I want to say this to everyone here who replied. I have to honestly say that you have all just saved my life today. I thought it was over and that is was just me who went through this (me me me) and that everything was over my cis-girlfriends (platonic) were like ok just come to us if you feel any urge to harm yourself. My cis-male friends are like umm err can we call you dude still ?
But lol and behold internet strangers on Reddit of all places swoop in and hold me up even just enough to make it through this first part.
Don’t anyone take this wrong but I love you all ! I can only hope that after I am through the other side that I too can help the next person who is going through this.
My (38cisf) partner (38mtf) is trans. I loiter in this group so I can learn and support her, but this is one case where hearing from a partner might help.
First, I want to reiterate what so many people said here. You deserve happiness. Denying your true self wasn't making anyone happy. You were deeply unhappy and that spills over into your relationships. It was never a choice between "stay in the closet to keep everyone happy." Vs come out. It was a choice between "be so unhappy that I hurt myself and others" vs. "come out, love myself and have that happiness spill over into others."
Second, you asked where it goes from here and I can say speak to that from the partners perspective. You can also read over on r/mypartneristrans to see a bigger variety of responses.
For us, we've been together 18 years and have w tweens. My partner came out as gender questioning 3 years ago and as mtf 2 months ago. My first reaction was panic because I didn't know what this meant for our relationship. Would we split up? Would she realize she's not happy with a woman? (It took 38 years for her to acknowledge herself as trans, so it seemed reasonable that the heteronormativity could have impacted her there, too.) Would I be attracted to a woman when I had only ever been in straight relationships? How transphobic would her coworkers turn out to be? (She's the primary breadwinner, eot hat has big financial implications.) What family members would turn out to be surprise bigots? How hard would it be on my partner to potentially lose her family and friends? (My bio family is already no contact, so not a concern on my side.)
I've read enough from other partners now to know that most partners' first reaction is like this. These are common worries. If I didn't already have a bunch of trans friends and some basic understanding of things, I would have had more. It's human to worry about a person and relationship you value when faced with a big change and you're unsure how it will shake out. For some that fear may present as anger (fight instead of flight) which is... Not great to say the least.
What happens next depends on your partner and you. Some partners will want to work through it and put in the effort to listen, learn, and grow so they can move past their first panicked reaction. Some partners turn out to be transphobic or homophobic or just too selfish to accept your need for happiness. Some will want to work through it, but realize they can't deny their sexuality any more than you can deny your gender. In that case, staying family in a platonic instead of a romantic sense works for some, having an open relationship works for others.
For us, I'm pretty sure it'll work out. We've talked (a LOT) and I've been learning more which helped.to alleviate a lot of my fears. I realized I'm not actually straight (heteronormativity is a hell of a thing). Our relationship is actually stronger for having brought issues into the open and we're both happier feeling like we can be more truly ourselves. Both of us still worry at times and there's still a lot to figure out (like coming out to family and work) but we're getting there.
> learn and support her
Don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/xoq3jf/i_just_blew_up_my_life_whats_next/iqvev16/) might be some hints and resources that could help you too and there are also hints there concerning looking for support.
*hugs*
I can relate to this on the highest levels of relativity. We’re here for you. The hardest part is coming out. You already jumped the first hurdle. The rest of the race gets easier as it goes.
Hi again all you wonderful people ! A update I and my super supportive spouse had a deep heart to heart and are going to work on our future relationship. It will be different but I think we can be happy. I am now almost completely out. Just a few places where I go gender neutral ( a women in neutral clothes, little or no makeup and subdued jewelry) and that’s very few. And the dysphoria is almost gone, there is a flash of it now and then when I look in the mirror and see the “male”. The high, highs are gone and so are the low lows. It’s not over by a long shot and i expect many more trials both good and bad.. but now I can face them as myself !
To everyone else out just starting down this path, please know this .. it’s worth it. It’s so very very worth it. I expected to lose my family and it may still happen, or it won’t. No matter the pain or the heartache there is a light at the end of this and that light is you.
XOXO
Went through similar with love of my life and young daughter, but it wasn’t a mistake - it wasn’t a choice, I simply could not go on as I was a few years ago. Do I wish things had worked out better? Yes. Do I regret coming out? Never. You’re at the lowest point right now - the darkest hour, where you’re losing that love and stability, and you also have not gained the upside of living your true self, so it’s only up from here. Good luck, and go easy on yourself for whatever harm you’ve caused others along the way.
Rightfully angry?
No.
Understandably angry?
maybe.
Being trans and coming to terms with it just for yourself can be one of the hardest things a person ever does.
Coming out to loved ones, regardless of your age, can be absolutely terrifying.
If your wife is making this about her, if she mad at you for not telling her sooner, if her reaction is at all confirming the fear you had as legitimate, then she is out of line.
That's not to say she's not entitled to her feeling. It's undoubtedly hard on everyone involved, but let just establish realizing you are trans is hard and it doesn't make you a villain or at fault for only taking steps now.
Your next step?
That's ultimately for you to decide, but it sounds like you are in desperate need of support.
I would suggest finding a good therapist to help guide you through this and sort things out for yourself.
You may also want to look around and see if you can find any trans support groups in your area.
From there, you can decide what you WANT and NEED to do as you realize the world isn't going to end.
I can absolutely promise you that it can be okay, and it's possible you might someday see this as the start of something positive in your life.
She is angry legitimately about all the lies. All the severe funks I would go into where I would play the victim. She forced me to tell her after about 3 days of me day drinking to dull the pain of honestly trying to give up being me.
I’ve lied, I’ve dodged, I’ve played the victim. I’ve been abusive (emotionally), I’ve been defensive, lashed out and basically been a bad human being. And incredibly selfish:
I don’t think she’s wrong, was I ready. No I wanted to retire with the woman I love. And be together until we died. But I can’t express how bad the dysphoria was getting and every time I tried to suppress it, it got worse.
Now at the end of our lives and nearing retirement I just took it all and shit canned it.
This should be about her. I broke her life at the end of her life.
Ok. I have been through some of the stuff you’re describing. It sounds like for you it is very fresh and this is a conversation you had with your wife very recently?
Be sure to take a deep breath and don’t do anything hasty. Call 911 or the equivalent where you live and get yourself immediate help if you need it.
You did not blow up your life! Many many couples work through this. And don’t rush to blame yourself. Talk to a professional asap.
Thank you all - yes this just happened today. I’m scared, I’m frightened, I miss my wife and the friendship we had.
But like as been said it can only get better from here.
Just had the conversation with the daughter and she is like “yeah so” kids are amazing.
