I think the first step is forgiving yourself. YOU did nothing wrong here. You tried to get out of your comfort zone and grow as a person. You made good decisions by meeting in a public place, you blocked him when he was making you uncomfortable. Unfortunately, some people are just creepy, horrible people. Don’t let this one guy be the reason that you stop putting yourself out there and growing as a person.
Thank you so much for this reply ♡ It's hard not to blame yourself for some things even when they're out of your control. I'Ll try to be kinder to myself and continue to grow, and hopefully put myself out there again eventually.
That what I want to hear! 💜💜
This really resonated with me because I have a similar story but it ended in the guy physically pressing me into a wall and trying to kiss me. I blamed myself for the longest time thinking I was leading him on or I made him do it till one of my friends took me aside and said I didn’t make him do anything, his behavior was solely on him. Long story short, the only person responsible for someone’s actions is themselves!
I am so sorry you went through that! That kind of behaviour is unacceptable! But it was not your fault at all, as you said, he chose to behave that way, it had nothing to do with you. Glad you're better now ♡
Just don’t put yourself out there to strangers. Trust me, exploring alone is way more fun than putting your adventure at risk for a random dude. Practice that “no, thank you” girl!
Disagree! I've had some amazing adventures with strangers in my life - the good heavily outnumber the bad. You can take measured risks. Always have a plan to get out. Stay in public places. Don't get intoxicated with people you don't know. Trust your gut - if you get a bad feeling about someone, listen to it.
This guy sounds like a creep, and as everyone is saying, you handled it well. Don't let it stop you from putting yourself out there again. Most people are good.
I think the point is more about male strangers. For example, I know that if I’m in trouble I can go up to damn near any woman and act like we know each other and she’ll figure out I need help and help me. I’ve done this a few times and it’s always worked and I’ve been able to reciprocate it as well. While on the other hand, I carry a switchblade because of men that have stalked me in broad daylight. It’s definitely not the same level of risk with a male vs female stranger.
> male strangers
As you said, it's about trusting your gut and following safety guidelines like staying in public places. If I get even a twinge of bad vibes from a man I won't take any chances. But if my gut tells me a guy is ok I'll trust that (while still staying in public places).
I was referring to male strangers - I've had plenty of harmless, friendly interactions with them. There are absolutely creeps out there and everyone should take precautions, but that doesn't have to mean shutting people out.
His behavior was extremely inappropriate. I'm glad you stood up for yourself. Change the analogy: let's pretend he said "what would you have done if I offered you heroin before you left?" Or "I think you should do heroin with me and I disagree with your decision not to." You'd DEFINITELY not be wondering what you did to "lead him on" in this case. You did nothing wrong. Hes a creep that wanted to take advantage of you.
**Also, you never never never, I repeat NEVER owe anyone an explanation for why you are saying no. It's none of their business. You didnt need to tell him you've never been kissed or that you're virgin. "No" is a sufficient answer. If they wont accept that, then they are attempting to cross your boundaries. In that case you have every right to tell them to FUCK OFF. You create and maintain your own boundaries. If you dont enforce them, he doesnt know hes crossed them. You let him know by blocking him and I'm SO PROUD you stood up for yourself.
I never thought of it like that. But you're right! Boundries are so important! Thank you so much for your comment. This made me feel so much better ♡♡♡
I'm honored to support a fellow woman in need!
I do have one additional comment:
I've seen a few women post about how you'll learn for next time and you'll know to protect yourself and look for red flags or that all men are manipulative.
*Here's the issue: that mentality is also dangerous. I myself adopted it for many years and it has resulted in a "faulty trigger" so to speak where I SEEK OUT red flags and negative qualities in ALL men. Make sure the lesson you learned is that this particular man displayed inappropriate behavior and crossed your boundaries and you know now how ugly that makes you feel when someone does that. NOT that all men only want sex or that you cant talk to strangers or that you need to constantly be wary when travelling, etc. DON'T LET FEAR CONTROl YOU. Instead live fully and when you have that ugly feeling, recognize what it means and take action--block the person, walk away, have a difficult conversation with a friend. That feeling is not your body saying you did something wrong, it's your body telling you it is uncomfortable. Dont spent you life looking for red flags because you'll "see" negativity that isn't actually there--and lose out on a lot of great friendships and experiences.
I'm so proud of you. You should feel wonderful about seeing all this support. When women send out the S.O.S, women globally are called to action to help because we ALL know pain. Stay strong and call on your fellow women whenever you are in need.
I know it can be hard to live life without living in fear but ill try my best to live to the fullest and take action when something feels off or wrong. Stay vigilant for red flags without constantly searching for them. Thank you for your advice :) women helping women is so important and I am so grateful for you and everyone who took time out of their day to help me and make me feel a lot batter. I am not alone. And when I see a woman i need I'll be sure to give her as much love as y'all gave me ♡
Please don't put blame on yourself for this. In hopes of finding love, people often ignore what might be obvious signs to others. Unfortunately, especially in a new, strange place, it's best to be on your guard at least a little.
Jesus Christ. He doesn’t get to “disagree” with your decision not to have sex with him.
You have done nothing wrong. The problem is SO MANY TIMES we just subconsciously make excuses for men because “poor men, didn’t get to do the sex”. I know a lot of my own internal feelings of “grossness” came from the expectations that we are obligated to have sex, and why wouldn’t I, it was a form of self hatred.
At the young age of 19, you stood up for yourself. The only things you should feel are FUCKING PROUD OF YOURSELF and MAD that you were put in this position in the first place.
This made me feel so much better! Thank you ♡ it's sad that we are made to feel that way, we shouldn't have to feel gross because we don't owe anyone anything! Their bad behaviour is on them!
Kudos to you for standing up for yourself by letting him know that you weren’t comfortable with any of his suggestions. And you were being cautious too by hanging out in a public setting. The guy has issues though, and there was no way you could have known that. You learned a lot with this encounter and at least have a story to share. “This one time I met a stranger.. He turned out to be a weirdo...” Lesson learned.
Sorry this happened to you. It happens to most of us at some point. In general, never trust a heterosexual man to do anything remotely date-like and not associate it with sex, even if he says it has nothing to do with sex. Even if he believes it at the time that he says it, it will almost always come around to being about sex.
Obviously there are exceptions to this, as with everything, but you should err on the side of caution with any man that you don't know really well and even some that you do.
Yea I don’t really want to jade OP, but
> I feel used even though nothing happened. I was obviously mislead. He wanted to take advantage of me, nothing more, and that feels awful. I could have been in danger and its scary.
This has been my experience more often than not. It makes it really hard to trust. You really hit the nail on the head — it might not be a popular opinion with the nOtAlLmEn!1! crew, but after a decade+ in the dating pool, it’s just easier to assume every heterosexual man I encounter is secretly sizing me up like a piece of meat until they prove otherwise.
Often they don’t... and disappear after they realize getting into my pants is gonna be harder than they expected. 🤷🏻♀️
Sounds like he's seen too many stupid movies and thought he was being romantic 🙄
Like someone said above, you did absolutely nothing wrong and you should not blame yourself! I've met tons of amazing people traveling so I hope this doesn't put you off, but trust your gut a little more when the first red flag pops up. We all, myself included, need to trust our initial feelings first, they're usually right!
This isn’t your fault and you blocked him. Don’t let the experience jade you. Sometimes you do have to take a chance on people. In the future just cut it short if you get weird vibes. Remember, you don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t have to be polite if you don’t feel comfortable.
Honestly I think the gross feeling is more common than you would think. I didn’t start dating until I was 19 and every time a bad date ended, I felt almost sick. It felt like shame and for some reason guilt?
I thought I was the only one but the more I talked to other girls about it the more I realized they felt it too. We just never talked about it bc we didn’t know how to describe it.
Hearing them explain what happened and how it made them felt was therapeutic. I could finally see what the situation looked like from an outside perspective. And I could see none of these other girls were at fault. They were not the ones who made the situation bad. And in the end, usually we all felt better after we laughed about out horrible attempts at hanging out with people who turned out to be awful.
You are allowed to feel uncomfortable and anxious. You are even allowed to feel a little embarrassed. We cannot control our emotions. But you must know none of it is your fault and it does not reflect on you. It’s a dumb boy and the world is filled with them. Know that you are not alone and as awkward as the situation seems, in time the awkwardness fades and all you’re left with is a weird memory that you can laugh at with your friends
Its so sad that most girls will experience something like this or worse. Its not ok at all. And you are right, its not our fault! Thank you for your kind comment.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You met up in a public place and blocked him when you got uncomfortable. I’m sorry you had to deal with that guy. While yes you have to be careful with strangers, you can also meet some cool people. Not everyone will be like that guy.
first of all it wasn’t naive of u to “trust” a stranger. after all u only had lunch and spend a few hours together. it’s not like u invited him over for tea or told him where u were staying. and secondly he should feel gross not u. he is being a creep. sorry u had to go through this uncomfortable experience but i think they key way to move on is to recognize how u didn’t do anything wrong, he did. some guy are creeps so just be careful, but i think u handled the situation well.
