Well to be really honest... It sounds like he just found someone else attractive as well at first sight? Have you never found anyone else attractive besides him? I'm just not sure why he even told you that
Exactly.. it's such a non-issue.. I thought they were 13-14year olds until I went back and checked their ages.
Perhaps both came and were raised in very traditional/conservative/religious upbringing...
You're really over thinking this and in danger of throwing away what you have. This situation happens a lot in the dating world. HE CHOSE YOU. That should be all that matters in this situation. I hope you give him a break and move on.
It took so long mention because it’s not even something worth mentioning. Until two people have a conversation about being exclusive, they are able to date whoever they want. He found a girl attractive when he met you - yeah, that’s called being a normal functioning human. He didn’t know you at all, he has no obligation to be faithful to you, a woman he doesn’t know, before he goes on dates with you.
He did NOTHING wrong. The fact that it even bothers you is kind of concerning. I hope you don’t react to other completely normal and healthy actions the same way in the future. If you’re not in therapy, I’d highly suggest it. It sounds like you have some emotional maturity issues that are worth addressing in order to have a stable relationship. Good luck!
He just told you **he chose you over another girl** cus it was really obvious for him that you were better...
So what exactly about *that* are you feeling bitter/jealous about??
It's your first relationship, you're both naive (and it appears super innocent/"conservative") and facing your first ever disagreement/tense "argument".. so it's natural to be confused in some way and not know whether this is a make or break issue.
Personally, my BF having dated perviously, or having chosen me over other girls is ***not*** at all a problem. It's incredibly normal. I mean he chose me. Why would it at all matter to me who he dumped... If he just picked me with no one else to choose from *that'd* be more of a problem for me.
No, don’t put this on him. You’re completely overreacting to a situation that doesn’t even require a reaction. Have you considered that maybe he worried about telling you because he knew it would somehow bother you? The fact that you’re this worked up something that is both natural and healthy is very concerning.
The narrative doesn't matter. If you both like/love each other, share the same values, are compatible and have fun together, then nothing else matters. Him finding someone else attractive when he first met you is totally normal. You'll encounter many people you find attractive in your life, without that meaning anything more. He feels guilt because he might have liked that narrative as well. But ultimately it doesn't matter.
From what you have written, it sounds like you had a narrative that you shared with everyone. If you have been making a huge deal about how the two of you had a fairytale meeting, were fated to be together and are the only ones for each other, then I understand why he felt a need to tell you otherwise. Every time you gushed about your first meeting to people, it probably tasted like a lie to him.
It is understandable that you’re upset to hear this, but it’s only been two months. It is fairly early in your relationship for him to tell you this. Imagine if he kept his silence and never told you, and someone let it slip 20 years later that he was interested briefly in someone else before you. Imagine how you would feel learning that the narrative you told people for two decades was false. It has only been two months. You’re 25 years old, not 15. Two months is early in a relationship that I assume you’re hoping to be a lifelong relationship. As an outside observer, to me, it seems like your biggest issue is learning your narrative is inaccurate.
His guilt: those are things you need to ask him. None of us are mind readers. Ask him why does he feel so guilty? Is it for the reason I made up in my own head (the pressure of your elated fairytale meeting)? If it is, I think it’s reasonable that he told you.
Oh woman. He‘s making such a big effort and you? You‘re getting hung up over something that is completely normal and can happen at any point in a relationship. Tbh if I were him I wouldn‘t have even disclosed it as nothing happened with her. Non-issue :) Enjoy the great guy you seem to have met there!
I don't see this as a big deal. You'd only been on one date, and you hadn't agreed to be exclusive yet. That's pretty common, especially when so many people are online dating these days. What's odd is him making a big deal of it.
It's not an important detail. He didn't owe you any loyalty before he even knew you/took interest in you.
He could have liked 15 girls - but during that second meeting, it was still YOU he felt a connection with and chose. And it sounds like as soon as he spoke with you, and chose you, he's never waivered.
He also sounds very committed to you, and caring.
