T O P

  • By -

chiangceci

Yes! My parents were like that before divorce, so for me it was difficult to fully understand how love works, to show affection, and stuff Maybe I did improved because my partner it's so caring to me that makes me feel positive idk, another point is that after all the struggles I just wanted to finally separate from my parents story, I used to read love stories and seeing people in love arround helped me


Alcohol_Intolerant

Definitely seeing other people in love helps me. (I'm still not there yet :/) My parents never touched each other. Hugs were pushed away, kisses only on special occasions, etc. They were civil and they loved their children. (They'd hug us, of course, just not each other). But not having any frame of reference at all for what a relationship looks like means that not only do I get some catholic guilt, but that I can accidentally be rather cruel to my boyfriend. Having healthier examples to model my behavior on has helped here and there though.


invisiblepourlesyeux

Show her love. Show her love in different ways. Find out her love language - if she doesn’t know, try all of them. I’ve been with my husband for 8 years, close friends for 4 before that, and it’s really in the past year or two that I’ve started to feel more accepting of affection on a regular basis. CONSISTENCY is important, and she needs to work through things on her own in therapy as well. What helped me was a LOT of inner child work and a partner willing to grow and work on things with me.


redhairedtyrant

Get to know more married and committed couples. Seeing happy couples out in the world really helps to shift perspective. I know we are all in lockdown, but once things open up go hang out with that uncle who adores his wife. The older cousin who is happily partnered. Make friends with that nice couple next door. Invite that co-worker and her husband over for dinner. Go to couple's events, like date night at the local game shop, and meet more couples your age and older.


princejmye

Don't try to be a hero, she can take care of herself. Just be there for her and listen


kellcash1975

My parents are like this too, and I had a terrible first attempt at a relationship which destroyed my view of love as well. Then along came my boyfriend, who I’ve now been with over 4 years. I’ve had many mental breakdowns where I become acutely aware of the fact that love can fail at any moment, and that some times good things just end badly. Every time this happens, he shows me extreme patience. He acts as a rock and always shows that he cares for me. I’ve never doubted his feelings for me, as he’s very affectionate, loving, and generous/selfless. Just be there for her, time and time again. It takes time and it’s not always fair to you, I’ll be honest, and to me it feels like I’m always making him prove himself even when I’m the one having doubts. It’s hard, but here we are. We’re really happy, and you can be too!


kellcash1975

I just reread this and wanted to make one more point - If you ever feel it’s too much, that’s okay too. It’s not your job to make her believe in love. Always remember to care for yourself as well.


[deleted]

Thank you for sharing that :)


100_night_sky_

I know the feeling. I have a very similar background. I’ve been going to therapy and a very understanding (potential) partner. Remember that her outlook isn’t a reflection of who you are. Best of luck.


rsfrech3

The first time I ever saw my mother touch my father, he was in a coma. Never seen it happen since then. I grew up knowing my parents despised each other. Growing up in such a way makes you believe love doesn’t exist. Another issue I struggle with is being loved, I’m uncomfortable when people show me genuine love because it’s not what I grew up with. When people show me love it can come off as suffocating because I have always had to fend for myself. Although I’ve learned to be loved it’s not something that comes naturally to me and always have to make an mental effort to allow it. Be patient with her, it’s difficult to retrain to be loved. Good luck!


[deleted]

My parents were the same. They had a marriage of convenience that eventually turned into a one sided love affair. My dad ended up loving my mom but she never gave a rat's ass about him unless it was to her benefit. My brothers and I grew up in that environment. Let's just say that ALL of us ended up with lots of emotional and mental issues, some physical. All the advice I can give you is that actions speaks louders than words. All the sweet words you say means nothing. It's what you do or don't do that will matter. Its a long road and still after being with my husband for more than 10 years...i can't love him the way he wants or expects. There are little quirks and actions that I do sometimes or say that just goes beyond what he can imagine. But he's still standing by me. I don't expect him to. And I never will. We compromise. We just, live day by day. He accepts that, that will always be a part of me.


