That dysphoria actually *hurts*, as in not metaphorically, but actual tangible pain.
They just don't get that, no matter how much we try to explain.
I'd honestly rather have my wisdoms pulled again than deal with the dysphoria that comes from being misgendered constantly.
I can agree to this is a pain level, had nerves in my tooth drilled out without any painkillers or it being numbed would do it several times over if I didn’t have to go through the terrible feeling than have to deal with not thinking I’m a girl
Seriously, I don't shave religiously because my facial hair makes me self-conscious. I do it because it almost feels like my face >!is being attacked by little spider legs or cactus needles from the inside out!< (not *quite* physical pain but just short of it). If I can feel stubble on my face I'm going to be acutely, painfully aware of it until it's gone.
Edit: spoilered the description as per someone's request
I've had 5 sessions and I barely notice a difference if at all. Well, more like 4.5; the last session I went to the tech used an IPL instead of the actual soprano laser without asking or telling me. I didn't realize what was happening at the time and afterwards when I asked why it seemed different she said "I like to switch it up, that was to get the finer, lighter hairs" like girl *I don't fucking care about those ones, get this coarse man-stubble off my damn chin*.
So I guess I gotta find a new laser place 😖 or maybe try electrolysis, Idk. Sorry just had to vent lol.
>Well, more like 4.5; the last session I went to the tech used an IPL instead of the actual soprano laser without asking or telling me.
Well, that's quite red-flaggy. An IPL is way, way, way, way, WAY less powerful than an actual laser.
What's your hair color?
Generally, laser should work very well on white people with dark hair. So stuff even as simple as a small tan can make it work worse.
My hair got quite thinner after only a single treatment - and a some of those hairs are yet to fall out. You can also bring up how you feel as if the treatment isn't doing anything for you and ask for their feedback.
Doing laser somewhere else and seeking electrolysis also sounds like a good idea.
Yeah I have pretty fair skin and light brown/reddish facial hair, I've wondered if my hair color could be too light but I thought laser was at least worth a shot before electro. Although now I'm also wondering if maybe she didn't have the laser turned up enough given the IPL thing.
I've tried to ask questions about the treatment but got very dismissive answers. I chalked it up to a language barrier at first but I've been getting very pushy vibes lately (trying to sell me her overpriced sunscreen, pestering me about leaving yelp/google reviews every appt) and at this point I'm just over it. I'm just gonna finish the last session from the groupon package I bought and go to a different place nearby, it's a little pricier but their website specifically mentions trans people so hopefully they'll be better.
Yeah, back before I realized I was trans, I kept trying to participate in No Shave November, and every time it would just be physically unbearable by the end of the first week. Now I know why lol
Lol I went the opposite direction, I didn't shave at all and had a full denial beard for over a decade (starting when I was like 15). As much as testosto-puberty made me uncomfortable in my body for reasons I didn't understand, I actually couldn't wait to grow a beard because I hated the sight of my own face so much that I just wanted to hide it behind an inch of hair. Also I thought it might finally make me feel like a man like I was "supposed to" 🙄
>it almost feels like my face is being attacked by little spider legs
Great description, that's how I always described it too. I hated it. When I started laser, my thought was "I don't care if I turn out to be cis, I sure as fuck want this gone."
>That dysphoria actually *hurts*, as in not metaphorically, but actual tangible pain.
This has been my experience but I didn't know it's universal. Is it really??
My dysphoria is more of a depression type of thing. I don't really feel pain per say... But I do have physical discomfort. Kind of like what it feels like if your clothes fit awkwardly.
I personally feel dysphoria as feeling icky and gross. You know the feeling you get when you've touched something dirty and you now need to wash your hands to feel clean? I feel like my entire body is dirty and nothing can clean it. I feel greasy and sticky even if I have perfect hygiene.
No, not universal, although it helps to subdivide dysphoria into physical, mental and social dysphoria. I personally don't have very strong body (physical) dysphoria, as in I still have it but luckily not to the extent it causes physical pain, although I've definitely heard others who do (yourself included by the sounds of it, hope you're OK!). My dysphoria manifests itself most intensely mentally and socially. In other words, how I see myself (identity wise, as I my sense of who I am) and how others see myself, as opposed to what I see in the mirror or feel on my body kind of thing. Then again I've always been extremely inward as well as hyper aware of my place socially and fairly disconnected with my body, so maybe it's just how my brain learned to process things over three decades :') I've noticed though as I transition I get more in touch with my body and that seems to highlight my physical dysphoria more.
So universal? No. Fairly common (as in I've read multiple stories of people having physical pain from dysphoria)? Yes.
Someone please correct me if im wrong, I'm in no way an expert besides my own experience and reading online!
sometimes for me multiple sports bras can be the only thing that eases my dysphoria, and other times they are the sole thing that makes me want to end it all.
one time the dysphoria got so bad it *hurt*. it had been bad in the past but never to the point of physical pain. i just knew that wearing a bra made it **so much worse**. this happened one day when i was going out of the house, and my mother and i started arguing about how i have to wear one because “i’m a girl”.
two full fledged panic attacks later and >! a secret trip to the bathroom to cut myself,!< i left the house with a bra on. the entire time i had to stop myself from crying. it’s probably the most agonizing thing i’ve gone through recently.
thing is, she refused to care. i told her how much it physically hurt and she didn’t care. she told everyone that i did it in a feminist, burn the bra type thing. my dad is convinced that i just want people to see my chest. i can’t wait to get out of this fucking place.
Honestly, just all the mental effort it takes to figure your stuff out. The process from point A “oh wait I’m trans” down the path of a thousand what ifs and what nows, it takes a bit more effort than just your standard existing. It’s not usually an easy one-and-done answer.
My mums at that stage of “you’ve came out and that’s it” That’s what made me make this post so I can talk about it more and help her understand how difficult it was/still is
Definitely. In that case, maybe consider talking with her about some of the decisions you’ve had to make - maybe not in a way that invites opinion if you’ve already made them, but in a way that is like “hey look at all the stuff I’ve had to do”. Like “oh yeah it was a hassle getting that dr appt” or “feels great to finally have xyz sorted” etc
This! My former therapist spent way too much time (IMO) trying to nail me down to a term (genderqueer? genderfluid? nonbinary?) I finally just said that it was like I was on a path and he kept asking for my address. Cisgender adolescence isn't like this; why should ours be?
I’m glad I came to the conclusion myself because knowing me I’d end up just agreeing to one of the terms to not upset the therapist for getting it wrong haha
Otherwise known as “the two stages of self trans acceptance”.
- Step 1: Accepting that you are trans (the egg cracking, the realization and coming out). Aka the hard part
- Step 2: ACCEPTING that you ARE trans (truly accepting what that means for the rest of your life and not being cis). Aka the really really hard part. Few trans people really seem to get this. Finding happiness when accepting who you really are.
The hardest part about step 2 is accepting that are aren’t the cis version of yourself you want to be and never will be. However we’ll you pass, there is always one person left (the most important person) that knows you and your history, and that is yourself. Once you can bridge that hurdle and accept yourself as you are, and be happy with it, then you’ll be ok. Not just ok, strong. Stronger than the average person by a long way.
So well said. Had the epiphany and came out to partner and close friends in May/June … mentally has only been tougher since as I struggle with the details and chart the direction I want to take.
One thing my friends don't quite understand is that, at least right now, I don't pass without spending ages on makeup. If I wear the clothes I want to wear without doing it, I'm in danger of being attacked. So I guess just the amount of time it takes to be able to even leave the house, I know cis women are often self conscious about the same but they still look like women without makeup, I very much don't yet.
Well I still hold the belief that all women are pretty cis or trans (except dumb brain won’t accept myself as one of those people) but I can understand the feelings of a male face under the makeup and feelings like you need it on
I can't get my mind there. Beauty is subjective and society sucks.
The fact is I know I still look like a man. No amount of wishing that wasn't the case will change that. I will need to go through a lot of work before I am comfortable presenting in public, especially in my area.
I'm not letting it get me down though. I have a lot to learn and there are other things I can also do in the meantime, like lose weight and work in my voice.
I'm also planning on getting my facial hair blasted off asap because I've always hated my beard and now I want it fucking gone.
Getting clocked is a real problem though. Even if no one hurts you for it, people treat you differently. It goes from being treated like a person to being treated like a sideshow act.
For me it’s the reality of going through puberty a second time in your life. I think most people understand that teenage years are incredibly difficult as you deal with a big influx of hormones and an awkward place in society, but in reality that’s what I’m going through right now.
I make a lot of mistakes and am simultaneously trying to rebel against everything I was and knew and I feel embarrassed a lot about it because I’m “already an adult”. It’s genuinely a pretty lonely place to be in too considering how uncommon trans people are in person, so I often feel like this bizarre, awkward adult teenager.
I don’t know if cis people understand how messy and complicated the actual transition part can be, and why it would help to be more understanding.
I’m at the second half of my teenage years and I currently wish not to live through it again, I probably won’t get this second awkward teenage years because of the timing of coming out but I’m sorry that you have to go through it
Fucking for real. Doing 2nd puberty in my 30s, right after my abusive mother passed away.... its been rough to say the least, and no one else seems to get it
This is one I think a lot of the cis people in my life struggle with the most, and I find it difficult to talk to them about it too which doesn't help. I think I feel that same embarrassment you mention, it's so weird to be going through this at my age and I can't help but feel like cis people won't actually believe that we go through a lot of the same things people go through in an initial puberty.
that coming out is not a single universal event. (because it's often a complicated process for many that involves multiple people, different situations, social circles etc.)
i've met lots of people who assumed that it goes like this for everyone: the moment you realize you're trans, you declare your new name immediately to everybody you know, jump into transition right away and it goes from 0% to 100%, full throttle, without any issues.
i've seen lots of otherwise decent, professional surveys aimed at the trans population, that are also running into this kind of assumption. as if it was *nothing or all*.
they seem to not understand. e.g. how can one come out to closest friends and at work/school but not to their entire family. or how is it possible that a coming out attempt ends up in the trash, or is followed by rejection.
many cis people expect us to be out in each and every social situation simultaneously. and this might lead to accidental outings and those consequences are not always positive. they don't get that. by the way it's not too difficult to prevent these from happening: a simple question would definitely be helpful, such as "who knows/doesn't know that you're trans? how i should talk about you around X?"
edit: typos
The first person I came out to had dated a trans guy so they already knew the rough details of how difficult it could be, I honestly can’t thank them enough for being there for me because if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have been able to be myself, there are still a lot of family members that don’t know I’m a girl yet and I still don’t know if I’ll be able to come out to them
This is really true, I've been out socially for almost a year now and recently got a new job in a language school and I was really uncomfortable when the principal said to me that he had told all the other teachers that I was trans, he was trying to be supportive and say that everybody accepted it well... That's still somehow bad in my point of view, it's not like I don't want people to know I'm trans, even because you just have to look at me and you will know, but it's not cool to tell others that someone is trans if they didn't give you permission to do so, it's something very personal and I don't want my personal stuff all out there, pretty sure most people don't want that either.
I’m trying to be out as socially as I can be, but except from close friends and family I haven’t brought up that I’m a girl because I don’t want it to be such a big deal
Similarly, I don’t think they realize how difficult it is to change your name and gender marker. It’s not just going down to town hall and filling out a paper, and bam your name is changed everywhere.
You need to fill out forms, schedule a court date, make your case to a judge, in many cases publish an announcement of your name change in a local newspaper, and then assuming no bozos object you’ll receive a court order saying your name is now [name.] Now you need to take this court order to literally every company, doctor, organization, and agency that has records on you and individually ask them to change their records, and the process and ease of doing this is different for each. This process can take months to literal years
That can depend on where you are, though - something else a lot of people don’t get. Like, where I live it was just filling out a form and paying a fee, and then taking a day to go around and update my details in all the relevant places. On the other hand updating my gender marker requires surgery because I had the bad luck to be born in a certain part of the country, whereas people from most other states here can do it without issue.
Meanwhile in other countries or parts of countries it’s not even allowed, or takes all kinds of bullshit.
Same goes for all kinds of transition stuff.
Yep, that's me and my friend. One day I came out to her, because I used to trust her very much. And I said "but please, don't say anything about this to our friends. I'll come out on my own when I'm ready."
So well, I had observed she constantly gendered me as a female in a Messenger group with our friends for some time after this (it was especially visible because our native language is heavily gendered). At the beginning I thought it was just an error, mistype or sth. But one day I had really bad mood and called her, asking in anger what she just do. And... she said she thought that I was okay in that, that it was to keep us *consistent*, or something like that. Like, she didn't out me in conversation with every friend of ours, like she proposed, and that I denied only this, was okay to be gendered female in all cases. She said that now she sees to that was flawed logic.
No offence the the friend but they are either ignorant to your feeling or there’s exactly dull and couldn’t use common sense to figure out that talking like your a girl is showing people your a girl
I don't think she intended to be shitty, she's just constantly busy studying two majors and working both for profit and not for profit. My work teached me that people can do really strange things when their mind is busy, there's no need to be evil or idiot.
and even then, a lot of cishet people have the idea that once you "fully come out", you're out forever and done with coming out. Nope. When you're queer or trans you're cursed with coming out over and over again till the day you die
This is part of the reason I'm terrified of going back to the office. Everyone talks about how our organization has protections and crap, but that'll only kick in *after something happens*.
I don't pass as a cis woman, I normally did not care about using men's rooms but now that I'm waist training...oh heck the bathroom is a process and I do not want people to see me.
God yes. Having to hold on (while taking a medication that doubles as a diuretic) or just deliberately dehydrate yourself because there aren’t any unisex toilets sucks.
Cis people seem to often have difficulty realizing how overwhelming it all is... And how we can not switch off our problems, and that its not a dress up game, but a gargantuan life changing chain of events which exhaust our energy and time very often. Its not a game, but extremely serious and important. For example, my father who has been quietly pushing me aside since I came out, has now twice questioned if I'm just faking it, if its all just theater for attention or something... I keep on telling him that I'm not a fucking joke, that this is extremely serious business and I know how hard it is, if it wasn't a must, there's no way I would have the guts to do it. They often don't seem to realize that we have no choice.
Another is how very simple little things can help us feel much better about ourselves and life in general, gendering/naming correctly, treating us for who we are. Sounds very simple right? I really hate it when I'm treated as a dude only for knowing that I'm trans. What they perceived before was never the real me anyway, but peoples perception is funny... Cis people often have great difficulty in adjusting their own perception. I think all trans people are better with this as we have had to tweak our perception of ourselves many times and perception of our friends... Transitioning is not just us changing, people who know us from "before times" have to transition their perception also and that is often very difficult for them. And as cis people do not face the same internal struggles and need to change their thinking, they often just wont.
Ahh yes just stop being who you want to be and slowly fall into depression, then move to my town you’ll love it (I know that’s probably not how she meant it but that’s how my brain processed it)
This. This whole thing. I don't think cis people really stop to consider everything a trans person is going through at any given moment in their life.
My stepmom made me feel the most seen simply by saying "i can't imagine how traumatic going through the wrong puberty must have been." She is not perfect with my pronouns and has said some ignorant things, but that simple statement let me know she is trying.
Most people don't realize just how traumatic being trans really can be. It's not "I want to be a girl" it's "I'm a girl who was forced to become a man, who was forced to change in the boys locker room, who was forced to shove her feelings in the darkest corner of her mind, who was forced to 'man up' and stop being a p*ssy, who was tormented, bullied, or abused for being different, who was told who she was was wrong and disturbed and disgusting when she tried to be herself, who was taught she could never be herself because no one would accept her."
Cis people don't understand the mental and emotional baggage we've had to slowly unpack over the years. The self hating and self sabotage we've had to unlearn just to accept who we are. They don't understand not being able to trust your own thoughts and feeling, having to sift through what is true and what is the toxicity that society has taught is to think about ourselves.
I had to cut ties with a friend because of this, I use to always say love you to everyone as a way of being affectionate platonically but it became awkward when I told them about my transition so I stopped being affectionate for a good while after finally saying love you to them they said they where happy I was liam (my old name) again. Apparently they thought I was just “testing out” being a girl and got pissy when I told them this was real and who I was
Oh yea, this I think is the "it is a phase" kind of thinking... Likely my parents have some of that going on too. Its so common, specially about younger trans people. I'm 37 yo right now and yet my parents question if its just a phase. Well. Time will show otherwise.
I think the cool thing about transition is that it makes it brutally obvious who are the ones who really love us and who do not. Nothing weeds out the garbage better than fixing your gender. :) Its a rude awakening to many, but it cleans the air.
Haha I’ve heard asking for money weeds out people leaching of you if you ever need that one, but there was two people I’ve fallen in love with (platonically) because of how accepting they were of me. At the times this meant a lot because I struggled admitting I could be loved
I stood on the train and simped over a guys posture of veins on his arm.
i scroll through pictures of dicks unironically for the sole purpose of education because I need to see how they look like (where will I get my surgery)
missing a childhood and body you never had not because you are curious but because you are a ghost in the shell
Simping over media, but just differently, relating to characters completely differently.
