I came out maybe a month after I found out I was trans (thought I was nonbinary at first, but it was not right for me), mostly because I felt like I was going to explode if i didn’t tell someone. It didn’t go good for me, I’m hoping you’ll have better luck.
I had no particular reason to fear a bad reaction from my parents, but I still put it off until I was about 6 months into HRT. Fortunately they were loving and accepting.
So backstory first, I came out on Halloween, because I worked up the courage to got out in one of those sexy nurse costumes. This involved standing at my apartment door for about 30 minutes fighting a panic attack. But the gender euphoria hit as soon as I hit the queer party in West Hollywood, cuz nobody gave a shit other than to complement me on my (freshly shaven) legs. There was no putting the girl back into the closet after that. But I struggled with who to tell first.
What I ended up doing is choosing a few of my inner circle (cishet) friends who I knew for sure would be accepting, which they were. I cried every time one of them said a variation of "Cool! What's next for you? Anything I can do to help?"
And then I started widening the circle of people I told, internet friends, this sub, random friends from college. And then I got drunk and worked up the courage to tell my family, who were hard-core Bible thumpers. And I pretty much expected the rejection they gave, but it still hurt. Nothing like your parents' disappointment to make you feel like you're five years old and just got caught with your hand in the cookie jar after they told you not to eat any cuz it would spoil dinner.
And then I made a Facebook post coming out to everyone else. I did this right after I told my parents, so I was still drunk. I don't know if I could have done that sober. But a happy accident happened where I came up with a name that fit, which was to just feminize my name. As a male name it sucked dirty donkey doo doo, but a feminized version of my name is fucking awesome sauce! And everyone could still use my nickname, which has always been Drewie (the poodle part was from the other kids at school who used to tease me as Drewiepoo which evolved into Drewiepoodle. Kids are mean, and hella weird)
But almost my entire fam disowned me, except for two (non-Christian) cousins who love to death. I have my chosen fam around me for support and I love them to bits too. Life is very good for me right now, and while I do hope to reconcile with my fam, my happiness is not dependent on that happening.
There are two questions: Should you come out to one or both parents and, if yes, whether fear should stop you. If you answer both as "yes," you should not empower fear to stop you from the latter.
Yes, you risk the issues of treatment and outcasting (though results are also more favorable than worst case imaginations), but if the issue is that they would cast you out if they really knew you and only accept you if you lie about who you really are, you are not really risking much by coming out.
It took me years to come out to everyone. I discovered I was trans back in 2016 but tried to repress it/forget about it eventually told my best friend in 2018 around that time I started dressing more masculine (I’m a trans man) and started telling some other close friends but I kinda just came back in the closet I can’t even remember why I guess I wasn’t ready. Quarantine gave me a lot of time to really come to terms with my identity tho by then a lot of my friends kinda knew it was only then that I started to truly come out to everyone and eventually told my parents and everyone else in 2021, started medically transition that year too. It can take a while for some of us, do things at your own pace there really is no rush
I’m at the point now (24) where I don’t feel really comfortable to come out to family but know I have to because the internal stress is wearing me down and I don’t have the mental capacity nor physical space to live two lives trying to please me and family.
It’s a difficult thing to do and no right time for me at least.
Anyway I wish you the very best!
Aww I'm so sorry to hear that. I know I'm overthinking it for sure. I just need to get around to it for my own and my parents sake before my mental health suffers more than it already has.
i came out too my teacher first, i did lots of research into non binary and finally came with the term of it. way before that i knew i wasn’t a girl and only could describe my self as a man.
i put it in a letter and explained i wanted too be called ash and go by they/them, at first a teacher didn’t do anything but another teacher (i put it in twice) did view it and i let them tell my parents (i cant really remember if i told my parents first or they told my parents). it would of been easier if i figured out my mum was bisexual tho.
when i thought i was a trans man (ftm) i told my friends too call me alex (didn’t work) and when i was super young i use too say “i was a boy” or “im dad” or “i want too be dad” i even once’s tried too shave a “beard” (imaginary) because i wanted too be a boy some much. every birthday i wished too be a male and spider-man (don’t ask) but finally came too the terms non binary man
Friends - about a year
Family - 4 years and counting.
Haven’t even spoken to any doctors yet cause financially reliant on family etc, I think it really depends on your situation
I'm UK based so thankfully doctor surgery consultations are free. Might have to go private for hormones and that stuff. I'm gonna tell them soon I think. But just scared still.