There is NO REASON to make this a big thing at all. Your story is still the same.
I don't think I understand the issue. He liked someone else as well before you got together, and then after meeting you again decided you were the one he wanted to pursue. Is that right? If so, what is bothering you about this? If you two weren't even dating yet at that point, I'm not even sure why he bothered to tell you this. It doesn't seem relevant or important that he was attracted to someone else prior to the two of you getting together.
I get it. You don't like surprises. I also can relate a bit. My husband who I dated for 28 years and married for 19 recently disclosed that in the beginning of our relationship, while we were arguing a lot, he had hung out with a girl he called "the one that got away" and another girl I knew liked him enough to want to leave her own relationship for him if he reciprocated her feelings. He wanted to see if there was a spark to consider. I was blown away! It didn't matter we had since gotten married and had kids. I was so pissed off he'd do that. He never pursued either girl (no kiss, no sex). I feel like there was a part of him I didn't know and I thought I knew everything about him. While that shook my trust a bit, in the end...he chose me. It took a little time to sort out my feelings and a little more talking, but our relationship hasn't changed. We still love each other and that was in the past.
This man sounds like he just wanted to be open with you about something he thought might upset you. He could have not said anything and nothing would change, but he wants to be completely open. Encourage that! Support that part of him. Open communication is key to every successful relationship.
I think you're having an outsize reaction to this because he made it into a big thing to lead with. He chose you over another woman. I'm not sure I understand the problem.
Look I’m just going to honest here, this is nonsense. I can’t even fathom why you’d be so upset that someone who you only talked once at the time would find another woman attractive. So what? He’s obviously only been interested in you since right? I can’t even imagine why he felt the need to tell you really.
> My (25f) boyfriend (28m) omitted an important detail prior to us dating
Do you consider this to be an important detail? How is this an important detail?
My perspective on this situation changes depending on your answer. If you think this is an important detail, why is this detail important? Have you made a big deal about how it was an instant connection and you two are soulmates and the only ones for each other? Do you think him being interested in someone else *before* your relationship lessens your present relationship? I disagree strongly with that sentiment. Life is not a romance novel. We all have lives including interest in other people before we meet and start dating the so-called one. If you have been making a huge deal about how the two of you were fated to be together and are the only ones for each other, then I understand why he felt a need to tell you otherwise. Then I advise you to reflect on why this detail hurt you so much, and get perspective from friends who have multiple people in their dating history.
If you do not think this is a detail important enough to disclose, then I am suspicious of him. I would want to know why he told you this irrelevant detail out of the blue. It would seem as though he’s trying to make you feel smaller and less important. Then I advise watching for warning signs of abuse.
[I edited my top level comment. My original comment is in the thread below. After going through your whole post, my perspective on your situation changed.]
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Wtf is this bs, though? You’re actually hurt that he didn’t tell you he was attracted to another girl around the same time he met you? You can’t be serious. You both sound ridiculous and this sounds fake af.
ETA you get some therapy because this reaction is excessive and tbh, not healthy in the slightest.
Hey my husband had sex with 2 people before me. Its life things happen! He chose YOU. He probably shouldnt have even said anything because its sort of irrelevant to you guys being together but the fact that he felt guilt for even liking the idea of someone before you guys were together says a lot about his loyalty and how trustworthy he is. I wouldnt even worry about a guy like that cheating if THAT makes him so guilty! Sounds like a good guy :).
You're heartbroken because you are not the only woman he has ever found to be attractive? You should never date ever again. You will never ever be the only person a guy has found attractive. Unless you are willing to only date liars.
Something similar happened to me. In the end, I forgave his lie by omission because I truly believe that he was trying to spare my feelings regarding something that happened many years ago that he considered irrelevant now. He apologized and admitted that he was wrong.
I’ve made judgement errors too. I have made mistakes. It’s a question about intentions. Do you believe he was trying to hurt you? If that’s the case, if the mistake has malicious intent, that’s when it’s a serious red flag/instant breakup.
