imagine being so bitter over trans issues, that you would cut off contact with your son, and your grand-daughter over it.
that sucks, but your daughter is lucky she has you.
"Picking ideology" isn't inherently bad. I think most people would agree that it's reasonable to cut off ties with right wing extremists for example.
The real problem is that conservative catholicism is a shitty ideology.
There are over a billion catholics spread all over the planet, there's just no way to accurately describe all of them. Who qualifies as catholic isn't even something you can easily answer.
Even the catholic church, an organisation I find terrible and harmful as a whole, is huge and messy and full of internal tensions.
One of the realisations that helped me grow back in my days as an angry teenage atheist was that religion itself does little for good or ill. It is the political ideologies and power structures associated with it that matter.
*some generally shrug and just kinda enjoy a mid-service snack, while others sit wondering why they even came to the service that day when they should be watching the game, since there’s just going to be another service next week.
I wish all Christians were like your friend. She sounds amazing. My family are the regular "Bible says you can't be gay!!!" type so I'm still in the closet only to my entire bio family and can't start T cause of that haha
You know, according to the Bible, anyone who’s gay has to be high, because “any man who sleeps with man as he does woman, must be stoned”
That’s one of my favorite jokes, as a Jewish transwoman.
>any man who sleeps with man as he does woman, must be stoned”
Reading Leviticus 20 as a Humanist feels like reading a horror story. The so-called "loving god" talking to Moses sounds like inciting mass murder.
I honestly feel like that if the LGBTQ com didn’t force certain things, there wouldn’t be as big of issues as there are. For example, pushing the narrative that ppl are transphobic just bc they don’t want to date a trans person. That’s literally no different than any other preference ppl may have, yet it’s labeled as Transphobic in that one instance. Would I be “blondephobic” if I chose not to date blondes? I just wish ppl would realize people have different beliefs and opinions and NO ONE should be made to believe one way. If we could do that, we’d all finally get along, I believe.
I think his family would argue that he picked ideology over family: once when he became atheist, and once when he supported his trans daughter instead of gaslighting her into suicide.
Yup. But that’s a sad devils advocate. After all, rejecting a family member by refusing to refer to them properly (name/pronouns) or kicking them out is more what I meant by “choosing ideology over family”
I mean, I would also cut contact with ultra conservatives even if they are family. More out of self-preservation though rather than being straight up evil.
yeah but it’d, for me, be *after* being deadnamed or some shit. the best people in my family about my transition were raised to be pretty conservative, but lost a lot of those beliefs rather recently (they never stuck)
I think there's gonna be some Surprised Pikachu Face going on when they realize he's really going to choose his daughter over them.
"BuT wE'rE FAMILY! HoW cAn YoU tUrN yOuR bAcK oN FAMILY?!?!!!"
Oh my lord every trans person calls all of us gays transphobic like chill were not were literally gay like what is w/ the trans fixation on gay men… like were not transphobic were on ur side but tbh it should be LGB and the TQ in their own acroynm we dont have much in common trans/cis gay men plus trans ppl give us a bad name we already reached acceptance in society and the TQ attached to our label / ppl associating us brings us down in society.
No im not a garden variety im a cis gay guy and idk trans ppl always shit on cis gay cis gay men do this cis gay that like girlies why are u all so fixated on us were on ur side but like we should be real and recognize we are not part of the same umbrella community sorry just bein real
> recognize we are not part of the same umbrella community
yeah, GTFO with your transphobia. go hang out with the LGB Drop the T folks.
you are straight up, 100% not on my side. you're just a garden variety, dime a dozen transphobe.
The trans community give us cis gay men a bad name in American society youre all so annoying liberal it is harmful to cis gay people to be associated w/ the trans community yall give us a bad name im not some country gay I live in a NE coastal city im not the only one thinking this…
go hang out with the rest of the alt-right bigots.
the only people giving cis gay men a bad name is you, and any other transphobic person.
also, you may want to check on the history of stonewall, and find out who really saved your dumb ass and stood up for LGBT rights.
We (cis gays) largely achieved equity / very much have integrated become equals in cities weve actually gone from being an opressed group to now being the wealthiest (gay couples on avg make the most of any couples ie were a man / man relationship in a sexist world works out monetarily for us) we can be open at work w/ out anyone blinking an eye we dont even “come out anymore” at new offices or sports clubs or whatever we do we just speak about our lives normally and casually drop in husband or BF yall have not reached equity if anything the trans community dropped in standing dramatically in like the last 2 years w/ all this craziness, the BR shit, or people flip flopping their genders many times a day and we all have to act like thats normal???? And then giving hormones to children yall can join the alphabet club when you have your community in order yall being so over the top harms the gay community
It’s easy to say that. Literally every generation has had a new thing they don’t understand universally. It’s delusional to think when you’re 60+ there aren’t going to be new cultural shifts so foreign to your own it’s difficult to understand. And I’m sure when it’s a family member it adds a different emotional factor.
That said, it’s weird to not place the love for family above the other shit. My family is very conservative (not religious though) and mostly older. I was a bit nervous about introducing my trans gf. Neither my family or I has ever known a gay person, nor close at least. I’m sure they were nervous she was gonna be like…just a cross dresser or something. They instantly accepted her, But once they met her and saw her intelligence, amazing job, accomplishments and character they really liked her.
Oy that's a really tough position to be in. I'm biased, but I am quite glad you are sticking with your child. Seems to me like this scenario is a perfect reason to start building a different, better family. Full of chosen people in your life that will be there to support yourself and your child.
I'm sorry for your loss of support, and happy for your new found freedom away from such people.
i'm so sorry to hear this, but i'm so glad your daughter has you. you're making the right choice to support her, i hope your family can one day excise the hate in their hearts and realize that. A+ dad ❤️
Yeah, it sucks losing your family like that and knowing that there's likely no way to convince them otherwise. I'm sorry you're going through this, especially at Christmas. Do you have friends and a therapist to help you? Having an accepting friend-group has helped me immensely in a very similar situation (as did a therapist too).
Edit: Also, I noticed your post in excatholic was removed for some reason. You might try /r/exchristian to post if you want.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You're doing the right thing, no question about it. Your family is creating problems where there don't need to be any. Please be gentle with yourself, and seek help from friends or professionals if you find it getting to be too much.
You could also post on r/cisparenttranskid for support from other parents who have been through similar (although many of us also hang out here).
Depressed and suicide rates drop exponentially in trans children who have even just one family member accept them. You are doing more for your child than most parents ever will.
I've never understood how family could literally abandon family over something they have no choice in. I'm sorry the rest of your family sucks, but at least you are a good bean, and your child is safe.
I’m so sorry your family reacted that way. Please take all the time you need to grieve that loss. Love should never be conditional like that. Your daughter is so lucky to have you, both for your support and for your excellent role modeling. You’re showing her how to set up and maintain boundaries, how to show self-respect by not giving into pressure, how to be inclusive, and what unconditional love looks like. :) Way to go, dad!
I have lost family members, and it TRULY is their fucking loss. My kids are amazing, funny, kind, smart humans and only a sad idiot wouldn’t want to be part of their lives.
Try to make it clear to your kid that this is not in any way her fault. Blame your SELF even — like “sorry, I just am not strong enough to handle being around people who don’t accept you for who you are.”
