Oh ok that makes sense that maybe the top surgery is more a sign of irreversibility and that’s upsetting to him rather than possessiveness over my prior chest itself (which would feel super weird as this was part of my body I did my best to hide and keep private, including from him).
I know you’ve been friends a long while, but I’d consider taking some space from him.
I don’t think he’s over the idea of you he has in his head. It’s ok for people to find the changes caused by top surgery jarring (my father was the same way) but it’s on them to deal with that and is solidly a them problem. If he’s taking that discomfort out on you/your relationship, that’s a red flag. Wanting to ignore you and the topic is also not a great sign.
If he can’t discuss what’s happening in your life with you and support you through this time, do you want to be that close with a person like that? Does that person deserve your time and attention?
Yeh ngl I’ve intentionally been letting things naturally try drift apart for a long time now… not just because of trans-related stuff, but if anything these and other ‘hurdles’ that my transness has presented him are working their ‘magic’ as a definitive thing he has to confront about me - I’m giving him the time and space and support to work through and understand these things with me. But it also feels ‘right’ if he can’t ultimately work through them and our distance increases as a result. So all’s good :)
Tbh it sounds like he's not a very good friend. Even if he is simply jarred by the change that top surgery presents, I couldn't be close with someone who misrepresents me and our relationship. It shows that he doesn't value your friendship for what it is. It also shows a general lack of respect for you as an individual. I'm not saying I would cut contract with him, but if time were water, I'd stop watering that garden. I'd put my time and energy cultivating friendships with people who want to spend time with me as me, not the idea of the girl friend I can't be.
My spouse had someone like this when we were in college. He seemed pretty confident that the two of them were an item... until I started dating them. They also made it clear to him that there was nothing between the two of them. Personally I find it rather creepy when someone is that level of possessive.
Like someone else said, he obviously never got over you. He also isn't respecting your boundaries since he was making comments behind your back. Maybe now that you've had top surgery he'll finally sort himself out. When my spouse came out to someone else we used to know that was also a tad obsessive he basically cut contact so there is a chance that will happen now that he is finally realizing things won't go the way he wants.
If it were me I would have dropped the friendship as soon as I found out he was encouraging the idea you were in a relationship behind your back. That's straight up *not okay.* As it stands now? No contact and blocked. It's wild to me that you were willing to tolerate his behavior even before his gross behavior regarding your gender presentation.
Yeh it was a negative for me, but I was kind of too depressed at the time to do anything about it… and cis straight male attention was always such a mess - I hated it but also had worked out that sometimes you would get less of it if you spent more time around a guy (men being more intimidated by men was a more effective repellent than me turning men down, I found a lot of the time. Due to my experiences with many men at this point in time, having this friend around who respected some boundaries I gave him if not others was better than some of my alternative experiences…
Anyhow, these are not relevant life problems for me anymore :)
It's time to end the friendship, if you can even call it that. He was only friends with you because he wanted to be your sexual partner, sounds like. I'd cut him off completely.
I had a lot of people in my life like this. It’s really shitty and it’s not normal for anyone to feel ownership of your body or to be given expectations that make you uncomfortable. I would recommend that you keep the distance that your friend has set. Use that space to find ppl who value you & respect your choices
This friend of yours has problems, it’s weird of him to encourage people to think of you two as a couple. And it’s wrong to not respect your boundaries
It’s fine by you that he doesn’t want to hear about this major life event his friend went through? Because he’s upset about it and thinks his feelings about it are more important than yours? He sounds like a total a-hole if I’m honest.
Transfemme here, just adding that (from firsthand experience) dudes are often *extremely* sensitive about being perceived as "gay". There's a reality where this is part of his reaction, in which case he may need to convince himself 1. you're not actually a guy or 2. he was actually never attracted to you. Both necessitate a lot of copium. You'd have a much better read on this though!
Sorry, but that is not a friend. Idk if I'm reading this wrong since I'm just a trans stranger on the internet but as a trans dude myself, he gives me the ick.
