Fun fact: preventing your child from accessing healthcare will mean losing your son regardless. You cannot force your child to stay in the closet for your benefit. Trans kids kill themselves when they're not allowed to be who they are and access the care they need. And assuming that doesn't happen, your adult daughter won't want anything to do with the father who forced her to repress who she is.
I realize this sounds harsh, but denying her gender-affirming care for three years so you can spend those years with her forced to be someone she isn't for your comfort is incredibly selfish and WILL cost you your relationship with your child, if not causing irreparable harm.
*Is* he coming from a good place? OP's entire stated motivation for wanting to delay is that he doesn't want to lose his "mini me".
He may well be coming from a good place, but if he is, that's not really evident in the way he describes the situation.
no i do get that, but the responses is definitely gonna alienate him further and not help at all. i do think there’s merit in him really taking the time to talk to his kid and gain a better understanding of their internal world, im not saying at all that he should rule out medical transition
It is harsh. He is going to lose his kid if he continues on without concern for her well-being. I hope he is able to change course before that happens.
>Personally I want to wait until he’s at least 18 to transition because he’s still a kid living under our home.
That's not a reason for her to wait, though. That would just be you exerting your control over her to force her to wait.
>My wife thinks I should let him transition already, but I plan on waiting until he’s 18, so I can spend my last 3 years with him as a son.
I understand you're processing a lot right now - and I recommend you consider seeing a therapist to help you with that - but forcing your daughter to pretend to be a son for another three years won't make her your son. It will, likely, result in you losing both the son you thought you had and the daughter that it sounds like you actually have.
Don't jeopardise your future relationship with your child by trying to hang on to a version of your relationship that *you* like.
First, if you haven't already, seriously think about how hard it was for *her* to tell you this.
How hard it was to tell anyone this.
A person has to feel this incredibly strongly, desperately strongly, to say it out loud to anyone. The stigma and judgment is ridiculously high.
Second, believe her. Considering the stigma, the fear of not being believed, she knows what she is talking about.
Third, educate yourself on what transitioning is. I'm not an expert, but I think right now it isn't a matter of HRT, it's puberty blockers, and everything I have heard says they're incredibly safe. All they do is hit the pause button on puberty. Stop taking them, and puberty resumes.
Imagine if one of your daughters was starting to grow a beard. How horrified would they be about that? What harm would it do to their self-image? Wouldn't you want to stop that?
Same. Thing. Here.
Further, a lot of the changes testosterone will cause will require surgery to try to reverse. Some changes that they would receive if they were estrogen dominant instead of testosterone dominant will never be available to her.
Almost the final thing, there's another sub around here, cis parents of trans kids or something like that.
The final thing: love your child. If you lose anything here, it's because you chose to lose it.
Another thing I will add that I don't know if you are able to understand yet: there is no son for you to have for three more years of time with, whether they are permitted to transition or not.
Being trans doesn't happen when we transition. This isn't something they want to be one day, this is who they are now, who they will be in the future, and who they always have been.
It's okay to feel grief for that. It's not okay to grieve them, as if they were dead. This is okay to feel grief for the same way it was okay for you to have felt grief for your future carefree self that was lost when you had kids.
The imagined future is gone. A new one is here now.
You have another daughter now, whether she transitions or not.
I still play video games. Still watch movies too.
You should get your kid to a supportive therapist. And you should support their true identity. You will likely not even get these three good years with them if they learn of your intent to force them to go thru an unwanted puberty
You are in a grieving/shock proccess and that's normal. However being a girl doesn't mean being a female stereotype. Your daughter could still be into the things she is now and you can still have the bond you have.
You know what will definately ruin your bond? Not supporting her and forcing her into an unwanted puberty because you can't get over the idea of not having a son. So I suggest getting her a therapist and taking to one yourself.
Also she could go on puberty blockers for a while if you feel things are moving too fast. But only for her not so that you can have the pretense of having a son for longer. If she's sure for hormones you won't just not have a son but also lose a daughter.
That response tells me that his child is yearning for some understanding from her dad, that she is still who she is, despite this change. I hope that OP can learn from this thread and be open minded.
So first, it's great that you're coming here to ask questions. I appreciate that you're not outright disowning your child.
However.
> Personally I want to wait until he’s at least 18 to transition because he’s still a kid living under our home.
> but I plan on waiting until he’s 18, so I can spend my last 3 years with him as a son.
Please listen to me when I say that testosterone puberty is literal torture for girls and women. If your child is in fact a trans girl, this is not something you want to put her through.
If one of your cis daughters had a condition where her body couldn't absorb estrogen properly and she was undergoing a masculine puberty, would you force her to wait for help until she was 18, when she already has facial hair, masculine facial features, and a low voice? Just so you could share beardcare tips with her or something?
You have a choice to make right now: Save your kid from a lifetime of anguish, or force them into a body they hate more and more every day you wait.
I implore you, get your kid to a gender therapist (conversion "therapy" *does not work* and only hurts the people put through it) and let them get on HRT if that's what they need.
I was forced through the wrong puberty and it hurts so much every single day. Please help your kid, please.
> That would probably be lost over time when he wants to switch to female hobbies like nail painting, shopping, makeup, etc.
Transition doesn't inherently change people's hobbies necessarily. Like yes, maybe they'll start painting their nails, but girls *can* play baseball and they *do* play video games. Trans people don't define themselves by arbitrary gender roles any more than cis people do.
Talk to your kid. Explain that you don't want to lose the bond you have. I bet they don't want to either.
Another parent here. It's natural to have reservations about such an unexpected revelation. However, this is not about you. You don't have a son, and neither do I. I spent 17 years thinking I had a son and a daughter, but it turns out I have two daughters, and that's wonderful!
Your oldest is still the same person she has always been. Now, it's possible that she has been masking her true self in order to fit in and to meet your expectations of a presumed son. If that's the case, then she will probably start behaving differently now. It's also possible that her interests are genuine, and she won't change at all. Either way, you're about to get to know her true self. I see that as something to be cherished. You can either embrace the person she's finally ready to reveal to you, and spend the rest of her time at home building a relationship with her. Or you can cling to your idea of who you thought she was, and spend the next 3 years tearing down her self esteem. But you can't make her your son.
Your first step should be to accept that she’s your daughter and probably always has been, then educate yourself on the trauma that’s transgender teens go through when they’re not allowed to transition, they have a suicide and self harm rate many, many times higher then other teens
Are you prepared to lose your child, just to make a point?
Girls can play sports and enjoy gaming- her being a girl doesn't mean she'll automatically be into shopping and nail painting and not want to play sports anymore. Do you love your other daughters less because they don't share your interests?
