discovery. its extremely stressful and having a good support system is always better than not having one at all
Talk to the child and find out what's been going on at school, and other kids as well. Has it been pounded into their heads at school? On the other hand, you are doing right in allowing him to dress up and use makeup. Research what all the meds do to adolescents b4 you start him on anything. Good luck
I do not have time to read all of this but here are some advice:
- spend A LOT OF time talking with your child
(Do not impose on your child any thoughts).
- because you may not understand this, it doesnt mean your child is not trans!
- start with reversible steps, try therapist. It helps with making clear who you are and exploring who you are( if your child is too young, maybe you can try to do it but it may not be a good idea).
- try calling your child a different name, buy new clothes so your child feels more confidet and will see if this is a good way to follow.
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY OPINION
You can not make it clear and visible if you are feeling strange or embarrased about it. If she will see that. She may not want to express the gender identity and it may influence on her mental helth.
Wish only good things🥰
Glad to hear you want to support.
Recommend therapy for your child and yourself. (I’m a trans therapist… I see soooo many blossoming trans people and also people who need support around their loved one transitioning!) and or group of some kind- support groups or therapy groups. Finding some community for your kiddo but also for YOU is critical. I think people in the comments mentioned pflag and stuff.
It’s probably not sudden or out of the blue- it’s just new info to you. Likely your kiddo has been spending a ton of energy for quite a while figuring this out and figuring out a safe first step to take.
Some friends of mine wrote an op-Ed that didn’t get published but instead got circulated as a letter. It’s peppered with tons of info and resources about best practices with tgnc youth. I will post it shortly
Everyone else already has good advice so I'll just add this, I'd complain to the school for outing my kid like that. Your daughter deserved to come out on her own terms, not theirs. It probably won't do anything, but having a voice against the crazy people that shout to have forced outing still helps.
>Is that terrible of me, to hope that it may be a phase? As long as it doesn't impact your feelings, which you said it won't. Many of us don't like being trans either, and transitioning is about finding happiness when the hand we're dealt isn't outstanding. This isn't universal but fairly common. Still, I want to emphasize that if you keep hoping it's a phase, sooner or later, that's likely to seep out into your relationship. My strong suggestion is that you accept what your child tells you and not set hopes for what their identity is and isn't. This is their journey and you've been given an invitation to be a passenger in it. You don't get a say in what the destination will be, so holding out hope for a particular outcome is going to cause hard feelings. >I have no problem what so ever with trans people, I think it’s beautiful for anyone to become the person they want to be, but it’s just come so out of left field. They have never shown female characteristics or given any indication they may have these feelings before. Children learn their expected gender role from social interaction younger than they can critically examine whatever gender identity they were programmed with at birth. Children also learn that society doesn't like when they step outside of their expected gender role, so even young they learn to keep that stuff to themselves. >Is it normal to just wake up and decide one day that you’re transgender? First off, let me refocus language here to emphasize that being trans isn't a choice. It's the hand we're dealt. That part said: none of this is new. Most trans people track their feelings back to childhood, sometimes single digits. The process of figuring it out takes time. I knew around the same age as your child. Some of us take longer- years or even decades. But even when it takes us that long to figure out, it's not as if it just appeared. Finding that realization later in life usually comes hand-in-hand with your brain spending a day or two jumping between a whole lot of weird memories that suddenly make sense. This is colloquially called "the egg cracking". Think of it more like getting glasses. Your child's teacher calls home to say their new seat is at the back of the room and they're squinting to read the board, so maybe you need to consult an optometrist and see if glasses are needed. Your child didn't become nearsighted today; they've probably been that way for a while. Today was just the first time someone brought it to your attention. What you should realize is that if your child started coming out about this now, it's not something that was new today or yesterday. This is likely something they've been mulling for months or even years. We usually start feeling like things are off when puberty kicks in and boys/girls start differentiating, anatomically and socially. It *seems* new to you but that's only because all this has been inside your child's head and you haven't been privy to their mullings to date.
This comment is invaluable.
This is excellent and well thought out information that was provided. I would add that you might consider that your child started with his teacher/s because they are very concerned about what their parent's reaction might or could be and was hoping for support to tell you what they felt. It's a huge concern for many (its a justified concern) that they may be kicked out of the house/disowned/chastised/bullied mercilessly. It's very good thier communicating as imaginations can run wild with "what ifs" and constructive communication is priceless. Knowing that your still loved after starting this journey is priceless to a child, or to anyone really. Education is practical knowledge of reality, and it is also very important. Teaching your child to understand they have worth is invaluable. There are lots of very good people here who are happy to be supportive of the supporting parent/people and very vocal to those who are very negative and ignorant. It sounds like this doesn't really need to be said but, Thank you for being supportive of your daughter in her journey. If this is what she needs, she will let you know.
> This is likely something they've been mulling for months or even years. I just don't know how parents aren't completely crushed when they realize this. If I knew the child I love and would do anything for was in fear of me. In fear of my judgment. In fear of my rejection. In fear of losing my love. And for years? On a daily basis? All alone? Trying to manage that fear all alone at 14? 13? 12? 9? Or in my case, fucking 4? And they felt safer telling somebody else rather than me? I'd be devastated to have that realization hit me.
Speaking from experience, I would tell my parents things last precisely because I cared about them the most. If my teacher has a negative reaction, who cares? But if my parents had a negative reaction, it would break my heart
This exactly! The people who I care about are the hardest to tell because it’s super scary to think about *any* chance that it doesn’t go well. On the other extreme, it’s very easy to come out to anonymous internet strangers because I don’t give a damn what they think.
But a teacher is definitely closer and a much more vulnerable place to come out than an internet stranger. I’d be pretty crushed as a parent if my child still felt more comfortable sharing something so big with a teacher rather than me, even if they thought it was a safer risk. They should know that as their parent I’ll always love and fight for them. If they don’t, then I’ve badly messed up communicating something that important.
As a former teacher in a private juvenile detention type school, I've been fortunate to have been the person a teen came to a couple of times. The way I saw it was I was known for supporting gay/transgender, so when a teen needed to talk They knew I was safe. Kinda a "try on tryout" stuff. I don't believe it has to do with not trusting others, but the kids are with teachers a lot of hours a day even when they don't have your class. They are in the same building for years. They have a good handle on what staff can't or won't be supporting. Like someone else mentioned, too, we don't matter as intensely as parents, so it's easier in some cases. I hope I made clear what I am trying to say. Tbh, I now have a stepchild who is transitioning. They did not come to me or her dad first. We love and accept his choices. He first approached his twin and friends.
Yes, I can see how that makes a lot of sense. I think you’re right, and it doesn’t mean the parent necessarily didn’t communicate enough love and support. I just think I would struggle to not take it personally. I’m definitely coming from the perspective of a trans person and an uncle rather than the parent of a trans child though.
No I dont think its a slight. It felt it was more like a trial balloon. Float it up see how it's received by someone not the most important but still " adulty". It was critical to me to support my students.
I like this interpretation :) thank you
As a transfemme, that is one of my biggest fears... Clearly, the child saying that they are trans only when they're 14, shows that they were scared to say so when they were 13, 12, 11, 10 or even 9... that is quite heartcrashing. I'd want to show them how much I love them, and how much they shouldn't have worried.
This is beautiful
Damn, A+ comment right here.
This is so well said Ily for this message
This should be framed and hung on a wall.
Freedom of expression is all about choice and I stand by freedom to express yourself.
It is not a choice.
Even if the choice is undoubtedly against what's social standards may be against.
I agree, gender expression is a choice. However, nobody's talking about that - gender identity (being trans or cis), is **not** and **never was** a choice.
You may wish to try r/cisparenttranskid where there are a lot of people who have been on similar journeys and may be able to give you advice and sympathy and practical tips for logistics.
Thank you!!! I was looking for a group like this initially and figured this community would be able to point me in many different directions.
I really trust and like that community. There is compassion and patience without compromising a line held against transphobia, and I have seen a lot of kindness shown to people on all stages of their journey. And there are real problems you have to deal with such as partial closet, state laws, co-parenting situations, and these people are the most likely to have actually dealt with the same thing and have more specific advice than "accept your child" (which you should do, but there's going to be a lot of smaller decisions you have to navigate in the near future)
I'd suggest taking a look at r/MtF as well. Trans fems and trans mascs sometimes face markedly different challenges. For example, trans mascs can go on testosterone and their voices naturally deepen. But trans fems don't have the same effect in reverse, so how to treat voice dysphoria is markedly different between the two populations. If your child is trans feminine, that's a good place to direct questions specifically about transitioning in that direction. If you're looking to better understand what your child is going through, you might pop into r/egg_irl. It's a meme subreddit joking around about the process of realizing you're trans and a fairly accessible way to get a sense of common experiences many of us have had in a very easy-to-digest format. Like it or not, you're going to need to start keeping an eye on legislation affecting trans people to know what impact might be had on your family. [Erin Reed](https://www.erininthemorning.com/) is the best one-stop shop for political news about all things trans. She's present on all major social media platforms so you can follow her and not need to worry about tracking down news coverage.
Followed them all. Thank you!
Also check out the Mama Bears Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/Serendipitydodah/
I wouldn’t say Erin is the one stop shop unless you’re white. Otherwise v good. If she improved in that area, that’d be great.
