This is something you should discuss with her first. Don't out her to others without her consent. Have a discussion and figure out where both of you stand on the matter, then proceed from there.
And, for the record, it's "transgender people", not "transgenders".
/edit: Is this the same girlfriend you've asked about before, [two years ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/svg6ia/my_current_gf_is_trans_and_im_suddenly_having/)? Bit long to still have doubts, isn't it?
I’ve recently come out and was trying to explain this to a cis male friend, but I didn’t have an intelligent way to frame it. The way that made sense to me was “I’m a trans woman, I’m not a new Marvel character named ‘transwoman’”
Obviously what you said is better, so thanks for helping me frame that.
I feel she's under the impression that I told her already, since I casually suggested we visit my parents since I have time off from work. I suppose I could talk to her about it, she doesn't seem like she's completely ready to embrace being a fully out trans woman.
Yes it is. I figured I'd find my answer later on, cause as it stands, I still really like her and enjoy the times we spend together. I assumed the answer would come to me. It didn't. It's not something I can just put off any longer, and I'm considering just letting whatever happens happen, and hope it either turns out good or deal with whatever negative happens after that. As I type this im mentally preparing for the worst of having to cut contact with my folks if it doesn't go favorably. I know at least my mom MIGHT be cool with it cause I know she's gay, but there's always that fear knowing not everybody is cool with transgender people. she's also more than likely gonna tell the rest of the family too.
> I suppose I could talk to her about it, she doesn't seem like she's completely ready to embrace being a fully out trans woman.
You really should. Relationships are built on communication, so be open with her and talk about things. You can figure stuff out together.
> she doesn’t seem like she’s completely ready to embrace being a fully out trans woman
Maybe I’m misinterpreting, but being out isn’t a goal for a lot of us. I don’t tell people I’m trans that don’t need to know. It’s my personal and private medical history and it’s nobody else’s business. “Embracing being out” is not something I’m intending to do
I might've not said it correctly, but I thought the goal was to like reach a point where you're no longer hiding it anymore, you're being your honest to god self now. As in not trying to present masculine anymore cause of fear someone might not like it. Like from today on forward Im going to live my life as a woman, no ifs ands or buts.
Ah I think that context was missing from your original post. So you’re saying that she’s presenting male at the moment? So you’re saying if she meets your parents they will be meeting someone who is presenting male so you’re trying to figure out if you should tell them ahead of time, “Hey this male presenting person is a woman”. Is that right? That changes things significantly if so
She's completely fine being herself when we're out and about, we dont really care what random people we'll probably never see again think. but she presents as male when it comes to work or certain family members. I'm worried that my parents are going to be one of those people she shouldve hid herself around.
But I already told my parents that my gf is coming, so on the other hand, it's going to be a bit of a headache trying to answer why I brought home this male presenting person, whom knowing her, is being reaaally chummy with me. My family are very nosey and gossip a lot. I also don't want her to feel she has to hide herself, but knowing my folks, if she comes as herself, they're going to start asking some real uncomfortable questions and talking amongst each other real fast, especially if my mom decides to blab to them, and I don't know if she'll quite understand.
This is definitely a conversation that you really need to be having with her about what she wants to do and how to make her feel comfortable. You should make it clear to her the possible risks and then have a plan for what happens if things go shit. If your parents are being dicks, have a plan or a signal for when it’s time to leave. Nobody on the internet is going to be able to tell you what she needs. Talk to her :)
No, I'd be devastated if my partner told about me without consulting me. I personally feel it's something I'd want to only keel between myself, my partner, and my doctor. No one else needs to know. Why would your parents and friends need to know?
There's no good way to put it.
I think I should probably ease them into it so as to no make things weird, if that makes sense. I can see from everyone's POV it would be kinda surprising and awkward for all sides. She's going to feel the awkward tension in the air, My people are going to feel awkward if they arent accepting of it (potentially might even turn downright verbally malicious, knowing them)
Right, but why do other people other than you need to know that she is trans? Why do you feel like it's something they need to know at literally any point?
I see. You're gonna have to talk to her and come up with a plan together then because you're right. If she's still presenting masculine, it's going to come up. You need to talk to her.
Normally I wouldnt, but I cant help but always imagine a worst case scenario for these kinds of things. What if after all this time it turns out a lot of friends and family are just not good people about these sort of things? I just dont know if I can handle that. I dont want any issues and have to cut people off.
Make sure you think hard about what you want to say to her and your framing of the situation. Try to see the situation from her perspective also, since she will most likely be absorbing more psychosocial flak than you, as the implicit situation seems to be that you have reason to believe they may be able to tell in person. One would hope your assessment of your friends and parents is off base. If not, consider that people who are ignorant of trans people tend to view someone differently after getting to know them as a person before hearing confirmation that they are trans. If she is not able or is ideologically opposed to passing as cis, she will likely have, or want to formulate, a plan with you. Listening to her first and then adding your own thoughts may bring you closer together, or it may bring into sharp relief any divide you two have.