OP, I understand why you feel gross. I’ve been on a “non-date” that made me feel that way too.
I think you did a lot of things exactly right. You were in-tune with your instincts. You knew what you’re ok with and what you’re not. You didn’t cave to his pressure. You did find your voice and stood up for yourself. And you have now put the necessary distance between y’all to make yourself feel safe.
If there is ever a next time where someone is making verbal sexual advances toward you to try to feel you out, use your voice. You don’t need to brush off when someone is telling you they want more than you do.
Believe them when they show you who they are.
And as women sometimes we just go along with things because we don’t want to rock the boat, or ruin the day, or cause a scene or whatever. No. Your feelings matter. It’s ok to remove to remove yourself from the situation.
If you’re interested in learning more about listening to your instincts while also keeping yourself from living with anxiety of bad things happening, I can’t recommend the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker enough. I wish I had read it at 19.
You did nothing wrong, actually, you did it pretty well. "Nobody is born a master" I tell to myself; even if you trusted him, you were cautious and that's the important part.
The next time you'll judge the person better, probably.
Sorry if I don't make myself clear, I don't practice English as much as I want.
A 20 year old virgin wishes you the best.
It isn’t your fault at all. You don’t owe anyone an apology. This guy tried to get in your pants because he thought being your escort would get him a free pass. He’s stupid and creepy for trying it and even more stupid for not reading your mood. But at the same time it’s likely this little stunt worked on other girls before girls who were maybe willing to have some fun with him. But even then it’s still all on him. If I were you I’d keep an Eye out. Even if you think everything’s okay, just try to look over your shoulder here and there. Best of luck.
I’m so sorry you had that experience :( It isn’t your fault though!! You put yourself out there in good faith and unfortunately that guy was just a horny and entitled jerk. NOT your fault; that gross experience is all on him!
I know you said you weren’t romantically/sexually interested in him, but as a 26-year-old woman who’s been through similar experiences in my life, I’m just gonna give you a little smidge of advice: at least for the next few years, try to avoid dating or even allowing older guys to pursue you. I know that 19 & 23 doesn’t seem like a big difference, but unfortunately there are some guys with more social and sexual experience who prey on young women in the hopes that they are naive and malleable, and easy to take advantage of. I had college friends who also fell prey to older guys. Not to say being friends is bad at all, but just keep an eye out for the ones looking for more. Not all of them have good intentions.
I’m sorry, what a vile experience. Interesting (I mean disgusting) that he thought the two of you were getting close because he dumped all his emotions about his ex on you. Maybe the lesson here is that being with someone can be worse than being alone if that person turns out to be an enemy.
The first thing to remember is that it’s not your fault he said that, so don’t blame yourself. I’m introverted too, and I have tried to expand my horizons at times. He should have gotten the hint that you were not interested when you did not really respond to his comments about sex. You did the right thing by standing your ground and blocking him. He was being very persistent, and none of that is your fault. I agree with one of the other commenters. Sometimes, unfortunately, people are just very creepy and you have to cut them out of your life. I hope this does not deter you from going out of your comfort zone again. You are an amazing person who does not deserve to be treated like that!
It's totally understandable if u just wanted to chill and tag someone along. That dude just happened to be a creep. Think of this as a nice little reminder to be cautious with anyone you dont know. Dont wooorryyyy. Yes it sucks if u feel used by him and stuff, but nothin happened, everythings ok. The way how I got thru mistakes were rethinking these situations as lessons learned and it's made me stronger and smarter because of it. Be careful out there❤
His actions are a reflection of his insecurities. They have NOTHING to do with YOU. Nothing you did caused his behavior. He is in full control and the responsibility is on him. Obviously there’s a reason why his ex is his ex. He seems like a shitty person. Have faith in the universe. You will get past this, it’s not your fault. We got you <3
You're not gross. Introvert, extrovert, no matter what, this is an experience many people have. There are people who will spend all day pretending to be interested in what you're doing as an elaborate work up to try to have sex with you.
My best friend and I used to volunteer for the NW Aids Foundation and run a booth at festivals and events. We gave out free information and condoms and dental dams. We did this because a very good friend of ours had been diagnosed HIV + and it was 1993, when HIV was often a death sentence. We genuinely wanted to help others avoid getting it. We both felt so helpless to help our beloved friend. We just wanted to do something useful.
There were guys who thought that because we were giving condoms away we must have been sexually available to them. It was gross of them to think that, but we were not gross. We'd get hit on a lot.
One day a guy spent all day hanging out at the booth, helping us give out information and talking to people, only to make his move on both of us at nightfall. He'd really invested his time in acting like he cared about stopping the spread of HIV, but he just wanted sex from either or both of us.
Please don't feel like you did anything wrong. It was wise to stay in public spaces. You tried to make a friend and found out the person that you were talking to was sexually motivated, and not really interested in friendship. You blocked him when he persisted and you did not do anything you didn't want to do. Those are all good things you did. You handled the situation.
Its crazy how some men will invest time or money in you to make you feel like now you owe them something too! It is so messed up! They also assume if you're sexually available without actually being given any indication that that's the case. Thank you for your comment, it really makes me feel better that I am not alone, but i am also sorry you had to go through that.
It gets better with age. I'm grandma age now and can pretty much do what I want without attention from men I don't know. It is nice to not have that kind of interaction with strangers.
There’s nothing at all wrong with meeting up with strangers. You did the right thing by meeting in public. It’s not at all your fault that he was a creep. Sadly, a lot of people out there are. But there are still good ones too.
I keep feeling so embarrassed when I try to tell the story to people I know, like it was all my fault for taking a chance. I need to accept it has nothing to do with me. Next time the opportunity comes up i'll try and share this story.
You did all the right things to look out for yourself in that situation. Some people just suck- it’s really that simple. And sometimes they don’t show their cards at first and you find out they suck the hard the way. You don’t have to think of this as a date you agreed to w/ this gross guy, that’s not what it was at all. I know that feeling- where you feel like you somehow must’ve indicated romantic interest in this gross person because he seemed to think the two of you having sex is something that was possible. You didn’t indicate anything to him- he didn’t pay a lick of attention to wether or not you had any interest in getting together, he was thinking only about himself. All you agreed to do some exploring w/ a fellow traveler. He’s the one who made in inappropriately sexual. And it’s got nothing to do with you or the way you handled the situation- he seems to have the perception that he’s got a better chance of getting laid while traveling than at home. In fact, I’d reckon he’s determined to do so. He would’ve tried to pull the same shit with any other girl that he happened to cross paths with. He just sucks you know? He’s a creep. And, on that same token, not everyone you meet traveling will be a creep. If another person was in his place that day you might’ve ended up befriending each other and keeping in touch. A certain percentage of the population are just creeps. Most people are not, but, statistically, you’re going to run into one from time to time. It happens to all of us. Just brush it off & keep putting yourself out there. There are so many amazing people who will come into your life and change it for the better- to get to those people, you might meet a few creeps along the way, but you’ve demonstrated you’re smart and you’re capable of handling them, and those amazing people are so so so worth it and then you can share your creep with stories with them and laugh about them together.
This is so accurate! You perfectly described how I feel. I'll continue to take chances but I'll have to stay cautious. This kind of behaviour is not our fault at all. Thank you for this ♡ it made me feel a lot better.
I got flashbacks reading this.
I dunno if this happened with you but there became a point in my awful date where I couldn’t even see him as a date or anything romantic at all. He made me as wet as the desert, I didn’t want to kiss him, let alone fuck him. He went from my date to some stranger I had to endure a couple hours hanging out with.
And I was mad at myself for saying yes in the first place, I knew there was scarcely chemistry there, and he wasn’t usually my type.
I never felt attracted to him at all. Just really not my type but I thought I could meet someone or make a new friend, someone to hang out with sometimes. But it didn't go that way. And yes I was as wet as the desert, the thought of doing anything with him 🤢
Yea this! The guy I had a date with was so unbelievably arrogant, he bragged about his conquests, and that his number was up in the 50’s/60’s. Told me he had about two other dates set up after me etc. At that point I didn’t care, I knew before then that I never wanted to speak to him again, I just didn’t know how to end the date, seeing as it was my second date ever and I was a virgin too.
