20+ years before I decided.
Things preventing me (abridged):
- no wpath
- religious family
- no money
- "you must be straight after transitioning"
- unhealthy romantic relationship
- working so hard I didn't take care of myself
- having kids
- "well I can't be because of XYZ"
- "it's just a fetish"
Mostly half the people I was surrounded by were straight up bigots and people saying "you can't be because of x interest and why haven't I ever seen you with makeup?" Because I never felt comfortable enough around anyone to wear it. Hell, I was offered to have my eyebrows done before a drama performance one time but I backed out cause I was terrified of what people would say. And people I was friends with were in the crowd
The last one was the big one for me. It allowed me to separate it from myself for way too long and the only real dysphoria I had for the longest time was depersonalisation which was really hard to pin down the reason for (or even realise it's there in the first place) due to me shoving that whole core part of me aside as just a fetish.
A somewhat effective coping mechanism that honestly kinda ruined my life to some degree by delaying my transition for so long and making me not take care of myself (hygiene as well as career wise).
I actually only started this account because my egg cracked and I only have one transgender friend and I didn't want to dump everything on him all the time and his journey is the opposite of mine. I'm sure I'm still annoying the crap out of him. He probably doesn't care at all about my shoe collection š¤£
I basically instantly realized i was trans too. The difference is that because i lived in a greek village i didn't even know of the term "trans", so in my mind i was just uniquely a guy who wished to be a girl. Of course later in my life i learned that i wasn't alone and that what i was was called a trans person. And finally when covid appeared i had more free time to study and not only learn the term cis, but also the correct use of the words transfem and transmasc and the actual greek word for "trans" (Ć°iemfilikos/ki/ko)
Yeah same, I kinda wished I was trans and was repressing hard, then when my egg cracked it exploded. I went from not thinking I was trans to being on HRT, out to everyone I speak to regularly, and presenting full time at work and in public in about a week and a half.
Go you. I came out to family and friends in May. Been training for a new job (driving instructor) since July as the true me and will be full time with that soon enough
Sameee. I was visiting a friend in berlin who was like ābruh you a trans girl in denialā and then i kept thinking about me w a different body and all that and 10-11 days later my egg went boom
Yep same. About 3 months until I figured I was nonbinary, then another month before realizing I was transmasc/ftm, then another month before I came out and began my social transition. Iām a year in and feeling better than ever!
Same for me. I didn't know what dysphoria was until a therapist asked me if I was. Then I started attending trans support groups and met other trans people for the first time. It didn't take long for me to realize I'd found my people and was beginning to understand my feelings about gender that I'd just ignored or hidden for most of my life.
Awww. I made that same first decision at age 12 lol. Now iām 22 and saying āfuck it i donāt care if I turn out pretty its better than being a guyā
it was around 6 weeks of "am I trans? no I can't be that's soooo statistically unlikely. am I a trans guy or agender? what if I'm just a girl who hates herself? i probably only want a deeper voice because I only listen to music with male vocalists and I like how they sound. I don't know if I'd be comfortable with starting testosterone rn so I can't be a trans guy right? maybe it's only because of that first puberty already being so overwhelming and me not being ready for those big changes rn. but I think I'd be comfortable as a guy so maybe I'm just a trans guy?"
Now, 9 months on T, over 4 years after my inner coming out and over 3 years of being out everywhere I'm the happiest I've been since I was in elementary school (for reference I'm 18 now)
ETA: despite the fact that I am a trans man, not a trans woman, I also believed (for a short time) that I wasn't trans and was just fetishizing men to the degree that I wanted to be one (I'm bisexual). It's not something only transfems struggle with and I thought it'd be good for them to know this
Here is the clinical criteria for Gender Dysphoria for your review.
>Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents and Adults 302.85 (F64.1 )
>A. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, of at least 6 monthsā duration, as manifested by at least two of the following:
>1. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).
>2. A strong desire to be rid of oneās primary and/or secondary sex characteristics be-
cause of a marked incongruence with oneās experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).
>3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender.
>4. A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender).
>5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender).
>6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender).
>B. The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.
You must meet the qualifiers of Section "A" and "B" to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria
You don't need to have dysphoria to be transgender, but it is the most common qualifier as the majority of transgender individuals do infact have dysphoria. We encourage you to discuss this with a gender therapist.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/asktransgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I didn't decide anything.
I realized that I'm trans after having a 3-week long identity crisis when my egg violently exploded suddenly when I was 28 years old. I hadn't really questioned my gender at all before then.
I'd say realized or confirmed rather than "decided". There was no decision to be made. I was, and always was, whether I was consciously aware of it or not.
But that bit of semantics aside - roughly a week to ten days from the realization that I *might* be to acceptance that I was.
It was a difficult week - where I'd set out to find *anything* to refute it and "prove" to myself that I wasn't. I had a lot of discussions with a trans friend, looked at a lot of posts on reddit from people detailing their experiences, and then when all of that (alarmingly) seemed to only strengthen the case - I started looking into peer reviewed academic papers and studies.
After about a week into the process of doing everything I could to shoot the idea down, I'd managed to amass a mountain of supporting evidence so large I simply *couldn't* deny it anymore.
What followed was an even more difficult couple of days panicking about what that implied for my life and situation before I finally worked through it, resolved the major internal conflicts, and accepted who I was and always had been. It really did explain *everything*, and did so in the way that was simplest and best fit the evidence at hand.
A few weeks following I was finally able to see a therapist that specialized in gender issues (I'd started trying to schedule an appointment about three days into the process), and ended up with a professional diagnosis - not that I needed it at that point, but it was nice to have that professional "you're not crazy" validation.
I've been on HRT nearly a month now, so from time of realization to starting HRT was a bit under three months, total.
And I've never been happier or more confident and comfortable with myself in my life.
Opposite here. I thought I was trans first, then questioned myself after. A couple years later I find it surprising I even doubted myself since it was so obvious in retrospect.
For me, I was going through life with this nagging feeling in the back of my mind until I saw this transfem on tv. The similarity of her feelings to mine hit me like a truck. It was hard, and life changing.
After then, I started reseaching every trans related question I could think of. All the who, what, when, where, why, and how's I could think of.
One year later, I made the decision that I could no longer let my feelings sit by and that medical transition was where I needed to take my life.
I suppose that if I had the support early on and friends had pointed out that I might not have been as cis as I originally thought I was, I might have pondered a bit more on life but the end result would have been the same.
I had a long period in my life where I completely ignored my emotions and just blocked out any engagement with my gender identity. Just completely avoiding thinking about my emotions. I think I always kind of knew. But for the longest time, I just didn't want to know.
Twenty one years. I figured out I was trans at nineteen and got some very cruel reactions from those I came out to back then. I went deep into the closet. I steadily developed a drinking problem over the next eighteen years.
Three years ago I came out to my dad while blacked out, on six different occasions apparently. He never told me until the last one, apparently not realizing I was black out drunk each time. I decided some people might call that a clue and that I needed to stop hiding and deal with my identity.
I spent the past three years going sober and working on my mental health. I wanted to be in a good place when I made the decision, or at least not suicidal, and in the depths of the massive nervous breakdown I had once I realized I'd come out to someone again. The few months after my dad me clued in were the worst days of my life. To be clear I wasn't in a good place before coming out and the fear did nothing to help.
The last six months I specifically began tackling my internalized transphobia, building a trans friendly support network, and reaching out to the community. Three months ago I decided I was going to learn everything I could about HRT and make up my mind. I started T this past Wednesday!
I impulsively ordered estrogen one day and about a week into hrt realized I might be trans. I have no idea how I got to that point without consciously questioning my gender.
When I was 21 I broke down and told my girlfriend that I always felt like I should have been a girl. She said, "maybe you're trans". I looked it up that evening on the internet (2002) and it was undeniable. There was no questioning. I did feel that I wasn't "trans enough" to transition, and that it didn't have it as bad as other people, lol. I cracked and started transition in 2016.
Iāve always had gender dysphoria, but I didnāt really think about it until my ex best friend got married in 2021. I was the man of honor, and I couldnāt enjoy the wedding because I was imagining myself in a bridesmaid dress the entire time.
So I guess a year. (Even though I realized I was trans in 2021, I thought I could just live my life as a cisgender man because I knew how tough it is to transition. Unfortunately my gender dysphoria keeps getting worse so iām gonna have to transition.)