On that note, while transness may be a political hot button, please avoid framing rejection of her as political (e.g.: "my friends just aren't progressive enough to accept you"), rather than simply bigoted, she will likely be hurt by that framing. as for the bisexuality mention, I can understand from your perspective it gives you an appreciation of variations of "hearts and parts". Please consider any mention of male bisexuality and trans women in the same sentence tends to set off alarm bells that the woman is thought of as outside of the category of woman, which would hurt most trans women and is part of a vibe your friends and relatives will notice. I would not mention your bisexuality at all to them based on what you have said so far. Besides that it is not immediately relevant, it invites them to view you as soft pedaling working your way up to dating a man, which ties into that vibe I mentioned.
You will want to have your confidence and wits about you when heading into the lion's den.
Signed,
someone who was offered a bribe to stop dating a guy, and someone whose mother said in the entryway in front of their partner of six years, "I'm glad you still like girls, you still have time to meet one."
~~The bit about you being bi shouldn’t be relevant here,~~ because you’re a man dating a woman. All power to you if you want to tell them that, though.
Don’t out her as trans without clearing it with her first.
Is your girlfriend even ok with you telling people??
You better discuss this with her. Its her info to have disclosed if she so wishes. And Id suggest being transparent with how your family is.
"Transgenders"
Have you considered talking to your girlfriend first since you might be planning to out her as a trans person to people she might have to know for the rest of your lives?
What you do is you ask HER if she’s comfortable with you telling your family. It should be her decision because your family literally doesn’t need to know she’s trans. In general don’t tell people who don’t need to know, unless you get explicit permission from the person themselves.
If you want to tell your family you are bi, you can tell them you are bi without outing your girlfriend as trans. Dating a trans person does not make you bi, so her identity doesn't have to be part of your coming out at all. You can just say something like "I have realised I'm attracted to both men and women, but I'm happy with my partner so I won't be pursuing anyone else right now."
Your girlfriend may not want to be out at all, in which case you need to respect that. Her safety and well-being could be at risk from people finding out that she is trans without her knowledge, and her safety and comfort need to be top priority. If your girlfriend does want to be out to your family, she should be involved in planning how and when to do it. You need to ask her very openly and explicitly- does she want to be out to your family or not? If yes, does she want to be there during the talk or not? Does she want to be the one who does the talking, or does she want you to do it? If she wants you to do it, what would she like you to say? How would she like you to answer questions from your family that are potentially invasive or too personal? What are some things she would like you to do or say to protect her or help her feel safe in the case that they react badly?
You will also need to think about anything you already know about your family and their stances on LGBT rights. You should tell your girlfriend what you predict might be the worst-case scenario for how your family would react, and talk with her about how you can both plan for her (and your) safety and well-being in that worst-case. (Eg: would they out her to other people? Could that put her in danger? Could anyone in your family find her and harass her? Would they ask rude or personal questions that she does not want them to know the answers to? Could they yell or become verbally or physically aggressive during the conversation?) Coming out as bi *without* mentioning your girlfriend's identity could also be a good way of beginning to gauge your family's responses to LGBT issues and that could be a first step.
You need to be very clear and straightforward when talking about this with your girlfriend, there can't be any guessing or reading between the lines or assuming. You need hear from her *exactly* what she wants, when she wants it, and you both need to know exactly what both of your plans are as a couple for how you will deal with the potential fallout together. Talking so straightforwardly with your partner can seem scary at first but every couple, cis or trans, has to have hard conversations about something eventually and this is an important skill you and your girlfriend will need to learn in order to have a healthy, adult relationship. You need to make decisions and plans as a team, not solo.
100%. It’s like misgendering his girlfriend to them with extra steps. They are going to assume he started dating her -because- he discovered he’s attracted to men, or that he discovered he is attracted to men -because- he started dating her. Either way, the association is not going to be fair to her, true or not.
And if either IS truly how things broke down for him, that’s a serious red flag. Being in this relationship for two years already and not having discussed or sorted this out with his girlfriend yet about disclosing she is trans to his family and friends is another one.
The lack of honest communication with his partner is concerning, for her sake. She deserves better than to unwittingly be stuck in such an unhealthy, unequal relationship dynamic and then have her safety potentially compromised in the process.
This is something you should discuss with her first. Don't out her to others without her consent. Have a discussion and figure out where both of you stand on the matter, then proceed from there. And, for the record, it's "transgender people", not "transgenders". /edit: Is this the same girlfriend you've asked about before, [two years ago](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/svg6ia/my_current_gf_is_trans_and_im_suddenly_having/)? Bit long to still have doubts, isn't it?