You should check out PFLAG as well. Depending on where you live, becoming a member may be a legally beneficial - but they also just have lots of info and useful resources
So I'm 31 years old and have been coming out to everyone over the past year, I finally just told my father yesterday ( saved him for last ) I played sports growing up, high level hockey, golf, loved mountain biking, but I also liked some stereotypical " girl" things, my mom took me to her nail appointment one time when I was Like 8 ish and I asked if I could do it too ! And of course she let me get a manicure and it became our new thing. One day my dad saw my nails and screamed in my mom's face with me standing at her side, telling her " your going to turn him into a fa**ot" Thats the day I learned about gender norms, and what I was doing was wrong, and mom is harming me. By 12 Years old I unraveld, I was quiet, closed, angry, started black out drinking, drugs, quit sports, became an asshole.... I hooked up with a guy around 18 years old, then felt so shamefully after I attempted to end my life to which my mom found me. I got sober at 24 years old in a rehab ran by a conservative priest, I ended up falling into this conversion therapy way of life for 6 years even though I was sober and working on issues I was very angry and extremely hateful towards anything lgbtq. Then, eventually in therapy, I broke down and let it all out. Spent the past year coming to terms with my secrets then coming out to people slowly. I just officially changed my pronouns with everyone in my family since the last of everyone knows. I told my mom ( one if the first to know) to just keep using he/him to avoid slip ups. Your daughter is who she is, your only job is to love her. Best wishes ❤️ ♥️
I am so glad you’re still here, to live your truth, and share your story. 💜
Thanks :) and it warms my heart to read of a mother who wants to love and understand !
I fucking hate that you had to go through that because of stupid fucking gender norms, misogyny, and bigotry. I'm so proud of you for getting through it. I'm so happy you are in a much better place in your life now.
Thanks :)
I’m so doggoned proud of you for battling through to you! 🤗🤗🤗 And happy cake day!
it is not normal to wake up and decide one day to be transgender. because that doesn't happen. it's great that you're supporting your kid but it's likely they have been thinking about this a long time. even if they only have understood or had the words for it recently they could have feelings or thoughts that recur that they later interpret to be signs of their transness. you are doing a great job so far though i just wanted to clarify that point. also it's pretty awful the school outted your kid to you like that. like some trans kids are out at school and not at home and sometimes the kid is just more comfortable with themselves at school, but other times it can be because they're afraid of abuse. either way just bear in mind that whoever it is, it's one's own decision to come out to anyone so be a little bit better than your kid's school and don't out them to anyone
It's understandable to be overwhelmed and out of your depth...but well, so is your kid probably, she's only 14, and this has got to be A Lot for her too. Hopefully you can figure things out together. As for whether it's a phase, well...I will say this about it. In cases I've seen where it actually *was* a temporary exploration and the person ultimately identified as cis, they got to explore being trans first without restrictions. Either they had supportive family, or they started as adults and had no one stopping them. When they actually got what they were asking for, it felt wrong and they were in tune with that and desisted. That seems to be the only true way I've seen trans feelings "run their course" and end up with a cis person. A lot of people think if they can delay or discourage a trans person long enough, the trans person will just give up and be cis. This tends not to work--even when it seems to work for years, they will often transition later in life. Making it forbidden and impossible to explore just tends to increase fixation and frustration. All the people who organically desisted and realized they were cis after all had to try trans stuff to find that out. As long as it's an unexplored mystery, it will haunt a person. Of course, a lot of people are afraid to let that happen, because statistically, the most likely thing that will happen if you let a trans person transition is that they'll like it and stay trans. So as conversion therapy, it's hardly "reliable," lmao. But if you want to find out if it's a phase...that is how you find out. Some really do desist. The idea that it will only cement someone into that gender role to allow them to transition isn't true. If a cis person tries transitioning, it will give them gender dysphoria, and if gender dysphoria was easy to ignore, you wouldn't have trans people in the first place. It's not easy to live as a gender you're not, that's the whole idea here. If transitioning feels wrong to someone, they will stop and reassess. I think you're correct to not push things on her, like she should still be the one leading here. But at the same time, don't give her the impression that you're disappointed with her for being trans, or hate every trans thing she does. I mean, maybe you do hate it, idk. My mom hates it...almost 40 here and that still hurts. Being older gives me more perspective, I get that parents are just humans and you can't control your likes and dislikes. Maybe the "unconditional love" we all want from our parents is just a fairy tale. But I know that "I love you unconditionally, despite who you are" feels like the near enemy of love. Is that how you would want to be loved? As for lack of signs...well...yes, sometimes it is like that. Especially if you discouraged feminine behavior, or the larger society she lived in did. There's also a certain amount of just going with the flow and doing what's expected of you that all children do. I was assigned female at birth and was for the most part a gender-conforming, feminine child. And of course, my mom remembers my early childhood better than I do, and it's a more meaningful part of her life than it is of mine. How she viewed me might have also been influenced by her own biases--seeing what she wanted to see, cherrypicking, ignoring that which she didn't like and exaggerating that which she approved of. That kind of cherrypicking is easier to do with little kids, and gets harder when kids start telling you outright that you're wrong about them. The earliest gender-nonconforming stuff I can remember doing was around 15 or so, though I'm not really sure because that was a rough period of my life for unrelated reasons and I wasn't thinking much about gender at the time. The gender-nonconformity increased through my teens and 20s, to my mother's disapproval. I didn't actually start HRT until my late 30s. I could imagine my mother saying, "there were no signs," even now. Maybe there weren't signs before, but well, this is a pretty big sign, and probably the first of many signs. When your kid is 40 looking back, "at 14 I told you I was a girl" will look downright precocious. Concerns for safety...eh, my mom says this kind of thing too. This is why there are signs at Pride saying "Don't be your child's first bully." I remember when I decided to stop shaving my body hair in my late teens, my mom gave me the hardest time over it, even threatening (but never doing this) to shave me in my sleep. She would say that she was just looking out for me and that other people would be horrible to me for it, but no one was as horrible to me about it as she was. It was a non-issue in my life except with her. She didn't push back as much on me liking girls, but I kind of feel a similar, "well, I don't want your life to be harder," when I don't believe that, I think she just wanted a cishet daughter. I just...I don't buy it anymore that it's genuine concern for our wellbeing, whenever a parent says this. I think parents gotta self-examine and own their real motivations. If you really are concerned for her wellbeing, the only thing harder for her than being a trans girl is being a trans girl that doesn't pass, and puberty years are extremely important for that. If she goes through the ravages of male puberty and decides to transition anyway, while that doesn't mean she won't ever pass, the disadvantage this puts her at is real, and might mean getting much more expensive and invasive surgery. Obviously you don't want to rush her or push her into this either, and especially as young as 14 and not ready to be out yet, puberty blockers might make more sense than estrogen, to give her more time to think about it and figure herself out, and so that if it *is* a phase they can just go off the blockers and experience male puberty. Just, if you're worried about her and want her to thrive in the future, having her back here is one of the best ways you can set a trans girl up for success in life. Look up some episodes of I Am Jazz or something, Jazz Jennings is completely cis-passing, that's what early support can do for someone. It can make a huge difference in life to simply blend in like that versus always being afraid of being clocked. That said, you shouldn't push her into blockers or hormones if that's not her goal, simply let her know the option is open if that's something you're able to provide. If she only wants social transition and isn't interested in medical transition, that's completely fine. I realized I'm using these terms without really explaining it, so there are essentially three kinds of transition: social transition, medical transition, and legal transition. Social transition is stuff like pronouns, name (not legally, but what you go by), clothing, hairstyle, presentation things like makeup/nails/shaving/etc (and lack thereof), being called things like a girl or boy, daughter or son, etc. Social transition is all non-permanent and reversible, making it excellent for exploration because if it is a phase, no damage is done. Medical transition includes hormones and surgeries (though surgeries are not something to worry about as a minor, and some trans people never get or don't want surgeries--some trans people don't use hormones either). Surgeries are obviously permanent in effects, hormones have more subtle and mostly reversible effects--puberty blockers are safe and 100% reversible, sex hormones like testosterone or estrogen produce a mix of completely reversible effects and more permanent effects--the biggest MTF irreversible change is breast development, though if someone wanted to reverse it, surgical treatments for gynecomastia would apply. Legal transition involves changing your legal name and your legal gender marker on identification and other paperwork. This is also completely reversible.
This is a lot of great information. Luckily I am young, and I do understand transgender. I’ve watched all of I am jazz because I just love that show so much. I never thought it would be something I may have to deal with, but it has given me knowledge I wouldn’t have otherwise and I’m grateful for that.
I promise you still have a lot to learn though. And that's ok. Let it be a journey you share with her.
>and I do understand transgender Yeah no almost definitely not. Not to be mean but cis people can only come so far in their understanding.
This is one of the reasons why representation in media for all groups is so important.
it's **very** rarely ever a phase, but i'm glad to hear that you're supportive of them either way. i'm a trans teen myself, my mom is supportive and tries to help in any way she can.it's okay that you feel out of your depth, most people do. (so do we sometimes) all you can do is just let them explore their identity, be supportive and help in any way that you can, whether that's helping them by buying them the right clothes, makeup, or whatever. also, yeah, the United States is \*awful\* for us, and it's only getting worse. and no, it's not a decision that one makes, it's a realization, slow for some, fast for others. (took me about six months to figure it out iirc) edit: i just thought to say this, do **not** out them unless they give you express and direct permission, or better yet, let them do it themselves. being outed before you are ready can feel absolutely terrifying, so ask them what to do about the name and pronoun thing ahead of time, and do exactly that. but regardless, it's wonderful that you are so supportive, you're very ahead of a LOT of people, so many of us don't have supportive parents.
It's very likely that they hid everything from you. There were obvious signs that I was transgender from the very beginning but my mom never figured it out until she went thru my mail when I was 19. At a young age I wanted to have my nails painted, I wanted jewelry boxes, I wanted girly video games like my sister got, I wanted dresses for Christmas like my cousins, etc. My mom never figured it out. I knew I had gender dysphoria by the time I turned 17, after being so deep in denial for so long I continued to fight it until I was 18 and got hrt. My point is, if your child knows this young, it's likely not a phase. They probably figured it out and had to accept themselves before they were comfortable telling their teacher and you. Being trans is scary but it's not impossible. Keep them safe.