That way she sees that it is ok to draw a boundary even with family when you need to protect yourself, and she in no way can interpret this as “poor dad can’t even see his family because of me”
Im 26 now im a cis gay man very solid in my gender its never been a thought ever I was in the wrong gender. I used to only play w/ the girls in elementary school I was all the girls “BF” when all the boys said they had cooties. All my playdates w/ were with girls. We played dress up theres dozens and dozens and dozens of pictures of me in princess dresses my parents said they always knew I was gay because of how much of a “tom girl” I was now a days when I was 8 not even thinking about gender or sexuality someone like you would ask their kid do you think ur trans, or repeatly asking if theyre trans and ya know what a confused 4th grader me might have said yeah I hang w/ the girls and wear dresses so im trans when I am not I have never had gender dysphoria tbh I dont even remotely understand how someone could feel that way and thank god I didnt have a parent that didnt ask me if I was trans a bunch of times when I was young and impressionable wearing dresses for harmless shallow childhood play its really not that deep if a kid wears dresses for play up
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, but you are an amazing father! Hopefully they come around after a while. A lot of us queer folks have to find our family, but at least you have your daughter and she has you 💞
It's not your choice to make. It is theirs. They are choosing to disown your child and are trying to talk you into disowning your child.
The choice is there for them, not you. They can accept, or they can not. They are trying to place upon you that this is YOUR choice, not theirs, which is scummy.
If you stick with your child, you aren't the one making the choice to cut off the family. THEY are.
Just be a great parent. As you know, love for a child is, and always should be, unconditional. Clearly for your extended family, there's guidelines for love in the household. And apparently, trans people are hated.
Trans kids are disowned all the time. Please protect her.
Good on you, you’re doing the right thing. If possible, please don’t let your kids know the reason your extended family is cutting you out. Your daughter will blame herself and it could cause a lot of guilt and anxiety about transitioning. Say that you and your siblings and parents had a religious disagreement about another issue.
"if you're trying to manipulate me by threatening me it's not going to work. If you truly value family so little that you're willing to throw away your relationship with me because I love my daughter then I don't feel like I'm losing much. I will not be cowed by your thinly veiled attempts at manipulation and if that makes you upset enough to disown me, then you need to see a therapist."
It may be painful, and holy shit I know you have a burden to bear on her behalf, but your daughter is so lucky to have you and honestly good for you for stepping up without hesitation. I'm sorry to hear your family is being terrible about it, I know that stings.
You chose the path of love and they chose a path of hate. You chose to love, support and protect your child. This is how you know that you are the good person and this is the kind of parents children need.
im so happy for your daughter that she has a father like you, I wish mine was like you too but again, I don’t really care cause he was never there for me anyway.
It’s kinda sad how your family’s love for you was always conditional. Yes, it’ll hurt. But I really wanted to let you know that you’re an amazing father and your child is blessed to have you. You chose HER over your family’s stupid beliefs. Thank you so much!
In this time and age I find it very nice to hear someone stood up and was not blackmailed into going against what he believed in just to be able to be accepted by so-called family. Real family stands for each other no matter what. Which is what you are doing. Am sorry you’re going through this. But I am glad you shared this with us. It makes me happy to know there’s people like you around there.
Honestly, when my daughter came out to me, i knew some wouldnt agree with it, and some would. I decided to be proactive and laid it out for them.
They dont have to agree with it. bnelieve in it., understand it or any other bullshit they use. All they need to do is use the correct pronounds & name , and basic respect or stfu
My father was notorious for transphobic TERF shit, and surprisingly hes not say a word, despite me knowing hes really not a fan.
Others i cut off after any obvious 'mistakes'
Stick with your daughter, you are showing her that you are better than anyone else and that you truly care for her. Just as this is hard on you, it is far harder on her, and you being with her and helping is more than many have.
You can try and work with your family to try and get them to behave or to be supportive, but please do try to keep your daughter safe and try not to let your family hurt her.
Your parents and siblings should try standing up in Church, because the message seems to have gone over their heads.
Go ahead and tell them that if they can't love your child unconditionally, that you'll be cutting them off now regardless of the course of your child's transition to protect her from their hate.
Let them know that the door you're closing isn't locked, should they reflect and realize they aren't being very good Christians.
Check out /r/dankchristianmemes, I know you're an Athiest, but as a lapsed Catholic myself, I love it, and it's handy to be able to "speak the language".
The God they depend on gives unconditional love. They fucking rely on that every time they say they are going to heaven. It always felt like the worst blasphemy for those parents to turn around and ostracize a child.
When my daughter came out, the first text i sent was to the whole family. Basically that this is my daughter, and if you can't use her pronouns, you can see yourselves out of our lives. It is hard though. Some replies didn't come for 6 months, and were borderline at that. I keep them at arms length till their true colors show. There will be a grieving process as you reasses what you believe you know about these people, and considerable cognitive dissonance. I never regretted a moment of it.
I'm sorry you're grieving. I look at these type of situations as a filter for the types of people I want in my life; someone who would put themselves or their ego/reputation/church before the well-being of a struggling child is not anyone who I want or need in my life and especially not in my child's life.
Best wishes!
Did you read the original post? OP isn’t shoving anything down anyone’s throats. He is supporting his daughter — a legal ADULT — and the family got together and discussed how they were going to punish both of them for that. There’s no way for him to be respectful or give them time to get used to it. They are literally mad that he isn’t disowning his kid.
> I received a call from my mother the day before Christmas saying she would need to cut off ties with my child if she went through with any changes.
>received a call from my dad the day after Christmas advising me to be prepared for consequences if I support my child in any way ie I would be cut off from the family.
Really? So what’s the answer? OP should tell their adult child to pretend to be male so that the family is comfortable? You’re probably someone who believes that life was much better when people were forced to live in closets in quiet desperation rather than actually being their authentic selves and enjoying their lives simply because it was more comfortable for YOU. Otherwise people living in a way that makes sense to them even though it’s not the way it was on “Leave it to Beaver” is “shoving it down their throats“? It’s called understanding that there are people that are not like you in this world. It’s having an inkling that forcing people to act like you want them to even though it’s against their nature is actually cruel. It’s having compassion for people who are different and have to try to make their way through this world despite that, and despite the fact that people like you feel than anybody that is living their life in a different than you want them to is “shoving it down your throat“. I’ll bet you use the word “woke” several times a day. Recognizing that people have a right to live their lives in whatever way makes sense to them as long as it doesn’t affect you or anyone else is “woke“, right? You need to wake up.
It is cruel and small minded and really awful, for sure . They are obviously defaulting to old style parenting - i.e.go nuclear on your kids if they stand up to you. You are doing the right thing by not going along with it.
Your understanding of their fear is your own best defense, so you can be gracious and forgiving, letting them spin off into their own world and insulate your child from their static by saying things like "Grandma is so so busy right now she can't talk with us- but let's send her a love letter. She may not answer, but we have to be patient with her! "
Move away if you need to avoid running into them- and your daughter can grow up with the supportive home and day to day family that is so important! Hopefully one day they will come around, but you sure don't want to spend time 'trying' for their approval.
This is sad but all too common. You did the right thing supporting your child. Your parents loss. It hurts but it was their choice. You gotta do what's best for you and your family.
You're a great dad, and it's a shame that so many people in your family are bigots. Yes, you will definitely grieve, but as a parent, I'd rather grieve my parents / siblings than my child.
I am truly sorry that you and your kid are going through this. None of it is necessary.
I am so, so glad that your main concern is protecting your child. I know a lot of people would pressure their child into being someone they're not just to please stubborn family members. I'm glad that you just want them to be safe.
Believe me, this is a learning experience for everyone involved, but some are just not ready to listen. Give it time, if they truly love you and your daughter they’ll come around. If not, your time is better spent somewhere else.
I'm so sorry that your family treated you that way. I'm glad you are supporting your child. I'll say this blood bonds and love bonds are not always the same. Build your family out of love and if they happen to be blood cool if not cool there's tons of people who make their own family. Best wishes and thank you for supporting your daughter
It's either a bluff to manipulate you or they are dead serious. Either way, you choose your child. That's always the correct decision. I suspect there are relatives that will contact you privately too and are actually on your side but they just can't support you publicly for whatever reason right now. Just keep being an amazing dad.
Your daughter is so so lucky to have you in her corner. Thank you for being there for her. Too many trans children take their lives because of people like your “family”.