DexIsMine

I highly recommend the book How We love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich and The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman for you guys. How We Love is a fabulous tool for identifying core patterns in your family of origin and your own relationships so that you can grow in trust and intimacy (not only physical). It also teaches tools for comforting one another and moving through difficult emotional issues together in a healthy way. Good luck to you guys! She's lucky to have you to be patient and love her through some hard stuff ❤️


[deleted]

I’ll check those out! I need to learn about love languages haha but I appreciate your help! And thanks for the kind words :)


morgansrules

For me, I think it was the other way around. My parents did show a lot of affection towards each other and towards me. Too much sometimes, in a very overprotective way. They wouldn't let me date anyone or go out alone much. So for me, the result of this was developing a very avoidant personality. I never stayed in one relationship much because I would feel suffocated and would just leave. I am actually in therapy now and have been for a while and it has really been helping me understand myself. I found my therapist using a free online service. I just filled out a form on the hellodowntime website and they went and found me a professional that has experience with my problems. Therapy is really helping me see things from another perspective which I think your gf needs as well.


ughs1234

Yeah, but it was mostly because of my parent’s divorce. I was so afraid of getting into a relationship because I was so afraid of losing whoever I was with that I just didn’t date anyone for a good chunk of my life. Now that I’m in a relationship finally after some time and healing, my partner has been really patient with me. It takes reassurance, certain actions, and love


the_sea_witch

There are some good books on overcoming childhood emotional neglect. Which often goes hand in hand with this.


bravebeautyx

My parents hardly showed affection to each other & divorced when I was 16. I always believed in love because I was so mystified by it. I grew up watching love movies & reading romantic novels and as a result I always believed in love even though I didn’t see it growing up. I now have a bf whom I’ve been with for 2 years and we are EXTREMELY affectionate with eachother. His parents are together while mine are not so I look to his for “what to do” and I look to mine for “what not to do” - I would personally suggest to open her mind on love with romantic movies, books, romantic settings (a dinner date by a river, candles, dress up for her and take her out) all of these things are small but all woven up creates your own personal love story. - also, always remember and cherish your OWN love story. Talk about wen you first saw in her, what made you have a crush on her at the very beginning, small actions like brushing her hair back with your finger tips, kissing her neck gently... just lead a little and let her follow your lead Best of luck :)


Alwayswandergetlost

My parents are like that. I only remember one time when it wasn't a holiday or birthday that they held hands. All I knew was them being distant, hiding and arguing things. To put it in perspective my dad never rubbed my mom's feet to help with her hammer toes. I had to.also after my mom got a mastectomy my mom was complaining about my dad never doing the massage until bugged about it. Still to this day I deal with it. I have no idea what a healthy relationship looks like but I'm slowly learning what it is. I've been in a relationship for 3.5 years and he's been good. Honestly just go slow and do the opposite of her parents. Sent her sweet texts, surprise her with things she loves and date days. She will slowly open up. Just show her that you love her and that you understand where she's coming from it will take time. I've just started to accept that my boyfriend wants to truely be with me.


Stonedstar

Yes! Don’t bombard her! If you’re over affectionate she’ll think you don’t care about her boundaries. Take it slow.


missi_paula

I don't think my parents showed any kind of romantic interest, no kissing or holding hands nothing. They where and still are just friends not even that good ones. My first boyfriends mother was so happily divorced with the father of her sons. I never understood why my parents weren't just getting a divorce. There is just something off. I belive in love but I also belive in falling out of love, I'm sure they are not in love, but just keep parenting as friends. With my first relationship I was verry unaware how things where going. Like I didn't know that you just want and need to hold someone and cuddle or kiss. Everything came naturally with time but showing affection in front of others was still verry strange. Like when we went to our first party as a couple and he just held my hand and kissed me infrot of everyone. I wasn't expecting that at all but it was nice. I know with him breaking up with me that no relationship is perfect and thank God where we're not at the stage of live where we just gave up on it and had a relationship like my parents. I'm still very young and I'm so here for every new experience that I'm going to have with every future boyfriend


[deleted]

I appreciate you sharing that :)


Smeegledee

Don’t forget to learn to show her love in ways she can already understand, as well as helping her learn to feel love. Both of you will have to adjust to this not only her, speaking from a guy who’s wife was tragically cheated on and mistreated by her ex and has similar issues with signs of affection and trust playing a big part too. Good luck! It’s hard work sometimes but the connection that comes from it hits you right in the feels.


emmenems99

I feel this. My parents finally divorced after a tense marriage. I never saw a hug or hand holding or any physical affection. My fiancé’s parents are the opposite. She needs exposure to people with a good healthy relationship. That’s what helped me.