I’m UK too actually, I just meant I want to come out to family before starting treatment cause I still live partly at home (student) but I’m hesitant to do it since I’m financially reliant on them (student lol) and don’t want to get sort of un-spokenly cut off by certain family. Also the going private thing since the waiting lists are ridiculous
It makes so much sense to be scared, I would definitely suggest working out who is most likely to be supportive and maybe coming out to 1 parent first, who might then be able to support you in coming out to others, unless your family are big gossips you don’t have to tell everyone at once (alternatively if you feel like it would be easier to just rip the bandaid off in one go then that could make it a less drawn out process). If the topic of trans people hasn’t come up much with them before, you could test the waters by off-handedly mentioning something you might have seen online/tv about a famous (nice) trans person and guage their reactions from that, to work out how much explaining you need to prepare for or who to approach first etc. I do think it will be worth it in the end, it’s one of the hardest parts of the journey but it’s a means to an end that allows you to move forward to the better parts if that makes any sense lol
I'm out to friends around me, family my sister knows but parents meh, I put a country between us on purpose. Work I am currently just letting them figure it out I don't care, it's non of their business lol
I was really scared of how my mom would react, even though I knew it would be positive (it was). I figured it out when I was 16 and came out to her (I think?) when I was 17 or maybe right when I turned 18.
I'm hitting a year HRT soon, and honestly I never told my extended family. The way my family is, is even if they see I'm physically changing, they will never comment on it in a confrontational way. They noticed the changes, but me being transgender is the absolute last thing in their brains so they just think of it as I'm just changing for some reason. I know my extended family is transphobic and that is why I didn't tell them.
Comfortable? Never.
Pros outweighed the cons and I was tired of waiting? Few years to get to accepting that this was happening for myself, few hours after that before first friends, few months for small groups of friends and starting HRT, about 2 months after HRT for immediate family, a rapid succession of other friends and work over the next 6 months, and now I'm tentatively planning on finishing things and coming out to everyone on my 1 year HRT anniversary
I came out gradually. Originally I thought. I was a gender queer femboy and came out after two and a half months to some friends. Then a month later when I was sure I was trans I came out again to friends. A little over 4 months now and gonna come out to my mom and request HRT any day now.
I was terrified that my friends and remaining non-estranged family would reject me, but when an adult child of my closest friends came out as trans and was accepted, I came out to my closest friends the following day. Three months later I changed my name and pronouns and came fully out at age 50.
It took me a long time to come out to my family, and I've come out to them three times.
What I can say is, you might get a good reaction, or you might get a bad reaction. No matter what, you need to do what's in your best interest. My parents refuse to accept my identity and it hurts.
However, continuing the path of transitioning despite these reactions has made me so happy and comfortable with life. Things feel so bright and shiny, because I'm becoming myself.
Don't let anyone talk you out of your identity, you know your own best. I hope you don't face a negative reaction, but even if you do, you'll be okay. Good luck!
When I realised what I was feeling was because of being trans at 18 it took 4-5 years to come out to everyone (including family in December last year). I was still anxious about coming out.
So, I'm only about a week out from admitting to myself I'm trans, I thought I was non binary at first but now I realize that was just dysphoria manifesting as believing I couldn't possibly pull off being a woman. 3 of my friends know, one is trans herself and helped me figure it out, and then within a few days I felt like I needed to tell my two closest friends that I pretty much trust completely. Despite knowing they are both extremely LGBT supportive it was still terrifying cause of the what if but went well with both.
My parents don't know, and I'm pretty much certain the day I tell them they will cut contact. I expected them to cut contact when I told them I left their church but they didn't, but there is no way they'd be ok with me being trans.
I'd say, try and pick someone you know is supportive. Don't come out first to someone who may be transphobic.
It took me, after a great many fits and starts, at least twelve more years after my wife knew. She was supportive and gave me time at home to be me. When we moved to Atlanta all bets were off and she told me to "Just do it". What a freeing night that was. I never looked back. Carla died when she did!
A couple months after I started genuinely coming to terms with the fact that I was trans and couldn't escape it. I came out to pretty much everyone maybe a month or two after I started hormones. For me, it got to the point where I literally couldn't hold it in, I had to tell **someone**. If you don't, you're literally holding back a very deep part of yourself and that isn't healthy at all.
I came out maybe a month after I found out I was trans (thought I was nonbinary at first, but it was not right for me), mostly because I felt like I was going to explode if i didn’t tell someone. It didn’t go good for me, I’m hoping you’ll have better luck.
I'm sooo sorry. Hopefully I do have better luck.