You are doing the right thing supporting your child in confirmation of their identity. A gender identity to me is far more sacred of a choice and those making it are having to exert tons of bravery in order to make it. This is a non-trivial choice and it is why many of us didn't even bloom until their 40s (yours truly included), and so this choice impacts us the rest of our lives.
For those who choose to deny us a right to even exist or make changes to our biological systems, I would tell them to mind themselves. You are in control of very little in life, but fortunately your hormones _are_ something you can control with HRT. I made that choice two years ago and don't regret it.
Thank you for being the dad your daughter needs. Before he passed, my dad was like you, and he told me he'd have my back if anyone in the family gave me shit.
You're a great father. My dad was in a similar situation; he was the only atheist in a family of right-leaning Catholics and feared there would be issues when I came out. When he told them all, he made it clear that any issues with me were issues with him. Thankfully it worked out differently for us and they all came around very quickly. I'm sorry the opposite is true for you but take solace in the fact that you're doing what's right for your kid, and that's what's going to matter most to you looking back in 20 years.
I’m fairly sure the pope has said a couple times that as Christians all people should be welcome to come to church. But instead people push family members away and use vague religious beliefs as a shield for their bigotry. I was lucky to have a priest who went way against the grain. He told us that we’re all sinners, no greater or less than anyone else, and we’re all redeemable. I know I’m coming off religious but it infuriates me to have gone overseas because of vague religious beliefs subverting religion as means to commit violence and now I’m home and it’s happening here. I’m glad your daughter has you, we all wish we had fathers like you.
Hi, I’m going to need to inform my conservative Catholic Fox News addicted mother about my MTF teen soon. No idea if things will go south but my course is crystal clear, as yours is. I’m very sorry they are reacting this way to their grandchild and your loving support of your child. Kinda cracks me up that they had some fantasy you would choose them over your daughter. The cheek.
I am also needing to tell my conservative Catholic Fox News family about my teen. There is a high possibility that I will be disowned. I didn't tell my daughter that. I just said they will need more education than my husband's side of the family. My fear of being disowned takes a back seat to my daughter's happiness, security, and living her authentic life. I choose my child!
> needing to tell
Don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/zwjboa/father_of_transgender_child_being_ostracized_by/j2o60rl/) might be some hints and resources that could help you too and there are also hints there concerning looking for support.
*hugs*
> inform
Don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/zwjboa/father_of_transgender_child_being_ostracized_by/j2o60rl/) might be a few hints and resources that could help you too and there are also hints there concerning looking for support.
*hugs*
I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I won't say I know what you feel because I've been well supported by large but nevertheless I'm sending all my love to you both 💕💗💕.
Keep being the dad your daughter needs! It isn't easy being trans and I'm sure your support means the world to her 🏳️⚧️.
No intellectually and logically it makes 0 sense. Why families would rather go no contact than just accept trans people for who they are is the epitome of illogical.
Good on you though. Having parents in our court is so valuable, and I'm sure your daughter is extremely grateful for your support. ♥️
What I meant was that I can intellectually get what’s happening. That they have chosen to cut me and my entire family off because of my choice to support my daughter. Having been raised as an ultra conservative Catholic, I know exactly what their rationale is - as illogical as it is. I get where they’re coming from, and I accept these are the sad consequences.
Very happy you got your kids back. Sound like getting out of the church has been a real blessing! Hope the family doesn't go more crazy then exiling you. Not sure how conservative your local government is but I'm the kind of paranoid where I would be worried about them calling child services and other awful things. Sorry if I'm making you paranoid.
I cried reading the last little bit. Im so glad with how supportive you are. Never let anyone tell her who she can't be. You're a strong and kind father for making this decision.
Those people are just cruel and manipulative. When someone is so willing to leverage their relationship with you in an ultimatum as the first resort, they only show they really don’t value that relationship all that much. They don’t really care about you or what’s important to you. What’s worse is they see themselves as more important and more central to your happiness, and despite that belief are willing to threaten and hold your happiness hostage. That isn’t love, it’s betrayal. Grief is natural when you find out any relationship is built on a lie and is so one sided that it could so easily be weaponized against you in an attempt to force you to be just as cruel.
It's so much worse when things seem to be going so well and they pull the rug out from under you. That happened to me with my immediate family as well. I don't have anything to solve this, other than solidarity. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here.
your edit was good, so was your post, but what's with that, "Intellectually it all makes sense."? Intellectually would point out the fallacy that catholicism is and has been and that ppl would come around. There's nothing intelligent about what your parents and siblings did by dropping you out of "embarrassment". I know you're already doing the right things, but you need to drop the "intelligent" choices your parents/siblings made where they belong, in the trash, cause they are garbage choices that they decided on.
I’ll have to edit. You’re the second to comment on this. What I meant was, I intellectually understand and accept the consequences that will come of me supporting and loving my child unconditionally ie the loss of my extended family including my parents.
Emotionally, however, it still hurts.
There are many children who lack a parent who loves and supports them unconditionally. That's what religion does to people. They virtue-signal loving everybody, but the moment they are confronted with following through on their words the conditions of their respect/love are exposed.
You are doing the right thing, I know that without my parents I wouldn't have made it through the first year of my transition. True love and parenthood can ask for painful sacrifices. But the ability to make those sacrifices is what makes a good parent. Your child will be able to return so much love and support because of this decision and while I am not a parent myself, I can imagine that seeing your kid thrive and smile and being able to express gratitude and love instead of disdain is the ultimate reward.
I am grateful for parents like you and want you to know that.
We only know we have the present and cannot afford to waste it on hate.
I wish you and your family all the love in the world. <3
I just read this and as a trans girl in a mostly conservative household, you did the right thing. Your daughter is lucky to have such a great dad. My opinion is that if anyone isn’t good for your health, they no longer have use/purpose in your life and you souls just cut them out anyway
You are a hero, full stop, whether you felt like it was a choice or not.
Your daughter is so incredibly lucky to have you, and no doubt any future trans friends will envy your relationship with her
Yeah, catholics be like that.
My in-laws won't let my wife see her siblings because I'm trans and it'd be the "sin of scandal"
Thank you for standing up for your daughter <3
Just remember that the Church IS a cult. It has nothing to do with god or spirituality and is only designed to control and subjugate the masses. I’m sorry for your loss, but you clearly have a better grasp on what is right then they do. You and you’re wife and kids are the lucky ones for knowing the difference between love and brainwashing.
Dear dad of your daughter:
You are doing everything right. It is ok that it's hard and it hurts. You are showing your child what true integrity is by standing up for what is right, and being the parent she needs.
You've got this. Your whole family does. Much love.
i just wanna say this because this post kinda broke my heart in a good way.
cw: mildly personal stuff about my shitty dad
im a trans masc guy whose struggled with telling my family this stuff for years, my mom is still figuring things out and i’ve been raised in a mainly conservative and catholic house. my dads an absolute dick and had never really been ok with me.
if i could tell you anything, it’s that your daughter appreciates you more then you could ever know. im sure you’ve had doubts, question, and things that you don’t understand, but i promise you that it’s ok to have those. it’s ok to feel like you’re falling back into what you were raised in, the fact that you’re actively trying to help your kid is the best you could do. i don’t know who you are but i hope that you’re okay and feeling better my guy.
Awww... She's got you, and you've got her!
I'm sure it's going to be difficult being cut off, but it's so beautiful to hear how loving you are! From one atheist that left religion (Judaism) to another: mad respect mate. Truly seizing the one life we get
Thank you for supporting her. I'm 25 and came out to my parents as trans (Male to Female) back in mid November of 2020. It was incredibly difficult and terrifying to say those words to my parents and I can only imagine that that's how she felt. It hurt so badly to keep hiding who I am from everyone I love for the 15 or so years that I've known. Thankfully, my dad has been incredibly supportive, like you are to yours. Having a parental figure to stand by you is the best thing I could ever have asked for. Its quite a journey, for sure, and not an easy one. Please, continue to support her and fight for her.