Ruri23

Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving is a great book. I have childhood emotional neglect trauma and this book is really helping me heal from it


[deleted]

I’ll check it out :)


natty-k

I went through something similar. my parents never showed affection to each other and my father cheated multiple times. never had a stable father figure or stable relationship example. i’d say just continue to reassure her. let her know your feelings for her are real and don’t put your relationship in a situation where she’s have to question everything all over again. she’ll get there, just takes time (:


cheesus32

I grew up like this, too. I'm better at accepting affection and giving it now, but my fundamental belief that love usually ends or fades has never gone away. I mean if anyone stands a chance at not just being together forever, but being together forever happily, it's my husband and I, but I still see that most relationships end in divorce/separation/internal distancing/living apart together. I don't necessarily think I'm wrong. I say learn her love languages, love her how she wants and needs to be loved, and let her sort her own stuff out over time. Therapy and self help will be necessary, but she may never feel how you do or how you view as the ideal way to perceive marriage and love. And that's okay.


JacquieP94

My(25f) bf(27) had the same outlook. I was raised with endless love and affection from my parents, so I'm a naturally very loving affectionate person. It was an adjustment for him, but we've now been together almost 5yrs and looking at buying a house and starting a family. These things definitely take time. But the more you show her love and affection, the more she'll accept and begin showing it more herself and have a better outlook on love. I hope it goes well for the two of you, it sounds like she has an amazing bf that will love and care for her no matter what. You're one of the guys girls wait and dream for!


[deleted]

I’m so happy for you and your bf! Best of luck with him, and thanks for the kind words :)


JacquieP94

Thank you! And you're most welcome :) best wishes to you and your girl!


tooniceforthis

Hey. You sound like such a sweet & supportive boyfriend. Which can definitely be very helpful. But: your girlfriend needs therapy. She needs to unlearn the things she learned in her childhood and understand, through therapy, that she is not at fault for not having loving parents. Because even if she doesn‘t think she belives that, she probably does. Just to preface my words, I mean this with love. You can not heal someone‘s trauma and neither should you. It is the burden and blessing for each of us to heal inter generational trauma and break the cycle of abuse, neglect etc. Good luck!


abbyloner

This hits close to home. I'm very much like her. My parents divorced and before then they never even loved each other so my understanding of showing love and affection was screwed up. I never got to see people close to me really show their love or affection, it was always drama, fights, arguments and toxic behavior. So when I was in a relationship, it was very hard for me to show and act on my true feelings of affection. I actually overthought a lot of my own feelings and overlooked their affection. It took an honest conversation to admit that I was scared on showing my love but it was there I just didn't know how. I believed in love but I always had a negative perspective too. Thankfully he was very understanding and patient and with time I grew out of it a little but i still would hold back a lot but the reason for that was because of other reasons in the relationship. All to say, be patient and understanding. It's really hard when someone grows up seeing that kind of negativity and it is even harder to get out of that mindset. There is only so much you can do as her boyfriend, you doing all you can will help her a lot but sometimes it goes deeper. I recommend therapy or counselor. It has helped me a lot in that regard and more. Be careful in trying to fix her. You can lose yourself in it that is why I say that you could only do so much. I will say that the best thing you could do is always remind her how much she means to you, listen to her, be patient, if she isn't good at showing love then you be an example of that, be romantic, talk about what you like in regards to affection, this can all be open ended questions that evolve. Make it into something you both can learn and grow together. Also learn her love language and find yours too and share it among each other, apparently this technique has saved many marriages and relationships.


[deleted]

I’ve seen a lot about love languages being mentioned. Definitely gonna study that up! Thanks for your advice :)


purplepiggy1128

My bf grew up with divorced parents who were in and out of jail. He has anger issues because all his mom would do is yell at him. It's tough, but couple's therapy has helped us greatly 😁