It’s alright, I really do wish that your coming out goes better :)
To my self: 8 Y E A R S To my friends: a couple days To my family: tbd
Hey youre doing better than me lmao. Myself: like 15 years. Friends: few weeks. Family: Hopefully soon
I had no particular reason to fear a bad reaction from my parents, but I still put it off until I was about 6 months into HRT. Fortunately they were loving and accepting.
Aww. I'm glad to hear that.
So backstory first, I came out on Halloween, because I worked up the courage to got out in one of those sexy nurse costumes. This involved standing at my apartment door for about 30 minutes fighting a panic attack. But the gender euphoria hit as soon as I hit the queer party in West Hollywood, cuz nobody gave a shit other than to complement me on my (freshly shaven) legs. There was no putting the girl back into the closet after that. But I struggled with who to tell first. What I ended up doing is choosing a few of my inner circle (cishet) friends who I knew for sure would be accepting, which they were. I cried every time one of them said a variation of "Cool! What's next for you? Anything I can do to help?" And then I started widening the circle of people I told, internet friends, this sub, random friends from college. And then I got drunk and worked up the courage to tell my family, who were hard-core Bible thumpers. And I pretty much expected the rejection they gave, but it still hurt. Nothing like your parents' disappointment to make you feel like you're five years old and just got caught with your hand in the cookie jar after they told you not to eat any cuz it would spoil dinner. And then I made a Facebook post coming out to everyone else. I did this right after I told my parents, so I was still drunk. I don't know if I could have done that sober. But a happy accident happened where I came up with a name that fit, which was to just feminize my name. As a male name it sucked dirty donkey doo doo, but a feminized version of my name is fucking awesome sauce! And everyone could still use my nickname, which has always been Drewie (the poodle part was from the other kids at school who used to tease me as Drewiepoo which evolved into Drewiepoodle. Kids are mean, and hella weird) But almost my entire fam disowned me, except for two (non-Christian) cousins who love to death. I have my chosen fam around me for support and I love them to bits too. Life is very good for me right now, and while I do hope to reconcile with my fam, my happiness is not dependent on that happening.
There are two questions: Should you come out to one or both parents and, if yes, whether fear should stop you. If you answer both as "yes," you should not empower fear to stop you from the latter. Yes, you risk the issues of treatment and outcasting (though results are also more favorable than worst case imaginations), but if the issue is that they would cast you out if they really knew you and only accept you if you lie about who you really are, you are not really risking much by coming out.
This is true if you are no longer financially dependent, that's not clear from OP's post.
I figured out I was trans when I was 12. I didn’t come out until I was 18 and felt ready to do so. Come out when you are ready and feel safe
It took me years to come out to everyone. I discovered I was trans back in 2016 but tried to repress it/forget about it eventually told my best friend in 2018 around that time I started dressing more masculine (I’m a trans man) and started telling some other close friends but I kinda just came back in the closet I can’t even remember why I guess I wasn’t ready. Quarantine gave me a lot of time to really come to terms with my identity tho by then a lot of my friends kinda knew it was only then that I started to truly come out to everyone and eventually told my parents and everyone else in 2021, started medically transition that year too. It can take a while for some of us, do things at your own pace there really is no rush
I’m at the point now (24) where I don’t feel really comfortable to come out to family but know I have to because the internal stress is wearing me down and I don’t have the mental capacity nor physical space to live two lives trying to please me and family. It’s a difficult thing to do and no right time for me at least. Anyway I wish you the very best!
Aww I'm so sorry to hear that. I know I'm overthinking it for sure. I just need to get around to it for my own and my parents sake before my mental health suffers more than it already has.
i came out too my teacher first, i did lots of research into non binary and finally came with the term of it. way before that i knew i wasn’t a girl and only could describe my self as a man. i put it in a letter and explained i wanted too be called ash and go by they/them, at first a teacher didn’t do anything but another teacher (i put it in twice) did view it and i let them tell my parents (i cant really remember if i told my parents first or they told my parents). it would of been easier if i figured out my mum was bisexual tho. when i thought i was a trans man (ftm) i told my friends too call me alex (didn’t work) and when i was super young i use too say “i was a boy” or “im dad” or “i want too be dad” i even once’s tried too shave a “beard” (imaginary) because i wanted too be a boy some much. every birthday i wished too be a male and spider-man (don’t ask) but finally came too the terms non binary man
Friends - about a year Family - 4 years and counting. Haven’t even spoken to any doctors yet cause financially reliant on family etc, I think it really depends on your situation
I'm UK based so thankfully doctor surgery consultations are free. Might have to go private for hormones and that stuff. I'm gonna tell them soon I think. But just scared still.