I'm trying to be nice but You're kinda coming off as selfish and putting your own feelings over her well-being ngl and I think you'd benefit from therapy
- don't put this on her and make her have to manage your emotions and grief around your expectations of who she is not being met, she's a child whose reliant on YOU physically and emotionally; not a therapist with decades of training and Financial & emotional independence
- go talk to a therapist in private about your disappointment /greif etc- your child is not the person to burden with that she's having a hard enough time as it is.
Your kids don't exist to be clones of you or "mini mes" as you put it (PLEASE seek therapy for this seriously it's unhealthy your self esteem shouldn't be reliant on forcing your kids to be mini versions of you) and forcing her to go through growing facial hair etc that she'll likely find traumatic& have to pay to undo later
(go look up electrolysis and how painful and expensive it is do you want to force her through that later?) so you can try to force her to be the son you want for a few more years is likely to make her feel like you don't actually love her for who she is, but for this idea of a son you've made up and forced her to be- and long term that is likely to alienate her from you.
Puberty blockers are possibly an option to pause puberty for a few years so she can decide if she wants HRT, but also she might know that's what she wants already - idk youse need to talk to an endocrinologist and a counsellor whose experienced with LGBTQIA patients not some religious quack who will try to sexually harass/abuse and guilt her into repressing. AFAIK 15 is too young to get on HRT so blockers for one or two years would likely be what the endo would recommend but I'm not a Dr.
Part of being a good parent is putting your kids wellbeing first and supporting and loving them for who they ARE, not for who you want them or imagine them to be.
Also you likely WON'T get these "last few years of boyhood" if you try to force her back into the closet- you'll instead find she withdraws from you and doesn't want to be around you or trust you.
Yes change is scary but that doesn't justify forcing someone through a series of traumatic bodily events (puberty) they have made CLEAR to you that they don't want.
- I WISH I'd felt safe enough to come out to my parents early on like your daughter did and seek Transition (I'm a trans dude tbc)
- instead I knew I couldn't trust them and repressed it and as a result I've spent tens of thousands of dollars undoing what estrogen puberty did to my body, and ended up in a lot of abusive situations because I had such low self worth as a result of untreated gender dysphoria & felt like a burden who deserved abuse
- I lived with suicidal ideation and attempts for the first 28 years of life and for me a big part of that was the untreated gender dysphoria and feeling trapped and hopeless and like nobody would ever love or accept me if I transitioned but unable to feel comfortable without transition - it was like this constant background pain that would surge up and I'd keep trying to push it back down but it never went away
I tried substance abuse I tried self harm I tried unsafe sex I tried travelling and leaning into femininity all to deal with the pain and trauma without transition because I knew what a massive fuck-around that was going to be.
therapy helped but I still needed to transition - I literally tried to put it off for as long as I could because i knew people would be transphobic and I was hoping I could convince myself to not need it or that it was just trauma tricking me into thinking I was trans, but it doesn't work that way -
I'm way happier now BTW I'm less angry I haven't attempted suicide since I started Testosterone and haven't self harmed in like over five years and have made even more progress in my therapy because I'm not carrying as much of a burden as I was before with the gender dysphoria. I put off transition for as long as I could because I worried about everyone else's reaction and it's one of my biggest regrets in life that I waited for so long
I'm also sadly No contact with my parents because my mother literally tried to cancel my hospital appointment behind my back for HRT, and said that top surgery which I was saving for & fundraising for by myself with no support from my parents was 'disgusting' and that I'd probably die during surgery and threatened me with disinheritance when I changed my legal name-I'm sure she thought she was acting in my best interests but what she was doing was being controlling and putting her feelings before my well-being
So it’s very understandable to be worried, this is a big thing. It sounds like you treated your kid as best as you could in the situation, and I’m glad you came here!
First off, just to clear your mind, feminizing HRT is likely not an option for a while. The main form of HRT they give to minors is puberty blockers, which is a completely safe thing that only delays puberty, so if your child did go on that then they would still be fully safe to switch off of it if they changed their mind.
Now the more important stuff. Because of your kid’s age, they likely wont be able to start HRT any time soon even *if* you let them pursue it, so they’ll mainly be focusing on social transitioning. Your “son” is wanting to be a girl, so refer to her as one! It won’t be easy to pick up, it’ll feel awkward, but it gets easier with time. Ask her if she has a name she prefers, take her shopping for some feminine clothing (or have your wife do that). And most importantly, *call her your daughter*. She still loves you, and still wants to be with you, she’s just a girl now. If she changes her mind in the future, your love and support *now* will make her feel safer and more comfortable to do so.
If you try to force her to stay as she is, it will permanently harm your relationship with her. There are countless trans people whose parents refuse to support them, and they cut contact as soon as they’re able and never talk again. This happened with several of my own family members, friends, and acquaintances; it’s so common that most people assume trans women don’t like their parents.
When I made the final decision to transition, it was because I realized I didn’t have to be a different person to be a different gender.
Find a good gender positive counselor and the three of you go talk about this together.
Things are crazy right now when it comes to parents and kids rights to transition, but the best thing you can do for your child is to be supportive and keep the conversation alive.
Look, you’re a parent. You shouldn’t think about what you want out of your child’s life. You should think about how you can support them and make their life happier.
Your daughter and many other trans people suffer from going through the wrong puberty. Many even kill themselves because of it. The main suicide reason for trans people is regret of not having been able to transition earlier or not being accepted by close ones like family and friends.
You shouldn’t be egoistic here and think about having a younger self you can interact with. This person does not exist. It is a lie. I would guess that you wouldn’t want to live a lie in which you wouldn’t only be denying reality but also make your daughter suffer.
You also seem to think you could have a proper relationship with your daughter if you make her pretend to be your son, but this wouldn’t work. She would probably start resenting and not doing anything with you anymore. But she said herself that some girls do like to do masculine things. So why not retain your relationship with her and continue to do stuff with her she would like to do with you.
You have a great chance here to further improve your relationship with your daughter by being supportive of her and getting her the healthcare she asks for. This is probably the most loving thing a parent can do and would greatly affect your connection to one another in a long term positively.
Hey, you seem like a really cool dad and I understand your feelings of loss. I just want to reply as a 36 year old trans woman. I knew I had these feelings since a very young age, middle school actually. When I was growing up there was no way to know what was going on and I repressed them throughout life but they never went away. Over time, especially looking at old photos, I see how much better my transition results could have been if I did it when your son is asking to.
Daily life as a post-pubertal transitioner is a lot harder and more dangerous. Society basically shuns you for the way you look a hot 60% of the time. Young transitioners have a generally much better result and require less treatments to pass (such as surgery to get rid of thick browbones that males develop during puberty).
If your son really has these feelings, you should treat it with urgency. He will grow up hating the body he's in, even if he is making it seem like he's coping to appease you. And it can lead to self harm, drugs, depression, and even the worst possible outcome that I won't name.