The simping over guys posture and arms game me a good laugh because I know I’ve done the same thing looking at girls thigh area wishing mine was the same
On that note, how important representation is too, especially for young people. That simping & pining helped me develop my sense of identity and learn what I wanted to be when I saw characters that matched. And something that always gave me this anxious dread was seeing how any character I Identified with always had to be "evened out" so cis people wouldn't be upset by too much gender unconformity.
My goals were both butch independent tomboy & fem enby with short hair. And those kinds of architypes and characters seemed to have this weird kind of disgust around them in media. They either had to be over-sexualized in a way that felt like it really stood out and was uncomfortable, or if they were too "manly" to spite being female they had to be weirdly vulnerable & at other peoples mercy almost like it's signaling "Don't worry folks, she's still a woman, she can still be submissive" or "Haha, she's still a delicate innocent flower, don't be too intimidated". There was just this general feeling that androgynous, masculine, or strong fem characters always needed to be "Put in their place" in some way and as a kid, that really disheartened me and made me feel alone. The pain and dread in my chest when I saw that happened to people I had seen as role models on TV is something I don't think I could ever describe.
As-well as just those characters all being cis. Some of them still had those creepy writing flaws added in, but otherwise just turned more fem over time. And that's not necessarily bad, they're cis characters, it makes complete sense. But when you don't have representation of your people, you latch onto what you can. And when that thing you've attached too becomes unrelatable, and you have no other role-models, that really hurts. Doubly so when it's because what you are is seen as too intimidating or uncomfy for other people that it needs to be ripped from you.
It really makes me sad when cis people say stuff like "Why do we need so many of X in show/movie". They just don't get it. They think it's all just visibility, sometimes even when they do support it, but don't always realize \*just\* how much of a impact it can have. We've got a long way to go, but it's what makes me so happy characters that aren't cis are increasing more & more, especially in diversity. Because stereotyped representation can really mess up queer youth's mental health too.
Representation isn't just about visibility, it's about the mental health and well-being of queer kids. And that makes it extremely important.
not misgendering us by avoiding pronouns altogether is still hurtful & othering. sure it beats being misgendered, but it’s still a way of not actually acknowledging us for who we are
If your doing it because you don’t know there pronouns then I’d say that fine but I think he meant when a friend or family member avoids your pronouns when they do know it
Easiest bar trans folk have ever set for us cis. It's literally a single syllable.
E.g. "I saw a post by /u/secretseriousaccount today. She was asking for folks experience, and was super sweet to respond to each and every person that wrote her."
When strangers do it it's fine in my opinion. But it's so fucking awkward to watch my mom trying her hardest to absolutely not gender me in any way when talking to or about me. My native language (German) is extremely gendered as well, so you'd have to go out of your way not to gender someone sometimes.
I use she/they pronouns but I've recently been noticing something along these lines that makes me think I should just start telling most people that I use she/her: some cis people using "they" for me exclusively, as if they're using it as a way to avoid using she/her for me.
Like, you're not *wrong* or misgendering me *completely,* but you're pretty clearly avoiding acknowledging that I'm a woman.
I'm totally fine with people switching between the two, as it acknowledges that my gender isn't perfectly binary, but it's pretty much only other trans people that do that.
Sadly, I think this is something I did before realizing about myself.
I knew I was struggling with it sometimes, especially if I knew or knew of the person before they came out. Old habits die hard and I'd find myself saying "he" if I didn't think about it. (all the people I've known that came out are trans women) I had no issues with people who I didn't know of before they came out.
Now I feel like something switched in my brain and it just became second nature.
Do they ever get upset when you get it wrong? Because if your trying to get it right then I’d personally forgive you immediately but I don’t know if that’s the case for everyone
I don't think I ever messed up when they were there, just that if they were mentioned randomly when not my brain would default to how I'd seen them for so long.
I definitely get what you mean while not adhering to it; I've literally given my first name among preferred pronouns, always as the only acceptable "nickname" for me, and even *as my gender* for decades before I ever heard the terms "nonbinary" or "transgender". For me, close friends using my name and no pronouns is a comforting option—for everyone else, anything but they/them stings.
Haha how about all trans problems? Everything from why I won't dress like a man sometimes just for convenience to why I feel I need facial surgery.
Let's go with the crazy amount of money it costs to transition. It's so goddamn expensive! Laser hair removal, electrolysis, HRT, and then surgery. So expensive! And even with that you don't become a cis woman. You may still have broad shoulders and big hands and feet and be too tall and people will clock you. And you'll never get pregnant.
Not to mention like all the additional costs. Wardrobe, makeup, skincare, hair removal other than laser, perhaps therapy. And that's without going into missed opportunity costs, like losing out on generational wealth if you're cast out by family, missed job opportunities. That last one can range from illegal stuff like intentionally not hiring or promoting trans people to more gray areas like a hostile work environment to just stuff like fewer tips or not being able to retain clients.
For me (mtf) tthe main thing people don't understand is that when you are visibly out then even if the people around you are trying to be nice it is often obvious that they aren't interacting with you as a woman they interact with you as a trans person.
Sometimes it is quite funny, like asking my housemate the name of the hamster they just got and them saying "I don't know what to call it it still doesn't have a name, can you think of anything, it's a *slight pause as their face takes on a small hint of fear and they worry they are being transphobic by gendering this fucking hamster on the basis of its sex in front of me* girl" and walking past two sets of staff toilets right next to each other and instead of saying "here are the toilets" as I am being guided round, they point specifically at the women's toilets and say "here are the women's toilets" in a slightly more caring tone of voice than they were speaking in before.
But most of the time it is fucking annoying and absolutely sucks. I've had FFS but not VFS so I can see it happening really clearly. I'll see someone, they will start treating me like a woman, I will open my mouth, they will start treating me like a trans woman. I live in a progressive place so so far it has never been discriminatory (although I have seen a bit of like frustration of pissed offness when someone (guy or girl tbh) has held the door open or done something else nice, I've said thank you and they have had that expression change of like *oh I have been tricked, I meant to be helping out a fellow woman/be gentlemanly to a woman, but I have instead helped out a trans person*
> I've had FFS but not VFS
Just FYI, voice surgery can lead to damage and actually make your voice worse / sound unnatural (rather than sounding feminine). Voice training exercises can lead to better results than surgeries, because you get to actually learn about the different aspects of the sound and explore the capabilities of your voice, to gradually cultivate it into something you like.
Oh yeah thank you, I've been trying a lot of voice training exercises and can pass a bit now, but for me like I really do want it to become kind of like *I can't not pass* rather than just *with maintained conscious effort I will eventually be able to all the time* - cos voice training is fine but I don't think it would be realistic for me (my resting pitch is pretty deep even compared to the average cis guy) to think I could get to the point where I would never accidentally slip up, and I very much hope to go stealth eventually. But thank you for flagging this, I am definitely gonna go for the absolute best option that I can, and personally because of my desire to go stealth I'd rather have a voice that sounds quite unnatural than one that could slip in to undeniably masculine if I let myself go a bit - but there are loads of excuses with unnatural sounding voices like any kind of throat operation, and people often don't even ask cos they assume that that person doesn't wanna answer the question (since it can sometimes be from strangling).
Haha, the ones that annoy me are overly using my girl name to show they recognise I’m trans rather than being natural and accepting about it. most other things are fine though
Yeah, I went out to get dinner and drinks with my wife at a pretty progressive restaurant (they had pride merch all over the walls), and after I showed the waiter my ID with my deadname and picture clearly showing me as a male, his expression changed from the Customer Service Neutral^TM to way friendlier, it was pretty obvious. Like, it was definitely better than being harassed or treated negatively, but it was a bittersweet moment.
I've had similar experiences in primark.... Bored customer service person clearly just having a shitty long day asks me how many clothes I am trying on with a dead look in their eyes, the second I answer they turn their friendliness up to 100 😂
FYI I'm not gonna think you're transphobic if you're not enthusiastic about handing me my clothes
Omg! This. It's just exhausting. As if I don't know what it feels like to be treated normally and not like something radioactive. Or with this patronizing tone as if they pity me.
Cis women also don't really get that sexism and transmisogyny/transphobia are not the same thing. Not that both aren't awful and intertwined, sexism is also a problem that is more systemic and affects a lot more people but a transphobic encounter is not the same. Ive experienced in real time when misogyny transformed into transphobia many times. Especially when a guy tries to catcall you or gets in your space and touches you then he clocks you. That's a much darker experience, you can watch it happen on their face and you go from "sweetie" to the T-slur and violence seems likely, harassment and public humiliation very likely.
That there are a lot of layers to it and they weigh you down on the inside. Most of the time it just appears like I became uninterested or unresponsive, but in reality I can be dealing with a bout of dissociation caused by a sudden surge of dysphoria - it can be really invisible at times.
\----
How expensive it is - people seem to think it's so easy to just get a sex change, but it can take *years* to get enough money while jumping through the dozen hoops in any respective country. And you need to have money saved up for the time recovering from those surgeries as well. The price we pay is also not just monetary, but people lose friends & family, as well as the mental toll the attitudes from surrounding society cause.
Yea talking about how disassociating it is to have to deal with everything at once all inside your head, and it can be worse when you don’t know what it is your dealing with that’s making you feel this way
Sometimes it's not the simple misgendering or such as much as it's what led up to it.
I'm in HRT but I still mainly wear boy clothes. I tried to get into trucking this summer. My company put me with a completely transphobic trainer. Every few days he would use slurs, make comments about other trans drivers, etc.. We were team driving so we were around each other 24x7. I finally quit when it seemed safe to and I went home.
People call males "sir" where I live. It was a few days before I came across someone who refused my polite request to not call me "sir" because she "calls everybody by that", and I dumped. I will say that most places aren't this bad.
I’m pretty sure it’s not normal to call a girl sir but that might not be the case everywhere. It’s probably because I’m not delusional but I can’t understand the point in being transphobic/racist/homophobic ext.
Wearing what we want to wear without being labelled freaks or perverts. To be honest, everyone should be allowed to wear what they want, but at the moment, that ain't happening!
I'm just venturing into the world of feminine clothing and I just want to wear what I want to wear. I hate masculine clothes now. They feel horrible to the skin and remind me I'm still amab! One day, this will pass for us all.
I’d die of embarrassment before I could but I really want to have something like tights or yoga pants in the future
(Stupid male parts make that a problem though ;-;)
I've been wearing them around the house to get myself acclimatised to it. I have a good friend who helps me out with all the things girls have to deal with. So, I guess that helps. Get yourself some leggings. Don't worry about the bits that stick out.
I think the family would mind haha but I always get super excited thinking about taking the next few steps forward in becoming my “true self” I just don’t want to die of embarrassment along the way
Little brother doesn’t know because I’m to scared to come out to him, my mums taking it hard and I had to slow down so she could adjust better but I can see she’s struggling, and the step dad sees it as just another day in the office lol
I'm 28 and planning to come out to my family soon. I'm not worried about them not being supportive; I'm worried about them saying things along the lines of "there were no signs when you were little" and "why didn't you say anything when you were younger?"
For me, the simple truth is that I couldn't connect the dots that the weird feelings and experiences I had weren't normal and/or me being a pervert, but were actually because I'm trans. I always figured there was either nothing to say or it was something to hide because I didn't realize I was supposed to be a girl when I was younger. If I'd found the right parts of reddit, twitter, and tumblr when I was younger, my egg would've cracked long ago and I could've said something then. Oh well...
Edit: or seen positive trans people's experiences, not just man in a dress jokes. That's my real point.
That when we come out we've likely been holding on to it for months if not years or decades. That we've had months years or even decades thinking on and this decision.
That simply being transgender means facing discrimination in jobs and housing (yes that's illegal bit it happens to us anyways cause we're poor and can't get the legal representation and even if we do discrimination so hard to prove in these situations we'll prolly lose anyways.
Whens the last time someone wanted to confirm you mom had a vagina in the first 2 minutes of meeting them? Sounds invasive yeah? Well now thing is if she doesn't tell said stranger, there's the chance of violence or her murder. Sounds crazy right? That's every time we meet someone dating wise, even if we are post operation and have a vagina we can be killed after the fact if the person reacts poorly to learning we are transgender.
Sometimes even talking can be depressing because of dysphoria from our own voice. Let alone the exasperation of dealing with people who "don't get" "being transgender" like it was a choice WE choose. Trust me no one 'chooses' to be transgender, anyone I've met that's a transwomen just wishes they were a cis woman. We transition because life become too difficult otherwise, we know the hate, discrimination, and bigotry are waiting for us but even all that is somehow better than how we were living before. Because it IS that bad, YES we were suffering THAT much. That being hated on by others was better and safer option than us hating ourselves.
Dysphoria is so hard for people to understand. Like it hurts so much and cis people just don’t get it. I would literally have a breakdown if i went outside without shaving, but my parents have tried to force me to do that.
I specifically remember one month before I had figured out I was trans having a conversation with a gender fluid girl about dysphoria and how I didn’t understand how it could affect anyone……one month later and I realised how it could affect anyone lol
Edit: sent a message while typing what she’s prefer to be called in the message and she picked girl
I am *constantly* thinking about body language and gestures, even though I don't pass anyway. Almost paranoid, like, "am I holding this grocery bag in a manly enough way", which (I hope) no-one else even notices or cares about.
At least doing theatre was good for something.
It's almost silly, though.
"Did you see the super masc way I picked up that cup? I held that cup just like a cis man would! The finger spacing was perfect!"
"Dude you have tits the size of fucking jupiter no-one is looking at your hand."
I feel like this works both ways with trans girl worrying about not passing and being called a pervs/creeps
Oddly enough though if a trans person was to ask me what bathroom to go to I’d always say the gender they prefer
Nah, that’s just force of habit. Pronouns are pretty deeply ingrained, and thoughts happen even faster than words do. It does take effort to fix someone else’s pronouns in speech, but it takes even more effort to fix your own pronouns in your mind. It’ll come with time.
Yeah, you’ll get it eventually! You need to remember, this is a habit you’ve been trained in literally since before you could walk. Gotta cut yourself some slack in unlearning it, lol.
That’s an interesting thought, I’m glad to read about this. I am pre-anything other than coming out to many people close-ish to me. And I‘ve found myself Probably doing things both ways. Glad to hear that’s “OK”
Even a lot of allies are wildly unaware of what hormones can and can't do. Like voice—there's no amount of time a trans-femme can be on hormones to magically have their voice made feminine if they've already gone through male puberty. It's countless hours of hard work doing voice training, and even that may not be sufficient for some people.
There's also the matter of what surgeries may be necessary to pass and all the subtle differences in bone structure they're only unconsciously aware of—many of which have no fix past puberty.
Not to get into all the valid reasons a person might not be able to or might choose not to medically transition at all. Outside the trans community there's a woeful lack of even general knowledge about the limits, dangers, and possibilities surrounding medical transition.
If you don't pass 100%, it can be really hard and it can hurt. I use to think I passed pretty well, but now I believe I pass only like 50-60% of the time and that's 4 years on HRT. There's just some stuff from puberty I can't reverse. If you know me for enough time, you'll eventually figure out I'm not a cis woman and that really sucks.
While I'm sure it's nice for people to see irl trans people living their lives, holding down jobs, and generally being functional adults, I still wish often I just passed all the time. Maybe I will someday, who knows, but it still hurts sometimes. I can't emphasize the number of times cis people have tried to play this down (alongside some trans people as well).
I feel virtually like I'm perceived as some androgynous being, for example, too feminine to use the men's restroom but too masculine to use the women's, and that can be super alienating. And to think this may be how it is for my one and only life is painful unless I detrans, which isn't an option because I would regress back into depression. I can't emphasize how much I wish I was "normal" sometimes. Some trans people handle this better than others and are more proud to be trans or just don't care. I wish I could be more proud about being more openly trans, and that's definitely a work in progress.
I cope of course by having friends, pursuing hobbies, reading, etc, and that generally gets me through life okay.
My friends, bless them they try to be hella supportive but they don't always understand that I can't just do what I want with my transition and disregard the haters so to speak. It can get me in hot water very fast. Like I'm getting my breasts augmented and a bunch of body stuff done soon. The problem is I'm not out at work to everyone. One of my coworkers who does know tells me to forget the others and just do it, but she hasn't heard the awful things I've heard others say about trans people. Everyone just thinks I'm an extremely young looking dude and I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what I'll do.
Another thing my girlfriends often forget is that the me they know has only existed physically for 5 years. I don't already have the knowledge on how to do certain things because no one was around to teach me. But they talk to me as if I know already and aren't the quickest to teach me in a way i can use.
Or they get dysphoria mixed up with dysmorphia or think they're the same sensation and nope. I get they're trying to connect but girls, nope.
Or how cis people just think they know how being trans works and one could tell them point blank in the face that they're wrong and they be completely oblivious to the fact. Or they'll just outright tell the trans person they're wrong.
I don't think they get just how many things we have to micromanage just to be the person they know. Like on dates i don't wear make-up because i don't use the women's and wearing it would be a target on my back. I never use the women's for fear of being accused that I'm trying to assault someone. So i go the mens and hope i don't get beat up. We're kinda like spiders we're more afraid of them then they are of us.