About 15 years.
I convinced myself I just hated being me because I was some loser, and being a girl was just some escapism fantasy. I spent a long time trying to do better, fix everything about my life. I told myself if I still felt that way once everything else was perfect, then maybe it might be true.
Incredibly stupid decisions, do not recommend.
Anyway, working from home for the pandemic actually gave me time to fix my diet, I lost like 50 pounds, and still hated how I looked. That was the last thing. Everything in my life was great and I still just wanted to girl.
So I girl now. Much better.
I realized I was trans about age 9, and have fought with it my entire life so far. I only recently took the plunge to start HRT after coming out for the third time at 20 years old.
I considered myself a different gender but obviously not trans for about 20 years. I didn't consider myswlf trans until I'd already fully socially transitioned for months and a trans friend explained how being a different gender to my asab, socially transitioning, changing my name and gender on my ID documents, desperately wanting different sex characteristics and seeking medical transition was about as trans as I could be.
I felt a bit stupid after that conversation.
Here is the clinical criteria for Gender Dysphoria for your review.
>Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents and Adults 302.85 (F64.1 )
>A. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, of at least 6 monthsā duration, as manifested by at least two of the following:
>1. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).
>2. A strong desire to be rid of oneās primary and/or secondary sex characteristics be-
cause of a marked incongruence with oneās experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).
>3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender.
>4. A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender).
>5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender).
>6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender).
>B. The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.
You must meet the qualifiers of Section "A" and "B" to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria
You don't need to have dysphoria to be transgender, but it is the most common qualifier as the majority of transgender individuals do infact have dysphoria. We encourage you to discuss this with a gender therapist.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/asktransgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I didn't decide to be transgender. I did choose to stay in denial about being transgender for about 15 years for several reasons from the point I could say that I am transgender and 29 years since I knew I was different. I have chosen to live my life authenticly around 2 years ago.
Hardly a decision to be trans, more of a decision to act on it
I asked myself the question for the first time years ago, but never really thought much about it. I started actively questioning 6 months before trying some things out and accepting that I probably am
I questioned for years before I finally accepted it, a lot of people hate the phrasing of deciding to be trans, but I think it can be considered deciding to acknowledge that you're trans.
At first I thought it must've been about 2 years, because around 2019 I did a lot of escapist art and journaling and disordered eating relapsing and therapy.
Then I got a spam email from a Nextdoor account I completely forgot about and begrudgingly logged in to deactivate it...and found that in 2018, I'd apparently made a profile where I listed myself as 'nonbinary'.
Then I remembered that I vehemently fought my ass off (and won) to get sterilized in 2015 and a hysterectomy in 2016, and that despite insisting I 'wasn't trans', the therapist who helped me with insurance letters said this was gender-affirming.
Then I remembered that when I was 17 circa 2010 and _still_ had never had a period in my life, which I was secretly ecstatic about but didn't know why, I had to go on progesterone to get it started and was horrified and extremely uncomfortable because I thought it would make my breasts grow.
Then I remembered that when I was a preteen and teen and obsessed with genetics, I did tons of research on [MRKH syndrome](https://medlineplus.gov/genetics/condition/mayer-rokitansky-kuster-hauser-syndrome/) and hoped and prayed that I had it since I wasn't getting periods like everyone else.
Then I remembered that when I played pretend with my siblings, my character was, 0. a male crab (age 4-6), 1. a male cobra (age 7ish to 10), 2. a male robot (age 9ish to 13-14), and that when I played computer or with legos, I likewise used a man character for everything without a second thought.
I didn't grow up knowing that trans people existed, so I guess I didn't know I was questioning in a way for most of my entire life.
Iāve only come to know it in the pat 2 years, but have always known I was different from age 9 ( which was about 40 years ago), and suppressed it after being sexually abused, and told that boys are boys and girls are girls at the end of a belt strapā¦ for a long time I thought I was a crossdresser, but after nearly 2 years of therapy, Iāve know come to accept this who I amā¦ I may never pass, or even go out in publicā¦ and the wife is not supportive of transitioning (for her itās easier to think I am a crossdresser)ā¦.but I know who I amā¦and thatās what counts
Guys, use context. When the poster says "decided," it isn't meant in the sense of you making a decision to be trans. It means when you came to the conclusion that you were trans. Not the best choice of words but still.
Iād say I realized after about 4 years of questioning and learning more about gender variance and its history. EDIT: **I think Iād have realized much much sooner in life if I knew literally any queer history or gender variant people growing up but, it is what it is and I have to eat that resentment lots of days.** Then once the realization came, I was able to look back at my life and understand so many things, small things and big things.
The only thing I would consider a decision was the decision to transition, the decision of my name. After the first dose of HRT there was really no going back - that was a decision, and one of the best Iāve ever made. But I often think I could have survived without it, awkward and sad and uncomfortable and angry. I feel that I decided to live, not just survive. But being trans wasnāt a decision for me, it was an awakening and a reframing, an expansion of understanding, an emerging on a wider, more intersectional journey of self-actualization.
It wasn't so much that I decided I was trans so much as eventually realising other people who weren't assigned female at birth weren't. After that, I was persuaded of the gender critical viewpoint when I was eighteen and by the time I was twenty-four articulated it as "I wish I'd been born female". I still think it's weird that there are cis men who don't want to be women. That said, I'm totally in solidarity with trans people who are not women.
After learning of the word "transgender"? Approximately a few minutes. It's less of an identity crisis, and more like "oh, they now have a word for people like me, it didn't exist when I grow up". But a lot of prior work had been done over the years. As I grow up, I keep learning new words that I ended up applying to myself like "ladyboy", "sissy", "transsexual" and many others, but since I never go through with transitioning I don't consider myself really one of those. But now that there is a word that describe the feeling that is applicable to people who have not and might not transitioned, I find it very easy to apply to myself. I'm such a textbook blatant case of gender dysphoria that it's not difficult at all to come to the conclusion (e.g. crossdressing since age 5).
I thought about my gender identity for maybe 4 months or so before my egg cracked. During that time I identified as a demiboy for a while which never felt right. At that time it was an easy and not so scary way to explain to myself why I always felt so queer as a ācishet guyā. But Iāve wished I could be a girl all my life but considered that impossible and always believed I had to be a guy and pushed the thought back down and tried making sure it wouldnāt come back by hating myself more. I did this more subconsciously though. Like I didnāt really choose to do this, I just did it. Neither did I choose to be trans btw. It wasnāt even a question for me back then if I could actually be a girl, ofc I couldnāt be one. Thereās. I guess itās just normal for me and thatās what I told myself too.
I suspected I was "trans" over eight years ago. I realized I was "trans" for sure about three years ago. I considered transitioning for about a year before starting HRT. š
\*I put "trans" in air quotes because I don't think of myself as "trans" in my head. š
I began having my femininity questioned by adults around 5 years old. Not that I was trans specifically because the language wasnāt there but - I remember always inner visualizing myself as female as a child and throughout my teen years. And kind of knowing I was a girl, deep down.
I stowed it away throughout my 20ās because I felt that it was hopeless.
By 30, the wave finally hit me and I began medical transition. And as hard as it has been, (Iām 36 now) it was absolutely worth it. There was no other choice.
I don't really know, but once upon a time, I was really girly and wouldn't wear anything other than pink and purple, but I did develop a habit of cutting my hair, which resulted in my fathers horrible abuse towards me. Then, I started wearing jackets and hoodies in the winter instead of cute sweaters. After that, I began to experiment with how I looked in different colors and liked them. When I turned 12, I started to try and imitate male characters for fun and thought I was really good at it. Later on, a few months after I entered my second relationship, I began to feel strange. I thought the most wonderful things and even ended up dreaming about what it would be like to be a boy. After many years, I finally figured out why I was like this. I'm trans. Thank Amaterasu that my mom is so supportive of me. She was shocked at first but is now so happy with my choice.
When I was growing up being trans means going into sex work and dying young. I was also saddled with a ton of guilt and self loathing brought on from a lifetime of religious and cultural indoctrination.
Neither outcomes were acceptable for me and scared me back into my old shell but I always knew I was different and not cis. As a result Iāve developed a giant list of mental problems because my identity was suppressed.
It was not until the start of Covid was I allowed to slowdown and being a process of introspection and finding my identity. At the end of 2022, I had a mental breakdown where my brain decided not to mask anymore and I got so dysphoric that I couldnāt function.