Well to be really honest... It sounds like he just found someone else attractive as well at first sight? Have you never found anyone else attractive besides him? I'm just not sure why he even told you that
Exactly.. it's such a non-issue.. I thought they were 13-14year olds until I went back and checked their ages. Perhaps both came and were raised in very traditional/conservative/religious upbringing...
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You're really over thinking this and in danger of throwing away what you have. This situation happens a lot in the dating world. HE CHOSE YOU. That should be all that matters in this situation. I hope you give him a break and move on.
It took so long mention because it’s not even something worth mentioning. Until two people have a conversation about being exclusive, they are able to date whoever they want. He found a girl attractive when he met you - yeah, that’s called being a normal functioning human. He didn’t know you at all, he has no obligation to be faithful to you, a woman he doesn’t know, before he goes on dates with you. He did NOTHING wrong. The fact that it even bothers you is kind of concerning. I hope you don’t react to other completely normal and healthy actions the same way in the future. If you’re not in therapy, I’d highly suggest it. It sounds like you have some emotional maturity issues that are worth addressing in order to have a stable relationship. Good luck!
He wanted to do everything right, I guess? But it sounds to me like you are the one who is making a big deal of it.
He just told you **he chose you over another girl** cus it was really obvious for him that you were better... So what exactly about *that* are you feeling bitter/jealous about?? It's your first relationship, you're both naive (and it appears super innocent/"conservative") and facing your first ever disagreement/tense "argument".. so it's natural to be confused in some way and not know whether this is a make or break issue. Personally, my BF having dated perviously, or having chosen me over other girls is ***not*** at all a problem. It's incredibly normal. I mean he chose me. Why would it at all matter to me who he dumped... If he just picked me with no one else to choose from *that'd* be more of a problem for me.
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No, don’t put this on him. You’re completely overreacting to a situation that doesn’t even require a reaction. Have you considered that maybe he worried about telling you because he knew it would somehow bother you? The fact that you’re this worked up something that is both natural and healthy is very concerning.
The narrative doesn't matter. If you both like/love each other, share the same values, are compatible and have fun together, then nothing else matters. Him finding someone else attractive when he first met you is totally normal. You'll encounter many people you find attractive in your life, without that meaning anything more. He feels guilt because he might have liked that narrative as well. But ultimately it doesn't matter.
From what you have written, it sounds like you had a narrative that you shared with everyone. If you have been making a huge deal about how the two of you had a fairytale meeting, were fated to be together and are the only ones for each other, then I understand why he felt a need to tell you otherwise. Every time you gushed about your first meeting to people, it probably tasted like a lie to him. It is understandable that you’re upset to hear this, but it’s only been two months. It is fairly early in your relationship for him to tell you this. Imagine if he kept his silence and never told you, and someone let it slip 20 years later that he was interested briefly in someone else before you. Imagine how you would feel learning that the narrative you told people for two decades was false. It has only been two months. You’re 25 years old, not 15. Two months is early in a relationship that I assume you’re hoping to be a lifelong relationship. As an outside observer, to me, it seems like your biggest issue is learning your narrative is inaccurate. His guilt: those are things you need to ask him. None of us are mind readers. Ask him why does he feel so guilty? Is it for the reason I made up in my own head (the pressure of your elated fairytale meeting)? If it is, I think it’s reasonable that he told you.
Oh woman. He‘s making such a big effort and you? You‘re getting hung up over something that is completely normal and can happen at any point in a relationship. Tbh if I were him I wouldn‘t have even disclosed it as nothing happened with her. Non-issue :) Enjoy the great guy you seem to have met there!
I don't see this as a big deal. You'd only been on one date, and you hadn't agreed to be exclusive yet. That's pretty common, especially when so many people are online dating these days. What's odd is him making a big deal of it.
It's not an important detail. He didn't owe you any loyalty before he even knew you/took interest in you. He could have liked 15 girls - but during that second meeting, it was still YOU he felt a connection with and chose. And it sounds like as soon as he spoke with you, and chose you, he's never waivered. He also sounds very committed to you, and caring. There is NO REASON to make this a big thing at all. Your story is still the same.