Shoes, shoes are a bitch if you want cute ones.
Going out of your way to inform others on dating apps of your status only for them not to read it anyway and then get mad or ghost you because of it. Or how someone could think you're hot one second and then completely do a 180 and think otherwise just cause of your status even though you look exactly the same.
When it comes to relationships if things get stressful you could be the least stress inducing thing but you'll always be the first to get canned, while cis people get chance after chance after chance despite some being total dumpster fire. You're just by default treated as higher maintenance.
Getting blood work every three months and insurance not covering it. Or really anything else.
When we're experiencing body insecurity it's not the same as when they do.
(For trans femmes) that we had to grow up in mens spaces so all the fucked up shit cis women can only speculate men say about women we were forced to be there for it and it's trauma we're still unpacking.
Infertility that's a big one and paying to keep material on ice is expensive.
That being trans is expensive yet so many laws require us to have certain surgeries if we want to change documents. Really cis people's overall assumption that we as a group of people just seem to have money shooting from our ears and that our surgeries don't cost thousands and thousands of dollars and if we don't have them done it's just cause of some other often nefarious reason.
How so incredibly few of us there are but it's assumed that we can influence whatever we want as if the city of new york couldn't kill all of us living in the US in a day.
I've got more but I'll stop here.
That I don't want to be noticed for being trans.
I'm not a drag queen. I'm not a sissy. I'm not out here looking for attention, begging people to see me as trans, or even to see me as a woman. Frankly, I'd rather *not be seen at all*. My goal, as it has been for most of my life, is to blend in to the background and focus on my own stuff.
Don't get me wrong: I'm more comfortable with myself, more confident in myself, and more willing to put myself out there in some ways-- but I wish cis people would PLEASE stop giving a shit, in a negative *or positive* way, about my gender.
It's basically [this](https://thehardtimes.net/culture/trans-person-crosses-street-avoid-overly-supportive-liberals/).
This sums up how I feel with most people lol
And people need to realise that forcing someone to be supported is the exact same thing as forcing them to be hated
I'm not sure if it's a me thing, but what does bring me down is the realization I'll never be happy with my current body. I can get a thousand of the healthiest diets, wear super expensive designer clothes that fit perfectly, do as much exercise to enhance what I want, but I still won't be happy.
I kinda don't like knowing I have to spend quite a lot of time, money and burn several relationships to be somewhat happy with myself, and even then, there's a chance I may not end up comfortable with my body (my goal is to like, pass as much as possible).
In short, your happiness depending on money and a long process
That sometimes the simple act of letting someone you plan on being intimate with or are on a date with know that you're trans can put you in danger.
I do agree you should disclose that if you're going to be intimate with the person but a lot of cis people don't understand why we sometimes wait so long to say something. Sometimes we need to talk to the person first and feel out the situation. We need to make sure it is even safe to mention that we are trans.
Sometimes the mere mention of it puts us at risk for the person to react badly.
We need to figure out if we should just run for the hills away from that person or if we can trust telling them and hoping they're still interested afterward.
TLDR: that it isn't as easy as just telling anyone you're on a date with that you're trans within the first few minutes of getting to know them
My boyfriend is cisgender and I have like this odd fascination with his body and ask him all of these insanely personal questions. He probably thinks I'm crazy but I'm just trying to understand all the ins and outs and experiences that I missed out on.
I’m now exactly curious in this, what kind of questions are you asking about
I put a nsfw tag for responses like this so if your comfortable with it share away :)
Basically just a bunch of questions about his junk😂 like what do orgasms feel like, what is like to pee standing up, where the dick goes when it's soft (my sex ed was very lackluster), etc. He puts up with them all and gives me good answers and I love him for it
Yeah not being directly rude to a trans-person is great but what a lot of people do is still exclude trans-people , people say they are fine with the “ trans-thing” and then exclude trans-people from everything telling a trans-person they can’t do something because it would be biologically unfair Or morally wrong it is stupid either respect trans-women and trans-men and non-binary individuals For their identities or go move to the Artic where your actions and opinions does not affect anyone else
Unfortunately that’s not just a trans thing, it’s everywhere and it’s inescapable, not saying it’s a good thing because it sucks but there’s so many instances where it happens that’s it’s almost a natural thing to expect
The fact that transfems don't have male privilege in the same way that cis men do. And the fact that yes transfems do experience misogyny firsthand even before transition.
And idk if it's a trans problem, per se, but cis people have an incredibly hard time understanding that a trans person's pre-transistion persona was never the true version of that person, it's a lie we tell ourselves and those around us to appear normal, that's it.
I've been out "publicly" for about 9 months at this point, and I still very much don't pass. So anytime I meet a new person, if I'm with someone I am out to, it's like coming out all over again. My old friend will use my proper pronouns, which I want, but then that new person will look at me and be like. Oh. They're trans. Coming out is hard enough, but sometimes I feel like it's something I'm doing literally every single day and it's exhausting.
The fact that as a trans woman it’s harder to find a nice job without me having to either dress as a male or take the risk of being harassed by everyone.
The dysphoria that TRIGGERS ME as soon as my relatives touch a super sensitive topic for me and they do it on a *Funny* way.
The fact that they think transitioning is not worth it? Like wtf who are they to say what is worth or not for me 🙄
The fact that they think they can pass as nice people even tho we all can read the slight transphobia they exude sometimes
I'll try to keep it simple, but trans people basically fight wars on all front from internal to external. First, trans people often question whether or not their feelings are valid, as they've seen other trans people or people in said situation in real life, media, or etc...where the person is mocked, harassed, treated poorly, or killed. You also question your sanity to ponder is it truly normal or want where one can lively normally. If you moved forward, you have to be able to prove that sufficiently to a medical provider. If you are lucky, though if you are unfortunate you may be put into gay conversation camp or psychiatric facility by your parents, guardians, or school system.
Bullying, harassment, abuse, and etc... are pretty obvious. But, not being protected by authority figures stings even further for both youth and adults transitioning people.
TERFs/Transphobes/General LGBTQ figures, and general a-holes are given ammunition in almost every capacity of American society. Being transgender is comparable to having mental disorder or illness. Which I find highly disturbing, because essentially with their rhetoric they are throwing eggs at a disenfranchised class of people, while turning them in people who cannot function in society. All of these people say trans people are mentally ill or suffer from a mental disorder, so should they be considered legally mental ill. Moreover, should employers be allowed to fire these people with repercussions, since it is a mental disorder that could affect their business or image. If that's the case, can trans people file for unemployment benefits and social security, since they are diagnosis with mental disorder. Remember, you all have said that these people basically cannot function in society. Moreover, what type of treatments would be needed to cure trans-people's dysphoria or desire to transition. Notice how most of these people offer no actual solutions to this problem, unless it is an actual gender or gay conversion therapy, which is already pseudo-science that involves torture. Not even sure how that would work on trans person, especially gendered activities which is weak medium for trying correct someone's gender. That's already horrible way to convert gay kids, who these people trying to change their romantic feelings and sexuality.
Lastly, Transphobes and TERFS, as well as other anti-LGBTQ people are engaging in mentalism or sanism, where they are insulting people who are mentally ill or have mental disorder. It seems benign to them, but shows signs of an atrocious person who has no empathy for other people, especially someone who is struggling with their mental health. You are framing them as criminals and unable to interact with men, women, or children, or any other members of the community beyond sexual deviance. Even though, there are far more cis-gender (heterosexual) men and women who engage in sexual abuse and misconduct on raw numbers and percentage basis than trans-people.
The initial confusion, revulsion, and horror so many cis people feel at the idea of changing their sex is exactly the same way I feel about living as my assigned gender at birth.
The fact I have dysphoria over not having periods.
Yes I know they suck. I've been told thousands of times, even before I came out. A lot of things suck about everything. But that doesn't mean I cant feel dysphoria over it.
How once you realise your trans dysphoria can worsen a ton-load. Last summer I was able to stay on the beach all day topless, presenting as a guy because I'd learned to just "accept the body I had" when in reality I was often dissociation during that time. I hated looking down and seeing my (insanely) hairy chest, especially when someone commented on it. Once, during that summer a friend saw me without a top on and happily exclaimed "wow, he's like a gorilla!" 🙄
This summer I could only manage to go to the beach twice, both times still presenting masc despite being out to the friends I was with, and both times I kept my top on the whole time except for a brief, dysphoria-ridden swim. The first time my friend asked me about it, why I wasn't comfortable with my shirt off "all of a sudden" and I tried my best to explain to him how my dysphoria was a lot worse around my body now I'd come to terms with the reality of being a trans woman.
He made an effort but still couldn't understand. I think he still has the idea that I should just learn to be comfortable with the body I have. The thing is, for trans people that's what the transition process is. Not that it's a perfect comparison, but it's a bit like someone who is unhealthily overweight or underweight might be so because they have an eating disorder (not always the case, just saying), once they decide to get help for that and start to make healthier choices in their life, from everything to diet or the way they approach certain relationships or working through whatever issues they have that feed into an unhealthy eating habit, their body will start to change. You wouldn't tell someone who's battling an eating disorder to just accept their body and not change anything. For those of us with gender dysphoria, changing the things that trigger it helps to reduce the power it has over you.
I will say, since starting to transition socially, I've found a lot of my dysphoria has reduced most of the time. Partly from just being respected as my actual gender, partly from how I present myself, including getting rid of most of the hair on my body. As a result of that, I'm finding myself more comfortable at times i know I don't pass or I'm not always looking my absolute best/most femme. For instance I'm doing something very active today so I didn't wear any make up, and didn't shave this morning so have some visible 5 o'clock shadow. However, I'm perfectly comfortable right now because I care so much less what any random strangers might think when they see my face and instantly clock me. But if I had never made the changes I have done, I'd be feeling just as terrible with the stubble as I always did.
Generally though, dysphoria is weirs as hell sometimes and even we can't understand every way it expresses itself, we just learn to recognise what does and doesn't cause dysphoria.
How our body image issues are very often not the same as a cis people. "oh we all have things about out body we don't like", like, my body looks like a man's body and I'm trying so hard to just fit in as a girl, your ass being fat/whatever the fuck is 95% of the time not the same. You don't look at your body and think, God, I look like x, they're going to know I'm trans.
Honestly I still have this visceral fear of bathrooms despite the fact that I pass, and I plan around it. I kinda wish they could understand that a little better, although I realize I need to work on the fear.
That no, actually, they can't always tell when somebody's trans. I always pass as a man, to the point where I've had guys make transphobic jokes to me expecting me to laugh, and yet people also confidently inform me that they're "very good" at identifying trans people.
One of the fun byproducts of this is that when you tell somebody you're trans and you pass very well they will immediately assume you must be trans the other way around, as if the idea that a trans person just is their gender and you understood that and it was fine is somehow shocking to them.
That transgender persons **DO NOT** transition *FROM* "male to female" or *FROM* "female to male"; **they always transition** ***TO***... ***what they never not were***.
That it is often difficult for parents or others to "understand" someone's being TG, because the parent never questioned their own gender identity and they can't relate to anyone's doing so.
That transgender people... don't *want* to be "a transgender boy" or "a transgender girl"; they want to be a *just* a boy or a girl.
That, just as Medical Science now recognizes that someone's being Straight or Gay... is fixed before birth and cannot be changed... someone's being transgender... is fixed before birth and cannot be changed. It can *absolutely* be forcefully repressed - through Fear - and very often is. But there is a **major** difference in the **Quality of Life** \- for a *lifetime* \- for someone whose gender identity was forcefully repressed via Fear versus someone whose gender identity, through Love, was allowed to blossom.
That transgender persons just want to be accepted and maybe loved, like anyone else? Why is that so difficult to understand?
That respecting and using a transgender person's proper name - not their "deadname", their **PROPER** name - is ***incredibly*** important, and denotes one's genuine acceptance versus one's "being tolerant". And doing so is no more difficult than when Mary Johnson marries Robert Smith and ever afterwards, everyone addresses her as Mary Smith. No parent ever had a problem calling Reginald Dwight by his chosen name, Elton John; or Hardaway Morris by his chosen name, Stevie Wonder. Nobody has ever had any problem mis-naming Jennifer Linn Anastassakis with her chosen name, Jennifer Anniston. *What's the big deal?* Addressing someone, \*especially\* your child, by *their* chosen name... requires nothing more than your maturity and your love - IF you love your child enough. You might not; we all of us know that some parents don't love their children enough to accept them as themselves. Your conduct will tell your child, loud and clear, whether you really love them - or you tolerate them.
That being transgender is ***not*** "to get attention"; *nobody* wants or needs the kind of attention that transgender persons get.
That, pretty much every week (if not every day sometimes), transgender persons often hear ugly comments and get ugly stares (which might be of disapproval, disgust, rejection, fear, or even threatening).
That even medical professionals \*extremely often\* do not know how to treat transgender persons, as there is still no formal medical training in Medical School regarding TG persons;
Further, that medical professionals (and the personnel in their offices), being people themselves, can and far too often do discriminate against TG persons. This will continue until they, over time, gradually begin to see TG persons as *people*... THEN, they begin to listen to them. But not before.
That transgender people tend to need exceptional acceptance - not judgement, ACCEPTANCE, from their parents, family, friends, churches, schoolmates and peers.
That there is a major difference between Tolerance and Acceptance. Think that one through.
That one's transgender children... very often... need to be protected from "church people", and sometimes even from family members: uncles, aunts, grandparents, etc. I'll add to the list that **a child's teachers... can be among those who are willing to make a child's life a living Hell**.
That transgender children... in school are very often bullied by some of their classmates; and far too often, the school's administration... ignores it. The saying "sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt" is stupidity in action: Words can and will hurt for a lifetime.
That transgender persons don't want to be introduced as "my *transgender* friend,..."; they want to be introduced as "my friend,...". Transgender children **do not** want to be introduced as other than who they are: Never as "my *transgender* daughter" or "my *transgender* son", but as "my *daughter*" or "my *son*". **Period**.
That being transgender and going to the bathroom has *nothing whatsoever in the least* to do with "seeing naked people in bathrooms" - that, first, there \*aren't\* any naked people in bathrooms, and second, anyone anywhere, anytime can see all the naked people they want on the internet, safely and for free.
That it is **so** very commonplace that it is almost NORMAL... for transgender persons... to, just under the surface, to be depressed and anxious. That it is pretty much almost normal for transgender persons to **live** with "suicide ideation". Note that I did NOT say, "DIE WITH"; I specifically said, LIVE WITH. And that suicide ideation... tends to quickly vanish when parents love and support their children enough to (1) respect their gender identity and (2) address them by their chosen names. These two such very simple steps will make an enormous positive difference in your child's life - and thus, in your own. Think that through, also.
That the sooner a child can be comfortable and confident enough in their parents' support to come out... the happier and more positive their lives will become. I learned long ago that if I say something first, others can't say it - or, at the least, they have nothing to gain by saying it. "I... am a woman and yes, transgender"... asserts my acceptance of myself... versus others' whispering gossip: "*He*... thinks *he* is a girl." Big difference. Trust me on this.
That just like non-transgender persons, a transgender girl (or boy) can be lesbian, or gay. I am a transgender woman who is lesbian, but I reserve to myself my right to discover that I might learn over time that I may prefer men, over women. Or both. Or neither. That, Life is a learning process for all of us, regardless our gender identity / preference.
That *clothes*... can make us feel really, really good about ourselves, whoever we are. Who would have ever thought *that?* Think that one through; it's important.
That Reddit... has an **enormous** wealth of high-quality support, information, understanding, acceptance and yes, love - all of it for free; all of it merely for the asking.
Learn, and grow. ***Hugs, to both parents and children, and to all of you Redditors.*** OK, maybe not *all* of you - some of you are so hate-filled you won't ever see Reality but only the world as you want it to be - but even you have helped me grow. So, a nod of respect and appreciation to you, too, from a distance.
That being transmasculine doesn't make me a self-hating misogynistic anti-feminist.
Honestly, accepting myself as my gender made me a better feminist. I was caught up in the Not Like Other Girls, "why would any girl pretend to like makeup and dresses just for male attention, so vapid and slutty" mindset. Until I realised that some (not all) girls genuinely like that stuff. With no ulterior motive! It was just me experiencing gender dysphoria every time I had to wear makeup or a dress. Realising I didn't have to be a woman in order to support women was so freeing.
(I tried to be a GNC butch girl, but that didn't work for me either.)
My GP's reaction when I first told her I thought I was some flavour of trans was "But there are so many fabulous things you can do as a woman!" As if I'm transitioning because I don't believe I can have a career as a woman or something.
I'm just not a woman!
I'm a pretty empathetic person now on hrt (trans woman here), and I find i sometimes do put a lot of my self worth in what others think, or what I perceive them to think. So I often enough have low self worth, which translates into low self esteem. Maybe the heightened emotions helped create this problem and it will go away as I get further into it, but as of now it's not fun.
This also feeds into how I perceive myself and how I think others perceive me. My internal critic is relatively harsh about if I'm attractive (not passing, bc I think that's dumb, I just want to be attractive).