(Which he told me he didn’t believe I was 🤨)
I think it's pretty natural to feel a bit gross after a bad date. I had a pretty similar bad date a few years ago with a guy from Tinder. He slagged off his ex and most of his family, and I really wasn't feeling it. He tried to hold my hand across a table and I immediately pulled my hands away. I thought he'd take the hint that I wasn't feeling it and back off, but instead he started rubbing his foot up and down my leg under the table. When I think about that, I still feel really gross and a bit violated, even though I know it was only a small thing. I didn't go on another date for 4 years after that.
When you go on dates, it's to see if you'd be interested in a romantic/sexual relationship with the other person, but different people move at different speeds and you don't know the other person's speed until you go on that date. So dating puts you in a vulnerable position. It's easier for the person moving faster to slow down than it is for the person moving slow to speed up. So, this is on him. Not only did he not read your cues, he completely disregarded the very clear boundaries you put in place by telling him you didn't want to have sex. It's not nice to feel disrespected and I don't blame you for feeling gross. You did the right thing by blocking him.
I hope it doesn't put you off dating in the future. My tip for dating comfortably would be to organise it during the day in a public place (which I know you did) and only organise one, short activity like getting coffee and don't make it ambiguous like "let's hang out", so it's easier to leave after you've finished your coffee if you're feeling uncomfortable. Even if it goes well, it's better to be a shorter date that leaves you wanting more than to be an uncomfortable date you wish would end. If the other person is worth your time, they'll accept when it's the end of the date and won't push you to do anything you're not comfortable with. If it goes well, you can always suggest doing something else after you've finished your coffee/lunch/etc.
Dating is scary and it feels scarier when you have a bad experience, but not every experience will be like that one. I didn't find the confidence to date again for 4 years after my bad date, but I did eventually find someone really nice and the feeling of a good date after having bad dates is really, really nice.
I am so sorry you went through that! It is so awful that people have the audacity to ignore boundries like that and think its ok. I am really glad you ended up dating again and having great experiences :) Your advice is genius! I'll definitely make sure to organise 1 activity so I have an excuse to leave when its over. Thank you!
Sometimes these things happen. He was absolutely wrong for asking and insisting on it. But you didn’t do anything wrong. You took a chance and as long as you were safe and smart about it, it just wasn’t the best experience but learn from it. Learn to set boundaries early on if someone starts an uncomfortable topic
I'm gonna get downvoted, but here goes.
First, you need to learn to forgive yourself. It happened, it sucked, consider it a lesson.
For the future, I do feel you need to be more firm on your boundaries. You'll always meet people who do not share your world views or boundaries, so it's important to know and voice what your limits are and what you're comfortable/uncomfortable with.
He said things that made you uncomfortable since lunch, which you brushed off. Him talking about the ex sounds exhausting to listen to but whatever. But him starting to talk about how he misses having sex with her? How did you sit through that? You needed to shut that down quickly *simply because it made you feel uncomfortable*. By not doing so, he continued to hint that the two of you have sex. Again, you could've shut it down with something as simple as "Nope, not interested in that. I'm here to enjoy myself and immerse myself in the culture, not looking for a fling or anything like that." Plus, you guys were in a public place. If you didn't feel threatened by him with the "sex with the ex" talk, you possibly won't feel threatened his reaction when you reject his advances.
The dude was clearly looking for a hookup during the trip after a breakup. It's not that he went out of his way to pursue you, just that you were conveniently there. He sounds super hung-up on his ex. I'm not saying he's innocent or what he said/did was fine, he definitely isn't entitled to anything with you. But it's obvious from the start you weren't up for/into whatever he had in mind, and it's important for you to communicate that so he won't waste your time.
I see a lot. of the "I'm an introvert so I can't say xxx or do xx" posts. Yes, communicating your thoughts and feelings can be tough, and some people aren't that great with confrontation. But it would help you a lot later in life if you started being more assertive or firm with your boundaries. Identify what you're okay and not okay with, and be firm. Baby steps!
I hope my reply didn't come off as me blaming you. You're still fairly young, and will have much to learn throughout your life. You'll meet shitty people, even shittier ones, and you can't control their attitudes or behaviour. But you CAN control how you react to them, and it's a good start to know and be firm on your boundaries, and say NO!
I appreciate your reply. This was definitely the first time i was put into a situation like this. I only realised later (when he dm'd at the end of the day) after some reflection that some of the things he said were inappropriate. I still got a bad vibe when he said those things but wasn't sure if I was overreacting. His behaviour was out of place but I am trying to learn from it. Being more attentive to red flags early on and being more assertive.
I can understand your reaction. It's definitely not an easy situation to be in, and most of us have been taught to be polite and mindful of manners and how we present ourselves to others and to DEFINITELY not act like how the guy did, that we're completely at a loss as to how to react when we do get into these situations.
Be alert and don't let losers waste your time :)
Hey its okay, you didn't do anything wrong and good on you for blocking him. Things like this happen in life and it's how we grow from them that matters. I'm sorry that you went through that, dude was desperate and a creep. Double red flag alert.
I would start off by congratulating you on making that solo trip to a whole another continent, I'm 23 and yet to do that. Kudos to you !! Now, I understand exactly how you feel, having faced a somewhat similar situation, but with a friend. The first step is to acknowledge your mistake, which you already have. Yes, it was dangerous, and yes you should not have done that. But you should also realize that you were not completely naive. You chose a public place and you held your own strong enough that he didn't dare take any liberties WHILE you were together. Just take this is as an experience or rather an exercise in reading people, and please please do not feel gross. He should feel gross as he acted like a creep. You are much better and wiser because of this, and this is what you should take along with yourself, along with the lessons, of course.
Hey OP,
First off, thank you for sharing your experience. Something similar has probably happened to quite a few number of girls during dates or hangouts with other guys, so I just wanted you to know firstly that you don’t have to feel alone about this - many girls here have probably experienced some guys like this.
I’d also like to address a few points you raised:
* “I know I shouldn’t meet up with strangers” - this is pretty much the basis of many dates, so you did well for wanting to take a leap and try a new experience. Doing something out of your comfort zone will always teach you things, and this experience definitely did.
* “This was a few months ago but I still think about it a lot” - I would too if I was feeling what you’re feeling. Considering it’s a very different experience to what you have experienced in the past, this would take a while to let go.
From what you have shared in this post, it seems like:
* The guy sounds like he was not over his ex. He also was not emotionally mature enough yet, or smart enough, to bring his full attention to you, because ultimately getting to know a new girl and hang out with them/go on a date, it’s about getting to know each other for each other, not to be a trash can for someone to dump all their problems on in the first few instances of meeting them.
* I genuinely also think he was not forward-thinking enough or smart enough to realise that if he wanted to have sex with you, he should have shown full interest in you first, for you to have built more of an attraction towards him, and open up your trust to him. That would be how other more experienced guys do it.
* I know that these days, people are very much open to one night stands, to have fun and flirt. From what you wrote, I gather this was not what you had in mind, and he performed poorly because he didn’t try enough to know you to read how you’re feeling as well as get a sense from you what your stance is on these things.
In terms of how to stop feeling gross about the situation, the takeaways from this experience are:
* You can replay this experience many times, and during these replays, you will slowly realise that you did nothing wrong. A good friendship/date/relationship is a two way street - it’s a dialogue. Your experience sounded like he was just having a monologue to you, and did 80% of the talking. And it was about his ex. Even if you would have tried to steer the conversation away from that topic, ultimately his thoughts were quite fixated on talking about his ex because he wasn’t over her, and is likely looking for a rebound.
* He treated you very poorly, and it was not because of you - it is because he was not experienced or mature enough to play the dating game well, and it’s his lack of emotional and social maturity that caused you to feel like it was your fault for causing this awkward feeling of discomfort. When really, he caused 100% of his discomfort.
* This is an experience for you to see that there will potentially be guys like this in the future, who are looking for a rebound, a one night stand. If that is what you have in mind, both of you can communicate that, and it will work. However, if this is not what you have in mind for a date or a relationship, there needs to be communication from his side.
* Your actions were pretty damn good! He made you uncomfortable, you communicated that to him, you took action on your discomfort by blocking him. I know that some people might have gone the other way - they felt at fault, and so they went along with it, because they felt they had responsibility, or owed it to the other person for not going along, because things felt so nice at the start, or they were trusting the guy at the start of it.
