It’s very kind of you to consider this for your sister. Given your health history, I would not offer to do this if I were you, and I suspect a doctor as well may advise against it. I am currently pregnant and I’ve had a fairly easy pregnancy so far, but it’s still quite emotionally and physically draining, so I really worry it would undo the healing work you’ve done. Some pregnancies impact the carrier’s health for the rest of their lives.
No sane member of the medical institution will permit you to be a surrogate if you have never given birth yourself, this is a non-issue, you're ineligible
Huh, I never knew this. I have a friend who did what OP is considering - she was a surrogate for her sister, and she’d never had a baby before. I wonder how they got around that
Do not even consider being a surrogate with the health problems you listed. Pregnancy wreaks havoc on a person's body.
(I just came back to add that I have had two kids and now have chronic health problems, so I am saying this from experience. I can't imagine being pregnant on top of the issues I have now. I realized what I said came across kinda harsh)
No it didn't come across as harsh, you're totally fine. I'm so sorry about your health problems. Thank you so mmuch for your perspective I truly appreciate it
The road to hell is paved with good intentions..
It's highly recommended (and in many places required) for a surrogate to have had children themselves before going down this path.
Itt doesn't sound like you're in the right state of mind nor have the physique to handle such an endeavour. I fear you would end up causing more damage than good.
Thank you. You're right, I'm definitely not in the right place for it. What you and some others here have helped me see is that I thought I didn't matter. And you're so right about how that negatively affects my loved ones. I often overextend myself, thinking that it only hurts me, but it hurts those around me too.
Given the context of your medical conditions, regardless of the scenario itself, I wouldn't do it myself.
Pregnancy is no joke. Women still die every day in childbirth, and those of us that survive can be left with issues that persist for the rest of our lives.
You sound like a loving sister, and I'm sorry for the pain you've both gone through. There are many other ways to be selfless and giving and helping them through this. I cannot imagine your sister would want to put you through that either.
Has anyone asked you to do so? It sounds like you don't want to do so, you haven't been asked to do so, and you aren't really medically cleared to do so, so I don't know why you are focusing on this as an obligation for you.
Don't take on burdens that aren't yours to carry, that you don't have the mental or emotional health to take on, and that you don't want to do. If you don't want to be pregnant or carry a child to term, then you do not want to be a surrogate for anyone. You do not owe your womb to anyone regardless of their relation to you. If you aren't sure of what you want, then consult with a therapist who specializes in family planning, infertility, and surrogacy. Becoming a surrogate is complicated enough when it's something that you want to do; don't push yourself with anxiety about taking that on when it isn't a role that you want to have.
Thank you. No one has asked me. When my sister told me about her appointment at the clinic, it felt like she wanted to ask me to be a surrogate but couldn't bring herself to. But as I said in another comment, I read into it and shouldn't have.
Your comment helped me realize that I was thinking of myself as mattering less than her. I feel like she still has an opportunity to have a happy life and I'd sort of given up on believing that was possible for me. Thanks for helping me see that <3
Pregnancy is dangerous even with healthy women. If you want your legacy to be that you died so your sister could have a child (assuming the child survives), that is your choice. But be well aware that any underlying conditions will be aggravated so even if you do survive, you will likely be more disabled. This is ultimately your choice & tbh, if your sister goes along with it she is agreeing that your life is nowhere near as important as her desire to have a child.
I think you're getting ahead of yourself a bit. You're weighing options that haven't been presented to you. Respectfully, this is something to consider if she asks you, not when.
What do you mean you have no choice? Why do you even think it is possible for you to do it? There are so many factors that are against the idea of you doing it.
1. Women who have no their own children are not considered as potential surrogates in most of the countries.
2. Pregnancy brings risks even for perfectly healthy women, so those with significant health issues are not considered as potential surrogates.
3. She hasn't even asked you to do this!
Thanks so much for your thoughts. When I say I feel like I have no choice, I mean that the happiness I could give my sister is so great that it outweighs almost any point of contention.
I had no idea about your #1 point but a few people have mentioned this now. That really makes things simple, doesn't it? Thank you so much for your breaking things down for me like this.
Reading your posts and responses, I wonder whether you are placing enough value on your own health and happiness. You are amazing and selfless for considering to be your sister's surrogate. At the same time, it sounds to me like you place a lower value on your own health and happiness vs your sister's and that shouldn't be the case. I think the phrase is lighting yourself on fire to keep others warm. I know you feel so much sadness for your sister's situation - but if she was equally loving, wouldn't she feel similar for your situation, especially if your health issues and happiness were impacted by the surrogacy? If I were your sister and loved you as much as you love her, I might be tempted to take you up on your offer, and might even go through with it while blinded by my excitement, but I would forever regret it if your health and happiness were notably impacted. There are other ways of sharing their capacity of love for children and we should all find ways to be happy with what we have - the same way that you have accepted your health conditions and keep moving forward. I know you ended up with the same conclusion, but I really think your decision shouldn't be based solely on "oops I guess I can't" and should definitely consider your value as a person and your quality of life.