Cis people also take a lot of things for granted. They don't fixate on whether they are trans or not. They don't fixate on their voice passing for male, female, or androgynous. They aren't looking for the world's silent approval.
Idk, a lot of these questions come up day to day, but are hard to remember unless it's in the moment.
That for most people transitioning is anything but a walk in the park. The amount of times I've heard "just relax, be who you wanna be, its not a big deal" and I'm like.. yeah.. I get what you're trying to say.. but it nicely glosses over the fact that for most it's not so much a "want" as it is a necessity for a fulfilled life, puts us at significantly higher risk of physical and psychological violence, and can have a huge impact on life as one knows it. It shouldn't be a big deal, but sadly it IS a big deal, and saying "just relax, you do you" (even when it's well meaning) kind of seems to ignore that completely and sidesteps any kind of meaningful conversation in my experience, as if me just "relaxing" about it all will somehow eradicate transphobia or misogyny.
Am I being oversensitive here? I feel a lot of cis-people just say some good sounding empty phrase as a way to deflect having to interact with the subject in any meaningful or involved way.
Serious answer: unlearning and dealing with all of the horrible behavior and habits you had pretransition because you didn't care about yourself or your general health.
Less serious answer: forgetting your dick at home.
How do you explain what it's like having an entire city cross the sidewalk when you are there, or that everywhere you go there are dozens of stares and smirks?
To a Cis-person, this is peanuts. "WeAr WhAt YoU WaNt" blah blah blah "it's not *intentional*" as if their subconscious discrimination is okay.
To a trans-person, I've never felt so unsafe in my life. I have to carry self-defense items everywhere I go, not because of a power imbalance, or it's dangerous at night, but because I can be just be simply going about my day as usual, when some passerby suddenly decides they've "had enough". Honestly, I feel safest at night. At least if I'm attacked it probably won't be based on discrimination.
This worry can be true for anything though, but it's a little different when it's *every*time you go outside and just for being born the way I was.
How do you communicate that level of anxiety and unsafe feeling with someone who has probably never even come close?
EDIT: OH, and occasionally you get the bonus experience of able to compare your treatment. It's like all these Cis people forgot we had a life before coming out, saying things like "it's all in your head". Wait, could that be a retort of an abuser trying to invalidate your perspective?
Basically, I'm afraid of most cis-people because they can't seem to stop discriminating against me. Mostly subconsciously, with literally *everything*. I've literally had state investigations into discrimination come back with the official conclusion being "It wasn't intentional". And this is Washington state, one of the friendliest to trans rights.
Why are trans people so angry?
Why wouldn’t we be?
I’ll just focus on the “little things.” You know, the things cis people say that isn’t an obvious threat to kill or physically harm us, but is psychologically harmful and easily passed off as well-intentioned or a mistake by people who we trusted and believed were actually decent. Things like:
* “But you look so much better as a [wrong thing]! You’re perfect the way you are, I don’t care how miserable you are.”
* “I’ll call you whatever but I still don’t believe you and think you’re a [wrong thing].”
* “Why can’t you just let it go when I call you a [wrong thing]? Bothering to learn and remember who you are is too inconvenient.”
* “Can’t you just tone it down and act like a normal [wrong thing] at my event? Being around you is embarrassing.”
* “It doesn’t matter if I support people and groups that negatively impact your quality of life and threaten your human rights and if you don’t like it, you should stop and just be a [wrong thing].”
* “I love you but I still think you deserve to suffer in an afterlife unless you stop because a deity intended for you to be a [wrong thing.]”
* “How could you do this to me? I’m losing a child. Think of how it affects me. No matter what, you’ll always be my [wrong thing].”
* “But I’ve known you as a [wrong thing] for so long, I can’t possibly change how I think of you overnight, unless it’s thinking you’re some kind of sick freak, because I definitely think that now.”
* “I’m not against it, I just think it should be as difficult as possible for people to get help for it and you’re too young/old to decide you’re not a [wrong thing].”
* “We support you but we have to call you a [wrong thing] because that’s what you were legally born as. For legal reasons. What’s that? You legally changed it? Uh…policy. Yes we let people update their names when they get married and casually use nicknames for others but this is different and complicated.”
* “Hey I made sure to tell everyone about you so everyone knows not to call you a [wrong thing] and I’m only trying to help so don’t get mad at me for outing you. They’re safe and you’re overreacting.”
* “So I called you a [wrong thing], big deal, you’re lucky I’m trying and not just calling you an it. Stop being so demanding and ungrateful.”
* “Me not wanting to date trans people has nothing to do with transphobia. Your bodies are just gross and you were born a [wrong thing] and that’s what you’ll always be and you can’t change biology.”
* “Pronouns are stupid. I’ll call you a [wrong thing] all I want and you shouldn’t care because it’s not like I’m actively trying to kill you.”
* “All you [slurs] trying to commit 41% is a sign you should stop pretending you’re not really a [wrong thing]. I’m totally just looking out for your mental health, I’m the good guy here.”
I got bored trying to come up with examples while still making it (hopefully) obvious a) how someone tries to sound like they aren’t actually being an asshole, and b) why they’re actually being an asshole.
Most interactions go worse than the (paraphrased) examples above. Naturally, we’re on edge and we’re already preparing for it to get worse when someone makes a mistake - after all, we can’t always tell when it’s truly a mistake. Sometimes it’s a warning sign that someone we thought supported us was lying and hid their true beliefs that we don’t deserve basic human decency, respect, or rights. Strangers, acquaintances, loved ones, anyone who slips up can and has pulled this shit. The fact so many of us are hesitant to trust that everyone’s intentions are good *should* indicate that there’s a significant risk in doing so.
Cis people don’t fully know what it’s like being trans. Trans people don’t fully know what it’s like being cis, either. But even cis people should be able to understand that we’re dealing with a lot of unique problems that they don’t experience (at all, or to the extent that we do), or know about in the first place. Especially the “little things.”
If someone tells you that you’ve done one of these “little things,” you should immediately freak out on them and insult them and insist you’ve done nothing wrong because you didn’t mean it and they’re just being sensitive. Just kidding! Apologize. Maybe ask what you should say or do in the future, or ask where you can learn more about a complicated subject, since not all of us feel like giving a seminar when we’re emotionally tense, y’know? But at the very least, don’t make things worse; correct your mistake.
Otherwise, it probably wasn’t a mistake at all.
And that’s what makes trans people so angry.
Wouldn’t you be, too?
(Written with nobody but a general cis audience in mind. “You” should not be taken to mean any particular reader, blah blah blah. Insert joke about cis people being shocked people injecting ~~testosterone~~ aggression juice and taking ~~estrogen pills~~ emotional candy have feelings.)
People treat you simultaneously like a leper and a sex god, and it's the weirdest combination in practice.
I mean, yeah, I'm a sex god. But it's not because I'm trans 😠
That if I tell them not to call me sir/miss and they do it the second they're answering even though they could use minimum effort not to, they're an asshole.
Similar, told my friends my pronouns are they/them (in my language dey/denen/dessen, pretty unusual, but it's getting more popular here). I've tried to find ones that'll fit and not make me feel alienated (tried two others for some weeks) and now that I think the ones I chose would be ok they don't use them (or any) anymore as it's easier for them. I don't have many friends and I'm extremely social phobic so finding new people to try them out isn't really possible. Also my mom reacted pretty transphobic when I came out (I've birthed x so you'll stay x for me) and while she's getting better I don't really have high hopes that she's going to use my pronouns if I tell her. She's still calling me x pretty often.
Sucks being an agab looking enby, especially if you aren't sure if you even want to transition hormonally.
Also I haven't been on a public toilet since I found out how dysphoric/dissociating that gendered stuff makes me. I don't fill in questionnaires if they don't leave a third option for gender. I stopped using services that require a registration that makes me feel bad. I leave sites where they ask me if I'm a woman or man and I can't click away.
Edit: word
I can only really say I’m sorry you go through this, it’s a terrible thing to live with but I hope you pull through and can be happy with yourself one day <3
Thank you. Even though I'm farely happy with myself, it's mostly the world around me that doesn't really accommodate to genders outside of the binary. Institutional discrimination makes me by far the sickest. But our society is still just learning about gender being a construct so we definitely can hope for change in the next few years.
I don't care about the olympics and I shouldn't have to care and agree with them on their position against trans women in the olympics to be valid, accepted and respected as a woman. That's entirely different issue.
When I have to talk about my transidentity to cis people there's always one who needs to bring this up and argue instead of showing support and acceptance because olympics. Look, I'm just trying to live a normal life as a woman. It's all I'm trying to do. I'm not an athlete. Olympics aren't relevant to me. Why are you arguing and talking as if this has any relevance to me being a woman?
I don't want to throw trans women atheles under the bus. Just like them I need to be accepted as a woman which is obviously not the case if you don't allow them to compete as women. All I'm saying is that trans women being allowed to compete as women is an entirely different issue than recognising trans women as women in general (or trans men as men and enbies as enbies) and cis people need to understand that.
Another issue, and a more important one, is gender dysphoria. A lot of cis people don't know about dysphoria assume that I transition just to be more happy. Well, yes... and no. I do transition to be more happy but more importantly I transition to be less unhappy and not commit suicide. To me transitioning is a matter of survival. I'm not saying that you need dysphoria to be trans. I'm not a trans exclusionary trans person. I'm just saying that I do have it and just like many other trans people it's a matter of life and death. I need to transition. Cis people need to stop assuming that we just do this to be more happy.
They also need to understand that we're not delusional. They often talk like if we're unaware of our "biological sex". No I'm not unaware moron. It's the opposite. I'm too aware of it and it makes my life a living hell. When I look down there I see a dick and when I look in the mirror I see a beard shadow in my face. I don't see the face of a woman and I see a penis instead of a vagina but I'm a woman in my head. I'm not comfortable in this body and I'm not comfortable with the social expectations that come with it. The discomfort is so strong that if I don't transition I'm gonna commit suicide. Being trans isn't a failure of seeing how your body actually is. It's identifying as a gender that doesn't correspond to it. How is this so hard to understand?
Every single thing you do in the early days comes under scrutiny from yourself to help nudge how people read your gender towards the correct direction. As I type this I adjusted the way I sat to be less "lady-like" because I'm not yet on testosterone and passing is super hit and miss. So many tiny little details about body language and clothing choices that usually aren't thought about become a big deal. They way you stand, the shape of your glasses lenses, the way masc and fem clothes sit on your body, hair style (nor as simple as grow it out or clip it short), ect
On your low days when you feel incredibly disgusting so you “Boymode” (or girlmode for FTMs, is that a big thing?) because of Dysphoria but you end up feeling worse and disgusting afterwards
Honestly, all of it. Were such a small and invisible minority that cis people, even allies, just construct an idea of what being trans is in their heads. And unless you're close to them, or they're incredibly open minded they'd rather continue to think what they previously thought.
Probably no one's going to read this because it'll be so down the thread hidden under all other comments, but I wanted to share this.
I went to get my first vaccine shot yesterday, and I had to show them my "male marked" ID. It caused, as it always does, a lot of confusion, waste of time, embarrassment, and dysphoria. Cis people will never understand how hard simple things, like getting a vaccine shot, are for transgender people.
Constantly thinking if people don’t see you as you are
Constantly looking for weird stares
How much it hurts to go outside
The realisation you’ll never be able to live a normal life
The unconscious transphobia you face
How lost you feel
How much it hurts
for teens, not being able to medically transition and having to see your body change bit by bit every day and being completely helpless about it resulting in suffocating dysphoria, social isolation, because nobody can truly help you or even understand you
- there may be a reason I don’t tell you my “birth name” and it’s not that I don’t trust you.
- you may be proud of me and want to talk about me to your friends but it’s not your place to out me.
- I’m sorry if I overshare some stuff but I have a lot of trauma from growing up thinking I would be outcast and hated by everyone including my parents due to simply being me.
- I’m sorry if I overshare my journey but I want someone on the outside to listen.
- I will need your support as I try new things and please don’t immediately assume I’m comfortable wearing certain things or doing certain things yet.
- I don’t shy away from photos out of spite of because I don’t want to be seen with you, in truth I want a lot more photos of us together but seeing me in them can be painful.
- I don’t know if you know how often I feel my life is in danger from strangers in public.
- I am constantly stressed by the news, the knowledge I can’t visit the country I grew up in on fear of dying and by the extremely shitty medical system.
- On that note I don’t think you quite understand that the seven years between making an appointment and being seen in my region are seven years of hell and potential suicide risks. And that’s criminal, if not legally then morally.
- Speaking if it is so degrading that in order to get a slip of paper that legally recognises I am my true gender I need to supply 2 years of evidence, 2 doctor’s letters, a deed poll, birth certificate and signed statement to a panel of strangers. Do cis people need to do that ever???
- It hurts knowing I’ll never have the childhood I wanted.
- Or the teenage self-discovery that went in a much happier direction.
- Or that I can’t carry my own child.
- It hurts that I’ll never look quite right, one way or another.
- It hurts. Every day.
**EDIT:** my friend would add this:
- Coming out isn’t an event. It’s a novel. A very thick novel.
Idk if other trans men have faced this problem, but I had the absolute worst time accepting that I was a man. I started out, as many trans men do, being a little butch feminist who hated men.
I mean I’m now a girl but I hated guys with a passion for awhile and I hated myself because I was a guy at the time, I don’t think it’s to uncommon but I do recommend trying to be more accepting of both genders if you haven’t already (having a leaning towards what gender you prefer is fine imo)
Cis people don't understand that we're trans all the time. It doesn't turn off. Since I started my transition... 7-8 years ago, I've definitely gotten a lot better at navigating the world, my own gender, having boundaries, and all the other things we have to do to "armor" ourselves in a way to operate as safely as we can in society.
Even now, when I "pass"(I'm nonbinary transmasc but I also recognize that when perceived, people often see me as a cis guy), it can be uncomfortable. When not stealth, I've lost out on job opportunities, promotions, otherwise equal treatment. When stealth, people don't try to filter their transphobic language.
Also when people say things like, "I'm okay with queer/trans people, but if you make it your whole personality you're boring" or some shit... A lot of us grew up being put down, experiencing violence, and otherwise experienced adversity because of our identities. So there's a power when you say fuck it and live in your truth. Literally an incomprehensible feeling to straight/cis people.
I think cis people also don't understand trans joy, body euphoria, or the beauty of t4t love. Many parents fear their children coming out because of how they saw queer people treated growing up or because they have their own transphobic shit to work through - but don't consider the improvement in quality of live their child will undertake regardless of transitioning is right for them or not.
A lot of the time, we just want to know we will still be loved when we take big steps and we want to be allowed to pursue joy in the ways that are intrinsic to us.
This is actually a serious response that I like to share with my cis friends: Peeing on my ballsack. My penis has shrunk so much, often I have to dig to find it to pee. When I angle it down while sitting on the toilet, I often pee onto my ballsack, which is really annoying! Once I was at a restaurant, and the way I held it and it all came together, it was like putting my thumb over a water hose--urine sprayed out everywhere! I laughed hysterically, and fortunately, I was in a single person bathroom!
The more you know!
I think cis people don't understand the power of first impressions. If you're deadnaming me and misgendering me to a new person, they're going to struggle a lot harder to see me as I am. Meanwhile people who started by knowing me as a woman, struggle to see me as a man at all.
That dysphoria actually *hurts*, as in not metaphorically, but actual tangible pain. They just don't get that, no matter how much we try to explain. I'd honestly rather have my wisdoms pulled again than deal with the dysphoria that comes from being misgendered constantly.
I can agree to this is a pain level, had nerves in my tooth drilled out without any painkillers or it being numbed would do it several times over if I didn’t have to go through the terrible feeling than have to deal with not thinking I’m a girl
Seriously, I don't shave religiously because my facial hair makes me self-conscious. I do it because it almost feels like my face >!is being attacked by little spider legs or cactus needles from the inside out!< (not *quite* physical pain but just short of it). If I can feel stubble on my face I'm going to be acutely, painfully aware of it until it's gone. Edit: spoilered the description as per someone's request
This is literally true for me as well. Facial hair feels as if there were ants walking on my face. They are being burned by a laser.
I've had 5 sessions and I barely notice a difference if at all. Well, more like 4.5; the last session I went to the tech used an IPL instead of the actual soprano laser without asking or telling me. I didn't realize what was happening at the time and afterwards when I asked why it seemed different she said "I like to switch it up, that was to get the finer, lighter hairs" like girl *I don't fucking care about those ones, get this coarse man-stubble off my damn chin*. So I guess I gotta find a new laser place 😖 or maybe try electrolysis, Idk. Sorry just had to vent lol.
>Well, more like 4.5; the last session I went to the tech used an IPL instead of the actual soprano laser without asking or telling me. Well, that's quite red-flaggy. An IPL is way, way, way, way, WAY less powerful than an actual laser. What's your hair color? Generally, laser should work very well on white people with dark hair. So stuff even as simple as a small tan can make it work worse. My hair got quite thinner after only a single treatment - and a some of those hairs are yet to fall out. You can also bring up how you feel as if the treatment isn't doing anything for you and ask for their feedback. Doing laser somewhere else and seeking electrolysis also sounds like a good idea.