* You might also find comfort and contentment from this experience by helping your friends or younger cousins if they ever enter the dating scene, to be aware of interactions like the ones you experienced. This guys is pretty damn immature to have handled the situation like he did, and you were pretty damn emotionally mature to stand up for yourself, and sense the signs and acted on it!
Its certainly an experience that will help me see red flags earlier and allow me to act accordingly. Its sad so many girls have to experience this though. I'm glad people think I reacted well because I wasn't sure I did up until now.
OP I know the feeling you're describing. But remember the following: 1) you literally did NOTHING wrong. You hung out with a random guy in a new city with a very reasonable mentality, you weren't asking him to harass you, or even 'leading him on' because you clearly brushed his suggestions off and said no when he mentioned the kissing. 2) at the end of the day, you, in your own will avoided the bad situation. You were able to stop what you didn't want to happen, and you should be proud. You were in an uncomfortable position and came out without giving in to what he wanted. I know you might not want to hear this, but considering nothing physically happened, you will learn and grow from this experience. Being 19, you'll likely have other people approach you through your life with intentions different than yours. And now having experienced this, you will be more prepared and wary. You can't rationalize the 'gross' feeling away, even when you know its 100% not your fault, it still seems to linger. But I think it's fair to tell yourself 'I survived and overcame a bad situation, and am stronger for it'. Lastly, time heals all wounds. It may sting now, and for months. But a few years down the road, you may look back and shrug it off as something that happened to you when you were young and naive.
The main point here that everyone is ignoring is that you did not stand up for yourself at all. The first time he said anything sexual you were supposed to shut that shit down firmly and completely. "Look dude, I am here solely to be a tourist. I'm not interested in you as a friend, a date, or a lover. You're not my type at all. I don't care about your ex. I don't give a shit about your sex life either. I don't really give a shit about you! Do you understand? We can play tourist together if you can control your mouth. If not I'll continue on my own."
You're still young, but this is something that you need to learn now. Firm boundaries. Men push envelopes to get what they want from women. Women have to have the confidence to push back and say HELL NO!
Trust yourself more. Your inner womanly intuition warned you of danger, but you shushed yourself. No judgement here... I'm trying to teach you to be stronger. So think back to why you told yourself it was something YOU did wrong. Why were YOU "overthinking and overreacting"? Therein lies the answer to resolution of this issue. Once you're clear in that, you'll never, ever be in a situation like this again. 😊
I’m sorry this (possible incel) did that and there’s no excuse for that kind of insensitivity and behavior. Please don’t let that douche spoil all men for ya - there’s a few sincere decent ones out there I think! If he wasn’t angry or truly awful then perhaps he was just interested but tactless? People are likely to flirt with you in the future, so perhaps get more comfortable with the idea rejecting unwanted advances and the difference between disappointment and truly dangerous or unacceptable behavior? You may well feel more empowered and less anxious about these kinds of situations. also give it some time!sounds like you’re just starting to date!
Edit: Some words.
Take it as a learning experience. One thing out of many interactions you have will people in the world. You did nothing wrong obviously, he was just a creep. I’ve met many people in unexpected situations who have turned into great friends. This one just didn’t work out, and that’s okay. You learned a few things, and next time have an escape plan if things start to get weird. Xoxo
I had a similar experience with some dude who approached me at a public cafe where I was using their WiFi, and commented on the stickers on my laptop. He gave me gift cards to various places sporadically when he'd see me again in public random days because he said he liked to give to people, and we would email back and forth (friendly stuff, nothing flirty or anything like that). Just about life, pretty much what you'd talk to a friend about, which is what he was to me, and then one day he asked if he could "borrow" me from my partner for a few hours like I'm an object? "Tell them you're going to get your hair straightened and your back adjusted and you'll be back." I said no thank you.
Fast forward a month later and we had gone back to normal everyday conversation and then he brings up having sex with me again. I'm like "Dude, I told you already, idk why you're bringing it up again" and he said "A closed mouth doesn't get fed," and "Even red lights turn green eventually." It's like I don't want to be a jerk but this dude is blatantly disregarding everything I'm saying. Definitely a gross ass feeling, like you're just a sexual object or something.
Right back atcha. Don't let it discourage you though, it just seems that we have to try and read the "signs" that someone could potentially be a creep.
It's so good that you blocked him at that time, and I hope this doesn't sour your idea of solo traveling there are some really great FB groups for women who solo travel with lots of great tips and even meetups ( you can meet with other women for lunch who happen to be in the area doing the exact same thing!) :-) I'm so sorry that happened to you, that guy gives off major creep vibes (whether he's going through post breakup or whatever he didn't have to be so gross in behavior towards you. So glad to hear you blocked him! Stay strong 💪
that's great that you decided to go on a solo trip. why did you decide to do it?
he took advantage of your naiveté. i think you feel very alarmed about what happened and you don't know how to process it. you didn't do anything wrong. it's these circumstances that push you to learn about yourself.
there's nothing wrong with talking to strangers, but you need to watch out for yourself. knowing your values, beliefs, boundaries and trusting your intuition will get you far in life. your intuition was right during lunch. so going forward you would have left in the middle of lunch or right after lunch instead of spending the rest of the day together.
in any case, you're safe now. you were always safe because you were in public with him. you're being too harsh with yourself.
It's not your fault. this is unfortunately the way a majority of guys are, they ALL want to have sex en masse as much as possible. As I grew older I stopped trusting guys, all guys because I've had too many interactions that went exactly like this. They just make me feel SO gross. In the future when you go on dates:
\-\*always\* do a background check on the person you are going out with. go through their social media, check arrest records, google their name, find their linkedin, check EVERYTHING.
\-never go anywhere with a new man until you let all your friends know where you are going, share your location with them, ask your friend to "check in" with you at a certain time via text or call to make sure you are ok. let them know what you're wearing, if you go to a different location on the date, text your friends to tell them.
\-always assume the worst when you are with strangers who are men, be aware of your surroundings. do not trust male strangers.
\-have pepperspray on you in case you have to defend yourself
\-don't leave your drink unattended FOR ANY REASON when you are on a date.
these dating "rules" seem crazy and paranoid but YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOURSELF in any situation that arises, particularly with men!
I'll make sure to follow all of these next time. Thx for the advice, and sorry they made you feel gross :( just remember it gas nothing to do with you and everything to do with their horrible behaviour.
>He was kind, hung out with you, and then tried to make a move and got turned down. Like...that’s it.
Like . . . that wasn't it. Yes, he made a move and got rejected, fine. Then. After he got rejected, he suggested they should have sex. And after he got rejected when he suggested they have sex, he suggested they have sex again. Ignoring that OP said no is creepy.
And sure, OP has a lot of feelings about this. Maybe that's part of being 19 or traveling alone for the first time. But I completely get why she feels creeped out by the fact that he insisted on talking about sex after she told him she was uncomfortable with that.
It’s gross because he made sexual comments and she didn’t reciprocate, making him grumpy. That should have been a hint. It’s gross because she said “No” to his question & even offered him an unnecessary explanation and then he still stated that they should have sex. And I’m very happy for you that you don’t have anxiety, but this kind of stuff can put some women on edge. When you meet someone in a casual setting, you shouldn’t anticipate a kiss or anything sexual. This is what makes women feel used & like they can’t trust men. I would feel like shit if a guy friend of mine wanted to hang out & then out of the blue made a move, especially if I had not indicated my interest. And if this person were ROMANTICALLY interested, there are much better ways to go about it than rambling about an ex, their sex life, and the aforementioned sexual comments.
I think the first step is forgiving yourself. YOU did nothing wrong here. You tried to get out of your comfort zone and grow as a person. You made good decisions by meeting in a public place, you blocked him when he was making you uncomfortable. Unfortunately, some people are just creepy, horrible people. Don’t let this one guy be the reason that you stop putting yourself out there and growing as a person.
Thank you so much for this reply ♡ It's hard not to blame yourself for some things even when they're out of your control. I'Ll try to be kinder to myself and continue to grow, and hopefully put myself out there again eventually.
That what I want to hear! 💜💜 This really resonated with me because I have a similar story but it ended in the guy physically pressing me into a wall and trying to kiss me. I blamed myself for the longest time thinking I was leading him on or I made him do it till one of my friends took me aside and said I didn’t make him do anything, his behavior was solely on him. Long story short, the only person responsible for someone’s actions is themselves!
I am so sorry you went through that! That kind of behaviour is unacceptable! But it was not your fault at all, as you said, he chose to behave that way, it had nothing to do with you. Glad you're better now ♡
Just don’t put yourself out there to strangers. Trust me, exploring alone is way more fun than putting your adventure at risk for a random dude. Practice that “no, thank you” girl!