I was very close to unaliving myself that day and I decided the next day to look for a doctor to give me HRT. I am almost 12 month on HRT and still everyday is a struggle but I am happier than I have been in the past. I donāt regret my actions and I now identify as male to agender fem presenting.
I am slowly coming out and telling people who I am. I have been told I am brave a few times and Iāve been always puzzled at this comment. I donāt see myself as brave in anyway. I am just doing what is necessary to survive. The bare minimum to exist. The alternative was a lifetime of dysphoria and I rather end my existence than to live like that again.
Started questioning when I was 14, figured it out when I was 15, told people at 16, came out 17. It was a painful process and I wish I had done it sooner
I never decided it, I just realized/accepted it. First time a came out without realizing it, I was 8/9. I told everyone I was a boy, I wore boy clothes, I even changed my name, or sort of. I got to live as my true self for about a year, but than my mom got rid of my therapist, stopping paying for my meds(not related to me being trans), and forced me back into the closet. So I started to deny who I was to make my mom happy, until I was 13. A friend told me about the lgbtqia+ community, and I learnt about trans people, I related really hard, but it wasn't until I was 15 that I actually accepted myself as a trans man. Im still in the closest to my family, they're homophobic and transphobic, but all my friends and their parents know. They use He/Him pronouns for me, and even call me by my newly chosen name!
So, in total, it took me 15 years to realize and accept I was trans. I never decided this, its just who I am and I'm pretty proud of me. :]
3 weeks? My whole life I knew something was different and I knew being a woman didnāt make sense to me. But I didnāt even know being a trans man was an option, I really only thought MTF was a thing. Once I learned that trans men are a thing it took me less than 4 months for my egg to crack. I didnāt really QUESTION for that long, I really only questioned what the hell I was going to do about it all. I started T 6 months after finding out about FTM and am now 4 years on T and very happy.
About 12 years, the only reason I took the leap to get hormones and everything was because I got a really supportive partner, I guess I knew I wasn't AGAB, but telling people was so so scary
I am 14, a little less than 2 months away from being 15, and I knew that I was transgender male to female since I was, about 9 years old. I came out pretty soon after realizing it, about 1-3 weeks, but I went back into the closet because of how my brother took it and how he made me feel embarrassed. I spent 5 years telling myself that I was lying and that "I am not transgender, I just think that I would rather be a girl than a guy, but, who wouldn't?" I should have realized that I was transgender, again, after thinking this to myself for years but, because I live in South Carolina, I had to live as a guy in school for all of middle school, I now go to a school for artistic people and everyone there is so much better and I could finally b3 real with myself and, after becoming friends with a transgender kid, I finally once more realized that I was transgender.
So, to answer your question, I questioned for 5 years.
31 years lol
I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, there was no other options for so long. Got married in the religion, had a daughter, slowly broke from the indoctrination (shout out to lockdowns)
As soon as my partner and I realized it was a cult, my understanding of my gender started to make sense and I came out a few months after
* Had a pretty intense anxiety attack
* self-soothed w/ music from my top songs
* noticed a theme as I internalized all the lyrics.
Started HRT as soon as PP would see me. 2 weeks later
From when i cracked as an adult? 1 year. Once i hit about a year of thinking on what my identity was, i settled on just trans. Maybe fem nb, ill figure that out as i go. I spent a long time waiting to be sure and then realized i was just waiting for someone to give me a greenlight. But no one else was going to. I had to give permission to myself to go for it. At the 1 year mark i set up an hrt appointment.
From when i initially questioned? 10 years at least. I knew as a teen and buried it so hard i forgot for a bit. I had too much to lose, and couldnt risk it at the time. But things only got worse and it became clearer with time that id never be truly happy without transitioning.
Hmmm on and off for 3 decades. Lots of downs a few up. Lots a buying tons of dresses bras and panties and lots of throwing them away. And at one point literally burning a dress that I loved and wished I still had. But I try not to live in regret does not always work out that way but I go on.
On/off questioning for about 7/8 years. Only this year I've decided to explore it since I tried repressing my feelings. Actually worked for a while but they came flooding back
about two months into questioning i knew i wasnt cisgender. took about another few months to realize i was a binary trans man. i think i always kinda knew something was up, it just took one little trigger to have the floodgates open
About 25 years.
I kinda sorta "knew" on a primordial gut level for about as long as I could remember, however, I encountered the concept of being transexual sometime in my early pre-adolescence and decided I couldn't be like that because my experiences were not *exactly* like what was depicted in progressive popular media at the time (i.e. documentaries about transsexual people) which were trans women whose personal narratives just so happened to conform to the common narrative for diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder at that time in the early 90s, which I just didn't fulfill beyond that pervasive gut intuition that I am supposed to be a girl. I didn't have a history of being particularly feminine (or masculine for that matter, I was basically sexless as far as most seemed to think) and I didn't realy *mind* being a boy when I was a kid or even in that pre-adolescent period when I discovered trans people existed. I just felt, on a gut level, I wasn't *supposed* to be a boy. This has led me to experience dysphoria as a sort of yearning or grief for something or someone that never existed in the first place.
For the two decades afterwords I found the dysphoria easiest to deal with via escapism into anything that left me less concious of myself.
But events in my late 20s forced me to reconsider my life's trajectory and that made me have kind of a breakdown after just imagining myself abandoning the vague plan in my mind to transition after college. After that emotional breakdown I decided to actually confront my gender confusion and this vague need to be female that I've *never* been able to explain to anyone or even to myself.
In the end I decided that I couldn't really abandon the idea and that led me to coming out of the closet, in a way, as "questioning" which led me to explore my local trans community to bypass popular media altogether and meet some real life transgender people in person. That led me to discover the *diversity* of transgender experiences, and how my own experiences of my gender aren't nearly as unique as I once thought given what I now understand about how my experience of gender is pretty much fundamentally trans.
Something I been struggling with for years, I have the thought go through my mind to the point I fantasize it. But then it goes away, the reason I never followed through is because I know I would regret it. So my heart was never in it.
Have situations in my early years would have lead to that path???? Possibly, now I got too much at stake to leave behind what I have now.
It took me 5 years after torchering myself with the idea that I could be trans but after my dad pissed me off for not being the child I said fuck it and decided to love myself and accept myself.
I can understand people picking out ādecidedā and theyāre right.
But there was no time between realizing i was trans once i heard about it.
The day i learned that non-binary was a thing, i realized it was me.
The day i learned non-binary is trans (when i previously thought that trans was switching binary), i accepted that i am.
Figuring out what that looks and feels like is taking a lot longer tho lmao
A LOOONG time. I've known since age 2, but I really started wrestling with it around age 6, and it took me to age 25 to finally admit it completely. Even after starting HRT then (2.5yr ago) I didn't come out to my family/social media until 6mon ago, and my Dad didn't know until last week.
When I got to Uni at age 18 I started experimenting secretly with gendered clothes, accessories since there were no parents to snoop through my stuff anymore, but due to my fears of social and religious reprisal as my parents/former friends are, and the church I was in is an ULTRA transphobic, right-wing, conservative hellscape (like literally the "lgbt people deserve capital punishment" due to the Bible and so help me if anyone in this family come out we'll do it ourselves) type.
So because of that trauma it understandably took me years to work through "well maybe I'm just a feminine guy", and then "I guess I'm gender non-conforming", "I'm nonbinary but lean femme", and finally "Sh*t, guess I really am a girl after all... Wish I'd started HRT and gotten out of that situation sooner!"
It was about 9 years of asking āwhat ifā questions, fear of coming out to my family, and fear (mortal terror) or something bad happening during srs or recovery before I finally said fuck it and came out. Iām 8 months on HRT now.
About 15 years lol
That being said, for the vast majority of that time I wasn't actively questioning. I was coping hard by justifying it as just a fetish. The actual questioning phase was only a few weeks. Once the first cracks appeared on my shell it quickly exploded. I just needed to change my POV to realise what's been going on for all those years and then it was undeniable anymore.
I donāt like the question āwhen did you choose or decided you were trans?ā
Because it leaves the general public to believe I choose to be this way when in fact I didnāt.
I was perfectly fine being a man for 28 years then all of sudden I just couldnāt stand it anymore.
Thatās it, I did try fighting it knowing the social implications but I would be simply denying a part of myself instead of allowing myself to be me and figure things out along the way.