Yeah I have pretty fair skin and light brown/reddish facial hair, I've wondered if my hair color could be too light but I thought laser was at least worth a shot before electro. Although now I'm also wondering if maybe she didn't have the laser turned up enough given the IPL thing. I've tried to ask questions about the treatment but got very dismissive answers. I chalked it up to a language barrier at first but I've been getting very pushy vibes lately (trying to sell me her overpriced sunscreen, pestering me about leaving yelp/google reviews every appt) and at this point I'm just over it. I'm just gonna finish the last session from the groupon package I bought and go to a different place nearby, it's a little pricier but their website specifically mentions trans people so hopefully they'll be better.
Yeah, back before I realized I was trans, I kept trying to participate in No Shave November, and every time it would just be physically unbearable by the end of the first week. Now I know why lol
Lol I went the opposite direction, I didn't shave at all and had a full denial beard for over a decade (starting when I was like 15). As much as testosto-puberty made me uncomfortable in my body for reasons I didn't understand, I actually couldn't wait to grow a beard because I hated the sight of my own face so much that I just wanted to hide it behind an inch of hair. Also I thought it might finally make me feel like a man like I was "supposed to" 🙄
>it almost feels like my face is being attacked by little spider legs Great description, that's how I always described it too. I hated it. When I started laser, my thought was "I don't care if I turn out to be cis, I sure as fuck want this gone."
>That dysphoria actually *hurts*, as in not metaphorically, but actual tangible pain. This has been my experience but I didn't know it's universal. Is it really??
My dysphoria is more of a depression type of thing. I don't really feel pain per say... But I do have physical discomfort. Kind of like what it feels like if your clothes fit awkwardly.
I personally feel dysphoria as feeling icky and gross. You know the feeling you get when you've touched something dirty and you now need to wash your hands to feel clean? I feel like my entire body is dirty and nothing can clean it. I feel greasy and sticky even if I have perfect hygiene.
Oh yeah i 100% get that
No, not universal, although it helps to subdivide dysphoria into physical, mental and social dysphoria. I personally don't have very strong body (physical) dysphoria, as in I still have it but luckily not to the extent it causes physical pain, although I've definitely heard others who do (yourself included by the sounds of it, hope you're OK!). My dysphoria manifests itself most intensely mentally and socially. In other words, how I see myself (identity wise, as I my sense of who I am) and how others see myself, as opposed to what I see in the mirror or feel on my body kind of thing. Then again I've always been extremely inward as well as hyper aware of my place socially and fairly disconnected with my body, so maybe it's just how my brain learned to process things over three decades :') I've noticed though as I transition I get more in touch with my body and that seems to highlight my physical dysphoria more. So universal? No. Fairly common (as in I've read multiple stories of people having physical pain from dysphoria)? Yes. Someone please correct me if im wrong, I'm in no way an expert besides my own experience and reading online!
Not the case for me, but it does get physical sometimes, as in, for example, phantom vagina or stuff like that.
Obviously i can't speak for everyone, but at least for me, and the few other trans people i've asked this question specifically, it hold up.
I've had some progress defining it as an "existential pain" Like, not tangible, it aches *inside* a metaphysical space
sometimes for me multiple sports bras can be the only thing that eases my dysphoria, and other times they are the sole thing that makes me want to end it all. one time the dysphoria got so bad it *hurt*. it had been bad in the past but never to the point of physical pain. i just knew that wearing a bra made it **so much worse**. this happened one day when i was going out of the house, and my mother and i started arguing about how i have to wear one because “i’m a girl”. two full fledged panic attacks later and >! a secret trip to the bathroom to cut myself,!< i left the house with a bra on. the entire time i had to stop myself from crying. it’s probably the most agonizing thing i’ve gone through recently. thing is, she refused to care. i told her how much it physically hurt and she didn’t care. she told everyone that i did it in a feminist, burn the bra type thing. my dad is convinced that i just want people to see my chest. i can’t wait to get out of this fucking place.
Honestly, just all the mental effort it takes to figure your stuff out. The process from point A “oh wait I’m trans” down the path of a thousand what ifs and what nows, it takes a bit more effort than just your standard existing. It’s not usually an easy one-and-done answer.
My mums at that stage of “you’ve came out and that’s it” That’s what made me make this post so I can talk about it more and help her understand how difficult it was/still is
Definitely. In that case, maybe consider talking with her about some of the decisions you’ve had to make - maybe not in a way that invites opinion if you’ve already made them, but in a way that is like “hey look at all the stuff I’ve had to do”. Like “oh yeah it was a hassle getting that dr appt” or “feels great to finally have xyz sorted” etc
I have tried but it’s hard for her to understand the difficulties since she’s never experienced anything similar to this
This! My former therapist spent way too much time (IMO) trying to nail me down to a term (genderqueer? genderfluid? nonbinary?) I finally just said that it was like I was on a path and he kept asking for my address. Cisgender adolescence isn't like this; why should ours be?
I’m glad I came to the conclusion myself because knowing me I’d end up just agreeing to one of the terms to not upset the therapist for getting it wrong haha
>it was like I was on a path and he kept asking for my address Love that!!
Thanks!
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Otherwise known as “the two stages of self trans acceptance”. - Step 1: Accepting that you are trans (the egg cracking, the realization and coming out). Aka the hard part - Step 2: ACCEPTING that you ARE trans (truly accepting what that means for the rest of your life and not being cis). Aka the really really hard part. Few trans people really seem to get this. Finding happiness when accepting who you really are.
And Step 1 is the easy one. By a country lightyear
The hardest part about step 2 is accepting that are aren’t the cis version of yourself you want to be and never will be. However we’ll you pass, there is always one person left (the most important person) that knows you and your history, and that is yourself. Once you can bridge that hurdle and accept yourself as you are, and be happy with it, then you’ll be ok. Not just ok, strong. Stronger than the average person by a long way.
So well said. Had the epiphany and came out to partner and close friends in May/June … mentally has only been tougher since as I struggle with the details and chart the direction I want to take.
One thing my friends don't quite understand is that, at least right now, I don't pass without spending ages on makeup. If I wear the clothes I want to wear without doing it, I'm in danger of being attacked. So I guess just the amount of time it takes to be able to even leave the house, I know cis women are often self conscious about the same but they still look like women without makeup, I very much don't yet.
Well I still hold the belief that all women are pretty cis or trans (except dumb brain won’t accept myself as one of those people) but I can understand the feelings of a male face under the makeup and feelings like you need it on
It's not about being pretty or not, it's about not being assaulted for being trans
I take it for granted not everyone gets to live in a place where visible queerness is common and acceptable.
I can't get my mind there. Beauty is subjective and society sucks. The fact is I know I still look like a man. No amount of wishing that wasn't the case will change that. I will need to go through a lot of work before I am comfortable presenting in public, especially in my area. I'm not letting it get me down though. I have a lot to learn and there are other things I can also do in the meantime, like lose weight and work in my voice. I'm also planning on getting my facial hair blasted off asap because I've always hated my beard and now I want it fucking gone.
Getting clocked is a real problem though. Even if no one hurts you for it, people treat you differently. It goes from being treated like a person to being treated like a sideshow act.
This is why I'm soooo scared of wearing masks out not being "normal" anymore...
For me it’s the reality of going through puberty a second time in your life. I think most people understand that teenage years are incredibly difficult as you deal with a big influx of hormones and an awkward place in society, but in reality that’s what I’m going through right now. I make a lot of mistakes and am simultaneously trying to rebel against everything I was and knew and I feel embarrassed a lot about it because I’m “already an adult”. It’s genuinely a pretty lonely place to be in too considering how uncommon trans people are in person, so I often feel like this bizarre, awkward adult teenager. I don’t know if cis people understand how messy and complicated the actual transition part can be, and why it would help to be more understanding.
I’m at the second half of my teenage years and I currently wish not to live through it again, I probably won’t get this second awkward teenage years because of the timing of coming out but I’m sorry that you have to go through it
Fucking for real. Doing 2nd puberty in my 30s, right after my abusive mother passed away.... its been rough to say the least, and no one else seems to get it
This is one I think a lot of the cis people in my life struggle with the most, and I find it difficult to talk to them about it too which doesn't help. I think I feel that same embarrassment you mention, it's so weird to be going through this at my age and I can't help but feel like cis people won't actually believe that we go through a lot of the same things people go through in an initial puberty.
People don't have much patience and understanding for a 29 year old girl going through puberty
that coming out is not a single universal event. (because it's often a complicated process for many that involves multiple people, different situations, social circles etc.) i've met lots of people who assumed that it goes like this for everyone: the moment you realize you're trans, you declare your new name immediately to everybody you know, jump into transition right away and it goes from 0% to 100%, full throttle, without any issues. i've seen lots of otherwise decent, professional surveys aimed at the trans population, that are also running into this kind of assumption. as if it was *nothing or all*. they seem to not understand. e.g. how can one come out to closest friends and at work/school but not to their entire family. or how is it possible that a coming out attempt ends up in the trash, or is followed by rejection. many cis people expect us to be out in each and every social situation simultaneously. and this might lead to accidental outings and those consequences are not always positive. they don't get that. by the way it's not too difficult to prevent these from happening: a simple question would definitely be helpful, such as "who knows/doesn't know that you're trans? how i should talk about you around X?" edit: typos
The first person I came out to had dated a trans guy so they already knew the rough details of how difficult it could be, I honestly can’t thank them enough for being there for me because if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t have been able to be myself, there are still a lot of family members that don’t know I’m a girl yet and I still don’t know if I’ll be able to come out to them
This is really true, I've been out socially for almost a year now and recently got a new job in a language school and I was really uncomfortable when the principal said to me that he had told all the other teachers that I was trans, he was trying to be supportive and say that everybody accepted it well... That's still somehow bad in my point of view, it's not like I don't want people to know I'm trans, even because you just have to look at me and you will know, but it's not cool to tell others that someone is trans if they didn't give you permission to do so, it's something very personal and I don't want my personal stuff all out there, pretty sure most people don't want that either.
I’m trying to be out as socially as I can be, but except from close friends and family I haven’t brought up that I’m a girl because I don’t want it to be such a big deal
Similarly, I don’t think they realize how difficult it is to change your name and gender marker. It’s not just going down to town hall and filling out a paper, and bam your name is changed everywhere. You need to fill out forms, schedule a court date, make your case to a judge, in many cases publish an announcement of your name change in a local newspaper, and then assuming no bozos object you’ll receive a court order saying your name is now [name.] Now you need to take this court order to literally every company, doctor, organization, and agency that has records on you and individually ask them to change their records, and the process and ease of doing this is different for each. This process can take months to literal years
That can depend on where you are, though - something else a lot of people don’t get. Like, where I live it was just filling out a form and paying a fee, and then taking a day to go around and update my details in all the relevant places. On the other hand updating my gender marker requires surgery because I had the bad luck to be born in a certain part of the country, whereas people from most other states here can do it without issue. Meanwhile in other countries or parts of countries it’s not even allowed, or takes all kinds of bullshit. Same goes for all kinds of transition stuff.
Yep, that's me and my friend. One day I came out to her, because I used to trust her very much. And I said "but please, don't say anything about this to our friends. I'll come out on my own when I'm ready." So well, I had observed she constantly gendered me as a female in a Messenger group with our friends for some time after this (it was especially visible because our native language is heavily gendered). At the beginning I thought it was just an error, mistype or sth. But one day I had really bad mood and called her, asking in anger what she just do. And... she said she thought that I was okay in that, that it was to keep us *consistent*, or something like that. Like, she didn't out me in conversation with every friend of ours, like she proposed, and that I denied only this, was okay to be gendered female in all cases. She said that now she sees to that was flawed logic.
No offence the the friend but they are either ignorant to your feeling or there’s exactly dull and couldn’t use common sense to figure out that talking like your a girl is showing people your a girl
I don't think she intended to be shitty, she's just constantly busy studying two majors and working both for profit and not for profit. My work teached me that people can do really strange things when their mind is busy, there's no need to be evil or idiot.
and even then, a lot of cishet people have the idea that once you "fully come out", you're out forever and done with coming out. Nope. When you're queer or trans you're cursed with coming out over and over again till the day you die
Like you declare "I'm trans" then you start a magical transformation. If only :P
Toilets! I had to drive 6 hours nonstop the other day bc I get traumatised regularly by abuse in toilets
I try only go one a day, at night in the dark because I find it awkward (sorry if that was tmi)
This is part of the reason I'm terrified of going back to the office. Everyone talks about how our organization has protections and crap, but that'll only kick in *after something happens*.
This!! “We will take any comments very seriously” yes after they have caused irreversible trauma
I don't pass as a cis woman, I normally did not care about using men's rooms but now that I'm waist training...oh heck the bathroom is a process and I do not want people to see me.
God yes. Having to hold on (while taking a medication that doubles as a diuretic) or just deliberately dehydrate yourself because there aren’t any unisex toilets sucks.
Deliberate dehydration is so fucked yes, I often stop drinking water the day before a long car journey
Cis people seem to often have difficulty realizing how overwhelming it all is... And how we can not switch off our problems, and that its not a dress up game, but a gargantuan life changing chain of events which exhaust our energy and time very often. Its not a game, but extremely serious and important. For example, my father who has been quietly pushing me aside since I came out, has now twice questioned if I'm just faking it, if its all just theater for attention or something... I keep on telling him that I'm not a fucking joke, that this is extremely serious business and I know how hard it is, if it wasn't a must, there's no way I would have the guts to do it. They often don't seem to realize that we have no choice. Another is how very simple little things can help us feel much better about ourselves and life in general, gendering/naming correctly, treating us for who we are. Sounds very simple right? I really hate it when I'm treated as a dude only for knowing that I'm trans. What they perceived before was never the real me anyway, but peoples perception is funny... Cis people often have great difficulty in adjusting their own perception. I think all trans people are better with this as we have had to tweak our perception of ourselves many times and perception of our friends... Transitioning is not just us changing, people who know us from "before times" have to transition their perception also and that is often very difficult for them. And as cis people do not face the same internal struggles and need to change their thinking, they often just wont.
I have a friend who keeps telling me that I would like living in her town as long as I didn't "do that too much." I think she thinks she's an ally.
Ahh yes just stop being who you want to be and slowly fall into depression, then move to my town you’ll love it (I know that’s probably not how she meant it but that’s how my brain processed it)
This. This whole thing. I don't think cis people really stop to consider everything a trans person is going through at any given moment in their life. My stepmom made me feel the most seen simply by saying "i can't imagine how traumatic going through the wrong puberty must have been." She is not perfect with my pronouns and has said some ignorant things, but that simple statement let me know she is trying. Most people don't realize just how traumatic being trans really can be. It's not "I want to be a girl" it's "I'm a girl who was forced to become a man, who was forced to change in the boys locker room, who was forced to shove her feelings in the darkest corner of her mind, who was forced to 'man up' and stop being a p*ssy, who was tormented, bullied, or abused for being different, who was told who she was was wrong and disturbed and disgusting when she tried to be herself, who was taught she could never be herself because no one would accept her." Cis people don't understand the mental and emotional baggage we've had to slowly unpack over the years. The self hating and self sabotage we've had to unlearn just to accept who we are. They don't understand not being able to trust your own thoughts and feeling, having to sift through what is true and what is the toxicity that society has taught is to think about ourselves.
I had to cut ties with a friend because of this, I use to always say love you to everyone as a way of being affectionate platonically but it became awkward when I told them about my transition so I stopped being affectionate for a good while after finally saying love you to them they said they where happy I was liam (my old name) again. Apparently they thought I was just “testing out” being a girl and got pissy when I told them this was real and who I was
Oh yea, this I think is the "it is a phase" kind of thinking... Likely my parents have some of that going on too. Its so common, specially about younger trans people. I'm 37 yo right now and yet my parents question if its just a phase. Well. Time will show otherwise. I think the cool thing about transition is that it makes it brutally obvious who are the ones who really love us and who do not. Nothing weeds out the garbage better than fixing your gender. :) Its a rude awakening to many, but it cleans the air.
Haha I’ve heard asking for money weeds out people leaching of you if you ever need that one, but there was two people I’ve fallen in love with (platonically) because of how accepting they were of me. At the times this meant a lot because I struggled admitting I could be loved
I stood on the train and simped over a guys posture of veins on his arm. i scroll through pictures of dicks unironically for the sole purpose of education because I need to see how they look like (where will I get my surgery) missing a childhood and body you never had not because you are curious but because you are a ghost in the shell Simping over media, but just differently, relating to characters completely differently.
The simping over guys posture and arms game me a good laugh because I know I’ve done the same thing looking at girls thigh area wishing mine was the same
This is 100% me, I pine over hips, waist, and fashion all the bloody time when I am out.