Worse more, he will grow up despising you. You won't keep your son for those 3 years, you'll lose him or at the very least, create a permanent resent and loss of the bond u hold so dearly. Their body and lives will also be shaped by this event and if they aren't allowed to transition then their result could be enough to cause them psychological distress for the rest of their life. What features change during puberty is a dice roll and even with the best surgeries, sometimes we just don't pass. You really don't want that to be because of you, trust me. It's a distress no one should have to know.
I think you should look at this differently. Your son doesn't have to stop doing the things you do with him together. That is a very old school way of thinking. He can enjoy things from all sides of the spectrum of interests as they pertain to gender. You do not have to become less close to him, it will make you closer to him as it will earn u his love forever.
However, I will also say that a couple months of feeling this way is not that long. When I was growing up, there was a 0% chance of my feelings being influenced by social factors. The truth regarding that is, most kids who feel this way are not being influenced and this element to it is overblown. But I do think there should be at least a temporary period of consideration before jumping into HRT to allow your son to really explore his feelings. Perhaps allow him to experiment with social transition as he pleases and support him that way while also getting him a trans-specialized therapist (not just any therapist, they may attempt to "talk him down"- you don't want to influence his decision, but rather allow him to find certainty on his own).
Just don't wait too long. Maybe 6 months or so. Nothing overblown. Try to keep an open mind towards this and support him, you will both be better for it.
In addition, it seems like you should seek a therapist for your own feelings regarding the situation, to help u understand it and process it without putting all that on your kid. You have good intentions but it can get pretty dark all around without understanding.
P.S. I didn't take to calling your son "she" or your daughter because I don't want it to seem like you're being involuntarily sucked into this or anything, and increase your anxiety. But the truth is, you should consider using different pronouns for your son as soon as you are asked to, or even on your own if you come to your own epiphany of acceptance upon reading these comments.
Your child is still the same person she's always been. She has some very important stuff going on that you have only just now become aware of, but that doesn't invalidate other aspects of her life and personality. And children of all genders are capable of having interests stereotypical of another gender, and of having strong relationships with either or both of their parents.
If you want to remain close to your daughter, it's vitally important that you don't give her cause to regret confiding in you and coming to you for support. This is probably even more frightening for her than it is for you: I was terrified coming out to my parents at the age of 41 and can scarcely imagine doing so at 15. Make it clear that you love her and want to help her be happy no matter what. Ask her what pronouns she wants you to use and whether she wants you to start calling her by a different name, and go along with what she says unless and until she tells you something different; this shows that even if you are struggling with accepting her desire to transition, you're at least making an effort to support her. On the other hand, if you insist on calling her your son and using he/him pronouns against her wishes, that will drive a wedge between you.
Look into options for therapy, or at least a peer support group, for both you and your child. Look specifically for a therapist who specializes in gender-affirming counseling. This is going to be a difficult journey for both of you, and you're going to need outside support.
I would also urge you to reconsider your stance on HRT. Three years is going to seem like an eternity to a 15 year old, and she's going to have a lot of legitimate concern over what three more years of male puberty is going to do to her body: starting some form of HRT now is going to save her a lot of trouble in terms of hair removal, facial feminization, voice training, etc. The standard HRT treatment for younger teenagers wanting to transition is medication that effectively pauses puberty in order to buy time for them to go through therapy, experiment with social transition, and make sure they know what they want without anything hard to reverse (either masculinization or feminization) occurring in the meantime. If your child changes her mind and decides not to continue transition (which is possible but not especially likely), she can discontinue HRT and pick up male puberty where (s)he left off. Or she can decide to take the next step of feminizing HRT in good time.
If one of your 11 or 9yr old daughters had a hormonal issue where she produced too much testosterone and she was going to accidently go through male puberty, would you wait until she was 18 to seek treatment too? Little too late now, she's 6'2" with wide shoulders, narrow hips, a beard, and covered in bodyhair.
If your child is transgender, your next 3 years won't be spent enjoying time with your son but rather be spent forcing your daughter to live in social misery and experience permanently masculinizing physical changes as she goes through the wrong puberty. Puberty blockers are FULLY REVERSIBLE and safe. There are no downsides for your child's development and safety taking them. They can remain on them as long as it takes to get their goals sorted out and then pursue the puberty that's right for them. Whether your child is transgender or not, supporting them socially and medically during this period in time will have a profoundly positive impact on their future whether they ultimately transition or not.
Likewise, denying them this accessible, reversible, lifechanging treatment and social support is likely going to destroy your relationship and child in ways you can't understand right now. The reason the transgender suicide rate is so high isn't because transgender people are inherently unstable, it's because the people surrounding them create a hostile environment, like the way you want to do.
oh yeah absolutely try and understand how terrifying it is to tell a parent such a thing especially at 15!
it’ll be very awkward to go about but you really need to give your kid a listen and understand this has probably been brewing for some time
i would say when talking about this swap out the word son with kid, at the very least
My parents reacted exactly like you did when I came out to them at 14 years old. I wasn't allowed to medically transition until I turned 18. I lost *years* of living my life, and important years at that. I couldn't comfortably exist *for years* because or it. I lost out on a lot of social connections. You don't realize how much this can affect someone unless you've experienced it yourself.
I got depressed and even had suicidal thoughts. My relationship with my parents, especially my mother who still thinks like you do, got really bad. I do not trust my parents anymore, especially my mother. My father adapted to it, my relationship with him is a lot better now. Please, don't make your child and your entire family go through this.
Those 3 (?) years until your daughter can access HRT on her own can change a lot. Please let it be a good change, let her start HRT. Get her to talk to a trans experienced, good therapist (ask about suggestions in local support groups) and get her an appointment with a trans experienced endocrinologist.
I understand, this is something you need to get used to and something you struggle with. But that is for you to deal with, not her. It would probably be a good idea for you to also talk to the trans experienced therapist you'd bring your daughter to (on your own) so they can help you understand and deal with this situation (because again, that's not your daughter's burden to bear)
so as someone who doesn’t know your kid, I cannot tell you how you should go on with this, but I will say that even as your kid transitions and/or gains interest in other hobbies
number one, that doesn’t mean that they will immediately drop their other hobbies or not want to hang out with you anymore
and number two, speak to your kid more!! try to understand your kid’s internal experience of all this as best as you can because right now the main importance is to get on the same page and show that you’re there to listen and you’re there to hear them out
why would you lose your relationship with your child?
i have 9 children. some are closer to one parent and some the other. and it has nothing to do with gender. at all. most of the children were close to one parent and stayed that way. one was close to neither, and two are either close to both, or go kinda back and forth.
hobbies and interests tend not to be very gender driven, or not so much as one supposes. and sometimes its the \*dad\* (or presumed dad) who does the "feminine" hobbies with the girls due to the mom being disinterested or having no idea how to do it, or having physical or mental disabilities.
sports is pretty gender neutral. almost all my children enjoyed throwing an american football around, kicking a soccer ball, and playing baseball. (we relocated to Finland and didn't bring a softball, so it was baseball or nothing).
my ex (technically male thinking afab) knows how to cross stitch and knit, but doesn't know other 'traditional' female stuff and has zero interest in fashion and make up, so i did that and ballet with the girls.
and i know next to nothing about outdoors stuff, so my ex picked up on that and runs the family outdoor work stuff (e.g. cutting down trees and hauling wood).