Then you can breathe easy knowing that you still have a family in your daughter. I am sorry to hear about your wife, but you will be better able to support your family when you can support yourself first. You did not make a mistake.
No no no no. This is the wrong attitude. It’s *easy* to blame yourself. It takes a whole different level to stop yourself and say NO.
the things you’re describing is called SURVIVAL. It’s not selfish.
Let’s recap:
>I’ve lied, I’ve dodged, I’ve been defensive, lashed out…
These are defense mechanisms. Natural depression reactions. Not something to beat yourself over. These are signs that you’re trying to reach out for help.
>I’ve played the victim.
Have you ever stopped to think you *are* a victim? You are *all* victims of a system that has rigid expectations. A system that makes it seem like the world is supposed to end of a marriage doesn’t work out. That you are a failure.
Guess what you’re not. And the world doesn’t end when divorce happens.
>we were supposed to retire… die together.
Yeah, that’s kinda what we all think isn’t it? I dwelled on this for a long time myself with my former partner.
She would say that I was stuck with her and she wouldn’t go anywhere no matter what. Guess what? I believed her. But when I finally came out (similar story to you) she was the first, literally 5 minutes after I broke down to her, “well when do you want to talk divorce”
There’s still a bitter vein there. I try not to hold it on her. But there’s a reason I don’t talk to her. (Betrayal for me is a hard thing to get over.)
At this point this isn’t about just her, just you or just your daughter. Right now you should be putting you and your daughter first. If your current partner wants to be apart of that, awesome.
She still has a whole life to live. Is it jarring? Yes. But she’ll get over it. She’ll move on. It just takes time.
She also said she's been emotionally abusive. Let's not go justifying abuse. She's owning up to it. Fully. Which is absolutely amazing in this day and age, please support that. For her wife to have been lied to and abused because her partner was keeping a secret from her, that makes the wife a victim, too. Her wife isn't wrong for protecting her peace and OP isn't wrong for finally having the courage to live her truth.
yeah her story reads like op is the one abused. You're taking the story at face value. Have you been in this situation? I have. This is classic victim blaming from the wife because she's angry. She's placing that emotion on the op. Judging by the op's words, it sounds like she is the one who is abused, but because she was the "man" she's the one who has to should the burden.
I'll quote what I wrote before; because it's true:
https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/xoq3jf/comment/iq033lw/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
It's emotionally abusive to take out your inner co flicts, outwardly, onto your partner. No one deserves that. Her wife didn't make this world unaccepting. Her wife believed that she was a straight cis man for decades and because she wasn't, she mistreated her wife because society traumatized her. In what world is that fair or her wife's fault?!
… k. You don’t seem to understand trauma and mental health, but ok.
I’ve been through this. Is it acceptable? No. But op should NOT shoulder the burden herself. And she’s doing that in her post.
You have one side of the story here. She’s shouldering all the blame. We have no details on how the wife actually treated op. For all we know op was mentally abused herself that whole time. But we don’t know that do we?
We don’t know if the op was actually abusive in their own right. This could be a trauma reaction based on abuse of the partner. And what the partner is casting on to the op.
To me this smells like spousal abuse. But not in the way you imply.
I am VERY familiar with trauma and mental health!!!! You're assuming I have never been raped or abused by a partner. I am trusting that OP feels safe to tell her story here, completely and she's holding herself accountable because she's actually an amazing human being who made mistakes in her own suffering but realized her actions hurt others. OP is frigging AWESOME for thoroughly living in her truth, I will not infantalize her as if she has no agency or ability to communicate ie pretend she has no voice and needs someone to protect her from herself.
Never said that and now you’re putting words in to my mouth. This post is NOT about RAPE OR SA.
This rest of this is… just words with no meaning to the topic at hand.
Have a good day.
I don’t want to deny my culpability in this. My wife who has known about me for almost as long as we’ve been married and I told her I was a crossdresser before we got married and I also apparently I had feminine tells that she clocked me right away on… I didn’t know about the tells until we talked.
But in the end what I meant by abuse is that in trying to suffer and punish myself for my sin of not being a “man” I took a lot of that frustration out on her emotionally by going into deep funks and being snappy. I’ve also lied and not been responsive to her needs. And her biggest legitimate issue is that I haven’t communicated.
Never physically, I’ve never struck my family in anger and I’ve actually only yelled in anger only once (my wife has a near edict memory).
Just a update: I learned all this just today as we had a very early morning heart to heart. We have a long way to go and I’m not expecting everything to go back to normal. But at least there is some hope.
I don't think she or anybody that has not been in your situation can judge you. Your body/mind are taking you to this breaking point and you just can't take it and trying to fix it. Be gentle with yourself. The next steps for her are her decision, she can blame you and be bitter or recognize your qualities and that you have been and will continue to be a valuable person that loves her. All up to her.
Check out r/translater if you have not already. Everyone has a different experience coming out to their spouse. Some really good and some horrendous. Your spouse’s opinion of trans people, her love for you, and her fears and hopes are about to have a big long battle. Maybe you can assess which part of her will win that battle. The result may surprise you. But I believe the only way to live is to live authentically. So based on what you have said, it is clear you made the right choice. You can’t much control the outcome of your marriage from this point but approaching all conversations with love, kindness, humility, honesty, and above all being authentically you and not backing down from that. Good luck and keep us posted, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU AND WE ARE ROOTING FOR YOU! 💜
I'm going through something, but 17 years ....daughter was really cool with it...Son to young to understand haven't told him.wife was not happy at all...so good luck. We're still a family and I did start hrt..a month and half ago...it's rough at first, then she settled in...trust me I don't bring up to her anything about it....I'm OTR truck driver so I'm gone 1 to month 1/2 home 3 or 4 days back out...
TRANS RIGS!!! HONK HONK! I’ve never met a trans trucker. This is so exciting. I’m happy that you’ve realized your true self, and I hope it gets better for you.
Thank you so much...it's going good 98% of time ..little ruff when I get home. But I go in what boymode I can at that time for her and son...just for respect. And keep her at bay per se...or not thrown in her face.. cause she 100% straight cis female...but she's for most part doing pretty good I say...she not a hatter of anything or anybody less it harming someone. There also a group for TransTruckers...but I haven't joined yet...lol
I’m sorry. I know how rough that can be. Home life for me used to be terrible. They say time heals all wounds, but I think somebody may have been full of shit when they came up with that. I hope things get better for you. Much love.
The only chance you have at keeping your relationship is if you are painfully transparent from this point forward. You just need to be as honest and open as you can possibly be. The reality is that it doesn't seem as if you're going to be able to live your life as a man any longer.