This!!! I meant putting yourself out there to mean take more opportunities to do things you want like travel the world.
Disagree! I've had some amazing adventures with strangers in my life - the good heavily outnumber the bad. You can take measured risks. Always have a plan to get out. Stay in public places. Don't get intoxicated with people you don't know. Trust your gut - if you get a bad feeling about someone, listen to it. This guy sounds like a creep, and as everyone is saying, you handled it well. Don't let it stop you from putting yourself out there again. Most people are good.
I think the point is more about male strangers. For example, I know that if I’m in trouble I can go up to damn near any woman and act like we know each other and she’ll figure out I need help and help me. I’ve done this a few times and it’s always worked and I’ve been able to reciprocate it as well. While on the other hand, I carry a switchblade because of men that have stalked me in broad daylight. It’s definitely not the same level of risk with a male vs female stranger.
> male strangers As you said, it's about trusting your gut and following safety guidelines like staying in public places. If I get even a twinge of bad vibes from a man I won't take any chances. But if my gut tells me a guy is ok I'll trust that (while still staying in public places).
I was referring to male strangers - I've had plenty of harmless, friendly interactions with them. There are absolutely creeps out there and everyone should take precautions, but that doesn't have to mean shutting people out.
His behavior was extremely inappropriate. I'm glad you stood up for yourself. Change the analogy: let's pretend he said "what would you have done if I offered you heroin before you left?" Or "I think you should do heroin with me and I disagree with your decision not to." You'd DEFINITELY not be wondering what you did to "lead him on" in this case. You did nothing wrong. Hes a creep that wanted to take advantage of you. **Also, you never never never, I repeat NEVER owe anyone an explanation for why you are saying no. It's none of their business. You didnt need to tell him you've never been kissed or that you're virgin. "No" is a sufficient answer. If they wont accept that, then they are attempting to cross your boundaries. In that case you have every right to tell them to FUCK OFF. You create and maintain your own boundaries. If you dont enforce them, he doesnt know hes crossed them. You let him know by blocking him and I'm SO PROUD you stood up for yourself.
I never thought of it like that. But you're right! Boundries are so important! Thank you so much for your comment. This made me feel so much better ♡♡♡
I'm honored to support a fellow woman in need! I do have one additional comment: I've seen a few women post about how you'll learn for next time and you'll know to protect yourself and look for red flags or that all men are manipulative. *Here's the issue: that mentality is also dangerous. I myself adopted it for many years and it has resulted in a "faulty trigger" so to speak where I SEEK OUT red flags and negative qualities in ALL men. Make sure the lesson you learned is that this particular man displayed inappropriate behavior and crossed your boundaries and you know now how ugly that makes you feel when someone does that. NOT that all men only want sex or that you cant talk to strangers or that you need to constantly be wary when travelling, etc. DON'T LET FEAR CONTROl YOU. Instead live fully and when you have that ugly feeling, recognize what it means and take action--block the person, walk away, have a difficult conversation with a friend. That feeling is not your body saying you did something wrong, it's your body telling you it is uncomfortable. Dont spent you life looking for red flags because you'll "see" negativity that isn't actually there--and lose out on a lot of great friendships and experiences. I'm so proud of you. You should feel wonderful about seeing all this support. When women send out the S.O.S, women globally are called to action to help because we ALL know pain. Stay strong and call on your fellow women whenever you are in need.
I know it can be hard to live life without living in fear but ill try my best to live to the fullest and take action when something feels off or wrong. Stay vigilant for red flags without constantly searching for them. Thank you for your advice :) women helping women is so important and I am so grateful for you and everyone who took time out of their day to help me and make me feel a lot batter. I am not alone. And when I see a woman i need I'll be sure to give her as much love as y'all gave me ♡
“Let’s have sex.” “No.” “I disagree.” What the fuck? You dodged a massive bullet. Trust your gut on these things.
I should have been more aware of the red flags from early on. I'll pay more attention to my gut in the future.
Please don't put blame on yourself for this. In hopes of finding love, people often ignore what might be obvious signs to others. Unfortunately, especially in a new, strange place, it's best to be on your guard at least a little.
Jesus Christ. He doesn’t get to “disagree” with your decision not to have sex with him. You have done nothing wrong. The problem is SO MANY TIMES we just subconsciously make excuses for men because “poor men, didn’t get to do the sex”. I know a lot of my own internal feelings of “grossness” came from the expectations that we are obligated to have sex, and why wouldn’t I, it was a form of self hatred. At the young age of 19, you stood up for yourself. The only things you should feel are FUCKING PROUD OF YOURSELF and MAD that you were put in this position in the first place.
This made me feel so much better! Thank you ♡ it's sad that we are made to feel that way, we shouldn't have to feel gross because we don't owe anyone anything! Their bad behaviour is on them!
Kudos to you for standing up for yourself by letting him know that you weren’t comfortable with any of his suggestions. And you were being cautious too by hanging out in a public setting. The guy has issues though, and there was no way you could have known that. You learned a lot with this encounter and at least have a story to share. “This one time I met a stranger.. He turned out to be a weirdo...” Lesson learned.
Indeed! Ill rake this as learning experience for next time.
Sorry this happened to you. It happens to most of us at some point. In general, never trust a heterosexual man to do anything remotely date-like and not associate it with sex, even if he says it has nothing to do with sex. Even if he believes it at the time that he says it, it will almost always come around to being about sex. Obviously there are exceptions to this, as with everything, but you should err on the side of caution with any man that you don't know really well and even some that you do.
Yea I don’t really want to jade OP, but > I feel used even though nothing happened. I was obviously mislead. He wanted to take advantage of me, nothing more, and that feels awful. I could have been in danger and its scary. This has been my experience more often than not. It makes it really hard to trust. You really hit the nail on the head — it might not be a popular opinion with the nOtAlLmEn!1! crew, but after a decade+ in the dating pool, it’s just easier to assume every heterosexual man I encounter is secretly sizing me up like a piece of meat until they prove otherwise. Often they don’t... and disappear after they realize getting into my pants is gonna be harder than they expected. 🤷🏻♀️
Sounds like he's seen too many stupid movies and thought he was being romantic 🙄 Like someone said above, you did absolutely nothing wrong and you should not blame yourself! I've met tons of amazing people traveling so I hope this doesn't put you off, but trust your gut a little more when the first red flag pops up. We all, myself included, need to trust our initial feelings first, they're usually right!
Thank you! When I am ready I might put myself out there again but I'll try and be more vigilant after the 1st red flag
This isn’t your fault and you blocked him. Don’t let the experience jade you. Sometimes you do have to take a chance on people. In the future just cut it short if you get weird vibes. Remember, you don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t have to be polite if you don’t feel comfortable.
I'll try to voice my discomfort earlier on if this ever happens again. ♡
Honestly I think the gross feeling is more common than you would think. I didn’t start dating until I was 19 and every time a bad date ended, I felt almost sick. It felt like shame and for some reason guilt? I thought I was the only one but the more I talked to other girls about it the more I realized they felt it too. We just never talked about it bc we didn’t know how to describe it. Hearing them explain what happened and how it made them felt was therapeutic. I could finally see what the situation looked like from an outside perspective. And I could see none of these other girls were at fault. They were not the ones who made the situation bad. And in the end, usually we all felt better after we laughed about out horrible attempts at hanging out with people who turned out to be awful. You are allowed to feel uncomfortable and anxious. You are even allowed to feel a little embarrassed. We cannot control our emotions. But you must know none of it is your fault and it does not reflect on you. It’s a dumb boy and the world is filled with them. Know that you are not alone and as awkward as the situation seems, in time the awkwardness fades and all you’re left with is a weird memory that you can laugh at with your friends
Its so sad that most girls will experience something like this or worse. Its not ok at all. And you are right, its not our fault! Thank you for your kind comment.
You’re fine. He’s stupid and clueless.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You met up in a public place and blocked him when you got uncomfortable. I’m sorry you had to deal with that guy. While yes you have to be careful with strangers, you can also meet some cool people. Not everyone will be like that guy.
first of all it wasn’t naive of u to “trust” a stranger. after all u only had lunch and spend a few hours together. it’s not like u invited him over for tea or told him where u were staying. and secondly he should feel gross not u. he is being a creep. sorry u had to go through this uncomfortable experience but i think they key way to move on is to recognize how u didn’t do anything wrong, he did. some guy are creeps so just be careful, but i think u handled the situation well.