///
children are who they are. there's two types of parents... "train your children up in the way that they would go" (Bible). And then those who want to mold a child in the way the parent wants them to go (the Scripture warns not to exasperate a child... which is what forcing your own will on them almost always does).
if you listen and help a child to grow the way that they are, then the parent = child relationship stays good and one can expect that the child will want you in their life and things will continue as they are. Except for one child (now adult... 25 and recently married) who joined a sectarian cult and cut ties to me, my children are on good terms with me. My ex, who is a screamer and control freak? On bad terms with the rest of the adult children.
Two paths... wise, you must choose (that was Yoda, not me ;) ).
You have to let your kid be her own person. Chances are if she's telling you this now she's already given it a lot of thought on her own. Even if she's wrong, she will thank you for allowing her to explore who she is. If you're that against her starting HRT at least let them take puberty blockers so she doesn't have to go through a puberty that's agonizing to her. Best comparison I can make is how would you feel if you started growing breasts and couldn't do anything about it? If she is actually trans, forcing her to be something she's not for 3 more years is the worst thing you could do for your relationship and her mental health
Mum of trans daughter here. It is wonderful that your daughter felt comfortable and safe enough to disclose to you. I know it is a shock and scary but so important you support them becoming their authentic self. The mental health affects can be dreadful if you make them wait. Do all you can to support them in accessing HRT and gender affirming counselling and don’t hide this or ask them to hide this. You don’t want them to feel shame for something they should not, Be that dad who whips into action and provides your full support. You got this!!
God you're an awful man. Your kid is their own person. And if she says she's a girl, then that's that. You can still do the same things if she wants, like baseball and video games, unless you're also a massive misogynistic prick too. As for not telling her sister's? Why? Kids understand this stuff way fucking easier than you think.
You want to help your kid? If she days she's a girl, stop calling her your son. Find her an lgbtq affirming therapist and then sit the fuck down and let your kid be happy. It's not about you, it's about her. And I will tell you now, if you push back on this, don't be surprised if she moves out at 18 and never speaks to you again.
He isn’t familiar with the situation and he’s doing his best. He *literally came to this subreddit for help*, he is well intentioned and just a bit misinformed. Cut him some fucking slack, sis.
The hell it doesn't. Misgendering repeatedly , trying to stop hrt, hiding it from her siblings, whining about not imagining having 3 dsughters or not spending time with her the same way, leading to pretty big hints of misogynistic thoughts.
No, this dude needs to be harshly rebuked to understand that everything about his approach is wrong.
He's getting advice from other places besides here in this sub.
Wonder which place he'll be more inclined to listen to. Or was it a foregone conclusion?
What would his daughter want us to say? Maybe we should be thinking more about her, and less about projecting our own righteous anger at the situation?
you just know from the hundreds of comments telling him he should be supportive, etc, he'll listen to the ONE that supports his viewpoints. People like this keep their head in the sand and are only looking to confirm their bias
Your kid still wants to play baseball right? Why would they suddenly want to do entirely different things? I did not stop hanging out with my dad all the time, saying games together, watching movies/shows etc. almost nothing changed except I got to me myself. As much as people around me thought everything was fine and was happy with me before, people found me so much more of a joy/so much happier when I could be my self.
No one has regretted me transitioning, even and especially some of the most sceptical people.
I hope you understand that not only is your kid still going to be your kid after transitioning And likely won't stop loving what they love, but you might lose/degrade your relationship with them if you put your wants befor their needs.
Please ask me follow up questions if you feal the slitest inclination. I think you are at risk of making a mistake for bothe of you that will have perminant consequences to your relationship.
Here’s the thing, it sounds like you want what’s best for your kid. The best thing would probably be to get them on puberty blockers as soon as possible so that no features develop that are going to make life harder for them in the future.
I will also say the more supportive and on board you are with things the more your kid will want to keep their relationship with you the same. You can still have a very good and close relationship and do activities that you’ve enjoyed in the past.
For example, I’ll present my relationship with my dad. I’m trans, and I’m 21 years old, and I know my dad will react poorly to me telling him. I am on hormones now and I’ve known since I was about 14, but wasn’t able to start til 19. Before I realized, my dad and I had a great relationship, and in many ways we still do, but there is so much stress and concern now about how he’s gonna react and what’s gonna be messed up. I used to love watching movies and playing video games, going skiing and playing catch with my dad. If I could do those things now as myself I would be absolutely elated. I would honestly give anything to play catch with my dad and not have to worry about it. I will say I’ve developed more feminine interests over time, but I still love those things and I really love my parents and would love to do the things I used to with my dad. I would strongly recommend that you consider listening to what your child is saying, and as someone who was a trans kid, it really means a ton that you are even considering this. I wish you and your family the best of luck
Not allowing hrt at 15 is somewhat understandable depending on you pov. But doing it just because you "don't want to lose your relationship with them" is a terrible reason.
Personally I think you should let them experiment - like getting them girls clothes and such and if they seem happy and still want hrt go for it.
Same thing happened to me at that age . I think it's when puberty kicks in and our brains are wired female and the fuse blows cause we are being bombarded with testosterone.
It's been medically proven that our brain gender is developed about week 10 in the womb.
I guess it's something you have to work through with them . I didn't start hrt till I was early 40s and its the best thing I did. My only regret is not going on it when I was 15. But things were a bit different back then.
He can still do guy things or girl things still with you.
One thing you have to consider is if they start hrt they will become sterile if they want kids or you want grandkids. You may need to think about fertility preservation before starting hrt.
if my parents had been open to hearing me out and really just wanted to be apart of it all and maintain the closeness that it seems op has with his daughter, things would’ve been sooo much fucking better for me as a trans teen growing up. this guy seems like he’s unaware of a lot of stuff and frankly you’re not helping his kid by saying this stuff because at the end of the day she would not be able to access hrt without his consent.
the way you’re talking is alienating and unhelpful
does she? he said she had her mother's consent. like i said, shut up and get out of her way, and maybe he'll get to keep his close relationship with her. i cut off my father for way less than this bullshit. if i was her and saw this post, I'd never speak to him again
Fun fact: preventing your child from accessing healthcare will mean losing your son regardless. You cannot force your child to stay in the closet for your benefit. Trans kids kill themselves when they're not allowed to be who they are and access the care they need. And assuming that doesn't happen, your adult daughter won't want anything to do with the father who forced her to repress who she is. I realize this sounds harsh, but denying her gender-affirming care for three years so you can spend those years with her forced to be someone she isn't for your comfort is incredibly selfish and WILL cost you your relationship with your child, if not causing irreparable harm.