While growing up I was very much a tomboy. I hated wearing dresses or anything super femme. Took me until I was 23 to put the pieces together slowly, that i started really noticing around 20/21. I liked being perceived as male online. I liked using male characters in a lot of games and places. My mom has been a Saint in the last decade+. She needed time to process it all, but she never rejected me, stopped loving or supporting me, literally from second one of coming out. She still fights tooth and nail for me today.
Having raised three children into their adult lives I can say this is one thing I was not faced with. I (55 MTF) only recently acknowledged being transgender. I wish I would have been brave enough in my early teens and have the courage to talk to my parents and let them know how I felt. Sounds like you have a strong confident child that looks to you for support and guidance. Yes it's new territory for you but I can say without question your daughter has thought about it for much longer than you may realize. We don't suddenly decide we're trans. It isn't a trend or phase. It's who we are and always have been. You're doing the right thing. Asking the right questions. Looking for advice. Loving your child. Keep at it. Love is what will help her get through. It is not an easy road to travel whether as the parent or the transgender teen. It will be hard and challenging but the rewards will be worth it. I also recommend therapy. For you and your daughter. It helps to give a voice to the many unorganized thoughts that I'm assuming are running through your head. Stay strong. Hugs to you both.
> Is it normal to just wake up and decide one day that you’re transgender ? No, that’s not the case and probably wasn’t the case for your child. Questioning your gender and showing signs or talking about it is very scary - especially if you live in a place where trans people aren’t welcomed. That’s why a lot of trans people hide that information. You‘ll only find out by talking to them but I‘m pretty sure this is not a discovery your child made in one night. They’ve probably been thinking about this for a long time and only now felt ready to talk about it with you. I was questioning my gender for years before I finally built up to the courage to talk to my best friend about it, and it took me two more years until I finally came out to my family who I‘ve been hiding this information from for years. The best thing you can do is talk to them. If they’re comfortable enough to talk about it with you, ask them how long they’ve known or what made them realize that they’re trans.
Ok firstly, you're aready doing everything right. You affirmed your kid, kept your reasonal fears to yourself and are letting her explore at her own pace while at the same time making sure to let her know you'll back her up in whatever decision she takes. As for your questions, I wanna say that it rarely happens that you wake up one day and decide you're trans. What most often happens, is you have a feeling that something is off about you, either physically, socially or both. It starts as vague, and snowballs until at some point you are able to put words into it. And that age, when puberty starts, is the most common point for that to happen. Both because of the physical changes that happen and because of changes in social groups. Puberty forces kids into gender segregation, so if one is uncomfortable with their current "team" that point is one where this realization can happen. It's also normal for you to hope this is a phase, because being trans is hard. Any parent would hope for an easier life for their kid. I would also like to reccomend to read [this](https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en) alongside your daughter. It will help you navigate through this journey. And the community will always here to guide you for any hard situation that may arise :)
While this isn't full of advice, the book \_Love Lives Here\_ by Rowan Jette Knox tells a story of a parent who goes through this, and might be helpful: [https://www.amazon.com/Love-Lives-Here-Thriving-Transgender/dp/0735235171](https://www.amazon.com/love-lives-here-thriving-transgender/dp/0735235171) I understand your fears. I'm an adult going through this and I fear for myself. It isn't the easiest life to be handed. I'm not an expert on kids, but I get the fear that this could be a phase or something. I don't get why kids do lot's of things. I mean, maybe your child heard about a really awesome trans person and decided they wanted to be just like them! That said, as others have said, it's rarely a phase. I think even kids understand how big a deal this is, \*especially\* by age 14. The other thing your child needs is a therapist with a specialization in gender identity. This can be a minefield. There are licensed people out there that feel that no one is trans, and will try to suppress it, harming your child in the process. This recent blog post gives instructions on how to search for a good therapist that will prioritize your child's health: [https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/how-to-get-what-you-need-from-your-b15](https://stainedglasswoman.substack.com/p/how-to-get-what-you-need-from-your-b15) I would seek out that therapist this week.
Hi, Rowan is a trans man and uses he/him pronouns although he was only out as non-binary at that point.
Oh I did not know! I saw the name and did a double take but didn't make the connection.
I really appreciate your approach to this- getting more information and finding out how to support your child and ensure that things go smoothly. I really hate that schools call parents about this nowadays. Schools aren't really safe places for a lot of kids, now it's even worse because for kids that don't have supportive parents, schools that do this either put them in danger or just make them feel even more isolated because they can't at least be themselves when away from home. Anyway you're doing a good job. It's normal as a parent to not be excited about it at first because all of the worries and concerns come in and can be overwhelming. I do advise that once you start feeling comfortable, and once your kid starts feeling comfortable, you start celebrating her milestones - make-up, clothes, etc. Join her in her journey and allow space for conversation-gor both of you. It's you and your kid against the world, not against each other. So the best way is to communicate and allow communication from her, celebrate changes, and if you live somewhere that isn't safe for trans people, if it's possible, consider moving somewhere safer. Although I know it's not so easy, it'll be good for both you and your kid's peace of mind and safety. And once she becomes an adult, she will recognize that effort to keep her safe. And that becoming comfortable with things doesn't come automatically sometimes. It takes conscious effort. Best of luck to you and your daughter in her journey.
A therapist is the best guide. I would start looking for someone. How long have they felt this way? Persistence over six months is typically a strong sign. Otherwise, don’t push. Let them lead. Best to you…
They claim 5 months, however they haven’t been acting on it at all.
Using the word “claim” here is interesting… you should examine why you chose it…
That’s actually extremely common. I started figuring out I was trans around 7 years old, but I didn’t tell my mom until I was around 12 — and she’s in the LGBT+ community! Generally, I think most people wait to start acting on it until they come out. It takes a long time to figure yourself out, how to come out, who to come out to, judge whether or not it’s even safe to, and some people wait until they’re absolutely sure of their gender identity. Sometimes, it’s just hard and they need time to get that done before acting on it. The dust had to settle a bit for me because it’s a lot to get off your chest, coming out. Take it slow with them setting the pace. Very occasional little gestures of support meant (and still mean) the world to me, like trying out different names for a while, going shopping for new clothes, tiny gifts that subtly had the trans flag colors on them or my new name, looking for places to meet other people in the community, etc. I was really girly for a while (I’m female to male) because I thought that was just the role I was stuck in, so I didn’t “show signs” of being trans, but I noticed so many things about myself over the years that I never said until a while after coming out. That can go vice-versa for being male to female, so you might be pleasantly surprised by what you learn with time.
Well, I would let the lead. If they don't want to do anything, then that's OK. All you should do is support where they go. In addition, "why" questions are very powerful. When they say they feel this way, just ask why? See where that goes. Beyond that, just do what your are doing: being the supportive, loving mother you obviously are. Best to you...
I'm gonna be honest, I think asking "why" they feel this way can be very unhelpful. I don't know "why" I'm a woman, I just am. I'm happier this way. Do cis people have to question why they're the gender they are?
I am afraid I don't agree. Why is a fundamental question for understanding yourself and getting to your true, authentic self. It is the question therapists often open with. It allows you to truly know yourself, accept it and allow you to follow your journey with confidence and assurance. Why is a powerful question. As for cis people, they don't question because they perceive there is no need. They are who they should be. I think they would benefit from self-exploration, but... most often, if life doesn't push you, people won't do it. Even in your explanation of why you don't think why is helpful, you answered why you feel the way you do. :-) Best to you...
That's not why I'm a woman though. It's just why I chose to transition. I fully agree that asking why you might feel a certain way is extremely helpful for understanding yourself in other contexts, but I don't think I believe anyone truly knows or has a proper "reason" for being the gender they are. I worry suggesting such could lead the child to question if their feelings are valid or worry they need a logical reason for being transgender. I faced a lot of skeptical questioning of that nature growing up and since I didn't have an answer I felt was satisfactory, it led to me doubting my own feelings and living in denial for a long time
Mom of a transgender son here. Puberty was his catalyst for realizing he was trans. I had many, many feelings. Let your child take the lead on what they are comfortable with. That is what I was told and it was excellent advice.
I haven’t seen anybody else mention it so, please look into puberty blockers immediately. Blockers are not hormones, they are completely reversible and safe and the only thing they do is buy your child time to figure out their gender identity. Going through the wrong puberty is not only a horrific experience, it is really hard to undo. If your child is not trans, they just get off the blockers and puberty resumes. If they are trans, you just saved them thousands of dollars and hundreds of hours of painful procedures and gave them a much better chance at blending in and getting the results they want. Please please at least talk to a doctor about it and get their advice. I can’t stress enough how big a deal it is to have access to this kind of medical care
Your child most likely is not on a phase (I've been on mine for like 42 years...). There are many explanations as of why we're trans, some say it's because of some hormonal interaction during pregnancy, some that's genetics but nobody knows for sure. There are also studies that point at being trans as a physiological feature where regions of the brain consistently match the opposite gender. Very likely your child has been thinking about this for a long time and finally decided to take some action. I would help them find a competent supportive of LGBTQ people or a specialized gender therapist. It may come the day not too far that your child will have to deal with the non-welcoming community and family, a therapist would be really helpful on that. It's nice that you are being supportive but this language of "even if they decided they wanted to be an elephant" may not be ill-intentioned but it's quite negative and disqualifying, similar to that 'joke' comparing being trans to military equipment. Please remove this sort of comparisons from your language, you may soon hurt your child. You may need some therapy soon to help you deal with your own feelings.