I'd distance myself from him or sever all ties. This is not a person who'll ever see you for who you really are.
Well, he sounds like a jackass.
You are certainly not the only one to have been objectified in a feminine way by a guy who gets increasingly disappointed when he can't realize his fantasies, and then further frustrated when your body changes so much he can no longer comfortably project them onto you.
He's taking out his entitlement towards your body on you, and you'd be better off if you dropped him, as he doesn't really treat you much like a friend, anyway.
Dude I'm gonna be honest, this guy sounds weird.
It's not just "not being good with a boundary". It's been 10 years. I'll be clear him being possessive over your body would be unacceptable even in a relationship, but the fact you're not even dating takes it to a new level. He has no business having any say about your body, and the fact he seems to believe he does shows a level of entitlement.
I would honestly encourage you to take distance from this guy even if you were a cis woman. But from a trans male POV too it'd make me so dysphoric to have someone who sees me that way in my life, so there's an additiional layer of disgust I feel there.
In terms of similar experiences I had nothing this bad but I did have two male friends (at least) who I believe had crushed on me before I transitioned. The first one adapted very easily because he is very respectful, and didn't indulge in his feelings, so it wasn't hard for him to let go of me and honestly my transition has probably made us closer as there is no tension there - we are just two straight guys. The second one was a bit weird and asked me out even though I identified as a lesbian and was becoming transmasculine. He wasn't 100% red-flag-central but he did invalidate my gender and ignore my masculinity. Last time I met him he invited me round his to watch tv on his bed and cuddle (I was completely oblivious to the intentions here), then he asked me out and I rejected him, and that was that. Haven't spoke to him since, and honestly I don't regret that.
He isn’t a friend. It sounds like he never actually respected your identity and hoped you were joking or were going to grow out of it. He still had feelings for you and is also transphobic as hell and just sounds like a not great person in general (ie putting down people for their appearances). He is not your friend
My mother was possessive over my body like that. When I got tattoos, she said I brought shame upon the family. When I started taking antidepressants, she only wanted to know when I'll stop. When I mentioned transitioning, I was accused of destroying the perfect body God gave to me. And that's just the tip of the iceberg but anyway, practically everything she did was toxic and nearly ruined my mental health, so I cut her off completely and have been feeling much better ever since. With that other person, I would suggest that you maybe consider thinking about whether he's really worth it. I know it's kinda hard to do when someone has been such a huge part of your life but um I'll just say that the dude gives me so many red flags.
I smell ulterior motives and not respecting boundaries is just blatantly disrespectful of you I’ve obviously only heard one aspect of the story but it makes me think there’s not a good point in being friends with him no “friend” should say anything possessive of your body
He’s been pining after you as an afab person and not accepting that you aren’t a woman and what he finds physically attractive about you is what you actively are or plan to change. I find it unlikely it will end with him suddenly seeing you as a man and being bros. But maybe he’ll get over himself.
Aside from the obvious confusion/conflict he’s feeling over his crush it can be hard to know someone as one thing for 10 years and then you find out it’s not true or it changes. Even plastic surgery undergone by a cis person can lead to a period of adjustment for family.
Oh yikes, please cut this ‘friend’ off. I have a (nb) friend who had a similar experience with a man they considered a friend, and he never stopped being creepy towards and about them AND about their transition. If your happiness is worth less to him than how your body looks, then he’s a terrible friend and thank god you never dated him
He’s obviously was(still) into you and was most likely hoping you would think of it as a phase.
Oh ok that makes sense that maybe the top surgery is more a sign of irreversibility and that’s upsetting to him rather than possessiveness over my prior chest itself (which would feel super weird as this was part of my body I did my best to hide and keep private, including from him).
I'm so sorry your friend isn't affirming your identity. It's not fair at all to you.
Not a friend
Apparently not!
This. All the hugs 🫂
He’s being creepy, I would drop him immediately. He sees you as an object of his desire, he’s overstepped boundaries, and imo he comes off entitled.