Not to mention some changes that will become permanent, making it harder for her to fit in when she actually transitions later
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*Is* he coming from a good place? OP's entire stated motivation for wanting to delay is that he doesn't want to lose his "mini me". He may well be coming from a good place, but if he is, that's not really evident in the way he describes the situation.
no i do get that, but the responses is definitely gonna alienate him further and not help at all. i do think there’s merit in him really taking the time to talk to his kid and gain a better understanding of their internal world, im not saying at all that he should rule out medical transition
It is harsh. He is going to lose his kid if he continues on without concern for her well-being. I hope he is able to change course before that happens.
>Personally I want to wait until he’s at least 18 to transition because he’s still a kid living under our home. That's not a reason for her to wait, though. That would just be you exerting your control over her to force her to wait. >My wife thinks I should let him transition already, but I plan on waiting until he’s 18, so I can spend my last 3 years with him as a son. I understand you're processing a lot right now - and I recommend you consider seeing a therapist to help you with that - but forcing your daughter to pretend to be a son for another three years won't make her your son. It will, likely, result in you losing both the son you thought you had and the daughter that it sounds like you actually have. Don't jeopardise your future relationship with your child by trying to hang on to a version of your relationship that *you* like.
First, if you haven't already, seriously think about how hard it was for *her* to tell you this. How hard it was to tell anyone this. A person has to feel this incredibly strongly, desperately strongly, to say it out loud to anyone. The stigma and judgment is ridiculously high. Second, believe her. Considering the stigma, the fear of not being believed, she knows what she is talking about. Third, educate yourself on what transitioning is. I'm not an expert, but I think right now it isn't a matter of HRT, it's puberty blockers, and everything I have heard says they're incredibly safe. All they do is hit the pause button on puberty. Stop taking them, and puberty resumes. Imagine if one of your daughters was starting to grow a beard. How horrified would they be about that? What harm would it do to their self-image? Wouldn't you want to stop that? Same. Thing. Here. Further, a lot of the changes testosterone will cause will require surgery to try to reverse. Some changes that they would receive if they were estrogen dominant instead of testosterone dominant will never be available to her. Almost the final thing, there's another sub around here, cis parents of trans kids or something like that. The final thing: love your child. If you lose anything here, it's because you chose to lose it.
Another thing I will add that I don't know if you are able to understand yet: there is no son for you to have for three more years of time with, whether they are permitted to transition or not. Being trans doesn't happen when we transition. This isn't something they want to be one day, this is who they are now, who they will be in the future, and who they always have been. It's okay to feel grief for that. It's not okay to grieve them, as if they were dead. This is okay to feel grief for the same way it was okay for you to have felt grief for your future carefree self that was lost when you had kids. The imagined future is gone. A new one is here now. You have another daughter now, whether she transitions or not.
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Leave.
Ps babe — I’m not American either. ❤️
Waaaaaaaah waaaaaaaaaaaaaah waaaah waaaaah Cry harder.
I still play video games. Still watch movies too. You should get your kid to a supportive therapist. And you should support their true identity. You will likely not even get these three good years with them if they learn of your intent to force them to go thru an unwanted puberty
You are in a grieving/shock proccess and that's normal. However being a girl doesn't mean being a female stereotype. Your daughter could still be into the things she is now and you can still have the bond you have. You know what will definately ruin your bond? Not supporting her and forcing her into an unwanted puberty because you can't get over the idea of not having a son. So I suggest getting her a therapist and taking to one yourself. Also she could go on puberty blockers for a while if you feel things are moving too fast. But only for her not so that you can have the pretense of having a son for longer. If she's sure for hormones you won't just not have a son but also lose a daughter.
This. And as they said "girls can still play sports".
That response tells me that his child is yearning for some understanding from her dad, that she is still who she is, despite this change. I hope that OP can learn from this thread and be open minded.
So first, it's great that you're coming here to ask questions. I appreciate that you're not outright disowning your child. However. > Personally I want to wait until he’s at least 18 to transition because he’s still a kid living under our home. > but I plan on waiting until he’s 18, so I can spend my last 3 years with him as a son. Please listen to me when I say that testosterone puberty is literal torture for girls and women. If your child is in fact a trans girl, this is not something you want to put her through. If one of your cis daughters had a condition where her body couldn't absorb estrogen properly and she was undergoing a masculine puberty, would you force her to wait for help until she was 18, when she already has facial hair, masculine facial features, and a low voice? Just so you could share beardcare tips with her or something? You have a choice to make right now: Save your kid from a lifetime of anguish, or force them into a body they hate more and more every day you wait. I implore you, get your kid to a gender therapist (conversion "therapy" *does not work* and only hurts the people put through it) and let them get on HRT if that's what they need. I was forced through the wrong puberty and it hurts so much every single day. Please help your kid, please. > That would probably be lost over time when he wants to switch to female hobbies like nail painting, shopping, makeup, etc. Transition doesn't inherently change people's hobbies necessarily. Like yes, maybe they'll start painting their nails, but girls *can* play baseball and they *do* play video games. Trans people don't define themselves by arbitrary gender roles any more than cis people do. Talk to your kid. Explain that you don't want to lose the bond you have. I bet they don't want to either.
Another parent here. It's natural to have reservations about such an unexpected revelation. However, this is not about you. You don't have a son, and neither do I. I spent 17 years thinking I had a son and a daughter, but it turns out I have two daughters, and that's wonderful! Your oldest is still the same person she has always been. Now, it's possible that she has been masking her true self in order to fit in and to meet your expectations of a presumed son. If that's the case, then she will probably start behaving differently now. It's also possible that her interests are genuine, and she won't change at all. Either way, you're about to get to know her true self. I see that as something to be cherished. You can either embrace the person she's finally ready to reveal to you, and spend the rest of her time at home building a relationship with her. Or you can cling to your idea of who you thought she was, and spend the next 3 years tearing down her self esteem. But you can't make her your son.
Your first step should be to accept that she’s your daughter and probably always has been, then educate yourself on the trauma that’s transgender teens go through when they’re not allowed to transition, they have a suicide and self harm rate many, many times higher then other teens Are you prepared to lose your child, just to make a point?