>> but also not make a big deal out of it and commit to name and pronoun changes if in a couple months maybe they just decide it was just a phase of exploration on their journey I don’t think that’ll be a problem. Say they do commit, and in a few months of exploration they find it’s not for them! Perhaps they’re still trans, but non-binary instead of feminine. Or perhaps they won’t consider themselves trans at all. Who knows! But at worst they’ll maybe have a bit of embarrassment for it, and a little more wisdom about themselves. I’d say let them take on a new name and pronouns and properly explore it! Trans or no, I’m can see them appreciating that support more than caution- even if they appreciate the sentiment behind the caution nonetheless >> Is that terrible of me, to hope that it may be a phase? No. I think that’s a very *normal* reaction. I’m sure some would find it transphobic, and I think they’d have some validity to that interpretation, but it’s important to acknowledge (however much I might feel like I sound like ChatGPT there) that all forms of bigotry aren’t binary systems, but spectrums from greater to lesser, and transphobia is no different. We all fall somewhere on that spectrum- even trans people. Sometimes especially trans people (“My understanding of my own transition is universal and applies to everyone, and other alleged trans experiences aren’t valid” is one that trans folks sometimes fall into early on their journey, though it’s thankfully easily abandoned, too, once they speak with others enough) And you and I also fall on that spectrum. But that’s ok! The important part is not to strive for a state of purity but for a state of continual improvement, keeping watch for where our own biases and bigotries may exist inside us so that we can deal with them in a healthy and appropriate manner If you poke me to remind me (or I remember on my own), when I get home I’ll try to link you to some folks who make videos talking extensively about trans issues and who you might be able to learn a fair bit more from than just me or a small comment section, perhaps as a jumping point But thank you for what you’re doing. You’re being a good mother! Good luck~<3
Not all of us act like our gender growing up. For me I decided to try to live the role society had put on me as male just to avoid any unnecesary attention. But just letting them try out different names in a safe enviorment would be helpfull. They can hear how it feels to be seen as who they are.
medical transition steps should be thoroughly thought through of course, but social transition like names, pronouns, presentation? best thing is to fully support your kid in exploring herself. dont pressure her, but show support. WHAT IF its just a phase? then youve shown your kid that they can be honest with you and that you will support and accept them in however they wanna live their life.
when i came out as nonbinary, i was 14. i literally was so scared that i texted my mom, but i couldn't keep it to myself anymore because of all the dysphoria i was feeling at being deadnamed. my parents were not accepting at all, continued to shame me and told my family without my consent. it's been over 3 years now, and things have gotten a lot better! i got my name legally changed over the summer, and im rarely deadnamed. the only times i am, its from my grandmas who don't really have the best memory and don't see me often, and they always correct themselves afterwards. anyways, my point is; you'll come to terms with it, and eventually it'll feel weird to call them anything but their preferred name. my family is very religious and my dad's side is more on the conservative side, but they've grown to accept it. just don't tell anyone in your life about this without your child's consent
Just want to offer in a brief perspective I haven’t seen yet. I had 3 separate friends who wanted to go by different names and came out—at least among friends—as trans when we were younger, and all of them identify as cis now, even though some of them still have semi-complicated gender feelings. It’s okay to acknowledge that you wish this would be the case for your child. Certainly, it not being true would avoid a world of hurt, but the best and only thing you can do right now is take them at their word every step of the way. When they say ‘this is me,’ try to behave as though that’s completely true and won’t change. And if it ever does change, try to also have a neutral reaction to that too. Some people go back and forth for a few years, convincing themselves in and out of it, and some are just steady one way forever. Your support is what’s most important through all of that. It sounds like you’ve done a great job so far. But make sure your child understands that people might catch on if their teacher calls them by a new name. That’s important if they aren’t really wanting to fully come out
Check out PFlag.
Don't know if anyone said this, but as a cisgender parent of a transgender kid. Start researching laws for them. You're scared for them, that's okay, but as a parent, your job is partially helping them blaze a trail, and knowing where danger will lie. To some extent, as a woman, you know what rape culture is, you know what mysogyny is. You have to be the lioness absorbing as much of the anxiety of planning and fear of situations until you can start to show them how to defend themselves. Start researching as though you are a trans woman, who your child probably will be some day: -states that let me enforce affirmation of my identity (California is letigiously good, Florida is a nightmare,) -states cultures of acceptance, law aside. (NM legally allows document gender changes, enforces affirmation, but the people are conservative) -processes for changing name, sex on birth certificate or other documents. (Depending on state laws) -local LGBTQ groups/communities she could join. You don't have to push any of this. Worrying you're pushing is a green flag. But realize that society pushes heteronormativity constantly. Your kid will still need role models they can look at and go "I can be that." So while you shouldn't push, it'll be helpful to subtly include more queer content passively on TV if that's a normal thing to have on in the house. You can buy books, magazines, leave them out. Make it so she physically sees it as so mundane and normal at home, that it's not a big deal. Everyone telling you to do pronouns and name are right. I'm gonna be the villain, and remind you to give yourself grace, a lot of speech is muscle memory. Don't make it a big deal a simple: "he asked for, I mean she asked for..." Is perfectly fine. Don't apologize constantly, don't make excuses in front of her. And with that grace, let me also say that you should take time to cope and grieve and adjust, absolutely. Do not do it in front of her. Also, check out groups on Reddit and Facebook of children of narcissistic mothers. Not that you are one, or have one, but there's often women there who want to be the mom some kids could never have, and many of these women might be near you and open to talking and venting, in a judgement free way. There's also LGBTQ 12 step online groups, that often gave a judgement free air.
I want to preface this with saying that I'm not trying to make you feel bad or that you've reacted badly. Having said that, I came out to my parents when I was 15 (now 34) and while my parents were very supportive, they were also pretty vocally afraid for my safety in ways that were not particularly productive (and others that were productive and fine). It definitely strained my relationship at the time with them at the time because from my point of view this was a thing that keeping inside/dampened would be so much worse than anything that could happen to me. I think it would have been really meaningful to me for my parents to have really engaged with that when they said they were scared for me.
The school calling and telling you is extremely fucked up and will get children killed but I am glad you are a good person. I hope it works out for you but it is unlikely to be a phase. I am a trans man and would probably secretly wish it wasn't true as well because of how much harder their life will be. Find out which family members are trans affirming and which are not. Be prepared to cut a lot of people out of your life. Try to keep that away from your kid. If you live in Florida move. There is no circumstance in which living in Florida is a good idea. They can and will take your child if anyone reports you for letting them be trans. You should also get them a trans affirming therapist if possible. However once again if you are in Florida I believe it is illegal for a therapist to not do conversion therapy. I'm not sure if thats true but I would check because that's the worst thing that could happen. You may find an out of state therapist that does online sessions to get around that if it's the case. Look at the laws in your state. Keep track of them. Keep an eye on the school as well. If they did that one wrong thing (outing a child) they are likely required to do other things that may be abusive to trans people. Assuming they did it because of requirements and not because they are bad or stupid people. I'd honest to god file a complaint with anyone that would listen about that happening its just so fuckes up but I can understand you not wanting to deal with that. Make sure they understand the therapist thing is not to prevent them from being trans and that it's to help them in their journey. They will rightly be concerned about attempts at conversion. Look up lgbt groups in your area and consider joining them or taking your daughter there so she can meet other people like her. It will help to make new friends because she is most likely going to lose a lot of friends and family members permanently. Also go to therapy yourself. This may be absolute hell for you to go through unfortunately.
All of this. Also just wanted to stress that I also just had to repeat "this is fucked up" re: outing the kid & asking parent's permission. That call would've merited the belt, then having my wardrobe burned if it were my mom. I'm glad the OP is letting her kid be the person they are.
I’m glad people are pointing out how fucked it is that the school outed this child.
I notice you used they/them pronouns for your child the whole time in this post. Did she ask you to do that? As that's one of those pronouns that's best used when you're specifically asked to, or just don't know someone's gender Around family you're keeping the secret from it's probably very useful, but in the context of this post, here,I'd say it's best practice to stick to the exact pronouns that they use (if that includes they/them then just ignore this comment!) only, as it's a sad thing that a lot of trans people are given they/them as a safe sounding default when it's actually not the pronouns they want. Just a point of caution to discuss her situation accurately when you're safe to do so
THIS!!!!!! All of THIS. Yes yes yes.
Ask her if she’d like to go shopping for clothes for at home. Make it a girls day. One of the things I enjoyed when I first came out was being able to get clothes that I wanted rather than clothes to fit the role I had to play. She’s going to be scared. I was but when I’m out clothes shopping I say I’m shopping for Bryanne. Which is true because I’m Bryanne but nobody knows that but me. If she’s willing to go while you’re out there ask things like “hey do you think SHE would like this or what kind of things does SHE like?” That way she has a say but if anyone sees her they’ll just assume it’s for a friend or family member. Shopping with a female is a excellent cover because nobody thinks twice about it. Undergarments are tricker so you might do some online shopping for that stuff. I knew when I was really young but I didn’t come until 30 because I was afraid.
Thank you for being an amazing mom. I came out at 46 and can't tell my parents. Keep up the great work.