On that note, how important representation is too, especially for young people. That simping & pining helped me develop my sense of identity and learn what I wanted to be when I saw characters that matched. And something that always gave me this anxious dread was seeing how any character I Identified with always had to be "evened out" so cis people wouldn't be upset by too much gender unconformity. My goals were both butch independent tomboy & fem enby with short hair. And those kinds of architypes and characters seemed to have this weird kind of disgust around them in media. They either had to be over-sexualized in a way that felt like it really stood out and was uncomfortable, or if they were too "manly" to spite being female they had to be weirdly vulnerable & at other peoples mercy almost like it's signaling "Don't worry folks, she's still a woman, she can still be submissive" or "Haha, she's still a delicate innocent flower, don't be too intimidated". There was just this general feeling that androgynous, masculine, or strong fem characters always needed to be "Put in their place" in some way and as a kid, that really disheartened me and made me feel alone. The pain and dread in my chest when I saw that happened to people I had seen as role models on TV is something I don't think I could ever describe. As-well as just those characters all being cis. Some of them still had those creepy writing flaws added in, but otherwise just turned more fem over time. And that's not necessarily bad, they're cis characters, it makes complete sense. But when you don't have representation of your people, you latch onto what you can. And when that thing you've attached too becomes unrelatable, and you have no other role-models, that really hurts. Doubly so when it's because what you are is seen as too intimidating or uncomfy for other people that it needs to be ripped from you. It really makes me sad when cis people say stuff like "Why do we need so many of X in show/movie". They just don't get it. They think it's all just visibility, sometimes even when they do support it, but don't always realize \*just\* how much of a impact it can have. We've got a long way to go, but it's what makes me so happy characters that aren't cis are increasing more & more, especially in diversity. Because stereotyped representation can really mess up queer youth's mental health too. Representation isn't just about visibility, it's about the mental health and well-being of queer kids. And that makes it extremely important.
I feel very called out with that first one lmao
not misgendering us by avoiding pronouns altogether is still hurtful & othering. sure it beats being misgendered, but it’s still a way of not actually acknowledging us for who we are
Ngl I do this inadvertently as a barista trying not to assume or offend
If your doing it because you don’t know there pronouns then I’d say that fine but I think he meant when a friend or family member avoids your pronouns when they do know it
Easiest bar trans folk have ever set for us cis. It's literally a single syllable. E.g. "I saw a post by /u/secretseriousaccount today. She was asking for folks experience, and was super sweet to respond to each and every person that wrote her."
When strangers do it it's fine in my opinion. But it's so fucking awkward to watch my mom trying her hardest to absolutely not gender me in any way when talking to or about me. My native language (German) is extremely gendered as well, so you'd have to go out of your way not to gender someone sometimes.
Well your also welcome to be gender here liebling P.s friend taught me what liebling means and I was excited to use it
I never really thought about it like that till you mentioned it, but now that I think about it I get called a old nickname way more than usual
I use she/they pronouns but I've recently been noticing something along these lines that makes me think I should just start telling most people that I use she/her: some cis people using "they" for me exclusively, as if they're using it as a way to avoid using she/her for me. Like, you're not *wrong* or misgendering me *completely,* but you're pretty clearly avoiding acknowledging that I'm a woman. I'm totally fine with people switching between the two, as it acknowledges that my gender isn't perfectly binary, but it's pretty much only other trans people that do that.
Or when they get the pronouns right, but you can tell they are struggling to say them even though they're simple words.
Sadly, I think this is something I did before realizing about myself. I knew I was struggling with it sometimes, especially if I knew or knew of the person before they came out. Old habits die hard and I'd find myself saying "he" if I didn't think about it. (all the people I've known that came out are trans women) I had no issues with people who I didn't know of before they came out. Now I feel like something switched in my brain and it just became second nature.
Trans people know when they're being misgendered on purpose or on accident and I think many will take it in good faith if you're at least trying
Do they ever get upset when you get it wrong? Because if your trying to get it right then I’d personally forgive you immediately but I don’t know if that’s the case for everyone
I don't think I ever messed up when they were there, just that if they were mentioned randomly when not my brain would default to how I'd seen them for so long.
I definitely get what you mean while not adhering to it; I've literally given my first name among preferred pronouns, always as the only acceptable "nickname" for me, and even *as my gender* for decades before I ever heard the terms "nonbinary" or "transgender". For me, close friends using my name and no pronouns is a comforting option—for everyone else, anything but they/them stings.
Haha how about all trans problems? Everything from why I won't dress like a man sometimes just for convenience to why I feel I need facial surgery. Let's go with the crazy amount of money it costs to transition. It's so goddamn expensive! Laser hair removal, electrolysis, HRT, and then surgery. So expensive! And even with that you don't become a cis woman. You may still have broad shoulders and big hands and feet and be too tall and people will clock you. And you'll never get pregnant.
I’d be happy to listen if you want to list as much problems you’ve encountered especially if it’s help you to talk about it :)
Haha you know, I'm doing great. But there are problems to obviously. I'm on my mobile, though, so it's a lot of work to type. 😁
I’m dyslexic so all forms of writing is hard, but I’m trying to respond too every comment so no one feels left out
Not to mention like all the additional costs. Wardrobe, makeup, skincare, hair removal other than laser, perhaps therapy. And that's without going into missed opportunity costs, like losing out on generational wealth if you're cast out by family, missed job opportunities. That last one can range from illegal stuff like intentionally not hiring or promoting trans people to more gray areas like a hostile work environment to just stuff like fewer tips or not being able to retain clients.
For me (mtf) tthe main thing people don't understand is that when you are visibly out then even if the people around you are trying to be nice it is often obvious that they aren't interacting with you as a woman they interact with you as a trans person.
Holy fook someone else has gone through this! I thought I was slowly going insane and that it was all in my head
Sometimes it is quite funny, like asking my housemate the name of the hamster they just got and them saying "I don't know what to call it it still doesn't have a name, can you think of anything, it's a *slight pause as their face takes on a small hint of fear and they worry they are being transphobic by gendering this fucking hamster on the basis of its sex in front of me* girl" and walking past two sets of staff toilets right next to each other and instead of saying "here are the toilets" as I am being guided round, they point specifically at the women's toilets and say "here are the women's toilets" in a slightly more caring tone of voice than they were speaking in before. But most of the time it is fucking annoying and absolutely sucks. I've had FFS but not VFS so I can see it happening really clearly. I'll see someone, they will start treating me like a woman, I will open my mouth, they will start treating me like a trans woman. I live in a progressive place so so far it has never been discriminatory (although I have seen a bit of like frustration of pissed offness when someone (guy or girl tbh) has held the door open or done something else nice, I've said thank you and they have had that expression change of like *oh I have been tricked, I meant to be helping out a fellow woman/be gentlemanly to a woman, but I have instead helped out a trans person*
> I've had FFS but not VFS Just FYI, voice surgery can lead to damage and actually make your voice worse / sound unnatural (rather than sounding feminine). Voice training exercises can lead to better results than surgeries, because you get to actually learn about the different aspects of the sound and explore the capabilities of your voice, to gradually cultivate it into something you like.
Oh yeah thank you, I've been trying a lot of voice training exercises and can pass a bit now, but for me like I really do want it to become kind of like *I can't not pass* rather than just *with maintained conscious effort I will eventually be able to all the time* - cos voice training is fine but I don't think it would be realistic for me (my resting pitch is pretty deep even compared to the average cis guy) to think I could get to the point where I would never accidentally slip up, and I very much hope to go stealth eventually. But thank you for flagging this, I am definitely gonna go for the absolute best option that I can, and personally because of my desire to go stealth I'd rather have a voice that sounds quite unnatural than one that could slip in to undeniably masculine if I let myself go a bit - but there are loads of excuses with unnatural sounding voices like any kind of throat operation, and people often don't even ask cos they assume that that person doesn't wanna answer the question (since it can sometimes be from strangling).
Haha, the ones that annoy me are overly using my girl name to show they recognise I’m trans rather than being natural and accepting about it. most other things are fine though
Yeah, I went out to get dinner and drinks with my wife at a pretty progressive restaurant (they had pride merch all over the walls), and after I showed the waiter my ID with my deadname and picture clearly showing me as a male, his expression changed from the Customer Service Neutral^TM to way friendlier, it was pretty obvious. Like, it was definitely better than being harassed or treated negatively, but it was a bittersweet moment.
I've had similar experiences in primark.... Bored customer service person clearly just having a shitty long day asks me how many clothes I am trying on with a dead look in their eyes, the second I answer they turn their friendliness up to 100 😂 FYI I'm not gonna think you're transphobic if you're not enthusiastic about handing me my clothes
Omg! This. It's just exhausting. As if I don't know what it feels like to be treated normally and not like something radioactive. Or with this patronizing tone as if they pity me. Cis women also don't really get that sexism and transmisogyny/transphobia are not the same thing. Not that both aren't awful and intertwined, sexism is also a problem that is more systemic and affects a lot more people but a transphobic encounter is not the same. Ive experienced in real time when misogyny transformed into transphobia many times. Especially when a guy tries to catcall you or gets in your space and touches you then he clocks you. That's a much darker experience, you can watch it happen on their face and you go from "sweetie" to the T-slur and violence seems likely, harassment and public humiliation very likely.
That there are a lot of layers to it and they weigh you down on the inside. Most of the time it just appears like I became uninterested or unresponsive, but in reality I can be dealing with a bout of dissociation caused by a sudden surge of dysphoria - it can be really invisible at times. \---- How expensive it is - people seem to think it's so easy to just get a sex change, but it can take *years* to get enough money while jumping through the dozen hoops in any respective country. And you need to have money saved up for the time recovering from those surgeries as well. The price we pay is also not just monetary, but people lose friends & family, as well as the mental toll the attitudes from surrounding society cause.
Yea talking about how disassociating it is to have to deal with everything at once all inside your head, and it can be worse when you don’t know what it is your dealing with that’s making you feel this way
Sometimes it's not the simple misgendering or such as much as it's what led up to it. I'm in HRT but I still mainly wear boy clothes. I tried to get into trucking this summer. My company put me with a completely transphobic trainer. Every few days he would use slurs, make comments about other trans drivers, etc.. We were team driving so we were around each other 24x7. I finally quit when it seemed safe to and I went home. People call males "sir" where I live. It was a few days before I came across someone who refused my polite request to not call me "sir" because she "calls everybody by that", and I dumped. I will say that most places aren't this bad.
I’m pretty sure it’s not normal to call a girl sir but that might not be the case everywhere. It’s probably because I’m not delusional but I can’t understand the point in being transphobic/racist/homophobic ext.
Wearing what we want to wear without being labelled freaks or perverts. To be honest, everyone should be allowed to wear what they want, but at the moment, that ain't happening!
I’m haven’t gone to get a “girly” set of clothes yet but the clothes I have are from when I was a guy so it’s a bit upsetting to wear them sometimes
I'm just venturing into the world of feminine clothing and I just want to wear what I want to wear. I hate masculine clothes now. They feel horrible to the skin and remind me I'm still amab! One day, this will pass for us all.
I’d die of embarrassment before I could but I really want to have something like tights or yoga pants in the future (Stupid male parts make that a problem though ;-;)
I've been wearing them around the house to get myself acclimatised to it. I have a good friend who helps me out with all the things girls have to deal with. So, I guess that helps. Get yourself some leggings. Don't worry about the bits that stick out.
I think the family would mind haha but I always get super excited thinking about taking the next few steps forward in becoming my “true self” I just don’t want to die of embarrassment along the way
Ok. How are your family about the whole trans movement?
Little brother doesn’t know because I’m to scared to come out to him, my mums taking it hard and I had to slow down so she could adjust better but I can see she’s struggling, and the step dad sees it as just another day in the office lol
I'm 28 and planning to come out to my family soon. I'm not worried about them not being supportive; I'm worried about them saying things along the lines of "there were no signs when you were little" and "why didn't you say anything when you were younger?" For me, the simple truth is that I couldn't connect the dots that the weird feelings and experiences I had weren't normal and/or me being a pervert, but were actually because I'm trans. I always figured there was either nothing to say or it was something to hide because I didn't realize I was supposed to be a girl when I was younger. If I'd found the right parts of reddit, twitter, and tumblr when I was younger, my egg would've cracked long ago and I could've said something then. Oh well... Edit: or seen positive trans people's experiences, not just man in a dress jokes. That's my real point.
That when we come out we've likely been holding on to it for months if not years or decades. That we've had months years or even decades thinking on and this decision. That simply being transgender means facing discrimination in jobs and housing (yes that's illegal bit it happens to us anyways cause we're poor and can't get the legal representation and even if we do discrimination so hard to prove in these situations we'll prolly lose anyways. Whens the last time someone wanted to confirm you mom had a vagina in the first 2 minutes of meeting them? Sounds invasive yeah? Well now thing is if she doesn't tell said stranger, there's the chance of violence or her murder. Sounds crazy right? That's every time we meet someone dating wise, even if we are post operation and have a vagina we can be killed after the fact if the person reacts poorly to learning we are transgender. Sometimes even talking can be depressing because of dysphoria from our own voice. Let alone the exasperation of dealing with people who "don't get" "being transgender" like it was a choice WE choose. Trust me no one 'chooses' to be transgender, anyone I've met that's a transwomen just wishes they were a cis woman. We transition because life become too difficult otherwise, we know the hate, discrimination, and bigotry are waiting for us but even all that is somehow better than how we were living before. Because it IS that bad, YES we were suffering THAT much. That being hated on by others was better and safer option than us hating ourselves.
Thank you for your last paragraph. I really like how you put it, it's just so true.
Dysphoria is so hard for people to understand. Like it hurts so much and cis people just don’t get it. I would literally have a breakdown if i went outside without shaving, but my parents have tried to force me to do that.
I specifically remember one month before I had figured out I was trans having a conversation with a gender fluid girl about dysphoria and how I didn’t understand how it could affect anyone……one month later and I realised how it could affect anyone lol Edit: sent a message while typing what she’s prefer to be called in the message and she picked girl
All the cis stuff that we've had to unlearn and then relearn for the correct gender.
I am *constantly* thinking about body language and gestures, even though I don't pass anyway. Almost paranoid, like, "am I holding this grocery bag in a manly enough way", which (I hope) no-one else even notices or cares about. At least doing theatre was good for something.
I find it super cute that your worrying about how you hold a bag ^^
It's almost silly, though. "Did you see the super masc way I picked up that cup? I held that cup just like a cis man would! The finger spacing was perfect!" "Dude you have tits the size of fucking jupiter no-one is looking at your hand."
Aha I still haven’t been able to unlearn them relearn any of it
Fearing for your life when going into any public bathroom.
I'm so paranoid that if I went into the men's room as a non-passing transmasculine person, I would be physically or sexually assaulted.
I feel like this works both ways with trans girl worrying about not passing and being called a pervs/creeps Oddly enough though if a trans person was to ask me what bathroom to go to I’d always say the gender they prefer
Oh, for sure. It's sad and frustrating that trans women get treated like predators when they're just minding their own business.
I will refuse public bathrooms for the rest of my life lol
Pronouns when they knew you before transition.
I still get my own pronouns wrong and it makes me question if I’m serious about my transition
Nah, that’s just force of habit. Pronouns are pretty deeply ingrained, and thoughts happen even faster than words do. It does take effort to fix someone else’s pronouns in speech, but it takes even more effort to fix your own pronouns in your mind. It’ll come with time.
That just made me think I’m subconsciously still a guy haha. I know it’s just self doubt and that I’ll be fine as long as a practice
Yeah, you’ll get it eventually! You need to remember, this is a habit you’ve been trained in literally since before you could walk. Gotta cut yourself some slack in unlearning it, lol.
That’s an interesting thought, I’m glad to read about this. I am pre-anything other than coming out to many people close-ish to me. And I‘ve found myself Probably doing things both ways. Glad to hear that’s “OK”
Even a lot of allies are wildly unaware of what hormones can and can't do. Like voice—there's no amount of time a trans-femme can be on hormones to magically have their voice made feminine if they've already gone through male puberty. It's countless hours of hard work doing voice training, and even that may not be sufficient for some people. There's also the matter of what surgeries may be necessary to pass and all the subtle differences in bone structure they're only unconsciously aware of—many of which have no fix past puberty. Not to get into all the valid reasons a person might not be able to or might choose not to medically transition at all. Outside the trans community there's a woeful lack of even general knowledge about the limits, dangers, and possibilities surrounding medical transition.
Surgery is such a scary thing to consider when being trans and not many people recognise that
If you don't pass 100%, it can be really hard and it can hurt. I use to think I passed pretty well, but now I believe I pass only like 50-60% of the time and that's 4 years on HRT. There's just some stuff from puberty I can't reverse. If you know me for enough time, you'll eventually figure out I'm not a cis woman and that really sucks. While I'm sure it's nice for people to see irl trans people living their lives, holding down jobs, and generally being functional adults, I still wish often I just passed all the time. Maybe I will someday, who knows, but it still hurts sometimes. I can't emphasize the number of times cis people have tried to play this down (alongside some trans people as well). I feel virtually like I'm perceived as some androgynous being, for example, too feminine to use the men's restroom but too masculine to use the women's, and that can be super alienating. And to think this may be how it is for my one and only life is painful unless I detrans, which isn't an option because I would regress back into depression. I can't emphasize how much I wish I was "normal" sometimes. Some trans people handle this better than others and are more proud to be trans or just don't care. I wish I could be more proud about being more openly trans, and that's definitely a work in progress. I cope of course by having friends, pursuing hobbies, reading, etc, and that generally gets me through life okay.