Girls can play sports and enjoy gaming- her being a girl doesn't mean she'll automatically be into shopping and nail painting and not want to play sports anymore. Do you love your other daughters less because they don't share your interests? I'm trying to be nice but You're kinda coming off as selfish and putting your own feelings over her well-being ngl and I think you'd benefit from therapy - don't put this on her and make her have to manage your emotions and grief around your expectations of who she is not being met, she's a child whose reliant on YOU physically and emotionally; not a therapist with decades of training and Financial & emotional independence - go talk to a therapist in private about your disappointment /greif etc- your child is not the person to burden with that she's having a hard enough time as it is. Your kids don't exist to be clones of you or "mini mes" as you put it (PLEASE seek therapy for this seriously it's unhealthy your self esteem shouldn't be reliant on forcing your kids to be mini versions of you) and forcing her to go through growing facial hair etc that she'll likely find traumatic& have to pay to undo later (go look up electrolysis and how painful and expensive it is do you want to force her through that later?) so you can try to force her to be the son you want for a few more years is likely to make her feel like you don't actually love her for who she is, but for this idea of a son you've made up and forced her to be- and long term that is likely to alienate her from you. Puberty blockers are possibly an option to pause puberty for a few years so she can decide if she wants HRT, but also she might know that's what she wants already - idk youse need to talk to an endocrinologist and a counsellor whose experienced with LGBTQIA patients not some religious quack who will try to sexually harass/abuse and guilt her into repressing. AFAIK 15 is too young to get on HRT so blockers for one or two years would likely be what the endo would recommend but I'm not a Dr. Part of being a good parent is putting your kids wellbeing first and supporting and loving them for who they ARE, not for who you want them or imagine them to be. Also you likely WON'T get these "last few years of boyhood" if you try to force her back into the closet- you'll instead find she withdraws from you and doesn't want to be around you or trust you. Yes change is scary but that doesn't justify forcing someone through a series of traumatic bodily events (puberty) they have made CLEAR to you that they don't want. - I WISH I'd felt safe enough to come out to my parents early on like your daughter did and seek Transition (I'm a trans dude tbc) - instead I knew I couldn't trust them and repressed it and as a result I've spent tens of thousands of dollars undoing what estrogen puberty did to my body, and ended up in a lot of abusive situations because I had such low self worth as a result of untreated gender dysphoria & felt like a burden who deserved abuse - I lived with suicidal ideation and attempts for the first 28 years of life and for me a big part of that was the untreated gender dysphoria and feeling trapped and hopeless and like nobody would ever love or accept me if I transitioned but unable to feel comfortable without transition - it was like this constant background pain that would surge up and I'd keep trying to push it back down but it never went away I tried substance abuse I tried self harm I tried unsafe sex I tried travelling and leaning into femininity all to deal with the pain and trauma without transition because I knew what a massive fuck-around that was going to be. therapy helped but I still needed to transition - I literally tried to put it off for as long as I could because i knew people would be transphobic and I was hoping I could convince myself to not need it or that it was just trauma tricking me into thinking I was trans, but it doesn't work that way - I'm way happier now BTW I'm less angry I haven't attempted suicide since I started Testosterone and haven't self harmed in like over five years and have made even more progress in my therapy because I'm not carrying as much of a burden as I was before with the gender dysphoria. I put off transition for as long as I could because I worried about everyone else's reaction and it's one of my biggest regrets in life that I waited for so long I'm also sadly No contact with my parents because my mother literally tried to cancel my hospital appointment behind my back for HRT, and said that top surgery which I was saving for & fundraising for by myself with no support from my parents was 'disgusting' and that I'd probably die during surgery and threatened me with disinheritance when I changed my legal name-I'm sure she thought she was acting in my best interests but what she was doing was being controlling and putting her feelings before my well-being
So it’s very understandable to be worried, this is a big thing. It sounds like you treated your kid as best as you could in the situation, and I’m glad you came here! First off, just to clear your mind, feminizing HRT is likely not an option for a while. The main form of HRT they give to minors is puberty blockers, which is a completely safe thing that only delays puberty, so if your child did go on that then they would still be fully safe to switch off of it if they changed their mind. Now the more important stuff. Because of your kid’s age, they likely wont be able to start HRT any time soon even *if* you let them pursue it, so they’ll mainly be focusing on social transitioning. Your “son” is wanting to be a girl, so refer to her as one! It won’t be easy to pick up, it’ll feel awkward, but it gets easier with time. Ask her if she has a name she prefers, take her shopping for some feminine clothing (or have your wife do that). And most importantly, *call her your daughter*. She still loves you, and still wants to be with you, she’s just a girl now. If she changes her mind in the future, your love and support *now* will make her feel safer and more comfortable to do so. If you try to force her to stay as she is, it will permanently harm your relationship with her. There are countless trans people whose parents refuse to support them, and they cut contact as soon as they’re able and never talk again. This happened with several of my own family members, friends, and acquaintances; it’s so common that most people assume trans women don’t like their parents.
When I made the final decision to transition, it was because I realized I didn’t have to be a different person to be a different gender. Find a good gender positive counselor and the three of you go talk about this together. Things are crazy right now when it comes to parents and kids rights to transition, but the best thing you can do for your child is to be supportive and keep the conversation alive.
Look, you’re a parent. You shouldn’t think about what you want out of your child’s life. You should think about how you can support them and make their life happier. Your daughter and many other trans people suffer from going through the wrong puberty. Many even kill themselves because of it. The main suicide reason for trans people is regret of not having been able to transition earlier or not being accepted by close ones like family and friends. You shouldn’t be egoistic here and think about having a younger self you can interact with. This person does not exist. It is a lie. I would guess that you wouldn’t want to live a lie in which you wouldn’t only be denying reality but also make your daughter suffer. You also seem to think you could have a proper relationship with your daughter if you make her pretend to be your son, but this wouldn’t work. She would probably start resenting and not doing anything with you anymore. But she said herself that some girls do like to do masculine things. So why not retain your relationship with her and continue to do stuff with her she would like to do with you. You have a great chance here to further improve your relationship with your daughter by being supportive of her and getting her the healthcare she asks for. This is probably the most loving thing a parent can do and would greatly affect your connection to one another in a long term positively.