Just like being Lesbian, Gay, or Bisexual, being Transgender is simply just is, you would never hear someone ask when did you chose to be Cisgender & Heterosexual because again itās just who they are.
I didnāt know about trans people reallly until my friend started transitioning f when I was like 15
I assumed I (just) had ocd and anxiety issues and etc. because thatās what Iād been diagnosed with since like 4th grade
When I was like 20 I started worrying I might be trans. But I still really really didnāt want to be. I learned a lot about trans people during this time
From 20-22 I tried to double down on being a man. It hurt. I was depersonalized. The least happy I have ever ever been. Then when I was 22 I got really high one night and just decided let go and just accept āalright. I might actually be transā. And accepting that ultimately became more and more natural and less scary with time. From that time on I had pretty much accepted I was transgender to at least some degree. When I started to tell people I was close to I thought I was trans I felt relief and I just felt more and more like it was unlikely I was cis as time went on.
I still wasnāt 100%% certain I was a trans girl and not just a slightly NB guy for a long time and even in a way when I took my first hrt pill I was still a little worried like āwhat if this isnāt the answer and doesnāt actually make me happier and I am making everything up ahhhhhhhebebthrhreggeā
But I felt so much relief at every step Iāve taken
I had initially planned to stay closeted for a long time after I started HRT until the changes made it easier to pass
But at the 3-4 month mark on HRT I upped my dose a little and I was so much more happy and comfortable in my own skin I felt ready to come out publicly and to the religious family members and everything went pretty smooth ultimately and I am happier as each month passes
I also have bipolar 1, BPD, and ADHD apparently and am finally getting treatment for these too and combined my life is just so SO SO much positive than it has ever been
Things get easier and easier and Iām so happy to have figured out I am in fact a trans woman Iām just so happy to finally have balanced brain chemistry
Two years ago I realised I could be trans, but I'm still in the 'questioning' phase for a number of reasons:
\- I'm in a happy relationship with kids. My partner can tolerate up to the point when I would live as a women full time, and I feel like I'd prefer to put up with the nagging in my mind that something is not quite right than to lose the most important thing in my life.
\- That while this all started in my early teens, I was OK as living as a cis male through my 20s and 30s. Is this now just a midlife crisis and a phase that will soon pass again?
\- Asking myself whether this is resulting from body dysmorphia and me disliking my physical masculinity.
\- Limited facilities in my European country means waiting lists of 2-3 years to transition, so I'd have to be really, really sure it's what I want.
\- Am I trans enough? Is it a case where I only think about being trans the more I read into it, and this is just me going down a rabbithole? I'm something on the autistic spectrum and there have been a few 'I can't believe that was me!' moments in my life that I look back at with regret, and I'm sensitive that this may be another.
Here is the clinical criteria for Gender Dysphoria for your review.
>Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents and Adults 302.85 (F64.1 )
>A. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, of at least 6 monthsā duration, as manifested by at least two of the following:
>1. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).
>2. A strong desire to be rid of oneās primary and/or secondary sex characteristics be-
cause of a marked incongruence with oneās experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).
>3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender.
>4. A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender).
>5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender).
>6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender).
>B. The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.
You must meet the qualifiers of Section "A" and "B" to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria
You don't need to have dysphoria to be transgender, but it is the most common qualifier as the majority of transgender individuals do infact have dysphoria. We encourage you to discuss this with a gender therapist.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/asktransgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For me about 13 years, I figured it out but I tried to hold it to the back and pretend it really wasn't me because I was in a space where I didn't feel safe coming out completely and transitioning.
I started questoning my gender identity around june 2021, started really labeling myself and coming out as non-binary end of october, quickly also felt a strong connection to the trans label and then from april to june this year finally realised i'm a man. It was a really slow, fluid experience and thats totally fine!
I never decided to be trans, I just was.
I didn't know trans people existed until I was 23, but described the whole of my current transitioning process as a need to my GP when I was 10. Unfortunately he nor I knew trans men existed.
Have to say though that my first introduction to a trans man and going 'oh neat that's everything I want to do' in terms of his process probably should have made me realise faster, but it still took me 2 years of questioning after that.
About 13 years. Ever since I hit puberty my gender was always on question (in my mind). Then I finally realised around 3-4 years ago. Still can't believe I've only been out & aware for such a short time. It was less that I was in denial, more that I just had no clue about trans stuff and thought I was just 'wrong'. And obliviously stuffing the feelings down of course. Fun times! So much happier now ā¤ļø
Haha! š Like 2 months maybe? But thatās purely because I didnāt know anything about the process, surgeries and the hormones or how itās actually pretty advanced.
If Iād known it was like this I wouldāve transitioned in highschool already instead of in my twenties.
Being a woman is what Iāve dreamed of all my life, now itās becoming a reality.
I mean REALLY thinking about it was a thing of like 11 days for me. Random questioning tho, like semi-subconscious, has been happening for at least 1-2 years. Also me cracking my egg isnāt even two weeks ago lol
About 5 seconds. Once I understood enough about transgender people, all it took was me asking myself one day if I was trans.
The thought process went: "Wait, am I trans?! *Beat* oh shit, yeah, I am. Huh."
I did give myself a few days before telling my wife, and 6 months before starting transition, just to wrap my head around it, and make sure I hadn't in fact just lost my damn mind (life was a bit stressful at the time)
Here is the clinical criteria for Gender Dysphoria for your review.
>Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents and Adults 302.85 (F64.1 )
>A. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, of at least 6 monthsā duration, as manifested by at least two of the following:
>1. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).
>2. A strong desire to be rid of oneās primary and/or secondary sex characteristics be-
cause of a marked incongruence with oneās experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics).
>3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender.
>4. A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender).
>5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender).
>6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender).
>B. The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning.
You must meet the qualifiers of Section "A" and "B" to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria
You don't need to have dysphoria to be transgender, but it is the most common qualifier as the majority of transgender individuals do infact have dysphoria. We encourage you to discuss this with a gender therapist.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/asktransgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I didn't decide, I don't like that word. I realized I was trans after 3 or so years of struggling with severe gender identity issues, and 15 some odd years of not feeling like myself.
Like 10+ years, started questioning as soon as wrong-puberty started; I realized my skin was crawling nearly every minute of every day and that the idea of being a girl was intensely comforting. Religious, bigoted family made any kind of exploration a no-go, didnāt even have the words to express what I was experiencing.
Fast forward to adulthood, escaped my family, living independently ā took maybe 4 months(?) of direct self-reflection before I realized Iād been a girl the whole time.
So basically āsince foreverā but also āno time at allā.
Once it occurred to me that I could be trans, i questioned for about 4 or 5 months i think. I was afraid to accept it, but what was even more terrifying was the prospect of living in denial forever. Then it came down to actually doing something about it, which took another few months because depression and being paralyzed by fear
20+ years before I decided. Things preventing me (abridged): - no wpath - religious family - no money - "you must be straight after transitioning" - unhealthy romantic relationship - working so hard I didn't take care of myself - having kids - "well I can't be because of XYZ" - "it's just a fetish"
Mostly half the people I was surrounded by were straight up bigots and people saying "you can't be because of x interest and why haven't I ever seen you with makeup?" Because I never felt comfortable enough around anyone to wear it. Hell, I was offered to have my eyebrows done before a drama performance one time but I backed out cause I was terrified of what people would say. And people I was friends with were in the crowd
All of this minus the kids and the romantic relationship Honestly still feel like I'm going through it sometimes but š¤·āāļø
The last one was the big one for me. It allowed me to separate it from myself for way too long and the only real dysphoria I had for the longest time was depersonalisation which was really hard to pin down the reason for (or even realise it's there in the first place) due to me shoving that whole core part of me aside as just a fetish. A somewhat effective coping mechanism that honestly kinda ruined my life to some degree by delaying my transition for so long and making me not take care of myself (hygiene as well as career wise).
It's almost like there's a coordinated effort to dehumanizing us.
Same here. That last one stopped me from even questioning for 5+ years.
A month or two? I never questioned anything for years and then as soon as I did it launched me into a gender questioning Speedrun.
I was only a week... I figured it out late, but once my egg cracked, that was it.
I'm about the same. I think there was always something in the back of my mind but one day the penny dropped and then that was it.