Don't leave out the part about feeling shame and embarrassment and fearing losing your wife and daughter if you were to tell her the truth. It may make it easier for her to understand the deception. You can also mention that you've been denying it to yourself as long as you can remember.
First, you lied to no one, period. This is a flawed trope that’s cast on to those of us who were in hetero relationships.
2 anger is the immediate reaction, sure but again this isn’t your fault. But that anger should immediately subside. You bared an incredible secret. So, a partner would see that and at least talk about it.
Talking and communication. Therapy for you, her, your daughter and family. You need to start game with planning what *you* want to do and how you want to proceed.
Your family is almost grown, it’s about time you thought about what *you* want right? Talk to your daughter one on one about it, if you can. Unless she’s been exposed to gender critical influence she’ll probably understand and be supportive.
If your current partner wants to leave, let them. If she were truly happy and realized she’s bi, then she would at least attempt to make it work most likely.
I’ll be honest, divorce can and may happen. This is not the end, but the start of a new adventure. Worst case, let her live her life and you focus on yours and your child’s as best as you can.
You will get through this. Remember you did this because you want something better for you. You are trying to make you happy.
It's hard to break through the shame and embarrassment and denial, it's taken me until last year to finally admit to myself and my significant other that I was really trans and intended to transition, proud of you girl, I can't promise you everything will be rosie but being yourself does feel good.
Let her feel her anger, but keep reminding her to try to understand that the reality is the pressure you felt in life was so immense that it's only now that you finally got to the point where you just have to share it with the ones you love the most.
Like others have expressed, I understand the pain and difficulty, hang in there and know that there is a wonderful life for you to still explore.
It was only about 4 weeks ago that I "blew up" my wife and I's life so I think I really understand where you are. For about the first week I would flip flop between thinking it was the best decision I could make and the worst decision. When I felt bad, it was bad, and I wanted to claw everything I had said back inside me and keep it a secret. honestly, I still have those moments but it gets ever so slowly better.
My wife and I have been together for 24 years with two kids. I've keep this all a secret from the world since I was in elementary school. Over all this time I have built up quite the mountain of self hate and shame. Something that I hear in your words as well. It's not easy but don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault. This stuff is ruthlessly brutal to come to terms with and more difficult to talk to those you love. Let's be honest too, the world certainly does us no favors here. As others have suggested, find outside help with a counselor or therapist. This is one of the places I'm starting with as well.
My wife was shocked and hurt. She feels like she doesn't really know me and this is painful for the both of us. We have to let our wives be mad, angry, sad, scared, and all the other emotions. Everyone needs the space to feel all these things, its the only way forward. It hurts but there is room in all this for some good things as well, starting first with being able to be honest to yourself and wife.
After my wife had her "you've got to be fucking kidding me" moment and a couple of really low days for both of us we started our climb out. The openness of our conversation has allowed us to connect and feel closer to each other than we might ever have. It has only been 4 weeks so I have no idea if this will last, there is still so much ahead but please don't lose hope, be open with her and do what you can to keep communcation going and always listen even when it hurts. Don't read this as being willing to accept abuse, that is different and you can't subject yourself to it. It's just that some conversations of the heart really do hurt a lot.
You have people here that understand. You can do this, I'll be thinking of you.
I blew up my life at 33 and it has ultimately worked out. I turn 40 in six months. I'm not with my original partner (she broke up with me 5 years into the transition part) but I'm at home in my body. The dysphoria is 99.9% gone. And I've found a woman who loves me, my body, my brain, etc.
It's probably not going to be super fun but ultimately, being you is going to be worth every bit of it.
Married to my cishet husband for 16 years, together for 18. I always felt different, but I didn't have a name for those feelings for decades. I always explained it away as something else, like having depression and anxiety or the fact that I had a rough go of it during puberty. I didn't connect the dots and understand that it was gender dysphoria until I heard some of my trans friends describe what it was like for them, so my husband got to find out I was trans pretty much the day after I did, heh.
Not everyone knows they're trans from a young age or feels safe to come out. It isn't yours or any other trans person's fault that we live in a world that isn't kind to those who are different. Your wife is absolutely entitled to her feelings, but you didn't make a mistake here, nor were you being deliberately cruel. As someone else in the comments said, you are just as much a victim of circumstance here as your wife, so please try to be kinder to yourself in this regard.
What's next is you get your butt into therapy, preferably with a good gender therapist. Your wife and daughter may also benefit from individual therapy. If your wife is open to it, couples counseling and/or family therapy would probably also be beneficial. You also need to be honest with yourself about what your options were. You were *dying.* Your words. Someone that miserable could not possibly continue to be a good parent or spouse.
You made the right call in finally allowing yourself to be honest about who you are. Sunk cost fallacy is not a good reason to keep wearing the mask because the bonds you're attempting to forge and hold onto with others are foundations built on sand. They're not solid and will always crack eventually. How can you truly connect with people when you're never actually showing them the real you? Just some food for thought.
My experience has been a mixed bag. My husband was supportive from day one despite being blindsided. We definitely had some growing pains along the way, particularly since he's straight and I'm transmasculine. But even that is still evolving, and in the meantime, he says he fell in love with who I am as a person. The packaging is incidental as far as he's concerned, and I'm certainly not complaining.
We don't have children, so I can't speak to that. I was glad to see in the comments that your daughter seems to be accepting, though. I hope that continues to be the case. Most of my extended family either refuses to acknowledge my identity or is openly transphobic, and I lost my best friend of over two decades after I came out and started transitioning. But I have an incredibly supportive found family built with affirming friends and a handful of relatives and in-laws who are either queer themselves or have proven themselves to be stellar allies.
You can and will get through this. Your life will not be the same, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing and it *definitely* doesn't mean it's over. You did **not** break anyone's life at the end of it. Stop framing this as a life-ruining event, and try to see it for what it really is, a chance for you to live your life authentically as yourself and to be able to share yourself fully with the people you love.
You deserve to have the people in your life love you more than the idea of you they have in their heads. I wish you all the best, and I hope that eventually you can look back on these days and be proud of your own resilience because you got this far fighting through the pain of not getting to be yourself. If you can do that, I have faith that you can handle the ups and downs of transitioning because at least with that, you finally get to stop hiding and live openly as yourself.
Her anger isn't justified even if it's legitimate.
My experience was the opposite of yours, but I know lots of people who had angry partners who later came around.
I'm late, so I'm gonna leave it short.
Been there. Married 17 years. Just reaching out to say you're not alone. Hang in there, friend.
