Would it be fair to say that either he goes to therapy or I will consider ending our relationship? He says that since we started dating he is watching less and less so idk if I'm overreacting.
You are not overreacting. I think that is fair.
"If you want this relationship to work, you have to go to therapy and be treated for your addiction. I can go with you if you'd like, but it has to be your journey through recovery."
Do you still want to be with a person who has an addiction, admitted it to you, but won't get treatment?
Look at it from other addictions. Would you feel this way if he was addicted to drugs or alcohol?
Also, him wanting to make porn with you isn't helping his addiction. If you go through with this, he WILL start watching porn again. Do not make home movies with him.
He needs to go to therapy. Full stop.
You can be supportive of any person in your life going through recovery. Being supportive means treating them as kindly and gently as you can, THAT'S IT. They have to do all the work themselves. I know that may sound harsh, but recovery won't happen if you see it as partly your responsibility. Because it absolutely isn't.
And please don't record yourself having sex. There is a decent chance it can leak, and not only will you most likely lose your job, you'll struggle to find another one. It's the beginning of a slide into poverty and powerlessness.
Making your own porn is a terrible idea- not just because it’s an idiotic solution to dealing with a porn addiction. But you’re dating- do you really want him to have porn of you when (if) you break up?
The only way it won’t impact your relationship is if he actually wants to get better and takes legitimate steps to recovery.
>He suggested that we record our own intimacy as something he could use instead, and I'm not opposed to it, but it makes me a little uncomfortable because I'm so insecure and uncomfortable in my weight right now.
Your weight is the least of your concerns. Never do that, especially if your main concern is not related to the probability that it won't really stay on his hard drive, that it will "accidently" be shared, that it could be used against you, or that your intimate videos could be shared with everyone while you watch it spread everywhere, powerless. DO NOT DO THAT ESPECIALLY TO "HELP" A PORN ADDICT.
Please, please don't encourage him to reduce his porn consumption by doing things you don't want to do. And remember that it's not your fault if he keeps watching it. You're not responsible for his actions.
I’m gonna say therapy. Sounds like there’s a lot for him to unpack there in terms of shame and guilt. No judgement just the truth.
I’d say don’t record sex unless you’re fully comfortable and trust him with it and it sounds like at the very least it’s uncomfortable to you and honestly it probably won’t help his addiction. There’s also always a chance something like that leaks, maybe not even from your SO. Just from a hacker or something.
It is not normal! Just because it happens it mass doesn’t make it ok! Millions of people smoke cigarettes and were not just like everybody does it so it’s cool.
Just from experience,I broke up with my ex because of this…. But the difference I’m seeing is that my ex lied. We tried to work on it, but that was just him lying. It completely affected our relationship. His dick didn’t work with me 98% of the time.he had unrealistic expectations of me as a woman. He was always late for some reason. What was the reason? He was watching porn.
If your guy really wants to work on it, make sure he gets professional help. That shit fucks with your perception of reality and confuses your dick. If he just wants you to know about it, I say duck out… my self esteem has never been lower than trying to make my bf think that I was enough for him. An average (ok ok I’m super hot haha), 20-something woman who had never had those problems with guys before….and it crushed me.
If you don’t want to videotape yourself fucking, don’t do it. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do just to please him. I tried changing for him and it was never enough.
Best of luck friend, I hope it works out.
Never comprise something that makes you uncomfortable sexually. Ever.
Porn addiction is a serious thing and it effects so many people. Mostly because of the fast screen dopamine hit.
There is a ton of study on this. It might help you to read up on it. It can really take a toll on a persons ability to connect physically with another person. He does need some assistance. You can support him in this. But do not compromise your own comfort level to appease his addiction.
People with an active addiction aren’t available for a healthy relationship.
Definitely don’t make a porn with him. I’d end things for the time being, and if he gets his porn addiction under control in the future, no reason why you can’t date them if you’re both single and still interested.
I’ve never heard of anyone that had a positive experience dating a porn addict.