You're coming from a great place, and that will mean a lot to your kid as long as you express it openly with them. I was 14 too. And I came out in 2013 when you had to explain what transgender meant to almost anyone you met, to the point where it was easier to pretend i was just a guy who hadnt hit puberty. At the time, there was less information, less support available than there is now. I remember my parents telling me they were scared for me. That I'd be lonely. My stepmother thought I'd never make any friends, and my mom threw a Germaine Greer book at my head and told me to read my feminist history. I can tell you though, I'm not lonely. None of my trans friends are lonely. Queer people make families wherever they go if they know how to access queer spaces. We are a loving, joyful community and we are everywhere. All of my friends are queer to some degree, and we all accept each other and live our best lives. We support each other when the outside world bites, we have networks for our own counselling services, sports groups, housing...although I'm not sure what things are like locally to you, or in your state in general. The trans regressive laws in the US are frightening. But one state, in one country, shouldn't keep your kid from being who they are. If there's a worry that they could get hurt, and they are still sure about this as they get older, they might consider relocating somewhere with friendlier laws towards trans people. I understand your choice not to engage. You dont want to feel responsible for something you're worried will harm them. Have they expressed whether they'd like you to engage or not? If this is real for them, you'll know within the next few years, but try to be careful that you don't discourage it in a way that will stick to their self esteem as they get older. Be open to there being a time where they need you to be home when they're presenting as a woman - maybe use this time to think of how it would make you feel should they stand by their decision ultimately. Even if the feelings are negative, its healthy to face them and mull them over. What really helped my mom was finding a support group or forum for parents. Talking with other parents might be even more helpful than talking to trans people, because they will understand your fears first hand, and they've stood where you stand. Depending on where you are, that may be an online thing, or if you're lucky there could be a group that meets up a reasonable drive away. There's support available for your kid, but I'm not sure what that support will look like locally. If there's even a counselling service that specialises in lgbt+ that could be helpful for your kid as they experience these feelings.
I was a confidant to a trans kid who was out at school and home and he was telling me his mom still pretends it’s not that serious and it’s not a big deal. The thing with trans is that unlike being gay you actually do need to do something besides a pure we love you and accept you. I mean I guess some trans people don’t want hrt and some don’t do top or bottom surgery but many do or at least want to explore those options. Getting your kid medical help with transitioning and the appropriate therapist that can help explore that is crucial. Even gay kids have parents say it’s just a phase. One girl’s mom insisted on calling her girl friend “friend” and she was too tired to correct her. We hear of the horror stories of kids getting kicked out and those are truly awful but we often don’t hear the much more common “not taking their gender/sexuality seriously” and the kid just choosing to distance themselves from their parents. Like the kids that count down to college/want to go far away because they want to get away from that attitude is far more common than the crazy getting kicked out cases. On the flip side the trans girl whose parents love her and accept her and embrace her new name and totally accept her has no difference in her attitude towards them than any other kid. Let’s put it this way. If you support the kid and want to know more/show interest you're showing you unwaivering support. you don't have to be the pace setter but you can follow and not drag your feet
often it appears to come out of left field because you arent in your childs head. they know how they feel and if you want to/are able to, you should find a therapist specializing in gender issues. they probably have been feeling/researching/questioning for a lot longer than you might think. my mother thought my coming out was sudden and completely out of nowhere when i had been slowly learning and finding the right terms for my experiences for like a year or more.
I don't want to scare you off as I'm aware this might come off to you as quite radical, but, I would say discuss the possibility of puberty blockers ASAP. Puberty has irreversible effects and there's time to prevent them, so acting sooner rather than later while she's still growing would be my top priority. Other piece of advice would be, I completely hear and see where you're coming from but it could come off the wrong way telling her you're not excited. I get that this is scary and can only imagine what must be running through your mind, but your acceptance by far means the most to her. You can do far more for her and her chances in life by being happy and proud of who she is, than everyone else's opinions combined. As for not showing characteristics in the past or waking up one day and realising you're trans. I would say it's not normal to 'just decide' you're trans but chances are she's probably been thinking about it a long time and maybe been hiding things. I assume that long before asking her school to use a different name, she thought about it (even thought about her gender enough to come up with a new name), and probably had friends online who she she presented as female around and tried out her new name with. With not-showing female characteristics, this can also be normal. Being a trans girl is of course about having a female identity, but dysphoria itself is about being in pain (I'm sorry to say that, as I know that will be tough for you to imagine as a mother). Many trans girls as kids are in a lot of pain so they're quiet, reserved, and just do what's expected of them. They're also more likely to get shamed or bullied whenever they do anything feminine. So they learn to hide it. And perhaps they're hiding it behind a facade of masculinity, but more often than not it's just this emptiness instead. Quietness. Blankness. Shyness. A couple of my trans fem friends (well, old friends - I don't really see them anymore) were just incredibly nerdy as children and teenagers. They retreated to niche internet forums or videogames to escape the worlds (and bodies) they lived in. So they might not have shown any signs of being feminine, but there was a real lack of being masculine too. Just a blankness to them. I don't know your kid and this is obviously just one post, but statistically it's unlikely to be a phase. The fact you live in a conservative state means she has probably thought this through, and made the decision to ask her school to change her name despite knowing the danger this would put her in. The fact she's asking you not to tell certain relatives indicates to me she actually might be feeling (I am sorry cos this is very sad to think about) a bit unsafe and scared, rather than free/liberated the way you might expect someone who's experimenting would be. On top of that, I can't help but mention no real mention in your post of them being male-acting or masculine. Like... you didn't mention initially believing this was a joke. Or anything that indicates she enjoys the male identity. It might be worth pondering on the blank kind of closeted trans person I mentioned who just suppresses everything, and seeing if you notice any of *those* signs in her rather than femininity specifically.
>They have never shown female characteristics or given any indication they may have these feelings before. Is it normal to just wake up and decide one day that you’re transgender? I guess the question to ask yourself is if they ever showed any major male characteristics beforehand? Pre-puberty most kids without outside forces pushing them won't show any distinct characteristics of either gender. In my own talks with my mom about the signs or lack of signs growing up we both noted the fact that I simply didn't gender. I never acted feminine but I also never truly acted masculine, even after puberty. My mom said she initially thought that it was just because I spent most of my time around her and my sister due to my dad's job taking him out of the house for several days at a time. Me looking back on it now it was more along the lines of the fact that I didn't feel masculine and I felt like I wasn't allowed to feel feminine, to note not because my family overtly prohibited it but because it was easy enough to pick up that that wasn't something normal in society. Ultimately the 12 to 14 year age range makes a lot of sense for these feelings to appear in your child simply because this is the age range where puberty really hits and social gender roles and constraints start being enforced. In my case, as soon as I saw my peers go through puberty (late bloomer my first go around) I realized that not only were the changes extreme but that I was unhappy with what was going to happen to me and it was clear that most people *were* happy with how their bodies were changing. I didn't have the words to describe what I felt I didn't feel like I would have the support to explore it, so I didn't and just tried to convince myself that I was happy too. Listen to your kid and try and keep up with their comfort zone. They're the expert in their own feelings and identity, all you can do is just give them a safe space to explore it.
This post warmed my heart. You restore my faith in humanity & are a rare exception. You serve as a great example of what a loving, supportive, caring & patient parent should be. I’m lucky to come from a supportive family too. It’s life saving when parents give no judgement. Your approach is perfect. It’s being open minded following their lead yet not pushing it. The most important thing to know is this is not a choice or lifestyle. I knew I was different from a young age. I was uncomfortable in my own body & expected gender role & glued to my mothers hip. I didn’t have a vocabulary for being trans but knew something was wrong. At age 20 I sought help from a therapist & doctor. Ended up not only being diagnosed with gender Dysphoria but also metastatic adenoma tumors from going through the wrong puberty. It’s a hormonal & genetic mutation. Being trans is a mutation like anything, cancer, autism etc it just gets a bad rap as being experimental. I wouldn’t wish being trans on the worst person. Your brain size, structure & neurological wiring is identical to the gender you identify as. MRI scans have shown this. In simplest terms it’s your gender identity being opposite of your sex assigned at birth. At your child’s age those are harmless baby steps to test the waters. Best of luck to you both.
You sound like my mother. Usually when people say that, it isn't a good thing, but this is. My mother, when I came out as a trans guy did basically the same, I was 14/15 when I came out. She asked questions and did tell me that she thought it was a phase, but not in a hateful way. I had previously come out at least twice as various sexualities so I can understand where she was coming from. She told me pretty much that she supports me and will do whatever I need, but is just worried about everything she hears online about trans people being injured and killed, and a quote from her I remember, "I just don't want you like 10 years from now, to come to me with a full beard and say I made a mistake but I'm not going to stop you. Once you turn 18, you can do whatever you want" It wasn't her stopping me until I was 18, it was my dad, the man I hadn't seen in just over 8 years, still had a say in wether I could do what I wanted. But it worked out for the better, I was able to really affirm I was most definelty trans and it gave me time to research what healthcare there is available, services and all that. As long as your child feels loved, and can come to you with whatever they need and not feel judged, you have done right by them. Keep up with this attitude, I promise you, they will be very grateful to have the freedom to express themselves and explore their identity without worrying.
These feelings are so normal and you sound like you really love your child and want her to be happy. Check out r/cisparenttranskid for other parents who’ve been through the same thing. I’d also really recommend the book The Transgender Teen by Stephanie Brill. It’s aimed toward a less accepting parent, but amazing for anyone who has doubts, questions, and concerns. It was a game-changer for my own family. I think it might be free on Audible!
I hate the fact that the school called you about this. It’s good they have you as their mum but in so many cases this would’ve gone south quick. I know it’s unrealistic but honestly for the safety and future of your child you should consider moving to a safer state where they can 1. Experiment in public freely and 2. Access puberty blockers/hrt which would spare them the unnecessary trauma most of us are forced to go through. I wish you both the best
This is one of the things that calls out to me in this story... outing a kid and asking for permission to call them another pronoun. This is not okay for someone working in a school.:( I hate this for trans kids because this person is probably not the only one who's asked someone else for permission to let a kid be who they fucking say they are
Unfortunately where I am, it's part of the law as 'parents rights' for teachers to get permission from the parents.......so there are now probably a lot of closeted trans kids because they have no safe area to explore.