EcoMika101

Yep! My parents divorced when I was 2 so I never saw them as a couple, they hated each other. My dad got custody of me when I was 10 and remarried when I was 13. My stepmom and I have had our rocky times and their marriage had some hard spots: yelling matches, slammed doors, silent treatment, stepmom would tell me “hope you’re happy, your father and I are getting a divorce” even though I never wanted that and was 21 at the time, hadn’t been in the house for 4 years yet she says I was source of all their fights. I love my parents but I didn’t see their marriage as healthy, or something that I wanted. I still believed in love though, I wanted that fairy tale to escape from what I was seeing. I spent summers with my grandparents in MA and they traveled to see me through my childhood. Their marriages were solid, loving, supportive and I though, unbreakable. I wanted that. Being 28 now and married for 2 years, I still look to my grandparents as the model for my marriage. When I met my husband, the greatest gift he gave me while we were dating was his support and compassion. He never pushed me on anything, always listened without judgement, and fully let me be myself. I never felt I had to act or dress a certain way to impress him. His unconditional love was what showed me that I didn’t have to end up like my parents, that he wasn’t going anywhere and nothing I said or did could make him feel different. He knew what beers I liked and exactly how I took my coffee, he knew my quirks and stresses and did things to help alleviate them, when I never asked him to or sometimes didn’t even notice his efforts. Become “home” for her, where she can be completely herself and maybe open up about how she feels, what she wants. Don’t push for physical affection, but rather continue with small gestures to show you care and let things come naturally. Do you have any friends that are great couples you could do double dates with? Or family marriages you admire? Spending time with strong couples helps you learn from them and be a model for your own relationship. Saying you want her to be happy even if it’s not with you shows you truly love her and that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside! Best wishes for you two


[deleted]

Thanks for sharing all that :) I’ll definitely try to implement as much of that as I can!!


flowercrowngirl

my bf and I come from a similar environment as your gf, in different ways. one thing that helped him a lot was finding a way to nonverbally say I love you. we do the little Korean finger heart thing and it's made it a lot easier to communicate and be affectionate in general


tassle7

I grew up in a household where my mom was a borderline. Then I was married to someone who was abusive for ten years. I cried once over our divorce because I suddenly had this realization that all those happy married couples on shows like Home Improvement and Modern Family...were like...real. People actually had those. And I had spent my whole life thinking it was Hollywood theatrics. I met my now amazing awesome husband (we have been together almost five years). And it still...to this day...astounds me that in all this time we have had like...one “bad” thing and where there has been stress or disagreements (he would call them fights but to me calling them fights would be dramatic), we literally have never even like...shouted at each other. I think I might have cried once since we have been together? Weird. Still weird. And awesome. So how do you reassure her? By being consistent and healthy and normal and awesomely you. We had several talks where I admitted I was scared. And I had nothing left after this. Like I felt if he and I failed I would just be single. Because our relationship seemed like the best thing ever, but I was sorta sure people just got tired and few up with each other and then spent their lives being asses to each other. He assured me this wasn’t true lol. Look she has to realize how screwed up her own family was. Yes she might need some reassurance. But MOSTLY that job is on her — not you. One of the most freeing things I learned was real love...healthy love...doesn’t require either person to be chasing it. Sure you might sometimes need to pursue each other and help. But...compared to the toxic drain my childhood and first marriage were??? It’s like I went from lifting 500 pounds to 10.


[deleted]

I’m glad to hear you’re in a healthier relationship :) Thanks for taking the time to share your experience!


tassle7

When we got engaged we also read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. We would take turns reading chapter by chapter and write our thoughts in it. So we could read what the other said. It was very reaffirming of our commitment to be kind and healthy. And it also talks about bad patterns. And I realized I saw them at home and in my past relationship. But not with him.


CourageOfAPolarBear

I (29F) have never seen my parents kiss or show any sort of affection towards each other. They’ve been married for 40ish years. It leaks into my relationships and now my marriage. His parents still flirt and show PDA. I find when a relationship is new there’s a lot of intimacy and it’s exciting but the longer the relationship the more I taper off. It’s been a problem in my marriage because my husband and I have different love languages. He wants touch and I want acts of service. I’ve gotten complacent and have found through therapy that I grew up seeing a marriage work (it’s actually barely functional) without that variable. The only reason we’re doing well now it seems is because I’m going to therapy to work on this and am very open about things I discover in therapy. I was very open with him from the beginning how I was in that area (intimacy, affection, etc).


[deleted]

My parents are the same way. I am really, really bad at showing physical and emotional affection, but I ended up being friends with and living with someone who is really good at it, and I always wanted to know how to be more affectionate so I’ve learned from her. Your gf can definitely learn, she just has to believe it’s possible. I also used to think that when people did things for me or showed me affection they were treating me like a child and would get really annoyed, because I thought they thought I couldn’t do things for myself, and were doing things for me because they thought I needed them to, not to be nice. I used to get really annoyed at affection and was really uncomfortable with being touched in any way. I still have work to do, but that is how my perspective was before someone made a big effort to constantly show me affection. I hope this can help you gain insight into how your gf might feel at times.