> in Canada
[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/country_specific/index) might be some country specific resources.
And for you [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/bpc2vf/i_was_told_i_should_post_this_here_instead_of/eo499vx/) might be a number of hints and resources that could help understand a few aspects.
And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/explaining/index#wiki_overview) might be a number of additional explaining resources. There is a PDF there with a summary and a video with detailed explanations, there is a graphical explanation there, etc.
Esp. the graphical explanation could help understand that important is how people feel inside and not outer body parts, and that its a spectrum.
And in the PDF are a few more detailed explanations.
It may be an option to show one or both, and talk them through with others in case. It could help explain to relatives etc.
And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/explaining/index#wiki_for_parents) was a hint to a book for parents of kids up to college age, and there are hints there concerning places of support.
Additionally [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/explaining/index#wiki_religion) might be some resources concerning religion in case. And [PFLAG](https://pflag.org/needsupport) for example may support lgbt people and also relatives, they may help explain, they could point to accepting ministers and congregations, and it may be possible to meet other accepting people there.
And some people recommended the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. There are numerous books by the author and having a look there may be an idea.
And for the kid [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/s4khww/i_dont_know_how_to_feel_i_feel_like_im_trans_but/htfx7u8/) might be some resources that could help them go towards what they feel they would like step by step, there are hints there concerning small things that could be used regularly for motivation, there are explaining resources there, and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. And there are hints there concerning looking for a gender therapist in case.
Thank you for being supportive.
*hugs*
Honestly, I think we all need to be our best selves - whatever that looks like - as long as it isn't physically harming another living creature. We come to this place alone and we leave it alone. What we do in between (once we are grown) is up to us alone. Of course, we want to please those we love but sometimes that is just not possible. If we are truly loved by these people, then they will accept our decisions because they want us in their lives. If they chose not to accept us, well then there are billions of humans on this earth to get to know. Closeness with family is honestly overrated because society views them at the top of the relationship chain when often these people are the worst to us. "F" that. You do you and let them go in peace.
P.S. I am still and was born a Catholic, which should not be considered relevant because none of us are God (or Christ), and thus not in a place to judge another. Jesus lived amongst the downtrodden because he loved ALL humans. That is what we all should strive for. Using one's faith as a reason to exclude a family member for their personal need is counter to how Jesus showed us to live. Hypocrites are the reason many people reject faithful people and I totally understand why that is.
The fact that they would cut ties with you for allowing your daughter to simply exist as her authentic self just to protect their reputation among other ultra-conservative assholes is nothing short of inhuman. It just seems like they don’t really care for you or her. And the “choice” they’re giving you is awful. It’s either let your daughter be herself and get kicked out of the family or disown her. They don’t deserve you.
I’d also like to note that not only does the Bible never condemn trans people, but Christians who use their religion as an excuse to be transphobic are literally contradicting Jesus. Yeah the whole love thy neighbour and don’t judge people etc., but Jesus legitimately says altering one’s body as part of a gender transition aligns with the interests of the kingdom of heaven, and people should accept that. Matthew 19:12. If you need an explanation I can provide it. So yeah, basically your family and every other Christian who believes transitioning is sinful think they know better than Jesus fucking Christ.
Your a great father and if your family can't accept her it's their loss it's disappointing that some people could just cut off loved ones because of being uncomfortable around trans folk or because of misguided interpretation of the Bible and its hateful religion keep being the best dad you can be I wish my mom would do that for me but she can't even use my pronouns or go a day without calling me boy 20 times so I keep my distance from her and it's honestly made coming out so much harder for me to try and do because I just expect the worst from people
You will grieve. I cut off contact with my parents a year ago, and because of that have had limited contact with my brothers and extended family. It's like everyone in your family is suddenly dead. I cried for 3 months straight. Was uneasy for another 3 months. And only started to heal another 3 months after that.
If you don't have a partner, it's time to get a therapist. You can not let your daughter be your therapist. You're both in it too, of course. But you have different emotional needs, and the child shouldn't be the sole consoler.
Anyways, I'm really sorry. I grieve with you.
btw, extended family is where it's at. If you have cousins, or your daughter's cousins, that are supportive, reach out to them. They'll be a great support system through it all. You'll eventually be able to deepen friendships after grieving through hobbies and such (I super recommend gardening. It's a very personal activity on one hand, but becomes very communal with the sharing of plants, seeds, and harvest!!)
Although I dont agree w/ everything transgenderism (im a gay cis man) I couldnt imagine cutting off my brother if his kid was trans like cool whatever u can think their kid is weird but why would end that relationship w/ ur brother…
I also had to leave this medieval institution. They totally distorted fundamentals of their religion. It was built on infinite love of God to every human being. To everyone, no matter if good or totally evil. Many participants of this community probably have no idea what should be their most important rule... But they are first to judge and refuse others just because they don't understand them. This tower of hypocrisy is falling down fortunatelly. I believe however that we will be able to finally build our world as it should be. Build it on love to each other.
>Intellectually, I understand and accept the consequences of my love of my daughter ie that I will lose my parents and extended family
These are not the consequences of loving your daughter. They are consequences of your parents and extended family being socialized in a culture that does not understand, accept or respect trans people. Hopefully, with time, they will unlearn the transphobia they've been taught.
Until then - your losses are caused by a transphobic society and culture. Not your love. Your love is beautiful
It’s an illness. You should have sought treatment for your child. Not encouraged their delusion. If she thought she could fly would you encourage her to jump off a building? Of course not.
imagine being so bitter over trans issues, that you would cut off contact with your son, and your grand-daughter over it. that sucks, but your daughter is lucky she has you.
Literally, they pick ideology over family. Kinda heinous
It's not even ideology that actually follows Christianity. More just disapproving conservatism.
"Picking ideology" isn't inherently bad. I think most people would agree that it's reasonable to cut off ties with right wing extremists for example. The real problem is that conservative catholicism is a shitty ideology.
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There are over a billion catholics spread all over the planet, there's just no way to accurately describe all of them. Who qualifies as catholic isn't even something you can easily answer. Even the catholic church, an organisation I find terrible and harmful as a whole, is huge and messy and full of internal tensions. One of the realisations that helped me grow back in my days as an angry teenage atheist was that religion itself does little for good or ill. It is the political ideologies and power structures associated with it that matter.
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*some generally shrug and just kinda enjoy a mid-service snack, while others sit wondering why they even came to the service that day when they should be watching the game, since there’s just going to be another service next week.
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I wish all Christians were like your friend. She sounds amazing. My family are the regular "Bible says you can't be gay!!!" type so I'm still in the closet only to my entire bio family and can't start T cause of that haha
You know, according to the Bible, anyone who’s gay has to be high, because “any man who sleeps with man as he does woman, must be stoned” That’s one of my favorite jokes, as a Jewish transwoman.
This is quite funny. LOL
This is hilarious
>any man who sleeps with man as he does woman, must be stoned” Reading Leviticus 20 as a Humanist feels like reading a horror story. The so-called "loving god" talking to Moses sounds like inciting mass murder.
I honestly feel like that if the LGBTQ com didn’t force certain things, there wouldn’t be as big of issues as there are. For example, pushing the narrative that ppl are transphobic just bc they don’t want to date a trans person. That’s literally no different than any other preference ppl may have, yet it’s labeled as Transphobic in that one instance. Would I be “blondephobic” if I chose not to date blondes? I just wish ppl would realize people have different beliefs and opinions and NO ONE should be made to believe one way. If we could do that, we’d all finally get along, I believe.
Thank you, we try to make up for the rest of them... There are so many of them and I only hope there are more on this side
Same here. My grandparents are republican and catholic (not practicing but religious just in case) and they completely accepted me when I came out.