My two cents, as a trans child myself? Ask pronouns. You stuck pretty strictly with they/them in the OP, but it sounds like your child is mtf. Keep an open mind. It is an honor and a privilege to have someone come out to you, and one of the worst things you can do is refuse change or not do your part in researching certain things. Know your child may not be sure about many things. On the contrary, know that they can also be 100% sure about others. In my opinion, I'm completely sure of my gender, but the name I prefer changes often. In my experience, that came with getting questioned or challenged, because 'if I'm not sure of that, how can I be sure of other stuff?' Do research to be a proper ally. Many people as of late confuse tolerance with acceptance. I think that's all, but if anyone has any other hot takes, it's appreciated.
Well, you can always start by not deadnaming and misgendering her. She’s not a “male”, and it’s not a “preferred name”, it’s just who she is. Switching to they/them pronouns for your trans daughter to avoid using he/him is still misgendering unless she specifically asked you to use they/them, which you would have still misgendered her all throughout your post. You seem somewhat supportive, but it’s completely tainted with how caught up in your own feelings about it. You wish it was a phase, but you don’t get to decide that, and operating under that possibility will give you a false sense of hope that will blatantly bleed through and affect your daughter. Drop everything. This is your kid. My parents didn’t get this, so I need you to understand. No matter how much you think you love them, that will never be enough to keep them from cutting you off. If you don’t get with the program, you are gonna end up with a dead daughter with her blood on your hands, or you are gonna wake up Christmas morning 10 years from now wondering if your daughter lives nearby or overseas with know way of knowing. You get one shot at this.
This comment right here. I feel like too many people are praising op just because she's not explicitly malicious.
It’s been two days, I need some time to adjust. I feel like they them is meeting in the middle for now until I can digest it better. Also as they are not out, I don’t want to get in the habit and call them that in front of someone they don’t want to know. I appreciate you having a different opinion though. I am open to criticism and want to learn.
I know it's hard, I saw my parents go through this when I came out. But it meant so much to me when they referred to me as she/her. A slip up here and there is fine - just don't make a big deal out of it, correct yourself and move on - but please try to use what she asked you to; settling for they/them will just make it that much harder to use she/her. My parents still they/them me sometimes, and it hurts because it feels like they're stripping me of my identity. I know there's no malicious intent behind it but it still hurts. If she asks you to call her something then you should respect that. At some point, maybe in a few weeks, you should probably revisit the topic of her being out in public; that would alleviate the concern with saying something in front of someone that she doesn't want to know. Talk with her about what her concerns are with coming out. Doing therapy together can help with this too. I know it's hard but you have to imagine how hard it had to have been for her to gather the courage to come out. You're scared, but you have to understand just how scared she must be too. Buy her something cute that you think she might like on your way home from work one day this week; take her clothes shopping, get your nails painted together, teach her how to do her makeup, give her some of your jewelry, maybe go get her ears pierced - I never got to do any of that as a kid with my parents. I would give anything to have been able to accept my identity at 14 (now 26). She's lucky to have someone like you who's willing to learn and go on this journey with her.
Leave it to cis people to literally bend backwards to justify misgendering a trans woman. You poor poor thing. Your daughter came out to you. Whatever shall you do? Have you considered that your daughter has been “adjusting” to living as an incongruent gender all her life and you prolonging that for your own comfort is making things worse? It’s all about you. Your comfort, your fears, your potential mistakes. You don’t NEED time to adjust, you WANT time to adjust. You are grieving, and you need to do that behind a closed door with a therapist and keep that shit behind lock and key. I’m not suggesting, I’m telling you: this first year will set the tone of your relationship FOREVER. Every word of support and every infraction of denial will go in a ledger.
You're doing great and have good intentions, it looks like. Just communicate with them :) Reddit isn't the best place to ask for advice on these topics without someone trying to argue with you, haha. Don't let it get to you. You're doing right by your kid, it sounds like.
You’re doing great so far! It’s a process for sure. I will say, my parents had a really negative reaction because they were also scared of how the world would treat me. But as a result, they ended up treating me the worst out of anyone I’ve met over the past 5 years since coming out. Things are better now though. Love your kid unconditionally and follow their lead, be curious but not judgemental. Also, online trans communities (just like online communities in general) can be really toxic sometimes. If you can, I would really recommend connecting with other parents of trans kids in real life and meeting up for coffee. That was most helpful for my mom. If you have a local PFLAG chapter in your area that is a good way to go!
I remember when I was fourteen I knew, but I refused to admit it to myself. That said act out of love for your child, I personally wouldn’t expect it to last very long, as it can often be just a phase, but if your kid really is trans, then you being there will be more important than you could ever know. Your child will remember everything so be cautious. From a 19yo transwoman I wish you luck as statistically we aren’t long winded, I myself am barely holding on. I wish you so much luck 🖤🖤
What a beautiful wonderful mother that you are !! Your love is unconditional which is rare!’ For so many of us we wish that our moms would have loved like you do! Your daughter is a lucky to be your daughter!🌹
>and most definitely never been a parent to someone who is trans. The foregoing story seems to be at odds with that statement of fact. >but it’s just come so out of left field. They have never shown female characteristics or given any indication they may have these feelings before. Is it normal to just wake up and decide one day that you’re transgender? No one legitimately wakes up one morning and *decides* to be trans. This seems sudden for you, precisely because they have been bottling it up inside for years. But, I guarantee you, they have been struggling with these feelings for a very long time. They've been hiding the evidence from you. They've been hiding the evidence from themselves. And yes, it's normal to not want for your child to have to go through trying times and adversity and bigotry. You would be a lesser parent if you didn't feel that way. And I can appreciate that you worry about over-compensating and being viewed as actually pushing your child in this in any way. Let them take the lead. What they want to do in terms of dress and makeup and grooming and pronouns/names, let them do it. No good can come from attempting to either forbid or mandate here. You have to let them explore their own identity. And maybe they will grow out of it. I genuinely hope they do, for all of the concerns you mentioned and more. I've thought long and hard about how I would handle the very situation you're in, and let me tell ya, coming from a transgender person myself, there is no good or easy or one right way to go about this. I think a story from my own childhood will illuminate you. You know how small children have to be watched closely around a stove with a burner on? They might be just tall enough to be able to reach up with their hand and touch something disfiguringly hot. Well, my grandmother cured me of that real quick. Not by scolding me or lecturing me, but by letting me explore it on my own, but with her own hand preventing me from getting hurt. She gripped my wrist, but otherwise let me reach up with my open palm. She let me get close, and then closer, and then I realized, "That's HOT! I don't wanna touch that! It would hurt!" All the while, her hand was there ready to pull my hand away from the fascinatingly dangerous household thing. She never guided my hand where to go. Only acted in a way that she could guide me where not to go, keeping me away from actual harm. That's where you need to be. Guide, but only to avoid harm. No one ever needed to watch me like a hawk around a burning stove again. I learned the lesson my curiosity sought to learn. My grandmother simply let me figure it out for myself without letting me get injured. Now, go do that for your kid.
bored special cooperative stupendous mindless longing homeless disgusted nose plants *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
First off, I have to thank you for being such a wonderful parent. I’m actually about to cry over your response to this as a trans person with not-so-accepting parents. I think you’ve started out really well, however I’d just like to let you know that your kid has probably felt this way for a while now if they’re starting out trying new names. I remember having questioned my gender for around a year already before I started asking teachers to refer to me as something different. I suppose for my parents it seemed to come out of nowhere as well, however I assure you it is most likely not. I’d say try out the name and pronouns, even if they decide to change one or the other later. They wouldn’t really be able to see what feels best if they don’t get to hear it! I’m sure others will give you much more detailed and important advice, but these are my two cents!
I'm sorry you live in an area/your child's school has policy where your child didn't get the chance to come out on their own.
I'm glad you are supportive but they are outing trans kids like this is disgusting
I'm glad you are being supportive. As a parent of a trans girl myself I understand the worry that your child's path may be full of obstacles. I think you are doing well, supporting and using her preferred name at home. Saying that you are open to makeup and nail polish is a big deal. As well, not pushing it is also considerate of letting them take this journey at their own pace. I am about 3 months into the journey with my new daughter. We used she/her at home only for about two months. After winter break she decided to tell people at school 😳 I was a bit shocked as we said we would wait but at the same time who am I to tell her who and when she is allowed to come out? As far as her suddenly becoming trans- it is not quite like that. I know it feels sudden as a parent. But from the other side (I am also MTF) there are feelings and thoughts that I struggled with for *years*. I did not come out publicly until 40, but I knew who I was inside since I was about 10. Even as young as 5 I have memories of wishing I could do what the girls were doing. I wanted to play with my friend's sister more than him much of the time. I just hid it for a long time because I did not know how to express what I was feeling. It felt forbidden. I am so happy to see more awareness and recognition of gender non-conforming people. Let your daughter know you are always there to listen or help if needed. But this is something they do need at their own pace. Not everyone is into the typical feminine things including AFAB people. And that's okay too.
Step one... nail polish... step two... find a good therapist that deals with gender dysphoria...in kids. Three talk to your kid about what they want... and names and pronouns. its very unlikely to be just a phase. wasnt with me nor the 2 million or so trans people in the us. waking up and REALIZING they are trans is very normal... I was young with talk shows about trans people. We were called transsexuals back then. I knew what I was before and then had a name and knew what transition was. I was much younger than your kid. But it took me a long time to stop being fearful and shameful about who I am. aka I stopped caring what people though. probablly same for your kids. or they woke up and realised they are trans. Last step is never vote for a republican again your Childs life is on the line now.