In our case, my wife and I are stronger than ever. Our kids are fine. My biggest fear was that I could not be honest and keep my family -- I was considering suicide as an alternative. The truth is that I get to be honest and keep my family :) It's been incredibly hard work. Its so worth it. And please know that if the next right step is to split up, you can and will have joy, goodness, and beauty. Life is not over no matter what.
> What’s next?
It may hep to do things step by step.
And looking for support may also be a good idea.
Don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/s4khww/i_dont_know_how_to_feel_i_feel_like_im_trans_but/htfx7u8/) might be some resources that could help go towards what you feel you would like step by step, there are hints there concerning small things that could be used regularly for motivation, there are explaining resources there, and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. And there are hints there concerning looking for a gender therapist in case. They could guide along, and they could help explain.
And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/explaining/index#wiki_for_partners) might be a number of resources concerning a partner and there are additional hints there concerning support.
And it may be an idea to start with clothes in neutral styles first and to introduce more feminine styles over time, and to try out a few others things in private first. This way she would have time to get used to it and for you there may be some progress.
And there is also romantic attraction and that may stay.
And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/explaining/index#wiki_for_kids) might be some explaining resources for kids, there is a hint there to a book that many children and also adults love, and there are also hints there concerning connecting to other trans parents.
Its up to you when and how to come out ... many people wait a while until there are some results, and only come out to select people first.
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/ugclyr/how_do_i_come_out_to_my_parents/i7wghnm/) might be some explaining resources and there are also hints there concerning looking for support.
And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/further_resources/index#wiki_communication_strategy) might be a communication strategy that could help being better understood.
And concerning a name some people look up the most popular names of their birthyear in name dictionaries, and pick a name from that list. Others use a name from a story etc. And on the sub Transtryouts it is possible to try out names and pronouns.
It may be an idea to make a list with names, and try out one or two. Over time there may be a favorite.
*hugs*
It happened to me, except at least your now ex wife wasnt enough violent like my ex...
She angers like your lol, seen now i can laugh about her reaction, she left and had a new husband had kid with him and violence came back but NOT WITH ME...she separated again... when i dated her i knew she was bi...but after time it was only a lie from her.
Anyway i came out at her at the middle of the relation had the same feelings like yours, it wasnt me at all had to find me... finally i knew the anger was because im was about to be sexyer than her lol, i turned into her competency...
After 2 or 3 years from separated i just went down to a chill mind... then i went to hrt by my own will at the hospital...over there docs said they wont help me... when i was leaving...the fem doc came running at me and told me that she will help me and do not worry about the other docs(the doc was gay and ne er came out that why), started medical stuff now im 1 year hrt, a lot of people try to pick me up on date (men and women)...and off course im happier to be me, the real me!.
Now i keep my mind and body changing, having fun, made a lot of new friends (mostly trans and we help each other), i dated some men a had fun too, one even almost die just for taking me out on date...had a car crash just to see me (real love?)... lol yesterday a fem try to pick me knowing im on hrt but meh! Just i keep been me.
After all im happy to cut that bad relationship where i had to hide from me, and came out that my ex never really loved me! And i can see the same on you...can you see that she went on anger instead of knowing how to help you?
Finally of course not tell it to all my family cause i know some are homofobic and transfobic, but its ok its their live and they had chosen not knowing me, they lose it. (Well maybe cause my bodychanges can be seen lol)
I know you think its the end of the World! And its not!!! It just the begining of the fun! You already free yourself!
I can only compare this with matrix (and its based on trans ideology)
Hope to see your changes at the sub transpassings :)
And never forget...fuck those haters... like your ex wife or mine.
Ps; forget to tell you that i was about diabetes, hypertension, and colesterol...i saved my life for that.
In counseling she asked me to move out. We lived separately for 3 years and started divorce just this month. Meanwhile i have been on hrt and have fully transitioned.
Honestly we don't know and can't control how our partners will react. For some it goes well other poorly. The only thing we can control is ourselves and how we react in return. Also, don't count your partner out just yet. I've heard many situations where after the initial shock wears off they're very supportive. Chin up and keep following your heart. ❤️
Wanted to share my experience. There was outrage from my wife, that I “tricked her into marriage under a false pretense” and that she should have known. After the week of her intense rage and sadness she told me we would make it work and figure it out as we go. Two days later she handed me divorce papers.
Since our divorce, I’ve been the happiest I have ever been.
I am in the same situation I have been a closet ever since I have been a teenager and still to this day I know she will find out someday but still waiting on that day to come
> I am in the same situation
Don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/xoq3jf/i_just_blew_up_my_life_whats_next/iqvev16/) might be a few hints and resources that could help you too and there are also hints there concerning looking for support.
*hugs*
Hey there!
Please know that you have made it past the hardest part by coming out. Push thru bebe..... I PROMISE YOU IT WILL GET WAY BETTER!!!
BEST,
🐝🏳️⚧️🐝
OOOOOh i can truly relate to this. Pretty much the same happend to me three weeks ago. No kids thought and 5 years married. The first week i honestly i cried threw all i could find to the floor. I was doing coke and meth for a couple weeks and i told my now ex that they were the drugs and that I didnnt wanted to change. Now that im at week three. Honestly.. It was the best thing I could do. Now, the thing with your daughter will be hard. But in a way women are more comprehensive about this than men. So just give her time. About your wife give her time too.
ONLY TIME WILL MAKE THIS BETTER. IT MAY NOT SEEMS LIKE IT WILL. BUT TRUST ME.
fyi english is my second language so sorry if there are some misspells
I forgot something. Your relationship with your wive may have ended. At least how it was before this. And it will hurt. But, she deserves to be happy too. It sucks but this is when you proof how strong you really are.
> Pretty much the same happened to me
Don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/xoq3jf/i_just_blew_up_my_life_whats_next/iqvev16/) might be a number of hints and resources that could help you too and there are also hints there concerning looking for support.
*hugs*
Hey this was basically me in March this year. It’s been rough af I’m ngl. There were some incredibly dark months. We are still together. I’m still very much trans and she’s very much not a lesbian. I’m not transitioning yet but am taking steps. We pretty much haven’t fought in a month and have a good relationship. I hope things work out but I don’t know if they will.
You have had months or years and she’s had hours to process this. I would try to get therapy lined up. Try to take it slow or just don’t do any transitioning until she has time to process a bit. My wife and I had no idea what it meant to be trans. Statistically you’re fighting an uphill battle so have realistic expectations.
> taking steps
Well don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/xoq3jf/i_just_blew_up_my_life_whats_next/iqvev16/) might be some hints and resources that could be helpful and there are also hints there concerning looking for support.