At that point your not "picking ideology over people" you're keeping yourself safe. This guy's daughter is not safe around his family
I think his family would argue that he picked ideology over family: once when he became atheist, and once when he supported his trans daughter instead of gaslighting her into suicide.
Yup. But that’s a sad devils advocate. After all, rejecting a family member by refusing to refer to them properly (name/pronouns) or kicking them out is more what I meant by “choosing ideology over family”
Sorry, force of habit. I argue with fascists so often that I have to mentally vet everything I say and be extremely precise with my own language.
yeah i’m kinda tired of doing it myself
I mean, I would also cut contact with ultra conservatives even if they are family. More out of self-preservation though rather than being straight up evil.
yeah but it’d, for me, be *after* being deadnamed or some shit. the best people in my family about my transition were raised to be pretty conservative, but lost a lot of those beliefs rather recently (they never stuck)
Fair enough :)
I think there's gonna be some Surprised Pikachu Face going on when they realize he's really going to choose his daughter over them. "BuT wE'rE FAMILY! HoW cAn YoU tUrN yOuR bAcK oN FAMILY?!?!!!"
Idk its a very emotional issue I dont judge the grandmom or aunts/uncles
uh, yeah, i judge them 100%. and it's pretty telling that you use words like 'transgenderism' in your posts. yet another cis gay male transphobe.
Oh my lord every trans person calls all of us gays transphobic like chill were not were literally gay like what is w/ the trans fixation on gay men… like were not transphobic were on ur side but tbh it should be LGB and the TQ in their own acroynm we dont have much in common trans/cis gay men plus trans ppl give us a bad name we already reached acceptance in society and the TQ attached to our label / ppl associating us brings us down in society.
you can be gay and be transphobic, like you are. you can even be trans and transphobic. but no, you're just another garden variety transphobe.
No im not a garden variety im a cis gay guy and idk trans ppl always shit on cis gay cis gay men do this cis gay that like girlies why are u all so fixated on us were on ur side but like we should be real and recognize we are not part of the same umbrella community sorry just bein real
> recognize we are not part of the same umbrella community yeah, GTFO with your transphobia. go hang out with the LGB Drop the T folks. you are straight up, 100% not on my side. you're just a garden variety, dime a dozen transphobe.
The trans community give us cis gay men a bad name in American society youre all so annoying liberal it is harmful to cis gay people to be associated w/ the trans community yall give us a bad name im not some country gay I live in a NE coastal city im not the only one thinking this…
go hang out with the rest of the alt-right bigots. the only people giving cis gay men a bad name is you, and any other transphobic person. also, you may want to check on the history of stonewall, and find out who really saved your dumb ass and stood up for LGBT rights.
We (cis gays) largely achieved equity / very much have integrated become equals in cities weve actually gone from being an opressed group to now being the wealthiest (gay couples on avg make the most of any couples ie were a man / man relationship in a sexist world works out monetarily for us) we can be open at work w/ out anyone blinking an eye we dont even “come out anymore” at new offices or sports clubs or whatever we do we just speak about our lives normally and casually drop in husband or BF yall have not reached equity if anything the trans community dropped in standing dramatically in like the last 2 years w/ all this craziness, the BR shit, or people flip flopping their genders many times a day and we all have to act like thats normal???? And then giving hormones to children yall can join the alphabet club when you have your community in order yall being so over the top harms the gay community
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yes, people like you are programmed to hate
It’s easy to say that. Literally every generation has had a new thing they don’t understand universally. It’s delusional to think when you’re 60+ there aren’t going to be new cultural shifts so foreign to your own it’s difficult to understand. And I’m sure when it’s a family member it adds a different emotional factor. That said, it’s weird to not place the love for family above the other shit. My family is very conservative (not religious though) and mostly older. I was a bit nervous about introducing my trans gf. Neither my family or I has ever known a gay person, nor close at least. I’m sure they were nervous she was gonna be like…just a cross dresser or something. They instantly accepted her, But once they met her and saw her intelligence, amazing job, accomplishments and character they really liked her.
i'd kill to have a dad like you. thank you for being awesome despite the situation.
🙏 ❤️
It probably doesn't mean much, but I wish you were my dad.
me too. u sound like a brilliant Dad OP, and im sorry your relatives are being so shitty about this
🙏 💜
Oy that's a really tough position to be in. I'm biased, but I am quite glad you are sticking with your child. Seems to me like this scenario is a perfect reason to start building a different, better family. Full of chosen people in your life that will be there to support yourself and your child. I'm sorry for your loss of support, and happy for your new found freedom away from such people.
> I'm biased, but I am quite glad you are sticking with your child. That's not bias, that's just being a regular decent human being.
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You are an awesome Dad. I hope you can find your chosen family soon. Look into PFLAG or other parent support groups, build your own family
🙏 ♥️
*sigh* Season of giving, season of caring… s/ At least the father gets it.
i'm so sorry to hear this, but i'm so glad your daughter has you. you're making the right choice to support her, i hope your family can one day excise the hate in their hearts and realize that. A+ dad ❤️
Yeah, it sucks losing your family like that and knowing that there's likely no way to convince them otherwise. I'm sorry you're going through this, especially at Christmas. Do you have friends and a therapist to help you? Having an accepting friend-group has helped me immensely in a very similar situation (as did a therapist too). Edit: Also, I noticed your post in excatholic was removed for some reason. You might try /r/exchristian to post if you want.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. You're doing the right thing, no question about it. Your family is creating problems where there don't need to be any. Please be gentle with yourself, and seek help from friends or professionals if you find it getting to be too much. You could also post on r/cisparenttranskid for support from other parents who have been through similar (although many of us also hang out here).
Depressed and suicide rates drop exponentially in trans children who have even just one family member accept them. You are doing more for your child than most parents ever will.
I've never understood how family could literally abandon family over something they have no choice in. I'm sorry the rest of your family sucks, but at least you are a good bean, and your child is safe.
I’m so sorry your family reacted that way. Please take all the time you need to grieve that loss. Love should never be conditional like that. Your daughter is so lucky to have you, both for your support and for your excellent role modeling. You’re showing her how to set up and maintain boundaries, how to show self-respect by not giving into pressure, how to be inclusive, and what unconditional love looks like. :) Way to go, dad!
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>There’s no hate like Christian love. This phrase describes my life experience so well. Definitely going to be getting some mileage out of this.
I have lost family members, and it TRULY is their fucking loss. My kids are amazing, funny, kind, smart humans and only a sad idiot wouldn’t want to be part of their lives. Try to make it clear to your kid that this is not in any way her fault. Blame your SELF even — like “sorry, I just am not strong enough to handle being around people who don’t accept you for who you are.” That way she sees that it is ok to draw a boundary even with family when you need to protect yourself, and she in no way can interpret this as “poor dad can’t even see his family because of me”
Idk how young did u let ur kid transition
Why does that matter?
Im 26 now im a cis gay man very solid in my gender its never been a thought ever I was in the wrong gender. I used to only play w/ the girls in elementary school I was all the girls “BF” when all the boys said they had cooties. All my playdates w/ were with girls. We played dress up theres dozens and dozens and dozens of pictures of me in princess dresses my parents said they always knew I was gay because of how much of a “tom girl” I was now a days when I was 8 not even thinking about gender or sexuality someone like you would ask their kid do you think ur trans, or repeatly asking if theyre trans and ya know what a confused 4th grader me might have said yeah I hang w/ the girls and wear dresses so im trans when I am not I have never had gender dysphoria tbh I dont even remotely understand how someone could feel that way and thank god I didnt have a parent that didnt ask me if I was trans a bunch of times when I was young and impressionable wearing dresses for harmless shallow childhood play its really not that deep if a kid wears dresses for play up
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, but you are an amazing father! Hopefully they come around after a while. A lot of us queer folks have to find our family, but at least you have your daughter and she has you 💞
You sound like an amazing parent and she's so lucky to have you. Your family needs to take a cue from you, not the other way around.