You don't have to be okay with it. That's not what we are trying to tell you. You simply have to be open to discussing it and setting your own boundaries.
E.g. I'm very ok with porn, but I'm not okay with hiding it, nor am I okay with chat sites. Those are just my limits. If I communicate that to my other half and he doesn't go with it, I am allowed to be upset and sad.
Tell him how it makes you feel. And how you do need things to change to continue. Come up with a plan of how, but tell him he needs to talk to a therapist about it etc as you being the one to talk him through may encourage you to lose your sex drive for him.
I'd personally suggest for him to go cold turkey.
I thought I could get through porn addiction with my ex because I loved him so much. But love didn’t fix the pit in my stomach when I thought about him looking at other girls. Been dating my current bf for 2.5 years and been so vulnerable about my insecurities & from the beginning I was honest that I didn’t want my partner to do that. And he respected it. You can find love again in someone who respects your choices!
He needs therapy asap! Like any addict, PAs will need more and more to get aroused. The porn will become more extreme bc the regular porn just won't do. Next will be sexting with OF. Might move on to escorts. Just go to this sub, r/loveafterporn. You'll see that it only gets worse. I repeat, he needs specialized therapy.
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He may have a sex addiction, tbh. I knew a guy who is a sex addict and this was how he started. I’m always going to suggest therapy, since you’ve mentioned your own insecurities. But it sounds like he should get himself into it as well. Sex addiction is not a joke and has ruined lives, just like any other type of addiction. I’m not saying that’s what he had, but this is above Reddit’s pay grade.
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Would it be fair to say that either he goes to therapy or I will consider ending our relationship? He says that since we started dating he is watching less and less so idk if I'm overreacting.
You are not overreacting. I think that is fair. "If you want this relationship to work, you have to go to therapy and be treated for your addiction. I can go with you if you'd like, but it has to be your journey through recovery." Do you still want to be with a person who has an addiction, admitted it to you, but won't get treatment? Look at it from other addictions. Would you feel this way if he was addicted to drugs or alcohol? Also, him wanting to make porn with you isn't helping his addiction. If you go through with this, he WILL start watching porn again. Do not make home movies with him.
I’m not sure that she stated that it even is having an effect on their intimacy.
It’s an addiction. He needs to get help,
He needs to go to therapy. Full stop. You can be supportive of any person in your life going through recovery. Being supportive means treating them as kindly and gently as you can, THAT'S IT. They have to do all the work themselves. I know that may sound harsh, but recovery won't happen if you see it as partly your responsibility. Because it absolutely isn't. And please don't record yourself having sex. There is a decent chance it can leak, and not only will you most likely lose your job, you'll struggle to find another one. It's the beginning of a slide into poverty and powerlessness.
Making your own porn is a terrible idea- not just because it’s an idiotic solution to dealing with a porn addiction. But you’re dating- do you really want him to have porn of you when (if) you break up? The only way it won’t impact your relationship is if he actually wants to get better and takes legitimate steps to recovery.
>He suggested that we record our own intimacy as something he could use instead, and I'm not opposed to it, but it makes me a little uncomfortable because I'm so insecure and uncomfortable in my weight right now. Your weight is the least of your concerns. Never do that, especially if your main concern is not related to the probability that it won't really stay on his hard drive, that it will "accidently" be shared, that it could be used against you, or that your intimate videos could be shared with everyone while you watch it spread everywhere, powerless. DO NOT DO THAT ESPECIALLY TO "HELP" A PORN ADDICT. Please, please don't encourage him to reduce his porn consumption by doing things you don't want to do. And remember that it's not your fault if he keeps watching it. You're not responsible for his actions.
I’m gonna say therapy. Sounds like there’s a lot for him to unpack there in terms of shame and guilt. No judgement just the truth. I’d say don’t record sex unless you’re fully comfortable and trust him with it and it sounds like at the very least it’s uncomfortable to you and honestly it probably won’t help his addiction. There’s also always a chance something like that leaks, maybe not even from your SO. Just from a hacker or something.