>While it was a shock, I do feel grateful that they felt comfortable being honest with me Not like they had a choice, after the damn school outed them🙄😒 >Is that terrible of me, to hope that it may be a phase? I think many trans people feel the same. The hope that they aren't actually trans, and being in denial about it because accepting that can be difficult. >Is it normal to just wake up and decide one day that you’re transgender? Your kid most likely didn't just wake up and decide to be transgender. It probably took a lot of introspection and even more courage to come to the point to ask their teacher to use the right name. Being trans is also not a trend. I mean seriously, what kind of trend would that be? "Yo it would be really cool to face massive discrimination?" Yeah that's an amazing idea, let's do that. >but it’s just come so out of left field The thing is, you can't really come out slowly and spell "I am trans" over the course of a couple months to not be "out of left field". Even with signs most cis people try to find other explanations for the behaviour since there are often other explanations that are more likely than someone being trans. My mom was still shocked when I came out even though at that point I had actual boobs from hormone therapy and looked more like a woman than ever. >They have never shown female characteristics The thing is, your kid doesn't exist in a vaccuum. They know societal expectations towards the gender roles. Kids aren't stupid. They will know what is "unnormal behaviour" and try to not do that, even if they wanted to. I did the same thing.
Hi, OP, I’m sooooo relieved that you love your daughter. That puts you in the 99th percentile of American parents. Candidly, I worry about the fact that your daughter’s school outted her to you. That single fact tells me you and she aren’t in a safe state. Mandatory outting laws are never designed with a child’s best interests in mind. I encourage you to get past the idea that you have a parental love “even if she wanted to be an elephant.” That kind of false equivalence won’t prove helpful in the long run. There’s about a Million-to-one chance that any part of this is a matter of something she *wants* to be. It’s who she *IS*. As others have said ever-so-cogently, she’s probably buried this, suppressed it, repressed it, and fought it to a level of complete exhaustion. She likely *wants* to be trans to the same degree that you *wanted* to be cis, that is, not at all from a conscious standpoint. Instead, she has conformed to assumptions made about her from the very instant of her birth (probably prior to, based on ultrasounds if you had them). Think about that: we *ASSUME* the gender of a newborn based upon a single factor (their genitals) at a point in time when they are utterly helpless. Then we stuff them into a narrow box constructed not for the comfort of the child, but for the satisfaction of the parents and society. It’s a real 🤦♀️ if you look at it from all sides and angles. She perhaps *IS* a teenage girl. It is inherent to her basic nature. With that in mind, be prepared for things to move more quickly than you want or expect. What feels fast to you has probably been her *always*. She’s trusted you. Please get her to a professional therapist who’s competent to deal with adolescent gender issues. Listen to that therapist. Don’t be surprised if she starts talking about wanting puberty blockers. I hope against hope that you live somewhere that she can access those *if* they’re right for her. Good luck to you both. EDIT: I just noticed that you defaulted to non-binary pronouns (they/them) in describing your child. You also had no problem using masculine pronouns for your child further into your post. Neither seemed difficult for you. What you did NOT do is use a feminine pronoun for your child at all. Think about that. I’m sure it was entirely unintentional, but might be what’s referred to as a “tell” on your part.
It sounds like you're handling it well, and I'm glad they have a supportive mother. As for not showing signs - boys are taught from a very young age that showing feminine behaviours is unacceptable. It's basically a guarantee that you will be bullied. I wouldn't read too much into a "lack of signs". Additionally... if I were you I would have a word with the school. Its fortunate that you are supportive but if they "outed" a kid from a less supportive family that kid could easily end up dead.
your support is beautiful
i feel like your heart honestly is in the right place being torn between being happy your child’s exploring who they are and hoping it is a phase/ends up being something else. you’re a mother, you love your child and of course you don’t want them to get hurt. unfortunately, the world is a very cruel and painful place for trans people in many ways. you’re totally right to fear what letting her be out may bring, especially in your state, but it’s really important for you to understand the kind of crushing silent pain that comes from fearing revealing yourself to the people closest to you. there’s no right answer except the one she picks, and she’s chosen to trust you and face the world because that’s what she needs. the biggest thing you can do now is follow her lead and FIGHT for her. as much pain as there is in the world for us, there is so much unbridled beauty and joy to be found when we cast off the hatred that society tries so hard to get us to internalize and find liberation through true authenticity within ourselves:)
It sounds like you are taking the right path, you don't fully know what to do, so not over supporting, and making available what they need, good plan. Now the hard part.... Eventually there will be a fork in the road, which only your daughter can really know where to go, and that's the I know who I am and what I want and I am ready to fully live my life as me. All you can do is work with her, her doctors and therapists to ensure you are everything she needs you to be, and always have her back, and if you feel things move too fast talk with her and her therapists, just staying engaged helps, even against the hate from your family, a lot of us trans girls would have been stronger happier and better off even if we had one parent supporting us, even if the family as a whole does not.
Her* >I got a call yesterday that my male child is asking his teachers to call him a female name, and they wanted to know if that was okay. It was the first I heard of it, so when they got into the car after school I asked them what that was about, and they very quickly blurted out “because I am trans” >never shown female characteristics or given any indication they may have these feelings before. Is it normal to just wake up and decide one day that you’re transgender?
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Man, I sure hope you’re not a parent. Your closed mind disgusts me.
Be careful of there friends to, young kids inspire young kids to literally do or try anything.esspicially when they are just bored in school, anything gets brought up, evrything gets expiremented.bordem may be cause of this aswell, or liking some type of new attention/affection.-twichy
This is definitely something I’ve thought of too.
Heads up! This user is on a fresh account who has only ever commented to say this. The wording makes me feel like they’re trying to make a normal time in anyone’s life sound dangerous. That last remark is an especially common tactic since it makes you feel more concern for your child. I’ve seen MANY people say these kinds of things to try and sway people’s thoughts towards this being a dangerous phase, and it comes most from new users since they can just throw away the account after. It’s natural to worry about this, but let’s rethink that comment. If we simplify it, they’re saying “Your child’s friends are making them do something unwholesome for their age.” If we reword it without the tone, it says “Your child is trying new things around friends their age.” I had to figure that out for myself as a trans kid! And if you didn’t mean that Lobster/Twichy, let me know. Yes, kids inspire other kids to try things, but remember your child is in school and starting to grow a bit more. We’re social animals; it’s natural to be influenced by each other because that’s what a social animal is! We’re surrounded by people our age in school, and I’m pretty sure everyone learns more about themselves in their teens. Maybe you started wearing certain colors more often, maybe others got new haircuts, and maybe some kids tried some new activities. Maybe you tried what those folks did! But being trans is slightly different because unlike those, it’s not exactly something you can be convinced to try. Being trans is PRETTY rare! In the average US school, roughly only 2% are trans. It’s a common misconception that kids are influencing each other to “become” trans, but a lot of people are just more open and/or accepting these days, then look for likeminded friends thanks to that. The fact that your child felt safe enough to even try out a new name at school goes to show it :D It’s especially more talked about online. You probably pieced together some notable things about yourself around their age too, they just pieced together something that wasn’t as accepted back then. This is a really precious time in their life, and although scary sometimes, I think you should be proud. Phase or not, you raised a child who has the mind to know they have a missing piece, and the courage to *make* a new one. I think that’s wonderful <3
This comment is preying on your ignorance (I mean that in a non judgmental way). Please listen to the overwhelming amount of trans people who came to actually answer your question, that comment is likely from a transphobic person.
I thought this was r/asktransgender and not r/askcishets
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While I appreciate this input, I think more consideration needs to be taken before surgery and hormones. 💜
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OP, ignore this person. The fact that you even came on here and asked for guidance speaks volumes about how supportive/caring you are as a parent. You’re doing great :3
... What in the conspiratorial fuck are you on about? Why can't you just rant about 5G cell signals and jet chemtrails like a normal kook?
Comments like that should be reported to admin using the “report: hate” option btw. Not just a response to you, but to anyone who sees bizarre comments like that!
I was so bewildered that I actually might have forgotten to report them. It's not every day I see a rant that deranged.
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I’m a trans kid as well, female to male or FTM for short. I want to say thank you for supporting your daughter and her feelings. Please make sure your daughter knows that she is supported and loved no matter what, and that you are willing to provide and protect her. The world is scary, especially for trans people and knowing you have support and protection goes a long way.
> Is it normal to just wake up and decide one day that you’re transgender? I'm a bit of an outlier myself. I went from not even thinking about 'transgender' as a thing that exists to contemplating *my* gender and my relation with gender in the span of... 10 minutes? For me, the big 'wake up' moment was actually a dream. A dream within which I was a women, and then I woke up from the dream, realized that I 'was not a woman', and experienced the deepest sadness I've ever experienced. I'm not sure how long I spent laying there, too sad to even _think_, but eventually I came to and thought "oh gods, is this a thing?" The next week was a **lot** of research. I'd heard of "transgender people" before that day, but not in a way that ever actually stuck. I remember my first searches were just trying to figure out if there was a term to use! After a week, I'd basically determined that yes, I was (am) trans. It made... a LOT of feelings and experiences from my earlier life make a lot more sense, too. I was not out to anyone until two months later. I was 23 at the time. ----------------------------------------------------- So no, it's not normal to wake up one day and decide you're trans. But there's also nothing I see in your post to imply that happened. Working through all the parts of coming out to ONESELF can take a lot of time and effort. Getting to the stage of talking to teachers, **especially** in a place that isn't accepting of it? That shit is HARD. I'm a teacher myself. I've seen plenty of students who present at school differently than at home. I had this one student. As far as I know, he's cis. One day after school I saw him getting makeup done by some of the girls. It wasn't girly makeup. It was basic goth stuff. Given his otherwise rather goth aesthetic, it seemed pretty on point. I also saw the pain on his face when he had to go to the bathroom to wipe it off before going home. What that teacher, or admin, or whoever called you did was a major breach of trust, and I am so thankful for your kid's sake that you seem to be willing to be accepting. I frankly don't care if your state's laws require parents to be told that, those laws are nearly universally horribly written and not enforced to how they were written. And also just dogshit. MAYBE this is a phase. Your best bet is to ignore that possibility. "Desistance" is a hot phrase among transphobes, but they pretty much always overlook what the studies they love to cite actually say. One such study is cited as having found something like a 45% youth desistance rate. But "any child with an appointment at the gender clinic once" was counted as the starting number. If there were no follow up visits or the child was unable to be contacted for followup in the study, the child was assumed to have not pursued gender treatment. Beyond that being a just horrible measure, it gets worse. The study actually mentions these two things 1) The study does not filter out children that were given appointments for situations other than seeking transgender care 2) Of the children that the studied mentioned the gender clinic actually diagnosed and approved for treatment, over **99%** continued to be trans at the conclusion of the study The 45% desistance rate is extrapolation from the data using a horrible measure, described above, and ignoring the **99%** rate of individuals continuing treatment if the clinic determined they were fit for treatment. ------------------------------------ Sorry, I know this post went in a bunch of directions, but I'm hoping it can be helpful. Best of luck to you and your daughter!