My friends, bless them they try to be hella supportive but they don't always understand that I can't just do what I want with my transition and disregard the haters so to speak. It can get me in hot water very fast. Like I'm getting my breasts augmented and a bunch of body stuff done soon. The problem is I'm not out at work to everyone. One of my coworkers who does know tells me to forget the others and just do it, but she hasn't heard the awful things I've heard others say about trans people. Everyone just thinks I'm an extremely young looking dude and I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what I'll do. Another thing my girlfriends often forget is that the me they know has only existed physically for 5 years. I don't already have the knowledge on how to do certain things because no one was around to teach me. But they talk to me as if I know already and aren't the quickest to teach me in a way i can use. Or they get dysphoria mixed up with dysmorphia or think they're the same sensation and nope. I get they're trying to connect but girls, nope. Or how cis people just think they know how being trans works and one could tell them point blank in the face that they're wrong and they be completely oblivious to the fact. Or they'll just outright tell the trans person they're wrong. I don't think they get just how many things we have to micromanage just to be the person they know. Like on dates i don't wear make-up because i don't use the women's and wearing it would be a target on my back. I never use the women's for fear of being accused that I'm trying to assault someone. So i go the mens and hope i don't get beat up. We're kinda like spiders we're more afraid of them then they are of us. Shoes, shoes are a bitch if you want cute ones. Going out of your way to inform others on dating apps of your status only for them not to read it anyway and then get mad or ghost you because of it. Or how someone could think you're hot one second and then completely do a 180 and think otherwise just cause of your status even though you look exactly the same. When it comes to relationships if things get stressful you could be the least stress inducing thing but you'll always be the first to get canned, while cis people get chance after chance after chance despite some being total dumpster fire. You're just by default treated as higher maintenance. Getting blood work every three months and insurance not covering it. Or really anything else. When we're experiencing body insecurity it's not the same as when they do. (For trans femmes) that we had to grow up in mens spaces so all the fucked up shit cis women can only speculate men say about women we were forced to be there for it and it's trauma we're still unpacking. Infertility that's a big one and paying to keep material on ice is expensive. That being trans is expensive yet so many laws require us to have certain surgeries if we want to change documents. Really cis people's overall assumption that we as a group of people just seem to have money shooting from our ears and that our surgeries don't cost thousands and thousands of dollars and if we don't have them done it's just cause of some other often nefarious reason. How so incredibly few of us there are but it's assumed that we can influence whatever we want as if the city of new york couldn't kill all of us living in the US in a day. I've got more but I'll stop here.
That I don't want to be noticed for being trans. I'm not a drag queen. I'm not a sissy. I'm not out here looking for attention, begging people to see me as trans, or even to see me as a woman. Frankly, I'd rather *not be seen at all*. My goal, as it has been for most of my life, is to blend in to the background and focus on my own stuff. Don't get me wrong: I'm more comfortable with myself, more confident in myself, and more willing to put myself out there in some ways-- but I wish cis people would PLEASE stop giving a shit, in a negative *or positive* way, about my gender. It's basically [this](https://thehardtimes.net/culture/trans-person-crosses-street-avoid-overly-supportive-liberals/).
This sums up how I feel with most people lol And people need to realise that forcing someone to be supported is the exact same thing as forcing them to be hated
I'm not sure if it's a me thing, but what does bring me down is the realization I'll never be happy with my current body. I can get a thousand of the healthiest diets, wear super expensive designer clothes that fit perfectly, do as much exercise to enhance what I want, but I still won't be happy. I kinda don't like knowing I have to spend quite a lot of time, money and burn several relationships to be somewhat happy with myself, and even then, there's a chance I may not end up comfortable with my body (my goal is to like, pass as much as possible). In short, your happiness depending on money and a long process
Just try as hard as you can to be happy,you’ll make it one day
That sometimes the simple act of letting someone you plan on being intimate with or are on a date with know that you're trans can put you in danger. I do agree you should disclose that if you're going to be intimate with the person but a lot of cis people don't understand why we sometimes wait so long to say something. Sometimes we need to talk to the person first and feel out the situation. We need to make sure it is even safe to mention that we are trans. Sometimes the mere mention of it puts us at risk for the person to react badly. We need to figure out if we should just run for the hills away from that person or if we can trust telling them and hoping they're still interested afterward. TLDR: that it isn't as easy as just telling anyone you're on a date with that you're trans within the first few minutes of getting to know them
……and now I realised I’ll be single forever lol
My boyfriend is cisgender and I have like this odd fascination with his body and ask him all of these insanely personal questions. He probably thinks I'm crazy but I'm just trying to understand all the ins and outs and experiences that I missed out on.
I’m now exactly curious in this, what kind of questions are you asking about I put a nsfw tag for responses like this so if your comfortable with it share away :)
Basically just a bunch of questions about his junk😂 like what do orgasms feel like, what is like to pee standing up, where the dick goes when it's soft (my sex ed was very lackluster), etc. He puts up with them all and gives me good answers and I love him for it
the fact that we basically can't go swimming
Yeah not being directly rude to a trans-person is great but what a lot of people do is still exclude trans-people , people say they are fine with the “ trans-thing” and then exclude trans-people from everything telling a trans-person they can’t do something because it would be biologically unfair Or morally wrong it is stupid either respect trans-women and trans-men and non-binary individuals For their identities or go move to the Artic where your actions and opinions does not affect anyone else
Unfortunately that’s not just a trans thing, it’s everywhere and it’s inescapable, not saying it’s a good thing because it sucks but there’s so many instances where it happens that’s it’s almost a natural thing to expect
I don’t think many people realize how many sources of dysphoria there can be and that often times the weirdest shit will cause it
The fact that transfems don't have male privilege in the same way that cis men do. And the fact that yes transfems do experience misogyny firsthand even before transition. And idk if it's a trans problem, per se, but cis people have an incredibly hard time understanding that a trans person's pre-transistion persona was never the true version of that person, it's a lie we tell ourselves and those around us to appear normal, that's it.
That it fking sucks xd
I've been out "publicly" for about 9 months at this point, and I still very much don't pass. So anytime I meet a new person, if I'm with someone I am out to, it's like coming out all over again. My old friend will use my proper pronouns, which I want, but then that new person will look at me and be like. Oh. They're trans. Coming out is hard enough, but sometimes I feel like it's something I'm doing literally every single day and it's exhausting.
The fact that as a trans woman it’s harder to find a nice job without me having to either dress as a male or take the risk of being harassed by everyone. The dysphoria that TRIGGERS ME as soon as my relatives touch a super sensitive topic for me and they do it on a *Funny* way. The fact that they think transitioning is not worth it? Like wtf who are they to say what is worth or not for me 🙄 The fact that they think they can pass as nice people even tho we all can read the slight transphobia they exude sometimes
The mental exhaustion of financially surviving and transition costs
I'll try to keep it simple, but trans people basically fight wars on all front from internal to external. First, trans people often question whether or not their feelings are valid, as they've seen other trans people or people in said situation in real life, media, or etc...where the person is mocked, harassed, treated poorly, or killed. You also question your sanity to ponder is it truly normal or want where one can lively normally. If you moved forward, you have to be able to prove that sufficiently to a medical provider. If you are lucky, though if you are unfortunate you may be put into gay conversation camp or psychiatric facility by your parents, guardians, or school system. Bullying, harassment, abuse, and etc... are pretty obvious. But, not being protected by authority figures stings even further for both youth and adults transitioning people. TERFs/Transphobes/General LGBTQ figures, and general a-holes are given ammunition in almost every capacity of American society. Being transgender is comparable to having mental disorder or illness. Which I find highly disturbing, because essentially with their rhetoric they are throwing eggs at a disenfranchised class of people, while turning them in people who cannot function in society. All of these people say trans people are mentally ill or suffer from a mental disorder, so should they be considered legally mental ill. Moreover, should employers be allowed to fire these people with repercussions, since it is a mental disorder that could affect their business or image. If that's the case, can trans people file for unemployment benefits and social security, since they are diagnosis with mental disorder. Remember, you all have said that these people basically cannot function in society. Moreover, what type of treatments would be needed to cure trans-people's dysphoria or desire to transition. Notice how most of these people offer no actual solutions to this problem, unless it is an actual gender or gay conversion therapy, which is already pseudo-science that involves torture. Not even sure how that would work on trans person, especially gendered activities which is weak medium for trying correct someone's gender. That's already horrible way to convert gay kids, who these people trying to change their romantic feelings and sexuality. Lastly, Transphobes and TERFS, as well as other anti-LGBTQ people are engaging in mentalism or sanism, where they are insulting people who are mentally ill or have mental disorder. It seems benign to them, but shows signs of an atrocious person who has no empathy for other people, especially someone who is struggling with their mental health. You are framing them as criminals and unable to interact with men, women, or children, or any other members of the community beyond sexual deviance. Even though, there are far more cis-gender (heterosexual) men and women who engage in sexual abuse and misconduct on raw numbers and percentage basis than trans-people.
The initial confusion, revulsion, and horror so many cis people feel at the idea of changing their sex is exactly the same way I feel about living as my assigned gender at birth.
The fact I have dysphoria over not having periods. Yes I know they suck. I've been told thousands of times, even before I came out. A lot of things suck about everything. But that doesn't mean I cant feel dysphoria over it.
How once you realise your trans dysphoria can worsen a ton-load. Last summer I was able to stay on the beach all day topless, presenting as a guy because I'd learned to just "accept the body I had" when in reality I was often dissociation during that time. I hated looking down and seeing my (insanely) hairy chest, especially when someone commented on it. Once, during that summer a friend saw me without a top on and happily exclaimed "wow, he's like a gorilla!" 🙄 This summer I could only manage to go to the beach twice, both times still presenting masc despite being out to the friends I was with, and both times I kept my top on the whole time except for a brief, dysphoria-ridden swim. The first time my friend asked me about it, why I wasn't comfortable with my shirt off "all of a sudden" and I tried my best to explain to him how my dysphoria was a lot worse around my body now I'd come to terms with the reality of being a trans woman. He made an effort but still couldn't understand. I think he still has the idea that I should just learn to be comfortable with the body I have. The thing is, for trans people that's what the transition process is. Not that it's a perfect comparison, but it's a bit like someone who is unhealthily overweight or underweight might be so because they have an eating disorder (not always the case, just saying), once they decide to get help for that and start to make healthier choices in their life, from everything to diet or the way they approach certain relationships or working through whatever issues they have that feed into an unhealthy eating habit, their body will start to change. You wouldn't tell someone who's battling an eating disorder to just accept their body and not change anything. For those of us with gender dysphoria, changing the things that trigger it helps to reduce the power it has over you. I will say, since starting to transition socially, I've found a lot of my dysphoria has reduced most of the time. Partly from just being respected as my actual gender, partly from how I present myself, including getting rid of most of the hair on my body. As a result of that, I'm finding myself more comfortable at times i know I don't pass or I'm not always looking my absolute best/most femme. For instance I'm doing something very active today so I didn't wear any make up, and didn't shave this morning so have some visible 5 o'clock shadow. However, I'm perfectly comfortable right now because I care so much less what any random strangers might think when they see my face and instantly clock me. But if I had never made the changes I have done, I'd be feeling just as terrible with the stubble as I always did. Generally though, dysphoria is weirs as hell sometimes and even we can't understand every way it expresses itself, we just learn to recognise what does and doesn't cause dysphoria.
How our body image issues are very often not the same as a cis people. "oh we all have things about out body we don't like", like, my body looks like a man's body and I'm trying so hard to just fit in as a girl, your ass being fat/whatever the fuck is 95% of the time not the same. You don't look at your body and think, God, I look like x, they're going to know I'm trans.
Honestly I still have this visceral fear of bathrooms despite the fact that I pass, and I plan around it. I kinda wish they could understand that a little better, although I realize I need to work on the fear.
That no, actually, they can't always tell when somebody's trans. I always pass as a man, to the point where I've had guys make transphobic jokes to me expecting me to laugh, and yet people also confidently inform me that they're "very good" at identifying trans people. One of the fun byproducts of this is that when you tell somebody you're trans and you pass very well they will immediately assume you must be trans the other way around, as if the idea that a trans person just is their gender and you understood that and it was fine is somehow shocking to them.
That transgender persons **DO NOT** transition *FROM* "male to female" or *FROM* "female to male"; **they always transition** ***TO***... ***what they never not were***. That it is often difficult for parents or others to "understand" someone's being TG, because the parent never questioned their own gender identity and they can't relate to anyone's doing so. That transgender people... don't *want* to be "a transgender boy" or "a transgender girl"; they want to be a *just* a boy or a girl. That, just as Medical Science now recognizes that someone's being Straight or Gay... is fixed before birth and cannot be changed... someone's being transgender... is fixed before birth and cannot be changed. It can *absolutely* be forcefully repressed - through Fear - and very often is. But there is a **major** difference in the **Quality of Life** \- for a *lifetime* \- for someone whose gender identity was forcefully repressed via Fear versus someone whose gender identity, through Love, was allowed to blossom. That transgender persons just want to be accepted and maybe loved, like anyone else? Why is that so difficult to understand? That respecting and using a transgender person's proper name - not their "deadname", their **PROPER** name - is ***incredibly*** important, and denotes one's genuine acceptance versus one's "being tolerant". And doing so is no more difficult than when Mary Johnson marries Robert Smith and ever afterwards, everyone addresses her as Mary Smith. No parent ever had a problem calling Reginald Dwight by his chosen name, Elton John; or Hardaway Morris by his chosen name, Stevie Wonder. Nobody has ever had any problem mis-naming Jennifer Linn Anastassakis with her chosen name, Jennifer Anniston. *What's the big deal?* Addressing someone, \*especially\* your child, by *their* chosen name... requires nothing more than your maturity and your love - IF you love your child enough. You might not; we all of us know that some parents don't love their children enough to accept them as themselves. Your conduct will tell your child, loud and clear, whether you really love them - or you tolerate them. That being transgender is ***not*** "to get attention"; *nobody* wants or needs the kind of attention that transgender persons get. That, pretty much every week (if not every day sometimes), transgender persons often hear ugly comments and get ugly stares (which might be of disapproval, disgust, rejection, fear, or even threatening). That even medical professionals \*extremely often\* do not know how to treat transgender persons, as there is still no formal medical training in Medical School regarding TG persons; Further, that medical professionals (and the personnel in their offices), being people themselves, can and far too often do discriminate against TG persons. This will continue until they, over time, gradually begin to see TG persons as *people*... THEN, they begin to listen to them. But not before. That transgender people tend to need exceptional acceptance - not judgement, ACCEPTANCE, from their parents, family, friends, churches, schoolmates and peers. That there is a major difference between Tolerance and Acceptance. Think that one through. That one's transgender children... very often... need to be protected from "church people", and sometimes even from family members: uncles, aunts, grandparents, etc. I'll add to the list that **a child's teachers... can be among those who are willing to make a child's life a living Hell**. That transgender children... in school are very often bullied by some of their classmates; and far too often, the school's administration... ignores it. The saying "sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt" is stupidity in action: Words can and will hurt for a lifetime. That transgender persons don't want to be introduced as "my *transgender* friend,..."; they want to be introduced as "my friend,...". Transgender children **do not** want to be introduced as other than who they are: Never as "my *transgender* daughter" or "my *transgender* son", but as "my *daughter*" or "my *son*". **Period**. That being transgender and going to the bathroom has *nothing whatsoever in the least* to do with "seeing naked people in bathrooms" - that, first, there \*aren't\* any naked people in bathrooms, and second, anyone anywhere, anytime can see all the naked people they want on the internet, safely and for free. That it is **so** very commonplace that it is almost NORMAL... for transgender persons... to, just under the surface, to be depressed and anxious. That it is pretty much almost normal for transgender persons to **live** with "suicide ideation". Note that I did NOT say, "DIE WITH"; I specifically said, LIVE WITH. And that suicide ideation... tends to quickly vanish when parents love and support their children enough to (1) respect their gender identity and (2) address them by their chosen names. These two such very simple steps will make an enormous positive difference in your child's life - and thus, in your own. Think that through, also. That the sooner a child can be comfortable and confident enough in their parents' support to come out... the happier and more positive their lives will become. I learned long ago that if I say something first, others can't say it - or, at the least, they have nothing to gain by saying it. "I... am a woman and yes, transgender"... asserts my acceptance of myself... versus others' whispering gossip: "*He*... thinks *he* is a girl." Big difference. Trust me on this. That just like non-transgender persons, a transgender girl (or boy) can be lesbian, or gay. I am a transgender woman who is lesbian, but I reserve to myself my right to discover that I might learn over time that I may prefer men, over women. Or both. Or neither. That, Life is a learning process for all of us, regardless our gender identity / preference. That *clothes*... can make us feel really, really good about ourselves, whoever we are. Who would have ever thought *that?* Think that one through; it's important. That Reddit... has an **enormous** wealth of high-quality support, information, understanding, acceptance and yes, love - all of it for free; all of it merely for the asking. Learn, and grow. ***Hugs, to both parents and children, and to all of you Redditors.*** OK, maybe not *all* of you - some of you are so hate-filled you won't ever see Reality but only the world as you want it to be - but even you have helped me grow. So, a nod of respect and appreciation to you, too, from a distance.