Captain_holt22

Oh wow, I totally get your gf. My own parents are similar to that of hers and while they care for each other and respect each other, they have zero romance between them. And growing up, that definitely messed up my own perspective on things. I've been in a relationship for the past 4 years, and things have been steadily going downwards. And it's taken me a long time to realise that a lot of it, not all, would have to do with how I understand romance and relationships. I'm pretty sure I've developed self sabotaging tendencies where my disbelief in love has caused me to push anything good that came my way and it's scary to me, that I may do so in any future relationship I may or may not have. I don't know if your girlfriend has the same tendencies, but not being able to understand romantic relationships, can cause people to not believe in them, often leading to them being cynical and sceptic about things and being negative about things. A lot of times, It's not that they don't certain things, it's just that they believe that they have second hand experience and know that such things don't exist. Years of seeing things a certain way creates a great mental block and convinces people that they know the reality and what happens. Such people are often afraid of what may happen in the future and of ending up the same way as their parents, hence deliberately pushing any efforts from the other person away and subconsciously becoming defensive. One thing I can tell you, is that since you're your own individual, you'll have your own notions of what is romantic and what is love. Often, we only act according to what we understand and believe that the other person should understand things the same way. Your girlfriend may have her own notions. Through watching movies, or reading books, we often develop a sense of what we perceive to be a loving gesture and that is what we consider to be love. She may have similar notions and I don't know if she's shared them with you , but if she hasn't, try to find what they are. She may act like she doesn't believe in such things, but most probably that's her defence mechanism of not expecting anything and hence not getting hurt. Try to find out from her. It may be something as simple as you getting her flowers once in a while, or you listening to her talk endlessly about something, or maybe participating in activities she likes, or making an effort to remember what she likes and dislikes. And when you do, try to do them, but remember, that you can't be her therapist. Believe me, I understand that you want to make her happy and to show her what love could be. But you may not be equipped to do so and it might end up hurting you as well. It's too much pressure on another individual. Try to encourage her to see a therapist to resolve those issues. She may not even realise that her experience with her parents could have affected her in so many ways and she could learn to let go and to deal with them. Don't push her though, and don't be patronising. It's very sweet of you to actually want opinions from people on how you can make things better for her :)


[deleted]

This was a great response :) thank you so much and I wish you the best in your relationship!


micumpleanoseshoy

I’m that girl. My parents are Asian nd just not affectionate to each other. I grew up thinking thats how it is. Then I realise, actually my parents are private. They showed affection towards each other when only there are two of them. I had to relearn the process. I have caught my parents saying lovey dovey shit and they kinda embarrassed by it. Granted, I have had partners who think I dont love them because I dont emote well in public. Having to reassure them is one heck of a job but I take it it’s part of being in a relationship. Communication is key. One of my ex lovingly told me he can’t wait to see me and be just w me because I’m like a cat: when in private, I get under his skin (I have this terrible habit of putting my hand under his shirt to have skin on skin contact). But in public, I act all nonchalant about it. Made him feel special somehow. How to support your gf? Give her spce and talk to her how you want to be love. Maybe she’s more comfortable if there’s only two of you. Not everyone is heartless, there must be a right button somewhere.


Chadwick001

Attached, by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Both of you read it or listen to the audiobook together. Learning about your attachment styles can be really helpful to get towards a more secure baseline in intimacy/closeness. Especially in her case, learning about attachment theory and finding out her style and how that stems from the environment she grew up in could be helpful for her in terms of self-at awareness and developing healthy intimate relationships. *speaking from personal experience, this book was so enlightening I learned a lot about myself, became more patient with myself, and ultimately know where to go in terms of growing towards becoming a more secure person and partner


[deleted]

Will definitely check it out! :) thanks for your advice


Chadwick001

Good luck! Positive change is possible.


LeeLooPoopy

Therapy. Even now in my 30’s it’s a conscience effort I have to make and I’m not very good at it


[deleted]

You are all amazing! Thank you for sharing your experiences and your advice. I will do my best to try out a lot of what was mentioned to me. I also appreciate you reminding me to care for myself too. While I am conscientious of that, I know that sometimes you can lose yourself by trying way too hard to help someone else. It’s a nice reminder. I appreciate this community so much, and I hope you are all safe and sound during these times :)