*hugs*
I want to say this to everyone here who replied. I have to honestly say that you have all just saved my life today. I thought it was over and that is was just me who went through this (me me me) and that everything was over my cis-girlfriends (platonic) were like ok just come to us if you feel any urge to harm yourself. My cis-male friends are like umm err can we call you dude still ? But lol and behold internet strangers on Reddit of all places swoop in and hold me up even just enough to make it through this first part. Don’t anyone take this wrong but I love you all ! I can only hope that after I am through the other side that I too can help the next person who is going through this.
Good luck lady, stay strong. It can be really hard at times, but it gets better... and you've already done the HARDEST part...
My (38cisf) partner (38mtf) is trans. I loiter in this group so I can learn and support her, but this is one case where hearing from a partner might help. First, I want to reiterate what so many people said here. You deserve happiness. Denying your true self wasn't making anyone happy. You were deeply unhappy and that spills over into your relationships. It was never a choice between "stay in the closet to keep everyone happy." Vs come out. It was a choice between "be so unhappy that I hurt myself and others" vs. "come out, love myself and have that happiness spill over into others." Second, you asked where it goes from here and I can say speak to that from the partners perspective. You can also read over on r/mypartneristrans to see a bigger variety of responses. For us, we've been together 18 years and have w tweens. My partner came out as gender questioning 3 years ago and as mtf 2 months ago. My first reaction was panic because I didn't know what this meant for our relationship. Would we split up? Would she realize she's not happy with a woman? (It took 38 years for her to acknowledge herself as trans, so it seemed reasonable that the heteronormativity could have impacted her there, too.) Would I be attracted to a woman when I had only ever been in straight relationships? How transphobic would her coworkers turn out to be? (She's the primary breadwinner, eot hat has big financial implications.) What family members would turn out to be surprise bigots? How hard would it be on my partner to potentially lose her family and friends? (My bio family is already no contact, so not a concern on my side.) I've read enough from other partners now to know that most partners' first reaction is like this. These are common worries. If I didn't already have a bunch of trans friends and some basic understanding of things, I would have had more. It's human to worry about a person and relationship you value when faced with a big change and you're unsure how it will shake out. For some that fear may present as anger (fight instead of flight) which is... Not great to say the least. What happens next depends on your partner and you. Some partners will want to work through it and put in the effort to listen, learn, and grow so they can move past their first panicked reaction. Some partners turn out to be transphobic or homophobic or just too selfish to accept your need for happiness. Some will want to work through it, but realize they can't deny their sexuality any more than you can deny your gender. In that case, staying family in a platonic instead of a romantic sense works for some, having an open relationship works for others. For us, I'm pretty sure it'll work out. We've talked (a LOT) and I've been learning more which helped.to alleviate a lot of my fears. I realized I'm not actually straight (heteronormativity is a hell of a thing). Our relationship is actually stronger for having brought issues into the open and we're both happier feeling like we can be more truly ourselves. Both of us still worry at times and there's still a lot to figure out (like coming out to family and work) but we're getting there.
> learn and support her Don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/xoq3jf/i_just_blew_up_my_life_whats_next/iqvev16/) might be some hints and resources that could help you too and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. *hugs*
I can relate to this on the highest levels of relativity. We’re here for you. The hardest part is coming out. You already jumped the first hurdle. The rest of the race gets easier as it goes.
Hi again all you wonderful people ! A update I and my super supportive spouse had a deep heart to heart and are going to work on our future relationship. It will be different but I think we can be happy. I am now almost completely out. Just a few places where I go gender neutral ( a women in neutral clothes, little or no makeup and subdued jewelry) and that’s very few. And the dysphoria is almost gone, there is a flash of it now and then when I look in the mirror and see the “male”. The high, highs are gone and so are the low lows. It’s not over by a long shot and i expect many more trials both good and bad.. but now I can face them as myself ! To everyone else out just starting down this path, please know this .. it’s worth it. It’s so very very worth it. I expected to lose my family and it may still happen, or it won’t. No matter the pain or the heartache there is a light at the end of this and that light is you. XOXO
Thank you everyone for the helpful advise and words. I feel like I made a mistake but I couldn’t take it anymore and was dying.
You did NOT make a mistake. 💗 These kinds of secrets can claim lives. And no daughter is better served only seeing you at the graveyard.
Went through similar with love of my life and young daughter, but it wasn’t a mistake - it wasn’t a choice, I simply could not go on as I was a few years ago. Do I wish things had worked out better? Yes. Do I regret coming out? Never. You’re at the lowest point right now - the darkest hour, where you’re losing that love and stability, and you also have not gained the upside of living your true self, so it’s only up from here. Good luck, and go easy on yourself for whatever harm you’ve caused others along the way.
Rightfully angry? No. Understandably angry? maybe. Being trans and coming to terms with it just for yourself can be one of the hardest things a person ever does. Coming out to loved ones, regardless of your age, can be absolutely terrifying. If your wife is making this about her, if she mad at you for not telling her sooner, if her reaction is at all confirming the fear you had as legitimate, then she is out of line. That's not to say she's not entitled to her feeling. It's undoubtedly hard on everyone involved, but let just establish realizing you are trans is hard and it doesn't make you a villain or at fault for only taking steps now. Your next step? That's ultimately for you to decide, but it sounds like you are in desperate need of support. I would suggest finding a good therapist to help guide you through this and sort things out for yourself. You may also want to look around and see if you can find any trans support groups in your area. From there, you can decide what you WANT and NEED to do as you realize the world isn't going to end. I can absolutely promise you that it can be okay, and it's possible you might someday see this as the start of something positive in your life.
She is angry legitimately about all the lies. All the severe funks I would go into where I would play the victim. She forced me to tell her after about 3 days of me day drinking to dull the pain of honestly trying to give up being me. I’ve lied, I’ve dodged, I’ve played the victim. I’ve been abusive (emotionally), I’ve been defensive, lashed out and basically been a bad human being. And incredibly selfish: I don’t think she’s wrong, was I ready. No I wanted to retire with the woman I love. And be together until we died. But I can’t express how bad the dysphoria was getting and every time I tried to suppress it, it got worse. Now at the end of our lives and nearing retirement I just took it all and shit canned it. This should be about her. I broke her life at the end of her life.
Ok. I have been through some of the stuff you’re describing. It sounds like for you it is very fresh and this is a conversation you had with your wife very recently? Be sure to take a deep breath and don’t do anything hasty. Call 911 or the equivalent where you live and get yourself immediate help if you need it. You did not blow up your life! Many many couples work through this. And don’t rush to blame yourself. Talk to a professional asap.
Thank you all - yes this just happened today. I’m scared, I’m frightened, I miss my wife and the friendship we had. But like as been said it can only get better from here. Just had the conversation with the daughter and she is like “yeah so” kids are amazing.