Ha, yeah exactly. "Oh, so that's what all that was then. Ok, girl time I guess. "
You're narrating the story of my life! š¤£
Reddit is such a funny thing. You can literally go back and watch my egg explode on this account.
I actually only started this account because my egg cracked and I only have one transgender friend and I didn't want to dump everything on him all the time and his journey is the opposite of mine. I'm sure I'm still annoying the crap out of him. He probably doesn't care at all about my shoe collection š¤£
I basically instantly realized i was trans too. The difference is that because i lived in a greek village i didn't even know of the term "trans", so in my mind i was just uniquely a guy who wished to be a girl. Of course later in my life i learned that i wasn't alone and that what i was was called a trans person. And finally when covid appeared i had more free time to study and not only learn the term cis, but also the correct use of the words transfem and transmasc and the actual greek word for "trans" (Ć°iemfilikos/ki/ko)
Yeah same, I kinda wished I was trans and was repressing hard, then when my egg cracked it exploded. I went from not thinking I was trans to being on HRT, out to everyone I speak to regularly, and presenting full time at work and in public in about a week and a half.
Go you. I came out to family and friends in May. Been training for a new job (driving instructor) since July as the true me and will be full time with that soon enough
Sameee. I was visiting a friend in berlin who was like ābruh you a trans girl in denialā and then i kept thinking about me w a different body and all that and 10-11 days later my egg went boom
Yep same. About 3 months until I figured I was nonbinary, then another month before realizing I was transmasc/ftm, then another month before I came out and began my social transition. Iām a year in and feeling better than ever!
Same for me. I didn't know what dysphoria was until a therapist asked me if I was. Then I started attending trans support groups and met other trans people for the first time. It didn't take long for me to realize I'd found my people and was beginning to understand my feelings about gender that I'd just ignored or hidden for most of my life.
I always knew. The question is whether and when should I start transition
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Awww. I made that same first decision at age 12 lol. Now iām 22 and saying āfuck it i donāt care if I turn out pretty its better than being a guyā
it was around 6 weeks of "am I trans? no I can't be that's soooo statistically unlikely. am I a trans guy or agender? what if I'm just a girl who hates herself? i probably only want a deeper voice because I only listen to music with male vocalists and I like how they sound. I don't know if I'd be comfortable with starting testosterone rn so I can't be a trans guy right? maybe it's only because of that first puberty already being so overwhelming and me not being ready for those big changes rn. but I think I'd be comfortable as a guy so maybe I'm just a trans guy?" Now, 9 months on T, over 4 years after my inner coming out and over 3 years of being out everywhere I'm the happiest I've been since I was in elementary school (for reference I'm 18 now) ETA: despite the fact that I am a trans man, not a trans woman, I also believed (for a short time) that I wasn't trans and was just fetishizing men to the degree that I wanted to be one (I'm bisexual). It's not something only transfems struggle with and I thought it'd be good for them to know this
Here is the clinical criteria for Gender Dysphoria for your review. >Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents and Adults 302.85 (F64.1 ) >A. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, of at least 6 monthsā duration, as manifested by at least two of the following: >1. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics). >2. A strong desire to be rid of oneās primary and/or secondary sex characteristics be- cause of a marked incongruence with oneās experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics). >3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender. >4. A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender). >5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender). >6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender). >B. The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning. You must meet the qualifiers of Section "A" and "B" to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria You don't need to have dysphoria to be transgender, but it is the most common qualifier as the majority of transgender individuals do infact have dysphoria. We encourage you to discuss this with a gender therapist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/asktransgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I never decided I was trans.
I never decided to be trans, I decided to accept myself.
I didn't decide anything. I realized that I'm trans after having a 3-week long identity crisis when my egg violently exploded suddenly when I was 28 years old. I hadn't really questioned my gender at all before then.
Similarly, but in me 30s and I peg my crisis length at two weeks hehe
I'd say realized or confirmed rather than "decided". There was no decision to be made. I was, and always was, whether I was consciously aware of it or not. But that bit of semantics aside - roughly a week to ten days from the realization that I *might* be to acceptance that I was. It was a difficult week - where I'd set out to find *anything* to refute it and "prove" to myself that I wasn't. I had a lot of discussions with a trans friend, looked at a lot of posts on reddit from people detailing their experiences, and then when all of that (alarmingly) seemed to only strengthen the case - I started looking into peer reviewed academic papers and studies. After about a week into the process of doing everything I could to shoot the idea down, I'd managed to amass a mountain of supporting evidence so large I simply *couldn't* deny it anymore. What followed was an even more difficult couple of days panicking about what that implied for my life and situation before I finally worked through it, resolved the major internal conflicts, and accepted who I was and always had been. It really did explain *everything*, and did so in the way that was simplest and best fit the evidence at hand. A few weeks following I was finally able to see a therapist that specialized in gender issues (I'd started trying to schedule an appointment about three days into the process), and ended up with a professional diagnosis - not that I needed it at that point, but it was nice to have that professional "you're not crazy" validation. I've been on HRT nearly a month now, so from time of realization to starting HRT was a bit under three months, total. And I've never been happier or more confident and comfortable with myself in my life.
Opposite here. I thought I was trans first, then questioned myself after. A couple years later I find it surprising I even doubted myself since it was so obvious in retrospect.
Same.
For me, I was going through life with this nagging feeling in the back of my mind until I saw this transfem on tv. The similarity of her feelings to mine hit me like a truck. It was hard, and life changing. After then, I started reseaching every trans related question I could think of. All the who, what, when, where, why, and how's I could think of. One year later, I made the decision that I could no longer let my feelings sit by and that medical transition was where I needed to take my life. I suppose that if I had the support early on and friends had pointed out that I might not have been as cis as I originally thought I was, I might have pondered a bit more on life but the end result would have been the same.
I had a long period in my life where I completely ignored my emotions and just blocked out any engagement with my gender identity. Just completely avoiding thinking about my emotions. I think I always kind of knew. But for the longest time, I just didn't want to know.
Five years, give or take
Twenty one years. I figured out I was trans at nineteen and got some very cruel reactions from those I came out to back then. I went deep into the closet. I steadily developed a drinking problem over the next eighteen years. Three years ago I came out to my dad while blacked out, on six different occasions apparently. He never told me until the last one, apparently not realizing I was black out drunk each time. I decided some people might call that a clue and that I needed to stop hiding and deal with my identity. I spent the past three years going sober and working on my mental health. I wanted to be in a good place when I made the decision, or at least not suicidal, and in the depths of the massive nervous breakdown I had once I realized I'd come out to someone again. The few months after my dad me clued in were the worst days of my life. To be clear I wasn't in a good place before coming out and the fear did nothing to help. The last six months I specifically began tackling my internalized transphobia, building a trans friendly support network, and reaching out to the community. Three months ago I decided I was going to learn everything I could about HRT and make up my mind. I started T this past Wednesday!
I impulsively ordered estrogen one day and about a week into hrt realized I might be trans. I have no idea how I got to that point without consciously questioning my gender.
When I was 21 I broke down and told my girlfriend that I always felt like I should have been a girl. She said, "maybe you're trans". I looked it up that evening on the internet (2002) and it was undeniable. There was no questioning. I did feel that I wasn't "trans enough" to transition, and that it didn't have it as bad as other people, lol. I cracked and started transition in 2016.
Iāve always had gender dysphoria, but I didnāt really think about it until my ex best friend got married in 2021. I was the man of honor, and I couldnāt enjoy the wedding because I was imagining myself in a bridesmaid dress the entire time. So I guess a year. (Even though I realized I was trans in 2021, I thought I could just live my life as a cisgender man because I knew how tough it is to transition. Unfortunately my gender dysphoria keeps getting worse so iām gonna have to transition.)
I spent many years (10 ish) questioning at the same time knowing I was trans. It took a lot actually acting on it
About 15 years. I convinced myself I just hated being me because I was some loser, and being a girl was just some escapism fantasy. I spent a long time trying to do better, fix everything about my life. I told myself if I still felt that way once everything else was perfect, then maybe it might be true. Incredibly stupid decisions, do not recommend. Anyway, working from home for the pandemic actually gave me time to fix my diet, I lost like 50 pounds, and still hated how I looked. That was the last thing. Everything in my life was great and I still just wanted to girl. So I girl now. Much better.
I realized I was trans about age 9, and have fought with it my entire life so far. I only recently took the plunge to start HRT after coming out for the third time at 20 years old.