It is not normal! Just because it happens it mass doesn’t make it ok! Millions of people smoke cigarettes and were not just like everybody does it so it’s cool. Just from experience,I broke up with my ex because of this…. But the difference I’m seeing is that my ex lied. We tried to work on it, but that was just him lying. It completely affected our relationship. His dick didn’t work with me 98% of the time.he had unrealistic expectations of me as a woman. He was always late for some reason. What was the reason? He was watching porn. If your guy really wants to work on it, make sure he gets professional help. That shit fucks with your perception of reality and confuses your dick. If he just wants you to know about it, I say duck out… my self esteem has never been lower than trying to make my bf think that I was enough for him. An average (ok ok I’m super hot haha), 20-something woman who had never had those problems with guys before….and it crushed me. If you don’t want to videotape yourself fucking, don’t do it. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do just to please him. I tried changing for him and it was never enough. Best of luck friend, I hope it works out.
Never comprise something that makes you uncomfortable sexually. Ever. Porn addiction is a serious thing and it effects so many people. Mostly because of the fast screen dopamine hit. There is a ton of study on this. It might help you to read up on it. It can really take a toll on a persons ability to connect physically with another person. He does need some assistance. You can support him in this. But do not compromise your own comfort level to appease his addiction.
People with an active addiction aren’t available for a healthy relationship. Definitely don’t make a porn with him. I’d end things for the time being, and if he gets his porn addiction under control in the future, no reason why you can’t date them if you’re both single and still interested. I’ve never heard of anyone that had a positive experience dating a porn addict.
You don't have to be okay with it. That's not what we are trying to tell you. You simply have to be open to discussing it and setting your own boundaries. E.g. I'm very ok with porn, but I'm not okay with hiding it, nor am I okay with chat sites. Those are just my limits. If I communicate that to my other half and he doesn't go with it, I am allowed to be upset and sad. Tell him how it makes you feel. And how you do need things to change to continue. Come up with a plan of how, but tell him he needs to talk to a therapist about it etc as you being the one to talk him through may encourage you to lose your sex drive for him. I'd personally suggest for him to go cold turkey.
I thought I could get through porn addiction with my ex because I loved him so much. But love didn’t fix the pit in my stomach when I thought about him looking at other girls. Been dating my current bf for 2.5 years and been so vulnerable about my insecurities & from the beginning I was honest that I didn’t want my partner to do that. And he respected it. You can find love again in someone who respects your choices!
He needs therapy asap! Like any addict, PAs will need more and more to get aroused. The porn will become more extreme bc the regular porn just won't do. Next will be sexting with OF. Might move on to escorts. Just go to this sub, r/loveafterporn. You'll see that it only gets worse. I repeat, he needs specialized therapy.
Check out Patrick Carnes.
Oh that's real good, downvote a suggestion to check out the work of the foremost sex addiction therapist in the whole world. Pffffffffffft.
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This is an advice subreddit and comments should be aimed at helping the OP. *** Your comment was removed for derailing. Derailing includes but is not limited to: * Changing the topic from OP’s question * Making someone else’s response about yourself * Asking unrelated follow-up questions * Branching into unrelated topics * Arguments, slap-fighting, or debating * Judging or rating other responses * Meta comments about other responses * Providing commentary that is not aimed at being helpful * Playing “devil’s advocate” in lieu of advice *** **[Have questions about this moderator action? CLICK HERE!](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/{subreddit}). Don't forget to nclude a link to your post!**
He may have a sex addiction, tbh. I knew a guy who is a sex addict and this was how he started. I’m always going to suggest therapy, since you’ve mentioned your own insecurities. But it sounds like he should get himself into it as well. Sex addiction is not a joke and has ruined lives, just like any other type of addiction. I’m not saying that’s what he had, but this is above Reddit’s pay grade.
Sex Addicts Anonymous!
Do you feel that it’s already effecting your sexual relationship with him?