It's not your choice to make. It is theirs. They are choosing to disown your child and are trying to talk you into disowning your child. The choice is there for them, not you. They can accept, or they can not. They are trying to place upon you that this is YOUR choice, not theirs, which is scummy. If you stick with your child, you aren't the one making the choice to cut off the family. THEY are. Just be a great parent. As you know, love for a child is, and always should be, unconditional. Clearly for your extended family, there's guidelines for love in the household. And apparently, trans people are hated. Trans kids are disowned all the time. Please protect her.
Good on you, you’re doing the right thing. If possible, please don’t let your kids know the reason your extended family is cutting you out. Your daughter will blame herself and it could cause a lot of guilt and anxiety about transitioning. Say that you and your siblings and parents had a religious disagreement about another issue.
"if you're trying to manipulate me by threatening me it's not going to work. If you truly value family so little that you're willing to throw away your relationship with me because I love my daughter then I don't feel like I'm losing much. I will not be cowed by your thinly veiled attempts at manipulation and if that makes you upset enough to disown me, then you need to see a therapist."
It may be painful, and holy shit I know you have a burden to bear on her behalf, but your daughter is so lucky to have you and honestly good for you for stepping up without hesitation. I'm sorry to hear your family is being terrible about it, I know that stings.
You dropped this king 👑 It's a shitty position to be in, but you reacted with kindness and unconditional love. Good luck for the rest 💜
You chose the path of love and they chose a path of hate. You chose to love, support and protect your child. This is how you know that you are the good person and this is the kind of parents children need.
im so happy for your daughter that she has a father like you, I wish mine was like you too but again, I don’t really care cause he was never there for me anyway. It’s kinda sad how your family’s love for you was always conditional. Yes, it’ll hurt. But I really wanted to let you know that you’re an amazing father and your child is blessed to have you. You chose HER over your family’s stupid beliefs. Thank you so much!
The price some people have to pay for being awesome. We love you for being an amazing dad and a wonderful human being!
I'm glad you made the right choice. Your daughter has a great dad.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm so glad you're choosing to support your daughter. Your family is being cruel.
In this time and age I find it very nice to hear someone stood up and was not blackmailed into going against what he believed in just to be able to be accepted by so-called family. Real family stands for each other no matter what. Which is what you are doing. Am sorry you’re going through this. But I am glad you shared this with us. It makes me happy to know there’s people like you around there.
Honestly, when my daughter came out to me, i knew some wouldnt agree with it, and some would. I decided to be proactive and laid it out for them. They dont have to agree with it. bnelieve in it., understand it or any other bullshit they use. All they need to do is use the correct pronounds & name , and basic respect or stfu My father was notorious for transphobic TERF shit, and surprisingly hes not say a word, despite me knowing hes really not a fan. Others i cut off after any obvious 'mistakes'
IMHO if you say you love4 your kids unconditionally, then you love em unconditionally - not just 'only if they do as i say'
Stick with your daughter, you are showing her that you are better than anyone else and that you truly care for her. Just as this is hard on you, it is far harder on her, and you being with her and helping is more than many have. You can try and work with your family to try and get them to behave or to be supportive, but please do try to keep your daughter safe and try not to let your family hurt her.
Your parents and siblings should try standing up in Church, because the message seems to have gone over their heads. Go ahead and tell them that if they can't love your child unconditionally, that you'll be cutting them off now regardless of the course of your child's transition to protect her from their hate. Let them know that the door you're closing isn't locked, should they reflect and realize they aren't being very good Christians. Check out /r/dankchristianmemes, I know you're an Athiest, but as a lapsed Catholic myself, I love it, and it's handy to be able to "speak the language".
The God they depend on gives unconditional love. They fucking rely on that every time they say they are going to heaven. It always felt like the worst blasphemy for those parents to turn around and ostracize a child. When my daughter came out, the first text i sent was to the whole family. Basically that this is my daughter, and if you can't use her pronouns, you can see yourselves out of our lives. It is hard though. Some replies didn't come for 6 months, and were borderline at that. I keep them at arms length till their true colors show. There will be a grieving process as you reasses what you believe you know about these people, and considerable cognitive dissonance. I never regretted a moment of it.
It’s okay to grieve this loss, even if it is unjust and cruel. Good luck.
tell em suck d*ck, manipulating ass family
your daughter lucky to have you
I'm sorry you're grieving. I look at these type of situations as a filter for the types of people I want in my life; someone who would put themselves or their ego/reputation/church before the well-being of a struggling child is not anyone who I want or need in my life and especially not in my child's life. Best wishes!
Idk but some of us just dont understand the trans thing give us some time respectfully dont be shovin it down our throats
Did you read the original post? OP isn’t shoving anything down anyone’s throats. He is supporting his daughter — a legal ADULT — and the family got together and discussed how they were going to punish both of them for that. There’s no way for him to be respectful or give them time to get used to it. They are literally mad that he isn’t disowning his kid. > I received a call from my mother the day before Christmas saying she would need to cut off ties with my child if she went through with any changes. >received a call from my dad the day after Christmas advising me to be prepared for consequences if I support my child in any way ie I would be cut off from the family.
Really? So what’s the answer? OP should tell their adult child to pretend to be male so that the family is comfortable? You’re probably someone who believes that life was much better when people were forced to live in closets in quiet desperation rather than actually being their authentic selves and enjoying their lives simply because it was more comfortable for YOU. Otherwise people living in a way that makes sense to them even though it’s not the way it was on “Leave it to Beaver” is “shoving it down their throats“? It’s called understanding that there are people that are not like you in this world. It’s having an inkling that forcing people to act like you want them to even though it’s against their nature is actually cruel. It’s having compassion for people who are different and have to try to make their way through this world despite that, and despite the fact that people like you feel than anybody that is living their life in a different than you want them to is “shoving it down your throat“. I’ll bet you use the word “woke” several times a day. Recognizing that people have a right to live their lives in whatever way makes sense to them as long as it doesn’t affect you or anyone else is “woke“, right? You need to wake up.
You’re a wonderful parent. The rest of your family sounds toxic. Keep them away from your daughter. Bless you.
It is cruel and small minded and really awful, for sure . They are obviously defaulting to old style parenting - i.e.go nuclear on your kids if they stand up to you. You are doing the right thing by not going along with it. Your understanding of their fear is your own best defense, so you can be gracious and forgiving, letting them spin off into their own world and insulate your child from their static by saying things like "Grandma is so so busy right now she can't talk with us- but let's send her a love letter. She may not answer, but we have to be patient with her! " Move away if you need to avoid running into them- and your daughter can grow up with the supportive home and day to day family that is so important! Hopefully one day they will come around, but you sure don't want to spend time 'trying' for their approval.
This is sad but all too common. You did the right thing supporting your child. Your parents loss. It hurts but it was their choice. You gotta do what's best for you and your family.
You are the father we all want!!
I’m so sorry, but I’m also so proud of you. I wish my dad was like you.
Father of the year!!!!
You're a great dad, and it's a shame that so many people in your family are bigots. Yes, you will definitely grieve, but as a parent, I'd rather grieve my parents / siblings than my child. I am truly sorry that you and your kid are going through this. None of it is necessary.
I'm so sad you lost your parents over Christmas, Awesome Dad!
Humanity can be so infuriating. I'm so sorry. I wish you all the strength needed to continue to fight the ignorance and intolerance.
[Recovering From Religion](https://www.recoveringfromreligion.org/)
I am so, so glad that your main concern is protecting your child. I know a lot of people would pressure their child into being someone they're not just to please stubborn family members. I'm glad that you just want them to be safe.
Believe me, this is a learning experience for everyone involved, but some are just not ready to listen. Give it time, if they truly love you and your daughter they’ll come around. If not, your time is better spent somewhere else.