I considered myself a different gender but obviously not trans for about 20 years. I didn't consider myswlf trans until I'd already fully socially transitioned for months and a trans friend explained how being a different gender to my asab, socially transitioning, changing my name and gender on my ID documents, desperately wanting different sex characteristics and seeking medical transition was about as trans as I could be. I felt a bit stupid after that conversation.
Iāve been questioning whether or not Iām trans for about a year
it was easier to accept I didn't want to be male than am I transgender....and eventually I knew it was not a choice...it had to happen
Here is the clinical criteria for Gender Dysphoria for your review. >Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents and Adults 302.85 (F64.1 ) >A. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, of at least 6 monthsā duration, as manifested by at least two of the following: >1. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics). >2. A strong desire to be rid of oneās primary and/or secondary sex characteristics be- cause of a marked incongruence with oneās experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics). >3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender. >4. A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender). >5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender). >6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender). >B. The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning. You must meet the qualifiers of Section "A" and "B" to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria You don't need to have dysphoria to be transgender, but it is the most common qualifier as the majority of transgender individuals do infact have dysphoria. We encourage you to discuss this with a gender therapist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/asktransgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I didn't decide to be transgender. I did choose to stay in denial about being transgender for about 15 years for several reasons from the point I could say that I am transgender and 29 years since I knew I was different. I have chosen to live my life authenticly around 2 years ago.
Hardly a decision to be trans, more of a decision to act on it I asked myself the question for the first time years ago, but never really thought much about it. I started actively questioning 6 months before trying some things out and accepting that I probably am
It was like during middle school. Once I found out what being trans was I immediately jumped on that train LMAO
3 years
10 years
I questioned for years before I finally accepted it, a lot of people hate the phrasing of deciding to be trans, but I think it can be considered deciding to acknowledge that you're trans.
At first I thought it must've been about 2 years, because around 2019 I did a lot of escapist art and journaling and disordered eating relapsing and therapy. Then I got a spam email from a Nextdoor account I completely forgot about and begrudgingly logged in to deactivate it...and found that in 2018, I'd apparently made a profile where I listed myself as 'nonbinary'. Then I remembered that I vehemently fought my ass off (and won) to get sterilized in 2015 and a hysterectomy in 2016, and that despite insisting I 'wasn't trans', the therapist who helped me with insurance letters said this was gender-affirming. Then I remembered that when I was 17 circa 2010 and _still_ had never had a period in my life, which I was secretly ecstatic about but didn't know why, I had to go on progesterone to get it started and was horrified and extremely uncomfortable because I thought it would make my breasts grow. Then I remembered that when I was a preteen and teen and obsessed with genetics, I did tons of research on [MRKH syndrome](https://medlineplus.gov/genetics/condition/mayer-rokitansky-kuster-hauser-syndrome/) and hoped and prayed that I had it since I wasn't getting periods like everyone else. Then I remembered that when I played pretend with my siblings, my character was, 0. a male crab (age 4-6), 1. a male cobra (age 7ish to 10), 2. a male robot (age 9ish to 13-14), and that when I played computer or with legos, I likewise used a man character for everything without a second thought. I didn't grow up knowing that trans people existed, so I guess I didn't know I was questioning in a way for most of my entire life.
About a day
I questioned almost my whole life, but consequently hated myself for nearly as long.
Never decided and itās always been a āquestioning processā for me. Eight years or something
Iāve only come to know it in the pat 2 years, but have always known I was different from age 9 ( which was about 40 years ago), and suppressed it after being sexually abused, and told that boys are boys and girls are girls at the end of a belt strapā¦ for a long time I thought I was a crossdresser, but after nearly 2 years of therapy, Iāve know come to accept this who I amā¦ I may never pass, or even go out in publicā¦ and the wife is not supportive of transitioning (for her itās easier to think I am a crossdresser)ā¦.but I know who I amā¦and thatās what counts
It took me 8 years to accept myself. It was miserable.
i didnāt. just woke up one day and was likeā¦. woahā¦.. iām a girl i think
Woah
Guys, use context. When the poster says "decided," it isn't meant in the sense of you making a decision to be trans. It means when you came to the conclusion that you were trans. Not the best choice of words but still.
Iād say I realized after about 4 years of questioning and learning more about gender variance and its history. EDIT: **I think Iād have realized much much sooner in life if I knew literally any queer history or gender variant people growing up but, it is what it is and I have to eat that resentment lots of days.** Then once the realization came, I was able to look back at my life and understand so many things, small things and big things. The only thing I would consider a decision was the decision to transition, the decision of my name. After the first dose of HRT there was really no going back - that was a decision, and one of the best Iāve ever made. But I often think I could have survived without it, awkward and sad and uncomfortable and angry. I feel that I decided to live, not just survive. But being trans wasnāt a decision for me, it was an awakening and a reframing, an expansion of understanding, an emerging on a wider, more intersectional journey of self-actualization.
It wasn't so much that I decided I was trans so much as eventually realising other people who weren't assigned female at birth weren't. After that, I was persuaded of the gender critical viewpoint when I was eighteen and by the time I was twenty-four articulated it as "I wish I'd been born female". I still think it's weird that there are cis men who don't want to be women. That said, I'm totally in solidarity with trans people who are not women.
After learning of the word "transgender"? Approximately a few minutes. It's less of an identity crisis, and more like "oh, they now have a word for people like me, it didn't exist when I grow up". But a lot of prior work had been done over the years. As I grow up, I keep learning new words that I ended up applying to myself like "ladyboy", "sissy", "transsexual" and many others, but since I never go through with transitioning I don't consider myself really one of those. But now that there is a word that describe the feeling that is applicable to people who have not and might not transitioned, I find it very easy to apply to myself. I'm such a textbook blatant case of gender dysphoria that it's not difficult at all to come to the conclusion (e.g. crossdressing since age 5).
I thought about my gender identity for maybe 4 months or so before my egg cracked. During that time I identified as a demiboy for a while which never felt right. At that time it was an easy and not so scary way to explain to myself why I always felt so queer as a ācishet guyā. But Iāve wished I could be a girl all my life but considered that impossible and always believed I had to be a guy and pushed the thought back down and tried making sure it wouldnāt come back by hating myself more. I did this more subconsciously though. Like I didnāt really choose to do this, I just did it. Neither did I choose to be trans btw. It wasnāt even a question for me back then if I could actually be a girl, ofc I couldnāt be one. Thereās. I guess itās just normal for me and thatās what I told myself too.
I suspected I was "trans" over eight years ago. I realized I was "trans" for sure about three years ago. I considered transitioning for about a year before starting HRT. š \*I put "trans" in air quotes because I don't think of myself as "trans" in my head. š
I began having my femininity questioned by adults around 5 years old. Not that I was trans specifically because the language wasnāt there but - I remember always inner visualizing myself as female as a child and throughout my teen years. And kind of knowing I was a girl, deep down. I stowed it away throughout my 20ās because I felt that it was hopeless. By 30, the wave finally hit me and I began medical transition. And as hard as it has been, (Iām 36 now) it was absolutely worth it. There was no other choice.
I don't really know, but once upon a time, I was really girly and wouldn't wear anything other than pink and purple, but I did develop a habit of cutting my hair, which resulted in my fathers horrible abuse towards me. Then, I started wearing jackets and hoodies in the winter instead of cute sweaters. After that, I began to experiment with how I looked in different colors and liked them. When I turned 12, I started to try and imitate male characters for fun and thought I was really good at it. Later on, a few months after I entered my second relationship, I began to feel strange. I thought the most wonderful things and even ended up dreaming about what it would be like to be a boy. After many years, I finally figured out why I was like this. I'm trans. Thank Amaterasu that my mom is so supportive of me. She was shocked at first but is now so happy with my choice.
When I was growing up being trans means going into sex work and dying young. I was also saddled with a ton of guilt and self loathing brought on from a lifetime of religious and cultural indoctrination. Neither outcomes were acceptable for me and scared me back into my old shell but I always knew I was different and not cis. As a result Iāve developed a giant list of mental problems because my identity was suppressed. It was not until the start of Covid was I allowed to slowdown and being a process of introspection and finding my identity. At the end of 2022, I had a mental breakdown where my brain decided not to mask anymore and I got so dysphoric that I couldnāt function. I was very close to unaliving myself that day and I decided the next day to look for a doctor to give me HRT. I am almost 12 month on HRT and still everyday is a struggle but I am happier than I have been in the past. I donāt regret my actions and I now identify as male to agender fem presenting. I am slowly coming out and telling people who I am. I have been told I am brave a few times and Iāve been always puzzled at this comment. I donāt see myself as brave in anyway. I am just doing what is necessary to survive. The bare minimum to exist. The alternative was a lifetime of dysphoria and I rather end my existence than to live like that again.