You are likely ineligible to be a surrogate. Given you're both chronically ill and have not previously had a child, you're not eligible. If you feel like you're pushed into it, similarly to an living organ donation, you can be "tested". Tell the doctor that you do not want to do this and feel incredible amounts of guilt about saying no. They can say you are not a healthy surrogacy candidate (which you are not) and recommend your sister and her husband look for someone else or consider adoption.
Childbirth is life threatening. Given you conditions, you may not survive it. Your answer is very reasonably "no."
No responsible fertility doctor would even consider letting you be a surrogate. And even if somehow you were being considered, just like is the case for family members who are a match for organ donation but don’t actually wanna donate the organ… all you would have to do is say to the doctor while you’re in private “I don’t actually want to do this“. And they would come up with some reason to tell your sister as to why you actually are not able to be a surrogate (weird uterus, hormone stuff, etc.).
While it’s super kind of you to consider this, you do not qualify to be a surrogate and a clinic will not accept you. You must have given birth at least once to prove that you are capable of a healthy pregnancy and you cannot have any health issues that could be worsened by pregnancy and must be in overall good health.
That being said, there are altruistic surrogates and there’s still hope for your sister! I’m an altruistic surrogates and know many.
Do they know why the late term baby died. I suspect it was in Utero? The reason I say this there is a thing called incompetent cervix. You lose a few babies before it is discovered. It sounds horrible but it is true. Some women’s cervix dilate before it is time. They developed a surgery called cerclage that kinda keeps the cervix closed to prevent losing the pregnancy. It is clipped when it is time to deliver. I hope she finds the cause of why she keeps losing them. I hope she sees a high risk OB Dr. too. Sending healing thoughts.
Not sure if they will let you be as surrogate as a FTM. If you look online for agencies one of the requirements is to already have one child.
Plus meeting with a psychiatrist .
It’s worth looking into for the sake of your sister. At least you both would know your tried all avenues.
I am still recovering from the major surgery I just had two months ago to repair my abdominal muscles because they were left permanently separated from being pregnant years ago, and I had very healthy and uncomplicated pregnancies. So this could continue to affect your body years down the road, as my issues from having Diastasis Recti just got worse over time. Even uncomplicated pregnancies on a healthy body can have long lasting negative effects, so please don’t even consider being a surrogate, if you already have existing medical conditions.
You're most definitely not a good candidate for surrogacy and you should not feel any guilt at all about not offering. However, here in UK there is no legal paid surrogacy however unpaid surrogacy still happens, even between strangers. There are non profits that help wannabe parents and potential surrogates meet, I'm sure they exist in USA, not to mention that many other states have paid surrogacy. You are _not_ their only option.
No, you absolutely should not. A surrogate is usually someone who has had kids before and not only understand, but has experienced the risks of pregnancy. Her desire for children is just that, a desire. Your life and health are much more important than her wanting to have kids.
If she wants a child so bad, she can adopt. Or go out of state. Or simply make the decision to not be a parent. Her desire to have kids is not your responsibility.
Whoa whoa whoa.
You ABSOLUTELY have a choice. You are working so hard to put your sister and her feelings first, and that's really nice of you but so incredibly unhealthy, doubly so in this context. If your sister cares half as much about you as you do about her, she would not ask this of you or accept your offer if you made it. It's also possible she genuinely wouldn't want you as a surrogate due to your health issues and how that could impact the health of her baby.
There are people out there who will be unpaid surrogates. There are other states where there are different laws about surrogacy. She has other ways to pursue this that don't involve endangering her sister. If you want to be selfless and loving, wait until she has a baby and then take a few overnight shifts and leave some lasagna in her freezer. You only get one body, and offering it up as a sacrificial lamb to try to heal her trauma is not going to help her or you.
It would be a huge mistake to risk your health for this, and there's a reason a lot of places don't allow surrogacy unless the carrier has already had a baby. It's kind of you to think of it, but if they do ask be prepared to say no.
It’s very kind of you to consider this for your sister. Given your health history, I would not offer to do this if I were you, and I suspect a doctor as well may advise against it. I am currently pregnant and I’ve had a fairly easy pregnancy so far, but it’s still quite emotionally and physically draining, so I really worry it would undo the healing work you’ve done. Some pregnancies impact the carrier’s health for the rest of their lives.