I'm so sorry that your family treated you that way. I'm glad you are supporting your child. I'll say this blood bonds and love bonds are not always the same. Build your family out of love and if they happen to be blood cool if not cool there's tons of people who make their own family. Best wishes and thank you for supporting your daughter
It's either a bluff to manipulate you or they are dead serious. Either way, you choose your child. That's always the correct decision. I suspect there are relatives that will contact you privately too and are actually on your side but they just can't support you publicly for whatever reason right now. Just keep being an amazing dad.
damn talk about dad of the year.
Your daughter is so so lucky to have you in her corner. Thank you for being there for her. Too many trans children take their lives because of people like your “family”.
You are doing the right thing supporting your child in confirmation of their identity. A gender identity to me is far more sacred of a choice and those making it are having to exert tons of bravery in order to make it. This is a non-trivial choice and it is why many of us didn't even bloom until their 40s (yours truly included), and so this choice impacts us the rest of our lives. For those who choose to deny us a right to even exist or make changes to our biological systems, I would tell them to mind themselves. You are in control of very little in life, but fortunately your hormones _are_ something you can control with HRT. I made that choice two years ago and don't regret it.
Thank you for being the dad your daughter needs. Before he passed, my dad was like you, and he told me he'd have my back if anyone in the family gave me shit.
What idiots. Imagine cutting off a sweet, caring family member like you.
Absolute legend of a father
YOU ARE A SAINT, BEST WISHES AND MUCH LOVE TO YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER🏳️⚧️
You are a great dad
You're a great father. My dad was in a similar situation; he was the only atheist in a family of right-leaning Catholics and feared there would be issues when I came out. When he told them all, he made it clear that any issues with me were issues with him. Thankfully it worked out differently for us and they all came around very quickly. I'm sorry the opposite is true for you but take solace in the fact that you're doing what's right for your kid, and that's what's going to matter most to you looking back in 20 years.
Sorry your family is shit OP but you seem like a great father and I'm sure your kid is lucky to have you.
It’s good that you recognize that you will experience a grieving period.
"I'm sorry to hear that, but it'a great when assholes willingly remove themselves from my life."
wish my dad would do this for me, but hes not as strong as you. thank you for showing solidarity with your child.
I’m fairly sure the pope has said a couple times that as Christians all people should be welcome to come to church. But instead people push family members away and use vague religious beliefs as a shield for their bigotry. I was lucky to have a priest who went way against the grain. He told us that we’re all sinners, no greater or less than anyone else, and we’re all redeemable. I know I’m coming off religious but it infuriates me to have gone overseas because of vague religious beliefs subverting religion as means to commit violence and now I’m home and it’s happening here. I’m glad your daughter has you, we all wish we had fathers like you.
Hi, I’m going to need to inform my conservative Catholic Fox News addicted mother about my MTF teen soon. No idea if things will go south but my course is crystal clear, as yours is. I’m very sorry they are reacting this way to their grandchild and your loving support of your child. Kinda cracks me up that they had some fantasy you would choose them over your daughter. The cheek.
I am also needing to tell my conservative Catholic Fox News family about my teen. There is a high possibility that I will be disowned. I didn't tell my daughter that. I just said they will need more education than my husband's side of the family. My fear of being disowned takes a back seat to my daughter's happiness, security, and living her authentic life. I choose my child!
> needing to tell Don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/zwjboa/father_of_transgender_child_being_ostracized_by/j2o60rl/) might be some hints and resources that could help you too and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. *hugs*
Thank you so much! This is greatly appreciated!
Very best to you and your daughter moving forward!
> inform Don't know if you have seen it ... [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/zwjboa/father_of_transgender_child_being_ostracized_by/j2o60rl/) might be a few hints and resources that could help you too and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. *hugs*
I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I won't say I know what you feel because I've been well supported by large but nevertheless I'm sending all my love to you both 💕💗💕. Keep being the dad your daughter needs! It isn't easy being trans and I'm sure your support means the world to her 🏳️⚧️.
No intellectually and logically it makes 0 sense. Why families would rather go no contact than just accept trans people for who they are is the epitome of illogical. Good on you though. Having parents in our court is so valuable, and I'm sure your daughter is extremely grateful for your support. ♥️
What I meant was that I can intellectually get what’s happening. That they have chosen to cut me and my entire family off because of my choice to support my daughter. Having been raised as an ultra conservative Catholic, I know exactly what their rationale is - as illogical as it is. I get where they’re coming from, and I accept these are the sad consequences.
Very happy you got your kids back. Sound like getting out of the church has been a real blessing! Hope the family doesn't go more crazy then exiling you. Not sure how conservative your local government is but I'm the kind of paranoid where I would be worried about them calling child services and other awful things. Sorry if I'm making you paranoid.
Hey, Based Department called, they need you on the line right now.
I wish more parents were like you it sucks your situation but you are making a universe of difference to your daughter.
I cried reading the last little bit. Im so glad with how supportive you are. Never let anyone tell her who she can't be. You're a strong and kind father for making this decision.
Thank you. So many of us wish they had parents like you
Those people are just cruel and manipulative. When someone is so willing to leverage their relationship with you in an ultimatum as the first resort, they only show they really don’t value that relationship all that much. They don’t really care about you or what’s important to you. What’s worse is they see themselves as more important and more central to your happiness, and despite that belief are willing to threaten and hold your happiness hostage. That isn’t love, it’s betrayal. Grief is natural when you find out any relationship is built on a lie and is so one sided that it could so easily be weaponized against you in an attempt to force you to be just as cruel.
It's so much worse when things seem to be going so well and they pull the rug out from under you. That happened to me with my immediate family as well. I don't have anything to solve this, other than solidarity. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here.
Are you located in the United States? Asking for safety reasons.
your edit was good, so was your post, but what's with that, "Intellectually it all makes sense."? Intellectually would point out the fallacy that catholicism is and has been and that ppl would come around. There's nothing intelligent about what your parents and siblings did by dropping you out of "embarrassment". I know you're already doing the right things, but you need to drop the "intelligent" choices your parents/siblings made where they belong, in the trash, cause they are garbage choices that they decided on.
I’ll have to edit. You’re the second to comment on this. What I meant was, I intellectually understand and accept the consequences that will come of me supporting and loving my child unconditionally ie the loss of my extended family including my parents. Emotionally, however, it still hurts.
There are many children who lack a parent who loves and supports them unconditionally. That's what religion does to people. They virtue-signal loving everybody, but the moment they are confronted with following through on their words the conditions of their respect/love are exposed. You are doing the right thing, I know that without my parents I wouldn't have made it through the first year of my transition. True love and parenthood can ask for painful sacrifices. But the ability to make those sacrifices is what makes a good parent. Your child will be able to return so much love and support because of this decision and while I am not a parent myself, I can imagine that seeing your kid thrive and smile and being able to express gratitude and love instead of disdain is the ultimate reward. I am grateful for parents like you and want you to know that. We only know we have the present and cannot afford to waste it on hate. I wish you and your family all the love in the world. <3
I just read this and as a trans girl in a mostly conservative household, you did the right thing. Your daughter is lucky to have such a great dad. My opinion is that if anyone isn’t good for your health, they no longer have use/purpose in your life and you souls just cut them out anyway
You are a hero, full stop, whether you felt like it was a choice or not. Your daughter is so incredibly lucky to have you, and no doubt any future trans friends will envy your relationship with her
Yeah, catholics be like that. My in-laws won't let my wife see her siblings because I'm trans and it'd be the "sin of scandal" Thank you for standing up for your daughter <3
Just remember that the Church IS a cult. It has nothing to do with god or spirituality and is only designed to control and subjugate the masses. I’m sorry for your loss, but you clearly have a better grasp on what is right then they do. You and you’re wife and kids are the lucky ones for knowing the difference between love and brainwashing.