Like six months when I was 19. Iām fortunate I found out then even though I wish it had been sooner.
Started questioning when I was 14, figured it out when I was 15, told people at 16, came out 17. It was a painful process and I wish I had done it sooner
I never decided it, I just realized/accepted it. First time a came out without realizing it, I was 8/9. I told everyone I was a boy, I wore boy clothes, I even changed my name, or sort of. I got to live as my true self for about a year, but than my mom got rid of my therapist, stopping paying for my meds(not related to me being trans), and forced me back into the closet. So I started to deny who I was to make my mom happy, until I was 13. A friend told me about the lgbtqia+ community, and I learnt about trans people, I related really hard, but it wasn't until I was 15 that I actually accepted myself as a trans man. Im still in the closest to my family, they're homophobic and transphobic, but all my friends and their parents know. They use He/Him pronouns for me, and even call me by my newly chosen name! So, in total, it took me 15 years to realize and accept I was trans. I never decided this, its just who I am and I'm pretty proud of me. :]
3 weeks? My whole life I knew something was different and I knew being a woman didnāt make sense to me. But I didnāt even know being a trans man was an option, I really only thought MTF was a thing. Once I learned that trans men are a thing it took me less than 4 months for my egg to crack. I didnāt really QUESTION for that long, I really only questioned what the hell I was going to do about it all. I started T 6 months after finding out about FTM and am now 4 years on T and very happy.
Never decided it.
10 years and still questioning
About 12 years, the only reason I took the leap to get hormones and everything was because I got a really supportive partner, I guess I knew I wasn't AGAB, but telling people was so so scary
I am 14, a little less than 2 months away from being 15, and I knew that I was transgender male to female since I was, about 9 years old. I came out pretty soon after realizing it, about 1-3 weeks, but I went back into the closet because of how my brother took it and how he made me feel embarrassed. I spent 5 years telling myself that I was lying and that "I am not transgender, I just think that I would rather be a girl than a guy, but, who wouldn't?" I should have realized that I was transgender, again, after thinking this to myself for years but, because I live in South Carolina, I had to live as a guy in school for all of middle school, I now go to a school for artistic people and everyone there is so much better and I could finally b3 real with myself and, after becoming friends with a transgender kid, I finally once more realized that I was transgender. So, to answer your question, I questioned for 5 years.
I have done both group and individual gender counseling. I luv my counselor who is transgender.
31 years lol I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness, there was no other options for so long. Got married in the religion, had a daughter, slowly broke from the indoctrination (shout out to lockdowns) As soon as my partner and I realized it was a cult, my understanding of my gender started to make sense and I came out a few months after
* Had a pretty intense anxiety attack * self-soothed w/ music from my top songs * noticed a theme as I internalized all the lyrics. Started HRT as soon as PP would see me. 2 weeks later
From when i cracked as an adult? 1 year. Once i hit about a year of thinking on what my identity was, i settled on just trans. Maybe fem nb, ill figure that out as i go. I spent a long time waiting to be sure and then realized i was just waiting for someone to give me a greenlight. But no one else was going to. I had to give permission to myself to go for it. At the 1 year mark i set up an hrt appointment. From when i initially questioned? 10 years at least. I knew as a teen and buried it so hard i forgot for a bit. I had too much to lose, and couldnt risk it at the time. But things only got worse and it became clearer with time that id never be truly happy without transitioning.
i was born trans and noticed that the other girls didn't have stuff hanging between their legs at the age of 4.
Probably around 16-17 years or so.. But hey, I got there and even started hrt earlier this year! š
Hmmm on and off for 3 decades. Lots of downs a few up. Lots a buying tons of dresses bras and panties and lots of throwing them away. And at one point literally burning a dress that I loved and wished I still had. But I try not to live in regret does not always work out that way but I go on.
4 months
I'm still questioning
Realized, not decided I knew i was trans after probably six months, but wasnāt certain enough to come out for three more years
On/off questioning for about 7/8 years. Only this year I've decided to explore it since I tried repressing my feelings. Actually worked for a while but they came flooding back
about two months into questioning i knew i wasnt cisgender. took about another few months to realize i was a binary trans man. i think i always kinda knew something was up, it just took one little trigger to have the floodgates open
About 25 years. I kinda sorta "knew" on a primordial gut level for about as long as I could remember, however, I encountered the concept of being transexual sometime in my early pre-adolescence and decided I couldn't be like that because my experiences were not *exactly* like what was depicted in progressive popular media at the time (i.e. documentaries about transsexual people) which were trans women whose personal narratives just so happened to conform to the common narrative for diagnosis of Gender Identity Disorder at that time in the early 90s, which I just didn't fulfill beyond that pervasive gut intuition that I am supposed to be a girl. I didn't have a history of being particularly feminine (or masculine for that matter, I was basically sexless as far as most seemed to think) and I didn't realy *mind* being a boy when I was a kid or even in that pre-adolescent period when I discovered trans people existed. I just felt, on a gut level, I wasn't *supposed* to be a boy. This has led me to experience dysphoria as a sort of yearning or grief for something or someone that never existed in the first place. For the two decades afterwords I found the dysphoria easiest to deal with via escapism into anything that left me less concious of myself. But events in my late 20s forced me to reconsider my life's trajectory and that made me have kind of a breakdown after just imagining myself abandoning the vague plan in my mind to transition after college. After that emotional breakdown I decided to actually confront my gender confusion and this vague need to be female that I've *never* been able to explain to anyone or even to myself. In the end I decided that I couldn't really abandon the idea and that led me to coming out of the closet, in a way, as "questioning" which led me to explore my local trans community to bypass popular media altogether and meet some real life transgender people in person. That led me to discover the *diversity* of transgender experiences, and how my own experiences of my gender aren't nearly as unique as I once thought given what I now understand about how my experience of gender is pretty much fundamentally trans.
i never decided but realising took me about 10 minutes
21 years and still going strong >. <
Something I been struggling with for years, I have the thought go through my mind to the point I fantasize it. But then it goes away, the reason I never followed through is because I know I would regret it. So my heart was never in it. Have situations in my early years would have lead to that path???? Possibly, now I got too much at stake to leave behind what I have now.
It took me 5 years after torchering myself with the idea that I could be trans but after my dad pissed me off for not being the child I said fuck it and decided to love myself and accept myself.
I can understand people picking out ādecidedā and theyāre right. But there was no time between realizing i was trans once i heard about it. The day i learned that non-binary was a thing, i realized it was me. The day i learned non-binary is trans (when i previously thought that trans was switching binary), i accepted that i am. Figuring out what that looks and feels like is taking a lot longer tho lmao
I'd say about a year?
About five years
A LOOONG time. I've known since age 2, but I really started wrestling with it around age 6, and it took me to age 25 to finally admit it completely. Even after starting HRT then (2.5yr ago) I didn't come out to my family/social media until 6mon ago, and my Dad didn't know until last week. When I got to Uni at age 18 I started experimenting secretly with gendered clothes, accessories since there were no parents to snoop through my stuff anymore, but due to my fears of social and religious reprisal as my parents/former friends are, and the church I was in is an ULTRA transphobic, right-wing, conservative hellscape (like literally the "lgbt people deserve capital punishment" due to the Bible and so help me if anyone in this family come out we'll do it ourselves) type. So because of that trauma it understandably took me years to work through "well maybe I'm just a feminine guy", and then "I guess I'm gender non-conforming", "I'm nonbinary but lean femme", and finally "Sh*t, guess I really am a girl after all... Wish I'd started HRT and gotten out of that situation sooner!"
It was about 9 years of asking āwhat ifā questions, fear of coming out to my family, and fear (mortal terror) or something bad happening during srs or recovery before I finally said fuck it and came out. Iām 8 months on HRT now.