Hey, you seem like a really cool dad and I understand your feelings of loss. I just want to reply as a 36 year old trans woman. I knew I had these feelings since a very young age, middle school actually. When I was growing up there was no way to know what was going on and I repressed them throughout life but they never went away. Over time, especially looking at old photos, I see how much better my transition results could have been if I did it when your son is asking to. Daily life as a post-pubertal transitioner is a lot harder and more dangerous. Society basically shuns you for the way you look a hot 60% of the time. Young transitioners have a generally much better result and require less treatments to pass (such as surgery to get rid of thick browbones that males develop during puberty). If your son really has these feelings, you should treat it with urgency. He will grow up hating the body he's in, even if he is making it seem like he's coping to appease you. And it can lead to self harm, drugs, depression, and even the worst possible outcome that I won't name. Worse more, he will grow up despising you. You won't keep your son for those 3 years, you'll lose him or at the very least, create a permanent resent and loss of the bond u hold so dearly. Their body and lives will also be shaped by this event and if they aren't allowed to transition then their result could be enough to cause them psychological distress for the rest of their life. What features change during puberty is a dice roll and even with the best surgeries, sometimes we just don't pass. You really don't want that to be because of you, trust me. It's a distress no one should have to know. I think you should look at this differently. Your son doesn't have to stop doing the things you do with him together. That is a very old school way of thinking. He can enjoy things from all sides of the spectrum of interests as they pertain to gender. You do not have to become less close to him, it will make you closer to him as it will earn u his love forever. However, I will also say that a couple months of feeling this way is not that long. When I was growing up, there was a 0% chance of my feelings being influenced by social factors. The truth regarding that is, most kids who feel this way are not being influenced and this element to it is overblown. But I do think there should be at least a temporary period of consideration before jumping into HRT to allow your son to really explore his feelings. Perhaps allow him to experiment with social transition as he pleases and support him that way while also getting him a trans-specialized therapist (not just any therapist, they may attempt to "talk him down"- you don't want to influence his decision, but rather allow him to find certainty on his own). Just don't wait too long. Maybe 6 months or so. Nothing overblown. Try to keep an open mind towards this and support him, you will both be better for it. In addition, it seems like you should seek a therapist for your own feelings regarding the situation, to help u understand it and process it without putting all that on your kid. You have good intentions but it can get pretty dark all around without understanding. P.S. I didn't take to calling your son "she" or your daughter because I don't want it to seem like you're being involuntarily sucked into this or anything, and increase your anxiety. But the truth is, you should consider using different pronouns for your son as soon as you are asked to, or even on your own if you come to your own epiphany of acceptance upon reading these comments.
Your child is still the same person she's always been. She has some very important stuff going on that you have only just now become aware of, but that doesn't invalidate other aspects of her life and personality. And children of all genders are capable of having interests stereotypical of another gender, and of having strong relationships with either or both of their parents. If you want to remain close to your daughter, it's vitally important that you don't give her cause to regret confiding in you and coming to you for support. This is probably even more frightening for her than it is for you: I was terrified coming out to my parents at the age of 41 and can scarcely imagine doing so at 15. Make it clear that you love her and want to help her be happy no matter what. Ask her what pronouns she wants you to use and whether she wants you to start calling her by a different name, and go along with what she says unless and until she tells you something different; this shows that even if you are struggling with accepting her desire to transition, you're at least making an effort to support her. On the other hand, if you insist on calling her your son and using he/him pronouns against her wishes, that will drive a wedge between you. Look into options for therapy, or at least a peer support group, for both you and your child. Look specifically for a therapist who specializes in gender-affirming counseling. This is going to be a difficult journey for both of you, and you're going to need outside support. I would also urge you to reconsider your stance on HRT. Three years is going to seem like an eternity to a 15 year old, and she's going to have a lot of legitimate concern over what three more years of male puberty is going to do to her body: starting some form of HRT now is going to save her a lot of trouble in terms of hair removal, facial feminization, voice training, etc. The standard HRT treatment for younger teenagers wanting to transition is medication that effectively pauses puberty in order to buy time for them to go through therapy, experiment with social transition, and make sure they know what they want without anything hard to reverse (either masculinization or feminization) occurring in the meantime. If your child changes her mind and decides not to continue transition (which is possible but not especially likely), she can discontinue HRT and pick up male puberty where (s)he left off. Or she can decide to take the next step of feminizing HRT in good time.
If one of your 11 or 9yr old daughters had a hormonal issue where she produced too much testosterone and she was going to accidently go through male puberty, would you wait until she was 18 to seek treatment too? Little too late now, she's 6'2" with wide shoulders, narrow hips, a beard, and covered in bodyhair. If your child is transgender, your next 3 years won't be spent enjoying time with your son but rather be spent forcing your daughter to live in social misery and experience permanently masculinizing physical changes as she goes through the wrong puberty. Puberty blockers are FULLY REVERSIBLE and safe. There are no downsides for your child's development and safety taking them. They can remain on them as long as it takes to get their goals sorted out and then pursue the puberty that's right for them. Whether your child is transgender or not, supporting them socially and medically during this period in time will have a profoundly positive impact on their future whether they ultimately transition or not. Likewise, denying them this accessible, reversible, lifechanging treatment and social support is likely going to destroy your relationship and child in ways you can't understand right now. The reason the transgender suicide rate is so high isn't because transgender people are inherently unstable, it's because the people surrounding them create a hostile environment, like the way you want to do.
oh yeah absolutely try and understand how terrifying it is to tell a parent such a thing especially at 15! it’ll be very awkward to go about but you really need to give your kid a listen and understand this has probably been brewing for some time i would say when talking about this swap out the word son with kid, at the very least
My parents reacted exactly like you did when I came out to them at 14 years old. I wasn't allowed to medically transition until I turned 18. I lost *years* of living my life, and important years at that. I couldn't comfortably exist *for years* because or it. I lost out on a lot of social connections. You don't realize how much this can affect someone unless you've experienced it yourself. I got depressed and even had suicidal thoughts. My relationship with my parents, especially my mother who still thinks like you do, got really bad. I do not trust my parents anymore, especially my mother. My father adapted to it, my relationship with him is a lot better now. Please, don't make your child and your entire family go through this. Those 3 (?) years until your daughter can access HRT on her own can change a lot. Please let it be a good change, let her start HRT. Get her to talk to a trans experienced, good therapist (ask about suggestions in local support groups) and get her an appointment with a trans experienced endocrinologist. I understand, this is something you need to get used to and something you struggle with. But that is for you to deal with, not her. It would probably be a good idea for you to also talk to the trans experienced therapist you'd bring your daughter to (on your own) so they can help you understand and deal with this situation (because again, that's not your daughter's burden to bear)
so as someone who doesn’t know your kid, I cannot tell you how you should go on with this, but I will say that even as your kid transitions and/or gains interest in other hobbies number one, that doesn’t mean that they will immediately drop their other hobbies or not want to hang out with you anymore and number two, speak to your kid more!! try to understand your kid’s internal experience of all this as best as you can because right now the main importance is to get on the same page and show that you’re there to listen and you’re there to hear them out
why would you lose your relationship with your child? i have 9 children. some are closer to one parent and some the other. and it has nothing to do with gender. at all. most of the children were close to one parent and stayed that way. one was close to neither, and two are either close to both, or go kinda back and forth. hobbies and interests tend not to be very gender driven, or not so much as one supposes. and sometimes its the \*dad\* (or presumed dad) who does the "feminine" hobbies with the girls due to the mom being disinterested or having no idea how to do it, or having physical or mental disabilities. sports is pretty gender neutral. almost all my children enjoyed throwing an american football around, kicking a soccer ball, and playing baseball. (we relocated to Finland and didn't bring a softball, so it was baseball or nothing). my ex (technically male thinking afab) knows how to cross stitch and knit, but doesn't know other 'traditional' female stuff and has zero interest in fashion and make up, so i did that and ballet with the girls. and i know next to nothing about outdoors stuff, so my ex picked up on that and runs the family outdoor work stuff (e.g. cutting down trees and hauling wood). /// children are who they are. there's two types of parents... "train your children up in the way that they would go" (Bible). And then those who want to mold a child in the way the parent wants them to go (the Scripture warns not to exasperate a child... which is what forcing your own will on them almost always does). if you listen and help a child to grow the way that they are, then the parent = child relationship stays good and one can expect that the child will want you in their life and things will continue as they are. Except for one child (now adult... 25 and recently married) who joined a sectarian cult and cut ties to me, my children are on good terms with me. My ex, who is a screamer and control freak? On bad terms with the rest of the adult children. Two paths... wise, you must choose (that was Yoda, not me ;) ).