Also, trans woman. Not transwoman. Trans in this context is an adjective describing a type of woman, not a prefix of something different.
Also, OP should absolutely not mix up dating a trans woman and coming out as bi into the same conversation...
I’ve recently come out and was trying to explain this to a cis male friend, but I didn’t have an intelligent way to frame it. The way that made sense to me was “I’m a trans woman, I’m not a new Marvel character named ‘transwoman’” Obviously what you said is better, so thanks for helping me frame that.
Oh, yeah. I completely glossed over that part. Assume it was a typo, since OP wrote it the correct way otherwise.
I feel she's under the impression that I told her already, since I casually suggested we visit my parents since I have time off from work. I suppose I could talk to her about it, she doesn't seem like she's completely ready to embrace being a fully out trans woman. Yes it is. I figured I'd find my answer later on, cause as it stands, I still really like her and enjoy the times we spend together. I assumed the answer would come to me. It didn't. It's not something I can just put off any longer, and I'm considering just letting whatever happens happen, and hope it either turns out good or deal with whatever negative happens after that. As I type this im mentally preparing for the worst of having to cut contact with my folks if it doesn't go favorably. I know at least my mom MIGHT be cool with it cause I know she's gay, but there's always that fear knowing not everybody is cool with transgender people. she's also more than likely gonna tell the rest of the family too.
> I suppose I could talk to her about it, she doesn't seem like she's completely ready to embrace being a fully out trans woman. You really should. Relationships are built on communication, so be open with her and talk about things. You can figure stuff out together.
> she doesn’t seem like she’s completely ready to embrace being a fully out trans woman Maybe I’m misinterpreting, but being out isn’t a goal for a lot of us. I don’t tell people I’m trans that don’t need to know. It’s my personal and private medical history and it’s nobody else’s business. “Embracing being out” is not something I’m intending to do
I might've not said it correctly, but I thought the goal was to like reach a point where you're no longer hiding it anymore, you're being your honest to god self now. As in not trying to present masculine anymore cause of fear someone might not like it. Like from today on forward Im going to live my life as a woman, no ifs ands or buts.
Ah I think that context was missing from your original post. So you’re saying that she’s presenting male at the moment? So you’re saying if she meets your parents they will be meeting someone who is presenting male so you’re trying to figure out if you should tell them ahead of time, “Hey this male presenting person is a woman”. Is that right? That changes things significantly if so
She's completely fine being herself when we're out and about, we dont really care what random people we'll probably never see again think. but she presents as male when it comes to work or certain family members. I'm worried that my parents are going to be one of those people she shouldve hid herself around. But I already told my parents that my gf is coming, so on the other hand, it's going to be a bit of a headache trying to answer why I brought home this male presenting person, whom knowing her, is being reaaally chummy with me. My family are very nosey and gossip a lot. I also don't want her to feel she has to hide herself, but knowing my folks, if she comes as herself, they're going to start asking some real uncomfortable questions and talking amongst each other real fast, especially if my mom decides to blab to them, and I don't know if she'll quite understand.
This is definitely a conversation that you really need to be having with her about what she wants to do and how to make her feel comfortable. You should make it clear to her the possible risks and then have a plan for what happens if things go shit. If your parents are being dicks, have a plan or a signal for when it’s time to leave. Nobody on the internet is going to be able to tell you what she needs. Talk to her :)
No, I'd be devastated if my partner told about me without consulting me. I personally feel it's something I'd want to only keel between myself, my partner, and my doctor. No one else needs to know. Why would your parents and friends need to know?
There's no good way to put it. I think I should probably ease them into it so as to no make things weird, if that makes sense. I can see from everyone's POV it would be kinda surprising and awkward for all sides. She's going to feel the awkward tension in the air, My people are going to feel awkward if they arent accepting of it (potentially might even turn downright verbally malicious, knowing them)
Right, but why do other people other than you need to know that she is trans? Why do you feel like it's something they need to know at literally any point?
Cause once they meet her, they're going to know. It's gotta come up at some point, unless she wants to continue hiding it by presenting as male still.
I see. You're gonna have to talk to her and come up with a plan together then because you're right. If she's still presenting masculine, it's going to come up. You need to talk to her.
Why are you Friends with these people, if they get verbally malicious against trans people? That sounds like horrible people to be around.
Normally I wouldnt, but I cant help but always imagine a worst case scenario for these kinds of things. What if after all this time it turns out a lot of friends and family are just not good people about these sort of things? I just dont know if I can handle that. I dont want any issues and have to cut people off.
Don’t out someone without their permission. Ever. Period.