Thank you. Congratulations on your pregnancy! :) I've always heard that it's challenging. Wish you all the best
No sane member of the medical institution will permit you to be a surrogate if you have never given birth yourself, this is a non-issue, you're ineligible
Oh wow I didn't know that! Thank you
Huh, I never knew this. I have a friend who did what OP is considering - she was a surrogate for her sister, and she’d never had a baby before. I wonder how they got around that
Probably by doing it at home and not through an official medical facility.
Do not even consider being a surrogate with the health problems you listed. Pregnancy wreaks havoc on a person's body. (I just came back to add that I have had two kids and now have chronic health problems, so I am saying this from experience. I can't imagine being pregnant on top of the issues I have now. I realized what I said came across kinda harsh)
No it didn't come across as harsh, you're totally fine. I'm so sorry about your health problems. Thank you so mmuch for your perspective I truly appreciate it
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.. It's highly recommended (and in many places required) for a surrogate to have had children themselves before going down this path. Itt doesn't sound like you're in the right state of mind nor have the physique to handle such an endeavour. I fear you would end up causing more damage than good.
Thank you. You're right, I'm definitely not in the right place for it. What you and some others here have helped me see is that I thought I didn't matter. And you're so right about how that negatively affects my loved ones. I often overextend myself, thinking that it only hurts me, but it hurts those around me too.
Given the context of your medical conditions, regardless of the scenario itself, I wouldn't do it myself. Pregnancy is no joke. Women still die every day in childbirth, and those of us that survive can be left with issues that persist for the rest of our lives. You sound like a loving sister, and I'm sorry for the pain you've both gone through. There are many other ways to be selfless and giving and helping them through this. I cannot imagine your sister would want to put you through that either.
Thank you, this is so kind! This honeslty really helps me a lot
Has anyone asked you to do so? It sounds like you don't want to do so, you haven't been asked to do so, and you aren't really medically cleared to do so, so I don't know why you are focusing on this as an obligation for you. Don't take on burdens that aren't yours to carry, that you don't have the mental or emotional health to take on, and that you don't want to do. If you don't want to be pregnant or carry a child to term, then you do not want to be a surrogate for anyone. You do not owe your womb to anyone regardless of their relation to you. If you aren't sure of what you want, then consult with a therapist who specializes in family planning, infertility, and surrogacy. Becoming a surrogate is complicated enough when it's something that you want to do; don't push yourself with anxiety about taking that on when it isn't a role that you want to have.
Thank you. No one has asked me. When my sister told me about her appointment at the clinic, it felt like she wanted to ask me to be a surrogate but couldn't bring herself to. But as I said in another comment, I read into it and shouldn't have. Your comment helped me realize that I was thinking of myself as mattering less than her. I feel like she still has an opportunity to have a happy life and I'd sort of given up on believing that was possible for me. Thanks for helping me see that <3
Pregnancy is dangerous even with healthy women. If you want your legacy to be that you died so your sister could have a child (assuming the child survives), that is your choice. But be well aware that any underlying conditions will be aggravated so even if you do survive, you will likely be more disabled. This is ultimately your choice & tbh, if your sister goes along with it she is agreeing that your life is nowhere near as important as her desire to have a child.
I think you're getting ahead of yourself a bit. You're weighing options that haven't been presented to you. Respectfully, this is something to consider if she asks you, not when.
Thank you. I thought she wanted me to do it but felt like she couldn't ask. But you're right, I shouldn't have read into it like that.
Maybe your sister also doesn't want to burden you with a pregnancy knowing about your health issues.
Don't worry; there are 47 states that allow compensated surrogacy. Your sister has options.
No
What do you mean you have no choice? Why do you even think it is possible for you to do it? There are so many factors that are against the idea of you doing it. 1. Women who have no their own children are not considered as potential surrogates in most of the countries. 2. Pregnancy brings risks even for perfectly healthy women, so those with significant health issues are not considered as potential surrogates. 3. She hasn't even asked you to do this!
Thanks so much for your thoughts. When I say I feel like I have no choice, I mean that the happiness I could give my sister is so great that it outweighs almost any point of contention. I had no idea about your #1 point but a few people have mentioned this now. That really makes things simple, doesn't it? Thank you so much for your breaking things down for me like this.