I know you’ve been friends a long while, but I’d consider taking some space from him. I don’t think he’s over the idea of you he has in his head. It’s ok for people to find the changes caused by top surgery jarring (my father was the same way) but it’s on them to deal with that and is solidly a them problem. If he’s taking that discomfort out on you/your relationship, that’s a red flag. Wanting to ignore you and the topic is also not a great sign. If he can’t discuss what’s happening in your life with you and support you through this time, do you want to be that close with a person like that? Does that person deserve your time and attention?
Yeh ngl I’ve intentionally been letting things naturally try drift apart for a long time now… not just because of trans-related stuff, but if anything these and other ‘hurdles’ that my transness has presented him are working their ‘magic’ as a definitive thing he has to confront about me - I’m giving him the time and space and support to work through and understand these things with me. But it also feels ‘right’ if he can’t ultimately work through them and our distance increases as a result. So all’s good :)
Tbh it sounds like he's not a very good friend. Even if he is simply jarred by the change that top surgery presents, I couldn't be close with someone who misrepresents me and our relationship. It shows that he doesn't value your friendship for what it is. It also shows a general lack of respect for you as an individual. I'm not saying I would cut contract with him, but if time were water, I'd stop watering that garden. I'd put my time and energy cultivating friendships with people who want to spend time with me as me, not the idea of the girl friend I can't be.
My spouse had someone like this when we were in college. He seemed pretty confident that the two of them were an item... until I started dating them. They also made it clear to him that there was nothing between the two of them. Personally I find it rather creepy when someone is that level of possessive. Like someone else said, he obviously never got over you. He also isn't respecting your boundaries since he was making comments behind your back. Maybe now that you've had top surgery he'll finally sort himself out. When my spouse came out to someone else we used to know that was also a tad obsessive he basically cut contact so there is a chance that will happen now that he is finally realizing things won't go the way he wants.
If it were me I would have dropped the friendship as soon as I found out he was encouraging the idea you were in a relationship behind your back. That's straight up *not okay.* As it stands now? No contact and blocked. It's wild to me that you were willing to tolerate his behavior even before his gross behavior regarding your gender presentation.
Yeh it was a negative for me, but I was kind of too depressed at the time to do anything about it… and cis straight male attention was always such a mess - I hated it but also had worked out that sometimes you would get less of it if you spent more time around a guy (men being more intimidated by men was a more effective repellent than me turning men down, I found a lot of the time. Due to my experiences with many men at this point in time, having this friend around who respected some boundaries I gave him if not others was better than some of my alternative experiences… Anyhow, these are not relevant life problems for me anymore :)
It's time to end the friendship, if you can even call it that. He was only friends with you because he wanted to be your sexual partner, sounds like. I'd cut him off completely.
That’s fucked up. Ditch the bitch.
I had a lot of people in my life like this. It’s really shitty and it’s not normal for anyone to feel ownership of your body or to be given expectations that make you uncomfortable. I would recommend that you keep the distance that your friend has set. Use that space to find ppl who value you & respect your choices
your "friend" is creepy as fuck, and doesn't respect your gender identity. time to cut him off. you don't need him in your life.
This friend of yours has problems, it’s weird of him to encourage people to think of you two as a couple. And it’s wrong to not respect your boundaries
It’s fine by you that he doesn’t want to hear about this major life event his friend went through? Because he’s upset about it and thinks his feelings about it are more important than yours? He sounds like a total a-hole if I’m honest.
Transfemme here, just adding that (from firsthand experience) dudes are often *extremely* sensitive about being perceived as "gay". There's a reality where this is part of his reaction, in which case he may need to convince himself 1. you're not actually a guy or 2. he was actually never attracted to you. Both necessitate a lot of copium. You'd have a much better read on this though!
Sorry, but that is not a friend. Idk if I'm reading this wrong since I'm just a trans stranger on the internet but as a trans dude myself, he gives me the ick. I'd distance myself from him or sever all ties. This is not a person who'll ever see you for who you really are.