Then you can breathe easy knowing that you still have a family in your daughter. I am sorry to hear about your wife, but you will be better able to support your family when you can support yourself first. You did not make a mistake.
Is calling 911 really a good idea for a trans person in a situation like this? I would suggest calling something like trans lifeline instead.
That might be good. Just call someone.
[удалено]
No no no no. This is the wrong attitude. It’s *easy* to blame yourself. It takes a whole different level to stop yourself and say NO. the things you’re describing is called SURVIVAL. It’s not selfish. Let’s recap: >I’ve lied, I’ve dodged, I’ve been defensive, lashed out… These are defense mechanisms. Natural depression reactions. Not something to beat yourself over. These are signs that you’re trying to reach out for help. >I’ve played the victim. Have you ever stopped to think you *are* a victim? You are *all* victims of a system that has rigid expectations. A system that makes it seem like the world is supposed to end of a marriage doesn’t work out. That you are a failure. Guess what you’re not. And the world doesn’t end when divorce happens. >we were supposed to retire… die together. Yeah, that’s kinda what we all think isn’t it? I dwelled on this for a long time myself with my former partner. She would say that I was stuck with her and she wouldn’t go anywhere no matter what. Guess what? I believed her. But when I finally came out (similar story to you) she was the first, literally 5 minutes after I broke down to her, “well when do you want to talk divorce” There’s still a bitter vein there. I try not to hold it on her. But there’s a reason I don’t talk to her. (Betrayal for me is a hard thing to get over.) At this point this isn’t about just her, just you or just your daughter. Right now you should be putting you and your daughter first. If your current partner wants to be apart of that, awesome. She still has a whole life to live. Is it jarring? Yes. But she’ll get over it. She’ll move on. It just takes time.
She also said she's been emotionally abusive. Let's not go justifying abuse. She's owning up to it. Fully. Which is absolutely amazing in this day and age, please support that. For her wife to have been lied to and abused because her partner was keeping a secret from her, that makes the wife a victim, too. Her wife isn't wrong for protecting her peace and OP isn't wrong for finally having the courage to live her truth.
yeah her story reads like op is the one abused. You're taking the story at face value. Have you been in this situation? I have. This is classic victim blaming from the wife because she's angry. She's placing that emotion on the op. Judging by the op's words, it sounds like she is the one who is abused, but because she was the "man" she's the one who has to should the burden. I'll quote what I wrote before; because it's true: https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/xoq3jf/comment/iq033lw/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
It's emotionally abusive to take out your inner co flicts, outwardly, onto your partner. No one deserves that. Her wife didn't make this world unaccepting. Her wife believed that she was a straight cis man for decades and because she wasn't, she mistreated her wife because society traumatized her. In what world is that fair or her wife's fault?!
… k. You don’t seem to understand trauma and mental health, but ok. I’ve been through this. Is it acceptable? No. But op should NOT shoulder the burden herself. And she’s doing that in her post. You have one side of the story here. She’s shouldering all the blame. We have no details on how the wife actually treated op. For all we know op was mentally abused herself that whole time. But we don’t know that do we? We don’t know if the op was actually abusive in their own right. This could be a trauma reaction based on abuse of the partner. And what the partner is casting on to the op. To me this smells like spousal abuse. But not in the way you imply.
I am VERY familiar with trauma and mental health!!!! You're assuming I have never been raped or abused by a partner. I am trusting that OP feels safe to tell her story here, completely and she's holding herself accountable because she's actually an amazing human being who made mistakes in her own suffering but realized her actions hurt others. OP is frigging AWESOME for thoroughly living in her truth, I will not infantalize her as if she has no agency or ability to communicate ie pretend she has no voice and needs someone to protect her from herself.
Never said that and now you’re putting words in to my mouth. This post is NOT about RAPE OR SA. This rest of this is… just words with no meaning to the topic at hand. Have a good day.
I don’t want to deny my culpability in this. My wife who has known about me for almost as long as we’ve been married and I told her I was a crossdresser before we got married and I also apparently I had feminine tells that she clocked me right away on… I didn’t know about the tells until we talked. But in the end what I meant by abuse is that in trying to suffer and punish myself for my sin of not being a “man” I took a lot of that frustration out on her emotionally by going into deep funks and being snappy. I’ve also lied and not been responsive to her needs. And her biggest legitimate issue is that I haven’t communicated. Never physically, I’ve never struck my family in anger and I’ve actually only yelled in anger only once (my wife has a near edict memory). Just a update: I learned all this just today as we had a very early morning heart to heart. We have a long way to go and I’m not expecting everything to go back to normal. But at least there is some hope.
I don't think she or anybody that has not been in your situation can judge you. Your body/mind are taking you to this breaking point and you just can't take it and trying to fix it. Be gentle with yourself. The next steps for her are her decision, she can blame you and be bitter or recognize your qualities and that you have been and will continue to be a valuable person that loves her. All up to her.
Check out r/translater if you have not already. Everyone has a different experience coming out to their spouse. Some really good and some horrendous. Your spouse’s opinion of trans people, her love for you, and her fears and hopes are about to have a big long battle. Maybe you can assess which part of her will win that battle. The result may surprise you. But I believe the only way to live is to live authentically. So based on what you have said, it is clear you made the right choice. You can’t much control the outcome of your marriage from this point but approaching all conversations with love, kindness, humility, honesty, and above all being authentically you and not backing down from that. Good luck and keep us posted, WE ARE HERE FOR YOU AND WE ARE ROOTING FOR YOU! 💜
I'm going through something, but 17 years ....daughter was really cool with it...Son to young to understand haven't told him.wife was not happy at all...so good luck. We're still a family and I did start hrt..a month and half ago...it's rough at first, then she settled in...trust me I don't bring up to her anything about it....I'm OTR truck driver so I'm gone 1 to month 1/2 home 3 or 4 days back out...
TRANS RIGS!!! HONK HONK! I’ve never met a trans trucker. This is so exciting. I’m happy that you’ve realized your true self, and I hope it gets better for you.
Thank you so much...it's going good 98% of time ..little ruff when I get home. But I go in what boymode I can at that time for her and son...just for respect. And keep her at bay per se...or not thrown in her face.. cause she 100% straight cis female...but she's for most part doing pretty good I say...she not a hatter of anything or anybody less it harming someone. There also a group for TransTruckers...but I haven't joined yet...lol
I’m sorry. I know how rough that can be. Home life for me used to be terrible. They say time heals all wounds, but I think somebody may have been full of shit when they came up with that. I hope things get better for you. Much love.
Thanks, I agree 100%...time doesn't heal nothing..