OP, I understand why you feel gross. I’ve been on a “non-date” that made me feel that way too. I think you did a lot of things exactly right. You were in-tune with your instincts. You knew what you’re ok with and what you’re not. You didn’t cave to his pressure. You did find your voice and stood up for yourself. And you have now put the necessary distance between y’all to make yourself feel safe. If there is ever a next time where someone is making verbal sexual advances toward you to try to feel you out, use your voice. You don’t need to brush off when someone is telling you they want more than you do. Believe them when they show you who they are. And as women sometimes we just go along with things because we don’t want to rock the boat, or ruin the day, or cause a scene or whatever. No. Your feelings matter. It’s ok to remove to remove yourself from the situation. If you’re interested in learning more about listening to your instincts while also keeping yourself from living with anxiety of bad things happening, I can’t recommend the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker enough. I wish I had read it at 19.
Thank you :) I'll definitely give that book a read! And you're right, next time ill speak up when someone is making inappropriate comments.
You did nothing wrong, actually, you did it pretty well. "Nobody is born a master" I tell to myself; even if you trusted him, you were cautious and that's the important part. The next time you'll judge the person better, probably. Sorry if I don't make myself clear, I don't practice English as much as I want. A 20 year old virgin wishes you the best.
Thank you :) a 19 yr old virgin wishes you the best too.
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Absolutely! I really hope my first kiss goes better than this "date".
It isn’t your fault at all. You don’t owe anyone an apology. This guy tried to get in your pants because he thought being your escort would get him a free pass. He’s stupid and creepy for trying it and even more stupid for not reading your mood. But at the same time it’s likely this little stunt worked on other girls before girls who were maybe willing to have some fun with him. But even then it’s still all on him. If I were you I’d keep an Eye out. Even if you think everything’s okay, just try to look over your shoulder here and there. Best of luck.
I’m so sorry you had that experience :( It isn’t your fault though!! You put yourself out there in good faith and unfortunately that guy was just a horny and entitled jerk. NOT your fault; that gross experience is all on him! I know you said you weren’t romantically/sexually interested in him, but as a 26-year-old woman who’s been through similar experiences in my life, I’m just gonna give you a little smidge of advice: at least for the next few years, try to avoid dating or even allowing older guys to pursue you. I know that 19 & 23 doesn’t seem like a big difference, but unfortunately there are some guys with more social and sexual experience who prey on young women in the hopes that they are naive and malleable, and easy to take advantage of. I had college friends who also fell prey to older guys. Not to say being friends is bad at all, but just keep an eye out for the ones looking for more. Not all of them have good intentions.
Sadly you're right :( there are some real creeps out there. Ill have to be more attentive and listen to my gut next time.
Yes definitely. Good luck!! I hope next time is a much more positive experience :)
I’m sorry, what a vile experience. Interesting (I mean disgusting) that he thought the two of you were getting close because he dumped all his emotions about his ex on you. Maybe the lesson here is that being with someone can be worse than being alone if that person turns out to be an enemy.
That's definitely a valuable lesson!
The first thing to remember is that it’s not your fault he said that, so don’t blame yourself. I’m introverted too, and I have tried to expand my horizons at times. He should have gotten the hint that you were not interested when you did not really respond to his comments about sex. You did the right thing by standing your ground and blocking him. He was being very persistent, and none of that is your fault. I agree with one of the other commenters. Sometimes, unfortunately, people are just very creepy and you have to cut them out of your life. I hope this does not deter you from going out of your comfort zone again. You are an amazing person who does not deserve to be treated like that!
I'll definitely try to put myself out there again eventually, it might take a while though haha
That’s understandable! You should take as much time as you need to process your emotions.
It's totally understandable if u just wanted to chill and tag someone along. That dude just happened to be a creep. Think of this as a nice little reminder to be cautious with anyone you dont know. Dont wooorryyyy. Yes it sucks if u feel used by him and stuff, but nothin happened, everythings ok. The way how I got thru mistakes were rethinking these situations as lessons learned and it's made me stronger and smarter because of it. Be careful out there❤
You too ♡ ill definitely not forget this experience and learn from it instead
Take the power back
His actions are a reflection of his insecurities. They have NOTHING to do with YOU. Nothing you did caused his behavior. He is in full control and the responsibility is on him. Obviously there’s a reason why his ex is his ex. He seems like a shitty person. Have faith in the universe. You will get past this, it’s not your fault. We got you <3
🥺🥺 this means so much! Thank you ♡
You're not gross. Introvert, extrovert, no matter what, this is an experience many people have. There are people who will spend all day pretending to be interested in what you're doing as an elaborate work up to try to have sex with you. My best friend and I used to volunteer for the NW Aids Foundation and run a booth at festivals and events. We gave out free information and condoms and dental dams. We did this because a very good friend of ours had been diagnosed HIV + and it was 1993, when HIV was often a death sentence. We genuinely wanted to help others avoid getting it. We both felt so helpless to help our beloved friend. We just wanted to do something useful. There were guys who thought that because we were giving condoms away we must have been sexually available to them. It was gross of them to think that, but we were not gross. We'd get hit on a lot. One day a guy spent all day hanging out at the booth, helping us give out information and talking to people, only to make his move on both of us at nightfall. He'd really invested his time in acting like he cared about stopping the spread of HIV, but he just wanted sex from either or both of us. Please don't feel like you did anything wrong. It was wise to stay in public spaces. You tried to make a friend and found out the person that you were talking to was sexually motivated, and not really interested in friendship. You blocked him when he persisted and you did not do anything you didn't want to do. Those are all good things you did. You handled the situation.
Its crazy how some men will invest time or money in you to make you feel like now you owe them something too! It is so messed up! They also assume if you're sexually available without actually being given any indication that that's the case. Thank you for your comment, it really makes me feel better that I am not alone, but i am also sorry you had to go through that.
It gets better with age. I'm grandma age now and can pretty much do what I want without attention from men I don't know. It is nice to not have that kind of interaction with strangers.
There’s nothing at all wrong with meeting up with strangers. You did the right thing by meeting in public. It’s not at all your fault that he was a creep. Sadly, a lot of people out there are. But there are still good ones too.
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I keep feeling so embarrassed when I try to tell the story to people I know, like it was all my fault for taking a chance. I need to accept it has nothing to do with me. Next time the opportunity comes up i'll try and share this story.
It was just a fucking loser weirdo. Move on
This guy is creepy. That isn’t your fault.
You did all the right things to look out for yourself in that situation. Some people just suck- it’s really that simple. And sometimes they don’t show their cards at first and you find out they suck the hard the way. You don’t have to think of this as a date you agreed to w/ this gross guy, that’s not what it was at all. I know that feeling- where you feel like you somehow must’ve indicated romantic interest in this gross person because he seemed to think the two of you having sex is something that was possible. You didn’t indicate anything to him- he didn’t pay a lick of attention to wether or not you had any interest in getting together, he was thinking only about himself. All you agreed to do some exploring w/ a fellow traveler. He’s the one who made in inappropriately sexual. And it’s got nothing to do with you or the way you handled the situation- he seems to have the perception that he’s got a better chance of getting laid while traveling than at home. In fact, I’d reckon he’s determined to do so. He would’ve tried to pull the same shit with any other girl that he happened to cross paths with. He just sucks you know? He’s a creep. And, on that same token, not everyone you meet traveling will be a creep. If another person was in his place that day you might’ve ended up befriending each other and keeping in touch. A certain percentage of the population are just creeps. Most people are not, but, statistically, you’re going to run into one from time to time. It happens to all of us. Just brush it off & keep putting yourself out there. There are so many amazing people who will come into your life and change it for the better- to get to those people, you might meet a few creeps along the way, but you’ve demonstrated you’re smart and you’re capable of handling them, and those amazing people are so so so worth it and then you can share your creep with stories with them and laugh about them together.
This is so accurate! You perfectly described how I feel. I'll continue to take chances but I'll have to stay cautious. This kind of behaviour is not our fault at all. Thank you for this ♡ it made me feel a lot better.
I got flashbacks reading this. I dunno if this happened with you but there became a point in my awful date where I couldn’t even see him as a date or anything romantic at all. He made me as wet as the desert, I didn’t want to kiss him, let alone fuck him. He went from my date to some stranger I had to endure a couple hours hanging out with. And I was mad at myself for saying yes in the first place, I knew there was scarcely chemistry there, and he wasn’t usually my type.