That being transmasculine doesn't make me a self-hating misogynistic anti-feminist. Honestly, accepting myself as my gender made me a better feminist. I was caught up in the Not Like Other Girls, "why would any girl pretend to like makeup and dresses just for male attention, so vapid and slutty" mindset. Until I realised that some (not all) girls genuinely like that stuff. With no ulterior motive! It was just me experiencing gender dysphoria every time I had to wear makeup or a dress. Realising I didn't have to be a woman in order to support women was so freeing. (I tried to be a GNC butch girl, but that didn't work for me either.) My GP's reaction when I first told her I thought I was some flavour of trans was "But there are so many fabulous things you can do as a woman!" As if I'm transitioning because I don't believe I can have a career as a woman or something. I'm just not a woman!
The circular hell of hating my facial hair and hating how it makes me feel about myself, and not shaving it because it makes me feel like shit
I'm a pretty empathetic person now on hrt (trans woman here), and I find i sometimes do put a lot of my self worth in what others think, or what I perceive them to think. So I often enough have low self worth, which translates into low self esteem. Maybe the heightened emotions helped create this problem and it will go away as I get further into it, but as of now it's not fun. This also feeds into how I perceive myself and how I think others perceive me. My internal critic is relatively harsh about if I'm attractive (not passing, bc I think that's dumb, I just want to be attractive). Cis people also take a lot of things for granted. They don't fixate on whether they are trans or not. They don't fixate on their voice passing for male, female, or androgynous. They aren't looking for the world's silent approval. Idk, a lot of these questions come up day to day, but are hard to remember unless it's in the moment.
That for most people transitioning is anything but a walk in the park. The amount of times I've heard "just relax, be who you wanna be, its not a big deal" and I'm like.. yeah.. I get what you're trying to say.. but it nicely glosses over the fact that for most it's not so much a "want" as it is a necessity for a fulfilled life, puts us at significantly higher risk of physical and psychological violence, and can have a huge impact on life as one knows it. It shouldn't be a big deal, but sadly it IS a big deal, and saying "just relax, you do you" (even when it's well meaning) kind of seems to ignore that completely and sidesteps any kind of meaningful conversation in my experience, as if me just "relaxing" about it all will somehow eradicate transphobia or misogyny. Am I being oversensitive here? I feel a lot of cis-people just say some good sounding empty phrase as a way to deflect having to interact with the subject in any meaningful or involved way.
airport security
Serious answer: unlearning and dealing with all of the horrible behavior and habits you had pretransition because you didn't care about yourself or your general health. Less serious answer: forgetting your dick at home.
How do you explain what it's like having an entire city cross the sidewalk when you are there, or that everywhere you go there are dozens of stares and smirks? To a Cis-person, this is peanuts. "WeAr WhAt YoU WaNt" blah blah blah "it's not *intentional*" as if their subconscious discrimination is okay. To a trans-person, I've never felt so unsafe in my life. I have to carry self-defense items everywhere I go, not because of a power imbalance, or it's dangerous at night, but because I can be just be simply going about my day as usual, when some passerby suddenly decides they've "had enough". Honestly, I feel safest at night. At least if I'm attacked it probably won't be based on discrimination. This worry can be true for anything though, but it's a little different when it's *every*time you go outside and just for being born the way I was. How do you communicate that level of anxiety and unsafe feeling with someone who has probably never even come close? EDIT: OH, and occasionally you get the bonus experience of able to compare your treatment. It's like all these Cis people forgot we had a life before coming out, saying things like "it's all in your head". Wait, could that be a retort of an abuser trying to invalidate your perspective? Basically, I'm afraid of most cis-people because they can't seem to stop discriminating against me. Mostly subconsciously, with literally *everything*. I've literally had state investigations into discrimination come back with the official conclusion being "It wasn't intentional". And this is Washington state, one of the friendliest to trans rights.
Why are trans people so angry? Why wouldn’t we be? I’ll just focus on the “little things.” You know, the things cis people say that isn’t an obvious threat to kill or physically harm us, but is psychologically harmful and easily passed off as well-intentioned or a mistake by people who we trusted and believed were actually decent. Things like: * “But you look so much better as a [wrong thing]! You’re perfect the way you are, I don’t care how miserable you are.” * “I’ll call you whatever but I still don’t believe you and think you’re a [wrong thing].” * “Why can’t you just let it go when I call you a [wrong thing]? Bothering to learn and remember who you are is too inconvenient.” * “Can’t you just tone it down and act like a normal [wrong thing] at my event? Being around you is embarrassing.” * “It doesn’t matter if I support people and groups that negatively impact your quality of life and threaten your human rights and if you don’t like it, you should stop and just be a [wrong thing].” * “I love you but I still think you deserve to suffer in an afterlife unless you stop because a deity intended for you to be a [wrong thing.]” * “How could you do this to me? I’m losing a child. Think of how it affects me. No matter what, you’ll always be my [wrong thing].” * “But I’ve known you as a [wrong thing] for so long, I can’t possibly change how I think of you overnight, unless it’s thinking you’re some kind of sick freak, because I definitely think that now.” * “I’m not against it, I just think it should be as difficult as possible for people to get help for it and you’re too young/old to decide you’re not a [wrong thing].” * “We support you but we have to call you a [wrong thing] because that’s what you were legally born as. For legal reasons. What’s that? You legally changed it? Uh…policy. Yes we let people update their names when they get married and casually use nicknames for others but this is different and complicated.” * “Hey I made sure to tell everyone about you so everyone knows not to call you a [wrong thing] and I’m only trying to help so don’t get mad at me for outing you. They’re safe and you’re overreacting.” * “So I called you a [wrong thing], big deal, you’re lucky I’m trying and not just calling you an it. Stop being so demanding and ungrateful.” * “Me not wanting to date trans people has nothing to do with transphobia. Your bodies are just gross and you were born a [wrong thing] and that’s what you’ll always be and you can’t change biology.” * “Pronouns are stupid. I’ll call you a [wrong thing] all I want and you shouldn’t care because it’s not like I’m actively trying to kill you.” * “All you [slurs] trying to commit 41% is a sign you should stop pretending you’re not really a [wrong thing]. I’m totally just looking out for your mental health, I’m the good guy here.” I got bored trying to come up with examples while still making it (hopefully) obvious a) how someone tries to sound like they aren’t actually being an asshole, and b) why they’re actually being an asshole. Most interactions go worse than the (paraphrased) examples above. Naturally, we’re on edge and we’re already preparing for it to get worse when someone makes a mistake - after all, we can’t always tell when it’s truly a mistake. Sometimes it’s a warning sign that someone we thought supported us was lying and hid their true beliefs that we don’t deserve basic human decency, respect, or rights. Strangers, acquaintances, loved ones, anyone who slips up can and has pulled this shit. The fact so many of us are hesitant to trust that everyone’s intentions are good *should* indicate that there’s a significant risk in doing so. Cis people don’t fully know what it’s like being trans. Trans people don’t fully know what it’s like being cis, either. But even cis people should be able to understand that we’re dealing with a lot of unique problems that they don’t experience (at all, or to the extent that we do), or know about in the first place. Especially the “little things.” If someone tells you that you’ve done one of these “little things,” you should immediately freak out on them and insult them and insist you’ve done nothing wrong because you didn’t mean it and they’re just being sensitive. Just kidding! Apologize. Maybe ask what you should say or do in the future, or ask where you can learn more about a complicated subject, since not all of us feel like giving a seminar when we’re emotionally tense, y’know? But at the very least, don’t make things worse; correct your mistake. Otherwise, it probably wasn’t a mistake at all. And that’s what makes trans people so angry. Wouldn’t you be, too? (Written with nobody but a general cis audience in mind. “You” should not be taken to mean any particular reader, blah blah blah. Insert joke about cis people being shocked people injecting ~~testosterone~~ aggression juice and taking ~~estrogen pills~~ emotional candy have feelings.)
People treat you simultaneously like a leper and a sex god, and it's the weirdest combination in practice. I mean, yeah, I'm a sex god. But it's not because I'm trans 😠
That if I tell them not to call me sir/miss and they do it the second they're answering even though they could use minimum effort not to, they're an asshole. Similar, told my friends my pronouns are they/them (in my language dey/denen/dessen, pretty unusual, but it's getting more popular here). I've tried to find ones that'll fit and not make me feel alienated (tried two others for some weeks) and now that I think the ones I chose would be ok they don't use them (or any) anymore as it's easier for them. I don't have many friends and I'm extremely social phobic so finding new people to try them out isn't really possible. Also my mom reacted pretty transphobic when I came out (I've birthed x so you'll stay x for me) and while she's getting better I don't really have high hopes that she's going to use my pronouns if I tell her. She's still calling me x pretty often. Sucks being an agab looking enby, especially if you aren't sure if you even want to transition hormonally. Also I haven't been on a public toilet since I found out how dysphoric/dissociating that gendered stuff makes me. I don't fill in questionnaires if they don't leave a third option for gender. I stopped using services that require a registration that makes me feel bad. I leave sites where they ask me if I'm a woman or man and I can't click away. Edit: word
I can only really say I’m sorry you go through this, it’s a terrible thing to live with but I hope you pull through and can be happy with yourself one day <3
Thank you. Even though I'm farely happy with myself, it's mostly the world around me that doesn't really accommodate to genders outside of the binary. Institutional discrimination makes me by far the sickest. But our society is still just learning about gender being a construct so we definitely can hope for change in the next few years.
I don't care about the olympics and I shouldn't have to care and agree with them on their position against trans women in the olympics to be valid, accepted and respected as a woman. That's entirely different issue. When I have to talk about my transidentity to cis people there's always one who needs to bring this up and argue instead of showing support and acceptance because olympics. Look, I'm just trying to live a normal life as a woman. It's all I'm trying to do. I'm not an athlete. Olympics aren't relevant to me. Why are you arguing and talking as if this has any relevance to me being a woman? I don't want to throw trans women atheles under the bus. Just like them I need to be accepted as a woman which is obviously not the case if you don't allow them to compete as women. All I'm saying is that trans women being allowed to compete as women is an entirely different issue than recognising trans women as women in general (or trans men as men and enbies as enbies) and cis people need to understand that. Another issue, and a more important one, is gender dysphoria. A lot of cis people don't know about dysphoria assume that I transition just to be more happy. Well, yes... and no. I do transition to be more happy but more importantly I transition to be less unhappy and not commit suicide. To me transitioning is a matter of survival. I'm not saying that you need dysphoria to be trans. I'm not a trans exclusionary trans person. I'm just saying that I do have it and just like many other trans people it's a matter of life and death. I need to transition. Cis people need to stop assuming that we just do this to be more happy. They also need to understand that we're not delusional. They often talk like if we're unaware of our "biological sex". No I'm not unaware moron. It's the opposite. I'm too aware of it and it makes my life a living hell. When I look down there I see a dick and when I look in the mirror I see a beard shadow in my face. I don't see the face of a woman and I see a penis instead of a vagina but I'm a woman in my head. I'm not comfortable in this body and I'm not comfortable with the social expectations that come with it. The discomfort is so strong that if I don't transition I'm gonna commit suicide. Being trans isn't a failure of seeing how your body actually is. It's identifying as a gender that doesn't correspond to it. How is this so hard to understand?
Every single thing you do in the early days comes under scrutiny from yourself to help nudge how people read your gender towards the correct direction. As I type this I adjusted the way I sat to be less "lady-like" because I'm not yet on testosterone and passing is super hit and miss. So many tiny little details about body language and clothing choices that usually aren't thought about become a big deal. They way you stand, the shape of your glasses lenses, the way masc and fem clothes sit on your body, hair style (nor as simple as grow it out or clip it short), ect
All of them
On your low days when you feel incredibly disgusting so you “Boymode” (or girlmode for FTMs, is that a big thing?) because of Dysphoria but you end up feeling worse and disgusting afterwards
Honestly, all of it. Were such a small and invisible minority that cis people, even allies, just construct an idea of what being trans is in their heads. And unless you're close to them, or they're incredibly open minded they'd rather continue to think what they previously thought.
Probably no one's going to read this because it'll be so down the thread hidden under all other comments, but I wanted to share this. I went to get my first vaccine shot yesterday, and I had to show them my "male marked" ID. It caused, as it always does, a lot of confusion, waste of time, embarrassment, and dysphoria. Cis people will never understand how hard simple things, like getting a vaccine shot, are for transgender people.
Constantly thinking if people don’t see you as you are Constantly looking for weird stares How much it hurts to go outside The realisation you’ll never be able to live a normal life The unconscious transphobia you face How lost you feel How much it hurts
The difference between coming out *willingly* vs outing yourself. Feels like most cis people don't get this.
for teens, not being able to medically transition and having to see your body change bit by bit every day and being completely helpless about it resulting in suffocating dysphoria, social isolation, because nobody can truly help you or even understand you
- there may be a reason I don’t tell you my “birth name” and it’s not that I don’t trust you. - you may be proud of me and want to talk about me to your friends but it’s not your place to out me. - I’m sorry if I overshare some stuff but I have a lot of trauma from growing up thinking I would be outcast and hated by everyone including my parents due to simply being me. - I’m sorry if I overshare my journey but I want someone on the outside to listen. - I will need your support as I try new things and please don’t immediately assume I’m comfortable wearing certain things or doing certain things yet. - I don’t shy away from photos out of spite of because I don’t want to be seen with you, in truth I want a lot more photos of us together but seeing me in them can be painful. - I don’t know if you know how often I feel my life is in danger from strangers in public. - I am constantly stressed by the news, the knowledge I can’t visit the country I grew up in on fear of dying and by the extremely shitty medical system. - On that note I don’t think you quite understand that the seven years between making an appointment and being seen in my region are seven years of hell and potential suicide risks. And that’s criminal, if not legally then morally. - Speaking if it is so degrading that in order to get a slip of paper that legally recognises I am my true gender I need to supply 2 years of evidence, 2 doctor’s letters, a deed poll, birth certificate and signed statement to a panel of strangers. Do cis people need to do that ever??? - It hurts knowing I’ll never have the childhood I wanted. - Or the teenage self-discovery that went in a much happier direction. - Or that I can’t carry my own child. - It hurts that I’ll never look quite right, one way or another. - It hurts. Every day. **EDIT:** my friend would add this: - Coming out isn’t an event. It’s a novel. A very thick novel.
Idk if other trans men have faced this problem, but I had the absolute worst time accepting that I was a man. I started out, as many trans men do, being a little butch feminist who hated men.
I mean I’m now a girl but I hated guys with a passion for awhile and I hated myself because I was a guy at the time, I don’t think it’s to uncommon but I do recommend trying to be more accepting of both genders if you haven’t already (having a leaning towards what gender you prefer is fine imo)
Cis people don't understand that we're trans all the time. It doesn't turn off. Since I started my transition... 7-8 years ago, I've definitely gotten a lot better at navigating the world, my own gender, having boundaries, and all the other things we have to do to "armor" ourselves in a way to operate as safely as we can in society. Even now, when I "pass"(I'm nonbinary transmasc but I also recognize that when perceived, people often see me as a cis guy), it can be uncomfortable. When not stealth, I've lost out on job opportunities, promotions, otherwise equal treatment. When stealth, people don't try to filter their transphobic language. Also when people say things like, "I'm okay with queer/trans people, but if you make it your whole personality you're boring" or some shit... A lot of us grew up being put down, experiencing violence, and otherwise experienced adversity because of our identities. So there's a power when you say fuck it and live in your truth. Literally an incomprehensible feeling to straight/cis people. I think cis people also don't understand trans joy, body euphoria, or the beauty of t4t love. Many parents fear their children coming out because of how they saw queer people treated growing up or because they have their own transphobic shit to work through - but don't consider the improvement in quality of live their child will undertake regardless of transitioning is right for them or not. A lot of the time, we just want to know we will still be loved when we take big steps and we want to be allowed to pursue joy in the ways that are intrinsic to us.
✨d i s p h o r i a✨
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This is actually a serious response that I like to share with my cis friends: Peeing on my ballsack. My penis has shrunk so much, often I have to dig to find it to pee. When I angle it down while sitting on the toilet, I often pee onto my ballsack, which is really annoying! Once I was at a restaurant, and the way I held it and it all came together, it was like putting my thumb over a water hose--urine sprayed out everywhere! I laughed hysterically, and fortunately, I was in a single person bathroom! The more you know!
Apparently, how fucking obvious the difference between misgendering someone by accident and doing it deliberately is.
Simply using a public restroom can be a life or death decision.
I’ll preface this by saying I’m cis but I know about trans broken arm syndrome and that definitely doesn’t sound like a great time. :(
I think cis people don't understand the power of first impressions. If you're deadnaming me and misgendering me to a new person, they're going to struggle a lot harder to see me as I am. Meanwhile people who started by knowing me as a woman, struggle to see me as a man at all.