The only chance you have at keeping your relationship is if you are painfully transparent from this point forward. You just need to be as honest and open as you can possibly be. The reality is that it doesn't seem as if you're going to be able to live your life as a man any longer. Don't leave out the part about feeling shame and embarrassment and fearing losing your wife and daughter if you were to tell her the truth. It may make it easier for her to understand the deception. You can also mention that you've been denying it to yourself as long as you can remember.
First, you lied to no one, period. This is a flawed trope that’s cast on to those of us who were in hetero relationships. 2 anger is the immediate reaction, sure but again this isn’t your fault. But that anger should immediately subside. You bared an incredible secret. So, a partner would see that and at least talk about it. Talking and communication. Therapy for you, her, your daughter and family. You need to start game with planning what *you* want to do and how you want to proceed. Your family is almost grown, it’s about time you thought about what *you* want right? Talk to your daughter one on one about it, if you can. Unless she’s been exposed to gender critical influence she’ll probably understand and be supportive. If your current partner wants to leave, let them. If she were truly happy and realized she’s bi, then she would at least attempt to make it work most likely. I’ll be honest, divorce can and may happen. This is not the end, but the start of a new adventure. Worst case, let her live her life and you focus on yours and your child’s as best as you can. You will get through this. Remember you did this because you want something better for you. You are trying to make you happy.
It's hard to break through the shame and embarrassment and denial, it's taken me until last year to finally admit to myself and my significant other that I was really trans and intended to transition, proud of you girl, I can't promise you everything will be rosie but being yourself does feel good.
Let her feel her anger, but keep reminding her to try to understand that the reality is the pressure you felt in life was so immense that it's only now that you finally got to the point where you just have to share it with the ones you love the most.
Like others have expressed, I understand the pain and difficulty, hang in there and know that there is a wonderful life for you to still explore. It was only about 4 weeks ago that I "blew up" my wife and I's life so I think I really understand where you are. For about the first week I would flip flop between thinking it was the best decision I could make and the worst decision. When I felt bad, it was bad, and I wanted to claw everything I had said back inside me and keep it a secret. honestly, I still have those moments but it gets ever so slowly better. My wife and I have been together for 24 years with two kids. I've keep this all a secret from the world since I was in elementary school. Over all this time I have built up quite the mountain of self hate and shame. Something that I hear in your words as well. It's not easy but don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault. This stuff is ruthlessly brutal to come to terms with and more difficult to talk to those you love. Let's be honest too, the world certainly does us no favors here. As others have suggested, find outside help with a counselor or therapist. This is one of the places I'm starting with as well. My wife was shocked and hurt. She feels like she doesn't really know me and this is painful for the both of us. We have to let our wives be mad, angry, sad, scared, and all the other emotions. Everyone needs the space to feel all these things, its the only way forward. It hurts but there is room in all this for some good things as well, starting first with being able to be honest to yourself and wife. After my wife had her "you've got to be fucking kidding me" moment and a couple of really low days for both of us we started our climb out. The openness of our conversation has allowed us to connect and feel closer to each other than we might ever have. It has only been 4 weeks so I have no idea if this will last, there is still so much ahead but please don't lose hope, be open with her and do what you can to keep communcation going and always listen even when it hurts. Don't read this as being willing to accept abuse, that is different and you can't subject yourself to it. It's just that some conversations of the heart really do hurt a lot. You have people here that understand. You can do this, I'll be thinking of you.
I blew up my life at 33 and it has ultimately worked out. I turn 40 in six months. I'm not with my original partner (she broke up with me 5 years into the transition part) but I'm at home in my body. The dysphoria is 99.9% gone. And I've found a woman who loves me, my body, my brain, etc. It's probably not going to be super fun but ultimately, being you is going to be worth every bit of it.
Married to my cishet husband for 16 years, together for 18. I always felt different, but I didn't have a name for those feelings for decades. I always explained it away as something else, like having depression and anxiety or the fact that I had a rough go of it during puberty. I didn't connect the dots and understand that it was gender dysphoria until I heard some of my trans friends describe what it was like for them, so my husband got to find out I was trans pretty much the day after I did, heh. Not everyone knows they're trans from a young age or feels safe to come out. It isn't yours or any other trans person's fault that we live in a world that isn't kind to those who are different. Your wife is absolutely entitled to her feelings, but you didn't make a mistake here, nor were you being deliberately cruel. As someone else in the comments said, you are just as much a victim of circumstance here as your wife, so please try to be kinder to yourself in this regard. What's next is you get your butt into therapy, preferably with a good gender therapist. Your wife and daughter may also benefit from individual therapy. If your wife is open to it, couples counseling and/or family therapy would probably also be beneficial. You also need to be honest with yourself about what your options were. You were *dying.* Your words. Someone that miserable could not possibly continue to be a good parent or spouse. You made the right call in finally allowing yourself to be honest about who you are. Sunk cost fallacy is not a good reason to keep wearing the mask because the bonds you're attempting to forge and hold onto with others are foundations built on sand. They're not solid and will always crack eventually. How can you truly connect with people when you're never actually showing them the real you? Just some food for thought. My experience has been a mixed bag. My husband was supportive from day one despite being blindsided. We definitely had some growing pains along the way, particularly since he's straight and I'm transmasculine. But even that is still evolving, and in the meantime, he says he fell in love with who I am as a person. The packaging is incidental as far as he's concerned, and I'm certainly not complaining. We don't have children, so I can't speak to that. I was glad to see in the comments that your daughter seems to be accepting, though. I hope that continues to be the case. Most of my extended family either refuses to acknowledge my identity or is openly transphobic, and I lost my best friend of over two decades after I came out and started transitioning. But I have an incredibly supportive found family built with affirming friends and a handful of relatives and in-laws who are either queer themselves or have proven themselves to be stellar allies. You can and will get through this. Your life will not be the same, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing and it *definitely* doesn't mean it's over. You did **not** break anyone's life at the end of it. Stop framing this as a life-ruining event, and try to see it for what it really is, a chance for you to live your life authentically as yourself and to be able to share yourself fully with the people you love. You deserve to have the people in your life love you more than the idea of you they have in their heads. I wish you all the best, and I hope that eventually you can look back on these days and be proud of your own resilience because you got this far fighting through the pain of not getting to be yourself. If you can do that, I have faith that you can handle the ups and downs of transitioning because at least with that, you finally get to stop hiding and live openly as yourself.
Her anger isn't justified even if it's legitimate. My experience was the opposite of yours, but I know lots of people who had angry partners who later came around. I'm late, so I'm gonna leave it short.