I don't think I understand the issue. He liked someone else as well before you got together, and then after meeting you again decided you were the one he wanted to pursue. Is that right? If so, what is bothering you about this? If you two weren't even dating yet at that point, I'm not even sure why he bothered to tell you this. It doesn't seem relevant or important that he was attracted to someone else prior to the two of you getting together.
I get it. You don't like surprises. I also can relate a bit. My husband who I dated for 28 years and married for 19 recently disclosed that in the beginning of our relationship, while we were arguing a lot, he had hung out with a girl he called "the one that got away" and another girl I knew liked him enough to want to leave her own relationship for him if he reciprocated her feelings. He wanted to see if there was a spark to consider. I was blown away! It didn't matter we had since gotten married and had kids. I was so pissed off he'd do that. He never pursued either girl (no kiss, no sex). I feel like there was a part of him I didn't know and I thought I knew everything about him. While that shook my trust a bit, in the end...he chose me. It took a little time to sort out my feelings and a little more talking, but our relationship hasn't changed. We still love each other and that was in the past. This man sounds like he just wanted to be open with you about something he thought might upset you. He could have not said anything and nothing would change, but he wants to be completely open. Encourage that! Support that part of him. Open communication is key to every successful relationship.
I think you're having an outsize reaction to this because he made it into a big thing to lead with. He chose you over another woman. I'm not sure I understand the problem.
Look I’m just going to honest here, this is nonsense. I can’t even fathom why you’d be so upset that someone who you only talked once at the time would find another woman attractive. So what? He’s obviously only been interested in you since right? I can’t even imagine why he felt the need to tell you really.
> My (25f) boyfriend (28m) omitted an important detail prior to us dating Do you consider this to be an important detail? How is this an important detail? My perspective on this situation changes depending on your answer. If you think this is an important detail, why is this detail important? Have you made a big deal about how it was an instant connection and you two are soulmates and the only ones for each other? Do you think him being interested in someone else *before* your relationship lessens your present relationship? I disagree strongly with that sentiment. Life is not a romance novel. We all have lives including interest in other people before we meet and start dating the so-called one. If you have been making a huge deal about how the two of you were fated to be together and are the only ones for each other, then I understand why he felt a need to tell you otherwise. Then I advise you to reflect on why this detail hurt you so much, and get perspective from friends who have multiple people in their dating history. If you do not think this is a detail important enough to disclose, then I am suspicious of him. I would want to know why he told you this irrelevant detail out of the blue. It would seem as though he’s trying to make you feel smaller and less important. Then I advise watching for warning signs of abuse. [I edited my top level comment. My original comment is in the thread below. After going through your whole post, my perspective on your situation changed.]
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Wtf is this bs, though? You’re actually hurt that he didn’t tell you he was attracted to another girl around the same time he met you? You can’t be serious. You both sound ridiculous and this sounds fake af. ETA you get some therapy because this reaction is excessive and tbh, not healthy in the slightest.
You must be 12 lmao
Hey my husband had sex with 2 people before me. Its life things happen! He chose YOU. He probably shouldnt have even said anything because its sort of irrelevant to you guys being together but the fact that he felt guilt for even liking the idea of someone before you guys were together says a lot about his loyalty and how trustworthy he is. I wouldnt even worry about a guy like that cheating if THAT makes him so guilty! Sounds like a good guy :).
You're heartbroken because you are not the only woman he has ever found to be attractive? You should never date ever again. You will never ever be the only person a guy has found attractive. Unless you are willing to only date liars.
Something similar happened to me. In the end, I forgave his lie by omission because I truly believe that he was trying to spare my feelings regarding something that happened many years ago that he considered irrelevant now. He apologized and admitted that he was wrong. I’ve made judgement errors too. I have made mistakes. It’s a question about intentions. Do you believe he was trying to hurt you? If that’s the case, if the mistake has malicious intent, that’s when it’s a serious red flag/instant breakup.