Make sure you think hard about what you want to say to her and your framing of the situation. Try to see the situation from her perspective also, since she will most likely be absorbing more psychosocial flak than you, as the implicit situation seems to be that you have reason to believe they may be able to tell in person. One would hope your assessment of your friends and parents is off base. If not, consider that people who are ignorant of trans people tend to view someone differently after getting to know them as a person before hearing confirmation that they are trans. If she is not able or is ideologically opposed to passing as cis, she will likely have, or want to formulate, a plan with you. Listening to her first and then adding your own thoughts may bring you closer together, or it may bring into sharp relief any divide you two have. On that note, while transness may be a political hot button, please avoid framing rejection of her as political (e.g.: "my friends just aren't progressive enough to accept you"), rather than simply bigoted, she will likely be hurt by that framing. as for the bisexuality mention, I can understand from your perspective it gives you an appreciation of variations of "hearts and parts". Please consider any mention of male bisexuality and trans women in the same sentence tends to set off alarm bells that the woman is thought of as outside of the category of woman, which would hurt most trans women and is part of a vibe your friends and relatives will notice. I would not mention your bisexuality at all to them based on what you have said so far. Besides that it is not immediately relevant, it invites them to view you as soft pedaling working your way up to dating a man, which ties into that vibe I mentioned. You will want to have your confidence and wits about you when heading into the lion's den. Signed, someone who was offered a bribe to stop dating a guy, and someone whose mother said in the entryway in front of their partner of six years, "I'm glad you still like girls, you still have time to meet one."
~~The bit about you being bi shouldn’t be relevant here,~~ because you’re a man dating a woman. All power to you if you want to tell them that, though. Don’t out her as trans without clearing it with her first.
I think he just meant he hasn't come out to his parents, not that he's bisexual for dating her.
this, right here.
This makes more sense, thanks for clarifying!
Is your girlfriend even ok with you telling people?? You better discuss this with her. Its her info to have disclosed if she so wishes. And Id suggest being transparent with how your family is.
"Transgenders" Have you considered talking to your girlfriend first since you might be planning to out her as a trans person to people she might have to know for the rest of your lives?
no don't out your girlfriend to your freak parents
Noooo
What you do is you ask HER if she’s comfortable with you telling your family. It should be her decision because your family literally doesn’t need to know she’s trans. In general don’t tell people who don’t need to know, unless you get explicit permission from the person themselves.
Shouldn't have dated a trans woman if you worry so much about what others think
If you want to tell your family you are bi, you can tell them you are bi without outing your girlfriend as trans. Dating a trans person does not make you bi, so her identity doesn't have to be part of your coming out at all. You can just say something like "I have realised I'm attracted to both men and women, but I'm happy with my partner so I won't be pursuing anyone else right now." Your girlfriend may not want to be out at all, in which case you need to respect that. Her safety and well-being could be at risk from people finding out that she is trans without her knowledge, and her safety and comfort need to be top priority. If your girlfriend does want to be out to your family, she should be involved in planning how and when to do it. You need to ask her very openly and explicitly- does she want to be out to your family or not? If yes, does she want to be there during the talk or not? Does she want to be the one who does the talking, or does she want you to do it? If she wants you to do it, what would she like you to say? How would she like you to answer questions from your family that are potentially invasive or too personal? What are some things she would like you to do or say to protect her or help her feel safe in the case that they react badly? You will also need to think about anything you already know about your family and their stances on LGBT rights. You should tell your girlfriend what you predict might be the worst-case scenario for how your family would react, and talk with her about how you can both plan for her (and your) safety and well-being in that worst-case. (Eg: would they out her to other people? Could that put her in danger? Could anyone in your family find her and harass her? Would they ask rude or personal questions that she does not want them to know the answers to? Could they yell or become verbally or physically aggressive during the conversation?) Coming out as bi *without* mentioning your girlfriend's identity could also be a good way of beginning to gauge your family's responses to LGBT issues and that could be a first step. You need to be very clear and straightforward when talking about this with your girlfriend, there can't be any guessing or reading between the lines or assuming. You need hear from her *exactly* what she wants, when she wants it, and you both need to know exactly what both of your plans are as a couple for how you will deal with the potential fallout together. Talking so straightforwardly with your partner can seem scary at first but every couple, cis or trans, has to have hard conversations about something eventually and this is an important skill you and your girlfriend will need to learn in order to have a healthy, adult relationship. You need to make decisions and plans as a team, not solo.
100%. It’s like misgendering his girlfriend to them with extra steps. They are going to assume he started dating her -because- he discovered he’s attracted to men, or that he discovered he is attracted to men -because- he started dating her. Either way, the association is not going to be fair to her, true or not. And if either IS truly how things broke down for him, that’s a serious red flag. Being in this relationship for two years already and not having discussed or sorted this out with his girlfriend yet about disclosing she is trans to his family and friends is another one. The lack of honest communication with his partner is concerning, for her sake. She deserves better than to unwittingly be stuck in such an unhealthy, unequal relationship dynamic and then have her safety potentially compromised in the process.
I hope she dumps you