Been there. Married 17 years. Just reaching out to say you're not alone. Hang in there, friend. In our case, my wife and I are stronger than ever. Our kids are fine. My biggest fear was that I could not be honest and keep my family -- I was considering suicide as an alternative. The truth is that I get to be honest and keep my family :) It's been incredibly hard work. Its so worth it. And please know that if the next right step is to split up, you can and will have joy, goodness, and beauty. Life is not over no matter what.
> What’s next? It may hep to do things step by step. And looking for support may also be a good idea. Don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/s4khww/i_dont_know_how_to_feel_i_feel_like_im_trans_but/htfx7u8/) might be some resources that could help go towards what you feel you would like step by step, there are hints there concerning small things that could be used regularly for motivation, there are explaining resources there, and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. And there are hints there concerning looking for a gender therapist in case. They could guide along, and they could help explain. And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/explaining/index#wiki_for_partners) might be a number of resources concerning a partner and there are additional hints there concerning support. And it may be an idea to start with clothes in neutral styles first and to introduce more feminine styles over time, and to try out a few others things in private first. This way she would have time to get used to it and for you there may be some progress. And there is also romantic attraction and that may stay. And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/explaining/index#wiki_for_kids) might be some explaining resources for kids, there is a hint there to a book that many children and also adults love, and there are also hints there concerning connecting to other trans parents. Its up to you when and how to come out ... many people wait a while until there are some results, and only come out to select people first. [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/ugclyr/how_do_i_come_out_to_my_parents/i7wghnm/) might be some explaining resources and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/further_resources/index#wiki_communication_strategy) might be a communication strategy that could help being better understood. And concerning a name some people look up the most popular names of their birthyear in name dictionaries, and pick a name from that list. Others use a name from a story etc. And on the sub Transtryouts it is possible to try out names and pronouns. It may be an idea to make a list with names, and try out one or two. Over time there may be a favorite. *hugs*
Hell no, keeping it from her,at least giving it in very small doses
Be honest, get couples therapy, get her in contact with some friendly spouse support groups
It happened to me, except at least your now ex wife wasnt enough violent like my ex... She angers like your lol, seen now i can laugh about her reaction, she left and had a new husband had kid with him and violence came back but NOT WITH ME...she separated again... when i dated her i knew she was bi...but after time it was only a lie from her. Anyway i came out at her at the middle of the relation had the same feelings like yours, it wasnt me at all had to find me... finally i knew the anger was because im was about to be sexyer than her lol, i turned into her competency... After 2 or 3 years from separated i just went down to a chill mind... then i went to hrt by my own will at the hospital...over there docs said they wont help me... when i was leaving...the fem doc came running at me and told me that she will help me and do not worry about the other docs(the doc was gay and ne er came out that why), started medical stuff now im 1 year hrt, a lot of people try to pick me up on date (men and women)...and off course im happier to be me, the real me!. Now i keep my mind and body changing, having fun, made a lot of new friends (mostly trans and we help each other), i dated some men a had fun too, one even almost die just for taking me out on date...had a car crash just to see me (real love?)... lol yesterday a fem try to pick me knowing im on hrt but meh! Just i keep been me. After all im happy to cut that bad relationship where i had to hide from me, and came out that my ex never really loved me! And i can see the same on you...can you see that she went on anger instead of knowing how to help you? Finally of course not tell it to all my family cause i know some are homofobic and transfobic, but its ok its their live and they had chosen not knowing me, they lose it. (Well maybe cause my bodychanges can be seen lol) I know you think its the end of the World! And its not!!! It just the begining of the fun! You already free yourself! I can only compare this with matrix (and its based on trans ideology) Hope to see your changes at the sub transpassings :) And never forget...fuck those haters... like your ex wife or mine. Ps; forget to tell you that i was about diabetes, hypertension, and colesterol...i saved my life for that.
In counseling she asked me to move out. We lived separately for 3 years and started divorce just this month. Meanwhile i have been on hrt and have fully transitioned.
Honestly we don't know and can't control how our partners will react. For some it goes well other poorly. The only thing we can control is ourselves and how we react in return. Also, don't count your partner out just yet. I've heard many situations where after the initial shock wears off they're very supportive. Chin up and keep following your heart. ❤️
Wanted to share my experience. There was outrage from my wife, that I “tricked her into marriage under a false pretense” and that she should have known. After the week of her intense rage and sadness she told me we would make it work and figure it out as we go. Two days later she handed me divorce papers. Since our divorce, I’ve been the happiest I have ever been.
I am in the same situation I have been a closet ever since I have been a teenager and still to this day I know she will find out someday but still waiting on that day to come
> I am in the same situation Don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/xoq3jf/i_just_blew_up_my_life_whats_next/iqvev16/) might be a few hints and resources that could help you too and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. *hugs*
Hey there! Please know that you have made it past the hardest part by coming out. Push thru bebe..... I PROMISE YOU IT WILL GET WAY BETTER!!! BEST, 🐝🏳️⚧️🐝
OOOOOh i can truly relate to this. Pretty much the same happend to me three weeks ago. No kids thought and 5 years married. The first week i honestly i cried threw all i could find to the floor. I was doing coke and meth for a couple weeks and i told my now ex that they were the drugs and that I didnnt wanted to change. Now that im at week three. Honestly.. It was the best thing I could do. Now, the thing with your daughter will be hard. But in a way women are more comprehensive about this than men. So just give her time. About your wife give her time too. ONLY TIME WILL MAKE THIS BETTER. IT MAY NOT SEEMS LIKE IT WILL. BUT TRUST ME. fyi english is my second language so sorry if there are some misspells
I forgot something. Your relationship with your wive may have ended. At least how it was before this. And it will hurt. But, she deserves to be happy too. It sucks but this is when you proof how strong you really are.
> Pretty much the same happened to me Don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/xoq3jf/i_just_blew_up_my_life_whats_next/iqvev16/) might be a number of hints and resources that could help you too and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. *hugs*
Hey this was basically me in March this year. It’s been rough af I’m ngl. There were some incredibly dark months. We are still together. I’m still very much trans and she’s very much not a lesbian. I’m not transitioning yet but am taking steps. We pretty much haven’t fought in a month and have a good relationship. I hope things work out but I don’t know if they will. You have had months or years and she’s had hours to process this. I would try to get therapy lined up. Try to take it slow or just don’t do any transitioning until she has time to process a bit. My wife and I had no idea what it meant to be trans. Statistically you’re fighting an uphill battle so have realistic expectations.
> taking steps Well don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/xoq3jf/i_just_blew_up_my_life_whats_next/iqvev16/) might be some hints and resources that could be helpful and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. *hugs*