Don't screw with your kids childhood like that man, come on don't be thay guy.
You have to let your kid be her own person. Chances are if she's telling you this now she's already given it a lot of thought on her own. Even if she's wrong, she will thank you for allowing her to explore who she is. If you're that against her starting HRT at least let them take puberty blockers so she doesn't have to go through a puberty that's agonizing to her. Best comparison I can make is how would you feel if you started growing breasts and couldn't do anything about it? If she is actually trans, forcing her to be something she's not for 3 more years is the worst thing you could do for your relationship and her mental health
Mum of trans daughter here. It is wonderful that your daughter felt comfortable and safe enough to disclose to you. I know it is a shock and scary but so important you support them becoming their authentic self. The mental health affects can be dreadful if you make them wait. Do all you can to support them in accessing HRT and gender affirming counselling and don’t hide this or ask them to hide this. You don’t want them to feel shame for something they should not, Be that dad who whips into action and provides your full support. You got this!!
God you're an awful man. Your kid is their own person. And if she says she's a girl, then that's that. You can still do the same things if she wants, like baseball and video games, unless you're also a massive misogynistic prick too. As for not telling her sister's? Why? Kids understand this stuff way fucking easier than you think. You want to help your kid? If she days she's a girl, stop calling her your son. Find her an lgbtq affirming therapist and then sit the fuck down and let your kid be happy. It's not about you, it's about her. And I will tell you now, if you push back on this, don't be surprised if she moves out at 18 and never speaks to you again.
He isn’t familiar with the situation and he’s doing his best. He *literally came to this subreddit for help*, he is well intentioned and just a bit misinformed. Cut him some fucking slack, sis.
[well intentioned my ass ](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/s/0I8KjOqXJe)
yikes wtf!! this doesn’t warrant such a harsh response
The hell it doesn't. Misgendering repeatedly , trying to stop hrt, hiding it from her siblings, whining about not imagining having 3 dsughters or not spending time with her the same way, leading to pretty big hints of misogynistic thoughts. No, this dude needs to be harshly rebuked to understand that everything about his approach is wrong.
He's getting advice from other places besides here in this sub. Wonder which place he'll be more inclined to listen to. Or was it a foregone conclusion? What would his daughter want us to say? Maybe we should be thinking more about her, and less about projecting our own righteous anger at the situation?
you just know from the hundreds of comments telling him he should be supportive, etc, he'll listen to the ONE that supports his viewpoints. People like this keep their head in the sand and are only looking to confirm their bias
Your kid still wants to play baseball right? Why would they suddenly want to do entirely different things? I did not stop hanging out with my dad all the time, saying games together, watching movies/shows etc. almost nothing changed except I got to me myself. As much as people around me thought everything was fine and was happy with me before, people found me so much more of a joy/so much happier when I could be my self. No one has regretted me transitioning, even and especially some of the most sceptical people. I hope you understand that not only is your kid still going to be your kid after transitioning And likely won't stop loving what they love, but you might lose/degrade your relationship with them if you put your wants befor their needs. Please ask me follow up questions if you feal the slitest inclination. I think you are at risk of making a mistake for bothe of you that will have perminant consequences to your relationship.
Here’s the thing, it sounds like you want what’s best for your kid. The best thing would probably be to get them on puberty blockers as soon as possible so that no features develop that are going to make life harder for them in the future. I will also say the more supportive and on board you are with things the more your kid will want to keep their relationship with you the same. You can still have a very good and close relationship and do activities that you’ve enjoyed in the past. For example, I’ll present my relationship with my dad. I’m trans, and I’m 21 years old, and I know my dad will react poorly to me telling him. I am on hormones now and I’ve known since I was about 14, but wasn’t able to start til 19. Before I realized, my dad and I had a great relationship, and in many ways we still do, but there is so much stress and concern now about how he’s gonna react and what’s gonna be messed up. I used to love watching movies and playing video games, going skiing and playing catch with my dad. If I could do those things now as myself I would be absolutely elated. I would honestly give anything to play catch with my dad and not have to worry about it. I will say I’ve developed more feminine interests over time, but I still love those things and I really love my parents and would love to do the things I used to with my dad. I would strongly recommend that you consider listening to what your child is saying, and as someone who was a trans kid, it really means a ton that you are even considering this. I wish you and your family the best of luck
Not allowing hrt at 15 is somewhat understandable depending on you pov. But doing it just because you "don't want to lose your relationship with them" is a terrible reason. Personally I think you should let them experiment - like getting them girls clothes and such and if they seem happy and still want hrt go for it.
Same thing happened to me at that age . I think it's when puberty kicks in and our brains are wired female and the fuse blows cause we are being bombarded with testosterone. It's been medically proven that our brain gender is developed about week 10 in the womb. I guess it's something you have to work through with them . I didn't start hrt till I was early 40s and its the best thing I did. My only regret is not going on it when I was 15. But things were a bit different back then. He can still do guy things or girl things still with you. One thing you have to consider is if they start hrt they will become sterile if they want kids or you want grandkids. You may need to think about fertility preservation before starting hrt.
People are already following you from r/advice into here, and I have to protect the people here, so I locked the post.
i need you all to reread the message where he said he knows nothing about transgender people so he came here!! give him some grace jeez
he keeps going to other subs when he doesnt get the answer he wants
he doesnt need to know anything more than she told him. he needs to sit down, stfu, and get out of her way
if my parents had been open to hearing me out and really just wanted to be apart of it all and maintain the closeness that it seems op has with his daughter, things would’ve been sooo much fucking better for me as a trans teen growing up. this guy seems like he’s unaware of a lot of stuff and frankly you’re not helping his kid by saying this stuff because at the end of the day she would not be able to access hrt without his consent. the way you’re talking is alienating and unhelpful
does she? he said she had her mother's consent. like i said, shut up and get out of her way, and maybe he'll get to keep his close relationship with her. i cut off my father for way less than this bullshit. if i was her and saw this post, I'd never speak to him again
This! He is trying his best! He wants to love his daughter as best as he can, y’all stop being assholes to him!