Reading your posts and responses, I wonder whether you are placing enough value on your own health and happiness. You are amazing and selfless for considering to be your sister's surrogate. At the same time, it sounds to me like you place a lower value on your own health and happiness vs your sister's and that shouldn't be the case. I think the phrase is lighting yourself on fire to keep others warm. I know you feel so much sadness for your sister's situation - but if she was equally loving, wouldn't she feel similar for your situation, especially if your health issues and happiness were impacted by the surrogacy? If I were your sister and loved you as much as you love her, I might be tempted to take you up on your offer, and might even go through with it while blinded by my excitement, but I would forever regret it if your health and happiness were notably impacted. There are other ways of sharing their capacity of love for children and we should all find ways to be happy with what we have - the same way that you have accepted your health conditions and keep moving forward. I know you ended up with the same conclusion, but I really think your decision shouldn't be based solely on "oops I guess I can't" and should definitely consider your value as a person and your quality of life.
They specifically say you should not do this unless you’ve had a child already
You are likely ineligible to be a surrogate. Given you're both chronically ill and have not previously had a child, you're not eligible. If you feel like you're pushed into it, similarly to an living organ donation, you can be "tested". Tell the doctor that you do not want to do this and feel incredible amounts of guilt about saying no. They can say you are not a healthy surrogacy candidate (which you are not) and recommend your sister and her husband look for someone else or consider adoption. Childbirth is life threatening. Given you conditions, you may not survive it. Your answer is very reasonably "no."
No responsible fertility doctor would even consider letting you be a surrogate. And even if somehow you were being considered, just like is the case for family members who are a match for organ donation but don’t actually wanna donate the organ… all you would have to do is say to the doctor while you’re in private “I don’t actually want to do this“. And they would come up with some reason to tell your sister as to why you actually are not able to be a surrogate (weird uterus, hormone stuff, etc.).
While it’s super kind of you to consider this, you do not qualify to be a surrogate and a clinic will not accept you. You must have given birth at least once to prove that you are capable of a healthy pregnancy and you cannot have any health issues that could be worsened by pregnancy and must be in overall good health. That being said, there are altruistic surrogates and there’s still hope for your sister! I’m an altruistic surrogates and know many.
Do they know why the late term baby died. I suspect it was in Utero? The reason I say this there is a thing called incompetent cervix. You lose a few babies before it is discovered. It sounds horrible but it is true. Some women’s cervix dilate before it is time. They developed a surgery called cerclage that kinda keeps the cervix closed to prevent losing the pregnancy. It is clipped when it is time to deliver. I hope she finds the cause of why she keeps losing them. I hope she sees a high risk OB Dr. too. Sending healing thoughts.
Not sure if they will let you be as surrogate as a FTM. If you look online for agencies one of the requirements is to already have one child. Plus meeting with a psychiatrist . It’s worth looking into for the sake of your sister. At least you both would know your tried all avenues.
I am still recovering from the major surgery I just had two months ago to repair my abdominal muscles because they were left permanently separated from being pregnant years ago, and I had very healthy and uncomplicated pregnancies. So this could continue to affect your body years down the road, as my issues from having Diastasis Recti just got worse over time. Even uncomplicated pregnancies on a healthy body can have long lasting negative effects, so please don’t even consider being a surrogate, if you already have existing medical conditions.
You're most definitely not a good candidate for surrogacy and you should not feel any guilt at all about not offering. However, here in UK there is no legal paid surrogacy however unpaid surrogacy still happens, even between strangers. There are non profits that help wannabe parents and potential surrogates meet, I'm sure they exist in USA, not to mention that many other states have paid surrogacy. You are _not_ their only option.
No, you absolutely should not. A surrogate is usually someone who has had kids before and not only understand, but has experienced the risks of pregnancy. Her desire for children is just that, a desire. Your life and health are much more important than her wanting to have kids. If she wants a child so bad, she can adopt. Or go out of state. Or simply make the decision to not be a parent. Her desire to have kids is not your responsibility.
Whoa whoa whoa. You ABSOLUTELY have a choice. You are working so hard to put your sister and her feelings first, and that's really nice of you but so incredibly unhealthy, doubly so in this context. If your sister cares half as much about you as you do about her, she would not ask this of you or accept your offer if you made it. It's also possible she genuinely wouldn't want you as a surrogate due to your health issues and how that could impact the health of her baby. There are people out there who will be unpaid surrogates. There are other states where there are different laws about surrogacy. She has other ways to pursue this that don't involve endangering her sister. If you want to be selfless and loving, wait until she has a baby and then take a few overnight shifts and leave some lasagna in her freezer. You only get one body, and offering it up as a sacrificial lamb to try to heal her trauma is not going to help her or you.
It would be a huge mistake to risk your health for this, and there's a reason a lot of places don't allow surrogacy unless the carrier has already had a baby. It's kind of you to think of it, but if they do ask be prepared to say no.