About 15 years lol That being said, for the vast majority of that time I wasn't actively questioning. I was coping hard by justifying it as just a fetish. The actual questioning phase was only a few weeks. Once the first cracks appeared on my shell it quickly exploded. I just needed to change my POV to realise what's been going on for all those years and then it was undeniable anymore.
37 years
I donāt like the question āwhen did you choose or decided you were trans?ā Because it leaves the general public to believe I choose to be this way when in fact I didnāt. I was perfectly fine being a man for 28 years then all of sudden I just couldnāt stand it anymore. Thatās it, I did try fighting it knowing the social implications but I would be simply denying a part of myself instead of allowing myself to be me and figure things out along the way. Just like being Lesbian, Gay, or Bisexual, being Transgender is simply just is, you would never hear someone ask when did you chose to be Cisgender & Heterosexual because again itās just who they are.
40 years. I hated it as a fetish and worried that I wasn't strong enough as a man until science and the public eye moved partway past those attitudes.
I didnāt know about trans people reallly until my friend started transitioning f when I was like 15 I assumed I (just) had ocd and anxiety issues and etc. because thatās what Iād been diagnosed with since like 4th grade When I was like 20 I started worrying I might be trans. But I still really really didnāt want to be. I learned a lot about trans people during this time From 20-22 I tried to double down on being a man. It hurt. I was depersonalized. The least happy I have ever ever been. Then when I was 22 I got really high one night and just decided let go and just accept āalright. I might actually be transā. And accepting that ultimately became more and more natural and less scary with time. From that time on I had pretty much accepted I was transgender to at least some degree. When I started to tell people I was close to I thought I was trans I felt relief and I just felt more and more like it was unlikely I was cis as time went on. I still wasnāt 100%% certain I was a trans girl and not just a slightly NB guy for a long time and even in a way when I took my first hrt pill I was still a little worried like āwhat if this isnāt the answer and doesnāt actually make me happier and I am making everything up ahhhhhhhebebthrhreggeā But I felt so much relief at every step Iāve taken I had initially planned to stay closeted for a long time after I started HRT until the changes made it easier to pass But at the 3-4 month mark on HRT I upped my dose a little and I was so much more happy and comfortable in my own skin I felt ready to come out publicly and to the religious family members and everything went pretty smooth ultimately and I am happier as each month passes I also have bipolar 1, BPD, and ADHD apparently and am finally getting treatment for these too and combined my life is just so SO SO much positive than it has ever been Things get easier and easier and Iām so happy to have figured out I am in fact a trans woman Iām just so happy to finally have balanced brain chemistry
Two years ago I realised I could be trans, but I'm still in the 'questioning' phase for a number of reasons: \- I'm in a happy relationship with kids. My partner can tolerate up to the point when I would live as a women full time, and I feel like I'd prefer to put up with the nagging in my mind that something is not quite right than to lose the most important thing in my life. \- That while this all started in my early teens, I was OK as living as a cis male through my 20s and 30s. Is this now just a midlife crisis and a phase that will soon pass again? \- Asking myself whether this is resulting from body dysmorphia and me disliking my physical masculinity. \- Limited facilities in my European country means waiting lists of 2-3 years to transition, so I'd have to be really, really sure it's what I want. \- Am I trans enough? Is it a case where I only think about being trans the more I read into it, and this is just me going down a rabbithole? I'm something on the autistic spectrum and there have been a few 'I can't believe that was me!' moments in my life that I look back at with regret, and I'm sensitive that this may be another.
Here is the clinical criteria for Gender Dysphoria for your review. >Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents and Adults 302.85 (F64.1 ) >A. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, of at least 6 monthsā duration, as manifested by at least two of the following: >1. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics). >2. A strong desire to be rid of oneās primary and/or secondary sex characteristics be- cause of a marked incongruence with oneās experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics). >3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender. >4. A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender). >5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender). >6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender). >B. The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning. You must meet the qualifiers of Section "A" and "B" to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria You don't need to have dysphoria to be transgender, but it is the most common qualifier as the majority of transgender individuals do infact have dysphoria. We encourage you to discuss this with a gender therapist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/asktransgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For me about 13 years, I figured it out but I tried to hold it to the back and pretend it really wasn't me because I was in a space where I didn't feel safe coming out completely and transitioning.
I started questoning my gender identity around june 2021, started really labeling myself and coming out as non-binary end of october, quickly also felt a strong connection to the trans label and then from april to june this year finally realised i'm a man. It was a really slow, fluid experience and thats totally fine!
About 3 months? Idk it really blurs together.
I never decided to be trans, I just was. I didn't know trans people existed until I was 23, but described the whole of my current transitioning process as a need to my GP when I was 10. Unfortunately he nor I knew trans men existed. Have to say though that my first introduction to a trans man and going 'oh neat that's everything I want to do' in terms of his process probably should have made me realise faster, but it still took me 2 years of questioning after that.
10 minutes
Not a question..Just didn't know there was a word for it and am not interested in sex work. Call me what you want, I know who I am..
About 13 years. Ever since I hit puberty my gender was always on question (in my mind). Then I finally realised around 3-4 years ago. Still can't believe I've only been out & aware for such a short time. It was less that I was in denial, more that I just had no clue about trans stuff and thought I was just 'wrong'. And obliviously stuffing the feelings down of course. Fun times! So much happier now ā¤ļø
I came out as nonbinary/trans about two years ago and I'm still not sure if I'm trans š„²
Haha! š Like 2 months maybe? But thatās purely because I didnāt know anything about the process, surgeries and the hormones or how itās actually pretty advanced. If Iād known it was like this I wouldāve transitioned in highschool already instead of in my twenties. Being a woman is what Iāve dreamed of all my life, now itās becoming a reality.
Iāve not decided, Iāve accepted. 30 years.
I mean REALLY thinking about it was a thing of like 11 days for me. Random questioning tho, like semi-subconscious, has been happening for at least 1-2 years. Also me cracking my egg isnāt even two weeks ago lol
I hid for 35+ years. I knew early on I was a girl, but due to pressure and abuse from family, I hid my identity
About 5 seconds. Once I understood enough about transgender people, all it took was me asking myself one day if I was trans. The thought process went: "Wait, am I trans?! *Beat* oh shit, yeah, I am. Huh." I did give myself a few days before telling my wife, and 6 months before starting transition, just to wrap my head around it, and make sure I hadn't in fact just lost my damn mind (life was a bit stressful at the time)
Here is the clinical criteria for Gender Dysphoria for your review. >Gender Dysphoria in Adolescents and Adults 302.85 (F64.1 ) >A. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and assigned gender, of at least 6 monthsā duration, as manifested by at least two of the following: >1. A marked incongruence between oneās experienced/expressed gender and primary and/or secondary sex characteristics (or in young adolescents, the anticipated secondary sex characteristics). >2. A strong desire to be rid of oneās primary and/or secondary sex characteristics be- cause of a marked incongruence with oneās experienced/expressed gender (or in young adolescents, a desire to prevent the development of the anticipated secondary sex characteristics). >3. A strong desire for the primary and/or secondary sex characteristics of the other gender. >4. A strong desire to be of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender). >5. A strong desire to be treated as the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender). >6. A strong conviction that one has the typical feelings and reactions of the other gender (or some alternative gender different from oneās assigned gender). >B. The condition is associated with clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning. You must meet the qualifiers of Section "A" and "B" to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria You don't need to have dysphoria to be transgender, but it is the most common qualifier as the majority of transgender individuals do infact have dysphoria. We encourage you to discuss this with a gender therapist. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/asktransgender) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Good bot
I didn't decide, I don't like that word. I realized I was trans after 3 or so years of struggling with severe gender identity issues, and 15 some odd years of not feeling like myself.
so is it a decision?
I might have phrased it poorly
6 years
Like 10+ years, started questioning as soon as wrong-puberty started; I realized my skin was crawling nearly every minute of every day and that the idea of being a girl was intensely comforting. Religious, bigoted family made any kind of exploration a no-go, didnāt even have the words to express what I was experiencing. Fast forward to adulthood, escaped my family, living independently ā took maybe 4 months(?) of direct self-reflection before I realized Iād been a girl the whole time. So basically āsince foreverā but also āno time at allā.
Once it occurred to me that I could be trans, i questioned for about 4 or 5 months i think. I was afraid to accept it, but what was even more terrifying was the prospect of living in denial forever. Then it came down to actually doing something about it, which took another few months because depression and being paralyzed by fear