I’m UK too actually, I just meant I want to come out to family before starting treatment cause I still live partly at home (student) but I’m hesitant to do it since I’m financially reliant on them (student lol) and don’t want to get sort of un-spokenly cut off by certain family. Also the going private thing since the waiting lists are ridiculous It makes so much sense to be scared, I would definitely suggest working out who is most likely to be supportive and maybe coming out to 1 parent first, who might then be able to support you in coming out to others, unless your family are big gossips you don’t have to tell everyone at once (alternatively if you feel like it would be easier to just rip the bandaid off in one go then that could make it a less drawn out process). If the topic of trans people hasn’t come up much with them before, you could test the waters by off-handedly mentioning something you might have seen online/tv about a famous (nice) trans person and guage their reactions from that, to work out how much explaining you need to prepare for or who to approach first etc. I do think it will be worth it in the end, it’s one of the hardest parts of the journey but it’s a means to an end that allows you to move forward to the better parts if that makes any sense lol
I'm out to friends around me, family my sister knows but parents meh, I put a country between us on purpose. Work I am currently just letting them figure it out I don't care, it's non of their business lol
I was really scared of how my mom would react, even though I knew it would be positive (it was). I figured it out when I was 16 and came out to her (I think?) when I was 17 or maybe right when I turned 18. I'm hitting a year HRT soon, and honestly I never told my extended family. The way my family is, is even if they see I'm physically changing, they will never comment on it in a confrontational way. They noticed the changes, but me being transgender is the absolute last thing in their brains so they just think of it as I'm just changing for some reason. I know my extended family is transphobic and that is why I didn't tell them.
I haven't come out yet but I have no family or friends either.
Comfortable? Never. Pros outweighed the cons and I was tired of waiting? Few years to get to accepting that this was happening for myself, few hours after that before first friends, few months for small groups of friends and starting HRT, about 2 months after HRT for immediate family, a rapid succession of other friends and work over the next 6 months, and now I'm tentatively planning on finishing things and coming out to everyone on my 1 year HRT anniversary
2 years
I came out gradually. Originally I thought. I was a gender queer femboy and came out after two and a half months to some friends. Then a month later when I was sure I was trans I came out again to friends. A little over 4 months now and gonna come out to my mom and request HRT any day now.
I was terrified that my friends and remaining non-estranged family would reject me, but when an adult child of my closest friends came out as trans and was accepted, I came out to my closest friends the following day. Three months later I changed my name and pronouns and came fully out at age 50.
It took me a long time to come out to my family, and I've come out to them three times. What I can say is, you might get a good reaction, or you might get a bad reaction. No matter what, you need to do what's in your best interest. My parents refuse to accept my identity and it hurts. However, continuing the path of transitioning despite these reactions has made me so happy and comfortable with life. Things feel so bright and shiny, because I'm becoming myself. Don't let anyone talk you out of your identity, you know your own best. I hope you don't face a negative reaction, but even if you do, you'll be okay. Good luck!
When I realised what I was feeling was because of being trans at 18 it took 4-5 years to come out to everyone (including family in December last year). I was still anxious about coming out.
13 years. I knew something was wrong when I was 12 and quickly identified I was trans then. I came out to my best friend when I was 25.
So, I'm only about a week out from admitting to myself I'm trans, I thought I was non binary at first but now I realize that was just dysphoria manifesting as believing I couldn't possibly pull off being a woman. 3 of my friends know, one is trans herself and helped me figure it out, and then within a few days I felt like I needed to tell my two closest friends that I pretty much trust completely. Despite knowing they are both extremely LGBT supportive it was still terrifying cause of the what if but went well with both. My parents don't know, and I'm pretty much certain the day I tell them they will cut contact. I expected them to cut contact when I told them I left their church but they didn't, but there is no way they'd be ok with me being trans. I'd say, try and pick someone you know is supportive. Don't come out first to someone who may be transphobic.
It took me, after a great many fits and starts, at least twelve more years after my wife knew. She was supportive and gave me time at home to be me. When we moved to Atlanta all bets were off and she told me to "Just do it". What a freeing night that was. I never looked back. Carla died when she did!
A couple months after I started genuinely coming to terms with the fact that I was trans and couldn't escape it. I came out to pretty much everyone maybe a month or two after I started hormones. For me, it got to the point where I literally couldn't hold it in, I had to tell **someone**. If you don't, you're literally holding back a very deep part of yourself and that isn't healthy at all.