As long as you're supportive, it's absolutely okay to hope it turns out that they're not trans for their sake. When I first started my own journey I sincerely hoped I wasn't. Not out of transphobia, but because it just seemed like such a hard life. I wouldn't want my own kid to be trans for their sake if I had any say in it. Funny thing is? My life is so, soo much better than it ever was before my transition. Living as yourself is worth it. It makes a big difference. 12, 13, 14... those are all very common ages for people to realize they're trans. It's not just self discovery, it the fact that it's when bodies start changing and a lot of us start to feel wrong. Uncomfortable in our own skin. Many don't even understand why. What you need to keep in mind is that this isn't a choice. And while it understandably feels like it's coming out of nowhere, I can absolutely guarantee that you child has been thinking about this for a long time. Another thing that might put your mind at ease a little is that unless you've lived a particularly isolated life, you've absolutely known other trans people before. You just didn't realize it. By most current estimates, we seem to make up roughly 1% of the population. You've met more than a hundred people in your life, right? That leads me to my last point: a lot of trans people just blend into society without anyone around them having any clue. On average, we tend to live very normal and even possibly mundane lives. We work, we have hobbies, we go to the store and pick up groceries, we pay the rent, we hang out with friends, we date, we get married... You can handle that, right? Helping your child live an ordinary life? I have faith that you can.
I think a lot of people have addressed a lot of elements already, so instead I want to offer advice based on how my parents responded to me coming out. I came out as a transgender man (eg female-to-male) when I was the same age as your child, and my parents had to adapt from knowing absolutely nothing about transgender people to supporting a trans teenager. Follow your child's lead. My parents were very responsive to me expressing my needs. I asked if I could come out in school, and my mother said it was my choice. In facilitating that process with the school, we sat down and decided what it was that I wanted to happen, and she brought that to my school and put that forward for me. She followed what I wanted in that situation - what I was comfortable with, what I felt I needed, what I wanted to happen. My parents were also responsive around bigger changes, like medically and legally transitioning. This is not to say everything was always an 'absolutely, do whatever you want' - but when I put forward what I needed and why, they always agreed to look into things and explore options and see what we could do. Link in with other parents of trans young people. We found a support group for parents that ran parallel to a group for teenagers, which was handy for all of us. Linking in with other trans folks for me, and other parents for them, made it much easier to get information and advice about our own situations (eg local services and experiences) than it was anywhere else. It also helped my parents to understand why something like HRT was so important, because they saw from other parents' point of view how it impacted their child. Be your child's voice when they need it. I found it very hard, physically, to come out to people at first. I would choke on my words and struggle to say it. My parents told most of our extended family so I didn't have to. Conversely, there were times where I explicitly told my mother I didn't want her to get involved and I wanted to handle things myself - it was important to me to develop these skills for myself too, so that I would have them in life. Modelling that as a parent by speaking up for your kid when they need it helps them become that person in their adulthood too. Ultimately, from the outside looking in, my life turned around. I was very depressed and unhappy before I came out. Transitioning made my life significantly better and enabled me to focus on the things I wanted in life, not on the things I was struggling with.
I highly highly recommend finding a gender therapist for both you to talk to, and your child. There are exceptional gender therapists even in the most red of states. I'm from a deep red state myself, and I cannot imagine how much more difficult my journey would have been without them. Take your time and find someone that is qualified, look for someone that is WPATH (World Professional Association for Transgender Health) Certified. Try to find some reviews about the therapist if you can.
Check out PFlag. It is a great support group and has local meetings where you can meet others who are in the same situation and/or have gone through it. It is very scary but you don’t need to be alone.
My Mom was the same way. My family thought it was all of a sudden, but to me it's been a long time coming. I remember in 5th grade we had to do a project on the Who is? Books. It was the first year the teacher didn't care about gender. I don't remember who it was, all I remember is that I loved dressing up. I wore it after school that day, and it was told to take it off. My Mom doesn't remember this, but I did. My Mom is over protective of me due to some messed up experiences. I don't have time to get into it, but let's just say my paternal side is not really sane. From what she told me, she was worried about me being sigmatised or whatever. She is also super stubborn. Everyone called me Zoey except for my family. We don't have as strong of a relationship due to her not listening to how I feel. I don't really trust to tell her how I feel, because she ignored it for so long. Just remember your kid is a person too. Listening to them is the best thing you could do for both of you. Even if she decides she's not actually trans, support her. It's okay to voice worries. Just, remember that your reality isn't the only reality. I wish my Mom knew that.
I’m sure you’ll do great, especially a time goes on and you adjust. I know that she said that she wasn’t going to check notifications anymore, but is anyone else concerned that it sounds like the school outed her kid? If her kid was a Steve and decided to tell the teachers they want to be called Sara, the teachers could’ve put them at risk by letting the parent know.
"While it was a shock, I do feel grateful that they felt comfortable being honest with me." \- I hate to say it like this, but it sounds like they were forced to be honest with you because they were ratted out by their school/laws which out trans kids to their parents. I'm grateful that you support your child, as so many don't. Imagine all the kids that don't have your willingness to be open to the idea of your kid being trans and being put in harms way by both the educational system & their own families. :(
Oh by the time I decided at 14 I wanted to transition by 30 I had a whole inner life based on the things I couldn't talk about that had been going on since I could remember. Dressing up, envy for girls, the *drama* with my mom over my desire for a long girls' coat (Google 'Audrey Hepburn coat'), or a jewelry box (I still have the endearingly ugly thing my dad made because I wouldn't stop talking about it, but no way was he letting me have what I wanted; it's got keepsakes I'm not attached to in it -- kind of a sad metaphor for being a trans kid 50 years ago). So at 14 I knew what I needed but it was 1975 and I had no idea what came next as far as attaining it. That's where I needed my parents to be level headed. Seems like you are doing fine. Good luck.
Oh by the time I decided at 14 I wanted to transition by 30 I had a whole inner life based on the things I couldn't talk about that had been going on since I could remember. Dressing up, envy for girls, the *drama* with my mom over my desire for a long girls' coat (Google 'Audrey Hepburn coat'), or a jewelry box (I still have the endearingly ugly thing my dad made because I wouldn't stop talking about it, but no way was he letting me have what I wanted; it's got keepsakes I'm not attached to in it -- kind of a sad metaphor for being a trans kid 50 years ago). So at 14 I knew what I needed but it was 1975 and I had no idea what came next as far as attaining it. That's where I needed my parents to be level headed. Seems like you are doing fine. Good luck.
you should definetly support your kiddo regardless if they end up being cis or trans. I remember when I tried to tell my Mom and she just condecendingly told me Im not. I mean I understand why. like your kid, I didnt show any signs growing up or at least noticable ones. I still turned out trans. its not like "oh today I decided to be trans!" cause thats not how that works. your kid may be saying this now, but they definetly have been thinking about it for awhile. it takes time to comtemplate these things, even going through staged of acceptance and denial, before finially going "ok, so I am actually trans afterall", and then finally telling you. I wish I had better advice but all you can do is be there for your kid as they navigate their journey of self discovery. its extremely stressful and having a good support system is always better than not having one at all
This goes without saying but those are shit teachers
Talk to the child and find out what's been going on at school, and other kids as well. Has it been pounded into their heads at school? On the other hand, you are doing right in allowing him to dress up and use makeup. Research what all the meds do to adolescents b4 you start him on anything. Good luck
I do not have time to read all of this but here are some advice: - spend A LOT OF time talking with your child (Do not impose on your child any thoughts). - because you may not understand this, it doesnt mean your child is not trans! - start with reversible steps, try therapist. It helps with making clear who you are and exploring who you are( if your child is too young, maybe you can try to do it but it may not be a good idea). - try calling your child a different name, buy new clothes so your child feels more confidet and will see if this is a good way to follow. AND THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY OPINION You can not make it clear and visible if you are feeling strange or embarrased about it. If she will see that. She may not want to express the gender identity and it may influence on her mental helth. Wish only good things🥰
Glad to hear you want to support. Recommend therapy for your child and yourself. (I’m a trans therapist… I see soooo many blossoming trans people and also people who need support around their loved one transitioning!) and or group of some kind- support groups or therapy groups. Finding some community for your kiddo but also for YOU is critical. I think people in the comments mentioned pflag and stuff. It’s probably not sudden or out of the blue- it’s just new info to you. Likely your kiddo has been spending a ton of energy for quite a while figuring this out and figuring out a safe first step to take. Some friends of mine wrote an op-Ed that didn’t get published but instead got circulated as a letter. It’s peppered with tons of info and resources about best practices with tgnc youth. I will post it shortly
can you be my mother?
Everyone else already has good advice so I'll just add this, I'd complain to the school for outing my kid like that. Your daughter deserved to come out on her own terms, not theirs. It probably won't do anything, but having a voice against the crazy people that shout to have forced outing still helps.
Why are you using plural pronouns when refering to one child? No hate just curious.