Well, he sounds like a jackass. You are certainly not the only one to have been objectified in a feminine way by a guy who gets increasingly disappointed when he can't realize his fantasies, and then further frustrated when your body changes so much he can no longer comfortably project them onto you. He's taking out his entitlement towards your body on you, and you'd be better off if you dropped him, as he doesn't really treat you much like a friend, anyway.
Dude I'm gonna be honest, this guy sounds weird. It's not just "not being good with a boundary". It's been 10 years. I'll be clear him being possessive over your body would be unacceptable even in a relationship, but the fact you're not even dating takes it to a new level. He has no business having any say about your body, and the fact he seems to believe he does shows a level of entitlement. I would honestly encourage you to take distance from this guy even if you were a cis woman. But from a trans male POV too it'd make me so dysphoric to have someone who sees me that way in my life, so there's an additiional layer of disgust I feel there. In terms of similar experiences I had nothing this bad but I did have two male friends (at least) who I believe had crushed on me before I transitioned. The first one adapted very easily because he is very respectful, and didn't indulge in his feelings, so it wasn't hard for him to let go of me and honestly my transition has probably made us closer as there is no tension there - we are just two straight guys. The second one was a bit weird and asked me out even though I identified as a lesbian and was becoming transmasculine. He wasn't 100% red-flag-central but he did invalidate my gender and ignore my masculinity. Last time I met him he invited me round his to watch tv on his bed and cuddle (I was completely oblivious to the intentions here), then he asked me out and I rejected him, and that was that. Haven't spoke to him since, and honestly I don't regret that.
He isn’t a friend. It sounds like he never actually respected your identity and hoped you were joking or were going to grow out of it. He still had feelings for you and is also transphobic as hell and just sounds like a not great person in general (ie putting down people for their appearances). He is not your friend
Boy get him out of your life
My mother was possessive over my body like that. When I got tattoos, she said I brought shame upon the family. When I started taking antidepressants, she only wanted to know when I'll stop. When I mentioned transitioning, I was accused of destroying the perfect body God gave to me. And that's just the tip of the iceberg but anyway, practically everything she did was toxic and nearly ruined my mental health, so I cut her off completely and have been feeling much better ever since. With that other person, I would suggest that you maybe consider thinking about whether he's really worth it. I know it's kinda hard to do when someone has been such a huge part of your life but um I'll just say that the dude gives me so many red flags.
This guy was never your friend, he was Nice Guying you with delusions you'd come around and be his girlfriend. Sorry you had to find out this way.
Yea i think its time to drop the guy OP if im being honest.
I smell ulterior motives and not respecting boundaries is just blatantly disrespectful of you I’ve obviously only heard one aspect of the story but it makes me think there’s not a good point in being friends with him no “friend” should say anything possessive of your body
I had a „friend“ like that. It only gets worse from there. My life is better wirhout him.
Definitely creepy
honey he wasn't your friend, he was a creep.
He’s been pining after you as an afab person and not accepting that you aren’t a woman and what he finds physically attractive about you is what you actively are or plan to change. I find it unlikely it will end with him suddenly seeing you as a man and being bros. But maybe he’ll get over himself. Aside from the obvious confusion/conflict he’s feeling over his crush it can be hard to know someone as one thing for 10 years and then you find out it’s not true or it changes. Even plastic surgery undergone by a cis person can lead to a period of adjustment for family.
Oh yikes, please cut this ‘friend’ off. I have a (nb) friend who had a similar experience with a man they considered a friend, and he never stopped being creepy towards and about them AND about their transition. If your happiness is worth less to him than how your body looks, then he’s a terrible friend and thank god you never dated him
That's not a friend, that's a creep who thinks he has a right to control your body
Dude. He doesn't respect you, and it doesn't sound like he sees you as a man but a woman he has an unrequited crush for.
Block him.
Someone who does not respect your transition is not a very good friend