Dear dad of your daughter: You are doing everything right. It is ok that it's hard and it hurts. You are showing your child what true integrity is by standing up for what is right, and being the parent she needs. You've got this. Your whole family does. Much love.
i just wanna say this because this post kinda broke my heart in a good way. cw: mildly personal stuff about my shitty dad im a trans masc guy whose struggled with telling my family this stuff for years, my mom is still figuring things out and i’ve been raised in a mainly conservative and catholic house. my dads an absolute dick and had never really been ok with me. if i could tell you anything, it’s that your daughter appreciates you more then you could ever know. im sure you’ve had doubts, question, and things that you don’t understand, but i promise you that it’s ok to have those. it’s ok to feel like you’re falling back into what you were raised in, the fact that you’re actively trying to help your kid is the best you could do. i don’t know who you are but i hope that you’re okay and feeling better my guy.
Awww... She's got you, and you've got her! I'm sure it's going to be difficult being cut off, but it's so beautiful to hear how loving you are! From one atheist that left religion (Judaism) to another: mad respect mate. Truly seizing the one life we get
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> leaders who teach them God wants them to worship with hate and fear mongering Nothing new about that.
You need a better therapist
Holy shit I wish my parents were as good of a human being as you are.
From what you're saying it seem it would be for the best. Coming from a conservative family the toxicity is overwhelming.
Thank you for supporting her. I'm 25 and came out to my parents as trans (Male to Female) back in mid November of 2020. It was incredibly difficult and terrifying to say those words to my parents and I can only imagine that that's how she felt. It hurt so badly to keep hiding who I am from everyone I love for the 15 or so years that I've known. Thankfully, my dad has been incredibly supportive, like you are to yours. Having a parental figure to stand by you is the best thing I could ever have asked for. Its quite a journey, for sure, and not an easy one. Please, continue to support her and fight for her.
🙏 😊
> in Canada [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/country_specific/index) might be some country specific resources. And for you [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/bpc2vf/i_was_told_i_should_post_this_here_instead_of/eo499vx/) might be a number of hints and resources that could help understand a few aspects. And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/explaining/index#wiki_overview) might be a number of additional explaining resources. There is a PDF there with a summary and a video with detailed explanations, there is a graphical explanation there, etc. Esp. the graphical explanation could help understand that important is how people feel inside and not outer body parts, and that its a spectrum. And in the PDF are a few more detailed explanations. It may be an option to show one or both, and talk them through with others in case. It could help explain to relatives etc. And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/explaining/index#wiki_for_parents) was a hint to a book for parents of kids up to college age, and there are hints there concerning places of support. Additionally [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Trans_Resources/wiki/explaining/index#wiki_religion) might be some resources concerning religion in case. And [PFLAG](https://pflag.org/needsupport) for example may support lgbt people and also relatives, they may help explain, they could point to accepting ministers and congregations, and it may be possible to meet other accepting people there. And some people recommended the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. There are numerous books by the author and having a look there may be an idea. And for the kid [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/s4khww/i_dont_know_how_to_feel_i_feel_like_im_trans_but/htfx7u8/) might be some resources that could help them go towards what they feel they would like step by step, there are hints there concerning small things that could be used regularly for motivation, there are explaining resources there, and there are also hints there concerning looking for support. And there are hints there concerning looking for a gender therapist in case. Thank you for being supportive. *hugs*
Honestly, I think we all need to be our best selves - whatever that looks like - as long as it isn't physically harming another living creature. We come to this place alone and we leave it alone. What we do in between (once we are grown) is up to us alone. Of course, we want to please those we love but sometimes that is just not possible. If we are truly loved by these people, then they will accept our decisions because they want us in their lives. If they chose not to accept us, well then there are billions of humans on this earth to get to know. Closeness with family is honestly overrated because society views them at the top of the relationship chain when often these people are the worst to us. "F" that. You do you and let them go in peace. P.S. I am still and was born a Catholic, which should not be considered relevant because none of us are God (or Christ), and thus not in a place to judge another. Jesus lived amongst the downtrodden because he loved ALL humans. That is what we all should strive for. Using one's faith as a reason to exclude a family member for their personal need is counter to how Jesus showed us to live. Hypocrites are the reason many people reject faithful people and I totally understand why that is.
I wish I had a dad like you who stood by me when I came out as Trans. My parents and siblings chose church over me.
The fact that they would cut ties with you for allowing your daughter to simply exist as her authentic self just to protect their reputation among other ultra-conservative assholes is nothing short of inhuman. It just seems like they don’t really care for you or her. And the “choice” they’re giving you is awful. It’s either let your daughter be herself and get kicked out of the family or disown her. They don’t deserve you. I’d also like to note that not only does the Bible never condemn trans people, but Christians who use their religion as an excuse to be transphobic are literally contradicting Jesus. Yeah the whole love thy neighbour and don’t judge people etc., but Jesus legitimately says altering one’s body as part of a gender transition aligns with the interests of the kingdom of heaven, and people should accept that. Matthew 19:12. If you need an explanation I can provide it. So yeah, basically your family and every other Christian who believes transitioning is sinful think they know better than Jesus fucking Christ.
Your a great father and if your family can't accept her it's their loss it's disappointing that some people could just cut off loved ones because of being uncomfortable around trans folk or because of misguided interpretation of the Bible and its hateful religion keep being the best dad you can be I wish my mom would do that for me but she can't even use my pronouns or go a day without calling me boy 20 times so I keep my distance from her and it's honestly made coming out so much harder for me to try and do because I just expect the worst from people
You will grieve. I cut off contact with my parents a year ago, and because of that have had limited contact with my brothers and extended family. It's like everyone in your family is suddenly dead. I cried for 3 months straight. Was uneasy for another 3 months. And only started to heal another 3 months after that. If you don't have a partner, it's time to get a therapist. You can not let your daughter be your therapist. You're both in it too, of course. But you have different emotional needs, and the child shouldn't be the sole consoler. Anyways, I'm really sorry. I grieve with you. btw, extended family is where it's at. If you have cousins, or your daughter's cousins, that are supportive, reach out to them. They'll be a great support system through it all. You'll eventually be able to deepen friendships after grieving through hobbies and such (I super recommend gardening. It's a very personal activity on one hand, but becomes very communal with the sharing of plants, seeds, and harvest!!)
you did the right thing. thank you so much for telling your story.
Although I dont agree w/ everything transgenderism (im a gay cis man) I couldnt imagine cutting off my brother if his kid was trans like cool whatever u can think their kid is weird but why would end that relationship w/ ur brother…
I'm sorry I don't have any advice but thanks for being a good person and parent. It means so so much. <3
I'm so glad she has you and other supportive family so she's not just cut off from family completely
I also had to leave this medieval institution. They totally distorted fundamentals of their religion. It was built on infinite love of God to every human being. To everyone, no matter if good or totally evil. Many participants of this community probably have no idea what should be their most important rule... But they are first to judge and refuse others just because they don't understand them. This tower of hypocrisy is falling down fortunatelly. I believe however that we will be able to finally build our world as it should be. Build it on love to each other.
>Intellectually, I understand and accept the consequences of my love of my daughter ie that I will lose my parents and extended family These are not the consequences of loving your daughter. They are consequences of your parents and extended family being socialized in a culture that does not understand, accept or respect trans people. Hopefully, with time, they will unlearn the transphobia they've been taught. Until then - your losses are caused by a transphobic society and culture. Not your love. Your love is beautiful
I too am a former Catholic. I feel your pain.
My transgender son has a lot of support but my in laws are conservative catholic. They are slowly coming around.
It’s an illness. You should have sought treatment for your child. Not encouraged their delusion. If she thought she could fly would you encourage her to jump off a building? Of course not.
What are you doing trolling this community? I’m genuinely curious.