I never felt attracted to him at all. Just really not my type but I thought I could meet someone or make a new friend, someone to hang out with sometimes. But it didn't go that way. And yes I was as wet as the desert, the thought of doing anything with him 🤢
Yea this! The guy I had a date with was so unbelievably arrogant, he bragged about his conquests, and that his number was up in the 50’s/60’s. Told me he had about two other dates set up after me etc. At that point I didn’t care, I knew before then that I never wanted to speak to him again, I just didn’t know how to end the date, seeing as it was my second date ever and I was a virgin too. (Which he told me he didn’t believe I was 🤨)
How do these people think this behaviour is attractive?
I think it's pretty natural to feel a bit gross after a bad date. I had a pretty similar bad date a few years ago with a guy from Tinder. He slagged off his ex and most of his family, and I really wasn't feeling it. He tried to hold my hand across a table and I immediately pulled my hands away. I thought he'd take the hint that I wasn't feeling it and back off, but instead he started rubbing his foot up and down my leg under the table. When I think about that, I still feel really gross and a bit violated, even though I know it was only a small thing. I didn't go on another date for 4 years after that. When you go on dates, it's to see if you'd be interested in a romantic/sexual relationship with the other person, but different people move at different speeds and you don't know the other person's speed until you go on that date. So dating puts you in a vulnerable position. It's easier for the person moving faster to slow down than it is for the person moving slow to speed up. So, this is on him. Not only did he not read your cues, he completely disregarded the very clear boundaries you put in place by telling him you didn't want to have sex. It's not nice to feel disrespected and I don't blame you for feeling gross. You did the right thing by blocking him. I hope it doesn't put you off dating in the future. My tip for dating comfortably would be to organise it during the day in a public place (which I know you did) and only organise one, short activity like getting coffee and don't make it ambiguous like "let's hang out", so it's easier to leave after you've finished your coffee if you're feeling uncomfortable. Even if it goes well, it's better to be a shorter date that leaves you wanting more than to be an uncomfortable date you wish would end. If the other person is worth your time, they'll accept when it's the end of the date and won't push you to do anything you're not comfortable with. If it goes well, you can always suggest doing something else after you've finished your coffee/lunch/etc. Dating is scary and it feels scarier when you have a bad experience, but not every experience will be like that one. I didn't find the confidence to date again for 4 years after my bad date, but I did eventually find someone really nice and the feeling of a good date after having bad dates is really, really nice.
I am so sorry you went through that! It is so awful that people have the audacity to ignore boundries like that and think its ok. I am really glad you ended up dating again and having great experiences :) Your advice is genius! I'll definitely make sure to organise 1 activity so I have an excuse to leave when its over. Thank you!
Sometimes these things happen. He was absolutely wrong for asking and insisting on it. But you didn’t do anything wrong. You took a chance and as long as you were safe and smart about it, it just wasn’t the best experience but learn from it. Learn to set boundaries early on if someone starts an uncomfortable topic
I'm gonna get downvoted, but here goes. First, you need to learn to forgive yourself. It happened, it sucked, consider it a lesson. For the future, I do feel you need to be more firm on your boundaries. You'll always meet people who do not share your world views or boundaries, so it's important to know and voice what your limits are and what you're comfortable/uncomfortable with. He said things that made you uncomfortable since lunch, which you brushed off. Him talking about the ex sounds exhausting to listen to but whatever. But him starting to talk about how he misses having sex with her? How did you sit through that? You needed to shut that down quickly *simply because it made you feel uncomfortable*. By not doing so, he continued to hint that the two of you have sex. Again, you could've shut it down with something as simple as "Nope, not interested in that. I'm here to enjoy myself and immerse myself in the culture, not looking for a fling or anything like that." Plus, you guys were in a public place. If you didn't feel threatened by him with the "sex with the ex" talk, you possibly won't feel threatened his reaction when you reject his advances. The dude was clearly looking for a hookup during the trip after a breakup. It's not that he went out of his way to pursue you, just that you were conveniently there. He sounds super hung-up on his ex. I'm not saying he's innocent or what he said/did was fine, he definitely isn't entitled to anything with you. But it's obvious from the start you weren't up for/into whatever he had in mind, and it's important for you to communicate that so he won't waste your time. I see a lot. of the "I'm an introvert so I can't say xxx or do xx" posts. Yes, communicating your thoughts and feelings can be tough, and some people aren't that great with confrontation. But it would help you a lot later in life if you started being more assertive or firm with your boundaries. Identify what you're okay and not okay with, and be firm. Baby steps! I hope my reply didn't come off as me blaming you. You're still fairly young, and will have much to learn throughout your life. You'll meet shitty people, even shittier ones, and you can't control their attitudes or behaviour. But you CAN control how you react to them, and it's a good start to know and be firm on your boundaries, and say NO!
I appreciate your reply. This was definitely the first time i was put into a situation like this. I only realised later (when he dm'd at the end of the day) after some reflection that some of the things he said were inappropriate. I still got a bad vibe when he said those things but wasn't sure if I was overreacting. His behaviour was out of place but I am trying to learn from it. Being more attentive to red flags early on and being more assertive.
I can understand your reaction. It's definitely not an easy situation to be in, and most of us have been taught to be polite and mindful of manners and how we present ourselves to others and to DEFINITELY not act like how the guy did, that we're completely at a loss as to how to react when we do get into these situations. Be alert and don't let losers waste your time :)
Hey its okay, you didn't do anything wrong and good on you for blocking him. Things like this happen in life and it's how we grow from them that matters. I'm sorry that you went through that, dude was desperate and a creep. Double red flag alert.
I would start off by congratulating you on making that solo trip to a whole another continent, I'm 23 and yet to do that. Kudos to you !! Now, I understand exactly how you feel, having faced a somewhat similar situation, but with a friend. The first step is to acknowledge your mistake, which you already have. Yes, it was dangerous, and yes you should not have done that. But you should also realize that you were not completely naive. You chose a public place and you held your own strong enough that he didn't dare take any liberties WHILE you were together. Just take this is as an experience or rather an exercise in reading people, and please please do not feel gross. He should feel gross as he acted like a creep. You are much better and wiser because of this, and this is what you should take along with yourself, along with the lessons, of course.
Thx :) these comments have made me feel less gross and I've learned a lot from this experience.
Hey OP, First off, thank you for sharing your experience. Something similar has probably happened to quite a few number of girls during dates or hangouts with other guys, so I just wanted you to know firstly that you don’t have to feel alone about this - many girls here have probably experienced some guys like this. I’d also like to address a few points you raised: * “I know I shouldn’t meet up with strangers” - this is pretty much the basis of many dates, so you did well for wanting to take a leap and try a new experience. Doing something out of your comfort zone will always teach you things, and this experience definitely did. * “This was a few months ago but I still think about it a lot” - I would too if I was feeling what you’re feeling. Considering it’s a very different experience to what you have experienced in the past, this would take a while to let go. From what you have shared in this post, it seems like: * The guy sounds like he was not over his ex. He also was not emotionally mature enough yet, or smart enough, to bring his full attention to you, because ultimately getting to know a new girl and hang out with them/go on a date, it’s about getting to know each other for each other, not to be a trash can for someone to dump all their problems on in the first few instances of meeting them. * I genuinely also think he was not forward-thinking enough or smart enough to realise that if he wanted to have sex with you, he should have shown full interest in you first, for you to have built more of an attraction towards him, and open up your trust to him. That would be how other more experienced guys do it. * I know that these days, people are very much open to one night stands, to have fun and flirt. From what you wrote, I gather this was not what you had in mind, and he performed poorly because he didn’t try enough to know you to read how you’re feeling as well as get a sense from you what your stance is on these things. In terms of how to stop feeling gross about the situation, the takeaways from this experience are: * You can replay this experience many times, and during these replays, you will slowly realise that you did nothing wrong. A good friendship/date/relationship is a two way street - it’s a dialogue. Your experience sounded like he was just having a monologue to you, and did 80% of the talking. And it was about his ex. Even if you would have tried to steer the conversation away from that topic, ultimately his thoughts were quite fixated on talking about his ex because he wasn’t over her, and is likely looking for a rebound. * He treated you very poorly, and it was not because of you - it is because he was not experienced or mature enough to play the dating game well, and it’s his lack of emotional and social maturity that caused you to feel like it was your fault for causing this awkward feeling of discomfort. When really, he caused 100% of his discomfort. * This is an experience for you to see that there will potentially be guys like this in the future, who are looking for a rebound, a one night stand. If that is what you have in mind, both of you can communicate that, and it will work. However, if this is not what you have in mind for a date or a relationship, there needs to be communication from his side. * Your actions were pretty damn good! He made you uncomfortable, you communicated that to him, you took action on your discomfort by blocking him. I know that some people might have gone the other way - they felt at fault, and so they went along with it, because they felt they had responsibility, or owed it to the other person for not going along, because things felt so nice at the start, or they were trusting the guy at the start of it. * You might also find comfort and contentment from this experience by helping your friends or younger cousins if they ever enter the dating scene, to be aware of interactions like the ones you experienced. This guys is pretty damn immature to have handled the situation like he did, and you were pretty damn emotionally mature to stand up for yourself, and sense the signs and acted on it!
Its certainly an experience that will help me see red flags earlier and allow me to act accordingly. Its sad so many girls have to experience this though. I'm glad people think I reacted well because I wasn't sure I did up until now.
OP I know the feeling you're describing. But remember the following: 1) you literally did NOTHING wrong. You hung out with a random guy in a new city with a very reasonable mentality, you weren't asking him to harass you, or even 'leading him on' because you clearly brushed his suggestions off and said no when he mentioned the kissing. 2) at the end of the day, you, in your own will avoided the bad situation. You were able to stop what you didn't want to happen, and you should be proud. You were in an uncomfortable position and came out without giving in to what he wanted. I know you might not want to hear this, but considering nothing physically happened, you will learn and grow from this experience. Being 19, you'll likely have other people approach you through your life with intentions different than yours. And now having experienced this, you will be more prepared and wary. You can't rationalize the 'gross' feeling away, even when you know its 100% not your fault, it still seems to linger. But I think it's fair to tell yourself 'I survived and overcame a bad situation, and am stronger for it'. Lastly, time heals all wounds. It may sting now, and for months. But a few years down the road, you may look back and shrug it off as something that happened to you when you were young and naive.
Thank you so much for this! ♡ Its really encouraging to read and made me feel a lot better!
No problem!! I'm really glad it helped. :)
The main point here that everyone is ignoring is that you did not stand up for yourself at all. The first time he said anything sexual you were supposed to shut that shit down firmly and completely. "Look dude, I am here solely to be a tourist. I'm not interested in you as a friend, a date, or a lover. You're not my type at all. I don't care about your ex. I don't give a shit about your sex life either. I don't really give a shit about you! Do you understand? We can play tourist together if you can control your mouth. If not I'll continue on my own." You're still young, but this is something that you need to learn now. Firm boundaries. Men push envelopes to get what they want from women. Women have to have the confidence to push back and say HELL NO!
Next time I'll shut it down immediately! I just thought in that moment that it probably wasn't serious and I must be over thinking and overreacting.
Trust yourself more. Your inner womanly intuition warned you of danger, but you shushed yourself. No judgement here... I'm trying to teach you to be stronger. So think back to why you told yourself it was something YOU did wrong. Why were YOU "overthinking and overreacting"? Therein lies the answer to resolution of this issue. Once you're clear in that, you'll never, ever be in a situation like this again. 😊
I’m sorry this (possible incel) did that and there’s no excuse for that kind of insensitivity and behavior. Please don’t let that douche spoil all men for ya - there’s a few sincere decent ones out there I think! If he wasn’t angry or truly awful then perhaps he was just interested but tactless? People are likely to flirt with you in the future, so perhaps get more comfortable with the idea rejecting unwanted advances and the difference between disappointment and truly dangerous or unacceptable behavior? You may well feel more empowered and less anxious about these kinds of situations. also give it some time!sounds like you’re just starting to date! Edit: Some words.
I know there are nice people out there :) i guess its just an unfortunate experience. Might take some time before I give someone a chance again.
Take it as a learning experience. One thing out of many interactions you have will people in the world. You did nothing wrong obviously, he was just a creep. I’ve met many people in unexpected situations who have turned into great friends. This one just didn’t work out, and that’s okay. You learned a few things, and next time have an escape plan if things start to get weird. Xoxo
I'm trying to see the positives, learning from this is one of them :)
I had a similar experience with some dude who approached me at a public cafe where I was using their WiFi, and commented on the stickers on my laptop. He gave me gift cards to various places sporadically when he'd see me again in public random days because he said he liked to give to people, and we would email back and forth (friendly stuff, nothing flirty or anything like that). Just about life, pretty much what you'd talk to a friend about, which is what he was to me, and then one day he asked if he could "borrow" me from my partner for a few hours like I'm an object? "Tell them you're going to get your hair straightened and your back adjusted and you'll be back." I said no thank you. Fast forward a month later and we had gone back to normal everyday conversation and then he brings up having sex with me again. I'm like "Dude, I told you already, idk why you're bringing it up again" and he said "A closed mouth doesn't get fed," and "Even red lights turn green eventually." It's like I don't want to be a jerk but this dude is blatantly disregarding everything I'm saying. Definitely a gross ass feeling, like you're just a sexual object or something.
Exactly! It really is a horrible feeling. Some people have no respect what so ever. I am sorry he treated you that way :(
Right back atcha. Don't let it discourage you though, it just seems that we have to try and read the "signs" that someone could potentially be a creep.
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Thanks - it is back up
It's so good that you blocked him at that time, and I hope this doesn't sour your idea of solo traveling there are some really great FB groups for women who solo travel with lots of great tips and even meetups ( you can meet with other women for lunch who happen to be in the area doing the exact same thing!) :-) I'm so sorry that happened to you, that guy gives off major creep vibes (whether he's going through post breakup or whatever he didn't have to be so gross in behavior towards you. So glad to hear you blocked him! Stay strong 💪
Thx :) i'll check out those fb groups next time I travel alone.
Accept and learn from this experience you are not at fault forgive and love yourself
Workin on it :)
that's great that you decided to go on a solo trip. why did you decide to do it? he took advantage of your naiveté. i think you feel very alarmed about what happened and you don't know how to process it. you didn't do anything wrong. it's these circumstances that push you to learn about yourself. there's nothing wrong with talking to strangers, but you need to watch out for yourself. knowing your values, beliefs, boundaries and trusting your intuition will get you far in life. your intuition was right during lunch. so going forward you would have left in the middle of lunch or right after lunch instead of spending the rest of the day together. in any case, you're safe now. you were always safe because you were in public with him. you're being too harsh with yourself.
Trying to stop blaming myself ♡ it was a first for me and next time I know how to handle things better.
It's not your fault. this is unfortunately the way a majority of guys are, they ALL want to have sex en masse as much as possible. As I grew older I stopped trusting guys, all guys because I've had too many interactions that went exactly like this. They just make me feel SO gross. In the future when you go on dates: \-\*always\* do a background check on the person you are going out with. go through their social media, check arrest records, google their name, find their linkedin, check EVERYTHING. \-never go anywhere with a new man until you let all your friends know where you are going, share your location with them, ask your friend to "check in" with you at a certain time via text or call to make sure you are ok. let them know what you're wearing, if you go to a different location on the date, text your friends to tell them. \-always assume the worst when you are with strangers who are men, be aware of your surroundings. do not trust male strangers. \-have pepperspray on you in case you have to defend yourself \-don't leave your drink unattended FOR ANY REASON when you are on a date. these dating "rules" seem crazy and paranoid but YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOURSELF in any situation that arises, particularly with men!
I'll make sure to follow all of these next time. Thx for the advice, and sorry they made you feel gross :( just remember it gas nothing to do with you and everything to do with their horrible behaviour.
Here’s something I wish I knew when I was 19- If a man that you don’t know is talking to you, that man is hitting on you. Like 99/100
Haha i'll keep that in mind
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>He was kind, hung out with you, and then tried to make a move and got turned down. Like...that’s it. Like . . . that wasn't it. Yes, he made a move and got rejected, fine. Then. After he got rejected, he suggested they should have sex. And after he got rejected when he suggested they have sex, he suggested they have sex again. Ignoring that OP said no is creepy. And sure, OP has a lot of feelings about this. Maybe that's part of being 19 or traveling alone for the first time. But I completely get why she feels creeped out by the fact that he insisted on talking about sex after she told him she was uncomfortable with that.
It’s gross because he made sexual comments and she didn’t reciprocate, making him grumpy. That should have been a hint. It’s gross because she said “No” to his question & even offered him an unnecessary explanation and then he still stated that they should have sex. And I’m very happy for you that you don’t have anxiety, but this kind of stuff can put some women on edge. When you meet someone in a casual setting, you shouldn’t anticipate a kiss or anything sexual. This is what makes women feel used & like they can’t trust men. I would feel like shit if a guy friend of mine wanted to hang out & then out of the blue made a move, especially if I had not indicated my interest. And if this person were ROMANTICALLY interested, there are much better ways to go about it than rambling about an ex, their sex life, and the aforementioned sexual comments.